understanding how your family functions

Understanding How Understanding How Your Family FunctionsYour Family Functions

Family Seminar Family Seminar by Trevor O’Reggioby Trevor O’Reggio

IntroductionIntroduction Most of us have experienced some pain Most of us have experienced some pain

and anguish in our family of origin, and anguish in our family of origin, some more than others. some more than others.

Why not just leave our families Why not just leave our families behind? behind?

Why not forget about them and go Why not forget about them and go on with our lives?on with our lives?

We can’t walk away and pretend our We can’t walk away and pretend our families never happened.families never happened.

QuoteQuoteAs children, we tend to mold our personalities to As children, we tend to mold our personalities to adapt to our environment. If our environment is adapt to our environment. If our environment is supportive, nurturing, and flexible, we are freed to supportive, nurturing, and flexible, we are freed to express our own individuality. If your environment is express our own individuality. If your environment is rigid, demanding, and conditional, however, we are rigid, demanding, and conditional, however, we are forced to shape our behavior to fit the needs of forced to shape our behavior to fit the needs of others. We substitute our true self for a false self others. We substitute our true self for a false self that is more acceptable to our parents, whose love that is more acceptable to our parents, whose love and approval we need desperately. In essence we and approval we need desperately. In essence we compromise who we really are, and become what compromise who we really are, and become what our parents need us to be.our parents need us to be.

––Laurie Ashner and Mitch Meyerson,Laurie Ashner and Mitch Meyerson,

When Parents Love Too MuchWhen Parents Love Too Much,,

(New York, NY: Avon Books, 1990), p. 53.(New York, NY: Avon Books, 1990), p. 53.

QuoteQuoteYou may feel that your family or origin wasn’t You may feel that your family or origin wasn’t dysfunctional since your father wasn’t an dysfunctional since your father wasn’t an alcoholic . . . . The truth is, however, that, due to the alcoholic . . . . The truth is, however, that, due to the fallen nature of all parents (and children), all fallen nature of all parents (and children), all families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional to a families are flawed and therefore dysfunctional to a certain degree. Addictive and compulsive behaviors certain degree. Addictive and compulsive behaviors (addictions to food, sex, work, and so on) are (addictions to food, sex, work, and so on) are extremely common in even “the best of families,” extremely common in even “the best of families,” and such behavior is almost always linked to some and such behavior is almost always linked to some form of dysfunctional family background.form of dysfunctional family background.

––Dave Carder, et al.,Dave Carder, et al.,

Secrets of Your Family TreeSecrets of Your Family Tree, , Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1991) p. 15.Chicago, IL: Moody Press, 1991) p. 15.

The Family DefinedThe Family Defined

A family is more than a group of A family is more than a group of individuals who happen to share the individuals who happen to share the same address and same last names.same address and same last names.

Riddles of why you are the way you are Riddles of why you are the way you are can be unlocked by looking at the can be unlocked by looking at the family as a system of relationships and family as a system of relationships and interpersonal dynamics. interpersonal dynamics.

QuoteQuoteMany of us left home, defiantly vowing, “I’ll never do Many of us left home, defiantly vowing, “I’ll never do it like my parents.” Unfortunately, we are what we it like my parents.” Unfortunately, we are what we learn, and eventually, somehow, our parents manage learn, and eventually, somehow, our parents manage to take up residence inside us. Only later as adults to take up residence inside us. Only later as adults do we discover that we have never truly left home. do we discover that we have never truly left home. In fact, in many ways we are just like our parents, In fact, in many ways we are just like our parents, who played the same game, different name—yet all who played the same game, different name—yet all products of a codependent heritage, “Lost in the products of a codependent heritage, “Lost in the shuffle.”shuffle.”

––Robert Subby, Lost in the Shuffle,Robert Subby, Lost in the Shuffle,

(Deerfield Beach, FL:(Deerfield Beach, FL:

Health Communications, Inc., 1987) p. 92.Health Communications, Inc., 1987) p. 92.


Organism Organism A family is not merely a collection of A family is not merely a collection of

separate individuals but an organism separate individuals but an organism in which attitudes, values and actions in which attitudes, values and actions of each member interact with those of of each member interact with those of all the other members.all the other members.

