REFLECTIONS

The Square and Semi-Circle of Existence: An ExperientialAccount of Development of Self Awareness

Sahana Mitra

Received: 12 October 2012 /Accepted: 6 November 2013# National Academy of Psychology (NAOP) India 2013

Abstract The paper is an experiential account of my journeythrough life and a study of different roles I play in my life whichhas ledme to come upwith the ‘square of existence’. This squaredetails upon shared identity and how eventually the process ofdetachment is born which gives a more objective perspective tolife. Three layers of emotions - anger, prayer and surrender whichdeveloped as a result of these processes and further pavedway for the ‘semi circle of existence’. The semi circle comesto life only when we live truly in the square of existence andfollow the meditative path of connecting and responding. Thepaper discusses various life aspects relating to detachment,surrender and meditation inspired by the teachings of SriAurobindo, The Mother and Sant Kabir and how they affectour way of being and becoming, thus laying foundation for ahealthy psychological and emotional development.

Keywords Identity . Detachment . Vigilance .Meditation

In simple words, perception means to make sense of theenvironment by adding our own set of interpretations to it.The interpretations which are influenced by the society andthe culture we belong to, the kind of people we encounter andthe expectations of others. This gives meaning to the stimulusbut doesn’t add to the holistic understanding of the givensituation and as a result, the definition of perception justremains in its restricted domain. The present paper is theoutcome of moving away from usual way of perceiving thingsand finding my uniqueness, growth and objective viewpointin the midst of all the subjectivities. In this effort, I was guided

by the teachings of Sant Kabir, Sri Aurobindo and TheMother. Their path of perception led to my self- discoveryand created awareness of how to look for the peace and theDivine within. As understood by the teachings of The Mother(1958),1 “the ideal way to feel the fragrance of the Divine is tointrospect and silence the thoughts to keep in touch with everpresent inner reality. In this silence, the peace unfolds”.Similar is the message of the Bhagwad Gita and of theUpanishads : “I’m in the heart of every being, look for methere, I am you”2. My exploration with the inner self was aculmination of these afterthoughts and thus, I embarked onmyspiritual journey. As quoted by Jung (1958), “Who looksoutside—dreams. Who looks inside–-awakens” became thequintessence of my life. At a time when I was disillusionedwith life and its purpose, this thought triggered a chain ofthought in me. This process of realization was testimonial ofmy ignorance towards my inner voice. Nevertheless, it wasthere, pervasive than ever. I could not accuse anyone butmyself for losing all these years. I repeatedly kept askingmyself as to why I disregarded the voice from within andmade it dormant. Inexplicably, I found myself being operatedby this imponderable ignorance. The ignorance, an aftermathof the expectations others had of me when I was growing up;the efforts I always made to appease others; and the assistanceI always offered others to a point of puttingmy individuality atstake. I couldn’t help but felt exploited in the end. I foundsolace in the words of The Mother (1958)3 “when one gets

1 The Mother. (1958). Collected Works of The Mother: Questions andAnswers 1957–58, 9 , 422–23. Sri Aurobindo Ashram Publication Dept,Pondicherry.2 The dating of Hindu scriptures, as of pre-medieval South Asian historygenerally, is uncertain and controversial. A conventional consensuswould put the final forms of the Upanishads and Bhagwad Gita at around400 to 200 BCE.3 The Mother. (1958). Collected Works of The Mother: Questions andAnswers, 3 , 215. Sri Aurobindo Ashram Publication Dept, Pondicherry.

