TheLifeAndDiaryOfDavidBrainerd

byJonathanEdwards

TableofContents

Preface

FromHisBirth,ToTheTimeWhenHeBeganToStudyForTheMinistry

StudyofDivinityUntilBeingLicensedtoPreach

AppointedMissionarytotheIndians

MissionAmongIndiansatKaunaumeek

From his Beginning to Instruct the Indians at Kaunaumeek, to hisOrdination

PreachingMetwithRemarkableSuccess

LastJourney

Brainerd'sDeath

Preface

THERE are two ways of representing and recommending true religion

andvirtue to theworld; theone,bydoctrineandprecept; theother,byinstanceandexample;bothareabundantlyusedintheHolyScriptures.Not only are the grounds, nature, design, and importance of religionclearlyexhibitedinthedoctrinesofScripture—itsexerciseandpracticeplainly delineated, and abundantly enforced, in its commands andcounsels—buttherewehavemanyexcellentexamplesofreligion,initspower and practice, set before us, in the histories both of the Old andNewTestament.

JESUSCHRIST,thegreatProphetofGod,whenhecametobe"thelightoftheworld"-toteachandenforcetruereligion,inagreaterdegreethaneverhadbeenbefore—madeuseofboththesemethods.Inhisdoctrine,he not only declared the mind and will of God — the nature andpropertiesofthatvirtuewhichbecomescreaturesofourmakeandinourcircumstances—moreclearlyandfullythaneverithadbeenbefore;andmorepowerfully enforced it bywhathedeclaredof theobligations andinducements to holiness; but he also in his own practice gave a mostperfectexampleofthevirtuehetaught.Heexhibitedtotheworldsuchanillustrious pattern of humility, divine love, discreet zeal, self-denial,obedience, patience, resignation, fortitude, meekness, forgiveness,compassion, benevolence, and universal holiness, as neither men norangelseversawbefore.

God also in his providence has been wont to make use of both thesemethodstoholdforthlighttomankind,andinducementstotheirduty,inallages.Hehasfromtimetotimeraisedupeminentteachers,toexhibitand bear testimony to the truth by their doctrine, and to oppose theerrors,darkness,andwickednessoftheworld;andhehasalsoraisedupsome eminent persons who have set bright examples of that religionwhichistaughtandprescribedinthewordofGod;whoseexampleshave,in the courseofdivineprovidence,been set forth topublic view.Thesehave a great tendency both to engage the attention of men to thedoctrines and rules taught, and also to confirm and enforce them;especiallywhen thesebright exampleshavebeen exhibited in the samepersons who have been eminent teachers. Hereby the world has hadopportunitytoseeaconfirmationofthetruth,efficacy,andamiablenessofthereligiontaught,inthepracticeofthesamepersonswhohavemost

clearlyandforciblytaughtit;andaboveall,whenthesebrightexampleshavebeensetbyeminentteachers,inavarietyofunusualcircumstancesof remarkable trial;andwhenGodhaswithal remarkablydistinguishedthemwithwonderfulsuccessoftheirinstructionsandlabors.

Suchaninstancewehaveintheexcellentperson,whoselifeispublishedin the following pages.His example is attendedwith a great variety ofcircumstances tending to engage the attention of religious people,especiallyinthesepartsoftheworld.Hewasoneofdistinguishednaturalabilities; as all are sensible, who had acquaintance with him. As aministerofthegospel,hewascalledtounusualservicesinthatwork;andhisministrywasattendedwithveryremarkableandunusualevents.Hiscourseof religionbeganbefore the late timesof extraordinary religiouscommotion;yethewasnotan idlespectator,buthadanearconcern inmany things that passed at that time. He had a very extensiveacquaintancewiththosewhohavebeenthesubjectsofthelatereligiousoperations,inplacesfardistant,inpeopleofdifferentnations,education,manners, and customs. He had a peculiar opportunity of acquaintancewith the false appearances and counterfeits of religion; was theinstrument of a most remarkable awakening, a wonderful and abidingalterationandmoraltransformationofsubjectswhopeculiarlyrenderthechangerareandastonishing.

Inthefollowingaccount,thereaderwillhaveanopportunitytosee,notonlywhatwere the external circumstancesand remarkable incidentsofthelifeofthisperson,andhowhespenthistimefromdaytoday,astohis external behaviour; but alsowhatpassed inhis ownheart.Herehewillseethewonderfulchangeheexperiencedinhismindanddisposition,themannerinwhichthatchangewasbroughttopass,howitcontinued,what were its consequences in his inward frames, thoughts, affections,andsecretexercises,throughmanyvicissitudesandtrials,formorethaneightyears.

He will also see, how all ended at last, in his sentiments, frame, andbehaviour,duringalongseasonofthegradualandsensibleapproachofdeath,underalingeringillness;andwhatweretheeffectsofhisreligionin dying circumstances, or in the last stages of his illness. The accountbeingwritten,thereadermayhaveopportunityathisleisuretocompare

the various parts of the story, and deliberately to view and weigh thewhole,andconsiderhowfarwhatisrelatedisagreeabletothedictatesofrightreasonandtheholywordofGod.

I am far from supposing, that Mr. Brainerd's inward exercises andexperiences, or his external conduct, were free from all imperfections.The example of Jesus Christ is the only example that ever existed inhuman nature as altogether perfect;which therefore is a rule to try allotherexamplesby;andthedispositions, frames,andpracticesofothersmustbecommendedandfollowednofurther,thantheywerefollowersofChrist.

There is one thing inMr. Brainerd, easily discernible by the followingaccountofhislife,whichmaybecalledanimperfectioninhim,which—though not properly an imperfection of a moral nature, yet — maypossiblybemadeanobjectionagainst theextraordinaryappearancesofreligionanddevotioninhim,bysuchasseekforobjectionsagainsteverythingthatcanbeproducedinfavouroftruevitalreligion;andthatis,thathewas,byhisconstitutionandnatural temper, soprone tomelancholyanddejectionof spirit.There are somewho think that all serious strictreligion is a melancholy thing, and that what is called Christianexperience,islittleelsebesidesmelancholyvapoursdisturbingthebrain,andexcitingenthusiasticimaginations.ButthatMr.Brainerd'stemperorconstitutioninclinedhimtodespondency,isnojustgroundtosuspecthisextraordinarydevotiontobeonlythefruitofawarmimagination.Idoubtnotbutthatallwhohavewellobservedmankind,willreadilygrant,thatnotallwhobytheirnaturalconstitutionortemperaremostdisposedtodejection, are the most susceptive of lively and strong impressions ontheir imagination, or the most subject to those vehement affections,whichare the fruitsofsuch impressions.But theymustwellknow, thatmanywhoareofaverygayandsanguinenaturaltemperarevastlymoreso; and if their affectionsare turned intoa religious channel, aremuchmore exposed to enthusiasm, than many of the former. As to Mr.Brainerd in particular, notwithstanding his inclination to despondency,hewasevidentlyoneofthosewhousuallyarethefurthestfromateemingimagination; being of a penetrating genius, of clear thought, of closereasoning,andaveryexactjudgment;asallknow,whoknewhim.Ashe

had a great insight into human nature, and was very discerning andjudicious in general; so he excelled in his judgment and knowledge indivinity, but especially in things appertaining to inward experimentalreligion.Hemostaccuratelydistinguishedbetweenreal,solidpiety,andenthusiasm;between thoseaffections thatare rationalandscriptural—having their foundation in light and judgment — and those that arefounded in whimsical conceits, strong impressions on the imagination,and vehement emotions of the animal spirits. He was exceedinglysensible of men's exposedness to these things; how much they hadprevailed, and what multitudes had been deceived by them; of theirpernicious consequences, and the fearfulmischief theyhaddone in theChristianworld.Hegreatlyabhorredsuchareligion,andwasabundantinbearingtestimonyagainstit,livinganddying;andwasquicktodiscernwhen any thing of that nature arose, though in its first budding, andappearingunderthemostfairandplausibledisguises.Hehadatalentfordescribingthevariousworkingsofthisimaginary,enthusiasticreligion—evincingitsfalsenessandvanity,anddemonstratingthegreatdifferencebetween this and true spiritual devotion—which I scarcely ever knewequaledinanyperson.

His judiciousness did not only appear in distinguishing among theexperiences of others, but also among the various exercises of his ownmind;particularlyindiscerningwhatwithinhimselfwastobelaidtothescore ofmelancholy; inwhich he exceeded allmelancholy persons thatever I was acquainted with. This was doubtless owing to a peculiarstrength in his judgment; for it is a rare thing indeed, thatmelancholypeople are well sensible of their own disease, and fully convinced thatsuchandsuchthingsaretobeascribedtoit,asareitsgenuineoperationsand fruits.Mr.Brainerddidnot obtain thatdegreeof skill at once,butgradually;asthereadermaydiscernbythefollowingaccountofhislife.Intheformerpartofhisreligiouscourse,heimputedmuchofthatkindof gloominess of mind and those dark thoughts to spiritual desertion,whichinthelatterpartofhislifehewasabundantlysensiblewereowingto the disease of melancholy; accordingly he often expressly speaks ofthem in his diary as arising from this cause. He often in conversationspoke of the difference between melancholy and godly sorrow, truehumiliationandspiritualdesertion,andthegreatdangerofmistakingthe

onefortheother,andtheveryhurtfulnatureofmelancholy;discoursingwith great judgment upon it, and doubtlessmuchmore judiciously forwhatheknewbyhisownexperience.

But besides what may be argued from Mr. Brainerd's strength ofjudgment, it is apparent in fact, that he was not a person of a warmimagination.His inward experiences, whether in his convictions or hisconversion,andhisreligiousviewsandimpressionsthroughthecourseofhis life, were not excited by strong and lively images formed in hisimagination;nothing at all appears of it inhis diary frombeginning toend.Hetoldmeonhisdeath-bed,thatalthoughonce,whenhewasveryyoung in years and experience, hewas deceived into a high opinion ofsuchthings-lookingonthemassuperiorattainmentsinreligion,beyondwhat he had ever arrived at — was ambitious of them, and earnestlysoughtthem;yethenevercouldobtainthem.Hemoreoverdeclared,thathenever in his life had a strong impression onhis imagination, of anyoutwardform,externalglory,oranythingofthatnature;whichkindofimpressionsaboundamongenthusiasticpeople.

As Mr. Brainerd's religious impressions, views, and affections in theirnaturewerevastlydifferentfromenthusiasm;soweretheireffectsinhimascontrarytoitaspossible.Nothinglikeenthusiasmpuffsmenupwithahigh conceit of their ownwisdom, holiness, eminence, and sufficiency;andmakesthemsobold,forward,assuming,andarrogant.Butthereaderwill see, thatMr.Brainerd's religion constantlydisposedhim toamostmean thought of himself, an abasing sense of his own exceedingsinfulness, deficiency, unprofitableness, and ignorance; looking onhimselfasworsethanothers;disposinghimtouniversalbenevolenceandmeekness;inhonourtopreferothers,andtotreatallwithkindnessandrespect.Andwhenmelancholyprevailed,andthoughtheeffectsofitwerevery prejudicial to him, yet it had not the effects of enthusiasm; butoperated by dark and discouraging thoughts of himself, as ignorant,wicked,andwhollyunfitfortheworkoftheministry,oreventobeseenamongmankind. Indeed, at the time forementioned, when he had notlearned well to distinguish between enthusiasm and solid religion, hejoined, and kept company with, some who were tinged with no smalldegreeof the former.Foraseasonhepartookwith them inadegreeof

their dispositions and behaviors; though, as was observed before, hecouldnotobtain those thingswherein theirenthusiasm itself consisted,and so could not become like them in that respect, however heerroneously desired and sought it. But certainly it is not at all to bewondered at, that a youth, a young convert, one who had his heart soswallowed up in religion, and who so earnestly desired his flourishingstate—andwhohadso littleopportunity for reading,observation,andexperience—shouldforawhilebedazzledanddeceivedwiththeglaringappearances of mistaken devotion and zeal; especially considering theextraordinary circumstances of that day.He toldme on his death-bed,thatwhilehewasinthesecircumstanceshewasoutofhiselement,anddidviolencetohimself,whilecomplying,inhisconduct,withpersonsofafierce and imprudent zeal, fromhis great veneration of somewhomhelooked upon as better than himself. So that it would be veryunreasonable,thathiserroratthattimeshouldneverthelessbeesteemeda just ground of prejudice against the whole of his religion, and hischaracter in general; especially considering, how greatly hismind soonchanged, and how exceedingly he afterwards lamented his error, andabhorred himself for his imprudent zeal and misconduct at that time,even to the breaking of his heart, and almost to the overbearing of hisnatural strength; and how much of a Christian spirit he showed, incondemninghimselfforthatmisconduct,asthereaderwillsee.

WhathasbeennowmentionedofMr.Brainerd,issofarfrombeingajustgroundofprejudiceagainstwhatisrelatedinthefollowingaccountofhislife, that, if duly considered, it will render the history the moreserviceable.Forbyhisthusjoiningforaseasonwithenthusiasts,hehadamore full and intimateacquaintancewithwhatbelonged to that sortofreligion; and sowas under better advantages to judge of the differencebetweenthat,andwhathefinallyapproved,andstrovetohisutmosttopromote, in opposition to it. And hereby the reader has the more toconvincehimthatMr.Brainerd,inhistestimonyagainstit,andthespiritandbehaviourof thosewhoare influencedby it, speaks from impartialconviction,andnotfromprejudice;becausethereinheopenlycondemnshisownformeropinionandconduct,onaccountofwhichhehadgreatlysuffered fromhis opposers, and forwhich some continued to reproachhimaslongashelived.

Another imperfection in Mr. Brainerd, which may be observed in thefollowing account of his life, was his being excessive in his labors; nottakingduecaretoproportionhisfatiguestohisstrength.Indeedthecasewas very often such, by the seeming calls of Providence, as made itextremelydifficult forhimtoavoiddoingmorethanhisstrengthwouldwell admit of; yea, his circumstances and the business of his missionamong the Indians were such, that great fatigues and hardships werealtogether inevitable. However, he was finally convinced, that he haderredinthismatter,andthatheoughttohavetakenmorethoroughcare,andbeenmoreresolutetowithstandtemptationstosuchdegreesoflaborasinjuredhishealth;andaccordinglywarnedhisbrother,whosucceedshiminhismission,tobecarefultoavoidthiserror.

Besides the imperfections alreadymentioned, it is readily allowed, thatthere were some imperfections which ran through his whole life, andweremixedwithallhisreligiousaffectionsandexercises;somemixtureofwhatwasnaturalwiththatwhichwasspiritual;asitevermoreisinthebestsaintsinthisworld.Doubtless,naturaltemperhadsomeinfluenceinthe religious exercises and experiences of Mr. Brainerd, as there mostapparentlywas intheexercisesofdevoutDavid,andtheapostlesPeter,John,andPaul.Therewasundoubtedlyveryoftensomeinfluenceofhisnaturaldispositiontodejection,inhisreligiousmourning;somemixtureofmelancholywithtrulygodlysorrowandrealChristianhumility;somemixtureofthenaturalfireofyouthwithhisholyzealforGod;andsomeinfluenceofnaturalprinciplesmixedwithgraceinvariousotherrespects,asiteverwasandeverwillbewiththesaintswhileonthissideheaven.PerhapsnoneweremoresensibleofMr.Brainerd'simperfectionsthanhehimself;orcoulddistinguishmoreaccuratelythanhe,betweenwhatwasnatural and what was spiritual. It is easy for the judicious reader toobserve, that his graces ripened, the religious exercises of his heartbecamemoreandmorepure,andhemoreandmoredistinguishedinhisjudgment,thelongerhelived:hehadmuchtoteachandpurifyhim,andhefailednottomakehisadvantage.

Butnotwithstandingalltheseimperfections,Iampersuadedeverypiousandjudiciousreaderwillacknowledge,thatwhatisheresetbeforehimisindeedaremarkableinstanceoftrueandeminentChristianpietyinheart

andpractice—tendinggreatlytoconfirmtherealityofvitalreligion,andthepowerofgodliness— that it ismostworthyof imitation,andmanywayscalculatedtopromotethespiritualbenefitofthecarefulobserver.

It isfitthereadershouldbeaware,thatwhatMr.Brainerdwroteinhisdiary,outofwhichthefollowingaccountofhis life ischieflytaken,waswrittenonlyforhisownprivateuse,andnottogethonourandapplauseintheworld,norwithanydesignthattheworldshouldeverseeit,eitherwhilehelivedorafterhisdeath;exceptingsomefewthingsthathewroteinadyingstate,afterhehadbeenpersuaded,withdifficulty,notentirelytosuppressallhisprivatewritings.Heshowedhimselfalmostinvinciblyaversetothepublishingofanypartofhisdiaryafterhisdeath;andwhenhewasthoughttobedyingatBoston,hegavethemoststrict,peremptoryorders to thecontrary.Butbeingbysomeofhis friends thereprevailedupon to withdraw so strict and absolute a prohibition, he was pleasedfinallytoyieldsofarasthat"hispapersshouldbeleftinmyhands,thatImightdisposeofthemasIthoughtwouldbemostforGod'sgloryandtheinterestofreligion."

Butafewdaysbeforehisdeath,heorderedsomepartofhisdiarytobedestroyed,which renders the account of his life the less complete. Andthere are some parts of his diary here left out for brevity's sake, thatwould,Iamsensible,havebeenagreatadvantagetothehistory,iftheyhad been inserted; particularly the account of his wonderful successesamongtheIndians;whichforsubstance is thesameinhisprivatediarywiththatwhichhasalreadybeenmadepublic,inthejournalhekeptbyorderofthesocietyinScotland,fortheirinformation.Thataccount,Iamof opinion, would bemore entertaining andmore profitable, if it werepublished as it is written in his diary, in connection with his secretreligionandtheinwardexercisesofhismind,andalsowiththeprecedingandfollowingpartsofthestoryofhis life.Butbecausethataccounthasbeenpublishedalready,Ihavethereforeomittedthatpart.However,thisdefectmay in a greatmeasurebemadeup to the reader, by thepublicjournal.—But it is time toend thispreface, that the readermaybenolongerdetainedfromthehistoryitself.

JonathanEdwards

FromHisBirth,ToTheTimeWhenHeBeganToStudyForTheMinistry.

MR.DAVIDBRAINERDwasbornApril20,1718,atHaddam,atownofHartford, in Connecticut, New England. His father was the worshipfulHezekiahBrainerd,Esq.oneofhisMajesty'scouncilforthatcolony;whowasthesonofDanielBrainerd,Esq.ajusticeofthepeace,andadeaconofthechurchofChristinHaddam.HismotherwasMrs.DorothyHobart,daughtertotheReverendMr.JeremiahHobart;whopreachedawhileatTopsfield,thenremovedtoHempsteadonLong-Island,andafterwards—by reason of numbers turning Quakers, and many others being soirreligious,thattheywoulddonothingtowardsthesupportofthegospel—settled in theworkof theministry atHaddam;wherehedied in the85thyearofhisage.Hewenttothepublicworshipintheforenoon,anddiedinhischairbetweenmeetings.Thisreverendgentlemanwasasonofthe Reverend Peter Hobart; who was, first, minister of the gospel atHingham, in the county of Norfolk in England; and, by reason of thepersecution of the Puritans, removed with his family to New England,andwas settled in theministry atHingham, inMassachusetts.He hadfivesons,viz.Joshua,Jeremiah,Gershom,Japheth,andNehemiah.HissonJoshuawasministeratSoutholdonLong-Island.JeremiahwasMr.David Brainerd's grandfather, minister at Haddam, &c. as beforeobserved;GershomwasministerofGrotoninConnecticut;Japhethwasaphysician;hewentinthequalityofadoctorofashiptoEngland,(beforethetimeoftakinghisseconddegreeatcollege,)anddesignedtogofromthence to theEast Indies;butneverwasheardofmore.Nehemiahwassometime fellowofHarvardcollege,andafterwardsministeratNewtonin Massachusetts. The mother of Mrs. Dorothy Hobart (who wasafterwards Brainerd) was a daughter of the Reverend SamuelWhiting,ministerofthegospel, firstatBostoninLincolnshire,andafterwardsatLynn in Massachusetts, New England. He had three sons who wereministersofthegospel.

DavidBrainerdwasthethirdsonofhisparents.Theyhadfivesons,andfour daughters. Their eldest son isHezekiahBrainerd,Esq. a justice ofthe peace, and for several years past a representative of the town ofHaddam,inthegeneralassemblyofConnecticutcolony;thesecondwasthe Reverend Nehemiah Brainerd, a worthy minister at Eastbury inConnecticut,whodiedofaconsumption,Nov.10,1742;thefourthisMr.John Brainerd, who succeeds his brother David as missionary to theIndians, and pastor of the same church of Christian Indians in NewJersey; and the fifth was Israel, lately student at Yale college in New-Haven, who died since his brother David. — Mrs. Dorothy Brainerdhavinglivedaboutfiveyearsawidow,diedwhenherson,ofwhoselifeIamabouttogiveanaccount,wasaboutfourteenyearsofage:sothatinhisyouthhewasleftbothfatherlessandmotherless.Whataccounthehasgivenofhimself,andhisownlife,maybeseeninwhatfollows.[1]

"Iwasfrommyyouthsomewhatsober,andinclinedrathertomelancholythanthecontraryextreme;butdonotrememberanythingofconvictionofsin,worthyofremark,tillIwas,Ibelieve,aboutsevenoreightyearsofage.ThenIbecameconcernedformysoul,andterrifiedatthethoughtsofdeath,andwasdriventotheperformanceofduties:butitappearedamelancholybusiness,thatdestroyedmyeagernessforplay.Andthough,alas! this religious concern was but short-lived, I sometimes attendedsecretprayer;andthuslivedat"easeinZion,withoutGodintheworld,"andwithoutmuchconcern,asIremember,tillIwasabovethirteenyearsof age. But some time in the winter 1732, I was roused out of carnalsecurity,byIscarceknowwhatmeansatfirst;butwasmuchexcitedbytheprevailingofamortalsicknessinHaddam.Iwasfrequent,constant,and somewhat fervent induties; and tookdelight in reading, especiallyMr. Janeway's Token for Children. I felt sometimes much melted induties, and took great delight in the performance of them; and IsometimeshopedthatIwasconverted,oratleastinagoodandhopefulway for heaven and happiness, not knowingwhat conversionwas. TheSpiritofGodatthistimeproceededfarwithme;Iwasremarkablydeadto theworld, andmy thoughtswere almostwholly employed aboutmysoul'sconcerns;andImayindeedsay,"AlmostIwaspersuadedtobeaChristian."Iwasalsoexceedinglydistressedandmelancholyatthedeathofmymother,inMarch,1732.Butafterwardsmyreligiousconcernbegan

to decline, and by degrees I fell back into a considerable degree ofsecurity,thoughIstillattendedsecretprayer.

"Aboutthe15thofApril,1733,Iremovedfrommyfather'shousetoEastHaddam,whereIspentfouryears;butstill"withoutGodintheworld,"though,forthemostpart,Iwentaroundofsecretduty.Iwasnotmuchaddictedtoyoungcompany,orfrolicking,asitiscalled,butthisIknow,thatwhenIdidgo intosuchcompany, Inever returnedwithsogoodaconscienceaswhenIwent;italwaysaddednewguilt,mademeafraidtocome to the throneofgrace,andspoiled thosegood frames Iwaswontsometimestopleasemyselfwith.But,alas!allmygoodframeswerebutself-righteousness,notfoundedonadesireforthegloryofGod.

"About the latter end of April, 1737, being full nineteen years of age, Iremoved toDurham, towork onmy farm, and so continued about oneyear; frequently longing, from a natural inclination, after a liberaleducation.Whenabouttwentyyearsofage,Iappliedmyselftostudy;andwasnowengagedmorethaneverinthedutiesofreligion.Ibecameverystrict,andwatchfulovermythoughts,words,andactions;andthoughtImust be sober indeed, because I designed to devote myself to theministry;andimaginedIdiddedicatemyselftotheLord.

SometimeinApril,1738,IwenttoMr.Fiske's,andlivedwithhimduringhis life. [2] I remember he advised me wholly to abandon youngcompany,andassociatemyselfwithgraveelderlypeople:whichcounselIfollowed. My manner of life was now exceeding regular, and full ofreligion,suchas itwas; forI readmyBiblemore thantwice through inless than a year, spentmuch time everyday inprayer andother secretduties,gavegreatattentiontothewordpreached,andendeavouredtomyutmosttoretainit.SomuchconcernedwasIaboutreligion,thatIagreedwith some young persons to meet privately on sabbath evenings forreligiousexercises,andthoughtmyselfsincereintheseduties;andafterour meeting was ended, I used to repeat the discourses of the day tomyself;recollectingwhatIcould,thoughsometimesverylateatnight.IusedsometimesonMondaymorningstorecollectthesamesermons;hadconsiderable moving of pleasurable affection in duties, and had manythoughtsof joining thechurch. Inshort, Ihadaverygoodoutside,andrestedentirelyonmyduties,thoughnotsensibleofit.

"AfterMr.Fiske'sdeath,Iproceededinmylearningwithmybrother;wasstillveryconstantinreligiousduties,andoftenwonderedatthelevityofprofessors;itwasatroubletome,thattheyweresocarelessinreligiousmatters. — Thus I proceeded a considerable length on a self-righteousfoundation;andshouldhavebeenentirelylostandundone,hadnotthemeremercyofGodprevented.

"Some time in the beginning of winter, 1738, it pleased God, on onesabbath-daymorning,asIwaswalkingoutforsomesecretduties,togivemeonasuddensuchasenseofmydanger,andthewrathofGod,thatIstood amazed, and my former good frames, that I had pleased myselfwith,allpresentlyvanished.FromtheviewIhadofmysinandvileness,Iwasmuch distressed all that day, fearing the vengeance of God wouldsoonovertakeme.Iwasmuchdejected,keptmuchalone,andsometimesenvied the birds and beasts their happiness, because they were notexposedtoeternalmisery,asIevidentlysawIwas.AndthusIlivedfromdaytoday,beingfrequentlyingreatdistress:sometimesthereappearedmountains beforeme to obstructmy hopes ofmercy; and the work ofconversionappearedsogreat,thatIthoughtIshouldneverbethesubjectof it. Iused,however, toprayandcrytoGod,andperformotherdutieswithgreatearnestness;andthushopedbysomemeanstomakethecasebetter.

"Andthough,hundredsoftimes,Irenouncedallpretencesofanyworthin my duties, as I thought, even while performing them, and oftenconfessedtoGodthatIdeservednothing,fortheverybestofthem,buteternal condemnation; yet still I had a secret hope of recommendingmyselftoGodbymyreligiousduties.WhenIprayedaffectionately,andmyheartseemedinsomemeasuretomelt,IhopedGodwouldbetherebymoved to pity me, my prayers then looked with some appearance ofgoodness in them, and I seemed tomourn for sin.And then I could insome measure venture on the mercy of God in Christ, as I thought,though the preponderating thought, the foundation of my hope, wassomeimaginationofgoodnessinmyheart-meltings,flowingofaffectionsin duty, extraordinary enlargements, &c. Though at times the gateappearedsoverystrait,thatitlookednexttoimpossibletoenter,yet,atothertimes,Iflatteredmyselfthatitwasnotsoverydifficult,andhopedI

should by diligence and watchfulness soon gain the point. Sometimesafterenlargementindutyandconsiderableaffection,IhopedIhadmadeagoodsteptowardsheaven;imaginedthatGodwasaffectedasIwas,andthathewouldhearsuchsincerecries,asIcalledthem.Andsosometimes,when I withdrew for secret duties in great distress, I returnedcomfortable;andthushealedmyselfwithmyduties.

"Some time in February, 1739, I set apart a day for secret fasting andprayer,andspentthedayinalmostincessantcriestoGodformercy,thathewouldopenmyeyestoseetheevilofsin,andthewayoflifebyJesusChrist.AndGodwaspleasedthatdaytomakeconsiderablediscoveriesofmyheart tome.Butstill I trusted inall theduties Iperformed; thoughtherewasnomannerofgoodnessinthem,therebeinginthemnorespectto the glory of God, nor any such principle inmy heart. Yet, God waspleased to make my endeavours that day a means to show me myhelplessnessinsomemeasure.

"SometimesIwasgreatlyencouraged,andimaginedthatGodlovedme,andwaspleasedwithme;andthoughtIshouldsoonbefullyreconciledtoGod.But thewholewas foundedonmerepresumption,arising fromenlargement induty,or flowingofaffections,orsomegoodresolutions,andthelike.Andwhen,attimes,greatdistressbegantoarise,onasightof my vileness, nakedness, and inability to deliver myself from asovereignGod,Iusedtoputoffthediscovery,aswhatIcouldnotbear.Once, I remember, a pang of distress seized me, and the thoughts ofrenouncing myself, and standing naked before God, stripped of allgoodness,weresodreadfultome,thatIwasreadytosaytothemasFelixtoPaul,`Gothywayforthistime.'Thus,thoughIdailylongedforgreaterconvictionofsin,supposingthatImustseemoreofmydreadfulstateinordertoaremedy;yetwhenthediscoveriesofmyvile,hellishheart,weremade to me, the sight was so dreadful, and showedme so plainly myexposedness to damnation, that I could not endure it. — I constantlystroveafterwhateverqualificationsIimaginedothersobtainedbeforethereceptionofChrist,inordertorecommendmetohisfavour.SometimesIfelt thepowerofahardheart,andsupposed itmustbesoftenedbeforeChristwouldacceptofme;andwhenIfeltanymeltingsofheart,Ihopednowtheworkwasalmostdone.Hence,whenmydistressstillremained,I

was wont to murmur at God's dealings with me; and thought, whenothers felt their hearts softened, God showed them mercy; but mydistressremainedstill.

"SometimesIgrewremissandsluggish,withoutanygreatconvictionsofsin,foraconsiderabletimetogether;butaftersuchaseason,convictionsseizedmemoreviolently.OnenightIrememberinparticular,whenIwaswalkingsolitarilyabroad,Ihadopenedtomesuchaviewofmysin,thatIfearedthegroundwouldcleaveasunderundermyfeet,andbecomemygrave;andwouldsendmysoulquickintohell,beforeIcouldgethome.And though I was forced to go to bed, lest my distress should bediscoveredbyothers,which Imuch feared;yet I scarcelydurst sleepatall, forIthoughtitwouldbeagreatwonderifIshouldbeoutofhell inthemorning. And thoughmy distress was sometimes thus great, yet Igreatlydreaded the lossof convictions,andreturningback toa stateofcarnalsecurity,andtomyformerinsensibilityofimpendingwrath;whichmademeexceedingexactinmybehaviour,lestIshouldstiflethemotionsofGod'sHolySpirit.WhenatanytimeI tookaviewofmyconvictions,andthoughtthedegreeofthemtobeconsiderable,Iwaswonttotrustinthem;but this confidence, and thehopesof soonmaking somenotableadvancestowardsdeliverance,wouldeasemymind,andIsoonbecamemore senseless and remiss: but then again, when I discerned myconvictionstogrowlanguid,andIthoughtthemabouttoleaveme,thisimmediatelyalarmedanddistressedme.SometimesIexpectedtotakealarge step, and get very far towards conversion, by some particularopportunityormeansIhadinview.

"Themanydisappointments,greatdistresses,andperplexityImetwith,putmeintoamosthorribleframeofcontestingwiththeAlmighty;withaninwardvehemenceandvirulencefindingfaultwithhiswaysofdealingwithmankind. I foundgreat faultwith the imputationofAdam's sin tohis posterity; andmywickedheart oftenwished for someotherway ofsalvation,thanbyJesusChrist.Beinglikethetroubledsea,mythoughtsconfused, I used to contrive to escape thewrath ofGod by some othermeans. I had strange projects, full of atheism, contriving to disappointGod's designs and decrees concerningme, or to escape his notice, andhidemyself from him. But when, upon reflection, I saw these projects

werevain,andwouldnotserveme,andthatIcouldcontrivenothingformyownrelief;thiswouldthrowmymindintothemosthorridframe,towishtherewasnoGod,ortowishthereweresomeotherGodthatcouldcontrolhim,&c.Thesethoughtsanddesireswerethesecretinclinationsofmy heart, frequently acting before I was aware; but, alas! theyweremine,althoughIwasaffrightedwhenIcametoreflectonthem.WhenIconsidered,itdistressedmetothink,thatmyheartwassofullofenmityagainstGod;anditmademetremble,lesthisvengeanceshouldsuddenlyfalluponme.Iusedbeforeto imagine,thatmyheartwasnotsobadastheScripturesandsomeotherbooksrepresentedit.SometimesIusedtotakemuchpainstoworkitupintoagoodframe,anhumblesubmissivedisposition; andhoped therewas then somegoodness inme.But, onasudden, the thoughts of the strictness of the law, or the sovereignty ofGod,wouldsoirritatethecorruptionofmyheart,thatIhadsowatchedover,andhopedIhadbroughttoagoodframe,thatitwouldbreakoverall bounds, and burst forth on all sides, like floods ofwaterwhen theybreakdowntheirdam.

"Beingsensibleofthenecessityofadeephumiliationinordertoasavingclose with Christ, I used to set myself to work inmy own heart thoseconvictions thatwere requisite in such an humiliation; as, a convictionthatGodwouldbejust,ifhecastmeoffforever;thatifeverGodshouldbestow mercy on me, it would be mere grace, though I should be indistressmanyyearsfirst,andbeneversomuchengagedinduty;thatGodwasnotintheleastobligedtopitymethemoreforallpastduties,cries,and tears,&c. I strove tomyutmost to bringmyself to a firmbelief ofthese things and a hearty assent to them; and hoped that now I wasbroughtoff frommyself, trulyhumbled, and that Ibowed to thedivinesovereignty.IwaswonttotellGod inmyprayers, thatnowIhadthoseverydispositionsofsoulthatherequired,andonwhichheshowedmercytoothers,and thereupontobegandplead formercy tome.ButwhenIfoundnorelief,andwasstilloppressedwithguilt,andfearsofwrath,mysoulwas ina tumult, andmyheart roseagainstGod, asdealinghardlywithme.Yetthenmyconscienceflewinmyface,puttingmeinmindofmylateconfessiontoGodofhisjusticeinmycondemnation,&c.Andthisgiving me a sight of the badness of my heart, threw me again intodistress,andIwishedIhadwatchedmyheartmorenarrowly,tokeepit

frombreakingout againstGod'sdealingswithme; and I evenwished Ihadnotpleadedformercyonaccountofmyhumiliation,becausetherebyI had lost all my seeming goodness. — Thus, scores of times, I vainlyimaginedmyself humbled and prepared for savingmercy. And while Iwas in this distressed, bewildered, and tumultuous state of mind, thecorruptionofmyheartwasespeciallyirritatedwiththefollowingthings.

"1.Thestrictnessofthedivinelaw.ForIfounditwasimpossibleforme,after my utmost pains, to answer its demands. I often made newresolutions,andasoftenbrokethem.Iimputedthewholetocarelessnessandthewantofbeingmorewatchful,andusedtocallmyselfafoolformynegligence. But when, upon a stronger resolution, and greaterendeavours, and close application to fasting and prayer, I found allattemptsfail;thenIquarreledwiththelawofGod,asunreasonablyrigid.I thought, if it extended only to my outward actions and behaviours Icouldbearwithit;butIfounditcondemnedmeformyevilthoughts,andsins of my heart, which I could not possibly prevent. I was extremelylothe to own my utter helplessness in this matter: but after repeateddisappointments,thoughtthat,ratherthanperish,Icoulddoalittlemorestill; especially if such and such circumstances might but attend myendeavours and strivings. I hoped, that I should strive more earnestlythanever,ifthemattercametoextremity—thoughInevercouldfindthetimetodomyutmost,inthemannerIintended—andthishopeoffuturemorefavourablecircumstances,andofdoingsomethinggreathereafter,keptmefromutterdespairinmyself,andfromseeingmyselffallenintothe hands of a sovereign God, and dependent on nothing but free andboundlessgrace.

"2.Anotherthingwas,thatfaithalonewastheconditionofsalvation;thatGodwouldnotcomedowntolowerterms,andthathewouldnotpromiselife and salvationuponmy sincere andhearty prayers and endeavours.Thatword,Markxvi.16."Hethatbelievethnot,shallbedamned,"cutoffall hope there: and I found, faith was the sovereign gift of God; that Icouldnotgetitasofmyself,andcouldnotobligeGodtobestowituponme,byanyofmyperformances,(Eph.ii.1,8.)This,Iwasreadytosay,isa hard saying, who can bear it? I could not bear, that all I had doneshouldstandformerenothing,whohadbeenveryconscientiousinduty,

hadbeenexceedingreligiousagreatwhile,andhad,as I thought,donemuch more than many others who had obtained mercy. I confessedindeedthevilenessofmyduties;butthen,whatmadethematthattimeseemvile,wasmywanderingthoughtsinthem;notbecauseIwasalloverdefiledlikeadevil,andtheprinciplecorruptfromwhencetheyflowed,sothat I could not possibly do any thing that was good. And therefore IcalledwhatIdid,bythenameofhonest faithfulendeavours;andcouldnotbearit,thatGodhadmadenopromisesofsalvationtothem.

"3.Anotherthingwas,thatIcouldnotfindoutwhatfaithwas;orwhatitwastobelieve,andcometoChrist.IreadthecallsofChristtothewearyandheavyladen;butcouldfindnowaythathedirectedthemtocomein.I thought Iwould gladly come, if I knewhow, though the path of dutywerenever so difficult. I readMr. Stoddard'sGuide toChrist, (which Itrustwas, in thehandofGod, thehappymeansofmyconversion,)andmyheartroseagainsttheauthor;forthoughhetoldmemyveryheartallalongunder convictions, and seemed to be very beneficial tome in hisdirections;yetherehefailed,hedidnottellmeanythingIcoulddothatwouldbringmetoChrist,butleftmeasitwerewithagreatgulfbetween,without any direction to get through. For I was not yet effectually andexperimentally,taught,thattherecouldbenowayprescribed,wherebyanaturalmancould,ofhisownstrength,obtainthatwhichissupernatural,andwhichthehighestangelcannotgive.

"4. Another thing towhich I found a great inward opposition, was thesovereignty of God. I could not bear that it should be wholly at God'spleasuretosaveordamnme,justashewould.

Thatpassage,Rom. ix. 11-23.was a constant vexation tome, especiallyver. 21. Reading or meditating on this, always destroyed my seeminggood frames: for when I thought I was almost humbled, and almostresigned,thispassagewouldmakemyenmityagainstthesovereigntyofGodappear.WhenIcametoreflectonmyinwardenmityandblasphemy,whicharoseon thisoccasion, Iwas themoreafraidofGod,anddrivenfurther from any hopes of reconciliation with him. It gave me such adreadfulviewofmyself, that Idreadedmore thanever to seemyself inGod's hands, at his sovereign disposal, and itmadememore oppositethan ever to submit to his sovereignty; for I thoughtGod designedmy

damnation.

"AllthistimetheSpiritofGodwaspowerfullyatworkwithme;andIwasinwardly pressed to relinquish all self-confidence, all hopes of everhelpingmyselfbyanymeanswhatsoever:and theconvictionofmy lostestatewassometimessoclearandmanifestbeforemyeyes,thatitwasasifithadbeendeclaredtomeinsomanywords,`Itisdone,itisdone,foreverimpossibletodeliveryourself.'Foraboutthreeorfourdaysmysoulwasthusgreatlydistressed.Atsometurns,forafewmoments,Iseemedtomyselflostandundone;butthenwouldshrinkbackimmediatelyfromthesight,because Idarednotventuremyself into thehandsofGod,aswhollyhelpless,andatthedisposalofhissovereignpleasure.Idarednotseethatimportanttruthconcerningmyself,thatIwasdeadintrespassesandsins.ButwhenIhadasitwerethrustawaytheseviewsofmyselfatany time, I feltdistressed tohave the samediscoveriesofmyself again;for I greatly feared being given over of God to final stupidity.When Ithoughtofputtingitofftoamoreconvenientseason,theconvictionwasso close and powerful, with regard to the present time, that it was thebest,andprobablytheonlytime,thatIdarednotputitoff.

"Itwasthesightoftruthconcerningmyself,truthrespectingmystate,asa creature fallen and alienated fromGod, and that consequently couldmakenodemandsonGodformercy,butmustsubscribetotheabsolutesovereignty of the Divine Being; the sight of the truth, I say, my soulshrankawayfrom,andtrembledtothinkofbeholding.Thus,hethatdothevil, as all unregenerate men continually do, hates the light of truth,neither cares to come to it, because itwill reprovehisdeeds, and showhimhis justdeserts, John iii. 20.And though, some timebefore, Ihadtakenmuchpains,asIthought,tosubmittothesovereigntyofGod,yetImistookthething;anddidnotonceimagine,thatseeingandbeingmadeexperimentally sensible of this truth, which my soul now so muchdreadedandtrembledat,wastheframeofsoulthatIhadbeensoearnestinpursuitofheretofore.ForIhadeverhoped,thatwhenIhadattainedtothathumiliation,which I supposednecessary togobefore faith, then itwouldnotbefairforGodtocastmeoff;butnowIsawitwassofarfromanygoodness inme, toownmyself spirituallydead,anddestituteofallgoodness,that,onthecontrary,mymouthwouldbeforeverstoppedby

it;anditlookedasdreadfultome,toseemyself,andtherelationIstoodintoGod—Iasinnerandcriminal,andheagreatJudgeandSovereign—as itwouldbetoapoortremblingcreature, toventureoffsomehighprecipice.AndhenceIputitoffforaminuteortwo,andtriedforbettercircumstances to do it in; either Imust read a passage or two, or prayfirst, or something of the like nature; or else put offmy submission toGod'ssovereignty,withanobjection,thatIdidnotknowhowtosubmit.Butthetruthwas,Icouldseenosafetyinowningmyselfinthehandsofasovereign God, and that I could lay no claim to any thing better thandamnation.

