An Introduction to:Bullies to Buddies

and Victim Proofing

St. Perpetua School

Parent Education

February 18, 2010

Future Parent Education Thursday, April 22, 7:00 PM Topic: Transitions, including the transition

from St. Perpetua to high school, transitioning from elementary school to junior high (5th to 6th), transitioning to a new grade and transitioning to summer camps, activities, teams.

Agenda Can “Bullying” be Stopped? Defining “Bullies” Defining “Victims” The Need for an Additional Approach Tools for Victim-Proofing Tools for Kids Tools for Teachers (& Parents) Laughter & Resilience St. Perpetua & Bullying Prevention Closing

Can “Bullying” be Stopped?

Can “Bullying” be Stopped?

“I can guarantee that my own children will never be mean to other kids in school.”

“I am entitled to a life in which no one ever treats me in a way I don’t like.”

Vying for power is a natural occurrence within social groups, families.

“Bullying” behaviors can be lessened but it is impossible to stop these behaviors altogether

Accepting that “Bullying” Happens As adults, we can recognize there are people

in our lives who “bully” us. It may be a family member, neighbor, colleague, boss, friend or acquaintance.

Even if we think their behavior is wrong, rude or negative, we recognize we are powerless to change them/their behavior.

We understand we have to change our ways when interacting with that person.

Definition of Bullying

Academic Definition

(Part 1) Among researchers, bullying is commonly understood as aggressive behavior that: (a) is intended to cause distress or harm, (b) exists in a relationship in which there is an imbalance of power or strength and (c) is repeated over time

Academic Definition Cont. (Part 2) Bullying may involve physical action,

words, gestures, or social isolation. Although bullying may involve direct, relatively open attacks against a victim, bullying frequently is indirect, or subtle in nature: spreading rumors, enlisting a friend to assault a child State Laws and Policies to Address Bullying in

Schools, by Susan Limber and Mark Small, School Psychology Review, 2003, Volume 32, No. 3

Alternate Definition

“Bullying” is a pejorative, judgmental term for dominance or leadership behavior

“Bully” is what we call someone who is defeating us in a power struggle

“Bully” is almost always “the other person - not me”

“Bully” is whoever a victim says he is

Alternate Definition of Bullying

The behaviors defined as bullying exist in virtually all social groups and reflect the instinct for dominance. All members of a group vie for status, and there are both positive and negative ways of establishing power. The negative ways are what we call bullying.

Definition of Victim

Being a Victim

Approximately 8% of students are victims of relentless teasing and bullying. It happens regardless of race, gender, religion, social class, physical appearance, or intelligence levels.

Being a victim of constant ridicule by peers is about the worst thing that can happen to a child.

Being a Victim

Destroys self-confidence and self esteem Makes you think there is something terribly

wrong with you Makes it hard to concentrate Destroys your popularity and makes other

kids embarrassed to be your friends Is a major factor in school phobia and

truancy

Being a Victim (cont.)

Is a major cause of anxiety and depression

Is a major factor in teen suicide Is a major factor leading to adult

social/emotional problems Is the major factor leading to physical

violence in school

Victims - Important ANGER, HATRED and REVENGE are victim

behaviors, not bully behaviors We only get angry when people do things against

us. An angry person is usually a victim. We hate people or groups when we feel victimized

by them. We want revenge against people who victimize us. Information that calls anger, hatred or revenge

“bullying” traits should be checked.

The Need for an Additional Approach

What the Research Says: Psychologist Dan Olweus has done significant

work on bullying prevention. He suggests a law enforcement approach, not a psychological one: increased patrolling of school grounds, protecting victims from bullies; apprehending, investigating, interrogating, judging and punishing bullies.

These programs do not show a statistically significant reduction in bullying.

Bullies & Victims Have Similar Wants

What Bullies Want: What Victims Want

PowerRespectPopularityThe fun of driving others crazy

PowerRespectPopularityTo stop being driven crazyRevenge

We are all basically the same human beings, and have the same basic drives.

Bullies to Buddies Theory:

The anti-bullying psychology is attacking the wrong problem. The anti-bullying movement received its

impetus from Columbine and the other school shootings.

….But bullies do not commit school shootings; victims do.

It is dangerous to encourage people to feel like victims.

Bullies to Buddies Theory

Everyone needs to learn to deal with bullying.

Bullying never completely goes away - we will encounter bullies all our lives.

Heaven is the only place where bullying doesn’t exist.

If we had figured out how to eliminate bullying we would live in Utopia now.

The Real Problem:

The problem is not bullying. The real problem is not knowing how to

handle bullying.

Tools for Victim Proofing

Elements to Victim-Proofing

Establish a sensible, moral school policy towards aggression.

Teach students how to not be victims. Teach teachers about victimization: what

causes kids to become chronic victims. Teach teachers to respond effectively to

bullying between kids.

Elements to Victim-Proofing

Ensure that the school has a staff member who knows how to help victims.

Instruct parents what causes kids to be bullied.

Provide guidance for the “bully” to make sure he/she understands the established moral code of the school and his/her own behavior.

Sensible, Moral School Policy The Golden Rule:

Love thy neighbor as thyself. Treat others the way you want to be treated. Whatever is hateful to yourself, do not do to others. Be nice to people even when they are mean to you.

The Golden Rule puts me in charge: I am going to turn you into my friend even if you treat me like an enemy

Sensible, Moral School Policy

Love Your Enemy Act from love not hatred.

Turn the Other Cheek Jesus taught us this. It is a prescription for personal behavior. Act with strength.

Sensible, Moral School Policy

Education, the Highest Form of Charity Give a man a fish; you have fed him for

today. Teach a man to fish; and you have fed him for a lifetime.