S. Mitra (*)School of Social Sciences, Tata Institute of Social Sciences, Mumbai,H.No 47,2nd Floor, Sec 35, Ashoka Enclave 3,Faridabad 121003, Indiae-mail: sahanamtr@gmail.com

Psychol StudDOI 10.1007/s12646-013-0223-9

discouraged by your own faults, whatever the ignorance inwhich one might have lived, one carries deep within oneselfthe supreme purity which can be translated itself into a won-derful realization. The whole point is to think of that, toconcentrate on that and not to be concerned with all difficul-ties and obstacles and hindrances. Concentrate exclusively onwhat you want to be, forget as entirely possible what you donot want to be”. From ignorance, emerged my first concept ofthe square of existence . The square incorporates my duties;the expectations of others; my societal and professional roles.Personally, the four corners of the square highlight the fourroles for me, that of a daughter, a sister, a teacher and a friend.I think this square is meaningful to most of us when we aregrowing up and how our thoughts and opinions are canvassedwith respect to the four corners of the square. Expectations wehave from ourselves as well as others have from us becomethe boundaries of the square and slowly, with the way ofliving, we all become part and parcel of this square of exis-tence. Though I’ll always be the part of this square but theawareness to both disregard my inner voice for an extensiveperiod of time and then gain an insight to operate closely withmy ideal self was profound. This gave me the strength tocreate and maintain a space for myself in the midst of all thehappenings ofmy life. Sri Aurobindo (1958)4 says, “When thesoul is meant to go forward and there is an external weak-ness…., circumstances do come…to help the external beingagainst itself….there must be a truly sincere aspiration behind;otherwise it does not happen”. Therefore, when the timearrives to connect to oneself, things begin to turn over and asense of inclination and direction is summoned by somethingin us that initiates the journey of self awareness. This is whatSant Kabir says,

Sitting alert in every manDirects his actionIn whichever way he wants to goGives him that notion(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 5)

This is where I truly felt like giving voice and strength tomy feelings and thoughts rather than passively giving in towhat others asked me to do. There is an ingrained componentin all of us that waits to guide and lead us but our ignorance orstrong belief in mind and its rationalities refrain us fromlistening to our inner self. So, when the courage is garneredto listen to it, the guidance follows through. Here, I want toquote some beautiful lines of poetry by Sant Kabir whichhighlight how we search the divine outside us in different

forms, places and people but in reality it’s within us, waitingfor us to call and extend our faith in it.

Like fragrance in the heart of the flowerIn you the lord dwellsMusk is in the navel of the deerLike deer you seek him in the grass.The lord dwells in the heart of every men.Like the pupil in the eyeFools this wisdom never gainThey seek him far and nighIf you want to see the faceYou must keep the mirror cleanBut if the mirror is kept uncleanYou cannot see the face thereinYou have the mirror in your heartBut the face you cannot findYou can see the visage thereIf you dispel the doubts of the mind(Translated G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 6–7)

After realizing the essence of the power that lies within me,I also became cognizant with the significance of the myriad ofnegative and positive experiences that I had in my life, thus,forming the dimensions of the square of existence , I was livingin. It’s was like watching all the life experiences as a fallenfruit, how each fruit has contributed meaning to life and thenwithered away.What’s left is how a person has grown out of it,just like the branches of the tree trying to reach the sky. Theseperspectives gave me the courage to rise from all pain andanger and aspire to be a person, who is closer to his/her innerself, where all the ego, pride and desires dissolve, so that I cantruly evolve.

Fringes of the Square

The fringes of the square of existence are built with twothings. First , with the layers of pains, sufferings, betrayals,friendships, happiness, successes and the array of life epi-sodes, which all add to my awareness that there is more toobservation than mere perception. For instance, Sant Kabirexpresses similar sentiments in his poetry:

Unseen, unknown to everyoneIs the red in ‘Mehndi’ foliageSo the Lord dwells in every beingBut beyond anybody’s gaze(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 9)

The leaf of the mehndi plant is green in color but when it’sapplied to the palms of our hands, it leaves a lasting red color.Similarly, the experiences of our life appear stressful or

4 Sri Aurobindo. (1958). Sri Aurobindo Birth Centenary Library, Letterson Yoga: Part two and three, 23 , 550. Sri Aurobindo Ashram PublicationDept, Pondicherry.