"Butafteraconsiderabletimespentinsuchlikeexercisesanddistresses,onemorning,whileIwaswalking inasolitaryplace,asusual,Iatoncesawthatallmycontrivancesandprojectstoeffectorprocuredeliveranceand salvation formyself,were utterly in vain; Iwas brought quite to astand, as findingmyself totally lost. I had thoughtmany times before,thatthedifficultiesinmywaywereverygreat;butnowIsaw,inanotherandverydifferentlight,thatitwasforeverimpossibleformetodoanything towards helping or delivering myself. I then thought of blamingmyself, that Ihadnotdonemore, andbeenmoreengaged,while Ihadopportunity— for it seemednowas if the seasonofdoingwas for everoverandgone—butIinstantlysaw,thatletmehavedonewhatIwould,it would nomore have tended to my helping myself, than what I haddone;thatIhadmadeallthepleasIevercouldhavemadetoalleternity;andthatallmypleaswerevain.Thetumultthathadbeenbefore inmymind,wasnowquieted;andIwassomethingeasedofthatdistress,whichI felt, while struggling against a sight of myself, and of the divinesovereignty. I had the greatest certainty that my state was for evermiserable, for all that I could do; andwondered that I hadnever beensensibleofitbefore.

"While I remained in this state,my notions respectingmy duties werequite different from what I had ever entertained in times past. Beforethis,themoreIdidinduty,themorehardIthoughtitwouldbeforGodtocastmeoff; thoughat thesametimeIconfessed,andthoughtIsaw,thattherewasnogoodnessormeritinmyduties;butnowthemoreIdidin prayer or any other duty, themore I saw Iwas indebted toGod for

allowingmetoaskformercy;forIsawitwasself-interesthadledmetopray,andthatIhadneveronceprayed fromanyrespect to thegloryofGod.NowIsawtherewasnonecessaryconnectionbetweenmyprayersand the bestowment of divine mercy; that they laid not the leastobligationuponGodtobestowhisgraceuponme;andthattherewasnomore virtue or goodness in them, than therewould be inmy paddlingwithmyhandinthewater,(whichwasthecomparisonIhadtheninmymind,)andthisbecausetheywerenotperformedfromanyloveorregardto God. I saw that I had been heaping up my devotions before God,fasting, praying,&c. pretending, and indeed really thinking sometimes,thatIwasaimingatthegloryofGod;whereasIneveroncetrulyintendedit,butonlymyownhappiness.Isaw,thatasIhadneverdoneanythingforGod,Ihadnoclaimonanythingfromhim,butperdition,onaccountof my hypocrisy and mockery. Oh how different did my duties nowappear fromwhat theyused to do! I used to charge themwith sin andimperfection; but thiswas only on account of thewanderings and vainthoughts attending them, and not because I had no regard to God inthem;forthisIthoughtIhad.ButwhenIsawevidentlythatIhadregardto nothing but self-interest, then they appeared a vilemockery ofGod,self-worship, and a continual course of lies; so that I now saw thatsomethingworsehadattendedmyduties,thanbarelyafewwanderings,&c.; for thewholewas nothing but self-worship, and a horrid abuse ofGod.

"Icontinued,asIremember,inthisstateofmind,fromFridaymorningtill the sabbath evening following, (July 12, 1739,) when I waswalkingagain in thesamesolitaryplace,whereIwasbrought toseemyself lostandhelpless,asbeforementioned.Here,inamournfulmelancholystate,I was attempting to pray; but found no heart to engage in that or anyother duty; my former concern, exercise, and religious affections werenowgone.IthoughttheSpiritofGodhadquiteleftme;butstillwasnotdistressed: yet disconsolate, as if therewas nothing in heaven or earthcouldmakemehappy.Havingbeenthusendeavouringtopray—though,asIthought,verystupidandsenseless—fornearhalfanhour,then,asIwaswalkinginadarkthickgrove,unspeakablegloryseemedtoopentothe view and apprehension of my soul. I do not mean any externalbrightness,forIsawnosuchthing;nordoIintendanyimaginationofa

body of light, somewhere in the third heavens, or any thing of thatnature;butitwasanewinwardapprehensionorviewthatIhadofGod,suchasIneverhadbefore,noranythingwhichhadtheleastresemblanceofit.Istoodstill,wondered,andadmired!IknewthatIneverhadseenbeforeanythingcomparabletoitforexcellencyandbeauty;itwaswidelydifferentfromalltheconceptionsthateverIhadofGod,orthingsdivine.IhadnoparticularapprehensionofanyonepersonintheTrinity,eithertheFather,theSon,ortheHolyGhost;butitappearedtobedivineglory.Mysoulrejoicedwithjoyunspeakable,toseesuchaGod,suchagloriousDivineBeing;andIwasinwardlypleasedandsatisfiedthatheshouldbeGodoverall foreverandever.Mysoulwassocaptivatedanddelightedwith the excellency, loveliness, greatness, andotherperfectionsofGod,thatIwasevenswallowedupinhim;atleasttothatdegree,thatIhadnothought (as I remember) at first about my own salvation, and scarcereflectedtherewassuchacreatureasmyself.

"ThusGod,Itrust,broughtmetoaheartydispositiontoexalthim,andsethimonthethrone,andprincipallyandultimatelytoaimathishonourandglory,asKingoftheuniverse.Icontinuedinthisstateofinwardjoy,peace,andastonishment,tillneardark,withoutanysensibleabatement;and thenbegan to thinkandexaminewhat Ihadseen;and felt sweetlycomposed inmymind all the evening following. I feltmyself in a newworld, and every thingaboutmeappearedwith adifferent aspect fromwhat itwaswonttodo.Atthistime,thewayofsalvationopenedtomewithsuchinfinitewisdom,suitableness,andexcellency,thatIwonderedIshouldever thinkofanyotherwayof salvation;wasamazed that Ihadnotdroppedmyowncontrivances,andcompliedwiththislovely,blessed,andexcellentwaybefore.IfIcouldhavebeensavedbymyownduties,oranyotherway that Ihad formerlycontrived,mywholesoulwouldnowhaverefusedit.Iwonderedthatalltheworlddidnotseeandcomplywiththiswayofsalvation,entirelybytherighteousnessofChrist.

"ThesweetrelishofwhatIthenfelt,continuedwithmeforseveraldays,almost constantly, in a greater or less degree; I could not but sweetlyrejoice in God, lying down and rising up. The next Lord's day I feltsomethingof the samekind, thoughnot sopowerful asbefore.Butnotlong after I was again involved in thick darkness, and under great

distress; yetnotof the samekindwithmydistressunderconvictions. Iwas guilty, afraid, and ashamed to come before God; was exceedinglypressedwithasenseofguilt:butitwasnotlongbeforeIfelt,Itrust,truerepentanceandjoyinGod.—AboutthelatterendofAugust,Iagainfellundergreatdarkness;itseemedasifthepresenceofGodwascleangoneforever;thoughIwasnotsomuchdistressedaboutmyspiritualstate,asIwasatmybeingshutoutfromGod'spresence,asIthensensiblywas.ButitpleasedtheLordtoreturngraciouslytome,notlongafter.

"InthebeginningofSeptemberIwenttocollege,[3]andenteredthere;butwith somedegreeof reluctance, fearing lest I shouldnotbeable toleada lifeof strict religion, in [3] themidstof somany temptations.—Afterthis,inthevacancy,beforeIwenttotarryatcollege,itpleasedGodtovisitmysoulwithclearermanifestationsofhimselfandhisgrace.Iwasspending some time inprayer, and self-examination,when theLordbyhis grace so shined intomy heart, that I enjoyed full assurance of hisfavour,forthattime;andmysoulwasunspeakablyrefreshedwithdivineandheavenlyenjoyments.Atthistimeespecially,aswellassomeothers,sundrypassagesofGod'swordopenedtomysoulwithdivineclearness,power,andsweetness,soastoappearexceedingprecious,andwithclearandcertainevidenceofitsbeingthewordofGod.Ienjoyedconsiderablesweetnessinreligionallthewinterfollowing.

"InJan.1740,themeaslesspreadmuchincollege;andIhavingtakenthedistemper,wenthometoHaddam.ButsomedaysbeforeIwastakensick,Iseemedtobegreatlydeserted,andmysoulmournedtheabsenceoftheComforterexceedingly.Itseemedtomeallcomfortwasforevergone;IprayedandcriedtoGodforhelp,yetfoundnopresentcomfortorrelief.Butthroughdivinegoodness,anightortwobeforeIwastakenill,whileIwaswalkingaloneinaveryretiredplace,andengagedinmeditationandprayer,Ienjoyedasweetrefreshingvisit,asItrust, fromabove;sothatmysoulwasraisedfarabovethefearsofdeath.IndeedIratherlongedfordeath,thanfearedit.Ohowmuchmorerefreshingthisoneseasonwas,thanall thepleasuresanddelights that earth canafford!AfteradayortwoIwastakenwiththemeasles,andwasveryillindeed,sothatIalmostdespaired of life; but hadnodistressing fears of death at all.However,through divine goodness I soon recovered; yet, by reason of hard and

closestudies,andbeingmuchexposedonaccountofmyfreshmanship,Ihadbutlittletimeforspiritualduties:mysouloftenmournedforwantofmore time and opportunity to be alone with God. In the spring andsummer following, I had better advantages for retirement, and enjoyedmore comfort in religion. Though indeed my ambition in my studiesgreatlywronged the activity and vigor ofmy spiritual life; yet thiswasusually the casewithme, that "in themultitude ofmy thoughtswithinme, God's comforts principally delighted my soul;" these were mygreatestconsolationsdaybyday.

"One day I remember, in particular, (I think it was in June, 1740,) Iwalkedtoaconsiderabledistancefromthecollege,inthefieldsaloneatnoon, and in prayer found such unspeakable sweetness and delight inGod, that I thought, if Imust continue still in this evilworld, Iwantedalways to be there, to behold God's glory. My soul dearly loved allmankind,andlongedexceedinglythattheyshouldenjoywhatIenjoyed.It seemed to be a little resemblance of heaven. On Lord's day, July 6,beingsacrament-day,Ifoundsomedivinelifeandspiritualrefreshmentin thatholyordinance.WhenI came fromtheLord's table, Iwonderedhowmy fellow-students could live as I was sensiblemost did. — NextLord's day, July 13, I had some special sweetness in religion.—Again,Lord'sday,July20,mysoulwasinasweetandpreciousframe.

"SometimeinAugustfollowing,Ibecamesoweaklyanddisordered,bytoocloseapplicationtomystudies,thatIwasadvisedbymytutortogohome,anddisengagemymindfromstudy,asmuchasIcould;forIwasgrown so weak, that I began to spit blood. I took his advice, andendeavouredtolayasidemystudies.Butbeingbroughtverylow,Ilookeddeath in the facemore stedfastly; and theLordwaspleased to givemerenewedly a sweet sense and relish of divine things; and particularly,October13,Ifounddivinehelpandconsolationinthepreciousdutiesofsecret prayer and self-examination, and my soul took delight in theblessedGod:—solikewiseonthe17thofOctober.

"Saturday,Oct. 18. Inmymorning devotions,my soulwas exceedinglymelted,andbitterlymournedovermyexceedingsinfulnessandvileness.Ineverbeforehadfeltsopungentanddeepasenseoftheodiousnatureofsin,asatthistime.Mysoulwasthenunusuallycarriedforthinloveto

God,andhadalivelysenseofGod'slovetome.Andthisloveandhope,atthattime,castoutfear.BothmorningandeveningIspentsometimeinself-examination,tofindthetruthofgrace,asalsomyfitnesstoapproachtoGod at his table the next day; and through infinite grace, found theHoly Spirit influencing my soul with love to God, as a witness withinmyself.

"Lord'sday,Oct.19.InthemorningIfeltmysoulhungeringandthirstingafter righteousness. In the forenoon, while I was looking on thesacramentalelements,andthinkingthatJesusChristwouldsoonbe"setforthcrucifiedbeforeme,"mysoulwasfilledwithlightandlove,sothatIwasalmostinanecstasy;mybodywassoweak,Icouldscarcelystand.Ifelt at the same time an exceeding tenderness and most fervent lovetowardsallmankind;sothatmysoulandallthepowersofitseemed,asitwere, tomelt into softness and sweetness. But during the communion,therewassomeabatementof this lifeand fervor.This loveand joycastout fear; and my soul longed for perfect grace and glory. This framecontinued till theevening,whenmysoulwas sweetly spiritual in secretduties.

"Monday,Oct.20.IagainfoundtheassistanceoftheHolySpiritinsecretduties, both morning and evening, and life and comfort in religionthroughthewholeday.—Tuesday,Oct.21.IhadlikewiseexperienceofthegoodnessofGodin"sheddingabroadhisloveinmyheart,"andgivingmedelightandconsolationinreligiousduties;andalltheremainingpartoftheweek,mysoulseemedtobetakenupwithdivinethings.Inowsolonged after God, and to be freed from sin, that when I felt myselfrecovering,andthoughtImustreturntocollegeagain,whichhadprovedso hurtful to my spiritual interest the year past, I could not but begrieved,andIthoughtIhadmuchratherhavedied;foritdistressedmeto thinkofgettingaway fromGod.Butbefore Iwent, I enjoyedseveralothersweetandpreciousseasonsofcommunionwithGod,(particularlyOct.30,andNov.4,)whereinmysoulenjoyedunspeakablecomfort.

"I returned to college aboutNov. 6, and, through the goodness ofGod,feltthepowerofreligionalmostdaily,forthespaceofsixweeks.—Nov.28. Inmyeveningdevotion, I enjoyedpreciousdiscoveriesofGod,andwas unspeakably refreshedwith that passage,Heb. xii. 22-24.My soul

longedtowingawayfortheparadiseofGod;IlongedtobeconformedtoGod in all things.—Aday or two after, I enjoyedmuch of the light ofGod'scountenance,mostoftheday;andmysoulrestedinGod.

"Tuesday,Dec.9. Iwas inacomfortable frameofsoulmostof theday;butespeciallyineveningdevotions,whenGodwaspleasedwonderfullytoassistandstrengthenme;sothatIthoughtnothingshouldevermovemefromthe loveofGodinChristJesusmyLord.—O!onehourwithGodinfinitelyexceedsallthepleasuresanddelightsofthislowerworld.

"SometimetowardsthelatterendofJanuary,1741,Igrewmorecoldanddull in religion, by means of my old temptation, viz. ambition in mystudies.—But throughdivinegoodness,agreatandgeneralawakeningspreaditselfoverthecollege,aboutthelatterendofFebruary,inwhichIwasmuchquickened,andmoreabundantlyengagedinreligion."

This awakening was at the beginning of that extraordinary religiouscommotion through the land, which is fresh in every one'smemory. ItwasforatimeverygreatandgeneralatNew-Haven;andthecollegehadno small share in it. That societywas greatly reformed, the students ingeneralbecameserious,manyofthemremarkablyso,andmuchengagedin the concerns of their eternal salvation.Andhoweverundesirable theissueoftheawakeningsofthatdayhaveappearedinmanyothers,therehavebeenmanifestlyhappyandabidingeffectsof the impressionsthenmadeon themindsofmanyof themembersof that college.AndbyallthatIcanlearnconcerningMr.Brainerd,therecanbenoreasontodoubtbutthathehadmuchofGod'sgraciouspresence,andofthelivelyactingsoftruegrace,atthattime:butyethewasafterwardsabundantlysensible,that his religious experiences and affections at that timewere not freefromacorruptmixture,norhisconducttobeacquittedfrommanythingsthatwere imprudent andblamable;whichhe greatly lamentedhimself,and was desirous that others should not make an ill use of such anexample. And therefore, although at the time he kept a constant diary,containingaveryparticularaccountofwhatpassedfromdaytoday,forthenextthirteenmonths,fromthelatterendofJan.1741,forementioned,in two small books, which he called the two first volumes of his diary,next following the account before given of his convictions, conversion,and consequent comforts; yet, when he lay on his death-bed, he gave

order(unknowntometillafterhisdeath)thatthesetwovolumesshouldbedestroyed,andinthebeginningofthethirdbookofhisdiary,hewrotethus, (by thehandofanother,henotbeingable towritehimself,) "Thetwoprecedingvolumes,immediatelyfollowingtheaccountoftheauthor'sconversion,arelost.Ifanyaredesiroustoknowhowtheauthorlived,ingeneral,duringthatspaceoftime,letthemreadthefirstthirtypagesofthisvolume;wheretheywillfindsomethingofaspecimenofhisordinarymanner of living, through that whole space of time, which was aboutthirteen months; excepting that here he was more refined from someimprudencies and indecentheats, than there; but the spirit of devotionrunningthroughthewholewasthesame.

Itcouldnotbeotherwisethanthatonewhosehearthadbeensopreparedand drawn to God, as Mr. Brainerd's had been, should be mightilyenlarged,animated,andengagedatthesightofsuchanalterationmadeinthecollege,thetown,andcountry;andsogreatanappearanceofmenreformingtheirlives,andturningfromtheirprofanenessandimmoralityto seriousness and concern for their salvation, and of religion revivingand flourishing almost every where. But as an intemperate, imprudentzeal,andadegreeofenthusiasm,sooncrept in,andmingled itselfwiththat revival of religion; and so great and general an awakening beingquiteanewthingintheland,atleastastoallthelivinginhabitantsofit;neither people nor ministers had learned thoroughly to distinguishbetweensolidreligionanditsdelusivecounterfeits.Evenmanyministersof thegospel, of long standingand thebest reputation,were for a timeoverpowered with the glaring appearances of the latter; and therefore,surely it was not to be wondered at, that young Brainerd, but asophomoreatcollege,shouldbeso;whowasnotonlyyounginyears,butvery young in religion and experience. He had enjoyed but littleadvantage for the study of divinity, and still less for observing thecircumstances and events of such an extraordinary state of things. Tothink it strange, a man must divest himself of all reason. In thesedisadvantageouscircumstances,Brainerdhadtheunhappinesstohaveatinctureof that intemperate, indiscreet zeal,whichwasat that time tooprevalent;andwasled,fromhishighopinionofotherswhomhelookeduponasbetter thanhimself, into sucherrors aswere really contrary tothehabitualtemperofhismind.Oneinstanceofhismisconductatthat

time,gavegreatoffence to the rulersof thecollege,even to thatdegreethat theyexpelledhim the society;which it isnecessary shouldherebeparticularlyrelated,withitscircumstances.

During the awakening at college, there were several religious studentswho associated together for mutual conversation and assistance inspiritual things. These were wont freely to open themselves one toanother, as special and intimate friends: Brainerd was one of thiscompany.Anditoncehappened,thatheandtwoorthreemoreoftheseintimatefriendswereinthehalltogether,afterMr.Whittelsey,oneofthetutors,hadbeentoprayertherewiththescholars;nootherpersonnowremaining in thehallbutBrainerdandhis companions.Mr.Whittelseyhavingbeenunusuallypatheticalinhisprayer,oneofBrainerd'sfriendsonthisoccasionaskedhimwhathethoughtofMr.Whittelsey;hemadeanswer, "He has nomore grace than this chair." One of the freshmenhappeningatthattimetobenearthehall(thoughnotintheroom)over-heard thosewords. This person, though he heard no namementioned,andknewnotwhowasthuscensured, informedacertainwomaninthetown,withaltellingherhisownsuspicion,viz.thathebelievedBrainerdsaidthisofsomeoneorotheroftherulersofthecollege.Whereuponshewentandinformedtherector,whosentforthisfreshmanandexaminedhim.HetoldtherectorthewordsheheardBrainerdutter,andinformedhimwhowereintheroomwithhimatthattime.Uponwhichtherectorsent for them: they were very backward to inform against their friendwhattheylookeduponasprivateconversation,andespeciallyasnonebutthey had heard or knew of whom he had uttered those words: yet therectorcompelledthemtodeclarewhathesaid,andofwhomhesaidit.—Brainerdlookedonhimselfveryillusedinthemanagementofthisaffair;and thought, that itwas injuriouslyextorted fromhis friends, and theninjuriously required of him — as if he had been guilty of some open,notorious crime— tomake apublic confession, and tohumblehimselfbeforethewholecollegeinthehall,forwhathehadsaidonlyinprivateconversation.—He not complyingwith this demand, and having goneonce to the separate meeting at New-Haven, when forbidden by therector;andalsohavingbeenaccusedbyonepersonofsayingconcerningthe rector, "thathewonderedhedidnot expect todropdowndead forfining the scholarswho followedMr. Tennent toMilford, though there

was no proof of it; (and Mr. Brainerd ever professed that he did notrememberhissayinganythingtothatpurpose;)forthesethingshewasexpelledthecollege.

Now,howfarthecircumstancesandexigenciesofthatdaymightjustifysuchgreatseverityinthegovernorsofthecollege,Iwillnotundertaketodetermine;itbeingmyaim,nottobringreproachontheauthorityofthecollege,butonlytodojusticetothememoryofaperson,whowasIthinkeminentlyoneofthosewhosememoryisblessed.—Thereaderwillsee,in the sequel of the story ofMr.Brainerd's life,whathis own thoughtsafterwardswereofhisbehaviourinthesethings,andinhowChristianamannerheconductedhimself,withrespecttothisaffair:thoughheever,as long as he lived, supposedhimself ill used in themanagement of it,andinwhathesuffered.—Hisexpulsionwasinthewinter,1742,whileinhisthirdyearatcollege.

StudyofDivinityUntilBeingLicensedtoPreach

Fromaboutthetimethathefirstbegantodevotehimselfmoreespeciallyto thestudyofdivinity, tillhewasexaminedand licensedtopreach,bytheassociationofministersbelongingtotheeasterndistrictofthecountyofFairfield,inConnecticut.

MR. BRAINERD, the Spring after his expulsion, went to live with theReverendMr.Mills,ofRipton,topursuehisstudieswithhim,inordertohisbeingfittedfortheworkof theministry;wherehespentthegreaterpart of the time, till the Association licensed him to preach; butfrequentlyrodetovisittheneighboringministers,particularlyMr.CookeofStratford,Mr.GrahamofSouthbury,andMr.BellamyofBethlehem.WhilewithMr.Mills,hebeganthethirdbookofhisdiary, inwhichtheaccounthewroteofhimself,isasfollows.

"Thursday,April 1, 1742. I seemtobedeclining,withrespect tomy lifeandwarmthindivinethings;hadnotsofreeaccesstoGodinprayeras

usualoflate.OthatGodwouldhumblemedeeplyinthedustbeforehim!Ideservehelleveryday, fornot lovingmyLordmore,whohas, I trust,loved me, and given himself for me; and every time I am enabled toexerciseanygracerenewedly,IamrenewedlyindebtedtotheGodofallgraceforspecialassistance.Wherethenisboasting?Surelyitisexcluded,whenwethinkhowwearedependentonGodforthebeingandeveryactof grace. Oh, if ever I get to heaven, it will be because God will, andnothingelse;forIneverdidanythingofmyself,butgetawayfromGod!My soul will be astonished at the unsearchable riches of divine grace,whenIarriveatthemansions,whichtheblessedSaviourisgonebeforetoprepare.

"Friday,April2.IntheafternoonIfelt,insecretprayer,muchresigned,calm,andserene.Whatareallthestormsofthislowerworld,ifJesusbyhisSpiritdoesbut comewalkingon the seas!—Some timepast, Ihadmuch pleasure in the prospect of the heathen being brought home toChrist,anddesiredthattheLordwouldemploymeinthatwork:—butnow,mysoulmorefrequentlydesirestodie,tobewithChrist.Othatmysoulwerewrappedup indivine love, andmy longingdesires afterGodincreased!—In theevening,wasrefreshed inprayer,with thehopesoftheadvancementofChrist'skingdomintheworld.

"Saturday, April 3.Was verymuch amiss thismorning, and had a badnight. I thought, if Godwould takeme to himself now,my soulwouldexceedinglyrejoice.OthatImaybealwayshumbleandresignedtoGod,andthathewouldcausemysoultobemorefixedonhimself,thatImaybemorefittedbothfordoingandsuffering!

"Lord'sday,April4.Myheartwaswanderingandlifeless.IntheeveningGodgaveme faith inprayer,mademysoulmelt insomemeasure,andgavemetotasteadivinesweetness.OmyblessedGod!Letmeclimbupneartohim,andlove,andlong,andplead,andwrestle,andstretchafterhim,andfordeliverancefromthebodyofsinanddeath.—Alas!mysoulmournedtothinkIshouldeverlosesightofitsbelovedagain.`Ocome,LordJesus,Amen.'"

Ontheeveningofthenextday,hecomplains,thatheseemedtobevoidof all relish of divine things, feltmuch of the prevalence of corruption,

and saw in himself a disposition to allmanner of sin;which brought avery great gloom on his mind, and cast him down into the depths ofmelancholy;sothathespeaksofhimselfasamazed,havingnocomfort,butfilledwithhorror,seeingnocomfortinheavenorearth.

"Tuesday,April6. Iwalkedout thismorning to thesameplacewhere Iwas last night, and felt as I did then; but was somewhat relieved byreadingsomepassagesinmydiary,andseemedtofeelasifImightprayto the great God again with freedom; but was suddenly struck with adamp,fromthesenseIhadofmyownvileness.—ThenIcriedtoGodtocleanse me from my exceeding filthiness, to give me repentance andpardon. I then began to find it sweet to pray; and could think ofundergoingthegreatestsufferings,inthecauseofChrist,withpleasure;andfoundmyselfwilling,ifGodshouldsoorderit,tosufferbanishmentfrommynativeland,amongtheheathen,thatImightdosomethingfortheirsalvation,indistressesanddeathsofanykind.—ThenGodgavemetowrestleearnestlyforothers,forthekingdomofChristintheworld,andfordearChristianfriends.—Ifeltweanedfromtheworld,andfrommyownreputationamongstmen,willingtobedespised,andtobeagazing-stockfortheworldtobehold.—ItisimpossibleformetoexpresshowIthen felt: I had not much joy, but some sense of the majesty of God,whichmademe as itwere tremble. I sawmyselfmean and vile,whichmadememorewillingthatGodshoulddowhathewouldwithme;itwasallinfinitelyreasonable.

"Wednesday,April7.Ihadnotsomuchfervency,butfeltsomethingasIdidyesterdaymorning,inprayer.—AtnoonIspentsometimeinsecret,with some fervency, but scarce any sweetness; and felt very dull in theevening.

"Thursday, April 8.Had raised hopes to-day respecting the heathen.OthatGodwouldbringingreatnumbersofthemtoJesusChrist!Icannotbuthope I shall see thatgloriousday. -Every thing in thisworld seemsexceedingvileand little tome: I look soonmyself.— Ihad some littledawnof comfort to-day inprayer;but especially to-night, I think Ihadsome faith andpower of intercessionwithGod. Iwas enabled to pleadwithGodforthegrowthofgraceinmyself;andmanyofthedearchildrenofGodthenlaywithweightuponmysoul.BlessedbetheLord!Itisgood

towrestlefordivineblessings.

"Friday,April9.Mostofmytimeinmorningdevotionwasspentwithoutsensible sweetness; yet I had one delightful prospect of arriving at theheavenlyworld.Iammoreamazedthaneveratsuchthoughts;forIseemyself infinitely vile and unworthy. I feel very heartless and dull; andthough I long for the presence of God, and seem constantly to reachtowards God in desires; yet I cannot feel that divine and heavenlysweetness that I used to enjoy. — No poor creature stands in need ofdivinegracemorethanI,andnoneabuseitmorethanIhavedone,andstilldo.

"Saturday,April10.Spentmuchtimeinsecretprayerthismorning,andnotwithoutsomecomfortindivinethings;and,Ihope,hadsomefaithinexercise:butamsolow,andfeelsolittleofthesensiblepresenceofGod,thatIhardlyknowwhattocallfaith,andammadetopossessthesinsofmyyouth,andthedreadfulsinofmynature.Iamallsin;Icannotthink,noract,buteverymotionissin.—Ifeelsomefainthopes,thatGodwill,of his infinitemercy, return again with showers of converting grace topoor gospel-abusing sinners; and my hopes of being employed in thecauseofGod,whichof latehavebeenalmost extinct, seemnowa littlerevived. O that all my late distresses and awful apprehensions mightprovebutChrist'sschool,tomakemefitforgreaterservice,byteachingmethegreatlessonofhumility!

"Lord'sday,April11.InthemorningIfeltbutlittlelife,exceptingthatmyheartwas somewhatdrawnout in thankfulness toGod forhis amazinggraceandcondescensiontome,inpastinfluencesandassistancesofhisSpirit.—Afterwards,Ihadsomesweetnessinthethoughtsofarrivingatthe heavenly world. O for the happy day! — After public worship Godgavemespecialassistanceinprayer;IwrestledwithmydearLord,withmuchsweetness;andintercessionwasmadeadelightfulemploymenttome. — In the evening, as I was viewing the light in the north, I wasdelightedincontemplationonthegloriousmorningoftheresurrection.

"Monday,April12.ThismorningtheLordwaspleasedtoliftupthelightofhiscountenanceuponmeinsecretprayer,andmadetheseasonveryprecious to my soul. And though I have been so depressed of late,

respectingmy hopes of future serviceableness in the cause of God; yetnowIhadmuchencouragementrespectingthatmatter.Iwasespeciallyassistedtointercedeandpleadforpoorsouls,andfortheenlargementofChrist'skingdomintheworld,andforspecialgraceformyself,tofitmefor special services. I felt exceedingly calm, and quite resigned toGod,respectingmyfutureemployment,whenandwherehepleased.Myfaithliftedmeabovetheworld,andremovedallthosemountains,thatIcouldnotlookoveroflate.Iwantednotthefavourofmantoleanupon;forIknewChrist'sfavourwasinfinitelybetter,andthatitwasnomatterwhen,norwhere,norhowChristshouldsendme,norwhattrialsheshouldstillexercise me with, if I might be prepared for his work and will. I nowfoundrevived,inmymind,thewonderfuldiscoveryofinfinitewisdominallthedispensationsofGodtowardsme,whichIhadalittlebeforeImetwithmygreattrialatcollege;everythingappearedfullofdivinewisdom.

"Tuesday,April13.Isawmyselftobeverymeanandvile;andwonderedatthosethatshowedmerespect.AfterwardsIwassomewhatcomfortedinsecretretirement,andassistedtowrestlewithGod,withsomepower,spirituality,andsweetness.BlessedbetheLord,heisneverunmindfulofme,butalwayssendsmeneededsupplies;and,fromtimetotime,whenIamlikeonedead,heraisesmetolife.OthatImayneverdistrustinfinitegoodness!

"Wednesday,April 14.My soul longed for communionwithChrist, andforthemortificationofindwellingcorruption,especiallyspiritualpride.Othere isa sweetdaycoming,wherein thewearywillbeat rest!Mysoulhasenjoyedmuchsweetnessthisdayinthehopesofitsspeedyarrival.

"Thursday,April15.MydesiresapparentlycenteredinGod,andIfoundasensibleattractionof soul afterhimsundry times to-day. Iknow I longforGod,andaconformitytohiswill, ininwardpurityandholiness,tenthousandtimesmorethanforanythingherebelow.

"FridayandSaturday,April16,17.IseldomprayedwithoutsomesensiblejoyintheLord.SometimesIlongedmuchtobedissolved,andtobewithChrist.OthatGodwouldenablemetogrowingraceeveryday!Alas!mybarrennessissuch,thatGodmightwellsay,Cutitdown.—Iamafraidofadeadheartonthesabbathnowbegun:[4]OthatGodwouldquickenme

byhisgrace!

"Lord's day, April 18. I retired early this morning into the woods forprayer;hadtheassistanceofGod'sSpirit,andfaithinexercise;andwasenabledtopleadwithfervencyfortheadvancementofChrist'skingdomin theworld, and to intercede for dear absent friends.—Atnoon,Godenabledmetowrestlewithhim,andtofeel,asItrust,thepowerofdivineloveinprayer.-AtnightIsawmyselfinfinitelyindebtedtoGod,andhadaviewofmyshortcomings: itseemedtome, thatIhaddoneas itwerenothingforGod,andthatIneverhadlivedtohimbutafewhoursofmylife.

"Monday,April19.Isetapartthisdayforfasting,andprayertoGodforhisgrace;especially toprepareme for theworkof theministry, togivemedivineaidanddirectioninmypreparationsforthatgreatwork,andinhisowntimetosendmeintohisharvest.Accordingly,inthemorning,Iendeavouredtopleadforthedivinepresencefortheday,andnotwithoutsome life. In the forenoon, I felt thepowerof intercession forprecious,immortalsouls;fortheadvancementofthekingdomofmydearLordandSaviour in the word; and withal, a most sweet resignation, and evenconsolationandjoyinthethoughtsofsufferinghardships,distresses,andevendeathitself,inthepromotionofit;andhadspecialenlargementinpleadingfortheenlighteningandconversionofthepoorheathen.Intheafternoon,Godwaswithmeofatruth.Oitwasblessedcompanyindeed!God enabled me so to agonize in prayer, that I was quite wet withperspiration,thoughintheshade,andthecoolwind.Mysoulwasdrawnoutverymuchfortheworld;formultitudesofsouls.IthinkIhadmoreenlargementforsinners,thanforthechildrenofGod;thoughIfeltasifIcould spend my life in cries for both. I enjoyed great sweetness incommunionwithmydearSaviour.IthinkIneverinmylifefeltsuchanentireweanednessfromthisworld,andsomuchresignedtoGodineverything.—O that Imayalways live to anduponmyblessedGod!Amen,Amen.

"Tuesday,April20.ThisdayIamtwenty-fouryearsofage.Ohowmuchmercy have I received the year past! How often has God caused hisgoodnesstopassbeforeme!AndhowpoorlyhaveIansweredthevowsImade this time twelvemonth, to be wholly the Lord's, to be for ever

devotedtohisservice!TheLordhelpmetolivemoretohisgloryforthetimetocome.-Thishasbeenasweet,ahappydaytome:blessedbeGod.I thinkmysoulwasnever sodrawnout in intercession forothers,as ithasbeenthisnight.HadamostferventwrestlewiththeLordto-nightformy enemies; and I hardly ever so longed to live to God, and to bealtogetherdevotedtohim;Iwantedtowearoutmylifeinhisservice,andforhisglory.

"Wednesday, April 21. Felt much calmness and resignation, and Godagainenabledmetowrestlefornumbersofsouls,andhadmuchfervencyin the sweet duty of intercession. I enjoyed of late more sweetness inintercessionforothers,thaninanyotherpartofprayer.MyblessedLordreallyletmecomeneartohim,andpleadwithhim."

Theframeofmind,andexercisesofsoul,thatheexpressesthethreedaysnext following, Thursday, Friday, and Saturday, aremuch of the samekindwiththoseexpressedthetwodayspast.

"Lord'sday,April25.[5]ThismorningIspentabouttwohoursinsecretduties, and was enabled more than ordinarily to agonize for immortalsouls;thoughitwasearlyinthemorning,andthesunscarcelyshinedatall, yetmybodywasquitewetwith sweat. I feltmuchpressednow, asfrequentlyoflate,topleadforthemeeknessandcalmnessoftheLambofGod in my soul; and through divine goodness felt much of it thismorning.O it isasweetdisposition,heartily to forgiveall injuriesdoneus;towishourgreatestenemiesaswellaswedoourownsouls!BlessedJesus,mayIdailybemoreandmoreconformedtothee.AtnightIwasexceedinglymeltedwith divine love, andhad some feeling sense of theblessednessoftheupperworld.Thosewordshunguponme,withmuchdivine sweetness, Psal. lxxxiv. 7. `They go from strength to strength,everyoneoftheminZionappearethbeforeGod.'Othenearaccessthatsometimes gives us in our addresses to him! Thismay well be termedappearingbeforeGod: it isso indeed, inthetruespiritualsense,andinthe sweetest sense. I think I have not had such power of intercessionthesemanymonths,both forGod's children, and fordead sinners, as Ihave had this evening. Iwished and longed for the coming ofmy dearLord: I longed to join the angelic hosts in praises, wholly free fromimperfection. O the blessedmoment hastens! All I want is to bemore

holy,morelikemydearLord.Oforsanctification!MyverysoulpantsforthecompleterestorationoftheblessedimageofmySaviour;thatImaybefitfortheblessedenjoymentsandemploymentsoftheheavenlyworld.

`Farewell,vainworld;mysoulcanbidadieu;

MySaviour'staughtmetoabandonyou.

Yourcharmsmaygratifyasensualmind;

NotpleaseasoulwhollyforGoddesign'd.

Forbeartoentice,ceasethenmysoultocall;

`Tisfix'dthroughgrace;myGodshallbemyall.

Whilehethusletsmeheavenlygloriesview,

Yourbeautiesfade,myheart'snoroomforyou.'

"TheLordrefreshedmysoulwithmanysweetpassagesofhisword.OthenewJerusalem!mysoullongedforit.OthesongofMosesandtheLamb!Andthatblessedsong,thatnomancanlearn,buttheywhoareredeemedfromtheearth!andthegloriouswhiterobes,thatweregiventothesoulsundertheattar!

`Lord,I'mastrangerherealone;Earthnotruecomfortscanafford;Yet,absentfrommydearestone,Mysouldelightstocry,MyLord.Jesus,myLord,myonly love,Possessmysoul,nor thencedepart;Grantmekindvisits,heavenlyDove;MyGodshallthenhaveallmyheart.'

"Monday, April 26. Continued in a sweet frame of mind; but in theafternoon felt something of spiritual pride stirring.Godwas pleased tomake it an humbling season at first; though afterwards he gave mesweetness.Omysoul exceedingly longs for thatblessed stateofperfectdeliverancefromallsin!—Atnight,Godenabledmetogivemysouluptohim,tocastmyselfuponhim,tobeorderedanddisposedofaccordingtohissovereignpleasure;andIenjoyedgreatpeaceandconsolationinsodoing.MysoultooksweetdelightinGod;mythoughtsfreelyandsweetly

centered in him. O that I could spend everymoment ofmy life to hisglory!

"Tuesday, April 27. I retired pretty early for secret devotions; and inprayerGodwaspleasedtopoursuchineffablecomfortsintomysoul,thatI could do nothing for some time but say over and over, `Omy sweetSaviour!OmysweetSaviour!whomhaveIinheavenbutthee?andthereis none upon earth that I desire beside thee.' If I had had a thousandlives,mysoulwouldgladlyhavelaidthemalldownatoncetohavebeenwithCHRIST.My soulnever enjoyed somuchofheavenbefore; itwasthemostrefinedandthemostspiritualseasonofcommunionwithGodIeveryetfelt.Ineverfeltsogreatadegreeofresignationinmylife.Intheafternoon I withdrew to meet with my God, but found myself muchdeclined, andGodmade it an humbling season tomy soul. Imournedover the body of death that is inme. It grievedme exceedingly, that Icouldnotpray to andpraiseGodwithmyheart full of divineheavenlylove.—O thatmysoulmightneverofferanydead, cold services tomyGod!—Intheeveninghadnotsomuchdivine love,as in themorning;buthadasweetseasonofferventintercession.

"Wednesday, April 28. I withdrew to my usual place of retirement ingreatpeaceand tranquility, spentabout twohours insecretduties,andfeltmuchasIdidyesterdaymorning,onlyweakerandmoreovercome.IseemedtodependwhollyonmydearLord;whollyweanedfromallotherdependences. I knew not what to say tomy God, but only lean on hisbosom,asitwere,andbreatheoutmydesiresafteraperfectconformitytohiminallthings.Thirstingdesires,andinsatiablelongings,possessedmysoulafterperfectholiness.Godwassoprecioustomysoul, thattheworldwithallitsenjoymentswasinfinitelyvile.Ihadnomorevalueforthefavourofmen,thanforpebbles.TheLORDwasmyALL;andthatheoverruledall,greatlydelightedme.Ithink,myfaithanddependenceonGodscarceeverrosesohigh.Isawhimsuchafountainofgoodness,thatitseemedimpossibleIshoulddistrusthimagain,orbeanywayanxiousaboutanythingthatshouldhappentome.Inowenjoyedgreatsweetnessin praying for absent friends, and for the enlargement of Christ'skingdomintheworld.—Muchofthepowerofthesedivineenjoymentsremainedwithmethroughtheday.—Intheeveningmyheartseemedto

melt, and, I trust, was really humbled or indwelling corruption, and Imournedlikeadove.Ifelt,thatallmyunhappinessarosefrommybeingasinner.WithresignationIcouldbidwelcometoallothertrials;butsinhung heavy upon me; for God discovered to me the corruption of myheart.Iwenttobedwithaheavyheart,becauseIwasasinner;thoughIdidnotintheleastdoubtofGod'slove.OthatGodwouldpurgeawaymydross,andtakeawaymytin,andmakemeseventimesrefined!

"Thursday, April 29. Iwas kept off at a distance fromGod;— but hadsomeenlargementinintercessionforprecioussouls.

