Ethan: Mayor Whar-

ton, it is truly an honor

and a privilege to have

the unique opportunity

to interview you. Your

concern for our city is

tremendous and you

continuously ensure

that our city runs with

proper care.

Ethan: How has Mem-

phis improved during

your years as Mayor?

Mayor Wharton: Our

city government is much

more transparent now.

All of our contracts, sala-

ry information – it’s all

right there on our web-

site. We answer requests

for information from the

news media. We always

do that promptly and we

are much more open.

Outside government,

many more employment

opportunities in the way

of factories that we bring

here and by way of hav-

ing consolidated all of

our economic develop-

ments programs under

what is known as Mem-

phis EDGE, have im-

proved. In terms of quali-

ty of life, the bike lanes

for our city are an exam-

ple of improvement.

Ethan: What is your

favorite part about be-

ing mayor?

Mayor Wharton: When

you can do those things

that improve the quality

of life and you see it im-

mediately. That is some-

thing that I love about my

job. You just get so much

out of that. Ranging all

the way again from bring-

ing jobs in to correcting

conditions in our WIN

Programs, designed to

create jobs and provide

job skills. Before I be-

came Mayor they were

about to get rid of it be-

cause of mismanagement.

But when I came in,

Boom, we got it back

going. The best part is

just knowing you have

done something when

you get an immediate

benefit.

Ethan: Do you think

that the combined

School System will actu-

ally improve as a result

of the consolidation?

Mayor Wharton: In the

long term, yes. In the

short term, there will be

some disruption, simply

because this is a big mer-

ger. I think it will be min-

imal because of the plan-

ning period that we are

going through. I think

that someday down the

road, not in one year or

two years, all of those

who are so skeptical

about it, once the children

get together and don’t see

black and white, and it is

just kids getting along,

that is when we will look

back and say “what was

all of that foolishness

about.”

Ethan: Are there

certain people or things

that prevent you from

achieving your goals of

improving life in the

city of Memphis?

Mayor Wharton: Yes. It

is more of a societal im-

pediment. So many of us

doubt our city. They

doubt our potential. They

doubt our ability to dream

big and think big. People

thought we wouldn’t be

able to get Shelby Farms

done. People thought we

wouldn’t be able to get

the Green Line done.

These are the skeptics.

This is America. I respect

dissent because this is

what makes democracy

strong. But there is a dif-

ference between dissent

and unfound doubt. Our

greatest impediment is

not some external force,

but this internal doubt we

have. Dissent that is well

founded is acceptable as

long as you know why

you disagree and have a

strong basis for opinion.

There is a difference be-

tween dissent and doubt.

He who dissents has an

opinion based on their

perception based on

something they have read

or studied and have come

to a logical reason to dis-

sent. He who doubts is

nothing more than a skep-

tic because he hasn’t

An Interview With Mayor A.C. Wharton By Ethan Cooper ‘13

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6

APRIL 25 , 2012 The Cooper Chronicle The Last Laugh

TOSHIBA

Last MACS Update 2

Ilan’s Wacky

Creation 2

Numerous Numbers 3

Sports Center 4

AIPAC Activity 5

Sleep: Delay School

Start Time 6

Technology Corner 7

Avi Kirshtein’s

Column 8

Finding The Perfect

Handshake 9

Cooper’s Culture

Corner 10

The Vandal 11

Editor’s Note 11

Distorted Clarity 12

Recipe to Share 13

Noah’s Comic Corner 13

Opposing Viewpoints 16

INSIDE THIS ISSUE :

thought it through. They

are the ones who sit

around all the time who

say what can’t be done as

opposed to what can be

done.

Ethan: What have you

done to become more

accessible to the aver-

age Memphian?

Mayor Wharton: The

extensive use of social

media including Twitter,

Youtube, Facebook, and

Continued on page 7

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6 PAGE 2

.

By Efroni Schlesinger ’12

Last month, the Cooper Yeshiva High School Varsity Macs

returned from an amazing and incredibly successful trip to

New York for the 21st annual Red Sarachek Basketball tourna-

ment hosted by Yeshiva University. The tournament is the

largest Jewish tournament in the country, consisting of 20

teams from across North America. While Cooper was the

smallest school in the tournament, that certainly did not stop

them from winning.

The excitement began on Thursday night, March 22nd, with

the team’s first game against Beren Academy from Houston,

TX. Although the Macs were the underdog, the game came

down to the wire, with your Macs losing by a very slight mar-

gin. While the Macs were slightly dejected, they were also

excited about having the opportunity to compete in the second

of the tournament’s four tiers.

The second game was against Maimonides School from

Boston, Massachusetts. The Macs pulled off the win against

the much bigger school, and went into Shabbos prepared to

play in the Tier 2 semifinals on Sunday.

After a great Shabbaton that featured guest speaker Israeli

Army Sergeant Benjamin Anthony, the team headed to YU on

Sunday to take on Weinbaum Yeshiva High School from Boca

Raton, Florida, in the Tier II semifinals. The Macs went in

knowing that this may be the most important game of the sea-

son, and the team’s play reflected it. The Macs beat the Florid-

ians by 10 points. The sense of celebration was palpable, but

the celebration was brief; the Macs had their eyes on the Tier 2

championship. To get there, they would have to face JEC

(Elizabeth, NJ) in the finals.

The championship game, played at YU in front of a packed

house, was more exciting than anyone could have imagined.

The Macs came away with the victory, 38-35. The team and

dozens of alumni and fellow Memphians stormed the court.

The Cooper Macs, the smallest school in the entire tourna-

ment, beat out three much larger schools to be named the Tier

II champions.

The team’s success was not limited to the Sarachek Tourna-

ment. Their record this year was an incredible 27-5, the second

best record of any Jewish high school in North America. The

team also had a 17-game win streak during the course of the

season, the longest streak for any North American Jewish team

and the longest in school history. Additionally, the team won

their league this year (Shelby County Basketball League) and

took the annual Collierville Tournament for the first time in 10

years.

The Macs finished the year as the 14th best Jewish basket-

ball team in North America (according to Jewish Hoops Amer-

ica). Not bad for a school of 40.

