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THE ENVELOPE, PLEASEby Dallas Wasmund

It’s that time of year when Hollywood hopefuls don their Sunday best and per-vade the Kodak Theatre… whether to win a statuette or just to “be seen.” Read on for some behind-the-scenes Tidbits all about the Academy Awards.

When winners •wish to “thank the Academy,” they’re referring to the American Acad-emy of Motion Picture Arts & Sci-ences, or AMPAS. It was founded as a non-profit orga-nization in 1927, with the goals of promoting the quality of thefilmmediumandprovidingaforumfor the many branches of the industry. (That is, a platform on which to honor not only actors and directors, but all contributorstofilmproduction).How does one join AMPAS? The mem-•bership expands solely by invitation. Each year, about 100 invites are sent outtoactors,writers,andotherfilmin-dustry personnel. Those who accept the invitation must pay an annual member-ship fee of $100 and sign documents promising to follow the organization’s rules. Those invited to join in 2008 in-cluded Josh Brolin, Jet Li, and Sacha Baron Cohen.Much like the American population in •general, only about 50 percent of Acade-my members bother to vote each year.Thelistofrulesandrequirementsafilm•must meet in order to be considered for an Oscar are just slightly little less com-plicated than those printed in the United Nations Charter. For example, submit-ted filmsmust be of a certain runningtime, must be recorded on an approved film stock, and must have been pub-licly exhibited to paying audiences for a specifiedlengthoftimeincertaincities.

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ilymembers,etc.),soanotherdozenseatsor more may be spoken for. The families of executives from companies that spon-sor the ceremony get the next batch of free seats. Any remaining tickets are of-fered for $200 each to AMPAS members onafirst-come,first-servedbasis.Those bleacher seats outside the theater •beside the red carpet are available only to those who win a lottery. Interested attend-ees must submit an application – along with a photo – and then wait to hear wheth-er or not their name has been “pulled out of the hat.” The 400 or so spectators who “win”aregivenanofficialacceptancelet-ter from AMPAS. No one else is allowed in the bleachers, even if they spent the night before waiting on the pavement in hopes of grabbing a vacant spot.Even though the stars won’t begin arriv-•ing until 4 in the afternoon, spectators with bleacher tickets must arrive at the theater by 9:30 a.m. They’ll be rewarded for their patience with a view from a ringside seat when the stars arrive and walk the leg-endary red carpet. At 6 p.m., the bleacher crowd will cross the street to enjoy the TV broadcast of the event at the El Capitan Theatre.

THE ENVELOPE, PLEASE (continued)Oscar, as the Academy Award statuette •is known, measures 13½ inches tall and is heavier than you might expect, at 8½ pounds. It’s made of tin and copper and then plated with gold. Since the identities of the winners are kept secret until the actu-al awards ceremony, the plaques on the pedestals of the stat-uettes handed out onstage are blank. Winners return them to the Academy the next morning to have their name, award category, and the year engraved on the plaque. As a protective measure, a unique serial number is engraved on the back of each Oscar, since they remain the legal property of AMPAS.The Oscar statuettes are manufactured by •R.S. Owens and Company of Chicago; the same company that produces the trophies for Miss America, the NFL’s Most Valu-able Player, and the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame. AMPAS usually orders about 100 Oscars(at$200each)toensurethattheyhave extras to hand out in categories with multiple winners.AMPAS rules prohibit studios from using •certainmethodstopromotetheirfilms,in-cluding direct mail, telephone campaigns, and elaborate banquets. Instead, studios take out expensive “For Your Consider-ation”adsinfilmindustrymagazineslikeThe Hollywood Reporter or Variety. Does this tactic work? DreamWorks Pictures spent over $750,000 on Variety ads to promote 1999’s American Beauty, which wonfiveOscars.Once the preliminary voting commences, •all AMPAS members are allowed to nomi-nate candidates for Best Picture and the Best Actor categories. Only those who work in the same specialization are al-lowed to nominate choices for technical awards. Only directors, for instance, can suggestafilmforBestDirector.Oncethepreliminary votes are tabulated, the top choices in each category become the of-ficialnominees.After the nominees have been selected, •ballots are sent out to all AMPAS mem-bers. All members get to vote in every category, even those in which they have

