FELIX THE NEWSPAPER OF IMPERIAL COLLEGE UNION

Exinations canceled This years examinations have

been cancelled after the discovery of p r i n t i n g errors in examinat ion papers last week. The College say that it is now too late and too costly to peprint the papers, but academics hope to be able to make a fair assessment of s t u d e n t s ' performances from course work.

I he p r i n t i n g m i x - u p was discovered on Tuesday w h e n Mechanical Engineering students complained that they were unable to answer anv of the questions on their Stress Analysis paper. Later in the day, Physics students sitting their second vear Q u a n t u m Mechanics exam claimed that the paper was unaturallv easy.

Inves t iga t ions by ex terna l examiners revealed that, o w i n g to

errors m a d e at the p r i n t i n g c o m p a n y , s tudents had been mistakenly handed the plans for a lapanese lawn mower.

Professor Eric La i thwai te of Electrical Engineering admitted that he was 'baff led' when students asked h i m whether part M Z 3 7 should slot into part CR251 or screw into P Q R I .

\ltbough examination papers throughout College have been withdrawn, academics have denied allegations that other departments have been affected.

But a source in Budget Printing Limited has admitted that the Bioiogv examination had been mistakenly replaced by extracts from First A m o n g Sequels , the latest

book by Jefferv Archer.

. I n v i g i l a t o r s f irst n o t i c e d something was wrong when half of the students fell asleep dur ing the exam a l t h o u g h F E L I X D e p u t y I ditor, Chas Brereton later told repor ters that he f o u n d the examination 'quite interesting. '

The source also admitted that the company had accidentlv printed third vear mathematics papers which made sense.

A s p o k e s m a n f r o m the Computing Department denied that there had been anv mistakes wi th their exams and claimed that 'the liveware had interacted logically with the paperware with no obvious signs ot svstem breakdown. '

The Rector, Professor Eric A s h , was reported to be looking for someone to blame.

The U n i o n Staff became overnight T V personalities w h e n they appeared on Univers i ty Chal lenge, facing Aberys twyth Polytechnic 's N e e d l e w o r k Department. In a close and hard-fought contest IC scored 130 points to Bangor's 135 to reach overal l last place, setting a new record of the overall lowest score ever achieved i n Univers i ty challenge. Ian M o r r i s was said to be 'd ispleased ' w i t h the result. H i s body was later discovered by Police, after he had shot a l l the other teams, several police officers, Bamber Gascoigne and f i n a l l y himsel f . N i g e l Baker said, 'We are sorry to see W e n d y go but this may improve our chances for next year. '

Four Chinese students in hospital

Concern is mount ing over the health of six members of the Chinese Society at the end of their one week 'eat i n ' in the U n i o n Snack Bar.

Four of the students were taken into intensive care on Friday after suffering chronic malnutri t ion and food poisoning d u r i n g their week Jong gesture of solidarity wi th students on hunger strike i n Peeking.

F E L I X D e p u t y E d i t o r C h a s Brereton said that he was 'very concerned' by the incident and said that the U n i o n w o u l d take every step possible to assist Chinese Society in their fight against political opression in C h i n a .

I le added ' N o one can accuse us of being an uncaring U n i o n . 1 w i l l be delivering pot noodles to the students in hospital and shaking their hands personally. Of f the record, it wi l l be a great photo opportuni ty . '

Two of the students, L i W o n g and I len Fong were well enough to speak to FELIX yesterday.

'We l ived on a diet of lentils and bread p u d d i n g for six days because we angry at the intransigence of the Chinese Government . ' said M r Wong.

But whilst the 'eat i n ' has been seen as a great political gesture by the student body, it has renewed fears wi th in the U n i o n Office that portion sizes in the Union Snack bar max still be too large.

Speaking by live satellite from his • acht in the Bahamas yesterday, c n i o n Finance Officer, Reginald Bohemia, said that port ion sizes were costed on the basis that students eating there full time would be seriously emaciated within three da\ -.

"The Chinese student's protest has revealed serious deficiencies in our portion control management. We have been practically giving food awa'v' he said

ISSUE 837 27 MAY 1989

Drivel

Letters

Deranaged Dear Nigel

Okay, I admit it, I a m a figment of the deranged imagination of a; F E L I X hack, w h o , in a moment of stress, dreamt me up in an attempt to f i l l u p an empty space that suddenly dropped through a freak wormhole in space and landed in the FELIX Office.