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blissful but each carries a distinct meaning and tends toenlighten us of who we are and what we aspire to be.Second , I also experienced that the fringes are governed bydiverse roles, responsibilities, customs, and by differentphases of detachment. In reflection, the process of detachmentfor me, started with its own set of pendulum feelings. Eitherbeing intensely involved in situations or becoming a witnessto situations (i.e., being an objective observer). I also made aneffort to step back (emotionally from the situation) instead ofreacting immediately. Changing the way I respond to situa-tions helped me to know what kind of reaction was desired inthe given situation i.e., from cultivating silence to beingassertive. In same line of thought, these are the three steps ofdetachment processes proposed by Sri Aurobindo (1958),5

“firstly, a sort of witness attitude in which the inner conscious-ness looks at all that happens as a spectator or observer,observing things but not taking any active interest or pleasurein them. Secondly, a state of neutral equanimity in which thereis neither a sense of joy nor sorrow, only quietude and thirdly,a sense of being something separate from all that happens,observing it but not part of it. And when, through completedetachment one reaches the state of wanting nothing, one tapsthe unfailing inner source of eternal and unfading happiness—which is not based upon the objects of the world but issustained by self knowledge and self realization”. Still thereweremany stressful times inmy journey, where it was difficultto be an observer. I was led to be an intensely involved actor inthe situation and the result was losing the balance of myresponses and giving in to all the preposterous suggestionsof my mind, making the whole experience or the situation amiserable one. Many times this pendulum of detachment andinvolvement failed to move and I continued to do the things inthe conditioned patterns of my upbringing. Sant Kabir aptlysummarizes the situation in his writing:

Attachment is like a tempting womanBewitches even the wise manDoes not although drivenTries to hit again and again(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 122)

As I had a strong faith in the Divine but at the same timethere was this fear of losing myself again. As if I was stuck inthe dichotomy of a pendulum (of involvement and detachmentwith the circumstances). In the midst of satisfaction too, Ifound myself confused.

In this endeavor, to be mentally focused on what I had toaccomplish, I needed constant reminders from myself. Sowhen I succeeded in giving voice to my inner self, it was

followed with a reward. It could be eating my favorite dessert,watching a movie or buying a dress or book. The self rein-forcement was a good way to keep the strength and focus onthe path I had chosen for myself. Therefore, detachmenthelped me to put things and situations in perspective therebyadding clarity to my thoughts & feelings. Though there waslot of resistance from those close to me, as they observedchanges in me but I chose to communicate what I felt at thatpoint of time and continued doing what I felt was right.Communication did make things easier for me, an aspectwhich I always sidelined in the process of growing up. Bybeing a detached observer, I dint mean to stop caring for thosewho were intimate to me. Rather I was a part of their life, andoperated with the realization that things perish at a certainpoint of time and that everything and everyone has a certainrole to play in our life. It was more like finding the sourcewithin to converse with. Thus, we are here to perform ourduty, connect with the self and reinforce it in every aspect oflife. Sri Aurobindo (1958)6 aptly summarized this thought inhis writing, “The relationship with the soul is a different one,the most intimate relationship that you will ever experience.Source never leaves you, never lies to you and never makes youfeel guilty. It’s youwho define yourworld and creates the doubtsin mind and in turn, the difficulties. You come from the source,you exist from the source and someday you return to thesource”. Therefore, the whole process of detachment not onlygave me more control of life but made me emotionally strongeras a person to listen to my inner feelings rather than simplybeing swayed by the situations or what people had to say.

Shared Identity and the Center of the Square

Finding my uniqueness in the midst of the relationships Ishared and then reflecting on my strengths and weaknesseswithin this nexus, gave me a foothold on my personal identityvis-a-vis the identity I share with others. This was a complexyet an intriguing process. As The Mother (1958)7 rightly said,“In all Scriptures meant to help mankind to progress, it isalways said that you must be very grateful to those who showyour faults”. Sharing different aspects of my personal andprofessional life with others, helped me shape my identityand gave me insights into my strengths and weaknesses.This part is what I call the shared identity, which serves as abase to know my anchoring points, what I strive for andconnect me to the larger purpose of finding the Divine within.All the experiences of life become meaningful due to the

5 Sri Aurobindo. (1958). Sri Aurobindo Birth Centenary Library, Letterson Yoga : Part two and three , 23 , 1002. Sri Aurobindo AshramPublication Dept, Pondicherry.