Last MACS Update

Administrative Board Rabbi Dr. Gil Perl Rabbi Uriel Lubetski

Dean CYHSB Principal

Rabbi Yonason Gersten Rabbi Noam Stein

Mashgiach Ruchani Director of Student Life

The Cooper Chronicle

Jeremy Cooper (‘12) Lavi Tsuna (‘12)

Founding Editor-in-Chief/ Publisher Layout Editor

Dylan Cooper (‘13) Benjamin Kampf (‘14)

Founding Editor/ Publisher Bureau Associate

Ethan Cooper (‘13) Avi Kirshtein (‘12)

Managing Editor Comedic Associate

cyhsbnewspaper@gmail.com

The Cooper Chronicle is a monthly publication of, by,

and for the students of the Cooper Yeshiva High School.

Check out our website:

http://thecooperchronicle.webs.com.

Ilan’s Wacky Creation

T HE COOPER CHRONICLE PAGE 3

CYHSB By the Numbers

292,299,191,484,082 - Num-

ber of torrents downloaded

on an average CYHSB day

292,299,191,484,082 - Num-

ber of computer games

played by Rabbi Lubetski on

that same day

0 - Number of people who

can answer the fifth question

to ponder

47% - Approval rating of

President Barack Obama

Questions to Ponder:

1. Why can't women put

their mascara on with their

mouth closed?

2. Why do people say "heads

up" when you should duck?

3. What do people in China

call their good plates?

4. What if Lavi Tsuna wasn’t

working as an FBI undercov-

er agent?

5. What is a Sendy?

Numerous Numbers

8 - Meals eaten a day by

Bryan Itkowitz

99% of student body who

has contributed to The

Cooper Chronicle

Spell

Bourgeoisie

Jan Van

Eyck is...

Definition of

shpuch

Favorite

Underwater

Animal

The

Whiteout

Vandal

Is...

Tanya

Springfield,

Kitchen Staff

I ain’t goin’

even try

Can you

say that

word

again?

I never heard

that word

The dolphin! A student

Ben

Silberberg,

9th Grade

Boujwasi German Something to

say at random

times

Starfish Seth

Tzvi Joffre,

9th Grade

Bourgioisie The new

janitor

Random stuff Great white

shark

Ben

Silberberg

Lily Morris,

8th Grade

Borjuazee A historian Nutmeg Does a platypus

count?

YDR

Yaakov

Kaplan,

11th Grade

Borxiosz That

random

German

dude

The action of

making the

Big Bang

Boom

Seabear Lubes

Dr. Whitney

Kennon,

History Dept.

Bourgeoisie A Dutch

painter

Is that one of

those Jewish

words?

Piranhas A terrible,

terrible

human

being

Quote of the Month

“Evening news is where

anchors begin with

'Good evening,' and then

proceed to tell you why

it isn't.”

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6 PAGE 4

By Yonatan Cooper ‘15

The last issue of the year is sup-

posed to be memorable. My previ-

ous five articles have all been in

relation to the more popular sports

in the Memphis area: football and

basketball. They have been humor-

ous, bizarre, and many other adjec-

tives that describe the strange

thoughts that swirl in my head. For

the first time in Cooper Chronicle

history, there will be an article

about table tennis. This is not your

normal ping pong - all fun and

games. This is intense ping pong - I

mean old men in short-shorts ping

pong.

Deep in the depths of Highland

Road lies a place that ping pongers

of all ages dream about - the Bluff

City Table Tennis Club, located in

the Davis Community Center. Fifty

meters past the entrance are two

large glass windows. Through these

windows lie the experience of a

lifetime. You will find nine ping

pong tables, lined up in rows of

three, where men and women of all

ethnicities slam small white balls

like you have never seen before.

Recently three other CYHSBers -

Justin Wruble, Ethan Cooper, and

Jeremy Cooper - and I attended the

cultural festival. I can promise you

they would agree with the following

statement. These players are so

amazing and unique that any man

could write a 700 page novel on the

players’ quirks and appearances.

Unfortunately, we do not have

enough paper to write what would

be a best selling novel so I have

limited it to my top five favorite

ping pongers. Special consideration

goes to basketball star and table

tennis wizard, Reggie, who, though

recently winning a major tourna-

ment in Hawaii, did not make the

top 5 list.

#5: None other than the old guy

who wears the headband. That guy

is so cool. He comes to the club

about 45 minutes late in shorts and

starts to teach everyone how they

are supposed to play the game. For

example, I heard him tell some

teenage fellow, “Hey, the spunk on

your racket be debunked” - the rub-

ber on your paddle is dead. That

man is one of my greatest heroes.

#4: The young Indian boy who

borrowed money from one of my

friends. The conversation went

something like this. “Yo, I am hun-

gry,” remarks the young boy.

CYHSBer replies, “Cool beans

man, but how does that concern

me?” The lad replies, “Well, there

is a snack machine over there, and I

am fresh out of cash, so can I bor-

row some?” Our CYHSBer thinks

for a moment and asks, “When do

you think you can pay me back? Do

you not know someone here that

you’d be able to pay back quicker?”

“I don’t know” is all the young boy

could think to answer. My generous

friend ended up giving the boy

money for the snack machine,

knowing full well that the boy may

never return to Bluff

City. And return he has

not. After our last few

visits, the boy has not yet

appeared at the club, but

perhaps is whipping his

ping pong game into

shape to impress my

friend in the future.

#3: The master, Tai

Long Tey, from Malay-

sia. He enters the room with such

swag and just forehand slams it

every single time. He is so good

that before I go to sleep every night,

I just watch videos of this insane

player on Youtube. I urge you to

join me in watching the Michael

Jordan of table tennis at his finest.

#2: The guy who sells balls.

People call him the “Table Tennis

Dealer.” Newcomers to the club feel

comfortable coming up to him and

inquiring, “Dude, can I buy some

balls?” When my friend asked him

this very question, Terry responded,

“Sure, let's go to the trunk of my car

in the alley outside.” What sur-

prised me most was the unaffected

nod of my friend and watching my

friend walk over undaunted to Ter-

ry’s trunk to buy the balls in the

black market. I am pleased to point

out that my friend returned to East

Memphis unscathed.

