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TIDBITS® REPORTS

THE U.S. ON TRIAL!by Blue Sullivan

Our great country has seen its fair share of odd criminal cases. Here are some of the more peculiar or funny ones.••Violatorsofanoiseordinancein

Fort Lupton, Colorado, were sen-tenced to face the music by being made to listen to loud music by art-ists such as Barry Manilow and Dolly Parton.

••InNiagaraFalls,NewYork,ajudgewas so enraged by a cell phone go-ing off during court that, when no one owned up to the phone, he threw the entirecourtroominjail.

••InDelrayBeach,Florida,amanwas arrested after a dispute with his wife, who refused to give him his “lucky”boxershorts.

••InCochocton,Ohio,ajudgegavetwo young offenders an option in punishment for throwing beer bottles atladies:60daysinjailoronehour

Issue #504Of South Denver Metro

...continued on page 2

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Tidbits® of South Denver Metro Issue#504

“Doctor, Doctor, you’ve got to help me - I just can’t stop my hands from shaking!” “Do you drink a lot?” “Not really - I spill most of it.”

“Doctor, Doctor, what’s the prog-nosis?” “I’ll give you just two months.” “Could I have April and May?”

“Doctor, Doctor, my wife’s contrac-tions are only two minutes apart.” “Is this her first child?” “No, you idiot - this is her husband!”

“Doctor, Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a vampire.” “Necks, please.”

“Doctor, Doctor, will this ointment clear up my spots?” “I never make rash promises!”

“Doctor, Doctor, if I give up booze and women, will I live longer?” “Not really. It will just seem lon-ger.”

name. His legal name is Beezow Doo-Doo Zopittybop-Bop-Bop.

••A65-year-oldUtahwomanwascharged with misdemeanor assault for anattackonthedriverofanice-creamtruck.Sheclaimedtheattackwasjus-tifiedbecausethepricesofthefrozentreats were too high.

••WhenapolicemanpulledoveraWashingtonmanforspeeding,hediscovered that the passenger was a greenskeletoninahoodedsweatshirt.Thedriveremployedhisscaryco-pilotto use the faster commuter lane.

••AFloridamanwaschargedwithbriberyofapublicofficialwhenhetriedtobribetwoarrestingofficerswithticketsfortheMiamiDolphins,whostartedthe2011seasonbylosingitsfirstsevengames.Saidthechastisingjudge:“HaveyoubeenwatchingtheDolphins?Noone’sgoingtogotothatgame.”

••FourPittsburghteenswerecaughtand charged with theft after showing offtheirstolenlootonFacebookjustan hour after they robbed a conve-nience store.

••TwoFloridawomenwereaccusedofstealing decorations this past Christ-mas.Theywerecaughtbecausetheyputthemintheiryardlessthanablockfrom where the items had been stolen.

••InBrookville,Pennsylvania,a45-year-oldmanwaschargedwithdisorderlyconductafterfakinghisowndeathtogetoutofwork.Hewroteuphis own memorial notice, which was actually published in the local newspa-per.

••AWashingtonjuryacquittedamaninvolvedinabreak-inwherehethrewaweaselatthehomeowner.Thewea-selwasdeceased,andtheprojectilecaused no harm.

THE U.S. ON TRIAL... (continued)

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The Neatest Little Paper Ever Read

Laugh Lines!

walkingthroughdowntowndressedaswomen.Theychosethelatter.

••WhentwomeninPainesville,Ohio,were charged for shooting up a neigh-bor’shousewithpaintballguns,thejudgeorderedthemtocontinuetheirtarget practice — on their own cars.

••TwoteenagegirlsinBocaRaton,Florida,werearrestedforacatfightover what one of them had posted on Myspace.

••AmaninBristol,Pennsylvania,wasarrested after robbing a house when he found himself unable to leave. Themanhadenteredthegarageandlockedthedoorbehindhim,onlytodiscoverhecouldn’tgettheautomaticdoor to open. He remained in the garage for eight days, living on Pepsi and dog food until the startled owners came home.

••AmaninSanDiego,California,wascharged with stealing lobsters from traps.Whenthepolicearrivedtoarresthim, he hid the plundered lobsters in his pants. Ouch!

