the writers room (first draft)
TRANSCRIPT
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8/11/2019 The Writers Room (First Draft)
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COLD OPEN
FADE IN:
EXT. CITY STREETS - DAY
DAVID [early 30s, well dressed] bikes down the street.
INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY
There are 8 writers in the room, including Nathan, Claudia, Ronald,
Oliver, Sidney, and Steven.
NATHAN [early 30s, flannel and a bow tie, Jewish] is typing something
on his laptop.
CLAUDIA [late 20s, sweatshirt, ponytail, All-American] and RONALD[early 20s, ribbed sweater and chinos, black] are talking in whispers
about something childish and unimportant.
SIDNEY [late 50s, modestly dressed] is doing a crossword puzzle.
OLIVER [early 30s, sweater vest, glasses] is meditating on the floor.
STEVEN [early 20s, red Starfleet sweater, beard and glasses] is
talking on a cellular phone (not a cell phone. A cellular phone.).
CLAUDIA
Had another blind date last night.
RONALD
How'd it go?
CLAUDIA
Another German puppeteer.
SIDNEY
(to Ronald and Claudia)
Hey guys, crossword help. 9 letter word.
To listen in on someone's conversation.
OLIVER
Eavesdrop.
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SIDNEY
Ugh, Oliver, quit being such a... thank you...
DAVID TALKING HEAD
DAVID
What do I- I just talk?
CAMERAMAN
Yes sir.
DAVID
Okay... Well, first things first,
do not call me sir. It makes me thinkmy deceased father is wandering around.
(feigns laughter)
Okay, so... I ride my bike to
work every morning because it is
healthy, economical, and helps the
environment. The big three! Also,
my ex-wife took the car in
the settlement, so... its- its
actually the big four. Well...
the big three and the smaller one.(feigns laughter)
CAMERAMAN
I meant... about the show, sir...
I meant talk about the show...
DAVID
Oh... well... that information would
have been useful before I told you my
life story, huh... uh... Im the showrunner
of The Michael Ford Show. Im the giant
head behind the curtain... Oz reference...
Wizard of Oz, not the prison show... although
I'm sure there's a joke here somewhere...
INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY
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David enters the scene, almost Kramer-esque.
DAVID
I've got it! Wizard... of Oz!
The other writers just stare at David with a blank expression.
DAVID
The prison show, not the... Hey, why
aren't you guys writing?
NATHAN
I am.
DAVID
(ignoring Nathan)You do realize you can start without me,
right?
STEVEN
Work? That aint my job!
RONALD
Thats funny.
Ronald and Steven high-five.
SIDNEY
Its not.
DAVID
You work here. You are supposed to
work. Thats literally your job.
Should I eve-
STEVEN
Hey, David... David.
DAVID
What?
STEVEN
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Knock knock.
DAVID
This oughta be good. Whos there?
STEVEN
Shut up.
Everyone except David, Sidney, and Nathan are dying of laughter.
SIDNEY
Steven, I think you forgot the
punchline.
DAVID
Steven.
STEVEN
What?
DAVID
Knock knock.
STEVEN
Whos there?
DAVID
Youre fired.
Everyone except David and Sidney gasp.
SIDNEY
Seriously, you guys dont know
how to tell jokes.
END OF COLD OPEN
ACT ONE
INT. NATHAN'S APARTMENT - DAY
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Riley [early 30s, dashing but rough around the edges, small beard] is
playing video games in an extremely messy apartment, wearing nothing
but a wife beater and a pair of boxers.
Nathan enters the scene wearing velvet pajamas.
NATHAN
What th- what the hell?!
RILEY
I know what you're thinking...!
Nathan is waiting for Riley to say something else, but he continues
playing video games.
NATHAN
Are you gonna...?
RILEY
Yeah, in a sec. But first I gotta
rape this prosty.
NATHAN
She's a prostitute already. Do you
really have to rape her?
