GIRLS Season 3 Episode 10 1/2 - Spec "HALF-ASS MEASURES"

By

Jarred Hodgdon

GIRLS by Lena Dunham

Jarrhod@gmail.com

FADE IN:

INT. GQ / HANNAH’S CUBICLE - DAY

HANNAH attempts to type a Patti LuPone article on her

laptop. Her fingers hover above the keys.

Flustered- she blows hot air out of her mouth.

She leans back in her chair, then spins side to side.

Hannah attempts to put her feet up on the desk, the wheel’s

of the chair slide back and pull her away.

She tries again--

then tries again--

and again.

JOE (O.S.)

Hey!

Hannah pops up and looks to JOE at his cubicle.

He attempts to slyly point and indicate with a head gesture

the approach of BROOKE (32), a GQ writer.

Brooke passes Joe and glares, then arrives at Hannah’s space

- holding a jar. Hannah, now back in her seat, looks up

meekly.

HANNAH

Hi.

BROOKE

Hannah, right?

HANNAH

Yup, Brooke. We had the

conversation about potential

feminist analysis of Archie comics.

BROOKE

I have a page tracked for next

print and need a hand. Heard of oil

pulling?

HANNAH

I think so. An environmental thing

right?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 2.

BROOKE

It’s a centuries old folk remedy.

The latest thing. Involves swishing

coconut, or sesame seed oil around

in your mouth for twenty minutes to

detoxify and whiten teeth.

HANNAH

Oh, okay. Do you recommend it?

BROOKE

Yeah we’re going to but I need you

to tell me why.

Brooke pulls a jar of coconut oil from her purse then hands

it to Hannah.

HANNAH

This sounds like research, or maybe

a task to delegate to a writer.

BROOKE

(rhetorical)

It does sound like something a

potential GQ writer might have to

do doesn’t it?

HANNAH

Right. Oh! Yes, I just meant- I was

surprised, because I know you have

interns and--

BROOKE

--I can’t legally ask an intern to

do this kind of thing and these

writers are a bunch of fucking

diva’s. This is more for someone

who might want to prove their

talents and aptitude for a real job

by swishing a little bit of coconut

oil around in their mouth for one

fucking week.

HANNAH

Yes! Exciting. It sounds great.

BROOKE

Awesome. 20 minutes every night. A

heaping spoonful, don’t eat after,

really swish it around and write

down everything.

Brooke darts in close, putting her face right in Hannah’s.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 3.

BROOKE

Open.

Hannah opens her mouth.

BROOKE

Good. We’re starting with a good

point of reference.

HANNAH

(with open mouth)

What does that mean?

Brooke begins to walk away.

BROOKE (CONT’D)

Don’t write poetry.

HANNAH

Got it!

Hannah examines the jar of coconut oil like a curious

monkey.

INT. HANNAH’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Hannah shuffles about, walking room to room to room.

Finding some of Adam’s woodworking tools, she inspects them

intensely - carving knives, archaic blades, a drill with a

scary looking bit on it.

INT. HANNAH’S APARTMENT / LIVING ROOM - LATER

Hannah kneels before the coffee table carving a heart with

Adam and her initials in it. She is talking into the phone.

HANNAH

(on phone)

It’s like I can’t even tell if this

is romantic or pathetic and I made

the heart first and now I’m running

out of space and all it says is

"ASH" .

We see their incomplete initials carved on the table.

4.

INTERCUT / INT. ELIJAH’S APARTMENT - DAY

ELIJAH lays on his floor with a cosmetic skin wrap over his

eyes.

ELIJAH

(into phone)

Put that knife down! You are going

to cut yourself, girl!

HANNAH

I don’t want to be the obsessive

girlfriend, but I don’t want to

lose what I’ve built up. I stood by

him for his salad days and I feel

like I won’t be there for the

entree.

ELIJAH

What would you do if he left you

forever and you just never saw him

again?

HANNAH

I’d cry and cry and cry and be

totally lost...for days at least.

Then I’d just move on.

ELIJAH

If he was there right now, what

would you two be doing?

HANNAH

I would jump on top of him and--

ELIJAH

--No! Not the romantic fantasy, the

for real edition.

