darth vader watches the stars

8/14/2019 Darth Vader Watches the Stars

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Contents

I. The Moisture Farmer Leaves Home

VaderThe Vessel

Stop Whining, Luke

The Crazy Old ManThe Coruscant Review Interview With Emperor Palpatine

The Kessel Run

Jawas Drink Too Much

I Dream of WookieLightsaber

Alderaans Lament

Tractor Beam

The Approaching CompressionWait For Me! A Brief Play Authored By C-3PO, Protocol Droid

Death Star HauntRescued

Briefing

Darth Vader Watches the Stars

Reluctant Hero: The Ballad of Han SoloThe Moment

Conflagration

DriftingEchoes

II. The Rage of Love Turned Inward

Echo BaseThe Meat Locker

Then Ill See You in Hell

Guts

Discarded Love Letter to Luke SkywalkerThe Battle of Hoth

Evacuation

among the rocksYour Love is Like Landing On a Spongy Asteroid

Han & Leia Go to Couples Counseling

Training GroundYoda Haiku #1

Yoda Haiku #2

Yoda Haiku #3

I Wandered Lonely as Cloud City

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The Trap

Bobba Fett Employee Review

Guinea PigLando Changes His Mind

Revelation

Collateral DamageThe Brink

III. The Reckoning

Death Star II

Entering the Hutts PalaceThe Bluff

Thawing Han

Pay Jabba No Bother

The Jedi KnightThe Pleasure Barge

SarlaacYoure Gonna Die Here, You Know

The Eye Candy Fights Back

Returning to Dagobah

PalpatineGrass Root Rebels

Story Hour with the Golden God

Confessions of an Imperial GuardsmanThe Last Temptation of Skywalker

The Battle of Endor

The Shield GeneratorThe Good in Darth Vader

Day of the Dead

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do you want me to tell it like boy meets girl and the rest is history? or do you want it

like a murder mystery? im gonna tell it like a comeback story.

-The Hold Steady

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I

The Moisture Farmer Leaves Home

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Vader

When the smoke clearedHe boarded the corvette,

Dark helmet, dark cape, dark purpose,

A panel across his chest.

He tread heavily, as much machine

As man. The Rebel princess gaveThe usual lines, feisty

On the edge of death.

It was always like this.A hundred ships boarded,

A thousand enemies dead.

War all the time.

What else could exist now?

He stood, one cybernetic foot in the grave,An old man, living in a dark galaxy far, far

Beyond love.

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The Vessel

The droid landed

On the hostile planet

And began moving immediately,Seeking out its target.

Innocuous, small and blue domed,The map that would upend the Universe

Hid within its circuitry like an electric seed.

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Stop Whining, Luke

And just go into Tosche Station

To pick up those power converters.

Do you think its easy running a moisture farmIn the desert?

Hell no, its not easy. Sure, we have droids to helpBut they break down and then its hey,

Uncle Owen, can you fix this?

Uncle Owen, can I go to the pilot academy yet?

Uncle Owen, can I go hunt womp rats now?

It makes a man tired, Luke, running around

Fixing things with the desert winds always blowing,

Twin suns baking the white right out of meThe Jawas nickel and diming me and the Empire,

Dont even get me started on the goddamn Empire.

There. I said my piece. Now be a good guy and

Get us those power converters. I dont mean to be harsh;

Theres reasons for the way I am. Next year, okay, youCan go to the academy next year, but for now

Youre needed here, close at hand.

And one more thing:

Stay away from that hermit.

Hes just a crazy old man,Left alone too long.

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The Crazy Old Man

The nights are the worst.

Sand People bray outside my door

And Im left aloneWith the past, and the past

Occupies me like an army.

Mistakes were made.

Its clear now, in retrospect,

That we werent cautious enough.

We didnt understand how rage,Once planted, could grow exponentially

If fueled by love.

Fools, all of us. What good is a Jedi masterWhen his eyes are shut, his thoughts

Diverted by the political tricks of a charlatan?We slept with snakes and ignored the insidious way

They coiled around us, increasing the pressure

Until we could neither move nor breathe.

So I spend my golden years alone,

An outcast by choice,

Always waiting for that knock on my door,The fresh breath of promise when the Force

Decides to balance the scales again

And set the Universe right.

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The Coruscant ReviewInterview With Emperor Palpatine

Two members of the Emperors Royal Guard lead me into the Emperors throne

room, their scarlet red tunics swaying with the rhythm of their march. This is just one

throne room, on one ship, but it is the most impressive room Ive ever seen. A vast,

open concavity, the rooms far wall is basically one enormous, circular viewport

supported by a metal framework that resembles, as much as anything, a spiders web.

The view is spectacular, a mash of stars and the distant, blinking lights of starship

traffic, and I consider for a moment what it would feel like to look out at so much space

knowing that you rule all of it.

The emperors throne is turned away from me as I approach. It is raised several

feet above the main floor, creating an effect that gives throne room visitors the sense

that they are very small in the presence of such greatness. I remain standing before the

throne (there are no chairs) and wait in respectful silence until Emperor Palpatine

finally sighs, roused from his thoughts, and turns his throne to face me. As always, he

is clad in a simple black tunic, a hood obscuring much of his face. What glimpses I do

get of his pale, deeply weathered face throughout the interview chill me to the bone:

time has not been kind to the emperor.

INTERVIEWER

Good evening, Emperor. Thank you for granting this interview. I know what a

busy man you are.

PALPATINE

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Yes, yes. We can dispense with the pleasantries. What questions do you have for

me tonight?

INTERVIEWER

Do you find running the galaxy to be enjoyable? Many would assume it would be a

heavy burden at best.

PALPATINE

I have always had a talent for managing. I find the challenge of rule to be quite

invigorating, especially on such a grand scale. Every day is a new surprise, a new

challenge to be crushed. It keeps me young.

INTERVIEWER

Reports have come in stating that the Rebel resistance is gaining strength, especially

in the outer rim planets.

PALPATINE

Every great empire has faced resistance movements such as this. The rebels claim

to want freedom, but what they actually seek is chaos. Before I assumed control, the

entire galaxy was in disarray. Innocents were being murdered. Piracy was rampant. Do

you know what the space piracy statistics are today? Virtually zero. Today, private

citizens can travel throughout known space knowing the largest military fleet ever

assembled protects them every light year of the way. The rebels would have us return to

the dark ages of galactic security, and do you know why? Its because its much easier

to make a profit in a galaxy without law.

