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Developing your emotional intelligence

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WORKBOOK

Developing your emotional intelligencewww.everywoman.com i

CONTENTSAbout this workbook 1

Why you need emotional intelligence 3

What is your emotional intelligence quotient? 10

The five components of EQ and how to develop them 14The five components of EQ 15Self-awareness 19Self-regulation 25Motivation 31Empathy 37Social skill 43

Three common workplace emotions and how to 49 manage them Frustration 51Worry 53Anger 55

Your personal action plan 57

everywoman experts 59Further reading 60

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ABOUT THIS WORKBOOKEstablished in 1999, everywoman advances women in business. Our aim is to ensure women from all over the world fulfil their potential. We produce workbooks on topics that matter most to our members, and we’re constantly listening to your views to give you the tools you need to kick-start your career, at a time and place that suits you.

Are you emotionally intelligent? You might be embarking on this workbook because you want to put your emotional intelligence to the test. Or you might be unsure exactly what it means to be emotionally intelligent, but are aware that as a much-discussed and critical leadership skill, it is something you must develop if you are to be successful at work.

If you aspire to a leadership role, this workbook will arm you with the knowledge you need to start developing your emotional intelligence, or EQ, now.

Becoming more emotionally intelligent isn’t just about achieving your long-term goals. Good listening abilities, a cool head in a crisis, good management of constructive critic-ism, self-confidence in critical situations and a strong sense of self are just a few of the essential career skills associated with high emotional intelligence. No wonder that workers with high EQ are far more likely to get a promotion than those with high IQ alone.

The components of your emotional intelligence quotient (EQ) defined by American psychologist Daniel Goleman in 1995.

1. Self-awareness: the ability to “know thyself”2. Self-regulation: the ability to control your emotions3. Motivation: understanding what drives you, beyond a need to

make a living4. Empathy: seeing things from someone else’s point of view5. Social skills: channelling skills 1-4 through top class

communication


Furthermore, a whole raft of studies from the worlds of business and psychology conclude that people with higher EQ have stronger relationships, are more in demand by employers, better manage the stresses of working life, and are generally happier, mentally healthier individuals.

As you progress through this workbook, you’ll discover both the theory of EQ, and practical hints and tips for how you can implement the components of self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills in your daily performance. For inspiration, you’ll hear from a businesswoman whose EQ practice had been acknowledged by prestigious awards, on how she’s consciously developed her own emotional intelligence through her successful career in banking.

The evidence shows that leaders with low emotional intelligence are destined not only to be far less successful in business, but also more likely to suffer relationship problems or mental health issues. It’s facts like these which make EQ – often dismissed as a soft skill – seem much less a ‘nice to have’ and far more a ‘must have’.

Let us know how you get on! Email [email protected] with your experiences.

Karen, Max & the everywoman team

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PART 1Why you need emotional

intelligence


The term ‘emotional intelligence’ was coined in 1990 by two Yale academics. The psychology world debated whether emotional intelligence – “the ability to recognise one’s own and other people’s emotions, to discriminate between different feelings and label them appropriately, and to use emotional information to guide thinking and behaviour”1 – is an inherent characteristic an individual either possesses or does not possess, or something that can be learned.More than a decade later, American psychologist Daniel Goleman published his seminal work Emotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ (see further reading), in which he drew concrete links between emotional intelligence and the business world, specifically leadership. In it, he claimed that emotional intelligence accounts for 67% of the abilities deemed necessary for superior performance in businesses – mattering twice as much as IQ and technical skills.

While emotional intelligence is tricky to quantify, it’s certainly easy to spot when someone has it in abundance. You might hear them being spoken of or experience them yourself as:

• Good listeners• Always knowing the right thing to say at the right time• Remaining calm in a crisis• Keeping a cool head even when they’re stressed or angry• Articulating their emotions well• As at ease making decisions based on intuition as they are on hard facts and data• Intuitively sensing the emotional needs of others• Taking criticism well and using it as impetus for learning and growth• Someone people turn to in a crisis• Popular members of a team• Thriving during tough times• Entering negotiations or conflicts with an air of calm and self-confidence• Acknowledging when they are nervous, angry, fearful or anxious, without

allowing those emotions to control them or their behaviour• Displaying tact and diplomacy in critical situations• Making others feel good about themselves

WHY YOU NEED EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE


• Happier, more optimistic and hopeful even in bleak circumstances• Having extensive networks and a genuine interest in others

It’s clear to see why such skills are necessary at every stage of your career, but they are of particular import to those who aspire to grow in seniority.

The Harvard Business Reviews says: “You can be a successful leader without much emotional intelligence if you’re extremely lucky and you’ve got everything else going for you: booming markets, bumbling competitors, and clueless higher-ups. If you’re incredibly smart, you can cover for an absence of emotional intelligence until things get tough for the business. But at that point, you won’t have built up the social capital needed to pull the best out of people under tremendous pressure. The art of sustained leadership is getting others to produce superior work, and high IQ alone is insufficient to that task.2”

Having emotional intelligence in the earlier stages of your career enables you to be seen as future leadership material. And as you progress, it will ensure you foster quality relationships among a wide network and better weather the storm of stressful occasions. There is also evidence to suggest you’ll be happier for it too: Studies have shown that people with high EQ have greater mental health, are happier and have better marital relationships.

Additionally, as more and more organisations look to use EQ testing in their hiring processes (75% of employers say they value EQ over IQ when it comes to promoting internally3), the question of whether you need to develop your emotional intelligence might be better phrased: can you afford not to?

“Emotional intelligence is what our grandparents called wisdom.”

US businessman, Bill Bonnstetter

Goleman was more explicit: “Without [EQ] a person can have the best training in the world, an incisive, analytical mind, and an endless supply of smart ideas, but [he/she] still won’t make a great leader.”

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The neuroscience of EQ

The skills associated with emotional intelligence are based in the brain’s limbic areas. Skills based in this brain region are learned through motivation, extended practice, and feedback (more on this later). IQ skills, on the other hand, are based in the neocortex, which governs analytical and technical ability. The neocortex grasps concepts quickly; this part of the brain, for instance, can figure out from reading a book on how to use a computer program, or the basics of making a sales call.

On the other hand, the limbic brain is a much slower learner, particularly when the challenge is to relearn deeply ingrained habits. This difference matters immensely when trying to improve leadership skills. Re-educating the emotional brain for leadership learning therefore requires a different model from what works for the thinking brain. It needs a lot of practice and repetition.

Adapted from: EQ-HR: The Center For Emotional Intelligence & Human Relations Skills4

Are women more emotionally intelligent than men?

Yes, and Yes and No. Some measures suggest women are on average better than men at some forms of empathy, and men do better than women when it comes to managing distressing emotions.

Whenever you talk about such gender differences in behaviour, you are referring to two different bell curves, one for men and one for women, that largely overlap. What this means is that any given man might be as good or better as any woman at empathy, and a woman as good as or better than a specific man at handling upsets.

Neuroscientists tell us one key to empathy (one component of emotional intelligence) is a brain region called the insula, which senses signals from our whole body. When

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you’re empathising with someone, your brain mimics what that person feels, and the insula reads that pattern and tells us what that feeling is.

Here’s where women differ from men. If the other person is upset, or the emotions are disturbing, women’s brains tend to stay with those feelings. But men’s brains do something else: they sense the feelings for a moment, then tune out of the emotions and switch to other brain areas that try to solve the problem that’s creating the disturbance.

Neither is better — both have advantages. The male tune-out works well when there’s a need to insulate yourself against distress so you can stay calm while others around you are falling apart — and focus on finding a solution to an urgent problem. And the female tendency to stay tuned in helps enormously to nurture and support others in emotionally trying circumstances.

