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The Death of Hope by Erich Weiss “No, you can’t make me,” he screamed at the top of his lungs. He was being dragged into a simplelooking local theater by his now former “best friend,” Rachel. In the past, Rachel would have been described as kind, funny, and overall a general good person in society in Derrick’s eyes. Today, however, Rachel is forcing him to perform, at least in his eyes, the worst crime imaginable…. watch a Michael Bay film. “Come on, Derrick,” said Rachel, “It won’t be that bad.” In this specific case, the film was “Transformers 5,” or as the movie likes to say “Transformers: Death of Hope” (an appropriate title if he said so himself). “It’s ‘Transformers,’ of course it’ll be that bad,” he replied. “You won’t know that until you see it. It’s like that old saying, ‘Don’t judge a book by its cover.’” “You just want to see it ‘cause they got Channing Tatum,” Derrick said. “Very funny,” Rachel replied. Derrick knew the real reason why she wanted to see it. She was a big Transformers fan (Derrick wasn’t) yet made a promise to never see a Bayhelmed movie, especially one based on the Transformers… until today. According to her, the movie was going to feature classic female Transformers alongside the Autobots, including her favorite, Chromia. This must have made her curious enough to want drive out and see this stinker. (Presumably, he was dragged in for life support.) They finally, unfortunately for Derrick, passed through the doors and made their way to the ticket counter. Rachel grabbed out her wallet and started combing through looking for money. “You and I both know that this movie is going to suck,” said Derrick, “We shouldn’t give the man any more reason to make more of these.” “Derrick, the tickets are bought. There’s no backing out now,” replied Rachel, “Come on, we gotta at least try to enjoy ourselves.” Even she knew that was impossible but she had to calm/convince Derrick somehow. And against his better judgement, Derrick followed Rachel to their designated auditorium. They made their way through the doors and to their seats where the movie was about to start. “Oh joy, we made it on time,” Derrick muttered under his breath. “Quit being such a baby,” Rachel muttered back, though Derrick could tell in her voice that she was dreading this experience as much as he was. They took their seats and waited for the credits to pass. Derrick and Rachel looked into each other’s eyes and grasped both their hands as if to wish them luck before they jumped from a helicopter into a raging volcano filled with lava sharks and fire tornados. The movie’s plot was… how could Derrick put this. Imagine every bad and/or annoying scene from the four previous films and amplified them all by at least thirty percent. This… thing followed the story of Channing Tatum, who seems to be playing Mark Wahlberg's

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  • TheDeathofHopebyErichWeiss

    No,youcantmakeme,hescreamedatthetopofhislungs.Hewasbeingdragged

    intoasimplelookinglocaltheaterbyhisnowformerbestfriend,Rachel.Inthepast,Rachelwouldhavebeendescribedaskind,funny,andoverallageneralgoodpersoninsocietyinDerrickseyes.Today,however,Rachelisforcinghimtoperform,atleastinhiseyes,theworstcrimeimaginable.watchaMichaelBayfilm.

    Comeon,Derrick,saidRachel,Itwontbethatbad.Inthisspecificcase,thefilmwasTransformers5,orasthemovielikestosayTransformers:DeathofHope(anappropriatetitleifhesaidsohimself).ItsTransformers,ofcourseitllbethatbad,hereplied.Youwontknowthatuntilyouseeit.Itslikethatoldsaying,Dontjudgeabookbyitscover.

    YoujustwanttoseeitcausetheygotChanningTatum,Derricksaid.Veryfunny,

    Rachelreplied.Derrickknewtherealreasonwhyshewantedtoseeit.ShewasabigTransformersfan(Derrickwasnt)yetmadeapromisetoneverseeaBayhelmedmovie,especiallyonebasedontheTransformersuntiltoday.Accordingtoher,themoviewasgoingtofeatureclassicfemaleTransformersalongsidetheAutobots,includingherfavorite,Chromia.Thismusthavemadehercuriousenoughtowantdriveoutandseethisstinker.(Presumably,hewasdraggedinforlifesupport.)

    Theyfinally,unfortunatelyforDerrick,passedthroughthedoorsandmadetheirwayto

    theticketcounter.Rachelgrabbedoutherwalletandstartedcombingthroughlookingformoney.YouandIbothknowthatthismovieisgoingtosuck,saidDerrick,Weshouldntgivethemananymorereasontomakemoreofthese.Derrick,theticketsarebought.Theresnobackingoutnow,repliedRachel,Comeon,wegottaatleasttrytoenjoyourselves.Evensheknewthatwasimpossiblebutshehadtocalm/convinceDerricksomehow.Andagainsthisbetterjudgement,DerrickfollowedRacheltotheirdesignatedauditorium.

