the seven principles for making marriage work by john ...s… · learning about the seven...
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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by
John Gottman and Nat Silver
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The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman and Nat Silver
The Love Lab: The inner workings of happy marriage
A fictional apartment equipped with working kitchen, sofas, television, etc. where couples would stay
overnight and experience a typical weekend of their lives, monitored by cameras and body sensors. This
was the Seattle Love Lab, where advanced research into romantic relationships was conducted.
Before the studies conducted in this laboratory, scientific data on marriages and relationships was almost
nonexistent - even the most respected professionals had little else to go on other than their own
experience, their opinion, or even religious beliefs.
As it turns out what keeps couples afloat is a set of dynamics that maintain their positive thoughts and
emotions about each other above the negative ones. This can be called an emotionally intelligent
relationship, and it’s the difference between a thriving and a failing marriage.
You may ask yourself if your marriage (or relationship) is worth saving. Chances are that it is. One of the
main reason marriages fail is because, for a great period of time, both parties involved take the
relationship for granted. They didn’t value the good thing that they had, and ended up losing it.
Some benefits of being in a thriving marriage include an average of four years more in your lifespan and a
boost in your immune system. The opposite also applies; a rough marriage decreases your defenses and
your lifespan, same as a divorce, which is usually a stressful, unpleasant event.
The research that existed on marriage before the author started investigating was, science-wise, very poor.
That’s because most of them were based, for example, on self-report, which is not a good scientific
measure for these types of issues. The author however has decades of experience working with couples as
well as using scientific methods (physiological measures, interviews, and extensive follow-ups) to
uncover the workings of marriage, and in particular successful marriages. These scientific methods are the
cornerstone for the seven principles for making marriage work, which can also be used for couple’s
therapy.
Many people who have had trouble with their relationships seek advice from friends, family and even TV
psychologists. Although in good faith, most of the time these helpers can only provide advice or theories,
many of which are now deeply entrenched in popular culture.
Of all of these advices one of the most popular is that communication is the key to a thriving marriage
and, within that, the technique of active listening as means of effective communication. While this
approach works for some couples, between 18 and 36% according to research, by itself it won’t save a
marriage. New research shows happy couples rarely use active listening when they are upset - it is not
their argumentative style that makes them last.
There are other myths about marriage which are very popular and equally incorrect, such as:
Personal issues ruin marriages. Personal issues and psychological problems don’t actually destroy
marriages, everyone has their hot spots. What matters is how this is handled in the context of the
relationship. If Jill has a fear of abandonment then her boyfriend Jack cannot go on a two day trip without
calling her, because this will understandably be a problem. It is the management, not the issue itself that
matters.
The idea that common interests is what keeps couples together is also a myth, as is the idea that marriages
thrive based on a “you scratch my back, I scratch yours” principle.
It is also a myth that you have to talk about every little issue that comes up in the relationship. One
couple, Sophia and Arthur, has a tendency to divert into other things when they get upset. Jim turns on the
movies and Jessica goes to the mall, and in decades of marriages they haven't ever found that to be an
issue, and will tell you with honestly that they have a happy marriage and wish for their kids to get to
enjoy as fulfilling a relationship as they have had.
Also the idea that affairs cause divorce is mistaken. It’s actually marriage problems, like loss of closeness
or trust, which causes affairs in the first place. People then look for that missing trust or closeness on the
outside. Then there’s the idea that men aren’t built for marriage: yet it seems human extramarital
relationships have more to do with opportunity - women being more in the workspace are actually
exceeding men in extramarital affairs, so that’s not the case either.
The main point here is that none of these are the real causes of divorce or of marriage success and that to
believe they are can be discouraging for couples who actually want to improve their marriages. So what
does make marriage work? The key is in the seven principles that successful marriages, consciously or
not, all apply and have in common.
Marital therapy based on these seven principles has a relapse rate of about 20% after nine months, which
is half of what standard marital therapy is (30-50%), very good results.