RILEYIts just a game, its not real.
NATHAN
If its not real, then give her
some of that not real credit.
RILEY
Nah... I wanna save those for a
sweeter ride...
NATHAN
Look at this place! It's a mess!
I just cleaned it up last night
after work and it already smells
like pot and...(sniffs) my Drakkar
Noir?!
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RILEY
...the Drakkar Noir was supposed to
get rid of the pot smell...
Nathan sighs and goes to the refrigerator.
NATHAN
(going through the fridge)
What happened to all of the food?
RILEY
Funny story actually... I got hungry.
Oh, and the next time you go to the
supermarket, can you get more Dijon...
please?
NATHAN
You need to get a job, like, now.
RIGHT NOW.
RILEY
A job? And become a sellout?
NATHAN
Sellout?
RILEY
Yeah... I'd be like... ya know...
working and, like, serving the man
or whatever
NATHAN
Keep talking.
RILEY
What...?
NATHAN
I just think this would be, ya know,
beneficial for your stay in my
apartment.
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RILEY
Ahem, our apartment
NATHAN
No, it's "our" when you pay rent.
And bills. And taxes.
RILEY
Wait... didn't you say somebody got
fired yesterday? At your sweatshop...
I mean job...
NATHAN
WHAT? NO.
RILEY
WHAT?
NATHAN
You cannot work at my job!
RILEY
What do you do again?
Nathans mouth drops.
NATHAN
You don't even know what I do!
RILEY
Well I guess I could just stay
in the apartment all day and smoke
the marijuanas and play some more
video games...
NATHAN
Fine!
Nathan goes to his room.
RILEY
YES! No, but seriously what do you
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do again?
NATHAN
I write for The Michael Ford Show.
RILEY
Oh yeah, Michael Ford... Isn't that
the old guy from Community?
NATHAN
No, that's Bill Murray.
RILEY
Ah.
INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY
Ronald, Claudia, Sidney, Oliver and 3 other writers are sitting at a
table.
Ronald is sitting next to Claudia, doing a hand trick.
RONALD
Ready?
CLAUDIA
Yeah.
RONALD
Put your hands together as if you're
about to clap.
CLAUDIA
Okay.
She follows. Ronald puts his hands around her hands.
RONALD
Push your hands together as hard
as you can.
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Ronald pushes his hands back together as hard as he can, and then
stops pushing.
RONALD
Now you should feel a bubble through
your hands.
CLAUDIA
Oh my god, that is so cool!
RONALD
Yeah... I guess it is...
Ronald stares at her for a moment, trying to break into the fortress
that is her mind. Ronald looks over at Sidney, who is smirking athim. She looks away and continues typing.
RONALD TALKING HEAD
RONALD
Do I like Claudia? Psh yeah,
as a friend... Shes kinda like
the light in this abyss that is
my world right now, like, after
getting kicked out of comedy clubsfor heckling the audience, you know
I- I hit rock bottom. I hit it real
hard.
COMEDY CLUB - STOCK FOOTAGE - NIGHT
Filmed on a cellphone, the image quality is that of a potato.
RONALD
...and thats why Im not allowed
within 100 yards of John Stamos.
Sporadic laughter from the audience. Ronald takes a sip from his
water bottle.
AUDIENCE MEMBER
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You suck!
RONALD
What?
AUDIENCE MEMBER
Get off the stage, you clown!
Youre a clown and your name is
Ronald! That makes you Ronald
McDonald!
Ronald throws his water bottle at the man.
CUT TO:
Ronald throwing much heavier objects at the audience: a stool a mic
stand etc.
RONALD
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
CUT TO:
Ronald humping the stool.
CUT TO:
Ronald farting into the microphone.CUT TO:
RONALD
(calm)
I hope you all die in car accidents.
Thanks for your time, my name is Ronald.
RONALD TALKING HEAD
RONALD
Then... somehow I got a spot
on the show, and met Claudia,
and... its been great... Did
I just tell my life story to
a camera in under a minute?