#1: The best guy at the ping

pong club by far is the guy who has

trouble finishing words and speak-

ing. This guy sadly has trouble

bending over, walking, speaking,

and picking out the proper ward-

robe. But amazingly, this handicap

has not affected his ping ponging

one iota. When I walked up to the

table to play my match, I told him

to have a good game. The man re-

sponded, “Ha.. a goo... Gae.” I was

debating in my head whether I

should take this guy easy because I

felt bad for him or to play hard to

show off to all my ping pong col-

leagues. I decided to do the latter,

but I think he had the same mindset

because every time I

hit the ball to his side

he would slam the

ball right back and

the ball would smack

me right in the side

of the face. By the

end of the match, he

had beaten me easily

three games to love

and I just wanted to

say to him, “Can you

be my grandpa?” I was only able to

half-mouth these words because I

was so starstruck by this man’s ping

pong abilities. At the end of the

match the guy said to me with all

his strength, “Goo’ ga’e ni’e shots

‘oo hit out there.”

So to sum it up there is nothing

quite like the Bluff City Table Ten-

nis Club. It is one of the most di-

verse, worst-dressed places I have

ever visited. But there is one sure

thing about the ping pong club:

characters are welcome.

T HE COOPER CHRONICLE PAGE 5

By Isaac Graber ‘14

The past few months have been

very busy in terms of the AIPAC

activity at our school. The main

events were the AIPAC Policy Con-

ference in Washington, D.C. and a

trip to Steve Cohen’s office to lob-

by him on pressing issues regarding

Israel and the U.S.-Israel relation-

ship.

This year’s AIPAC Policy Con-

ference was an amazing experience

for myself and many others from

the school. From the very beginning

we were placed in invigorating ses-

sions. These sessions ranged over a

wide scope of topics regarding Isra-

el and America, and we had the

option to go to whichever sessions

interested us the most. For example,

my most engaging session was

about why Iran wants nuclear weap-

ons. However, the part of the con-

ference that was most interesting for

me was listening to the many highly

acclaimed speakers AIPAC was

able to bring in and hearing their

support for Israel. I could not be-

lieve I was actually in the same

room as Israeli Prime Minister Ben-

jamin Netanyahu while he spoke

about how Israel will always main-

tain her right to defend herself in all

situations while he was referring to

the situation with Iran. And then, I

was even more blown away as I

listened to Senator Mitch

McConnell as he spoke about his

proposal to change U.S. policy in

order to enforce a tighter leash on

Iran. These were legitimate, sub-

stantial speeches made by important

politicians, and it was all happening

while we were sitting right there

within a stone’s throw away from

them. The other amazing part about

the conference was lobbying our

senators and congressman. This was

my second time ever lobbying at

Capitol Hill, and it was so cool to

realize how much of an impact our

Memphis delegation was making by

speaking directly to our politicians

about pressing, current issues. I had

the privilege of lobbying Tennessee

Senator Lamar Alexander about

foreign aid to Israel. In fact, I was

quoted in the front section of the

New York Times for some of the

things I mentioned in my presenta-

tion to the Senator. Overall, the

2012 AIPAC Policy Conference

was incredible; I learned so much, it

was very inspiring, and I hope to be

able to return to next year’s confer-

ence.

The other main AIPAC related

event that students from our school

have taken part in recently was go-

ing to the district office in Memphis

to lobby Con-

gressman

Steve Cohen.

This was the

first time

several stu-

dents from

our school

had ever spo-

ken to a poli-

tician, and I

know it was a

very fascinat-

ing experi-

ence for

them. The

lobbying

went very

well. Along

with discuss-

ing the three

main issues on AIPAC’s legislative

agenda at the time, we also asked

some great questions to the Con-

gressman that really helped broaden

each of our knowledge bases and

made the conversation with the

Congressman go very smoothly. For

example, Eli Sadetsky asked a ques-

tion about Russia’s involvement

with Israel, and Jake Pollack asked

a more general question to Con-

gressman Cohen on how he re-

sponds to political questions when

he does not want to take a position.

Recent Surge in AIPAC Activity

Overall, I believe the group from

our school made a positive impact.

This trip was organized by the new

AIPAC club at our school founded

by myself and Dylan Cooper in

conjunction with the Teen Israel

Advocacy Class at Baron Hirsch

Synagogue. We hope to organize

another trip to lobby Congressman

Steve Fincher in the near future.

This recent surge of AIPAC in-

volvement at the Margolin Hebrew

Academy has come at a good time,

as Israel is not in a very favorable

position right now with threats of a

nuclear Iran as well as the ongoing

struggle over land disputes with the

Palestinian Authority. Our school

may not be large, but we have al-

ready made a positive impact on the

U.S.-Israel relationship by having

over ten students attend the AIPAC

Policy Conference, starting a new

AIPAC club at the school, and lob-

bying our current Congressman. If

we keep this up, our small school

should be able to make a lasting

impact over time on the U.S.-Israel

relationship that will last throughout

my time as a student and onto the

rising generation of students at the

Margolin Hebrew Academy.

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6 PAGE 6

By Leib Wiener ‘15

When a baby is born, he or she

should get 12-18 hours of sleep a

day. For toddlers, 12-14 hours are

necessary, 11-13 hours for a pre-

schooler, 10-11 hours for kids ages

5-10, and for us teenagers 9-10

hours. Recently, I sent out a poll to

the CYHSB about how much sleep

students get each night. Of the 27

responses that I received only one

student actually gets the prescribed

amount of 9-10 hours of sleep. 10 kids got around 7-8 hours which is

still not good, and the rest of the

students (16 of them) get 6 hours or

less sleep a night. This lack of sleep

is an

epidemic

that has

slowly

but sure-

ly invad-

ed not

just our

school

but also

many

other

schools.

And like

any epidemic it has to be stopped

fast. The change has to start within

the school itself.

Our school has set the arrival

time at 7:25 AM. Every day, stu-

dents wake up groggy and lethar-gic. Throughout the day they fall

asleep, can’t concentrate, and be-

come irritable. Most people would

say, “Well it’s the teen’s fault that

they’re staying up late.”