I really do not exist, therefore this and any further letters purport ing to come from me are merely caused by temporal resonances from the original wormhole .

Yours Dylan James

Shocked Dear Nigel,

I am shocked, dismayed and d i s g u s t e d by y o u r c o n t i n u e d deliberate policy of refusing to lose

or to forget to print letters by f rom E m m m a n n n u e l l Sararadakakiss. I cannot see w h y , w h e n y o u easily manage to forget clubs articles by Roger Davies, y o u claim not to be able to lose letters f r o m M r Saradakadakis.

This is a disgraceful situation, and unless you co-operate immediately, I w i l l write to the Ayatol lah asking h i m to have y o u condemned to death.

You rs, Alistair Goodall

Puzzled Dear Nigel,

S o m e t h i n g strange has just o c c u r r e d to m e , if S i d n e y H a r b o u r - B r i d g e hates Imperial as much as he says he does, w h y has he stayed here for six years? C o u l d s o m e b o d y please e x p l a i n this interesting paradox to me. Yours Extremely puzzled

Reviews

M e and m y mates went to see this f i l m after a night out on the town. Actual ly we wanted to see '3000 V i r g i n s ' , which was on at the Cinema next door but the Manager took offence w h e n we humorously questioned his sexuality. So we went to see this 'Snow White ' thing.

W e l l to summarise the plot : there's this good looking bird called ' Snow White ' w h o lives in some castle or the other, a bit like the one in 'Frankenstein and the Castle of Death ' . This castle is run by some Queen (a real one this time unlike the manager) w h o spends half her time talking to the bloody mirror. Bit nuts, if y o u ask me. Funny thing is, that the mirror talks back. N o w if I had a talking mirror I 'd sell it off pretty damn quick, but all the queen seems to do is ask it ' W h o ' s the fairest of ' em a l l ' or something like that. N o w its hardly surprising that the mirror eventually geto and tells her of this Snow Whit t 0

who's a hell of a lot hornier than she is.

N o w , I was a bit drunk and I wasn't totally following the plot. But as far as I can remember, Snow

White runs off into a nearby forest and sneaks into an abandoned sort of holiday chalet like a log cabin sort of thing. Then there's this bit invo lv ing lots of animals, seven dwarvic men, and a very happy looking S n o w White . I think at this point that I should mention that she is a rather tasty 32:22:32, w h i c h , although meagre for my tastes, is quite pleasingly curvy.

N o w this queen is a nasty piece of work; as bent as a two bob note and a witch to top it all off. A n d she looks like one. Wel l , this tart decides to bump little S n o w y off, and this witch is dead sneeky about it.

First she gets this apple w h i c h is half red and half green, polishes it up nicely, then as a f inishing touch poisons the red half.

N o w , this ponsey Prince arrives, who does nothing for the storyline. H e kisses the 'dead ' Snow White; guess this g u y must be a necrophiliac. Bet he's a bit shocked w h e n she wakes up and tongues h i m back. M i n d you , I bet he's not at all pissed off; w h o w o u l d be. They fall in love straight away, must be a good kisser this Prince, and she rides off on the back of his horse.

r alto! I think she should have siu, forest wnere there was at least t h e ^ . seduel what w i t h the possibility u -dwarvic sex. That w o u l d be beuc. than '3000 virgins ' anyday.

Editorial M y w e e k s p e n t a s F E L I X E d i t o r w a s a v e r y e n l i g h t e n i n g a n d r e v e a l i n g e x p e r i e n c e . O f a l l t h e t h i n g s w h i c h s t r u c k m e t h i s w e e k , n o n e w a s m o r e s u r p r i s i n g t h a n t h e e a s e w i t h w h i c h s u c h a l a r g e p u b l i c a t i o n c o u l d b e p u t t o g e t h e r .

I t i s q u i t e a p p a r e n t t h a t t h e F E L I X e d i t o r i s v e r y m u c h u n d e r - w o r k e d . T a k e t h i s e d i t i o n o f F E L I X f o r e x a m p l e ; i t w a s p u t t o g e t h e r f r o m s c r a t c h i n o n l y t h r e e h o u r s .

