thedeathofhopeshortstory.pdf
TRANSCRIPT
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TheDeathofHopebyErichWeiss
No,youcantmakeme,hescreamedatthetopofhislungs.Hewasbeingdragged
intoasimplelookinglocaltheaterbyhisnowformerbestfriend,Rachel.Inthepast,Rachelwouldhavebeendescribedaskind,funny,andoverallageneralgoodpersoninsocietyinDerrickseyes.Today,however,Rachelisforcinghimtoperform,atleastinhiseyes,theworstcrimeimaginable.watchaMichaelBayfilm.
Comeon,Derrick,saidRachel,Itwontbethatbad.Inthisspecificcase,thefilmwasTransformers5,orasthemovielikestosayTransformers:DeathofHope(anappropriatetitleifhesaidsohimself).ItsTransformers,ofcourseitllbethatbad,hereplied.Youwontknowthatuntilyouseeit.Itslikethatoldsaying,Dontjudgeabookbyitscover.
YoujustwanttoseeitcausetheygotChanningTatum,Derricksaid.Veryfunny,
Rachelreplied.Derrickknewtherealreasonwhyshewantedtoseeit.ShewasabigTransformersfan(Derrickwasnt)yetmadeapromisetoneverseeaBayhelmedmovie,especiallyonebasedontheTransformersuntiltoday.Accordingtoher,themoviewasgoingtofeatureclassicfemaleTransformersalongsidetheAutobots,includingherfavorite,Chromia.Thismusthavemadehercuriousenoughtowantdriveoutandseethisstinker.(Presumably,hewasdraggedinforlifesupport.)
Theyfinally,unfortunatelyforDerrick,passedthroughthedoorsandmadetheirwayto
theticketcounter.Rachelgrabbedoutherwalletandstartedcombingthroughlookingformoney.YouandIbothknowthatthismovieisgoingtosuck,saidDerrick,Weshouldntgivethemananymorereasontomakemoreofthese.Derrick,theticketsarebought.Theresnobackingoutnow,repliedRachel,Comeon,wegottaatleasttrytoenjoyourselves.Evensheknewthatwasimpossiblebutshehadtocalm/convinceDerricksomehow.Andagainsthisbetterjudgement,DerrickfollowedRacheltotheirdesignatedauditorium.
Theymadetheirwaythroughthedoorsandtotheirseatswherethemoviewasabout
tostart.Ohjoy,wemadeitontime,Derrickmutteredunderhisbreath.Quitbeingsuchababy,Rachelmutteredback,thoughDerrickcouldtellinhervoicethatshewasdreadingthisexperienceasmuchashewas.Theytooktheirseatsandwaitedforthecreditstopass.DerrickandRachellookedintoeachotherseyesandgraspedboththeirhandsasiftowishthemluckbeforetheyjumpedfromahelicopterintoaragingvolcanofilledwithlavasharksandfiretornados.
ThemoviesplotwashowcouldDerrickputthis.Imagineeverybadand/or
annoyingscenefromthefourpreviousfilmsandamplifiedthemallbyatleastthirtypercent.ThisthingfollowedthestoryofChanningTatum,whoseemstobeplayingMarkWahlberg's
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characterfromthelastone,Derrickthoughttohimselfatonepoint.DerrickassumedthatWahlbergranawayfromtheprojectasfastaspossible,presumablyshortlyafterfiringhisagent.
Anyways,themoviewasridiculouslyboringand,surprise,underwhelming.ChanningTatumandtheAutobotsteamuptofightagainstthesethingscalledtheCreators,whoapparentlywerethecreatorsoftheTransformers,becausewhynot.Oncethevillainswereestablished,thewholethingbecamearandomandincomprehensiblemessofactionscenes,filledtothebrimwithboringexplosionsashighastheEmpireStateBuilding,thatservedasachallengeforourunderdevelopedcharacters.However,therewasoneotherthingthatRachelherselfcouldcallouton.
AllofthenewfemaleTransformerswereportrayedaseithergirlfriendsorlittlemore
thaneyecandy(yes,wrapyourbrainaroundROBOTeyecandy).Thegirlsdontevenfightanyofthebadguys.Theydidnothing.Rachelsface,oneofrestrainedyetexplodinganger,toldDerrickthatmaybethiswasnthowthingswereintheoriginalcartoon.Regardless,themoviewasoverandthedeedwasdone.Derrickpreparedfortheinevitablerant.
ChromiawasNOTOptimusPrimesgirlfriend,shewasIRONHIDESandeventhen,
shewasstillanextremelybrave,hardasnailssecondincommandofherfemaleteam,saidRachelasloudasshelegallycould,Imean,eventhoughIronhidewaskilled.Wait,howdidyouknowthatIronhidewas,DerricktriedtosaybeforehewascutoffbyRachel.Ireadreviewsoftheothermovies.Butagain,evenstill,therewasstillenoughtoworkwithWell,hellothere.Avoicecutthroughtheirconversationlikeaknifecuttingthroughbutter.
DerrickandRachelturnedtofindtowardsthevoicesowner.Itwasnootherthan
MichaelBayhimself!MichaelBay!WhatareYOUdoinghere?!saidDerrick.Well,whileIwasinmymilliondollarmansion,confessedBay,IcameuponanideaonhowtomakemymoviesBETTER!Better,huh,repliedDerrick.Yes.Itseemsthat,despitethehugeamountsofmoneyIgeteachandeverytimeIreleaseamovie,therearepeoplewhodontlikethem.YoufiguredthisoutNOW,saidRachelverytensely.ItseemedtoDerrickthatRachelwastryingtoholdbackherfull,unbridledemotions,somethingwhichsheseemedtobefailingat.
Well,mymansionissobigandspaciousthatIhardlyeverleave.Assuch,Idont
havethebestviewoftheoutsideworld.Ijustassumedfromthebillionsofdollarsthateverybodylikedmyfilms.ThatswhyImaskingasmanypeopleasIcaniftheylikedthemovieornot,startingwithyou,proclaimedMichaelBay,thenheturnedtoRachel,Howboutit,littlelady.Whatdidyouthinkofmymovie?OnequickglanceatRachelshowedDerrickthatthefuseranout.YouwanttoknowhowIthink?Youdo?!Wellthen,hereswhatITHINK,MichaelBay!!!ThelastthingMichaelBaysawbeforeblackingoutwasaseeminglyfemininefistaimingstraightforhishead.Subsequently,hislastthoughtswerehowcanagirlpunchsodanghard.