TheRev. Joel Vano ofZion LutheranChurch in Albert

Lea hears the same thingevery time he sits downwith a newly-engagedcouple for the first time.“Every time, the first

thing I ask is, ‘Why areyou getting married?’They say it’s for love,” hesmiled.And while this is, of

course, a pretty good rea-son to tie the knot, hus-bands, wives, clergy andexperts all agree it takesmuch more than love tomake a marriage suc-cessful.“Marriage is work.

You have to work at it.You have to want it towork, and you have tomake it work,” saidKaren Rudrogen ofAlbert Lea.Rudrogen, 43, speaks

from experience. She’sbeen married to her hus-band, Randy, for 16 1⁄2years. They first marriedin 1992, then divorcedand remarried. Seeingthem together, you’dnever know they wentthrough hell and back tolearn some valuable les-sons.Just five years into

their first marriage, herstepson, Tony, was diag-nosed with cancer at age9. One year of treatmentfollowed by a year inremission took a turn forthe worse when Tonyrelapsed and lost his bat-tle in 2000, at the tenderage of 12 years old.“We made it six years

after that, but we grievedin opposite directions,”Rudrogen said. “We justcouldn’t do it together.”Although they

divorced in 2006, theystill got along and talkedregularly as they raisedtheir younger son,Nathan. One night in2009, nearly three yearsto the day later, Randyleft her a message that hewanted her to come byand talk.“It really came out of

left field,” said Rudrogen.“We were both interest-ed. We shared so many ofthe same beliefs, philoso-phies and family values.And we just grew apart— it was nobody’s fault.

It’s like Randy said, can-cer came and destroyedeverything.”Two months later,

they were living togetherand by the end of theyear, she was happy to beMrs. Randy Rudrogenagain.“We’re more apprecia-

tive of each other now,”she said. “When you for-get to be appreciative,you start nitpicking, andit all brews and festers.”Darlene Kvam of

Northwood, Iowa, agreesyou’ve got to “laugh off”the small stuff. She andher husband, Lee, willcelebrate their 45th wed-ding anniversary inAugust. Rememberingher days as a newlywedin 1967 also bringsmemo-ries of what have maybeen their biggest obsta-cle.Immediately following

their wedding, Lee, whowas serving in the Navy,was deployed to PearlHarbor Base in Hawaii.Darlene joined him therein December.“It was tough going

back then,” she said.“There wasn’t a lot ofmoney. Income then wasminimal from the serv-ice.”In fact, the first year of

marriage may be themost difficult hurdle forany couple.“Even if you lived

together, there’s a differ-ence in that commitmentnow,” said Vano. “Whenyou say ‘I do,’ it’s a legaland psychological com-mitment. Stuff can’t beswept under the rug. Youhave to deal with it —you can’t just walk out.”Vano strongly believes

that being able to prac-tice forgiveness is themost important key to

having a successful mar-riage. It’s something he’slearned not only from hisown 23 years of mar-riage, but also from the75s, a group of marriedcouples who have beenmarried 75 years ormore.“What made them last

75 years? They alwaysstressed forgiveness,” hesaid.

Marriage by ZoeVano can’t marry any

couple in his churchwithout them completingsixmonths of pre-maritalsessions. While he stress-es the importance of for-giveness, open communi-cation and conflict reso-lution on his brides-and-grooms-to-be, how heworks with each couple isvery different and basedlargely on an evaluationeach couple takes as theybegin their journey of ahappy marriage: the ZoeMarriage Preparation.

“It’s a pre-maritalinventory couples takeonline, with more than300 questions theyanswer independentlyabout themselves,” hesaid.

Couples answer ques-tions about their lives,beliefs, backgrounds,goals, methods and tech-niques. The system basesthe scores on their levelsof agreement and howthey compare to harddata of couples thatresearch has shown willsucceed in marriage. Thetest ranks responses fromhigh to low in 13 cate-gories, generates an aver-age score along with adetailed report, and Vanois ready to begin guidingthe couple. The purposeis to enhance the positive,eliminate the negative

and help them have along and happymarriage.

Vano then meets withthe couple monthly, dis-cussing areas of concernand even assigning home-work to help couplesimprove in weak areas.Because each person isdifferent, so is each set ofresults from Zoe.

“It’s not a foolprooftool, but a very goodguide,” Vano said.

Although there’s real-ly no one area that standsout as a top “red flag”among the masses, Vanosaid couples who haven’tbeen together long proba-bly have the most work todo in preparing for lifetogether after the wed-ding.

“The longer they’veknown each other, themore stable their rela-tionship is,” he said.

The changes in theconcept of family,finances and raising chil-dren has brought a wholenew issue to the subjectof marriage over theyears. In fact, the ForestInstitute of Professional

Psychology stated that 41percent of first-time mar-riages, 60 percent of sec-ond marriages and 73percent of third mar-riages will all end indivorce.

“Marriage has reallybeen devalued,” saidVano. “Divorce is easy,and you don’t have to bemarried to have kids.”

Rudrogen agreed.“Kids are now used to

seeing split families,” shesaid. “You’ve gotta real-ize, there are going to berough patches in therethat really hurt. Thereare going to be ups anddowns.”

Beating the marriageblahs

Open communicationand spending timetogether have been animportant part of mari-tal success — and fun —for the Kvams. Theyenjoy separate careersduring the day and shar-ing their tales of intrigueand woe when they sitdown for dinner eachnight.

Getting away for avacation each year hasalways been somethingthe Kvams have treas-ured. When their twosons were growing up,they visited family-fundestinations, includingthe Laura Ingalls Wildersites inWalnut Grove, theBlack Hills in SouthDakota and theWisconsin Dells. For thepast eight years, they’vevacationed with Steveand Jane Trainer ofMason City, Iowa, whothey share perhaps theirmost special memorywith.

“We were married onthe same night— just fivemiles apart from eachother,” said Kvam. “Theywere at Deer CreekChurch and we were atBethlehem Lutheran inMyrtle. I got her candlesand she got my flowers.”

The Kvams have creat-ed an annual anniversarytradition that both cou-ples look forward to eachyear: having dinner withthe Trainers at the OldMill in Austin.

The ups and downs of ‘I do’

Randy and Karen Rudrogen have been married for 16 1⁄2 years, but have been divorced and remarried.Now, they’re committed to making it work.

Area couples give advice on how to make your marriage stickStory by Michelle Haacke l Photo by Eric Johnson