Cast of Characters(in order of appearance)Pete:The happily married newlywed whose honeymoon will take a strange turn.May:PETE'S wife who will have a similar experience.

Doc:An odd character who is the first to disturb the couple in more ways than one.John:A man, who also disturbs them, but his wife is having a baby.Maggie:JOHN'S wife who is heavy with baby and not happy about it.Frank, Eunice, and Myrtle:Three hippies from a nearby Commune.Time and PlaceLate December.A cabin in the mountains.

(A snowy evening in late December.Lights come up inside a very rustic cabin.There is an entrance DR, a doorway L. There is a table but no chairs.C is a rug.DC is a sketchy area suggesting a fireplace.Outside the door DR, PETE and MAY appear)PETEAre you sure this is the right key?MAYI think so.PETEIt won't fit.MAYOkay.Maybe it isn't the right key.PETEIs this the right cabin?MAYThis is it.See.#1PETEBut the key won't turn.

MAYMaybe the lock's frozen.PETEMaybe.MAYBlow on it.PETE(Embraces MAY)With pleasure.MAYNot me.The keyhole.It's cold out here.(PETE blows on lock)Did it work?PETE(Mumbles something)Mmm lii r stk.MAYWhat?PETE(Lips on keyhole)My lips are stuck.MAYYoure kidding?PETE(Stands and smiles)Im kidding.(Tries key)Hey, I think that did it.(They enter.Stage lights are dim.They look for a light switch with flashlights)Where's the light switch?

MAYI don't know.(They look.She finds a lantern)Here's a lantern.

PETEI guess that's our light.(MAY lights it with matches that are on the table. Stage lights come up)I thought this place had electricity.MAYWell, the ad did say rustic.PETEThey weren't kidding.MAY(Trying to be positive)So, what do you think?PETENot much.MAYOh, it's not that bad.(PETE goes to doorway L)What's in there?PETEThe bedroom I think.MAYYou can't tell?PETEI've never seen a bed...that well...leaned quite so much to one side.(Cocks his head to match the tilt of the bed)MAYMaybe one of the legs is missing.PETEThat should be fun to sleep on.MAYIt could be some new wave thing.PETEIf it is, it's the only thing in here that's not from the 19th century.

MAYWe'll find something to put under one side of the bed.It'll be fine.PETE(Crosses R)So, where's the bathroom?MAY(Points to door UR)There's only one other door, so that must be it.PETE(Goes to door UR)I wonder if it has a shower or bathtub.MAYI hope it's a bathtub.I brought some bubble bath.PETE(Opens door.Brooms, mops, etc. fall out on him. MAY chuckles.PETE glares at her)It's not funny.MAYSorry.PETENo you're not.MAYYou're probably right.PETEUh, May?MAYYes, Pete.PETEI do believe there isn't a bathroom.There's only two doors and I've tried them both.MAYI thought they said there was one when we rented this thing.I was sure to ask about it since this is in the mountains away from everything.PETE(Looking out window) I found it.MAYWhere?(PETE points out window)Oh, no not an outhouse.I was sure they said...PETESince when do businessmen tell the truth?Whatever'll make 'em a buck...MAYMaybe we just misunderstood.PETEAnd maybe we didn't.I wonder what else they lied about.MAY(Goes to him)Petey.This is our honeymoon.Can't we make the best of it?PETEOkay.I guess I can handle an outhouse for a few days.MAYThank you.PETEI'll be back.(Starts for door DR)

MAYLook at it as an adventure, dear.(PETE debates about making some sort of reply to this but decides against it.Exits DR)I guess I should make a fire.(Starts DC, but stops)Or maybe we could make a fire of our own.(Exits to bedroom L)Oh, shoot, the bed.(Comes out, gets a log from DL, exits L)That should do it.There.Perfect.(Pause.DR door opens.A hermit [DOC] enters)Hello, honey.(DOC looks around confused)What would you say to our making our own little fire in here?(DOC gets excited and starts to undress)PETE(Enters.Sees DOC.Angry) Who are you?!MAY(Confused)Pete?(Comes out.Still dressed)Who's that?!PETEI don't know.(DOC looks at both of them nervously)Well?DOCNo hablo ingles.PETEFunny, you don't look Spanish.DOCNo comprendo.PETENo habla inglish?Yo hablo espanol tambien.Como esta?DOC(Looks at PETE with confusion as he speaks.Then DOC gets disgusted)Shoot.You'd have to know Spanish wouldn't you.MAYSo you do speak English then.DOCUnfortunately.PETENow, would you mind telling us why you're in our cabin?DOCI might ask you the same question.MAYWe paid.I have the receipt.PETEI think you're the one who needs to explain yourself.