HANNAH

We would have just eaten dinner and

I’d probably be on my laptop while

he watches some terrible movie.

ELIJAH

That’s a totally shit life. So you

should like, make the most of this

time apart and try to have some

incredible Hannah time.

Hannah considers.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 5.

HANNAH

(smiling)

Thanks.

ELIJAH

(like Hammer time)

It’s Hannah time.

HANNAH

(musical)

Oh ow, oh ow, oh ow, oh ow.

ELIJAH

Too legit. You’re just so fuckin’

legit that there’s no way you can

quit.

HANNAH

You’re right. Come over! Let’s act

like we’re young and stupid again.

ELIJAH

Sorry girl, I’m doing me tonight.

INT. MARNIE’S APARTMENT - SAME

MARNIE sits on her couch, sipping tea and writing in a

notebook.

She looks at the clock. She looks at her phone. She looks at

the muted TV.

INSERT - an old black and white movie- a couple embracing.

Marnie frowns. Her phone RINGS, she answers.

INTERCUT - INT. SOOJIN’S GALLERY - SAME

SOOJIN waits on her phone in the dark- the gallery lights

off.

MARNIE

Soojin.

SOOJIN

Hey beezy.

MARNIE

What’s going on.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 6.

SOOJIN

Girl I need you to come down to the

space.

MARNIE

Yeah? What’s going on.

SOOJIN

Remember those boxes? The opening

night gift bag bags we ordered? We

need to move all those boxes.

MARNIE

(hesitant)

Okay. We can do that right now.

There was like three small boxes

right?

SOOJIN

Is this a problem?

MARNIE

No, no. I can be down there in like

thirty?

SOOJIN

In like twenty or less is fine. And

bring your keys okay?

Marnie thinks.

MARNIE

Did you forget your keys, Sooj?

SOOJIN

I have like ten million balls in

the air right now okay. I didn’t

forget my keys, I forgot my clutch

and the keys were in it. But I

mostly just need help with these

boxes right now, okay?

MARNIE

Sure. Of course. I’m on the way.

Soojin hangs up- sets the phone down. She walks to the back

of the gallery and around the corner.

Soojin returns with a small box, carries is to the center of

the gallery, then sets it down.

7.

INT. SHOSHANNA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

JESSA is asleep in bed while SHOSHANNA studies at the table.

BANGING at the door. Shoshanna quickly crosses the room,

shooting a concerned look towards Jessa.

Shoshanna OPENS the door a crack to see Hannah, immediately

SHUSHING her.

HANNAH

What up, sista?!

Shoshanna again SHUSHES. Hannah hoists up the bottles she

holds - peach liqueur, the jar of coconut oil, and cooking

sherry.

SHOSHANNA

Not a good time.

HANNAH

Lemme in, lemme in.

Shoshanna exits into the hall to join Hannah.

INT. HALL - CONTINUOUS

SHOSHANNA

Are you okay?

HANNAH

I’m great. Why?

Shoshanna examines the frazzled Hannah. Not so sure.

SHOSHANNA

We have a friend in there who is

catching up on some much needed

rest and actually I am enjoying the

quiet around here for once. I’m

finally getting a chance to study

and I have a final for Glaciology

tomorrow- which I’m totally

unprepared for- and not even

because I was all irresponsible for

my own sake but because I’ve had to

babysit Sid and Nancy or Kurt and

Courtney or whatever.

HANNAH

Is Jessa home? I need girl time.

Hannah tries to push past, Shoshanna blocks her.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 8.

SHOSHANNA

I told you she’s asleep, and FYI

she has been up and down these last

few weeks and I think maybe she hit

rock bottom finally which I think

could be totally good for her.

HANNAH

Oh come on, don’t be a puritan.

The door OPENS, JESSA - bleary eyes - leans into the frame.

JESSA

Hannah? What’re you doing?

SHOSHANNA

Great you woke her up.

Hannah takes this as an invite and pushes past Shoshanna

into the apartment.

INT. THEATRE - SAME

ADAM is with DESI and COURTNEY in a corner of the stage

working on a scene from scripts. They are speaking in the

cockney accents of their characters. Desi and Courtney are

squared off.

DESI

" ’Cause I believe in talent. And

if you win, you sign an exclusive

contract with Bobby Lee and I take

you all the way to the top."