What actually keeps couples together is akin to a deep sense of friendship, and manifests in something
called “good feeling override”, which means that whatever problem may arise, the positive feelings and
expectations they have of each other usually supersedes the negative ones. And the way to keep this up is
that couples will tend to each other’s likes, dislikes and peculiarities both in big and small ways. By doing
this the sense of friendship remains strong, and it can withstand a lot.
The opposite is also what happens to derailing relationships. Negative emotions, resentment and anger
build up and the partners end up in “bad feeling override” where everything that’s said or acted gets
interpreted as an attack of some sort.
Learning about the seven principles will help you understand why friendship is important in relationships
as well as help you develop the skills to use them in your own.
Attempt to de-escalate. One of the things happy couples do to prevent problems from escalating is an
attempt to de-escalate. This is a gesture or action that is done to prevent tensions in an argument from
getting worse. Let’s see an example: Miranda and Saul are fighting over whether or not they should buy a
bigger home. Things are getting heated because Saul doesn’t think it’s the right time yet, but Miranda
thinks it’s now or never. As the yelling intensifies Miranda approaches Saul and tickles him - he can’t
help but laugh - and she knows he can’t resist that, so they both laugh. Silly as it may have been this small
action prevented a heated argument from getting worse, and is a powerful weapon in the arsenal of any
good couple.
Most marital arguments cannot be resolved. Most marital arguments are not really about whether or
not the toilet lid should be left up, or whose turn is it to wash the dishes. There are actually deeper issues
that fuel these smaller ones and make them more intense than they ought to be. Most of these deeper
issues, which relate to differences in lifestyle and values, can never be resolved.
Knowing what the Seven Principles are, how they prevent failure in marriages or maintain successes will
leave you on your way to improving your own marriage as long as you follow them.
The omens of divorce
There are some accurate ways in which the likelihood of survival of a relationship can be predicted, and
they work by observing how a couple has arguments. The first clue is the rough start. Having a rough
start in an argument basically means that one or both of the partner’s starts by accusing the other, blaming
the errors on his / her person, and overall disqualifying them as the problem. This accusatory tone,
whether in a soft or loud voice, can doom a discussion and - ultimately, a relationship.
Then there is criticism. Complaint and a criticism are not the same thing. The complaint refers to a
specific issue; however the criticism is about the other person as a whole. For example: “I’m angry that
the dishes weren’t done” (complaint), is different to “Why did you not do the dishes? You never take care
of anything!” (criticism).
Another high indicator of divorce, perhaps the most pervasive one, is contempt. If a partner expresses
disgust towards the other, in any of its forms like eye-rolling, sneering, etc., then the dynamic is
completely different than the ideal. Because the person’s goal now is to diminish, insult, or hurt the
partner; rather than to be reconciled with them. Partners with contempt towards the other usually respond
to opportunities to amend an argument by hurting them more, with insults or sarcasm.
A common way to respond at contempt is with defensiveness - we feel attacked so we start making
excuses about our behavior, or blaming the other person. Although an understandable response this
approach usually doesn’t work - the other person tends not to understand you, but rather to disregard your
explanations and hurl back even stronger attacks.
And yet another warning sign is stonewalling. Usually appearing later in the decay process of a
relationship, stonewalling consists of one partner getting overwhelmed by the negativity of other
indicators (criticism, contempt, defensiveness…) that he decides to “tune out” of the whole relationship
altogether. The classic example of stonewalling is the husband who comes home from work and
immediately sits down to his newspaper, ignoring his yelling’s wife demands for attention.
Although they appear (and are) emotionally disconnected, stonewallers use this tactic to avoid being
overwhelmed with strong negative emotions.
This feeling of being overwhelmed activates our primitive brain, which is not too sophisticated. In this
mode of action reason goes out the window and we are more likely to act defensively or with hostility.
Therefore the chances of solving a problem rather than making it worse are now way lower.
Another factor that helps predict divorce, or success of marriage for that matter, is attempts to de-
escalate. These refer to a partner’s attempt to diffuse an increasingly tense situation, and it can be
anything from a joke, an apology, a smile, etc. Troublesome marriages actually make more attempts to
de-escalate than successful ones, but they fail due to lack of friendship bond between the partners.
