cvu buddy program - champlain valley union high school - home

CVU BUDDY

PROGRAM With

Allen Brook School

Charlotte Central School Hinesburg Community School Shelburne Community School

Williston Central School

BUDDY TRAINING

CVU BUDDY Training MA Gatos Sept 06

Information for the Buddy Program with schedule of activities is on the Buddy web page. Students are expected to regularly check their CVU email for information

about Buddy: calendar changes, ideas, reflection dates.

CVU Buddy Training MA Gatos Sept 06

Contents

1. Overview of CVU BUDDY Program a. Introduction - History of Mentoring b. Information about BUDDY Program c. Benefits of a Mentoring Program d. BUDDY Program Requirements

2. Specific School Information (varies by school)

a. School information / Who to Call b. Calendar Task c. BUDDY Volunteer Guidelines

3. Confidentiality Policy for BUDDIES 4. Your Role as a BUDDY and Mentor

a. M-E-N-T-O-R b. People Helping People c. To Be a Role Model / Be the Best You Can Be d. A Mentor Is… e. Key Qualities of a Good Mentor f. Qualities of Successful Mentors g. Effective Mentoring Guidelines

5. Remind Me About being a Little Kid

a. Remember… b. Developmental Growth Patterns c. Four Conditions that Affect Self-Esteem

7. Communication Skills

a. Mentoring Communication Cycle b. Decision-Making and Problem-Solving Skills c. Conflict Resolution d. Helpful Communication Skills

Active Listening “I” Messages Paraphrasing Open-ended Questions

e. Examples of Roadblocks to Effective Communication


Contents continued…

8. Getting Started a. Activities – suggestions to be generated by self and peers

9. Navigating Rough Spots

a. “What If…” Scenarios 10. Additional Resources 11. Starfish Flinger Poem

THANK YOU FOR BEING HERE!


Introduction ___________________________________________________________________ HISTORY OF MENTORING Greek poet Homer coined the word in the Odyssey. Mentor became the guardian and tutor of his son while he was away. In Europe, mentoring has always been an integral part of apprenticeships. In 1904, Ernest Coulter began Big Brother/Big Sisters for 39 big brothers. The 1970s and early 1980s began the incarnation of corporate mentoring. The cover of the Harvard Business Review said “Everyone Who Makes It Has a Mentor.” In 1980, Eugene Lang returned to East Harlem and challenged sixth graders to stay in school and go to college. It was the start of “I Have a Dream Foundation.” In 1989, the Education Commission of the States listed mentoring as 1 of 5 short-term imperatives for reversing high school dropout trends. In 1992, the Vermont Initiative for Mentoring began at the Vermont Chamber of Commerce Business Education Partnership. Three schools began mentoring programs. In 1994, School-to-Work Opportunities Act provided students with work-based learning opportunities to connect academics with real-world experiences. Students were paired with a mentor for guidance and support. In 1997, President Clinton, Colin Powell, and all living presidents gathered for “Summit for America’s Future, now known as “America’s Promise”. Resource 1: “On-going relationships with caring adults.” In 1999/2000, “YES” Mentoring Program begins at Williston Central School with 10 mentors/mentees. In 2004, Connecting Youth of Chittenden South Supervisory Union expands its mentoring to programs in Charlotte, Hinesburg, and Shelburne.


CVU Buddy Program

A full-year or semester-only program for sophomores, juniors & seniors

After your academics, being a Buddy needs to be your top priority. Young students begin to depend on seeing you on a regular, consistent basis.

Your reliable friendship, care, and kindness can make a difference to a young child.

What is the Buddy Program? Buddies work one-on-one with a kindergarten through fourth graders at one of the local elementary schools in a classroom setting. Together, typically, they spend time playing a game, reading a book, talking, helping with class work, or getting to know one another. Big Buddies provide a role model for little buddies and give them the supplemental attention that can make a difference in their school day.

The classroom teacher supervises Buddy activities and offers guidance. CVU trains all students accepted into the program, and offers support and transportation throughout the year.