Adam addresses the backside of Desi.

ADAM

"More like the bottom. Get this

Sam. Robert Z. Lee. Small time

business man. Part-time pimp."

DESI

"Well? What do you say?"

ADAM

"Owner of the Blue Note Nightclub,

ended up doing twenty in the big

house for statutory rape."

COURTNEY

" Lynell? "

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 9.

Adam leaps and turns from the two in frustration. Courtney

and Desi look to each other and then to him.

ADAM

(accent dropped)

This is so fuckin’ confusing.

DESI

If you can live in the voice you

can take it anywhere--

ADAM

Yeah, I get it. But fucking Quantum

Leap? There’s too much to unpack

here. Like I’m Adam as Price as Al

who only fuckin’ you can hear as

Sam as some 50’s female doo-wop

singer!

COURTNEY

Hey. It’s just an exercise.

DESI

I’m just reading the words. I’m

with you, I’m not even following

this.

COURTNEY

And I’ve earned my booze.

Courtney begins to exit.

COURTNEY (CONT’D)

If you’re wise you’ll come with me.

DESI

We’ll catch up.

Desi watches her leave then looks to Adam.

DESI (CONT’D)

It’s easy.

(raises script)

This is just a game so we can

convince ourselves it’s actual

work. Just use your voice whenever

you can.

(in cockney)

and you’ll ’ave it laddie.

ADAM

Thanks.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 10.

DESI

Hannah. How’s she taking it? You

stay in character at home with her?

ADAM

Yes. Yes and no....Had to take a

break- I’m staying with my friend

Ray so I’m not distracted, and I

can just focus.

DESI

Hmm...Uh, it’s just a role. One

role... You have to find what

grounds you and nurture that part

of you.

ADAM

I appreciate it. The advice. But I

need to make sure I really do the

work. If I fuck this up, I need to

know who to blame.

INT. SHOSHANNA’S APARTMENT - NIGHT

Hannah and Jessa sit on the couch, while Shoshanna paces.

SHOSHANNA

This is like, a real vulnerable

time in her life right now and I’m

just not sure this is appropriate

for where she’s at.

Hannah swigs her cooking sherry.

SHOSHANNA (CONT’D)

And besides that I’m having major

insecurity about my preparedness

level for this final tomorrow and

feel like I just need to keep my

nose in the book here.

HANNAH

That all makes complete sense,

Shosh. But it’s not like I’m some

incubus or--

JESSA

--Succubus.

HANNAH

What?

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 11.

JESSA

Succubus is the female one, incubus

the male.

HANNAH

Right. Bad term anyways as no one

is implying that I’m going to

seduce you in some sexual way, she

is only calling into question the

appropriateness of my presence.

SHOSHANNA

It just seems to me like your

energy right now is kinda manic and

whimsical- which is totally fine

and normally I’d be a hundred

percent on board - but I think

Jessa and I are into a much more

chillaxed state of being at this

moment in time.

JESSA

Dunno. Reckon I’m game for trouble.

Jessa raises her eyebrows at Hannah.

JESSA (CONT’D)

Whats on the menu?

Shoshanna crosses her arms.

HANNAH

I really just wanted to see you.

See you guys. I dunno, you always

have a plan.

JESSA

The best laid plans darling...I’m

back on the wagon.

HANNAH

I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. I always

live vicariously through you. I’m

a total enabler!

JESSA

No darling--But. But, that’s it!

A look of dread crosses Shoshanna’s face.

JESSA (CONT’D)

Tonight I can live vicariously

through you and murder some of this

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 12.

JESSA (CONT’D) (cont’d)fucking boredom that’s gnawing my

face off.

Hannah’s face lights up - interested.

SHOSHANNA

No. NO. Bad idea.

INT. PUB - SAME

Adam sits with Desi and Courtney at the bar, he fiddles with

a straw in his water.

COURTNEY

An actor who doesn’t drink is like

a dickless racehorse. You might win

this match but--

ADAM

Fuck you, okay?

DESI

Hey, hey alright!

COURTNEY

I’m just saying. I see a guy who

thinks abnegation is dedication.

You’re sure to implode.

