Oral

The tale of three stepmothers

Members:

1. Brentha A/P Kandasamy

2. Isaac Lee

3. Celine Chan

4. Benjamin Lau

5. Wong Yu Jun

6. Alicia Khor

Ralph: Mine’s not a tale of woe. But, it is complicated, so you have to pay attention. I

have two brothers, two half -brothers, one half- sister, three stepbrothers, one stepsister, three

stepmothers-that’s two old ones and one at the moment-one stepfather, two stepgrannies, and

one stepgrandpa that I know, and some more that I don’t know and any day now when Flora

has her baby, I’m going to have another half-sister. Oh, yes! And I have a mom and a dad.

Ralph: On Mondays and Thursdays I go directly to dad’s place after school. And every other

weekend mom drives me there, unless it’s the third Saturday in the month, when she has her

hair trimmed. On that day my stepdad drives me. He’s called Howard.

Ralph: On Tuesdays, Wednesdays, and Fridays, on the other hand, I go straight home to

mom’s, unless my dad can’t manage the following weekend. Then I’m supposed to go to his

house to make up, unless it’s Wednesday. You see, I have orchestra on Thursday morning,

and my horns never at dad’s house unless we are close to a concert, with Sunday rehersals,

and I was at dad’s house on the Sunday before.

Pixie: Stop there! I’m already lost.

Claudia: How can you ever remember where you are going? You’d have to be a genius to

work it out.

Ralph: I used to get it wrong a lot. I’d keep arriving at one house or the other and find no one

there. I wouldn’t know whether to sit on the door step and wait, or go back to the other house.

But then they bought me new lunchboxes: Two with Mickey Mouse on the side, and two

more with Dumbo.

Claudia: How did that help?

Ralph: Easy. D for Dumbo and dad, and M for Mickey and mom. If I wasn’t sure which

house I was aiming for, I looked at my lunchbox.

Claudia: Why four?

Ralph: A pair for each house. And even then, they’d sometimes both end up in the same

place, and mom or Annabel would have to stick a label on the side, saying “Not Mickey,

Dumbo”, or “Not Dumbo, Mickey”.

Pixie: Is Annabel you stepmom?

Ralph: She was. She isn’t now. I don’t see Annabel any more. But I still see Angus and

Patricia.

Pixie: Angus and Patricia?

Ralph: My ex-stepgrannie and grandpa.

Pixie: That’s it! I’m giving up.

Ralph: For heaven’s sake. We can’t be lost already. I have hardly started to explain

Claudia: Don’t try and explain just tell us the good bits.

Robbo: That’s right. Edited highlights only.

Ralph: Right. Coming up, one of the best moments ever. This was with Annabel, stepmother

number 1. That is what Howard calls her.

Pixie: Who is Howard. Do we know?

Ralph: I told you! Howard’s my stepdad, married to my mom. Have I mention Felicia ,

Alicia and Victor ?

Robbo: let me guess. They’re your stepsister and stepbrothers.

Ralph: Half-sisters and brother. We all have the same mom. My stepbrothers and sisters

belong to Janet.

Robbo: Janet?

Ralph: Stepmother number 2.

Robbo: Go back. Go back and start again. Don’t tell us anybody’s name unless you must.

Pixie: Right.

Ralph: Me and my real brothers.

Robbo: Oh, Alright.

Ralph: Edward and George. We all went round to dad and Annabel.

Pixie: Stepmother number 1!

Ralph: My brothers were a bit fed up. They didn’t really like Annabel. (hesitate) No that’s

not fair. They like her well enough. She was good fun, and she bought super presents. It’s just

that she got on their nerves. The problem was that she never left any of us alone with dad.

She was always there. Always. She came on every trip, even the boring ones like shopping or

getting petrol. She sat through every meal, and every telly Programme.

Ralph: She even tagged along when dad drove us back to mom’s house. I didn’t mind. I was

so little that I hardly noticed. But Edward and George just hated it. They said it wasn’t fair.

She had dad to herself for half of the week, so why couldn’t she back off a little bit when it

was our time?

George: “Dad might have chosen to have Annabel around all day every day.” I didn’t did I?

Neither did Edward or Ralph. So why do we have to put up with her every single minute?

Colin: He said that? To your mom?