You may note which school, preferred age of the student and whether you prefer to work with a young boy or girl on the attached DUO application. We will do our best to accommodate your preferences. Transportation needs may limit the school to which you can go. When and where do I go? The program offers transportation on Mondays - Thursdays. Most Buddies go to the elementary school twice a week, Monday/Wednesday one week and Tuesday/Thursday the next, during a free block. You will spend about one hour each session with the student. Participating elementary schools are in Shelburne, Charlotte, Williston and Hinesburg. Your placement will depend on transportation needs. You must have a full free block to participate in this program. It is best to have 1st, 2nd or 3rd block free, but 4th can work as well. We will only transport students to Hinesburg during 4th block due to the shorter school day at elementary schools. Are there any special activities during the year? We have two group activities during the year. Here at CVU, we hold a mid-year celebration in December and an end-of-year celebration in May. Buses bring the little buddies here for games, crafts, and food. It’s a great time to just have fun with your young BUDDY. You may receive extra hours for helping to plan these events. How do I apply to be a Buddy? See MaryAnne Gatos in the Direction Center for a brief interview and a DUO/Buddy Application Form. This form must be signed by you, your parent, and your advisor. Buddy training is held in September. One is not accepted into the BUDDY Program until after training.

What are the requirements for being accepted into the program? Successful completion of an interview and participation in an evening training session is required in order to be matched with a young student. Then, you will meet the classroom teacher to learn about your little Buddy. An evening training session is held here at CVU in September. Notice will be put in the Announcements.

Questions? See MaryAnne in the Direction Center 482-7195


BENEFITS OF A MENTORING PROGRAM Little kids benefit by…

Having fun with an older Buddy, like a big brother or big sister Receiving support and guidance from someone who cares Receiving some help with schoolwork Experiencing greater self-esteem and motivation to do well Receiving encouragement to pay attention in school Improving relationships with teachers, family, and other kids

As a result, little kids…

Feel good about themselves. Have someone who will listen to them Gain through the experiences of someone older Are supported to find their own answers to solve problems Make a new friend

High school students benefit by… Increasing their involvement in the community Recognizing they can make a difference Making a new friend Gaining new experience and knowledge about youth and the community’s school Contributing to the quality of the future workforce Satisfying sense of contribution by helping another

As a result, high school students.… Gain satisfaction from helping others Meet new people Make a difference in someone’s life Learn something new Provide an opportunity for someone else Feel pride Escape from routine Accept a challenge Gain status Have fun Use free time well Feel good Ensure positive change


Some Signs of Success for children receiving additional attention include:

Improved attendance Improved eye contact Increased communication Taking more positive risks Smiling and showing more enthusiasm Improved interaction with peers Improved appearance Improved self-esteem Fewer trips to principal’s office, nurse’s, or for guidance and discipline Improved attitude Paying more attention Improved attitudes toward completing schoolwork Improved social skills Improved social skills


School Information Each elementary school in Chittenden South Supervisory Union has its own policies and procedures. High school students in the CVU Buddy Program must abide by the rules of both the high school and the elementary school.

For example, although baseball hats are allowed to be worn at CVU, some of the elementary schools do not allow this. It is expected that the CVU student will respect those differences and abide by the elementary school rules. CVU students are expected to dress appropriately for the elementary school. All computers and ipods, etc. are not allowed into the elementary schools. Write below the school information you need: School Phone number _____________________________________________________ Contact person in case of absence or tardiness __________________________________ Teacher’s Name __________________________________________________________ How to get a message to the teacher___________________________________________ Student’s Name___________________________________________________________ Time for arrival and departure _______________________________________________ In case of emergency: call MaryAnne Gatos, Buddy Program Coordinator, CVU Direction Center

482-7195 office 482-7137 Direction Center 425-2197 home, in case of notification of absence


Calendar Task

Elementary School Calendars are similar but not exactly the same as CVU’s. First - meet with the teacher of your little buddy and using the DUO Calendar, jot down which days the elementary school is NOT in session. Second - tell the teacher to jot down days that CVU is not in session (in-service, half-days that impact our block schedule, red/white combo days, exam week, etc.). This is really important so that the young child you meet with regularly is not looking forward to your visit and then soulfully disappointed when you do not appear. Think: crestfallen. Third – remind your young buddy when you will be coming next, as well as, if you are missing a time because of school schedules. Note: Any other absence must be excused. Please remember that even though young children may not show it readily, and many will, your unexcused absence can have quite an impact on their spirit for the day. In Case of Absence Call the elementary school main office and leave a message for the teacher. Tell the office administrator who you are, that you are with the CVU Buddy Program, and that you are expected at school but will not be able to make it. Tell her the teacher’s name and which grade/class. She will get a message to the teacher. NOTE: Little kids can be very disappointed and despondent if you cancel. If you must, try to give as much warning as possible. Unexcused absences can not be tolerated for the sake of the child. School Cancellations Listen to radio or television early in the morning For Issues and Concerns

MaryAnne Gatos, Buddy Program Coordinator at 482-7195 [email protected]

Your little buddy’s teachers

For Problems Requiring Immediate Attention in School Your little buddy’s teacher, guidance counselor, or principal


CVU BUDDY Program Volunteer Guidelines

For safety reasons (and for your own protection), please follow these guidelines: Follow school rules at all times. When in doubt, follow rules of both CVU and the

elementary school (Also see Program Requirements) Stay in designated areas where you are potentially in view of staff.

