2

What Authors Are Saying…

“Ed Cyzewski has done it again! (Whatever it is that he does).”

- Bradley Wright, Author of Upside and Christians Are Hate-Filled Hypocrites and Other Lies You’ve

Been Told

"I would loudly proclaim my endorsement of Ed Cyzewski's writing but I'm not sure how to pronounce

his last name."

- Jason Boyett, Creator of the 9 Thumbs podcast (9Thumbs.com) and author of some books

“The discovery of the Rosetta Stone, the Shroud of Turin, and the Dead Sea Scrolls pale in comparison

to the discovery of The Tweets of the Apostles. The general public owes Ed Cyzewski, if I managed to

spell his Amercanized Polish name correctly, a world of gratitude for his life-altering and retweet-giving

discovery. Bravo, Ed!”

- Derek Cooper, Author of So You’re Thinking about Going to Seminary

“Ed Cyzewski has boldly taken Twitter where it has never gone before: the world of the Bible. He ably

demonstrates why he’s the only person who ever thought of doing this.”

- Matthew Paul Turner, the 9 Thumbs podcast (9Thumbs.com) and author of Hear No Evil

“In a world where compromise is hard to find, Ed Cyzewski compromises the Bible perfectly to Twitter.

It’s a new Reformation!”

- Fake John Calvin, Guy Who Wrote Too Many Theology Books

3

The Tweets of the Apostles

The New Twitter Version (NTV) The Unauthorized Version

Ed Cyzewski

4

Visit Ed’s web site www.edcyz.com.

© Ed Cyzewski, April 1, 2012

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced in any form without written

permission from Ed Cyzewski, edcyzewski@gmail.com, which he will gladly give if you ask him nicely.

Cover Design by Ed Cyzewski, his team of rabbits, and a random KJV Bible cover found on the

interwebs.

The characters in this parody are fictional. Any resemblance to real people would be super-creepy since

it’s an approximate translation of an ancient text with maybe a few editorial insertions by later editors

that the present author can neither confirm nor deny.

NOTE: This April 1st project is not affiliated with Twitter in any way, as the “Unauthorized Version” on

the cover should make abundantly clear. The Tweets of the Apostles conforms to the legal principle

encapsulated in the phrase, “A moron in a hurry.” If you have confused this religious parody with the

views of an actual internet company called Twitter, then you either need to slow down a bit or I may

have some bad news for you…

See: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/A_moron_in_a_hurry

5

Introduction

What is this book?

Whether “Ed Cyzewski” is a household name that rolls off your tongue (Cy-zes-key) or you’re genuinely

fearful that I’m a crazy person bent on destroying the Bible, I understand that a project like this can be a

tad disconcerting. You may be wondering the following:

“Is this a real book?”

“Will the author actually try to rewrite the Bible as tweets?”

“Is the author serious?”

To answer your questions, in order:

Yes, this is a real book. You can even buy it for your E-reader at Amazon or Barnes and Noble.

If THAT doesn’t make me legit, really, what will?

Yes, I am actually rewriting the Book of Acts in tweets. I mean, why not?

Am I serious? That is a difficult question to answer.

In a word, yes, I am quite serious about creating the Bible in tweets. It took a lot of time to do it. If I

wasn’t serious, I would have just watched hockey games all night or mocked the people who tweet

about reality television—you know you’re out there. Am I serious? I love the Twitter. I love the Bible.

Neither loves me back, so the best I can do is introduce them to each other and see what happens.

Still, I need to be up front for the one and only time in this book until you hit the “About the Author”

page. This is not a serious book. It’s a parody, a prank, a book that is being released on April 1st.

APRIL 1ST!!!

I’m laying it out there for you. If you don’t know what APRIL 1st means, then the best I can tell you is

that what follows is a silly, insane, made up book that in no way represents what I or any of my real

publishers actually believe. The endorsements at the front of this book are part of the prank.

Even the part about my rabbits helping design the cover was a prank.

I know you’re probably shocked about that one.

6

Projects like this are irresistible to someone like me because I care very deeply about following Jesus

and thinking about the ways technology and culture impact that calling. I wrote a book in 2008 called

Coffeehouse Theology: Reflecting on God in Everyday Life. In that book I explained how we can sort

out what we do and believe as followers of Jesus in the midst of today’s culture without becoming

slaves to it. A silly project like this is a fun way to take a glimpse at some of those issues in a new way.

Will this book make you a better follower of Jesus? I don’t know. Maybe. If anything, I think I make it

abundantly clear which Twitter practices annoy me the most, such as auto-DM’s, spam replies, and

ridiculously long hashtags. So if you read this book and decide to abstain from such Twitter

abominations, I’ll call this project a success.

If you do read this and decide that the rest of the world needs to know about it—of course it does—

please consider linking up to my blog www.inamirrordimly.com and using the Twitter hashtag: #NTV12

and let me know at @edcyzewski.

Lastly, if you’re reading this in a public café, I apologize for the obnoxious laughter this book is about to

cause.

Thanks for reading. The serious, straightforward stuff stops here.

7

Translation Principles for the NTV

The development of Twitter has been monumental in advancing our understanding of how to read and

interpret the Bible. Twitter is a way of painstakingly chronicling the minutiae of life that no one would

ever bother to carve into a stone pillar or scrawl on an expensive roll of papyrus. We simply never

thought of such an approach to life until Twitter came along, and the application of Twitter to biblical

studies is fertile ground for broader, surface level exploration.

Our insight into the apostles and their daily lives has been revolutionized by rethinking how they

handled the daily cares of life and how they would have presented the Gospel in a series of tweets.

Some of the stories that take up pages in our Bibles can be summed up in the beautiful brevity of a few

tweets. Seemingly insignificant exchanges now take on renewed importance.

Twitter demands a complete rethinking of how we interpret and translate the Bible. The New Twitter

Version fills our culture’s need to cut out the long, repetitious narratives in the book of Acts so that we

can zero in on the most important ideas of the apostles as well as what they ate for lunch.