CAMERAMAN
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Yeah, you people tend to do that a lot.
RONALD
... you people... ?
INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY
Nathan and Riley enter the scene.
Riley is wearing sunglasses.
NATHAN
And this is where I write.
RILEY
Good, good, goo-
Riley and Claudia see each other.
Wide eyed and wide mouthed, Riley looks into the camera and does the
'80s movie sunglasses' gag.
CLAUDIA
Oh no.
RILEYOh yes.
RONALD
Damn. I knew I should've went
to the meeting last week. I'm
so out of sync.
NATHAN
What's- what's going on here guys?
RILEY
We...
Claudia grits her teeth, as if to say "Don't you say it".
RILEY
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Dated.
RONALD/CLAUDIA/NATHAN/SIDNEY
What?/Blech/Him?/I cant believe you two used to
date you seem so different in your general
appearance and behavior! Oh did... did everyone
else stop talking?
OLIVER
Do you have any... stories? Of...
you and Princess Claudia... shagging?
NATHAN
(quiet)
Dial it back, Austin Powers.
Riley plops himself in Stevens old seat. This is now his permanent
seat.
RILEY
Oh... (cracks knuckles) Ive got
stories. Stories thatll make you goHuh? What? Oh god! No!
Everyone except Claudia and Ronald are intrigued.
RILEY
But first... I need snacks.
A bag of popcorn pops into frame.
OLIVER TALKING HEAD
OLIVER
Oh, I have popcorn all over the place.
Oliver reaches under his seat and its a bag of popcorn. He proceeds
to munch on said popcorn.
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END OF ACT ONE
ACT TWO
INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY
David enters the scene, to see a bunch of men removing the door from
Michael Ford's dressing room.
DAVID
What's going on?
MAN
Mr. Ford won't come out of his dressing room.
The men remove the door. David enters. Slouched over in the corner ofhis dressing room isMICHAEL FORD [early 50s, sport coat, jeans]. His
glasses are hanging off the side of his face and are broken. He jumps
up as soon as he sees David.
MICHAEL
David! Youve come here to save me!
Michael hugs David.
DAVIDYeah... something like that.
Michael, whats going on?
Michael picks up a script.
MICHAEL
Can ya believe this?!
Michael tosses the script at David.
MICHAEL
Can you believe the material
these hacks have me working with?
They want me to wear a dress!
DAVID
I thought it was pretty funny...
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MICHAEL
I DONT DO PHYSICAL COMEDY.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
Yeah, I was famous for doing
physical comedy back in the 70s
and 80s.
INT. OLD TV SHOW SET - STOCK FOOTAGE
The image quality is low, a little bit better than a VHS tape.
MICHAELWelcome to The Michael Ford Show!
Michael slips on a banana peel, which is conveniently lying 3
inches away from his foot. The audience dies of laughter. Michael
V8s himself in the head.
MICHAEL
Aw noodles!
Laughing intensifies.
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
But I got sick of the fame
and the money and the bitches,
and trust me, there were
money and bitches a plenty...
so I left and I... found myself.
CUT TO:
Michael dancing, having a grand ol time with Native Americans.
MICHAEL
(V.O.)
I coasted off the islands of Belize,
and I lived with the Natives. Good
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people.
CUT TO:
The Native Americans riding away in their truck with a tied-up white
man and Michael, clapping, in the back.
MICHAEL
But then money got tight...
CUT TO:
The Natives pickpocketing Michael.
CUT TO:
MICHAEL TALKING HEAD
MICHAEL
I came back to star in my own TV show.
But I can not deal. I mean, they want
me to wear a dress! In Belize we had a
saying. Babocoa Zu. Meaning: One does
not walk in the light without shadow...
I am now starting to think that maybe I
was not in Belize... Where was I...?
INT. MICHAELS DRESSING ROOM - DAY
DAVID
What do you mean you dont do
physical comedy?
