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Dealing With DifficultDealing With Difficult Parents 101 Parents 101

Dealing With DifficultDealing With Difficult Parents 101 Parents 101

Tuesday, January 11, 2005Tuesday, January 11, 2005

Tara Goulding and Eileen BarksTara Goulding and Eileen Barks

Palm Valley ElementaryPalm Valley Elementary

Agenda4:00-Welcome,

Icebreaker, Expectations.4:10 - Talk to us!!! What

are some of the situations that have brought you here. Share

4:20 - Discover Yourself and Your “Parents”.

4:50 - Strategies that you can use TODAY

5:15 Activity-role play5:30 Situations5:50- Wrap up and

Reflect6:00-Goodnight!!!

Talk to Us!!

• What are some situations that you have encountered in your teaching careers?

“The mere formulation of a problem is often

far more essential than

its solution”By Albert Einstein

Who are you?Who are your parents?

• “Seek first to understand, before you seek to be understood.” By Steven Covey

• “Managing a difficult person means first managing yourself.” By Carol Tavris

Who are You?• Personality Games help identify the type of

personality you are. (www.mef.to/html/roles.html) (True Colors)

• It is important to know how you react in stressful and confrontational situations.

• What kinds of negative aspects do you have?

Tips for dealing w/ negative aspects of yourself:

• Learn to recognize when your defensive mechanisms come up. Realize that you are probably not really being attacked.

• When you catch yourself feeling defensive, don’t react so quickly.

• Learn how to listen when someone asks a question or makes a suggestion.

• Ask people to re-state their question/comment/suggestion.

• Try to understand what others are saying by repeating back what you think you heard.

• Ask for more time to respond, then get back to them. This will give you time to work with the question/comment/ suggestion without the pressure of being on the spot.

• Do consider that other people have good ideas that are just as valid as yours.

Tips continued…• Find someone who can help you work on this negative aspect of yourself-a good friend, coworker, teacher or counselor

• If it is someone that you interact with regularly, ask them to let you know when you are being a jerk and call your attention to what you are doing. That will help you learn to see what situations and events trigger your insecurity.

• Recognize that changing learned patterns of insecurity and defensiveness may take years of work.

• Don’t give up on yourself.• Learn to understand your own personality and your unique strengths and weaknesses.

• The effort to improve your ability to get along with others will be rewarded as you find more career opportunities open up for you.

Who are they?• Less respectful of authority• More educated about schools and

view schools as another service to consume (media)

• Cynical and distrustful• Activists• Increasingly disengaged from

schools• Afraid child won’t measure up

because of schools.

Overall View of Parents

• 90+ percent of all parents do a good job raising their children.

• 5% struggle• 100% of parents do

the best they know how.

Remember--no matter how much the child

bothers you, annoys you or how difficult he/she is in your classroom--That child

is someone’s pride and joy; someone’s baby-and

they are the best they have to send you.

What makes them difficult?

• Always working from their negative side• Unaware of themselves and how they

affect others.• Don’t realize how harmful actions are

especially to their child.• Family configuration, family wealth, family

stress.• Past negative experiences with schools.• Just plain angry and argumentative.• Most communications w/schools negative

Why are they Angry?• Failure to communicate• Circling the wagons• Stonewalling and spinelessness• Darned if you do and darned if you don’t-

overreacting• Assumption, stereotypes, Educational jargon• Defensiveness• Breaking promises, Unwillingness to admit

mistakes and apologize• Intimidation/control/power and blame• Condescension, rudeness, Dishonesty• Failure to give parents credit for understanding

their child• Lack of respect for child and parents• Unprofessionalism

Why are they troubled?

• Lack of student learning

• Behavior problems

• Erosion of values

• Parental assault

• Curricular issues

• Teacher commitment

Why are they afraid?• Safety

• Administrator/teacher retaliation

• Unknown

• Have to settle for poor schools

Why are they crazy?• School groupies• Abusive parents• Addicted• Dysfunctional and

mentally ill• Complainers• Troublemakers• Whiners

“People don’t care how much you know, until they know how much you

care.”Anonymous

Putting learning into ACTION!

Stop the action before it starts!!!

• Start off on the right foot--make positive contacts before a negative one.

• Use good communication skills-– the more upset the person, the slower and lower you speak.– Eye contact

• Why Didn’t I know? / Keep the Parents Informed.• Get the parents on your side.• United front--Team effort• I-Messages

Use “I” messages• I messages come from the true feelings of a

person.• People can relate and deal better with

feelings then with name calling or accusations being brought on by strong feelings.

• When they understand the feelings involved, then something positive can be done about it.

I-Message Example• Your son is always

out of his seat, bothering others and messing around. You need to do a better job of controlling him.

• I feel so frustrated when I am constantly reminding Johnny how to behave in class. What steps can we take to solve this problem?

I Message Phone ExampleHi Mrs. Johnson, this is Mrs. Barks from

Litchfield Elementary School. Do you have a minute to talk about Jordan? Great!! Here is what is going on in the classroom. I am feeling frustrated that she is not handing in her work. I know she does the work, I see her complete it. She is just forgetting to hand it in and she seems to find it in her desk later in the week. Do you think we could come up with a solution to try in the classroom that might help alleviate my frustrations.

Strategies for defusing parents. Taming the Savage Beast

Empathize

Ask questions

Lower the boom gently

Welcome constructive criticism

Cultural differences in communication

Give options to parents

Focus on the problems-not the personalities

Shake hands and welcome.

Sit eye to eye and knee to knee

Listen (body lang.)

Open your mind

Keep calm, and remain confident (phone)

Apologize-I am sorry that happened

What Not to Do• Don’t Interrupt--sit on

your hands, bite your tongue

• Don’t change the subject--solve one item at a time

• Don’t focus on things beyond your control or things that can’t be changed

• Silent treatment might not work--but listening will

• Don’t come across as the know-it-all professional

• Don’t make promises that you can’t keep

• Flaming emails

What if the parent is right?

• Admit mistakes

• Fix the problem

• Reach Consensus

• Don’t hold grudges

• Begin Again

Apology???• If the parent is so adamant that they are right

and you are wrong--then what?• In this situation will it hurt to admit defeat and

move on to the solution stage?• This only will work in some situations--not

every situation• Remember you are there for the kids--and if

it will help with their learning--why not?

“No problem is so large or

complex that it can’t be run away from.”

By Charlie Brown

FUN Activity!!!