6 Sri Aurobindo. (1958). Sri Aurobindo Birth Centenary Library, In BasicRequisites of Path, Letters on Yoga: Part two and three, 23 , 548–49. SriAurobindo Ashram Publication Dept, Pondicherry.7 The Mother. (1958). In Collected Works of The Mother: Questions andAnswers (1977), 3 , 220–21. Sri Aurobindo Ashram Publication Dept,Pondicherry.

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presence of others, making the journey worth aspiring for.Both my concept of the square of existence and brieflydiscussed semi-circle of existence would not have been bornif others were not part of my life and added their set ofexperiences. Eventually, I started observing the kind of effectmy actions had on others, which led me to modify my actionsand reactions. As captured by Sant Kabir in his quote,

Seeing the wood-cutter come at itThe tree does start up and say“He will fell me-let him doBut what of the birds that stay?”(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 89)

Therefore, what I learnt from the sense of personal andshared identity is that the more one responds with anequanimous state of mind to others and takes care of one’sspeech, the more is one is at peace with oneself. Initially it wasan exacting process as I strived to maintain a balance in myresponses vis-a-vis my thoughts and feelings. It’s only withconstant practice and vigilance, this process became effortless.By vigilance, I mean what The Mother (1958)8 describes as“two kinds of vigilance, active and passive. The passivevigilance that gives you warning if you’re about to make amistake, if you’re making a wrong choice, if you’re beingweak or allowing yourself to be tempted, and there is an activevigilance which seeks an opportunity to progress, seeks toutilize every circumstance to advance more quickly. There isa difference between preventing yourself from falling andadvancing more quickly and both are absolutely necessary”. Irealized that these two vigilances guided by our inner voice thathelps us respond to different situations. For example, passivevigilance prevented me from reacting in an aggressive mannerwhen I was irritated or frustrated by people or situation. Passivevigilance also stopped me from making that call to somebodyout of desperation. As I consciously practiced listening to boththe passive and active vigilances, slowly this process becameautomatic. The result was that I became aware of the processeswithin me and better equipped to handle them and thus, itbrought peace within me, which started finding its expressionin my relationships too. In our normal life, we are so preoccu-pied with external stimuli that we lose connection with our trueself. As we becomemore attuned to this awareness, we begin toget closer to understand our reality. Sant Kabir expresses thissentiment rather too well in the following couplet:

Do so meditate on the LordThe flow of it will not drainDo die that death O, my friend,

You shall not die again(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 78)

The next reflection that I got while attaining peace with thehelp ofmeditation was not only limited to closingmy eyes andconcentrating, but the square was also filled with the multi-colored dots of meditative experiences generated from exer-cises such as long walks, cooking food, painting, or cleaningthe house. This became a two way process of helping othersout by my own set of meditative choices while giving our-selves a chance to be with our own self.

Building of the Semi Circle within the Square of Existence

Observing how we think and learning to modify it is the firststep towards connecting to oneself. It’s imperative that onebegins this process by analyzing one’s strengths and weak-nesses, to create the awareness of how one’s actions affectothers, to be conscious of each and every moment that is lived.This lays the foundation towards self awareness and helps ustoo strive for the self which we aspire to be. In this process ofdetachment and being self aware person, I observed that it isthe mind that is most difficult to handle. It gives out variedsuggestions, is full of reasons and logic and creates emotionsthat are many times not compatible to the situation or peoplethe one faces. Yet, I allowed myself to be perturbed by themind. Like Sant Kabir says,

Like monkey of the magicianMan is slave to mind;It makes it dance to its tuneAnd keeps him tied, you find.(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 45)