MICHAEL
I mean I am PHYSICALLY OVER physical comedy,
David! I am old and my body is fragile.
I did my own stunts, ya know. My point,
David, is that I dont do physical comedy
anymore. My humor is much more subtle now.
DAVID
Subtle?
CUT TO:
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INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY
Michael is walking through the studio, with a smile on his face.
MICHAEL
What a wonderful day it is.
Michael walks past an overweight Latino gentleman.
MICHAEL
Whoa, take it easy on the Taco Bell
okay guy? Haha! Right? Cause youre fat AND
Mexican. Haaaa, no but seriously buddy thats
not okay. Get a gym membership.
Ronald, walking, bumps into Michael.
MICHAEL
Whoa Nelly!
RONALD
Sorry, Mr. Ford. Ready to steal the show?
MICHAEL
Yeah, not unless you steal it first!
RONALD
What?
MICHAEL
In the hood...
Ronald is angry. Michael mistakes his anger for confusion.
MICHAEL
WITH YOUR GANGS.
INT. MICHAELS DRESSING ROOM - DAY
DAVID
Be that as it may, the network is
really pushing for physical comedy,
as it can reach a wider audience,
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so thats what were going for here.
So-
MICHAEL
But David! Im smart! I went to a
two year college in Connecticut
that specialized in birdhouse making!
I can make birdhouses, David! Birdhouses!
DAVID
Look, Ill make you a deal. You wear
the dress and you can make all the
subtle jokes that you want. Deal?
MICHAEL
... Deal...
David turns to leave.
MICHAEL
You know, Davey, we should hang out
sometime.
DAVID
Ooh, I dont know, buddy, Im booked
all month. Super busy.
MICHAEL
(laughs)
No youre not.
David leaves, offended and confused as to how Michael knew that.
INT. WRITERS ROOM - DAY
Riley is telling stories to the writers. Nathan is
horrified/fascinated, Claudia and Ronald are shown to be very
uncomfortable, and Oliver is eating popcorn.
RILEY
And I was like (high pitched voice)
No! Stop! Im just a little boy!
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and she was like (deep voice)
"Put it there and shut up!"
Ronald stares at Claudia, who is embarrassed and ashamed of herself,
more than Riley.
Riley looks over at Claudia, with a wide grin on his face.
RILEY
Isn't that right, Claudia?
On the verge of tears, Claudia runs out of the room.
RONALD
Claudia!
Ronald stands up halfway before realizing he has a visitor and sits
back down. Sidney runs after Claudia.
SIDNEY
Claudia!
Ronald, Nathan, Riley, and Oliver sit there for a moment, just to
gather their thoughts.
OLIVER(to Riley)
Do you mind if I make you the protagonist
of my graphic novel?
David enters the scene.
DAVID
Hey guys!
RILEY
Hi.
DAVID
Oh you must be the new guy! Hi,
I'm David Berman. I'm your boss.
David and Riley shake hands.
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RILEY
(nervous wide-eyed)
Hi, Mr. Bear-Man... my name's
Riley... Riley... (panicked)
What's my last name? Oh no!
Did I say that out loud?!
David and Riley are still shaking hands.
David politely lets go of Riley's hand.
DAVID
We'll work on it.
RILEY
Thank you.
DAVID
I like you. I like you a lot.
I like you so much... I'm
promoting you to my #2!
NATHAN
What?! David! I've wanted thatjob for years!
DAVID
Well I think Riley has the
ingenuity and the integrity
that this show needs. I mean,
you did give me his application...
right?
NATHAN
...Right...
Nathan walks out. He's not even mad, he's just done.
DAVID
Welcome, Riley. Oliver!
Move your things out of
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Rileys new office!
Oliver is eating an apple when he hears this news. He crunches into
his apple, sad. The crunch of the apple brings us to the end of Act
Two.