Scientific evidence disagrees

with that statement. A teenager’s

circadian rhythm (an internal bio-

logical clock) tells him to go to

sleep late and wake up late, while

the circadian rhythm for adults and

kids tell them to go to sleep early

and wake up early. By setting the

arrival time at 7:25, the school is

interfering with our natural sleep

rhythm. This in turn disrupts our

growth and development.

A typical day for the CYHSB

teenager begins at 6:30 to 7:00 in

the morning. As the day continues

he becomes more tired. When he

finally gets home after finishing

school at 5:45 PM and completing

after school activities he finishes

his homework, showers, eats din-

ner, and finally goes to bed after

midnight. The next day, this student wakes up at the same time he woke

up the day before: at 6:30 – 7:00,

and the cycle continues. The prob-

lem is that we are missing at least

one

hour of

the 8-9

hours

we need

to be

sleeping

per

night.

We’re

talking

about a

week of

missing

that one hour resulting in missing 5

hours of the sleep needed. That is a

significant amount of sleep missed.

As a result of missing those pre-

cious hours of sleep, we slowly

become groggy, lose concentration

in class, and can become depressed.

Sleep deprivation can also lead to

bad grades because the more tired

you are, the harder it is for you to

concentrate and retain information.

However, the most dangerous of

these symptoms is being too tired to

drive safely. The National Highway

Safety Traffic Administration esti-

mates that more than 100,000 acci-

dents, 40,000 injuries, and 1,500

people are killed in the U.S. every

year in crashes caused by tired

drivers.

This is a problem I feel the

school can fix. The administration

can decide to postpone our arrival

time to 8 or 9 o’clock, which would

be in sync with our natural sleep

rhythm. If we get a good night

sleep on Sunday night and then

start school at 9:00 on Monday

morning we would feel energized

and ready for the day ahead of us.

Throughout the 10-hour day you

are more refreshed and more ener-

getic. The school would recom-

mend finishing homework at 11:00

and ideally heading to bed by

11:30. The next day, students wake

up at 9:00 again, fully refreshed.

It would please me greatly if the

administration took this article and

research into consideration. We

may just have a more happy and

productive school in the coming

year.

Op-ed: Sleep is not an Option, It’s a Necessity

Randall LaVene

4933 Amboy Rd.

Memphis, TN 38117

Randall’s Tech Repair Service Specializing in Computer Repair and

Home Audio Setup

For more details on price ranges and to make an appointment,

please call Randall at 901-409-7929 or email ba-

ruch6132@gmail.com

T HE COOPER CHRONICLE PAGE 7

By Randall LaVene ‘13

In October 2009, Windows 7

was released and had fixed all the

problems from Windows Vista. It

was much faster than Vista and add-

ed a few features. In 2010, Mi-

crosoft released Windows Phone 7,

which added something called Live

Tiles that was the main menu of the

phone. Live Tiles showed all in-

coming messages — recent phone

calls, Facebook messages and so on

— on the home screen. In addition,

the phone ran very smoothly and

fast at a very low cost. Now, in

2012, Microsoft will be releasing

Windows 8 which re-innovates the

way we use computers.

Windows 8 is something com-

pletely different than the traditional

desktop. Its main focus is tablet

computers. The touch friendly start

menu is styled in the exact same

way as Live Tiles from Windows

Phone 7 (now renamed the Metro

Style Menu). The only difference is

the fact that you scroll through the

menu from side to side, not up and

down. Though these features may

seem intimidating to desktop users,

Microsoft has tweaked the system

to make it desktop-friendly and not

feel foreign.

Microsoft has finally added a

Windows Store, its very own app

store. This was nothing unexpected,

considering this has happened to

every other operating system and

Microsoft had left it in the dust.

This “app store” has a few perks.

Not only is it available for the tab-

lets, but it’s available for the desk-

tops, and whatever app you get is

used in the metro style start menu

and works very fast and efficiently.

Another great thing about this spe-

cific “app store” is that you can

have demos of apps before purchas-

ing them. I find this feature incredi-

ble because I am always uncomfort-

able buying an app without know-

ing much about it, and Microsoft

has finally fulfilled my dream.

So far, I have mainly discussed

additions to Windows and the Met-

ro start menu and “app store,” but

now, I want to assure you that the

new desktop experience is not too

daunting. You can still run all your

favorite apps from Windows Vista

or Windows 7, as well as games

such as World of Warcraft, Portal,

or even Call of Duty. Not to men-

tion you can still have your task bar

like in Windows 7. The only differ-

ence in this aspect of Windows 8 is

the start button, of which Microsoft

has eliminated and added something

called the charm bar.

This new Operating System will

be on the market in late 2012. There

are many new changes and addi-

tions that can benefit everyone no

matter what kind of device they use.

"heroes" currently active in im-

proving life for Memphians?

Mayor Wharton: Definitely my wife

and I am not saying that just to be

cute. Ranging from her support of

programs that support summer pro-

grams and jobs to all sorts of chari-

table programs she is involved in.

She helps candidates for political

office. When she goes into some-

thing, she goes into it 100%. She

doesn’t take no for an answer. The

others would be the many individu-

als that are so charitable in their

giving to make Memphis a better

place. Your Fred Smiths for exam-

ple. And your family, for example.

Your family is synonymous with

big-heartedness, magnanimity, and

charity. I say all the time that it is

great to have railways and runways.

But when all is said and done, that

is not what makes a great city, it is

always being available to the press.

No matter how good or bad. We

have town hall meetings. Even

though I am already elected, the

best way to sum up how I’m acces-

sible is by waking up everyday and

thinking I’m in a re-election cam-

paign.

Ethan: How aggressive will our

city be in keeping the Grizzlies?

Mayor Wharton: Very aggressive. I

would love for them to designate

me as their number one cheerleader.

There is so much that I, as Mayor,

can do in order to keep ticket sales

soaring and spirits up. It is clear that

we do not have millions of dollars

we can just throw at it. But through

the use of my moral bully pulpit,

the sky is the limit!

Ethan: Who are some of your

the people. The physical structures

don’t really make a great city. Have

you ever seen a large building em-

brace a young, hungry child or em-

brace a stranger? No. It is the peo-

ple not the buildings or structures.