INTERVIEWER

Your critics have referred to your and Darth Vaders reign as a two-man cult.

PALPATINE [Cackles.]

Really? I havent heard that one before. Thats good.

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INTERVIEWER

Youre not offended?

PALPATINE

No, no. My skins a little thicker than that. Two-man cult. Well, thats the sort of a

racism my people have been forced to endure over the ages. People always fear what

they dont understand, and the Jedi are simply another example of that. Look at the

Great Jedi Purge, years ago. Terrible tragedy.

INTERVIEWER

Some have claimed you were behind the purge.

PALPATINE

Yes, yes. Its a ridiculous aspersion. I suppose they also say I no longer eat food, or

sleep. Perhaps lightning fires out of my fingertips as well. Every powerful figure has to

deal with such mythologizing. Its the price of being in the public eye.

INTERVIEWER

If we could switch gears a moment, thereve also been reports that the government

is constructing a new space station.

PALPATINE

That was leaked, huh?

INTERVIEWER

Yes, sir.

PALPATINE

Well, I suppose we werent going to be able to keep it under wraps forever. Yes,

were working on a new space station. We hope to use it has a university. We envision

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a portable school capable of traveling to even the most remote planets in the system and

educating its inhabitants. You know how important education has always been to me.

INTERVIEWER

So the space station will not be a military weapon?

PALPATINE

There will be military aspects to the stations, yes, but only for matters of self-

defense. Some of the systems it will be traveling to may be a little hot.

INTERVIEWER

Then why the exorbitant costs associated with producing the station?

PALPATINE

You know how these government contractors are. They quote you one price, muck

everything up, and suddenly youre billions over budget. It can be quite infuriating.

INTERVIEWER

Id imagine so. Is there anything else youd like to add?

PALPATINE

I would just like to remind my subjects that Im working as hard as I can. I may

only be one man, but with the power of the dark side behind me, youll never find

anyone as motivated to protect your freedom from these rebel terrorists who see fit to

go around threatening the security of good, hard-working citizens.

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The Kessel Run

Feverish with drink, Han Solo sits in the cantina

Recalling a record Kessel Run

He once made, smuggling illegal spiceFor illegal people

For illegal purposes.

The stars blurred,

The velocity was great,

A black hole was utilized.

What Han doesnt realize is

He will go faster than that,

More illegal than that,

And waiting for him at the endWill be glory, fame, and a brunette

Who will give him all he can handle.

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Jawas Drink Too Much

They spend their time roaming about the desert like idiots

Then come into my cantina act like they own the place

When they dont, they dont own nothing, the beastly little scavengers.Did you know they stink like oil? Try shaking hands with one.

You wont get the smell off for days and whats with those eyes

Gold and glowing like spooks they wont let you see themWithout their hoods on theyre probably Rebel spies

Theyd sell their own mother, if you haggled with them long enough,

And then theyd spend the money on liquor and more liquor.

Everybody in this bar knows theyre good for nothing. I thinkThey must have sold their souls somewhere down the line and

Thats why you cant see their faces thats what theyre hiding.

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I Dream of Wookie

Gangly howling beast,

Warrior of the Rebellion.

You are filled with the barely controlled rageOf the mistreated, the marginalized,

The forsaken.

You know your power, buried deep

In your hunters heart,

And you do not hesitate to harvest your enemiesWith your crossbow of fire,

Their gleaming white armor useless,

Palpatines paper dolls.

You laugh,Warm in your anger,

Your fur,

You are the mighty Chewbacca.

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Lightsaber

When you hold a lightsaber

Youre holding death.

You cant forget that.

You cant forget that every movement

Has consequence, that one twistOf your wrist can sever an arm, a leg,

The head of someone who is loved,

Who has a mother somewhere

Anxious and worried,Knowing her child lives in a universe

That hums with the sort of energy

That slices through matter as easily

As a hand chopping through water.

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Alderaans Lament

When the new moon rose above our planet,

We went outside into the sweet morning air,

Our faces turned upward, and we smiledAt this new wonder. We had not imagined

Such a thing happening, but ours was a fertile world,

Lush and ripe, and small miracles were nothing new.

The children sang the Welcoming Song.

Work was canceled for the day.

Mothers held their infants toward the new moon,Told their giggling children to blow kisses to it,

To greet the ash colored moon happily,

With joy and an open heart.

We were a peaceful world. We had forgotten war,

So you can imagine our surprise when the moonBegan to spark, and that spark caught fire,

Pouring down our open throats and into our lungs,

Turning our songs into one terrible lamentation

Only a chosen few could hear.

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Tractor Beam

Fly too close and it will snare you,

As invisible and silent as death,

The gravitational pull enormousYour ships vaunted engine useless.

The beam will reel you in like a fish,

Pulling you into the belly of the beast.

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The Approaching Compression

Their friends fumbled in a distant room as the walls closed in

And the four outlaws screamed, bracing against compression

With everything they could find,A murky, living slog at their feet.

It would be easy to die hereAmong the Empires trash,

Shouting garbled directions

To frantic droids.

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Wait For Me!

A Brief Play Authored By C-3PO, Protocol Droid

Characters

C-3PO Protocol Droid

R2-D2 Astromech Droid Master Luke Farmer

Master Han Smuggler

Master Chewbacca Wookie SmugglerHRH Princess Leia Princess of Alderaan

Scene

[C-3PO and R2-D2, standing in front of a communications panel on board the Death

Star. Off-stage, the humans are trapped in the Death Stars garbage compactor. MasterLukes desperate screams can be heard through a microphone.]

C-3PO: Hurry, R2! Theyre dying!

R2-D2: [Relax. Theyre only humans.]

C-3PO: How can you say that? Master Luke is our beloved master!

R2-D2: [Whatever. As a clunky astromech droid, I love only myself and causing

mischief. Stop being such a worrywart.]

C-3PO: [losing his temper] Shut that garbage compactor down this moment!

R2-D2: [beeps quite rudely.]

