CREATING A NETWORK OF TRUST AND CONFIDENCE AMONG PARENTS, PROGRAMS AND

CONSULTANTSBY JUDGE MASON

EDUCATIONAL CONSULTANT CERTIFIED EDUCATIONAL PLANNNER

Sharing all information I have Giving you space to make a decision No demands for special treatment for clients No demands for special treatment for me Support for your program vis a vis parents Fair and honest communication about concerns I have

about your program

Respond in a timely fashion when I send you my new client’s information

Contact the parents and do the admissions dance Take good care of my kid – ‘loving and relentless’ Name and contact info of the therapist Communicate regularly with me and parents Responding to parent requests for your ideas for the

Next Step: ‘Contact Judge; we work together with him to facilitate the best setting for your child.’

I place Svetlana, a RAD Russian adoptee, into a fairly new program whose Director I trust

Two months later, the program’s sponsor cans him and his two colleagues and brings in a new administration which is left holding the bag when 11 of 12 families bail

The former Director finds a new position, and I place Svetlana in a program nearby so he can help

3 weeks later, that program announces that it will fold; I place Svetlana in another program

2 weeks after she is accepted, both admissions and her therapist warn that they may not be able to handle her and she may have to leave

HAVE YOUR OWN CHILD GO OFF THE RAILS

Shannon calls from jail, Labor Day 2004 Holly comes home from work and implodes I put Shannon’s case onto the IECA Talklist, asking for

suggestions to go with my own Several consultants suggest I hire a consultant 34 consultants report difficulties of their own We bail Shannon out; our car is collateral for $5K I call IECA consultant Rob Meltzer; he flies in the next day and

we confer with Shannon on what she needs I count silently by tens as Rob makes his recommendations; we

make a boundary document Home equity loan; Sedona homes are good collateral After using for four days, Shannon drives herself to Passages

Shannon hikes with Beth Fogel and Mo the llama, tells her story

Holly and I start couples therapy and go to CoDA meetings Passages Graduation followed by Mirasol, Tucson AZ Mirasol Graduation followed by Dragonfly; Shannon is the

only female; Holly critical Shannon drops out of Dragonfly after 10 weeks; Shannon

says she knows she’s on her own; crisis at home Mona stays near Shannon, who starts with AA, gets a job,

pays her bills; still, each phone call could bring…?

Shannon commits to sobriety May 2006, 20 months after her arrest; AA friends and community

Rob requires Equine therapy for all four of us Holly has an ‘aha!’ moment and LETS GO OF SHANNON Shannon calls about Nursing School; Holly’s resolve is

tested Mona asks Shannon to use her 12-step skills Mona hires Shannon full time Shannon celebrates two years of sobriety

I listen [while typing] to the response ‘Tell me about your child,’ and congratulate them on having the courage to make the call

MY STATEMENTS THAT REGULARLY APPEAR IN IN THESE TALKS: It sounds as if she’s running your home What’s the scariest thing he has done? You can’t make a decision without worrying about your

child’s reaction You’re being held hostage She’s begging you to stop her; you’ve done your best to do

that, but nothing seems to work

Setting boundaries like no car, no cell phone, mean that you have to drive her and can’t reach her when you need to – they end up being boundaries for you.

He’s chosen friends like him and they all find each other’s lowest common denominator.

School is just a place to meet her friends and hang out. You’re not alone; I get two calls a week just like this one. Well, we’re good parents just like you, and here’s our story

with our daughter. You didn’t cause it and you can’t cure it. The cost of getting help that works is substantial; we spent

$93K and had to take a second on the house. Your need is to have him __________ [finish high school,

play sports, have his Bar Mitzvah]; HIS need is to begin to deal with his issues

My fee is a small part of your total cost, and for that you get my expertise and experience, and a guarantee of an effective placement

Yes, they work. They give your child the tools to take over his life and move ahead. No, there’s no guarantee of ultimate success

Is there a golden child at home? Kids like this can get into your marriage He will keep upping the ante until you stop him She’s put on a persona, her armor, to cover her soft spot

and to have control. She is determined not to let anyone inside, especially parents

