His Detachment…..

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the changes in the bedroom…

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The broken promises….

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are REAL

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What the wife sees…..

• Irritability• Mood swings• Provokes arguments• Unexplained time or money• Masturbation• Computer time increases• Moving the monitor so

others can’t see it• Detached from wife and

children• Wandering eyes

confused

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What the wife feels…

• Emotional detachment• His lack of eye contact• Lack of affirmation• His unwillingness to talk

during sex• Changes in the bedroom• Avoiding sex• He is defensive when asked

about computer, T.V. or movie habits

• DistrustCounseling Associates

Her reality….

• Change in intimacy• Change in emotional

attachment• Change in the physical

attachment• His lying• His deception• His disconnection

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His reality…

• Self-soothing• Dopamine• Changes in the Frontal

Cortex• Avoidance of intimacy• Connecting to fantasies • Shame driven• Guilt

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Fog of Addiction

Primary Content• Eye to eye• Emotional Connection• Relational• Interactive• Emotional Intimacy

Secondary Content• Distracted• Reading newspaper, T.V.,

computer, movies• Present but not

participating• In the room, but invisible

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The problem is larger than it appears

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Cycles of Addiction

fantasies

Guilt & shame

pornmasturbation

dopamine

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Isaiah 65:2“All day long I have held out my hands to an obstinate people, who walk in ways not good,

pursing their own imaginations”

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• An addiction to people, behaviors, and things. The fallacy of trying to control people, things and events.

• Control is central or lack of it is central to every aspect of life.

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The codependent’s beliefs

• Personal identity enmeshed in another person

• Motivated by compulsion

• Low self-esteem• Happiness hinges on

others• Feels inordinately

responsible for others Counseling Associates

Symptoms of Codependency

• Begins with pain• Evolves into martyrdom, denial, & rescuing

the husband• Rescues & enables behaviors• Wife’s personal needs go unmet• Depression• Anger

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Relational Trauma

• Attachment injury• Betrayal in a committed

relationship• Abandonment• Unsafe relationship• Relationship threatened• Infidelity• Neglect• Abuse

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Post-Traumatic stress disorderPTSD is diagnosed by a mental health professional

• Exposure to a traumatic event

• Persistent re-experiencing (of the event)

• Persistent avoidance of stimuli associated with the trauma

• Persistent symptoms of increased arousal

• (such as difficulty falling or staying asleep)

• Symptoms last more than one month

• Significant impairment in social, occupational or other important areas of functioningCounseling

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Relational Trauma

PTSDCounseling Associates

Trauma’s Symptoms

Reliving the eventHelplessness

Hyper vigilanceSleeplessness

AnxietyIntrusive Images

Panic AttacksDepression

Change in appetiteMood swings

DenialConfusion

Rage

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Feel married and alone?

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You are not alone• Isaiah 54:4-5• “Fear not, for you will not be

ashamed; be not confounded, for you will not be put to shame; for you will forget the shame of your youth, and the reproach of your widowhood you will remember no more. For your Maker is your husband and the Lord of hosts is His name and the holy one of Israel is your redeemer, the God of the whole earth He is called.”

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Once you see

• The signs• The cycle• His fog

• Your powerlessness

• Break out of the silence• Transition from helplessness

to hopefulness Counseling Associates

Get

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Outside Resources•Counseling • With trained sexual addition counselor

•Supportive and Safe Friends

•Support Group for Partners

•S-Anon International Family Groups

•Recovering Couples Anonymous

•Education/Reading

•Pastors Counseling Associates

Set BoundariesConfront lovingly

Believe behaviors – not wordsTake definitive action –Talk to a trusted person or counselorJoin a partner’s groupPhysical boundaries for yourselfNo patrollingPray

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Crisis to Stability “Impersonal Energy”

moving into an aspect of one’s personality which is not bound to emotions and feelings.

Step outside of emotions and view ourselves from a different perspective.

Tana Slay PHD

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Empowerment

Six ingredients of empowerment• 1. Healthy boundaries• 2. Maintaining solid grounding – faith• 3. Self awareness, impersonal energy• 4. Healthy communication skills• 5. Healthy conflict management skills• 6. Reframing ourselves as survivors

rather than victims Marcia Chellis Counseling

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Freedom Kansas Citywww.freedomkc.netAn Association of Freedom Partner’s Groups

New HopeDarrell Brazellwww.newhope4si.com

Heart to Heart Counseling Doug Weisswww.drdougweiss.com

www.awomanshealingjourney.comMarsh Means

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“Praise be to the Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles, so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort we ourselves have received from God.” 2 Cor. 1:3-4

The God of all comfort

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There is

HOPE“Finding new hope by

transforming past pain into a positive

purpose”

Your Sexually Addicted Spouse by: Barbara Steffens &

Marsha Means Counseling Associates

ResourcesAn Affair of the Mind by: Laurie HallBeyond the Bedroom by: Doug WeissBoundaries by: Henry Cloud and John TownsendChoosing Forgiveness by: Nancy DeMossForgiving the Unforgivable by: Beverly FlaniganLiving With Your Husband’s Wars by: Marsha MeansLove Must be Tough by: James DobsonPartners: Healing From His Addiction by: Doug WeissSex, Men, and God by: Doug Weiss The New Drug of the Millennium by: Mark KastlemanYour Sexually Addicted Spouse by: Barbara Steffens & Marsha Means Counseling

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