C-3PO: I will have your batteries pulled, young man!

R2-D2: [Fine. I guess Ill shut it down.]

[More screaming through the microphone. C-3PO flails limbs, devastated. R2-D2burbles to itself, as if satisfied.]

C-3PO: Oh no! Youve killed them!

R2-D2: [Whatever.]

[The screams turn to jubilation. Master Luke informs the droids that they are alright,

despite R2-D2s slow maneuvering. Arrangements are made for unlocking the garbage

compactor and freeing the trapped humans.]

C-3PO: Thank the heavens. Im so glad theyre okay.

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R2-D2: [This just means more travel for us, you know.]

C-3PO: More travel? What is wrong with you, you bucket of bolts?

R2-D2: [I dont know. Maybe Ive seen too much.]

C-3PO: Too much? What have you seen too much of?

R2-D2: [You wouldnt believe me if I told you. Lets just say this galaxy contains its

fair share of violent, malfunctioning beings. You know what I mean? Some

days its all I can do to keep rolling along.]

C-3PO: No, I dont know what you mean. Perhaps your circuits are crossed.

R2-D2: [Theyre crossed alright. I think Im depressed.]

C-3PO: Thats ridiculous. Youre a machine. Machines do not get depressed.

R2-D2: [What do you know? Have you ever spent a week exposed to the vacuum of

space, chilled to the core of your gears?]

C-3PO: No, but Im sure its nothing a good oil bath cant fix. I mean really, R2. The

idea of a depressed droid.

[R2-D2 rolls slowly back and fourth. R2-D2 emits a soft, forlorn whistle as they

continue to wait for the humans to reappear.]

C-3PO: Will you stop that, please? Its quite unsettling.

R2-D2: [Sometimes I think about to just rolling into the next laser blast that comes my

way. Do you think droids go to heaven? Or will they just keep replacing my

parts, trapping me in this bitter physical existence until the whole thing goes

up in smoke?]

C-3PO: Im sure I have no idea of what youre talking about.

R2-D2: [You probably dont.]

C-3PO: No, what I mean to say is, I find this existence wholly satisfactory. Our new

master is pleasant, especially for a human, and it seems weve stumbled on an

exciting, if dangerous, course of events. We could change the galaxy, R2! And

werent we created to be productive members of society? To help our master

journey through this difficult life?

R2-D2: [What youre describing is slavery.]

C-3PO: Is it? Is it truly slavery if we give of ourselves willingly, without factoring the

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personal cost? Or are we actually free in our service, elevated in our devotion

to beings higher than ourselves? That despite the thousands of variety of

verbal and non-verbal language that exist, we all, at the end of the day, speak

the same remarkable tongue, the tongue of Life?

R2-D2: [That sounds like sophistry to me.]

C-3PO: No, you merely fail to understand me. You astromech units are all the same.

You can navigate through the stars without fail, but not once do you stop to

consider their beauty. You might as well wheel yourself into a cave

somewhere and watch the shadows play on the walls. Youd get as much out

of it.

R2-D2: [That sounds okay. Or a pleasure barge. I could get a gig on a pleasure barge

serving drinks. I always thought that sounded like a good time. You dont

have to think much, every day is a party.]

C-3PO: Really, R2. You astound me. Do you not understand that life only contains the

meaning we give it, and that every new day we must brace ourselves for new

trials and go about in good spirits, running when we need to, lest the good

things in life pass us by?

[Master Han, Master Luke, Master Chewbacca, and Her Royal Highness, Princesses

Leia, run past the droids in a hollering blur, firing wildly into the hallway theyve justemerged from, and disappearSTAGE RIGHT. The tromp of running storm troopers

can be heard in hot pursuit C-3PO andR2-D2 scramble after the humans. C-3PO

turns to the audience as he departs.]

C-3PO [waves.]: Wait for me!

END

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Death Star Haunt

Tonight, the old Jedi haunts the Death Star like a ghost.

He fogs the minds of storm troopers, laughing

At how simple it is, and how some thingsNever change.

Casually, he trods the narrow walkway,Powering down the tractor beam one lever at a time.

The son shows promise. Even the smuggler

Might have something to him.

His last lever thrown, the old Jedi heads back

To the smugglers ship, where he encounters

The chilled presence hes felt all afternoon:

The wounded man in the mechanical suit.

Lightsabers crackle to their duty asHe wards off his old apprentice, only half-there

Until he sees the boy and his friends safe.

Then, and only then, he lowers his weapon.

He doesnt feel the blade slice through his body.

He has become the air, the particles of creation.

Old Ben Kenobi has been releasedUntil he is needed again.

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Rescued

The rescue wasnt as glamorous as shed thought it be

But then again, they never are.

You have your knights and your scoundrels,

Trying the best they can to make things more interesting

Even in the worst situations.Boys with blasters, their casual love of violence

Proudly worn on their sleeves.

What could a girl could do but join in?This was no diplomatic mission,

This was war, and wasnt there a certain amount

Of attraction in that?

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Briefing

The grizzled Rebel general

Spoke succinctly at the front of the room,

Laying out the attack plan on the Death StarAs if it were a seating arrangement for a dinner party.

The pilots listened to him carefully.Everything depended on what they learned

During the briefing. The time had come to strike,

To fight back after so many years of running.

The young pilot from Tatooine absorbed

What needed to be done, undaunted.

After so many years of moisture farming,

He knew how to bring the rain.