no experience. This procedure has been the subject of much criticism. Few AMPAS membersbothertoscreentheforeignfilmsubmissions, for example. As a result, a votermayhavetoselectafilmheorshehas never even seen!Thefinalballotsaremailed to thepublic•accountingfirmofPriceWaterhouseCoo-pers. Three PWC representatives retire to a locked, guarded room to tabulate the votes and prepare the sealed envelopes that contain the names of the 22 main winners. Those envelopes are given to a senior PWC official, who brings themto the auditorium and hands them to the presenters just before each winner is an-nounced. A back-up representative travels to the ceremony in a separate car with a duplicate set of winners’ envelopes, just in casesomethinghappens to thefirstoffi-cial(ortheoriginalenvelopes)enroute.Ifthefirstcouriermakesittotheauditori-•um safe and sound, the back-up sits in the audience and opens the envelopes along with the presenter. This double-check measure allows a PWC representative to interject if the presenter happens to read the incorrect name or title onstage. Thus far in Oscar history, such a correction has never been necessary.There are always more AMPAS members •than there are seats in the venue where the Academy Awards ceremony is held. Nominees and presenters are given seats in what is called the “golden horseshoe.” It’s close to the stage so that their faces can be seen when the camera scans the audience, and also so they don’t have to walk far to present or collect their awards. When someone leaves the audience, a designated“seatfiller”quicklyrushesoverand sits in the abandoned chair so that no empty seats appear on camera.Of course, those in the golden horseshoe •also require seats for their escorts and their entourage (personal assistants, fam-

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On • Feb. 19, 1847,thefirstrescuersreach surviving members of the Donner Party, a group of California-bound emigrants stranded by snow in the Sierra Nevada Mountains. Three more rescue parties arrived to help, but of the 89 original members of the group, only 45 reached California.

On • Feb. 16, 1923, in Thebes, Egypt, English archaeologist Howard Carter enters the sealed burial chamber of the ancient Egyptian ruler King Tutankhamen. King Tut lived around 1400 B.C. and died when he was still a teenager.

On • Feb. 18, 1930, the planet Pluto is discovered by the Lowell Observatory in Flagstaff, Ariz. In August 2006, however, the International Astronomical Union announced that Pluto would no longer be considered a planet as Pluto’s oblong orbit overlaps that of Neptune.

On • Feb. 22, 1942, President Franklin D. Roosevelt orders Gen. Douglas MacArthur out of the Philippines, as the American defense of the islands collapses. MacArthuratfirstbalked--hewasfullypreparedtofightalongsidehismen to the death if necessary -- but finallyobeyedthepresident’sorderin March.

On • Feb. 21, 1952, Elizabeth Taylor, 20, marries Michael Wilding. It was Taylor’s second marriage: At age 18, she had married hotelier Nicky Hilton, less than two weeks before the debut of her 1950 movie “Father of the Bride.” She would be married six more times, twice to Richard Burton.

On • Feb. 17, 1979, Garrison Keillor’s popular radio variety show “Prairie HomeCompanion”isfirstbroadcastnationally as part of National Public Radio’s Folk Festival America. The show, which had been running locally on Minnesota Public Radio since 1974, is still on the air today.

On • Feb. 20, 1986, France and Britain announce that a tunnel under the English Channel between the two countries would soon become a reality. Trains, cars and buses would be able to speed through the tunnel in less than half an hour. Construction began in December 1987,andthe“Chunnel”wasfinallycompleted in 1994.

(c)2009KingFeaturesSynd.,Inc.