"Friday,April30.Iwassomewhatdejectedinspirit:nothinggrievesmesomuch,asthatIcannotliveconstantlytoGod'sglory.Icouldbearanydesertionorspiritualconflicts,ifIcouldbuthavemyheartallthewhileburningwithinmewith love toGodanddesiresofhisglory.But this isimpossible; forwhen I feel these, I cannot be dejected inmy soul, butonly rejoice in my Saviour, who has delivered me from the reigningpower,andwillshortlydelivermefromtheindwellingofsin.

"Saturday, May 1. I was enabled to cry to God with fervency forministerial qualifications, thathewould appear for the advancementofhisownkingdom,andthathewouldbringintheheathen,&c.Hadmuchassistanceinmystudies.—Thishasbeenaprofitableweektome;IhaveenjoyedmanycommunicationsoftheblessedSpiritinmysoul.

"Lord'sday,May2.Godwaspleasedthismorningtogivemesuchasightofmyself,asmademeappearveryvileinmyowneyes.Ifeltcorruptionstirringinmyheart,whichIcouldbynomeanssuppress;feltmoreandmore deserted; was exceeding weak, and almost sick with my inwardtrials.

"Monday, May 3. Had a sense of vile ingratitude. In the morning Iwithdrewtomyusualplaceofretirement,andmournedformyabuseofmydearLord: spent theday in fasting andprayer.God gavememuchpowerofwrestlingforhiscauseandkingdom;anditwasahappydaytomysoul.Godwaswithmeall theday,andIwasmoreabove theworldthaneverinmylife."

Throughtheremainingpartofthisweekhecomplainsalmosteverydayofdesertion,inwardtrialsandconflicts,attendedwithdejectionofspirit;butyetspeaksoftimesofreliefandsweetness,anddailyrefreshingvisitsof the divine Spirit, affording special assistance and comfort, andenabling,atsometimes, tomuchfervencyandenlargement inreligiousduties.

"Lord'sday,May9.IthinkIneverfeltsomuchofthecursedprideofmyheart,aswellasthestubbornnessofmywill,before.Ohdreadful!whatavilewretch I am! I could submit to be nothing, and to lie down in thedust.OthatGodwouldhumblemeinthedust!Ifeltmyselfsuchasinner,allday, thatIhadscarceanycomfort.OwhenshallIbedeliveredfromthe body of this death! I greatly feared, lest through stupidity andcarelessnessIshouldlosethebenefitofthesetrials.Othattheymightbesanctified tomysoul!Nothingseemedto touchmebutonly this, that Iwasasinner.—Hada fervencyandrefreshment insocialprayer in theevening.

"Monday, May 10. I rode to New-Haven; saw some Christian friendsthere;andhadcomfortinjoininginprayerwiththem,andhearingofthegoodnessofGodtothem,sinceIlastsawthem.

"Tuesday,May11.IrodefromNew-HaventoWeathersfield;wasverydullmost of the day; had little spirituality in this journey, though I oftenlongedtobealonewithGod;wasmuchperplexedwithvilethoughts;wassometimes afraid of every thing: but God was my helper. —Catched alittle time for retirement in the evening, to my comfort and rejoicing.Alas!Icannotliveinthemidstofatumult.IlongtoenjoyGodalone.

"Wednesday,May12. Ihadadistressingviewof thepride,enmity,andvilenessofmyheart.—Afterwardshadsweetrefreshmentinconversing,andworshippingGod,withChristianfriends.

"Thursday,May 13. Saw somuchof thewickedness ofmyheart, that Ilongedtogetawayfrommyself.Ineverbeforethoughttherewassomuchspiritual pride inmy soul. I felt almost pressed to death withmy ownvileness.Ohwhatabodyofdeathisthereinme!Lord,delivermysoul.Icould not find any convenient place for retirement, and was greatly

exercised.—Rode toHartford in the afternoon: had some refreshmentandcomfort inreligiousexerciseswithChristianfriends;but longedformoreretirement.OtheclosestwalkwithGodisthesweetestheaventhatcanbeenjoyedonearth!

"Friday,May14.IwaitedonacouncilofministersconvenedatHartford,andspreadbeforethemthetreatmentIhadmetwithfromtherectorandtutorsofYalecollege;whothoughtitadvisabletointercedeformewiththerectorandtrustees,andtoentreatthemtorestoremetomyformerprivileges in college. [6] — After this, spent some time in religiousexerciseswithChristianfriends.

"Saturday, May 15. I rode from Hartford to Hebron; was somewhatdejectedontheroad;appearedexceedingvileinmyowneyes,sawmuchprideandstubbornnessinmyheart.IndeedIneversawsuchaweekasthis before; for I have been almost ready to die with the view of thewickednessofmyheart. I couldnothave thought Ihad suchabodyofdeathinme.OhthatGodwoulddelivermysoul!"

Thethreenextdays(whichhespentatHebron,Lebanon,andNorwich)hecomplainsstillofdullnessanddesertion,andexpressesasenseofhisvileness,andlongingtohidehimselfinsomecaveordenoftheearth:butyetspeaksofsomeintervalsofcomfortandsoul-refreshmenteachday.

"Wednesday,May 19. (AtMillington) I was so amazingly deserted thismorning,thatIseemedtofeelasortofhorrorinmysoul.Alas!whenGodwithdraws,whatistherethatcanaffordanycomforttothesoul!"

Through theeightdaysnext followingheexpressesmore calmnessandcomfort,andconsiderablelife,fervency,andsweetnessinreligion.

"Friday,May28.(AtNew-Haven)IthinkIscarceeverfeltsocalminmylife;Irejoiced inresignation,andgivingmyselfuptoGod, tobewhollyandentirelydevotedtohimforever."

On the three following days there was, by the account he gives, acontinuanceof the same excellent frameofmind, last expressed: but itseemsnottobealtogethertosogreatadegree.

"Tuesday,June1.HadmuchofthepresenceofGodinfamilyprayer,andhadsomecomfortinsecret.IwasgreatlyrefreshedfromthewordofGodthismorning,whichappearedexceeding sweet tome: some things thatappearedmysterious,wereopenedtome.OthatthekingdomofthedearSaviourmightcomewithpower,andthehealingwatersofthesanctuaryspreadfarandwideforthehealingofthenations!—CametoRipton;butwasveryweak.However,beingvisitedbyanumberof youngpeople intheevening,Iprayedwiththem."

The remainingpart of thisweekhe speaks of beingmuchdiverted andhindered in the business of religion, by great weakness of body, andnecessary affairs he had to attend; and complains of having but littlepowerinreligion;butsignifies,thatGodherebyshowedhimhewaslikeahelplessinfantcastoutintheopenfield.

"Lord's day, June 6. I feel much deserted: but all this teaches me mynothingnessandvilenessmorethanever.

"Monday, June 7. Felt still powerless in secret prayer. Afterwards Iprayed and conversedwith some little life.God feedsmewith crumbs:blessed be his name for any thing. I felt a great desire, that all God'speoplemightknowhowmeanandlittleandvileIam;thattheymightseeI am nothing, that so theymight pray forme aright, and not have theleastdependenceuponme.

"Tuesday, June 8. I enjoyed one sweet and precious season this day: Inever felt it so sweet to be nothing, and less than nothing, and to beaccountednothing."

The threenextdayshecomplainsofdesertion,andwantof fervency inreligion;butyethisdiaryshowsthateverydayhisheartwasengagedinreligion,ashisgreat,and,asitwere,onlybusiness.

"Saturday,June12.Spentmuchtimeinprayerthismorning,andenjoyedmuchsweetness:—felt insatiable longingsafterGodmuchoftheday.IwonderedhowpoorsoulsdotolivethathavenoGod.—Theworld,withallitsenjoyments,quitevanished.Iseemyselfveryhelpless:butIhaveablessedGodtogoto.Ilongedexceedinglytobedissolved,andtobewith

Christ,tobeholdhisglory.Oh,myweak,wearysoullongstoarriveatmyFather'shouse!

"Lord's day, June 13. Felt something calm and resigned in the publicworship: at the sacrament sawmyself very vile andworthless.O that Imayalwayslielowinthedust.MysoulseemedsteadilytogoforthafterGod,inlongingdesirestoliveuponhim.

"Monday,June14.Feltsomethingof thesweetnessofcommunionwithGod,andtheconstrainingforceofhis love:howadmirably itcaptivatesthesoul,andmakesallthedesiresandaffectionstocentreinGod!—Isetapartthisdayforsecretfastingandprayer,toentreatGodtodirectandblessmewith regard to thegreatwork Ihave inview,ofpreaching thegospel;andthattheLordwouldreturntome,andshowmethelightofhis countenance. Had little life and power in the forenoon: near themiddle of the afternoon, God enabled me to wrestle ardently inintercession forabsent friends:—but justatnight, theLordvisitedmemarvellously in prayer: I think my soul never was in such an agonybefore.Ifeltnorestraint;forthetreasuresofdivinegracewereopenedtome. I wrestled for absent friends, for the ingathering of souls, formultitudesofpoorsouls,andformanythatIthoughtwerethechildrenofGod,personally,inmanydistantplaces.Iwasinsuchanagony,fromsunhalfanhourhigh,tillneardark,thatIwasalloverwetwithsweat;butyetitseemedtomethatIhadwastedawaytheday,andhaddonenothing.Oh, my dear Jesus did sweat blood for poor souls! I longed for morecompassiontowardsthem.—Feltstillinasweetframe,underasenseofdivineloveandgrace;andwenttobedinsuchaframe,withmyheartsetonGod.

"Tuesday,June15.HadthemostardentlongingsafterGodthateverIfeltinmylife:atnoon,inmysecretretirement,IcoulddonothingbuttellmydearLord,inasweetcalm,thatheknewIlongedfornothingbuthimself,nothing but holiness; that he had givenme these desires, and he onlycouldgivemethethingdesired.Ineverseemedtobesounhingedfrommyself,andtobesowhollydevotedtoGod.MyheartwasswallowedupinGodmostoftheday.IntheeveningIhadsuchaviewofthesoulbeingas it were enlarged, to contain more holiness, that it seemed ready toseparatefrommybody.Ithenwrestledinanagonyfordivineblessings;

had my heart drawn out in prayer for some Christian friends, beyondwhatIeverhadbefore.—IfeeldifferentlynowfromwhateverIdidunderany enjoyments before;more engaged to live toGod for ever, and lesspleasedwithmyownframes.Iamnotsatisfiedwithmyframes,norfeelat allmore easy after such strugglings thanbefore; for it seems far toolittle, if I could always be so.Oh how short do I fall ofmy duty inmysweetestmoments!"

In his diary for the two next days he expresses something of the sameframe,butinafarlessdegree.[7]

"Friday, June 18. Considering my great unfitness for the work of theministry,mypresentdeadness,andtotalinabilitytodoanythingfortheglory of God that way, feelingmyself very helpless, and at a great losswhat theLordwouldhave todo; I setapart thisday forprayer toGod,andspentmostof theday in thatduty,butamazinglydesertedmostoftheday.YetIfoundGodgraciouslynear,onceinparticular;whileIwaspleading,formorecompassionforimmortalsouls,myheartseemedtobeopened at once, and Iwas enabled to crywith great ardency, for a fewminutes.—Oh,Iwasdistressedtothink, thatIshouldoffersuchdead,coldservicestothelivingGod!Mysoulseemedtobreatheafterholiness,alifeofconstantdevotednesstoGod.ButIamalmostlostsometimesinthepursuitof thisblessedness,andready to sink,because I continuallyfallshortandmissofmydesire.OthattheLordwouldhelpmetoholdout,yetalittlewhile,tillthehappyhourofdeliverancecomes!

"Saturday,June19.Feltmuchdisordered;myspiritswereverylow:butyetenjoyedsomefreedomandsweetnessinthedutiesofreligion.BlessedbeGod.

"Lord'sday,June20.Spentmuchtimealone.Mysoullongedtobeholy,andreachedafterGod;butseemednot toobtainmydesire. Ihungeredandthirsted;butwasnotrefreshedandsatisfied.MysoulhungonGod,asmyonlyportion.OthatIcouldgrowingracemoreabundantlyeveryday!"

Thenextdayhespeaksofhishavingassistanceinhisstudies,andpower,fervency,andcomfortinprayer.

"Tuesday,June22.Inthemorningspentabouttwohoursinprayerandmeditation,withconsiderabledelight.Towardsnight,feltmysoulgooutin longing desires after God, in secret retirement. In the evening, wassweetlycomposedandresignedtoGod'swill;wasenabledtoleavemyselfandallmyconcernswithhim,and tohavemywholedependenceuponhim.My secret retirement was very refreshing tomy soul; it appearedsuch ahappiness to haveGod formyportion, that I had rather be anyothercreatureinthislowercreation,thannotcometotheenjoymentofGod. Ihad ratherbeabeast, thanamanwithoutGod, if Iwere to liveheretoeternity.Lord,endearthyselfmoretome!"

Inhisdiaryforthenextsevendaysheexpressesavarietyofexercisesofmind.He speaks of great longings afterGod and holiness, and earnestdesires for the conversion of others; of fervency in prayer, power towrestlewithGod,composure,comfort,andsweetness,fromtimetotime;but expresses a sense of the vile abomination of his heart, and bitterlycomplainsofhisbarrenness,andthepressingbodyofdeath;andsays,he"sawclearlythatwhateverheenjoyed,betterthanhell,wasoffreegrace."Hecomplainsofbeingexceedinglow,muchbelowthecharacterofachildofGod;andissometimesverydisconsolateanddejected.

"Wednesday,June30.Spentthisdayaloneinthewoods, infastingandprayer;underwentthemostdreadfulconflictsinmysoulthateverIfelt,insomerespects.Isawmyselfsovile,thatIwasreadytosay,"Ishallnowperishby thehandofSaul." I thought, andalmost concluded, IhadnopowertostandforthecauseofGod,butwasalmost"afraidoftheshakingofaleaf."Spentalmostthewholedayinprayer,incessantly.IcouldnotbeartothinkofChristiansshowingmeanyrespect.Ialmostdespairedofdoing any service in the world: I could not feel any hope or comfortrespectingtheheathen,whichusedtoaffordmesomerefreshmentinthedarkesthoursofthisnature.Ispentthedayinthebitternessofmysoul.Nearnight,Ifeltalittlebetter;andafterwardsenjoyedsomesweetnessinsecretprayer.

"Thursday, July 1.Had some sweetness in prayer thismorning.— Feltexceeding sweetly in secret prayer to-night, and desired nothing soardentlyasthatGodshoulddowithmejustashepleased.

"Friday, July 2. Felt composed in secret prayer in themorning. —MydesiresascendedtoGodthisday,asIwastraveling:andwascomfortableintheevening.BlessedbeGodforallmyconsolation.

"Saturday,July3.Myheartseemedagaintosink.ThedisgraceIwaslaidunderatcollege,seemedtodampme;asitopensthemouthsofopposers.IhadnorefugebutinGod.Blessedbehisname,thatImaygotohimatalltimes,andfindhimapresenthelp.

"Lord's day, July 4. Had considerable assistance. In the evening Iwithdrew,andenjoyedahappyseasoninsecretprayer.Godwaspleasedto giveme the exercise of faith, and thereby brought the invisible andeternalworldnear tomy soul;which appeared sweetly tome. I hoped,thatmywearypilgrimageintheworldwouldbeshort;andthatitwouldnot be long before I was brought to my heavenly home and Father'shouse.IwasresignedtoGod'swill,totarryhistime,todohiswork,andsuffer his pleasure. I felt thankfulness to God for all my pressingdesertionsof late; for Iampersuaded theyhavebeenmadeameansofmakingmemorehumble,andmuchmoreresigned.Ifeltpleased,tobelittle,tobenothing,andtolieinthedust.IenjoyedlifeandconsolationinpleadingforthedearchildrenofGod,andthekingdomofChristintheworld;andmysoulearnestlybreathedafterholiness,andtheenjoymentofGod.Ocome,LordJesus,comequickly."

By his diary for the remaining days of this week, it appears that heenjoyedconsiderablecomposureandtranquility,andhadsweetnessandfervencyofspiritinprayer,fromdaytoday.

"Lord's day, July 11. Was deserted, and exceedingly dejected, in themorning. In the afternoon, had some life and assistance, and feltresigned.Isawmyselfexceedingvile."

On the two next days he expresses inward comfort, resignation, andstrengthinGod.

"Wednesday,July14.Feltakindofhumbleresignedsweetness:spentaconsiderabletimeinsecret,givingmyselfupwhollytotheLord.—HeardMr. Bellamy preach towards night: felt very sweetly part of the time:

longedforneareraccesstoGod."

The four next days he expresses considerable comfort and fervency ofspirit,inChristianconversationandreligiousexercises.

"Monday, July 19. My desires seem especially to be carried out afterweanedness from the world, perfect deadness to it, and to be evencrucified to all its allurements. My soul longs to feel itself more of apilgrim and stranger here below; that nothing may divert me frompressingthroughthelonelydesert,tillIarriveatmyFather'shouse.

"Tuesday, July 20. It was sweet to give away myself to God, to bedisposedofathispleasure;andhadsomefeelingsenseofthesweetnessofbeingapilgrimonearth."

ThenextdayheexpresseshimselfasdeterminedtobewhollydevotedtoGod;and itappearsbyhisdiary, thathespent thewholeday inamostdiligentexerciseofreligion,andexceedingcomfortably.

"Thursday, July22. Journeying fromSouthbury toRipton, I calledat ahouseby theway;wherebeingverykindlyentertainedandrefreshed, Iwasfilledwithamazementandshame,thatGodshouldstiruptheheartsof any to show so much kindness to such a dead dog as I; was madesensible, in somemeasure, how exceedingly vile it is, not to be whollydevotedtoGod.IwonderedthatGodwouldsufferanyofhiscreaturestofeedandsustainmefromtimetotime."

In his diary for the six next days are expressed various exercises andexperiences; such as, sweet composure and fervency of spirit inmeditation and prayer, weanedness from the world, being sensibly apilgrimand strangeron the earth, engagednessofmind to spendeveryinchoftimeforGod,&c.

"Thursday,July29.IwasexaminedbytheAssociationmetatDanbury,as tomy learning, and alsomy experiences in religion, and received alicense from them to preach the gospel of Christ. Afterwards feltmuchdevotedtoGod; joined inprayerwithoneof theministers,mypeculiarfriend,inaconvenientplace;wenttobedresolvingtolivedevotedtoGod

allmydays.

AppointedMissionarytotheIndians

Fromthe timeofhisbeing licensed topreachby theassociation, tillhewasexaminedinNewYork,bythecorrespondents,orcommissionersofthe society in Scotland for propagating Christian knowledge, andapprovedandappointedastheirmissionarytotheindians.

"Friday,July30,1742.RodefromDanburytoSouthbury;preachedtherefrom 1 Pet. iv. 8. `And above all things have fervent charity,' &c. Hadmuch of the comfortable presence of God in the exercise. I seemed tohavepowerwithGodinprayer,andpowertogetholdoftheheartsofthepeopleinpreaching.

"Saturday, July 31. Exceeding calm and composed, and was greatlyrefreshedandencouraged."

It appears by his diary, that he continued in this sweetness andtranquilityalmostthroughthewholeofthenextweek.

"Lord'sday,Aug.8.InthemorningIfeltcomfortablyinsecretprayer;mysoulwasrefreshedwiththehopesoftheheathencominghometoChrist;wasmuchresignedtoGod,andthoughtitwasnomatterwhatbecameofme.—PreachedbothpartsofthedayatBethlehem,fromJobxiv.14."Ifamandie,shallheliveagain,"&c.Itwassweettometomeditateondeath.Intheeveningfeltverycomfortably,andcriedtoGodferventlyinsecretprayer."

It appears by his diary, that he continued through the three next daysengagedwith all hismight in the business of religion, and in almost aconstantenjoymentofthecomfortsofit.

"Thursday,Aug.12.ThismorningandlastnightIwasexercisedwithsoreinwardtrials: Ihadnopowertopray;butseemedshutout fromGod.Ihad in a great measure lost my hopes of God sending me among theheathenafaroff,andofseeingthemflockhometoChrist.Isawsomuchofmyhellishvileness, thatIappearedworsetomyself thananydevil:I

wonderedthatGodwouldletmelive,andwonderedthatpeopledidnotstoneme,muchmorethattheywouldeverhearmepreach!ItseemedasthoughInevercouldnorshouldpreachanymore;yetaboutnineorteno'clock,thepeoplecameover,andIwasforcedtopreach.AndblessedbeGod,hegavemehispresenceandSpiritinprayerandpreaching:sothatIwasmuchassistedandspakewithpowerfromJobxiv.14.SomeIndianscriedout ingreatdistress,[8]andallappearedgreatlyconcerned.AfterwehadprayedandexhortedthemtoseektheLordwithconstancy,andhiredanEnglishwomantokeepakindofschoolamongthem,wecameawayaboutoneo'clock,andcametoJudea,aboutfifteenorsixteenmiles.ThereGodwaspleasedtovisitmysoulwithmuchcomfort.BlessedbetheLordforallthingsImeetwith."

Itappearsthatthetwonextdayshehadmuchcomfort,andhadhisheartmuchengagedinreligion.

"Lord'sday,Aug.15.FeltmuchcomfortanddevotednesstoGodthisday.AtnightitwasrefreshingtogetalonewithGod,andpouroutmysoul.OwhocanconceiveofthesweetnessofcommunionwiththeblessedGod,but thosewho have experience of it!Glory toGod for ever, that Imaytasteheavenbelow.

"Monday,Aug.16.Hadsomecomfortinsecretprayer,inthemorning.—Feltsweetlysundrytimesinprayerthisday:butwasmuchperplexedintheeveningwithvainconversation.

"Tuesday,Aug.17.Exceedinglydepressedinspirit,itcutsandwoundsmyheart, to thinkhowmuchself-exaltation,spiritualpride,andwarmthoftemper, I have formerly had intermingled with my endeavours topromote God's work: and sometimes I long to lie down at the feet ofopposers, and confesswhat a poor imperfect creature I havebeen, andstillam.Oh,theLordforgiveme,andmakemeforthefuture"wiseasaserpent, and harmless as a dove!" Afterwards enjoyed considerablecomfortanddelightofsoul.

"Wednesday,Aug.18.Spentmostofthisdayinprayerandreading.—Iseesomuchofmyownextremevileness,thatIfeelashamedandguiltybeforeGodandman;Ilooktomyselflikethevilestfellowintheland:I

wonderthatGodstirsuphispeopletobesokindtome.

"Thursday, Aug. 19. This day, being about to go fromMr. Bellamy's atBethlehem,whereIhadresidedsometime,Iprayedwithhim,andtwoorthree other Christian friends. We gave ourselves to God with all ourhearts, to be his for ever: eternity looked very near tome,while Iwaspraying. If I never should see these Christians again in this world, itseemedbutafewmomentsbeforeIshouldmeettheminanotherworld.

"Friday,Aug.20.Iappearedsoviletomyself,thatIhardlydaredtothinkofbeingseenespeciallyonaccountofspiritualpride.However,to-nightIenjoyedasweethouralonewithGod(atRipton):Iwas liftedabovethefrownsand flatteriesof this lowerworld,hadasweetrelishofheavenlyjoys,andmysouldidasitweregetintotheeternalworld,andreallytasteofheaven.IhadasweetseasonofintercessionfordearfriendsinChrist;and God helped me to cry fervently for Zion. Blessed be God for thisseason.

"Saturday, Aug. 21. Was much perplexed in the morning. — TowardsnoonenjoyedmoreofGodinsecret,wasenabledtoseethatitwasbesttothrowmyself into thehands ofGod, to bedisposedof according tohispleasure, and rejoiced in such thoughts. In the afternoon rode toNew-Haven;wasmuchconfusedalltheway.—JustatnightunderwentsuchadreadfulconflictasIhavescarceeverfelt.Isawmyselfexceedinglyvileandunworthy; so that Iwas guilty, andashamed that anybody shouldbestowanyfavouronme,orshowmeanyrespect.

"Lord'sday,Aug.22.Inthemorning,continuedstill inperplexity.—Inthe evening, enjoyed that comfort that seemed to me sufficient tooverbalance all my late distresses. I saw that God is the only soul-satisfying portion, and I really found satisfaction in him.My soul wasmuchenlargedinsweetintercessionformyfellowmeneverywhere,andformanyChristianfriendsinparticular,indistantplaces.

"Monday,Aug. 23.Hada sweet season in secretprayer: theLorddrewnear tomysoul,and filledmewithpeaceanddivineconsolation.Omysoul tasted the sweetness of the upper world; and was drawn out inprayer for the world, that it might come home to Christ! Had much

comfortinthethoughtsandhopesoftheingatheringoftheheathen;wasgreatlyassistedinintercessionforChristianfriends."

Hecontinuedstillinthesameframeofmindthenextday,butinalesserdegree.

"Wednesday,Aug.25.Infamilyprayer,Godhelpedmetoclimbupnearhim,sothatIscarceevergotnearer."

Thefournextdays,heappearstohavebeenthesubjectofdesertion,andof comfort, and fervency in religion, interchangeably, together with asenseofvilenessandunprofitableness.

"Monday, Aug. 30. Felt something comfortably in the morning;conversedsweetlywithsomefriends;was inaseriouscomposedframe;andprayedatacertainhousewithsomedegreeofsweetness.Afterwards,at another house, prayed privatelywith a dear Christian friend or two;andIthinkIscarceeverlaunchedsofarintotheeternalworldasthen;Igotsofaroutonthebroadoceanthatmysoulwithjoytriumphedoverallthe evils on the shores of mortality. I think time, and all its gayamusements and cruel disappointments, never appeared soinconsiderabletomebefore.Iwasinasweetframe;Isawmyselfnothing,andmysoulreachedafterGodwithintensedesire.O!IsawwhatIowedtoGod,insuchamanner,asIscarceeverdid:IknewIhadneverlivedamomenttohimasIshoulddo;indeeditappearedtomeIhadneverdoneanythinginChristianity:mysoullongedwithavehementdesiretolivetoGod.—Intheevening,sungandprayedwithanumberofChristians:feltthepowersoftheworldtocomeinmysoul,inprayer.Afterwardsprayedagainprivately,withadearChristianor two,andfoundthepresenceofGod; was something humbled in my secret retirement: felt myingratitude,becauseIwasnotwhollyswallowedupinGod."

Hewasinasweetframegreatpartofthenextday.

"Wednesday,Sept.1.WenttoJudea,totheordinationofMr.Judd.DearMr.BellamypreachedfromMatt.xxiv.46.`Blessedisthatservant,'&c.Ifelt very solemnmostof the time;hadmy thoughtsmuchon that timewhenourLordwillcome;thattimerefreshedmysoulmuch;onlyIwas

afraid I shouldnot be found faithful, because I had so vile aheart.Mythoughtsweremuchineternity,whereIlovetodwell.BlessedbeGodforthissolemnseason.—Rodehometo-nightwithMr.Bellamy,conversedwith some friends till it was very late, and then retired to rest in acomfortableframe.

"Thursday,Sept.2.AbouttwointheafternoonIpreachedfromJohnvi.67. `Then said Jesus unto the twelve,Will ye also go away?' and Godassistedmeinsomecomfortabledegree;butmoreespecially inmyfirstprayer:mysoulseemedthentolaunchquiteintotheeternalworld,andtobeasitwereseparatedfromthislowerworld.—AfterwardspreachedagainfromIsa.v.4.`Whatcouldhavebeendonemore,'&c.Godgavemesomeassistance;butIsawmyselfapoorworm."

OnFriday,Sept.3.HecomplainsofhavingbutlittlelifeinthethingsofGod,theformerpartoftheday,butafterwardsspeaksofsweetnessandenlargement.

"Saturday,Sept.4.Muchoutofhealth,exceedinglydepressedinmysoul,andatanawfuldistancefromGod.—TowardsnightspentsometimeinprofitablethoughtsonRom.viii.2.`Forthelawofthespiritoflife,'&c.—Nearnighthadaverysweetseasoninprayer;Godenabledmetowrestleardently for the advancement of the Redeemer's kingdom; pleadedearnestlyformyowndearbrotherJohn,thatGodwouldmakehimmoreof a pilgrim and stranger on the earth, and fit him for singularserviceablenessintheworld;andmyheartsweetlyexultedintheLord,inthe thoughts of any distresses that might alight on him or me, in theadvancementofChrist'skingdom.-Itwasasweetandcomfortablehouruntomysoul,while Iwas indulgedwith freedomtoplead,notonly formyself,butalsoformanyothersouls.

"Lord'sday,Sept. 5.Preachedall day:was somewhat strengthenedandassistedintheafternoon;moreespeciallyintheevening:hadasenseofmyunspeakableshortcomings inallmyduties. I found,alas! thatIhadneverlivedtoGodinmylife.

"Monday,Sept.6.Wasinformed,thattheyonlywaitedforanopportunitytoapprehendmeforpreachingatNew-Haven lately, thatso theymight

imprisonme. This madememore solemn and serious, and to quit allhopesof theworld's friendship: it broughtme to a further senseofmyvileness,andjustdesertofthis,andmuchmore, fromthehandofGod,thoughnotfromthehandofman.Retiredintoaconvenientplaceinthewoods,andspreadthematterbeforeGod.

"Tuesday, Sept. 7. Had some relish of divine things in the morning.Afterwards feltmorebarren andmelancholy.Rode toNew-Haven, to afriend's house at a distance from the town; that I might remainundiscovered, and yet have opportunity to do business privately withfriendswhichcometocommencement.

"Wednesday,Sept.8.FeltverysweetlywhenIfirstroseinthemorning.In family prayer had some enlargement, but not much spirituality, tilleternitycameupbeforeme,andlookednear:Ifoundsomesweetnessinthethoughtsofbiddingadyingfarewell to this tiresomeworld.Thoughsome time ago I reckoned upon seeing my dear friends atcommencement; yet being now denied the opportunity, for fear ofimprisonment,Ifelttotallyresigned,andascontentedtospendthisdayaloneinthewoods,asIcouldhavedone, ifIhadbeenallowedtogototown.Feltexceedinglyweanedfromtheworldto-day.—IntheafternoonI discoursed on divine thingswith a dear Christian friend,wherebywewerebothrefreshed.ThenIprayed,withasweetsenseoftheblessednessofcommunionwithGod:IthinkIscarceeverenjoyedmoreofGodinanyoneprayer.Oitwasablessedseasonindeedtomysoul;IknownotthateverIsawsomuchofmyownnothingnessinmylife;neverwonderedso,thatGod allowedme to preachhisword.—This has been a sweet andcomfortabledaytomysoul.BlessedbeGod.—Prayedagainwithmydearfriend, with something of the divine presence. — I long to be whollyconformedtoGod,andtransformedintohisimage.

"Thursday,Sept.9.Spentmuchofthedayalone:enjoyedthepresenceofGod insomecomfortabledegree:wasvisitedbysomedear friends,andprayedwiththem:wrotesundryletterstofriends;feltreligioninmysoulwhile writing: enjoyed sweet meditations on some scriptures. -In theevening,wentveryprivatelyintotown,fromtheplaceofmyresidenceatthefarms,andconversedwithsomedearfriends;feltsweetlyinsinginghymnswiththem:andmademyescapetothefarmsagain,withoutbeing

discovered by my enemies, as I knew of. Thus the Lord preserves mecontinually.

"Friday, Sept. 10. Longedwith intense desire afterGod;mywhole soulseemedimpatienttobeconformedtohim,andtobecome`holy,asheisholy.'—Intheafternoon,prayedwithadearfriendprivately,andhadthepresenceofGodwithus;oursoulsunitedtogethertoreachafterablessedimmortality, tobeunclothedof thebodyof sinanddeath,and toentertheblessedworld,wherenounclean thingenters.O,withwhat intensedesiredidoursoulslongforthatblessedday,thatwemightbefreedfromsin,andforeverlivetoandinourGod!—Intheevening,tookleaveofthathouse;butfirstkneeleddownandprayed;theLordwasofatruthinthe midst of us; it was a sweet parting season; felt in myself muchsweetness and affection in the things ofGod.Blessed beGod for everysuch divine gale of his Spirit, to speed me on in my way to the newJerusalem! -Felt some sweetness afterwards, and spent the evening inconversationwithfriends,andprayedwithsomelife,andretiredtorestverylate."

Thefivenextdaysheappearstohavebeeninanexceedingcomfortableframeofmind,forthemostpart,andtohavebeenthesubjectofthelikeheavenly exercises as are often expressed in preceding passages of hisdiary; such as, having his heartmuch engaged for God, wrestling withhiminprayerwithpowerandardency;enjoyingattimessweetcalmnessandcomposureofmind,givinghimselfuptoGodtobehisforever,withgreatcomplacenceofmind;beingwhollyresignedtothewillofGod,thathemightdowithhimwhathepleased;longingtoimprovetime,havingtheeternalworldasitwerebroughtnigh;longingafterGodandholiness,earnestly desiring a complete conformity to him, and wondering howpoorsoulsdotoexistwithoutGod.

"Thursday,Sept.16.AtnightenjoyedmuchofGodinsecretprayer: feltan uncommon resignation, to be and dowhatGod pleased. Some dayspastIfeltgreatperplexityonaccountofmypastconduct:mybitterness,andwantofChristiankindnessandlove,hasbeenverydistressingtomysoul:theLordforgivememyunChristianwarmth,andwantofaspiritofmeekness!"

The next day he speaks of much resignation, calmness, and peace ofmind,andnearviewsoftheeternalworld.

"SaturdaySept.18.Feltsomecompassionforsouls,andmournedIhadno more. I feel much more kindness, meekness, gentleness, and lovetowardsallmankind,thanever.Ilongtobeatthefeetofmyenemiesandpersecutors: enjoyed some sweetness, in feelingmy soul conformed toChristJesus,andgivenawaytohimever."

Thenextdayhespeaksofmuchdejectionanddiscouragement,fromanapprehensionofhisownunfitnessevertodoanygoodinpreaching;butblessesGodforalldispensationsofprovidenceandgrace;findingthatbyallGodweanedhimmorefromtheworld,andmadehimmoreresigned.

Thenexttendaysheappearstohavebeenforthemostpartundergreatdegreesofmelancholy, exceedinglydejectedanddiscouraged: speaksofhisbeingreadytogiveupallforgonerespectingthecauseofChrist,andexceedingly longing todie:yethadsomesweetseasonsand intervalsofcomfort,andspecialassistanceandenlargementinthedutiesofreligion,andinperformingpublicservices,andconsiderablesuccessinthem.

"Thursday, Sept. 30. Still very low in spirits; I did not know how toengage in any work or business, especially to correct some disordersamong Christians; felt as though I had no power to be faithful in thatregard.However,towardsnoonIpreachedfromDeut.viii.2.`Andthoushalt remember,' &c. and was enabled with freedom to reprove somethings in Christians' conduct, that I thought very unsuitable andirregular;insistedneartwohoursonthissubject.

Throughthisandthetwofollowingweekshepassedthroughavarietyofexercises: he was frequently dejected, and felt inward distresses; andsometimessunkintothedepthsofmelancholy:atwhichturnshewasnotexercisedaboutthestateofhissoul,withregardtothefavourofGod,andhisinterestinChrist,butabouthisownsinfulinfirmities,andunfitnessforGod'sservice.Hismindappearssometimesextremelydepressedandsunk with a sense of inexpressible vileness. But in the mean time hespeaksofmanyseasonsofcomfortandspiritualrefreshment,whereinhisheartwasencouragedandstrengthenedinGod,andsweetlyresignedto

hiswill;ofsomeseasonsofveryhighdegreesofspiritualconsolation,andof his great longings after holiness and conformity toGod; of his greatfearofoffendingGod,andofhisheartbeingsweetlymeltedinreligiousduties; of his longing for the advancement of Christ's kingdom, of hishavingattimesmuchassistanceinpreaching,andofremarkableeffectsontheauditory.

"Lord's day, Oct. 17. Had a considerable sense ofmy helplessness andinability; saw that I must be dependent on God for all I want; andespeciallywhenIwenttotheplaceofpublicworship.IfoundIcouldnotspeakawordforGodwithouthisspecialhelpandassistance.Iwentintothe assembly trembling, as I frequently do, under a sense of myinsufficiencytodoanythinginthecauseofGod,asIoughttodo.—ButitpleasedGod toaffordmemuchassistance, and there seemed tobeaconsiderableeffectonthehearers.—IntheeveningIfeltadispositiontopraise God, for his goodness to me, that he had enabled me in somemeasure to be faithful; andmy soul rejoiced to think, that I had thusperformedtheworkofonedaymore,andwasonedaynearermyeternal,andI trustmyheavenly,home.OthatImightbe"faithful tothedeath,fulfillingasanhirelingmyday,"tilltheshadesoftheeveningoflifeshallfreemysoulfromthetoilsoftheday!Thisevening,insecretprayer,Ifeltexceeding solemn, and such longing desires after deliverance from sin,and after conformity to God, as melted my heart. Oh, I longed to be"delivered from this body of death!" I felt inward pleasing pain, that Icould not be conformed toGod entirely, fully, and for ever.— I scarceever preach without being first visited with inward conflicts and soretrials. Blessed be the Lord for these trials and distresses as they areblessedformyhumbling.

"Monday,Oct.18.InthemorningIfeltsomesweetness,butstillpressedthrough trialsof soul.My life isaconstantmixtureof consolationsandconflicts,andwillbesotillIarriveattheworldofspirits.

"Tuesday,Oct.19.ThismorningandlastnightIfeltasweetlonginginmysoulafterholiness.Mysoulseemedsotoreachandstretchtowardsthemarkofperfectsanctity,thatitwasreadytobreakwithlongings.

"Wednesday, Oct. 20. Exceeding infirm in body, exercised with much

pain, and very lifeless in divine things.— Felt a little sweetness in theevening.

"Thursday,Oct.21.Hadaverydeepsenseofthevanityoftheworldmostof the day; had little more regard to it than if I had been to go intoeternity thenexthour.Throughdivinegoodness, I feltveryseriousandsolemn. O, I love to live on the brink of eternity, in my views andmeditations! This gives me a sweet, awful, and reverential sense andapprehension of God and divine things, when I see myself as it werestandingbeforethejudgment-seatofChrist.

"Friday,Oct. 22.Uncommonlyweaned from theworld to-day:my souldelightedtobeastrangerandpilgrimontheearth;Ifeltadispositioninmenevertohaveanythingtodowiththisworld.ThecharactergivenofsomeoftheancientpeopleofGod,inHeb.xi.13.wasverypleasingtome,`Theyconfessed that theywerepilgrimsandstrangersontheearth,'bytheir daily practice; and O that I could always do so! — Spent someconsiderable time in apleasant grove, inprayer andmeditation.O it issweettobethusweanedfromfriends,andfrommyself,anddeadtothepresentworld,thatsoImaylivewhollytoandupontheblessedGod!Sawmyself little, low, and vile in myself. — In the afternoon preached atBethlehem, fromDeut. viii. 2.Godhelpedme to speak to thehearts ofdear Christians. Blessed be the Lord for this season: I trust they and Ishallrejoiceonthisaccounttoalleternity.—DearMr.Bellamycamein,while I was making the first prayer; (being returned home from ajourney;) and after meeting we walked away together, and spent theevening in sweetly conversing on divine things, and praying together,withsweetand tender love toeachother,andreturned torestwithourheartsinaseriousspiritualframe.

"Saturday, Oct. 23. Somewhat perplexed and confused. Rode this dayfromBethlehemtoSimsbury.

"Lord'sday,Oct.24.Feltsovileandunworthy,thatIscarceknewhowtoconversewithhumancreatures.

"Monday,Oct. 25. [At Turky-Hills] In the evening I enjoyed the divinepresenceinsecretprayer.Itwasasweetandcomfortableseasontome;

mysoullongedforGod,forthelivingGod:enjoyedasweetsolemnityofspirit, and longing desire after the recovery of the divine image inmysoul.`ThenshallIbesatisfied,whenIshallawakeinGod'slikeness,'andneverbefore.

"Tuesday, Oct. 26. [At West-Suffield] Underwent the most dreadfuldistresses, under a sense ofmy own unworthiness. It seemed tome, Ideservedrathertobedrivenoutoftheplace,thantohaveanybodytreatmewithanykindness,orcometohearmepreach.Andverilymyspiritsweresodepressedatthistime,(asatmanyothers,)thatitwasimpossibleI should treat immortal soulswith faithfulness. I couldnotdeal closelyandfaithfullywiththem,Ifellinfinitelyvileinmyself.Oh,whatdustandashesIam,tothinkofpreachingthegospeltoothers!IndeedInevercanbe faithful for onemoment, but shall certainly `daubwith untemperedmortar,'ifGoddonotgrantmespecialhelp.—IntheeveningIwenttothemeeting-house,anditlookedtomenearaseasyforonetoriseoutofthegraveandpreach,asforme.However,Godaffordedmesomelifeandpower, both in prayer and sermon; andwas pleased to liftme up, andshowmethathecouldenablemetopreach.OthewonderfulgoodnessofGod to so vile a sinner!—Returned tomyquarters; andenjoyed somesweetness in prayer alone, andmourned that I could not livemore toGod.

"Wednesday,Oct.27.Ispenttheforenooninprayerandmeditation;wasnota littleconcernedaboutpreaching intheafternoon: feltexceedinglywithout strength, andveryhelpless indeed; andwent into themeeting-house,ashamedtoseeanycometohearsuchanunspeakablyworthlesswretch.However,God enabledme to speakwith clearness, power, andpungencyBut therewas somenoise and tumult in the assembly, that Idid not well like; and endeavoured to bear public testimony against itwithmoderationandmildness,throughthecurrentofmydiscourse.—Intheevening,wasenabledtobeinsomemeasurethankfulanddevotedtoGod."