Ethan: What do you do when you

are not busy being Mayor? What

are your favorite hobbies?

Mayor Wharton: I am an avid read-

er. I read three or four newspapers a

day. Wall Street Journal, New York

Times, Commercial Appeal, you

name it. As you can see in my of-

fice, I have shelves of books that I

enjoy reading. I just read read read.

Occasionally I go to the golf course.

The golf course is just really relax-

ing.

Ethan: Thank you very much for

your time, Mr. Mayor.

Mayor Wharton: You’re quite

welcome Ethan.

Windows 8 - The Desktop of the Future

A.C. Wharton Interview Continued from Cover Page

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6 PAGE 8

By Avi Kirshtein ‘12

I have obtained two skills in the

field of writing over the past couple

of years. Through the newspaper, I

have been able to write comedic

articles of relatively decent quality.

But much to everyone’s dismay, I

have become pretty skilled at com-

ing up with bad puns. Now, for the

last Cooper Chronicle article of my

high school career I shall embark on

the ultimate journey: an article of

non-stop puns. Aside from the 100

words in this introduction, I am

going to try to write 700 words of

puns in a coherent article. Let the

sighs and eye-rolling begin!

I wanted to be a botanist, but I

could just never PLANT the idea in

my mind. I actually read about an

abduction-prone tree telling an owl,

“Get in my TRUNK!” I must apolo-

gize, for I have always been a SAP

for tree jokes. Some people might

even call it the ROOT of my pun

problems. After this I realized that

I should BRANCH out to other cat-

egories for jokes. I will now LEAF

tree jokes alone. If you want my

advice, Optometry is a good EYE-

dea. Astrology is also a STELLAR

subject. I then wanted to work at an

orchard, but I never ended

up sending in the APPLE-

cation. Speaking of Apple,

people lost a lot of JOBS

this past year, and I apolo-

gize to the public for this

loss. The reason their

technology is so expensive

is because they take their

computer capabilities to the MACs.

PC really wishes there was a

GATEWAY to obtain such popular-

ity. Luckily there are WINDOWS

of opportunity.

Being the Jewish scholar, that I

am, I once studied so hard that I

TORAH ligament. After the crea-

tion of people, Adam got married to

his wife that very EVEning. I

would never be ABEL to kill my

brother, but I know of someone who

CAIN. If you ever need someone to

build an ark, I NOAH guy. At first,

Noah tried to build his ark out of a

cactus, but everyone knew he was

ARKING UP THE WRONG

TREE. The most famous orphan in

the Bible is undoubtedly Joshua, the

son of NONE. But no one can be a

better comedian than Samson: He

truly BROUGHT THE HOUSE

DOWN.

If every paragraph topic was a

balloon, I am now going to POP-

CULTURE. Sylvester Stallone’s

career got off to a ROCKY start,

but he eventually succeeded by

thinking INSIDE THE BOX. By

his fourth movie, Stallone was

RUSSIAN for success. Those mov-

ies really packed PUNCH. You can

take any JOURNEY you would like

(Seriously, ANY WAY YOU

WANT IT) when you DON’T

STOP BELIEVING. There are just

so many SEPARATE WAYS you

can go. I must say that joke

ROCKed! This is probably stress-

ing you out, so I guess I should

have discussed CALM-edy. I’m

sorry if you don’t like music puns,

so I guess, I’ll end this paragraph on

a better NOTE.

I once saw Hydrogen

and Oxygen trying to

make water, all I could

say is, “Aw look!

They’re BONDING.”

I’m really bad at chemis-

try: My teacher will say

H2O, and I will say

“WATER you talking about?” But I

seldom understand my teachers:

They told me that they averaged my

grades, and I responded, “What

does that MEAN?” Then there was

the chemist who dumped the chemi-

cal NaOH on a copy of the Blind

Side DVD just so he could say

“Now it’s BASED ON A TRUE

STORY.” From that last joke if you

came to the conclusion that NaOH

isn’t an acid, I could only reply

“BASE-ically.”

I recently read about Gilgamesh:

it was EPIC. The author of the ep-

ics The Iliad and The Odyssey really

hit a HOMER with those master-

pieces. They were even more

THOREAU than Henry David’s

work. I don’t understand how he

could write so much. The inventors

of the airplane had the WRIGHT

idea. Even Thomas Edison was run-

ning out of ideas, but then the

LIGHT BULB WENT ON. Of

course Edison had Benjamin Frank-

lin to thank for giving him the KEY

to that idea. Franklin has been the

most influential American since the

president who had spent all his time

LINCOLN the north and south to-

gether. Jethro Tull really PLOWED

into the historical spectrum when he

finished his invention. Then of

course there are the less successful

history figures: Daoism is truly a

LAO-ZI philosophy.

The man who went on a tour of

Scandinavia and visited Sweden,

Norway, Iceland, and Denmark

could never FINNISH his tour.

Unlike this man, who never made it

to New Hampshire either, I have

CONCORD my challenge. I might

as well have been swimming in a

French river, because either way, I

was IN-SEINE. I PUNted this chal-

lenge away, but now I must end

these corny yet aMAIZEing jokes.

Well, that was the most difficult

thing I have ever done. After fin-

ishing this article, I think I am in

need of some Ibuprofen and a nap.

I hope you enjoyed this little project

because I am in serious pain right

now. Luckily, this was completely

worth it, and I am glad I embarked

on this journey. I would like to

thank The Cooper Chronicle for

giving me three years of journalistic

opportunities, and it has been a

pleasure every step of the way to

write these columns. Thank you for

reading this, and if I offended any

of you, please remember that it’s all

in good PUN!!!

Best Newspaper Article Ever!

T HE COOPER CHRONICLE PAGE 9

By Jake Pollack ‘14

Being the excellent communica-

tor that I am, I find it intriguing how

unsatisfactory the average hand-

shake is, something that really

grinds my gears. Thus, I am taking

the initiative and doing something

about it. Below are ten different

types of handshakes, nine of which

are bad, and one of which is good. I

encourage you to read this article

and take the first step to becoming a

great communicator. Find out what

type of handshake you use and what

traits I attribute to your handshake.

You only meet somebody for the

first time once, make it count by

using the right handshake.