1. GEOGRAPHY: Where is the Bay of Fundy?2. SCIENCE: How much faster does sound travel in water than in air?3. MATH: What is the origin of the word “zero”?4. ENTERTAINERS: Which famous comedian once trained as a boxer?5. ANATOMY: What part of the human anatomy contains a region called the macula?6. LANGUAGE: What is a “beau geste”?7. MEASUREMENTS: What does a gill measure?8. INVENTIONS: What was the yo-yo’s use for hundreds of years before it became a toy?9. AD SLOGANS: Which company urged customers to “run for the border”?10. TELEVISION: Which television sitcom was set in the Stratford Inn?

Answers1. Between the Canadian provinces

of New Brunswick and Nova Scotia

2. Four times faster3. Arabic, from the word “sifr,”

which means empty4. Bob Hope5. The eye6. A magnanimous gesture7. Liquid, usually one-half cup or

one-quarter of a pint8. A weapon. Pedro Flores, a

Philippine immigrant, invented the yo-yo toy in the 1920s.

9. Taco Bell10. “Newhart”


Barrel of KnowledgeAdult polar bears grow to be 7 to 8 ½ •feet tall and up to 1,600 pounds. Along with the Arctic fox, the polar •bear is the most northerly located land mammal on earth. Polar bears are able to run up to •25 miles per hour and can outrun a reindeer. The life span of polar bears can be up to •34 years. Female polar bears tend to breed only •every other year and when they do, usually 1 to 4 cubs are born during March and April.


PICK OF THE WEEK“Changeling” -- Angelina Jolie gives an award-winning performance as Christine Collins, a single mother living in 1920s Los Angeles who challenges a corrupt police department and is brutalized as a result. Based on an actual case, the story revolves around the disappearance of Collins’ 9-year-oldson.ShefilesareportwiththeLAPDandforfivemonthsnothingisdone.Aftersomepublic pressure is put on the department, the LAPD picks up a kid found in Indiana and tries to pass the child off as Christine’s son -- despite the fact that the boy’s dental records don’t match, he’s shorter, uncircumcised and all of the kid’s teachers say “It’s not the boy.” Collins confronts the LAPD, who respond by saying that she has become mentally unstable due to the abduction of her child and should be placed in a mental institution. So, they throw her in the looney bin, where she undergoes some pretty horrible treatment. Although this isn’t Clint Eastwood’s best directorial effort (“Unforgiven” still holds that spot in my book), “Changeling” is acompelling and heart-wrenching motion picture.

ALSO “Religulous” -- Comedian Bill Maher stars in this documentary about his journey around the world, where he confronts and questions leaders and followers of the major religions about the tenets of their faith. Telling people their religion is a joke and that their god doesn’t exist is a touchy and awkward subject forafilm.Maher’ssmugnessdoesn’treallyhelp the situation,whichmade the film forme, at times, unwatchable. That said, I know alotofpeoplewhohaveseenthefilmandsay they enjoyed it quite a lot, so I’ll leave it up to you.

KIDS AND FAMILY “High School Musical 3: Senior Year” -- I have not seen this movie. I will never see this movie. That’s because I am neither a 10-year-old girl nor gay. But, I know it’s going to sell a bajillion copies, and all you parents out there will have to go out and buy it for your kids, so I’m letting you know that it’ll be out on Feb. 17. There. I’ve done my part. You have my sympathies.

TV SERIES“Murder, She Wrote” The Complete Ninth Season “Sabrina the Teenage Witch” The Fifth Season “Law & Order: Special Victims Unit” The Eighth Year “Dead Like Me” Complete Series “The Beverly Hillbillies” The Official Third Season “The F Word” Series One “The Real Adventures of Jonny Quest” Season 1, Vol. 1 “Ragnarok” Complete Box Set “Smurfs” Vol. 1