Because this friendship bond is so strong in successful marriages the attempts work, and situations that
would be really hurtful get stopped in their tracks.
If when the couple tries to remember their past their mind goes blank, they have trouble remembering or
the memories seem sadder than they should be, that’s a sign trouble. Bad memories in a relationship
indicate that otherwise happy experiences - wedding, first date, etc., have been replaced with a negative
oversight on them due to other negative emotions experienced during the relationship. The memories cast
in negativity become so hurtful they are either repressed or distorted.
If the partners feel overwhelmed by negative feelings towards one another, if they discard communication
as a tool, and distance themselves, marriage is likely heading down the cliff. The couple then may start
living parallel lives (an affair is just one example of that, but not the cause for divorce itself) and
emotionally leaving the relationship.
Principle 1: Expand your love charts
The cognitive section in your brain reserved for knowledge about your spouse’s likes, dislikes,
experiences, tastes and quirks - these are the love charts. One of the main differences between
emotionally intelligent couples and those who aren’t are the richness of these charts that the former have.
He can tell you the latest office gossip that involved her work arch rival, she can tell you the movies that
he likes and the next comic conference he’ll be attending to this year.
These small details actually build up to a big deal, a strong sense of friendship, which is the real
foundation of any marriage. You have to know your spouse in order to love them.
You can use exercise to grow your love charts about each other. Let’s look at one example:
Imagine yourself as a news reporter of some kind. You are on a mission to objectively find out your
partner’s life goals, dreams and aspirations. In spite your emotions, you will not question the responses,
but listen attentively for a better understanding. Some of the questions you can use include:
Who are some of your rivals or enemies?
Who are some of your friends?
What are some of the things that irritate you? And some of the things that lighten up your mood?
What do you look forward to in the future?
Another way to deepen these charts is to look deeper into your own experiences and share them with your
loved one. What have been some of the most important moments of your life? Where there moments of
victory or despair? And why? If there were moments of despair, how did you get through them? Having
genuine conversations about these problems and victories of life will help you both understand each other
in a more profound way. Your partner will know who you are and what you want in life, and can be a
better companion along the way.
Principle 2: Develop your sense of mutual appreciation
Having a sense that your partner is someone worthy of admiration and respect. Even very troubled
couples can, with work, get back on their feet if they still retain this fundamental sense of looking up to
one another. This can be verified by asking couples to reminiscence about their first dates, or about what
positive qualities they can find in one another.
Having this treasury of positive vibes about one another acts as a safety net against pervasive negative
thoughts about divorce and the relationship, because the strong connection simply overrides any particular
negative event.
Another exercise to nurture fondness is to list three positive qualities about your partner, along with an
example of when they displayed it. After written down, exchange notes and read them. Many couples that
perform this exercise tend to look quite happy and rejoiced, as if they had regained something which was
lost.
Principle 3: Lend your attention to each other
Contrary to what we might think from watching popular movies, romance is not a single big gesture that
woos the desired partner for life, but rather romance develops every single day, in small gestures. When a
husband and wife make small talk over the news or when the husband is busy at work but still takes time
to call his wife and ask how her interview went, that’s romance right there. What usually happens is one
of the partner’s makes a “bid” for attention or support and the other partner can choose to either turn
towards the other in support, or away from them. And this is one of the predictors of success or failure in
marriage.
One way to remind yourself to turn towards your spouse or partner in a marriage is to keep an emotional
score. This means that you keep track of the daily moments and small events in which you turned your
attention towards your partner. For example: “Helped Jane with her homework” or “Listened to her talk
about how things are going with her sister”, those type of things. Remember that this is not to keep score
in the spiteful sense or trying to demand anything of the other person, but rather as a personal tool to
improve your own skills at turning towards your partner, of better appreciating them and providing them
attention.
Another exercise to use is to make a list of activities that each of you like to do together. Examples can
go from anything like gossiping, watching TV, planning future travels, working out or going to a
museum. Make a list of as many as you can, then have each other highlight the ones that they like better,
preferably three of them. Then you each can make a commitment to at least do one of those for the other
person. This will be a kind of contract you will abide by, and you are bound to honor it.