When you only look at the stars — leaders in the top ten percent of business performance — gender differences in emotional intelligence abilities wash out: the men are as good as the women, the women as good as the men, across the board.

That echoes a discovery by scientists who study primates. When a chimp sees another chimp who is upset, say from an injury, she mimics the distress, a way of showing empathy. Some chimps will then go over and give some solace to the upset chimp, for example, stroking the other to help it calm down. Female chimps do this more often than male chimps do — with one intriguing exception: the alpha

males, the troupe leaders, give solace even more often than do female chimps. In nature’s design, leaders, it seems, need a large dose of empathic concern.Adapted from danielgoleman.info/are-women-more-emotionally-intelligent-than-men/


EQ: A soft skill?

Daniel Goleman’s work took the thinking around emotional intelligence in business from a ‘nice to have’ to a ‘must have’. Sometimes EQ is dismissed as a soft skill, but Goleman himself and countless studies and psychology papers have since presented evidence to show that there is a very real link between high emotional intelligence and tangible business success.

• In a study with naval officers, emotional intelligence proved to be more powerful at predicting leadership efficacy than either IQ or managerial competence.

• After supervisors in a manufacturing plant received training in emotional competencies, lost-time accidents were reduced by 50%, formal grievances were reduced from an average of 15 per year to three per year, and the plant exceeded productivity goals by $250,000.

• At L’Oreal, salespeople trained in emotional intelligence had a 63% lower staff turnover than others.

• Companies implementing EQ earn 32% higher scores on leadership.

• According to IBM’s 2012 survey, over 1700 CEOs say their two top needs are collaboration and connecting with customers — these are both driven by emotional intelligence

• Restaurant managers with higher EQ create 34% greater annual profit growth, increased guest satisfaction and higher employee retention.

• In one of McDonalds’ suppliers in Europe, almost half of managers’ performance (47%) is predicted just by emotional intelligence scores.

• Of the leaders surveyed in a HayGroup survey with high emotional self-awareness, 92% created positive workplace climates.

• Higher EQ scores predict higher performance in ethics.

Source: Six Seconds (The Case For Emotional Intelligence)


Can EQ be learned?

In response to the question of whether EQ can be learned, Goleman was unequivocal that it can be. He presented in his book research which suggests EQ is something that develops with maturity. Subsequent research has shown however, that the relationship between EQ and age is very slight – meaning there while a slight majority of older people are higher in EQ, there are many young people who outperform their elders when it comes to making wiser, more principled decisions and self-management5.

Goleman did, however, have a word of caution for those looking to up EQ.

“It’s important to emphasise that building one’s emotional intelligence cannot — will not — happen without sincere desire and concerted effort. A brief seminar won’t help; nor can one buy a how-to manual. It is much harder to learn to empathise — to internalise empathy as a natural response to people — than it is to become adept at regression analysis. But it can be done.

“Nothing great was ever achieved without enthusiasm,” wrote Ralph Waldo Emerson. If your goal is to become a real leader, these words can serve as a guidepost in your efforts to develop high emotional intelligence.”

He did though reveal that when it comes to EQ, the key to success is: motivation, extended practice, feedback. That is, digging deep to understand the personal gains of developing each facet of emotional intelligence, putting EQ to use on a regular and consistent basis, and learning from the feedback of others. The latter point is an important one, put into simplistic terms by the Harvard Business Review: “We may not have a very accurate idea of how smart we are, but our notion of how nice we are is even less accurate.”6

As you progress through each of Goleman’s five components of emotional intelligence, we’ll refer back to his ‘motivation, extended practice, feedback’ mantra, encouraging you to examine the impact this skill could have on your personal circumstances, how you can begin to put such skills to use on a consistent basis, and how you can measure your success.

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WHAT’S YOUR EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCE QUOTIENT?

The quiz below draws on key thinking around emotional intelligence and its hallmarks, including Daniel Goleman’s research on EQ and the Toronto Empathy Scale. When deciding whether each statement is a lot like you, a bit like you or not at all like you, consider the evidence to back up your assertion, or what others might answer for you.

A lot like me

A bit like me

Not at all like me

1 I can recognise and articulate my emotions as I experience them.

5 3 0

2 I am known as a hot head who can fly off the handle when frustrated.

0 3 5

3 I enjoy setting realistic goals and review them regularly.

5 3 0

4 When someone else is feeling excited, I tend to get excited too

5 3 0

5 I get a kick out of connecting disparate individuals from my network.

5 3 0

6 I welcome constructive feedback from others as a way to improve.

5 3 0

7 I struggle to soothe myself down when I’m angry or upset.

0 3 5

8 I prefer immediate or short-term gains to longer-term goal planning.

0 3 5

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9 It upsets me to see someone being treated disrespectfully

5 3 0

10 I dislike organising groups. 0 3 5

11 I’m not always entirely clear on my own personal strengths and weaknesses.

0 3 5

12 My negative emotions can linger, making it difficult to move on.

0 3 5

13 I get personal satisfaction from doing something well, even when others don’t notice.

5 3 0

14 I get a strong urge to help when I see someone who is upset

5 3 0

15 I avoid confrontation and back away from conflict situations.

0 3 5

16 I prefer not to dwell on negative emotions; it’s better to put them out of mind and move on.

0 3 5

17 Others describe me as being a calming influence in volatile situations.

5 3 0

18 Where processes are concerned, I take an ‘if it isn’t broken, don’t fix it’ approach.

0 3 5

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19 I become irritated when I see someone cry

0 3 5

20 It takes me a long time to build rapport with a new colleague.

0 3 5

21 I would hesitate to ask my boss for help in case they thought I was not up to the job.

0 3 5

22 I say or do things when upset that I know I’ll regret later.

0 3 5

23 The more concrete the target, the more determined I am to hit it.

5 3 0

24 I do not feel sympathy for people who cause their own serious illnesses

0 3 5

25 I see the value in getting to know individuals outside my immediate working environment.

5 3 0

Scoring: total up your scores. There is a total of 125 points available.


YOUR RESULTSIn many cases, these will be self-explanatory. A low score (less than 50) demonstrates that you need to do some work to develop your emotional intelligence.

If you’re somewhere in the middle (between 50 and 75), or you’re surprised that your score is lower than expected, it might be that you are emotionally intelligent in some areas, but are lacking in one or more of the five components. As you read through each of the five pillars of EQ, you’ll learn which quiz questions they relate to, and where you might need to shine a particular light on your emotional intelligence to bring it in line with your existing EQ skills.

A higher score (over 75) indicates that you are naturally emotionally intelligent, in which case the deeper analysis of the five components of EQ you’ll read about next will help you to develop those skills on a more conscious level.

You may find it useful to come back to this quiz at regular intervals, looking for tangible evidence of where you have been able to convert a ‘not at all like me’ response to a ‘a lot like me’, or vice versa.

< 50

50 - 75

> 70


PART 2The five components of emotional intelligence


THE FIVE COMPONENTS OF EMOTIONAL INTELLIGENCEThe five components, as outlined by Daniel Goleman’s framework for emotional intelligence are: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy and social skills. The first three skills relate to self-management, that is how you control your own emotions. The last two look at how you relate to others. Before you dive into the theory of each component in turn, a word on how you can apply this knowledge to the development of your own emotional intelligence: Goleman’s mantra for how you increase your EQ in the limbic brain region is:

Motivation; extended practice; feedback.

What does this mean? Well, motivation in this context refers to your key driver for becoming more proficient in each component of EQ. So understanding why you want to become more self-aware. How will better self-regulation benefit your career? In what ways will increased motivation enable you to develop? What impact will extended empathy have on your work-life? And how will working on your social skills get you where you want to be?

As you’ve already discovered, the neocortex, where your IQ skills are housed can convert facts learned into instant knowledge. But the limbic system governing your EQ requires more sustained effort, or, extended practice. You’ll need to make a plan of action to ensure that you regularly put the time in to consciously and consistently develop each facet of emotional intelligence.