QuoteQuote

The Family as a SystemThe Family as a System

The family firm is a sacred, social The family firm is a sacred, social society, in which each member is to act society, in which each member is to act a part, each helping the other. The a part, each helping the other. The work of the household is to move work of the household is to move smoothly, like the different parts of smoothly, like the different parts of well-regulated machinery. {AH 179.4}well-regulated machinery. {AH 179.4}

QuoteQuote

The Family as a SystemThe Family as a System

Every member of the family should realize Every member of the family should realize that a responsibility rests upon him that a responsibility rests upon him individually to do his part in adding to the individually to do his part in adding to the comfort, order, and regularity of the family. comfort, order, and regularity of the family. One should not work against another. All One should not work against another. All should unitedly engage in the good work of should unitedly engage in the good work of encouraging one another; they should exercise encouraging one another; they should exercise gentleness, forbearance, and patience; speak gentleness, forbearance, and patience; speak in low, calm tones, shunning confusion; and in low, calm tones, shunning confusion; and each doing his utmost to lighten the burdens each doing his utmost to lighten the burdens of the mother. . . . of the mother. . . .


Organism Organism

Many of our behavior patterns, both Many of our behavior patterns, both healthy and unhealthy, flow from the healthy and unhealthy, flow from the role we occupy in our particular family role we occupy in our particular family system. system.

When we understand our family When we understand our family system and the role we play in it, we system and the role we play in it, we unlock emotions and behaviors that unlock emotions and behaviors that would otherwise seem impossible to would otherwise seem impossible to explain. explain.

QuoteQuoteThe shame-bound family system is fixed in its form The shame-bound family system is fixed in its form and highly resistant to change, even though change and highly resistant to change, even though change is a natural fact of life. This system is analogous to is a natural fact of life. This system is analogous to peanut brittle, with each person fixed in peanut brittle, with each person fixed in stereotyped, inflexible roles and relationships to one stereotyped, inflexible roles and relationships to one another . . . . When change exerts enough force all another . . . . When change exerts enough force all at one moment upon a rigid system, it may break at one moment upon a rigid system, it may break and splinter. The shame-bound system does not have and splinter. The shame-bound system does not have good capacity to absorb very much stress and still good capacity to absorb very much stress and still retain its integrity. retain its integrity.

––Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason,Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason,

Facing Shame: Families in RecoveryFacing Shame: Families in Recovery,,

(New York, NY: W.W. Norton, 1986) p. 19.(New York, NY: W.W. Norton, 1986) p. 19.


SystemSystem Linear vs. Interactive ThinkingLinear vs. Interactive Thinking

for every action there is an equal and for every action there is an equal and opposite reactionopposite reaction

-if I do “A” then “B” will happen-if I do “A” then “B” will happen -kicking a can and kicking a dog-kicking a can and kicking a dog -predictability vs. unpredictability-predictability vs. unpredictability


““Everything occurring in a family,Everything occurring in a family,

regardless of how carefully it may be regardless of how carefully it may be hidden,hidden,

impacts the children. Everything.impacts the children. Everything.


SystemSystem Linear and Interactive ThinkingLinear and Interactive Thinking

Push resistant phenomenonPush resistant phenomenon Importance of punctuationImportance of punctuation Biblical example: Eph 4:28Biblical example: Eph 4:28

• Change the punctuationChange the punctuation• Change meaning of passageChange meaning of passage• Our understanding of an event depends Our understanding of an event depends

upon mental punctuationupon mental punctuation


• Donna understood what was happening Donna understood what was happening like this:like this:- He withdraws, I nag.- He withdraws, I nag.

• From Fred’s perspective:From Fred’s perspective:- She nags, I withdraw.- She nags, I withdraw.

• Both Fred and Donna are punctuating Both Fred and Donna are punctuating things according to linear thinking in things according to linear thinking in which there is a single cause and a which there is a single cause and a single result.single result.