I f o u n d m y s e l f a s k i n g w h y t h e F E L I X E d i t o r s h o u l d n ' t b e g i v e n m o r e o f t h e U n i o n O f f i c e r e s p o n s i b i l i t i e s t o r e l i e v e u s U n i o n S a b b a t i c a l s o f o u r o v e r p o w e r i n g l y h e a v y w o r k l o a d . I s t h e r e a n y r e a s o n w h y h e o r s h e s h o u l d n o t b e m a d e r e s p o n s i b l e f o r c l e a n i n g t h e f l o o r o f t h e U n i o n O f f i c e a n d m a k i n g t h e U n i o n s t a f f t e a a n d c o f f e e ?

Y e t , w h i l s t M r G o o d w i n g o e s t o g r e a t p a i n s t o p o i n t o u t h o w o v e r w o r k e d h e i s , h e p e r s i s t e n t l y a b u s e s F E L I X f o r h i s o w n e n d s . T a k e l a s t w e e k s s t o r y a l l e d g i n g r e d u c e d p o r t i o n s i z e s i n t h e C a t e r p i l l a r C a f e . I t w a s c o m p l e t e l y f a b r i c a t e d ! I n f a c t I h a v e a r r a n g e d f o r p o r t i o n s i z e s t o b e d o u b l e d , a n d I a m p a y i n g f o r t h i s O U T O F M Y O W N P O C K E T !

N o t o n l y t h i s , h e h a s b l a t e n t l y p r i n t e d d e f a m a t o r y l i e s a b o u t m y s e l f i n o r d e r t o t u r n e v e r y o n e e l s e i n C o l l e g e a g a i n s t m e . A n d h e h a s s u c c e e d e d .

I s n ' t i t a b o u t t i m e t h a t t h e U n i o n t o o k e d i t o r i a l c o n t r o l o f F E L I X t o p r e v e n t t h e s e l i e s b e i n g p e r p e t r a t e d a n y f u r t h e r ? It i s o b v i o u s t h a t a l l F E L I X E d i t o r s a r e C O M P L E T E L Y D E R A N G E D a n d t h a t o n l y a p e r s o n w i t h i n t e l l i g e n c e e n o u g h t o t a k e u p t h e h e a v y b u r d e n o f U n i o n P r e s i d e n c y s h o u l d b e a l l o w e d t o d e c i d e w h a t s h o u l d b e p r i n t e d i n F E L I X .

M r G o o d w i n i s n o t o n l y a b a d F E L I X e d i t o r , h e i s d o w n r i g h t c o r r u p t . I t i s c o m m o n k n o w l e d g e t h a t M r G o o d w i n i s a m e m b e r o f t h e F r e e m a s o n s , b u t l e s s w i d e l y k n o w n i s t h e f a c t t h a t h e b u y s p a p e r a t t w i c e i t s n o r m a l p r i c e a s p a r t o f a s h a d y M a s o n i c d e a l w i t h a l o c a l g r a n d m a s t e r . N o t o n l y t h i s , b u t h e g i v e s a f r e e p h o t o c o p y i n g s e r v i c e f o r p e o p l e w i t h f u n n y h a n d s h a k e s .

B u t M r G o o d w i n h a s n o t s t o p p e d t h e r e . D r i v e n b y a n i n s a n e h a t r e d o f t h e I r i s h , h e h a s p e r s i s t e n t l y p e r s e c u t e d a n y o n e h e s u s p e c t s o f h a v i n g I r i s h A n c e s t r y a n d h a s c h a r g e d t h e m d o u b l e f o r p h o t o c o p y i n g . J u s t l o o k a t t h e w a y h e h a s t r e a t e d E m m a n u a l S a r a d i k i s ; h e h a s p r i n t e d a l l o f h i s l e t t e r s t h u s m a k i n g t h e m a n l o o k a c o m p l e t e f o o l .

F i n a l l y , I s h o u l d m a k e i t c l e a r t h a t M r G o o d w i n i s a p e r v e r t w h o o n l y w a s h e s o n c e a m o n t h , n e v e r c h a n g e s h i s s o c k s , i s b a l d a n d w e a r s a w i g .

