working with parents welcome - day two. aims of this training to understand key principles and...

Working with Parents

Welcome - Day Two

Aims of this trainingTo understand key principles and skills of working in

partnership with parents

To understand key influences on the parent/child

relationship

To understand how parents can support the needs of

children and young people

Essential element in becoming a Care for the Family

Licensed Facilitator

What we’ve done so farReflective practice

Values, beliefs and attitudes

Identifying parents’ needs to set goals

Diversity and parenting

Early influences on the parent – child relationship

Helping improve communication skills

Programme for today 9.30 - 11.00 Managing and expressing

feelingsParenting styles

11.00 - 11.15 Coffee 11.15 - 12.45 Supporting families to

manage conflict12.45 - 1.30 Lunch 1.30 - 2.45 Promoting positive behaviour

Parenting across childhood 2.45 - 3.00 Tea 3.00 - 3.45 Reviewing goals to support

progress 4.00 - 4.30 Endings

5.2Managing and expressing feelingsLearner handbook p 54

5.2 Assessment criterionExplain strategies that will enable parents and children to express and manage feelings

Reflective log

Whoever we are and whatever age we are, we all have emotional needs

When our emotional needs are not met it is hard to cope with life effectively

Emotional Needs

When our needs are met we feel GOOD!

When our needs are not met we feel BAD!

Relationship needs

Acceptance Show that you love

me even when I get it wrong

Forgive my difficult moods or behaviour

Don’t compare me with other people

Don’t try to change me

Affection

Hug me

Smile at me

Cuddle me

Tickle my back

Playful fight

Approval Show that you are

proud of me and what I do by telling me

Speak highly of me to others

Tell me how hard I have tried

Let me know when I get things right

Attention Take an interest in

my life

Spend time with me

Follow my interests

Listen to me

Share enjoyable activities with me

Know and share my friends

Comfort Notice when things

are tough for me

Be ready with a word or a hug

Listen to and share my sadness or upset

Soothe hurt through listening and supporting

Do practical things that show you care

Look after me

Encouragement Be the person who

believes in me and is my number one fan

Encourage and motivate me when the going gets tough

Tell me about the best of me

Say “I know you will ……..I know you can”

Respect Listen to me

Show you have heard my opinion or view

Be prepared to work things out

Respect my right to some privacy

Allow me to hold different views to you

Security Be consistent

Support me

Be loyal

Be there for me

Look after me

Set fair boundaries and limits

Support Be there when my

life is difficult

Offer to help

Be prepared to go that extra mile for me

Listen to my troubles

Help me to be the person I want to be

Emotional LiteracyWhen emotional needs are not met appropriately, feelings such as sadness, anger and frustration arise.

We need to be able to express these feelings in ways that mean relationships are built up rather than pulled down.

Emotional LiteracyIt helps us understand that our emotions are linked to our thoughts and our experience.

A parent can help a child understand, for example, that her anger is linked to her sadness when her pet has died.

Naming feelingsIt doesn’t come naturally! Parents can help children recognise their feelings by noticing and naming their own feelings.

Understanding their world

Expressing feelings: ‘I’ messages

When you…

I feel…

because…

What could we do next

time…?

Learner handbook p

56

Love LanguagesPhysical touch

Words of affirmation

Quality time

Receiving gifts

Acts of service

Learner handbook p

57

5.2 Portfolio evidenceReflective log (200 words)

What is the value of parents and children expressing feelings appropriately?

What strategies could be discussed or used with parents?

How will this affect your work with parents in the future?

Learner handbook p 58

5.3Parenting StylesLearner handbook p 58

5.3 Assessment criterionAnalyse the different parenting styles in relation to child development

Completed worksheets Learner handbook p 88 - 91Reflective log

AttachmentParenting stylesSocial learning

Three key factors affecting theparent /child relationship

Stephen Scott (2004)

SocialLearningtheory

ParentingStyles

Attachment

Parenting StylesParenting style theory is based upon the

observations and research of Diana Baumrind (1967)

She identified two key aspects of parental behaviour which she called:

• ‘Responsiveness’ (nurturing)

• ‘Demandingness’ (discipline)

Two aspects ofparental behaviour

Responsiveness

warmth acceptance support

Demandingness

• expectations on behaviour

• structure

Parenting StylesThe accepted styles are:

Authoritarian

Permissive

Authoritative (Assertive)

Uninvolved (Indifferent) Maccoby & Martin (1983)

Authoritarian “Do as you’re told and don’t argue”

What is an authoritarian parent

like?