My life’s work has been to help the church understand the relationship between theology and culture

and how they impact our day to day lives. I can think of nothing more relevant to the life of the church

today than sharing these Tweets of the Apostles as they started the early church. We can read their

earliest messages to one another as we literally go out into our daily mission fields—on the internet that

is. What I have begun in my book Coffeehouse Theology and the abbreviated Lost Tweets of Jesus, I

hope to bring full circle in this current translation that firmly limits Christianity within the confines of

today’s communication technology.

I have done my best to assemble my translation in the most faithful order possible, allowing a few stray

anachronisms to stand. When there is a possibility that a later editor may have added some details

without the customary “//” after the original message, I will include endnotes that discuss these tweetual

controversies whenever worthwhile and in as few characters as possible.

As you read this translation of The Tweets of the Apostles, keep in mind that you are not reading one

person’s Twitter stream. Rather, it will appear as if you are following a wide variety of characters—

some of whom would follow you back if they were still alive.

8

The Tweets of the Apostles

DocLuke

@TheopholisXP Thanks to your generous patronage, I can afford to publish a 2nd book about the early

church. I’ll send the bill tomorrow!

TheopholisXP

@DocLuke Wait… What? I thought you were just going to make that one a blog or an E-book.

DocLuke

@TheopholisXP I just met this guy named Paul. Dude’s got crazy stories. Storms. Shipwrecks.

Poisonous Snakes.

TheopholisXP

@DocLuke Poisonous snakes? May as well. My favorite gladiator got the thumbs down last week

anyway.

***

RockSimon

@NazarethJesus Can we cash in on those thrones at your right hand? James and John are talking

about calling fire if they have to wait.

NazarethJesus

My disciples should wait for the Holy Spirit and his gift of 5G coverage.

NazarethJesus

When the Spirit comes, you’ll retweet the Good News wherever there’s free wifi or 5G coverage in

Judea, Samaria, and to the ends of the internet.

ZebeJohn

Dang it! Where’d he go now? Don’t make me call down fire from heaven!

NazarethJesus

@foursquare NazarethJesus has just checked in at the motherland. NazarethJesus is the mayor of

heaven.

HeavenlyAngel

I wish Four Square would make a trinity app.

9

RockSimon

@HeavenlyAngel What are you doing here?

HeavenlyAngel

@RockSimon Me? What you doing here? Get back to Jerusalem so the Holy Spirit can empower you to

retweet with authority.

ZebeJames

Hey, we can go back to the upper room and test out my new lot casting set!

RockSimon

We should replace @IamIscariot. “The Eleven Apostles” is hurting our branding.

ZebeJohn

Will anyone even notice if we don’t have twelve apostles?

Thomas

@ZebeJohn I doubt it.

RockSimon

@ZebeJohn Hey, @NazarethJesus picked 12. 12 it is. @ZebeJames Grab your lot set.

ZebeJames

Looks like @Matthias and @Barsabbas were with us from the start, so we’ll see who gets picked.

Matthias

So much #WIN!

Barsabbas

Lot casting #FAIL. @ZebeJames How about a best of seven series?

ZebeJohn

Seriously @Barsabbas, no one’s going to even notice or remember what’s his face who was just

picked.

RockSimon

@ZebeJohn The name recognition thing is a problem. How will people keep track of all 12?

ZebeJames

@RockSimon How about we make up a song using all of our names in the chorus?

ZebeJohn

@ZebeJames That’s so lame even God can’t heal it.

10

RockSimon

Woah! The room is shaking. What’s above everyone’s heads?

IamTheotokos

@RockSimon It must be the gift of the Holy Spirit @HeavenlyAngel promised us.

ZebeJames

I think it’s a flaming 5G over everyone’s head! And look, my internet connection is blazing fast!

RockSimon

I can tweet the Gospel faster than ever. I think it’s even auto-translating it.

IamTheotokos

@RockSimon It is. I just sent a DM in Hebrew to a Jew in Babylon who speaks Aramaic, and she

replied right away.

ZebeJohn

With 5G coverage and Twitter, we can share the Gospel to the ends of the earth!

RockSimon

@ZebeJohn Let’s start by sharing the good news with all of the Jews who are visiting from out of town.

RockSimon

Here’s a video of my sermon about #FF @NazarethJesus as Messiah: youtube.ly/4te9y

ZebeJohn

RT @RockSimon Here’s a video of my sermon about #FF @NazarethJesus as Messiah:

youtube.ly/4te9y // I love this!

ZebeJames

The followers for @NazarethJesus are shooting through the roof! The 5G coverage is really helping.

RealJudas

There sure are a lot of needs. I’ve got an old flip phone I can sell and then give the money to the poor.

DM me!

ZebeJohn

@ZebeJames and I have a fishing boat and some nets we’re looking to sell. Plz RT!

RockSimon

We’re breaking bread tonight at @JohnMark’s place after our meeting in the temple courts.

ZebeJohn

@RockSimon Wanna hit the temple early tomorrow?

11

RockSimon

@ZebeJohn Imma there. But ugh, I hate the lines!

***

BeautifulBeggar

@ZebeJohn @RockSimon Text donation to 59443. Plz RT!

RockSimon

@BeautifulBeggar I don’t have PayPal or cash, but I can give you the gift of God. Walk!

BeautifulBeggar

@RockSimon I can walk! Jesus made me walk!!! #SoMuchWin

ZebeJohn

RT @BeautifulBeggar @RockSimon I can walk! Jesus made me walk!!! #SoMuchWin

CaiHighPriest

We’d better flog @RockSimon and @ZebeJohn to make them stop talking about Jesus.

RealGamaliel

@CaiHighPriest But we can’t stop their 5G coverage. If they healed @BeautifulBeggar by God’s power,

we can’t stop them.

CaiHighPriest

@RealGamaliel How about we flog them and take their phones?

RealGamaliel

@CaiHighPriest Mmm, better stick to flogging. I think you may be coveting their phones.1

***

Barnabas

Oh shoot, I just dropped the money from the sale of my field at the apostles’ feet!!!

DocLuke

#FF @Barnabas. He’s so humble. He just laid his money at the apostles’ feet!

Saphira

1 Commentators may hotly debate my combining of persecution of the apostles in Acts 4 and Acts 5, but really,

the same basic thing happens in both situations.