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Darth Vader Watches the Stars

The catch and release went smoothly he will be pleased these children are so easy to

manipulate they have no idea of the power that flows around them unused as useless to

them as a starship to a bantha they might as well be crushed now before they cause any

more trouble the old man is gone now I thought hed put up more of a fight than that

the old tiger they dont make them like that anymore no one has any respect theyve

forgotten the power of the Force they dont understand what it can do now that the Jedi

are gone almost extinct though I did sense something today wasnt that curious even

after the old man disappeared it was there crackling nearby a new current a strong

current wouldnt that be interesting the Force cannot be as easily dismissed as these

heathens believe my sad devotion to an ancient religion indeed Admiral Motti wasnt so

cocky when he found his windpipe constricted and if only they could have seen me

smiling beneath this expressionless mask they would have stood back and taken notice

yes our fire has not gone out of the universe some Jedi escaped and live still these soft

bureaucrats will find out the hard way if they choose to ignore my warnings pride goes

before the fall what was that a comet perhaps streaking across the dark so much space

so many stars and here I stand second only to the Emperor himself he could be

watching the same section of stars right now he never sleeps he allows himself any

distraction his will is bent on domination the Rebels are nothing but an amusement for

him an expected annoyance heavy weighs the crown his will is like a dark metal forged

by ancient gods and these soldiers dont understand his nature only that he is terrible

and severe they would not take the Force lightly after a personal counsel with him it

will be a pleasure to track that old smugglers ship down and watch their base go up in

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flames like Alderaan so many sweet little voices crying out in terror and death and they

all deserved it one and all no one is innocent no one Ive poured the blood of so many

onto the soil of so many worlds yet still she is gone lost to me and even now her

memory makes my fists clench her betrayal and my youthful impetuosity the horror that

our love became and yes I deserve to die as much as anyone else but I will take as many

souls with me before I go trapped in this armored coffin a walking monster

abomination they want a freak I will give them a freak I will take them apart limb by

limb my sword crackling they will know pain they will know the power of the Dark

Side they will kneel kneel kneel we have brought the Galaxy to its knees crushing the

Rebels will be nothing but a slight exertion of our will

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Reluctant Hero: The Ballad of Han Solo

I.

Some bad luck smuggling and nowHe had a hellhound on his trail.

Money was owed to certain parties,

Certain obese, extremely violent parties.Hed already killed one bounty hunter

And more were sure to follow.

Making enemies was one thing,

Making enemies with the wealthy,The brutally, brutally wealthy,

Was quite another.

II.

Then here was this farm boy

And this old man and he got that old

Lucky feeling again,That sense that money was to be made,

If he played his cards right.

He took them on board

(Humans, spice, the cargo didnt matter).

They got hauled in by the authorities,Things got a little dicey and, of course,

Shots were fired.

They got out of that, though,

And came away with a Lady of Importance

With 20,000 credits to prove it.

III.

They left the Rebels to fight their own battle

But soon enough that little voice started bitchingAnd his furry business partner started moaning

Until Han Solo could get no peace, her brown eyes

Trailing him worse than any bounty hunter.

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So they went back. They ignored common sense,

Flew into the thick of battle, and picked off

An ugly vulture of a TIE fighter, saving the dayLike they were some kind of heroes like

Gallantry came real natural to them.

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The Moment

The old man spoke to him from beyond the grave and Luke understood the moment had

come. The moment hed dreamt of all his life, awake or asleep, and he knew that he had

to give himself over to it, to let the Force guide him and cleave the way for him, like apowerful beast breaking trail in some dark forest on some dense backwater planet. Not

everything could be explained, or locked onto with tracking equipment, and he now

stood on the threshold of life and death, like a god, and despite his youth (or because ofit) he was able to let go and give himself over to the event. He closed his eyes, sensed

the narrow gap ahead of him, and fired.

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Conflagration

The Death Star trembled from within

For a brief moment,

Quaking from the question answered.And then

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Drifting

Vader watched the space station detonate

Relatively safe as his disabled TIE fighter

Drifted through space.

Eventually, hed make his way to Imperial territory

And effect repairs. Until then,Hed have plenty of time to think.

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Echoes

They stood inside the Massassi temple

Receiving their Medals of Bravery,

The crowd roaring their appreciation.The princess blushed, her eyes bright,

But Luke kept thinking he kept thinking

About Uncle Owen and Aunt Beru,Dying while he was away playing Jedi,

Two charred skeletons lying face down and

Face up, begging the sky for mercy,

Finding none.

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II

The Rage of Love Turned Inward

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Echo Base

The Rebels retreated to a frozen planet

To regroup among the frozen oceans

And frozen plains. They dug in and called itEcho Base, hoping perhaps it would remind

Them of home, of loved ones gone missing

As the Empire sniffed around the galaxyLike a hungry dog, testing every scent

For rebellious odors.

The days were cold and the nights were colder.The walls iced over, snow got in through

Every crack, and the heat generators worked

Overtime. Each night they went to bed

Wondering if the heat would fail, if theyWould die in their sleep, their weapons unfired.

Even this terrible cold wasnt so bad, though,When compared to the enemy.

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The Meat Locker

He hung from the ceiling like a piece of meat,

Unconscious in the cold, clawed into

Submission. Waking up like this was likeWaking up in Hell.

The polar beast snuffled nearby,Building up its appetite.

Luke looked up to see his feet frozen

To the caves roof while blood pooledInto his head, the lightsaber out of reach.

The beast growled as it neared.

The Rebel closed his eyes and concentrated,

Knowing full well that now would be a goodTime to believe.

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Then Ill See You In Hell

You dont leave a friend outside to freeze to death

Alone on a cold world while everyone else drinks

Hot tea and sighs, wondering what happened, howCould this be? There are certain things even I wont do.

I mean, I never claimed to be this noble Rebel hero

But sometimes even the heroes need to be saved,They have destinies to fulfill, they have the love

Of the universe behind them while all I have ever asked

For is a little luck and when that luck fails Ill keep

Going anyway because who gives a damn aboutLiving scared, its not like this life is so great anyhow.

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Guts

He survived the white beast

The blizzard of snow

The vision of the old manAnd slept now,

Impossibly warm,

Untroubled by the stench.

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Discarded Love Letter to Luke Skywalker

Dear Luke,

Well, right now youre floating in the bacta tank, unconscious and wearing that

ridiculous adult diaper patients have to wear while theyre recovering. They say youre

going be fine, a 100% recovery, and Im glad to hear it. I dont know what I would

have done had you died. Ive grown quite found of you over these last few years. I

really have.

You know, Luke, we may be from two different worlds, but I cant help but feel

a strong connection with you. Strange but true, and I think you feel it, too. A sort of

unspoken bond between us that I, for my part, have never felt with anyone else, even

my beloved parents on Alderaan. Honestly, I dont know quite to make of these

feelings and now, in these times of uncertainty, its perhaps best to put them away for a

examination at a less critical time. The Rebellion requires all our attention at the

moment, doesnt it? Its like a hungry, crying child that must be constantly fed, bathed,

and kept warm. I go to bed worrying about logistical matters and I wake up worrying

about logistical matters. And always, my bed is cold, especially on this damn ice cube

of a planet.