And finally feedback. Self-assessment is less possible when it comes to EQ than it is when, say, you’re analysing your own improvement in a particular knowledge area or an on-the-job skill. But measuring your own ability to relate well to others or manage your own emotions is more challenging. That’s where the feedback of others will be critical for your practice.

“Self-control, zeal and persistence are the main features of every successful story.”

Daniel Goleman


In order to help you understand how motivation, extended practice, and feedback can each play a part on a practical level in your career, we’ve spoken to a woman whose emotional intelligence has helped her reach the top of her game. As one of the few female leaders in the male-dominated world of banking, Deanna Oppenheimer (former Head of Barclays UK) found emotional intelligence to be one of the most important qualities she brought to her leadership tenure.

She has been recognised by numerous business awards (including Britain’s Business Communicator of the Year 2007) and is currently nominated for 2015’s Inspiring Leadership Trust’s Inspiring CEO award in the category ‘emotional intelligence’.

On motivation

I like solving problems, being challenged with something new. But I don’t like doing that in a vacuum; I much prefer having people around. I also like connecting people and enjoy making introductions, which works so well in my current role where I connect start ups with investors.

My emotional intelligence has been a huge advantage in my problem solving and role as a connector. A definite alpha male thing happens when a lot of alpha male type men and women get in a room together. When you dial up your EQ, you become less threatening and as a result you get a lot more traction from a negotiation or a difficult conversation. Reading body language and facial expressions is a bit like learning a foreign language, and I don’t believe it’s a soft skill at all. In fact, it’s crucial you get

Checklist:

Discover your ‘motivation’ by:

P Considering what areas of work energise or excite you (for Deanna it’s solving problems and teamwork)

P Thinking about the ways in which you enjoy being perceived at work (in Deanna’s case, as a connector and a great arbitrator)


it right. It allows you to get through critical situations unscathed, diffuse chaotic atmospheres before they become insurmountable challenges, and if you’re lucky, make it possible for others who are perhaps too scared to speak up to have their say too.

On extended practice

I have always been good at reading people and putting myself in someone else’s shoes – every since I was a child in fact. But in my early career, I’d say I was “unconsciously competent” with those skills. As I went through various courses and training and real interaction with people I became more consciously competent: understanding what works and what does not work in real life situations with real people.

In a volatile situation the first thing I do is sit back and assess the situation. In my early career, a mentor said to me: “You can sit there and let people wonder what you know, or you can open your mouth and remove all doubt.” But I’ve found that in a strange dynamic where you’re feeling unsure, sitting back and observing the verbal and the non verbal clues is a good thing to do. That’s when you can suss out if something’s not quite right.

I do a lot of meditation. It helps to frame the moment. I can breathe and calm down and find some control over whatever’s going on. You can definitely practise those skills.

Checklist:

Discover your ‘extended practice’ by:

P Becoming more conscious of the facets of emotional intelligence you already perform well in, looking for further ways to develop

P Constantly evaluating your development: what is working well and what isn’t working so well?


On feedback

From mentors: One early boss told me I was really great in sales situations because I am so confident with speaking up, but he made me think not just abut my delivery but how I could deliver them with more punch and clarity. With self-awareness and practice I got much better at making my point in a way which made it easier for others to grasp.

From direct reports: When you can be the boss and be completely filled with gratitude for what your employees do, appreciative and understanding of their roles, they will follow you out of inspiration and that is way more powerful than being an authoritative or bullying leader. When people relate to you, that’s when you get ordinary people doing extraordinary things.

From external recognition: In my early days at Barclays there was a whistle-blower incident. It happened while I was on a tour of call centres, meeting teams for the first time. Emotionally it was a difficult

time for me but my main concern was for the thousands of employees whose roles had been brought into disrepute. I stood on stage and told the teams that the problems that had been unearthed in the press were absolutely not their fault – they were the fault of us in head office. And that given what they’d achieved while having to jump through all the hoops we made them jump through, I couldn’t wait to see what they were capable of once we’d made things easier for them. Employee engagement scores improved drastically during a critical period in the bank and as a result I won Britain’s Best Business Communicator Award.

Checklist: Elicit ‘feedback’ by:

P Establishing your personal advisory board: Whose feedback matters to you? Who do you trust? Whose opinion will make a difference, be useful or add a completely fresh perspective?

P Being as specific as possible with your personal advisory board about the feedback you need. The more specific you are, the more meaningful the feedback will be.


1. SELF-AWARENESSThe importance of self-awareness is much older than the definition of EQ. In fact, ancient Greek philosophers wrote of the importance to “know thyself”. And in today’s business world, those who lack self-awareness rarely win friends or influence people.

Daniel Goleman introduced this aspect of EQ as follows: “Self-awareness means having a deep understanding of one’s emotions, strengths, weaknesses, needs, and drives.”

Goleman warned that self-awareness is often wrongly perceived as a “fluffy” or a “nice to have” business skill. But anyone who’s been on the receiving end of a blundering boss or a colleague oblivious to his or her impact on others will disagree. As the adage goes: “People don’t leave companies, they leave bad bosses.”

Before you go on to discover the hallmarks of self-awareness and how

high or low self-awareness plays out in common business situations,

look back at your quiz scores (out of 25) for questions 1, 6, 11, 16 and

21, which relate specifically to self-awareness. If you scored particularly

low in this area, pay particular attention to this facet of EQ, coming

back to the exercises in this section at regular intervals in your

extended practice.


Hallmarks of a self-aware person

High self-awareness example

Low self-awareness example

You recognise how your feelings affect you, others and your job performance.

You know that you get more and more stressed as a deadline approaches, so you plan your time accordingly.

You find yourself repeatedly side-tracked by a colleague’s irritating behaviour.

You’re aware of your moods as you experience them.

You notice the physical impacts on your body as a stressful meeting approaches, or how light on your feet you feel after receiving some glowing feedback.

You don’t notice that you’re in a bad temper until a colleague calls out your facial expression or body language.

You have a good grasp of your own values and goals.

When faced with a new opportunity you can evaluate its merits based on how it fits with your long-term ambitions.

You accept a job offer because it offers more money but further down the line you realise it doesn’t fit with your long-term goals.

You are honest and candid about your feelings with regards to work.

You can calmly express your disappointment at not receiving a promotion and ask for leniency while you deal with your feelings.

You struggle to articulate your feelings beyond broad brushstrokes: i.e. positive, negative, happy or sad.


You know your own strengths and weaknesses.

In a job interview you can candidly discuss both past successes and past failures with total honesty.

You prefer to avoid considering your failures and do not accept constructive criticism well.

You seek balanced feedback (for example, in a performance review or project wash-up).

You ask your boss to elaborate on your weaknesses because it gives you opportunities to learn and grow.

You take feedback personally, often taking a long time to recover from the perceived threat of failure.

You know when to ask for help.

You avoid overstretching yourself and have a good grasp of both your own capabilities and your own limitations.

You take on a stretch assignment and find yourself out of depth, but feel too afraid or embarrassed to ask for additional resources.

You play to your own strengths.

As the most junior person in the room, you know when to sit back and listen, and when you can offer real value by speaking up.

You speak up as often as possible, even when you’ve little to add; it’s your strategy for remaining ‘visible’.

Over to you: In the spaces on the next page, outline a concrete example of how you have exemplified, or otherwise, each hallmark of self-awareness. Try to be as honest as possible, and if you can think of both high or low self-awareness examples to illustrate each point, note those too. After all, acknowledgement of limitations and weaknesses is a key identifier of self-awareness so you’ll be taking an important stride forward by acknowledging where you might be falling short.


Hallmarks of a self-aware person Personal examples of high or low self-awareness in your working life

You recognise how your feelings affect you, others and your job performance.

