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Navigating the Difficult Conversations Epsilon Sigma Phi Conference

October 7, 2014

Nate Arnett, Dr. Jeff King, Kayla Oberstadt

Why this topic?

60 – 80% of difficulties in organizations stem from strained

relationships

Managers spend 30-40% of time dealing with workplace conflicts –

that’s 1-2 days each week!

Workshop Objectives

• Learn how to approach difficult conversations and navigate

them successfully.

• Gain strategies in confronting work-related conversations.

• Develop a personal understanding and evaluation of self when

facing a difficult conversation.

• When you leave this session, you will be ready to have “the”

difficult conversation facing you.

Your Thoughts on Difficult Conversations

• What are examples of difficult conversations?

• What makes them difficult?

Structure for Our Conversation Today

• Evaluate

• Prepare

• Navigate

• Build the Culture

Structure for Our Conversation Today

• Evaluate

• Prepare

• Navigate

• Build the Culture

What Makes a Conversation Difficult?

DIFFICULT

CONVERSATIONS

Hard to Read

Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.

Combat Mentality

• Treats conversation like a battlefield

• Fight or flight response

• Results in winners and losers

Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.

Emotional Loads

• Carry heavier emotional loads • Anger

• Embarrassment

• Anxiety

• Fear

• Our emotions get in the way

• Two way street

Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.

Hard to Read

• What is happening may be masked by:

• Perceived intentions (yours and theirs)

• Misconceptions based on our own/their perspective

Weeks, H. (2010). Failure to Communicate. Boston: Harvard Business Press.

What is often the question related

to the picture below?

How Much Does the

Glass Weigh?

“We cannot solve our problems with the same thinking we used when

we created them.” – Albert Einstein

Structure for Our Conversation Today

Evaluate

• Prepare

• Navigate

• Build the Culture

Prepare for the Conversation

• Ask yourself:

• What is the purpose for having the conversation?

• What would be an ideal outcome?

• What “buttons” of yours are being pushed?

• How have you contributed to the problem? How have they?

Ringer, J. We have to talk: A step-by-step checklist for having difficult conversations.

The “What” and the “How” of Engaging in

Difficult Conversations

What to include:

• What you want and what

you don’t want

How to get there:

• Initiate conversation

• Meaningful sharing

• Open expressions

• Problem Solving

• Identify a Solution

What Do I Want?

• What do “I” want?

• I want to let Tom know that there have been concerns

with his ability to work within his department.

• I want Amy’s reports to get done on time.

• What don’t “I” want?

• I don’t want Tom to feel that this is a personal attack.

• I don’t want to offend Amy on the quality of work she

does.

“Both/And” Philosophy

• Leading at a higher level

• Development of people is of equal importance to

performance

• Achieving results while acting with respect, care,

and fairness of all involved in the situation

Blanchard, K. (2007). Leading at a higher level. Blanchard Management Corporation.

What do I WANT from the situation?

What do I NOT want from the situation?

A

N

D

Use the “Both/And” method

A

N

D

What have you just created?

A goal/purpose of the conversation!

What do I WANT from the situation?

What do I NOT want from the situation?

I want to let

Tom know that

there have

been concerns

in his ability to

work within his

department.

A

N

D

I don’t want Tom

to feel this is a

personal attack.

What do I WANT from the situation?

What do I NOT want from the situation?

I want Amy’s

reports to get

done on time.

A

N

D

I don’t want to

offend Amy on

the quality of

work she does.

What Do I Want?

• Search for “Both/And”

• What do “I” want?

• I want both to let Tom know that there have been concerns

with his ability to work within his department, and I don’t

want Tom to feel this is a personal attack.

• I want both Amy’s reports to get done on time, and I don’t

want to offend Amy on the quality of work she does.

What do I WANT from the situation?

What do I NOT want from the situation?

A

N

D

Other Considerations

• Time

• Place

Structure for Our Conversation Today

Evaluate

Prepare

• Navigate

• Build the Culture

The “What” and the “How” of Engaging in

Difficult Conversations

What to include:

• What you want and what

you don’t want

How to get there:

• Initiate conversation

• Meaningful sharing

• Open expressions

• Problem Solving

• Identify a Solution

1. Initiating the Conversation

• “I have something I’d like to discuss with you that I think

will help us work together more effectively.”

• “I’d like to talk about ________ with you, but first I’d like to

get your point of view.”

• “I need your help to understand what just happened. Do

you have a few minutes to talk?”

• “I’d like to talk about ________. I think we may have

different ideas on how to _______.”

Ringer, J. We have to talk: A step-by-step checklist for having difficult conversations.

2. Meaningful Sharing

Runde, C, & Flanagan, T., (2010). Developing your conflict competence. P. 80-87

• Focus on Content

• Summarize frequently

• Check for understanding

• Ask questions related to content

• Demonstrate your understanding

• Focus on Emotion

• Identify emotions

• Understand source of emotions

Levels of Listening

non-listening

to agree/disagree

to tell my story

for how it applies to me

listening to understand

• entire message

• beyond the words

©1994-2008 Senn-Delaney Leadership Consulting Group, LLC..

3. Open Expressions

Runde, C, & Flanagan, T., (2010). Developing your conflict competence. P. 91-93

• Weakness versus strength

• Many people conceal their true feelings or thoughts

from conflict partners and even deny them.

• After initially discussing your feelings regarding a

situation, you ask, “Is everything okay now?”

Response: “Everything is fine.” …Is it really?

• Assumption: “They already know how I feel.”

Mood Elevator grateful

wise, insightful

creative, innovative

resourceful

hopeful, optimistic

appreciative, compassionate

patient, understanding

sense of humor

flexible, adaptive, cooperative

curious, interested impatient, frustrated

irritated, bothered

worried, anxious

defensive, insecure

judgmental, blaming

self-righteous

stressed, burned-out

angry, hostile

depressed

up

down

Senn, L. & Hart J. (2009). Winning teams – winning cultures. Senn-Delaney.

4. Problem Solving

• Collaborating to create solutions

• Adapting

• Reflective Thinking

• Creating Solutions

Runde, C, & Flanagan, T., (2010). Developing your conflict competence. P. 94-105

5. Identify A Solution

• Move to action

• Clear and specific commitment

• Who will do what, and by when

• Plan a follow-up conversation

• Ask the individual to explain what they would

like to accomplish before meeting again.

McMillan, R. (2010). Difficult employees: How can you work with them? Leadership

Excellence. Grote, D. Tips for Having Difficult Conversations in Harvard Business Review

http://hbr.org/web/management-tip/tips-on-having-difficult-conversations

The “What” and the “How” of Engaging in

Difficult Conversations

What to include:

• What you want and what

you don’t want

How to get there:

• Initiate conversation

• Meaningful sharing

• Open expressions

• Problem Solving

• Identify a Solution

Structure for Our Conversation Today

Evaluate

Prepare

Navigate

• Build the Culture

Build a Conflict Competent Culture

• Share the Journey

• Practice

• Common Language

• Teach

Thank you for joining us today!

Wishing you the best in

Navigating Difficult Conversations

arnett.67@osu.edu king.20@osu.edu