Communicate with your student and teacher through MaryAnne Gatos, BUDDY Program

Coordinator via phone (482-7195) or email ([email protected]), when an absence is expected and there is due warning. In the event she cannot be reached in a timely manner, and the absence is sudden, please call the elementary school receptionist and ask to get a message immediately to the teacher so the teacher can convey to your little buddy your absence.

Limit physical contact to holding a hand, giving a soft pat on the back, or the sharing of a

hug in full view of other school officials. Always respect the confidentiality guidelines (see enclosed Confidentiality Agreement).

To allow school folks to know exactly who is in the building in case of some kind of

emergency, CVU students coming from outside the school need to check in with the school’s front office each time you visit the school. Please sign the visitor book in the front office and obtain a visitor pass.

When you are on school property, please always wear your Visitor pass so it is clearly

visible to others. If you have any questions about these guidelines, please bring them to the attention of the

BUDDY Program Coordinator, MaryAnne Gatos.


Confidentiality “…shhh. It’s a secret.”

Confidentiality Policy for CVU Buddies

All conversation and actions that take place with our little buddy should be held confidential, EXCEPT IN THE SITUATIONS OUTLINED BELOW. Because of these exceptions, you are not in a position to make a promise to a student that you will keep confidential information secret. Tell the student that they are free to share secrets with you; however, there are certain things that you are required by school policy to tell the school guidance counselor for the welfare of the student. (See section 6 of the 2004-05 Charlotte Central School Handbook, Code F10, page 73 regarding reporting suspected child abuse or neglect, enclosed herein). These exceptions are:

A student is threatening to harm himself/herself A student is physically, emotionally, or sexually being harmed

A student is threatening to harm or is harming someone else

If an elementary school student tells you something that suggests harm to him/herself or to another student, you must be careful to tell his /her teacher. Should the teacher not be available, please contact the guidance counselor or MaryAnne Gatos, once back at CVU.

Often information shared by a young child is very personal and capable of damaging lives, so DO NOT share it with anyone except the school guidance counselor or Buddy Program coordinator. Sometimes young students tell tall tales and other times, they find opportunities to share personal information. It is not your role to decide which it is. Please do not share it with anyone. This includes your best friend!


EXAMPLE OF A SCHOOL’S CONFIDENTIALITY STATEMENT The Charlotte Central School faculty, staff, substitutes, parent/student/community volunteers, and student interns will communicate information about students only with school professionals who are directly responsible for the student. We will hold in the strictest confidence the names and any personally identifiable information about students and families when in conversation with others. We understand the concepts of confidentiality and will practice these concepts in our involvement with students, parents, staff, professionals, mentors, and members of the community. We will exercise appropriate discretion and sensitivity as required within this community. If anyone is concerned about any specific matter regarding confidentiality or ethics, please speak to the principal, Monica Smith. Concepts of Confidentiality Confidentiality is the quality or state of being confidential, private or secret. The Family Educational Rights and Privacy Act legally entitles all students (and their parents) to confidentiality regarding all school and family information – including but not limited to, student age, parents, home address, home number, personal identifiers (social security number, student number, etc.), personal characteristics that would make the student’s identity known, academic progress and assessments, social, emotional, and behavioral needs, etc. Information may only be shared with persons employed by the school (unless authorized by the parents) AND on a “need to know” basis. This would include individuals where the information shared would directly benefit the child’s academic, social, emotional, or behavioral success. What this means for all Mentors, Parent Volunteers, Interns, Substitutes and Community Members is… Every student and his/her family has a legal right to privacy. Everyone needs to maintain confidentiality at all times (inside and outside of school) We cannot legally share any information we learn, or might know, about a student or family unless it is to a school employee who has a “need to know”, that is, whose degree of success and effectiveness in interactions with the student or family depend on it. I f someone has questions about confidentiality, they should direct them to either the

Buddy Program Coordinator, the teacher or the elementary school guidance

counselor.


Your Role as a Mentor

“The true mentor fosters the young person’s development by believing in

him, sharing a dream and giving it his blessing, and helping to define the

newly emerging self in its newly discovered world.”