You’re aware of your moods as you experience them.

You have a good grasp of your own values and goals.

You are honest and candid about your feelings with regards to work.

You know your own strengths and weaknesses.

You seek balanced feedback (for example, in a performance review or project wash-up).

You know when to ask for help.

You play to your own strengths.

Extended practice to develop your EQ (self-awareness)

Throw a spotlight on your self-awareness by undertaking a thorough evaluation of your strengths and weaknesses. You can find a template for completing a SWOT analysis in the everywoman workbook Knowing your strengths. But if starting with a blank piece of paper doesn’t inspire you, you can follow our four steps on the next page instead:

“Self-awareness is probably the most important thing for

becoming a champion.”

Billie Jean King, tennis player


1. Uncover your natural gifts

Before you learned any skills, through education, training or on the job learning, there were aspects of work that came naturally to you. It might be your ability to persuade people of your point of view, write sharp, compelling communications, or some other element of your job that comes effortlessly to you. These are your natural talents, and it is through the development of these (rather than learned skills) that can result in our greatest strengths. To discover yours, ask yourself the following questions:

1. Which elements of your day job come very easily to you, which others may struggle with?

2. For what elements of your role do you consistently receive the best feedback?

3. Which tasks leave you feeling energised and spurred on?

2. Examine the evidence

Study your list of natural talents. Take a moment to honour them – since they come easily you might find yourself dismissing them as meaningless, but consider how others who lack such talents would benefit from them. Bolster this self-belief by recording the evidence for each of your talents. How would you convince a decision maker of your natural gifts based on past behaviour?

3. Own your weaknesses

Do you ever find yourself overcompensating for your weaknesses, tying yourself up in knots trying to excel at the things you dread, stress over, and which deplete your energy? Your weaknesses, by their very nature, cannot be turned into strengths. The best you can do is improve on them just enough to neutralise their negative effects. Ask yourself the following questions:

1. Which tasks drain or disorientate you?

2. For which tasks do you consistently elicit poorer feedback?


4. Frame your strengths and weaknesses in an emotional context

Pick out two strengths and two weaknesses you’ve identified from the earlier exercises and examine them on an emotional level. How do you feel about your natural talents and the areas where you lag behind? Try to be as descriptive as possible when analysing your feelings in relation to each point.

More ways to extend your self-awareness practice

Learn about mindfulness, the act of being in the present moment and noticing what’s going on, in and around you. The everywomanNetwork has a diagnostic tool which can help you measure your own ability to ‘be in the moment’ and provides hints and tips for developing your own mindfulness practice.

Keep an emotions journal. You don’t have to pour your heart out if you don’t want to; start by recording key events from the day, noting how you felt internally and reacted externally in response.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Think about why developing self-awareness is important for you specifically. Look back over your examples. How will your career benefit from moving some of those low self-awareness examples to the high standard? How might past events

have played out differently? How will you practice self-awareness on an on-going basis? As you embark on a journey of self-awareness, who within your network can you check in with regularly to examine its impact – your boss, a mentor, a trusted colleague?

Go further: You’ll discover more paths to self-awareness in the everywomanNetwork workbooks Knowing your strengths and Career planning.


This can be one of the least-understood pillars of emotional intelligence, because it’s often misconstrued as a need to hide your true emotions or to behave as though you simply don’t have any. You have biological impulses that drive your emotions, and to attempt to do away with them is an impossible task.

A better way to look at self-regulation is to think about managing your emotions for the benefit of yourself and those around you – rather than anger, fear or anxiety controlling you. “Like an on-going inner conversation,” wrote Daniel Goleman, “[self regulation] is the component of emotional intelligence that frees us from being prisoners of our feelings.” The more adept self-regulators will have learned not only to manage more difficult or negative emotions, but also to channel them into a positive outcome.

2. SELF-REGULATION

Look back at the quiz in

the previous section and

your scores (out of 25) for

questions 2, 7, 12, 17 and 22,

which relate specifically to

self-regulation. Pay particular

attention to the strategies for

improving your self-regulation

if you scored low in this area.


Hallmarks of self-regulation

High self-regulation example

Low self-regulation example

You can control

your emotions.

You are aware that you are feeling

angry about someone’s behaviour,

but you can maintain calm enough

to find a solution for dealing with

the problem.

You engage in kneejerk

behaviours to common emotions

(shouting at a colleague with

whom you’re angry or allowing

fear to overwhelm you to the

point of inaction).

You instil calm in

those around you.

Your ability to maintain a cool

head, even when you’re stressed,

anxious or full of rage, impacts

on your co-workers and team

members, who follow in your suit.

Your tendency to fly off the handle

or let your negative emotions

control your rather than the other

way around is mirrored by those

around you, particularly juniors.

You are adaptable

and agreeable

in the face of

change.

During a particularly stressful

period, you typically weather

curveballs better than those

around you.

You view massive change as a

disruption and find it difficult to

see the wood for the trees in a

volatile or uncertain situation.

You lead the

way in uncertain

times.

While colleagues grumble about

the implementation of a new

technical system, you look at the

business benefits and what you

can learn from the transition.

You find it difficult to see the

long-term benefits of short-term

disruption.

You avoid acting

impulsively.

You defer from making decisions

when you know you’re upset

or not seeing things clearly, for

example when you learn you

didn’t get a pay rise, promotion or

some other opportunity.

You can’t resist telling your boss

what you really think when you’re

turned down for a pay rise, even

when you know you’ll probably

regret your words or actions after

the event. You fire off an angry

email without ‘sleeping on it’.

Over to you: Highlight examples of where you have exercised or failed to exercise self-regulation. Analyse the events that led up it, the feelings involved, what you did or didn’t do, and what the outcome was. Can you identify any patterns in your responses?


Hallmarks of self-regulation Personal examples of high or low self-regulation in your working life

You can control your emotions.

You instil calm in those around you.

You are adaptable and agreeable in the face of change.

You lead the way in uncertain times.

EXTENDED PRACTICE TO DEVELOP YOUR EQ (SELF-REGULATION)

They key to managing your emotions is to first understand them, looking at them with a cool head and from all angles to get to the core of what’s affected you. Think of an example of a time when you found your emotion managing you and your behaviour, rather than the other way around, and examine it for evidence as to what was truly going on.

It can be helpful to use a brainstorm technique called ‘The Five Whys’ (whereby you question ‘why’ something is the case a minimum of five times until you arrive at the core of the problem and are best placed to find a solution.)

“Self-regulation has a trickle-down effect. No one wants to be known as a hothead when the boss is known for her calm approach.”

Daniel Goleman


Felt the change was unfair.

Example scenario: I reacted angrily to a deadline change imposed by my boss.

I’d spent a long time building the plan and it’s all gone to

waste.

I generally feel that I am under-resourced and that my

boss doesn’t understand.

I am an organised person and dislike handing in work I don’t

feel is ready.

Better solution: Show boss original plan,

explain pressures and ask for help moving forward.

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

The ‘Five Whys’


You’ll find more examples of techniques like this in the everywomanNetwork workbook ‘Killer Problem Solving’.

We’ll examine some more specific strategies for dealing with particular workplace emotions in a later section.

Example scenario:

Better solution:

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?

Why?


More ways to extend your self-regulation practice

Practise calming techniques. If you regularly experience anger, frustration or other negative emotions, you must learn to build resilience to their affects. Practise relaxation or deep breathing exercises, take a walk in the fresh air, drink

some water, place a phone call to a soothing friend or colleague, or spend a few moments on a website like calm.com where you can be guided through a meditation. Notice how different you feel after taking active steps to lessen the emotion’s grip over you.