Donna nagsDonna nags ➞➞➞➞ Fred withdrawsFred withdraws(Cause)(Cause) (Effect)(Effect)

Fred withdrawsFred withdraws ➞➞➞➞ Donna nagsDonna nags(Cause)(Cause) (Effect)(Effect)

This is the normal simplistic way to look at This is the normal simplistic way to look at relationships but relationships are interactive in relationships but relationships are interactive in nature and require that we think in terms of nature and require that we think in terms of feedback loops.feedback loops.


Feedback LoopsFeedback Loops The value of seeing things as feedback The value of seeing things as feedback

loops is that it makes clearer that either loops is that it makes clearer that either party can change the situation by changing party can change the situation by changing his or her behavior.his or her behavior.


Donna nagsDonna nags

Fred withdrawsFred withdraws Fred Fred withdrawswithdraws

Donna nagsDonna nags

The Family and The Family and ChangeChange

What makes families change?What makes families change? There are many factors, some There are many factors, some

normal and some natural.normal and some natural.


Life Cycles in FamiliesLife Cycles in Families Birth of first childBirth of first child birth of other childrenbirth of other children first day of school for oldest childfirst day of school for oldest child day the youngest child finishes schoolday the youngest child finishes school


children leave homechildren leave home parents reaching retirement ageparents reaching retirement age caring for elder parentcaring for elder parent death of a parentdeath of a parent


The life cycle gives families ample The life cycle gives families ample opportunities to change opportunities to change butbut family family systems like most systems are systems like most systems are resistant to change.resistant to change.


Inertia – principle of homeostasisInertia – principle of homeostasisThis is our bodies ability to adjust to hot and This is our bodies ability to adjust to hot and cold conditions. Family systems work the cold conditions. Family systems work the same way. Once a pattern of relationship gets same way. Once a pattern of relationship gets established in which everyone is assigned a established in which everyone is assigned a role powerful powers within the system will role powerful powers within the system will work to keep things the same even if work to keep things the same even if circumstances change.circumstances change.

Case study: the daughter who just couldn’t Case study: the daughter who just couldn’t leave home.leave home.


Family SecretsFamily Secrets What are the forces that keep families What are the forces that keep families

locked in dysfunctional patterns?locked in dysfunctional patterns? InertiaInertia Family SecretsFamily Secrets


Family SecretsFamily SecretsFamily secrets are things that have Family secrets are things that have happened and may still be happening happened and may still be happening that family members know about but no that family members know about but no one ever talks about.one ever talks about.

QuoteQuoteFirst and foremost, children are taught to disown First and foremost, children are taught to disown what their eyes see and what their ears hear. what their eyes see and what their ears hear. Because of denial in the family, children’s Because of denial in the family, children’s perceptions of what is happening become perceptions of what is happening become progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or progressively and systematically negated. Overtly or covertly, explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to covertly, explicitly or implicitly, they are told not to believe what their own senses tell them. As a result, believe what their own senses tell them. As a result, the children learn to distrust their own experience. the children learn to distrust their own experience. At the same time, they are taught not to trust other At the same time, they are taught not to trust other people.people.

––Herbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. BowdenHerbert L. Gravitz and Julie D. Bowden

Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics,Recovery: A Guide for Adult Children of Alcoholics,

(New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1985) p. 19.(New York, NY: Simon & Schuster, 1985) p. 19.


-some shameful events in the past-some shameful events in the past- some illegitimacy in the family- some illegitimacy in the family-incest among family members-incest among family members-sexual abuse, emotional and physical -sexual abuse, emotional and physical

abuseabuse-family member stricken with some -family member stricken with some

terrible terrible disease such as AIDS, insanity, disease such as AIDS, insanity, physical physical disability, disability, mental retardationmental retardation


Conspiracy of silenceConspiracy of silenceFamily secrets buried so deeply if Family secrets buried so deeply if brought to the surface they could tear brought to the surface they could tear the family apartthe family apartfamily secrets are like having an family secrets are like having an elephant in the parlorelephant in the parloryou learn at a very early age that the you learn at a very early age that the one question you never ask is “Why do one question you never ask is “Why do we have an elephant in the parlor?”we have an elephant in the parlor?”


