Building Skills for Public Interaction

David Kay (dlk2@cornell.edu)Suzanne Motheral (sm29@cornell.edu)(adapted in part from materials developed by CDRC)

Overview

Communication skills - listening well Basic concept - positions to interests Dealing with problem behaviors

A critical skill: learning to listen

EAR

EYES

UNDIVIDED ATTENTION

HEART

“to listen”: the characters suggest the complexity of listening well

Too often we hear something and respond without having listened hard enough. Miscommunication is the result.

A good listener creates the ideal conditions for information to be heard and exchanged

Good communication

– Your attention – A respectful audience who gives them a chance

to fully express themselves– Responses that affirm you understand

basic content their level of concern

Good communication II

What are the first things the speaker (angry or otherwise) wants from you as a listener?

Roadblocks to communication

Responses that take the focus off the speaker (too soon)

Fixing their problem:

•Giving orders•Suggesting•Advising •Using logical arguments•Cross-examining•Providing them with information

Evaluating them:

•Judging•Threatening•Praising•Diagnosing•Taking sides•Giving opinions

Diverting them or negating concerns:

•Reassuring•Minimizing•Changing the subject

Fixing their problem:

•Giving orders•Suggesting•Advising •Using logical arguments•Cross-examining•Providing them with information

Evaluating them:

•Judging•Threatening•Praising•Diagnosing•Taking sides•Giving opinions

Diverting them or negating concerns:

•Reassuring•Minimizing•Changing the subject

Active listening

Goal is to understand the situation from speaker’s perspective

– How does speaker feel?– What are speaker’s

thoughts and ideas?– What does speaker need

or want?

Active listening II

Steps to keep focus on the speaker– Attend closely to what is said, both verbally and

nonverbally– Show understanding through nonverbal behavior– Note feelings and intensity as well as content– Restate the important thoughts, ideas and facts– Listen for and acknowledge speaker’s basic values– Do not interrupt, offer advice, suggestions or opinions– Do not bring up similar events from your own experience– Invite corrections and accept them gracefully

Reflection skills - mirroring what was said

Purpose – to let both the speaker and listener affirm the message has been heard and understood as it was intended

Result – when the speaker feels understood, the need to repeat or emphasize decreases, as does tension.

Types of reflections– Content – listener paraphrases content of speaker– Feeling – listener repeats, paraphrases, infers feelings– (Values, interests, needs – listener repeats, paraphrases, infers

values, interests, needs)

Reflection skills - types of reflections

Statement – “First he tells me to make the decision, but then he always makes it himself anyway.”

Content reflection– So you’re saying he always takes decisions into his own hands

even after he asks you to do it? Feeling reflection

– It sounds like you’re feeling frustrated and betrayed by him. NOTE: If you don’t get it quite right, people will usually correct, e.g.

“Frustrated, yes, but not really betrayed. It’s more that he doesn’t respect me.”

Value reflection– You value having your input taken seriously.

Exercise - listening line

1. Form two lines, face each other2. One line starts as a speaker, the other is the listener3. The speaker chooses to speak about anything that is of interest

to them (family, politics, frustrations at work, a great movie, what you like or don’t like about the clerk’s institute, etc.)

4. The listener listens responsively for 2 minutes WITHOUT SAYING ANYTHING.

5. The listener listens responsively for 3 minutes reflecting CONTENT and/or EMOTION

6. Switch sides AND partners7. Debrief

Positions and Interests

Definition

Example 

 Position a specific outcome or action

perceived as meeting immediate needs

“Block the new dump.”

 

Interest the desires, fears, beliefs, values and concerns that a person hopes to advance through the position

“I’m concerned about my family’s health and the effect of the dump on property values.”

Understanding the interests behind a position can help to identify shared interests or values and produce alternative solutions which

often meet the needs of more than one person or group.

Comparing Positions and Interests

A position is . . . An interest is . . . Specific action Broad concept

Concrete Abstract

Single Outcome Many possible outcomes

Minimally negotiable Fosters maximum discussion

Demands result in near-term Suggests long-term approaches to meeting needs

Easy to evaluate Complex to evaluate

Types of Interests

 

Definition

Example

 

  Substantive Tangible resources salary; office size; office location

  Procedural The manner in which a dispute is resolved

fairness of process; ability to be involved

 Psychological Emotional &

relationship needsbeing treated with respect; improving communication

Identifying Interests I

Ask “Why?”– Why, for instance, is an employee opposed to a reorganization that

changes the work flow? The answer you come up with, to protect the relationship he has with a co-worker, is probably one of his interests.

