Download - Cheat Sheet: Agreement without tantrums
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 2 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
How to Get Your Child from “No” to “Yes!” in Three Easy Steps Frustrating, isn’t it? Getting your kids to agree with you is hit and miss. Sometimes they will, and sometimes they won’t. Sometimes you can see it coming, and other times ... not so much. You don’t want to argue, but what do you do? There are times when you just have to get your point across, or get out the door, without tears, tantrums or frayed tempers. What you need is a “cheat sheet”. A simple, done-for-you process that works. Every time. Well, you’re holding just that in your hot little hand right now … or maybe viewing it on your screen. Either way, you’ve found the cure. And it’s simple. The way to get agreement from you children, without tears or tantrums, is to use the PACT system. PACT stands for:
Probe: find out what’s behind their refusal
Articulate Concern: explain the concern behind your request
Team up: collaborate on a solution that will work for both of you
That’s it, just three simple steps to go from “NO!” to “Yes”. Now, you don’t want a lot of gumph and theory here because you’re busy, and you’re smart. So, let’s just dive in. On the next page is a script for you to follow, so you can start using the PACT system straight away. It may look a little confusing, but once you’ve read the examples of the script in action you’ll be good to go. Let’s dive in.
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 3 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
The PACT Script
No! I won’t, and you can’t make
me!
You don’t want to [action]?
No! … (The child will usually expand
on their reasons here)!
Tell me more about that
I [explanation]!
OK, well I’m concerned [insert your
concern].
[Further explanation about
refusal, or possible solution to
concern]
Is there another way we can [meet our
concerns].
(If your child doesn’t offer a solution, ask for one)
What about [child offers solution]
What about we [insert a solution that
meets both needs]?
(If your child doesn’t expand on their reasons)
Probe: find out what’s behind their refusal (Calmly, and with curiosity)
Articulate Concern: explain the concern behind your request
Team up: collaborate on a solution that
will work for both of you
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 4 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
Example 1 You need to leave a friend’s house, and your pre-schooler doesn’t want to go.
No! I don’t want to go, and you
can’t make me! You don’t want to leave now?
No! I’m playing with Lego and I
don’t want to leave
I see. You’re having fun and don’t
want to go?
No. I don’t.
OK, well I’m concerned we’re going to
be late for the dentist.
!
How can we get to the dentist on time?
I don’t know.
What about we get going now, and
we’ll get your Lego out when we get
home?
(No response)
OK
Articulate Concern
Team up
Probe
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 5 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
Example 2
Your 6 year old won’t put a jacket on before going out.
No! I’m not putting my jacket on,
and you can’t make me! You don’t want to wear your jacket?
No! I hate that jacket. It’s horrible!
I see. You hate the jacket.
Yes, and I don’t want to wear it.
OK, well I’m concerned you’re going
to be cold. It’s pretty cold outside.
It’s not THAT cold. Besides, I’d
rather be cold than wear that
stupid thing Is there something else you can wear
that will keep you warm?
I could wear that other jacket, the
blue one…?
Well, it’s not as warm as the green
one, but if you prefer that, I think it’s
OK. Great. I’ll go and get it.
Articulate Concern
Team up
Probe
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 6 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
Example 3
Your 10 year old won’t do their homework.
No! I don’t’ want to do it, and you
can’t make me!
You don’t want to do your homework?
No! It’s boring and I won’t do it!
I see. You think the homework is boring
Yes, and I don’t want to do it.
OK, well I’m concerned you’re not
going to be proud of your grades
when your report arrives.
I do want good grades, but the
homework is boring. It’s boring.
How can you be sure you’ll be proud
of your grades?
I guess I could just do it, and get
it over with.
That sounds like a great idea. Let me
know if you need some help.
OK. It shouldn’t take long.
Articulate Concern
Team up
Probe
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 7 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
The Only Way to Make PACT Work You need to follow this script for it to work. You can’t cut bits out and expect the
same results.
You may feel silly using some of the lines here.
You might think, “Why would I repeat what my child just told me? I’ll just skip straight
to the Articulate Concerns bit.”
But it’s important not to skip steps. Here’s why – your child feels heard.
They have to feel you’ve heard what they’re saying before they can move on. So
please don’t skip steps.
You kids are going to be more willing to listen to you if you’ve listened to
them.
Now what? Now set aside any hesitation you have, and JUST TRY IT.
It helps to print out the page titled “The Script” and keep it somewhere you’ll see it
around your home. Review it in your head so you’ll be ready at your next opportunity.
Even if you don’t think this will work, what do you have to lose? Tantrums? Tears?
Frustration?
Give it a go. It will make your life easier.
Please share this book with other parents
Want more?
Want more simple strategies for a functional family? I can help you:
Stop all the nagging, yelling and reminding
Easily get your kids to do things they don’t like (like tidy their room)
Stop the bickering and arguing
Offer simple choices that make your kids feel confident and in control, while
still doing what you ask
Copyright © Cate Scolnik. All Rights Reserved 8 www.howtotrainyourchildren.com
How To Train Your Children
How To Train Your Children is inspired by a popular series of books about people
and dragons - two warring parties who form an allegiance.
The people learn that by working with the dragons they can form an amazing
partnership. One that is far greater than the sum of its parts.
To outsiders it appears that the dragons are tame, but the reality is that they’re a
team, and each member has a role to play.
It’s the same in families. We can choose to fight and argue, or we can harness trust,
communication and understanding, and together become unstoppable.
Are you ready to make your family fly?
Questions?
Cate Scolnik can help you stop yelling and create
a family that listens to each other. You can
reach her at
[email protected], and find
her at www.howtotrainyourchildren.com.
Cate is a parenting strategist, writer and
mother. She has super powers when it
comes to making things simple, but
effective. She has direct experience of the
career vs parenting tug-of-war, and knows
how to establish priorities so you can get
solutions fast.