the stand in 4

8/6/2019 The Stand in 4

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The Stand–In

By Ladislav Smoljak and Zdeněk SvěrákTranslated by Andrew Roberts

For details about this translation, contact

Andrew RobertsDepartment of Political Science

Northwestern UniversityEvanston, IL 60208

[email protected]



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Part ASeminar

Prof. Miloň Čepelka:

Good evening, dear friends.

Today’s performance will take you back to the beginning of this century, to a time whenJára Cimrman, as managing director of the Lipany Acting Company, journeyed from shtetlto shtetl to offer rural audiences entertainment and enlightenment in an attractive theatricalformat.

Our research in local archives has recently acquainted us with a number of peculiarities in

Cimrman’s theater that distinguished it from the countless others roaming the countrysideat the time. The most striking is the small number of actors in his company. At the time of greatest public interest, Cimrman employed only six actors. As long as he put on plays byhis hand, he could take this limitation into account while writing the play. It was worse,however, when he wanted to present a more difficult piece from a foreign pen. Histheatrical company became legendary precisely for the ingenuity with which it managed todeal with this problem.

….He boldly, for example, cut the number of sisters in Chekhov’s play to only one. Hesuccessfully put on “Alibaba and the Forty Thieves” under the title “Lone Wolf Alibaba”.When his troupe had no actors to play female roles, Cimrman did not hesitate to perform

Ibsen’s famous drama under the title “A Clubhouse”.

In several cases, Cimrman had to make even more drastic textual alterations. His mostdaring feat – long discussed in theatrical circles – was his production of Shakespeare’sHamlet without Hamlet.

To show you how ingeniously Cimrman was able to do this, we will read you a scene fromthe original verse in the translation of Milan Lukeš. Mr. Šimon will read Hamlet, Mr.Svěrák the queen, and Mr. Weigel the king.

King: How is it that the clouds still hang on you?

Hamlet: Not so, my lord. I am too much in the sun.

Queen: Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.Do not forever with thy veiled lidsseek for thy noble father in the dust.Thou know’st ‘tis common; all that lives must die.

Hamlet: Ay, madam, it is common.



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Queen: If it be,why seems it so particular with thee?

Hamlet: ‘Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,nor customary suit of solemn black,no, nor the fruitful river in the eye,nor the dejected havior of the visage,together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,that can denote me truly. These indeed seem,for they are actions that a man might play,but I have that within which passes show;these but the trappings of the suits of woe.

King: ‘Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet,to give these mourning duties to your father,But to persever in obstinate condolement is a courseof impious stubbornness. ‘Tis unmanly grief.


Okay, that’s enough. Fortunately, we came across an old copy of the play with Cimrman’sown additions and deletions, and so we can now read you the same passage from thefamous “Hamlet without Hamlet”. In other words, we no longer need Mr. Šimon.

Queen: Bad news, king! Hamlet’s gone and hidhimself from us again.

King: A pity. I wanted to ask him just now:How is it that the clouds still hang on you?But as usual, he’d just answer me:Not so, my lord. I am too much in the sun.

Queen: Yes, that’s just like him. You know what Iwould have said to him? I would have said:

Good Hamlet, cast thy nighted color off,and let thine eye look like a friend on Denmark.Do not forever with thy veiled lidsseek for thy noble father in the dust.Thou know’st ‘tis common; all that lives must die.

King: That’s right. And you know what he’d tell you?

Queen: No.



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King: He’d say: Ay, madam, it is common.

Queen: Yes, yes. That’s just the way he squirms.But I wouldn’t have any of that. I’d just ask him:If it be, why seems it so particular with thee?

King: Well, you’d have given it to him there.That would be grist for his mill. You knowhow verbose he is.

Queen: Do I ever. I know exactly how laboriouslyhe’d answer such a simple question.Once we spoke about something similar

and that was back when he didn’t hide so much.And do you know what he said to me?I deliberately copied it down here (reads):‘Tis not alone my inky cloak, good mother,nor customary suit of solemn black,no, nor the fruitful river in the eye...

King: That’s a style! We should never have senthim off to study.The fruitful river in the eye! Who wrote that?1

Queen: Some guy named Shakespeare. Listen to some more:Nor, the dejected havior of the visage,together with all forms, moods, shapes of grief,that can denote me truly.

King: I don’t know. Maybe I’ll go find him and say:‘Tis sweet and commendable in your nature, Hamlet,to give these mourning duties to your father,but to persever in obstinate condolement is a courseof impious stubbornness. ‘Tis unmanly grief.About as unmanly as always

to run away and hide just like a little boy.


Thank you, gentlemen.

1 In the original “Who translated that?” “Some guy named Lukeš.”



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Perhaps it will interest you to know how audiences reacted to Cimrman’s adaptation of “Hamlet”. In the conscientiously–kept chronicle of the town of Kopidlno we discovered arecord of his traveling theatrical company’s appearance in the performance hall of the localtown hall on October 15, 1906.

When a poster announcing that an acting troupe would perform for us the world–famousEnglish work Hamlet was discovered in Mr. Hoffmann’s drugstore, the public received thenews very favorably. The druggist Hoffmann, who had seen the play the year before in theNational Theater in Prague, personally encouraged all his customers to see theperformance, and for the more educated of them he even divulged the chemicalcomposition of the poison drops which would be poured into the king’s ear that evening.

Up to the intermission the performance was followed with great anticipation as to whether

Hamlet, whom everyone had looked forward to seeing, would finally show himself onstage. When he still remained hidden during the second half of the play, the druggistHoffmann organized a group of volunteers who offered to find the prince. Thegamekeeper Sodomka brought his dog from the next–door bar and requested a piece of the prince’s clothing so his spaniel could pick up the trail.

For incomprehensible reasons, however, the actors tried to prevent the search, eventhough they had constantly complained to the audience that they themselves couldn’t findHamlet. After an inconclusive exchange of opinions between the actors and the audience,the druggist Hoffmann organized a second group to demand a refund of the ticket price.

The director of the troupe tried to quiet the growing commotion, but he couldn’t makehimself heard because a strong wind from the mountains carried away the entire castle of Elsinore piece by piece, which, the druggist swore, was not at all a part of theperformance at the National Theater.

The performance ended literally in a fiasco. In the end, we lost not only Hamlet, but theentire acting company which left town on the run toward Jičín. The crowd of angrytheater–goers which rushed out of the hall into the town square will long remember thewords that the druggist Hoffmann hurled after the fleeing actors: “Show yourselves hereagain and you’ll see what kind of drops I give you.” Thank you for your attention.

Dr. Jaroslav Weigel:

At the time when Cimrman’s theater traveled the countryside, the majority of public hallsand meeting places had already been wired for electricity. But fairly often it happened thatin the middle of a performance the current went dead and the whole theater was plungedinto darkness. To light candles or petroleum lamps was, after the fire in the NationalTheater, of course forbidden.2 Everybody thus had to wait until the short was repaired.

2 Built in 1881 after a nationwide fundraising drive, the National Theater was a landmark in the creationof Czech national consciousness. The fire which destroyed it after just 11 performances was thus atraumatic event for Czechs. Nevertheless, they managed to raise funds and rebuild the theater by 1883.



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For these unpleasant moments of waiting, Cimrman wrote a humorous filler which couldbe performed entirely in the dark. When we discovered it among the remains of the actorOta Plk, we realized that here, long before the invention of the radio, Jára Cimrman hadlaid the groundwork for radio plays. Judge for yourselves. Turn out the lights, please.

(The lights go down.)

Actor: Dearly esteemed audience, remain in your seats. Due to a short circuit inthe electric lighting, we will perform for you a gay sketch: “Dark as Night”.

Tailor: Wife, do you mind if I go out now and leave you here alone in our housewhich is also a tailor’s workshop.

Wife: I don’t mind. I know that as a tailor you must go to the homes of yourcustomers when the lights go out, as they so often do, and you can’t seeyour own work.

Tailor: So farewell, my wife.

Wife: Farewell, husband, and don’t slam the door or you’ll wake up Grandpawho is sleeping in the adjoining room.

He’s gone. I was getting afraid that he’d never leave. Any moment, you

see, my lover, František Křižík, will come. He owns the electric companyand he turns off the power whenever we want to get my husband out of thehouse.

(Knocking is heard .)

Is that you, honey? Come in, the coast is clear.

Křižík: Darling! Finally I’m holding you in my arms again. Oh, what firm flanksyou have.

Wife: That’s a tailor’s dummy, František.

Křižík: Sorry. And now? Is that you? You’re not a dummy, are you?

Wife: Oh, František.

Křižík: I recognize you now. If you were a dummy, you’d have a wooden polefrom here to the ground.

Wife: Where are you, František?



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Křižík: Here, honey. May I kiss you?

Wife: Kiss me, František.

Křižík: It feels like you’re smoking a pipe.

Wife: Grandpa! Is that you?

Grandpa: Yeah. I’m looking for a candle. Who’s that here with you?

Wife: It’s Venouš. My husband and your son. Go back to sleep. I’ll find thecandle myself.

Grandpa: Okay, I’m going. Good night.

Křižík: Finally alone, my darling. My whole life I’ve wanted to kneel down at yourfeet like this.

Wife: Kneel, František, kneel.