#10 The Dead Fish

Perhaps the

worst handshake

on the list, the

dead fish shows

weakness. Dur-

ing the shake, the hand feels as if it

has no bones. This handshake is

linked directly to shy and timid peo-

ple. Unless you would like to be

seen as weak and frail, never use

this handshake.

#9 The Bone Crusher

The bone crusher is the most

painful handshake on the list. It

occurs when a person squeezes the

others hand tremendously hard.

This handshake is mostly used by

people who seek power. The bone

crusher is frequently used subcon-

sciously in situations in which a

person feels threatened by another's

authority.

#8 The Politician

The Politician handshake is the

most catchy

shake on the

list. This type

of handshake

happens when

both hands are being used in the

shake. An example of this would be

putting my left hand on your shoul-

der while we are shaking. This

handshake is meant to give the im-

pression that the shaker is a trust-

worthy person who actually cares

about you, exactly what a politician

tries to make you believe. Many

contend that such a greeting makes

one seem insincere. Unless you

actually are very close with the per-

son, don't use the politician.

#7 The Controller

The controller is when one per-

son pulls the other person towards

them during the handshake. This is

done in order to try and control the

other person. Like its name, the

controller is used by people who

seek to always be in control. Don't

ever use the controller, it shows

zero class.

#6 The Finger

This type of shake takes place

when a person only grabs the others

fingers, and not their entire hand.

This shake is often used by insecure

and awkward people. The goal of

this shake is to keep others at a dis-

tance. If a person uses this shake

with you, there is a good chance

that he or she does not enjoy your

presence. Try to forget the shake

ever happened, and go on with your

day. Never use this shake with oth-

ers.

#5 The Hand Wrestler

The hand wrestler is a very ag-

gressive shake that occurs when

your hand is taken aggressively and

twisted underneath the other per-

son's hand. This is often done in a

violent manner. This shake is used

by aggressive people who always

like to be on top. Be careful if you

know somebody who uses this

shake, it most likely means they

don't like compromise and will do

anything in their power to get exact-

ly what they want.

#4 The Brush Off

Finding the Perfect Handshake This handshake happens so fast

you may never remember shaking

hands. People will try to keep the

conversation with you as short as

possible because they feel their time

is worth more than yours. This

shake only causes trouble; never use

it.

#3 The Teacup

When there is no palm to palm

action in the handshake, we call this

the teacup. From a comfort point of

view, this shake is horrendous and

intolerable. Whether it be a secret or

an object, please be well aware that

people who use the teacup are hid-

ing something.

#2 The Sweaty Palm

After this shake you may want to

wash your hands. This shake is

done when the shaker has sweaty

palms or hands. It’s people who use

the sweaty palm that keep hand

sanitizer companies in business.

Sweaty palm people are nervous

and uncomfortable. Be nice to them

and try your best to calm them

down. Help them relax.

#1 The Perfect Handshake

This handshake is the best on the

market. The perfect shake can

change your life. It starts with eye

contact and a nice big smile. After a

second or two, offer your hand in a

friendly way. Make sure to grab the

other’s hand firmly and shake up

and down. A clean hand is a must

when using this shake. After using

the perfect handshake, you can

watch your life improve drastically.

People will take you seriously and

businesses will want to hire you.

What you can accomplish with the

perfect handshake is limitless. En-

joy.

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6 PAGE 10

Cooper’s Culture Corner:

The Place for All Things Pop Culture

Yes No

Should corporal punishment be

legal?

58% 42%

Should our school get rid of grades

for limudei kodesh?

68% 32%

Should Americans who donate

money to Israel have the right to

voice their opinions about Israel

policy decisions?

52% 48%

Should Israel have ransomed Gilad

Shalit for such a high price?

61% 39%

Should gambling be legalized? 90% 10%

Should graffiti be legalized? 39% 61%

Opposing Viewpoints Year-round CYHSB Poll

0%

10%

20%

30%

40%

50%

60%

70%

80%

90%

100%

Mitt Romney Barack Obama

Who would you vote for in the upcoming

elections?

Happy Birthday to:

Jeremy Cooper

(Mar. 1) Bryan Itkowitz

(Mar. 1) Aaron Rubenstein

(Mar. 10) Isaac Graber

(Mar. 25) Gabe Addess

(Mar. 30) Avi Kirshtein

(Apr. 4)

T HE COOPER CHRONICLE PAGE 11

By Dylan Cooper ‘13

A criminal is upon us, and there is

no better time to act than now. Only

problem is he’s unknown. Some call

this anonymity the Shady Shabbos

Shucher. Others know him as the

Whippin’ Wizard. But I dub this mis-

creant the Whiteout

Vandal.

Our school has

been struck with utter

mortification and

justice must be

served. The CYHSB

has not seen a crime

this horrific in its

existence.

AP Government students have

compared the scandal to episodes as

tragic as Derrick Rose cheating on his

SAT. Rabbi Gersten was quoted in

his Gemara shiur for likening White-

out Vandal to the rapist in Lincoln

Park, otherwise christened the “Bed

Intruder.” Rabbi Stein feels the Van-

dal is capable of things even Dyl

Picklestein can’t take care of.

Whomever it is, she has injected

more fear into the CYHSB institution

than students can handle. When Mr.

Steve strode into

school on Monday,

April 16, he noted,

“We goin’ catch who

done it. At least the

cameras will.”

School jock Bryan

Itkowitz couldn’t

have felt any more

remorse over the incident: “I felt hu-

miliated. All the tears in the world

and comfort by [fellow jock] Eli

Osdoba couldn’t stop me from being

upset.” Even Yonatan Cooper was

overheard whispering to Ben Kampf,

“I hear he is more addicted to white-

out than I am to virtual golf. That’s a

hard work each issue on Nu-

merous Numbers and for his

counterpoint to my point. I

know that under his leadership

next year, The Chronicle will

surely be enhanced. My heart-

felt grati-

tude also

extends

to layout

editor,

Lavi

Tsuna;

manag-

ing edi-

tor,

Ethan

Cooper; bureau associate, Ben-

jamin Kampf; comedic associ-

ate, Avi Kirshtein; pollster

Dear Fellow Students of the

CYHSB and Members of the

Greater Memphis Community,

I am deeply saddened to

note that this is my very last

edition of

The Cooper

Chronicle. I

would like to

thank all of

my editorial

staff and

those who

work hard in

the

Newspaper/

Journalism

Club I administer weekly. I

especially want to thank co-

founder Dylan Cooper for his

MHA-FYOS/CYHSB/CSI:NY/SVU

Editor’s note Akiva Somer; and lastly to reg-

ular columnists, all freshmen,

Yonatan Cooper, Leib Wiener,

and William Weinstein.