And yet another essential technique, used without knowing by many couples, is the “how was your day”
talk. This consists of a conversation, usually 20 to 30 minutes, in which the spouses catch up with each
other, talking about issues outside of their marriage; as a way of taking the stress from those outside
problems, and reducing them. By using this technique not only can you dramatically reduce the stress of
everyday life, so that they don’t harm your marriage, but you are also making out of your marriage a
distressing tool, adding more emotional value to it for both parties involved.
An important thing to consider when using this technique is to make use of the traditional active listening:
focus your attention on your partner, and before giving any type of answer or advice, make sure you let
them know you understand what they are saying. Understanding itself is usually more important than to
offer a solution.
These different techniques will help create a state of affairs in which there’s more or less a balance of
power, in which you can respect and understand your spouse’s perspective, even when you do not agree
with it.
Principle 4: Accept your partner’s input
Research shows around 81% of marriages in which men are unwilling to share influence in decision-
making end up in divorce. This attitude can also happen in women, of course, but usually it is a more
present issue in the male end of the relationship. On the flip side, marriages in which the power is shared
are happier, for both parties involved; so giving away some of the power will actually work for everyone.
It has been found that when couples enter into conflict usually the woman either tries to match the level of
anger expressed or tone it down, whilst many of the men actually escalated it. This gender difference can
be seen early on by observing boys and girls at young ages. Girls play usually is more relationship
focused, whilst boys tend to focus on the game itself. By childhood’s end a girl will have a fair
knowledge of dealing with emotions, and a boy will know how to bat a home run. This makes men a bit
less well prepared for something like marriage, so there is plenty of reason to learn from the wife.
This is not to say there aren’t plenty of emotionally deaf women and some emotionally crafty men - but
there are also general tendencies and this is the reality of them.
If as a husband you actually learn to take these emotional dimensions into account, to honor and respect
your wife and demonstrate it, to value her as a person as well as valuing the other objects in your value
structure, then you are a sensitive husband. This type of person is not only, according to research, more
likely to have a successful marriage, but also a more fulfilling family life. Because he accepts influence
from his wife and is more in touch with emotions, he is also likelier to make time for his wife and
children; in turn his family recognizes this and values him more profoundly, seeking him in good and bad
times. He has positively earned their respect and admiration, and will lead a meaningful life.
Sometimes the reason why a partner is not letting in the influence of the other is due to a permanent
problem - a deeper issue underlying the apparent one which the couple reacts to defensively and
preventing communication. For example Josh likes to hang out with Tom, whom Mary sees as a bad
influence, but Josh replies that it’s none of her business; this actually ends up being an issue about loyalty
and friendship - due to some background history between Josh and Tom. This is only seen after some
exploration but, before said exploration Josh would not have opened himself to Mary’s influence.
An exercise to develop the proclivity to be influenced by your partner: think back to different requests
that have been made to you by your spouse and write them down. Try to think of at least 5 occasions.
Then, assume that for every request there is at least a portion that is an understandable demand, write
down what that reasonable part is. It doesn’t have to be explicit in the request, but you do have to find it
and write it down. And then write down a reply for each of them, in which you address the reasonable
request, even if it’s not the full demands expressed initially.
Marital fights: permanent and solvable
Marital problems can either be temporary (solvable) or permanent. Actually most of the arguments in a
marriage are of the perpetual kind, and they are present even in the happiest marriages. It is important that
you can identify between temporary and perpetual problems, because then you can adjust how to deal
with them.
Lasting couples use a very powerful tool to maintain themselves above conflict in permanent problems,
which is humor. Couples that tend to have the same discussions over the years can often bear them if they
do so with a good attitude. They go about their days having these discussions, but the handling is such
that it is not too disruptive.
In contrast, couples that don’t last long or are unhappy tend to become too entrenched in their positions in
these arguments. Even if it seems the issue has been swept under the rug, it pops on and off, and because
it is not handled with a good attitude negative emotions like resentment are built up, and emotional
distance emerges. This is a road to couple death.