THE SEASONS OF A MAN’S LIFE by Daniel Levinson 1978


M E N T O R B U D D Y M anages B E ncourages U N urtures D T eaches D O rganizes Y R esponds

PEOPLE HELPING PEOPLE We all have basic needs for:

Affection Attention Approval Reinforcement Belonging Security

There are two methods of aid, assistance that one provides to another to help out.

o Socio-emotional aid – Affection Sympathy Understanding Acceptance Respect Esteem

o Instrumental aid – Advice Information Help with Organization Skills Responsibilities


TO BE A MENTOR IS TO BE A ROLE-MODEL:

BE THE BEST YOU CAN BE

Mentoring is a relationship in which a more experienced person facilitates the broad development of a less experienced person on a regular basis over an extended period of time. There are a multitude of simple practices and behaviors that make a difference and set a good example for developing youth. It is therefore important to:

Keep promises Promote positive behavior and a can-do attitude Talk respectfully to the student Encourage, instead of talking the student into, trying something new Encourage mentee to reflect on experience Provide sympathetic but realistic feedback Provide empathy, support, and encouragement when the mentee encounters

difficulty Help the child view things from other peoples’ perspectives Serve as a facilitator, advocate, and supporter Serve as a personal role model Guide the child in developing interests and uncovering opportunities Inculcate positive work habits Help the child to develop sense of purpose and direction Help the child to develop sense of self-worth Help promote resiliency Help the child to develop and use effective problem-solving skills Help the child to develop social skills and social competencies Be consistent Be independent and recognize when you may be a crutch to the student Keep your expectations in line with achievability: not too much, not too little Handle confrontations gently, firmly, and consistently Keep the child safe in all situations Keep confidentiality except in cases of potential harm to the chld or others Maintain trust; do what you say you will do when you say you will do it


A Mentor is..

A trusted guide or friend Young children do not get much of an opportunity to become friends with older teenagers, especially someone who will listen to them. Many young children have parents and teachers and perhaps, coaches in their lives; however, many may not have older siblings, cousins who live nearby, or any time with a teenager.

A caring, responsible person who provides access to people, places,

and things outside the child’s routine environment

A positive role model A mentor is a positive role model who demonstrates through his/her behaviors how to best get along in the world. Youth often have many role models, not all positive, with whom they really don’t ever interact (athletes, actors, musicians, war heroes, presidents, etc.)

Key Qualities of a Good Mentor

Good listener Committed Patient

Creative Resourceful

You Surprised Me! Today you made a mistake - And you laughed. (It was a nice deep laugh.) I didn't know big people Ever did anything silly or funny or Embarrassing. I think you're more than just An adult. You're a real person!


Qualities of Successful Mentors

Personal commitment It is a challenge to make a commitment to spend one free block of time twice per week with a young child. That child expects to see you and whether or not he/she shows it, feels it when you do not come. You will not leave each visit feeling like you made a difference; it is important to see your relationship over time, to celebrate at the end of the year, and to fulfill your commitment to care to make a difference

Respect for individuals and for their abilities and right to make their own choices. Mentors who convey a sense of respect and equal dignity in the relationship win the trust of their mentee partners, and the privilege of being advisors to them. It is important to young children that they are heard, they get to decide sometimes, that they have a voice.

Ability to listen and to accept different points of view. It’s much harder to find someone who will suspend his or her own judgment and really listen. Mentors often help simply by listening, asking thoughtful questions, and giving the child an opportunity to explore his/her own thoughts with a minimum of interference.

Ability to empathize with another person’s struggles Effective mentors can feel “with” people without feeling pity “for” them. Even without having had the same life experiences, they can empathize with their child’s feelings and personal problems. Ability to see solutions and opportunities as well as barriers Effective mentors are able to make sense of a seeming jumble of issues and point out possible and sensible alternatives. Effective mentors often guide the child to think through possible solutions to a problem.

Flexibility and openness. Effective mentors recognize that relationships take time to develop and that communication is a two-way street. They are willing to take time to get to know a chld, to learn new things that are important to him/her (music, games, books, etc..) and to be changed by the relationship.


EFFECTIVE MENTORING GUIDELINES

Establish a warm, genuine, and open relationship that encourages learning.

Keep in frequent weekly contact with student. Be reliable.

Establish realistic expectations.

Encourage the student to research possible interests.

Encourage student to talk by asking open-ended questions.

Let the student make his/her own decisions; assist by listing options.

Focus on student’s strengths and potential, rather than limitations.

Let your student know the best way to get a message to you through the Mentor Coordinator.

Keep atmosphere informal.

Be a good listener. Show a genuine interest in what our student has to say.