The frames and exercises of his mind during the four next days weremostlyverysimilar to thoseof the twodayspast;excepting intervalsofconsiderabledegreesofdivinepeaceandconsolation.

The things expressed within the space of the three following days aresuchasthese;someseasonsofdejection,mourningforbeingsodestituteoftheexercisesofgrace,longingtobedeliveredfromsin,pressingaftermore of God, seasons of sweet consolation, precious and intimateconversewithGodinsecretprayer,sweetnessofChristianconversation,&c.—Within this timehe rode fromSuffield toEastbury,Hebron,andLebanon.

"Thursday,Nov.4. [AtLebanon]Sawmuchofmynothingnessmost ofthisday:butfeltconcernedthatIhadnomoresenseofmyinsufficiencyandunworthiness.Oit issweetlyinginthedust!Butit isdistressingtofeelinmysoulthehellofcorruption,whichstillremainsinme.—Intheafternoon, had a sense of the sweetness of a strict, close, and constantdevotedness toGod, andmy soulwas comfortedwith his consolations.My soul felt a pleasing, yet painful concern, lest I should spend somemomentswithoutGod.OmayIalways live toGod!—Intheevening, Iwas visited by some friends, and spent the time in prayer and suchconversationastendedtoouredification.Itwasacomfortableseasontomysoul:IfeltanintensedesiretospendeverymomentforGod.Godisunspeakablygracious tomecontinually. In timespast,hehasgivenmeinexpressiblesweetness in theperformanceofduty.FrequentlymysoulhasenjoyedmuchofGod;buthasbeenreadytosay,`Lord,itisgoodtobehere;'andso to indulgesloth,whileIhave livedonthesweetnessofmy feelings.Butof late,Godhasbeenpleased tokeepmysoulhungry,almostcontinually;sothatIhavebeenfilledwithakindofpleasingpain.WhenIreallyenjoyGod,Ifeelmydesiresofhimthemoreinsatiable,andmy thirstings after holiness themore unquenchable; and the Lord willnot allowme to feel as though I were fully supplied and satisfied, butkeeps me still reaching forward. I feel barren and empty, as though IcouldnotlivewithoutmoreofGod;Ifeelashamedandguiltybeforehim.Oh!Iseethat`thelawisspiritual,butIamcarnal.'Idonot,IcannotlivetoGod.Ohforholiness!OhformoreofGodinmysoul!Ohthispleasingpain!ItmakesmysoulpressafterGod;thelanguageofitis,`ThenshallIbe satisfied, when I awake in God's likeness,' (Ps. xvii. ult.) but never,neverbefore:andconsequentlyIamengagedto`presstowardsthemark'daybyday.OthatImayfeelthiscontinualhunger,andnotberetarded,but rather animated by every cluster fromCanaan, to reach forward in

the narrowway, for the full enjoyment and possession of the heavenlyinheritance!OthatImayneverloiterinmyheavenlyjourney!"

These insatiable desires afterGod andholiness continued the twonextdays, with a great sense of his own exceeding unworthiness, and thenothingnessofthethingsofthisworld.

"Lord'sday,Nov.7.[AtMillington]ItseemedasifsuchanunholywretchasInevercouldarriveatthatblessedness,tobe`holy,asGodisholy.'AtnoonIlongedforsanctification,andconformitytoGod.Oh,thatisTHEALL,THEALL!TheLordhelpmetopressafterGodforever.

"Monday, Nov. 8. Towards night enjoyed much sweetness in secretprayer,sothatmysoullongedforanarrivalintheheavenlycountry,theblessedparadiseofGod.Throughdivinegoodness,Ihavescarceseentheday,fortwomonths,butdeathhaslookedsopleasanttomeatonetimeorotherof theday, thatIcouldhaverejoicedthepresentshouldbemylast,notwithstandingmypressinginwardtrialsandconflicts.ItrusttheLordwillfinallymakemeaconqueror,andmorethanaconqueror;andthatIshallbeable tousethat triumphant language,`Odeath,where isthysting!'And,`Ograve,whereisthyvictory!'"

Withinthenexttendaysthefollowingthingsareexpressed:longingandwrestlingtobeholy,andtolivetoGod;adesirethateverysinglethoughtmight be for God; feeling guilty, that his thoughts were no moreswallowedupinGod;sweetsolemnityandcalmnessofmind;submissionandresignationtoGod;greatweanednessfromtheworld;abasementinthe dust; grief at some vain conversation thatwas observed; sweetnessfrom time to time in secretprayer, and in conversing andprayingwithChristianfriends.AndeverydayheappearstohavebeengreatlyengagedinthegreatbusinessofreligionandlivingtoGod,withoutinterruption.

"Friday,Nov. 19. [AtNew-Haven]Received a letter from theReverendMr. Pemberton of New York, desiringme speedily to go down thither,andconsultabout the Indianaffairs in thoseparts;and tomeetcertaingentlemen there who were entrusted with those affairs. My mind wasinstantly seized with concern; so I retired with two or three Christianfriends, and prayed; and indeed it was a sweet time with me. I was

enabledtoleavemyselfandallmyconcernswithGod;andtakingleaveoffriends,IrodetoRipton,andwascomfortedinanopportunitytoseeandconversewithdearMr.Mills."

In the four next following days he was sometimes oppressed with theweight of that great affair, about whichMr. Pemberton had written tohim;butwasenabledfromtimetotimeto"casthisburdenontheLord,"andtocommithimselfandallhisconcernstohim.Hecontinuedstillinasenseoftheexcellencyofholiness,longingsafterit,andearnestdesiresoftheadvancementofChrist'skingdomintheworld;andhadfromtimetotimesweetcomfortinmeditationandprayer.

"Wednesday,Nov.24.CametoNewYork:feltstillmuchconcernedabouttheimportanceofmybusiness;putupmanyearnestrequeststoGodforhis help and direction; was confused with the noise and tumult of thecity;enjoyedbutlittletimealonewithGod;butmysoullongedafterhim.

"Thursday, Nov. 25. Spent much time in prayer and supplication: wasexamined by some gentlemen, of my Christian experience, and myacquaintance with divinity, and some other studies, in order to myimprovementinthatimportantaffairofgospellizingtheheathen;[9]andwasmadesensibleofmygreatignoranceandunfitnessforpublicservice.I had the most abasing thoughts of myself, I think, that ever I had; Ithoughtmyself theworstwretch thatever lived: ithurtme,andpainedmy very heart, that any body should show me any respect. Alas! methought,howsadlytheyaredeceivedinme!howmiserablywouldtheybedisappointed, if they knew my inside! Oh my heart! — And in thisdepressed condition I was forced to go and preach to a considerableassembly, before some grave and learned ministers; but felt such apressurefromasenseofmyvileness,ignorance,andunfitnesstoappearinpublic,thatIwasalmostovercomewithit;mysoulwasgrievedforthecongregation; that they should sit there to hear such a dead dog as Ipreach.Ithoughtmyselfinfinitelyindebtedtothepeople,andlongedthatGodwouldrewardthemwiththerewardsofhisgrace.—Ispentmuchoftheeveningalone."

MissionAmongIndiansatKaunaumeek

Fromthetimeofhisexaminationbythecorrespondentsofthesocietyforpropagatingchristianknowledge,andbeingappointedtheirmissionary,tohisfirstentranceonthebusinessofhismissionamongtheindiansatKaunaumeek.

"Friday,Nov.26.Hadstillasenseofmygreatvileness,andendeavouredasmuch as I could to keep alone. Oh, what a nothing, what dust andashes am I! — Enjoyed some peace and comfort in spreading mycomplaintsbeforetheGodofallgrace.

"Saturday, Nov. 27. Committed my soul to God with some degree ofcomfort; left New York about nine in the morning; came away with adistressingsensestillofmyunspeakableunworthiness.SurelyImaywellloveallmybrethren;fornoneofthemallissovileasI;whatevertheydooutwardly,yet itseemstomenone isconsciousofsomuchguiltbeforeGod.Ohmyleanness,mybarrenness,mycarnality,andpastbitterness,andwantofagospel-temper!Thesethingsoppressmysoul.—RodefromNewYork, thirtymiles, toWhitePlains,andmostof thewaycontinuedliftingupmyhearttoGodformercyandpurifyinggrace:andspenttheeveningmuchdejectedinspirit."

The three next days he continued in this frame, in a great sense of hisownvileness,withanevidentmixtureofmelancholy,innosmalldegree;buthadsomeintervalsofcomfort,andGod'ssensiblepresencewithhim.

"Wednesday,Dec. 1.MysoulbreathedafterGod, in sweet spiritualandlongingdesiresofconformity tohim;mysoulwasbrought torest itselfandallonhis richgrace,and felt strengthandencouragement todoorsuffer any thing thatDivineProvidence should allotme.—Rode abouttwentymilesfromStratfieldtoNewton."

WithinthespaceofthenextninedayshewentajourneyfromNewtontoHaddam, his native town; and after staying there some days, returned

againintothewesternpartofConnecticut,andcametoSouthbury.Inhisaccountoftheframesandexercisesofhismind,duringthisspaceoftime,are such things as these: frequent turns of dejection; a sense of hisvileness,emptiness,andanunfathomableabyssofdesperatewickednessinhisheart,attendedwithaconvictionthathehadneverseenbutlittleofit; bitterlymourning over his barrenness, being greatly grieved that hecouldnotlivetoGod,towhomheowedhisalltenthousandtimes,cryingout, "My leanness, my leanness!" a sense of the meetness andsuitablenessofhis lying inthedustbeneaththefeetof infinitemajesty;fervencyandardorinprayer;longingtolivetoGod;beingafflictedwithsome impertinent trifling conversation that he heard; but enjoyingsweetnessinChristianconversation.

"Saturday,Dec.11.Conversedwithadearfriend,towhomIhadthoughtofgivingaliberaleducation,andbeingatthewholechargeofit,thathemight be fitted for the gospel-ministry. [10] I acquainted himwithmythoughtsinthatmatter,andsolefthimtoconsiderofit,tillIshouldseehim again. Then I rode to Bethlehem, came toMr. Bellamy's lodgings,and spent the evening with him in sweet conversation and prayer.WerecommendedtheconcernofsendingmyfriendtocollegetotheGodofallgrace.BlessedbetheLordforthisevening'sopportunitytogether.

"Lord'sday,Dec.12. I felt, in themorningas if Ihad littleornopowereithertoprayorpreach;andfeltadistressingneedofdivinehelp.Iwentto meeting trembling; but it pleased God to assist me in prayer andsermon.Ithinkmysoulscarceeverpenetratedsofarintotheimmaterialworld,inanyoneprayerthateverImade,norweremydevotionseversofree from gross conceptions and imaginations framed from beholdingmaterialobjects.Ipreachedwithsomesweetness,fromMatt.vi.33.`ButseekyefirstthekingdomofGod,'&c.;andintheafternoonfromRom.xv.30.`AndnowIbeseechyou,brethren,'&c.Therewasmuchaffectionintheassembly.Thishasbeenasweetsabbathtome;andblessedbeGod,Ihavereasontothink,thatmyreligionisbecomemorespiritual,bymeansof my late inward conflicts. Amen. May I always be willing that Godshouldusehisownmethodswithme!

"Monday, Dec. 13. Joined in prayer with Mr. Bellamy; and foundsweetness and composure in parting with him, as he went a journey.

Enjoyedsomesweetnessthroughtheday;andjustatnightrodedowntoWoodbury.

"Tuesday,Dec. 14.Someperplexityhungonmymind; Iwasdistressedlastnightandthismorning,fortheinterestofZion,especiallyonaccountof the falseappearancesof religion, thatdobut ratherbreedconfusion,especially in someplaces. I cried toGod forhelp, to enableme tobeartestimony against those things, which instead of promoting, do buthinder the progress of vital piety. In the afternoon rode down toSouthbury; and conversed again with my friend about the importantaffair of his pursuing thework of theministry; and he appearedmuchinclined to devote himself to that work, if God should succeed hisattemptstoqualifyhimselfforsogreatawork.IntheeveningIpreachedfrom1Thess. iv.8.`Hethereforethatdespiseth,'&c.andendeavoured,thoughwith tenderness, toundermine false religion.TheLordgavemesomeassistance;but,however,Iseemedsovile,IwasashamedtobeseenwhenIcameoutofthemeeting-house.

"Wednesday,Dec. 15. Enjoyed something ofGod to-day, both in secretand social prayer; but was sensible of much barrenness, and defect induty, aswell asmy inability to helpmyself for the time to come, or toperformtheworkandbusinessIhavetodo.Afterwards,feltmuchofthesweetnessofreligion,andthetendernessofthegospel-temper.Ifoundadearlovetoallmankind,andwasmuchafraidlestsomemotionofangerorresentmentshould,sometimeorother,creepintomyheart.Hadsomecomforting soul-refreshing discoursewith dear friends, just as we tookour leave of each other; and supposed itmight be likelywe shouldnotmeet again tillwe came to the eternalworld. [11] I doubt not, throughgrace, but that someof us shall have a happymeeting there, and blessGodforthisseason,aswellasmanyothers.Amen.

"Thursday,Dec.16.RodedowntoDerby;andhadsomesweetthoughtson the road: especially on the essence of our salvation by Christ, fromthosewords,ThoushaltcallhisnameJesus,&c.

"Friday, Dec. 17. Spent much time in sweet conversation on spiritualthings with dearMr.Humphreys. Rode to Ripton; spent some time inprayerwithdearChristianfriends.

"Saturday,Dec.18.Spentmuchtimeinprayerinthewoods;andseemedraisedabove the thingsof theworld:mysoulwasstrong in theLordofhosts;butwassensibleofgreatbarrenness.

"Lord's day, Dec. 19. At the sacrament of the Lord's supper, I seemedstrongintheLord;andtheworld,withall itsfrownsandflatteries, inagreatmeasuredisappeared,sothatmysoulhadnothingtodowiththem:and I felt a disposition to be wholly and for ever the Lord's. — In theevening,enjoyedsomethingofthedivinepresence;hadahumblingsenseofmyvileness,barrenness,andsinfulness.Oh,itwoundedme,tothinkofthemisimprovementoftime!Godbemercifultomeasinner.

"Monday, Dec. 20. Spent this day in prayer, reading, andwriting; andenjoyed some assistance, especially in correcting some thoughts on acertainsubject;buthadamournfulsenseofmybarrenness.

"Tuesday,Dec.21.Hada senseofmy insufficiency for anypublicworkandbusiness,aswellastolivetoGod.IrodeovertoDerby,andpreachedthere.ItpleasedGodtogivemeverysweetassistanceandenlargement,and toenableme to speakwitha soft, tenderpowerandenergy.—Wehadafterwardsacomfortableeveninginsingingandprayer.Godenabledme to praywith asmuch spirituality and sweetness as I have done forsometime:mymindseemedtobeunclothedofsenseand imagination,andwas in ameasure let into the immaterialworld of spirits.Thisdaywas,Itrust,throughinfinitegoodness,madeveryprofitabletoanumberofus,toadvanceoursoulsinholinessandconformitytoGod:theglorybetohimforever.Amen.HowblesseditistogrowmoreandmorelikeGod.

"Wednesday,Dec. 22.Enjoyed some assistance in preaching atRipton;butmysoulmournedwithinmeformybarrenness.

"Thursday,Dec.23.Enjoyed, I trust, somethingofGod thismorning insecret.Ohhowdivinelysweetisittocomeintothesecretofhispresence,and abide in his pavilion!— Took an affectionate leave of friends, notexpecting to see themagain foravery considerable time, if ever in thisworld.RodewithMr.HumphreystohishouseatDerby;spentthetimeinsweet conversation; my soul was refreshed and sweetly melted with

divinethings.OhthatIwasalwaysconsecratedtoGod!Nearnight,Irodeto New-Haven, and there enjoyed some sweetness in prayer andconversation, with some dear Christian friends. My mind was sweetlyserious and composed; but alas! I too much lost the sense of divinethings."

Hecontinuedmuchinthesameframeofmind,andinlikeexercises,thetwofollowingdays.

"Lord's day, Dec. 26. Felt much sweetness and tenderness in prayer,especially my whole soul seemed to love my worst enemies, and wasenabled topray for those thatare strangersandenemies toGodwithagreat degree of softness and pathetic fervor. In the evening, rode fromNew-Haven to Branford, after I had kneeled down and prayed with anumberofdearChristianfriendsinaveryretiredplaceinthewoods,andsoparted.

"Monday,Dec.27.Enjoyedapreciousseasonindeed;hadasweetmeltingsense of divine things, of the pure spirituality of the religion of ChristJesus.Intheevening,IpreachedfromMatt.

vi.33.`Butseekyefirst,'&c.withmuchfreedom,andsweetpowerandpungency: thepresenceofGodattendedourmeeting.O the sweetness,thetendernessIfeltinmysoul!ifeverIfeltthetemperofChrist,Ihadsomesenseofitnow.BlessedbemyGod,Ihaveseldomenjoyedamorecomfortableandprofitabledaythanthis.OthatIcouldspendallmytimeforGod!

"Tuesday,Dec.28.RodefromBranfordtoHaddam.Inthemorning,myclearness and sweetness in divine things continued; but afterwardsmyspirituallifesensiblydeclined."

The next twelve days he was for the most part extremely dejected,discouraged, and distressed; and was evidently very much under thepowerofmelancholy.Therearefromdaytodaymostbittercomplaintsofexceedingvileness, ignorance,andcorruption;anamazing loadofguilt,unworthiness even to creep on God's earth, everlasting uselessness,fitnessfornothing,&c.andsometimesexpressionsevenofhorroratthe

thoughtsofeverpreachingagain.Butyetinthistimeofgreatdejection,hespeaksofseveralintervalsofdivinehelpandcomfort.

Thethreenextdays,whichwerespentatHebronandtheCrank,(aparishinLebanon,)hehadrelief,andenjoyedconsiderablecomfort.

"Friday, Jan. 14, 1743. My spiritual conflicts to-day were unspeakablydreadful, heavier than themountains and overflowing floods. I seemedenclosed,asitwere,inhellitself:IwasdeprivedofallsenseofGod,evenof the being of a God; and that was my misery. I had no awfulapprehensionsofGodasangry.Thiswasdistressthenearestakintothedamneds' torments, that I ever endured: their torment, I am sure, willconsistmuch in a privation ofGod, and consequently of all good. ThistaughtmetheabsolutedependenceofacreatureuponGodtheCreator,foreverycrumbofhappinessitenjoys.Oh!IfeelthatifthereisnoGod,though Imight live for everhere, andenjoynotonly this,butall otherworlds,Ishouldbetenthousandtimesmoremiserablethanatoad.Mysoul was in such anguish I could not eat; but felt as I suppose a poorwretchwould that is just going to the place of execution. Iwas almostswallowed up with anguish, when I saw people gathering together, tohearmepreach.However,IwentinthatdistresstothehouseofGod,andfoundnotmuch relief in the firstprayer: it seemedas ifGodwould letloosethepeopleuponmetodestroyme;norwerethethoughtsofdeathdistressingtome,likemyownvileness.Butafterwards,inmydiscoursefrom Deut. viii. 2. God was pleased to give me some freedom andenlargement, some power and spirituality; and I spent the eveningsomewhatcomfortably."

The two next days his comfort continues, and he seems to enjoy analmostcontinualsweetnessofsoulinthedutiesandexercisesofreligionandChristianconversation.OnMondaywasareturnofthegloomhehadbeenundertheFridaybefore.HerodetoCoventrythisday,andthelatterpart of the day hadmore freedom.OnTuesday he rode toCanterbury,andcontinuedmorecomfortable.

"Wednesday, Jan. 19. [At Canterbury] In the afternoon preached thelectureatthemeeting-house;feltsometenderness,andsomethingofthegospel-temper:exhortedthepeopletoloveoneanother,andnottosetup

theirownframesasastandardtotryalltheirbrethrenby.Butwasmuchpressed, most of the day, with a sense of my own badness, inwardimpurity, and unspeakable corruption. Spent the evening in loving,Christianconversation.

"Thursday, Jan. 20. Rode tomy brother's house betweenNorwich andLebanon; and preached in the evening to a number of people: enjoyedneitherfreedomnorspirituality,butsawmyselfexceedingunworthy.

"Friday, Jan. 21.Hadgreat inward conflicts; enjoyedbut little comfort.WenttoseeMr.WilliamsofLebanon,andspentseveralhourswithhim;andwasgreatlydelightedwithhisserious,deliberate,andimpartialwayofdiscourseaboutreligion."

Thenextdayhewasmuchdejected.

"Lord'sday,Jan.23.Iscarceeverfeltmyselfsounfittoexist,asnow:sawIwasnotworthyofaplaceamongtheIndians,whereIamgoing,ifGodpermit:thoughtIshouldbeashamedtolookthemintheface,andmuchmoretohaveanyrespectshownmethere.IndeedIfeltmyselfbanishedfromtheearth,asifallplacesweretoogoodforsuchawretch.IthoughtIshouldbeashamedtogoamongtheverysavagesofAfrica;Iappearedtomyselfacreaturefitfornothing,neitherheavennorearth.—Noneknow,butthosewhofeelit,whatthesoulenduresthatissensiblyshutoutfromthepresenceofGod:alas!itismorebitterthandeath."

OnMondayherodetoStoningtown,Mr.Fish'sparish.—OnTuesdayheexpressesconsiderabledegreesofspiritualcomfortandrefreshment.

"Wednesday,Jan.26.Preached toapretty largeassemblyatMr.Fish'smeeting-house: insisted on humility, and stedfastness in keepingGod'scommands; and that throughhumilitywe shouldprefer one another inlove,andnotmakeourownframestherulebywhichwejudgeothers.Ifelt sweetly calm, and full of brotherly love; and nevermore free fromparty spirit. I hope some goodwill follow; thatChristianswill be freedfromfalsejoy,andpartyzeal,andcensuringoneanother."

On Thursday, after considerable time spent in prayer and Christian

conversation,herodetoNewLondon.

"Friday,Jan.28.HereIfoundsomefallenintoextravagances;toomuchcarried awaywith a false zeal andbitterness.Oh, thewant of a gospel-temperisgreatlytobelamented.SpenttheeveninginconversingaboutsomepointsofconductinbothministersandprivateChristians;butdidnotagreewiththem.Godhadnottaughtthemwithbriersandthornstobeofakinddispositiontowardsmankind."

OnSaturdayherodetoEastHaddam,andspentthethreefollowingdaysthere.Inthatspaceoftimehespeaksofhisfeelingweanednessfromtheworld,asenseofthenearnessofeternity,specialassistanceinprayingfortheenlargementofChrist'skingdom,timesofspiritualcomfort,&c.

"Wednesday, Feb. 2. Preached my farewell sermon, last night, at thehouse of an aged man, who had been unable to attend on the publicworship for some time. Thismorning spent the time in prayer, almostwherever I went; and having taken leave of friends, I set out on myjourney towards the Indians; though Iwas to spend some time atEastHamptononLongIsland,by leaveof thecommissionerswhoemployedmeintheIndianaffair;[12]andbeingaccompaniedbyamessengerfromEast-Hampton, we traveled to Lyme. On the road I felt an uncommonpressureofmind: I seemed to strugglehard for somepleasure in someherebelow,andseemedlothetogiveupallforgone;sawIwasevidentlythrowing myself into all hardships and distresses in my presentundertaking.Ithoughtitwouldbelessdifficulttoliedowninthegrave;butyetIchosetogo,ratherthanstay.—CametoLymethatnight."

He waited the two next days for a passage over the Sound, and spentmuch of the time in inward conflicts and dejection, but had somecomfort.

OnSaturdayhecrossedtheSound,andlandedatOyster-PondsonLongIsland, and traveled from thence to East Hampton. And the sevenfollowingdayshespentthere,forthemostpart,underextremedejectionand gloominess ofmind,with great complaints of darkness, ignorance,&c. Yet his heart appears to have been constantly engaged in the greatbusinessof religion,muchconcerned for the interestof religion inEast

Hampton,andprayingandlaboringmuchforit.

"Saturday, Feb. 12. Enjoyed a little more comfort; was enabled tomeditatewith some composure ofmind; and especially in the evening,foundmysoulmorerefreshedinprayer,thanatanytimeoflate;mysoulseemed to `take hold of God's strength,' and was comforted with hisconsolations. O how sweet are some glimpses of divine glory! howstrengtheningandquickening!

"Lord's day, Feb. 13. At noon under a great degree of discouragement;knewnot how itwas possible forme to preach in the afternoon. Iwasreadytogiveupall forgone;butGodwaspleasedtoassistme insomemeasure.Intheevening,myheartwassweetlydrawnoutafterGod,anddevotedtohim."

Thenextdayhehadcomfortanddejectionintermingled.

"Tuesday, Feb. 15. Early in the day I felt some comfort; afterwards Iwalkedintoaneighboringgrove,andfeltmoreasastrangeronearth,Ithink,thaneverbefore;deadtoanyoftheenjoymentsoftheworld,asifIhadbeendeadinanaturalsense.—Intheevening,haddivinesweetnessinsecretduty:Godwas thenmyportion,andmysoulroseabove thosedeepwaters,intowhichIhavesunksolowoflate.—MysoulthencriedforZion,andhadsweetnessinsodoing."

Thissweetframecontinuedthenextmorning;butafterwardshisinwarddistressreturned.

"Thursday,Feb.17.Inthemorningfoundmyselfcomfortable,andrestedonGodinsomemeasure.—PreachedthisdayatalittlevillagebelongingtoEastHampton;andGodwaspleasedtogivemehisgraciouspresenceandassistance,sothatIspakewithfreedom,boldness,andsomepower.In the evening, spent some time with a dear Christian friend; and feltserious,ason thebrinkofeternity.Mysoulenjoyedsweetness in livelyapprehensionsofstandingbeforethegloriousGod:prayedwithmydearfriend with sweetness, and discoursed with the utmost solemnity. Andtruly it was a little emblem of heaven itself. — I findmy soul ismorerefined and weaned from a dependence on my frames and spiritual

feelings.

"Friday, Feb. 18. Felt something sweetly most of the day, and foundaccess to the throne of grace. Blessed be the Lord for any intervals ofheavenlydelightandcomposure,whileIamengagedinthefieldofbattle.O that Imightbe serious, solemn, andalways vigilant,while in an evilworld!Hadsomeopportunityaloneto-day,andfoundsomefreedominstudy.O,IlongtolivetoGod!

"Saturday, Feb. 19.Was exceeding infirm to-day, greatly troubled withpain inmyhead anddizziness, scarce able to sit up.However, enjoyedsomething of God in prayer, and performed some necessary studies. Iexceedinglylongtodie;andyet,throughdivinegoodness,havefeltverywillingtolive,fortwoorthreedayspast.

"Lord's day, Feb. 20. I was perplexed on account of my carelessness;thought I couldnotbe suitably concernedabout the importantworkofthe day, and so was restless with my easiness. -Was exceeding infirmagain to-day; but the Lord strengthened me, both in the outward andinwardman,sothatIpreachedwithsomelifeandspirituality,especiallyin the afternoon,wherein Iwas enabled to speak closely against selfishreligion,thatlovesChristforhisbenefits,butnotforhimself."

Duringthenext fortnight, itappears that, for themostpart,heenjoyedmuchspiritualpeaceandcomfort.Inhisdiaryforthisspaceoftimeareexpressed such things as these; mourning over indwelling sin andunprofitableness;deadnesstotheworld;longingafterGod,andtolivetohisglory;heart-meltingdesiresafterhiseternalhome;fixedrelianceonGodforhishelp;experienceofmuchdivineassistancebothintheprivateand public exercises of religion; inward strength and courage in theservice of God; very frequent refreshment, consolation, and divinesweetness inmeditation,prayer,preaching,andChristianconversation.Anditappearsbyhisaccount,thatthisspaceoftimewasfilledupwithgreat diligence and earnestness in serving God, in study, prayer,meditation,preaching,andprivatelyinstructingandcounseling.

"Monday,March7.ThismorningwhenIarose,IfoundmyheartgoforthafterGod in longingdesires of conformity to him, and in secret prayer

foundmyselfsweetlyquickenedanddrawnout inpraises toGodforallhehaddonetoandforme,andforallmyinwardtrialsanddistressesoflate.My heart ascribed glory, glory, glory to the blessed God! and bidwelcometoallinwarddistressagain,ifGodsawmeettoexercisemewithit.Timeappearedbutaninchlong,andeternityathand;andIthoughtIcouldwithpatienceandcheerfulnessbearanythingforthecauseofGod;for I saw that a moment would bring me to a world of peace andblessedness. My soul, by the strength of the Lord, rose far above thislowerworld,andallthevainamusementsandfrightfuldisappointmentsofit.Afterwards,hadsomesweetmeditationonGen.v.24.`AndEnochwalkedwithGod,'&c.—Thiswasacomfortabledaytomysoul."

The next day he seems to have continued in a considerable degree ofsweetnessandfervencyinreligion.

"Wednesday, March 9. Endeavoured to commit myself and all myconcerns to God. Rode sixteen miles to Mantauk, [13] and had someinward sweetness on the road; but something of flatness and deadnessafter I came there and had seen the Indians. I withdrew, andendeavouredtopray,butfoundmyselfawfullydesertedandleft,andhadan afflicting sense ofmy vileness andmeanness. However, I went andpreached from Isa. liii. 10. `Yet it pleased the Lord to bruise him,' &c.Hadsomeassistance;and,Itrust,somethingofthedivinepresencewasamongus.Intheevening,Iagainprayedandexhortedamongthem,afterhavinghadaseasonalone,whereinIwassopressedwiththeblacknessofmynature, that I thought itwas not fit forme to speak somuch as toIndians."

ThenextdayhereturnedtoEastHampton;wasexceedinginfirminbodythrough the remaining part of this week; but speaks of assistance andenlargement in study and religious exercises, and of inward sweetnessandbreathingafterGod.

"Lord'sday,March13.AtnoonIthoughtitimpossibleformetopreach,byreasonofbodilyweaknessandinwarddeadness.InthefirstprayerIwas so weak that I could hardly stand; but in the sermon Godstrengthened me, so that I spake near an hour and a half with sweetfreedom,clearness,andsometenderpower,fromGen.v.24.`AndEnoch

walkedwithGod.' Iwas sweetly assisted to insist on a closewalkwithGod,andtoleavethisasmypartingadvicetoGod'speoplehere,thattheyshouldwalkwithGod.MaytheGodofallgracesucceedmypoorlaborsinthisplace!

"Monday,March14.Inthemorningwasverybusyinpreparationformyjourney,andwasalmostcontinuallyengagedinejaculatoryprayer.Aboutten,tookleaveofthedearpeopleofEastHampton;myheartgrievedandmourned,andrejoicedatthesametime;rodenearfiftymilestoapartofBrook-Haven,andlodgedthere,andhadrefreshingconversationwithaChristianfriend."

IntwodaysmorehereachedNewYork;butcomplainsofmuchdesertionanddeadnessontheroad.HestayedonedayinNewYork,andonFridaywenttoMr.Dickinson'satElizabeth-Town.Hiscomplaintsarethesameasonthetwoprecedingdays.

"Saturday, March 19. Was bitterly distressed under a sense of myignorance, darkness, and unworthiness; got alone, and poured out mycomplainttoGodinthebitternessofmysoul.—Intheafternoon,rodetoNewark,andhadsomesweetnessinconversationwithMr.Burr,andinprayingtogether.OblessedbeGodforeverandever,foranyenliveningandquickeningseasons.

"Lord's day, March 20. Preached in the forenoon: God gave me someassistanceandsweetness,andenabledmetospeakwithrealtenderness,love, and impartiality. In the evening, preached again; and, of a truth,Godwaspleasedtoassistapoorworm.BlessedbeGod,Iwasenabledtospeakwithlife,power,anddesireoftheedificationofGod'speople;andwithsomepowertosinners.Intheevening,Ifeltspiritualandwatchful,lestmyheartshouldbyanymeansbedrawnawayfromGod.Oh,whenIshall come to thatblessedworld,where everypowerofmy soulwill beincessantly and eternally wound up in heavenly employments andenjoyments,tothehighestdegree!"

OnMondayhewenttoWoodbridge,wherehespeaksofhisbeingwithanumberofministers;[14]and,thedayfollowing,ofhistravelingpartofthe way towards New York. OnWednesday he came to New York. On

Thursday he rode near fiftymiles, fromNew York toNorth-Castle. OnFridaywent toDanbury. Saturday, toNewMilford. On the sabbath herode five or six miles to the place near Kent in Connecticut, calledScaticoke,wheredwellanumberofIndians,[15]andpreachedtothem.OnMonday,beingdetainedbytherain,hetarriedatKent.OnTuesdayhe rode from Kent to Salisbury. Wednesday he went to Sheffield.Thursday,March 31, hewent toMr. Sergeant's at Stockbridge.Hewasdejected and very disconsolate, through themain of this journey fromNewJersey toStockbridge;andespeciallyon the lastdayhismindwasoverwhelmedwithexceedinggloominessandmelancholy.

FromhisbeginningtoinstructtheindiansatKaunaumeek,tohisordination

"Friday, April 1, 1743. I rode to Kaunaumeek, near twenty miles fromStockbridge,wheretheIndianslivewithwhomIamconcerned,andtherelodgedonalittleheapofstraw.Iwasgreatlyexercisedwithinwardtrialsand distresses all day; and in the evening, my heart was sunk, and IseemedtohavenoGodtogoto.OthatGodwouldhelpme!"

Thenextfivedayshewasforthemostpartinadejected,depressedstateof mind, and sometimes extremely so. He speaks of God's "waves andbillows rolling overhis soul;" andof his being ready sometimes to say,"Surely hismercy is clean gone for ever, and he will be favourable nomore;" and says, the anguish he endured was nameless andinconceivable;butatthesametimespeaksthusconcerninghisdistresses,"WhatGod designs by allmy distresses I knownot; but this I know, Ideserve them all and thousands more." — He gives an account of theIndians kindly receiving him, and being seriously attentive to hisinstructions.

"Thursday, April 7. Appeared to myself exceeding ignorant, weak,helpless,unworthy,andaltogetherunequaltomywork.ItseemedtomeIshouldneverdoanyserviceorhaveanysuccessamongtheIndians.Mysoulwaswearyofmy life; I longed fordeathsbeyondmeasure.WhenIthoughtof anygodly souldeparted,my soulwas ready to envyhimhis

privilege,thinking,`Oh,whenwillmyturncome!mustitbeyearsfirst!'—ButIknow,theseardentdesires,atthisandothertimes,rosepartlyforwant of resignation to God under all miseries; and so were butimpatience.Towardsnight,Ihadtheexerciseoffaithinprayer,andsomeassistanceinwriting.OthatGodwouldkeepmenearhim!

"Friday, April 8. Was exceedingly pressed under a sense of my pride,selfishness,bitterness,andpartyspirit, in timespast,whileIattemptedtopromote thecauseofGod. Itsvilenatureanddreadfulconsequencesappearedinsuchodiouscolourstome,thatmyveryheartwaspained.Isawhowpoorsoulsstumbledover it intoeverlastingdestruction, that Iwas constrained to make that prayer in the bitterness of my soul, `OLord,deliverme fromblood-guiltiness.' I sawmydesert ofhell on thisaccount.MysoulwasfullofinwardanguishandshamebeforeGod,thatIhadspentsomuchtimeinconversationtendingonlytopromoteapartyspirit. Oh, I saw I had not suitably prized mortification, self-denial,resignationunderalladversities,meekness,love,candor,andholinessofheart and life: and thisdaywas almostwholly spent in suchbitter andsoul-afflicting reflections on my past frames and conduct. — Of late Ihave thought much of having the kingdom of Christ advanced in theworld;butnowIhadenoughtodowithinmyself.TheLordbemercifultomeasinner,andwashmysoul!

"Saturday, April 9. Remained much in the same state as yesterday;exceptingthatthesenseofmyvilenesswasnotsoquickandacute.

"Lord's day, April 10. Rose early in themorning, and walked out, andspent a considerable time in the woods, in prayer and meditation.Preached to the Indians, both forenoon and afternoon. They behavedsoberly in general: two or three in particular appeared under somereligious concern; with whom I discoursed privately; and one toldme,`herhearthadcried,eversincesheheardmepreachfirst.'"

Thenextday,hecomplainsofmuchdesertion.

"Tuesday,April12.Wasgreatoppressedwithgriefandshame,reflectingonmypastconduct,mybitternessandpartyzeal.IwasashamedtothinkthatsuchawretchasIhadeverpreached.—Longedtobeexcusedfrom

thatwork.Andwhenmysoulwasnotinanguishandkeendistress,Ifeltsenseless `as a beast before God,' and felt a kind of guilty amusementwith the least trifles; which still maintained a kind of stifled horror ofconscience, so that I could not rest any more than a condemnedmalefactor.

"Wednesday, April 13. My heart was overwhelmed within me: I verilythought I was the meanest, vilest, most helpless, guilty, ignorant,benightedcreatureliving.AndyetIknewwhatGodhaddoneformysoul,at the same time: though sometimes I was assaulted with dampingdoubtsandfears,whetheritwaspossibleforsuchawretchasItobeinastateofgrace.

"Thursday,April14.Remainedmuchinthesamestateasyesterday.

"Friday, April 15. In the forenoon, very disconsolate. In the afternoon,preached tomypeople,andwasa little encouraged in somehopes thatGodmightbestowmercyontheirsouls.-FeltsomewhatresignedtoGodunderalldispensationsofhisprovidence.

"Saturday, April 16. Still in the depths of distress.— In the afternoon,preachedtomypeople;butwasmorediscouragedwiththemthanbefore;feared thatnothingwould everbedone for them to anyhappy effect. Iretired and poured out my soul to God for mercy; but without anysensible relief. Soon after came an Irishman and a Dutchman, with adesign, as they said, to hearmepreach thenext day; butnone can tellhow I felt, to hear their profane talk. Oh, I longed that some dearChristianknewmydistress.Igotintoakindofhovel,andtheregroanedout my complaint to God; and withal felt more sensible gratitude andthankfulnesstoGod,thathehadmademetodifferfromthesemen,asIknewthroughgracehehad.

"Lord's day,April 17. In themorningwas againdistressed as soon as Iwaked,hearingmuchtalkabouttheworldandthethingsofit.Iperceivedthemenwereinsomemeasureafraidofme;andIdiscoursedsomethingabout sanctifying the sabbath, if possible to solemnize theirminds: butwhentheywereatalittledistance,theyagaintalkedfreelyaboutsecularaffairs.Oh, I thoughtwhat a hell itwould be, to livewith suchmen to

eternity! The Lord gaveme some assistance in preaching, all day, andsomeresignation,andasmalldegreeofcomfortinprayeratnight."

J.B.—Hecontinuedinthisdisconsolateframethenextday.

"Tuesday,April19.InthemorningIenjoyedsomesweetreposeandrestinGod; felt some strength and confidence in him; andmy soulwas insomemeasurerefreshedandcomforted.Spentmostofthedayinwriting,and had some exercise of grace, sensible and comfortable. My soulseemedliftedabovethedeepwaters,whereinithasbeensolongalmostdrowned; felt some spiritual longings andbreathings of soul afterGod;andfoundmyselfengagedfortheadvancementofChrist'skingdominmyownsoul.

"Wednesday,April20.Setapart thisday for fastingandprayer, tobowmysoulbeforeGodforthebestowmentofdivinegrace;especiallythatallmy spiritual afflictions and inwarddistressesmightbe sanctified tomysoul.AndendeavouredalsotorememberthegoodnessofGodtometheyear past, this day beingmy birth-day.Having obtained help ofGod, Ihavehitherto lived,andamnowarrivedat theageof twenty-fiveyears.Mysoulwaspainedtothinkofmybarrennessanddeadness;thatIhavelivedsolittletothegloryoftheeternalGod.Ispentthedayinthewoodsalone, and there poured out my complaint to God. O that God wouldenablemetolivetohisgloryforthefuture!

"Thursday,April21.Spenttheforenooninreadingandprayer,andfoundmyself engaged; but stillmuchdepressed in spirit under a sense ofmyvilenessandunfitness for anypublic service. In theafternoon, I visitedmy people, and prayed and conversed with some about their souls'concerns; and afterwards found some ardor of soul in secret prayer. OthatImightgrowupintothelikenessofGod!

"Friday,April22.Spentthedayinstudy,reading,andprayer;andfeltalittlerelievedofmyburden,thathasbeensoheavyoflate.Butstillwasinsome measure oppressed; and had a sense of barrenness. Oh, myleannesstestifiesagainstme!myverysoulabhorsitselfforitsunlikenesstoGod, its inactivityandsluggishness.WhenIhavedoneall,alas,whatanunprofitableservantamI!Mysoulgroans,toseethehoursoftheday

roll away, because I do not fill them in spirituality and heavenlymindedness.AndyetIlongtheyshouldspeedtheirpace,tohastenmetomyeternalhome,whereImayfillupallmymoments,througheternity,forGodandhisglory."