••ShaneStantwentbeforeanOregonjudgetohavehisrecordexpungedafter a felony conviction for his part inthe1994OlympicskatingscandalthatsidelinedNancyKerriganandputTonyaHardinginjail.Hisreasonforwantinghisrecordexpunged?HisfelonywaskeepinghimoutoftheNavySeals.

••Inthe1991film“TheSuper,”JoePesci played a slumlord who was sentenced to live in his own run-down apartmentbuilding.In2008,aCleve-landjudgegaveamanthesamepunishment: house arrest in his own dilapidated building.

••ALosAngeleswomanwaschargedwith wasting police resources after shecalled911toreportthatheronionrings were cold after receiving them at alocalfastfoodjoint.

••AwomaninLakeParsippany,NewJersey,waschargedwithdisorderlyconductaftermakingseveral911calls.Sheinsistedthatitwasn’therfault,saying her German shepherd had madethemwithoutherknowledge.

••AGeorgiajudgegottoughongraffitiby ordering vandalized businesses to removetheoffendinggraffitiin30daysorfacea$1,000fine.

••Don’tstealWi-FiserviceinFlorida,oryoucanfaceafelonycharge.That’swhat one man discovered after ac-cessingahomeowner’sservicewhileinhiscar.Thehomeownerreportedthe crime after noticing an unfamiliar carparkedinfrontofhishouse.

••ApolicechiefinWashington,D.C.,learnedfirsthandaboutcrimewhenhissquadcarwasstolenablockfromhis home. He was disciplined for leav-inghisriotgearinthetrunk.

••AmaninBerkeley,California,re-ceived several ransom notes after a 6-foot tall Cyprus tree was stolen from infrontofhishouse.Thepriceofitsreturn was the replanting of the tree in aplacethatdidn’tobstructtheviewofdrivers in the neighborhood.

••AmaninMadison,Wisconsin,isn’tremarkableforwhyhewasarrested(forviolatingprobation),butforhis

...continued on next column

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Heart-Attack Victims Can Grow New ArteriesDEAR DR. DONOHUE: I don’t remember you addressing this subject, so I thought I would write. In 1997, I had a mild heart attack and went on medicines. Six months later I had another mild incident that led me to angioplasty. Ever since, I have been eating well, exercising and taking all my meds. My cardiologist says I have great collaterals. I have sprouted new vessels for my heart. I thought I should have some kind of intervention, but the doctor says no. Can you discuss autogenesis? Am I related to a starfish? -- R.S.

ANSWER: You’re the first writer ever to use the word “autogenesis.” If a starfish loses an arm, it grows another -- autogenesis. Humans have the same ability when it comes to blood vessels. They can grow new ones, and do so in many instances. Heart-attack victims often can sprout new arteries. It’s a long process. It doesn’t happen overnight. And it doesn’t happen to all people. Count yourself lucky.The booklet on CAD -- coronary artery disease -- discusses how vessels become plugged and how they are treated. To order a copy, write: Dr. Donohue -- No. 101W, Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475. Enclose a check or money order (no cash) for $4.75 U.S./$6 Canada with the recipient’s printed name and address. Please allow four weeks for delivery. ***DEAR DR. DONOHUE: I looked in the mirror this morning and couldn’t believe what I saw. My right eye was bright red. It looked like someone had punched me. When my husband saw it, he asked if he had hit me while he was asleep. He didn’t. It doesn’t hurt. My vision is perfect. My eye looks frightful. Do I need to see a doc-tor? -- Y.T.

ANSWER: Your question is asked repeatedly. My long-distance guess is a subconjunctival hemorrhage. The conjunctiva is a cellophane-like covering of the eye. Beneath it is a network of invisible blood vessels. When one of those delicate vessels breaks, blood covers that part of the eye. Coughing, sneezing or straining causes the breakage. Sometimes it happens for no apparent reason. The eye looks awful, but no real harm is done. The blood is absorbed in about a week. You can hurry it up by putting warm compresses over the closed eye. You need to see a doctor if the eye begins to pain you, if the blood stays for longer than a week or if it happens time and again.***DEAR DR. DONOHUE: Does heartburn cause asthma attacks? It sounds weird to me, but my doctor thinks that’s what causing my breathing problems. He has me on medicines for heartburn. I can’t believe they’ll help. -- J.R.