Encourage your student to ask questions that he/she might be afraid to ask in a classroom.

Encourage your student to try even when the work appears too difficult.

Don’t be afraid to admit that you don’t know something. Use the opportunity to show your student how to access and use the resources that contain answers.

Above all, be patient. Progress may be slow but try not to get discouraged. Look for small signs of progress.

Refrain from telling the student “I know you can do it because it is easy.” Instead, tell the student that it may be difficult, but you think he/she can do it.

Help the student develop an enthusiasm for learning. Liking you and wanting to please you can inspire a student to work harder. Although the mentor should emphasize that the student works for himself/herself and his/her own self-improvement.


The greatest good you can do for another is not just to

share your riches, but to reveal to him his own

-- Benjamin Disraeli


Who are our little buddies?

“Dear dear! How queer everything is today! And yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think: Was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is ‘Who in the World am I?’ Ah, that’s the puzzle!”

Alice in Alice in Wonderland by Lewis Carroll


Remember… …when you were in first or second grade you wanted to have super hero powers. …the name of your second grade teacher …when you were younger and you loved to climb trees. …gym was your favorite class, next to recess and lunch. …you and your friends built awesome forts. …you and your best friend made up a game and all the rules.


Development and Growth Patterns The Five Year Old: Growth Patterns Physical Vision focused on objects close at hand Centered on task Gross motor control improving 3-fingered pincer grasp with pencil Falls out of chair sideways Paces self well Active but can control physical behavior

Social Likes to help; cooperative, want to be “good” Likes rules and routines Needs approval Dependent on authority; wants to be told what to do, but also finds it

difficult to see things from another’s viewpoint Language Literal, succinct “play” and “good” are favorite words Needs release from adult – “Can I…?” Fantasy is more active, less verbal Often does not communicate about school or home Thinks out loud

Cognitive Likes to copy Literal behavior; often only one way to do thins Bound cognitively by sight and senses Animistic (inanimate objects have life, movement) Learns best through play and own action Does not yet think logically


Changes as Children Move Toward Six Physical Visual and auditory confusion Reversals common Physically restless Awkward fine motor skills Variable pencil grasp Tilts head to non-dominant side Hand “gets tired” from firm grip Often stands to do work Tires quickly

Language Equivocates – sometime yes, sometimes no Elaboarates and differentiates in answer to questions Verbal answers may not equal cognitive understanding; more words

than ideas Auditory reversals (answers first what was heard last)

Social Oppositional, not sure whether to be good or naughty Insecure with feelings Testing authority, limits Tentative Complains Temper tantrums; striking out Wonderful at home, terrible at school or vice-versa

Cognitive Begins to try new activities more easily Makes lots of mistakes; recognizes some Learns well from direct experience


The Six Year Old: Growth Patterns Physical Good visual pursuit for reading More aware of fingers as tools Sloppy; in a hurry; speed is a benchmark of 6 Noisy in classroom Falls backwards out of chairs Learning to distinguish left from right Oral activity (teething) – chews pencils, fingernails, hair Easily tires; frequent illnesses Enjoys outdoors, gym

Social Want to be first Competitive; enthusiastic Sometimes a “poor sport” or dishonest invents rules Anxious to do well, but does a lot of testing Any failure is hard; thrives on encouragement Tremendous capacity for enjoyment; likes surprises and treats Can be bossy, teasing, critical of others Easily upset when hurt Friends are important (may have a best friend) School replaces home as most significant environmental

influence Language Likes to “work” Likes to explain things; show & tell is useful Loves jokes and guessing games Boisterous and enthusiastic language complainer

Cognitive Loves to ask questions Likes new games; ideas Loves to color; paint Learns best through discovery Enjoys process more than product Tries more than can accomplish (eyes are bigger than stomach) Dramatic play elaborated cooperative play elaborated

representative symbols more important Spatial relationships and functional relationships better

understood Beginning understanding of past when tied closely to present Beginning interest in skill and technique for its own sake


The Seven Year Old: Growth Patterns Physical Visually myopic Works with head down on desk Pincer grasp at pencil point Written work tidy, neat Sometimes tense Likes confined space Many hurts, real and imagined

Social Inwardized, withdrawn Sometimes moody; depressed; sulky or shy Touchy “nobody likes me” Changeable feelings Needs security, structuer Relies on teacher for help Doesn’t like to make mistakes or risk making them Sensitive to other’s feelings, but sometimes tattles Conscientious, serious Keeps a neater desk, room Needs constant reinforcement Strong likes and dislikes