When one of these problems becomes perpetual and is also not taken with a good mood, we are talking
about an impasse. Impasse problems are taken in without humor, they make both parties feel more
rejected and stressed, the positions become more polarized and lead to emotional disengagement. Usually
an impasse problem is symptoms of a more profound difference in the way each of you see the world. The
way to work these is by understanding they are not going away for a while, so you might as well learn
how to talk them through without growing resentful of each other, and being respectful of the differences
in character that give rise to the issue.
In either type of problem the key solution is the same - talk to the other person with an attitude of
acceptance and understanding, convey this, and only then ask for them to change or adjust in a small way.
Research shows children develop better once their emotions are acknowledged, and this seems to apply to
adults as well. If you feel attacked you get defensive and more rigid, but if you feel accepted then you are
more likely to allow the other person to influence your behavior.
Principle 5: Resolve the solvable
There are a couple of things that can be done to solve the issues in your marriage which can be solved.
The first thing, and it has been mentioned before, is to start conversations with a soft start, meaning that
if you bring up an issue to your spouse, you do so softly and without criticism, judgement or any other
form of unnecessary negativity. 96% of arguments end up at least as tense as they start, which is why a
soft start is a good indicator in any marriage.
And another thing that can be done is to attempt to de-escalate the discussion. These attempts are jokes,
acknowledgements, empathizing statements or gestures that let the other partner know he’s being taken
into account and that allow room for relaxation or a lightening of the mood. This is really helpful because
to sort out a lot of the issues that come up in a marriage the last thing you want is to feel attacked. A de-
escalation can mean the difference between arguments that ends up with laughter or understanding and
one that ends in yelling. De-escalation attempts are not always noticed, but when they are they can really
mark that difference.
One way to try de-escalation attempts is to formally express them. For example if you are feeling
attacked, you can say so explicitly “I am feeling attacked”, or “I can see my part in this problem” if you
want to say I’m sorry. The point is you can use more or less “scripted” messages to convey the intention
to de-escalate, and this will be helpful because the messages are clear, and will predispose the other to
listen and receive the attempt. Later on the attempts can and should be modified to better fit both of your
personalities.
De-escalation attempts may not be received by a person due to flooding. If you’re flooded and your heart
rate is at over 100 bpm you will not be able to listen to your partner, simple as that. The most productive
thing to do is let the other person know you’re flooded and ask for a break. During this break you can
listen to music or anything else that relaxes you. One exercise to relax is the following: sit down
comfortably or lie down, breathe in for about 5 seconds, then out for about 7 seconds. Continue breathing
in this manner and start picturing a tranquil forest, mountain or lake, a relaxing scene. Listen to the wind
blow and the rustling leaves… Then continue breathing in, breathing out. Do this for about 20 minutes,
playing with the mental imagery that works for you.
After the aforementioned steps have been followed and you find yourself in a relaxed mood, you are
positively conditioned for compromise, for receiving the influence of your partner, which is the pillar of
any long term relationship.
Typical solvable issues and how to work them
Many of the problems in a couple are typical problems that couples tend to experience. One of these is
stress. What we really mean by stress is a problem is that, rather than the relationship being a place of
relaxation you go to decompress; it becomes a stressful engagement like the other problems of life.
You can deal with stress by being understanding. If you come home and your spouse answers “how was
your day” by yelling or grumping, rather than taking it personally assume she had a bad day. At the same
time you both acknowledge you may need to take time to relax before really engaging with each other.
Also take time of your day, when you are both relaxed, to decompress by talking to each other, giving
both of you license to basically take out the stresses you had repressed during the day.
Another common couple problem is relationship with the in-laws. Although the TV trope is usually
between husband and mother, what happens in real life more often is a battle between wife and mother in-
law. What it consists of, truly, is a competition for the husband’s affection. The mother grapples with the
reality that her son is leaving one family to start a new one, while the wife is uncertain about the level of
compromise of her husband to their new family. While it may sound harsh, the right answer is to simply
choose the wife. You cannot stay in the middle. If you stay in the middle then the wife feels abandoned
and united against, but if you choose the wife now you are contributing to a sense of couple togetherness,
of union against the challenges of life. That is really powerful in a marriage.