Ralph: I don't think my mom comes out of the same box as your mom. You can say

practically anything to my mom. And she is allowed to say anything back, which she did this

time. She nagged and nagged at my dad, over the phone. But it did nothing to him. Dad

carried on as usual, letting his precious Annabel muscle in on every single thing rather on

explaining how George and Edward felt.

Mom: You're spineless! Letting Annabel to take care of all the stuffs!

Ralph: But i think that he was desperately, hopelessly and helplessly in love. Totally,

idiotically, soppily, horribly in love! He and his dearest Annabel spent all their time kissing

and cuddling. Calling each other "Munchkin" and "Pusscat".

Ralph: He didn't seem to notice it. Everything Annabel did was extremely fine with him. She

didn't like jazz, so he stopped listening to jazz. She thought shop bread was stuffed with

chemicals, so even if there's nothing on the breadbin, we had to wait for hours, starving to

death, while she made more of her own secret recipes ones instead of just nipping up at the

corner shop.

Ralph: She is always on diet, To be completely honest, I don't think she has the faintest idea

on how to eat properly. She hates and disapproved of coffee, so we all had to drink dandelion

tea. Dandelion tea! And every morning, Annabel read out her star sign forecast, and read it

again every evening, explaining how you could look at it so it was right. And dad didn't even

laugh at her. Annabel also believes that everyone has an aura around their head, a sort of

thing that shows what kind of person you are or what mood you are in.

Annabel: Edward, did you have a bad day in school today?

Edward: No, it was an amazing day today.

Annabel: What about you, George? Your aura's looking very thin and grey.

Edward: I had a very smashing day thank you.

Mom: He is extremely cracked.

Ralph: I think he was dippy in love..... until that day. The day where we had to bring Brandy

in with us.

Everyone: Brandy?

Ralph: Our cat. He couldn't stay home, you see, because mom was varnishing floors.

Mom: I'm not packing you three off to dad's, and Felicia's out in the pram with Howard, just

to have that fat, idle, inconsiderate pet of your to leave paw prints down my freshly varnished

hall, so he'll have to go with you. And if your dad makes a fuss, tell him he's lucky I don't

send Brandy every single week.

Colin: You're right, your mom can say literally anything.

Ralph: We didn't pass all of that on. We just rolled up, with Brandy squashed in a cage

Edward had knocked up from a broken milk bottle crate and bits of wire. And Annabel went

on about how cruel we were, poor little Brandy, hardly room to breathe. Until dad distracted

her by pointing out that we were out of bread again.

Colin: He said that? To your mom?Shall I send Edward up the shops?

Ralph: But no, Annabel insisted on kneading the dough, sang her "lucky chant" over the

dough, then tipped it in a brown china bowl to stand and rise.

Edward: Come on George. Let's go out. We'll take Ralph with us.

Ralph: And we went up the shops, where Edward spent all his allowance on three large

loaves, and we ate them all the way back home. Then George and Edward brushed the

crumbs off me, and we went back inside.

Ralph: Annabel's dough had risen miles high. A huge puffy ball, bulging up out of the bowl.

Annabel then turned to get her baking tins out of the cupboard. And at that moment, Brandy

leaped up the table. Then he lifted a paw and patted it, terribly gently.

Ralph: And George looked at Edward. Edward looked at George. And George put his hand

over my mouth, so I couldn't say anything. And just in that moment, dad came in the room.

So we were all there to watch as Annabel turned around just in time to see our fat old Brandy

curling himself up comfortably on her dough, and blinking coolly at her over the edge of the

bowl while it sank like a parachute beneath him.

Ralph: And Annabel went mad. She said that Brandy was an evil spirit, an evil beast that

was there to spoil her bread dough out of sheer spite. Dad even tried to stick up for Brandy.

Mom: More than he has ever done for you children!

Ralph: But Annabel wouldn't listen.

Annabel: I saw that creature for what he was the moment he came in the house. He has a

malevolent aura. Look at the purple ring round his head!

Dad: (says in disbelief) Malevolent aura? Our Brandy? Purple ring around his head? *started

laughing* Don't be ridiculous, Annabel!

Ralph: And he shooed Edward, George and me out of the kitchen, so they could carry on

without us listening. But we need not to.