Tell yourself it’s ‘just anger’. When you’re feeling angry, you’re perhaps too busy feeling the affects of raised blood pressure, breathlessness, flushed cheeks and the various other unpleasant affects of the fight or flight response, to stop and really

acknowledge that you’re in the grip of an emotion; only after the affects have passed do you stop and replay your angry outburst in your mind. But consciously labelling your feelings as they play out can drastically limit the affect emotions have over you. Tell yourself that what you’re feeling is ‘just’ anger, worry, fear or fear and it may well become less all consuming.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Look back over any examples you’ve noted where negative emotions have had more of a grip over you than you’d have liked. How can you use those experiences and their outcomes to motivate you towards

increased self-regulation? How will you practise? Are there scenarios coming up in the near future in which you are likely to feel a certain way, which you can use as opportunities to exercise better regulation of your emotions? If you’ve been given feedback about your reactions and responses, can you share your extended practice commitment with your boss and ask for feedback along the way?

Go further: You’ll discover more routes to enhanced self-regulation in the everywomanNetwork workbook Resilience: bouncing back.


Various motivations spur you on throughout your working life. A good salary, perks and a nice environment might be considered pretty standard motivations shared by the vast majority of the working population. But where emotional intelligence is concerned, motivation refers specifically to achievement. “Those with leadership potential,” says Daniel Goleman, “are motivated by a deeply embedded desire to achieve for the sake of achievement”.That doesn’t mean that emotionally intelligent leaders don’t suffer bouts of demotivation, driven by stress, burnout or boredom. You might currently be in a job you aren’t enjoying or in a role you’ve outgrown, in which case motivation can easily flat line. But underpinning the values of an emotionally intelligent person will be a deep desire to make things happen, to grow, to learn and to keep moving forward. Perhaps this component of EQ is at play in the decision of 19% of UK big ticket lottery winners to continue in their roles, 31% to take up voluntary work and nearly a quarter (24%) either start up their own businesses or help others to do so7. Ask yourself what you’d do in their shoes. Would an industrious craving to create, produce or enable kick in after the world cruise and the shopping spree?

3. MOTIVATION

Review your score out of 25 for questions 3, 8, 13, 18 and 23, which relate to your motivation to achieve. If the score is on the low side, consider what might be impacting your desire to forge ahead and make a plan to counteract their effects..

Note that as one of the principles of EQ, ‘motivation’ refers to your desire to achieve. It is a separate factor from Goleman’s mantra for developing EQ; motivation; extended practice; feedback, so don’t confuse the two.


Hallmarks of a motivated individual

High motivation example

Low motivation example

You constantly seek to improve.

If a process isn’t working, you are determined to find a better way.

Grumbling about failing processes while seeing it as someone else’s responsibility to fix.

You like to keep score with yourself.

You enjoy concrete targets, positive reviews and rising numbers as a representation of success, and enjoy the thrill of chasing and regularly evaluating goals.

Being more comfortable in ‘coasting’ mode; fuzzy about results and not especially interested in raising the bar.

You take pride in a job well done, setting your personal bar high.

You take pleasure in performing to a high standard even when the task is unlikely to earn you recognition by others.

You are comfortable with ‘average’ and doing the bare minimum to get by.

You have deep reserves of energy to draw on.

Even when you’re working at full capacity, you can dig deep and find the motivation to try something new or look at something from a new perspective, even relishing the challenge.

You prefer the status quo to the challenge of change.


Your passion is noted by others.

Your desire to achieve results in others coming to you when they want something done well, and may even have an infectious nature, inspiring those around you in the process.

You are passed over for sexier projects where drive and a high standard finish are expected.

You relish a challenge. You push yourself when setting your objectives for the year ahead, while remaining realistic about your strengths and limitations.

You will settle for objectives that you can easily achieve without too much of a stretch.

Over to you: Highlight examples of where you have demonstrated self-motivation or where your behaviour has exemplified a lack of personal motivation. During less motivated periods, what factors have been at play in your lacklustre approach?


Hallmarks of motivation Personal examples of high or low motivation in your working life

You constantly seek to improve.

You like to keep score.

You take pride in a job well done, setting your personal bar high.

You have deep reserves of energy to draw on.

Your passion is noted by others.

You relish a challenge.

Extended practice to develop your EQ (motivation)

A helpful starting point in determining your values is to consider which of your ‘motivating factors’ must be fulfilled in order for you to achieve workplace happiness. These normally fall into two categories: intrinsic and extrinsic.

You intrinsic values are grounded in the skills and preferences you possess which must be utilised in order for you to be personally satisfied, have fun, feel challenged and excited. If you’re highly creative, personal satisfaction will likely come in an organisation that makes use of your innovation or artistic abilities. If you’re highly analytical, your intrinsic value might be defined by access to business critical data. As a people-centric person you might value a workplace which emphasises teamwork and interpersonal relationships above all else; or if you’re an independent thinker, you might value free reign to explore your options without direction or interference. An extrovert might value a buzzing, chaotic office environment, over the calm, serene space valued by their introverted colleagues.

Your extrinsic values are those things that motivate you to perform in order to achieve


external rewards. Those might include additional financial compensation, short or long term progression opportunities, recognition, status as an expert, respect or flexibility. If power and status motivates you, you may find most contentment in a hierarchal organisation where your managerial position is clearly acknowledged. If you are deeply passionate about your subject, you may appreciate an organisation that recognises and respects your expertise. Your extrinsic values might change depending on your circumstances; at various life stages you might find yourself valuing flexible working and benefits, bonus schemes, health benefits, training courses or opportunities to travel, being mentored, work shadowing or job share opportunities.

Think about the following: 1. When have you been happiest at work? Identify three periods when you’ve been

content in a role. What was going in your own work, that of those around you and the organisation as a whole?

2. What are you proudest of? What did you do and what was the outcome? Delve into the reasons for your pride – was it the result of lasting change you effected, the higher status it afforded you, the sheer culmination of hard work, the people you helped, the complexity of the problem you solved, achieving a ‘first’?

3. Look back over the talents and key strengths identified in the self-awareness section. How do these correspond with your values?

More ways to extend your motivation practice

Make a plan to remember your values. When you’re bored, restless, stressed or simply going through a phase of low morale for one reason or another, your values can all too easily take a backseat. Think about how you can bring your values to life for yourself, even during the toughest of times. It might be as simple as representing them in a visual way, somewhere where you always have access to them. Or turn creative and develop them into a morning mantra that will help you keep them at front of mind when motivation slides.


Understand how what you do now, affects what you achieve later. You can up your self-motivation significantly when you engage with tasks where there is a tangible link to future success. Set goals you can achieve within six months, one year, five years, and then look for ways that today’s activity can move you one step closer to your objective.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Armed with the knowledge of your personal values and short and long term goals, what aspects of your work life do you feel inspired to change? Where can you challenge yourself to do better and lead by example? Share your goals and visions with your boss and mentor and seek their feedback along the way.

Go further: The everywomanNetwork quiz Define your career values can help you determine what really matters to you at work. The Career planning workbook helps turn those values into an action plan for achievement.


4. EMPATHYIn the 1990s, Italian scientists studying a laboratory monkey to understand how his brain worked as he cracked open a nut, chanced upon a new discovery. When a researcher entered the lab and absentmindedly picked at a nut, the same neurons lit up in the brain of the observing monkey as when the monkey himself engaged in nut-cracking. The researchers thought the MRI machine may have been malfunctioning, but further investigation uncovered something of much greater import – that primates and humans (elephants, mice, dolphins and dogs too) are wired to understand another creature’s plight. In short, the ability to empathise is in your DNA.

One of the biggest advocates for empathy comes from a surprising source: US President Barack Obama. In times of economic meltdown, global poverty and the increasing threat of terrorism, surely the leader of the free world is clutching at straws when he urges us to simply be a bit nicer to each other?