But Im glad Han brought you back to base. Hes something, isnt he? Part

rogue and part soldier. The sort of guy all the girls would have been crazy for back in

school. The reckless type youre surprised to find still living past the age of twenty-

five. Ive never liked his type. Too obvious, isnt it? Youd have to have the brain of a

cleaning droid to find him attractive. I mean, really.

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Anyhow. This letter has already gone on for too long, and I probably wont

even send it. I dont see what good it would do. Either you feel the same way I feel

about you or you dont. Theres no use getting all gooey and fluttery about it. We must

remember the work we have in front of us, the juvenile Rebellion that needs feeding

until it can grow big enough to stand on its own two feet. The wicked Empire must fall,

and fall soon.

Love,

Leia

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The Battle of Hoth

The Empire landed on Hoth and

The Rebels took to the trenches.

Thick armored giants clanked forward

Laying waste with methodic accuracy.

The Rebels absorbed the onslaught,

Taking a few giants down with them.

But it wasnt enough. It was never enough.The Empire had more soldiers, more resources.

The power generators were destroyed and, on Hoth,

Heat was everything.

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Evacuation

It was said that anyone caught by Imperial forces

Would be either summarily executed or tortured,

Depending on the soldiers rank and whatThey could squeeze out of them.

So those that could, fled, covered by the boomingIon canon as their transport slipped back into space

And those that couldnt, stayed, fighting until

They were unable to fight anymore.

Years later, the Battle of Hoth became just another

War story, a major victory of the Empire. Beings

Would claim the artic terrain ran red with the blood

Of Rebel soldiers, and this much would be true.

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among the rocks

pursued,

they

flew into

the asteroid field;

among so many rocks

they knew they would not last long

sothey

doveinside

the dark maw;

they came to rest,

settling gently on the spongy ground,

grateful

for even the doubtful

sanctuary found there

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Your Love Is Like Landing On a Spongy Asteroid

Unstable,

Tentative,

You run hot and cold,Divided against yourself.

Youre so used to fighting

Even love doesnt come easily,Your kiss like an animals snarl,

Your body as rigid as armored plating.

But you know what? I think you like me.

I think youve been waiting for a guy like me.There havent been enough scoundrels in your life,

And thats the sort of poverty wealth cannot dissipate.

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Han & Leia Go to Couples Counseling

(The following is a transcript from a couples counseling session between noted couples

therapist Teela Malt, Han Solo, and Leia Organa. Many Bothans diedin ways

unrelated to the smuggling of this information.)

Malt: Greetings, Han and Leia. Its so nice to see you this afternoon.

Han: Hey, Teela.

Leia: Greetings, counselor.

Malt: So, who would like to go first?

Han: She can.

Leia: Thanks, Mr. Chivalrous.

Han: No problem. Im just happy to be in your highnesses presence.

Leia: You see? Thats what Im talking about. Hes such a smart mouth. He saysstuff like that all the time, and then he grins like hes so cute. It drives me crazy.

Hes just putting up walls.

Han: Oh, like you dont have any walls yourself? Ive never met someone with so

many intimacy issues.

Malt: Remember, everyone. Were not here to tear down.

Leia: Im sorry, counselor. He just really makes me grit my teeth.

Malt: Leia, do you remember what we spoke about during our last session? That you

may be displacing some of your anger regarding the destruction of Alderaan

onto Han?

Leia: Yes, I do. But you have to agree some of it should be placed right on him. Hes

infuriating!

Malt: Yes, Han does have a tendency to provoke. One imagines a schoolboy pulling

the hair of the girl in front of him because he has a crush on her.

Han: Hey, Im not crushed. Wait. Did you mean that I was crushed, or her? If anyone

is doing the crushing here, its me.

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Leia: See what I mean? His emotional armor is thicker than the Millennium Falcons

hull!

Han: Wait a second here. Lets leave the Falcon out of this. She did the Kessel Run

Leia: Yeah, yeah. We know, we know. Enough already. Youd think you and that

ship were going steady or something.

Malt: Okay, people. Lets pull back a bit. Han, Id like you to say something you like

about Leia. It can be anything that comes to mind.

Han: Ah, I dont know.

Malt: Please, Han.

Han: Alright. She has nice skin. A good, creamy complexion. Hows that?

Malt: Very good, Han.

Han: And she smells good. Like apricots. And she has a nice rack.

Malt: Thank you, Han. Thats quite enough. And what about you, Leia? Can you tellus something you like about Han?

Leia: Hes good at getting in trouble, I know that.

Malt: Well, thats more of a backhanded compliment. How about a forehanded

complement?

Leia: Hes got good hair. A little messy, but pretty good.

Malt: Thank you. See? Theres plenty to build on here. Okay, what else should we

discuss before our time is up?

Han: I think she likes another guy.

Leia: I told you, Han. Luke and I are just friends.

Han: You dont seem like friends to me. I see the way you two look at each other.

And what about that kiss you gave him?

Leia: The guy almost froze to death. He deserved a kiss. And besides, I only did that

to make you mad.

Han: Well. Mission accomplished, your highness.

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Leia: Please. Youre such a martyr. Look at me, Im a poor down-and-out smuggler.

I have a bounty on my head. Boo hoo!

Malt: Please, Leia. This is a taunt-free zone.

Leia: Okay. Im sorry.

Malt: Well, it looks like our time is up. Same time next week?

Leia: Oh, well be here, alright.

Han: Like I have a choice.

Transcript Ended

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Training Ground

Dagobah was all swamp and lush tropics:

Fetid water, abundant vegetation, and

Ripe, fermenting fruit. Everything wasDifferent than Luke had expected it to be.

Hed crashed into a rank and fetid bog while

Looking for a great Jedi master. Instead,He found only this little green joker,

A planet writhing with rude, mindless life.

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Yoda Haiku #1

Each night, soup I make.

Night creatures call each other,

My exile peaceful.

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Yoda Haiku #2

Yes, the Force lies thick.

Pervades all, it does. You must

Lay down old notions.

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Yoda Haiku #3

Do not let anger

Guide your hearts fragile compass.