Grandpa: Listen, daughter–in–law, I’ve come back. That voice somehow seemedfunny to me. Is that really you, Venouš? Where are you? Aha, here. Howcome you’re so small?

Wife: Grandpa, Venouš just left. This is little Mirek from the neighbors. Hismother ran out of vinegar again.

Grandpa: What do you need so much vinegar for? You’re here for it every day.

( A knock at the door .)

Wife: Who is it?

Mirek: Good evening, I’m little Mirek from the neighbors. My mother ran out of vinegar again.

Grandpa: I must be going crazy... You were saying that this one here, the one I’mholding by the hair, is little Mirek from the neighbors.

Wife: Our neighbors have two little boys, Grandpa.

Grandpa: And they’re both named Mirek?



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Wife: Yes. They have two little Mireks. You can’t grasp anything, can you,Grandpa?

Grandpa: I was grasping one Mirek.

(Knocking.)

Wife: Who is it?

Neighbor: Good evening. I’m your neighbor. Is our Mirek here?

Grandpa: Both of your Mireks are here.

Neighbor: Both? I only have one Mirek.

Grandpa: You see, daughter–in–law, our neighbor is younger than me and she canonly grasp one.

Tailor: Now I’m glad that I didn’t go to see my customers and that I onlypretended to leave.

Wife: My God, husband, you were here the whole time.

Tailor: Yes. Finally, I’ve found out why our electricity goes out so often. Come

here, Křižík. Where are you? Ah, you’re kneeling over here.

Mirek: I’m Mirek.

Tailor: Sorry, Mirek. So this is Křižík!

Křižík: I’m Mirek too.

Tailor: Don’t try to fool me. There’s only one Mirek. The other one is here forvinegar. Remember, Křižík, if you ever turn off the electricity again...

Křižík: I promise I won’t turn it off, kind sir. Today is the end of my philanderingways. First of all, it’s not the same in the dark anyhow, and second, I can’twaste any more time because I have to perfect my new invention, the arclamp.3 And now excuse me, I’m going to start up the generator.

(The lights come up.)

3 František Křižík was in fact a famous Czech inventor of the arc lamp. In this scene his name could bereplaced by Edison’s.



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Dr. Jaroslav Weigel:

You’ve now seen, friends, or rather heard how Cimrman took advantage of electricalshort circuits, which as a rule paralyze theatrical performances, and used them for thefurther entertainment of the audience. His company performed the sketch “Dark as Night”for several years to a similarly passionate response as we’ve witnessed here tonight. Thatwas until the year 1913 when a certain František Křižík attended the performance with hisspouse. Křižík himself would have taken the whole affair in stride, but his wife insistedthat the play be stricken from the repertoire and that short circuits come to an end.

Research Assistant Genadij Rumlena:

At the bottom of his restless soul Cimrman the playwright nestled one great dream: to live

to see a performance of one of his own plays on the boards of the National Theater.His correspondence with the leading dramatist of our leading stage LadislavStroupežnický bears witness to the voraciousness of his lifelong desire.4 Stroupežnický, anopinionated character who was absolutely deaf to the arguments of his adversaries,ungraciously tossed over five hundred submissions in the garbage during his ten years inthe Golden Chapel.5 The greater part of this heap of rejected manuscripts was the work of Jára Cimrman, Adalbert Kolínský and Eliška Kutnohorská, the latter two of which wereCimrman’s pseudonyms.6

Through the generosity of the Theater Division of the National Museum we can today

look at the passionate letters these two great spirits of the Czech theater exchanged in theyear 1890. This correspondence is also valuable for us because it gives firsthand evidenceabout Cimrman’s lost mythological play “Czechs to Mt. Ř íp”.7

I will read the letters of Jára Cimrman, my colleague Mr. Kašpar those of LadislavStroupežnický.

Čáslav, January 12, 1890Esteemed Sir,

I write to you from the town where Jan Žižka was buried and where my theatricalcompany yesterday performed my historical work, “Czechs to Mt. Ř íp”, in front of a sold–

out auditorium.8 I offered you the manuscript of this musical work a year ago and it seemsto me that it is buried in your office much like Žižka is here. I would be thankful to you fornews about whether you have read my drama and your opinion of it.

4 Ladislav Stroupežnický was a Czech dramatist and novelist.5 This is a common nickname for the National Theater.6 The pseudonyms are plays on the names of famous Czech writers.7 Mt. Ř íp was the mythical birthplace of the Czech nation where forefather Čech decided to settle hispeople. The joke later on is that “Ř íp” is related to the word for sugarbeet (ř epa), and so the title carries adouble meaning.8 Jan Žižka (1360-1424) was a famous military leader of the Hussite movement.



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Mr. Jan Kašpar:

Prague, February 6, 1890Honorable Sir,

Unfortunately I read your attempt at drama because my official responsibilities putit before me. I really do not know what to reproach you for first – whether the ricketyplot, the feebleness of the characters, or the multiple transgressions against the laws of drama that you managed to commit in the first act alone. And that is to say nothing of what audiences would think about your peculiar conception of the dawn of our nation’shistory. For example, how not just the forefather of the Czechs came to that hallowedmountain, but even the forefathers of the Jews, Germans, and Gypsies.

I do not know how you were educated or in what field you studied, but with a

clear conscience I can recommend that you abandon drama and that you devote yourself to any kind of work at all so long as it is something else.


Čimelice, March 10, 1890Honorable Mr. Stroupežnický,

Your letter from the sixth of February confirmed that not even you, great writerthat you are, understood my play, “Czechs to Mt. Ř íp”. We who follow the greatdramatist Tyl in canvassing the rural countryside see the arc of life differently than youwho sit in Prague as if in a small glass. 9 That I allowed the forefather of the Germans and

the forefather of the Jews to come to Mt. Ř íp and the dark–skinned forefather of theGypsies to approach in a covered wagon full of stolen hens has its own educationalfunction. In this tiny Czech burrow of ours, if you haven’t noticed, there live othersbesides Czechs. Even the descendants of other forefathers live here in our society. Theytoo are welcome in my theater and I wish you could see how joyfully they accept myaccount of history.

Mr. Jan Kašpar:

Prague, November 5, 1890Dear Sir,

With regard to your visit to me in Prague, when I could not return the manuscriptof your “Czechs to Mt. Ř íp” for the simple reason that the heap of rejected manuscriptsfrom similar authors is gigantic and that my secretary who could find it for you had a caseof the shingles, I am now returning it to you by mail and at the same time I relay to youthat I am ending our correspondence for good.

Please do not take it personally. In the same way I am also ending mycorrespondence, for example, with Mr. Adalbert Kolinský and Mrs. Eliška Kutnokorská.

9 Josef Kajetán Tyl (1808-1856) was a well-known dramatist and writer.



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You three alone as I calculate have robbed me of 96 working hours which is a full fourdays of my life.

With the words “Don’t write to me and if possible don’t write at all,”Ladislav Stroupežnický


Dear Lada,Why haven’t we had a beer together long ago, you old coot? I read in the journal

Lumír that you went to the realschule in Písek for a couple of years. I studied there for awhile too, so that makes us schoolmates.

Let me see if this impresses you. My company is performing now in the Poděbradyregion where they’ve been suffering a shortage of field hands for collecting the sugarbeet

crop and the entire harvest of hops.On the advice of the director of the sugar refinery in Dymokury, Mr. Hlušina, Islightly reworked my play “Czechs to Mt. Ř íp”. I’ve rewritten the title to read “Czechs,Let Her Rip”. The closing song in which the title is repeated in chorus has stirred theaudience so greatly that the sugar refinery is going at full speed like never before. Andthanks to my theater they’ve even signed up five Germans, two Gypsies, and tentativelyone Jew.

Yours, Jára Cimrman

Dr. Zdeněk Svěrák:

Dear friends, we’ve acquainted you with several peculiarities of Cimrman’s touring theatercompany. There were, however, even more singular features. The ensemble, for example,became famous for its unusually rapid scene changes. In an age when the bicycle was inWestern Europe a luxury numbering scarcely ten thousand, in our country a contrivance of eccentrics, and in the Russia of the Czar only a subject of passionate debate in anarchistcircles, Cimrman’s artistic company used the bicycle quite regularly. In the speed withwhich the actors left individual villages, their collective was quite uncatchable.

Cimrman also had an unusual method for working with background music. His touringtroupe did not have the money to hire musicians and so the actors themselves wereresponsible for the music between acts. The music, however, was not mere decoration.

The actors stood behind the curtain and sang out various bits of information: what the playwas about, when it would be performed next, and so on.

Another remarkable phenomenon of the troupe was its protagonist, the multi–faceted OtaPlk. He was the sort of actor who, shall we say, inhabits his roles too deeply. Eachcharacter he played completely swallowed Ota Plk. While the other actors simply shedtheir roles when they took off their costumes and make–up, Ota Plk remained in his roleslong after the curtain fell. He really didn’t have a life of his own. He literally lived the parthe played that day until a new role allowed him to move into another character.