But empathy isn’t just about feeling sorry for people or giving them the benefit of the doubt. “It’s an act of imagination,” says the Harvard Business Review, “in which you try to look at the world from the perspective of another person, a human being whose history and point of view are as complex as your own.”

Questions 4, 9, 14, 19 and 24 from the quiz in the earlier section

relate to your ability to empathise, based on the Toronto Empathy

Scale devised by researchers. If you’ve a low score out of 25,

spend some time working through our exercise in this section,

repeating it on a regular basis to take a temperature check of

your ability to see the world from another person’s viewpoint.

When Obama won his second term, commentators attributed his success in large part to his ability to empathise (and by extension his opponent’s inability to do the same).


“There was plurality of voters (by a margin of 10%) who felt that Barack Obama understood what they were facing, or to be more exact, that he was ‘in touch’ with their problems,” wrote one commentator.8

Obama hadn’t just chanced upon what might be his greatest attribute as a leader; his application of empathy was a conscious and considered move (extended practice, if you like). “The biggest deficit that we have in our society and in the world right now is an empathy deficit,” he has said. “We are in great need of people being able to stand in somebody else’s shoes and see the world through their eyes.”

Presidential endorsement has given empathy – sometimes considered a “soft” skill - a renewed focus. Empathy, business leaders agree, can have a dramatic affect on the bottom line of both individuals and corporations large and small.

Waiters who are more empathic get 18% more in tips. In Empathy Drives Profit the author tells how a Scottish Housing Association took a more empathic approach to employee relations and was rewarded with 87% staff engagement rates and, by extension, a rise to 90% in customer satisfaction.9

So are you born with empathy or do you acquire it? “The answer is both,” says Daniel Goleman. “Scientific inquiry strongly suggests that there is a genetic component to emotional intelligence. Psychological and developmental research indicates that nurture plays a role as well. How much of each perhaps will never be known, but research and practice clearly demonstrate that [empathy] can be learned.”

Studies have also pointed towards empathy being akin to a switch you can control. Stress hormones have been found to act like blockers10, indicating that when we’re stressed, we’re less likely to empathise with others. And psychopaths, who it’s long been theorised are ‘missing’ the empathy chip, are in fact in full possession of it – they simply have the ability to flick it on and off at will.11

L’Oreal sales agents who are more empathic sell on average a $100,000 more than those without empathy.


It might be more useful to think about empathy as a quality which can be nurtured. You have the tools to become a communicator – a voice box, the ability to put thoughts into words; but clearly some are better communicators than others, having nurtured their inherent qualities.

Hallmarks of an empathic individual

High empathy example Low empathy example

Considers others’ feelings in intelligent decision making.

Consults others and looks at the potential outcomes of situations through the eyes of others.

Makes decisions based on the ‘best’ way forward without considering the human impact.

Communicating in a way which makes others feel understood.

A manager making redundancies demonstrates own discomfort but delivers messages in a way that indicates compassion for employees.

Thinks foremost of own feelings of discomfort when having to deliver bad news.

Uses active listening. Engages others in the conversation and takes on board what they say, without necessarily being a ‘people pleaser’.

Makes little effort to understand what might be occurring on a human level behind a business issues.


Is a good reader of people.

Pays close attention not just to what is being said, but to tone and body language too, in order to make wiser decisions for example in a negotiation.

Might make snap judgements or assume a negotiation is heading in a particular direction due to lack of attention paid to non verbals.

Can get inside the heads of others.

A good coach or mentor who knows when to push someone forward and knows when to back off.

A coach or mentor who pushes their own agenda without considering the needs of their protégé.

Over to you: Reflect on examples of occasions where you have demonstrated high or low empathy in the workplace. How might you have behaved differently and how might the outcome have changed if you’d brought more empathic skills to the situation?

Hallmarks of empathy Personal examples of high or low empathy in your working life

Considers others’ feelings in intelligent decision making.

Communicating in a way which makes others feel understood.

Uses active listening.

Is a good reader of people.

Can get inside the heads of others.


Extended practice to develop your EQ (empathy)

Think about someone you may have clashed with either in your current or a past role. Being as objective as you can, try to look at the situation from their point of view. How might they have felt before, during and after the event. What are their key drivers, values, strengths and weaknesses that would have been brought to bear on the situation? Does the exercise give you a fresh perspective on why the clash happened and how your own behaviour may have been moderated for better affect?

Check in regularly by conducting this exercise for your key stakeholders. It needn’t necessarily be over a clash. You could run through your checklist in relation to how your boss feels in your 1-2-1; how a particular colleagues feels in your regular team meeting; how an individual you sit near is feeling in the run up to a big deadline. If you find yourself getting stuck due to the lack of information you hold on them, reach out. Ask questions, listen more, find out what you can learn about them, their values and their current challenges.

“In an earlier role I had a colleague who made every phone call or

conversation five times longer than necessary on account of his tendency

to repeat himself endlessly, especially frustrating during busy times

and sometimes made me wonder if he thought I was too stupid to get

what he was saying the first time. I realised that keeping him at arm’s

length wasn’t conducive to a good working relationship, I invited him for

coffee and the subject of public speaking came up. He confided that in

his earlier life he’d had a terrible stutter, which manifested itself most

prominently at the start of conversations. His strategy for overcoming it

was simply to keep talking – it ironed out the stutter, so to speak. I was

bowled over, and consciously brought this to the front of my mind every

time I subsequently found myself irritated that the clock was ticking

behind our conversation.”

An everywoman Network member


Go further: You can take the full Toronto Empathy Scale quiz on the everywomanNetwork, and discover more ways to become a better listener in our workbook Powerful workplace communication.

More ways to extend your empathy practice

Listen more: Study the person you’re conversing with, paying attention to what they say and do, and what their body language is telling you at the same time. Force yourself to slow down, beware of interrupting, and find ways to demonstrate that you’re absorbing what the other person has told

you – summarising their points to show you’ve really listened, using mirroring body language and asking questions to express your interest in what they’re saying.

People watch: You can pick up a myriad of clues about what people are thinking and feeling by observing them in everyday life – in group situations, in meetings, while commuting, in a coffee shop. Take time to

wonder about their lives, what challenges they might face, and how they might be feeling.

!Watch your stress levels: Scientists have found that stress is the biggest threat to empathy – that when you are stressed, you are less likely to extend compassion or understanding to another person. Use your self-awareness and self-regulation to understand how stress impacts you and

how in turn it impacts others, making adjustments accordingly.

Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Examine your motivation to become a more empathic individual. How will it benefit key relationships and give you better strategies for dealing with others? Make time to regularly check in with your key stakeholders, looking for ways

you can dial up your ability to see the world through their eyes. The results may well be there to see in the quality of your relationships, which can be measured through 360 performance review feedback.


5. SOCIAL SKILL“As a component of emotional intelligence, social skill is not as simple as it sounds. It’s not just a matter of friendliness, although people with high levels of social skill are rarely mean-spirited. Social skill, rather, is friendliness with a purpose: moving people in the direction you desire, whether that’s agreement on a new marketing strategy or enthusiasm about a new product,” writes Daniel Goleman.

In many ways, social skills are the communication channels through which self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation and empathy are channelled. Having the self-awareness to recognise that a key relationship is suffering is meaningless if you do not have the social skill to begin building bridges. The self-regulation to keep your anger in check during a dispute needs to be followed up with the social skills to negotiate and reach a consensus. Motivation to achieve requires social skills to communicate your passion and bring others along on the journey with you. And being able to put yourself in another’s shoes alone is not enough – you must also be able to moderate your communications accordingly.

You don’t have to be a natural people person or an extrovert to develop strong social skills.

Hallmarks of a socially-skilled individual

High social skills example

Low social skills example

You build wide bonds. You appear at times to not be working, because you are chatting and getting to know individuals who have nothing to do with your ‘real’ job – you don’t limit your interactions to key stakeholders, but see the value of reaching out across organisations.