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Free EventsBus Tour of the Golden Triangle Art/Museum District - First Friday of every month free, 5 - 9 pm. Ballet Arts Theatre, 816 Acoma St, Denver 303-825-7570 www.pnfproductions.comChildren’s Museum - Free admission first Tuesday evening of the month, 4 - 8pm 2121 Children’s Museum Drive www.cmdenver.orgColorado Railroad Museum - Check the web site for free days. www.crrm.org 17155 W. 44th Avenue, Golden 303-279-4591CU In Broomfield World Music Series - Free concerts 2nd Wed of every month, 7pm Broomfield Auditorium, 3 Community Park Road, 303-469-3301 x7999 www.broomfield.orgDenver Art Museum - First Sat of every month free to Colo residents, 10am - 5pm 100 West 14th Avenue Parkway www.denverartmuseum.orgDenver Botanic Gardens - Free day: First Friday of each month, 9am - 5pm 1005 York Street, 720-865-3500 www.botanicgardens.orgDenver Museum of Nature & Science - 2009 Free days: Wed Mar 18, Sun Apr 19, Sun May 31, Wed Jun 10, Mon Jul 13, Wed Aug 12, Sun Sep 13, Sun Oct 4, Mon Nov 2, Sun Nov 22. 2001 Colorado Boulevard, 303-322-7009 www.dmns.orgFirehouse Tales For Tots- Denver Firefighters Museum 1356 Tremont Pl, (303) 892-1436. First Wednesday of each month 10:00 am - 10:30 am. Ages 2-6Museum of Contemporary Art - First Saturday of every month - Admission: 1 penny 1275 19th St, Denver 303-298-7554 www.mcartdenver.orgU.S. Mint - Free: Mon - Fri; 8am - 3pm; reservations encouraged 320 West Colfax Ave., 303-405-4761 www.usmint.gov

SportsColorado Avalanche - NHLAvalanche host Senators: Tue Feb 17, 7:30 pmCapitals host Avalanche: Fri Feb 20, 5:00 pmHurricans host Avalanche: Sun Feb 22, 1:00 pmThrashers host Avalanche: Tue Feb 24, 5:00 pmDevils host Avalanche: Thu Feb 26, 5:00 pmRangers host Avalanche: Sat Feb 28, 5:00 pmIslanders host Avalanche: Mon Mar 2, 5:00 pmAvalanche hosts Red Wings: Wed Mar 4, 7:00pmBlackhawks host Avalanche: Sun Mar 8, 1:00 pmAvalanche hosts Thrashers: Tue Mar 10, 7:00 pmAvalanche hosts Wild: Thu Mar 12, 7:00 pmOilers host Avalanche: Sat Mar 14, 8:00 pmCanucks host Avalanche: Sun Mar 15, 8:00 pmWild host Avalanche: Tue Mar 17, 6:00 pmAvalanche hosts Oilers: Thu Mar 19, 7:00 pmDenver Nuggets - NBAPhiladelphia hosts Nuggets: Wed Feb 18, 6 pmChicago hosts Nuggets: Fri Feb 20, 6:30 pmMilwaukee hosts Nuggets: Sun Feb 22, 3:00 pmNuggets host Boston: Mon Feb 23, 7:00 pmNuggets host Atlanta: Wed Feb 25, 7:00 pmNuggets host Lakers: Fri Feb 27, 7:00 pmIndiana hosts Nuggets: Sun Mar 1, 5:00 pmDetroit hosts Nuggets: Tue Mar 3, 5:30 pmNuggets host Portland: Thu Mar 5, 8:30 pmUtah hosts Nuggets: Fri Mar 6, 8:30 pmSacramento hosts Nuggets: Sun Mar 8, 7:00 pmNuggets host Houston: Mon Mar 9, 7:00 pmNuggets host Oklahoma City: Wed Mar 11, 7pmNuggets host LA Clippers: Sat MAr 14, 7:00 pmNuggets host New Jersey: Mon Mar 16, 7:00 pmMemphis hosts Nuggets: Wed Mar 18, 6:00 pmNuggets host Washington: Fri Mar 20, 7:00 pmColorado Mammoth - Natl Lacrosse LeagueSan Jose hosts Mammoth: Sat Feb 21, 7:30 pmEdmonton hosts Mammoth: Sun Feb 22, 6:00 pmSan Jose hosts Mammoth: Sat Mar 14, 1:30 pmColorado Rockies - Major League Baseball

