Community Life 101

Topics: Communication Defined Active Listing Non-verbal and Verbal Communication Behaviors in Small Groups: Roles, Styles… Assertive Communication Approaches The Use of Questions

Session Four: Communication Dynamics for Small Groups

Scripture and Discussion Questions:Communication from the Word, with God and One Another

Ephesians 4:17-24So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Discussion QuestionsIn what way were Ephesian believers instructed not to live as Gentiles? (4:17-19)What could be an example of what it meant to the Ephesians to “put off the old self within their cultural context?”What would be the first step for you in changing an old pattern of behavior? Do you have any examples of this?

Communication Defined

• Defined: The sharing of feelings, thoughts, and information with another person.

• Illustrated: What are some of the ways in which we communicate?

How We CommunicateHow We Communicate

Verbal communication-Words – 10%-Tone of voice – 35%

Nonverbal communication-Body language – 55%

We Communicate by ListeningWe Communicate by ListeningVerbal Communication

•The Ministry of Listening•How to Listen, Generally•Active Listening Defined

How to Active Listen in a GroupWhen Not to Active Listen

Nonverbal Communication•Nonverbal Communication Defined•How to Communicate Nonverbally•Nonverbal Communication Activity

THE MINISTRY OF LISTENING

The first service that one owes to others in the fellowship consists in listening to them…Christians have forgotten that the ministry of listening has been committed to them by Him who is Himself the great listener and whose work they should share. We should listen with the ears of God that we may speak the Word of God.

(Bonhoeffer, Dietrich. Life Together. San Francisco: Harper & Row, 1954, pp.98-

How to Listen, Generally • Stop Talking!• Focus on looking and acting

interested• Remove distractions• Empathize• Show patience• Don’t argue or push back• Ask questions

Active Listening Defined

Active Listening is a type of listening in which a person lets others know that what they said was heard and understood.

How to Active Listen in a Group

1. Use good attending skills.2. Listen closely to what other persons are saying and how they saying it.3. Watch for nonverbal clues to feelings.4. Listen for content (what the other persons are talking about) and feelings (how they feel about what they are talking about).5. Respond: Use words that describe the content and feelings in what you say by paraphrasing what you are hearing. Respond to all you hear, but nothing more (time for that later).

We Communicate by ListeningWe Communicate by Listening

The Ministry of ListeningHow to Listen, GenerallyActive Listening Defined

How to Active Listen in a GroupWhen Not to Active Listen

Nonverbal CommunicationNonverbal Communication DefinedHow to Communicate NonverballyNonverbal Communication Activity

Nonverbal Communication Defined

Definition: The use of behavior rather than words to express feelings.

Discussion: What are some ways that people communicate without words?

How to Communicate Nonverbally

S.O.L.E.R.S - Face others SQUARELY. This says that you are available to communicate with them.O - Adopt an OPEN posture. This says that you are open and non-defensive.L - LEAN toward the group at times. This underscores your attentiveness and lets them know that you are with them.E - Maintain good EYE contact without staring. This tells individuals of your interest in them.R - Remain relatively RELAXED. This indicates your confidence in what you are discussing and also helps others relax.

Nonverbal Communication Activity

In groups of two or three, describe how you spent this past Saturday.

You have one minute to do this. After one minute, your partner will tell you about his or her Saturday.

During the first 30 seconds, the listener practices normal nonverbal listening skills. During the next 30 seconds the listener demonstrates inappropriate listening.

Discussion: How did the inattentiveness of the listener effect your ability to communicate?

Behaviors in Small Groups

Roles: Initiator, Analyzer, Gate Keeper, etc. Styles: Passive, Aggressive, Mixed, Assertive Approaches to Assertive Communication

• “I Messages”• Paraphrasing• Consensus reaching• Conflict resolution• Questions: General, Relational, Inductive

Roles in Small Groups (1)

Initiator: Gets the group discussion started or re-started by asking questions or giving responses that invite others to participate.