Colin : Where is she now? Don’t you know? Don’t you mind? Don’t you miss her?

Ralph : No, I can’t say I mind. I can’t say I even missed her . You see, she was more of a

girlfriend of Dad’s than a real stepmother. And anyway, straight after she went off , Dad

took up with Janet, and that took all attention for a awhile.

Robbo :Is this another highlight coming up?

Ralph :I think it would be fairer to call it a few lowlights.

Claudia :Press on. Off you go. Stepmother Number Two.

Ralph : She was a real shock. Not one of us had ever come across anyone like her before.

George thought Dad must have found her in a gaol.

Robbo :Gaol? What do you mean?

Ralph : Not in a cell. In the main office. Running everything. She was more keen on rules

than anyone I’ve ever known. Janet had rules about everything.

Janet : I have rules on what you can watch on telly, and for how long. Rules about what time

everyone have to go to bed, and when to get up, even on Saturdays.

Ralph: She even had rules about what sort of food you were allowed to take out of the fridge

without asking. She used to treat a lump of cheese as if it was the crown jewels. (sigh)

Mealtimes were the worst.

Janet : I have rules on how you should chew your food and what you have to do with your

elbows, and how to hold your knife and fork. I also have a rule about not sliding the butter

dish along like a hockey puck.

Ralph : There were rules about saying “Please” and “Thank You” and “May I pass you the

bread?”. There was a rule about not starting to eat until everyone at the table had been served.

There was a special knife for the butter dish. There was a special spoon for the spread.

(shakes head )

Claudia : Was there a rule about no one could get up and answer the telephone if it rang

unless everyone round the table had finished their pudding?

Ralph : Unfortunately, yes. ( scowl ) I must have missed about a million calls!

Pixie : What about your dad? Didn’t he mind?

Ralph : Mind? He liked it. He said after Annabel it was wonderful.

Ralph’s Dad : She is sensible and organized!

Ralph : Everyone seemed to agree, Edward and George thought she was brilliant because

they had tons of time alone with Dad while she was rushing between doctors and dentists and

school shows and parents’ evening with Tom and Joe and Doug and Ann. My stepbrothers

and sister.

Janet : My own children moved in as well. I wanted to give it a try.

Ralph : I could have told them all it wouldn’t work . The house wasn’t big enough. I didn’t

mind Tom so much. And Ann was quite nice, once you got to know her. But you’d need a

castle for me to get on with Joe and Doug. Not that anyone listened to me, of course.

Colin : What did your mum say?

Ralph : That one thing I don’t understand. Mum and Howard thought Janet was wonderful.

Maybe it was because she came so quickly after Annabel. But mum kept saying.

Ralph’s Mum : It’s so nice to have a bit of order in our lives for once and credit where it’s

due. I’ve never seen your clothes come home so beautifully laundered. She even got those oil

stains off Edward’s shirt. Do you think I dare send her that cot blanket of Alicia’s?

Ralph : My mum spent hours on the phone with Janet. In fact, she hardly bothered with my

dad at all, once Janet came. Anything complicated-dates for holidays, extra rehearsals,

exchange visits toFrance- she just fixed up with Janet.

Ralph’s Mum : What a joy, to deal with a woman who can draw up a proper schedule. Let’s

hope it lasts.

Robbo : And did it?

Ralph : Oh, yes. It lasted. ( sigh ) I think if anyone ever sends me to prison. I’ll know

exactly how to behave. I’ll pick up the rules in no time. I’ll know how to share a tiny cell

between three people. I’ll know not to leave any of my stuff lying about on someone else’s

patch on the floor.

Colin : In case someone trample on your things, and break them?

Ralph : Yeah.

Claudia : You’ll know better than to be more than a microsecond late for any meal because

with so many people in the house, the person who cooked it can’t be expected to think about

saving things for latecomers. (laugh)

Pixie : And you’ll certainly remember to take all your model cars off your bookshelves and

lock them away sensibly in your cupboard, where you can’t even look at them at night.

( laugh )

Ralph : I won’t expect to get to watch what I want on telly more than once in a lifetime. I’ll

know to give a year’s notice if I want a bath and not to expect more than one measly sweet

out of a packet I have to share it round.