Spring TrainingRockies host Arizona: Wed Feb 25, 1:10 pmRockies host White Sox: Thu Feb 26, 1:10 pmAngels host Rockies: Fri Feb 27, 1:05 pmRockies host Dodgers: Sat Feb 28, 1:10 pmColorado Rapids - Major League SoccerDenver Outlaws - Major League LacrosseDenver Broncos - National Football League


To Place Your Event in this calendar please e-mail [email protected]

EventsMicroChip Your Cat - FREE: September 2008 - September 2009 (as long as supplies last);Variousveterinaryhospitalsandclinicsacross the metro area. 150,000 cats metro-wide will receive free microchips! Visit www.ChipYourCat.com for details.

FREE Nutrition Classes: Tuesdays January 6, 2009 - March 24, 2009; Brekshires at Lowry 6704-A E. Cedar Ave, Denver 10am - 11am or 6pm - 7pm. Free Personal Coaching, Free Nutritional Information. Learn how to eat and stay healthy with our fast-paced lifestyle. Get to meet new people and have fun. For more information and pre-registration, contact Vivian (303)355-4770

35th Annual Denver March PowWow: March 20 - March 22, 2009: The Denver Coliseum, Denver. Doors open Friday - Sunday 10:00 am. The Denver March Pow Wow Committee, on behalf of the Denver Indian community, invites all dancers, singers, traders, spectators and powwow fans to their 25th annual powwow. Enjoy dancing, singing, crafts, artisans, frybread and more. $7 per day or $18 for a three day pass. Seniors ages 60+ and children under 6 years of age are FREE! www.DenverMarchPowWow.org

6th Annual Weekend of Jazz: March 26 - March 28, 2009: The Broadmoor, Colorado Springs. Grammy Award winning guitarist, Earl Klugh, annually invites jazz and music enthusiasts to a unique, luxurious getaway at the Five Star, Five Diamond Broadmoor Resort. Patti Austin, Spyro Gyra, Jesse, J, Bob James, R ‘n’ R (Rick Braun and Richard Elliot),andmore.Ticketsnowonsale!www.WeekendOfJazz.com

3rd Annual RootsFest - Formerly Known as the Denver Folk and Roots Music Festival: March 28, 2009; Ellie Caulkins Opera House, 1477 Columbine St, Denver. $55 - $125. Saturday 6:00 pm. Headlining - Bluegrass legends Hot Rize, multi-Grammy winner singer/songwriter Shawn Colvin, and acclaimed guitar virtuoso Leo Kottke. www.SwallowHillMusic.org

Parker Country Festival: June 12, 2009 - June 14, 2009; Town of Parker, Main Street. FREE Admission - Individual activies such as carnival rides will have costs. Carnival, 150 arts and craft/Commercial vendors, kids’ activities, two stages of free entertainment and a parade. Friday 5:00 pm - 11:00 pm. Saturdy 9:00 am - 11:00 pm. Sunday 9:00 am - 10:00 pm. www.ParkerOnLine.org

Jazz Aspen Snowmass Festival: June 18, 2009 - June 28, 2009; Snowmass Village Resort, Snowmass Colorado. Ticket Information to be announced. NEW VENUE! Show Times To Be Announced. Music, Food, Friends and Fun. www.SnowmassVillage.com

Coolest Car Show: July 4, 2009; 10:00 am - 4:00 pm. Downtown Estes Park, between West Elkhorn Ave and Moraine Ave, Estes Park Colorado. Ticket Information - $4 Adult, $2 children and students, FREE under 6 yrs old, OR BRING THE FAMILY FOR JUST $10! ProceedsbenefittheEstesParkMuseum.TheCoolest Car Show will feature over 100 vintage vehicles from the 1920s and beyond. Car show will take place in Bond Park and throughout the Downtown area. Close up inspection of the cars is encouraged! Information and to register your car: www.EstesParkcvb.com

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Quips & Quotes It’s too big a world to be in competition with everyone. The only person who I have to be better than is myself.