Language Good listener Precise talker Likes one-on-one conversation Vocabulary development expands rapidly Interested in meaning of words Likes to send notes Interested in all sorts of codes

Cognitive Likes to review learning Needs closure; must complete assignments Likes to work slowly Likes to work alone Can classify spontaneously Likes to be read to Reflective ability growing Erases constantly, want work perfect Likes to repeat tasks Likes board games Enjoys manipulatives Want to discover how things work; likes to take things apart


The Eight Year Old: Growth Patterns Physical Speedy, works in a hurry Full of energy Needs physical release, outdoor time Somewhat awkward Attention span limited Vision strong in near and far

Social Gregarious, humorous Likes to work cooperatively Often “bites off more than he can chew”; overestimates ability Resilient; bounces back quickly from mistakes Prefers same gender activities Trouble with limits and boundaries Friendship groups often include more children than seven

Language Talkative Listens, but so full of ideas cannot always recall what has been said Exaggerates Likes to explain ideas Vocabulary expands rapidly

Cognitive Engrossed in activity at hand; loves to socialize at same time Likes groups and group activity Very industrious Often works quickly Concrete operations solidifying Basic skills begin to be mastered Begins to feel a sense of competence


The Nine Year Old: Growth Patterns Physical Increased coordination Pushes self to physical limits Fatigues easily Numerous injuries Somatic complaints Tension outlets such as nail-biting, hair-twisting, lip-pursing

Social Highly competitive Self-aware Impatient Worrier;anxious Allof Complainer; fariness issue Sees adult inconsistencies and imperfections’ Critical Can be sullen and moody Individualistic

Language Descriptive Loves vocabulary and language play and information Baby-talk sometimes re-emerges Use of hyperbole Age of negatives: “I hate it”, “I can’t”, “boring”, “yeah, right” “dirty” jokes Graffiti

Cognitive Industrious and self-critical Dawn of “bigger world” Less imaginative Intellectual curiosity Ability to deal with multiple variables emerges Trouble with abstractions – large numbers, periods of time, space


Four Conditions that Affect Self-Esteem CONNECTIVENESS: Being part of a family, community and being in touch with self, personal history and culture enhances self-esteem Share interests and hobbies Do something special Encourage participation UNIQUENESS: Developing a special sense of self and recognizing uniqueness is important to self-esteem. A young child may be unique in appearance, talents, hobbies, or interests. Notice and affirm special characteristics Encourage a young child to express ideas, even if they are different from yours POWER: Having the resources, opportunities, and capabilities to control one’s life enhances self-esteem. Young children are empowered when they are taught to make decisions. Encourage personal responsibility Help the child become aware of his/her own decision-making process Take the student through the steps of problem solving Emphasize strengths, not weaknesses MODELS: Good role models can affect self-esteem. Models serve as examples to help young children establish their own values, goals, ideals, and personal standards. Young children often have role models whom they will never meet: athletes, superheroes, movie stars, etc. Being in contact with someone that he/she can admire can make them feel good about themselves. Share your own values, goals, ideals, and personal standards Encourage discussions about values, beliefs, and interests Help your student face the consequences of his/her behavior


Communication Skills

“We talk so much We’re telling kids this and that

We forget to listen We forget to ask: What do you think?

How do you feel? It’s only after we know how they feel

And what they think That we can know what to say.”


Mentoring Communication Cycle

Following Up Restate what you hear as a plan Forward any necessary Information to others Do what you say you are going to do, when you say you are going to do it Check in next time you see one another

Understanding Address feelings before

facts

Paraphrase

Ask open-ended questions

Listen skillfully

Helping (not Rescuing)

Help mentee to identify and explore options

Explain who is a

resource for more information

Help mentee create a

problem-solving plan

Welcoming/ Telling

Greet warmly

Ask for one’s well-being


DECISION-MAKING AND PROBLEM-SOLVING SKILLS LOOK FOR SIGNS OF DIFFERENT FEELINGS How are you feeling? Am I right in thinking you are upset? TELL YOURSELF WHAT THE PROBLEM IS What would you say the problem is? Does something need to change? Does something need to happen that isn’t happening? DECIDE ON YOUR GOAL What do you want to have happen? What do you want to accomplish? BRAINSTORM THE SOLUTION How many ways can you think of to reach your goal? EVALUATE EACH POSSIBLE SOLUTION What are the pros and cons of each suggested solution? CHOOSE THE ONE THAT FITS THE BEST Give the pros and cons of each solution. What makes the most sense to you? Which solution will help you achieve your goal? DEVELOP AND IMPLEMENT A PLAN What is the first thing you will have to do to carry out your idea? The second? The third? EVALUATE YOUR PLAN What happened when you tried to carry out your plan? What did you learn that might help you next time? Do you need to try another solution, rethink your plan?