Credi ts

T h a n k s f i r s t l y t o m y s e l f f o r p r o d u c i n g s u c h a s u p e r i o r e d i t i o n o f F E L I X , S e z W i l k i n s o n f o r g r o v e l i n g a t m y f e e t , D a v e S m e d l e y f o r b o o s t i n g m y e g o , D o u g K i n g f o r d o i n g a l l t h e m e n i a l j o b s w h i c h w e r e b e n e a t h m e , A d a m H a r r i n g t o n f o r s w e e p i n g t h e f l o o r , R o s e a n d D e a n w h o d o n ' t r e a l l y d e s e r v e t h a n k s a s t h e y a r e p a i d t o b e h e r e , a n d a l l t h e c l u b s w h o s e b u d g e t I t h r e a t e n e d t o c u t i f t h e y d i d n o t h e l p c o l l a t e .

Page 7 FELIX M a y 26 1989

Tedium

Streets of Shame

'̂ ©^ -:E:::.-:":-=̂=;- =:=! ^ • V

Caught in the act! F E L I X photographers snapped C o u n c i l Cha i rman N e i l McCluskey sneaking into a seedy London house of ill-repute-. M r McCluskey was so embarrassed w h e n his cover was b l o w n that he quickly covered his head w i t h a b r o w n paper bag. What w i l l naughty N e i l get up to next?

Opinionated

The edited highlights of previous opinion articles by the Mislamic society.

Let me begin by clarifying that Prophets who appeared at different times and places, though not simultaneously. A l l propogated the same faith, but not in the same way and by using different means. These alien elements were eliminated by G o d and M i s l a m in its pure and o r i g i n a l f o r m . I n d e e d the propogations which were thus propagated have been improperly presented by the protagonists of prophecy, (iii) This original message was corrupted and split into various meta-religions by people of different ages; some were 36, whilst others were almost 37. These people (peace be u p o n them) i n d u l d g e d i n interpolations and admixture, (iv) Porridge (i) The life of Motorhead a n d the m a n o r in w h i c h he c o n d u c t e d h i m s e l f was also recorded in a unique manor by his companions (peace be upon them) and by later compilers of the Tradit ion. A more complete and authentic account of life has never

Kazoo

Drinking songs Imperial College Kazoo Orchestra w i l l be ho ld ing a recital of G e r m a n D r i n k i n g songs on December 25. Included in the repetoire wil l be 'get vour kit off darl ing' , and the highly acclaimed ' G i v e us another pint or I'll kick vour teeth in farty breath. ' Both pieces were composed by the emminent kazoo Virtuoso Kar l v o n Tippex. A l s o featured w i l l be the Hungar ian Folk Music ensemble w h o wi l l be playing a selection of M o t o r h e a d c lass ics e s p e c i a l l y arranged for the kazoo by Phi l Spector. Tickets for the event cost 12 rupees each and can be obtained

from Bartholemew H e p t o n - W i d d l y M a n C o n 3.

Cough mixture

Tasting O u r evening of cough mixture tasting certainly proved popular with over 20 people attending -intact it was a real wheeze. As you

been compiled. H o w is this knowlege conveyed?

Not through the operations of some p u b l i s h i n g h o u s e . A t the preliminary stage we gain knowlege through empirical observation of W a l t D i s n e y cartoons. M i c k e y Mouse (peace be upon him) has been seen by many people to be a prophet, but does not actually appear in the holv book of Z o d . This does not make h im any less a prophet than Dylan James (cow d u n g be upon him).

(ix) H e is man's single diety. To associate anyone in H i s worship is as greater sin as it is an act of infidelity. Not to ask of h i m is sensless arrogance. To seek of h im, and also of others is to associate equals wi th h i m .

So in conclusion there can be no greater i n s t r u m e n t of m o r a l reformation nor anv better method to help man develop a sound and stable character than anything other than this pile of platypus droppings (peace be upon them).

PS. If you don't print this article in full we will execute you and burn down the FELIX office.

mav be aware, we have a number of cough mixtures on special offer this week. Top of the list are Nightnurse cold remedy, Benelin (a fine bouquet and good up front), and Veno 's cough linctus which drinks wel l into the bottle.