— Colonel Potter When you reach for the stars, you may not quite get one, but you won’t come up with a handful of mud either.

— Leo BurnettGreat music is that which penetrates the ear with facility and leaves the memory withdifficulty.Magicalmusicneverleavesthe memory. — Sir Thomas Beecham

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Little Known Facts About – Weddings

Do you know the most popular month in which couples get married in the United States? June accounts for nearly 11% of all weddingsfollowingcloselybyAugust(10%),May (10%), July (10%), September (10%),October (9%), December (8%), November(7%),April(7%),February(7%),March(6%)then January with 5% of all weddings. The difference between these months is not nearly as vast as many people believe. On average, there are over 48,000 weddings PER WEEK!Do you know the most popular single DAY in which couples become engaged? That day is Christmas, followed by Valentine’s Day.The average engagement period in the US is 15 months and during those months there are millions, of people looking for their wedding vendors; photographer, videographer, caterer, venues for the wedding and rehearsal dinner,officiant,weddingplanner,hairstylist,nail salon, pastry chef, gown supplier, DJ, announcement and invitation printer, travel agent for their honeymoon, florist, jeweler,limo service, tuxedo, personalized wedding souvenirs, shoes, band, carriage service, financial planner, family lawyer, real estateagenttofindtheirnewhome,insuranceagentfor their new home and cars, dress maker, massage therapist, day spa, launderer, alteration specialist, gown preservationist, make up specialist, gifts for the Bride’s maids

and Groom’s men – and SO MUCH MORE!The future couple and their families and friends are scouring newspapers, such as Tidbits, to find theseall importantcomponents for theupcoming wedding. 2.5 millions weddings take place in the US each year. The wedding industry accounts for $72 BILLION in sales each year in the US alone. The average wedding budget in the US is $22,000; and growing! The economy may be down compared to recent years, but couples and their parents are still spending money on this important day. That’s why it’s important for business owners to keep their company on the minds of their prospective clients. By advertising, businesses increase the likelihood of earning some of those wedding dollars.In order to help those businesses and the happy couple looking for quality vendors, Tidbits – Denver Metro Area, will be starting a new section for wedding vendors to advertise. WeddingBits will not only have advertising, but it will feature an article each week. The articles will vary, but will generally be about how to have a healthy marriage – and with divorce rates so high; we could all use advice on how to keep ourmarriage or significantrelationship healthy and fresh!This section is ideal for people planning weddings to meet quality wedding vendors they know they can trust. And wedding vendors know that their ad will be seen in Tidbits – Denver Metro Area over 2 MILLION times each year. This is what Tidbits does – connecting people who wish to purchase

something with people who have items and services to sell – in a POSITIVE paper.Here are a few more “Tidbits” about weddings –

The wedding industry is considered a true •“recession-proof” industry.During the engagement period, couples •buy $4 billion in furniture, $3 billion in house wares and $400 million in tableware.$19 billion is spent buying presents at •wedding gift registries.The average amount spent on a bridal •gown is $800.One Third of engaged couples retain a •wedding consultant. 99% of couples take a honeymoon.•Couples spend an average of $4,000 on •their honeymoon – that’s three times as much as the average US adult spends on a vacation!The “pass along” readership of bridal print •media is 8 – 10 people!A happily married couple will out-live their •single friends.

For more information on the upcoming Wedding Bits, contact Tidbits – Denver Metro Area at (303) 688-1987 or email: [email protected].