CONFLICT RESOLUTION

IDENTIFY THE PROBLEM

FOCUS ON THE PROBLEM, NOT THE PERSON. REFRAIN FROM PLACING BLAME, BRINGING UP PAST SITUATIONS, OR NAME-CALLING.

ACCEPT RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN ACTIONS OR

CONTRIBUTION TO THE SITUATION.

LISTEN TO AND RESPECT THE OTHER PERSON’S PERSPECTIVE AND FEELINGS.

USE “I” MESSAGES WHEN DISCUSSING THE SITUATION, RATHER

THAN MAKING ACCUSATIONS OR ASSUMPTIONS ABOUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON DID.

COMPROMISE OR COME UP WITH A MUTUALLY ACCEPTABLE

SOLUTION USING PROBLEM-SOLVING APPROACH.


Helpful Communication Skills The following four communication skills are very helpful for mentors to develop and practice. These skills are particularly useful when your goal is to open up communication with a young person. They are also useful skills that you can help your mentee to develop.

Active Listening

“I” Messages

Paraphrasing

Open-ended Questions

Active Listening An attempt is made to truly understand the content and emotion of what the other person is saying. Paying attention to the verbal and non-verbal messages does this. The task is to focus, hear, respect, and communicate your desire to understand. This is not the time to be planning a response or conveying how you feel. What skills are used? 1. Eye contact 2. Body language, for example, open and relaxed posture, forward lean, appropriate

facial expressions, positive use of gestures, etc.

3. Verbal cues such as “um-hmmm”, “sure”, “ah”, “yes”, etc.

What are the results of Actively Listening? 1. Encourages honesty – helps people free themselves of troublesome feelings by

expressing them openly 2. Reduces fear – helps people become less afraid of negative feelings 3. Builds respect and affection

4. Increases acceptance – promotes a feeling of understanding

5. Demonstrates the first step in problem-solving – “negotiating from the heart”

6. Models a behavior that says, “I want to learn what you mean; your thoughts are

important to hear.”

When you actively listen, you cooperate in solving a problem – and in preventing future problems.


“I” Messages

Statements that begin with “I” create the opportunity to keep the focus on you and explain your feelings in response to someone else’s behavior. Because “I” messages do not accuse, point fingers at the other person, or place blame, they avoid judging and help keep communication open. At the same time, “I” messages continue to advance a situation to a problem-solving stage. For example: “I was really sad when you didn’t show up for our meeting last week. I look forward to our meetings and was disappointed not to see you. In the future, I would appreciate it if you could call me and let me know if you will not be able to make it.” Instead of: “You didn’t show up, and I waited for one hour. You could have at least called me and let me know you weren’t coming. You were irresponsible.” Take care that your body language, timing, facial expressions, tone of voice, and choice of words is congruent with an open and honest heart. Consider the effects of the following: Body language: slouching, turning away, and pointing a finger Timing: speaking too fast or too slow, jumping quickly to conclusions Facial expressions: smiling, squirming, raising eyebrows, gritting teeth Tone of voice: shouting, whispering, sneering, and whining Choice of words: accusatory, pretentious, assuming, emotionally laden, self-sorry Results: “I” messages only resent one perspective. Allowing the other person to actually “have” a point of view and hearing it does not mean that he/she is right. “I” messages communicate both information and respect for each position. Again, this skill moves both parties along to the problem-solving stage.

Paraphrasing Focuses on listening first and then reflecting the two parts of the speaker’s message, FACT and FEELING, back to the speaker. Often, the fact is clearly state, but a good listener is “listening between the lines” for the “feeling” part of the communication. Using this skill is a way to “check out” what you heard for accuracy – did you interpret what your mentee said correctly? This is particularly helpful when working with youth. Youth culture and language is constantly changing in creative ways. Often words that meant one thing when mentors were young could have an entirely different meaning today.


Format examples when restating FACT: “So you’re saying that…” “You believe that…” “The problem is…” Format examples when restating FEELING: “You feel that…” “Your reaction is…” “And that made you feel…” Paraphrasing is not the time to respond by evaluating, sympathizing, giving an opinion, offering advice, analyzing or questioning. Results: Using active listening skills will enable you to gather the information and then be able to simply report back what you heard in the message – the facts and the attitudes or feelings that were expressed. This allows the other person to know that you hear, understand, and care about his/her thoughts and feelings.