Money is another common problem. The problems and solutions related to money can vary a lot between
couples, so that’s not the focus here. The main idea is that if you work together as a couple to devise a
plan to solve your particular money problem, and find ways to compromise, you will develop a senses of
we ness and are more likely to find an adequate solution. One way to sort out money problems is to list
out the expenditures on a monthly or yearly basis. Then, come up with a budget that allows all of the
expenditures to be handled and decide which of those are essential and which are not. After that, plan out
for the future.
Sex is one of the topics that also come up most often as point of discussion in a marriage. Talks about sex
can make the couple feel embarrassed, and are many times done begrudgingly and with an avoidant
attitude. This is a mistake, because the more direct you are about what you want, the more probability you
have of getting it.
A key to talking about sex with each other in a way that works is to be gentle, basically to accentuate on
the positives rather than on the negatives when asking for something. For example “I really enjoyed what
you did on the couch last Friday. We should do that more often.” is better than “Why didn’t you touch my
breasts? You never do what I want.” The idea is to use a language that while communicating what you
want, doesn’t hurt the other person. Likewise, when you are being told something, don’t take it personally
and try to adjust to the desires of your partner.
Another problem with the way we think about sex is that we assume we know things which we know
nothing about, because we haven’t really studied them. Oftentimes our “sources” are friends from
adolescence and very informal talk. If you really want to learn about something, you read about it, and
this same concept applies to sex.
Many husband and wives also argue too much about an everyday issue - housework. Usually done
mainly by the wife, the way that chores are done and by whom, actually reflects in things such as sexual
satisfaction and lower heart rate during an argument - so maintaining housework in a way that is agreed
upon by both parties and satisfies the woman, in the sense that she feels supported, will have an amazing
effect on the couple’s emotional well-being. The division doesn’t have to be 50/50, it simply has to make
the wife feels supported.
Becoming parents is another of the major couple argument points. This is understandable. The burden of
bringing new life into this world and then caring for it, the amount of emotions that are involved, the time
and effort that is required, these things are overwhelming and undoubtedly change the meaning of life
itself for many if not all people. The truth is that when a baby comes into the world the mother is taken
into a journey - she develops a strong attachment to the baby and the baby will also demand her attention
endlessly.
On the face of this journey one of two things will happen with the husband: 1) he is taken aback due to
her wife having less time for him and each other as a couple, causing him to withdraw from the process
and create distance between husband and wife. Or 2) he joins his wife in this process and engages himself
in becoming a parent and caring for the baby. Although this will require time and effort be taken from
other activities, it will enrich and deepen the relationship. One helpful advice for mothers is to allow the
father to care for the child in his own way, whether he holds him differently or uses a different method for
burping, the important thing is that he’s spending time with the baby, being involved. Couples who do
this may find that their lives have changed dramatically, but by diving into the process together their
sense of satisfaction can be maintained or even heightened.
Principle 6: Unblock the Impasse
Many of the problems that happen in couple life are actually perpetual: 96% of couple’s disputes are
never really solved. The good part is that you can learn to live with that, to discuss these matters without
making the whole topic hurtful or leaving with a sense of discomfort. But first of all why do some
problems perpetuate into what we are calling an impasse?
The truth is that if you and your wife always argue about whether to eat out on weekends or make a home
dinner, most likely you’re not really discussing about that. But rather, eating out or at home may have a
deeper meaning rooted in past experiences - going out might resemble the way your family of origin took
that special time every Saturday to be together, while for the other staying home would provide a similar
feeling. So in truth the argument is about how to express family unity, to fulfill that dream or expectation;
but you don’t see that on the surface.
Successful couples go about these problems by respecting each other’s dreams and desires. They find
ways of compromising, or even putting one or both dreams on hold for practical reasons; but whilst
incorporating the other person’s goal into their concept of marriage. They want to know and attune to
what the other person wants.
Impasse problems are signs that hidden dreams are causing conflict over things that might seem trivial on
the surface. The couple’s dreams are seen as opposed to each other, so they each act defensively and
escalate the tensions. This vision needs to be changed to an integration of both of your expectations’ in
order to reach a better stance.