ANSWER: Your doctor isn’t coming from out of left field. Heartburn can be an asthma trigger. Heartburn is officially called gastroesophageal reflux -- an upward shooting of stomach acid and digestive juices into the esophagus, the swallowing tube. The juices can rise so far up that they leak out of the esophagus and trickle into the bronchi, the airways. That’s what sets off an asthma attack. ***Dr. Donohue regrets that he is unable to answer individual letters, but he will incorporate them in his column whenever possible. Readers may write him or request an order form of available health newsletters at P.O. Box 536475, Orlando, FL 32853-6475. (c) 2012 North America Synd., Inc. All Rights Reserved

A man goes into a drug store and asksthepharma-cist if he can give him something for the hiccups. Thepharmacistpromptly reaches out and slaps the man’sface.“Whattheheckdidyoudothatfor!?!”theman screams. “Well,youdon’thave the hiccups anymoredoyou?”Themansays,“NoIdon’t,youIDIOT...Butmywife out in the car stilldoes!”

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¥OnApril20,1841,EdgarAllenPoe’sshortstory,“TheMurdersintheRueMorgue,”firstappearsinGraham’sLady’sandGentleman’sMagazine.Itisgenerallyconsideredtobethefirstdetectivestory.LikethelaterSherlockHolmes stories, the tale is narrated by thedetective’sroommate.¥OnApril22,1889,atpreciselyhighnoon, thousands of would-be set-tlersmakeamaddashintothenewlyopenedOklahomaTerritorytoclaimcheapland.Alltold,from50,000to60,000 settlers entered the territory thatday.TownslikeNorman,Oklaho-maCity,KingfisherandGuthriespranginto being almost overnight.¥OnApril21,1918,intheskiesoverFrance,ManfredvonRichthofen,thenotoriousGermanflyingaceknownas“TheRedBaron”with80victoriesunderhisbelt,iskilledbyAlliedfire.Hewas25yearsold.¥OnApril17,1937,DaffyDuckmakeshisdebutintheWarnerBros.short“Porky’sDuckHunt.”Inthe1920s,movie houses had started showing a short cartoon before feature presenta-tions, but the form became more popu-laraftersoundwasintroducedin1928.¥OnApril16,1947,inTexasCity’sportonGalvestonBay,afireaboardthe French freighter Grandcamp ig-nites ammonium nitrate, causing a massive blast that destroys much of thecityandtakesnearly600lives.Thefiredepartmenttriedtodousetheflames,buttheshipwassohotthatthewaterfromtheirfirehoseswasinstantly vaporized.¥OnApril19,1957,theBrattleThe-ater in Cambridge, Mass., presents its firstshowingof“Casablanca,”intro-ducing a new generation to Humphrey Bogart, who had died months earlier. Bogart had been wounded aboard a NavyshipduringWorldWar1.Hisup-per lip was scarred and partially para-lyzed,givinghimthetough-guypokerface and slight lisp that characterized his acting.¥OnApril18,1983,JoanBenoitwins her second Boston Marathon in thewomen’sdivisionwithatimeof2:22:43.TheinauguralBostonMara-thonwasrunonApr.19,1897,andwasamen-onlyeventuntil1972,whenwomenwereofficiallyallowedtocom-pete.

(c)2012KingFeaturesSynd.,Inc.

Week of April 16th


Earth Day Lessons Can Apply to Investors, Too

April 22 is Earth Day. Started in 1970 by Senator Gaylord Nelson, Earth Day is de-signed to create awareness of the Earth’s environment and to encourage conserva-tion efforts. If you and your family participate in Earth Day events, such as helping clean up a local park or tak-

ing materials to a recycling center, you know the benefits of doing your part to improve your surroundings. But are you doing everything you can to upgrade your environment for investing?

