THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES FOR

MAKING MARRIAGE

WORKSaadia Z. Yunus, MA, MFT

ICNA-MAS Convention 2012

WHAT IS MFT? Marriage and family therapy is one of the

core mental health disciplines and is based on the research and theory that mental illness and family problems are best treated in a family context.

Trained in psychotherapy and family systems, marriage and family therapists focus on understanding their clients’ symptoms and interaction patterns within their existing environment.

Whomever the client, Family Therapists treat from a relationship perspective that incorporates family systems.  (AAMFT.org)

MARRIAGE IN ISLAM "It is He who created you from a single soul,

And made its mate of like nature in order that you might dwell with him/her in love...."(7:189) So the male and female complete each other - together they make a single self and this is how they must strive to make their lives together - as if they are one being, one person, one spirit.

The Qur'an says: "Your spouses are a garment for you, and you are a garment for them" (2:187)

“THE SEVEN PRINCIPLES…”

Dr. John Gottman & Nan Silver The Seattle Love Lab Decades of research Predicting divorce with 91%

accuracy Happy marriages are

emotionally intelligent marriages

MARRIAGES HEADING FOR DIVORCE Harsh startup

When a conversation leads with sarcasm, bitterness, negativity, etc.

The Four Horseman: Criticism: adds negative words to a complaint

about spouse’s character or personality Contempt: conveys disgust Defensiveness: really a way of blaming spouse Stonewalling: tuning your spouse out

Flooding Spouse’s negativity is so overwhelming, a feeling

of being shell-shocked Body Language

Heart rate, blood pressure, adrenaline Failed Repair Attempts

Efforts made by couples to deescalate tension

PRINCIPLE 1: ENHANCE YOUR LOVE MAPS Love map: that part of your brain where

you store all the relevant info about your spouse’s life

Knowing each others’ goals, worries, hopes “The more you know and understand

about each other, the easier it is to keep connected as life swirls around you”

Love Maps Questionnaire Ex.: I can tell you what stresses my partner is

currently facing. Ex.: My spouse is familiar with my hopes and

aspirations

PRINCIPLE 2: NURTURE YOUR FONDNESS AND ADMIRATION Feeling that your spouse is worthy of

honor and respect Focus on the past and how your

marriage started out “Having a positive view of your spouse

and marriage is a powerful buffer for when bad times hit”

Remind yourself of your spouse’s positive qualities

Exercises in book

PRINCIPLE 3: TURN TOWARD EACH OTHER INSTEAD OF AWAY

Having small moments of connection Letting your spouse know he/she is

valued during the grind of everyday life Creating an emotional bank account for

future tough times Turning towards each other in little ways

every day vs. a vacation or candlelight dinner

Exercises in book

PRINCIPLE 4: LET YOUR PARTNER INFLUENCE YOU Women tend to accept their spouse’s

influence more than men Men who allow their wives to influence

them have happier marriages and are less likely to divorce

Let your spouse influence your decision-making by taking his/her opinions and feelings into account

Convey honor and respect when it comes to power-sharing and decision-making

Exercises in book

PRINCIPLE 5: SOLVE YOUR SOLVABLE PROBLEMS Two types of marital conflict:

Solvable problems Perpetual problems

Be able to tell the difference and understand that you don’t have to solve all of your problems

How do you solve your solvable problems?1. Soften your startup2. Learn to make and receive repair attempts3. Soothe yourself and each other4. Compromise5. Be tolerant of each others’ faults

PRINCIPLE 6: OVERCOME GRIDLOCK Gridlock

The conflict makes you feel rejected by your partner

You keep talking about it but make no progress

You are unwilling to budgeWhen you discuss, you feel more frustrated

Don’t try to solve the problem; move from gridlock to dialogue

Gridlock is a sign that you have dreams for your life that aren’t being addressed or respected

PRINCIPLE 7: CREATE SHARED MEANING Sharing a deep sense of what is

meaningful about your lives together A crucial goal of any marriage is to

create an atmosphere that encourages each person to talk honestly about his/her convictions

Islam—afterlife—earning Jannah together

Reminding each other of your true purpose

A team against Shaytaan Family rituals, symbols, roles

CONCLUSION Successful marriages have a higher

ratio of positivity vs. negativity Many ayaat in Qur’an discuss living with

one another in tranquility Mawaddah and Rahma=Love and mercy Invest in your marriage Islam encourages seeking help if things

get too difficult—therapy, counseling Prophet (S) was the best therapist www.therapistlocator.net