Family MythsFamily MythsFamily myths are the opposite of Family myths are the opposite of family secrets. family secrets.

QuoteQuoteWhat is common to all such families is the commitment What is common to all such families is the commitment of all family members to maintain the secrets through of all family members to maintain the secrets through rigid rules about what may and may not be talked rigid rules about what may and may not be talked about. These rules prohibit spontaneity in the family about. These rules prohibit spontaneity in the family relationships; with spontaneity the real feelings and relationships; with spontaneity the real feelings and facts might be revealed. facts might be revealed.

Family members create powerful myths about their Family members create powerful myths about their histories, often leaving out the painful historical histories, often leaving out the painful historical shapers of the shame. The children in these families shapers of the shame. The children in these families are loyal through their lack of questioning about the are loyal through their lack of questioning about the past, thereby colluding in the family’s rules. past, thereby colluding in the family’s rules.

––Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason,Merle A. Fossum and Marilyn J. Mason,

Facing Shame: Families in RecoveryFacing Shame: Families in Recovery,,

(New York, NY: Norton, 1986) pp. 45-46.(New York, NY: Norton, 1986) pp. 45-46.


Family MythsFamily MythsMyths are things we talk about but Myths are things we talk about but never do. Bernard Shaw, never do. Bernard Shaw, Family Family History: A Life Agreed Upon.History: A Life Agreed Upon.

-our family was very close-our family was very close

-claiming important people in your -claiming important people in your family treefamily tree

-claim wealth in family background-claim wealth in family background

QuoteQuoteAs adult children of dysfunctional families we operate As adult children of dysfunctional families we operate in a world of extremes—always seeking that healthy in a world of extremes—always seeking that healthy balance, the Golden Mean, but always seeming to fall balance, the Golden Mean, but always seeming to fall short of the mark. The pendulum swings to one short of the mark. The pendulum swings to one extreme and we feel lonely, isolated, and afraid. We extreme and we feel lonely, isolated, and afraid. We tire of this, and it swings to the other extreme, where tire of this, and it swings to the other extreme, where we feel enmeshed, smothered, and angry. we feel enmeshed, smothered, and angry.

––John and Linda Friel,John and Linda Friel,

Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional Adult Children: The Secrets of Dysfunctional FamiliesFamilies

(Deerfield Beach, FL: Health (Deerfield Beach, FL: Health

Communications, Inc. 1988) pp. 17-18.Communications, Inc. 1988) pp. 17-18.

The Well-Adjusted The Well-Adjusted FamilyFamily

All families are imperfect, but some All families are imperfect, but some families are healthier than others. How families are healthier than others. How can you measure the ways in which your can you measure the ways in which your family fell short of the ideal so as to family fell short of the ideal so as to better understand your own need for better understand your own need for healing?healing?


Fusion vs. DistanceFusion vs. Distanceemotional glue between families vs. emotional glue between families vs.

withdrawal and emotional withdrawal and emotional distance, distance, maintaining the balancemaintaining the balance

Family Problems vs. Personal ProblemsFamily Problems vs. Personal Problems

Mutual Respect and Tolerance for DefenseMutual Respect and Tolerance for Defense


Generational RespectGenerational Respect

Traits of a Healthy FamilyTraits of a Healthy Family What are the traits of a healthy family?What are the traits of a healthy family?

(See handouts “Characteristics of a (See handouts “Characteristics of a Healthy Family.”Healthy Family.”


Types of Dysfunctional FamiliesTypes of Dysfunctional Families Isolated IslandsIsolated Islands

Shared same last name and address but Shared same last name and address but totally detached from one anothertotally detached from one another

Most severely disturbed pattern of family Most severely disturbed pattern of family dysfunctiondysfunction

Most negative impact on membersMost negative impact on membersRelationship devoid of emotional content; Relationship devoid of emotional content; existing only for utilitarian purposesexisting only for utilitarian purposes


Generational SplitsGenerational SplitsLack of significant interaction between Lack of significant interaction between parents and childrenparents and children


Gender SplitsGender SplitsMen and boys stick together as do the Men and boys stick together as do the woman and girls. woman and girls.