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Spectators applauded this total acting, but the operation of the theater often suffered fromit. For example, after a performance of Gogol’s The Government Inspector in the town of Chocen, Plk disappeared for several days and his surprised colleagues didn’t see him againuntil he arrested them for fraud on the way to Česká Třebová.10

Ota Plk was even successfully cast in female roles. His portrayal of Lady Macbeth 11 wasso stirring that not only the audience, but even the actors cried. The performance once hadto be interrupted for several minutes because the prompter, Standa Křeček, had burst intotears. Of course the veracity of Plk’s portrayal meant that the troupe was rife withintrigue, and the actors playing the King and Banquo had to keep their guard up at alltimes.

Everyone breathed a sigh of relief when Macbeth disappeared from the repertoire. Ota Plk

moved into the leading role of Wilde’s The Ideal Husband

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and thus ceased to be adanger to his surroundings. In addition his monthly bouts of nervousness and anxiety alsocame to an end.

Another characteristic feature of Cimrman’s troupe was the considerable number of untalented actors. To this tradition even we remain faithful.

Experienced actors often left the poor company of Lipany and it was necessary to look forquick replacements. Cimrman put together a sort of basic actor’s ten commandments forthese unschooled beginners:

1. Do not drink for courage. Even the part of a drunkard is better played sober.2. Remember that on the stage you generally have a different name than in real life. Itis good to know the names of the other characters also.

3. It is best to express strong emotions with your back to the audience. You can bestportray both laughter and tears by shrugging your shoulders.

4. Do not thank the audience for objects thrown on the stage.5. After a cue do not repeat everything. Some lines are for other actors.6. Go to the bathroom before the performance so that you do not slouch during the

play.7. If you play a devil, remember before sitting down that you have a tail.8. During applause on an open stage do not bow. It is most likely for someone else.

9. Remember that several doors are simply painted.10. Do not eat during meals on the stage. Everything is rubber.

10 In Czech, Gogol’s play is known as Revizor which has a secondary meaning of ticket inspector. Thecharacter thus checks their train tickets on the way toČeská Třebová.11 In the original, he plays Maryša. In that classic Czech play, the young Maryša is forced to marry anolder man whom she does not love. In the end, she murders him by poisoning his coffee. The joke is thatPlk’s fellow actors are afraid to go out with him for coffee.12 In the original, Švanda Dudák , a classic Czech play about a rural bag-piper.



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And now, dear friends, on the wings of Cimrman’s play we will transport you in time andspace: to the stage of a theater where the touring acting company, sometime around theyear 1910, had an engagement in an unnamed Czech town.

(The singing of a male chorus sounds from behind the closed curtain.)

We’ve got a new play by a Czech man.The author’s name is Jára CimrmanWe hope it won’t be too heartrendingJust remember it’s got a happy endingTell your friends they can pay their rentsAdmission here costs just two centsWe’re only in town for this one day

So catch our show at eight on SaturdayAnd Sunday too



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Part B

prelude

Scene 1 (Director, Vypich, Vlasta, Vogeltanz)

Director: (Calls behind the closed curtain) Robert, open the curtain. On stage!Everybody on stage!

(The curtain rises. One by one Vypich, Vlasta and Vogeltanz, all of them actors in thetouring company, enter. The director is already waiting on the stage in a wheelchair equipped with a holder for the script. The actors are half in costume. The scene – a rural

interior – is assembled. The only thing missing is a bed with down blankets.)

Director: So, friends, we are going on tonight. The performance is saved.

All: Well, hallelujah! Thank God!

Director: And who would you say I acquired as a stand–in?

Vypich: On my soul I don’t know, but as Vavroch I would guess Krámský fromPříbram.

Director: Better.

Vogeltanz: Macháček from Sedláčkovy.

Director: Better. Much better!

Vypich: For a choice role like that, I could only hazard...

Director: You'd still never guess. Karel Infeld Prácheňský himself is coming.

All: No! That’s impossible! Not him! Seriously?

Director: He’s coming now at two o’clock from Plzeň.

Vypich: So I’m going to perform with the one and only Prácheňský.

Vogeltanz: And how much does he want for it?

Director: You know it won’t be free. We’ll each give him half of our share. Thatshould be enough for him.



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Vlasta: So we’re working for only half wages?

Director: For half. But when you take into account that it’ll be sold–out, then that’shalf of some decent money.

Vypich: That’s the truth. In any case, we’ll be working with Prácheňský himself. Anactor would perform with him almost for nothing.

Director: Certainly. There’s the distance too. He’s trekking here all the way fromPlzeň and then back again. That costs something.

Vlasta: That’s the truth.

Director: And that’ll shoot the other half of your royalties.

Vypich: That means that...

Director: Yes, Karel, it means that you will fulfill your dream of performing withPrácheňský for nothing.

Vogeltanz: To tell the truth, I’d rather perform with someone else for money.

Director: Do you know how important this performance is for our future? I can’t justsay, Mayor, the premiere in honor of your birthday has been canceled

because the actors Mr. and Mrs. Bittner have deserted us! And I won’tforgive them. It’s treason. It’s a dagger in my back.

Vypich: It’s mainly the fingers of Mrs. Bittner on that dagger. Bittner alone wouldnever have left.

Vlasta: And do we have someone for Mrs. Bittner.

Director: We don’t, but that doesn’t matter. You’ll make like she’s there eventhough she isn’t.

Vypich: Wait a minute, Jeník. The old matron has a few lines and she writes thewill!

Director: She won’t speak, she will write.

Vlasta: That I want to see.

Vogeltanz: But Prácheňský only has a couple of hours before the performance. Will helearn it?



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Director: Prácheňský? Have you ever seen him act?

Vogeltanz: No.

Director: He’s a natural, friends! He’s perhaps the greatest... He just walks on thestage – applause. He doesn’t even have to say anything.

Bárta: (From backstage) This way, maestro, please come in.

Scene 2 (Prácheňský, Bárta and the preceding)

(The maestro comes onto the stage in a wide artist’s hat with a walking stick in his hand.

Behind him comes Bárta with his luggage. The acting company welcomes their expensivecolleague with applause.)

Prácheňský: Greetings, young colleagues! (Takes off his hat and with aristocraticstrides crosses the stage to the apron from where he gazes out onto the“empty” hall.) I think I’ve performed here before. How many seats arethere?

Director: One hundred and twenty.

Prácheňský: Is it sold–out?

Director: Standing room only, maestro.

Prácheňský: (Tests the acoustics in a frighteningly loud voice.) Once more into thebreach, my dear friends, once more.13 Mnn, mnn, mnn... In an empty hall itsounds hollow, but when the people come it will be better. Look here, haveyou ever noticed where certain people sit? Like here in the middle in thefirst row will be the local notables, that’s obvious. But here on the left( points to the corresponding space in the audience), it’s fascinating, this iswhere all the idiots sit. You’ll see tonight. I don’t know why theycongregate in exactly those seats. So what are we putting on? Your

colleague here ( points to Bárta) was telling me that it’s something new.

Director: It’s my own play, maestro.

Prácheňský: That I think is a big, big mistake. Why write a new play when people wantthe tried and true. What would you say to Hamlet?14 Poison in the king’sear. That’s drama.

13 In the original, a line from the classic Czech play Lucerna, “But I won’t surrender this linden! It’s beenin our family from time immemorial!”14 The original again cites Maryša. Prácheňský says, “Poison in the coffee. That’s drama.”



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Director: ( Motions to Bárta who brings a chair to the center of the stage for themaestro.) There are too few of us for Hamlet, maestro.

Prácheňský: Or Romeo and Juliet.15 They like that too. But Juliet can’t be too heavy.The balcony once collapsed under Musilová–Vébrová. She almost killedme.... Do you know Musilová–Vébrová? She’s like two: Musilová andVébrová!

Director: But, maestro, you agreed to stand in in our new play.

Prácheňský: Certainly, certainly, I know. But listen, now we’re performing somethingby Chekhov16 at the Budil. That could be interesting for you. The names

alone: Alexander Ignatevich Vershinin. Or, Vassily Vasilevich Solyony. Anactor’s got his work cut out for him just to remember how the charactersare named.

(The actors shake their heads sympathetically over the difficult names.)

Director: (To Bárta) Joseph, have you given the maestro a rough idea of the plot?

Bárta: Yes.

Prácheňský: Or Ivan Romanovich Chebutykin!

(The entire acting company with the exception of the director again obligingly show themaestro their amazement over the Russian names.)

Director: Maestro, to acquaint you with the characters...

Vlasta: (With delayed amazement ) Chebutykin!

Director: (Scolding him) Shut your mouth! (To Prácheňský ) So first of all Vavroch.

Prácheňský: Who’s playing Vavroch?

Director: You’re Vavroch.

Prácheňský: Well of course. Vavroch. Yes.

15 In the original, again Lucerna. Prácheňský says, “But the countess can’t be too heavy. I once carriedMusilova-Vebrova across the swamp.”16 In the original, the Russian playwright Ostrovsky. The characters’ names, from the play “A FamilyAffair”, are Agrafena Kondratyevna, Lazar Elizarych Podkhalyuzin, and Sysoy Psoich Rispolozhensky.Here the names are from The Seagull.



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Director: I think that it’s your specialty, isn’t it? That character. This is yourdaughter, of course, your step...

Prácheňský: Aha. Who’s prompting?

Director: I’m prompting. This is Dr. Vypich, a family friend, and Joseph here playsBárta, that’s the servant boy on your estate. Well the estate really isn’tyours yet...

Prácheňský: Where will you be?

