Habit 5: Seek First to Understand, Then to Be Understood

“Before I can walk in another’s shoes, I must first remove my own”

The Shoe Salesman Melissa and Colleen

Why is this habit (Seek First to Understand, Then

be Understood) the key to communication?

Goldilocks and the Three BearsActivity You must recite the story to your partner… However, you must alternate each word.

For Example:Person One “Once”Person Two “upon”Person One “a”Person Two “time”

Please Listen…

When I ask you to listen to meand you start giving me advice,you have not done what I asked.When I ask you to listen to meand you begin to tell me whyI shouldn't feel that way,you are trampling on my feelings.When I ask you to listen to meand you feel you have to do somethingto solve my problem,you have failed me,strange as that may seem.Listen! All I ask is that you listen.Don't talk or do--just hear me.

Author Unknown

Can you relate…

What experiences have you had in reference to this poem?

Were you the listener or the speaker?

“People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you care.”

5 Poor Listening Styles

1. Space out

2. Pretender

3. Selective

4. Word

5. Self-centered• Judge

• probe

Space Out

When someone is talking to us but we ignore them because our mind is wandering off in another galaxy.

When someone is telling you something, you are too caught up in your own thoughts.

Do this too much, and you may get a reputation for being “out of it”.

Pretend Listening

Not really paying attention, but making insightful comments at key junctures like “yeah”, “uh-huh”, or “cool”.

The speaker will usually get the hint and will feel that he or she is not important enough to be heard.

Selective Listening

Paying attention to only parts of a conversation that you find interesting.

Since you’ll always talk about what you want to talk about, instead of what the other person wants to talk about, chances are it will be difficult for you to develop long lasting friendships.

Word Listening

You pay attention when someone is talking, but only to the words spoken.

You do not take into consideration the body language, feelings, emotion or true meaning behind the words.

If you focus on words only, you’ll seldom be in touch with the deeper emotions of people.

Self Centered Listening

This happens when we see everything from our point of view. Instead of standing in another’s shoes, we want them to stand in ours.

This type of listening is often a game of “one-upmanship”, where we try and “one-up” each other as if our conversation was a competition.

Self Centered Listening

When we listen from our point of view, we usually reply in one of three ways:• We Judge

• We Advise

• We Probe

Let’s take a closer look at the three…

Judging

Sometimes we make judgments in the backs of our minds as we listen to others about them and what they are saying.

If you are busy judging, you’re not really listening, are you?

People do not want to be judged, they want to be heard.

Advising

This is when we give advice drawn from our own experiences. This is the “when-I-was-your-age” speech you often get from your elders.

Give an example.

Probing

When you try to dig up emotions before people are willing to share them.

Name a time when you have been probed.

Parents do it to teens all of the time…

Seek First to Understand , Then to Be Understood

Genuine listening Talk with parents

Genuine Listening (The 3 Keys)

1. Listen with your eyes, heart and ears

Communication

40%

7%

53%

Words

Tone/Feeling

BodyLanguage

Genuine Listening

Please…Hear What I’m Not Saying p. 171

2. Stand in Their Shoes

“Until you walk a mile in another man’s moccasins you can’t imagine the smell”.

You must try to see the world as they see it and try to feel as they feel.

Genuine Listening

3. Practice Mirroring

-What does a mirror do? It does not judge. It doesn’t give advice. It reflects.

-Repeat back in your own words what the other person is saying and feeling.

Mirroring is not mimicking. Mimicking is when you repeat exactly what the person said, like a parrot.

Mimicking Vs. Mirroring

Mimicking

-Repeating words

-Using the same word

-Cold and indifferent

Mirroring

-Repeating meaning

-Using your own words

-Warm and caring

Practice Mirroring

If someone said the following phrases to you, what is a mirroring phrase you could

reply with?1. “This is the worst paper I’ve ever read!”

2. “You absolutely cannot stay out past midnight.”

3. “I don’t know that new girl very well.”

4. “My parents are really driving me nuts.”

5. “Lunch was really good today.”

6. “I don’t feel like going to work.”

Activity (Optional)

See how long you can keep eye contact with someone while they are talking to you.

In your interactions today, try mirroring one person and mimicking another, just for fun. Compare the results.

Habits Review

1. Be Proactive

2. Begin with the End in Mind

3. Put First Things First

4. Think Win-Win

5. Seek First to Understand, Then to be Understood

6. Synergize

7. Sharpen the Saw