ADAM

I wouldn’t be here right now,

having opportunities and

experiences like this, if I was

still boozing. Okay?!

DESI

And I commend you for that sir.

Pushing your girlfriend away

though? Not so sure that’s a

requirement of a healthy work

ethic.

COURTNEY

(prodding)

That I think. That is something

else entirely.

ADAM

Oh yeah, like what?

Courtney produces a mischievous look - turns around to face

another table of ACTORS.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 13.

COURTNEY

(calling)

Lexi. Hey Lexi!

ADAM

What? No.

Desi smirks as LEXI (22) hops up and approaches the bar,

sidling up next to Adam.

COURTNEY

I know you and Adam haven’t really

had a chance to talk much yet. And

I just learned that he is really

good with his hands.

Adam nods uncomfortably towards perky Lexi.

COURTNEY (CONT’D)

Lexi here is pretty crafty herself.

Adam shakes Lexi’s hand as she beams a smile towards him.

ADAM

Hello. Nice to meet you.

Lexi shares his hand demurely.

LEXI

I crochet hats.

ADAM

I work with wood. And things.

Mostly I’m a woodworker. But I hope

my etsy days are behind me.

LEXI

But what’ll you do when the plays

over? When you’re back to being out

of work?

Adam scowls as Lexi smiles her clueless smile.

INT. SHOSHANNA’S APARTMENT - LATER

At the table: Shoshanna is attempting to study, Jessa has

her head down, Hannah drinks.

JESSA

Go and burn. You are no friend to

me.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 14.

HANNAH

I’m not going to do cocaine! I

tried it before, it’s not for me.

Jessa wails, "AUGH".

HANNAH (CONT’D)

Look, I have an idea. And it’s a

wild and crazy one-you’ll love it!

Hannah leaps up - Shoshanna glares towards her. Hannah

raids a cupboard and returns with a bag of sugar.

Hannah pours a pile on the table.

SHOSHANNA

That’s all my sugar.

Jessa peers up from behind her hair, looking like a wild

beast.

HANNAH

This is fun. This is crazy. Plus it

will legitimately give me a real

buzz.

JESSA

Don’t be a child.

Hannah cuts the sugar and lines up a row with her ID Card.

Shoshanna pouts. Hannah takes a straw.

JESSA (CONT’D)

Don’t pussyfoot around and come in

here and throw our shit off with

your half-ass measures.

Hannah SNORTS a line, then instantly reacts--

HANNAH

Oh no! Ow. Ow. Ow.

JESSA (CONT’D)

As a writer you need some

bloody experiences- real

life, the gutter and the

morass- I can can show

you the fucking ropes,

kiddo. We could nail a

whole chapter for you book

or blog or whatever in ten

minutes.

Hannah SNORTS, clearing her sinus.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 15.

HANNAH

But that completely worked. I’m

already buzzed. Oh my God.

Shoshanna glares at the two then pounds her head on her

book.

JESSA

Oh come on. Shit or get off the

pot.

SHOSHANNA

Yes. Please. I love you, but please

just leave us for tonight, we were

having a perfectly fine evening in

where I could cram and she could

just come down or detox or

whatever. I’m at the finish line

here, and just have this one big

glacier in front of me. Please just

let us focus tonight.

HANNAH

(to Jessa)

What do you want me to do?

JESSA

Just a little but of coke. Just a

teensie eensie bit.

Jessa indicates a little bit with her fingers.

JESSA (CONT’D)

Lil’ teenie bit.

HANNAH

Y’know it’s not like I haven’t done

it before. I can tell you

definitively it’s just not for me.

JESSA

Exactly! This isn’t for you, this

would be for me.

HANNAH

This is textbook peer pressure.

Shoshanna bolts up -- points to the door.

SHOSHANNA

We don’t need two junkies in our

group of friends. That would just

totally tilt the scales and instead

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 16.

SHOSHANNA (cont’d)of hip young women climbing the

social ladder before you know it

we’re just a group of waistoid

burnouts. I’m sorry but that is NOT

me. I’m studious, and a doer and I

get things done and I don’t stop

until I earn what’s mine! So please

just go for now, Hannah.

HANNAH

(to Jessa)

Okay, I’ll do it. But just a little

bit, and with the caveat that you

will not try to join me and you

will never do coke again.