Here is a sample situation of an impasse problem. As an exercise, try to deduce what the underlying
dream for husband and wife may be, this will help you become a better dream detector for your own
issues:
Husband: When we hang around with friends my wife gets all silent, and then complains that I didn’t pay
attention to her. This is not true at all because I make sure every so often to turn to her and ask her how
she’s doing. That being said I do like the idea that, if we are hanging around and having fun, then the
point is not to worry about anyone else, but really to just be there and enjoy what’s going on.
Underlying dream:
Wife: Every time we hang out with friends it’s the same thing, even if we already discuss it before. All of
his attention goes to his friends, or whoever happens to be present in the hangout, it’s like I disappear. He
may glance at me or check on me every so often, but he does not really pay me attention. It’s like we are
not really hanging out, but “he” is hanging out, and I just happen to be there.
Underlying dream:
Now, to work on your actual impasse issues, you can start by using the speaker-listener technique. Each
of you take turns in expressing what the impasse problem means to you, what your underlying dream is
and how it would make you feel more personally satisfied or successful. The speaker talks uninterruptedly
while the listener simply pays attention and, asks questions if necessary to encourage deepening and
better understanding the partner’s dreams. This happens for 15 minutes straight, and after you are done
you switch positions. When you do this as a listener, try to not solve the problem but merely to
understand the dream, and as a speaker try to express what it means to you as much as you can, without
focusing necessarily on how it clashes or not with your partner, simply what it means to you.
As you discuss these issues stress could come about, but you don’t want either of you to become
overwhelmed by it. So if necessary calm each other down by using the breathing techniques mentioned
earlier, or any method of your preference.
Unblock the impasse. Problems that are locked into your marriage are likely to never go away
statistically, even for happy couples. The best thing to do given this fact is to unblock the impasse - to
minimize the hurt that is caused when the problem is discussed, making it bearable.
You can use the following exercise to do that: think of a perpetual problem in your relationship. Now, on
one paper draw two circles, a big circle and a smaller one inside it. In the inner circle jot down everything
about the problem that you can’t compromise in, as they relate to core values for you; then in the outer
circle list everything which you can negotiate. Try to aim for as bigger an outer circle as possible, and as
smaller and inner circle. Your partner should do the same thing. After you are both done, exchange papers
and discuss the issue trying to reach a temporary compromise. Discuss again after 1 or 2 months for
reevaluation.
You can also write down a perpetual problem that your relationship has - make sure you both understand
what it is and what dreams it is caused by, and reach a temporary compromise. Write all of these things
down, as well as what the ongoing conflict is, acknowledging if applicable that it is still not resolved
(although it’s better handled).
These exercises should allow you to better understand the problem and the perspective, the dreams of
your partner, so you will each be more likely to be accepting and honoring of the other’s perspective.
Principle 7: Build a shared sense of purpose
Married couples, in a way, are a culture of their own. They have symbolic acts, rituals and stories that
make up the background of their union, that incorporates who they are as individuals but also who they
come to be as a couple. So a deep relationship is a culture of two people. If you have applied the
principles that have been mentioned so far, you can have a lasting, working relationship; however, you
could still find yourself feeling that it lacks something. This something is a shared sense of meaning, in
which the relationship not only works but is also life enriching.
As individuals both of you will have stories that make up who you are, and are usually passed on to you
by your family: parents, grandparents, etc. One exercise you can do is to tell each other the story of your
family: how your ancestors came to be where they are, how they formed their own families and the
hardships they overcame, and of course what all of this means to you and how you incorporate it into your
own life.
This will give each of you a sense of what’s important for the other. You can’t always share values but
chances are by sharing stories you will come to an empathic understanding and both of your systems of
values will integrate into one point or the other, creating a shared entity. As you pass these stories and
values for example, to your own children; or as you share them with friends, you make them your own.
It is important that for your rituals of connection, your goals and your symbols have an agreement on at
least a significant amount of them, and a way of making them workable even when there are
disagreements. No two people will have 100% compatibility on anything (then they would not be two
different people), but there has to be some compatibility, the will to work around the differences and
create more shared meaning.