Actually, as an investor, you can learn a lot from the lessons of Earth Day. Here are just a few ideas:

Diversify. If you’re familiar with Earth Day, you know that it involves multiple activities, including educational programs and do-it-now action steps. This variety is necessary because protecting our environment is a complex chal-lenge. Meeting your short- and long-term investment goals can be challenging, too, but you’ll have a better chance of success by diver-sifying your investment dollars across a range of vehicles, such as stocks, bonds, government securities and certificates of deposit (CDs). Diversification can help reduce the impact of volatility on your portfolio — and high volatil-ity can be an obstacle for some people trying to follow an investment strategy. (Keep in mind, though, that diversification, by itself, cannot guarantee a profit or protect against loss.)Seek growth opportunities. Some people plant trees on Earth Day, hoping to watch them grow over the years. As an investor, you, too, need to plant “seeds” today in the hopes of growth in the future. That means, among other things, that when you purchase growth-oriented invest-ments for the long term, you need to try to stick with them and not “uproot” them after short-term declines in price.Develop good habits. If you attend an Earth Day program, you will learn about many eco-friendly habits you can develop, from using en-ergy-efficient light bulbs to recycling old com-puters and other electronic devices. To invest successfully, it’s important to develop good habits, such as staying invested in all types of markets, seeking tax-advantaged investments and reviewing your portfolio regularly to make sure it’s still appropriate for your risk tolerance, time horizon and long-term objectives.Avoid “toxins.” At some Earth Day events, you can learn about “green” substitutes for toxic chemicals in common household cleaners. When you invest, you may also want to avoid “toxins” — or at least “toxic” behaviors, such as chasing after “hot” stocks that are inappro-priate for your needs or trading so frequently that you run up big fees, commissions and taxes.Think long term. Above all else, Earth Day is a reminder to us that we all want to leave a healthy planet to future generations — which

www.edwardjones.com

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means we need to make moves that are ben-eficial for the environment over the long term. When you invest, you also need to focus on the future. That means following a long-term in-vestment strategy and not getting sidetracked by short-term events, such as political crises and economic downturns.Earth Day comes once a year, but its lessons can have a lasting impact on our environment. When you apply these same lessons to your own investment environment, you may be able to achieve some healthy results.

This article was written by Edward Jones for use by your local Edward Jones Financial Advi-sor.

...continued on next column

Earth Day Lessons Can Apply to Investors, Too continued...

Week of April 16th

ARIES (March 21 to April 19) The Lamb loves to be surrounded by flocks of admirers. But be careful that someone doesn’t take his or her admiration too far. Use your persuasive skills to let him or her down easily.TAURUS (April 20 to May 20) This is a good time to begin setting far-reaching goals and connecting with new contacts. Aspects also fa-vor strengthening old relationships -- personal and/or professional.GEMINI (May 21 to June 20) A personal disappointment should be viewed as a valuable learning experience. Go over what went wrong and see where a change in tactics might have led to a more positive outcome.CANCER (June 21 to July 22) Don’t leave projects unfinished or personal obligations unresolved, or you might find yourself tripping over all those loose ends later on. A relative has important news.LEO (July 23 to August 22) Expect a challenge to the usual way you do things. Although you might prefer the tried-and-true, once you take a good look at this new idea, you might feel more receptive to it.VIRGO (August 23 to September 22) Much work has yet to be done to polish a still-rough idea into something with significant potential. Expect to encounter some initial rejection, but stay with it nonetheless.LIBRA (September 23 to October 22) There still might be some communication problems in the workplace, but they should be resolved soon. Meanwhile, that “tip” from a friend should be checked out.SCORPIO (October 23 to November 21) A new relationship appears to need more from you than you might be willing to give right now. Best advice: Resist making promises you might not be able to keep.SAGITTARIUS (November 22 to December 21) That restless feeling encourages you to gallop off into a new venture. But remember to keep hold of the reins so you can switch paths when necessary.CAPRICORN (December 22 to January 19) A demanding work schedule keeps the high-spirited Goat from kicking up his or her heels. But playtime beckons by the week’s end. Have fun. You earned it.AQUARIUS (January 20 to February 18) You’re beginning to come out from under those heavy responsibilities you took on. Use this freed-up time to enjoy some much-deserved fun with people close to you.PISCES (February 19 to March 20) Before you get swept away by a tidal wave of conflicting priorities, take time to come up for air, and reassess the situation. You might be surprised by what you’ll find.BORN THIS WEEK: Your leadership qualities are enhanced by a practical sense of purpose that keeps you focused on your goals.