On the other hand, I am

thrilled to report that we have

raised almost $1,500 in funds

for the school. We chose not to

print in color or in newsprint in

order to save the money we

received in advertising for the

school.

I wish my successors much

success in the years to come

and will certainly extend a

helping hand in writing a col-

umn while I am in Israel.

Best of luck,

Jeremy Cooper

problem.” And a problem that is.

I assumed the role of head detec-

tive not for myself, but for the justice,

safety and security of the greater

Memphis community. I sincerely

hope this case will not reach the Su-

preme Court, let alone Memphis City

Courts, but I cannot make any guar-

antees.

“My barometer gauges this type of

felony a solid 8.25 out of 10 – a true

rarity,” said President Jeremy

Cooper, “The Commercial Appeal

has announced that its Most Wanted

investigators will release a report in

an upcoming issue.”

If you have any clues or sugges-

tions, please contact (901) 833-0797.

The masked man was last seen on

camera on Friday, April 6, according

to the Department of Homeland Se-

curity.

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6 PAGE 12

we set up giant wind farms and a

massive concrete wall to block off

the Amazon rain forest, or whatev-

er. This “C” deals with changing the

rules of evolution, effectively stop-

ping it and saying, “Everybody

wins!” in a revoltingly sweet voice

which makes all of the mature peo-

ple in the room roll their eyes.

Luckily, this is the most far-fetched

idea because let’s face it, humans

don’t change that easily.

Another way to win the game of

life is to try the second “C”- cy-

borgs. A brief explanation of a cy-

borg is somebody who is part-

human, part-robot. The most obvi-

ous use for computer-enhanced peo-

ple, in my opinion, is to support and

deploy super-powers. I will be hon-

est - I would absolute-

ly do whatever I have

to do in order to get

laser eyes and built-in

bazooka arms. How-

ever, on more serious

terms, this field could

also see advances in a

rather sinister-

sounding branch of

vaguely disturbing

science: bio-tech, or living ma-

chines. This means that we could

make a brain that could connect to

the Internet, or eyes that have cells

that naturally produce lasers (oh

joy!), or even skin grafts with extra

senses that can locate living crea-

tures in the dark by feeling their

electrical signature, like sharks.

This “C” is embracing evolution,

using our most valuable asset as a

species - the power to think - as a

tool to help us adapt faster and bet-

ter than ever before. We won’t have

to worry about what faces us be-

cause we’ll know that whatever it

is, we will grow stronger because of

it.

The final “C”, spaCe, is frighten-

ingly possible. This third option for

Spoiler alert: This Distorted

Clarity article is not depressing.

To begin with, I would like to

put forth that evolution, by its very

nature, is a brutal, fast-paced elimi-

nation game, and the last species

standing “wins.” This is evident in

the very fact that the most important

goal in, say, a lizard’s life is to pro-

duce as many other lizards as possi-

ble. In order to do this, it needs to

stay alive. In order to stay alive, it

needs to defend itself, eat and sur-

vive. In order to do that, the lizard

adapts; it begins eating other organ-

isms, growing scales, a tail, the abil-

ity to grow back the tail, fast reac-

tions, and so on. This all flows from

the fact that the lizard is trying to

propagate the species. The more

lizards there are, the longer the spe-

cies will last. I win the argument.

Moving on.

Humanity should focus on ensur-

ing that we win this game of life, if

you will, and there are a few ways

to do this. I am of the opinion that

humanity should devote obscene

amounts of time, energy, effort, and

money to the sciences, specifically

in one or more of the realms of

what I like to call the three C’s:

Conservation, Cyborgs, and spaCe.

The first and least fun way to

ensure that humanity is the champi-

on species of Earth is the way of the

first “C” - conservation. This is a

fancy way of saying: “save the

Earth.” More advanced technology

would allow us to live in balanced

harmony with the environment and

the rest of the world. Snore. Liberal

peaceniks. Human nature would

make this difficult, as we all want to

be rich and happy and take ad-

vantage of our fellow man, but in

this imaginary and befuddled future

we have somehow managed to

brainwash ourselves into coexisting

peacefully with the environment,

saving everything on Earth. Maybe

humanity is to admit that we are

voracious, competitive and obnox-

ious - and proud of it. In this future,

we admit to all of our faults, but

rather than change them, we simply

consume Earth’s resources, then

pack enough people onto a space-

ship or underground mole colony to

sustain a population, and ship them

off to continue the species. The re-

maining people on Earth will keep

sending off these “arks” whenever

their population hits an unsustaina-

ble number, and the colonies will do

likewise. Soon, we will have hu-

mans everywhere, and truly win at

evolution’s vicious game. Further-

more, if the sun were to die, human-

ity could theoretically carry on, in

some other solar system, lasting

potentially ad infinitum. I think that

we might even

be able to

squeeze in a la-

ser eye or two

along the way.

This “C” doesn’t

even care about

evolution, it

simply picks up

humanity and

carries it into the future as it is.

Maybe humans will adapt to space,

maybe they won’t. But by then,

evolution won’t be a race; it’ll be

another tool in the human arsenal of

survival strategies.

In conclusion, I would like to

think that if humanity plays its

cards well, and realizes that evolu-

tion is a simple game, we could

potentially outnumber even insects.

We may make sacrifices, and we

may make mistakes, but in the end,

our species has the potential to be

something of real significance. Who

knows? Maybe we’ll even find out

that we’re not alone, and have to

wage a violent and bloody war

against some alien race. Or Canada.

Whichever comes first.

"“Soon, we will have

humans everywhere, and

truly win at evolution’s

vicious game."