JESSA

Sure, yeah of course- and I need to

break it off with my guy anyway so

this’ll soften the blow.

SHOSHANNA

AUGH! You have to break it off with

a drug dealer?!

JESSA

Yeah, I am a member of polite

society.

HANNAH

That’s pretty smart. We’ll make

sure you cut all ties, and this

transaction will be like a fond

farewell.

JESSA

Sounds good to me.

Jessa looks to Shoshanna whom is seething.

HANNAH

Shosh, you gotta come with. I trust

you to keep an eye on me...and

her-- and I promise to help you

study tonight!

Shoshanna throws her book down on the ground and stomps on

it.

17.

EXT. NEW YORK STREET - NIGHT

Marnie and Soojin walk along the sidewalk.

MARNIE

Sooj, this isn’t working out for

me, and tonight was just more

evidence of that.

SOOJIN

Like the job isn’t working out?

Like you’re going to just leave me

before the opening?

MARNIE

No offense, I think I’m just past

being an assistant. I’m better than

this, have more experience and a

lot more to offer.

SOOJIN

Yeah, no shit. You think I’d hire

someone qualified for this

position, like an intern or

something? I swear.

The two stop and face each other.

SOOJIN (CONT’D)

I don’t need you. I’m doing you a

favor whether you’re willing to

recognize or not.

MARNIE

Really?! Don’t give me that--

SOOJIN

--You might be smarter than me, you

could have a better CV than me, but

this is my moment. The sun is just

rising on Soojin and you can bask

in the light beside me or get in

the shade behind me.

Marnie relaxes, looks at Soojin.

SOOJIN

My moment. And if there comes a day

when it’s your moment I’d be there

for you.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 18.

MARNIE

Yeah. As long as you know I’m

capable of so much more than this.

SOOJIN

Of course, you’re my beezy. Girl

power, RAHR!

Soojin makes tiger claws -- Marnie smiles disingenuously.

INT. LOUISE’S FLAT - NIGHT

Hannah, Jessa and Shoshanna (nose in book) are seated on a

swank couch, in a spacious modern flat - the walls decorated

with net aesthetic art.

LOUISE (25), rail thin and dressed ironically like an early

90’s hip-hopper, paces beside an all glass coffee table

while frantically smoking.

LOUISE

Please believe, becoming

insta-famous was not like

insta-taneous.

Louise grabs a "My Pet Monster" like doll off a shelf and

shoves her hand up its ass.

LOUISE (CONT’D)

It’s like anything else, if you

ain’t hungry you don’t belong at

the troff.

HANNAH

That’s a really valid point. I feel

like the intelligentsia and

academic elite are like,

just defending the castle at this

point. Instagram, tumblr and

twitter or what have you are the

trenches where the next level of

art and experience is fomenting.

Louise holds out a baggie of white powder- retrieved from

the doll.

LOUISE

Preach that.

Jessa pulls a few bills from her pockets- holds her hand out

expectantly at Hannah and Shoshanna. Shoshanna scoffs while

Hannah reluctantly pulls some bills from her pocket.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 19.

Jessa grabs cash- hands off to Louise - Louise SNAPS her

fingers and the exchange takes place.

LOUISE

So what y’all gettin’ into? Pitch

me an idea--we’ll cut a "Vine"

together.

SHOSHANNA

I like, really need to study.

HANNAH

A "Vine"? Like the app?

LOUISE

Fuck yeah, I need some content,

people be runnin’ laps around me

right now up on there.

HANNAH

You want to make a "Vine"? With us?

(to Jessa re: baggie)

Well, we have something to do

right?

JESSA

Here’s as good a place as any.

(to Louise)

Tell me more about this "Vine"

thing.

LOUISE

You tell me, bitch. Imma fountain

of inspiration sure, but not like a

Bellagio Vegas fountain show an

shit.

HANNAH

Pitching is actually one of my

strong suits...I’m good in a room.

Louise stares expectantly.

HANNAH (CONT’D)

Well I have to do this oil pulling

thing anyway, so maybe we can--

BEEP BEEP BEEP -- BEEP BEEP BEEP. An alarm.

Shoshanna is shocked--pulling up from her book. Jessa and

Hannah look around.