END OF ACT TWO
INT. RileyS OFFICE - NIGHT
Riley is playing guitar/singing.
RILEY
(singing)
I like hot ladies/I like them alot/I likethem more than cookies.
Claudia enters the room.
CLAUDIA
Hey youre a jerk. You
know that?
RILEY
No I did not know that.Is that a popular opinion?
CLAUDIA
You didnt have to tell everyone
our business. Now everybody knows
my kinks and what have you!
RILEY
(murmuring)
Sorry.
CLAUDIA
What was that?
RILEY
(a bit loud)
Im sorry.
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CLAUDIA
Huh?!
Riley slams his hands on his desk and stands up.
RILEY
Im sorry!
CLAUDIA
I know!
Claudia rolls her eyes and storms out. Riley tries to process what
just happened.
RILEYOh very funny!
EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
Ronald is sitting in a lawn chair, on the roof, sparkler in hand,
watching over the city. Nathan enters the scene.
NATHAN
Hey.
RONALD
Hey Nathan. Howd you know this was
my thinking spot?
NATHAN
You have a thinking spot?
RONALD
I told you that in confidence!
NATHAN
You told me that, not even 5 seconds ago.
RONALD
I believe you...
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Ronald pulls up another chair for Nathan. Nathan shakes his head,
realizing the ridiculousness of all this. Nathan takes a seat.
Silence.
NATHAN
Kirk or Picard?
RONALD
Kirk. You?
NATHAN
Picard.
RONALD
Nerd.
INT. RileyS OFFICE - NIGHT
Riley is sitting in his office, drinking tea. Oliver is standing in
the corner, observing. Riley notices him noticing him.
RILEY
You want some?
OLIVER
Oh... because Im BritishI must love tea! Let me tell you
something! Not all of us Brits
talk posh and drink tea okay?!
RILEY
Okay...
OLIVER
... oh now where the FUCK is my
mobile?
Oliver storms off, presumably in search of his mobile (phone).
RILEY
Oliver, Im sorry!
OLIVER
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I know!
EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
Nathan and Ronald are still sitting on the roof. Nathan notices
Ronald sitting there, all mopey.
NATHAN
Whats got ya down, chum?
Silence.
NATHAN
Is it a girl?
More silence.
NATHAN
Is it...?
Ronald sees Claudia entering.
RONALD
Claudia!
CLAUDIAHey.
RONALD
Are you okay?
CLAUDIA
I should be fine...
RONALD
Thats good.
CLAUDIA
But Im not!
(cries)
Such tears, much sadness. Ronald gives Claudia a hug. Nathan goes to
comfort them both. Oliver enters and witnesses this scene.
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OLIVER
Ooh, group hug! Are we group
hugging it?!
ALL
No!
Oliver proceeds to join the group hug anyway. Riley enters the scene.
ALL
BOOOOOOOO!!!!
RILEY
I just came up hereto see if Oliver was
okay.
OLIVER
No, I am not okay, Riley.
You hurt me. Very, very
badly.
CLAUDIA
All aboard the Riley hate train,say Aye.
OLIVER
Aye.
RONALD
Aye.
NATHAN
... Aye.
RILEY
(shocked)
Et tu Nathan?
INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY
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Michael, dressed in a nicer suit than before, knocks on Michaels
dressing room door.
DAVID
Come on Michael! Showtime! Lets go!
Michael opens the door, halfway.
MICHAEL
Hey David buddy, I know we came to an
agreement and everything, but Im having
some... pre-show jitters.
DAVID
Aha nice try, Michael. Open up.
David forces his way into Michaels dressing room. He immediately
regrets this decision. He smells an awful smell.
DAVID
Holy Mary, mother of God.
Michael, what is that smell?
MICHAEL
I peed, David. I peed and I pooped.
Help me!
DAVID
What?
Michael reaches for David, causing David to freak out.
DAVID
Ew, gross. Don't touch
me, you dirty bum!