Little emotional interaction across Little emotional interaction across gender linesgender lines

Strong notion of sex based roles. Strong notion of sex based roles. ““men’s work” and “women’s work”men’s work” and “women’s work”


The Family ScapegoatThe Family ScapegoatSomeone becomes the blame for the Someone becomes the blame for the family problems, lightening rod of family family problems, lightening rod of family

Scapegoat illustration from OTScapegoat illustration from OT““He just doesn’t fit in.”He just doesn’t fit in.”

What About My Family?What About My Family?

Family Inventory.Family Inventory.

See handout “Family Inventory.”See handout “Family Inventory.”


Adaptability ScaleAdaptability Scale

ChaoticChaotic Adaptable Adaptable Rigid Rigid

6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 16 1816 18


Attachment ScaleAttachment Scale

Disengaged Attached Disengaged Attached EnmeshedEnmeshed

6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 16 1816 18

GenogramGenogram

Family Patterns and Family SinsFamily Patterns and Family Sins

Principle of BalancePrinciple of Balance

Balanced TriangleBalanced Triangle

Everyone involved in it is Everyone involved in it is comfortable with all comfortable with all

the others; the others; there is no there is no reasonreason for it to change. for it to change.


Unbalanced TriangleUnbalanced Triangle

A relationship of three A relationship of three people people who do not get who do not get along is hardly a along is hardly a relationship at all.relationship at all.


Balanced TriangleBalanced Triangle

Two aligned parties draw Two aligned parties draw their their

strength from their mutual strength from their mutual dislike dislike for the third for the third party.party.

Ex. Moses, Ex. Moses, Aaron and Aaron and MiriamMiriam


Unbalanced TriangleUnbalanced Triangle

One person has a good One person has a good relationship with two relationship with two

other people other people who dislike each who dislike each other, is by other, is by naturenature unbalanced. unbalanced.

QuotesQuotes

Everything occurring in a family, regardless Everything occurring in a family, regardless of how carefully it may be hidden, impacts of how carefully it may be hidden, impacts

the children. Everything.the children. Everything.

––Robert Hemfelt and Paul Warren,Robert Hemfelt and Paul Warren,

Kids Carry Our PainKids Carry Our Pain, (Nashville, TN:, (Nashville, TN:

Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990), p. 70.Thomas Nelson Publishers, 1990), p. 70.

QuotesQuotes

Characteristics of a Healthy FamilyCharacteristics of a Healthy Family

1.1. It is balanced; it can adapt to change.It is balanced; it can adapt to change.

2.2. Problems are handled on a family basis, not just an Problems are handled on a family basis, not just an individual basis.individual basis.

3.3. There are solid cross-generational connections.There are solid cross-generational connections.

4.4. Clear boundaries are maintained between Clear boundaries are maintained between individuals.individuals.

5.5. People deal with each other directly.People deal with each other directly.

6.6. Differences are accepted and encouraged.Differences are accepted and encouraged.

QuotesQuotes

Characteristics of a Healthy FamilyCharacteristics of a Healthy Family

7.7. The thoughts and feelings of others are accepted.The thoughts and feelings of others are accepted.

8.8. Individuals know what they can give to, and receive Individuals know what they can give to, and receive from, from, others.others.

9.9. Maintaining a positive emotional climate is a high Maintaining a positive emotional climate is a high priority.priority.

10.10.Each family member values the family as “a good Each family member values the family as “a good place to place to live.”live.”

11.11.Each learns from the others and encourages Each learns from the others and encourages feedback.feedback.

12.12. Individuals are allowed to experience their own Individuals are allowed to experience their own emptiness.emptiness.

Forgiveness QuotesForgiveness Quotes

One of the roots of compulsive behavior is One of the roots of compulsive behavior is pain that is buried. Pretending that it isn’t pain that is buried. Pretending that it isn’t there or that it doesn’t bother you anymore there or that it doesn’t bother you anymore won’t solve your problems. Stoicism isn’t the won’t solve your problems. Stoicism isn’t the answer. Facing your past and forgiving those answer. Facing your past and forgiving those who wounded you is the only lasting who wounded you is the only lasting solution . . . . solution . . . .

