tools of engagement: teaching nonviolent discipline skills...

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

Tools of Engagement: Teaching Nonviolent Discipline Skills,

Mindfulness, And Moreto Parents

Dr. Michael Popkin2018 FL Child Protection

Summit, September 5-7, 2018

Beyond what NOT to do;Towards engaging parents in learning

what TO DO

Tools of Engagement:

1. Parenting Education:– Small Group courses

– Home visits

– Online learning

– Combinations of the above

Beyond what NOT to do;Towards engaging parents in learning

what TO DO

We’ve made a sort of deal with mother nature. Our children will be difficult to raise, but their capacity for learning will enhance the survivability of the species.

Jacob Bernowski,

The Accent of Man

Why Parenting Education?

1. Parenting isn’t the only influence on a child’s development, but it’s the one we can do the most about.

2. Parenting is both difficult AND important…

And potentially very rewarding.

Michael Popkin

Founder, Active Parenting Publishers

Tools to Engage parents in parenting education:

• Skills that work (sound theory, evidence of effectiveness)

• Video-based (show before tell)

• Slide support with embedded video

• Leader’s Guide and Parent’s Guide

• Experiential activity

• A climate of support, encouragement and fun.

• A leader with good facilitations skills

Tools for parents to use in engaging their children in cooperative behavior:

Skills and Attitudes

• Non-violent Discipline

• Relationship building skills

• Anger management (eg. Mindfulness)

• Communication

• Problem solving

• Brain development

• And more…

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers. All rights reserved.

To protect and prepare children

to survive and thrive

in the in which they will live.

The Purpose of Parenting

society

High Tech

Diverse

Democratic

SLIDES 3a-bLeader’s Guide: page xx

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers. All rights reserved.

Styles of Parenting

Leader’s Guide: page 40 SLIDES 16a-b

Freedom within E X P A N D I N G Limits

Doormat Active ParentDictator

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers. All rights reserved.

Extended Styles of Parenting

(Parental Control Continuum)

Neglectful Doormat Active Dictator Abusive

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Stay away from the extremes

and move towards the middle.

Too muchToo little

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers. All rights reserved.

Risk indicators in parents who abuse children

• Inappropriate Expectations of Children

• Low Level of Parental Empathy towards

children

• Strong Belief in the Value of Corporal

Punishment

• Reverses Family Roles

• Restricts Power and Independence in Children

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

Discipline Vs. Hurting

Leader’s Guide page(s): 82-83SLIDE 53A-C

“Too hard” parents sometimes

yell

curse

threaten

shake

hit or spank

= HURTING

Two-Hand Activity

1. Pairs2. A-B3. What happened when?4. What do we learn from this?

Note: Always process activities afterwards…

“Children learn from experience; adults learn from processing experiences.”

The Method of Choice

• Teaches children to use their power “within limits.”

• Teaches respect, problem solving, responsibility, cooperation

• Avoids power struggles, hurt, anger, and retaliation

• Younger kids: either A or B, you choose.

• Older kids: Open ended within limits

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

A Note about Disciplining Kids

Leader’s Guide page(s): 79SLIDE 52A-B

Children have lousy brakes.

Give them time to stop

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers.

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers. Leader’s Guide page(s): 84SLIDE 54

The stronger the bond,

the easier the discipline.

Discipline

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers. Leader’s Guide page(s): 85-86SLIDE 55A-C

Rules = Limits

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

Why do parents set rules?

Leader’s Guide page(s): 86SLIDE 56

▪ To protect children

▪ To keep children from having to make

choices they’re not ready for

▪ To get them ready for life in a world

of rules

▪ To make parenting easier and

more effective

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

The When-Then Rule

Leader’s Guide page(s): 89-91SLIDE 58A-D

Your Problem:

Getting kids to eat their vegetables

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“I know you

like to explore

things.”

“But the

refrigerator

is not for you

to play in.”

“Why don’t we

set up a special

drawer.”

A-C-T:

Leader’s Guide page(s): 92-95SLIDE 59A-E

Accept the child’s feelings.

Communicate the

rule or limit.

Target a positive

choice.

A:

C:

T:

The ACT Method

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

“I know you

like to explore

things.”

“But the

refrigerator

is not for you

to play in.”

“Why don’t we

set up a special

drawer.”

A-C-T:

Leader’s Guide page(s): 92-95SLIDE 59A-E

Accept the child’s feelings.

Communicate the

rule or limit.

Target a positive

choice.

A:

C:

T:

The ACT Method

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

1. Get eye to eye with the child.

2. Point or move to the positive

choice.

3. If necessary, move the child

(staying firm and friendly).

Actions, Not Words

Leader’s Guide page(s): 95SLIDE 60

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers.

Use your temper. Don’t lose your temper.

Anger: For Better of for Worse

Leader’s Guide: page 168 SLIDE 70

Anger can be useful!

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers.

Using Anger Positively

Leader’s Guide: page 169 SLIDE 71

1. Acknowledge your anger

early.

2. Pause and think about what

is triggering it.

3. Act to self-calm

4. Act to solve the problem.

…or…

Act to change your thinking

about the problem.

DO THINK

EVENT

FEEL

PAUSE

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers.

Helping Your Child Use Anger Positively

Leader’s Guide: page 170 SLIDE 72

▪ Be a good role model.

▪ Teach acceptable ways to express anger.

▪ Use the FLAC method.

▪ Take your sails out of your child’s wind.

▪ Teach self-calming techniques.

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

Introduction to Mindfulness

Leader’s Guide page(s): 44SLIDE 27

Mindfulness is:

▪ Paying attention

▪ Fully

▪ In the present moment

▪ On purpose

It helps us:

▪ Calm down by moving

THROUGH strong feelings.

▪ Manage stress.

▪ Stay present – in

relationships and in life.

▪ Be better parents! (Children benefit

from being with us at OUR BEST!)

MINDFUL

MOMENT

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

The Mind Jar

Leader’s Guide page(s): 45SLIDE 28

Let’s start with the MIND JAR.

▪ Imagine that the jar

represents our minds.

▪ Right now it is in a relaxed,

calm state.

▪ But at times, daily life as

a parent can be pretty

stressful.

MINDFUL

MOMENT

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

The Mind Jar

Leader’s Guide page(s): 46SLIDE 29

When the liquid is

stirred up…

▪ How does the jar look?

▪ These are the thoughts

and distractions that

stress us.

MINDFUL

MOMENT

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers.

The Mind Jar

Leader’s Guide page(s): 46SLIDE 30

Bringing your attention back to the room:

▪ How does the mind jar look now?

▪ All those thoughts and feelings are still there.

▪ But they rest at the bottom.

▪ You may choose which to think about – one at a time, if you like!

MINDFUL

MOMENT

© 2017 Active Parenting Publishers. Leader’s Guide page(s): 74SLIDE 48

Butterfly

Breath

MINDFUL MOMENT

Relaxation & Breathing

Techniques

Windy

Woods

Balloon

Breath

© 2014 Active Parenting Publishers.

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Come by our booth between nowAnd

12:30 PM

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www.activeparenting.com