DOCWhy's that?PETE(Annoyed)What are you doing up here in the middle of winter?DOCWhat are you doing here?MAYWe're on our honeymoon.DOCNewlyweds.How sweet.MAYThank you.DOCThis is a beautiful place for a honeymoon isn't it?MAYYes, it is.PETE(Angry)Will you just answer my question?!DOCTesty aren't we?PETELook.We rented this cabin.You didn't.And most people don't just barge in whenever or wherever they please.DOCI came over here 'cause the owner of the cabins don't usually have people here in the winter.I thought maybe you was criminals or somethin'.MAYThat sounds reasonable to me.PETEHow do we know he isn't lying?

MAYHe looks trustworthy enough.PETELook at him.Look at the rags he's wearing.He doesn't look very trustworthy to me.DOCI'm not going to stand around here and be insulted.PETEGood.Let me get the door for you.MAYPete.That's not very nice.DOCThe damage has been done, my dear.There ain't nothing else to be done about it.(Turns his back but doesn't leave)MAY(Takes PETE aside)He seems like a nice man.His intensions were good.(DOC half listens)PETEBut what's he doing here?He doesn't look like he can afford one of these cabins.DOCDid you know your new husband was such a snob?First insulting my clothes, then questioning my financial situationMAYYes, Pete.I always knew you were a little stuck up but to go around insulting strangers.PETEStuck up?DOCYou should go around judging people by their appearances.I could be some rich computer guru who likes to get back to nature.PETESo are you rich?DOCDoes that matter?Do you only associate with the rich?MAYPete, youre being snobby again.PETELook, Im just trying to have a romantic honeymoon with my new bride.We just drove up in the mountains in the middle of winter and got stuck twice on the way hereDOCDid you know he was so whiney?PETEAhh!MAYLook, lets start over.Hello, Im May and this is my husband Pete.DOCNice to meet you both.My names Doc.PETE(Mumbles)Yes, nice to meet you.MAYThere.Thats better.PETEDoc huh?So youre a doctor or one of the seven dwarves?MAYPete.Please be nice.PETESorry.I was trying to be funny.But when Im tired and cranky it comes out mean.Sorry, sorry, sorry.DOCActually I am a doctor.MAYSee, Pete.He doesnt look like a doctor but he is one.PETEWow, Im proven wrong once again.I stand corrected.I wish I could sit corrected but there isnt much to sit on.DOCOh, I moved most the furniture over to my cabin.PETECould we maybe get some of it back?DOCSure, no problem(Pause and looks worried)MAYIs there something wrong?DOCI kind of lost the key to my cabin and Im locked out.MAYHow horrible.How long have you been locked out?DOCNot too long.I was pretty lucky you showed up.I didnt know what I was going to do.MAYIll bet youre cold.I wish we had something.DOCI think all these cabins have the same kitchen supplies.Ive used up all of them in a couple of these I mean, Ive stayed in the cabins many times and theyre all stocked the same.Ill go whip us up some cocoa.(Exits)MAYHes so nice.PETEI dont know, May.I have a bad feeling about this guy.His story doesnt add up.No keyMAYHe locked himself out.PETEUsing up all the supplies in a couple of cabinsMAYHe explained that.PETETheres no way that guy is a doctorMAYMother knew this would happen.PETEYour mother?What did she say would happen?MAYShe said the minute we got married youd get all weird.PETEShe what?Im not getting weird.MAYYoure acting so paranoid.Ive never seen you like this.PETEMay, please.Im tired and hungry and Im in the same mountains where the Donner Party spent the winter.Of course Im acting a little weird.MAYI feel terrible.I was hoping for a romantic get-away and now were fighting instead and Ive ruined everything.(Starts crying)PETEYou havent ruined everything.This is romantic.MAYBut you havent kissed me once since weve been herePETEIm sorry.(Hugs her)Its just hard with the seventh dwarf hanging around.MAYA hug is nice.PETEWhy dont we see if we can get rid of Dopey and well see if we cant find that romance we were hoping for.