An authoritarian parent...Can be domineering and controlling

Values obedience as a virtue

Favours punitive methods

Instils attitudes such as respect for authority, work, preservation of order and traditional structure

Does not listen to or respect child’s views

Believes child should accept their word for what is right

Permissive“Do what you want but don’t get into trouble”

What is a permissi

ve parent like?

A permissive parent...Makes few demands in terms of behaviour

or chores

Does not believe in their own parental authority or responsibility

May see themselves as laid-back or child’s friend

Attempts to use reason but not overt power

May think this is a child-centred approach to parenting

May be afraid or unclear what to do when confronted with bad behaviour

Authoritative (Assertive)“Freedom within limits”

What is an

assertive parent like?

An authoritative parent ...Warm and structuredEncourages verbal give and takeShares with child the reasoning behind decisionsCan exert firm control where differences arise Recognizes own rights as an adult as well as child’s individual

interests and special waysValues the child’s qualities as they are now, but also sets

expectations on future conductUses reasoning as well as power to achieve their objectivesRealises that they sometimes get it wrong

and need to apologise

Authoritative parenting ...

and

Structured

An uninvolved parent...Maccoby & Martin (1983)

No rules

Unresponsive to needs of child

Uncaring, neglectful

Critical

Abusive

Life centred around the adult’s needs

May be involved with substance/alcohol abuse

What is an

uninvolved parent

like?

Parenting stylesParents typically have a main

parenting style

However, when parents are under stress they tend to be more authoritarian or inconsistent

These styles have been shown to have a long term impact on the growing child

Parenting style and ethnicityResearch suggests thatthe authoritative (assertive) approach to

parenting protects children and teens from adverse outcomes irrespective of culture or ethnicity

there are also important differences in parenting styles between different ethnic groups.

Learner handbook p 59

Parenting styles and context

Parents adapt how they raise their children according to the environment they are in

For example

Parents from another country adapt the way they parent to suit the new country they’re living in

(Kotchick and Forehand 2002)

Reflective practice:What’s your style?

For your reflective log:

• What style were your parents?

• What style are you?

Coffee

Please be back ready to start in 15 minutes

Parenting styles in actionIn groups of 3

Each person takes a turn to be a ParentChildObserver

• Each time act out the same situationbut use a different parenting style

Learner handbook p 88 - 91

Group workEach group uses one situation:

• A 2 year old has a tantrum in a supermarket

• A 6 year old keeps popping in and out of bed after bedtime

• An 11 year old spends hours on the computer and isn’t getting their homework done

• A 15 year old comes home much later than agreed

FeedbackFor each parenting style focus on

Parent’s behaviour and feelings during and afterwards

Child’s behaviour and feelings during and afterwards

Remember

In your own time you will need tocomplete the Uninvolved section

5.3 Portfolio evidenceWorksheets x 4 and Reflective log (200 words)

Complete the worksheets in sentence form for both parent and child.

For your reflective log:What parenting style(s) did your parents

have? What is your parenting style?How will your understanding of your own

parenting style equip you to work with parents who have a different style to your own?

Learner handbook p 61 & 88-91

5.4Supporting families to manage conflict constructivelyLearner handbook p 61

5.4 Assessment criterionExplain how families can manage conflict constructively

Reflective logFlip chart notes - photos

ConflictConflict is normal!

ConflictSome common reactions to conflict:

Fight Flight Freeze

Outcomes for children depending on how conflict is handled:

Destructively poor

Conflict accepted but not resolvedok

Constructively - resolution modelled good and restored acceptance and warmth

Bull in a China Shop

Anything for a Quiet Life

The Silent Seether

Arguments and resolution What are some common

arguments that happen between parents and children?

What might help to resolve some of these arguments?

Unhelpful ways of respondingSTOP bad habits

Four habits that people regularly fall into during times of conflict

Knowing about them:

Helps parents have a more positive relationship with their partner, family and friends.

Helps children develop skills for life

STOP - bad habitsS – scoring pointsSomething is said that sounds critical

and feels like an attack.

“You forgot to feed the hamster again.”

The first response is to fight back.

“You can talk! You always forget to clean out his cage.”

Stop! This is scoring points

STOP - bad habitsT – thinking the worstOne person unexpectedly buys another a

present. The recipient thinks:

“What have they done?”