Don't forget our speaker meeting on January 12th when M u c o i d Sneeza lo t w i l l be t a l k i n g o n remedies for smokers cough.

Weasel

Basil killed by m.m.m Last week's weasel race was a great success . T h a n k s to the 10 contestants w h o entered their weasels for this event. The clear winner was Jingle Bells, owned and trained bv Dave Smedlev, closley followed bv Fiona Nicholas owned a n d t r a i n e d by N i g e l Baker . Commiserations are in order for Basil the three legged weasel w h o was cheered on bv the c rowd as he staggered over the line only to be run over bv Clementine, the Mines Motororised Mascot.

O u r next event wil l be a weasel pub crawl on January 5th. Meet at the Ferret and Firkin at 8pm.

Meanwhi le good news for our lobby of Parliament which is due to take place next t e r m ; M a r y Whitehouse has agreed to present a talk on the morality of abortion on d e m a n d for wease l s . H a p p y weaseling.

Ind Soc

Pot Noodle freebie Wel l kiddies, naughty FELIX has been up to no good again. As we all know, the club d id not take its executive officers out to the Savoy for a £25 per head slap up meal. I loweyer, in recognition for the hard work put in to the Careers Fair, over 100,000 man hours, we took out four students chosen at random d o w n to Sainsbury's for a pot noodle. Which reminds me, our next visit wi l l be a trip to a baked bean canning factory where we should have fun observing the oppressed working class sticking labels onto tin cans. Book earlv as places are l imited. Finally I w o u l d like to thank Nigel for turning a blind eye, United Sprockets for

g i v i n g us a back hander and Mirgare t Thatcher who is more of a man than N e i l Kinnock w i l l ever be.

Bigots Soc

Intolerance This is a new body set up by popular demand from Islamic Soc, ConSoc, Student Socialist W o r k e r Soc, R S M U , Third World First and pretty well everyone else too immature to recognise that some other people may hold different opinions from them. O u r aims wi l l be to publish regularly in FELIX biased and one sided articles insul t ing to the intelligence of the average student (This has been done before but with no under ly ing co-ordination). W e w i l l also instigate long and purile arguments in the FELIX letters column via missives of unparalleled narrow-mindedness and boredom.

Membership is open to anyone who still has the mentality of a playground bully and w i t h our exciting program of book-burning, Gay/jew/Leftv/Black bashing (delete as appropriate) and heckling of speakers at debates we wi l l have no shortage of members, especially at such a bastion of arrogant self-importance as IC!

Ma> 26 1989 FELIX P ^ T f

Boring

IC Wins Americas cup Imperial College boat club stormed to victory i n the final leg of the Americas cup series.

T h e v i c t o r y w a s to ta l ly unexpected by most sailing experts, w h o predicted that the multi million dollar Amer ican yacht, which had seven hulls and a crew of ninety-three people, w o u l d w i n easily.

However, nobody had allowed for the I .C. team's secret weapon. The I . C . crew conta ined al l three sabbaticals from the U n i o n office, and at the start of the race they all stood at the back of the boat and s tar ted m a k i n g speeches simultaneously. The huge quantities of hot air thus produced propelled the I .C. boat to an easy victory, being t imed at a maximum speed of three hundred and twenty seven m . p . h .

U n i o n President Nige l Baker later was asked to comment o n having missed breaking the water speed record by only 4.7 m . p . h . and

.replied that he and his colleagues were not in good form on the day,

and should be able to produce far more meaningless waffle dur ing a

future attempt, scheduled for the

w h i c h is Summer.

being

Smith wins pools Opportunity Knocks

College Secretary, John Smith , has announced his intention to retire after winning 3.5 M i l l i o n pounds o n the Football Pools.

M r . Smith , 22, told FELIX : 'Its amazing: all I d i d was put d o w n eight crosses at random, exactly like m a r k i n g an exam paper . I ' m overjoyed'

Sources in Sherfield say that M r . Smith went to see the Rector, Eric A s h , immediately after learning of his w i n . Professor A s h has refused to tell FELIX what had happened during the meeting but it is reported that the words ' F * * * O * * Eric, I can afford to leave n o w ' were heard by the entire fifth floor.