(c) 2012 King Features Synd., Inc.

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¥ItwasScottishauthorandhistorianThomasCarlylewhomadethefollowingsageobservation:“Thegreatestoffaultsistobeconsciousofnone.”

¥Ifyou’replanningtotraveltoWashing-tonstatewithnefariousplans,here’saninterestinglawtokeepinmind:Anymotor-istwithcriminalintentisrequiredtostopbefore entering a town and inform the chief of police of his or her presence.

¥ Are you more afraid of lightning or sharks?Ifyoulookatthenumbers,itmakesmoresensetofearlightning;morethan three times as many people die from lightningstrikesthandosoinsharkattacks.

¥Theacidsinyourdigestivesystemaresocorrosive that your stomach must produce an entirely new lining every three days.

¥AstheBlackPlaguewassweepingEu-rope during the Middle Ages, some people, for reasons surpassing understanding, be-lieved that plague victims could cure them-selves by smelling human waste.

¥Itwasin1893thatthezipperwasin-vented, and it was originally intended to be used in shoes.

¥Ifyou’refamiliarwiththeDisneyfilm“Cin-derella,”youmightbesurprisedtolearnsomedetailsabouttheGrimmbrothers’versionofthefolktale.Intheirstory,Cin-derella’swickedstepsistersaresodesper-ate to marry the prince that they mutilate theirfeetinordertotrytomakethemfitinthe slipper (which, in the Grimm version, is madeofgold,notglass).Also,atthewed-ding of Cinderella and her prince, the step-sisters’eyesarepluckedoutbypigeons.***ThoughtfortheDay:“Thetaxwhichwillbe paid for education is not more than the thousandth part of what will be paid to kings,priests,andnobleswhowillriseupamong us if we leave the people to igno-rance.”--ThomasJefferson


By Samantha Weaver

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Flying With Your PetDEARPAW’SCORNER:Ihavetotakeatripacrossthecountryinaboutamonth,andIhatethethoughtofleavingmydog“Snoops”alone,evenwithahousesitterstoppingby.Idon’twanttoputhimintoacargocrateandshiphimtowhereI’mgoing.CanIsneakmydogonboardtheairplaneinstead?--Signme“Shhhh”inLittleRock,Ark.

DEARSHHHH:Whysneakyourdogaboard?Someairlinesallowverysmalldogs--thosethatcanfitintoahandheldcarrierthatfitsbeneaththeairlineseatinfrontofyou--toflywiththeirowner.Checkwithyourairlineaboutthisoption,anyadditionalfees,rulesandrestrictionswellbeforeyourflight.Undernocircumstancesshouldyoutrytosneakyourdogintothepassengercabin.Youwillbefoundout,andthecomplicationsofyourtripwillmultiplyexponentially.Flying your pet, or with your pet, is a common activity and a common worry for pet own-ers. Some pet websites list airlines with pet travel policies, such as dogfriendly.com, which recently updated its list. Most interesting is the newly launched airline, Pet Airways (http://www.petairways.com/),whichdoesn’tflypeopleatall--justpets(withahumanattendantonboardtomonitorandcareforthem).NomatterhowyoudecidetogetSnoopsacrossthecountry,followafewimportantstepswhentransportinghim.Makesurehiscarrierissturdyandcomfortableandin-cludeshisfavoritetoysandblanket.Don’tfeedhimlessthanfivehoursbeforehisflight.Givehimwatertwohoursbeforetheflight.Ifyouaren’tconfidentintheairline’sabilitytotransport him, consider leaving him with a sitter or at a pet hotel until you return.

[email protected],orwritetoPaw’sCorner,c/oKingFeaturesWeeklyService,P.O.Box536475,Orlando,FL32853-6475.Formorepetcare-related advice and information, visit www.pawscorner.com.