Louise sprints out of the room and then returns with her

phone shutting off the alarm.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 20.

LOUISE

What’s oil pulling?

JESSA

Do you have somewhere to be?

LOUISE

(re: phone)

Aw this? Naw. I just have an alarm

for every hour. So when I lose this

shit it’s easy to find.

Shoshanna, Jessa and Hannah stare up at Louise.

HANNAH

That’s a really good idea actually.

INT. PUB - SAME

Adam is trapped between Desi and Lexi at the bar--the two a

bit buzzed.

DESI

--Then my director just sat there

and cried.

ADAM

No shit. Literally?

DESI

Yes. One hundred percent real

tears.

Lexi plays with Adams hair--Adam jumps back.

ADAM

Whoa. Hey!

LEXI

Your hair is flippy.

ADAM

(awkward)

Thank you.

Desi smirks - taking it in.

ADAM (CONT’D)

Um. This is bullshit, I should be

doing my exercises.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 21.

DESI

She’s just being friendly.

Lexi GIGGLES at this.

DESI (CONT’D)

Hey Adam, how do you get to

Carnegie Hall?

ADAM

Practice. You fucking practice.

Desi CHORTLES in Adam’s direction. Adam rises and looks the

two over.

ADAM (CONT’D)

Alright. I’m outta here.

Adam turns for departure.

DESI

(after Adam)

You act like you always belonged

there in the first place!

Adam’s gone. Desi gives a momentary look to a disappointed

Lexi, then he turns to his other side where Courtney still

sits.

INT. LOUISE’S FLAT - NIGHT

The girls sit on the couch around the coffee

table--Shoshanna, Jessa and Louise look to Hannah...waiting.

Hannah looks to each of them. One at a time.

HANNAH

Stop you guys. I feel like a lab

animal.

We see up towards Hannah through under the glass surface of

the coffee table. A neat line of coke is there, waiting for

her.

JESSA

Do it.

SHOSHANNA

Get it over with Hannah, I just

know I’m going to be like

babysitting you two all night now

the sooner you get started the

sooner it’ll be over with.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 22.

Hannah hoists a straw and moves in towards the line.

JESSA

NOOO!

Jessa throws herself on top of Hannah and smacks the straw

away from her.

Hannah’s nose is close to the cocaine atop the table.

HANNAH

What the fuck?! I’m just about to

do it already!

Hannah flares her nostrils, poised to inhale.

JESSA

NOOO!

Jessa covers Hannah’s face with her hands, keeping her from

snorting.

Hannah flails her arms--struggling.

Shoshanna is peeved -- Louise amused.

Louise realizes something- pulls out her phone and starts

taking photos, or video or something.

HANNAH

What the hell... are you doing?!

JESSA

I’m stopping you from being a cunt!

You’re supposed to tell me to shut

the fuck up! You’re supposed to tie

me up and save me from myself!

Hannah unhands Jessa- steps back.

JESSA (CONT’D)

You! You’re a SUCCUBUS! I don’t

need to live vicariously through

you, Hannah. I never needy any

bloody role models or bad

influences. I need you to stop

picking me up at rehab, stop

smiling at me and laughing at my

clever wit. Make me know I’m a fuck

up. Make me stop!

Hannah stands at a defensive pose, looking into Jessa’s

eyes.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 23.

We see now that Louise is recording everything on her camera

phone.

Jessa holds up her hands in horror.

JESSA

Fucking cocaine, all over my hands!

Do you have any idea how tempted I

am to shove these hands right into

my mouth?

Jessa moves her tongue towards her fingers - ready to lick.

Shoshanna and Hannah move in to stop her.

HANNAH

No! No! Bad cat!

The three tussle.

EXT. SOOJIN’S APARTMENT - SAME

Soojin walks the steps up to her apartment, a beautiful

brownstone on a quiet street. Marnie stands at the bottom of

the stairs.

MARNIE

Goodnight.

Soojin doesn’t answer as she ascends the stairs.

MARNIE (CONT’D)

See you tomorrow then.

Soojin slowly turns around. Marnie meets her blank gaze.

SOOJIN

Damn it.

MARNIE

Your keys.

SOOJIN

Duh. I left them in my clutch.