Person or persons unknown gained entry to the FELIX office in the middle of the night this Thursday to produce a spoof edition of FELIX, called fido.

A source interviewed in the FELIX office said ' A jokes a joke, but to print something this boring goes beyond the bounds of satire.

M r . Smith says that he w i l l be spending the money on buying the government of a small Caribbean Island.

Fido includes three pages of information copied from government leaflets about Poll Tax, a two page expose of future plans for the Bookshop (yawn), and a one page extract from a cookery book. Spare space has also been filled with large numbers of adverts.

The Rector, Professor Eric A s h s t u n n e d a u d i e n c e s w i t h h i s performing budgerigars in 'Bob Says O p p o r t u n i t y K n o c k s ' o n Friday.

The crowds were stunned into silence as the Prof and his talented birds stole the show and defying all predictions gained the evening's highest clapometer reading.

The Rector w i l l be making a second appearance o n the show next week w h e n he w i l l thril l the nation w i t h his Afr ican Tree-frog impressions.

The College switchboard was jammed wi th desperate A & R reps f rom C B S and E M I anxious to sign up a major new talent after last week's show.

Bob Monkhouse told FELIX that he was 'very very very h a p p y ' for the Rector.

' H e ' s a lovely, lovely m a n ' he added ' and he deserves every success i n l i fe '

The Rector refused to confirm or deny rumours yesterday w h e n FELIX managed to get through the jammed switchboard to speak to h i m , that he was cons ider ing q u i t t i n g a c a d e m i a fo r show-buisiness.

In Brief T o p academics at Imperial have

recently discovered a new group of particles, the existence of which has previously only been inferred. Extensive study of College lecture theatres and tutorials has proven beyond doubt that both lecturers and problem sheets emit large n u m b e r s of par t i c l es c a l l e d 'confusons. '

These particles, which have a spin of m u minus transmit intense waves of confusion to any student struck by them. It is surprising that these particles have not been discovered before as they are too be found in great abundance at IC.

Another particle in the same family is the Borion, a particle which transmits boredom. If large numbers of Borions a n d confusons are confined, for example in a lecture theatre, they interact to produce an extremely powerful depressive field. This has the effect of warping the time-subjectivity cont inuum, thus a l lowing a one hour lecture to last for much longer.

Researchers have deduced that the maximum possible depressive f ie ld intensi ty , k n o w n as the Schwartzchild intensity w o u l d be capable of making a one hour lecture last 37 hours. Strenuous attempts have been made to reach this barrier, particularly in Mechanical Engineering lectures, but due to the log inverse square relationship between depressive f i e l d s t r e n g t h a n d par t i c l e c o n c e n t r a t i o n , the m a x i m u m subjective time dilation coefficient so far reached is 36.9993, achieved in .i lubrication lecture.

The discovery of the two particles has led to the postulation of two anti particles of opposite spin , the interestion and the understandon. Unfortuanately, in common with many other particle- anti particle systems, the anti particles are incredibly rare.

Late News W e have just heard that due to a

computer error, M r . John Smith, was overpaid for his pools w i n . A spokesman for Litt lewood's Pools told FELIX : ' M r . Smith's original cheque has been invalidated and his new cheque for £3.50 is to be posted on as soon as possible. '

Sources in Sherfield says that M r . Smith is now taking steps to placate the Rector and to get his job back. H e was last seen entering the Rector's Office carrying a can of boot polish and some hand cream.

Midnight FELIX horror

F E L I X is p u b l i s h e d b y the Edi tor for a n d o n behalf of Imperia l Col lege U n i o n Publ i ca t ion Board a n d is pr in ted b y the Imperial Col lege U n i o n Pr in t U n i t , Pr ince Consor t R o a d , L o n d o n , S W 7 ( l e l " ' ' ^ 5 1 1 1 e x t 3 5 1 5 ) - E d l t o r : N l S e l B a k e r - Business Manager : Reggie Blenerhasset. A d v e r t i s i n g M a n a g e r : D a v e Peacock. C o p y r i g h t F E L I X 1989 I S S N 1040-0711.