boundaries and relationships

WhatWhat’’s Love Got To Do With It? s Love Got To Do With It? Boundaries and RelationshipsBoundaries and Relationships

• Dr. Louise Stanger Ed.D. LCSW, CIP

• Director All About Interventions

• Membership NII• Member at Large-AIS• Faculty SDSU

Interwork Institute

Copyright © Dr. Louise Stanger Copyright © Dr. Louise Stanger

Objectives Objectives

• Understand what is Love

• Define and Describe Boundaries

• Identify Different Types of Relationships


Objectives Objectives

• Identify Core Recovery Issues

• Determine client’s Recovery Stage

• Build a treatment plan that diminishes family fusion and triangulation against treatment providers


What is a Boundary ?What is a Boundary ?

Interaction with others -where you begin and where you end.

Limits – how far we can go with comfort in a relationship?


Historical Perspectives Of Historical Perspectives Of Boundaries Boundaries

• “An unreflecting mind is a poor roof.

Passion, like the rain

floods the house,

but if the roof is strong, there is shelter.”

• “By watching and working, the master makes for himself an island, which the flood cannot overwhelm.”


Lao-TsuLao-Tsu


Judeo-Christian Beliefs

Stresses Importance of living life as true self

Connected to God and to all living things

You do not have to stay with people who mistreat you

People, places, thoughts, feelings, & actions


What is a Relationship?What is a Relationship?Interactions with othersInteractions with others

• Friends

• Work

• Dating

• Marriage- Living Together

• Family


Family Fusion Family Fusion

• Lack of personal space

• Taking over-Controlling

• Blurred Lines • Blaming • Denying • Rescuing Faulty

Reasoning


Boundaries & Relationships Boundaries & Relationships

• Physical- Closeness- Touching

- Privacy-mail, bathroom, telephone

- Clothes

- Shelter

- Physical Differences

- Time -energy

• Emotional - Beliefs, thoughts, actions - Secrets , Rules, Action - Sexuality- Time alone

• Spirituality - Personal Experience with

Higher self- Practices- Definition of


Questions to ask yourself ?Questions to ask yourself ?1. I have difficulty saying no.

2. I feel as if my happiness depends on other people

3. I can’t make up my mind

4. It’s hard to look another person in the eye.

5. I get involved with people who hurt me

6. I trust others

7. I would rather attend to others then myself

8.Others opinions are more important then mine

• Usually

• Never or Unaware

• Seldom or Occasionally


Questions Questions

9. People take or use my things without asking me.

10. I have difficulty asking for what I want

11. I lend people money and don’t seem to get it back or people do not give it back

12. I feel ashamed

13. I would rather go along with others then express my needs

14. I feel bad for being “different” from other people.

15. I feel anxious, scared afraid


QuestionsQuestions

16. I spend my time and energy helping others

17. Its hard for me to know what I think18. I feel as if my happiness

depends on circumstances outside

myself19. I feel good20. I have a hard time

knowing what I feel

21. I get involved with the wrong folks

22. Its hard for me to make decisions

23. I get angry24. I am overly sensitive to

criticism 25. I don’t get to spend too

much time alone26. I tend to take on the

moods of those around me


More Questions More Questions 27. I have a hard time keeping a

confidence or secret.

28. I feel hurt

29. I tend to stay in

relationships that are hurting

me

30. I feel an emptiness as if

something is missing in my

life

31. I tend to get caught in the

middle of other peoples

problems

32. When someone acts up in

public, I feel embarrassed.

33. I feel Sad34. Its not easy for me to really know in my heart about relationship with Higher Power35. I tend to take on what other people are feeling or doing36. I put more into relationships then I get out of them 37. I feel responsible for other peoples feelings.38. My friends or acquaintances have a hard time keeping secrets or confidences which I tell them.


LOVE: What is it ? How does LOVE: What is it ? How does our brain respond ?our brain respond ?