When buried memories surface, they need When buried memories surface, they need to be dealt with. It is important to forgive the to be dealt with. It is important to forgive the parent who hurt you and the one who didn’t parent who hurt you and the one who didn’t protect you from the hurt.protect you from the hurt.

––Nancy Curtis, Nancy Curtis, Beyond SurvivalBeyond Survival(Lake Mary, FL: Strang Communications, 1990) p. 59-(Lake Mary, FL: Strang Communications, 1990) p. 59-

60. 60.


Forgiveness breaks the cycle. It does not Forgiveness breaks the cycle. It does not settle all questions of blame and justice and settle all questions of blame and justice and fairness; to the contrary, often it evades those fairness; to the contrary, often it evades those questions. But it does all relationships to start questions. But it does all relationships to start over. In that way, said Solzhenitsyn, we differ over. In that way, said Solzhenitsyn, we differ from all animals. It is not our capacity to think from all animals. It is not our capacity to think that makes us different, but our capacity to that makes us different, but our capacity to repent, and to forgive. Only humans can repent, and to forgive. Only humans can perform that most unnatural act, and by doing perform that most unnatural act, and by doing so only they can develop relationships that so only they can develop relationships that transcend the relentless law of nature. transcend the relentless law of nature. ––Philip Yancey, “An Unnatural Act,” Philip Yancey, “An Unnatural Act,” Christianity TodayChristianity Today,,

(April 8, 1991) p. 37.(April 8, 1991) p. 37.


But think about who your anger is hurting But think about who your anger is hurting most: It’s you, as you wallow in your inner most: It’s you, as you wallow in your inner turmoil and bitterness. Forgiveness enables turmoil and bitterness. Forgiveness enables you to become fully freed from your anger so you to become fully freed from your anger so that you can develop as good a relationship as that you can develop as good a relationship as possible with your parents. Then, you will also possible with your parents. Then, you will also be free to move forward positively in other be free to move forward positively in other relationships. relationships.

––Anne Grizzle, Anne Grizzle, Mothers Who Love Too MuchMothers Who Love Too Much,,(New York, NY: Ivy Books, 1988 pp. 207-208.(New York, NY: Ivy Books, 1988 pp. 207-208.


Forgiveness involves letting go. Remember Forgiveness involves letting go. Remember playing tug-of-war as a child? As long as the playing tug-of-war as a child? As long as the parties on each end of the rope are tugging, parties on each end of the rope are tugging, you have a “war.” But when someone lets go, you have a “war.” But when someone lets go, the war is over. When you forgive your father, the war is over. When you forgive your father, you are letting go of your end of the rope. No you are letting go of your end of the rope. No matter how hard he may tug on the other end, matter how hard he may tug on the other end, if you have released your end, the war is over if you have released your end, the war is over for you.for you.

––H. Norman Wright, H. Norman Wright, Always Daddy’s GirlAlways Daddy’s Girl, , (Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1989) pp. 235-236.(Ventura, CA: Regal Books, 1989) pp. 235-236.


Remember that no matter how you verbalize Remember that no matter how you verbalize your anger you must forgive! Forgiving starts your anger you must forgive! Forgiving starts with an act of the will. Forgiving is a choice. It with an act of the will. Forgiving is a choice. It may take some time to work through the may take some time to work through the emotional feelings that are involved. We emotional feelings that are involved. We cannot immediately dismiss the feelings. cannot immediately dismiss the feelings. Again, it takes time to reprogram our Again, it takes time to reprogram our computer. It takes time to reprogram the computer. It takes time to reprogram the feelings. However, we can forgive others feelings. However, we can forgive others immediately by an act of the will. immediately by an act of the will.

––Frank B. Minirth, M.D. and Paul D. Meier, M.D.,Frank B. Minirth, M.D. and Paul D. Meier, M.D.,Happiness is a ChoiceHappiness is a Choice,(Grand Rapids, MI:,(Grand Rapids, MI:

Baker Book House, 1978) p. 156Baker Book House, 1978) p. 156

understanding how your family functions

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