On Saturday and Lord's day, his melancholy again prevailed; hecomplained of his ignorance, stupidity, and senselessness;while yet heseems to have spent the time with the utmost diligence, in study, inprayer, in instructing and counseling the Indians. OnMonday he sunkintothedeepestmelancholy;sothathesupposedheneverspentadayinsuchdistress inhis life;not in fearsofhell, (which,he says,hehadnopressing fear of,) but a distressing sense of his own vileness, &c. OnTuesday,heexpressessomerelief.Wednesdayhekeptasadayoffastingand prayer, but in great distress. The three days next following hismelancholy continued, but in a less degree, and with intervals, ofcomfort.[16]

"Lord'sday,May1.WasatStockbridgeto-day.Intheforenoonhadsomereliefandassistance;thoughnotsomuchasusual.Intheafternoonfeltpoorlyinbodyandsoul;whileIwaspreaching,seemedtoberehearsingidletales,withouttheleastlife,fervor,sense,orcomfort;andespeciallyafterwards,atthesacrament,mysoulwasfilledwithconfusion,andtheutmostanguishthateverIendured,underthefeelingofmyinexpressiblevilenessandmeanness.Itwasamostbitteranddistressingseasontome,byreasonoftheviewIhadofmyownheart,andthesecretabominationsthatlurkthere:Ithoughttheeyesofallinthehousewereuponme,andIdarednotlookmyoneintheface;foritverilyseemedasiftheysawthevilenessofmyheart,andallthesinsIhadeverbeenguiltyof.AndifIhadbeen banished from the presence of allmankind, never to be seen anymore,orsomuchasthoughtof,stillIshouldhavebeendistressedwithshame; and I should have been ashamed to see the most barbarouspeople on earth, because I was viler, and seemingly more brutishlyignorant,thanthey.—`Iammadetopossessthesinsofmyyouth.'"

Theremainingdaysofthisweekwerespent,forthemostpart,ininwarddistress and gloominess. The next sabbath, he had encouragement,assistance,andcomfort;butonMondaysunkagain.

"Tuesday,May10.Wasinthesamestate,astomymind,thatIhavebeeninforsometime;extremelypressedwithasenseofguilt,pollution,andblindness:`Theiniquityofmyheelshavecompassedmeabout;thesinsofmyyouthhavebeensetbeforeme;theyhavegoneovermyhead,asaheavyburden,tooheavyformetobear.'Almostalltheactionsofmylifepastseemtobecoveredoverwithsinandguilt;andthoseofthemthatIperformedinthemostconscientiousmanner,nowfillmewithshameandconfusion, that I cannot hold up my face. Oh! the pride, selfishness,hypocrisy,ignorance,bitterness,party-zeal,andthewantoflove,candor,meekness, and gentleness, that have attendedmy attempts to promotereligion and virtue; and this when I have reason to hope I had realassistance from above, and some sweet intercourse with heaven! But,alas,whatcorruptmixturesattendedmybestduties!"

Thenextsevendayshisgloomanddistresscontinuedforthemostpart,buthehadsometurnsofreliefandspiritualcomfort.Hegivesanaccountof his spending part of this time in hard labor, to build himself a littlecottagetoliveinamongsttheIndians,inwhichhemightbebyhimself;having,itseems,hithertolivedwithapoorScotchman,asheobservesintheletterjustnowreferredto;andafterwards,beforehisownhousewashabitable,livedinawigwamamongtheIndians.

"Wednesday,May18.Mycircumstancesaresuch,thatIhavenocomfort,of any kind, but what I have in God. I live in the most lonesomewilderness;havebutonesinglepersontoconversewith, thatcanspeakEnglish.[17]MostofthetalkIhear,iseitherHighlandScotchorIndian.Ihaveno fellow-Christian towhomImightunbosommyself,or layopenmy spiritual sorrows; with whom I might take sweet counsel inconversationaboutheavenlythings,andjoininsocialprayer.Ilivepoorlywithregardtothecomfortsoflife:mostofmydietconsistsofboiledcorn,hasty-pudding, &c. I lodge on a bundle of straw,my labor is hard andextremelydifficult,andIhavelittleappearanceofsuccesstocomfortme.TheIndianshavenolandtoliveonbutwhattheDutchpeoplelayclaimto;andthesethreatentodrivethemoff.Theyhavenoregardtothesoulsof the poor Indians; and, bywhat I can learn, they hateme, because Icome to preach to them. — But that which makes all my difficultiesgrievoustobeborne,is,thatGodhideshisfacefromme.

"Thursday, May 19. Spent most of this day in close studies; but wassometimes so distressed that I could think of nothing butmy spiritualblindness, ignorance,pride,andmisery.Oh,Ihavereasontomakethatprayer,`Lord,forgivemysinsofyouth,andformertrespasses.'

"Friday,May20.Wasmuchperplexedsomepartoftheday;buttowardsnight, had some comfortable meditations on Isa. xl. 1. `Comfort ye,comfort ye,' &c. and enjoyed some sweetness in prayer. Afterwardsmysoul roseso farabove thedeepwaters, that Idared to rejoice inGod. IsawtherewassufficientmatterofconsolationintheblessedGod."

Thenextninedayshisburdenswereforthemostpartalleviated,butwithvariety; at some times having considerable consolation; and at others,moredepressed.Thenextday,Monday,May30,hesetoutonajourneytoNew Jersey, to consult the commissionerswho employed him abouttheaffairsofhismission. [18]Heperformedhis journey thither in fourdays;andarrivedatMr.Burr's inNewarkonThursday.Ingreatpartofhis journey, he was in the depths of melancholy, under distresses likethose alreadymentioned.OnFridayhe rode toElizabeth-town: andonSaturdaytoNewYork;andfromthenceonhiswayhomewardsasfarasWhitePlains.Therehespentthesabbath,andhadconsiderabledegreesof divine consolation and assistance in public services. OnMonday herode about sixty miles to New-Haven. There he attempted areconciliationwith the authority of the college; and spent this week invisiting his friends in those parts, and in his journey homewards, tillSaturday,inaprettycomfortableframeofmind.OnSaturday,inhiswayfromStockbridge toKaunaumeek,hewas lost in thewoods,and layallnightintheopenair;buthappilyfoundhiswayinthemorning,andcameto his Indians on Lord's day, June 12, and had greater assistance inpreaching among them than ever before, since his first coming amongthem.

From this time forward he was the subject of various frames andexercises of mind: in the general, much after the same manner ashitherto, from his first coming to Kaunaumeek till he got into his ownhouse, (a littlehut,whichhemade chieflywithhisownhands,by longandhardlabor,)whichwasnearsevenweeksfromthistime.Greatpartof this space of time, hewas dejected, and depressedwithmelancholy,

sometimesextremely;hismelancholyoperatinginlikemannerasrelatedin times past. How it was with him in those dark seasons, he himselffurther describes in his diary for July 2, in the followingmanner. "Mysoul is, and has for a long time been, in a piteous condition, wadingthrough a series of sorrows, of various kinds. I have been so crusheddownsometimeswithasenseofmymeannessandinfiniteunworthiness,that I have been ashamed that any, even the meanest of my fellow-creatures,shouldsomuchasspendathoughtaboutme;andhavewishedsometimes, while traveling among the thick brakes, to drop, as one ofthem, into everlasting oblivion. In this case, sometimes, I have almostresolvedneveragaintoseeanyofmyacquaintance;andreallythoughtIcouldnotdo it andholdupmy face; andhave longed for the remotestregion,foraretreatfromallmyfriends,thatImightnotbeseenorheardofanymore.—Sometimestheconsiderationofmyignorancehasbeenameansofmygreatdistressandanxiety.Andespeciallymysoulhasbeeninanguishwithfear,shame,andguilt, thateverIhadpreached,orhadany thought that way. — Sometimes my soul has been in distress onfeelingsomeparticularcorruptionsriseandswell likeamighty torrent,withpresentviolence;having,atthesametime,tenthousandformersinsandfolliespresentedtoview, inall theirblacknessandaggravations.—Andthese,whiledestituteofmostoftheconveniencesoflife,andImaysay,ofallthepleasuresofit;withoutafriendtocommunicateanyofmysorrowsto,andsometimeswithoutanyplaceofretirement,whereImayunburden my soul before God, which has greatly contributed to mydistress.—Oflate,moreespecially,mygreatdifficultyhasbeenasortofcarelessness, a kind of regardless temper ofmind,whence I have beendisposed to indolence and trifling; and this temper of mind hasconstantlybeenattendedwithguiltandshame;sothatsometimesIhavebeeninakindofhorror,tofindmyselfsounliketheblessedGod.Ihavethought I grew worse under all my trials; and nothing has cut andwoundedmysoulmore than this.Oh, if IamoneofGod'schosen,as ItrustthroughinfinitegraceIam,Ifindofatruth,thattherighteousarescarcelysaved."

It is apparent, thatonemainoccasionof thatdistressinggloominessofmind which he was so much exercised with at Kaunaumeek, wasreflection on his past errors and misguided zeal at college, in the

beginningofthelatereligiouscommotions.Andthereforeherepeatedhisendeavoursthisyearforreconciliationwiththegovernorsofthecollege,whomhehadatthattimeoffended.AlthoughhehadbeenatNewHaven,inJune,thisyear,andattemptedareconciliation,asmentionedalready;yet, in the beginning of July, he made another journey thither, andrenewedhisattempt,butstillinvain.

Althoughhewasmuchdejectedgreatpartof thatspaceof timewhichIamnowspeakingof; yethehadmany intermissionsofhismelancholy,andsomeseasonsofcomfort,sweettranquility,andresignationofmind,andfrequentspecialassistanceinpublicservices,asappearinhisdiary.Themannerofhisrelieffromhissorrow,onceinparticular,isworthytobe mentioned in his own words, (diary for July 25.) "Had little or noresolutionforalifeofholiness;wasreadyalmosttorenouncemyhopesoflivingtoGod.Andohhowdarkitlooked,tothinkofbeingunholyforever! This I could not endure. The cry of my soul was, Psal. lxv. 3.`Iniquities prevail againstme.' Butwas in somemeasure relieved by acomfortablemeditationonGod'seternity,thatheneverhadabeginning,&c.Whence Iwas led toadmirehisgreatnessandpower,&c. in suchamanner, that I stood still, andpraised theLord forhisowngloriesandperfections;thoughIwas(andifIshouldforeverbe)anunholycreature,mysoulwascomfortedtoapprehendaneternal, infinite,powerful,holyGod.

"Saturday,July30.Justatnight,movedintomyownhouse,andlodgedthere thatnight; found itmuchbetter spending the timealone, than inthewigwamwhereIwasbefore.

"Lord's day, July 31. Felt more comfortably than some days past. —Blessedbe theLord,whohasnowgivenmeaplaceof retirement.—OthatImightfindGodinit,andthathewoulddwellwithmeforever!

"Monday,Aug.1.Wasstillbusyinfurtherlaborsonmyhouse.—Feltalittleof thesweetnessofreligion,andthought itwasworththewhile tofollowafterGodthrougha thousandsnares,deserts,anddeath itself.OthatImightalwaysfollowafterholiness,thatImaybefullyconformedtoGod!Hadsomedegreeofsweetness,insecretprayer,thoughIhadmuchsorrow.

"Tuesday, Aug. 2.Was still laboring tomakemyselfmore comfortable,withregardtomyhouseandlodging.Laboredunderspiritualanxiety;itseemedtome,Ideservedtobekickedoutoftheworld;yetfoundsomecomfortincommittingmycausetoGod.Itisgoodformetobeafflicted,thatImaydiewhollytothisworld,andallthatisinit.

"Wednesday, Aug. 3. Spent most of the day in writing. Enjoyed somesense of religion. Through divine goodness I am now uninterruptedlyalone;andfindmyretirementcomfortable.Ihaveenjoyedmoresenseofdivine things within a few days last past, than for some time before. Ilongedafterholiness,humility,andmeekness:OthatGodwouldenablemeto`passthetimeofmysojourninghereinhisfear,'andalwayslivetohim!

"Thursday, Aug. 4.Was enabled to praymuch, through thewhole day;andthroughdivinegoodnessfoundsomeintensenessofsoulintheduty,asIusedtodo,andsomeabilitytopersevereinmysupplications.Ihadsome apprehensions of divine things, that were engaging, and whichaffordedmesomecourageandresolution.Itisgood,Ifind,topersevereinattemptstopray,ifIcannotpraywithperseverance,i.e.continuelongin my addresses to the Divine Being. I have generally found, that themore I do in secret prayer, themore I have delighted to do, and haveenjoyed more of a spirit of prayer: and frequently have found thecontrary,whenwithjourneyingorotherwiseIhavebeenmuchdeprivedofretirement.Aseasonable,steadyperformanceofSECRETDUTIESINTHEIR PROPER HOURS, and a CAREFUL IMPROVEMENT OF ALLTIME, filling up everyhourwith someprofitable labor, either of heart,head, or hands, are excellent means of spiritual peace and boldnessbeforeGod.Christ,indeed,isourpeace,andbyhimwehaveboldnessofaccess to God; but a good conscience void of offence, is an excellentpreparationforanapproachintothedivinepresence.Thereisdifferencebetween self-confidence or a self-righteous pleasing of ourselves — aswith our own duties, attainments, spiritual enjoyments -which godlysoulssometimesareguiltyof,andthatholyconfidencearisingfromthetestimonyofagoodconscience,whichgoodHezekiahhad,whenhesays,"Remember,O Lord, I beseech thee, how I havewalked before thee intruth,andwithaperfectheart.'`Then(saystheholypsalmist)shallInot

be ashamed,when I have respect to all thy commandments.' FillingupourtimewithandforGod,isthewaytoriseupandliedowninpeace."

Thenexteightdayshecontinuedforthemostpartinaverycomfortableframe,havinghismindfixedandsweetlyengagedinreligion;andmorethanonceblessesGod, thathehadgivenhima little cottage,wherehemight live alone, and enjoy a happy retirement, free from noise anddisturbance, andcouldat anyhourof theday layasideall studies, andspendtimeinliftinguphissoultoGodforspiritualblessings.

"Saturday,Aug.13.WasenabledinsecretprayertoraisemysoultoGod,with desire and delight. It was indeed a blessed season to my soul: IfoundthecomfortofbeingaChristian;andcountedthesufferingsofthepresent life not worthy to be compared with the glory of divineenjoyments even in this world. All my past sorrows seemed kindly todisappear, and I `remembered nomore the sorrow, for joy.'—O, howkindly,andwithafilialtenderness,thesoulconfidesintheRockofages,atsuchaseason,thatbewill`neverleaveit,norforsakeit,' thathewillcause`all thingstoworktogether for itsgood!'&c.I longedthatothersshouldknowhowgoodaGodtheLordis.Mysoulwasfulloftendernessandlove,eventothemostinveterateofmyenemies.Ilongedtheyshouldshareinthesamemercy;andlovedthatGodshoulddojustashepleasedwithmeandeverythingelse.Ifeltexceedingserious,calm,andpeaceful,and encouraged to press after holiness as long as I live, whateverdifficultiesandtrialsmaybeinmyway.MaytheLordalwayshelpmesotodo!Amen,andAmen.

"Lord'sday,Aug.14.Ihadmuchmorefreedominpublicthaninprivate.God enabledme to speakwith some feeling sense of divine things; butperceivednoconsiderableeffect.

"Monday,Aug.15.Spentmostofthedayinlabor,toprocuresomethingtokeepmyhorseoninthewinter.—Enjoyednotmuchsweetnessinthemorning:wasveryweakinbodythroughtheday,andthoughtthis frailbody would soon drop into the dust: had some very realizingapprehensionsofaspeedyentranceintoanotherworld.Andinthisweakstateofbody,Iwasnotalittledistressedforwantofsuitablefood.Ihadno bread, nor could I get any. I am forced to go or send ten or fifteen

milesforallthebreadIeat;andsometimesitismoldyandsourbeforeIeatit, ifIgetanyconsiderablequantity.AndthenagainIhavenoneforsomedaystogether,forwantofanopportunitytosendforit,ancannotfindmyhorseinthewoodstogomyself;andthiswasmycasenow:butthroughdivinegoodnessIhadsomeIndianmeal,ofwhichImadelittlecakes, and fried them. Yet felt contented with my circumstances, andsweetlyresignedtoGod.InprayerIenjoyedgreatfreedom;andblessedGodasmuchformypresentcircumstances,asifIhadbeenaking;andthought I found a disposition to be contented in any circumstances.BlessedbeGod."

Therestofthisweekhewasexceedingweakinbody,andmuchexercisedwithpain;yetobligedfromdaytodaytolaborhard,toprocurefodderforhishorse.Except somepartof the time,hewas sovery ill, thathewasneitherabletoworknorstudy;butspeaksoflongingsafterholinessandperfectconformitytoGod.HecomplainsofenjoyingbutlittleofGod;yethe says, that little was better to him than all the world besides. In hisdiaryforSaturday,hesays,hewassomewhatmelancholyandsorrowfulinmind; and adds, "I never feel comfortably, but when I findmy soulgoingforthafterGod:ifIcannotbeholy,Imustnecessarilybemiserableforever."

"Lord'sday,Aug.21.Wasmuchstraitenedintheforenoon-exercise;mythoughtsseemedtobeallscatteredtotheendsoftheearth.Atnoon,Ifelldown before the Lord, groaned under my vileness, barrenness, anddeadness; and felt as if I was guilty of soul-murder, in speaking toimmortalsoulsinsuchamannerasIhadthendone.—Intheafternoon,Godwas pleased to giveme some assistance, and Iwas enabled to setbefore my hearers the nature and necessity of true repentance, &c.Afterwards,hadsomesmalldegreeofthankfulness.Wasveryillandfullofpain in theevening;andmysoulmourned that Ihadspentsomuchtimetosolittleprofit.

"Monday,Aug.22.Spentmostofthedayinstudy;andfoundmybodilystrength in a measure restored. Had some intense and passionatebreathings of soul after holiness, and very clear manifestations of myutter inability toprocure,orwork it inmyself; it iswhollyowing to thepowerofGod.O,withwhattendernesstheloveanddesireofholinessfills

the soul! I wanted to wing out of myself to God, or rather to get aconformity to him: but, alas! I cannot add to my stature in grace onecubit. However, my soul can never leave striving for it; or at leastgroaningthatitcannotstriveforit,andobtainmorepurityofheart.—Atnight I spent some time in instructing my poor people. Oh that Godwouldpitytheirsouls!

"Tuesday,Aug.23.Studiedintheforenoon,andenjoyedsomefreedom.In the afternoon, labored abroad: endeavoured to pray; but found notmuchsweetnessorintensenessofmind.Towardsnight,wasveryweary,andtiredofthisworldofsorrow:thethoughtsofdeathandimmortalityappearedverydesirable,andevenrefreshedmysoul.Thoselinesturnedinmymindwithpleasure,

`Come,death,shakehands,I'llkissthybands:`Tishappinessformetodie.What!dostthouthinkthatIwillshrink?I'llgotoimmortality.'

In evening prayerGodwas pleased to draw nearmy soul, though verysinfulandunworthy:wasenabledtowrestlewithGod,andtopersevereinmyrequestsforgrace.Ipouredoutmysoulforalltheworld,friends,andenemies.Mysoulwasconcerned,notsomuchforsoulsassuch,butrather forChrist'skingdom,that itmightappear in theworld, thatGodmightbeknowntobeGodinthewholeearth.And,oh,mysoulabhorredthe very thought of a party in religion! Let the truth of God appear,whereveritis;andGodhavethegloryforever.Amen.Thiswasindeedacomfortableseason. I thoughtIhadsomesmall tasteof,andreal relishfor,theenjoymentsandemploymentsoftheupperworld.Othatmysoulwasmoreattemperedtoit!

"Wednesday, Aug. 24. Spent some time in the morning in study andprayer. Afterwards was engaged in some necessary business abroad.Towardsnight,foundalittletimeforsomeparticularstudies.IthoughtifGodshouldsay,`Ceasemakinganyprovisionforthislife,foryoushallinafewdaysgooutoftimeintoeternity,'mysoulwouldleapforjoy.OthatImaybothI`desiretobedissolved,tobewithChrist,'andlikewise`waitpatientlyallthedaysofmyappointedtimetillmychangecome!'—But,alas!Iamveryunfitforthebusinessandblessednessofheaven.—Oformoreholiness!

"Thursday,Aug.25.Partoftheday,wasengagedinstudies;andpartinlaborabroad.Ifinditisimpossibletoenjoypeaceandtranquilityofmindwithoutacarefulimprovementoftime.ThisisreallyanimitationofGodand Christ Jesus: `My Father worketh hitherto, and I work,' says ourLord.But still, ifwewouldbe likeGodwemust see thatwe fillupourtimeforhim.—Idailylongtodwellinperfectlightandlove.Inthemeantime, my soul mourns that I make so little progress in grace, andpreparationfortheworldofblessedness:IseeandknowthatIamaverybarrentreeinGod'svineyard,andthathemightjustlysay,`Cutitdown,'&c.OthatGodwouldmakememorelivelyandvigorousingrace,forhisownglory!Amen."

The two next days he wasmuch engaged in some necessary labors, inwhich he extremely spent himself. He seems these days to have had agreatsenseofthevanityoftheworld,continuedlongingsafterholiness,andmorefervencyofspiritintheserviceofGod.

"Lord's day, Aug. 28. Was much perplexed with some irreligiousDutchmen.Alltheirdiscourseturneduponthethingsoftheworld;whichwasnosmallexercisetomymind.Oh,whatahellitwouldbetospendaneternity with such men! Well might David say, `I beheld thetransgressors,andwasgrieved.'—ButadoredbeGod,heavenisaplaceintowhichnouncleanthingenters.'—Oh,Ilongfortheholinessofthatworld!Lord,preparemeforit.'"

The next day he set out on a journey to New York. Was somewhatdejectedthetwofirstdaysofhisjourney;butyetseemstohaveenjoyedsomedegreesofthesensiblepresenceofGod.

"Wednesday,Aug.31.RodedowntoBethlehem:wasinasweet,serious,and, I hope, Christian frame, when I came there. Eternal thingsengrossedallmy thoughts;andI longed tobe in theworldofspirits.Ohowhappy is it tohaveallour thoughtsswallowedup in thatworld; tofeel one's self a serious considerate stranger in this world, diligentlyseeking a road through it, the best, the sure road to the heavenlyJerusalem!

"Thursday, Sept. 1. Rode to Danbury. Was more dull and dejected in

spiritthanyesterday.Indeed,IalwaysfeetcomfortablywhenGodrealizesdeath, and the things of thisworld, tomymind:whenevermymind istakenofffromthethingsofthisworld,andsetonGod,mysoulisthenatrest."

He went forward on his journey, and came to New York on the nextMonday.Andaftertarryingtheretwoorthreedays,hesetoutfromthecity towards New-Haven, intending to be there at the commencement;and on Friday came to Horse-Neck. In the mean time, he complainsmuch of dullness, andwant of fervor in religion: but yet, from time totime, speaks of his enjoying spiritual warmth and sweetness inconversationwithChristianfriends,assistanceinpublicservices,&c.

"Saturday, Sept. 10. Rode six miles to Stanwich, and preached to aconsiderable assembly of people. Had some assistance and freedom,especially towards the close. Endeavouredmuch afterwards, in privateconversation, to establish holiness, humility, meekness, &c. as theessenceoftruereligion;andtomoderatesomenoisysortofpersons,thatappearedtometobeactedbyunseenspiritualpride.Alas,whatextremesmen incline to run into! — Returned to Horse-Neck, and felt someseriousnessandsweetsolemnityintheevening.

"Lord'sday,Sept.11.IntheafternoonIpreachedfromTit.iii.8.`Thisisafaithfulsaying,andthesethings,'&c.IthinkGodneverhelpedmemorein painting true religion, and in detecting clearly, and tenderlydiscountenancing, false appearances of religion, wild-fire party zeal,spiritualpride,&c.aswellasaconfidentdogmaticalspirit,anditsspring,viz.ignoranceoftheheart.—Intheeveningtookmuchpainsinprivateconversationtosuppresssomeconfusions,thatIperceivedwereamongstthatpeople.

"Monday,Sept. 12.Rode toMr.Mills'satRipton.Hadsomeperplexinghours;butwassomepartofthedayverycomfortable.Itis`throughgreattrials,'Isee,`thatwemustenterthegatesofparadise.'Ifmysoulcouldbut be holy, that Godmight not be dishonored,methinks I could bearsorrows.

"Tuesday,Sept.13.RodetoNew-Haven.Wassometimesdejected;notin

the sweetest frame. Lodged at... Had some profitable Christianconversation,&c.—Ifind,thoughmyinwardtrialsweregreat,andalifeof solitude gives themgreater advantage to settle, and penetrate to thevery inmost recesses of the soul; yet it is better to be alone, thanencumbered with noise and tumult. I find it very difficult maintainingany senseofdivine thingswhile removing fromplace toplace,divertedwith new objects, and filled with care and business. A settled steadybusinessisbestadaptedtoalifeofstrictreligion.

"Wednesday,Sept.14.ThisdayIoughttohavetakenmydegree;[19]butGod sees fit to deny it me. And though I was greatly afraid of beingoverwhelmedwithperplexityandconfusion,whenIshouldseemyclass-mates take theirs; yet, at thevery time,Godenabledmewith calmnessand resignation to say, `Thewill of theLordbedone.' Indeed, throughdivine goodness, I have scarcely felt my mind so calm, sedate, andcomfortableforsometime.Ihavelongfearedthisseason,andexpectedmyhumility,meekness,patience,andresignationwouldbemuch tried:[20]butfoundmuchmorepleasureanddivinecomfortthanIexpected.—Feltspirituallyserious,tender,andaffectionateinprivateprayerwithadearChristianfriendto-day.

"Thursday, Sept. 15. Had some satisfaction in hearing the ministersdiscourse,&c.Itisalwaysacomforttome,tohearreligiousandspiritualdiscourse.OthatministersandpeopleweremorespiritualanddevotedtoGod!—Towardsnight,withtheadviceofChristianfriends,Iofferedthe following reflections in writing, to the rector and trustees of thecollege—whichareforsubstancethesamethatIhadfreelyofferedtotherectorbefore,andentreatedhimtoaccept-thatifpossibleImightcutoffalloccasionofoffence,fromthosewhoseekoccasion.WhatIoffered,isasfollows:

"WhereasIhavesaidbeforeseveralpersons,concerningMr.Whittelsey,oneof thetutorsofYalecollege, thatIdidnotbelievehehadanymoregracethanthechairIthenleanedupon:Ihumblyconfess,thathereinIhavesinnedagainstGod,andactedcontrarytotherulesofhisword,andhave injuredMr.Whittelsey. I had no right tomake thus freewith hischaracter;andhadnojustreasontosayasIdidconcerninghim.Myfaulthereinwas themoreaggravated, in that I said this concerningone that

wassomuchmysuperior,andonethatIwasobligedtotreatwithspecialrespect and honour, by reason of the relation I stood in to him in thecollege. Such a manner of behaviour, I confess, did not become aChristian; itwas taking toomuchuponme, anddidnot savour of thathumblerespectthatIoughttohaveexpressedtowardsMr.Whittelsey.Ihave longsincebeenconvincedof thefalsenessof thoseapprehensions,bywhichIthenjustifiedsuchaconduct.Ihaveoftenreflectedonthisactwithgrief; Ihope,onaccountof thesinof it:andamwillingto lie low,andbeabasedbeforeGodandmanforit.Andhumblyasktheforgivenessof the governors of the college, and of the whole society; but of Mr.Whittelseyinparticular.AndwhereasIhavebeenaccusedbyonepersonofsayingconcerningthereverendrectorofYalecollege,thatIwonderedhedidnotexpecttodropdowndeadforfiningthescholarsthatfollowedMr.TennenttoMilford;Iseriouslyprofess, thatIdonotremembermysayinganythingtothispurpose.ButifIdid,whichIamnotcertainIdidnot, I utterly condemn it, and detest all such kind of behaviour; anyespeciallyinanundergraduatetowardstherector.AndInowappear,tojudge and condemn myself for going once to the separate meeting inNew-Haven,alittlebeforeIwasexpelled,thoughtherectorhadrefusedto give me leave. For this I humbly ask the rector's forgiveness. Andwhether thegovernorsof thecollege shall ever seecause to remove theacademicalcensureI lieunder,orno,ortoadmitmetotheprivilegesIdesire;yetIamwillingtoappear,iftheythinkfit,openlytoown,andtohumblemyselffor,thosethingsIhavehereinconfessed."

"GodhasmademewillingtodoanythingthatIcando,consistentwithtruth,forthesakeofpeace,andthatImightnotbeastumbling-blocktoothers.ForthisreasonIcancheerfullyforego,andgiveup,whatIverilybelieve,afterthemostmatureandimpartialsearch,ismyright,insomeinstances.Godhasgivenmethatdisposition, that, if thiswerethecase,thatamanhasdonemeahundredinjuries,andI(thougheversomuchprovokedto it)havedonehimone,I feeldisposed,andheartilywilling,humblytoconfessmyfaulttohim,andonmykneestoaskforgivenessofhim;thoughatthesametimeheshouldjustifyhimselfinalltheinjurieshehasdoneme,andshouldonlymakeuseofmyhumbleconfessiontoblacken my character the more, and represent me as the only personguilty,&c.yea,thoughheshouldasitwereinsultme,andsay,`heknew

all thisbefore,andthatIwasmakingworkforrepentance,'&c.Thoughwhat I said concerningMr.Whittelseywasonly spoken inprivate, to afriendortwo;andbeingpartlyoverheard,wasrelatedtotherector,andbyhimextortedfrommyfriends;yet,seeingitwasdivulgedmadepublic,Iwaswillingtoconfessmyfaultthereinpublicly.—ButItrustGodwillpleadmycause."[21]

The next day hewent toDerby; then to Southburywhere he spent thesabbath: and speaks of some spiritual comfort; but complainsmuch ofunfixedness,andwanderingsofmindinreligion.

"Monday, Sept. 19. In the afternoon rode to Bethlehem, and therepreached.Hadsomemeasureofassistance,bothinprayerandpreaching.I felt serious, kind, and tender towards all mankind, and longed thatholinessmightflourishmoreonearth.

"Tuesday,Sept.20.HadthoughtsofgoingforwardonmyjourneytomyIndians;buttowardsnightwastakenwithahardpaininmyteeth,andshivering cold; and could not possibly recover a comfortable degree ofwarmththewholenightfollowing.Icontinuedveryfullofpainallnight;and in the morning had a very hard fever, and pains almost over mywholebody.Ihadasenseofthedivinegoodnessinappointingthistobetheplaceofmysickness,viz.amongmy friends,whowereverykind tome. I shouldprobablyhaveperished, if Ihad firstgothometomyownhouseinthewilderness,whereIhavenonetoconversewithbutthepoor,rude,ignorantIndians.HereIsawwasmercyinthemidstofaffliction.Icontinuedthus,mostlyconfinedtomybed,tillFridaynight;veryfullofpainmostof the time;but throughdivinegoodnessnotafraidofdeath.Thentheextremefollyofthoseappearedtome,whoputofftheirturningto God till a sick-bed. Surely this is not a time proper to prepare foreternity.—OnFridayeveningmypainswentoff somewhat suddenly, Iwas exceedingweak, and almost fainted; but was very comfortable thenightfollowing.Thesewords,Psal.cxviii.17.`Ishallnotdie,butlive,'&c.I frequently revolved in my mind; and thought we were to prize thecontinuationoflifeonlyonthisaccount,thatwemay`showforthGod'sgoodnessandworksofgrace.'"

Fromthistimehegraduallyrecovered;andonthenextTuesdaywasso

wellastobeabletogoforwardonhisjourneyhomewards;butitwasnottilltheTuesdayfollowingthathereachedKaunaumeek.Andseems,greatpartof this time, tohavehadaverydeepand lively senseof thevanityandemptinessofallthingsherebelow,andofthereality,nearness,andvastimportanceofeternalthings.

"Tuesday,Oct.4.Thisdayrodehometomyownhouseandpeople.Thepoor Indiansappearedverygladofmyreturn.Foundmyhouseandallthingsinsafety.Ipresentlyfellonmyknees,andblessedGodformysafereturn, after a long and tedious journey, and a season of sickness inseveralplaceswhereIhadbeen,andafterIhadbeenillmyself.Godhasrenewedhiskindnesstome,inpreservingmeonejourneymore.Ihavetakenmanyconsiderablejourneyssincethistimelastyear,andyetGodhas never suffered one of my bones to be broken, or any distressingcalamity to befallme, excepting the ill turn I had inmy last journey. Ihavebeenoftenexposedtocoldandhungerinthewilderness,wherethecomforts of life were not to be had; have frequently been lost in thewoods;andsometimesobligedtoridemuchofthenight;andoncelayoutinthewoodsallnight;yet,blessedbeGod,hehaspreservedme!"

In his diary for the next eleven days, are great complaints of distancefromGod, spiritual pride, corruption, and exceeding vileness. He oncesays,hisheartwassopressedwithasenseofhispollution,thathecouldscarcely have the face and impudence (as it then appeared to him) todesire thatGodshouldnotdamnhimforever.Andatanother time,hesays,hehadsolittlesenseofGod,orapprehensionandrelishofhisgloryand excellency, that it made him more disposed to kindness andtendernesstowardsthosewhoareblindandignorantofGodandthingsdivineandheavenly.

"Lord'sday,Oct.16.Intheevening,Godwaspleasedtogivemeafeelingsense of my own unworthiness; but through divine goodness such astendedtodrawmeto,ratherthandrivemefrom,God;it filledmewithsolemnity. I retired alone, (having at this time a friend with me,) andpoured outmy soul toGodwithmuch freedom; and yet in anguish, tofindmyselfsounspeakablysinfulandunworthybeforeaholyGod.Wasnowmuch resignedunderGod's dispensations towardsme, thoughmytrials had been very great. But thoughtwhether I could be resigned, if

GodshouldlettheFrenchIndianscomeuponme,anddeprivemeoflife,or carryme away captive, (though I knew of no special reason then toproposethistrialtomyself,morethananyother,)andmysoulseemedsofartorestandacquiesceinGod,thatthestingandterrorofthesethingsseemed in a greatmeasure gone.Presently after I came to the Indians,whom I was teaching to sing psalm-tunes that evening, I received thefollowingletterfromStockbridge,byamessengersentonthesabbathonpurpose,whichmadeitappearofgreaterimportance.

`Sir,Justnowwereceivedadvices fromCol.Stoddard, that there is theutmostdangerofarupturewithFrance.Hehasreceivedthesamefromhisexcellencyourgovernor,orderinghimtogivenoticetoalltheexposedplaces, that they may secure themselves the best they can against anysudden invasion.Wethoughtbest tosenddirectly toKaunaumeek, thatyoumaytaketheprudentestmeasuresforyoursafetythatdwellthere.Iam,Sir,&c.'

"Ithought,uponreadingthecontents, itcameinagoodseason;formyheartseemedfixedonGod,andthereforeIwasnotmuchsurprised.Thisnewsonlymadememoreserious,andtaughtmethatImustnotpleasemyself with any of the comforts of life which I had been preparing.BlessedbeGod,whogavemeanyintensenessandfervencythisevening!

"Monday, Oct. 17. Had some rising hopes, that `God would arise andhavemercyonZionspeedily.'Myheartisindeedrefreshed,whenIhaveanyprevailinghopesofZion'sprosperity.O that Imaysee thegloriousday,whenZion shall become the joy of thewhole earth! Truly there isnothingthatIgreatlyvalueinthislowerworld."

OnTuesdayhe rode toStockbridge; complainsofbeingmuchdiverted,andhavingbutlittlelife.OnWednesdayheexpressessomesolemnsenseof divine things, and longing to be always doing for God with a godlyframeofspirit.

"Thursday,Oct. 20.Hadbut little sense of divine things this day.Alas,thatsomuchofmyprecioustimeisspentwithsolittleofGod!Thosearetediousdays,whereinIhavenospirituality.

"Friday,Oct.21.ReturnedhometoKaunaumeek:wasgladtogetaloneinmy little cottage, and to cry to that God who seeth in secret, and ispresentinawilderness.

"Saturday, Oct. 22. Had but little sensible communion with God. Thisworldisadark,cloudymansion.Oh,whenwilltheSunofrighteousnessshineonmysoulwithoutintermission!

"Lord'sday,Oct.23.InthemorningIhadalittledawnofcomfortarisingfromhopesofseeinggloriousdaysinthechurchofGod:wasenabledtoprayforsuchagloriousdaywithsomecourageandstrengthofhope.Intheforenoontreatedonthegloriesofheaven,&c.—Intheafternoon,onthemiseries of hell, and the danger of going there.Had some freedomandwarmth,bothpartsoftheday.Andmypeoplewereveryattentive.Inthe evening two or three came tome under concern for their souls; towhomIwasenabledtodiscourseclosely,andwithsomeearnestnessanddesire.OthatGodwouldbemercifultotheirpoorsouls!"

Heseems,throughthewholeofthisweek,tohavebeengreatlyengagedtofillupeveryinchoftimeintheserviceofGod,andtohavebeenmostdiligently employed in study, prayer, and instructing the Indians; andfrom time to time expresses longings of soul after God, and theadvancementofhiskingdom,andspiritualcomfortandrefreshment.

"Lord'sday,Oct.30.InthemorningIenjoyedsomefixednessofsoulinprayer, which was indeed sweet and desirable; was enabled to leavemyselfwithGod,andtoacquiesceinhim.Atnoonmysoulwasrefreshedwith readingRev. iii.more especially the 11th and 12th verses.Oh,mysoul longed for thatblessedday,when I should`dwell in the templeofGod,'and`gonomoreout'ofhisimmediatepresence!

"Monday, Oct. 31. Rode to Kinderhook, about fifteen miles from myplace.WhileridingIfeltsomedivinesweetnessinthethoughtsofbeing`a pillar in the temple of God' in the upperworld, and being nomoredeprived of his blessed presence, and the sense of his favour, which isbetterthanlife.MysoulwassolifteduptoGod,thatIcouldpouroutmydesirestohim,formoregraceandfurtherdegreesofsanctification,withabundantfreedom.Oh,Ilongedtobemoreabundantlypreparedforthat

blessedness, with which I was then in some measure refreshed! -Returnedhomeintheevening;buttookanextremelybadcoldbyridinginthenight.

"Tuesday,Nov.1.Wasverymuchdisorderedinbody,andsometimesfullofpain inmy face and teeth;wasnot able to studymuch, andhadnotmuchspiritualcomfort.Alas!whenGodiswithdrawn,allisgone.—Hadsomesweet thoughts,which I couldnotbutwritedown,on thedesign,nature,andendofChristianity.

"Wednesday, Nov. 2. Was still more indisposed in body, and in muchpainmostoftheday.Ihadnotmuchcomfort;wasscarcelyabletostudyatall;andstillentirelyaloneinthewilderness.ButblessedbetheLord,Iamnotexposedintheopenair;Ihaveahouse,andmanyofthecomfortsof life to supportme. I have learned in ameasure, that all good thingsrelatingbothtotimeandeternitycomefromGod.—IntheeveningIhadsomedegreeofquickeninginprayer:IthinkGodgavemesomesenseofhispresence.

"Thursday, Nov. 3. Spent this day in secret fasting and prayer, frommorning till night. Early in the morning I had some small degree ofassistance in prayer. Afterwards read the story of Elijah the prophet, 1Kings,xvii.xviii.andxix.chapters,andalso2Kings,ii.andiv.chapters.My soulwasmuchmoved, observing the faith, zeal, and power of thatholyman;howhewrestledwithGod inprayer,&c.My soul then criedwith Elisha, `Where is the Lord God of Elijah!' Oh, I longed formorefaith!MysoulbreathedafterGod,andpleadedwithhim,thata`doubleportionofthatspirit,'whichwasgiventoElijah,might`restonme.'Andthatwhichwasdivinely refreshing and strengthening tomy soulwas, IsawthatGodisthesamethathewasinthedaysofElijah.—WasenabledtowrestlewithGod by prayer, in amore affectionate, fervent, humble,intense, and importunate manner, than I have for many months past.NothingseemedtoohardforGodtoperform;nothingtoogreatformetohope for fromhim.— I had formanymonths entirely lost all hopes ofbeing made instrumental of doing any special service for God in theworld; it has appeared entirely impossible, that one so black and vileshould be thus employed forGod.But at this timeGodwas pleased torevivethishope.—Afterwardsreadthe3rdchapterofExodusandonto

the 20th, and sawmore of the glory andmajesty ofGod discovered inthosechapters,thaneverIhadseenbefore;frequentlyinthemeantimefallingonmyknees,andcryingtoGodforthefaithofMoses,andforamanifestationofthedivineglory.Especiallythe3rdand4th,andpartofthe14thand15thchapters,wereunspeakablysweettomysoul:mysoulblessedGod,thathehadshownhimselfsogracioustohisservantsofold.The15thchapterseemedtobetheverylanguagewhichmysoulutteredtoGod in the season ofmy first spiritual comfort,when I had just gotthrough theRed sea, by away that I hadno expectationof.OhowmysoulthenrejoicedinGod!Andnowthosethingscamefreshandlivelytomy mind; now my soul blessed God afresh, that he had opened thatunthought-ofway to deliverme from the fear of theEgyptians,when Ialmost despaired of life. — Afterwards read the story of Abraham'spilgrimage in the landofCanaan:mysoulwasmelted, inobservinghisfaith,howhe leanedonGod;howhecommunedwithGod,andwhatastrangerhewashere intheworld.After that,readthestoryofJoseph'ssufferings,andGod'sgoodnesstohim:blessedGodfortheseexamplesoffaithandpatience.Mysoulwasardentinprayer,wasenabledtowrestleardentlyformyself,forChristianfriends,andforthechurchofGod.AndfeltmoredesiretoseethepowerofGodintheconversionofsouls,thanIhavedoneforalongseason.BlessedbeGodforthisseasonoffastingandprayer!May his goodness always abide withme, and drawmy soul tohim!