You are worried about those other ‘bad’ kids in the program; their parents are worried about your kid

Basically they are white-bread kids, good kids who have lost the handle, not thugs or kids who are court-adjudicated

This is not boot camp It’s like a death, and your response mirrors the stages

you go through: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, acceptance

Let’s set up an appointment so I can meet your child and we can talk about his needs

You feel terrible, but this is an opportunity for him to grow before he becomes an adult

Add your own

Once you take me on, I am yours 24/7 through your child’s completion of the placement. I receive the

institution’s verbal and written reports, stay in touch with you, and continue to support you through the

changes in your and your family’s life.

GETTING TO KNOW YOUDISCUSSING THE NITTY GRITTY

Meeting with the child alone, asking about school, friends and home, just listening

Except in rare cases, I do not talk with her about leaving home

Confidentiality

Meeting with the parents alone, asking about school friends and home

I give them my sense of their child The goal is for the three of us to get onto the same

page about who he is and what he needs And I want them to have confidence in me that I ‘get’

their child and like and respect him

As we converse about their child, I repeat the relevant phrases from the phone call, particularly:

his needs versus your needs how the house is full of tension how difficult it is for your child, the sibs, and you how things are getting worse how he’s begging you to stop him this is his opportunity to grow

Wilderness, with explanation Therapeutic Program, with explanation Escort if necessary Long-term possibilities after therapeutic: step-down

unit, Community/Junior College with a safety net, Coach, Boarding School, coming home and the issues and costs/my fees involved – get it all onto the table!

The Mormons:1. Are squeaky clean2. Work well together3. Love kids4. Love families, want them to be together5. Are excellent therapists6. Will not proselytize your child7. Are entrepreneurial

THIS IS WHAT READINESS MEANS: A commitment to stay the course financially,

emotionally, parentally A boundary document [if the child will be 18 soon] Trusting me and the program Entering couples therapy Attending a recovery meeting Parent involvement as per the program Reading What Now by Paul Case Giving up parenting as you know it

Let the therapist and program do the work Enjoy your child as she grows Father Mason gives you permission not to coach,

advise, exhort, explain, enable, criticize LET GO of your child and your needs for him; attend to

his needs Enjoy YOUR New Life together – go out to dinner, see

a movie, rediscover the connubial couch Figure out what she’s teaching you Give up parent bla-bla

Accept that your influence on your child’s behavior and progress is limited to what is most important: BEING THERE. Period.

Accept that your child’s recovery is based not on the calendar, but on the compass in his heart

Limit your responses to him to two phrases: ‘Good job, son!’ and ‘Gosh son, sounds bad. How are you going to handle that?’

Remember my commitment – 24/7. Call me when you’re wondering what the hell you’ve done, or your child or the program has done

Parents place kids; I just recommend settings I make parents choose; my list of three or more

include programs I can trust, no ranking So far, one place always stands out when parents do

their research; I can’t predict which it will be If they want an escort, they pick from my list. I dispel

the notion that their child will hate them forever – parent needs vs kid needs

Their choices make them accountable

I get reports and call the parents each time I ask how the couples therapy, recovery meeting and

What Now are going I tell them to expect ups and downs and attempts at

manipulation by their child THE WORSE THE BETTER – if it all goes smoothly the

program isn’t doing the job The Tower of Parent Expectations – a kid’s view

Child plateau-ing, getting ‘stuck,’ feeling inaction Money [ostensibly] Parent need to protect the child – and keep her

dependent on the parent Parent needs trump kid needs Guilt exacerbated by kid’s manipulation General lack of clear boundaries, parents not willing to

stand fast Add your own!

Hit ‘em early and hit ‘em hard and often Repeat PRN – layers and layers of warnings and

exhortations, lacquer on the wood Communication between therapist and consultant

about storms brewing CMI potential by age 25 Reminder of how it was before enrolling Act like a Republican – Commies, Russians, Hippies,

WMD, Illegal Aliens – FRIGHTEN THEM! Your ideas welcome!