12

@Ananias Barnabas got all kinds of followers after donating his land. We should sell our land too.

Ananias

@Saphira Yeah, but I want the new iPad.2 How ‘bout we keep half of it. We don’t have to tell.

Saphira

@Annanias OK, OK. You’re such a slave to Apple.

RockSimon

@Ananias and @Saphira Did you think your tweets would escape the Holy Spirit’s 5G?

ZebeJames

Woah, the church is really growing. What just happened?

ZebeJohn

@ZebeJames You did give @RockSimon the full income from our fishing boat sale, right?

ZebeJames

@ZebeJohn Yeah. Why?

ZebeJohn

@ZebeJames Nothing. I’m no good at math. I’m better at writing stories that scare fundamentalists.

***

HolyBroJames

We’ve gotta step up the food distribution to the Greek widows. Any ideas?

Thomas

Everything we try is going to #fail. We’re just preachers.

Nathanial

@HolyBroJames I think @Thomas has a point. We need people who are better at serving meals.

RealJudas

@Nathaniel @HolyBroJames We all know that the last meal we prepared didn’t go so well…

ZebeJohn

2 It’s possible that a later editor inserted the note about the iPad. Perhaps Ananias wanted a new wine press or

donkey. However, it’s far less likely that an editor would have added “iPad” to the text. It is far more likely for

an editor to try to make the text read smoother by adding “donkey” in place or “iPad.” The inclusion of the

“iPad” anachronism is most likely because is both a believable reason to sin and a far less likely addition to the

text.

13

@Nathaniel @RealJudas At least you didn’t have @RockSimon breathing down your neck, “Ask Jesus

this!” Ask Jesus that!”

HolyBroJames

Looks like we’d better find some deacons or those widows will never eat with all of this “preaching”

going on…

Stephen

@HolyBroJames Pick me! Pick me! I like serving food, and I’m good at debating.

HolyBroJames

@Stephen Have at it kid.

ZebeJohn

@HolyBroJames I think @Stephen is in trouble. He’s trying to debate with a rough crowd.

SuperSaul

Check your coats here!

RockSimon

Ugh! I can’t stand @SuperSaul. He’s always spamming us with links to his Pharisee theology blog.

ZebeJohn

@RockSimon That and he’s sort of killing some of us.

***

SuperSaul

@CaiHighPriest I need letters that authorize me to arrest the Nazarenes in Damascus.

CaiHighPriest

#FF @SuperSaul because he has zeal for his people.

NazarethJesus

@SuperSaul Why are you spamming me? Wait for @RealAnanias to restore your sight3 and to give

you a 5G connection.

NazarethJesus

@RealAnanias Give 5G coverage and sight to @SuperSaul. Oh, and give him a new Twitter handle.

3 Some texts read “site” which would apply to Saul’s theology blog that had been supposedly taken offline until

after his conversion. The implication would be that his Super Saul Theology blog was renamed the Mission Paul

Blog after his conversion. I have chosen to stick with the accepted “sight” translation even if the blog conversion

line of thinking is tempting.

14

RealAnanias

@MissionPaul Receive your sight, 5G coverage, and new Twitter handle.

MissionPaul

Anybody got a basket big enough for me and my phone?

Barnabbas

Hey, @SuperSaul is now @MissionPaul! Plz RT!

RockSimon

@Barnabbas It’s probably a trap. Watch out for @MissionPaul.

Barnabbas

@RockSimon No, he’s cool. They tried to kill him in Damascus, so he’s back in Tarsus.

MediterraneanTravel

@Barnabbas @RockSimon Book a 4 night stay in a Roman villa in Tarsus for only 30 Denarii!

***

Cornelius100

Just had fish and bread for lunch. Off to pray…

HeavenlyAngel

@Cornelius100 Send a tweet to @RockSimon and ask him to visit you.

RockSimon

Nothing better than praying on the roof and eating a few dates in the afternoon.

PrayerMatMaster

@RockSimon Tired of sore knees when praying on the roof? Check out our discounted padded prayer

mats!

RockSimon

Twitter is getting a little spammy lately.

HeavenlyAngel

@RockSimon Praying on a roof? Hunger got you down? How about snacking on some lizards, birds,

and pigs?4

RockSimon

4 Twitter strictly prohibits repeating your tweets, so omitting the repetitions of this event would be closest in line

to what our culture would consider normative when tweeting a story.

15

@HeavenlyAngel Why are you always messing with me? I can’t tweet about eating that!

HeavenlyAngel

@RockSimon God has DM’d you that all things are clean and you need to visit @Cornelius100

RockSimon

@HeavenlyAngel ???

Cornelius100

RT @HeavenlyAngel @Cornelius100 Send a tweet to @RockSimon and ask him to visit you.

RockSimon

@HeavenlyAngel @Cornelius100 OK, I’m coming. But let me send you a picture of the flat bread I’m

having for lunch first.

RockSimon

@Cornelius100 We apostles are witnesses to God’s power at work in Jesus. In him there is forgiveness

of sins.

Cornelius100

@RockSimon Sounds good! Sign us up. How about circumcision?

RockSimon

@Cornelius100 Let me get back to you on that one…

HolyBroJames

@RockSimon What were you doing in a Gentile’s house?

RockSimon

@HolyBroJames I can explain. Actually, @HeavenlyAngel can explain.

HolyBroJames

@RockSimon Oh, OK. That changes things a bit. Can’t argue with @HeavenlyAngel…

Barnabas

@MissionPaul Meet me in Antioch. We need preachers. I’ve got the XL basket with me. Ha!

MissionPaul

@Barnabas I’m on my way. Don’t lose that basket! Immagonna need it!

***

ZebeJohn

16

Bad week. @ZebeJames killed by @HerodAgriippa. @RockSimon in prison. Prayer meeting at

@JohnMark’s tonight.

Thomas

I’ve got a bad feeling about @RockSimon…

HeavenlyAngel

@RockSimon Get up, grab your phone, and follow me. Gosh, you’re so sllllow!

RockSimon

@HeavenlyAngel Am I dead already? I knew there’d be Twitter in heaven, but where are the iPhone5’s

and new iPads?