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Dog Of The WeekSullivan - a 7-year-old neutered male Labrador retriever mix. ID #A0494199

By Samantha WeaverIt was Herb Caen, Pulitzer Prize-winning •columnist for the San Francisco Chroni-cle, who made the following sage obser-vation: “Cockroaches and socialites are the only things that can stay up all night and eat anything.”The oldest man in the United States is •George Francis, who was born on June 6, 1896, which means he was already nearly 50 years old when D-Day oc-curred. In an interesting coincidence, the United Kingdom’s oldest man, Henry Allingham, is also 112 years old -- and was born on the exact same day of the exact same year.Do you suffer from metathesiophobia? •That’sthescientificappellationgiventothe fear of change.In 2007, one of the justices serving on •the Virginia Supreme Court ordered a plaintiff to drop her pants in court. The purpose was to look at an injury on her leg that was relevant to the case at hand; however, the order was deemed inappropriate and the offending justice was removed from the bench.Every single day, across the globe, •there are more than 200 million Internet searches conducted on Google’s search engine.If you are like the average American •man, over the course of your lifetime youwillspendagrandtotaloffiveyearsin the simple act of shaving. No word in the record at hand of how long women spend on the same chore, taking into account the fact that the real estate they cover in their shaving duties is, gener-ally speaking, larger than that covered by men.If you take into account all the sales in •the world, there are approximately 50 Bibles sold every minute.


Thought for the Day: “Not every story has explosions and car chases. That’s why they have nudity and espionage.”

-- Bill Barnes and Gene Ambaum

WEEKLY ANSWERS

CHANGE A LIFESeeking adults to provide love,

supervision, patience and attention for children 2 - 17 in your home.

Tax FREE Reimbursement, training and support - Call

Sarah (303) 302-3263Denver Area Youth Services

WEEKLY FUNNIESWinter Temperatures

60 above zero: Floridians turn on the •heat. Coloradans plant gardens. 50 above zero: Californians shiver un-•controllably. Coloradans wear shorts and sunbathe on their decks. 40 above zero: Italian & English cars •won’t start. Coloradans drive with the windows down. 32 above zero: Distilled water freezes. •The water in Golden gets thicker. 20 above zero: Floridians don coats, •thermal underwear, gloves, wool hats, etc. Coloradans throw on a flannelshirt. 15 above zero: New York landlords •finally turn up the heat. Coloradanshave the last cookout before it really gets cold. Zero: People in Miami all die. Denveri-•tes decide to close their bedroom win-dow. 5belowzero:Californiansflyawayto•Mexico. Coloradans get out their winter coats if they have any. 15 below zero: Washington DC runs •out of hot air. Coloradans let the dog sleep indoors. 20 below zero: Santa Claus abandons •the North Pole. Denverites get upset because they can’t start the Mini-Van.

Two small boys were overheard talking at the zoo one day. “My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy. “Tommy,” re-plied the second. “My Daddy’s an accoun-tant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy. Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.” “Honest?” asked Billy. “No, just the regular kind,” replied Tommy. “Mr. Clark, I’m afraid I have bad news,” the doctor told his anxious patient. “You only have six months to live.” The man sat in stunned silence for the next several minutes. Regaining his composure, he apologetically told his physician that he had no medical insurance. “I can’t possibly pay you in that time.” “Okay,” the doctor said, “let’s make it nine months.” A politician was outraged at remarks which had been made about him in the local paper and shouted, “You are printing lies about me, and you know it!” “Relax,” the editor said calmly, “What on God’s green earth would you do if we told the truth about you?”

“Daddy, where did I come from?” the seven-year-old asked. It was a moment for which her parents had carefully prepared. They took her into the living room, got out the encyclopedia and several other books, and explained all they thought she should know about sexual attraction, affection, love, and reproduction. Then they both sat back and smiled contentedly. “Does that an-swer your question?” her father asked. “Not really,” the little girl said. “Marcia said she came from Detroit. I want to know where I came from.” The Thomas’ were shown into the dentist’s office,whereMr.Thomasmade itclearhewas in a big hurry. “No fancy stuff, Doctor,” he ordered. “No gas or needles or any of that stuff. Just pull the tooth and get it over with.” “I wish more of my patients were as stoic as you,” said the dentist admiringly. “Now, which tooth is it?” Mr. Thomas turned to his wife, Sue. “Show him your tooth, Honey.”At the company water cooler, the officebraggart was boring his fellow workers as usual. His chosen topic of the day was about his children’s world travels: One son was teaching in Bolivia, another working in southern Italy. Finally, he told everyone that his daughter was working on a year’s research project in India. “What is it about you,”aco-workerfinallyasked,“thatmakesyour kids want to get as far away as pos-sible?”A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “Whatdoyouthinkthe‘landflowingwithmilkand honey’ will be like?” Little Susie raised her hand, stood, and said, “Sticky!”Mom was telling her friend how she gets her son out of bed in the morning. “It’s really easy. I just open his door and toss the cat on his bed. He sleeps with his dog.”


