difficult conversations
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aTRANSCRIPT
DIFFICULT CONVERSATIONS*
How to resolve differences on your own or with help from
Mediation Services for Faculty and Staff
*Adapted by U‐M Mediation Services for Faculty and Staff, from Stone, Patton, Heen, Difficult Conversations: How to Discuss What Matters Most, Viking Books, 1999.
How can you talk to someone about a difficult subject in a
constructive way that improves your relationship?
Step 1: Consider the Three Parts of the Conversation
1. What happened?
2. What feelings are involved?
3. What identity issues exist?
1. What happened?
o We assume what happened is obvious. But it’s not.
o One’s view of events depends on past experiences, assumptions, values, and information.
o Don’t assume that the impact of the event is intentional.
o Try to put yourselves in the other person’s shoes.
Ask Yourself
o Where does my story about what happened come from?
o Where might the other person’s story come from?
o What impact has the situation had on me?o What might the other person have intended?o How has each of us contributed to the
problem and what can each of us do to resolve it?
Contribution (not blame)
o Avoid blame. o Instead, ask yourself what you did that helped cause the situation.
o If you don’t know, ask yourself whether you contributed to the problem by:• Avoiding the problem• Being unapproachable• Having a different communication style, background, etc.
o Ask yourself what the other person or a neutral observer would say your contribution was.
2. What feelings are involved?
o Feelings are often at the core of the problem.o Unexpressed feelings can:
• Leak into conversations through voice tone, word choice, and body language
• Cause outbursts• Make it hard to listen• Damage self‐esteem and relationships
o Examine your own feelings and consider other person’s feelings.
o New information causes perceptions and feelings to change.
3. What identity issues exist?
o Consider whether the situation challenges or undermines your view of yourself.
o Recognize that this can be anxiety‐provoking.
o Remember that:• Your identity is complex.
• What you do in one situation is not who you are.
o Be aware that the other person might be grappling with identity issues, too.
Step 2: Decide Whether to Have the Difficult Conversation
o Don’t initiate a conversation if:
• The real problem is within yourself.
• Actions are more appropriate than words.
• It’s not important.
• You just want to vent.
• You just want the other person to change.
o Do initiate a conversation if your purpose is:
• To learn the other person’s story (their views, intentions, contributions, feelings, and identity issues)
• To share your story
• To problem‐solve together
Step 3: Start from the Third Story
1. Begin with the story that a neutral observer would tell about the situation.Describe the problem in a way that is acceptable to you and the other person, without placing blame.Describe the problem as the difference between your stories. For example, “My sense is that you and I see things differently. I’d like to share with you how I see it and learn from you how you see it.”
2. Share your purpose: to gain mutual understanding and resolve the problem together.
3. Invite the other person to join you as a partner in this endeavor.
Step 4: Explore Their Story and Then Yours
1. Encourage the other person to share her story.
2. Tell your own story.
3. Reframe the story.
1. Encourage the other person to share her story.
o Listen
o Ask questions
o Paraphrase
o Acknowledge
Listen
o Listening to the other person’s story with a real desire to learn is crucial:• It is the only way to learn and understand.• If the other person feels heard and understood, she is more likely to listen to you.
o Be aware of filters that impede your ability to listen. They may include:• Assumptions or judgments you make about what’s going on• Feelings or identity issues that you might be experiencing
Ask questions
o To learn the other person’s story, you’ll need toask questions:
• Ask open‐ended, not yes‐no, questions. (“Help me understand…” “Tell me about...”)
• Ask questions only to learn, not to assert, cross‐examine, or discredit.
• Ask about what happened, feelings, and identity issues.
• Ask about reasoning and vision. (“What leads you to say that?” “What would that look like to you?”)
Paraphrase and acknowledge feelings
o Express in your own words what you think the other person is saying.• Allows you to be sure you’ve heard and understood, and to unravel chain of events
• Provides opportunity for the other person to clarify her story
• Shows the other person that you’ve heard and understood
o Acknowledge the feelings behind the other person’s story.• Makes the other person feel at ease and able to speak honestly
2. Tell your own story.o Begin by talking about what matters most to you.
o Avoid easing into conveying a message; it heightens anxiety.
o Say what you mean.
o Don’t oversimplify; use “and” to connect thoughts and feelings.
o Present your story as opinion, not fact or truth. (Avoid words like “should,” “inappropriate,” or “unprofessional.”)
o Do not exaggerate. (Avoid words like “always” and “never.”)
Tell your own story. (cont’d)
o Take responsibility for your contribution to the problem.
o Explain why you acted as you did. (This helps the other person understand their contribution and what they might do differently.)
o Explain what information you are relying on and where it came from.
o Express your feelings underlying your story. (Say “I feel” instead of “you are.”)
o Ask the other person to paraphrase what you’ve said, to be sure she understands you.
3. Reframe the story.
o Reframe the other person’s story to create a learning conversation:• Truth ‐> Different stories
• Accusations ‐> Intent and impact
• Blame ‐> Contribution
• Judgments, characterizations ‐> Feelings
• What’s wrong with you ‐> What’s going on for her
Step 5: Problem‐Solving
o Sometimes sharing stories and feelings will fix the problem.
o But if not:• Work to persuade each other by continuing to exchange information about reasons and assumptions.
• Try to agree on a standard by which to judge assumptions and so what should happen.
• Ask the other person’s advice on how to proceed.• Brainstorm about options.• Consider alternatives to not resolving the problem.• Compromise.• Agree to continue the conversation later.
MEDIATION SERVICES FOR FACULTY AND STAFF:AN ALTERNATIVE TO HANDLING A DISPUTE ON YOUR OWN
o Contact Mediation Services for Faculty and Staff (MSFS) when you need help to resolve a conflict, potential conflict, or other problem at work.
o Mediation Services provides free, voluntary, confidential consultation and mediation services to staff or faculty members who request them.
Consultation
o A confidential conversation with a staff mediator/consultant about how to handle a work‐related concern or conflict
o Options explored might include:• Specific strategies you might use• Other University resources (OIE, FASAP…)• Having the consultant obtain information for you• Mediation
o Decision about what to do is yours
Mediation
o A process where a trained, neutral mediator helps people to resolve or prevent disputes through an honest, structured discussion of their needs and the issues involved
o The mediator:• Acts as a facilitator, not a decision‐maker
• Listens and asks questions to help the parties clarify the issues, recognize their interests, and reach an agreement
When to Use Mediation Services
o Examples include:
• Differences or disagreements
• Communication problems
• Tension caused by the workload or work environment
• Unclear division of work responsibilities
When Mediation is Not Available
o Tenure decisions
o Illegal discrimination or harassment (unless the University agrees mediation might be useful)
o Serious misconduct, including criminal conduct
How to Contact Mediation Services
o Call : 734‐615‐4789
o E‐mail: [email protected]
o Send a request through website: www.umich.edu/~mediate