“You cannot help men permanently by doing for them what they could and should do for themselves.” – Abraham Lincoln

St. Perpetua’s Handbook

Responsibilities & Rules “It is the responsibility of all students:

To obey all school policies and classroom rules To follow the prescribed course of study To respond with respect to all persons of authority To be courteous to all To respect the rights and property of others”

Zero Tolerance for Violence St. Perpetua School has a zero tolerance for violence in word, action or

pictorial depiction. Even pictures of guns, daggers, bombs, etc. will not be tolerated. Covers on books, in notebooks, doodles are not permissible. Hands, feet and all body parts are to be kept to oneself. Only appropriate words are to be spoken (even quietly). Only appropriate pictures are to be used at school.

Investigation and possible actions include: Meet with student Contact parents Conduct grade lowered Detention Suspension Expulsion Police intervention if necessary at any point.

Privacy Do not assume that action has not been taken if

the greater community, including the “victim” is not informed of the disciplinary action or outcome.

Action taken by administration, including teachers, instructional aides, the counselor or principal is considered private. Each child/family is entitled to have their disciplinary or counseling intervention be confidential.

Tools for Kids

Bullies to Buddies

Refuse to give others the power to get you mad “Nobody can make you feel inferior without

your consent.” – Eleanor Roosevelt Treat everything people tell you as the

words of your best friend (even if they sound angry and hateful)

Do not be afraid

Bullies to Buddies Do not defend yourself (defense suggests you

are in a weaker position) Do not attack If someone hurts you, just show that you are hurt;

do not get angry (sports) Do not tell on bullies* Don’t be a sore loser These behaviors must be coached, supported

and reinforced to be effective

Social Exclusion

Clique formation is a natural phenomenon Coach kids to deal with exclusion by

having the attitude: “If you don’t want to be my friend, that is perfectly OK.” (also remember to validate their feelings)

Others are much more likely to want you as a member of their group if you don’t care about being a member.

What Does B to B Look Like? Insult: “You’re so ugly, Caitlin.” Response: “Hmm, if you think I’m ugly, you

should see my brother.” or… Response: “Hmm, so that’s how you feel.”

Insult: “You aren’t fun to play with.” Response: “I guess I can see why you might

think that.” and keep moving, don’t flinch

Rumors: “Caitlin, we heard that your mom yelled at

Karen’s mom and she called her a bad word.” Response: “Do you believe it?” “I don’t know. Is it true?” Response: “You can believe it if you wish.” The point is to diffuse the power of the rumor

and make both parties equal.

Tools for Teachers ( & Parents)

“Magic Response” #1

When kids complain they were called a bad name: “Do you believe it?” Places responsibility on the shoulders of the

victim. Whether or not they are upset is determined

by the victims not the bullies. When they say the don’t believe it, they

become aware that there really is no problem.

“Magic Response” #2 To complaints of being hurt:

“Are you hurt?” If a child says “No” say, “Good, I’m glad.” If the child says, “Yes,” treat the injury. Then

discipline the child who did the hurting. When the kids acknowledge they are not hurt, they

realize there is no problem and there is nothing to get upset about.

Retaliation is lessened b/c bully isn’t necessarily involved. *

As Educators and Parents:

We are modeling behavior that shows we are in charge of our own responses.

We are not controlled by bullies and don’t believe anyone should be.

We believe in making our enemies our friends.

We are coaching kids to take the same approach.

Laughter & Resilience

Tool: Laughter

When we laugh our bodies produce endorphins that make us stronger and help us heal.

Humor is a major ingredient of resilience. Humor is necessary for happiness. Humor is necessary for success and

leadership.

Tool: Laughter

If you can’t handle jokes about yourself, you are doomed to remain in the bottom rungs of society where nobody cares enough about you to want to make fun of you.

Humor is a universal human trait. Humor is found in people all over the world

and people laugh at the same kinds of things (we laugh more at insults than compliments).

Tool: Laughter

Humor is in our genes. No one has to teach us what is funny.

A person missing a sense of humor has a very serious problem. You can earn a PhD in psychology and not

have learned a thing about humor.

Laughing at yourself shows: You realize you are not perfect; no one is. People see your imperfections better than you

do. People don’t hate you because you’re not

perfect. It’s no fun being with people who need to be

treated like they are perfect. People will like you much better if you can take and make a joke about yourself.

How St. Perpetua is Dealing with Bullying?

What is St. P’s doing?

St. Perpetua is working hard to address the social challenges that children face.

We are trying to support them, through example and empowerment, as they learn to navigate social and academic challenges.

We are teaching them to advocate for themselves and to have tools to respond to tough situations.

What is St. P’s doing? Mrs. Goodshaw, Mrs. Martindale and teachers are

meeting with students and parents individually to coach and support them (victims, bullies and bystanders).

Organizing more formal recess activities (monitored basketball, kickball, etc.).

Developing a Junior Coaches program for Jr. High students to help ref games.

Counselor-led classroom presentations/discussions on social issues like conflict resolution, bullying and victimization, and lessons on tools to cope with difficult situations (including anxiety).

What is St. P’s doing? Single-sex groups for fifth grade students to prepare them

for Jr. High. Retreat experiences for 6th and 7th grade students. Designing a Peer Mediation program for 7th and 8th grade

students to be implemented in the 2010-2011 school year.

Responding to parent and student concerns while ensuring confidentiality for individual students.

Counselor tasked with following research and best practices on school bullying and victim programs. (I welcome ideas, thoughts and information).

Closing

Closing

This is an introduction to another approach for dealing with bullying.

I believe it works in conjunction with encouraging kind and caring behavior.

Check out: www.bullies2buddies.com or let me know if you’d like more information.

What are your thoughts and comments?