HeavenlyAngel

@RockSimon You’re at @JohnMark’s. Knock on the door.

RockSimon

I just hope @Thomas isn’t sitting by the door. That guy will never let me in.

Rhoda

That can’t be @RockSimon at the door. He’s in prison… right? Plz RT

JohnMark

@Rhoda This is no time for pulling pranks. What do you think this is, Purim?

Rhoda

Pretty sure I saw @RockSimon at the door.

ZebeJohn

I’d know that fist anywhere! That’s @RockSimon!

RockSimon

@ZebeJohn @JohnMark @Rhoda I’m safe. Now, I’m out of here. Kthxbi.

MasterBlastus

@HerodAgrippa The people of Tyre and Sidon think you’re a god! Awesome! Plz RT!

HerodAgrippa

RT @MasterBlastus @HerodAgrippa The people of Tyre and Sidon think you’re a god! Awesome!

HerodAgrippa

Worms!!! AAAAAGGGGHHHH!!!

***

17

HolySpirit

@Barnabas @MissionPaul I have special work for you. Get packing.

Barnabas

@MissionPaul Mind if I bring @JohnMark along?

MissionPaul

Sure. How’s he feel about shipwrecks and mobs?

Barnabas

First time for everything I suppose.

SergiusPaulus

@MissionPaul We need to talk.

Elymas

@SergiusPaulus No, you don’t need to talk to @MissionPaul. He’s a false prophet. I’m casting spells

on him right now.

MissionPaul

@Elymas May your 4G coverage cease and your eyes blinded for a time.

Elymas

I cwmmir drr@

SergiusPaulus

@MissionPaul I believe! Your God is the true god! @Elymas was a controlling nut anyway.

MissionPaul

@SergiusPaulus Thanks for the follow! We’re off to Antioch of Psidia next.

JohnMark

Officially creeped by the sorcerers and blindness. I’m outta here.

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Now who’s gonna carry all of my luggage??? Not taking THAT guy with us anymore.

Barnabas

@MissionPaul He’s a good kid. Just a little high strung. He’ll prove useful to you some day.

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Whatev’s. Do you always have to be so encouraging???

Barnabas

18

@MissionPaul You’ll see. What are you preaching at the synagogue today?

MissionPaul

@Barnabas That Jesus is the promised Messiah who can forgive sins and make us right with God.

Usual stuff.

PsidianRabbi

@MissionPaul is just a fraud preacher trying to make a name for himself by deceiving the crowds!

#unfollow

MissionPaul

@PsidianRabbi If you won’t #follow @NazarethJesus, the Gentiles will.

Barnabas

@MissionPaul I’m so glad you didn’t strike @PsidianRabbi blind.

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Maybe I should have. Watch out for that mob!

Barnabas

@PsidianRabbi We’re shaking the dust off our feet. You are doomed!

PsidianRabbi

@Barnabas We’ll see about that…

Barnabas

@MissionPaul How about Iconium?

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Nope. Mobs there.

Barnabas

@MissionPaul How about Lystra?

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Looks good. I can heal this crippled guy for starters.

PriestofZeus

Woah! @Zeus and @Hermes have come to our town and healed a cripple! Bring forth the sacrificial

bulls!

19

Hermes5

@Zeus I didn’t send these guys. Did you?

Zeus

@Hermes By my thunderbolts, I don’t know @MissionPaul and @Barnabas.

MissionPaul

@PriestofZeus You’ve got it all wrong. We’re men who want to tell you about the true God.

PriestofZeus

@MissionPaul Zeus is a false god?

MissionPaul

@PriestofZeus Yes.

PsidianRabbi

@PriestofZeus Mind if we drag @MissionPaul out of the city and stone him?

PriestofZeus

@PsidianRabbi Go for it. Matter of fact. We’ll help.

Barnabas

@PriestofZeus Wait, I thought you were about to sacrifice a bull for us? Now you’re stoning

@MissionPaul?

MissionPaul

I’ll be feeling that for a few days. Phew! @Barnabas Let’s get out of this lousy town.

Barnabas

@MissionPaul You’re alive! #Win

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Yeah. And look at the rock I just pulled out of my ear!

Barnabas

@MissionPaul Maybe we should appoint some elders before skipping town…

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Fine. When we get to the coast, just make sure the ship’s captain takes us to the right

Antioch.

5 The biblical text has nothing about this conversation among the Greek gods, but it only seems fair to provide a

place for them to share their perspective since Paul and Barnabas clearly didn’t speak for them.

20

***

Barnabas

@MissionPaul Did you hear about the Judeans trying to make circumcision part of Christianity for

Gentiles?

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Yep. We’re going to Jerusalem to sort it out. I wish the Judaizers would just emasculate

themselves.

DeaconPhilip

Preach it! RT @MissionPaul … I wish the Judaizers would just emasculate themselves.

Barnabas

@MissionPaul How about we just suggest they could be wrong???

HolyBroJames

@MissionPaul @Barnabas How did the mission in Asia Minor go? Were the Gentiles receptive to the

Gospel?

MissionPaul

@HolyBroJames God showed up for the Gentiles just like he did with the Jews

RockSimon

@MissionPaul @HolyBroJames That’s what happened to me too.

HolyBroJames

@RockSimon @MissionPaul That all lines up with the scriptures. Looks like we don’t need to worry

about circumcision for Gentiles.

HolyBroJames

I think Gentiles should avoid food for idols, meat with blood, strangled meat, and sexual immorality.

MissionPaul

@HolyBroJames Fair enough. I’ll RT that.

HolyBroJames

@MissionPaul Thanks. I’ll also send @Silas to help RT the news.

MissionPaul

RT @HolyBroJames Gentiles should avoid food for idols, meat with blood, strangled meat, and sexual

immorality.

Silas

21

RT @HolyBroJames Gentiles should avoid food for idols, meat with blood, strangled meat, and sexual

immorality.

Philip

Love this RT @HolyBroJames Gentiles should avoid food for idols, meat with blood, strangled meat,

and sexual immorality.

MissionPaul

@Silas How do you feel about ocean travel and staring down mobs?