    Theymadetheirwaythroughthedoorsandtotheirseatswherethemoviewasabout

    tostart.Ohjoy,wemadeitontime,Derrickmutteredunderhisbreath.Quitbeingsuchababy,Rachelmutteredback,thoughDerrickcouldtellinhervoicethatshewasdreadingthisexperienceasmuchashewas.Theytooktheirseatsandwaitedforthecreditstopass.DerrickandRachellookedintoeachotherseyesandgraspedboththeirhandsasiftowishthemluckbeforetheyjumpedfromahelicopterintoaragingvolcanofilledwithlavasharksandfiretornados.

    ThemoviesplotwashowcouldDerrickputthis.Imagineeverybadand/or

    annoyingscenefromthefourpreviousfilmsandamplifiedthemallbyatleastthirtypercent.ThisthingfollowedthestoryofChanningTatum,whoseemstobeplayingMarkWahlberg's

  • characterfromthelastone,Derrickthoughttohimselfatonepoint.DerrickassumedthatWahlbergranawayfromtheprojectasfastaspossible,presumablyshortlyafterfiringhisagent.

    Anyways,themoviewasridiculouslyboringand,surprise,underwhelming.ChanningTatumandtheAutobotsteamuptofightagainstthesethingscalledtheCreators,whoapparentlywerethecreatorsoftheTransformers,becausewhynot.Oncethevillainswereestablished,thewholethingbecamearandomandincomprehensiblemessofactionscenes,filledtothebrimwithboringexplosionsashighastheEmpireStateBuilding,thatservedasachallengeforourunderdevelopedcharacters.However,therewasoneotherthingthatRachelherselfcouldcallouton.

    AllofthenewfemaleTransformerswereportrayedaseithergirlfriendsorlittlemore

    thaneyecandy(yes,wrapyourbrainaroundROBOTeyecandy).Thegirlsdontevenfightanyofthebadguys.Theydidnothing.Rachelsface,oneofrestrainedyetexplodinganger,toldDerrickthatmaybethiswasnthowthingswereintheoriginalcartoon.Regardless,themoviewasoverandthedeedwasdone.Derrickpreparedfortheinevitablerant.

    ChromiawasNOTOptimusPrimesgirlfriend,shewasIRONHIDESandeventhen,

    shewasstillanextremelybrave,hardasnailssecondincommandofherfemaleteam,saidRachelasloudasshelegallycould,Imean,eventhoughIronhidewaskilled.Wait,howdidyouknowthatIronhidewas,DerricktriedtosaybeforehewascutoffbyRachel.Ireadreviewsoftheothermovies.Butagain,evenstill,therewasstillenoughtoworkwithWell,hellothere.Avoicecutthroughtheirconversationlikeaknifecuttingthroughbutter.

    DerrickandRachelturnedtofindtowardsthevoicesowner.Itwasnootherthan

    MichaelBayhimself!MichaelBay!WhatareYOUdoinghere?!saidDerrick.Well,whileIwasinmymilliondollarmansion,confessedBay,IcameuponanideaonhowtomakemymoviesBETTER!Better,huh,repliedDerrick.Yes.Itseemsthat,despitethehugeamountsofmoneyIgeteachandeverytimeIreleaseamovie,therearepeoplewhodontlikethem.YoufiguredthisoutNOW,saidRachelverytensely.ItseemedtoDerrickthatRachelwastryingtoholdbackherfull,unbridledemotions,somethingwhichsheseemedtobefailingat.

    Well,mymansionissobigandspaciousthatIhardlyeverleave.Assuch,Idont

    havethebestviewoftheoutsideworld.Ijustassumedfromthebillionsofdollarsthateverybodylikedmyfilms.ThatswhyImaskingasmanypeopleasIcaniftheylikedthemovieornot,startingwithyou,proclaimedMichaelBay,thenheturnedtoRachel,Howboutit,littlelady.Whatdidyouthinkofmymovie?OnequickglanceatRachelshowedDerrickthatthefuseranout.YouwanttoknowhowIthink?Youdo?!Wellthen,hereswhatITHINK,MichaelBay!!!ThelastthingMichaelBaysawbeforeblackingoutwasaseeminglyfemininefistaimingstraightforhishead.Subsequently,hislastthoughtswerehowcanagirlpunchsodanghard.


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