You keep yourself to yourself at work, not seeing the value in reaching out to others outside your immediate vicinity.


You don’t shy away from negative situations.

You are able to summon up the courage to enter fierce negotiations, or are skilled at diffusing volatile situations.

You avoid conflict and become upset at confrontation.

You develop trust and rapport.

You rely on your key stakeholders and know that you are relied upon in return. You seek to quickly establish common ground with newcomers.

You are standoffish with newcomers and take a long time to ‘warm’ to people.

You enjoy organising groups.

You don’t necessarily have to be the life and soul of the party, but you enjoy being someone who brings others together.

You see little value in connecting two disparate individuals in your network who could benefit from an introduction.

Over to you: Note examples of where your social skills (or lack thereof) have made a difference in a working environment.

Hallmarks of a socially-skilled individual

Personal examples of high or low empathy in your working life

You build wide bonds.

You don’t shy away from negative situations.

You develop trust and rapport.

You enjoy organising groups.


Extended practice to develop your EQ (social skills)

Connectors are the most useful people in your network. They’re the ones who enjoy making introductions that facilitate growth and change, even when it doesn’t impact on them personally. Think back over the opportunities that have enabled your growth and advancement: can you spot the connectors within your network who’ve given you that leg up?

Becoming a connector yourself can take time and comes with an element of risk – the relationships you foster must be built on trust before you can legitimately make connections. So start small.

Think about the individuals in your network who are currently on a journey that you could give them a boost on. If you get stuck at this first hurdle, you may need to reach out to members of your network to informally find out what’s going on for them and how you might be able to help them.

Do you know anyone who it might be interesting for them to talk to? If your network is small, think about what other resources could make an impact: an article you read which might give them an idea, news of an event they may wish to attend?

Who What are their short and long-term goals?

Plan for discovering more about their needs.

How can I help?

e.g. Newcomer into my team.

To get up to speed as quickly as possible with the organisational landscape.

Invite them for coffee and ask questions about their background and their new role.

Invite them to a lunch I’m having with colleagues from a different department. Check in with them regularly and be available to answer questions about how things are done in your organisation.


Who What are their short and long-term goals?

Plan for discovering more about their needs.

How can I help?

More ways to extend your social skills practice

Practise small talk: If you’re an introvert, small talk can be your worst nightmare. But it doesn’t have to be meaningless chitchat. Dial up your curiosity muscle and ask questions that will allow people to open up to you. Be prepared to offer something of yourself too: before a networking event or other situation in which you tend to get tongue tied, make a mental note of one or two interesting things about yourself that it would be useful to impart to others, and look for opportunities to bring these to the conversation.

Notice group dynamics: Use your self-awareness skills to notice how individuals react when they’re in a group situation. Who takes a back seat and who steps up? Who speaks up and who is reluctant to participate? Who brings ideas and who is too quick to judge? Consider the ways in which you can help facilitate discussions better to enable others to get the best out of themselves. Humility is a big component of emotional intelligence and stepping back to give others the chance to shine can do wonders for your relationships.

Take responsibility for your actions. Groups can be hotbeds of raw emotion and to engage in group dynamics means that inevitably you won’t always get it right. Have the self-awareness to own your mistakes. Apologise quickly and directly.


Motivation, extended practice, feedback in summary: Consider the ways in which increased social skills will better enable your fast track to goal achievement: by generating a wider network? By making others feel good about themselves and thereby fostering better relationships based on trust? By feeling more at ease in group situations? Understanding your motivation should in turn increase your willingness to enter into extended practice. Regularly evaluate the strength of your network and the quality of your relationships – via your own analysis or 360 feedback.

Go further: Increase your social skills by developing your self-esteem with the exercises in our Boost your self-confidence workbook; and discover rapport building strategies in Developing your negotiation skills, An introduction to building strong networks and Managing upwards with success.

Start seeing how the pillars of emotional intelligence work together

Example 1

Ability to empathise with others feeling the same way, or who are

impacted by your anger.

Self-awareness to recognise particular emotion, e.g. anger

Self-regulation to manage anger, rather than let it

manage you.

Motivation to continually improve and challenge your ability to navigate

stressful situations.

The social skills to effectively communicate around your emotions.


Example 2

Ability to understand and respect others’ values and how they complement or

are at odds with your own.

Self-awareness to know what matters to you and

your career.

Self-regulation to make wise rather than

impulsive choices in line with those values.

Motivation to continually push yourself onwards

to successful goal completion.

The social skills to bring others with you on your

journey to success.


PART 3Three common workplace

emotions and how to manage them

worry

anger

frustration


Happiness, satisfaction, joy, enthusiasm, cheerfulness, optimism, pleasure, amusement, excitement and pride. A seminal 1970s research paper into workplace moods presented this joyful roster as containing the most frequently experienced office emotions.12

Such emotions evoke the very best of office times - when the quality of your rewards and relationships peak and you’re motivated and energised to forge ahead with your career. But work, like life, has a way of throwing curveballs to which your emotive responses will doubtless be less than sunny – but though they may be less pleasurable, they may offer just as much long-term opportunity.

Contrary to the popular stereotype of women being more emotionally driven, it

was the male participants of the study who experienced the most diverse and intense range of both positive and negative emotions (men more frequently experienced hate, jealousy, passion, ecstasy, desire, lust, bitterness, adoration, thrill, remorse, rejection, melancholy, shock, infatuation, arousal, attraction, ferocity, alarm, neglect, contempt and vengefulness at work). Female case studies meanwhile reported more frequently experiencing a much more concise gamut of emotions: anxiety, hurt, enjoyment, satisfaction, cheerfulness, exasperation, and liking.

Gender aside, the study concluded that the three most commonly experienced negative emotions are those that everyone can identify with: frustration, worry and anger. But whereas in your personal life your strategy for dealing with these common moods might be to isolate yourself, tear up, or share your feelings with your significant others, navigating such feelings in the workplace obviously requires an entirely different set of coping mechanisms.

Keep a mood log at work, recording your emotions and how they fluctuate in response to external and internal factors. Understanding is the key to better management.

THREE COMMON WORKPLACE EMOTIONS AND HOW TO MANAGE THEM

“Negative emotions like loneliness, envy, and guilt have an important role to play in a happy life; they’re big, flashing signs that something needs to change.”

Gretchen Ruben. US Author


Like low level stress, frustration in its mildest form can be a great motivator: frustration with a laborious system can be the catalyst for inspiring a simplification of the process; an employee feeling frustrated with a lack of career progression might channel this energy into revamping their career plan with a focus on personal growth.

But when frustration (defined by the Yale Group as a “condition which exists when a goal-response suffers interference”) is left unmanaged, it can lead to altogether more harmful effects – anger and aggression. And such behaviour can often be displaced – targeted away from the source of the problem towards an innocent bystander (if you’ve ever had a terse exchange with a colleague only to go home and snap at your partner you’ll know all about ‘the frustration-aggression hypothesis’ which psychologists use to define the scapegoating behaviour which can define the frustrated employee.

Step one to tackling frustration is to get to the root of the feeling. Is it simply the fact that your boss sets unrealistic deadlines? Or is the primary source of your frustration a general feeling of lack of support from your superiors? Consider whether the source of your frustration is external (based on the behaviour or circumstance of someone or something else) or internal (stirred up by your own needs and desires).

Step two is to find a way, however small, which allows you to frame the source of your frustration as an opportunity. Participants’ lack of contribution in your team meetings can be the catalyst for a shake up of the format. Missing out on a sought-after stretch assignment could open the door for a frank feedback session with the boss about your career direction.