Director: I’ll be giving prompts from this side. (Points backstage.) And this is theofficer ( points to Vogeltanz) who is Bárta’s rival for Vlasta’s love.

Prácheňský: Will I be able to hear you? Try to throw me something.

Director: (Goes backstage in his wheelchair.) A man would give his right arm to livein České Budě jovice.

Prácheňský: What’s that?

Director: ( Loudly enough to be heard by the audience.) A man would give his rightarm to live in České Budě jovice!

Prácheňský: I must be crazy, man... Try it from the other side.

Director: (Crosses the stage and repeats from the other side.) A man would give hisright arm to live in České Budě jovice.

Prácheňský: A man would give his right arm to live in České Budě jovice?

(With a sigh of relief everyone praises the maestro for his exact repetition of the line.)

Prácheňský: What kind of idiocy is that? Have you ever been to Budě jovice?

Director: It’s just a line, maestro. I chose it at random.

Prácheňský: I heard it before when you were standing over there, but I didn’t want tobelieve that you would have said something so stupid. Gentlemen, I havethe worst memories of Budě jovice. Will there be dinner afterwards?

Vypich: Yes. There’ll be a celebration after the performance, maestro. The mayorof the town is the guest of honor.



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Prácheňský: So remind me to tell you about Budě jovice. Well, I hear it practically thesame from both sides, so you can throw me lines from the side where youwere first and this will be my place. (Marks off a space on the side of thestage.) No one can set foot on the place where I’m standing right now. Bythe way, when are the women arriving?

Vypich: Which women do you mean?

Prácheňský: I mean the female part of the cast.

Director: In my play there are just two female roles. Unfortunately, we don’t havethe old lady, but the play can go on without her. And Čeněk here, as I said,will play your stepdaughter.

Prácheňský: ( Looks Vlasta over.) Aha. Well, after all, why not. If he shaves off themustache, why not.

Vlasta: No way am I going to shave it off! For one stupid role... And don’t forgetthat I’m quitting the theater.

Prácheňský: You’re quitting the theater, young man? And why?

Director: It’s like this. Čeněk’s been performing with us for five years already andthis whole time we’ve been wracking our brains to figure out why he hasn’t

had success on stage in any of his roles. And about a week ago it finally hitus. Čeněk has no talent.

Prácheňský: Go on. I can’t believe it. After all, everyone has a little theatrical talent.Come on boy, let’s try something. I can recognize talent after two or threewords. Say, for instance (calls to the left ): So where are you going, KuzmaKuzmič?17

Vlasta: (Calls identically only in the opposite direction.) So where are you going,Kuzma Kuzmič?

Prácheňský: Hm. He doesn’t have talent. Kuzma’s over there. (Points to the left.) Andhe still has to perform with us today?

Director: Unfortunately.

Prácheňský: The ending, you really pulled that off. I already know it by heart: So endsour comedy, evil loses and good lives free...

17 I believe this line is from Ostrovsky.



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Director: I’m glad you like the ending.

Prácheňský: I love verse. The words are generally nonsense, but when you put theminto verse they sound completely different.

Director: Maestro, if you please, let’s start the rehearsal from your entrance. Friends,scene four: Vavroch and others!

Prácheňský: Who begins?

Vypich: You, maestro.

Prácheňský: I know that, but I don’t know how.

Director: I saw the doctor’s carriage in front of the house.

Prácheňský: I saw the doctor’s carriage in front of the house... (goes to look at thedirector’s script )... and I said to myself: the doctor must be here! And sohe is!

Director: Beautiful, maestro, beautiful! The way Bittner muddles it, you can’t evencompare.

Prácheňský: (Under the assumption that the director is giving him a cue. ) The way

Bittner muddles it, you can’t even compare.

Director: No, excuse me, but that’s not your line. I was just complimenting yourdelivery.

Prácheňský: Look here, this is key: don’t say anything to me that isn’t in my lines. I’vegot a mind like a trap and I’ll never be able to get it out of my head. What’sthere next? ( Looks at the script.) How is the deceased doing, doctor?(Stops short.) Listen, this must be a mistake, right? How is the deceaseddoing? How can she be doing, she’s stiff as a board, no?

Director: I was trying to express the fact that Vavroch wishes...

Prácheňský: What’s with this Vavroch again? Man, you’ve got as many characters as onPrague’s astronomical clock.

Bárta: You’re playing Vavroch, maestro.

Director: As Vavroch, you wish that the matron were dead and so you speak abouther as if she were already deceased. And you’ve also had something todrink. You were in a bar with Helga.



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Prácheňský: Helga is being played by a man?

Bárta: No, she doesn’t show up in the play at all.

Prácheňský: There’s no Helga here at all? And so who am I going to be with in the bar?

All: With Helga.

Prácheňský: Aha. Listen, colleagues, together we must know a whole slew of oldfavorites. What if tonight we performed perhaps “H.M.S. Pinafore”? Or“The Pirates of Penzance”.18 And then our worries would be over. What doyou say?

Director: Maestro, we could certainly manage with “The Pirates of Penzance” andeven “H.M.S. Pinafore”, but the local mayor was promised the premiere of a new Czech play. I dedicated this play to him and he takes great pride inthat.

Prácheňský: Well, whatever you think... (exhales and looks at the script over thedirector’s shoulder )... What are you doing here, Bárta. You know that Ican’t stand servants in the parlor. Well, as long as you're here, you might aswell take off my boots.

Director: Do you want to rehearse taking off your boots, maestro?

Prácheňský: That’s not necessary. Do you know what I think will be best, colleagues? If you show me where I’m staying. I’ll crawl into bed with the role, I’ll slogthrough it a couple of times and it’ll all work out.

Director: Fine. And do you think that not even the positioning... We won’t even gothrough the blocking?

Prácheňský: What do you mean blocking? Please. I’m going to stand here. (Points withhis index finger at the space he marked off for himself. ) When I’m doing

something for the first time, you can’t want me to do any risky wanderingaround the stage... Sure, when I know it, I’ll gladly step all the way out tohere. (Walks out to the front of the stage.) But don’t count on that tonight.

Director: Certainly. And for your peace of mind, maestro: if worse comes to worst,we practice this time–honored trick – the role of the curious invalid. Incase the play, God forbid, goes wrong on stage, you know, if it goes

18 In the original the plays are “The Blind Young Man” by Tyl and “The Fiddler’s Child” by SvatoplukČech. Both were popular Czech plays that are little remembered today.



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completely off the rails, I’ll come in and put it back on track. But that’sonly in the most extreme situation.

Prácheňský: Yeah, yeah. ( Looks contemplatively from the apron out into the “empty”hall.) Just so long as the idiots are only sitting over here on the lefttonight...

Curtain



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Part C

Vlasta

A Story of Rural Life in One Act

Characters: VlastaVavroch – her stepfatherBárta – servantVypich – family doctorVogeltanz – recruiterInvalid

( In front of the curtain.)

Vypich: Your honor the mayor, councilmen, esteemed public! Our theatricalcompany has the honor of visiting your town precisely on the day when thepresent mayor here is celebrating his jubilee, his fiftieth birthday. Let thework you will see today be a bouquet of flowers given by Czech actors to aCzech mayor of a Czech town. And in this bouquet of flowers, strungtogether from simple meadow blossoms... Czech blossoms, today a mostprecious flower is blooming: as a guest of this celebratory evening, theleading member of the famous theatrical company of Vendelín Budil in

Plzeň will perform for us. It is none other than Karel Infeld Prácheňskýhimself!

( Applause sounds from a tape recorder. Vavroch comes out from behind the curtain,bows and accepts a bouquet of artificial flowers which Vypich hands him and together they exit.)

Scene 1 Vlasta and Bárta

(The parlor of a rich manor. Dominant among the rustic furniture is a bed with two

striped down blankets and pillows. Vlasta is ironing.)

Vlasta: (Sings slurring her s’s.)Ironing, ironingit’s never endingAdd starch to everythingso it all shines like springIroning, ironing...

Bárta: (Entering) Good morning, Vlasta!



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Vlasta: Good morning, servant Bárta!

Bárta: That’s how it should be. You welcome the new day with a song like asparrow.

Vlasta: I’m not singing from joy today, servant Bárta. I’m singing to drive awaythe blues.

Bárta: I know. Your stepfather Vavroch, right? He was trying to get at you again?

Vlasta: If it were only that.

Bárta: What do you mean?

Vlasta: I bolted the door carelessly and he... ( Hides her face in the handkerchief she’s been ironing.)

Bárta: My God! He... you?

Vlasta: No, I defended myself.

Bárta: I don’t believe it. How could you defend yourself against a wild beast likehim?

Vlasta: A strange thing. He flew at me like a bull and when I had finally saidfarewell to my feminine virtue, suddenly it was as if something in himbroke, he stopped pressing himself on me, he turned away and was gone.

Bárta: Maybe it was his conscience pricking him.

Vlasta: I’m afraid that it wasn’t his conscience. That it was something else.

Bárta: What do you mean?

Vlasta: It’s nothing. It just occurred to me somehow.

Bárta: You see, Vlasta, if we were...

Vlasta: Did you feed the horses?

Bárta: I did... He wouldn’t be able to touch you at all.

Vlasta: Did you feed the cows?