Open-ended Questions Open-ended questions are intended to collect information by exploring feelings, attitudes, and how the other person views a situation. Open-ended questions are extremely helpful when trying to get a conversation going. Some young people may answer questions with as few words as possible. In order to maintain an active dialogue without interrogating, try to ask questions which cannot be answered with a “yes” or “no”, an “I don’t know” or one word. Examples: “How do you see this situation?” “What are your reasons for…?” “Would you give me an example of ….” “How does this affect you?” “How did you decide that?” “What would you like to do about it?” “What would you do differently if you could do it over?” A question asking “why did you…?” or “why didn’t you…?” may yield a defensive response rather than a discussion that clarifies the mentee’s thinking. Results: Since open-ended questions require a bit more time to answer than closed questions that can be answered in one word, they give a person a chance to explain his/her thinking. Open-ended questions yield significantly more information that can be used to solve problems.


Examples of types of questions:

Closed Questions

Did you have fun this weekend? Do you like to watch movies? Did you know that was going to happen? Did you prefer something else? Does that make you nervous? Did you do ok on your math project that you were worried about?

Open-Ended Questions What did you do that was fun this weekend? What kind of movies are fun to watch? What had you thought would have happened? What else would you have preferred? How does that make you feel? What was your take on your math project? How would you feel now if you had it to do over?


Examples of Roadblocks to Effective Communication The following examples, while not always wrong to use, have a tendency to shut off communication. In conversations with mentees, what you as mentor think is only guidance for a mentee developing his/her own thinking. 1. Ordering, directing, commanding

Telling a child to do something; giving the child an order or command “It doesn’t matter what other children are doing, you will….” “Now you go back up the and play with Ginny and Joyce!” “Stop complaining!”

2. Moralizing, preaching by using “should’s” and “ought’s”

Invoking vague outside authority as accepted truth “You shouldn’t think that” (act like that, do that, etc.) “You ought to…” “Children are supposed to respect their elders.”

3. Teaching, lecturing, and giving logical arguments Trying to influence the child with facts, counter-arguments, logic, information, or your own opinion: “College can be the most wonderful experience you’ll ever have.” “Children must learn to get along with one another.” “Let’s look at the facts about college graduates.” “If kids learn to take responsibility around the house, they’ll grow up to be responsible adults.” “When I was your age, I had twice as much to do as you.”

4. Judging, criticizing, disagreeing, blaming Making a negative judgment or evaluation of the child “You’re not thinking clearly.” “That’s an immature point of view.” “You’re very wrong about that.” “I couldn’t disagree with you more.”

5. Withdrawing, distracting, using sarcasm, humoring, diverting Trying to get the child away from the problem, withdrawing from the problem yourself, distracting the child, kidding the child out of it, pushing the problem aside: “Just forget about it.” “Let’s not talk about this at the table.” “Come on – let’s talk about something more pleasant.” “Why don’t you try burning the school building down?” “We’ve all been through this before.”


Getting Started Bridging the Gap We don't exactly speak The same Language. Our age is different - our thinking is different And We don't use the same words. But, Since you let me talk my way, I'll let you talk your way. We might just (accidentally) Communicate.


Activities

Think of activities that you can do with your little buddy. Some will require forethought and preparation, like bringing checkers or cards, while others will be spur-of-the-moment, like playing tic-tac-toe.

Generate a list of activities that you liked to do. Ask your friends and peers in the Buddy Program what they do with their little buddies. Ideas: Preparation:


Navigating Rough Spots

Empathy When things go wrong I can remember, Word for word, Everything you said to me, Everything you did for me, And I can remember, Clear as day Just how I felt. But what did you feel? what did I do? I haven't the slightest idea.

I wonder why?


What would you do if . . . 1. As you enter the classroom five children jump up, grab your hand and plead with you to work with them today. Your buddy looks anything but pleased. 2. You notice a cut on your buddy’s arm. When asked about it she says that her father pushed her into a nail. You feel uncomfortable with her response. 3. After reading a book together in the library, your buddy doesn’t want to go back to class. 4. Your buddy asks you to take her to the movies this weekend. 5. Every day you arrive in the classroom your buddy wants to include a friend in on your visit. 6. Sitting at a table with your buddy and some of his friends, they start making fun of another child at the next table. 7. You are walking your buddy down the hall to lunch and another child comes up and calls your buddy a negative name. 8. The teacher asked you to help your buddy finish her math but, your buddy doesn’t want to work on it.

Why is your BUDDY behaving this way? How might you deal with that behavior?

cvu buddy program - champlain valley union high school - home

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