“What do they want?”

Someone makes a cup of tea for themselves and not for their colleague. The colleague thinks:

“What have I done to upset them?”

Stop! This is thinking the worst.

STOP - bad habitsO – opting outA conversation is getting difficult or

seems to be going around in circles. One person decides they’ve had enough and walks away. They might think:

“That’s it! I can’t deal with this right now.”

Stop! This is opting out.

STOP - bad habitsP – putting downOne person can’t believe someone

else has just made the same “mistake” again. They might say:

“You’re so stupid”

“Don’t be childish”

Or maybe they roll their eyes or shake their head?

Stop! This is putting someone down.

Helpful ways of respondingStay calm

Don’t take it personally

Take time out to calm down BUT return to the issue

Notice when conflict happens and which issues cause an especially angry reaction

Try to make life less stressful

Enjoy time together as a family

The aim of negotiation

Parent’s

needs and

wishes

Young person

’s needs and

wishes

winwin

1. Stick to the main issue – don’t bring in other issues

2. Try to understand the issue from the child’s point of view

3. Say how you feel about the issue and what you would like to happen

4. Find out how they see the issue and what they would like to happen

5. Discuss the options and negotiate a win-win solution

How to negotiate

Choose your battles

Acknowledge their feelings

Discuss the issue

Talk through options

Negotiate sanctions

Be clear with expectations

Set a time to review

Problem solving: Parent and teenager

5.4 Portfolio evidenceReflective log (200 words) and photos of flip chart notes

What is your experience of conflict within a family?

How easy will it be to talk with parents about conflict?

Learner handbook p 64

Lunch

Please be back ready to start on time

6.1Promoting positive behaviourLearner handbook p 65

6.1 Assessment criterionAnalyse a range of behaviour management techniques to promote positive behaviour

Report Write about 5 different techniques1000 words and your experience of them

Discipline is positive!Discipline means TRAINING

Loving discipline is about training children to choose to do the right thing in a situation and to be responsible for their own decisions and actions

Children need boundaries to feel secure as it shows them that their parents care about them

Childish irresponsibilityor defiance?

Why do children misbehave?In small groups

Each group looking at one of the following age groups:

• Pre schoolers

• Primary / Junior

• Preteens and teens

Learned behaviour?Bandura’s (1977) Social Learning Theory proposes that social learning occurs through four stages of imitation:

close contact

imitation of superiors

understanding of concepts

role model behaviour

Learned behaviour?The theory outlines three requirements for people to learn and model behaviour:

remembering what was observed

the ability to copy the behaviour

a good reason to want to adopt the behaviour

Social Learning TheoryBandura proposed that all behaviour is learned, and therefore can be “unlearned”.

Children learn that they can often get what they want by pestering and arguing

If parents want their child’s behaviour to change, they need to start by changing their own

Social Learning TheoryMORE

Undesirable behaviour and attitudes

(more tantrums)

Desirable behaviour and attitudes

(more cooperation in future

with tidying away their toys)

REWARDING

Undesirable behaviour

and attitudes (giving in to a

tantrum)

Desirable behaviour and attitudes

(praising a child for picking up their

toys)

NOT REWARDING

Undesirable behaviour

(ignoring tantrums)

LESS

Undesirable behaviour(fewer tantrums)

Social Learning Theory

Setting loving limitsWithout a reasonable relationshipno discipline works well.

“Rules without relationship leads to rebellion.”

Josh McDowell

`1`11

Consistency – a united frontA key issue when

parenting

Different parental temperament and parenting styles may lead to inconsistency

If parents don’t give the same message, children manipulate and the adult relationship suffers

Keys to positive parentingWe offer a toolkit of strategies and techniques in our core parenting courses so that parents can choose which one will best suit their own family in their current situation

Clear expectations

When we get home please put your shoes away.

RoutinesAllow children to anticipate what will

happen next and bring security and a sense of control

Help reduce conflict as children understand what is expected for daily tasks like eating or going to bed

Teach children how to obey instructions

Social routines such as greetings, good-byes, ‘please’ and ‘thank you’ give children skills for making good relationships

As far as children

are concerned love is spelt

T I M E !

One-to-one time

The emotional bank account(or Love Tank)

We use this to help parents understand that children need to have constant positive inputs

Self-esteem can be damaged

I wish I didn’t have kids!

You stupid boy!

Stop that or I’ll smack you!