Analyzer: Watches for changes in the vital signs of the group discussion process and brings these changes to the attention of its members.

Gatekeeper: Invites quieter members to participate and makes sure that more active members don't dominate.

Roles in Small Groups (2)

Fact-Seeker: Always wants more information and is quick to point out the difference between a fact and an opinion.

Encourager: Shows support for participant’s contributions by making positive and appreciative statements.

Harmonizer: Focuses discussion on meeting specific needs as a way of mediating conflict and bringing people together.

Summarizer: Brings together contributions of group members to encourage agreement and reach a decision.

Roles in Small Groups (3)

Roles: Initiator, Analyzer, Gatekeeper, Fact-Seeker, Encourager, Harmonizer, Summarizer

• What role do you play most frequently in groups?

• What are some situations in which different roles are played in different groups?

• Passive: The holding back of ideas, opinions, and feelings

• Aggressive: The use of words and/or actions that show disrespect towards others.

• Mixed Message (Passive/Aggressive): A message in which verbal and nonverbal behavior do not match

• Assertive: The honest expression of thoughts and feelings without experiencing anxiety or threatening others

Behavior Styles in Small Groups

PassiveAggressive

lose/lose

Aggressivewin/lose

Passivelose/win

Assertivewin/win

I think / feel / need / want . . .

Open/ honest/

clear

Consideration for the other

Behavior Styles in Small Groups:A Model

Behaviors in Small Groups

Roles: Initiator, Analyzer, Gate Keeper, etc. Styles: Passive, Aggressive, Mixed, Assertive Approaches to Assertive Communication

• “I Messages”• Paraphrasing• Consensus reaching• Conflict resolution• Questions: General, Relational, Inductive

“I-Messages” not “You Messages”

• I-Message – A statement that contains.

- A specific behavior.

- The effect the behavior has on the individual.

- The feeling that resulted.

• You-Message – A statement that blames or shames

another person instead of expressing feelings.

“I” messages

An “I” message is a method for requesting a change. It is an approach for describing your own needs, values and feelings openly, honestly and directly. It does this by emphasizing the first person pronoun, claiming ownership of your feelings, expressing your needs directly and describing the situation instead of evaluating it.

Examples:“I am concerned by the lack of interest group members seem to have for this topic.”“It’s important to me to keep up with what our thinking is in this area. It’s something I’m not very familiar with, and I need to stay on top of things.”

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“You” messages

A “You” message emphasizes the second person pronoun and blames or accuses the other for your feelings, or judges others’ behavior. Its effect on another is to cause the other to become defensive. Instead of opening up conversation, it makes the other wary of your intentions and causes him or her to either withdraw from the conversation, or attempt to justify his/her own feelings.

Examples:“You’re so unreliable and incompetent.”“You make me so angry! You made me late and I missed half the presentation! It’s all your fault.”

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Behaviors in Small Groups

Roles: Initiator, Analyzer, Gate Keeper, etc. Styles: Passive, Aggressive, Mixed, Assertive Approaches to Assertive Communication

• “I Messages”• Paraphrasing• Consensus reaching• Conflict resolution• Questions: General, Relational, Inductive• Concluding Guidelines

ParaphrasingParaphrasing

When paraphrasing what someone has said it is good to:

- Listen for the main message- Restate the message as you understand

it, in your own words- Check that what you heard was what the

speaker meant

Consensus Reaching

Reaching consensus is reaching substantial agreement by discussion but not necessarily unanimity. There are four positions participants take while trying to reach consensus. The first three can be included in a consensus agreement:1. This is what I want.2. This is not ideal but it’s OK by me.3. This is not what I want but I can agree to

support the group and not interfere.

4. This is not what I want and I cannot agree to support it.

Dealing with Conflict

•Participants need to respect the right of others to have different viewpoints and be willing to learn from one another•Facilitators should remain neutral unless facts are being misstated. In that event facilitators calmly explain the facts.•When you sense that the issues have been expressed on both sides and enough time has been allowed for discussion, suggest that the matter be left as “agreeing to disagree and willing to move ahead." •If an issue that has been thoroughly discussed is brought up again, state that you believe that the issue has been adequately addressed and ask participants if they wish to look at it again. Most of the time the group will say no. If they say yes, then ask participants to identify new information that needs to be addressed. If none is identified, calmly close the topic.