Robbo : You’ll know how to read some complicated charts about whose turn is it to wash,

and dry, and put away, and dust, and sweep the kitchen floor, and wipe down the counters.

Ralph : Oh, yes. I’ll be brilliant in prison.

Claudia : But, surely, Janet’s gone now.

Ralph : Yes, Janet’s gone now. She got fed up with Mum and Dad. First she said they were

taking advantage of her. Then she said neither of them pulled their weight. And in the end she

said that both of them had pushed their luck too far.

Colin : What had they done?

Ralph : Well, Dad kept fixing up work trips on the days when we were there.

Dad : You’ve got four anyway. Three more won’t make any difference.

Ralph : And then Mum started sneaking Victor’s romper suits into Edward’s sports bag,

hoping that Janet would come across them and get the stains out before sending them back.

Pixie : That’s terrible ! So unfair !

Ralph : My mum’s a bit like that.

Dad : She’d got no more than she deserved, and it would serve her right if Stepmother

Number Three sent back our socks and underwear without even bothering to wash them.

Ralph : Mum blamed my Dad, of course. And Dad blamed Mum. But nobody else gave a

hoot. We were too happy. I could spread all my models along my shelves again. We ate out

of pizza boxes and chip bags. And George even organized a ceremony for dropping the

butter-knife down the drain.

Ralph : It was like suddenly being set free. Wonderful. And we went on like that until last

year….

Pixie,Robbo,Collin,Claudia : Stepmother Number Three !

Ralph : They haven married yet. But she’s moved in. Her name is Flora. Flora means

Flower.

Claudia : Ralph ? Ralph !

Ralph : What ?

Claudia : Tell us. Tell us about Flora.

Ralph : Oh, yes. Well, Edward meet her first. He dropped in unexpectedly to pick up his

school biology project on skin diseases, and found her lying on Dad’s patio with hardly any

clothes on. Dad looked uncomfortable.

Dad : Edward, this is Flora. Flora can’t you cover yourself up ?

Flora : I’m enjoying the sun. Why don’t you cover up Edward ?

Ralph : So Edward covered up his head, and they had a nice long chat about leprosy and

nappy rash.

Pixie : Very nice.

Ralph : George didn’t meet her till the day after that. She came with Dad to pick him up

from his viola lesson, and they went shopping for food.

George : I’d never seen anything like that.

Ralph : Strawberries, kiwi fruits, waffles, Belgian chocolates. Dad nearly had a fit. He kept

coughing anxiously and peering in his wallet. But Flora went on dumping treats into the

trolley. And when they reached the checkout, Dad tried to make a stand.

Dad : We don’t have room in the freezer for four separate ice-cream tubs.

George : Flora ignored him.

Ralph : But seeing Dad squinting gloomily in his wallet again, the lady on the checkout

picked out the bilberry and the toffee pecan.

Checkout Lady : Be a dear, and put these back for your mother.

Flora : I’m not his mother ! I’m far too young to be his mother !

Ralph : And Flora looked absolutely horrified. But nowhere near as horrified as Dad.

George : When he was telling us after.

Dad : Here comes Stepmother Number Three.

Ralph : But I felt out of it because I hadn’t met her, so I hadn’t anything to tell.

Claudia : You’ve met her now though.

Ralph : Oh, yes. I’ve met her now.

Pixie : Well ?

Ralph : What ?

Claudia : Meeting Flora.

Ralph : Oh, yes. I met her the next day. Mum was sticking to Janet’s schedule.

Mum : It’s like Annabel’s lunchbox. Too good to give up just because she’s gone.

Ralph : So I went over to Dad’s as usual, and Flora opened the door.

Ralph : Hello. Here I am.

Flora : That’s very nice, but who are you ?

Ralph : I’m Ralph. I think I might be the one of your new sort of stepsons.

Ralph : She didn’t look frightfully pleased, I must say, In fact, she stormed off to thr living

room, to phone my dad. I heard her through the door, sounding ratty.

Flora : What do you mean you can’t get away from work ?

Ralph : I don’t know what he said, but it can’t have worked any better on Flora than Janet,

because the next thing I heard was Flora slamming down the phone. Then she came back.

Flora : Your dad’s got a cheek. I’m not a nanny !

Ralph : And I’m not a baby.