MAYOkay, but please be nice about it.PETEI shall try to have proper English manners.DOC(Enters)Hot chocolate will be ready soon.PETEHot?I didnt see a stove.DOCThey have camp stoves in the cabinets.MAYThats good news.DOCI can whip us up some grub too.PETENo, thats okay.Why dont we see if we can help you get back into your cabin.Im sure youd like to get back to your solitude.DOCNo, Im happy visiting with you folks.It gets kind of lonely up here.(PETE gives MAY a look)MAYUh, Doc.Pete and I are kind of on our honeymoon see andDOCOh I see.(Kind of hurt)Well I understand.I better get going then.I think I can squeeze down the chimney of my cabin.I havent tried that yet.It looks like it might be big enough.Could you do me a favor though?If you hear screaming, could you come help me get unstuck.(MAY starts to object but PETE stops her)PETESure, no problem.

DOCWell, its been good meeting you folks.Have a good honeymoon.Ill try my best not to both you.Ill even leave the lights off so you can feel like youre all alone out here.Some people like to feel alone(Heads for door)PETEOkay, then.See you later.

MAY(Aside to PETE)Oh, come on, Pete.Look how lonely he is.(DOC slows his walk toward the door)PETEYoure going to bring home stray dogs arent you?MAYAt least let him stay for cocoa.PETEHey, Doc.At least have that cocoa before you go.DOC(Brightens)And cookies.There are some cookies in there too.Theyre great with cocoa.(Exits)PETEPromise me youll get him out of here after the cocoa.MAYI promise.(Hugs him)I want to be alone as bad as you do, you know.PETELet me go out and get our bags before it gets too late.MAYGood idea.Then well send Doc on his way and its just the two of us for the entire weekend.(Knock at the door)PETEOh, no.MAYWho can that be?PETEI thought this was supposed to be in the middle of nowhere.(Opens door and snow is falling.JOHN rushes in with MAGGIE who is very pregnant and in labor)What theJOHNThank goodness somebody is here.MAY(To MAGGIE)Are you okay?MAGGIEDo I look okay?(Labor pain)Ahhh!PETEYoure not I mean Whats wrong?MAGGIEWhat do you mean whats wrong?What does it look like?PETEWell I mean.You uhMAGGIEI what?Had a basketball shoved up my butt?Im having a baby you idiot!(Labor pain)Ahh!JOHNThe contractions are getting closer together.PETEYoure having a baby now?MAGGIENo, next Tuesday.Yes, Im having it now!MAYWhat can we do?JOHNUh boil some water.Isnt that what they always do in the movies?DOCWaters hot.Cocoa will be ready soon.MAGGIEAhhh!DOCWhats going on?PETEShes having a basketball.DOCWhat?MAYWere going to need that hot water.And clean towels.MAGGIEIsnt there anywhere to sit down?MAYTheres a bed in here.MAGGIEJohn.Bed.Now.PETEThat would have been sexy in another context.MAYIll take you.(Exits with MAGGIE)DOCIll get the water and towels.(Exits behind them)PETEI cant imagine better birth control on a honeymoon than a pregnant woman in labor.JOHNYoure on your honeymoon too?PETEYou guys just got married?Was this a shotgun wedding?JOHNNot exactly.We decided to get married when she started to show.I didnt know she was pregnant until then.And I did want to marry her so it was a good excuse.PETEHow did she hide it from you that long?JOHNWell, we met only about a month before that.And planning the wedding took about five months.You know how mothers are soPETEWait a minute.Im doing the math here.Shes about 9 months along and the wedding took five months to plan and you met a month before that Youre notJOHNNo, Im not the father.PETEDang really?So who is?JOHNI dont know.PETEYou dont?JOHNShe wont tell me.PETEAnd youre okay with this?JOHNI really love her.Once she told me she was pregnant she told me shed understand if I wanted to leave her.But I refused because Ive never met anyone like her before and Ive never been with anyone who has made me so happy.Then when she wouldnt tell me who the father was, she thought for sure I would leave her and thats when I proposed.