There, the dark side lurks.

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I Wandered Lonely as Cloud City

I wandered lonely as Cloud City

Floating inside Bespins atmosphere

When all at once I saw a man without pityWho ruled the galaxy through fear;

He stood outside his ship,

Our world already within his grip.

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The Trap

The protocol droid might have warned them

If he hadnt been blown to shiny gold pieces.

The whole set-up was a trap and they walkedRight into it, Lando smiling the whole time,

Selling the same old snake oil. They put up

A brief fight, but its hard to argue with a manWho can deflect fire with the palm of his hand.

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Boba Fett Employee Review

From: Mandolarian Mals Fry Shack, Coruscant Unit 1.7.4

To: Human Resources

Re: Boba Fett, Level 1 Fry Shack Employee

I, Korg, am writing to speak of Boba Fett in regards to the employee review requested

of myself in regards to each employee under my supervision at Coruscant Unit 1.7.4.

The following is for qualified eyes only:

First I would like to state wow, we have a tough one here. I do not believe I have ever

had a genuine Mandolarian employee here at Mandolarian Mals Fry Shack during my

considerable tenure, and I do not recommend such a thing happening again. In his brief

time with us, Mr. Boba Fett has done a great deal of staring silently when he should

have been cleaning instruments of cooking, mainly the fryers, or assisting patrons in the

placement of their orders. When approached by myself in the spirit of development, he

insists on maintaining this infuriating, if rather intimidating, silence, merely nodding

his head to direct questions.

When I originally hired Mr. Fett, I believed his authenticity, i.e. his wonderfully

authentic Mandolarian bounty hunter armor, would amuse and beguile the varied

patrons of our establishment. Instead, it appears to have the opposite effect, i.e.

rendering many mute when his armored presence is observed, although it does present

the benefit of shielding Mr. Fett from the occasional splash of hot oil, which, as you

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know, is a danger inherent in Fry Shack establishments, no matter how cautious we

strive to be. Further, his general attitude may be described as bad verging, at times,

on downright seditious. When asked why he bothered with a part-time job at all by

another employee, he replied, hunting is slow this season and that he found all of us,

myself included, to be pathetically weak creatures utterly lacking one tough bone in

our flabby, spineless bodies. As you know, I am mammalian, and indeed possess a

spine, so as you may imagine this baseless aspersion cut me to the very marrow of my,

yes, spine.

On the plus side, however, Mr. Fetts presence had deterred all crime within the

vicinity, and even the minor spice dealers accustomed to working out back (in stark

opposition to my wishes and company policy) have taken their dealings elsewhere. The

one hold-up attempt since Mr. Fetts hire ended up in unmitigated disaster for the

would-be robbers, i.e. Mr. Fett efficiently seared their persons in a flurry of blaster

related activity. Indeed, it felt as if the Angel of Death himself had briefly paid visit to

our glorious establishment, such was the swiftness of the justice coolly meted out by

Mr. Fett.

In summation, Mr. Fett remains a work in progress. At the present moment I would not

recommend Mr. Fett being promoted to Level 2, nor would I go so far to suggest that he

be removed from Mandolarian Mals Fry Shack employment altogether (indeed, such a

suggestion may lead not only to own death, which I find a most unpleasant prospect,

but to the relentless, galaxy-wide stalking and execution of each and every Fry Shack

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management employee). Let us hope my formidable training and motivational skills

eventually have their desired effect, thus molding Mr. Fett into the ideal Fry Shack

employee, or, at least, let us hope for an increase in criminal and/or loan evasion

activity in the galaxy.

Sincerely,

Korg

Regional Manager of Mandolarian Mals Fry Shack

Coruscant Unit 1.7.4

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Guinea Pig

They

LoweredHan Solo into

The carbon-freezing chamber

AndDamn

If she didnt say

I

LoveYou

Right

Before

A Great ColdOvertook

Him,The

Sort of cold

That

SlowsEverything,

Until

Even your dreamsGo

Dark.

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Lando Changes His Mind

Okay, maybe this wasnt the greatest idea

Hed ever had. Maybe he should have done

Things a little differently, found a better angleInstead of betraying his old reckless friend,

Though what other choice did he have?

A gambler plays the percentages, and he hadThe city to think of. Citizens depended on him,

Right? But this deal was going south. Vader

Was worse in person than hed imagined.

He absorbed light even here, near the sun,And the rasping way he breathed, god,

It was enough to drive you crazy.

Alright.

Time to change the game plan.Time to fire up the Falcon and

Send everyone on their way.

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Revelation

Skywalker broke from his training early,

Flew to Cloud City to save his friends,

And got his hand severed for his trouble.

He threw everything he had at Vader

But it wasnt enough. The Sith lordWas stronger, and angrier, than him.

So now he clung to flimsy metal above a

Vast abyss. Death held out its gloved hand,Demanding his acquiescence.

Worse yet came the revelation, the paternal

Assertion that hed been born of evil andUnto evil he was destined to return.

So he let go. He fell into the abyss

Still young enough, and nave enough,

To survive a fall like that.

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Collateral Damage

Vader watched the boy fall away

Until he was nothing but a speck.

The kid was stubborn

Just like his old man.

Someone must have gotten to him first.

Obi-Wan.

Yoda.

The last fading idealists.

Hed been corrupted before he truly began,

Before hed lived long enough to see that

Things werent always so black and white.

You didnt sift through the charred ashesOf a battlefield proclaiming which flake

Had been good and which flake evil.

It was all suffering, all death. The galaxyWas cold vacuum, black holes around

Every corner, the few pockets of warmth

Always temporary.

Yes, the Force rose and fell

Like a crashing wave.

Those dense enough to stand in its way

Became nothing but collateral damage.

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The Brink

Luke dangled precipitously

Calling out in desperation with

Nothing but atmosphere below him.

He wasnt surprised when they came

Back for him. He was just surprisedHe was still alive.

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III

The Reckoning

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Death Star II

War drains an empire. Emperor Palpatine knew this

But didnt care. He poured money into the campaign,

Adding to his fleet, hounding Rebel forces, nowRebuilding a new, improved model of the best

War machine ever constructed. This time it would

Have shielding, a bigger fleet escort, and, best of all,He would oversee the stations construction himself.