• Lust – Testosterone, and in Addiction we tend to lust after something or someone

• Love- First phase this is driven by an increase in dopamine


Romantic LoveRomantic Love

• Decrease in serotonin when falling in love – so moods are highly unstable

• Wild inability to control thoughts during this stage

• Love can mimic addiction


Deep AttachmentDeep Attachment

• Hormones Vasopressin and Oxytocin are responsible for creating pleasurable sensations especially calm and security

• After the pleasure centers have calmed down we form deep attachment


Age Regression Age Regression 1. Sudden decomposition is

triggered by a hurt, usually due to a boundary violation

a. Paralyzed or passive state

b. Temper tantrum

c. Therapeutic

1. Levels of meaning a. Mistreated in the past b Mistreated in the present c. Can set firm boundaries d. I can stay or leave


Pre-Recovery Issues Triple Threats

• Substance abuse• Mental Health• Legal• Physical• Financial• Sexual • Family , Friend , Fusion

• In relationship with Harmful behaviors


So, What’s Love Got to Do With It?


Codependent Co-defendants


Recovery Issues Recovery Issues Issues Early Middle Advanced

Grieving Identify ones losses

Learning to grieve

Grieve past and present losses

Neglecting ones own needs

Realization of needs

Beginning to get needs met

Getting needs met

Being Over responsible

Identifying boundaries

Setting limits Responsible for self-clear boundaries

Low self-esteem Identify Sharing Affirming –improved SE

Control Identify Taking responsibility

Responsibility& letting go

All or none thinking

Recognize & identify

Learning there are choices

Multicolored world

Being Real Recogonize Risking being real

Being real


Recovery IssuesRecovery Issues

Issues Early Middle Advanced

Trust Trust can be helpful

Selective Trusting

Trusting appropriately

Feeling Recognizing & Identifying

Experiencing Observing & Using

Hi Tolerance inappropriate beh.

Questioning behaviors

Learning Knowing & having safe folks

Abandonment & Conflict

Recognizing & Identifying

Grieving & Resolving

Freedom From & work thru current conflicts

Giving and Receiving Love

Defining: What is love

Practicing Refining, loving self, higher power

Dependence & Independence

Identifying Learning/ Practicing

Being healthy Copyright © Dr. Louise Stanger Copyright © Dr. Louise Stanger

Dating and Early Recovery Dating and Early Recovery


Dating and Early RecoveryDating and Early Recovery

• Why is abstinence a good idea

• Ethics of dating in early recovery

• Age Regression

• Who you are today is not who you maybe tomorrow


Even Girls Even Girls

• Vulnerability

• Dating IQ

• Need for acceptance


TriangulationTriangulation


Magic wordsMagic words

• Yes

• No

• Really

• Oh

• Whatever


Tool Box For RecoveryTool Box For Recovery

• Abstinence• Peer Support• Medication• Exercise• Ritual• Good Nutrition• Professional

Consultation and Services

• National Institute of Drug Abuse


Listening Listening


Essentials For Recovery Essentials For Recovery

• Ability to deal with Distractions

• Live from Inner Life• Come to terms with

Past-Grieving• Feeling• Learn to tolerate

emotional pain• Listening Skills


Essentials For RecoveryEssentials For Recovery

• Learn to set healthy boundaries

• Learning& knowing the difference between our true and false selves

• Working through core issues

• Taking responsibility to be a co-creator

• Watch where you are hula hooping


Three Kinds of Happy LivesThree Kinds of Happy LivesMartin Seligman, 2004 - Ted TalkMartin Seligman, 2004 - Ted Talk

• Pleasant Life- find in life as many things pleasant as you can

• The life of engagement –life in work, parenting, love and leisure

• The meaningful life- knowing your highest strengths and using them to the fullest in service to something higher then yourselves


It Takes a Village It Takes a Village


All Fall UP!: Memoir coming soonAll Fall UP!: Memoir coming soon

Getting to the Heart of the Matter.Getting to the Heart of the Matter.Copyright © Dr. Louise Stanger Copyright © Dr. Louise Stanger

Resources Resources

• Boundaries and Relationships. Whitfield,Charles, Health Communications inc.

• Erikson, E. Childhood and Society . (2nd ed.), Norton, NY• Lerner, R: Boundaries for Co-dependence (Booklet 5217)

Hazelden ,Center City, , MN 1988.• Lerner, R. The Object of My affection is my reflection• The Daily Good, http://www.Dailygood.org• Post-Romantic Stress Disorder, John Bradshaw , 2014• Gorski, T Getting Love Right• Stanger, Louise –Triple Threat-Beyond Dual Diagnosis-in press• Stanger, Louise- All Fall Up – in


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