Although family rituals usually come from childhood memories from the family of origin, this doesn’t
have to be the case for all of them. You can come up with your own rituals that may stem from a meaning
or need that wasn’t necessarily satisfied in your family of origin. Perhaps your family worked too hard
and didn’t even come together on Sundays, so you make a ritual out of going on outings every Sunday.
The point is that making your own rituals is a valid way of creating shared meaning.
You can create rituals based off on many different things. Creating special desserts because both of you
really enjoy sweets or cooking, taking a time out for each other at the end of the day by having coffee or
reading a book together, inviting people over for a special meal, rituals for keeping up with friends and
family… Anything that is engaging for both of you and enjoyable, rituals are ways of bringing and
holding people together.
Another way in which we create shared meaning is sharing a similar understanding of the roles that we
play in life. Role being who we consider we are as we handle different situations: at work, as a family
member, as a spouse.
You don’t have to see eye to eye on all of them but again having a shared vision on some will certainly
help.
If Clara and Carlos both believe that the husband should be the main provider and rule enforcer in the
house, they will get along just as fine as Ashley and Johnathan, whom both believe in an egalitarian
marriage. Why? Because in both of these instances, what being the husband means is shared by both
partners. It also helps if, for example, you have similar ideas of what work means to you. If your husband
spends too much time away for work but both him and you see this as necessary in order to provide, then
even that becomes a part of who you are together as a couple.
Sharing your deeper goals with each other is also a way of enriching your marriage. For example both
Samantha and Michael always dreamed of being teachers, him in the sciences and her in art; but by
sharing their goals they actually resorted to opening up a mixed institute of arts and science. They both
explain how, even on their own they would've worked on their initial goal, but by integrating both into
one shared dream the experience is all the more rewarding.
Symbols are representations of the culture of your marriage. They can be physical objects but also stories.
The classic symbol of a marriage is the ring, which symbolizes that the union will be valued and honored.
But we are speaking here of your own, personal symbols of your relationship. These can be anything from
a crucifix if you’re a religious couple, to a physical place like the first apartment you both saved up so
much for, or things you built together like Christmas decorations or even a certain food. Anything that
symbolizes your relationship and the values those represent it.
Remember that it is unlikely you will share all of your goals, or understand them instantly, but the
important thing is to have an environment in your marriage in which you both understand each other and
are able to discuss what you want out of life, and the things that most matter to you. The deeper this
sharing is the richer your marriage becomes.
Final tips
In addition to the principles discussed themselves some important differences were found out into couples
that successfully incorporated them into their marriage and those who didn’t. These are added as tips and
reinforcements to improve your relationship.
In general, couples who successfully integrated the seven principles dedicated additional time every week
to invest into their relationship. The total was not too much, between four and six hours per week, but the
improvement was notorious. During this time the couples: performed daily stress reducing conversations,
took time to ask questions about each other’s day and catch up, show genuine appreciation for each other,
and demonstrate affection by kissing, hugging, touching, etc, and going out on dates every week. These
very simple efforts amount to a world of difference and will do so much for a relationship that it’s hard to
believe.
We talked before of the corrosive effects of criticism. Criticism can come about for two reasons: 1) the
relationship has an issue and one partner is stonewalling or distancing himself and, as a response, the
other starts criticizing the partner instead of voicing a specific complaint. If this is the case in order to
resolve the situation both partners must act courageously and change, the stonewalled, by being more
communicative and the critic by voicing the complaint rather than attacking the person’s character.
Reason number 2) one person has an internal problem of self-criticism. He or she devalues all of their
accomplishments and enhances their flaws, and ends up doing the same thing to the person they are in a
relationship with. If this is your case you can try an exercise in being thankful:
For a whole week think about one thing you genuinely appreciate about your partner and let them know
about it. It’s only one thing, but it has to be truthful. If you can, extend the amount of days in which you
do this. Do it for one extra day after the week, then another, and another… Notice what happens in your
partner’s reaction, but also within you. Doing this, will retrain you to perceive the positive things you
have in life, which might’ve been taken for granted. Your partner will appreciate it, and so will you.
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