MARNIE

I guess you’ll have to wake the

roommate.

SOOJIN

Roommate? No way! I live alone,

this is life not college.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 24.

MARNIE

Can a neighbor get you in the

building at least?

SOOJIN

No. Daddy has the spare key, I’ll

just have to call him.

MARNIE

Sure. I can wait for you I guess

till he gets here.

SOOJIN

Wait? No I can’t call him right

now! I just have to crash with you

tonight.

MARNIE

Okay. Fine, Soojin.

SOOJIN

Aight. Move, bitch.

Soojin descends the stairs and starts walking.

MARNIE

Hey. It’s this way.

Marnie points in the opposite direction. Soojin does an

about face, and immediately starts the other way.

SOOJIN

Sleepover. Pajama party! What,

what!

Marnie sets off at the heels of Soojin.

INT. HANNAH’S APARTMENT - SAME

Hannah’s bedroom - dark and empty.

Hannah’s bathroom - the shower head drips.

Hannah’s kitchen - the fridge BUZZES.

Hannah’s living room - no one’s home.

The front door OPENS. Adam rushes in. He cranes his neck and

runs room to room.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 25.

ADAM

Hannah!...Hannah!

He halts in the living room. One last glance of the room and

he ends his search. He clicks on a lamp and flops down in a

chair.

Rubbing his brow, he throws his feet up on the coffee table.

He stops rubbing and looks down towards his feet.

Adam sits upright and brings his eyes up to Hannah’s coffee

table carving.

ADAM

Ash?

He EXHALES - frustrated. Bolts up, kills the light and moves

towards the front door.

We hear the SLAM.

The room and home is empty again.

INT. LOUISE’S FLAT - NIGHT

Hannah, Jessa and Shoshanna sit at Louise’s dinner table as

Louise walks circles around them. Their cheeks are puffed

out, mouths full of spit and coconut oil. Their speech is

garbled and spit threatens to fly out as they speak.

JESSA

Howr long do we do ish for again?

HANNAH

Twentshy minush. At leasht.

Louise extends her phone out- selfie pose. She has the app

"Vine" open.

INSERT SCREEN-

We see Louise with the rest of the women sitting behind her.

Louise attempts a rap:

LOUISE

"Oil pullin,

bishes oil pullin’,

coconutsh in the mouth,

(MORE)

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 26.

LOUISE (cont’d)

an we dental health chillin’."

Hannah and Shoshanna scrunch their noses and look to each

other disapprovingly.

Louis closes the app- not so sure either.

HANNAH

Wha ooh you feeling rike now?

Hannah readies pen and paper.

HANNAH (CONT’D)

Tell me bow the sensa-shun of oil

pulling?

LOUISE

Feelsh like a mouf full of cum.

JESSA

No dash jush what it looksh like.

Jessa opens her mouth to show everyone her foamy white spit.

JESSA (CONT’D)

Tastes more like chalk an dying

illusions of oneself.

SHOSHANNA

(worried)

I hate this. How mush longer?!

Hannah checks the time.

HANNAH

Jush like fifteen. Sixshteen

minutes.

Tears well in Shoshanna’s eyes.

SHOSHANNA

I can do dish. I’m gonna like barf.

Shoshanna frantically grabs a paper towel from a roll, and

spits into it. The huge mess can’t be contained, spittle

covers her hands and spills onto the table.

The disgusting sight causes Louise to start LAUGHING. She

covers her face, but then loses it. Spit flies out of her

mouth and she aims it atop the table. Shoshanna recoils in

disgust.

(CONTINUED)

CONTINUED: 27.

Jessa is pleased by the spectacle and then stands on top of

her chair. She poses dramatically, then purposefully spits

the contents of her mouth on top of the table. Louise loses

it- LAUGHING. Shoshanna covers her eyes- CRYING.

Hannah has taken it all in, observing everything.

HANNAH

Shorry. You guysh are immature. I’m

the professional here.

The LAUGHTER of Jessa and Louise peters out. Shoshanna rubs

her eyes and looks up. Everyones gaze meets Hannah’s.

Composed- Hannah wears her serious face.

But then...SPLOOSH. She loses it. Her mouthful of spit and

oil flies everywhere.

FADE OUT.