Historic “Hollywood Squares” Responses...

Q. Do female frogs croak? A. Paul •Lynde: If you hold their little heads under water long enough.

Q. If you’re going to make a •parachute jump, at least how high should you be? A. Charley Weaver: Three days of steady drinking should do it.

Q. As you grow •older, do you tend to gesture more or less with your hands while talking? A. Rose Marie: You ask me one more growing old question, and I’ll give you a gesture you’ll never forget.

Q. True or False, a pea can last as •long as 5,000 years. A. George Gobel: Boy, it sure seems that way sometimes.

Q. You’ve been having trouble going •to sleep. Are you probably a man or a woman? A. Don Knotts: That’s what’s been keeping me awake.

Q. When you pat a dog on its head •he will wag his tail. What will a goose do? A. Paul Lynde: Make him bark?

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Laugh Lines!

John R. Martin - Associate of Brokers Guild - Cherry Creek LTD - 720.366.3532 - [email protected]

Specialist in acquiring corporated owned foreclosures for owner occupants and investors

Convenient Online Easy

No one knows better than YOU the features in a home that match your needs or where you want to raise your family.100’s of bank-owned homes now available at unbelievable • prices. I know where they are and will show you how to find them with the Home Buyers Scouting Report!You want to be sure the price is fair, I know the market and • will advise you at no out of pocket expense to you.You want the best terms you can get. I have the experience • of over 200 transactions to aggressively represent you.New home builders are also making deals and I’m not afraid • to ask for deep discounts for my qualified buyers.You have a home to sell? First explore all the options. There • is more than one approach that could make you some real

money.If you qualify to rent, chances are you qualify to purchase a • home for less than you pay now! Find out in less than thirty minutes.I will always be available to you if you want information or • advice. I’m never more than a “click” or a phone call away from giving you the full service you deserve from an experi-enced real estate agent.First time home buyers can get up to $7500 tax credit - • HURRY! Ends July 1. Email me for the link giving you all the info you need!

“Yes...I can be of assistance on all of these points But...You DON’T need me to shop for a home!”

Looking for a home?Take your search to a whole new level!

Q. Paul, why do Hell’s Angels wear •leather? A. Paul Lynde: Because chiffon wrinkles too easily.

Q. Charley, you’ve just decided to •grow strawberries. Are you going togetanyduringthefirstyear?A.Charley Weaver: Of course not, I’m too busy growing strawberries.

Q. In bowling, what’s a perfect •score? A. Rose Marie: Ralph, the pin boy.

Q. During a tornado, are you safer •in the bedroom or in the closet? A. Rose Marie: Unfortunately, I’m always safe in the bedroom.

Q. Can boys join the Camp Fire •Girls? A. Marty Allen: Only after lights out.

Q.Whichofyourfivesenses•tends to diminish as you get older? A. Charley Weaver: My sense of decency.

Q. Who stays pregnant for a longer •period of time, your wife or your elephant? A. Paul Lynde: Who told you about my elephant?

Q. When a couple has a baby, •who is responsible for its sex? A. Charley Weaver: I’ll lend him the car, the rest is up to him.

Q. Jackie Gleason recently •revealedthathefirmlybelievesinthem and has actually seen them on at least two occasions. What are they? A. Charley Weaver: His feet.

tidbits - denver metro area - issue #1075

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