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Bárta: I did. Is it because I’m only a servant...

Vlasta: Did you feed the pigs?

Bárta: ...and you the daughter from the manor.

Vlasta: Did you?

Bárta: I did! I fed everything! The goats, the hens, the pigeons, the dogs! Youknow it as well as I do and you’re just trying to change the subject. But if your father were alive, he wouldn’t stand in the way of our marriage.

Vlasta: Did you put the flowers on his grave?

Bárta: I did. Mach had a heart of gold and he liked me.

Vlasta: Bárta, I like you too. But only as a friend. We can never marry.

Bárta: ( Bends over the bed and talks to the quilts.) Matron, put in a good wordfor me. You always had a soft spot for me. (Puts his ear to the pillow.)

Vlasta: What is she saying?

Bárta: She wants something to drink. (Vlasta hands him the cup from which she

has been sprinkling the laundry and Bárta pours it onto the blankets.)

Vlasta: Listen, servant Bárta, I have something I want to confide to you. Thismorning my stepfather brought mother some goat’s milk that hesupposedly milked himself. Something told me not to give the milk tomother. When he left I gave it to the cat.

Bárta: Then what? What about Micka?!

Vlasta: I buried her under the apple tree.

Bárta: So that’s why! I wanted to feed her too, but she was nowhere to be found.

Vlasta: When I told mother...

Bárta: I kept calling her, "Here kitty, kitty", but no Micka.

Vlasta: When I told mother...

Bárta: I was saying to myself, what’s with that cat today that she’s not coming?So I kept calling: Micka? And nothing. The dog sure, he was there right



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away. But the cat nowhere. Where can she be, I kept saying to myself, andshe was under the apple tree the whole time.

Vlasta: Bárta, you know why I can’t marry you? Because you’re so stupid. Butthat’s not the main reason. Now please be quiet and listen. When I toldmother what was in the milk Vavroch brought her, she decided to changeher will.

Bárta: The poor thing already made up her last will?

Vlasta: Yes, I forced her to. She was going to leave him everything: the manor, thefarmland, the forest, the lake, even the brickyard.

Bárta: I’m especially sorry about the brickyard. What kind of bricks could such anunfeeling person like him make.

Vlasta: God, Bárta, you’re so stupid that I feel sorry for you sometimes. Be on thelookout: I sent for Dr. Vypich, our long–time doctor and family friend.We’ll write a new will and you’ll be a witness. Do you understand?

Bárta: I understand.

Scene 2 Vypich and the preceding

Vypich: (Enters quickly without knocking; he also slurs his s’s.) It sure is snowing!I wanted to come by buggy, but then I decided to harness my horses to thesleigh. So quickly: pen, paper, ink. Let’s be ready with this before Vavrochreturns. (While Vlasta and Bárta are bringing the materials he hasrequested, Vypich reaches under the sheets, pulls out a fake arm and takesits pulse.) So how is our sick one doing? The damned pulse has weakenedfrom the last time, but she’ll still hold a pen. Am I right, mother? (Vypichtakes the piece of paper and thrusts it into the sheets.) Here’s the paper,take the pen and write.

(Vlasta takes the cup from her mother’s hand and puts a pen–holder with a pen inbetween her fingers. She then guides the hand across the paper.)

Vypich: Last will and testament, colon: I leave... No, so that it’s completely clear: Ido not leave any of my property...

(Sitting at the foot of the bed, Vlasta occasionally has to refill her mother’s pen in theinkwell which Dr. Vypich holds. However, she cannot pull the pen and pen–holder out of her mother’s hand and instead pulls the entire body and arm closer to the inkwell. This is



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done with a mock–up arm and a sewn–on sleeve which is attached to the bed with a wide piece of rubber.)

Vypich: ...to my second husband Vavroch, but instead I leave the residential areasand the business structures, the livestock, the farmland, the forest, the lake,and the brickyard...

(Vlasta again fills the pen.)

Vypich: ... to my only daughter by the name of Vlasta.

Vlasta: Doctor, mother wants something.

Vypich: ( Leans over the bed.) What’s that? And to her father? But he’s no longeralive, mother. Mach died long ago! What’s that? ( Leans even closer, thenstraightens up and shrugs his shoulders.) She wants it in the will. So we’lllet her have it, even if it is irrelevant. In reality, you're the only heir, Vlasta.(Continues dictating.) And to her father. I have written this will with asound mind and it thus replaces my preceding will. In Brtnice at St.Martin’s, 1876. Signature – Anastázie Vavroch, previously Machová, neeRathouská. And now we’ll sign as witnesses... (The doctor takes the paper out of the sheets and puts it on the table. Vlasta pulls her mother’s longhand with the pen–holder all the way to the table. Bárta signs with her arm and passes it as a single writing unit to the doctor who repeats under

his breath while signing.) Dr. Vypich with his own hand.

Vlasta: (Prizes the pen–holder from the fake hand .) Let go, mama, you don’t needit anymore.

(The hand with the sleeve sharply snaps back to the bed. The doctor folds the will and puts it in his pocket.)

Vypich: So that’s that. Vavroch will be surprised when he finds out. But hedeserves it, the ingrate. ( In a muffled voice to Vlasta) I saw him again intown with that one of his.

Vlasta: Poor mama.

Vypich: He should be ashamed. Here the deceased is still alive and he acts like hewas already a widower.

Bárta: And when you think, if not for mother, where would he be today?

Vypich: Exactly. He’d still be a common stinking servant boy. Something like you,Bárta.



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Scene 3

Vogeltanz and the preceding

(The army recruiter Vogeltanz enters the stage briskly in a handsome uniform. )

Vogeltanz: Good afternoon! Have I arrived correctly at the Vavroch estate, formerlythe Mach estate?

Bárta: You have, sir.

Vogeltanz: (Shakes his hand ) I’m the recruiter Vogeltanz, stationed in ČeskéBudě jovice.

Bárta: Bárta. I work here as a servant.

Vogeltanz: (Shakes the doctor’s hand ) Recruiter Vogeltanz, stationed in ČeskéBudě jovice.

Vypich: Dr. Vypich.

Vogeltanz: Recruiter Vogeltanz, stationed... ( He wants to shake hands with Vlasta aswith the others, but in the middle of his motion he freezes and remainstransfixed by the girl.) No! Is it possible? It just can’t be true.

Vypich: Do you know each other?

Vogeltanz: No, we don’t. But this has never happened to me before. And I’ve visitedso many manors and cottages. But in the whole time of my service I’venever encountered this. I’ve read about it, alright, but that I would everexperience it myself in the flesh, I would never. Even in my dreams itwould never have...

Vypich: What is it? What’s wrong?

Vogeltanz: Love at first sight! The moment I saw her, I immediately fell in love. Anddon’t think that it’s just some youthful infatuation. This is for life. It’s adeep, enduring bond. Ugh, it just took me! (The recruiter finally extendshis right hand to Vlasta.) Recruiter Vogeltanz, stationed in... Well, yousee! You’ve put my head in such a whirl that I don’t remember where I’mstationed.

Bárta: You said České Budě jovice. But, Mr. Recruiter, let me alert you to the factthat Vlasta and I have loved each other for years already.



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Vogeltanz: Well, you see, and now I come in and that’s the end of it for you. It’s as if lightning had come and struck me out of a clear, blue sky. There’s nothingyou can do about it.

Vypich: Listen, recruiter, if I understand you correctly, you’ve heard about Vlastaaround town and now you’re seeing her for the first time?

Vogeltanz: That’s not it. Why I didn’t even know there was a woman here at all. I goaround to cottages and I look for men. For the army. The army needs to fillits ranks. Well, that’s the situation then. Did it seize you too, Vlasta?

Vlasta: I don’t know. Only a moment before you came Bárta here asked me for myhand in marriage...

Vogeltanz: Don’t worry your head over Bárta. He’s already out of the picture. He’sgoing into the army now. He’s been drafted.

Bárta: Wait... Drafted, drafted... But I can’t be drafted!

Vogeltanz: Have you ever been in the army?

Bárta: No.

Vogeltanz: Well, you see. You’ll march. ( Looks at Vlasta.) Herr Gott, I’m going to

have a beautiful wife, what do you think, doctor? And at first sight.

Vypich: And do you often become this impassioned, recruiter?

Vogeltanz: No. Until today I wasn’t interested in women at all. And I came here andit's as if someone had lit a fire under me. You’ll like it in Budě jovice,Vlasta.

Vypich: But that’s where your plan breaks down. Vlasta can’t go to Budě jovice.

Vogeltanz: But why for the sake of God not? Budě jovice, such a nice town! Twobreweries, meat markets...

Vypich: A second before you came and fell in love, the deceased here – of coursefor the time being she’s still a little alive – changed her will. Vlasta is nowthe heir to the entire estate and she has to manage it. So with thisBudě jovice... I’m not saying a honeymoon, a vacation, naturally. But along–term stay, I can’t talk about that with you. It’s simply out of thequestion.



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Bárta: There must be at least one of us with the sense to say something. Nobodyasks Vlasta, nobody asks me, and we’re already planning a honeymoon.

Vogeltanz: (To the doctor ) Quiet! Did you hear something? It sounded like somebodywas saying something.

Vypich: What do you mean somebody? Bárta here was telling you...

