david stark & andrea warnick, rn, ma tear soup: a recipe for healing after loss. recommended for...

David Stark & Andrea Warnick, RN, MA www.andreawarnick.com

!  Dispel myths and misconceptions regarding children and

death

!  Offer suggestions to foster emotional literacy as well as ways to support children’s understanding of concepts related to dying, death, and grief

!  Provide literary, web, and community resources related to

children’s grief

Copyright © 2014 Andrea Warnick


•  Fear of saying wrong thing

•  Fear of taking away hope

•  Uncertainty regarding emotional reactions

•  Concerns about increasing anxiety

•  Cultural backdrop

!  Children should not be at the bedside of the dying

!  Preschoolers are “too young” to understand concepts related to death

!  We need to protect children from thinking about dying and death

!  Funerals/visitations are traumatic for young children

!  If told about an impending death, the child will think about it all the time


!!  In “chunks” over the short

and long term !  Grief “bursts”

!  No age rules

!  Children’s grief changes as

they enter new levels of development


“For adults grief is like wading through this

enormous river whereas for children it's puddle jumping,

but when they're in that puddle it's no different to the

river.”

- Julie Stokes, Winston’s Wish

!  Tummy aches/head aches !  Sleep disturbance !  Irritability !  Hyperactivity !  Anger !  Death play !  Repetitive asking of questions !  Loss of confidence/fear !  Increased need for affection


Overview of a Child’s Understanding of Death

"  < 2 Years: No real concept (but still react to separation).

"  3-4 Years: Death is a changed state. Don’t understand finality. Often believe death is accidental rather than inevitable.

"  5-6 Years: Grasp many components of a mature concept of death, such as finality and nonfunctionality, but may not recognize personal mortality.

"  9-10 Years: Full understanding of all components of death.

!  Create an appropriate space with minimal disturbances.

!  Get on the level of the child.

!  Start the conversation by asking what the child understands until this point.

!  Encourage kids to ask questions or share worries, reassuring that all are ‘okay’.


1. Make sure to understand the question that is being asked

2. Validate the question

3. Answer honestly using simple, concrete language

“What do you think?”

“Can you help me understand your question better?”

“You would like to know…?”

“That’s a really good question.”


!  Did I C…….?

!  Can I C…....?

!  Can I C……?

!  Who is going to take C………?


! Do use the words:

!  “cancer”/“ALS” !  “dying” !  “death” !  “died”

! Try not to use: !  “gone” !  “lost” !  “passed away” !  “not going to get better” !  “sorry” !  “in heaven”


“DEAD” means that a body has stopped working and will never work again. The body cannot move, breathe, think, feel, see, smell, talk… The body does not feel pain or hunger or fear.


“GRIEF” is all the different feelings that occur when someone you care about is dying or has died ALONE

WORRIED

CONFUSED MAD


FEAR

GUILT

!  Acknowledge the loss

!  Discuss, encourage and model expression of ALL emotions, in a range of healthy ways

!  Be present

!  Remember that it’s often easier for kids to be mad than sad

!  Distinguish between feelings vs. behaviors

!  Consistency = Predictability = Control

!  Include in rituals


!  Seize the “teachable moment”

!  Allow for death to show up in play

!  Introduce concepts of death through literature

!  Demonstrate a level of comfort the topic

!  Call it what it is: dying and death

!  Foster emotional literacy


!  Chronic physical symptoms without obvious cause

!  Persistent denial of death

!  On-going sleep/eating disturbances

!  Prolonged changes in typical behavior

!  On-going concerns about the 4C’s

!  Risk-taking behaviors

!  Lack of interest in previously enjoyed activities Copyright © 2014 Andrea Warnick

•  Be honest

•  Use simple but correct language

•  Foster an environment where children can ask questions

•  Know that it is okay to not have the answer



http://grievingstudents.scholastic.com

Local (Free) Resources •  Camp Erin Toronto (weekend bereavement camp for children

who have experienced the death of a parent or sibling): www.drjaychildrensgriefcentre.ca/camp-erin/

•  Bereaved Families of Ontario - Toronto (bereavement support

groups for children and adults): www.bfotoronto.ca •  Gilda’s Club (support for families and friends affected by

cancer): www.gildasclubtoronto.org •  Dr. Jay Children’s Grief Program (individual grief counselling for

children who are experiencing the serious illness or death of a parent or sibling): www.drjaychildrensgriefcentre.ca

•  Young Carers Program (program for children in positions of

caregiving): www.ycptoronto.weebly.com

Canadian Virtual Hospice: www.virtualhospice.ca

Dougy Centre (US Centre for Grieving Children): www.dougy.org

Kids Help Phone (1-800-668-6868): www.kidshelpphone.ca

Sesame Street “When Families Grieve”: www.sesamestreet.org/parents/topicsandactivities/topics/grief

Winston’s Wish (UK organization for grieving kids & youth): www.winstonswish.org.uk

Literary Resources for Children Brown, L. K. (1996). When Dinosaurs Die: A Guide to Understanding Death. Recommended for under ten

Holmes, M. M. (2000). A Terrible Thing Happened Recommended for under ten Kerner, S. (2015). Mama’s Right Here. Companion book: Always By My Side. Recommended for under ten

Mellonie, B. (1983). Lifetimes: A Beautiful Way to Explain Death to Children. Recommended for under ten

Schweibert, P., & DeKlyen, C. (1999). Tear Soup: A Recipe for Healing After Loss. Recommended for six and over

Stokes, J. A. (2000). The Secret C: Straight Talking about Cancer. Recommended for 7-10 yrs

Literary Resources for Children

Thomas, P. (2000). I Miss You: A First Look at Death. Recommended for 7-10 yr

Winston’s Wish. Muddles, Puddles and Sunshine: Your Activity Book to Help When Someone Has Died. Recommended for under ten

Eaton Russell, C. (2007). Living Dying: A Guide for Adults Supporting Grieving Children and Teenagers.

Silverman, P. R. (2009). A Parent’s Guide to Raising Grieving Children. The Dougy Centre. (2004). Helping Teens Cope with Death. The Dougy Centre. (2004). 35 Ways to Help a Grieving Child. Winston’s Wish. Hope Beyond the Headlines: Supporting a Child

Bereaved through murder or manslaughter. Winston’s Wish. Beyond the Rough Rock: Supporting a Child who has

been Bereaved Through Suicide.

Hospice Calgary. Good Grief. Supporting the Bereaved Student: A Resource Guide for Educators.

Goldman, L. (1998). Helping the grieving child in school. Healing Magazine 5: 8-16.

Klicker, R. L. (2000). A Student Dies, A School Mourns: Dealing with Death and Loss in the School Community.

Saunders, L. (2007). What We Don’t Discuss: A Teacher’s Guide to Death and Dying.

The Dougy Centre (2004). Helping the Grieving Student: A Guide for Teachers.

The Dougy Centre (2003). When Death Impacts Your School: A Guide for School Administrators.

“The greatest gift you can give your children is not protection from change, loss, pain or stress, but the confidence and tools to cope and grow with all that life has to offer them.”

Dr. Wendy Harpham

email: [email protected]

web: www.andreawarnick.com

phone: 416-428-6268

other: facebook, twitter, linkedin

Newsletter sign up via website

C – “consider” the needs of the child H – “honesty” in dealing with the child I – “involve” the child L – “listen” to the child (meet the child at his/her level of understanding)

D – “do” it again and again

david stark & andrea warnick, rn, ma tear soup: a recipe for healing after loss. recommended for...

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