"Thursday, Nov. 4. Rode to Kinderhook: went quite to Hudson's river,about twenty miles from my house; performed some business, andreturnedhome in the evening tomyownhouse. Ihad rather ridehardand fatigue myself, to get home, than to spend the evening and nightamongstthosewhohavenoregardforGod."

Thetwonextdayshewasveryill,andfullofpain,probablythroughhisriding in the night after a fatiguing day's journey onThursday; but yetseemstohavebeendiligentinbusiness.

"Monday, Nov. 7. This morning the Lord afforded me some specialassistanceinprayer;mymindwassolemn,fixed,affectionate,andardentin desires after holiness; felt full of tenderness and love; and myaffectionsseemedtobedissolvedintokindness.IntheeveningIenjoyed

the same comfortable assistance in prayer as in themorning: my soullongedafterGod,andcriedtohimwitha filial freedom,reverence,andboldness.OthatImightbeentirelyconsecratedanddevotedtoGod."

The two next days he complains of bodily illness and pain; but muchmoreofspiritualbarrennessandunprofitableness.

"Thursday, Nov. 10. Spent this day in fasting and prayer alone. In themorningwasverydullandlifeless,melancholyanddiscouraged.Butaftersometime,whilereading2Kingsxix.mysoulwasmovedandaffected;especiallyreadingverse14,andonward.Isawtherewasnootherwayforthe afflicted children of God to take, but to go to God with all theirsorrows.Hezekiah, inhisgreatdistress,wentandspreadhis complaintbeforetheLord.IwasthenenabledtoseethemightypowerofGod,andmyextremeneedofthatpower;wasenabledtocrytohimaffectionatelyand ardently for his power and grace to be exercised towards me. —Afterwards read the story ofDavid's trials, and observed the course hetook under them, how he strengthened his hands in God; wherebymysoulwascarriedoutafterGod,enabledtocrytohim,andrelyuponhim,and felt strong in the Lord. Was afterwards refreshed, observing theblessedtemperthatwaswroughtinDavidbyhistrials:allbitternessanddesireofrevengeseemedwhollytakenaway;sothathemournedforthedeath of his enemies; 2 Sam. i. 17. and iv. 9, ad fin.—Was enabled toblessGod,thathehadgivenmesomethingofthisdivinetemper,thatmysoulfreelyforgivesandheartilylovesmyenemies."

It appearsbyhisdiary for the remainingpart of thisweek, and for thetwofollowingweek,thatgreatpartofthetimehewasveryill,andfullofpain;andyetobliged,throughhiscircumstances,inthisillstateofbody,to be at great fatigues, in labor, and traveling day and night, and toexpose himself in stormy and severe seasons. He from time to time,within this space, speaks of outgoings of soul after God; his heartstrengthenedinGod;seasonsofdivinesweetnessandcomfort;hisheartaffected with gratitude for mercies, &c. And yet there are manycomplaints of lifelessness, weakness of grace, distance from God, andgreatunprofitableness.Butstillthereappearaconstantcarefromdaytoday,nottolosetime,buttoimproveitallforGod.

"Lord'sday,Nov.27.IntheeveningIwasgreatlyaffectedinreadinganaccountof thevery joyfuldeathofapiousgentleman;whichseemedtoinvigoratemysoulinGod'sways.Ifeltcourageouslyengagedtopursuealifeofholinessandself-denialaslongasIlive;andpouredoutmysoultoGod for his help and assistance in order thereto. Eternity then seemednear, andmy soul rejoiced, and longed tomeet it. I trust thatwill beablesseddaythatfinishesmytoilhere.

"Monday, Nov. 28. In the evening I was obliged to spend time incompanyandconversationthatwasunprofitable.—Nothingliesheavieruponme,thanthemisimprovementoftime.

"Tuesday,Nov.29.BegantostudytheIndiantonguewithMr.SergeantatStockbridge.

[22]—Wasperplexedforwantofmoreretirement.—Ilovetolivealoneinmyownlittlecottage,whereIcanspendmuchtimeinprayer,&c.

"Wednesday,Nov. 30. Pursuedmy study of Indian: butwas veryweakanddisordered inbody, andwas troubled inmindat thebarrennessofthe day, that I had done so little for God. I had some enlargement inprayeratnight.Oh,abarn,orstable,hedge,oranyotherplace, istrulydesirable, if God is there! Sometimes, of late, my hopes of Zion'sprosperityaremoreraisedthantheywereinthesummer.MysoulseemstoconfideinGod,thathewillyet`showforthhissalvation'tohispeople,andmakeZion`thejoyofthewholeearth.Ohowexcellentistheloving-kindness of the Lord!'My soul sometimes inwardly exults at the livelythoughtsofwhatGodhasalreadydone forhis church,andwhat "mineeyeshaveseenof thesalvationofGod."It issweet, tohearnothingbutspiritualdiscoursefromGod'schildren;andsinners`inquiringthewaytoZion,' saying, `What shall we do?' &c. O that I may see more of thisblessedwork!

"Thursday,Dec.1.BothmorningandeveningIenjoyedsomeintensenessofsoulinprayer,andlongedfortheenlargementofChrist'skingdomintheworld.Mysoulseems,oflate,towaitonGodforhisblessingonZion.Othatreligionmightpowerfullyrevive!

"Friday,Dec.2.Enjoyednotsomuchhealthofbody,orfervorofmind,asyesterday.Ifthechariot-wheelsmovewitheaseandspeedatanytime,fora short space,yetbyandby theydriveheavilyagain.`O that Ihad thewingsofadove,thatImightflyaway'fromsinandcorruption,andbeatrestinGod!

"Saturday,Dec. 3.Rode home tomy house and people. Sufferedmuchwiththeextremecold.—ItrustIshallerelongarrivesafeatmyjourney'send,wheremytoilsshallcease.

"Lord'sday,Dec.4.Hadbutlittlesenseofdivineandheavenlythings.Mysoulmournsovermybarrenness.Ohhowsadisspiritualdeadness!

"Monday, Dec. 5. Rode to Stockbridge. Was almost outdone with theextreme cold. Had some refreshing meditations by the way; but wasbarren,wandering,andlifeless,muchoftheday.Thusmydaysrollaway,withbutlittledoneforGod;andthisismyburden.

"Tuesday,Dec.6.WasperplexedtoseethevanityandlevityofprofessedChristians. Spent the evening with a Christian friend, who was able insome measure to sympathize with me in my spiritual conflicts. Was alittlerefreshedtofindonewithwhomIcouldconverseof inwardtrials,&c.

"Wednesday,Dec.7.Spenttheeveninginperplexity,withakindofguiltyindolence.When I have no heart or resolution forGod, and the dutiesincumbent on me, I feel guilty of negligence and misimprovement oftime. Certainly I ought to be engaged inmywork and business, to theutmostextentofmystrengthandability.

"Thursday, Dec. 8. My mind was much distracted with differentaffections.IseemedtobeatanamazingdistancefromGod;andlookingroundintheworld,toseeiftherewasnotsomehappinesstobederivedfromit.God,andcertainobjectsintheworld,seemedeachtoinvitemyheartandaffections;andmysoulseemedtobedistractedbetweenthem.Ihavenotbeensomuchbesetwith theworld fora long time;and thatwithrelationtosomeparticularobjectswhichIthoughtmyselfmostdeadto.ButevenwhileIwasdesiringtopleasemyselfwithanythingbelow,

guilt,sorrow,andperplexityattendedthefirstmotionsofdesire.IndeedIcannot see theappearanceofpleasureandhappiness in theworld, as Iusedtodo:andblessedbeGodforanyhabitualdeadnesstotheworld.—I foundnopeace,ordeliverance from thisdistractionandperplexityofmind,tillIfoundaccesstothethroneofgrace:andassoonasIhadanysenseofGod,and thingsdivine, theallurementsof theworldvanished,andmy heart was determined for God. Butmy soulmourned overmyfolly,thatIshoulddesireanypleasure,butonlyinGod.Godforgivemyspiritualidolatry!"

The next thirteen days he appears to have been continually in deepconcern about the improvement of precious time; and there are manyexpressionsofgrief,thatheimprovedtimenobetter;suchas,"Oh,whatmiserydoIfeel,when"mythoughtsroveaftervanity!IshouldbehappyifalwaysengagedforGod!OwretchedmanthatIam!"&c.Speaksofhisbeing pained with a sense of his barrenness, perplexed with hiswanderings,longingfordeliverancefromthebeingofsin,mourningthattime passed away, and so little was done for God, &c. — On Tuesday,December 20, he speaks of his being visited at Kaunaumeek by someunderspiritualconcern.

"Thursday, Dec. 22. Spent this day alone in fasting and prayer, andreadinginGod'swordtheexercisesanddeliverancesofhischildren.Had,I trust, some exercise of faith, and realizing apprehension of divinepower,grace,andholiness;andalsooftheunchangeableofGod,thatheisthesameaswhenhedeliveredhissaintsofoldoutofgreattribulation.My soul was sundry times in prayer enlarged for God's church andpeople.OthatZionmightbecomethe`joyofthewholeearth!'ItisbettertowaituponGodwithpatience, than toput confidence inany thing inthislowerworld.`Mysoul,waitthouontheLord;'for`fromhimcomesthysalvation.'

"Friday, Dec. 23. Felt a little more courage and resolution in religion,thanatsomeothertimes.

"Saturday, Dec. 24. Had some assistance and longing desires aftersanctificationinprayerthisday;especiallyintheevening:wassensibleofmyownweaknessandspiritualimpotency;sawplainlyIshouldfallinto

sin,ifGodofhisabundantmercydidnot`upholdinsoul,andwithholdmefromevil.'OthatGodwould`upholdmebyhisfreeSpirit,andsavemefromthehouroftemptation.'

"Lord'sday,Dec.25.Prayedmuch,inthemorning,withafeelingsenseofmyownspiritualweaknessandinsufficiencyforanyduty.Godgavemesome assistance in preaching to the Indians; and especially in theafternoon, when I was enabled to speak will uncommon plainness,freedom,andearnestness.BlessedbeGod foranyassistancegranted toonesounworthy.Afterwardsfeltsomethankfulness;butstillsensibleofbarrenness.—Spentsometime in theeveningwithoneor twopersonsunderspiritualconcern,andexhortingotherstotheirduty,&c.

"Monday,Dec. 26.Rodedown toStockbridge.Was verymuch fatiguedwith my journey, wherein I underwent great hardships: was muchexposedandverywetby falling intoa river.Spent thedayandeveningwithoutmuchsenseofdivineandheavenlythings;butfeltguilty,grieved,andperplexedwithwanderingcarelessthoughts.

"Tuesday,Dec.27.Hadasmalldegreeofwarmthinsecretprayer,intheevening;but,alas!hadbutlittlespirituallife,andconsequentlybutlittlecomfort.Oh,thepressureofabodyofdeath![23]

"Wednesday, Dec. 28. Rode about six miles to the ordination of Mr.Hopkins.At the solemnity Iwas somewhat affectedwitha senseof thegreatnessandimportanceoftheworkofaministerofChrist.Afterwardswasgrievedtoseethevanityofthemultitude.Intheeveningspentalittletimewith someChristian friends,with somedegree of satisfaction; butmostofthetimeIhadratherhavebeenalone.

"Thursday,Dec.29.Spentthedaymainlyinconversingwithfriends;yetenjoyed little satisfaction, because I could find but few disposed toconverseofdivineandheavenlythings.Alas,whatarethethingsofthisworld, to afford satisfaction to the soul! — Near night returned toStockbridge; in secret, I blessedGod for retirement, and that I amnotalwaysexposed to thecompanyandconversationof theworld.O that Icouldlive`inthesecretofGod'spresence!'

"Friday, Dec. 30. Was in a solemn devout frame in the evening.Wondered that earth, with all its charms, should ever allureme in theleastdegree.OthatIcouldalwaysrealizethebeingandholinessofGod!

"Saturday,Dec.31.RodefromStockbridgehometomyhouse:theairwasclearandcalm,butascoldaseverIfeltit,ornear.Iwasingreatdangerofperishingby theextremityof theseason.—Wasenabled tomeditatemuchontheroad.

"Lord's day, Jan. 1, 1744. In the morning had some small degree ofassistance inprayer. Sawmyself so vile andunworthy, that I couldnotlookmy people in the face, when I came to preach. Ohmymeanness,folly, ignorance, and inward pollution! — In the evening had a littleassistance in prayer, so that the duty was delightful, rather thanburdensome.ReflectedonthegoodnessofGodtomeinthepastyear,&c.OfatruthGodhasbeenkindandgracioustome,thoughhehascausedmetopassthroughmanysorrows;hehasprovidedformebountifully,sothat I have been enabled, in about fifteen months past, to bestow tocharitableusesaboutahundredpoundsNewEnglandmoney,thatIcannowremember.[24]BlessedbetheLord,thathassofarusedmeashissteward, to distribute a portion of his goods.May I always remember,thatallIhavecomesfromGod.BlessedbetheLord,thathascarriedmethroughall the toils, fatigues,andhardshipsof theyearpast,aswellasthe spiritual sorrows and conflicts thathave attended it.O that I couldbeginthisyearwithGod,andspendthewholeofittohisglory,eitherinlifeordeath!

"Monday, Jan. 2. Had some affecting sense ofmy own impotency andspiritualweakness.—It isnothingbut thepowerofGod thatkeepsmefromallmannerofwickedness. I see Iamnothing,andcandonothingwithouthelpfromabove.Oh,fordivinegrace!Intheevening,hadsomeardorofsoulinprayer,andlongingdesirestohaveGodformyguideandsafeguardatalltimes.[25]

"Tuesday,Jan.3.Wasemployedmuchof theday inwriting; and spentsometime inothernecessaryemployment.Butmytimepassesawaysoswiftly,thatIamastonishedwhenIreflectonit,andseehowlittleIdo.Mystateofsolitudedoesnotmakethehourshangheavyuponmyhands.

OwhatreasonofthankfulnesshaveIonaccountofthisretirement!Ifindthat I do not, and it seems I cannot, lead a Christian life when I amabroad,andcannotspendtimeindevotion,Christianconversation,andseriousmeditation,asIshoulddo.ThoseweeksthatIamobligednowtobe fromhome, inorder to learn the Indian tongue,aremostly spent inperplexity and barrenness, withoutmuch sweet relish of divine things;and I feel myself a stranger at the throne of grace, for want of morefrequentandcontinuedretirement.WhenIreturnhome,andgivemyselftomeditation,prayer,andfasting,anewsceneopenstomymind,andmysoul longsformortification,self-denial,humility,anddivorcementfromall the thingsof theworld.This eveningmyheartwas somewhatwarmandferventinprayerandmeditation,sothatIwaslothetoindulgesleep.Continuedinthosedutiestillaboutmidnight.

"Wednesday, Jan. 4.Was in a resigned andmortified temper ofmind,much of the day. Time appeared a moment, life a vapour, and all itsenjoymentsasemptybubbles,andfleetingblastsofwind.

"Thursday, Jan. 5. Had an humbling and pressing sense of myunworthiness.My sense of the badness ofmy ownheart filledmy soulwithbitternessandanguish;whichwasreadytosink,asundertheweightofaheavyburden.ThusI spent theevening, till late.—Wassomewhatintenseandardentinprayer.

"Friday,Jan.6.Feelingandconsideringmyextremeweakness,andwantof grace, the pollution ofmy soul, and danger of temptations on everyside, I set apart this day for fasting and prayer, neither eating nordrinkingfromeveningtoevening,beseechingGodtohavemercyonme.Mysoulintenselylonged,thatthedreadfulspotsandstainsofsinmightbewashedawayfromit.

Sawsomethingofthepowerandall-sufficiencyofGod.Mysoulseemedto rest on his power and grace; longed for resignation to his will, andmortification to all things here below. My mind was greatly fixed ondivine things: my resolutions for a life of mortification, continualwatchfulness, self-denial, seriousness, and devotion, were strong andfixed;mydesiresardentandintense;myconsciencetender,andafraidofeveryappearanceof evil.My soul grievedwith reflectiononpast levity,

and want of resolution for God. I solemnly renewed my dedication ofmyselftoGod,andlongedforgracetoenablemealwaystokeepcovenantwith him. Time appeared very short, eternity near; and a great name,eitherinorafterlife,togetherwithallearthlypleasuresandprofits,butanemptybubble,adeludingdream.

"Saturday,Jan.7.Spentthisdayinseriousness,withstedfastresolutionsforGod and a life ofmortification. Studied closely, till I feltmy bodilystrength fail. Felt some degree of resignation to God, with anacquiescenceinhisdispensations.WasgrievedthatIcoulddosolittleforGodbeforemybodilystrengthfailed.—Intheevening,thoughtired,wasenabled to continue instant in prayer for some time. Spent the time inreading, meditation, and prayer, till the evening was far spent: wasgrieved to think that I couldnotwatchuntoprayer thewholenight.—ButblessedbeGod,heavenisaplaceofcontinualandincessantdevotion,thoughtheearthisdull."

The six days followinghe continued in the samehappy frameofmind;enjoyed the same composure, calmness, resignation, ardent desire, andsweet fervency of spirit, in a high degree, every day, not one excepted.Thursday,thisweek,hekeptasadayofsecretfastingandprayer.

"Saturday, Jan. 14. This morning enjoyed a most solemn season inprayer:mysoulseemedenlarged,andassistedtopourout itself toGodforgrace,andforeveryblessingIwanted,formyself,mydearChristianfriends,andforthechurchofGod;andwassoenabledtoseehimwhoisinvisible,thatmysoulresteduponhimfortheperformanceofeverythingI asked agreeable to his will. It was then my happiness, to `continueinstant inprayer,'andwasenabledtocontinue in it fornearlyanhour.My soulwas then `strong in the Lord, and in the power of hismight.'Longed exceedingly for angelic holiness and purity, and to have allmythoughts, at all times, employed in divine and heavenly things. O howblessed isaheavenly temper!Ohowunspeakablyblessed it is, to feelameasureof that rectitude, inwhichwewereat first created!—Felt thesame divine assistance in prayer sundry times in the day. My soulconfidedinGodformyself,andforhisZion;trustedindivinepowerandgrace,thathewoulddogloriousthingsinhischurchonearth,forhisownglory."

Thenextdayhespeaksofsomeglimpseshehadofthedivineglories,andof his being enabled tomaintain his resolutions in somemeasure; butcomplains,thathecouldnotdrawneartoGod.Heseemstobefilledwithtremblingfearslestheshouldreturntoalifeofvanity,topleasehimselfwithsomeoftheenjoymentsofthislowerworld;andspeaksofhisbeingmuchtroubled,andfeelingguilty,thatheshouldaddressimmortalsoulswithnomoreardencyanddesireoftheirsalvation.—OnMondayherodedowntoStockbridge,whenhewasdistressedwiththeextremecold;butnotwithstanding, his mind was in a devout and solemn frame in hisjourney.Thefournextdayshewasveryill,probablyfromthecoldinhisjourney;yethespentthetimeinasolemnmanner.OnFridayeveninghevisitedMr.Hopkins; and on Saturday rode eighteenmiles to Solsbury,where he kept the sabbath, and enjoyed considerable degrees of God'sgracious presence, assistance in duty, and divine comfort andrefreshment,longingtogivehimselfwhollytoGod,tobehisforever.

"Monday,Jan.23.IthinkIneverfeltmoreresignedtoGod,norsomuchdead to the world, in every respect, as now; was dead to all desire ofreputation and greatness, either in life, or after death; all I longed for,wastobeholy,humble,crucifiedtotheworld,&c.

"Tuesday,Jan.24.Nearnoon,rodeovertoCanaan.IntheeveningIwasunexpectedly visited by a considerable number of people,withwhom Iwasenabledtoconverseprofitablyofdivinethings:tookpainstodescribethe difference between a regular and irregular SELF-LOVE; the oneconsisting with a supreme love to God, but the other not; the formeruniting God's glory and the soul's happiness, that they become onecommoninterest,butthelatterdisjoiningandseparatingGod'sgloryandman's happiness, seeking the latter with a neglect of the former.Illustrated this by that genuine love that is foundedbetween the sexes;whichisdiversefromthatwhichiswroughtuptowardsapersononlybyrationalargument,orhopeofself-interest.Loveisapleasingpassion,itaffordspleasuretothemindwhereitis;butyet,genuineloveisnot,norcanbeplaced,uponanyobjectwiththatdesignofpleasureitself."

OnWednesdayherodetoSheffield;thenextday,toStockbridge;andonSaturday,hometoKaunaumeek,thoughtheseasonwascoldandstormy:

whichjourneywasfollowedwithillnessandpain.Itappearsbythisdiary,that he spent the time, while riding, in profitable meditations, and inlifting up his heart to God; and he speaks of assistance, comfort, andrefreshment;butstillcomplainsofbarrenness,&c.Hisdiaryforthefivenextdays is full of themostheavy,bitter complaints; andhe expresseshimselfasfullofshameandself-loathingforhislifelesstemperofmindandsluggishnessofspirit,andasbeinginperplexityandextremity,andappearingtohimselfunspeakablyvileandguiltybeforeGod,onaccountofsomeinwardworkingsofcorruptionhefoundinhisheart,&c.

"Thursday, Feb. 2. Spent this day in fasting and prayer, seeking thepresenceandassistanceofGod,thathewouldenablemetoovercomeallmycorruptionsandspiritualenemies.

"Friday, Feb. 3. Enjoyed more freedom and comfort than of late; wasengagedinmeditationuponthedifferentwhispersofthevariouspowersand affections of a pious mind, exercised with a great variety ofdispensations: and could but write, as well as meditate, on soentertainingasubject.[26]IhopetheLordgavemesometruesenseofdivinethingsthisday:butalas,howgreatandpressingaretheremainsofindwellingcorruption!Iamnowmoresensiblethanever,thatGodaloneis`theauthorandfinisherofourfaith,'i.e.thatthewhole,andeverypartofsanctification,andeverygoodword,work,orthought,foundinme,istheeffectofhispowerandgrace;that`withouthimIcandonothing,'inthestrictestsense,andthat`heworksinustowillandtodoofhisowngood pleasure,' and from no other motive. Oh, how amazing it is thatpeoplecantalksomuchaboutmen'spowerandgoodness;when,ifGoddidnotholdusbackeverymoment,weshouldbedevilsincarnate!Thismybitterexperience,forseveraldayslastpast,hasabundantlytaughtmeconcerningmyself.

"Saturday, Feb. 4. Enjoyed some degree of freedom and spiritualrefreshment; was enabled to pray with some fervency; and longingdesiresofZion'sprosperity,andmyfaithandhopeseemedtotakeholdofGod, for the performance of what I was enabled to plead for.Sanctification inmyself, and the ingathering ofGod's elect, was allmydesire;andthehopeofitsaccomplishment,allmyjoy.

"Lord'sday,Feb.5.WasenabledinsomemeasuretorestandconfideinGod, and to prize his presence and some glimpses of the light of hiscountenance,abovemynecessaryfood.Thoughtmyself,aftertheseasonof weakness, temptation, and desertion I endured the last week, to besomewhatlikeSamson,whenhislocksbegantogrowagain.WasenabledtopreachtomypeoplewithmorelifeandwarmththanIhaveforsomeweekspast.

"Monday,Feb.6.ThismorningmysoulagainwasstrengthenedinGod,andfoundsomesweetreposeinhiminprayer;longingespeciallyforthecomplete mortification of sensuality and pride, and for resignation toGod'sdispensations,atalltimes,asthroughgraceIfeltitatthistime.Idid not desire deliverance from any difficulty that attends mycircumstances,unlessGodwaswilling.Ohowcomfortableisthistemper!—Spentmostof theday in readingGod'sword, inwriting,andprayer.Enjoyedrepeatedandfrequentcomfortandintensenessofsoulinprayerthroughtheday.Intheeveningspentsomehoursinprivateconversationwithmypeople;andafterwardsfeltsomewarmthinsecretprayer.

"Tuesday,Feb.7.Wasmuchengaged insomesweetmeditationson thepowersandaffectionsof thegodlysoul in theirpursuitof theirbelovedobject:wrotesomethingof thenative languageofspiritualsensation, inits softand tenderwhispers;declaring, that itnow feelsand tastes thattheLordisgracious;thatheisthesupremegood,theonlysoul-satisfyinghappiness:thatheisacomplete,sufficient,andalmightyportion:saying,

`Whomhave I inheavenbut thee?and there isnoneuponearth that Idesire besides this blessedportion.O, I feel it is heaven to pleasehim,andtobejustwhathewouldhavemetobe!Othatmysoulwereholy,asheisholy!Othatitwerepure,evenasChristispure;andperfect,asmyFatherinheavenisperfect!These,I feel,arethesweetestcommandsinGod'sbook,comprisingallothers.AndshallIbreakthem!mustIbreakthem!amIunderanecessityofitaslongasIliveintheworld!Omysoul,woe,woeismethatIamasinner,becauseInownecessarilygrieveandoffend this blessed God, who is infinite in goodness and grace! Oh,methinks, if he would punishme formy sins, it would not woundmyheart so deep to offend him: but though I sin continually, yet hecontinually repeats his kindness tome!Oh,methinks I could bear any

sufferings;buthowcanIbeartogrieveanddishonourthisblessedGod!HowshallIyieldtenthousandtimesmorehonourtohim?WhatshallIdo toglorifyandworship thisbestofbeings?O that I couldconsecratemyself, soul and body, to his service for ever! O that I could give upmyselftohim,soasnevermoretoattempttobemyown,ortohaveanywilloraffectionsthatarenotperfectlyconformedtohim!But,alas,alas!IfindIcannotbethusentirelydevotedtoGod;Icannotlive,andnotsin.O ye angels, do ye glorify him incessantly; and if possible, prostrateyourselveslowerbeforetheblessedKingofheaven?Ilongtobearapartwithyou;and,ifitwerepossible,tohelpyou.Oh,whenwehavedoneallthat we can, to all eternity, we shall not be able to offer the tenthousandthpartofthehomagethatthegloriousGoddeserves!'

"Felt something spiritual, devout, resigned, andmortified to theworld,muchof theday;andespecially towardsand in theevening.BlessedbeGod,thatheenablesmetolovehimforhimself.

"Wednesday,Feb.8.Wasinacomfortableframeofsoulmostoftheday;though sensible of, and restless under, spiritual barrenness. I find thatbothmindandbodyarequicklytiredwithintensenessandfervorinthethingsofGod.O that I couldbeas incessant as angels indevotionandspiritualfervor!

"Thursday, Feb. 9. Observed this day as a day of fasting and prayer,entreatingofGodtobestowuponmehisblessingandgrace;especiallytoenable me to live a life of mortification to the world, as well as ofresignationandpatience.Enjoyed some realizing senseofdivinepowerandgoodnessinprayer,severaltimes;andwasenabledtorolltheburdenofmyself, and friends, andZion, upon the goodness and grace ofGod:but,inthegeneral,wasmoredryandbarrenthanIhaveusuallybeenoflateuponsuchoccasions.

"Friday, Feb. 10. Was exceedingly oppressed, most of the day, withshame,grief,andfear,underasenseofmypastfolly,aswellaspresentbarrennessandcoldness.WhenGodsetsbeforememypastmisconduct,especially any instances ofmisguided zeal, it sinksmy soul into shameandconfusion,makesmeafraidofashakingleaf.MyfearissuchastheprophetJeremycomplainsof,Jer.xx.10.—Ihavenoconfidencetohold

up my face, even before my fellow-worms; but only when my soulconfides in God, and I find the sweet temper of Christ, the spirit ofhumility,solemnity,andmortification,andresignation,aliveinmysoul.— But, in the evening, was unexpectedly refreshed in pouring out mycomplainttoGod;myshameandfearwasturnedintoasweetcomposureandacquiescenceinGod.

"Saturday, Feb. 11. Felt much as yesterday: enjoyed but little sensiblecommunionwithGod.

"Lord's day, Feb. 12.My soul seemed to confide inGod, and to reposeitself on him; and had outgoings of soul after God in prayer. Enjoyedsome divine assistance, in the forenoon, in preaching; but in theafternoon,wasmoreperplexedwithshame,&c.Afterwards,foundsomerelief in prayer; loved, as a feeble, afflicted, despised creature, to castmyselfonaGodofinfinitegraceandgoodness,hopingfornohappinessbutfromhim.

"Monday,Feb. 13.Was calmand sedate inmorning-devotions; andmysoul seemed to rely onGod.—Rode toStockbridge, and enjoyed somecomfortable meditations by the way; had a more refreshing taste andrelishofheavenlyblessednessthanIhaveenjoyedformanymonthspast.Ihavemanytimes,oflate,feltasardentdesiresofholinessasever;butnot so much sense of the sweetness and unspeakable pleasure of theenjoymentsandemploymentsofheaven.Mysoul longedto leaveearth,andbearapartwithangelsintheircelestialemployments.Mysoulsaid,`Lord, it isgoodtobehere;'and itappearedtobebetter todie thantolosetherelishoftheseheavenlydelights."

Asenseofdivinethingsseemedtocontinuewithhim,inalesserdegree,throughthenextday.OnWednesdayhewas,bysomediscoursethatheheard, cast into a melancholy gloom, that operated much in the samemanner as his melancholy had formerly done, when he came first toKaunaumeek;theeffectsofwhichseemedtocontinueinsomedegreethesixfollowingdays.

"Wednesday, Feb. 22. In the morning had as clear a sense of theexceedingpollutionofmynature,aseverIremembertohavehadinmy

life.I thenappearedtomyself inexpressibly loathsomeanddefiled;sinsofchildhood,ofearlyyouth,andsuchfolliesasIhadnotthoughtofforyears together, as I remember, came now fresh to my view as ifcommittedbutyesterday,andappearedinthemostodiouscolours;theyappearedmore in numbers than the hairs ofmyhead; yea, they `wentovermy head as a heavy burden.' — In the evening, the hand of faithseemedtobestrengthenedinGod;mysoulseemedtorestandacquiesceinhim;wassupportedundermyburdens,readingthe125thPsalm;andfoundthatitwassweetandcomfortabletoleanonGod.

"Thursday,Feb.23.Wasfrequentinprayer,andenjoyedsomeassistance.—ThereisaGodinheavenwhooverrulesallthingsforthebest;andthisisthecomfortofmysoul:`Ihadfainted,unlessIhadbelievedtoseethegoodness of God in the land of the living,' notwithstanding presentsorrows.—Intheevening,enjoyedsomefreedominprayer, formyself,friends,andthechurchofGod.

"Friday,Feb.24.Wasexceedingrestlessandperplexedunderasenseofthemisimprovementoftime;mournedtoseetimepassaway;feltinthegreatesthurry; seemed tohaveevery thing todo:yet coulddonothing,but only grieve and groan under my ignorance, unprofitableness,meanness, the foolishness of my actions and thoughts, the pride andbitternessofsomepastframes,allwhichatthistimeappearedtomeinlivelycolours,andfilledmewithshame.Icouldnotcomposemymindtoanyprofitablestudies,byreasonofthispressure.Andthereason,Ijudge,whyIamnotallowedtostudyagreatpartofmytime, is,becauseIamendeavouring to lay in such a stock of knowledge, as shall be a self-sufficiency.—Iknowittobemyindispensabledutytostudy,andqualifymyselfinthebestmannerIcanforpublicservice;butthisismymisery,Inaturally study and prepare, that Imay `consume it uponmy lusts' ofprideandself-confidence."

He continued in much the same frame of uneasiness at themisimprovementoftime,andpressureofspiritunderasenseofvileness,unprofitableness,&c.forthesixfollowingdays;exceptingsomeintervalsofcalmnessandcomposure,inresignationtoandconfidenceinGod.

"Friday,March2.Wasmostof thedayemployed inwritingonadivine

subject. Was frequent in prayer, and enjoyed some small degree ofassistance. But in the evening, God was pleased to grant me a divinesweetnessinprayer;especiallyinthedutyofintercession.IthinkIneverfeltsomuchkindnessandlovetothosewho,Ihavereasontothink,aremyenemies—thoughatthattimeIfoundsuchadispositiontothinkthebestofall,thatIscarceknewhowtothinkthatanysuchthingasenmityandhatredlodgedinanysoul;itseemedasifalltheworldmustneedsbefriends—andneverprayedwithmorefreedomanddelight,formyself,ordearestfriend,thanIdidnowformyenemies.

"Saturday,March3.Inthemorningspent(Ibelieve)anhour inprayer,withgreat intensenessand freedom,andwith themost soft and tenderaffection towards mankind. I longed that those who, I have reason tothink,owemeillwill,mightbeeternallyhappy.Itseemedrefreshingtothinkofmeetingtheminheaven,howmuchsoevertheyhadinjuredmeonearth:hadnodispositiontoinsistuponanyconfessionfromthem,inordertoreconciliation,andtheexerciseofloveandkindnesstothem.Oitisanemblemofheavenitself,tolovealltheworldwithaloveofkindness,forgiveness,andbenevolence;tofeeloursoulssedate,mild,andmeek;tobevoidofallevilsurmisingsandsuspicions,andscarceabletothinkevilofanymanuponanyoccasion;tofindourheartssimple,open,andfree,tothosethatlookuponuswithadifferenteye!—Prayerwassosweetanexercisetome,thatIknewnothowtocease,lestIshouldlosethespiritofprayer.Feltnodispositiontoeatordrink,forthesakeofthepleasureofit,butonlytosupportmynature,andfitmefordivineservice.Couldnot be contentwithout a very particularmention of a great number ofdearfriendsatthethroneofgrace;asalsotheparticularcircumstancesofmany,sofarastheywereknown.

"Lord'sday,March4. In themorning, enjoyed the same intenseness inprayer as yesterdaymorning, though not in so great a degree: felt thesame spirit of love, universal benevolence, forgiveness, humility,resignation,mortificationtotheworld,andcomposureofmind,asthen.Mysoul rested inGod;and I foundIwantednoother refugeor friend.WhilemysoulthustrustsinGod,allthingsseemtobeatpeacewithme,eventhestonesoftheearth:butwhenIcannotapprehendandconfideinGod,allthingsappearwithadifferentaspect."

Through the four next days he complains of barrenness, want of holyconfidence in God, stupidity, wanderings of mind, &c. and speaks ofoppressionofmindunderasenseofexceedingmeanness,pastfollies,aswell as presentworkings of corruption.—On Friday he seems to havebeenrestored toaconsiderabledegreeof thesameexcellent frame thatheenjoyedtheSaturdaybefore.

"Saturday,March 10. In themorning, felt exceedingdead to theworld,andall itsenjoyments: I thought Iwasreadyandwilling togiveup lifeand all its comforts, as soon as called to it; and yet then had asmuchcomfortoflifeasalmosteverIhad.Lifeitselfnowappearedbutanemptybubble; the riches, honours, and common enjoyments of life appearedextremelytasteless.Ilongedtobeperpetuallyandentirelycrucifiedtoallthings here below, by cross of Christ.My soul was sweetly resigned toGod's disposal of me, in every regard; and I saw there had nothinghappened but what was best forme. I confided in God, that he wouldneverleaveme,thoughIshould`walkthroughthevalleyoftheshadowofdeath.'Itwasthenmymeatanddrinktobeholy,to livetotheLord,anddietotheLord.AndIthought,thatIthenenjoyedsuchaheaven,asfarexceededthemostsublimeconceptionsofanunregeneratesoul;andeven unspeakably beyond what I myself could conceive of at anothertime.IdidnotwonderthatPetersaid,"Lord,itisgoodtobehere,"whenthusrefreshedwithdivineglories.Mysoulwasfullofloveandtendernessinthedutyofintercession;especiallyfeltamostsweetaffectiontosomeprecious godlyministers ofmy acquaintance. Prayed earnestly for dearChristians,andforthoseIhavereasontofeararemyenemies;andcouldnot have spoken a word of bitterness, or entertained a bitter thought,againstthevilestmanliving.Hadasenseofmyowngreatunworthiness.My soul seemed tobreathe forth loveandpraise toGodafresh,when Ithought he would let his children love and receive me as one of theirbrethrenandfellow-citizens.WhenIthoughtoftheirtreatingmeinthatmanner,Ilongedtolieattheirfeet;andcouldthinkofnowaytoexpressthesincerityandsimplicityofmyloveandesteemofthem,asbeingmuchbetter than myself. — Towards night was very sorrowful; seemed tomyself theworst creature living; and couldnot pray, normeditate, northinkofholdingupmyfacebefore theworld.—Wasa littlerelieved inprayer,intheevening;butlongedtogetonmyknees,andaskforgiveness

of every body that ever had seen any thing amiss inmy past conduct,especiallyinmyreligiouszeal.—Wasafterwardsmuchperplexed,sothatIcouldnotsleepquietly.

"Lord's day, March 11. My soul was in some measure strengthened inGod,inmorningdevotion;sothatIwasreleasedfromtremblingfearanddistress.—Preached tomypeople fromtheparableof thesower,Matt.xiii. and enjoyed some assistance, both parts of the day: had somefreedom, affection, and fervency in addressingmy poor people; longedthat God should take hold of their hearts, and make them spirituallyalive.AndindeedIhadsomuchtosaytothem,thatIknewnothowtoleaveoffspeaking.[27]

"Monday,March12.Inthemorningwasinadevout,tender,andlovingframeofmind;andwasenabledtocry toGod,Ihope,withachild-likespirit, with importunity, and resignation, and composure of mind. Myspiritwasfullofquietness,andlovetomankind;andlongedthatpeaceshould reign on the earth: was grieved at the very thoughts of a fiery,angry,andintemperatezealinreligion;mournedoverpastfolliesinthatregard;andmysoulconfidedinGodforstrengthandgracesufficientformyfutureworkandtrials.—Spentthedaymainlyinhardlabor,makingpreparationformyintendedjourney.

"Tuesday,March13.Feltmysoulgoing forthafterGodsometimes;butnot with such ardency as I longed for. In the evening, was enabled tocontinue instant in prayer, for some considerable time together; andespeciallyhadrespect to the journeyIdesigned toenterupon,with theleaveofDivineProvidence,on themorrow.Enjoyedsome freedomandfervency, entreating that the divine presencemight attendme in everyplacewheremybusinessmightleadme;andhadaparticularreferencetothetrialsandtemptationsthatIapprehendedImightbemoreeminentlyexposed to in particular places. Was strengthened and comforted;although Iwas before veryweary. Truly the joy of theLord is strengthandlife.

"Wednesday, March 14. Enjoyed some intenseness of soul in prayer,repeatingmypetitionsforGod'spresenceineveryplacewhereIexpectedto be inmy journey. Besought the Lord that Imight not be toomuch

pleasedandamusedwithdearfriendsandacquaintance,inoneplaceandanother. — Near ten set out on my journey; and near night came toStockbridge.

"Thursday,March 15.Rodedown to Sheffield.Here Imet amessengerfromEastHamptononLong-Island;whobytheunanimousvoteofthatlarge town, was sent to invite me thither, in order to settle with thatpeople,whereIhadbeenbeforefrequentlyinvited.Seemedmoreatalosswhatwasmyduty thanbefore;when Iheardof thegreatdifficultiesofthatplace, Iwasmuchconcernedandgrieved, and felt somedesires tocomply with their request; but knew not what to do: endeavoured tocommitthecasetoGod."

The two next days he went no further than Salisbury, being muchhinderedby therain.Whenhecamethere,hewasmuch indisposed.—He speaks of comfortable and profitable conversation with Christianfriends,onthesedays.

"Lord'sday,March18.[AtSalisbury.]Wasexceedingweakandfaint,sothat I could scarce walk: but God was pleased to afford me muchfreedom, clearness, and fervency in preaching: I have not had the likeassistanceinpreachingtosinnersformanymonthspast.—Hereanothermessengermetme,andinformedmeofthevoteofanothercongregation,to give me an invitation to come among them upon probation forsettlement. [28] Was somewhat exercised in mind with a weight andburdenof care.O thatGodwould `send forth faithful laborers intohisharvest!'"

After this hewent forward on his journey towardsNew York andNewJersey:inwhichheproceededslowly;performinghisjourneyundergreatdegrees of bodily indisposition.However, he preached several times bytheway,beingurgedbyfriends;inwhichhehadconsiderableassistance.HespeaksofcomfortinconversationwithChristianfriends,fromtimetotime,andofvariousthingsintheexercisesandframesofhisheart,thatshow much of a divine influence on his mind in this journey: but yetcomplainsofthethingsthathefeared,viz.adeclineofhisspirituallife,orvivacityinreligion,bymeansofhisconstantremovalfromplacetoplace,and want of retirement; and complains bitterly of his unworthiness,

deadness,&c.—HecametoNewYorkonWednesday,March28,andtoElizabeth-townon theSaturday following,where it seemshewaited tillthecommissionerscametogether.