With time, I realized that though there were many sugges-tions given by my mind but then I always had a choice toselect the thought that is healthier for me. Similarly SriAurobindo (1910)9 pointed out, “If the thoughts and emotionsthat arise in the mind are taken as suggestions then one is freebut if they are allowed to become the commands then onebecomes slave to them”. Most of the time, I was giving in tothese suggestions of the mind and the outcome was cata-strophic. So, I decided to let the thoughts pass through themind and try not to stick to them or respond to it for a while. Itis just like letting the sand slip from the palm of your handsand not trying too hard to hold it. This helped me to discernwhether the reaction to the situation or to the person is reallyrequired. It’s our conscious experience of each moment thatallows us to observe the mind, its nature and the direction ofour thoughts and emotions.

8 The Mother. (1958). In Collected Works of The Mother: Questions andAnswers (1977), 3 , 202–03. Sri Aurobindo Ashram Publication Dept,Pondicherry.

9 Sri Aurobindo. (1910). In Essays in Philosophy & Yoga (1919–1950),13, 15. Sri Aurobindo Ashram Publication Dept, Pondicherry.

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If we close our eyes and just observe the thoughts that arisein our mind, it’s the inner awareness that allows us to noticethese thought patterns. Initially, it’s easy for us to get swayedby these patterns and not be able to observe them, but withtime we can begin to recognize and distinguish the observerand actor as two distinct parts in us. All this practice of lettinggo of the thoughts, not giving in to each suggestion of mymind, helped me to choose the desired thought and deselectthe others as unnecessary. I’m still not able to discard the futilethoughts that disturb me many times but now I’m able torecognize the futility of them and an able to let them go.Sant Kabir says,

Countless are the waves of oceanSo are waves of mind,When waves abate and mind steadiesDiamonds grow there to find(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 48)

Similarly, Sri Aurobindo (1958)10 pointed out, “in everygreat or serious human effort, there is always bound to bean abundance of adverse interventions and unfavorable cir-cumstances which have to be overcome. To give importanceincreases their power to multiply themselves which gives themthe habit of coming back. To face them with equanimity-if onecannot manage a cheerful persistence against them of confi-dent and resolute will-diminishes on contrary, their importanceand effect and in the end, gets rid of their persistence andrecurrence”. When I started recognizing the disturbingthoughts, that recognition itself diminished the strength ofthese thoughts and slowly they became less effective. Assummarized by Sri Aurobindo (1958),11 “What we have with-in us creates the circumstances outside us”. This made meembark on a journey to create a nature of strong will, compas-sion and humility against all odds. And with this, I startedrewarding myself each time I was able to stick to the decisionmade to operate closely tomy inner self. This gaveme strengthto be with the choices made and to dissuade the negativepatterns of my behavior and thoughts.

The Bridge Between Square & Semi-Circle of Existence:The Three Layered Process of Emotions

The awareness of stable responding, of being conscious ineach and every act I did and the process of stepping back,

made me realize a particular pattern in my square of existence.The pattern where the first stage is of anger, characterized bynegativity if the relationship has turned sour or happiness andwishful thinking, if the relationship still exists. The secondstage is of prayer, that is, where one feels positive for allbeings and one prays for them, even if they wronged us. Andthe third stage is of surrender, the pattern of not praying foranyone in particular at all but surrendering to the Divine totake care of them and also having full faith that whateverhappens, there is a reason pertaining to it which unveils itselfwhen the time is right. This three layered process of emotionswas intensely felt during the few months when I was workingon this project. It was an awakening and made me realize thatif we drop anger, life and its meaning are much clearer to usrather than just sticking on to the first and the second phase ofthree layers of emotions. The first two stages exaggerate theemotions and cloud our vision making us believe that we areunique and that nobody understands us. We are left alone withoneself to understand our predicament. This sentiment isechoed in a couplet of Sant Kabir, who says,

Alone the lion roams in the forestThinks it is all his domainLike that the mind roams on the earthThinking it is all its own.(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 119)

Initially, the transition from each stage, for me, took a lot oftime but now the movement through the stages is quicker,making life a lighter process to deal with. This was in contrastto the predominant thought processes I had in the past whenall the troubles and worries were a major part of my life. It wasa movement away from feeling a victim of the situation tobeing the survivor of the circumstances. Therefore, surrendergave me a sense of relief and a guilt free perspective whichfreed me of taking the responsibility of everything that goeson in my life.