Distorted Clarity: By William Weinstein ‘15

The Three C’s

T HE COOPER CHRONICLE PAGE 13

A Recipe to Share

Noah’s Comic Corner

Meat Loaf by Leib Wiener

Ingredients for Meatloaf:

1 ½ pounds ground beef

2 eggs

3 tablespoon of ketchup

½ cup of bread crumbs

1 tablespoon onion soup

mix

1 teaspoon garlic powder

1 teaspoon onion powder

¼ teaspoon black pepper

Topping for sauce:

½ cups of ketchup

3 tablespoons

brown sugar

3 tablespoons

mustard

2 tablespoons onion

soup mix

Instructions:

1. Preheat oven to 350˚F

2. Mix the beef with eggs, ketchup, bread

crumbs and seasoning

3. Pat into 9 x 4-inch loaf pan

4. Mix topping ingredients and pour on top

5. Bake one hour uncovered in the preheated

oven

VOLUME 3 , ISSUE 6 PAGE 14

Thank You To All Our

Sponsors!

A

World-Class Cen-

ter of

Excellence for

Oncology, Hema-

tology, Radiology, and other

Advanced Medical

Care

T HE COOPER CHRONICLE PAGE 15

Congratulations on

another great edition

of The Cooper

Chronicle!

Jeremy Cooper’s Response

“We feel that street art is the most

accessible way to break free from the

culture of materialism and the uniform

isonomy of a planned suburban com-

munity. Graffiti is one of four elements

of hip hop culture – along with rap,

DJing, and break dancing – yet, for

some skewed reason, it’s the only form

that is illegal,” argues the standard pro-

ponent for hip hop revolution.

Self-expression. Giving the invisible

the power to be seen. It almost seems

like a no-brainer to legalize graffiti. But

here’s the reality. Graffiti is harmful

to all layers of society – homeowners,

communities, businesses, schools, and

the street artists themselves. Graffiti –

whether it’s tagging, spray painting, or

stenciling murals – should be consid-

ered vandalism, unless the drawer has

been granted authorization to draw in

designated areas.

From a communal perspective, street

artists cost businesses and city govern-

ments a huge sum of money in damages

and pose serious dangers to neighbor-

hood security. In 2007, The Tennessean

reported that the

Tennessee Depart-

ment of Transporta-

tion spent more

than $240,000 on

removing graffiti

along its roads and

bridges; that ex-

pense isn’t even a

fiftieth of the cost

that states with larger cities, like Chica-

go, Phoenix and New York, accrue.

In 2002, Deborah Lamm Weisel,

research professor at the Department of

Political Science and Public Admin-

istration of North Carolina State Uni-

versity, found a direct correlation be-

tween graffiti and reduced readership

on transit systems, as well as reduced

retail sales and a decline in property

values. She reported that graffiti gener-

ates a perception of blight and height-

ens fear of gang activity. Unfortunately,

much of street art emanates from gang

and hate groups. If graffiti vandalism

were to be legalized, then street artists

would feel that more serious crimes,

such as theft and violence, might also

go unchallenged.

When all is said and done, our youth

is most jeopardized by graffiti and its

messages. The U.S. Department of Ed-

ucation discovered that in 2011, 29% of

students saw hate-related graffiti in

their schools. Put simply, graffiti sends

hurtful messages to today’s youngsters.

When I was in fifth grade, an older kid

wrote an obscene word on the paper

towel dispenser in the men’s room. It

wasn’t long before my classmates and

even some of the younger children in

the elementary school began using this

word and felt that they too could van-

dalize school property. Is this what we

want in our school — to legalize self-

expression at the expense of damaging

private property, and more importantly,

the morality of our children.

Most importantly, legalizing graffiti

would be detrimental for the hip-hop

segment of society. Street art has a long

and complicated history, but there is

one striking theme: graffiti is increas-

ingly popular among

violent gangs. Between

1985 and 1989, the MTA

subway system clamped

down on its anti-graffiti

efforts, including the

removal of marked sub-

way trains, and suddenly

gang violence and bomb-

ings lessened dramatical-

ly (see http://www.at149st.com/).

Today, graffiti remains the most

common type of property vandalism.

Nevertheless, for some, graffiti is not

just about tagging names, it lets them

piece together impressive visuals. For

these street artists, their dream is to find

public fame and to see their art in local

newspapers. So, here’s a solution that

doesn’t involve legalizing a harmful

crime. City governments should estab-

lish local street art associations that

give these adolescents the opportunity

to showcase their skills. Kids will slow-

ly leave street gangs, make money and

potentially achieve fame.

Dylan Cooper’s Response

Say goodbye to the Mona Lisa. No

need for Starry Night anymore. The

Girl with a Pearl Earring no longer

bears any cultural significance.

Outlawing graffiti would be strip-

ping America of its creativity. It would

take away cultural expression. It would

suppress the rights and freedoms of a

community that sees no other viable

way of getting its voice out to the real

world.

How can one not appreciate an art

that has lasted in caves around the

world since Paleolithic times? Are you

not dumbfounded when you look out

the train to see a beautiful “tag” in the

most inaccessible places?

Graffiti allows talented artists an

opportunity to make a difference in

their community. It provides Carlos

Dales of Flint, Michigan, the chance to

reach a major audience and to show

people what talent really is.

Of course many contend that graffiti

is dirty and obscene – to such censori-

ous cowards I must admit that graffiti

can contain inappropriate material.

Thus, I believe the United States gov-

ernment should implement legislation

to pass a federal law to permit graffiti,

as long as it does not include profani-

ties.

Graffiti is an art form like no other,

and the government would be violating

our Bill of Rights if such a law is enact-

ed. “Neglected and crime-ridden areas

of L.A. can become the gallery for a

very talented group of young artists

who might not otherwise have an outlet

for their creativity,” noted Patricia

Maggio an advocate for graffiti legali-

zation.

“Banning graffiti would exacerbate

violence in urban communities,” con-

tinued Maggio. It would infringe on

Americans’ rights. And lastly, it would

simply make people — men and wom-

en integral to the fabric of American

society — angry. Who in their right

minds would want that?

Opposing Viewpoints: Graffiti - A Public Detriment or Harmless Self Expression?