Silas

@MissionPaul Anything’s better than chasing sheep around in Judea. When do we leave?

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Let’s take @Silas along for our next mission trip.

Barnabas

@MissionPaul What happened to @JohnMark? I think he’s ready for another shot.

MissionPaul

@Barnabas What happened to @JohnMark? He ran away! @Silas is ready to go. Are YOU?

Barnabas

@MissionPaul Not without @JohnMark.

MissionPaul

@Barnabas Fine. I’m taking @Silas and you can travel alone when @JohnMark bails on you.

Silas

Careful Paul. Something tells me we may be doing some bailing pretty soon if we aren’t careful.

MissionPaul

@Silas Let’s go to Lystra first. They loved me there. They’ll be shocked to see I returned!

***

MissionPaul

Lystra rocks! Hey @Timothy, want to go on a missionary journey with us?

Timothy

@MissionPaul How do I sign up?

MissionPaul

@Timothy We’ll start with a sharp knife and you can open up your robe. #circumcision

22

Timothy

@MissionPaul You’ve got to be joking. @Silas What about that letter from @HolyBroJames???

MissionPaul

@Timothy If you want to minister to the Jews, you’ve got to become one. This table should be the right

height.

Timothy

@MissionPaul You want me to lay it on the table right now? How will I travel?

MissionPaul

@Timothy I don’t even remember any pain when I got snipped. We’ll wait a few days for you.

Timothy

@MissionPaul My mom has been on my case to get this done for a long time… Alright.

Timothy

Holy Moses that hurt!

MissionPaul

#FF @Timothy because he’s a brave missionary even if he whined when I circumcised him.

Silas

@MissionPaul Since the @HolySpirit is keeping us from preaching in Asia, how about Bythinia?

BythiniaTourism

@MissionPaul @Silas Live on the edge of the Roman Empire in Bythinia! Bythinia: You’re Always Far

from Rome!

MissionPaul

@Silas I’ve always wanted to visit Bythinia… not. But yeah, let’s look into it.

HolySpirit

@Silas @MissionPaul I’m blocking the path to Bythinia and BythiniaTourism

Silas

@MissionPaul @HolySpirit Now what?

MissionPaul

@Silas Looks like Troas is our only choice now.

DocLuke

@MissionPaul @Silas Need a Christian doctor in Troas?

23

MissionPaul

@DocLuke Not yet, but I do tend to attract mob violence. Care for a little travel?

DocLuke

@MissionPaul Sign me up.

HolySpirit

@MissionPaul Check out this video of a man in Macedonia who needs help: youtube.ly/4f5h.

MissionPaul

@HolySpirit @DocLuke @Timothy @Silas We need to leave for Macedonia ASAP.

DocLuke

@MissionPaul Ugh, I hate traveling by boat.

Timothy

@DocLuke These sailors are pretty shady characters.

Silas

@Timothy @DocLuke Yeah, but at least you don’t hear about doctors taking all of the money from poor

women…

DocLuke

@Silas That’s like ONE doctor. I’m definitely leaving that story out of the Gospel I’m working on.

MissionPaul

We could hit Samothrace or Neapolis, but I think Philippi will be the best place to stop.

Silas

@MissionPaul I wonder if there will be a synagogue there…

Timothy

@Silas Nope. That figures. Maybe down by the river outside of town?

MissionPaul

@Timothy Thank you captain obvious. I mean, where else would we go?

ClothbyLydia

@MissionPaul Welcome to our prayer meeting.

MissionPaul

@ClothbyLydia We’re here to tell you about the forgiveness of sins through Jesus the Messiah.

ClothbyLydia

24

@MissionPaul I’m open to that. And please, will you and your friends stay with us.

Timothy

@ClothbyLydia Thank you. Thank you. Thank you. I hate camping.

Silas

@Timothy Such a city boy…

SlaveDiana

@MissionPaul and his friends are telling you how to be saved! Plz RT!

SlaveDiana

@MissionPaul and his friends are telling you how to be saved! Plz RT!

MissionPaul

@Silas @Timothy @DocLuke These tweets by @SlaveDiana are getting old…

SlaveDiana

@MissionPaul and his friends are telling you how to be saved! Plz RT!

SlaveDiana

@MissionPaul and his friends are telling you how to be saved! Plz RT!

MissionPaul

@SlaveDiana Enough! @Beelzebub,6 in the name of Jesus, come out of @SlaveDiana

SlaveFortunesLLC

@Magistrate Arrest @MissionPaul and @Silas!! They’re causing a riot and breaking the law!

Magistrate

@SlaveFortunesLLC Riots are bad. Arrest and flog @MissionPaul and @Silas.

PhillipiWarden

@Magistrate I’ll lock them in the bottom of the dungeon too. That’s how I roll…

MissionPaul

@Silas Ouch. That’s one rough warden. Aren’t you glad we have @DocLuke with us?

Silas

@MissionPaul I know I’m not much of a singer, but are we making the walls shake?

6 We can’t be sure which demon was in the slave girl in this story, but then again, we only know of two Twitter

handles for demons, @Beelzebub and @Legion6000. For the sake of adapting this story to Twitter, it is necessary

to take some textual liberties that reflect the best of our knowledge about the New Testament. And besides,

should we really care whether or not we’re getting the Twitter handle of an expelled demon right?

25

MissionPaul

@Silas It’s an earthquake from God! Our chains just fell off! Awesomesauce!7

PhilippiWarden

Better kill myself now with honor before the Magistrates do it…

MissionPaul

@PhilippiWarden Don’t kill yourself! We’re all here!

PhilippiWarden

@MissionPaul You’d do that for me? What must I do to be saved?

MissionPaul

@PhilippiWarden Believe Jesus is Lord and you and your household will be saved.

PhilippiWarden

@MissionPaul @Silas Please come to my home for a meal and some medicine.

Silas

Woah! @PhilippiWarden just sliced an orange with his sword. Awesome!

Magistrate

@PhilippiWarden Quite an earthquake last night! Let @MissionPaul and @Silas go.

PhilippiWarden

@MissionPaul @Silas You are free to go in peace!