Behaviors in Small Groups

Roles: Initiator, Analyzer, Gate Keeper, etc. Styles: Passive, Aggressive, Mixed, Assertive Approaches to Assertive Communication

• “I Messages”• Paraphrasing• Consensus reaching• Conflict resolution• Questions: General, Relational, Inductive• Concluding Guidelines

Questions in Small Groups

General Questions: factual, reflective, interpretive, decisional

Relational Questions: focused on connecting participants with one another and topics being discussed

Inductive Questions: observation, interpretation, application

General Questions

•Factual questions: (who? what? when? where? why?)•Reflective questions: (What did it remind you of? What were the key words? Was this helpful for you and why?) •Interpretive questions: (What were the most important points? How would you do things differently?)•Decisional questions: (What do you need to do to apply what you learned today?)

Relational Questions

Background and Free Time 1. I am from... 2. I work at... 3. My family is made up of... 4. I spend weekends... Personality and Interests 1. One of my strengths is... 2. One of my weaknesses is... 3. In my free time, I like to... 4. I really laugh when...

Family BackgroundShare information about the parents or parent in the family in which you grew up. 1. What were their hobbies or special interests? 2. What were their jobs or careers? 3. What did they seem to like and dislike about your childhood or teen years? 4. What do you admire and not admire about them? 5. What qualities about them would you like to develop in your life?

Inductive Bible Study Questions (1)

Observational Questions1. What are the facts that we need to know?! 2. Who are the people?  3.  What is it saying?  4.  Where will it take place?5.  When did it happen?  When will it happen?6.  How did it happen?  How can it happen?7.  Why did the writer say that? This leads into

the interpretation.  

Interpretation Questions1. How are we to understand the information that

we are discussing? What needs clarification or definition?

2. What was the message that the writer intended to convey?

3. In what context was it written?4. How was it understood by those who first

received it? What does it mean to us today?5. What are we able to agree to as the main ideas?

Inductive Bible Study Questions (2)

Inductive Bible Study Questions (3)

Application Questions1. What is the action that we’re called to do? 2. How do the main points and ideas or this

discussion apply to our lives?3. What are the changes in behavior, commitment,

attitude, relationships, and actions that need to take place?

4. What are we going to do about it?  5. What do you sense Christ is calling you to do?6. How can this passage help you to change your

behaviors or goals?

Scripture and Discussion Questions

Ephesians 4:17-24So I tell you this, and insist on it in the Lord, that you must no longer live as the Gentiles do, in the futility of their thinking. They are darkened in their understanding and separated from the life of God because of the ignorance that is in them due to the hardening of their hearts. Having lost all sensitivity, they have given themselves over to sensuality so as to indulge in every kind of impurity, with a continual lust for more. You, however, did not come to know Christ that way. Surely you heard of him and were taught in him in accordance with the truth that is in Jesus. You were taught, with regard to your former way of life, to put off your old self, which is being corrupted by its deceitful desires; to be made new in the attitude of your minds; and to put on the new self, created to be like God in true righteousness and holiness. Discussion QuestionsIn what way were Ephesian believers instructed not to live as Gentiles? (4:17-19)What could be an example of what it meant to the Ephesians to “put off the old self within their cultural context?”What would be the first step for you in changing an old pattern of behavior? Do you have any examples of this?

Concluding General Guidelines

•Arrive early and check out room readiness.•Arrange for refreshments.•Greet individuals by name when they arrive. •Use nonverbal behaviors such as smiles, eye contact, head nods to show support for contributions.•Use words such as “I see” or “I understand” to confirm your understanding. Restate what the speaker has said to let him or her know you are listening. •End the meeting with a summary of what has been said and agreed to.