MICHAEL
WHAT?
DAVID TALKING HEAD
DAVID
When I was nineteen,I had a very
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brief stint working at an old folks
home. There was... so much pee... but
the amount of poop... still gives me
nightmares. That was my Vietnam...
INT. STUDIO BACKSTAGE - DAY
DAVID
Okay look, I think I've got a solution
for these pre-show jitters.
CUT TO:
INT. BAR - NIGHT
David and Michael in a bar. David, shirtless, is in the middle of
being told a story by Michael, who is wearing a dress.
MICHAEL
... and thats why Im not allowed
within 100 yards of Bob Saget.
David laughs. The barkeeper walks up with a shirt for David. David
puts on the shirt. In big bright letters, on the shirt is written MY
LITTLE PONY.
DAVIDThanks, Maurice.
MAURICE
Friendship is magic.
Maurice walks away. Michael and David take sips of their scotch and
whiskey, respectively.
MICHAEL
Look at us, David, hanging out.
Like friends... or play cousins.
David chuckles.
MICHAEL
Im a failure.
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DAVID
What?
MICHAEL
Look at me, David, Im in a
goddamn dress, sitting in a
goddamn bar, half an hour til
goddamn midnight.
Silence. Michael slams his glass on the table.
MICHAEL
Goddamn!
David is goddamn scared.
MICHAEL
Sorry, Davey. Its just...
I have to be this way. I
have to be... difficult.
If Im not... no one will
pay attention to me.
David downs his drink before slamming his glass on the table.
DAVID
Nobody paying attention to you?!
Silence.
DAVID
Michael... Im the showrunner
of a comedy show that can barely
keep its head above water! Nobody
cares. When people watch my sho-
your show, rather... theyre not
gonna go That David Berman. He sure is
an excellent writer. Theyre gonna go
Michael Ford. Wow. What a great actor.
Silence.
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MICHAEL
... Lets not make this all about you.
David grits his teeth and downs Michaels drink for him.
DAVID
Wait, did you say it was a half hour
til midnight?
CUT TO:
David and Michael biking to the studio. Michael, holding on for dear
life as his hair blows in the wind.
EXT. ROOF - NIGHT
Riley, Ronald, Claudia, Nathan, and Oliver are still on the rooftop.
RILEY
Nathan, how could you betray me?
NATHAN
You robbed me of that position!
RILEY
I didnt want this! It just happened!
Nathan... youre my best friend.
CLAUDIA
Hes using friendship to invoke
forgiveness!
RILEY
Friendship is magic.
NATHAN
Hes right.. friendship is
magic. Bring it in here.
Riley gives Nathan a hug.
RILEY
Group hug, group hug.
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Ronald and Oliver join in on the hug.
CLAUDIA
Really? It was that easy?
Enter Sidney.
SIDNEY
Ew. Boys.
The boys make their way back down to the writers room.
CLAUDIA
I feel cheated.
SIDNEYI feel left out.
CLAUDIA
Do you think itll always be this way?
SIDNEY
Nah... Im sure theyll warm up to me
eventually...
Claudia walks away. Sidney is in her own little world.
SIDNEY
Just you wait...
Sidney looks directly into the camera, with a knowing glance.
INT. STUDIO - NIGHT
ANNOUNCER (O.S.)
Give it up for the star
of The Michael Ford Show...
Michaellllllll Foooooooord!
David and Michael arrive just in time. Michael powders his nose and
makes his cheeks all rosy, and puts on a brown wig and lipstick.
Michael comes out to a round of applause. David watches on. Claudia,
Nathan, Ronald, Riley, and Oliver join him.
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DAVID
This is gonna be one hell of a show.
MICHAEL
(womanly British voice)
Hello, everybody! Michael couldnt
make it this evening, so he asked
me to fill in! Im your host...
Susan Boyle!
David flips the pages of his script, maniacally and furiously.
RONALD
Were all going to hell.
END OF SCRIPT