MissionPaul

@PhilippiWarden Tell @Magistrate to release us himself. We’re Roman citizens. #Fail

PhilippiWarden

@Magistrate You beat and imprisoned Roman citizens! #Fail

Magistrate

@MissionPaul @Silas OK, OK, you win. We were wrong. You did nothing wrong.

MissionPaul

@Silas That should help @ClothbyLydia stay safe…

7 It’s doubtful that Paul would have uttered something like “awesomesauce,” a phrase from the TV show Parks

and Recreation. However, it’s highly likely that he would have uttered something roughly equivalent from his

time period. Perhaps “awesome-oil” would be closer to what he said.

26

Magistrate

@MissionPaul @Silas Please leave our city immediately. I hear Berea is nice this time of year…

RealBereanUniversity

@MissionPaul @Silas Study at Berean U, the home of noble learning and the championship basket

weaving team!

***

MissionPaul

I think we should preach in the synagogue in Thessalonica.

ThessalonicaRabbi

I’d rather you didn’t. Anybody else sick of @MissionPaul dividing our people?

Silas

@MissionPaul I feel a riot coming on. We’d better hide.

ThessalonicaRabbi

Let’s get a mob together and arrest @MissionPaul. He’s with @JasonFearsGod

ThessalonicaRabbi

If we can’t find @MissionPaul, let’s detain @JasonFearsGod for harboring a dangerous man.

DocLuke

@MissionPaul You weren’t kidding about the riots! Let’s get out of here!

Timothy

@MissionPaul @DocLuke Berea sounded awfully good to me.

Silas

@Timothy It would… It would…

***

BereanRabbi

@MissionPaul Your message is worth investigating. We need time to study it further.

DocLuke

@BereanRabbi So you’re not planning on stirring up a mob?

BereanRabbi

@DocLuke Why would I do that? That’s such a Roman thing to do…

ThessalonicaRabbi

27

Theology #Fail by @BereanRabbi. Who wants to start another mob???

Timothy

@MissionPaul You’d better get out of here.

Silas

@MissionPaul I think @Timothy is right for once. We’ll meet you in Athens.

MissionPaul

@Silas @Timothy OK, OK, but I hate all of the idols in Athens.

***

TempleAthena

@MissionPaul Looking to start a war? Sacrifice now to get the Grey Eyed Goddess on your side first!

TempleJupiter

@MissionPaul Our sacrifices are divine and our power is out of this world!

MissionPaul

This is the last town I’d want to visit. Ugh. At least they roast a decent lamb.

TempleUnknowngod

@MissionPaul Worried you missed a god in your worship? We’ve got you covered!

MissionPaul

I could use this unknown god shrine to my advantage…

EpicEpicurean

Hey @MissionPaul what’s this crazy new god you’re talking about?

SolidStoic

@MissionPaul @EpicEpicurean We should sit around and talk at Mars Hill.

DocLuke

I hear the Greeks in Athens sit around and talk philosophy all day.

EpicEpicurean

@MissionPaul Mars Hill is where we sit around and talk about philosophy… all of the time.

RealMarsHill

We’ve copyrighted “Mars Hill”. Cease and desist the use of our brand name.

Solid Stoic

28

@MissionPaul Is @RealMarsHill with you?

MissionPaul

@SolidStoic No, but @RealMarsHill gets a little too excited about reading my letters. It’s a little creepy.

EpicEpicurean

@MissionPaul Well, it’s not like Greece will ever go bankrupt, so let’s ignore them and talk philosophy.

Solid Stoic

@MissionPaul We just lounge around ALL DAY and talk about the latest ideas. What are yours?

MissionPaul

You Athenians are good at worshipping, but you’re worshipping the wrong gods… (1 of 2)

MissionPaul

The real God created this world and proved he will judge all by raising a man from the dead. (2 of 2)

EpicEpicurean

@MissionPaul Raise a man from the dead? This is madness!

MissionPaul

@EpicEpicurean This… is… Athens.

SolidStoic

@MissionPaul Maybe the weak-minded believe in resurrection, but I could never accept it.

MissionPaul

Welcome @Dionysius and @Damaris to God’s people.

Timothy

RT @MissionPaul Welcome @Dionysius and @Damaris to God’s people. //He’s a preachin’ machine!

MissionPaul

That went well. Maybe I should check out Corinth. I have no idea what goes on there…

MissionPaul

They say what happens in Corinth, stays in Corinth.

MissionPaul

@foursquare @MissionPaul checked in at the port of Corinth.

***

Priscilla

29

@Aquilla Ugh. I hate all of the sex cults at Corinth. Everyone’s Pinterest board has an idol with a huge

phallus.8

Aquila

@Priscilla At least we don’t have to put up with all of the traffic around the Coliseum.

Priscilla

@Aquilla Gladiator games were better than these temple prostitutes slinking around everywhere.

Aquila

@Priscilla Well, at least lots of people are pitching tents here.

Priscilla

@Aquila Watch the innuendo in Corinth… #IYKWIM

Aquila

@Priscilla What? Oh… But we’re tentmakers! All of these merchants and soldiers need tents!

MissionPaul

Tentmakers? Me too! #FF @Aquila @Priscilla

Priscilla

@MissionPaul You should work with us. How is Corinth treating you?

MissionPaul

@Priscilla Preaching in the synagogue is tough. No one is listening.

Crispus

@MissionPaul I am!

HolySpirit

@MissionPaul Stay in Corinth. I have many people in this city.

Sosthenes

@Gallio, arrest @MissionPaul for teaching about illegal gods! Plz RT!

Gallio

Blocking @Sosthenes as a spammer. Get him out of here!

Sosthenes

@Gallio No! Everyone is unfollowing me and beating me up!

8 The Greek manuscripts of Acts omit this conversation, but we can easily presume that something like this took

place based on archeological findings and what we know of Twitter.

30

MissionPaul

@Aquila @Priscilla Looks like we’re set to preach here for a while.

***

MissionPaul

@Aquila @Priscilla I need to report back to my home base in Antioch and visit the other churches.

Priscilla

@MissionPaul We can come with you. Our business is portable.