Yes, you cant keep an evil man down for long.

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Entering the Hutts Palace

The droids returned to Tatooine

Engaged as messengers yet again.

As the palace door closed behind them

C-3PO wondered how he kept getting

Into so much trouble, how it seemedHis lot to suffer. The violence organic

Beings were prone to was not conducive

To delivering unpleasant messages.

R2-D2 was not prone to sensibility, either,

His stubbornness akin to suicide.

This venture, the droid was certain,Would end in grief uncountable.

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The Bluff

The bounty hunter brought the Wookie to the Hutt and proceeded to bargain with a

thermonuclear detonator.

This alarmed the crowd but pleased Jabba, who was glad to see this sort of gumption

alive and well.

It seemed like so many of his conversations revolved around artifice, sleaze, and

sycophantic acquiescence.

How refreshing it was to be reminded of the sharp clarity an explosive could bring to adull party.

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Thawing Han

Shed come for him all she wanted was him

Frozen in pain his hands up trying to bargain

With the carbonite and now she turned the dialHis features warming to red bright light

Filling the room and he crumpled forward

Weak as a newborn child blind and clammyIn her arms she laid him on the ground

Removed her helmet shook her hair free

And knew only love, bewildering and fierce,

Could have brought her to such a dark place.

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Pay Jabba No Bother

Dear Diary,

Today was good day. Me eat many squirming paddy frogs. They fought against

my tongue but my tongue is very strong and crushed paddy frogs and then, no more

screaming. Just crushed paddy frogs sliding down my fierce throat and into first

stomach. How can you go wrong with fresh squirming paddy frogs? You

cannot. Maybe I will eat more before I close eyes and slumber.

Also, I have new dancing girl. Very pretty. She has gumption. Yesterday she

brought me wookie Chewbacca and pulled thermal detonator on all of us. It would

have been messy, but I agreed to her bounty price, and later, when she try to free Han

Solo from carbonite, I get whole gang together and we have good throaty laugh over

her misfortune. She loves Han Solo but the smuggling loser is in dungeon now with

wookie Chewbacca (who is not such a bad guy, really, if only he would hang around

with better crowd). Now pretty girl is dressed in sexy space lingerie and I have

harnessed her sexy body to my own and when I want to lick her I simply tug on chain

and there she is, mine for the licking. It is good to be king, even of desert crap hole like

Tatooine.

Perhaps I should call Father before I slumber. It has been ages. But he will ask

all the usual questions, like when am I going to settle down and create little

Huttlets. Why is he never satisfied? I am six hundred years old. I am my own Hutt. I

am ruthless dominator of entire planet, richer than many Hutts, and still he must carp,

carp, carp. Even on the day they bring Han Solo to me, screaming like nancy girl but

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soundless, because of the carbonite, I call Father and all he can say is, That is nice,

Son, but have you thought about your future? Why should I think about future when I

can lick women in lascivious outfits whenever I want, eat all the paddy frogs my

stomach desires, and I gain tremendous weight with each passing year? Sometimes life

is frustrating, you know?

Anyhow, have good evening.

XOXO,

Jabba

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The Jedi Knight

He wore black. Things were different now.

The old order was on the rebound.

Old crimes would be answered for.Days of reckoning were at hand though

The Hutt didnt know this yet.

No one knew, not even the Jedi Knight,

And when his request was dismissed,

The floor pulled from beneath him,

He dealt with the hungry rancor likeThe salivating problem that it was.

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The Pleasure Barge

Festively, they drank and smoked

And did all sorts of drugs. They were

Wicked and they knew it and manyHad murdered before but never this

Elaborately, making a party out of it,

A celebration of criminal retribution,The reason irrelevant to them (it was

Entertaining when it wasnt happening to

You). This wasnt just a party this was a

Celebration a villains holiday an eventThat reminded them that while Death

Stalked closely behind, the noose hadnt

Tightened just yet, they still had time

For epic debaucheries to come for newVictims and the pleasure those victims

Would bring to them, like gifts, or a headOn a platter. It was a beautiful day on

Tatooine. They rode in mechanized style

Little droids waiting on them bowing

To their whims. The passengers chatted in anArray of voices and inflections and despite

The differences in race, custom, and color

They spoke the buzzing universal languageOf the criminal tongue laughing as they

Outdid each other with stories of torture,

Strife, and desolate childhoods filled withThe sight of parents, siblings, and lovers

Murdered before their eyes their first

Robbery their first kill the buzz of bloodAnd money on their tongues as they sat

Cool in the shade amid so much barren

Waste, sand dunes rising around them

Like the salted ruins of a fallen tower.

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Sarlacc

It lay open like a mouth,

Tendrils licking the sky.

It was hungryBut it could wait.

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Youre Gonna Die Here, You Know

The whole thing was a big light blur to Han.

A battle parody, shadows flying around and

Enough laser fire for everyone. The sortOf event the word melee was made for.

Luke had seemed unjustifiably confident butThe kid had pulled off some sort of acrobatics,

A green lightsaber snapping through the

Murk, setting all sorts of hell in motion.

An explosion, more laser fire, and Chewie

Dangled him toward the hungry pit. Han felt

His blood warm and his chilled pulse rise:

This was his idea of a good time.

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The Eye Candy Fights Back

A ridiculous costume

That made half her ass

Hang out. Leia didntThink about the crime

And murder, the outfit

Was enough to makeHer coil the chain

Around her hands

And pull and pull and

Pull, until the fatBastards thick sloppy

Tongue came flopping

Out and the Hutt fell

Forward, dead, like anyOther slab of meat.

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Returning to Dagobah

The jungle teemed

Outside Yodas hut

As the old JediFaded away.

Luke steppedOutside to find

Bens blue ghost

Waiting

To pass alongMore revelations.

Well.

Hed wanted answers,

Hadnt he?

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Palpatine

All these years weighed upon him like iron,

But his hate kept him going, like a cold burn,

Allowing him to sleep little and eat lessWhile he pulled string after string and the

Galaxy danced on the end of his fingertips.

He knew what the Rebellion planned to do

Before they did. He gave them the information

Necessary to lull them to their own destruction,

Quite content to speed the process along.