If you speak to me like that again I’ll…

Communication• How parents talk and how they listen

greatly affects the quality of the parent-child relationship

• Parents need to remember to ask themselves, “Would I like to be spoken to like this?”

Covered in detail earlier in section 5.1

Choose your battlesBy choosing to fight some battles and leave others parents will:• Avoid on-going conflict and poor

relationships

• Encourage trust and warmth in the relationship

• Teach responsibility and accountability

• Avoid feeling more worn out

Choices – a limited choice!It helps to avoid battles

and power struggles It encourages children to

take responsibility for their actions

Children who are involved in decision making are likely to feel valued and respected

Strong-willed children and teenagers tend to be more cooperative if they are given some “space” and legitimate control.

Which socks would you

like to wear?

Encouraging good behaviour -Star chartsUseful for helping pre-school and primary children to develop practical routine skills. It is important to make the ‘task’ achievable and measurable.Buy or create a chart with specific tasks on

it

Give a sticker/star as tasks are done.

A certain amount of stickers/stars awarded might provide a special treat!

RewardsRewards are a good motivator for most of us. They encourage children to swap bad habits for new good ones.

Choose a specific behaviour to rewardA reward doesn’t have to be money or

something you pay forConsider alternatives such as one-to-one

special time with mum or dad

Descriptive praiseDescriptive praise is when a parent notices and comments on specific behaviour or attitudes.Praising children is a good motivator for them to carry on behaving well. Children love to feel that they are being helpful, valued or noticed for being well behaved.

“Well done for sharing your toys with your

little sister”.

Counting one, two threeThe aim of counting is to

give the child a chance to think about whether they will be obedient or not.

Make sure parents follow through to three if necessary

Don’t count 1, 2, 2 , 2 , 2 …!

If they do as asked, praise them.

Discouraging poor behaviour -RemovalThis involves taking away

something, i.e. the child or the thing that is causing the problem.

For example: If two children are fighting over a toy, explain that they either play nicely together or you will take the toy away, and then follow through!

Use your voice in a firm but gentle manner.

DistractionWhen a child is doing something they are not supposed to or is unsafe, this allows a parent to give their child something more positive to focus on.

Planned ignoringThis is a helpful response when children are

whining or arguing

attention seeking

having a tantrum

squabbling with a sibling

Issues such as a child’s safety should never be ignored

Time outSometimes called the ‘thinking chair’

This can be useful for helping a child to calm down and reflect on their behaviour.

Withdraw them from a situation

Help them understand that their behaviour was inappropriate

Restore the relationship afterwards

Taking away privilegesWhen used as a consequence this can

help clarify and reinforce boundaries.

However, withdrawing a child from the only activity they enjoy and benefit from might prove unhelpful.

For this strategy to work the ‘object’ removed has to be something the child cares about, otherwise there is no motivation to behave differently.

Choices and consequencesThis can teach a child or young person to take responsibility for their actions as they learn that all choices have consequences.

A natural consequence is what will happen if the parent does not intervene to stop the child’s action or its result

A logical consequence is one designed by a parent

Discipline has the parent – child relationship at its centre.It includes restoring the relationship with forgiveness and reassurance.

Restoring the relationship

6.1 Portfolio evidenceReport (1000 words)

Write about 5 different techniques to promote positive behaviour.

How have you seen these techniques used?

How will this affect your work with parents in the future?

Learner handbook p 70

4.2Parenting across childhoodLearner handbook p 45

4.2 Assessment criterionAnalyse the interdependent parent-child relationship during different stages of childhood development

Written essay 1000 words

As children grow and change…When children are

babies and toddlers parents need to do so much for them

As they grow and develop parents need to do fewer things for them

Some things need to stay the same and others need to change

The parent role changes from controller to consultant

Children’s Needs

ESTEEMNEEDS

SOCIAL NEEDS

SAFETY AND SECURITY

NEEDS

PHYSICALNEEDS

SPICESAreas of child developmentS SocialP PhysicalI IntellectualCCommunication

E EmotionalS Spiritual

Ages and stages Parents will find it helpful to Recognise the changes that

take place as their children grow

Have realistic expectations of what their child might do at each stage of development

Know what their child might be moving on to next

Understand what can be done to help a child recover from experiences that have affected development

Ages and StagesIn small groups One group per age group:

• 0 years - 2 years• 3 years - 5 years• 6 years - 9 years• 10 years - 13 years• 14 years - 18 years

What is a child likely to be able to do and think in your age group? What development is taking place?