Aquila

@MissionPaul @Priscilla Yeah, and I’m sick of the sex shrines EVERYWHERE in Corinth.

MissionPaul

I’m determined to return as fast as I can. I may even take a vow and get a haircut in Cenchreae.

Aquila

Woah! Look at the knives used by this barber in Cenchreae!!!.

Priscilla

@Aquila Ephesus is a pretty nice city. I could see us settling here.

Aquila

@Priscilla We should. They have a nice public bathroom here. Safe travels @MissionPaul!

Priscilla

@MissionPaul I hope they let you on a ship. With that haircut you look like a hedgehog.

Apollos

@Aquila @Priscilla Interested in receiving John’s baptism of repentance?

Priscilla

@Apollos We should talk.

***

MissionPaul

It’s good to see how much the churches in Galatia are growing. I wonder what’s happening at

Ephesus?

All4Baptizr

@MissionPaul Have you heard about John’s Baptism for the forgiveness of sins?

31

MissionPaul

@All4Baptizr The good news is that John’s message has been fulfilled in Jesus. (1 of 2)

MissionPaul

@All4Baptizr The bad news is that you need a new Twitter handle. (2 of 2)

MissionPaul

Synagogue preaching #fail. I’m moving to the lecture hall of @Tyrannus.

EphesusEvents

@MissionPaul Looking for a space to host your next lecture? We’re close to the port and library!

MissionPaul

Woah, people are getting healed by the handkerchiefs I’ve touched. What happens with aprons?

MissionPaul

Aprons… are… awesome…

Priscilla

RT @MissionPaul Aprons… are… awesome… // Wearing mine now. Never burn a loaf of bread!

SonofSceva1

@Legion6000 In the name of Jesus that Paul preaches, leave this man!

Legion6000

@SonofSceva1 That’s bad grammar and you’re a nobody. Immagonna beat you now…

SonofSceva7

Run for your lives!!!

EphesusRabbi

Did you hear about @SonofSceva1? We’d better start burning our magic books! #50000drachmas

Timothy

All of the Jews and Greeks are burning their magic books. #50000drachmas

MissionPaul

RT @Timothy All of the Jews and Greeks are burning their magic books. #50000drachmas

Demetrius

@MissionPaul is robbing Artemis of her glory by saying she’s not a god!

MissionPaul

32

@Demetrius is worried he’ll be out of a job. Ever thought about tent-making?

Demetrius

Great is Artemis of the Ephesians! Arrest @MissionPaul and his friends!

TradeGuildMaster

RT @Demetrius Great is Artemis of the Ephesians! Arrest @MissionPaul and his friends!

Demetrius

Seize @Gaius and @Aristarchus! They’re traveling with @MissionPaul

TradeGuildMaster

#OccupyTheater Let’s save Artemis of the Ephesians!

Demetrius

RT @TradeGuildMaster #OccupyTheater Let’s save Artemis of the Ephesians! //The mob is growing!

Stephanus

Why are we at #OccupyTheater?

Alexander

@Stephanus @Demetrius I can explain. #OccupyTheater

Demetrius

@Alexander You’re a Jew! You’re conspiring against Artemis of the Ephesians! #OccupyTheater

TradeGuildMaster

Great is Artemis of the Ephesians! #OccupyTheater

Demetrius

RT @TradeGuildMaster Great is Artemis of the Ephesians! #OccupyTheater

Stephanus

RT @Demetrius @TradeGuildMaster Great is Artemis of the Ephesians! #OccupyTheater //So are

oranges!!!

TownClerk

@Demetrius @TradeGuildMaster Despite having a lame title, I have the authority to shut down

#OccupyTheater.

Demetrius

The @TownClerk is going to #CasuallyReason with us to shut down #OccupyTheater!!!

TownClerk

33

Artemis is safe no matter what @MissionPaul says. She is the patron of this city. Period. (1 of 2)

TownClerk

If @Demetrius has a lawsuit for @MissionPaul, go to court. The Romans won’t tolerate

#OccupyTheater. (2 of 2)

EphesusDramaCompany

Thank you @TownClerk. Our theater is saved from the tent encampment of #OccupyTheater!9

***

MissionPaul

I’d better skip town. I think a preaching tour of Greece is in order.

Sopater

@MissionPaul Watch out. There are some Jews in Greece plotting to kill you.

MissionPaul

@Sopater Thanks for the heads up. I’ll DM you my travel plans and we’ll meet up in Troas.

***

DocLuke

Good to be back in Troas. I hear Paul is going to preach tonight.

Sopater

@DocLuke Do you have your smelling salts? We’re gonna need ‘em!

Gaius

@DocLuke @Sopater Paul is a knockout preacher!!! #ZZZZZZzzzzzzzz

MissionPaul

Gonna be a late sermon tonight since we’re leaving tomorrow.

DocLuke

All of the lamps in the upstairs room are burning. They look really awesome.

Eutychus

Sooooo bored. Ugh. Where’d they find this guy?

9 There is nothing in the text regarding the theater company of Ephesus, but since we have found a theater in the

ruins of Ephesus, it’s clear that there was some sort of acting company in the city. In addition, any company

seeing a riot in its place of business would be relieved to see it restored to order. That Luke omitted the reaction of

the theater company to the riot is a greater mystery than what such a company would have tweeted.

34

Eutychus

Anyone online tonight?

Eutychus

Why didn’t someone invent Facebook yet?10

Eutychus

Just going to lean back in this window for a snooze…

DocLuke

Oh no! @Eutychus fell to his death!!!

MissionPaul

@DocLuke Don’t be alarmed!

DocLuke

@MissionPaul A little late for that, don’t you think?

MissionPaul

@DocLuke Look! He’s alive!

DocLuke

@MissionPaul Why do you even bother traveling with a doctor anyway?

Gaius

@DocLuke @Sopater Killah preacher!!!

MissionPaul

Where was I?

