TheDeathofHopebyErichWeiss

No,youcantmakeme,hescreamedatthetopofhislungs.Hewasbeingdragged

intoasimplelookinglocaltheaterbyhisnowformerbestfriend,Rachel.Inthepast,Rachelwouldhavebeendescribedaskind,funny,andoverallageneralgoodpersoninsocietyinDerrickseyes.Today,however,Rachelisforcinghimtoperform,atleastinhiseyes,theworstcrimeimaginable.watchaMichaelBayfilm.

Comeon,Derrick,saidRachel,Itwontbethatbad.Inthisspecificcase,thefilmwasTransformers5,orasthemovielikestosayTransformers:DeathofHope(anappropriatetitleifhesaidsohimself).ItsTransformers,ofcourseitllbethatbad,hereplied.Youwontknowthatuntilyouseeit.Itslikethatoldsaying,Dontjudgeabookbyitscover.

YoujustwanttoseeitcausetheygotChanningTatum,Derricksaid.Veryfunny,

Rachelreplied.Derrickknewtherealreasonwhyshewantedtoseeit.ShewasabigTransformersfan(Derrickwasnt)yetmadeapromisetoneverseeaBayhelmedmovie,especiallyonebasedontheTransformersuntiltoday.Accordingtoher,themoviewasgoingtofeatureclassicfemaleTransformersalongsidetheAutobots,includingherfavorite,Chromia.Thismusthavemadehercuriousenoughtowantdriveoutandseethisstinker.(Presumably,hewasdraggedinforlifesupport.)

Theyfinally,unfortunatelyforDerrick,passedthroughthedoorsandmadetheirwayto

theticketcounter.Rachelgrabbedoutherwalletandstartedcombingthroughlookingformoney.YouandIbothknowthatthismovieisgoingtosuck,saidDerrick,Weshouldntgivethemananymorereasontomakemoreofthese.Derrick,theticketsarebought.Theresnobackingoutnow,repliedRachel,Comeon,wegottaatleasttrytoenjoyourselves.Evensheknewthatwasimpossiblebutshehadtocalm/convinceDerricksomehow.Andagainsthisbetterjudgement,DerrickfollowedRacheltotheirdesignatedauditorium.

Theymadetheirwaythroughthedoorsandtotheirseatswherethemoviewasabout

tostart.Ohjoy,wemadeitontime,Derrickmutteredunderhisbreath.Quitbeingsuchababy,Rachelmutteredback,thoughDerrickcouldtellinhervoicethatshewasdreadingthisexperienceasmuchashewas.Theytooktheirseatsandwaitedforthecreditstopass.DerrickandRachellookedintoeachotherseyesandgraspedboththeirhandsasiftowishthemluckbeforetheyjumpedfromahelicopterintoaragingvolcanofilledwithlavasharksandfiretornados.

ThemoviesplotwashowcouldDerrickputthis.Imagineeverybadand/or

annoyingscenefromthefourpreviousfilmsandamplifiedthemallbyatleastthirtypercent.ThisthingfollowedthestoryofChanningTatum,whoseemstobeplayingMarkWahlberg's

characterfromthelastone,Derrickthoughttohimselfatonepoint.DerrickassumedthatWahlbergranawayfromtheprojectasfastaspossible,presumablyshortlyafterfiringhisagent.

Anyways,themoviewasridiculouslyboringand,surprise,underwhelming.ChanningTatumandtheAutobotsteamuptofightagainstthesethingscalledtheCreators,whoapparentlywerethecreatorsoftheTransformers,becausewhynot.Oncethevillainswereestablished,thewholethingbecamearandomandincomprehensiblemessofactionscenes,filledtothebrimwithboringexplosionsashighastheEmpireStateBuilding,thatservedasachallengeforourunderdevelopedcharacters.However,therewasoneotherthingthatRachelherselfcouldcallouton.

AllofthenewfemaleTransformerswereportrayedaseithergirlfriendsorlittlemore

thaneyecandy(yes,wrapyourbrainaroundROBOTeyecandy).Thegirlsdontevenfightanyofthebadguys.Theydidnothing.Rachelsface,oneofrestrainedyetexplodinganger,toldDerrickthatmaybethiswasnthowthingswereintheoriginalcartoon.Regardless,themoviewasoverandthedeedwasdone.Derrickpreparedfortheinevitablerant.

ChromiawasNOTOptimusPrimesgirlfriend,shewasIRONHIDESandeventhen,

shewasstillanextremelybrave,hardasnailssecondincommandofherfemaleteam,saidRachelasloudasshelegallycould,Imean,eventhoughIronhidewaskilled.Wait,howdidyouknowthatIronhidewas,DerricktriedtosaybeforehewascutoffbyRachel.Ireadreviewsoftheothermovies.Butagain,evenstill,therewasstillenoughtoworkwithWell,hellothere.Avoicecutthroughtheirconversationlikeaknifecuttingthroughbutter.

DerrickandRachelturnedtofindtowardsthevoicesowner.Itwasnootherthan

MichaelBayhimself!MichaelBay!WhatareYOUdoinghere?!saidDerrick.Well,whileIwasinmymilliondollarmansion,confessedBay,IcameuponanideaonhowtomakemymoviesBETTER!Better,huh,repliedDerrick.Yes.Itseemsthat,despitethehugeamountsofmoneyIgeteachandeverytimeIreleaseamovie,therearepeoplewhodontlikethem.YoufiguredthisoutNOW,saidRachelverytensely.ItseemedtoDerrickthatRachelwastryingtoholdbackherfull,unbridledemotions,somethingwhichsheseemedtobefailingat.

Well,mymansionissobigandspaciousthatIhardlyeverleave.Assuch,Idont

havethebestviewoftheoutsideworld.Ijustassumedfromthebillionsofdollarsthateverybodylikedmyfilms.ThatswhyImaskingasmanypeopleasIcaniftheylikedthemovieornot,startingwithyou,proclaimedMichaelBay,thenheturnedtoRachel,Howboutit,littlelady.Whatdidyouthinkofmymovie?OnequickglanceatRachelshowedDerrickthatthefuseranout.YouwanttoknowhowIthink?Youdo?!Wellthen,hereswhatITHINK,MichaelBay!!!ThelastthingMichaelBaysawbeforeblackingoutwasaseeminglyfemininefistaimingstraightforhishead.Subsequently,hislastthoughtswerehowcanagirlpunchsodanghard.