Ralph : Well, I was hurt. And then, to prove it, I went in the kitchen.

Ralph : I’m getting myself a cheese sandwich. May I make you one too ?

Flora : Don’t bother making us sandwiches. We’re eat out.

Ralph : But what about Dad ?

Flora : What about him ?

Ralph : And I see the point. If he couldn’t even get home in time to introduce us on the day

we met, why should we worry about him ?

Ralph : So off we went. We had the best time ever. First we had Chinese food. Then she took

me to a film about Killer Tomatoes. And then, while we were arguing about aliens on the

way home, we bumped into some of her friends and went off to a coffee bar, where I took the

chance to sneak away and ring Dad.

Dad : Where are you ?!

Ralph : We’re at the Purple Onion. We’re just having a nightcap with a couple of friends,

and then we’re on our way home.

Dad: Do you know what time it is?

Ralph: Back soon. But we weren’t, because Flora took her time over her coffee. It was

eleven-thirty when we got home.

Dad: How could you do that? It’s getting on for midnight. On a school night!

Flora: Oh,well. Another time, maybe, you’ll think twice before leaving him in my care

without checking about my plans.

Robbo: You’re totally soft on Flora, aren’t you?

Ralph: I think she’s wonderful. She’s done all sorts of terrible things to me. She poured a

bowl of spaghetti over my head when I was rude to her.

Ralph: She picks me up from school hours late. I practically finish my homework sitting in

the gutter. She gets me in trouble, sneaking me into films I’m not old enough to see, and

places I shouldn’t go. If I complain, she only says

Step mum: Don’t moan at me. I’m not your mother!

Ralph: She’s completely disorganized. She bought me the most amazing stone frog in the

January Sales, and then forgot my birthday.

Ralph: And now she’s pregnant, she’s impossible. Yesterday, she sent me miles to buy a

bottle of mint sauce for her sandwiches.

Robbo: Mint sauce for a sandwich?

Ralph: That’s all she eats now. Mint sauce sandwiches. I worry about this baby. She’ll never

look after it properly.

Ralph: All the responsibility will fall on me. Mum says if Flora craves for mint sauce, it’s

because her body needs it, and I should stop fussing round her like and old hen. But in all the

baby books-

Robbo: You’re never reading books!

Ralph: Of course I am. This baby is my sister. All right, then. Half-sister. Or half- brother,

maybe. But either way Flora’s not going to be much use.

Ralph: She’s only ever looked after a goldfish in her whole life. And that was found floating

belly-upwards in its bowl. No, I’m afraid it’s up to me. But Mum has promised I can spend a

bit more time around there, just till I get them better organized.

Pixie: Doesn’t your mother mind you being- Being totally soft on your stepmother?

Ralph: She teases me about it a little. Everyone does. Yesterday, when I was sorting out the

baby clothes that Mum is lending me, George even pointed out that I am actually nearer in

age to Flora than Dad is, so if she’s going to marry anyone, maybe it should be me.

Ralph: But Howard said I should just thank my lucky stars that Stepmother Number Three

turned out a winner.

Pixie: Do you think she’ll stay?

Ralph: She’s settling down. No doubt about it. George and Edward keep warning me not to

bank on it. It might just be the baby.

Ralph: It might not last. But when I was helping her sort out some old toys and rattles and

stuff, she picked up a fairy-tale book she’s had since she was four, and started to read.

Stepmother number three: Once upon a time there was a beautiful stepmother who lived

with her three wicked stepchildren , deep in the woods…

Ralph: I checked it later, and she’d changed it round. But I think, if she can make a joke like

that she must be settling down.

Claudia: Oh, yes. And, after all, third time lucky.

Ralph: That’s what I think. At least that’s what I hope. Third time lucky.

Pixie: If it’s third time lucky, I’ve a long way to go.

Robbo: Go on, then. Tell us.

Pixie: Why? Am I next?

Claudia: I thought we were going round in a circle. It should be Robbo now. I don’t mind

Pixie going first if she’s ready.

Ralph: Really? She’s probably even worked out a little.

Pixie: Yes. I do have a little. I’m calling my story “The Pains In My Life”.

Ralph: All right, then. But no fancy thrills. We want the truth, and nothing but the truth, or it

won’t count. What makes u think-?