Vogeltanz: Bárta? Do you mean this servant who was drafted? But he’s already in thearmy. He can’t speak to anyone anymore.

Bárta: Doctor, don’t say what I've got here in front of Vlasta, but explain to himthat I’m not fit for army service.

Vypich: It's true. Bárta has a handicap.

Vogeltanz: What sort of handicap?

Vypich: If he doesn’t want me to say it here in front of Vlasta.

Vlasta: His handicap doesn’t bother me. I’m not going to marry Bárta anyway.Bárta, if it’ll save you from the army, then out with it.

Bárta: Fine, if it has to come out, it has to come out. I have a glass eye. Look.

(Puts his hand over his left eye and “pulls out” it out of its socket and hands it to the recruiter. He then stands with his left eye closed. )

Vogeltanz: ( Inspects the glass eye in his palm with interest.) A pretty little thing. Sucha small piece of glass and it saves a man from the army. ( Hands the eye tothe doctor.)

Vypich: I know that eye. I sent for it to be ground in Jablonec.19 Perfect.

Vlasta: Can I look too? (The recruiter hands it to her.) Pretty. So sincere. (Vlastabends over the blankets.) Look, mother, Bárta’s eye. (To the others) Shelikes it. ( Returns the eye to Bárta who exhales on it, wipes it on his pantsand puts it back in place.)

Scene 4

(Vavroch enters and the “crowd” greets the famous actor with tape–recorded applausewhich should encourage the real audience to add its own.)

19 The town of Jablonec is known for its glass factories.



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Vavroch: I saw the doctor’s sleigh in front of the house and I said to myself: thedoctor must be here. And so he is. The way Bittner muddles it, you can’teven compare. (Turns toward Bárta) So then, how’s the deceased doing,doctor?

(Vypich coughs to alert Vavroch of his mistake.)

Vavroch: Don’t cough on me, Bárta. And what are you doing in the house at all?You know I can’t stand servants in the parlor. Well, as long as you're here,you might as well take off my boots. (Sits down and extends his booted leg.)

Vypich: Maestro, but I’m not...

Vavroch: Don’t contradict me, you lazy servant! Turn around and pull.

(Vypich sets himself with his back to Vavroch and holds the leg with the boot between histhighs. Vavroch pushes him away with his other leg. At the same time he speaks in Bárta’s direction.)

Vavroch: This servant is no use here. She’s a peasant; she ought to be in the country.Sisters, you spoil people! I like order in the house! There ought to be nouseless servants in the house, Masha.20

Vlasta: Maestro, have you been drinking again? You’ve confused Dr. Vypich withthe lowly servant Bárta.

Vavroch: Really? So you’re Dr. Vypich and you’re just my servant. True, I did drinka little… Good morrow to thee, Prince Hal!21 Give old Falstaff a cup of sack, boy. I am a rogue, if I drunk today.

( An embarrassing pause.)

Director: (Prompts from backstage) What is this man doing here!

Vlasta: Stepfather, surely you’re a little curious about what this man in uniform isdoing here.

Vavroch: That’s the truth. What is this man in uniform doing here?

20 In the original, a speech from Maryša: “Farm workers are getting more impertinent every day. Theythink to themselves: I’m a master, you’re a master. But whoever’s got more loot, he’s an even biggermaster. What do you say to that, Maryša?” This replacement is from “The Three Sisters”.21 In the original, “Wine, women, song... Let that Polish blood course through our veins! Eh, pour me agoblet, Bola!” I am not certain of the play this comes from. The replacement is from Henry IV.



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Vogeltanz: I’m the recruiter Vogeltanz stationed in České Budě jovice. Fate has playeda pretty trick on me. I’m enlisting men for the army. I came here lookingfor a man and I found a woman. Now we can decide where we’re going tolive after the wedding. What would you say if Vlasta and I settled down inČeské Budě jovice?

Vavroch: Listen, recruiter, České Budě jovice is all right. A man would give his rightarm to live in České Budě jovice. (Shakes his head.) Except for me of course. (To the wings) What?

Director: (Prompts) But have you looked her over?

Vavroch: But have you looked over our Nora well?

Vlasta: Stepfather! My name is Vlasta.

Vogeltanz: Yes.

Vavroch: And nothing about her bothers you?

Vogeltanz: No. It’s love at first sight.

Vavroch: And that dark stuff she has under her nose. That doesn’t bother you?

Vogeltanz: No. That’s what I like best about her.

Vavroch: And are you certain that it won’t bother you later?

Vogeltanz: Absolutely.

Vypich: I think I understand you, recruiter. In a woman it might be taken as a signof passion.

Vavroch: It’s just that it might not end under her nose, you know. It might continueeven lower. Chin, breasts... what do I know where it stops.

Vlasta: I still can’t marry the recruiter. How about that?

Bárta: That’s telling him. Vlasta well knows that she and I...

Vlasta: Did you feed the turkeys?

Bárta: I did. Why we’ve been thinking about each other since we were children.

Vlasta: Did you feed the geese?



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Bárta: I did.

Vavroch: Well there, recruiter. You’re already halfway to the altar and this here Noradoesn’t want you.

Vogeltanz: But that’s just little girl’s talk. I can’t marry, I can’t marry... Love at firstsight.

( A silence as everyone waits for Vavroch’s line.)

Director: (Prompts from backstage) Helga!!! Helga!!!

Vavroch: Hedda!22

Hedda Gabbler! Do you remember? How I used to come to yourfather’s house in the afternoon – and the General sat by the window andread his newspapers – with his back towards us… I regarded you as a kindof confessor. Told you things about myself which no one else knewabout…But tell me Hedda – what you felt for me – wasn’t that…

(The director enters in this wheelchair and circles around Vavroch who continues torecite.)

Director: Good afternoon, everybody! I’m the curious invalid, Jirka Karásek.

Vypich: (Obviously delighted ) Welcome, Mr. Karásek! Friends, who doesn’t knowJirka Karásek. He’s such an inquisitive person. Everything interests him.Isn’t that right, Jirka?

Director: It is. I was listening to your discussion here by the window...

Vypich: That’s what he does. He listens by the window and when he doesn’tunderstand something, he comes into the house to ask. So, Jirka, whatwould you like to know today?

Director: Today I'd like to know who’s coming to the manor when you see off the

deceased. And I’d like to hear it from... perhaps... Vavroch here!

Vavroch: (Catches himself ) Yeah. Yeah. When we see off the deceased, Helga’scoming to live here. In other words, it would suit me very well if Vlasta lefthome.

22 In the original, Vavroch lapses into Ostrovsky’s “The Storm” and confuses Helga with the Volga. Hisspeech goes as follows: “Volga! Yes, the Volga, the Volga…Wide river, flat land. Potapyč, I’ve beenlooking at the Volga every day these fifty years and I can never get tired of looking upon it. Someone says:Ech, what! Perhaps Kudriash. He’s got eyes, but he’s blind to nature. Then there’s Lomonosov, a deepthinker, an investigator of nature.... And he was one of us plain working folk too.”



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Director: That’s what I wanted to know. (Exits to the wings.)

Vavroch: Have I told you, doctor, that I’ve met this woman Helga?

Vypich: You haven’t, but I’ve heard something of that sort from others. And I sawyou with her several times myself.

Vavroch: So you’ve seen her? What do you think of her? A fox, isn’t she? I’malready looking forward to living with her. Of course, what kind of situation would that put us in. Helga and Vlasta, that wouldn’t make agood thing. It’s enough that I’m her stepfather. If she had a stepmotherhere too... Even though Helga would be a beautiful stepmother. One of the

most beautiful stepmothers I know.

Vlasta: Stepfather, doesn’t it embarrass you to speak that way in front of mother.She might still be able to hear a little. What do we know?

Vavroch: (To Vypich) That Helga is some... She dresses beautifully, she polishes hernails, even her toes, she wears those fishnet stockings. And if you knewwhat she can do with a man... Of course, I don’t know if she’ll take tofarming. I forgot to ask her if she’d enjoy those things of ours like milking,hoisting dung...

Vlasta: There's something you should know, father! You mixed poison intomother’s milk in vain. She still had enough strength to foil your plans!

Vavroch: Poison you say? Juliet!23 Eyes, look your last! Arms, take your lastembrace! And, lips, o you the doors of breath, seal with a righteous kiss. Adateless bargain to engrossing death! Come, bitter conduct, come,unsavoury guide! Thou desperate pilot, now at once run on the dashingrocks thy sea–sick weary bark! Here's to my love! O true apothecary! Thydrugs are quick. Thus with a kiss I die.

(The "audience" rewards the monologue with tape–recorded applause. The director

again comes on stage.)

Vypich: (With relief ) Ah, Jirka Karásek! We missed you here, curious man.

Director: You know what would interest me, Vavroch? It would interest me whatyou have in your pocket.

23 In the original, again from Maryša, “Poison you say? In her coffee! And it did seem a little stale to me.Why are you so mean to me, Maryša? Why can’t it be different between us? I already promised that whenyou’re my wife, I’d do everything for you. And in the meantime, look at me. Look at yourself. We’re ateach other’s throats from dawn to dusk. Is this the way it has to be, Maryša?”



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Vavroch: (To Vypich) Well, show him what you’ve got in your pocket, Vavroch.