What can parents do to help?

Parenting RoleSome key elements:

Parenting Style

Knowledge of child development

Discipline strategies that are appropriate to the child’s age and development

4.2 Portfolio evidenceEssay (1000 words)Why is it helpful for parents to have an

understanding of child development?

What changes do parents need to make as children grow older and develop?

What needs to stay the same?

How will this affect your work with parents in the future?

Learner handbook p 50

Tea

Please be back ready to start in 15 minutes

2.2Reviewing goals to enable parents to progressLearner handbook p 31

2.2 Assessment criterionExplain how to review goals with parents to support and enable progress

Reflective log

Reviewing parents’ progressSome parents will already have the skills and confidence to be able to work out if family life is changing for the better

However, life can be busy and challenging and sometimes in the helter-skelter of family life there may not be time to stop and reflect.

Allow room for parents to tell their story and be heard.

Encourage them to talk about their own emotions.

Recognise and empathise with what may be painful and difficult feelings.

1. Hear the story

Helping a parent to be specific can bring a clearer perspective on the problem and offer hope that the problem is manageable.

Questions that will help this process include: What is actually happening?What is the child doing? What is the parent doing? When and

where? How often? How does each react to what’s

happening?

2. Identify the specific problem

Parent/ child/ school?

Some problems are more of an issue for the parent than the child – identifying this helps a parent choose their battles or see who has the motivation to change the situation.

Is the issue worth the arguments?

3. Who is it a problem for?

Try to help parents identify why the behaviour is happening. Is it learned behaviour, a cry for help or an unmet need or something else?

Discuss what need the child is trying to have met through this behaviour.

4. Look for reasons for the behaviour

Hidden goals behind behaviour

Revenge

Seeking attention

ExcitementThrill

Pity

Approval

Power and

control

You may need to reassure the parent that they did the best they could with the resources and information they had available at the time.

Confidence to tackle problem behaviour

can be low when a parent is faced with on-going difficulties.

5. Reassure

What would they like to see the child doing?

This may seem obvious

But being specific helps set achievable and realistic goals with a greater chance of success.

6. Identify the new behaviour the parent would like to see

7. Suggest a range of strategies

Choices and consequence

s

Spending time

together

DistractionPraise

Talk through how and when they will put the strategy in place

Act out the situation (role play) with them

Tone of voice and words used matter

8. Practise the strategy

• Has it worked?

• What factors affected the outcome?

• Does the strategy need altering?

• Do you need to form another plan?

9. Review and if necessary update the strategy

Would the parent benefit from help from more specifically experienced or trained practitioners or organisation?

What is available?

Keep an up to date file of resources, leaflet and useful websites.

10. Identify other help and support

11. Talk through future approaches

Parents can explain to their child how they can avoid getting into trouble again

It was your behaviour that I

didn’t like,

but I still love you.

Sorry

2.2 Portfolio evidenceReflective log (200 words)

How have you/will you review goals with parents in a way which supports and enables their progress?

How might you do this when working in a group? Would you do anything differently if working with an individual parent or family? Why?

How will this affect your work with parents in the future?

Learner handbook p 33

Review of todayExpressing and managing feelingsParenting Styles Supporting families to manage conflict

constructivelyPromoting positive behaviourParenting across childhoodReviewing goals to enable parents to

progress

Portfolio evidenceReflective logs 2.2, 5.2, 5.3, 5.4

Essay 4.2 Parenting across childhood

Worksheets 5.3 Parenting styles

Report 6.1 Promoting positive behaviour

Flip chart notes 5.4(photos)

Evaluation

Learner handbook p 93 - 94

Goodbyes

What will you take away from these two days of training?

We’d love to hear from youPlease let us know how you are getting on.

If you have any queries or questions please call or email us:

Email 1

Email 2

Mid course sampleWrite ONE Reflective log – 200 words

Email to:

email@cff.org.uk

email@cff.org.uk

We need to receive this by:Day and date here (next week)

AccreditationOCN Portfolio checklist Learner

handbook p 77

Specification sheets Learner handbook p 79 - 80

Tracking sheets Learner handbook p 81 - 82Fill in page numbers AFTER you have

completed ALL the work

Write in your sign it and date it on p 82Learner Comments

Learner guidance See notes at end of each section

Accreditation

Any Questions?

Portfolio submission date

Day and date here

Send to our Birmingham Office