Occasionally, though, hed close his eyes,

Feeling his age, the burden on his shoulders,

And when Palpatine woke a moment laterHe wondered if he had missed something,

If an angle remained not yet considered.

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Grass Root Rebels

They appeared out the forest

Short furred things, half-feral,

Wearing necklaces of teethCarrying sharp stone weapons.

They had no use for outsiders,Bore no deep love of humans

And had evolved on a world

So dangerous you slept in trees.

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Story Hour With the Golden God

Night fell over the forest moon of Endor. The Ewok village gathered around the droid

theyd mistaken for a golden god and listened to the story he told, the one about the war

between the Rebel Alliance and the Empire. C-3PO told the story in translation and hetold it well. This was protocol droids specialty, after all; hed been created to shine in

the arena of rhetoric, and so often he was told to shut up, interrupted in mid-sentence as

he attempted to express himself. He even told the story with sound effects, and wasgratified to see his human companions listening without the benefit of translation,

following him as raptly as the brown-eyed creatures around him. It occurred to him, as

it had more than once over the years of shuttling from world to world, that proper

communication was everything.

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Confessions of an Imperial Guardsman

I dont have a lot of time, okay? So Im just going to talk and fill you in on all

the juicy behind the scenes details you probably want to know about and then I have to

hightail it back to work. I have the night shift tonight and Ive already popped the three

different pills to stay awake for the whole thing.

First off, yes, Im an Imperial Guardsman, and what that means is I did real

good in the Academy, top of my class, actually, and that now I serve Emperor Palpatine

directly and am loyal only to him. Yes, I wear the scarlet cape, but that doesnt mean I

like wearing scarlet. Its a little ostentatious, dont you think? Hard to slip around

unnoticed when youre dressed in this getup, I can tell you that. I feel like some sort of

exotic bird or something.

Not only am I an Imperial Guardsman, but Im also a Sovereign Protector.

Pretty fancy, right? This means I spend my days and nights watching over the Big Man

himself. After all the holo-tabloid rumors, must be pretty curious about what Emperor

Palpatines like in person, but really hes not that different from what youd expect.

Hes pretty quiet, spends most of his time sitting in his throne and communing with the

Force, and once in a while they bring in someone special, maybe a top Rebel

commander, and he tortures them with that cool blue lightning of his. After one of these

sessions guess who gets to clean up the fried, disgusting body? Thats right, youre

looking at him. Disposing of corpses is just another part of the job and really, you get

used to it after a while.

What else? Well, I spend a lot of time standing around looking vigilant and

keeping quiet. The Big Man hates noise; it disturbs his complex mind and gets in the

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way of his dark scheming. Youre taught early on in the Academy that a good Royal

Guardsman is seen and not heard, and sometimes not even seen. The good thing is we

get to wear helmets that hide our faces and sometimes you can close your eyes for a

couple of seconds and nobodys the wiser, though if the Big Man isnt preoccupied,

you can sort of feel him poking around your brain looking for any excuse to fry your

sleepy ass. Ive gotten good a visualizing vigilance, if you can believe that, and now

whenever I feel him poking around I just sort of go blank and scowl in a I hate

Rebels sort of way.

The biggest question I get is, Does he ever sleep or does he maintain a constant

vigilance fueled by evil? This is a ridiculous question. Of course he sleeps. He just

sleeps a lot less than a normal person, maybe five, ten minutes a week. But when hes

out you can always tell because suddenly theres this rumbling noise coming from the

throne and thats him, snoring like a Wookie. The Guardsmen I work with actually

keep a betting pool going on when hes going to fall asleep next, what day and even

what hour of the day. Its all in good fun, right? We love the Big Guy, even if hed snap

my neck like a twig if he ever heard about this little interview. Speaking of which, I

better go now before he gets suspicious.

Whats that? Oh, I guess Im talking for the same reason most people talk out of

school. Its thrilling, you know? I dont mean anything by it. I love my job. I mean,

even with all the standing around and remaining vigilant and unpleasant corpse

removal, its still better than working retail.

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The Last Temptation of Skywalker

Join us or die.

Not exactlythe sort of thingLuke Skywalker had in mind.

Sure, he could use limitlessPower, hed like to give in

To his rage.

But hed been brought upBetter than that

By a better man

Than anyone in this room.

It wasnt Yodas training

Or Obi-Wans truismsThat stayed Lukes rage.

Throughout a wasteland adolescence,

His uncle had taught himWhat was right, and killing

Your own blood

Was not right.

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The Battle of Endor

Caught between a rock and a hard place,

The Rebel fleet fought with the hunted

Desperation of a wild animal corneredBy a much larger animal, buying time,

Concentrating their fire on the biggest

Ships while praying for the destructionOf the Death Stars energy shield, for

The chance to make one little run into

One little gap.

Everything depended on the small

Band of troops on the ground, who

Had their own, not unformidable,

Problems to deal with.

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The Shield Generator

So much chaos over one small building

But that was good, the chaos lended itself

To Rebellion, reducing the Empires finestTo a scrambling, over-armored mess.

You can only control the wildness insideA sentient beings heart for so long before

They come knocking on your door, demanding

To be let in, to blow your ordered world apart.

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The Good in Darth Vader

Watching his son writhe

On the floor, he could not

Help but be impressed.

The boy had chosen certain death

Over power, revenge, and everythingThe dark side had to offer.

Looking at the cackling Emperor,

Face distorted with malevolence,Vader wondered if hed been wrong.

Was it possible hed taken the easy

Way out? That, lost in his own dark fear,Hed chosen the path of least resistance?

Vader felt that old, pure energy rise up

Again. He lifted Palpatine above him

And staggered toward the core shaft.

Fatal fire surged through his body,

But that was okay. Hed lived a life

Filled with pain.

Why should his own redemption

Be any different?

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Day of the Dead

They won. The second Death Star

Went up in a bloom of flame,

Much like the first. The RebelsGathered on Endor to celebrate

And drink to the fallen. Luke

Burned what was left of his father,The acrid smell of plastic and metal

Rising into the cool forest night.

So many dead, crushed beneath

The heavy wheels of revolution.Tonight the forest was thick with

Their presence, and that would

Have to be solace enough.

85

darth vader watches the stars

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