PETEAnd my wife thinks Im weird.JOHNI knew I shouldnt have planned the honeymoon for now.I thought it was early enough but I guess not.We should be at a hospital, not in the mountains.(DOC enters all nervous)PETELucky for you we have a doctor.JOHNThats great.DOCIve never delivered a baby before.PETEYou must have learned about it in school?DOCNot really.PETESo what kind of doctor are you?Veterinarian?Ph. D?Witch Doctor?DOCIm Doc the Tree Doctor.JOHNHey, Ive heard of you.You did those commercials.The ones where you skipping through the woods touching dead trees and they sprang to life.DOCIm retired now.PETEI dont suppose helping seeds germinate is anything like delivering babies.MAGGIE(Off)Ahh!MAY(Enters)Doc!I think shes ready.

JOHNReady?Now?(Runs off)MAGGIE(Off)Get away from me!(Pans are tossed and fly onstage with JOHN reentering)JOHNBut I didnt even get her pregnant.MAYShes not real fond of men in general right now.DOCThen I better not go in there.MAYBut we need a doctor.PETEIm afraid the only thing Doc is delivery is a sapling.MAGGIE(Off.Voice sweet now)Johnny.I need you.JOHNDare I go in again?PETEIt might be a ploy.(Picks up pan and puts in on JOHNs head like a helmet)You better wear protection.Wait.(Puts a smaller metal plate down the front of his pants)Now youre set.MAGGIE(Off. Mad)John!JOHNComing.(Exits)MAGGIE(Off. Angry)Wheres that doctor?!PETEYoure being paged, Doc.MAYIm sorry I told her about you.I thought you were a real doctor.DOCNow youre sounding like a snob.MAYGet in there or Ill stuff you up our chimney.DOCIm going.Im going.(Rushes off)PETEWow, May.Where did that come from?MAYAnd you shut up.(Exits)PETEOh, this has just been a great honeymoon.(Knock at door)Now what?(Goes to door)I need to sue this cabin owner for false advertising.Rustic and remote my foot.Ive seen fewer people at a Vanilla Ice concert.(Opens the door and FRANK, EUNICE and MYRTLE.They look like hippies)Can I help you?FRANKWe sensed a disturbance in the fabric of life.PETEOh, great.Star Wars fans.EUNICEA war in the stars?How horrible.I know the world outside was much worse than you thought.PETEWho are you people?MYRTLEWe are from the Guiding Star Commune.PETEOh, great.Hippies.FRANKHippies?EUNICEWe have rejected all things hip.MYRTLEWe are children of the stars.EUNICEAnd the stars brought us here tonight.PETELucky me.MAGGIE(Off)Ahhh!(Crash)I thought you said you were a doctor?!DOC(Rushes out.Looks ill)We have a problem.MAGGIE(Off)Wheres going?Ahh!FRANKIs she having a baby?PETEOr a basketball.I dont think we ever worked that out.DOCI cant do this.I gotta go.It was lovely meeting you.PETEWhats wrong?DOCI saw the head and I I dont feel so good(Rushes outside)EUNICELucky for you Myrtle here delivers babies all the time.MYRTLEFrank.You have the usual plants I need?(FRANK pulls some pouches out of his pockets and holds them up)If he saw the head this should be a piece of cake.Coming, dear.(MYRTLE and FRANK exit)EUNICEWe handle all our own medical needs on the commune.All of us were born there.PETENo hospitals?EUNICEOur elders studies all the ancient wisdom of the past and passed along that knowledge to their children.PETEWhered they learn it?The Amazon?Africa?EUNICEHarvard.(Baby crying is heard)PETEThat was quick.EUNICEMyrtle is the best.(Heads off)Let me see that new glowing spirit among us.

MAY(Comes out)Oh, Pete.Youve got to see this.Its so beautiful.(They walk to doorway to see and hold each other happily)PETEThis has got to be the weirdest honeymoon ever.END OF PLAY