"Thursday,April5.Wasagainmuchexercisedwithweakness,andwithpain inmyhead.Attendedonthecommissioners in theirmeeting. [29]Resolved to go on still with the Indian affair, if Divine Providencepermitted; although I had before felt some inclination to go to EastHampton,whereIwassolicitedtogo."[30]

Afterthis,hecontinuedtwoorthreedaysintheJerseys,veryill;andthenreturnedtoNewYork;andfromthence intoNewEngland;andwenttohis native town ofHaddam,where he arrived on Saturday,April 14.—Andhecontinuesstillhisbittercomplaintsofwantofretirement.WhilehewasinNewYork,hesaysthus,"Oh,itisnotthepleasuresoftheworldcancomfortme!IfGoddenyhispresence,whatarethepleasuresofthecitytome?OnehourofsweetretirementwhereGodis,isbetterthanthewholeworld."Andhecontinuestocomplainofhisignorance,meanness,and unworthiness. However, he speaks of some seasons of specialassistance, and divine sweetness. — He spent some days among hisfriendsatEastHamptonandMillington.

"Tuesday,April 17.Rode toMillingtonagain;and feltperplexedwhenIset out;was feeble in body, andweak in faith. Iwas going to preach alecture;andfearedIshouldneverhaveassistanceenoughtogetthrough.But contriving to ride alone, at a distance from the company that wasgoing, I spent the time in liftingupmyheart toGod:hadnot gone farbeforemysoulwasabundantly strengthenedwith thosewords,`IfGodbeforus,whocanbeagainstus?'Iwenton,confidinginGod;andfearingnothingsomuchasself-confidence.InthisframeIwenttothehouseofGod,andenjoyedsomeassistance.Afterwardsfelt thespiritof loveandmeekness in conversation with some friends. Then rode home to mybrother's; and in the evening, singing hymns with friends, my soulseemed tomelt;and inprayerafterwards,enjoyed theexerciseof faith,andwas enabled to be fervent in spirit: foundmore ofGod's presence,than I have done any time in my late wearisome journey. Eternityappearedverynear;mynaturewas veryweak, and seemed ready tobedissolved;thesundeclining,andtheshadowsoftheeveningdrawingon

apace.OI longedtofilluptheremainingmomentsall forGod!Thoughmy bodywas so feeble, andweariedwith preaching, andmuch privateconversation,yetIwantedtositupallnighttodosomethingforGod.ToGod,thegiveroftheserefreshments,begloryforeverandever.Amen.

"Wednesday, April 18. Was very weak, and enjoyed but little spiritualcomfort.Wasexercisedwithonewhocaviledagainstoriginalsin.MaytheLordopenhiseyestoseethefountainofsininhimself!"

Afterthis,hevisitedseveralministers inConnecticut;andthentraveledtowards Kaunaumeek, and came to Mr. Sergeant's at Stockbridge,Thursday, April 26.He performed this journey in a very weak state ofbody.Thethingshespeaksof,appertainingtotheframesandexercisesofhismind, areat some timesdeadnessandwantof spiritual comfort; atother times, resting in God, spiritual sweetness in conversation,engagednessinmeditationontheroad,assistanceinpreaching,rejoicingtothinkthatsomuchmoreofhisworkwasdone,andhesomuchnearerto the eternalworld.Andhe once and again speaks of a sense of greatignorance,spiritualpollution,&c.

"Friday and Saturday, April 27, and 28. Spent some time in visitingfriends, and discoursing withmy people, (who were nowmoved downfromtheirownplacetoMr.Sergeant's,)andfoundthemverygladtoseeme returned. Was exercised in my mind with a sense of my ownunworthiness.

"Lord'sday,April29.Preached forMr.Sergeant,bothpartsof theday,fromRev. xiv. 4. `These are theywhichwere not defiled,' &c. Enjoyedsomefreedominpreaching,thoughnotmuchspirituality.Intheevening,myheartwas insomemeasure liftedup in thankfulness toGodforanyassistance.

"Monday,April30.RodetoKaunaumeek,butwasextremelyill;didnotenjoythecomfortIhopedforinmyownhouse.

"Tuesday, May 1. Having received new orders to on to a number ofIndians on Delaware river in Pennsylvania, and my people here beingmostlyremovedtoMr.Sergeant's,I thisdaytookallmyclothes,books,

&c.anddisposedofthem,andsetoutforDelawareriver:butmadeitmywaytoreturntoMr.Sergeant's;whichIdidthisday,justatnight.Rodeseveralhoursintherainthroughthehowlingwilderness,althoughIwassodisorderedinbody,thatlittleornothingbutbloodcamefromme."

HecontinuedatStockbridgethenextday,andonThursdayrodealittleway,toSheffield,underagreatdegreeofillness;butwithencouragementand cheerfulness of mind under his fatigues. On Friday he rode toSalisbury, and continued there till after the sabbath. He speaks of hissoul'sbeing,somepartofthistime,refreshedinconversationwithsomeChristianfriends,abouttheirheavenlyhomeandtheirjourneythither.Atother times, he speaks of himself as exceedingly perplexed withbarrenness and deadness, and has this exclamation, "Oh, that timeshould pass with so little done for God!" — On Monday he rode toSharon; and speaks of himself as distressed at the consideration of themisimprovementoftime.

"Tuesday,May8.SetoutfromSharoninConnecticut,andtraveledaboutforty-five miles to a place called the Fish-kill; [31] and lodged there.Spentmuchofmytime,whileriding,inprayer,thatGodwouldgowithmetoDelaware.Myheartsometimeswasreadytosinkwiththethoughtsofmywork,andgoingaloneinthewilderness,Iknewnotwhere:butstillitwascomfortabletothink,thatothersofGod'schildrenhad`wanderedaboutincavesanddensoftheearth,'andAbraham,whenhewascalledto go forth, `went out, not knowing whither he went.' O that I mightfollowafterGod!"

Thenextdayhewentforwardonhisjourney;crossedHudson'sriver,andwenttoGoshenintheHighlands;andsotraveledacrossthewoods,fromHudson's river toDelaware, about ahundredmiles, throughadesolateand hideous country, above New Jersey; where were very fewsettlements;inwhichjourneyhesufferedmuchfatigueandhardship.Hevisited some Indians in the way, [32] and discoursed with themconcerningChristianity.Wasconsiderablymelancholyanddisconsolate,beingaloneinastrangewilderness.OnSaturdayhecametoasettlementof Irish and Dutch people, about twelve miles above the Forks ofDelaware.

"Lord'sday,May 13.Rose early; felt verypoorly aftermy long journey,andafterbeingwetandfatigued.Wasverymelancholy;havescarceevenseensuchagloomymorninginmylife;thereappearedtobenosabbath;thechildrenwereallatplay;Iastrangerinthewilderness,andknewnotwhere to go; and all circumstances seemed to conspire to render myaffairs dark and discouraging. Was disappointed respecting aninterpreter, and heard that the Indiansweremuch scattered,&c.Oh, ImournedafterthepresenceofGod,andseemedlikeacreaturebanishedfromhissight!yethewaspleasedtosupportmysinkingsoul,amidstallmy sorrows; so that I never entertained any thought of quitting mybusinessamongthepoorIndians;butwascomfortedtothinkthatdeathwoulderelongsetmefreefromthesedistresses.—Rodeaboutthreeorfourmiles to the Irishpeople,where I foundsome thatappearedsoberand concerned about religion. My heart then began to be a littleencouraged:wentandpreachedfirsttotheIrish,andthentotheIndians;andintheevening,wasalittlecomforted;mysoulseemedtorestonGod,andtakecourage.OthattheLordwouldbemysupportandcomforterinanevilworld!

"Monday,May14.Wasverybusyinsomenecessarystudies.Feltmyselfveryloosefromalltheworld;allappeared`vanityandvexationofspirit.'Seemed lonesome and disconsolate, as if I were banished from allmankind,andbereavedofallthatiscalledpleasurableintheworld;butappeared tomyself so vile and unworthy, it seemed fitter forme to beherethananywhere.

"Tuesday, May 15. Still much engaged in my studies; and enjoy morehealth than I have for some time past: but was something dejected inspiritwith a sense ofmymeanness; seemed as if I could never do anythingatalltoanygoodpurposebyreasonofignoranceandfolly.Othatasenseofthesethingsmightworkmorehabitualhumilityinmysoul!"

Hecontinuedmuchinthesameframethenextday.

"Thursday,May 17.Was this day greatly distressedwith a sense ofmyvileness; appeared to myself too bad to walk on God's earth, or to betreatedwithkindnessbyanyofhiscreatures.Godwaspleasedtoletmeseemyinwardpollutionandcorruption, tosuchadegree, thatIalmost

despairedofbeingmadeholy:`Oh!wretchedmanthatIam!whoshalldeliverme from thebodyof this death?' In the afternoonmetwith theIndians, according to appointment, and preached to them. And whileriding to them,my soul seemed to confide inGod; and afterwards hadsomereliefandenlargementofsoulinprayer,andsomeassistanceinthedutyofintercession;vitalpietyandholinessappearedsweettome,andIlongedfortheperfectionofit.

"Friday,May18.Feltagainsomethingofthesweetspiritofreligion;andmysoulseemedtoconfideinGod,thathewouldneverleaveme.—Butoftentimessawmyselfsomeanacreature,thatIknewnothowtothinkofpreaching.OthatIcouldalwayslivetoanduponGod!

"Saturday,May19.Was,somepartofthetime,greatlyoppressedwiththeweightandburdenofmywork; it seemed impossible formeever togothroughwith thebusinessIhadundertaken.—Towardsnightwasverycalmandcomfortable;andIthinkmysoultrustedinGodforhelp.

"Lord's day,May 20. Preached twice to the poor Indians, and enjoyedsomefreedominspeaking,whileIattemptedtoremovetheirprejudicesagainst Christianity. My soul longed for assistance from above, all thewhile; for I saw I had no strength sufficient for that work. Afterwardspreachedto theIrishpeople;wasmuchassisted in the firstprayer,andsomethinginsermon.Severalpersonsseemedmuchconcernedfortheirsouls,withwhomIdiscoursedafterwardswithmuchfreedomandsomepower.BlessedbeGodforanyassistanceaffordedtoanunworthyworm.OthatIcouldlivetohim!"

Throughtheremainderofthisweekhewassometimesreadytosinkwitha senseofhisunworthiness andunfitness for theworkof theministry;and sometimes encouraged and lifted abovehis fears and sorrows, andwas enabled confidently to rely on God; and especially on Saturday,towards night, he enjoyed calmness and composure, and assistance inprayer toGod.He rejoiced, "ThatGod remains unchangeably powerfuland faithful,a sureandsufficientportion,and thedwelling-placeofhischildreninallgenerations."

"Lord's day,May 27. Visitedmy Indians in themorning, and attended

upon a funeral among them; was affected to see their heathenishpractices. O that they might be `turned from darkness to light!'Afterwardsgotaconsiderablenumberofthemtogether,andpreachedtothem;andobservedthemveryattentive.Afterthis,preachedtothewhitepeople from Heb. ii. 3. `How shall we escape, if we neglect,' &c. Wasenabled tospeakwithsomefreedomandpower:severalpeopleseemedmuchconcernedfortheirsouls;especiallyonewhohadbeeneducatedaRomancatholic.BlessedbetheLordforanyhelp.

"Monday,May28.SetoutfromtheIndiansabovetheForksofDelaware,on a journey towards Newark in New Jersey, according to my orders.Rodethroughthewilderness;wasmuchfatiguedwiththeheat;lodgedataplacecalledBlack-river;wasexceedinglytiredandwornout."

OnTuesdayhecame toNewark.Thenextday,went toElizabeth-town;onThursdayhewenttoNewYork;andonFridayreturnedtoElizabeth-town.Thesedayswerespentinsomeperplexityofmind.HecontinuedatElizabeth-town till Friday in the week following. Was enlivened,refreshed, and strengthened on the sabbath at the Lord's table. Theensuingdaysoftheweekwerespentchieflyinstudiespreparatorytohisordination; and on some of them he seemed to have much of God'sgraciouspresence,andofthesweetinfluencesofhisSpirit;butwasinaveryweakstateofbody.OnSaturdayherodetoNewark.

"Lord'sday,June10.[AtNewark]Inthemorning,wasmuchconcernedhowIshouldperformtheworkoftheday;andtrembledatthethoughtsofbeinglefttomyself.—Enjoyedveryconsiderableassistanceinallpartsof the public service. Had an opportunity again to attend on theordinance of the Lord's supper, and through divine goodness wasrefreshed in it: my soul was full of love and tenderness towards thechildren of God, and towards all men; felt a certain sweetness ofdisposition towards every creature.At night I enjoyedmore spiritualityandsweetdesireofholiness,thanIhavefeltforsometime:wasafraidofeverythoughtandeverymotion, lesttherebymyheartshouldbedrawnawayfromGod.OthatImightneverleavetheblessedGod!`Lord,inthypresenceisfulnessofjoy.'OtheblessednessoflivingtoGod!

"Monday, June 11. This day the Presbyterymet together atNewark, in

order to my ordination. Was very weak and disordered in body; yetendeavoured to repose my confidence in God. Spent most of the dayalone; especially the forenoon. At three in the afternoon preached myprobation-sermon, from Acts xxvi. 17, 18. `Delivering thee from thepeople,andfromtheGentiles,'&c.beingatextgivenmeforthatend.Feltnot well, either in body or mind; however God carried me throughcomfortably. Afterwards passed an examination before the Presbytery.Wasmuchtired,andmymindburdenedwiththegreatnessofthatchargeIwasinthemostsolemnmannerabouttotakeuponme;mymindwassopressedwiththeweightoftheworkincumbentuponme,thatIcouldnotsleepthisnight,thoughverywearyandingreatneedofrest.

"Tuesday, June 12.Was thismorning further examined, respectingmyexperimental acquaintance with Christianity. [33] At ten o'clock myordination was attended; the sermon preached by the Reverend Mr.Pemberton.AtthistimeIwasaffectedwithasenseoftheimportanttrustcommitted tome; yet was composed, and solemn, without distraction:andIhopethatthen,asmanytimesbefore,IgavemyselfuptoGod,tobefor him, and not for another.O that Imight always be engaged in theserviceofGod,anddulyrememberthesolemnchargeIhavereceived,inthepresenceofGod,angels,andmen.Amen.MayIbeassistedofGodforthispurpose.-TowardsnightrodetoElizabeth-town."

PreachingMetwithRemarkableSuccess

From his ordination, till he first began to preach to the indians atCrossweeksung,amongwhomhehadhismostremarkablesuccess.

"Wednesday,June13.[1744.]SpentsomeconsiderabletimeinwritinganaccountoftheIndianaffairstogotoScotland;some,inconversationwithfriends;butenjoyednotmuchsweetnessandsatisfaction.

"Thursday,June14.Receivedsomeparticularkindnessfromfriends;andwondered that God should open the hearts of any to treat me withkindness:sawmyself tobeunworthyofany favour fromGod,oranyofmy fellow-men.Wasmuch exercisedwith pain inmy head; however, IdeterminedtosetoutonmyjourneytowardsDelawareintheafternoon;butwhen the afternoon came,mypain increased exceedingly, so that Iwas obliged to betakemyself to bed. The night following I was greatlydistressedwithpainandsickness;wassometimesalmostbereavedoftheexercise of reasonby the extremity of pain.ContinuedmuchdistressedtillSaturday,whenIwassomewhatrelievedbyanemetic:butwasunableto walk abroad till the Monday following, in the afternoon; and stillremainedvery feeble. Ioftenadmired thegoodnessofGod, thathedidnotsufferme toproceedonmy journey fromthisplacewhere Iwassotenderlyused,andtobesickbythewayamongstrangers.—Godisverygracious to me, both in health and sickness, and intermingles muchmercywithallmyafflictionsandtoils.Enjoyedsomesweetnessinthingsdivine, in themidstofmypainandweakness.OthatIcouldpraise theLord!"

J.B.—OnTuesday,June19,hesetoutonhisjourneyhome,andinthreedays reached his place, near the Forks of Delaware. Performed thejourneyundermuchweaknessofbody;buthadcomfortinhissoul,fromday to day: and both his weakness of body, and consolation of mind,continuedthroughtheweek.

"Lord's day, June 24. Extremely feeble; scarce able to walk: however,visitedmyIndians,andtookmuchpainsto instruct them; laboredwith

some that were much disaffected to Christianity. My mind was muchburdened with the weight and difficulty of my work. My wholedependenceandhopeofsuccessseemedtobeonGod;whoaloneIsawcould make them willing to receive instruction. My heart was muchengaged inprayer, sendingup silent requests toGod, evenwhile Iwasspeakingtothem.OthatIcouldalwaysgointhestrengthoftheLord!

"Monday,June25.Wassomethingbetterinhealththanoflate;wasabletospendaconsiderablepartofthedayinprayerandclosestudies.Hadmorefreedomandfervencyinprayerthanusualoflate;especiallylongedforthepresenceofGodinmywork,andthatthepoorheathenmightbeconverted.And ineveningprayermyfaithandhope inGodweremuchraised.Toaneyeofreasoneverythingthatrespectstheconversionoftheheathenisasdarkasmidnight;andyetIcannotbuthopeinGodfortheaccomplishment of something glorious among them. My soul longedmuch for the advancement of the Redeemer's kingdom on earth. WasveryfearfullestIshouldadmitsomevainthought,andsolosethesenseIthenhadofdivinethings.Oforanabidingheavenlytemper!

"Tuesday,June26.Inthemorningmydesiresseemedtorise,andascendupfreelytoGod.Wasbusymostofthedayintranslatingprayersintothelanguage of the Delaware Indians; met with great difficulty, by reasonthatmy interpreterwasaltogetherunacquaintedwith thebusiness.ButthoughIwasmuchdiscouragedwiththeextremedifficultyofthatwork,yet God supported me; and especially in the evening gave me sweetrefreshment. In prayermy soulwas enlarged, andmy faith drawn intosensible exercise; was enabled to cry to God formy poor Indians; andthoughtheworkof theirconversionappeared impossiblewithman,yetwithGodIsawallthingswerepossible.Myfaithwasmuchstrengthened,by observing the wonderful assistance God afforded his servantsNehemiahandEzra,reforminghispeople,andre-establishinghisancientchurch.IwasmuchassistedinprayerfordearChristianfriends,andforothers that I apprehended to be Christless; but was more especiallyconcerned for the poor heathen, and those of my own charge: wasenabledtobeinstantinprayerforthem;andhopedthatGodwouldbowthe heavens and come down for their salvation. It seemed tome therecouldbenoimpedimentsufficienttoobstructthatgloriouswork,seeing

the livingGod,asIstronglyhoped,wasengagedfor it. Icontinued inasolemnframe,liftingupmyhearttoGodforassistanceandgrace,thatImightbemoremortifiedtothispresentworld,thatmywholesoulmightbe taken up continually in concern for the advancement of Christ'skingdom: longed thatGodwould purgememore, that Imight be as achosen vessel to bear his name among the heathens. Continued in thisframetillIdroppedasleep.

"Wednesday,June27.Felt somethingof the samesolemnconcern,andspiritofprayer,thatIenjoyedlastnight,soonafterIroseinthemorning.—IntheafternoonrodeseveralmilestoseeifIcouldprocureanylandsfor thepoor Indians, that theymight live together,andbeunderbetteradvantages for instruction.While I was riding had a deep sense of thegreatnessanddifficultyofmywork;andmysoulseemedtorelywhollyuponGodforsuccess,inthediligentandfaithfuluseofmeans.Saw,withgreatestcertainty,thatthearmoftheLordmustberevealed,forthehelpofthesepoorheathen,ifevertheyweredeliveredfromthebondageofthepowersofdarkness.Spentmostofthetime,whileriding,inliftingupmyheartforgraceandassistance.

"Thursday, June 28. Spent themorning in reading several parts of theHolyScripture,andinferventprayerformyIndians,thatGodwouldsetuphiskingdomamong them,andbring themintohischurch.—AboutnineIwithdrewtomyusualplaceofretirementinthewoods;andthereagain enjoyed some assistance in prayer.My great concernwas for theconversionoftheheathentoGod;andtheLordhelpedmetopleadwithhim for it. Towardsnoon rodeup to the Indians, in order to preach tothem; and while going, my heart went up to God in prayer for them;couldfreelytellGod,heknewthatthecausewasnotmine,whichIwasengagedin;butitwashisowncause,anditwouldbeforhisownglorytoconvert the poor Indians: and blessed be God, I felt no desire of theirconversion, that I might receive honour from the world, as being theinstrumentofit.HadsomefreedominspeakingtotheIndians."

Thenextdayhespeaksofsomeseriousconcern for thekingdomof theblessed Redeemer; but complains much of barrenness, wanderings,inactivity,&c.

"Saturday, June 30. My soul was very solemn in reading God's word;especiallytheninthchapterofDaniel.IsawhowGodhadcalledouthisservantstoprayer,andmadethemwrestlewithhim,whenhedesignedtobestow any great mercy on his church. And, alas! I was ashamed ofmyself,tothinkofmydullnessandinactivity,whenthereseemedtobesomuch to do for the upbuilding of Zion.Oh, how does Zion liewaste! IlongedthatthechurchofGodmightbeenlarged:wasenabledtopray,Ithink, in faith; my soul seemed sensibly to confide in God, and wasenabled to wrestle with him. Afterwards walked abroad to a place ofsweet retirement, and enjoyed some assistance in prayer again; had asenseofmygreatneedofdivinehelp,andfeltmysoulsensiblydependonGod.BlessedbeGod,thishasbeenacomfortableweektome.

"Lord'sday,July1. In themorningwasperplexedwithwandering,vainthoughts;wasmuchgrieved,judgedandcondemnedmyselfbeforeGod.Andoh,howmiserabledidIfeel,becauseIcouldnotlivetoGod!Atten,rodeawaywithaheavyheart,topreachtomyIndians.UpontheroadIattemptedtoliftupmyhearttoGod;butwasinfestedwithanunsettled,wanderingframeofmind;andwasexceedingrestlessandperplexed,andfilled with shame and confusion before God. I seemed tomyself to be`morebrutishthananyman;'andthoughtnonedeservedtobe`castoutofGod'spresence'somuchasI.IfIattemptedtoliftupmyhearttoGod,as I frequently did by the way, on a sudden, before I was aware, mythoughts were wandering `to the ends of the earth;' and my soul wasfilledwithsurpriseandanxiety,tofinditthus.ThusalsoafterIcametothe Indiansmymindwas confused; and I felt nothing sensibly of thatsweetrelianceonGod,thatmysoulhasbeencomfortedwithindayspast.Spenttheforenooninthispostureofmind,andpreachedtotheIndianswithout any heart. In the afternoon I felt still barren,when I began topreach;andforabouthalfanhour,Iseemedtomyselftoknownothing,andtohavenothingtosaytotheIndians;butsoonafterIfoundinmyselfaspiritoflove,andwarmth,andpower,toaddressthepoorIndians;andGodhelpedmetopleadwiththem,to`turnfromall thevanitiesof theheathen, to the livingGod:'and Iampersuaded theLord touched theirconsciences; for I never saw such attention raised in thembefore. AndwhenIcameawayfromthem,IspentthewholetimewhileIwasridingtomylodgings,threemilesdistant,inprayerandpraisetoGod.Andafter

Ihadrodemorethantwomiles,itcameintomymindtodedicatemyselfto God again; which I did with great solemnity, and unspeakablesatisfaction;especiallygaveupmyselftohimrenewedintheworkoftheministry.AndthisIdidbydivinegrace,Ihope,withoutanyexceptionorreserve:not in the least shrinkingback fromanydifficulties thatmightattend this great and blessedwork. I seemed to bemost free, cheerful,andfullinthisdedicationofmyself.Mywholesoulcried,`Lord,totheeIdedicatemyself! O accept ofme, and letme be thine for ever. Lord, Idesirenothingelse,Idesirenothingmore.Ocome,come,Lord,acceptapoorworm.Whomhave I in heaven but thee? and there is none uponearth that I desire besides thee.' After this, was enabled to praise Godwithmywholesoul,thathehadenabledmetodevoteandconsecrateallmy powers to him in this solemn manner. My heart rejoiced in myparticularworkasamissionary;rejoicedinmynecessityofself-denialinmanyrespects;andstillcontinuedtogiveupmyselftoGod,andimploremercy of him; praying incessantly, everymoment,with sweet fervency.My nature being very weak of late, and much spent, was nowconsiderably overcome: my fingers grew very feeble, and somewhatnumb, so that I could scarcely stretch them out straight; and when Ilighted from my horse, could hardly walk, my joints seemed all to beloosed. But I felt abundant strength in the innerman. Preached to thewhitepeople:Godhelpedmemuch, especially inprayer. Sundryofmypoor Indians were so moved as to come to meeting also; and oneappearedmuchconcerned.

"Monday,July2.Hadsomerelishofthedivinecomfortsofyesterday;butcould not get that warmth and exercise of faith that I desired. Hadsometimesadistressing senseofmypast follies, andpresent ignoranceandbarrenness:andespeciallyintheafternoon,wassunkdownunderaloadofsinandguilt,inthatIhadlivedsolittletoGod,afterhisabundantgoodnesstomeyesterday.Intheeveningthoughveryweak,wasenabledtopraywithfervency,andtocontinueinstantinprayer,nearanhour.Mysoulmournedoverthepowerofitscorruption,andlongedexceedinglytobewashedandpurgedaswithhyssop.Wasenabledtoprayformydearabsent friends, Christ's ministers, and his church; and enjoyed muchfreedomand fervency,butnot somuchcomfort,by reasonof guilt andshamebeforeGod.—Judgedandcondemnedmyselfforthefolliesofthe

day.

"Tuesday,July3.Wasstillveryweak.ThismorningwasenabledtoprayunderafeelingsenseofmyneedofhelpfromGod,and,Itrust,hadsomefaith inexercise;and,blessedbeGod,wasenabled topleadwithhimaconsiderable time.TrulyGod isgoodtome.Butmysoulmourned,andwas grieved at my sinfulness and barrenness, and longed to be moreengaged for God. Near nine withdrew again for prayer; and throughdivinegoodness,hadtheblessedSpiritofprayer;mysoullovedtheduty,and longed for God in it. O it is sweet to be the Lord's, to be sensiblydevotedtohim!WhatablessedportionisGod!Howglorious,howlovelyinhimself!Omysoul longed to improve timewholly forGod!—SpentmostofthedayintranslatingprayersintoIndian.—IntheeveningwasenabledagaintowrestlewithGodinprayerwithfervency.Wasenabledtomaintainaself-diffidentandwatchful frameofspirit, in theevening,and was jealous and afraid lest I should admit carelessness and self-confidence."

Thenextdayheseemstohavehadspecialassistanceandfervencymostoftheday,butinalessdegreethantheprecedingday.Tuesdaywasspentingreatbodilyweakness;yetseemstohavebeenspentincontinualandexceeding painfulness in religion; but in great bitterness of spirit byreasonofhisvilenessandcorruption;hesays, "I thought therewasnotonecreaturelivingsovileasI.Oh,myinwardpollution!Oh,myguiltandshamebeforeGod!—Iknownotwhattodo.Oh,Ilongedardentlytobecleansedandwashedfromthestainsofinwardpollution!Oh,tobemadelikeGod,orrathertobemadefitforGodtoown!"

"Friday, July 6. Awoke thismorning in the fear of God: soon called tomindmysadnessintheeveningpast;andspentmyfirstwakingminutesin prayer for sanctification, that my soul may be washed from itsexceedingpollutionanddefilement.After I arose, I spent some time inreadingGod'sword and in prayer. I cried toGod under a sense ofmygreat indigency. — I am, of late, most of all concerned for ministerialqualifications,andtheconversionoftheheathen:lastyearIlongedtobepreparedforaworldofglory,andspeedilytodepartoutofthisworld;butoflateallmyconcernalmostisfortheconversionoftheheathen;andforthatendI long to live.ButblessedbeGod, Ihave lessdesire to live for

anyofthepleasuresoftheworld,thaneverIhad.Ilongandlovetobeapilgrim; andwant grace to imitate the life, labors, and sufferings of St.Paulamongtheheathen.AndwhenI longforholinessnow, it isnotsomuch formyself as formerly; but rather that thereby Imay become an`ableminister of theNew Testament,' especially to the heathen. Spentabouttwohoursthismorninginreadingandprayerbyturns;andwasina watchful, tender frame, afraid of every thing that might cool myaffections,anddrawawaymyheartfromGod.Wasalittlestrengthenedinmystudies;butnearnightwasveryweakandweary.

"Saturday,July7.Wasverymuchdisorderedthismorning,andmyvigorall spent and exhausted: but was affect, and refreshed in reading thesweet story of Elijah's translation, and enjoyed some affection andfervency in prayer: longedmuch forministerial gifts and graces, that Imightdo something in the causeofGod.Afterwardswas refreshedandinvigorated,whilereadingMr.JosephAlleine'sfirstCaseofConscience,&c.andenabledthentopraywithsomeardorofsoul,andwasafraidofcarelessnessandself-confidence,andlongedforholiness.

"Lord'sday,July8.Wasilllastnight,notabletorestquietly.Hadsomesmall degree of assistance in preaching to the Indians; and afterwardswasenabledtopreachtothewhitepeoplewithsomepower,especiallyinthe close ofmy discourse, from Jer. iii. 23. `Truly in vain is salvationhopedforfromthehills,'&c.TheLordalsoassistedmeinsomemeasurein the firstprayer:blessedbehisname.Nearnight, thoughveryweary,wasenabledtoreadGod'swordwithsomesweetrelishofit,andtopraywithaffection,fervency,andItrustwithfaith:mysoulwasmoresensiblydependentonGod thanusual.Waswatchful, tender, and jealousofmyownheart,lestIshouldadmitcarelessnessandvainthoughts,andgrievetheblessedSpirit,sothatheshouldwithdrawhissweet,kind,andtenderinfluences.Longedto`depart,andbewithChrist,'morethanatanytimeoflate.Mysoulwasexceedinglyunitedtothesaintsofancienttimes,aswell as those now living; especially my soul melted for the society ofElijahandElisha.WasenabledtocrytoGodwithachild-likespirit,andto continue instant inprayer for some time.Wasmuchenlarged in thesweet duty of intercession:was enabled to remember great numbers ofdearfriends,andprecioussouls,aswellasChrist'sministers.Continued

inthisframe,afraidofeveryidlethought,tillIdroppedasleep.

"Monday,July9.Wasundermuch illnessofbodymostof theday;andnotable tositup thewholeday.Towardsnight felta littlebetter.ThenspentsometimeinreadingGod'swordandprayer;enjoyedsomedegreeof fervency and affection:was enabled to pleadwithGod for his causeandkingdom:and,throughdivinegoodness,itwasapparenttome,thatitwashiscauseIpleadedfor,andnotmyown;andwasenabledtomakethisanargumentwithGodtoanswermyrequests.

"Tuesday, July 10. Was very ill, and full of pain, and very dull andspiritless.—In theeveninghadanaffectingsenseofmy ignorance,&c.andofmyneedofGodatalltimes,todoeverythingforme;andmysoulwashumbledbeforeGod.

"Wednesday,July11.Wasstillexercisedwithillnessandpain.HadsomedegreeofaffectionandwarmthinprayerandreadingGod'sword:longedforAbraham'sfaithandfellowshipwithGod;andfeltsomeresolutiontospendallmytimeforGod,andtoexertmyselfwithmorefervencyinhisservice; but foundmy body weak and feeble. In the afternoon, thoughvery ill, was enabled to spend some considerable time in prayer; spentindeed most of the day in that exercise; and my soul was diffident,watchful,andtender,lestIshouldoffendmyblessedFriend,inthoughtorbehaviour.Iampersuadedmysoulconfidedin,andleanedupon,theblessed God. Oh, what need did I seemyself to stand in of God at alltimes, to assist me and leadme! -Found a great want of strength andvigor,bothintheoutwardandinnerman."

Theexercisesandexperiencesthathespeaksofinthenextninedays,areverysimilartothoseoftheprecedingdaysofthisandtheforegoingweek;a senseofhisownweakness, ignorance,unprofitableness, andvileness;loathingandabhorringhimself;self-diffidence;senseofthegreatnessofhiswork, andhis great needof divinehelp, and the extremedanger ofself-confidence;longingforholinessandhumility,andtobefittedforhiswork,andto livetoGod;andlongingfortheconversionoftheIndians;andthesethingstoaverygreatdegree.

"Saturday,July21.ThismorningIwasgreatlyoppressedwithguiltand

shame, from a sense of inward vileness and pollution. About nine,withdrewtothewoodsforprayer;buthadnotmuchcomfort;Iappearedtomyselfthevilest,meanestcreatureuponearth,andcouldscarcelylivewithmyself;someanandvileIappeared,thatIthoughtIshouldneverbeabletoholdupmyfaceinheaven,ifGodofhisinfinitegraceshouldbringmethither.TowardsnightinmyburdenrespectingmyworkamongtheIndiansbeganto increasemuch;andwasaggravatedbyhearingsundrythingsthatlookedverydiscouraging;inparticular,thattheyintendedtomeet together the next day for an idolatrous feast and dance. Then Ibegantobeinanguish:IthoughtImustinconsciencego,andendeavourtobreakthemup;andknewnothowtoattemptsuchathing.However,Iwithdrewforprayer,hopingforstrengthfromabove.AndinprayerIwasexceedingly enlarged, and my soul was as much drawn out as ever Irememberittohavebeeninmylife,ornear.Iwasinsuchanguish,andpleaded with so much earnestness and importunity, that when I rosefrommykneesIfeltextremelyweakandovercome,Icouldscarcelywalkstraight,my jointswere loosed, the sweat randownmy face andbody,andnatureseemedasif itwoulddissolve.SofarasIcouldjudge,Iwaswholly free from selfish ends in my fervent supplications for the poorIndians.Iknewtheyweremettogethertoworshipdevils,andnotGod;andthismademecryearnestly,thatGodwouldnowappear,andhelpmein my attempts to break up this idolatrous meeting. My soul pleadedlong;andIthoughtGodwouldhear,andwouldgowithmetovindicatehis own cause: I seemed to confide in God for his presence andassistance. And thus I spent the evening praying incessantly for divineassistance, and that I might not be self-dependent, but still have mywhole dependence upon God.What I passed through was remarkable,and indeed inexpressible. All things here below vanished; and thereappeared to be nothing of any considerable importance to me, butholinessofheartandlife,andtheconversionoftheheathentoGod.Allmy cares, fears, and desires, which might be said to be of a worldlynature,disappeared;andwere, inmyesteem,of littlemore importancethanapuffofwind.Iexceedinglylonged,thatGodwouldgettohimselfaname among the heathen; and I appealed to him with the greatestfreedom,thatheknewI`preferredhimabovemychiefjoy.'Indeed,Ihadnonotionofjoyfromthisworld;IcarednotwhereorhowIlived,orwhathardships I went through, so that I could but gain souls to Christ. I

continued in this frameall theeveningandnight.While Iwasasleep, Idreamedofthesethings;andwhenIwaked,(asIfrequentlydid,)thefirstthingIthoughtofwasthisgreatworkofpleadingforGodagainstSatan.

"Lord's day, July 22.When I waked,my soul was burdenedwithwhatseemedtobebeforeme.IcriedtoGodbeforeIcouldgetoutofmybed:andassoonasIwasdressed,Iwithdrewintothewoods,topouroutmyburdened soul toGod, especially for assistance inmy greatwork; for Icould scarcely thinkof any thing else. I enjoyed the same freedomandfervencyas the lastevening;anddidwithunspeakable freedomgiveupmyselfafreshtoGod,forlifeordeath,forallhardshipsheshouldcallmetoamong theheathen: and felt as ifnothing coulddiscourageme fromthisblessedwork.Ihadastronghope,thatGodwould`bowtheheavensandcomedown,'anddosomemarvellousworkamongtheheathen.AndwhenIwasridingto theIndians, threemiles,myheartwascontinuallygoinguptoGodforhispresenceandassistance;andhoping,andalmostexpecting, that God would make this the day of his power and graceamongstthepoorIndians.WhenIcametothem,Ifoundthemengagedin their frolic;but throughdivinegoodness I got them tobreakupandattend tomy preaching: yet still there appeared nothing of the specialpowerofGodamongthem.Preachedagaintothemintheafternoon;andobservedtheIndiansweremoresoberthanbefore:butstillsawnothingspecial among them; from whence Satan took occasion to tempt andbuffetmewiththesecursedsuggestions,ThereisnoGod,oriftherebe,he isnotable to convert the Indiansbefore theyhavemoreknowledge,&c.Iwasveryweakandweary,andmysoulbornedownwithperplexity;butwasmortifiedtoalltheworld,andwasdeterminedstilltowaituponGod for the conversionof theheathen, though thedevil temptedme tothecontrary.

"Monday, July 23.Retained still a deep andpressing sense ofwhat laywithsomuchweightuponmeyesterday;butwasmorecalmandquiet;enjoyedfreedomandcomposure,afterthetemptationsofthelasteveninghadsweetresignationtothedivinewill;anddesirednothingsomuchastheconversionoftheheathentoGod,andthathiskingdommightcomeinmyownheart,andtheheartsofothers.RodetoasettlementofIrishpeople,aboutfifteenmilessouth-westward;spentmytimeinprayerand

meditationbytheway.NearnightpreachedfromMatt.v.3.`Blessedarethe poor in spirit,' &c. God was pleased to afford me some degree offreedomandfervency.BlessedbeGodforanymeasureofassistance.

"Tuesday,July24.Rodeaboutseventeenmileswestwardoverahideousmountain, to a number of Indians. Got together near thirty of them:preached to them in theevening, and lodgedamong them. [34]—Wasweak,andfeltinsomedegreedisconsolate;yetcouldhavenofreedominthethoughtofanyothercircumstancesorbusinessinlife.Allmydesirewastheconversionoftheheathen,andallmyhopewasinGod.Goddoesnot sufferme toplease or comfortmyselfwithhopes of seeing friends,returningtomydearacquaintance,andenjoyingworldlycomforts."

Thenextdayhepreached to these Indians again, and then returned tothe Irish settlement, and there preached to a numerous congregation.Therewasaconsiderableappearanceofawakening in thecongregation.Thursdayhereturnedhome,exceedingly fatiguedandspent;still in thesame frame of mortification to the world, and solicitous for theadvancementofChrist'skingdom;andonthisdayhesaysthus:"Ihavefeltthisweekmoreofthespiritofapilgrimonearththanperhapseverbefore; and yet so desirous to see Zion's prosperity, that I was not sowilling to leave this scene of sorrows as I used to be." — The tworemainingdaysoftheweekhewasveryill,andcomplainsofwanderings,dullness,andwantofspiritualfervencyandsweetness.Onthesabbathhewasconfinedbyillness,notabletogoouttopreach.Afterthis,hisillnessincreaseduponhim,andhecontinuedveryillalltheweek;[35]andsays,that "he thought he never before endured such a season of distressingweakness;andthathisnaturewassospent,thathecouldneitherstand,sit, nor lie with any quiet; and that he was exercised with extremefaintness and sickness at his stomach; and that hismindwas asmuchdisordered as his body, seeming to be stupid, andwithout any kind ofaffectionstowardsallobjects;andyetperplexed,tothinkthathelivedfornothing, that precious time rolled away, and he could do nothing buttrifle:andspeaksofitasaseasonwhereinSatanbuffetedhimwithsomepeculiar temptations."— Concerning the next five days he writes thus,"OnLord's day,August 5,was still verypoor.But, though veryweak, Ivisited and preached to the poor Indians twice, and was strengthened

vastly beyond my expectations. And indeed, the Lord gave me somefreedom and fervency in addressing them; though I had not strengthenough to stand, butwas obliged to sit down thewhole time. Towardsnightwas extremelyweak, faint, sick, and full ofpain.And thus Ihavecontinuedmuch in the same state that Iwas in lastweek, through themost of this, (it being now Friday,) unable to engage in any business;frequentlyunabletoprayinthefamily.Iamobligedtoletallmythoughtsand concerns run at random; for I have neither strength to read,meditate,orpray:andthisnaturallyperplexesmymind.Iseemtomyselflikeamanthathasallhisestateembarkedinonesmallboat,unhappilygoingadrift,downaswift torrent.Thepoorownerstandson theshore,andlooks,andlamentshis loss.—But,alas! thoughmyallseemstobeadrift,andIstandandseeit,Idarenotlament;forthissinksmyspiritsmore,andaggravatesmybodilydisorders!Iamforcedthereforetodivertmyselfwithtrifles;althoughatthesametimeIamafraidandoftenfeelasif I was guilty of the misimprovement of time. And oftentimes myconscienceissoexercisedwiththismiserablewayofspendingtime,thatIhavenopeace;thoughIhavenostrengthofmindorbodytoimproveittobetterpurpose.OthatGodwouldpitymydistressedstate!"

Thenextthreeweeksafterthishisillnesswasnotsoextreme;hewasinsome degree capable of business, both public and private; although hehadsometurnswhereinhisindispositionprevailedtoagreatdegree.Healso in thisspacehad, for themostpart,muchmore inwardassistance,and strength of mind. He often expresses great longings for theenlargement of Christ's kingdom, especially by the conversion of theheathen toGod; and speaks of this hope as all his delight and joy.Hecontinuesstilltoexpresshisusuallongingsafterholiness,livingtoGod,and a sense of his own unworthiness. He several times speaks of hisappearingtohimselfthevilestcreatureonearth;andoncesays,thatheverilythoughttherewerenoneofGod'schildrenwhofellsofarshortofthatholinessandperfectionintheirobediencewhichGodrequires,ashe.He speaks of his feelingmore dead than ever to the enjoyments of theworld.Hesometimesmentionsthespecialassistancehehad, thisspaceof time, in preaching to the Indians, and of appearances of religiousconcernamong them.He speaks alsoof assistance inprayer for absentfriends,andespeciallyministersandcandidatesfortheministry;andof

muchcomfortbeenjoyedinthecompanyofsomeministerswhocametovisithim.