DocLuke

And he’s back at it…

***

MissionPaul

I’m off to Jerusalem now. @HolySpirit says hardships await me.11

10 Though Eutychus may not have known about the possibility of Facebook, I think this tweet fits the context

because Facebook, if anything, was invented for boring evenings—especially for surviving a boring Bible study. 11 In the original Greek, Luke draws this out with all of these prophets warning Paul about being imprisoned and

dramatically tying belts around their hands and stuff. We get it. Bad things are coming--like repeating the same

conversion story three times in a row. It’s like Acts turns into a revival meeting where the preacher has one story

he has to share over and over again. If Twitter can fix anything in the Book of Acts, it’s this unnecessary

repetition. Why say “Blah, blah, blah” when one “Blah” does the trick?

35

HolyBroJames

@MissionPaul Can you pay the fees for a few guys to take their vows? It may help the Jewish bros

relax.

MissionPaul

Sure thing, I’ll go to the temple tomorrow.

HighPriest

Kill @MisionPaul! He’s attacking the Law of Moses wherever he goes!

Maximus12

Off to shut down ANOTHER riot in Jerusalem. Ugh. That’s the III riot this month.

MissionPaul

@Maximus If you let me speak, I may be able to stop the riot.

Maximus

@MissionPaul You can tweet in Greek?

MissionPaul

@Maximus I’m a Jew from Tarsus in Cilicia, which is #4 on @RomeAtHome Magazine’s city list.

Maximus

@MissionPaul Lucky you. If this doesn’t go well, you may want to move back there.

MissionPaul

Brothers, I was zealous like you until Jesus appeared to me and sent me to preach forgiveness of sins

to the Gentiles.

HighPriest

Kill @MissionPaul!!! Rid the earth of him. Throw your cloaks in the air and stir up dust!!!

Maximus

Holy Jupiter, they’re throwing their cloaks in the air and stirring up dust! Back to the barracks!

Maximus

Let’s flog @MissionPaul to find out what he did to make these people so crazy.

MissionPaul

12 We don’t know what the name of the Roman Centurion would have been, but it seems like Maximus is as good

a Twitter handle as any. Frankly, I’m a bit disappointed that the Bible doesn’t have anyone named Maximus in it.

This should fix that.

36

@Maximus Is it legal to flog a Roman citizen without a trial?

Maximus

@MissionPaul What the Hades??? Don’t tell me you’re a citizen too? That’s expensive.

MissionPaul

@Maximus It’s verified on my Twitter profile.

Maximus

@MissionPaul So it is. Now I need to organize a trial with the Sanhedrin.

Maximus

@MissionPaul I’ll need to confiscate your phone.

DocLuke

After two trials, @MissionPaul appealed his sentence to Rome.13

***

MissionPaul

@Julius the centurion let me get a phone for the journey to Rome! Good to be back.

Julius

Found an Alexandrian ship sailing for Italy. Whoot! #<3Alexandria

DocLuke

We’re not making good time with these winds.

MissionPaul

Oh great, we’re going to get stuck on Crete for the winter…

DocLuke

@MissionPaul What’s worse, Crete or prison?

MissionPaul

@DocLuke Immahave to think about that one…

Julius

We can’t winter at Fair Havens. We need to get to the north side of Crete.

MissionPaul

13 I don’t see what was so hard about condensing those two trials into one tweet. Yet another example of how

Twitter makes life better.

37

I think we should stay put and not risk getting blown out to sea.

Julius

@MissionPaul You’re a prisoner with a Twitter account. Don’t push it. #He’sPushingIt

DocLuke

Oh no! A Northeaster!

MissionPaul

@DocLuke Saw THAT one coming…

Julius

Throw the cargo over to save the ship! #Ouch$$$ #ThisiswhyI’mnotasailor

MissionPaul

We’re going to lose the ship, but God will spare all of our lives. Let’s eat something.

DocLuke

I hate soggy matza… Ugh.

Julius

There’s land nearby! We may make it after all! #Neversogladtoseeland

MissionPaul

@Julius The sailors are trying to escape the ship!

Julius

We need to swim for shore. #Notafanofswimming

DocLuke

But I just ate soggy matza…

MissionPaul

Malta looks like a nice island. I’d better help start a fire so we can dry off.

DocLuke

Oh no! A viper is on Paul’s hand. It looks fatal.

MissionPaul

I hate snakes. That is all.

Publius

I heard the viper bite didn’t kill @MissionPaul. Can he help my father?

38

MissionPaul

Sure. I’m not picking up any more sticks around here. I can probably heal some other folks on this

island too.

Julius

@DocLuke Why does Paul need a doctor when he can just heal people on his own?

DocLuke

@Julius I’m back up. And I can do all of the writing since his eyesight is lousy.

MissionPaul

@DocLuke I can see fine. I even sign my own name on my letters.

DocLuke

@MissionPaul Why are you talking to a goat? I’m standing to your left.

Julius

This is great. The people love @MissionPaul and are helping us get to Rome.

DocLuke

@MissionPaul Did you see our ship has the figurehead of Castor and Pollux???

Julius

We have a pretty rad ship. Another Alexandrian! #Win #HomeSweetRome

MissionPaul

@DocLuke What’s the big deal with Castor and Pollux?

DocLuke

@MissionPaul Isn’t it cool? Have you ever seen something like that before?

MissionPaul

@DocLuke Meh. Let’s just hope we don’t shipwreck again.

***

Julius

Finally made it! #DutyFirst #RomeSweetRome

DocLuke

Some Christians are coming to meet us at the Three Taverns.

MissionPaul

@DocLuke I’m glad to see them, and I’m glad they’ve got 3 taverns. I could use a drink.

39

MissionPaul

Look at all of the rentals in Rome’s Craig’s List!

DocLuke

@MissionPaul boldly preached the Gospel and tweeted the Good News in Rome without fear and with

uninterrupted 5G coverage.

40

About the Author Ed Cyzewski (MDiv, Biblical Seminary) is a freelance writer and blogger at

http://www.inamirrordimly.com who uses curiosity, a seminary degree, and

bad puns to help his readers follow Jesus. He aims to make good theology

accessible, interesting, and practical. Ed is the author of Coffeehouse

Theology: Reflecting on God in Everyday Life and Divided We Unite:

Practical Christian Unity. He is the co-author of Hazardous: Committing to

the Cost of Following Jesus (CLC, Fall 2012) with Derek Cooper.