Vlasta: You’re Vavroch, stepfather. My, how you drink...

Vavroch: Yeah, what do I have in my pocket? (Finally it dawns on him.) Good thatyou reminded me. (Pounds his chest.) Here in my pocket I have a will andit clearly states that I inherit everything.

( Having put the play back on its tracks, the invalid Karásek exits. )

Vlasta: (To Vypich) Doctor, tell him.

Vypich: It’s like this, Vavroch: the deceased wrote a new will.

Vavroch: What? She can’t even hold a pen. She’s already one hand in the grave.

Vypich: You’d be surprised how firmly she held it! Listen! (Vypich pulls the willout of his pocket and reads.) I do not leave any of my property to mysecond husband Vavroch, but instead I leave it all to my only daughterVlasta and her father. He’s no longer alive, so that part is irrelevant.

Vavroch: Jesus, that’s beautiful! I just got an idea. Doctor, when I bring Helga here,would you be willing to read her what you read just now in that same

serious voice? That’s the best way to find out if she really loves me.Because – if I understood you correctly – that would make me a beggar.

Vypich: You understood correctly.

Vavroch: That’s sensational. I would never have thought up anything like thatmyself. I can already hear her saying: Well there, Vypich...

Vlasta: Vavroch! Vypich is the doctor.

Vavroch: Right. When I start drinking... I can already hear her saying: Well there,

Vavroch, we didn’t agree to this. You claimed that you had a manor, alake, a forest, a brickyard, and it turns out that all you've got is your ownbare ass. That’s the way she talks. When you’re in the bar with yourbuddies, it sounds good. And she smokes from this long cigarette holder.That’s another thing I like about her.

Vypich: I’m surprised to notice, Vavroch, that what you’ve heard of the new willhasn’t bothered you very much.



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Vavroch: The substance of the will is good... How should I say it... (Cocks his ear tothe prompter.) It’s good for burning all right. You understand, crumple itup in the stove in the morning, then put some kindling on it and then somebigger logs... But not so that you'd burn it right away. First we have to tryit out on Helga.

Vogeltanz: Excuse me, but we seem to have forgotten about our wedding in ČeskéBudě jovice. I still have to go to other cottages and I’d like to know howmany of us there will be so I can reserve the right–sized hall.

Vypich: ( Reads the will again.) However I read it, every which way, I don’t seeanything here which would cause the will to be burned in the stove.Machová–Vavrochová by her own hand, witnesses Vypich, Bárta,

everything’s in order.

Vogeltanz: What would you say to the Hotel Zvon? Lieutenant Pihrt had a weddingreception on the second floor above the bar and he couldn’t praise itenough. What do you say, Vlasta?

Bárta: Vlasta, I want to tell you something.

Vlasta: Did you feed the pigs?

Bárta: And I declare in advance that I fed all the fowl and livestock. When we

were children, we had a make–believe wedding. And back then you saidyes.

Vogeltanz: Children’s weddings don’t count, friends. We’re adults. We have toarrange this ceremony, understand that. The hall has to be reserved long inadvance because there are lots of weddings every day in Budě jovice. Andnow the church too. I’m a Roman Catholic. How about you, Vlasta?

Vlasta: Roman Catholic, too.

Vogeltanz: So it’ll be in one church. I’d like it to be in January so there’s enough time

for preparations. It’d be something else if the bride were with child. We’dhave to rush the wedding... Vlasta, you aren’t with child, are you?

(Vlasta shakes her head.)

Vogeltanz: In other words, January will be soon enough. I’ll send out theannouncement in time so you’ll all know exactly when and where. So,farewell, I have to run now. ( He starts to leave. At the door he stops and says good–bye more loudly.) So, farewell...



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(Vavroch who should hold him back doesn’t react.)

Vavroch: Farewell, you already said that.

Vogeltanz: But I’m leaving.

Vavroch: And who’s stopping you, man? Get on your way.

Vypich: Vavroch, I don't think that you should let the recruiter leave.

Vavroch: No? (With a start ) You’re confusing me, doctor. Why do you think heshould stay here?

Vogeltanz: Perhaps you still have something important to tell me.

Vavroch: Aha. That’s quite possible. But if it’s an important matter, I’ll have to thinkit over carefully. Wait here, I’ll be right back.

(When Vavroch disappears in the wings, the other actors are obviously taken by surprise. Helplessly they try to fill the passing time.)

Vypich: He’ll think it over and in a second he'll be right back with us.

Bárta: He’ll be here like lightning.

Vlasta: He’ll be back in two shakes of a lamb’s tail.

Vypich: Well, that... it’s always good to think over important matters very carefully.(Pause.) Come here, Bárta. What do you think is going on here?

Bárta: Me? I think... that I’ll go take a look to see if something has happened tohim. ( Heads cowardly toward the wings.)

Vypich: No, no. You just stay right here. Anyone could just say that he’s going tolook for him. Conversation is much better with four people than with three.Isn’t that right, recruiter.

Vogeltanz: The more of us there are, the better our conversation is.

Vlasta: But then again when there’s too many people, you can’t have a goodconversation. One person speaks right past the others...

Vypich: Four is ideal. Not too many, not too few.



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( After an embarrassing pause as the actors reach the depths of their improvisatorytalents, Vavroch finally returns. He is welcomed with taped applause.)

Vavroch: I wanted to say, recruiter... (Stops himself ) One second, I still haven’tthought this through completely. (Exits again.)

Bárta: (Staring out the window) The summer really turned out well. The grain isturning golden.

Vypich: Until the snow. The horses had their work cut out from them with thosesleighs.

Bárta: Yes, yes. It’ll be difficult to harvest. In those drifts.

Vypich: Maybe it would be better, Bárta, if you go see whether something hashappened to Vavroch.

( Bárta eagerly steps towards the wings, but at just that moment Vavroch returns,welcomed by his customary applause.)

Vavroch: I wanted to tell you, recruiter: don’t take another step. I expect thatsomething in the new will will interest even you. Doctor, read to whom sheis really leaving her property.

Vypich: It’s written here in black and white... to my only daughter, Vlasta.

Vavroch: (Cocks his ear to the prompter.) Go over to him and read it again.

Vypich: (Embarrassedly obeys.) To my only daughter...

Vavroch: No, you go over to him... ( Dawns on him) Oh, I go over to him? ( At last crosses over to Vypich and reads) To my only daughter, Vlasta. Well, yousee, recruiter. You’ll probably just take Vlasta away.

Vogeltanz: I don’t doubt it.

Vavroch: Only not as a wife, but as a recruit.

Vlasta: My God, stepfather, be quiet!

Vavroch: ( Before his long monologue, he steps onto his “place” off of which heungraciously pushes Bárta.) Why should I hide it, friends? I’m an animal.Vlasta isn’t my own daughter. She’s a grown woman. What’s so wrongwhen a stepfather like me, still full of strength, practically without a wife.Who are we to preach, if sometimes at night his instincts lead him down



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that path? True, she usually locked her door, but yesterday she forgot. Itwas a shock, doctor, when suddenly you find out that you don’t have astepdaughter...

Vlasta: Stepfather!!!

Vavroch: ...but a stepson!

Vlasta: ( Bends over her mother and speaks into the blankets.) Mother, did youhear that? The cat’s out of the bag. In vain you sheltered me from thearmy. In vain you dressed me in girl’s clothes. Instead of a spatula, asword, instead of a skirt, riding breeches!

Bárta: Vlasta, what are you saying? You’re not Miss Mach? You’re Mr. Mach?You’re not Vlasta? You’re Vlasta?!24

Vlasta: Yes, it’s true. That’s why I couldn’t return your faithful love, servantBárta. That’s why I kept asking you about feeding, even though I didn’tgive a shit about it. Though I wouldn’t have said it that crudely when I wasa girl. And at the same time I wanted you so, so much. That is, I wanted.25 Brr, that’s ugly.

Bárta: This is the end...

Vavroch: ( Assuming the play is over, stands up and declares) So ends our comedy...Evil loses... (Vypich stops him.)

Bárta: This is the end. I’ll have to go to another manor, somewhere far away so Ican forget. (Turns his back to the audience and breaks into tears byshrugging his shoulders.)

Vypich: ( Looks him in the eyes) Bárta, servant, are you laughing? ( Looks moreclosely) No, you’re crying! Not a single eye stayed dry. But for me it’senlightening. You see what happens when you’re called to a patient andyou don’t do a thorough examination. I’ve been treating Vlasta for infected

ovaries since childhood. But her mother was here all the time: listen,doctor, just on her back...

Vavroch: Isn’t that something, Vogeltanz! Where are you? So it’s all over and donewith, right?

24 The name Vlasta is something like Pat in English: it can be both masculine and feminine.25 The joke here is that the verb ending changes from feminine to masculine.



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Vogeltanz: Why? It doesn’t bother me. When you fall in love at first sight, you have totake the one you’ve chosen as she lives and breathes. We’ll live inBudě jovice, now it’s certain.

Vavroch: Wait, you have to carry out your duty now and take Vlasta away to thearmy.

Vogeltanz: Certainly. But to Budě jovice. We’ll be there together. I’ll make sure thatthey don’t send her somewhere in Slovakia. We’ll both be in one regiment.And while you were gabbing here, I came up with an idea for a weddinggift: a songbird.26 Our happiness needs to always be accompanied by thesong of birds.

