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TRANSCRIPT
A Mistaken Model for Grief
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A Mistaken Model for Grief
• Originated in On Death and Dying• Seminal work on the experiences of the dying• Never intended as a study of grief and bereavement
• Loss experiences may be similar but are not the same
• Bereaved too often take the model as a “prescription for recovery”
• There is no recovery from grief because grief is not an illness
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“The five stages – denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance –
are a part of the framework that makes up our learning to live with the one we
lost. They are tools to help us frame and identify what we may be feeling. But
they are not stops on some linear time line in grief.”~Elisabeth Kubler-Ross
ac-cept-ance
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noun1. the action of consenting to receive or undertake
something offered.synonyms: • receipt, receiving, taking, obtaining
“the acceptance of an award”• undertaking, assumption
“the acceptance of responsibility”• yes, affirmative reply
“acceptance to an invitation
Why Say “Yes” Instead of “No”?
• Without acceptance, there can be no change• Reclamation of personal power in the midst of the
chaos that is grief• “storm”, “whirlwind”• Life “turned upside down”, “destroyed”, “devastated”
• Finding choices where there seem to be none
• Without accepting the end of the relationship that existed prior to death, there can be no forging of a new and on-going relationship• Even a difficult or ambiguous relationship can be
transformed through how one chooses to grieve it
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Acceptance –vs- Awareness
• Subtle but important difference• What we are aware of is primarily the emotion
that arises in the moment• Anger, sadness, relief, guilt, etc
• Most often try to get rid of these emotions without accepting them as the experience of grief• Ignoring/pushing away/covering up
• Behaviors: drink, drugs, food, shopping, sex. sleep, etc.
• Distraction• The Myth of Keeping Busy
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What Acceptance Is
• The result of purposeful awareness• Conscious direction of attention/focus• Curiosity/Inquisitiveness
• Being emotionally non-reactive to emotion• Interrupts “avalanching”
• Non-judgmental• Neither good nor bad• Not a choice between pleasure or pain• Goal is not to make a “bad” thing better, but to reconcile
ourselves with the way things are• Balanced acceptance of the present experience
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What Acceptance Is Not
• Creating an Identity out of grief• Denying the inherent difficulty of living in a
state of bereavement• Living in a silent state of misery, waiting for grief
to disappear
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Most Importantly
• We don’t have to like something in order to accept it• Reason most often given for not accepting the grief
experience
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From Accepting to Embracing
• Realization of the transformative power of grief• Not “motivational”• Not “inspirational”
• Grief becomes a source of wisdom• We become more patient, flexible, and compassionate
• Alchemical • Transmutation from base metal to gold• The horrifying becomes a gift
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Helping the Bereaved Embrace Their Grief
• Make them aware that they have choice and power • Give them permission to feel what they feel as they
feel it• Give them permission to question -- Everything• Dispel myths
• Stages of Grief• Keeping busy• Letting go/Moving on
• Suggest ways to be an active participant in their own grief experience• Art – all forms• Body awareness/Movement
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Helping the Bereaved Embrace Their Grief
• Remind them that we grieve in direct proportion to how much we have loved • That love never dies and can put to great use/purpose
• Offer ways to help find that purpose • Meditation• Ritual• Journaling• Volunteer/Find a Cause
• When we become truly aware and accepting of the pain of our own grief, we are able to become truly aware of the pain of others
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“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you
come alive and go do it. Because what this world needs
are people who have come alive”~Howard Thurman
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“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you
come alive and go do it. Because what this world needs
are people who have come alive.”~Howard Thurman
“Suddenly you’re ripped into being alive. And life is pain,
and life is suffering, and life is horror, but, my God, you’re
alive and it’s spectacular.”~Joseph Campbell