Put yourself in the shoes of others. Ask “What will you gain?” or “What will you lose?” Ask people to answer the question “What will you gain or lose if

you get (the stated position)?” Usually the answer to this question will reveal a party’s underlying needs or interests.

– For example, Employee A states opposition to a proposal to begin an in-house newsletter. When asked, “What will you gain if a newsletter is not started?”, Employee A might answer that staff meetings will remain the major forum for sharing information.

Identifying Interests II

A person or group can have multiple interests.– Some may be theirs alone; others may be shared. At times

a person’s different interests may even be contradictory. The most powerful interests are basic human needs.

– Search for the basic motivational interest behind positions. If you can recognize and take care of basic need - security, economic well-being, a sense of belonging, recognition and control over one’s life - you increase chances of reaching agreement. Progress is unlikely if someone feels as if his basic human needs are being threatened.

* Adapted from Getting to Yes by Roger Fisher and William Ury

Vignette

Betsy and her family own an apple orchard. As a farm employee, Sergio, drives a tractor and full wagon, the wagon tips over and spills apples into the road. Steve is driving by and swerves, ending up in a ditch. Though not seriously hurt, his car is damaged. Steve’s wife has already called the Supervisor to see if the town can get tractors and other farm vehicles off of busy roads.

Vignette - Positions

SteveYou need to train your employees to do their jobs safely. You should be hiring local workers who know what they’re doing.You should pay for the damage to my car, and for my pain and

suffering!

BetsyMy employees are better drivers than you are. You would have been

fine if you weren’t speeding! It’s my own business who I hire, not yours.Helping fix your car, maybe. But pain and suffering – give me a break!

Vignette – Possible interests

SteveNeed for transportation while car is in shop?Getting a sincere apology?Other?

BetsyNot losing a good worker whose papers might not be in order?Maintaining critical practices, like tractors on roads?Avoiding financial burdens that might push the farm into bankruptcy?Other?

Questions that uncover interests

What do you hope to achieve by suggesting . . . . ? So, if I heard you correctly, you have a strong interest in . . . .? What do you need . . . . for? What are your concerns? Can you give me an example of why that is a concern for you? You must have a good reason for that suggestion. Can you help me

understand what’s important to you? How would you do this, if you were me? So however this is resolved, you have a need for the solution to

include . . . . What if we did . . . . ? Would that satisfy your concern? What led you to that position? What would it take for you to support this idea? So you’re proposing that one possible solution is . . . . Are

there others that you could support? What, in your opinion, would be a bad solution?

Responding to difficult, angry behaviors

Listen well – don’t move too quickly to interrupt with reflection and summary. Emotional people need to let off steam before you can move forward

Validate feelings without endorsing content Avoid arguing, rebuttal, defensiveness Remain even tempered yourself Ask questions that clarify feelings, what has happened Be transparent

– Assert clearly what you can/can’t do, state what you are doing and why– Name what is going on– Refer to procedural guidelines, working agreements, behavioral norms

Encourage everyone to attack the problem, not the people Is anger in danger of being directed at you? Evaluate the potential for violence

Difficult behaviors (cont.)

Try to figure out what is underneath the behavior. Use simple constructive questions to stop the attack and invite more positive participation.

– Can you slow down? I want to make sure I understand what you’re saying.

– How do you want this to be recorded in the official record?

– What do you really think we should do? How could we accomplish that?

Difficult behaviors (cont.)

Accept that you cannot control everything. Don’t respond to the process or substance as personal attacks.

Don’t assume that all difficult people are alike. Some are truly “unique”, but many:

– Just want attention and recognition– Want a specific outcome and will fight to get it– Don’t know or don’t have a more constructive way to

participate.– Think they’re being helpful

Source: Bill Potapchuk, Program for Community

Problem Solving

Difficult behaviors (cont.)

Attention seeking: It does not usually cost anything to offer recognition and invite positive participation.

Fighting for an outcome: Offer a more constructive channel than fighting. Invite them into the process. Fighters and dirty fighters are best handled through a jointly acceptable process.

Being clueless: Untrained participants can be educated to become good participants much more easily than they can be suppressed.

Being “helpful”: These people could be your allies! With guidance, they can often be a real asset.

Difficult behaviors (cont.)

Escalate your interventions very deliberately and slowly, from the lightest to the heaviest.

Record Acknowledge, Refer to the Use body Take them

Concern legitimate, record, rules language to aside, talk

deal, defer or agenda suppress directly about

or isolate behavior

Ask group support to suppressSuppress with group support