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Tammy’s Favorite RecipesBy Tammy Knight

Hot Chicken Salad

Here is a great chicken salad reci-pe that our family loves!

5 cups cooked, cubed chicken2 cups chopped celery1 cup sliced water chestnuts1 1/2 cups mayonnaise3 tsp. grated onion3 Tbsp. lemon juice1 small pkg. sliced almonds3/4 cup grated Cheddar cheese1/4 tsp. curry powderSeasoned salt/pepper to taste1 cup crushed potato chips

Mix together chicken, celery, chestnuts, mayonnaise, onion and lemon juice. Add almonds, cheese, and seasonings. Top with potato chips. Bake, uncovered, in a 9x13 inch pan at 350 degrees for 20 to 25 minutes. Serve hot (or cold) on lettuce leaf.

YUM!

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Call(303)797-7572or e-mail to:

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FINANCAIL

New Year ~ New Career? Partner with us and help us change the

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¥Atopcoatadaykeepsthemanicuristaway!Reviveyourpolishbygivingtheendsaquickcoatofcleartopcoatdailytoextendthelifeofyour manicure.

¥“Iliketocutoutandsavecomicstrips.Iusedto put them in photo albums with the plastic sleeves,butthepageswerealittlesmall.Now,Iusedscrapbookpages,whicharemuchwider.Ijustgluethemtoacoordinatingcolorpaper.Theylookmuchnicer,too.”--R.A.inVirginia

¥Tokeepspringbootslookingtallandsmellingprettygood,looselyrollathinstackofnewspa-per,stickitdownthelegportionofyourboot,thenfillitwithastackofballed-upnewspapers.Itwillsupporttheleg,whichwillnotflopoverandcausecracks.Andthenewspaperabsorbsany smells.

¥“Thehardwareonmyfavoritepursestartedtolookverybanged-upandwasflaking.Ifoundasilverleafingpenatthecraftstore,anditwasveryeasytosprucemybagupagain.”--AReader,viaemail

¥Ifyouhavetrappedhairs,trythistrick:Wetanold,cleantoothbrushanddipitinbakingsodaorbodyscrub.Gentlyexfoliatetheareaonceadayforseveraldays,anditshouldworkitselfright out.

¥ Bar soaps are much more concentrated and eco-friendlythanliquidbodywashes.Thesedays,theyarejustasmoisturizingasanyliquidsoap.Lookforingredientslike“sheabutter”orthewords“ultra-moisturizing”and“addedemol-lients.”

SendyourtipstoNowHere’saTip,c/oKingFeaturesWeeklyService,P.O.Box536475,Orlando,[email protected].


DISH NETWORK lowest nationwide price $19.99/month. FREE HBO/Cinemax/Starz

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TOYOTA LAND Cruiser. Vintage 1965. New amateur Red paint. White Hard top. Balck soft and bikini top. Rebuilt Chevy 350 and Chevy 4 speed ith 5K miles. New

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Weekly Answers

Awoman,callingMountSinaiHospital,said,“Hello,Iwanttoknowifapatientisget-tingbetter.”Thevoiceontheotherendofthelinesaid,“Doyouknowthepatient’snameandroomnumber?”Shesaid,“Yes,darling!She’sSarahFinkel,inRoom302.”Hesaid,“Oh,yes.Mrs.Finkelisdoingverywell.Infact,she’shadtwofullmeals,herbloodpressureisfine,she’sgoingtobetakenofftheheartmonitorinacoupleof hours and if she continues this improvement, Dr. Cohen is going to send her home Tuesday.”Thewomansaid,“That’swonderful!Oh!That’sfantastic!That’sgreatnews!”Themanonthephonesaid,“Fromyourenthusiasm,Itakeityoumustbeaclosefamilymemberoraveryclosefriend!”Shesaid,“I’mSarahFinkelin302!Co-hen,mydoctor,doesn’ttellmeaword!”

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www.MisterSparky.com303.993.1486

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*Cannot be combined with any other o�er. Must present coupon at time of purchase. Expires 5/31/12. ©2012 Clockwork IP, LLC



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