If your frustration isn’t quite so easy to shrug off, pause to take a moment to consider

“All that is necessary to break the spell of frustration is this: Act as if it were impossible to fail. That is the talisman, the formula, the command of right about face which turns us from

failure to success.”Dorothea Brande, US Author

FRUSTRATION


past episodes of frustration. A key factor in emotional intelligence is being able to identify when external factors are outside of your control and having the strength of mind to accept what you cannot influence. Reminding yourself of events that caused past frustration now lost to time can enable clearer rationalisation of current frustrations.

Main sources of frustration in current workplace

What are the driving factors in my frustration?

Strategies for changing my thinking. Where is the opportunity?

e.g. Colleague with a total lack of attention to detail.

My own sense of perfectionism.

Offer to put the finishing touches to their product for a share in the recognition of the work.


Felt in moderation, worry can ensure you take relevant precautions and avoid risky behaviours. But prolonged or “toxic” worry, says psychiatrist and author of Worry Dr Edward Hallowell, can lead to anxiety, mental and physical stress, and workplace paralysis.

Helpfully, Hallowell’s dissection of this common workplace woe comes with a five-point guide to navigating your deepest worries.

1. Worry out loud. Sharing your worries with a trusted colleague or loved one is much more likely to galvanise a solution mentality than mulling over a problem in isolation.

2. Focus on facts and evidence. Worry is often the result of misleading or absent information. Putting your feelings to one side, note down all that you know about a situation. Can you reframe your feelings based on this knowledge?

3. Stay active. Formulate a plan and take action. Even if it’s not the right plan, the only way you’ll discover that is by following it. Doing nothing won’t change a thing.

4. Be kind to your body and mind. Sleep well, eat well, meditate and reach out to individuals who you know from experience can provide levels of comfort.

5. Let it go. Easier said than done, but with steps one through four under your belt, you may find it easier to simply kiss your worries goodbye.

WORRY

“Worry does not empty tomorrow of its sorrow. It empties today of its strength.”

Corrie ten Boom, Dutch Writer


My biggest source of worry currently is…

The best person I can share my concerns with is…

The facts and evidence to support my worry are…

My plan of action is…

I will soothe myself by…


Increased heart rate and blood pressure, rocketing adrenaline levels, raised voices and aggressive body language: no wonder anger – the most intense workplace emotion on our list – is the easiest to spot and arguably the most difficult to control. Take your anger-management skills up a notch with these tips.

Find your happy place. If you’re literally burning with rage, cooling your body down with deep breathing exercises is the first way to reclaim your equilibrium. Temporarily take yourself as far away as possible from the source of the anger. Whether that means a short trip to an empty meeting room to check your phone, or a brisk walk around the block, sit it out until you’re close enough to your usual self that you can function professionally.

“I realised that if my thoughts immediately affect my body, I should be careful about what I think. Now if I get angry, I ask myself why I feel that way. If I can find the source of my anger, I can turn that negative energy into something positive.”

Yoko Ono, Japanese Artist

Focus on soothing yourself before responding. Your immediate reaction might be to throw something or shout at someone. But the rational side of you knows that such behaviour is unlikely to help. The first white hot stage of anger is rarely conducive to resolution, so, advises the American Psychological Association, “instead of telling yourself, ‘oh, it’s awful, it’s terrible, everything’s ruined,’ tell yourself, ‘it’s frustrating, and it’s understandable that I’m upset about it, but it’s not the end of the world and getting angry is not going to fix it anyhow.”

Write it out. Step away from your inbox and write out long-hand how you feel about the situation, detailing exactly what’s sparked such an intensity of emotion until you begin to notice

ANGER

!


your scribble pace reduce and your calm restore. Shred your notes, only giving in to the temptation to respond to the situation once you’ve slept on it and are confident that your message isn’t going to add fuel to the fire (eliciting the advice of a trusted colleague if you need a second opinion).

See yellow (or turquoise). Colour psychologists say that when we’re angry, you really do see red – often literally in the flush of heat across your cheeks or chests.13 Practiced meditators can benefit from visualising – alongside their deep breathing exercises – a calming colour to help restore a rational mind-set: try thinking of colours like pale yellow, white, pale blue and pink. Simply close your eyes and allow your mind’s eye to become absorbed by your preferred palette.

Go further: Work through the everywomanNetwork workbooks Visualising for career success: a beginner’s guide and 60 minutes to wellbeing to learn coping mechanisms and techniques for better dealing with stress and othernegative emotions.


1. Summarise your personal results and findings from this workbook. Which areas of emotional intelligence are your strongest; where are you weakest, and what have you learned about yourself as a result?

2. How will improving your self-awareness impact your career? How will you implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

3. How will improving your self-regulation impact your career? How will you implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

4. How will improving your motivation to achieve impact your career? How will you implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

YOUR PERSONAL ACTION PLAN


5. How will improving your empathy impact your career? How will you implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

6. How will improving your social skills impact your career? How will you implement this skill? And how will you seek feedback?

7. Consider the tools and resources you can draw on to help your extended practice, e.g. a mentor, journal keeping, repeat taking of exercises/quizzes in this workbook.

8. Which of the three most common workplace emotions would it benefit you to better manage? Which strategies will you employ to do so and how will you measure their effectiveness?

9. Paying it forward: which of your learnings from this workbook can you commit to passing on to others who may benefit from working on their own emotional intelligence. Can you work on your extended practice together with a trusted colleague with whom you can swap feedback?


EVERYWOMAN EXPERTSEverywoman creates workbooks on topics that matter most to our network members. we draw on member surveys and the latest thinking from the academic and business worlds, as well our own experiences as we navigate our careers. Each workbook offers practical advice, enabling tangible actions for your daily work lives ahead of those important performance reviews.

Maxine Benson MBE & Karen Gill MBECo-founders of everywoman, Karen and Max have spoken to thousands of women about the challenges they face at work. Through their own journeys at work and their experiences of starting a business, they uncovered a real need for a network where female entrepreneurs and businesswomen could interact and share experiences. The everywomanNetwork, launched in 2011, serves as a truly global tool to enable members the world over to propel their careers through online membership.

everywoman workbook teamRebecca Lewis, Associate EditorMel Spencer, Managing EditorKate Farrow, Senior Client ManagerDonna Robertson, Proposition Director

AcknowledgementsSpecial thanks to Deanna Oppenheimer (former Head of Barclays UK and founder of CameoWorks) for sharing her experiences of emotional intelligence in the workplace.

Any topics you’d like to see covered on the everywomanNetwork? We’d love to hear from you: [email protected]


ENDNOTES1. A Dictionary of Psychology by Andrew Coleman (Oxford University Press: 2008).2. hbr.org/2004/01/leading-by-feel 3. CareerBuilder4. 6seconds.org/case/leadership-and-emotional-intelligence/ 5. 6seconds.org/sei/media/WP_EQ_and_Age.pdf 6. hbr.org/2013/05/can-you-really-improve-your-em 7. Camelot & Oxford Economics: 20128. huffingtonpost.com/yashar-hedayat/why-mitt-romney-lost-empa_b_2095591.html 9. investorsinpeople.co.uk/resources/ideas/“empathy-drives-profit”-–-why-taking-time-care-pays 10. bbc.co.uk/news/health-30831145 11. bbc.co.uk/news/science-environment-23431793 12. epublications.bond.edu.au/cgi/viewcontent.cgi?article=1066&context=discussion_papers13. spp.sagepub.com/content/2/3/311?patientinform-links=yes&legid=spspp;2/3/311

FURTHER READINGBooksEmotional Intelligence: Why It Can Matter More Than IQ by Daniel Goleman (Bantam Books: 1995)

Online resources What Makes A Leader by Daniel Goleman (Harvard Business Review: 2004)Playlist of TED Talks on human nature, including discussions of empathy and compassion.Daniel Goleman’s blogConsortium For Research On Emotional Intelligence In Organisations


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