In the midst of the shift from a constant pendulum ofattachment and intense involvement in the situation to a stageof calm responding, I felt a strong sense of distancing fromvarious events and people inmy life. It was like standing in thecenter of a semi circle and observing people who are at thesame distance and more importantly, feeling the same kind oflove for each individual. It was more like empatheticresponding that gave me a sense of peace and at times,confusion of what was the right thing to feel. I decided toremain in this state for a while to see its effect on my relation-ships. By standing in the midst of this semi circle, I looked atthe vastness of the being that lies ahead; I begin to realize thathow each event in my life is important and equally unimpor-tant at the same time. It helped me to look at the triviality ofthe situation in contrast to the intensity of what I had feltearlier. Therefore, with the experience of vastness and shared

10 Sri Aurobindo. (1958). Sri Aurobindo Birth Centenary Library, InLetters on Yoga : Part four, 24 , 1696. Sri Aurobindo AshramPublication Dept, Pondicherry.11 Sri Aurobindo. (1958). Sri Aurobindo Birth Centenary Library, Letterson Yoga: Part four, 24, 1403. Sri Aurobindo Ashram Publication Dept,Pondicherry

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identity, the phase was also marked by anger for losing theability to step back and not being able to silence the mind. Stillwith the strong faith in the Divine, I believe, the guidancecomes through, which takes us out of the entangling situationsof life. As Sant Kabir says,

Deep and strong is not my loveNor have I a beauteous faceI do not know my Beloved’s waysAnd if I can get his grace(Translated by G.N. Das, 1991, pp. 19)

While the feeling of being in the midst of a semi circle wasbrief, once you get that essence, life seems less of a burden andmore of a pleasure to live with and experience peace.With thestages of anger, prayer and surrender to the Divine love , one’ssole duty is to aspire for the stage where all the happiness andsadness unify and to believe strongly what one really wants tobe. The journey of self awareness and growth is non linear innature, that is, like a spiral. It takes the shape of the spiral dueto the struggles, the successes and the setbacks in life that pullus into conditioned patterns of behaving and thinking whichmakes the journey of self awareness slow and full of chal-lenges. It requires efforts to be more synchronous with ourinner being and also necessary to be compassionate to oneself.This helps in the process of highlighting the strengths in usand gives certain predominance to our inner voice to createawareness for the path that is destined to be discovered.

The paper, by providing the reflections on self awarenessand detachment, is also an attempt to add to the literature andto the field of psychology to look at perception from a differ-ent outlook. It also seeks to explore how things are perceivedand what can be done with that interpretation to enhance thephysical, emotional and psychological well being. The jour-ney of self awareness is inimitable and unique for each personand creates positive impact and strength to all the dimensionsof our way of being and becoming. This understanding creat-ed a determination in me to share my learning of the medita-tive choices made, the development of guilt free perspective indecision making and the non linear nature of self develop-ment, with others.

Acknowledgments The paper was inspired by being the participant ofthe course in Indian Psychology conducted by Indian Psychology Insti-tute, Puducherry under the guidance of Matthijs Cornelissen and NeeltjeHuppes. I’m grateful to their presence and support throughout thejourney. Later, the paper was presented in the National Confer-ence on “Individual & Collective Transformation: Insights from IndianPsychology” in 2011 New Delhi, India.

References

Das, G. N. (1991). Couplets from Kabir. Delhi: Motilal BanarsidassPublishers Pvt Ltd.

Jung, C. G. (1958). The undiscovered self . USA: New American LibraryPub.

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