Vavroch: (From the glances of others determines that it’s his turn to speak. ) Yes.The seagull. I remember.

Vypich: Wait, Vavroch...

Vavroch: (Pushes him away and fearlessly walks out to the apron.) I shall neverforget you. I shall always remember you as I saw you that bright day – doyou recall it? – a week ago, when you wore your light dress, and we talkedtogether, and the white seagull lay on the bench beside us.

( Along with the applause which rewards this popular monologue, the enraged invalid

Karásek quickly enters.)

Director: I’ve come to see if the fire in your stove has gone out. Well, yes, it hasgone out. What are you going to do about that, Vavroch?

Vavroch: Maybe it should still be burning?

Director: And what should be burning in it?

Vavroch: Old newspapers?

Director: Well, it would certainly work with newspapers. But what about someofficial documents? Do you think they would burn?

Vavroch: ( Bats himself in the forehead as he realizes) I see that the fire in the stovehas gone out. Where is the will?

26 In the original, a chandelier, which leads Vavroch into a passage from “Lucerna”. “Yes. The lamp, yes.I’ll light the way for you princess.” And then, “But I won’t surrender this linden! It’s been in our familyfrom time immemorial! It’s grown for centuries. How could I let it lose its leaves where birds rest andsing.”



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Vypich: Wait, wait, Vavroch. We only have to change one little word in the willand Vlasta inherits everything as a man. As soon as her mother corrects itwith her own hand.

Vavroch: (Walks over to the bed and pulls the limp hand out from under theblankets) With this own hand? ( Lets it go and the arm drops) I think thatyour plan has failed, Dr. Vypich!

Vypich: (Grabs the inkwell and a pen.) That has yet to be seen. (Takes the hangingarm and places a pen–holder between its fingers.) Mother, cross out“daughter” and in its place write “son.”

Vavroch: What’s that. It didn’t move an inch.

Vypich: Ah, perhaps you can’t see very well. We’ll move closer to the light.(Vypich pulls mother’s arm out to the apron of the stage and hides hismachinations from Vavroch with his back.) She’s already crossed it outand is writing it herself. Good: ‘s’, ‘o’... She still has beautiful handwriting.Now ‘n’... It’s written.

Vavroch: I beg your pardon. No one will accept that. Why you’re moving her handyourself!

Vypich: Not at all. Mother’s doing it all by herself! (The pen–holder falls to the

ground.) You see? Now she let go of the pen–holder by herself. We’ll giveit back to you again. Don’t wear yourself out... And we’ll write on.

Vavroch: No one will accept that. It’s clearly a fraud.

Vypich: We’ve got witnesses to it. Isn’t that right, servant Bárta?

Bárta: Don’t drag me into this anymore. I’m going to another manor, somewherefar, far away...

Vogeltanz: I’ll gladly attest to it for you. Though wealth doesn’t play a very large role

in love at first sight, a rich bride is always better than a poor one.

Vavroch: Well that’s certainly a disappointment. And I loved her so. No, not you.That’s Bárta’s line. ( Realizes what has happened and motions angrily at the director cueing backstage.)

Bárta: Well that’s certainly a disappointment. And I loved her so. Because of her Ifed the animals like an idiot, since she was always so interested in it...



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Vogeltanz: You see? That’s how it goes, he loves her from childhood and then somelittle thing happens to Vlasta and the love just disappears.

Vypich: And so there it is. To my son. Yes, with an ‘o’ not a ‘u’. And you keepsaying that she’s not active. And how well she remembers her spelling. Andthere we have it... to my only son Vlasta. Well, stylistically it’s a littlelacking in refinement, but we can’t make a writer out of mother overnight.

Vavroch: No one will accept it. Look, the arm is completely dead. (Takes mother’sarm from Vypich and demonstrates its limpness.)

Vypich: (Pulls her hand away) A dead arm, you say? A dead arm??? (Smacks himwith the arm) You call this a dead arm?!

Vogeltanz: Well, I’ll still measure Vlasta... (Takes her measurements with a tailor’stape measure.) The people in the supply depot ask us to do it. One hundredand seventy centimeters! A soldier like a maiden. And in the waist sixty!We’ll have to put some new holes in the belt, Vlasta. Like an hourglass. I’dbetter let out the jacket in the rear, no? And here under the arms we’llmake it looser so it doesn’t pinch you. Of course the pants shouldn’t dragon the ground. A tight–fitting pant leg... Which leg do you usually put it in?

Vlasta: I don’t know. I never wore pants.

Vogeltanz: So we’ll shove him on the left.

Vavroch: (Clutches his hands to his heart ) So ends our comedy. Evil loses and goodlives free. I see it does your heart so rend...

Director: (Enters and attacks Vavroch) Doesn’t Helga by chance have any friends? Alawyer perhaps?

Vavroch: A lawyer? She does! Of course she does. Helga, my friends, has lots of friends. And one of them is a lawyer. And he’ll file a complaint against youfor falsifying the will.

Vlasta: ( After the measurements are finished sits down on the bed next to her mother.) Doctor, mother wants to speak to you.

Vypich: ( Bends over the heavy quilt again) What’s that, mother? (Puts his ear tothe pillow and immediately jumps up) What’s that?! ( Again bends over and jumps up) No!!! Really? That’s unbelievable! That time in June in thehay? And are you sure? She’s sure. Friends, what I just found outcompletely changes the situation and all the family relationships.



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Vlasta: What did she tell you, doctor? Don’t keep us in suspense.

(Vypich makes a dramatic pause before his speech which confuses Vavroch who takesVypich’s text from the prompter.)

Vavroch: As a young, inexperienced doctor I rode to this manor...

(From backstage the director wallops Vavroch across the back with a broom and Vavroch is quiet.)

Vypich: As a young, inexperienced doctor I rode to this manor more often than mymedical responsibilities commanded. Mother – we called her Stázička –was a real beauty back then. June, the smell of hay in the meadows, Mach

stinking in a bar, and we two... in brief, Vlasta, I’m your father.

Vlasta: Doctor... Daddy!

Vypich: It should have occurred to me that you weren’t his child. Friends, Machhad such a low sperm count that seeing it under the microscope made melaugh.

Vlasta: So that’s why mother held onto that irrelevant sentence.

Vypich: That’s it: “to her daughter and her father.” So I inherit half the estate! Isn’t

that something...

Vavroch: Wait, wait, I can do that too, that same thing. Look... (Exactly like thedoctor a moment earlier he goes over to the bed and repeats the scene.)What, mother? What’s that? No!!! That time in June? On the straw in thesty? And are you sure? It’s certain? It’s dead certain. I inherit half theestate.

Vogeltanz: I wanted to leave already, but now I see that I’m going to have to wait alittle while to find out which of these fathers is going to walk down theaisle with Vlasta.

Vavroch: (Clutches his hands to his heart.) So ends our comedy. Evil loses and goodlives free. I see...

Director: (Frothing at the mouth comes out from the wings and chases Vavrocharound the stage in his wheelchair.) We curious invalids can stand a lot,but when we’ve had enough, we’ve had enough. Such a beautiful play andhe completely destroys it! You ham of all hams, what do you want thatbloody money for?! (With these words drives Vavroch off the stage.)



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Vypich: (Calls after him to the wings) Vavroch, it’s your word against our word.(Fleeing from the invalid, Vavroch flies onto the stage from the oppositeside. He is welcomed by applause.) You claim you’re the father, I claimI’m the father. Of course, the deciding thing is inherited traits. ServantBárta, you’re an impartial observer. Fix your eye on us. (Vypich standsnext to Vlasta) Do you notice any common characteristic in us both?

Vlasta: Bárta, dear servant, your vision will now decide if I’m the doctor’s orVavroch’s!

Bárta: I don’t know. I’ve only got one eye and besides I’m leaving for anothermanor. (Vainly grasps for the handle of the painted door.)

Vogeltanz: Doctor, the old woman in bed, my mother–in–law actually, wantssomething from you.

Vypich: ( Again listens to the quilts and declares to the others) What’s that? Youwere always afraid that it would come out? That what would come out?What kind of speech impediment? What in the name of god are yougibbering about? The poor thing, she’s losing her mind.

Vlasta: Father, doctor, mother’s right. It’s only become clear to me just now. Whywe both slur our s’s like two peas in a pod!

Vypich: Really? Let’s give it a go: say Susie.

Vlasta: Susie.

Vypich: Hurray! It’s my son! You’ve lost, Vavroch. Say Susie, you chicken!

Vavroch: I’ll kill my teacher Jandera! I slurred my s’s perfectly until the fourth grade.But it was always: She sells seashells... and now my inheritance is screwed.

(Clutches his hands to his heart and inquisitively looks off to the wings – where thedirector sits – to see whether he has started the long–awaited final speech prematurely.

The director comes out on the stage and nods his assent.)

So ends – at least I hope – our comedyEvil loses and good lives free.I see it does your heart so rendthat our play has such a happy end.In life that’s not always the way –good stumbles and sin carries the day.And so I say at every shtetl:the world’ll be better with our mettle.



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It’s no use to say a prayer or two.Everything depends on us and on you.( Looks to the rows on the left.)But mainly on you.

The End

the stand in 4

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