"Saturday, Sept. 1. Was so far strengthened, after a season of greatweakness, that I was able to spend two or three hours in writing on adivinesubject.Enjoyedsomecomfortandsweetnessinthingsdivineandsacred:andasmybodilystrengthwasinsomemeasurerestored,somysoulseemedtobesomewhatvigorous,andengagedinthethingsofGod.

"Lord'sday,Sept.2.WasenabledtospeaktomypoorIndianswithmuchconcernand fervency; and I ampersuadedGodenabledme to exercisefaithinhim,whileIwasspeakingtothem.Iperceivedthatsomeofthemwereafraid tohearken toandembraceChristianity, lest they shouldbeenchanted and poisoned by some of the powows: but Iwas enabled topleadwith themnot to fear these; and confiding inGod for safety anddeliverance,Ibidachallengetoallthesepowersofdarkness,todotheirworstuponmefirst.ItoldmypeopleIwasaChristian,andaskedthemwhythepowowsdidnotbewitchandpoisonme.Iscarcelyeverfeltmoresensible of my own unworthiness, than in this action: I saw, that thehonourofGodwasconcernedintheaffair;andIdesiredtobepreserved—notfromselfishviews,but—foratestimonyofthedivinepowerandgoodness, and of the truth of Christianity, and that God might beglorified. Afterwards I found my soul rejoice in God for his assistinggrace."

AfterthishewentajourneyintoNewEngland,andwasabsentfromtheplaceofhisabode,attheForksofDelaware,aboutthreeweeks.Hewasina feeble state the greater part of the time. But in the latter part of thejourneyhe foundhegainedmuch inhealthandstrength.Andas to thestateofhismind, andhis religiousand spiritual exercises, itwasmuchwithhimasusual inhis journeys;excepting that the frameofhismindseemedmoregenerallytobecomfortable.Butyettherearecomplaintsofsomeuncomfortableseasons,wantoffervency,andwantofretirements,and timealonewithGod. Inhis journey,hedidnot forget the Indians;butonceandagainspeaksofhislongingfortheirconversion.

"Wednesday,Sept.26.RodehometotheForksofDelaware.Whatreasonhave I to bless God, who has preserved me in riding more than four

hundredand twentymiles, andhas`keptallmybones, thatnotoneofthemhasbeenbroken!'Myhealthlikewiseisgreatlyrecovered.OthatIcoulddedicatemyalltoGod!ThisisallthereturnIcanmaketohim.

"Thursday,Sept.27.Wassomewhatmelancholy;hadnotmuchfreedomandcomfortinprayer:mysoulisdisconsolatewhenGodiswithdrawn.

"Friday,Sept.28.Spentthedayinprayer,reading,andwriting.Feltsomesmalldegreeofwarmthinprayer,andsomedesiresoftheenlargementofChrist'skingdombytheconversionof theheathen,andthatGodwouldmake me a `chosen vessel, to bear his name before them;' longed forgracetoenablemetobefaithful."

The next day he speaks of the same longings for the advancement ofChrist's kingdom, and the conversion of the Indians; but complainsgreatlyof the illeffectsof thediversionsofhis late journey,asunfixinghismind from that degree of engagedness, fervency, watchfulness, &c.whichheenjoyedbefore.Andthelikecomplaintsarecontinuedthedayafter.

"Monday, Oct. 1. Was engaged this day in making preparation for myintendedjourneytoSusquehannah:withdrewseveraltimestothewoodsforsecretduties,andendeavouredtopleadforthedivinepresencetogowithmeto thepoorpagans, towhomIwasgoing topreach thegospel.Towardsnightrodeaboutfourmiles,andmetbrotherByram;[36]whowascome,atmydesire, tobemycompanion in travel to the Indians. Irejoicedtoseehim;and,Itrust,Godmadehisconversationprofitabletome.Isawhim,asIthought,moredeadtotheworld,itsanxiouscaresandalluring objects, than Iwas; and thismademe lookwithinmyself, andgavemeagreatersenseofmyguilt,ingratitude,andmisery.

"Tuesday,Oct.2.Setoutonmy journey, incompanywithdearbrotherByram, and my interpreter, and two chief Indians from the Forks ofDelaware.Traveledabouttwenty-fivemiles,andlodgedinoneofthelasthouses on our road; after which there was nothing but a hideous andhowlingwilderness.

"Wednesday,Oct.3.Wewentonourwayintothewilderness,andfound

themostdifficultanddangeroustraveling,byfar,thateveranyofushadseen;wehadscarceanythingelsebutloftymountains,deepvalleys,andhideousrocks,tomakeourwaythrough.However,Ifeltsomesweetnessindivinethings,partoftheday,andhadmymindintenselyengagedinmeditation on a divine subject. Near night my beast that I rode uponhungoneofher legs intherocks,andfelldownunderme;but throughdivinegoodnessIwasnothurt.However,shebrokeherleg;andbeinginsuchahideousplace,andnearthirtymilesfromanyhouse,Isawnothingthatcouldbedonetopreserveherlife,andsowasobligedtokillher,andto prosecute my journey on foot. This accident made me admire thedivinegoodnesstome,thatmyboneswerenotbroken,andthemultitudeofthemfilledwithstrongpain.Justatdarkwekindledafire,cutupafewbushes and made a shelter over our heads, to save us from the frost,which was very hard that night; and committing ourselves to God byprayer,welaydownontheground,andsleptquietly."

Thenext day theywent forwardon their journey, and at night tookuptheirlodginginthewoodsinlikemanner.

"Friday, Oct. 5. We arrived at Susquehannah river, at a place calledOpeholhoupung: [37] found there twelve Indian houses: after I hadsaluted theking ina friendlymanner, I toldhimmybusiness,and thatmy desirewas to teach themChristianity. After some consultation, theIndiansgathered,andIpreachedtothem.AndwhenIhaddone,Iaskediftheywouldhearmeagain.Theyreplied,thattheywouldconsiderofit;and soon after sentmeword, that they would immediately attend, if Iwouldpreach:whichIdid,withfreedom,bothtimes.WhenIaskedthemagain,whethertheywouldhearmefurther,theyreplied,theywouldthenextday.Iwasexceedingsensibleoftheimpossibilityofdoinganythingforthepoorheathenwithoutspecialassistancefromabove:andmysoulseemed to rest onGod, and leave it to him to do as he pleased in thatwhichIsawwashisowncause:and indeed, throughdivinegoodness, Ihad felt somethingof this framemostof the timewhile Iwas travelingthither,andinsomemeasurebeforeIsetout.

"Saturday,Oct.6.RoseearlyandbesoughttheLordforhelpinmygreatwork. Near noon preached again to the Indians; and in the afternoonvisitedthemfromhousetohouse,andinvitedthemtocomeandhearme

againthenextday,andputofftheirhuntingdesign,whichtheywerejustenteringupon,tillMonday.`Thisnight,'Itrust,`theLordstoodbyme,'toencourageandstrengthenmysoul:Ispentmorethananhourinsecretretirement; was enabled to `pour out my heart before God,' for theincrease of grace in my soul, for ministerial endowments, for successamongthepoorIndians,forGod'sministersandpeople,fordistantdearfriends,&c.BlessedbeGod!"

Thenextdayhecomplainsofgreatwantoffixednessandintensenessinreligion, so that he could not keep any spiritual thought one minutewithoutdistraction;whichoccasionedanguishofspirit.Hefeltamazinglyguilty,andextremelymiserable;andcriesout,"Oh,mysoul,whatdeathitis,tohavetheaffectionsunabletocentreinGod,byreasonofdarkness,andconsequentlyrovingafterthatsatisfactionelsewhere,thatisonlytobe found here!"However, he preached twice to the Indians with somefreedomandpower;butwas afterwardsdampedby theobjections theymadeagainstChristianity.Intheevening,inasenseofhisgreatdefectsinpreaching,he"entreatedGodnotto imputetohimblood-guiltiness;"butyetwasatthesametimeenabledtorejoiceinGod.

"Monday,Oct. 8. Visited the Indianswith a design to takemy leave ofthem, supposing they would thismorning go out to hunting early; butbeyondmyexpectationandhope,theydesiredtohearmepreachagain.Igladly complied with their request, and afterwards endeavoured toanswer their objections againstChristianity. Then theywent away; andwespenttherestoftheafternooninreadingandprayer,intendingtogohomeward very early the next day. My soul was in some measurerefreshedinsecretprayerandmeditation.BlessedbetheLordforallhisgoodness.

"Tuesday,Oct.9.Weroseabout four in themorning,andcommendingourselvestoGodbyprayer,andaskinghisspecialprotection,wesetoutonourjourneyhomewardsaboutfive,andtraveledwithgreatsteadinesstillpastsixatnight;andthenmadeusafire,andashelterofbarks,andsorested.Ihadsomeclearandcomfortablethoughtsonadivinesubject,bytheway,towardsnight.—Inthenightthewolveshowledaroundus;butGodpreservedus."

Thenextday theyroseearly,andset forward,and traveled thatday tillthey came to an Irish settlement, with which Mr. Brainerd wasacquainted, and lodged there. He speaks of some sweetness in divinethings,andthankfulnesstoGodforhisgoodnesstohiminthisjourney,though attended with shame for his barrenness. On Thursday hecontinuedinthesameplace;andbothheandMr.Byrampreachedtheretothepeople.

"Friday,Oct.12.Rodehometomylodgings;whereIpouredoutmysoultoGodinsecretprayer,andendeavouredtoblesshimforhisabundantgoodnesstomeinmylatejourney.Iscarceeverenjoyedmorehealth,atleast, of later years; and God marvellously, and almost miraculously,supported me under the fatigues of the way, and traveling on foot.BlessedbetheLord,whocontinuallypreservesmeinallmyways."

OnSaturdayhewentagaintotheIrishsettlement,tospendthesabbaththere,hisIndiansbeinggone.

"Lord'sday,Oct.14.Wasmuchconfusedandperplexedinmythoughts;couldnotpray;andwasalmostdiscouraged,thinkingIshouldneverbeable topreachanymore.Afterwards,Godwaspleased togivemesomerelief from these confusions; but still I was afraid, and even trembledbeforeGod.Iwenttotheplaceofpublicworship,liftingupmyhearttoGodforassistanceandgraceinmygreatwork:andGodwasgracioustome,helpingmetopleadwithhimforholiness,andtousethestrongestargumentswithhim;drawnfromtheincarnationandsufferingsofChristforthisveryend,thatmenmightbemadeholy.AfterwardsIwasmuchassistedinpreaching.IknownotthateverGodhelpedmetopreachinamore close and distinguishing manner for the trial of men's state.ThroughtheinfinitegoodnessofGod,IfeltwhatIspoke;heenabledmeto treat on divine truth with uncommon clearness: and yet I was sosensible of my defects in preaching, that I could not be proud of myperformance,asatsometimes;andblessedbetheLordforthismercy.IntheeveningIlongedtobeentirelyalone,toblessGodforhelpinatimeofextremity;andlongedforgreatdegreesofholiness,thatImightshowmygratitudetoGod."

Thenextmorninghe spent some timebefore sun-rise inprayer, in the

samesweetandgrateful frameofmindthathehadbeenintheeveningbefore: and afterwards went to his Indians, and spent some time inteachingandexhortingthem.

"Tuesday,Oct.16.Feltaspiritofsolemnityandwatchfulness;wasafraidIshould not live to and upon God: longed for more intenseness andspirituality. Spent the day in writing; frequently lifting upmy heart toGod for more heavenly-mindedness. In the evening enjoyed sweetassistanceinprayer,andthirstedandpleadedtobeasholyastheblessedangels: longed forministerialgiftsandgraces,andsuccess inmywork:wassweetlyassistedinthedutyofintercession,andenabledtorememberandpleadfornumbersofdearfriends,andChrist'sministers."

Heseemedtohavemuchofthesameframeofmindthetwonextdays.

"Friday, Oct. 19. Felt an abasing sense of my own impurity andunholiness; and felt my soul melt and mourn, that I had abused andgrievedaverygraciousGod,whowasstillkindtome,notwithstandingallmyunworthiness.

My soul enjoyeda sweet seasonofbitter repentanceand sorrow, that IhadwrongedthatblessedGod,who,Iwaspersuaded,wasreconciledtomeinhisdearSon.Mysoulwasnowtender,devout,andsolemn.AndIwas afraid of nothing but sin; and afraid of that in every action andthought."

Thefournextdaysweremanifestlyspentinamostconstanttenderness,watchfulness, diligence, and self-diffidence. But he complains ofwanderingsofmind,languorofaffections,&c.

"Wednesday,Oct. 24.Near noon, rode tomypeople; spent some time,andprayedwiththem:felttheframeofapilgrimonearth;longedmuchtoleavethisgloomymansion;butyetfoundtheexerciseofpatienceandresignation.Andas I returnedhome from the Indians, spent thewholetime in lifting up my heart to God. In the evening enjoyed a blessedseasonaloneinprayer;wasenabledtocrytoGodwithachild-likespirit,forthespaceofnearanhour;enjoyedasweetfreedominsupplicatingformyself,fordearfriends,ministers,andsomewhoarepreparingforthat

work, and for the church of God; and longed to be as livelymyself inGod'sserviceastheangels.

"Thursday, Oct. 25. Was busy in writing. Was very sensible of myabsolutedependenceonGodinallrespects;sawthatIcoulddonothing,eveninthoseaffairsthatIhavesufficientnaturalfacultiesfor,unlessGodshouldsmileuponmyattempt.`Notthatwearesufficientofourselves,tothinkanythingasofourselves,'Isawwasasacredtruth.

"Friday, Oct. 26. In the morning my soul was melted with a sense ofdivinegoodnessandmercytosuchavileunworthyworm.IdelightedtoleanuponGod,andplacemywholetrustinhim.Mysoulwasexceedinglygrieved for sin, and prized and longed after holiness; it wounded myheartdeeply,yetsweetly,tothinkhowIhadabusedakindGod.Ilongedto be perfectly holy, that I might not grieve a gracious God; who willcontinuetolove,notwithstandinghisloveisabused!Ilongedforholinessmoreforthisend,thanIdidformyownhappiness'sake:andyetthiswasmy greatest happiness, nevermore to dishonour, but always to glorify,theblessedGod.AfterwardsrodeuptotheIndians,intheafternoon,&c."

The four next days he was exercised with much disorder and pain ofbody, with a degree of melancholy and gloominess of mind, bitterlycomplainingofdeadnessandunprofitableness,yetmourningandlongingafterGod.

"Wednesday,Oct. 31.Was sensible ofmybarrenness anddecays in thethings of God: my soul failed when I remembered the fervency I hadenjoyedatthethroneofgrace.Oh,Ithought, ifIcouldbutbespiritual,warm, heavenly-minded, and affectionately breathing after God, thiswouldbebetterthanlifetome!Mysoullongedexceedinglyfordeath,tobeloosedfromthisdullnessandbarrenness,andmadeforeveractiveintheserviceofGod.Iseemedtolivefornothing,andtodonogood:andoh, theburdenof sucha life!Oh,death,death,mykind friend,hasten,anddelivermefromdullmortality,andmakemespiritualandvigoroustoeternity!

"Thursday, Nov. 1. Had but little sweetness in divine things; butafterwards,intheevening,feltsomelife,andlongingsafterGod.Ilonged

to be always solemn, devout, and heavenly-minded; and was afraid toleaveoffpraying, lest I shouldagain losea senseof thesweet thingsofGod.

"Friday, Nov. 2.Was filledwith sorrow and confusion in themorning,and could enjoy no sweet sense of divine things, nor get any relief inprayer. Saw I deserved that every one of God's creatures should be letloose,tobetheexecutionersofhiswrathagainstme;andyetthereinsawIdeservedwhatIdidnotfearasmyportion.AboutnoonrodeuptotheIndians;andwhilegoingcouldfeelnodesiresforthem,andevendreadedtosayanythingtothem;butGodwaspleasedtogivemesomefreedomandenlargement,andmadetheseasoncomfortabletome.Intheeveninghadenlargementinprayer.But,alas!whatcomfortsandenlargementsIhavefeltforthesemanyweekspast,havebeenonlytransientandshort;and the greater part of my time has been filled up with deadness, orstruggles with deadness, and bitter conflicts with corruption. I havefoundmyselfexercisedsorelywithsomeparticularthingsthatIthoughtmyselfmostofallfreedfrom.AndthusIhaveeverfoundit,whenIhavethoughtthebattlewasover,andtheconquestgained,andsoletdownmywatch,theenemyhasrisenupanddonemethegreatestinjury.

"Saturday,Nov.3.Ireadthelifeandtrialsofagodlyman,andwasmuchwarmedbyit:Iwonderedatmypastdeadness;andwasmoreconvincedof it than ever.Was enabled to confess and bewailmy sin beforeGod,withself-abhorrence.

"Lord'sday,Nov.4.Had,Ithink,someexerciseoffaithinprayerinthemorning: longed to be spiritual.Had considerable help in preaching tomy poor Indians: was encouraged with them, and hoped that Goddesignedmercyforthem."

Thenextday[38]hesetoutonajourneytoNewYork,tothemeetingofthe Presbytery there; and was from home more than a fortnight. Heseemed to enter on his journey with great reluctance; fearing that thediversionsofitwouldproveameansofcoolinghisreligiousaffections,ashe had found in other journeys. But yet in this journey he had somespecialseasonswhereinheenjoyedextraordinaryevidencesandfruitsofGod's gracious presence. He was greatly fatigued, and exposed to cold

and storms: and when he returned from New York to New Jersey, onFriday,wastakenveryill,andwasdetainedbyhisillnesssometime.

"Wednesday,Nov.21.RodefromNewarktoRockciticusinthecold,andwas almost overcomewith it. Enjoyed some sweetness in conversationwithdearMr.Jones,whileIdinedwithhim:mysoullovesthepeopleofGod,andespeciallytheministersofJesusChrist,whofeelthesametrialsthatIdo.

"Thursday,Nov.22.CameonmywayfromRockciticustoDelawareriver.Wasverymuchdisorderedwithacoldandpaininmyhead.Aboutsixatnight I lost my way in the wilderness, and wandered over rocks andmountains, down hideous steeps, through swamps, and most dreadfulanddangerousplaces;andthenightbeingdark,sothatfewstarscouldbeseen,Iwasgreatlyexposed.Iwasmuchpinchedwithcold,anddistressedwithanextremepaininmyhead,attendedwithsicknessatmystomach;so that every step I took was distressing to me. I had little hope forseveralhourstogether,but thatImust lieout inthewoodsallnight, inthisdistressedcase.Butaboutnineo'clockIfoundahouse,throughtheabundant goodness of God, and was kindly entertained. Thus I havefrequently been exposed, and sometimes lain out the whole night; butGodhashithertopreservedme;andblessedbehisname.Such fatiguesand hardships as these serve to weanmemore from the earth; and, Itrust,willmakeheaventhesweeter.Formerly,whenIwasthusexposedto cold, rain, &c. I was ready to please myself with the thoughts ofenjoyingacomfortablehouse,awarmfire,andotheroutwardcomforts;butnow thesehave less place inmyheart, (through the grace ofGod,)andmyeyeismoretoGodforcomfort.InthisworldIexpecttribulation;anditdoesnotnow,asformerly,appearstrangetome.Idonotinsuchseasons of difficulty flatter myself that it will be better hereafter; butratherthink,howmuchworseitmightbe;howmuchgreatertrialsothersofGod's childrenhaveendured;andhowmuchgreaterareyetperhapsreserved for me. Blessed be God, that he makes the thoughts of myjourney's end and of my dissolution a great comfort to me, under mysharpest trials; and scarce ever lets these thoughts be attended withterrorormelancholy;buttheyareattendedfrequentlywithgreatjoy.

"Friday, Nov. 23. Visited a sickman; discoursed and prayedwith him.

Thenvisitedanotherhouse,wherewasonedeadandlaidout;lookedonthecorpse,andlongedthatmytimemightcometodepart,thatImightbewithChrist.Thenwenthometomy lodgings,aboutoneo'clock.Feltpoorly;butwasabletoreadmostoftheafternoon."

Withinthespaceofthenexttwelvedayshepassedundermanychangesin the frames and exercises of his mind. He had many seasons of thespecial influences of God's Spirit, animating, invigorating, andcomforting him in theways of God and the duties of religion: but hadsome turns of great dejection and melancholy. He spent much time,withinthisspace, inhardlabor,withothers,tomakeforhimselfa littlecottageorhut,toliveinbyhimselfthroughthewinter.Yethefrequentlypreached to the Indians, and speaks of special assistance he had fromtimetotime,inaddressinghimselftothem;andofhissometimeshavingconsiderable encouragement, from the attention they gave. But onTuesday, December 4, he was sunk into great discouragement, to seemostofthemgoingincompanytoanidolatrousfeastanddance,afterhehadtakenabundantpainstodissuadethemfromthesethings.

"Thursday.Dec.6.Havingnowahappyopportunityofbeingretiredinahouse of my own, which I have lately procured and moved into, andconsidering that it isnowa long time since Ihavebeenable, either onaccount of bodily weakness, or for want of retirement, or some otherdifficulty,tospendanytimeinsecretfastingandprayer;consideringalsothegreatnessofmywork,andtheextremedifficultiesthatattendit;andthatmypoorIndiansarenowworshippingdevils,notwithstandingallthepains I have taken with them, which almost overwhelms my spirit;moreover, considering my extreme barrenness, spiritual deadness anddejection,oflate;asalsothepowerofsomeparticularcorruptions;Isetapartthisdayforsecretprayerandfasting,toimploretheblessingofGodonmyself,onmypoorpeople,onmyfriends,andonthechurchofGod.AtfirstIfeltagreatbackwardnesstothedutiesoftheday,onaccountoftheseemingimpossibilityofperformingthem;buttheLordhelpedmetobreak through this difficulty.Godwas pleased, by the use ofmeans, togiveme some clear conviction ofmy sinfulness, and a discovery of theplagueofmyownheart,moreaffectingthanwhatIhaveoflatehad.Andespecially I saw my sinfulness in this, that when God had withdrawn

himself, then, insteadof livinganddying inpursuitofhim,Ihavebeendisposedtooneofthesetwothings;either,first,toyieldanunbecomingrespecttosomeearthlyobjects,as ifhappinessweretobederivedfromthem;or,secondly,tobesecretlyforwardandimpatient,andunsuitablydesirousofdeath,so thatIhavesometimes thoughtIcouldnotbear tothinkmylifemustbelengthenedout.Andthatwhichoftendrovemetothisimpatientdesireofdeath,wasadespairofdoinganygoodinlife;andIchosedeath,ratherthanalifespentfornothing.ButnowGodmademesensible of my sin in these things, and enabled me to cry to him forforgiveness. Yet this was not all I wanted; for my soul appearedexceedinglypolluted,myheartseemedlikeanestofvipers,oracageofuncleanandhatefulbirds:andthereforeIwantedtobepurified`bythebloodof sprinkling, that cleanseth fromall sin.'And this, Ihope, Iwasenabledtoprayforinfaith.Ienjoyedmuchmoreintenseness,fervency,and spirituality, than I expected; Godwas better tome thanmy fears.AndtowardsnightIfeltmysoulrejoice,thatGodisunchangeablyhappyandglorious;thathewillbeglorified,whateverbecomesofhiscreatures.I was enabled to persevere in prayer till some time in the evening; atwhich time I saw somuch need of divine help, in every respect, that Iknew not how to leave off, and had forgot that I needed food. ThiseveningIwasmuchassisted inmeditatingonIsa. lii.3.`ForthussaiththeLord,Yehavesoldyourselvesfornaught,'&c.BlessedbetheLordforanyhelpinthepastday.

"Friday,Dec.7.Spentsometimeinprayer,inthemorning;enjoyedsomefreedomandaffectionintheduty,andhadlongingdesiresofbeingmade`faithful to thedeath.'Spenta little time inwritingonadivinesubject:thenvisitedtheIndians,andpreachedtothem;butunderinexpressibledejection. Ihadnoheart tospeak to them,andcouldnotdo itbutas Iforcedmyself:Iknewtheymusthatetohearme,ashavingbut justgothomefromtheiridolatrousfeastanddevil-worship.—Intheeveninghadsomefreedominprayerandmeditation.

"Saturday,Dec.8.Havebeenuncommonlyfreethisdayfromdejection,and from that distressing apprehension, that I could do nothing: wasenabledtoprayandstudywithsomecomfort;andespeciallywasassistedinwritingonadivinesubject.IntheeveningmysoulrejoicedinGod;and

I blessed his name for shining on my soul. O the sweet and blessedchange I then felt, when God `brought me out of darkness into hismarvellouslight!'

"Lord's day, Dec. 9. Preached, both parts of the day, at a place calledGreenwich, inNewJersey, about tenmiles frommyownhouse. In thefirstdiscourseIhadscarceanywarmthoraffectionatelongingforsouls.In the intermediate season I got alone among the bushes, and cried toGodforpardonofmydeadness;andwasinanguishandbitterness,thatIcould not address souls with more compassion and tender affection. Ijudgedandcondemnedmyself forwantof thisdivine temper; though IsawIcouldnotgetitasofmyself,anymorethanIcouldmakeaworld.Inthe latter exercise, blessed be the Lord, I had some fervency, both inprayerandpreaching;andespeciallyintheapplicationofmydiscourse,Iwas enabled to address precious souls with affection, concern,tenderness,andimportunity.TheSpiritofGod,Ithink,wasthere;astheeffectswereapparent,tearsrunningdownmanychecks.

"Monday, Dec. 10. Near noon I preached again: God gave me someassistance, andenabledme tobe in somedegree faithful; so that Ihadpeace in my own soul, and a very comfortable composure, `althoughIsrael should not be gathered.' Came away from Greenwich, and rodehome;arrivedjustintheevening.BythewaymysoulblessedGodforhisgoodness; and I rejoiced, that somuch ofmyworkwas done, and I somuchnearermyblessedreward.BlessedbeGodforgracetobefaithful.

"Tuesday,Dec. 11.Feltverypoorly inbody,beingmuch tiredandwornout the lastnight.Wasassisted insomemeasure inwritingonadivinesubject: but was so feeble and sore inmy breast, that I had notmuchresolution inmywork.Oh,howI long for thatworld`where thewearyare at rest!' and yet through the goodness of God I do not now feelimpatient.

"Wednesday, Dec. 12. Was again very weak; but somewhat assisted insecret prayer, and enabledwith pleasure and sweetness to cry, `Come,LordJesus!come,LordJesus!comequickly.'Mysoul`longed forGod,for the living God.' O how delightful it is, to pray under such sweetinfluences!Ohhowmuchbetteristhis,thanone'snecessaryfood!Ihad

atthistimenodispositiontoeat,(thoughlateinthemorning,)forearthlyfood appeared wholly tasteless. O how much `better is thy love thanwine,'thanthesweetestwine!—IvisitedandpreachedtotheIndiansinthe afternoon; but undermuch dejection. Foundmy interpreter undersomeconcernforhissoul;whichwassomecomforttome;andyetfilledmewithnewcare.Ilongedgreatlyforhisconversion;liftedupmyhearttoGodforit,whileIwastalkingtohim;camehome,andpouredoutmysoultoGodforhim:enjoyedsomefreedominprayer,andwasenabled,Ithink,toleaveallwithGod.

"Thursday,Dec.13.Endeavouredtospendthedayinfastingandprayer,toimplorethedivineblessing,moreespeciallyonmypoorpeople;andinparticular,Isoughtforconvertinggraceformyinterpreter,andthreeorfourmoreundersomeconcernfortheirsouls.IwasmuchdisorderedinthemorningwhenIarose;buthavingdeterminedtospendthedayinthismanner, I attempted it.Some freedomIhad inpleading for thesepoorconcernedsouls,severaltimes;andwhenintercedingforthem,Ienjoyedgreater freedom fromwandering and distracting thoughts, than in anypartofmysupplications.But,inthegeneral,Iwasgreatlyexercisedwithwanderings;sothatintheeveningitseemedasifIhadneedtoprayfornothingsomuchasforthepardonofsinscommittedinthedaypast,andthevileness I then found inmyself.The sins Ihadmost senseof,werepride, andwandering thoughts, whereby ImockedGod. The former ofthese cursed iniquities excited me to think of writing, preaching, orconvertingheathens,orperformingsomeothergreatwork,thatmynamemightlivewhenIshouldbedead.Mysoulwasinanguish,andreadytodropintodespair,tofindsomuchofthatcursedtemper.Withthis,andthe other evil I labored under, viz. wandering thoughts, I was almostoverwhelmed, and even ready to give over striving after a spirit ofdevotion; and oftentimes sunk into a considerable degree ofdespondency,andthoughtIwas`morebrutishthananyman.'Yetafterallmysorrows,Itrust,throughgrace,thisdayandtheexercisesofithavebeenformygood,andtaughtmemoreofmycorruption,andweaknesswithoutChrist,thanIknewbefore.

"Friday,Dec.14.NearnoonwenttotheIndians;butknewnotwhattosaytothem,andwasashamedtolookthemintheface:IfeltIhadnopower

to address their consciences, and therefore had no boldness to say anything. Was, much of the day, in a great degree of despair about ever`doingorseeinganygoodinthelandoftheliving.'"

Hecontinuedunderthesamedejectionthenextday.

"Lord'sday,Dec.16.Wassooverwhelmedwithdejection,thatIknewnothowto live.I longedfordeathexceedingly:mysoulwassunkintodeepwaters,andthefloodswerereadytodrownme.Iwassomuchoppressed,thatmysoulwasinakindofhorror:couldnotkeepmythoughtsfixedinprayer, for the space of oneminute,without fluttering and distraction;and was exceedingly ashamed that I did not live to God. I had nodistressing doubt about my own state; but would have cheerfullyventured(asfarasIcouldpossiblyknow)intoeternity.WhileIwasgoingtopreachtotheIndians,mysoulwasinanguish;Iwassooverbornewithdiscouragement, that I despaired of doing any good, andwasdriven tomywit'send;Iknewnothingwhattosay,norwhatcoursetotake.Butatlast I insistedon theevidencewehaveof the truthofChristianity fromthemiraclesofChrist;manyofwhichIsetbeforethem:andGodhelpedmetomakeacloseapplicationtothosewhorefusedtobelievethetruthofwhatItaughtthem.IndeedIwasenabledtospeaktotheconsciencesofall,insomemeasure,andwassomewhatencouragedtofind,thatGodenabledmetobefaithfuloncemore.Thencameandpreachedtoanothercompany of them; but was very weary and faint. In the evening I wasrefreshed, and enabled to pray, and praise God with composure andaffection:had someenlargement and couragewith respect tomywork:waswillingtolive,andlongedtodomoreforGodthanmyweakstateofbodywouldadmitof.IcandoallthingsthroughChristthatstrengthensme;'andbyhisgrace,Iamwillingtospendandbespentinhisservice,whenIamnotthussunkindejection,andakindofdespair.

"Monday, Dec. 17.Was comfortable inmindmost of the day; andwasenabled to pray with some freedom, cheerfulness, composure, anddevotion;hadalsosomeassistanceinwritingonadivinesubject.

"Tuesday,Dec.18.WenttotheIndians,anddiscoursedtothemnearanhour,withoutanypower to comeclose to theirhearts.Butat last I feltsomefervency,andGodhelpedmetospeakwithwarmth.Myinterpreter

alsowasamazinglyassisted;andIdoubtnotbut`theSpiritofGodwasuponhim;'(thoughIhadnoreasontothinkhehadanytrueandsavinggrace,butwasonlyunderconvictionofhisloststate;)andpresentlyuponthismost of the grown persons weremuch affected, and the tears randowntheircheeks;andoneoldman(Isuppose,ahundredyearsold)wasso affected, that he wept, and seemed convinced of the importance ofwhatItaughtthem.Istaidwiththemaconsiderabletime,exhortinganddirectingthem;andcameaway,liftingupmyhearttoGodinprayerandpraise,andencouragedandexhortedmyinterpreterto`strivetoenterinat thestraitgate.'Camehome,andspentmostof theevening inprayerandthanksgiving;andfoundmyselfmuchenlargedandquickened.WasgreatlyconcernedthattheLord'swork,whichseemedtobebegun,mightbecarriedonwithpower,totheconversionofpoorsouls,andthegloryofdivinegrace.

"Wednesday,Dec.19.Spentagreatpartof theday inprayertoGodfortheoutpouringofhisSpiritonmypoorpeople;asalsotoblesshisnamefor awakening my interpreter and some others, and giving us sometokens of his presence yesterday. And, blessed be God, I had muchfreedom, five or six times in the day, in prayer and praise, and felt aweightyconcernuponmyspiritforthesalvationofthoseprecioussouls,and theenlargementof theRedeemer'skingdomamong them.MysoulhopedinGodforsomesuccessinmyministry:andblessedbehisnameforsomuchhope.

"Thursday,Dec.20.Wasenabled tovisit the throneofgrace frequentlythis day; and through divine goodness enjoyed much freedom andfervencysundrytimes:wasmuchassistedincryingformercyformypoorpeople,and feltcheerfulnessandhope inmyrequests for them.Ispentmuchofthedayinwriting;butwasenabledtointermixprayerwithmystudies.

"Friday,Dec.21.Wasenabledagaintopraywithfreedom,cheerfulness,andhope.Godwaspleasedtomakethedutycomfortableandpleasanttome; so that I delighted to persevere, and repeatedly to engage in it.Towardsnoonvisitedmypeople,andspentthewholetimeinthewaytothem inprayer, longing to see thepowerofGodamong them, as thereappearedsomethingofitthelastTuesday;andIfounditsweettorestan

hope in God. Preached to them twice, and at two distinct places: hadconsiderable freedom each time, and so hadmy interpreter. Several ofthemfollowedmefromoneplace to theother:andI thought therewassome divine influence discernible amongst them. In the evening, wasassistedinprayeragain.BlessedbetheLord."

Verymuchthesamethingsareexpressedconcerninghis inward frame,exercises, and assistances on Saturday, as on the preceding days. Heobserves, that thiswasa comfortableweek tohim.But then concludes,"OhthatIhadnoreasontocomplainofmuchbarrenness!Ohthattherewere no vain thoughts and evil affections lodgingwithinme! The Lordknows how I long for that world, where they rest not day nor night,saying,Holy,holy,holyistheLordGodAlmighty,"&c.OnthefollowingSabbath,hespeaksofassistanceandfreedominhispublicwork,butashavinglessofthesensiblepresenceofGod,thanfrequently intheweekpast;butyetsays,hissoulwaskeptfromsinkingindiscouragement.OnMonday again he seemed to enjoy very much the same liberty andfervency,throughtheday,thatheenjoyedthroughthegreaterpartoftheprecedingweek.[39]

"Tuesday,Dec.25.Enjoyedverylittlequietsleeplastnight,byreasonofbodilyweakness,andtheclosenessofmystudiesyesterday;yetmyheartwassomewhatlivelyinprayerandpraise;Iwasdelightedwiththedivineglory and happiness, and rejoiced that God was God, and that he wasunchangeablypossessedofgloryandblessedness.ThoughGodheldmyeyeswaking,yethehelpedmetoimprovemytimeprofitablyamidstmypains andweakness, in continuedmeditationsonLukexiii. 7. `Behold,these threeyears I comeseeking fruit,'&c.Mymeditationswere sweet;andIwantedtosetbeforesinnerstheirsinanddanger."

Hecontinuedinaverylowstate,astohisbodilyhealth,forsomedays;which seems to have been a great hindrance to him in his religiousexercises and pursuits. But yet he expresses some degree of divineassistance,fromdaytoday,throughtheremainingpartofthisweek.HepreachedseveraltimesthisweektohisIndians;andthereappearedstillsomeconcernamongstthemfortheirsouls.OnSaturdayherodetotheIrishsettlement,aboutfifteenmilesfromhislodgings,inordertospendthesabbaththere.

"Lord'sday,Dec.30.Discoursed,bothpartsof theday, fromMarkviii.34.`Whosoeverwillcomeafterme,'&c.Godgavemeverygreatfreedomandclearness,and(intheafternoonespecially)considerablewarmthandfervency. In the evening also had very great clearnesswhile conversingwithfriendsondivinethings:Idonotrememberevertohavehadmoreclear apprehensions of religion inmy life: but found a struggle, in theevening,withspiritualpride."

On Monday he preached again in the same place with freedom andfervency;androdehometohislodging,andarrivedintheevening,undera considerable degree of bodily illness, which continued the two nextdays.Andhecomplainsmuchofspiritualemptinessandbarrennessonthosedays.

"Thursday, Jan. 3, 1745. Being sensible of the great want of divineinfluences,andtheoutpouringofGod'sSpirit,Ispentthisdayinfastingand prayer, to seek so great a mercy for myself, my poor people inparticular, and the church of God in general. In themorningwas verylifeless in prayer, and could get scarce any sense of God. Near noonenjoyedsomesweetfreedomtopraythatthewillofGodmightineveryrespectbecomemine;andIampersuadeditwassoatthattimeinsomegooddegree.Intheafternoon,Iwasexceedingweak,andcouldnotenjoymuch fervency in prayer; but felt a great degree of dejection; which, Ibelieve,wasverymuchowingtomybodilyweaknessanddisorder.

"Friday,Jan.4.RodeuptotheIndiansnearnoon;spentsometimeundergreat disorder: my soul was sunk down into deep waters, and I wasalmostoverwhelmedwithmelancholy.

"Saturday, Jan. 5.Was able to do something atwriting; butwasmuchdisorderedwithpaininmyhead.Atnightwasdistressedwithasenseofmy spiritual pollution, and ten thousand youthful, yea, and childishfollies,thatnobodybutmyselfhadanythoughtabout;allwhichappearedto me now fresh, and in a lively view, as if committed yesterday, andmademysoulashamedbeforeGod,andcausedmetohatemyself.

"Lord'sday,Jan.6.Wasstilldistressedwithvaporydisorders.Preached

tomypoorIndians:buthadlittleheartorlife.Towardsnightmysoulwaspressed under a sense of my unfaithfulness. O the joy and peace thatarisesfromasenseof`havingobtainedmercyofGodtobefaithful!'Andoh the misery and anguish that spring from an apprehension of thecontrary!"

Hisdejectioncontinuedthetwonextdays;butnottosogreatadegreeonTuesday,whenenjoyed some freedomand fervency inpreaching to theIndians.

"Wednesday, Jan. 9. In the morning God was pleased to remove thatgloomwhichhasof lateoppressedmymind,andgaveme freedomandsweetness in prayer. I was encouraged, strengthened, and enabled toplead for grace for myself, and mercy for my poor Indians; and wassweetlyassisted inmy intercessionswithGod forothers.Blessedbehisholynameforeverandever.Amen,andAmen.Thosethingsthatoflateappearedmost difficult and almost impossible, now appeared not onlypossible, but easy. My soul so much delighted to continue instant inprayer,atthisblessedseason,thatIhadnodesireformynecessaryfood:evendreadedleavingoffprayingatall,lestIshouldlosethisspirituality,and thisblessed thankfulness toGodwhich I then felt. I feltnowquitewillingtolive,andundergoalltrialsthatmightremainformeinaworldofsorrow:butstilllongedforheaven,thatImightglorifyGodinaperfectmanner.O`come,LordJesus,comequickly.'Spentthedayinreadingalittle;andinsomediversions,whichIwasnecessitatedtotakebyreasonofmuchweakness and disorder. In the evening enjoyed some freedomandintensenessinprayer."

Thethreeremainingdaysoftheweekhewasverylowandfeebleinbody;but nevertheless continued constantly in the same comfortable sweetframe of mind, as is expressed on Wednesday. On the sabbath thissweetness in spiritualalacritybegan toabate;but stillheenjoyed somedegreeofcomfort,andhadassistanceinpreachingtotheIndians.

"Monday,Jan.14.Spentthisdayunderagreatdegreeofbodilyweaknessand disorder; and had very little freedom, either in my studies ordevotions; and in the evening, Iwasmuchdejected andmelancholy. Itpainsanddistressesme,thatIlivesomuchofmytimefornothing.Ilong

todomuchinalittletime,andifitmightbetheLord'swill,tofinishmyworkspeedilyinthistiresomeworld.IamsureIdonotdesiretoliveforanythinginthisworld;andthroughgraceIamnotafraidtolookthekingof terrors in the face. I know I shall be afraid, if God leaves me; andthereforeIthinkitalwaysmydutytolayinforthatsolemnhour.Butforaveryconsiderabletimepast,mysoulhasrejoicedtothinkofdeathinitsnearestapproaches;andevenwhenIhavebeenveryweak,andseemednearesteternity.`Notuntome,notuntome,buttoGodbetheglory.' Ifeelthatwhichconvincesme,thatifGoddonotenablemetomaintainaholy dependence upon him, death will easily be a terror tome; but atpresent,Imustsay,`Ilongtodepart,andtobewithChrist,'whichisthebestofall.WhenIaminasweetresignedframeofsoul,Iamwillingtotarryawhileinaworldofsorrow,IamwillingtobefromhomeaslongasGodseesfititshouldbeso;butwhenIwanttheinfluenceofthistemper,Iamthenapttobeimpatienttobegone.—Ohwhenwillthedayappear,thatIshallbeperfectinholiness,andintheenjoymentofGod!"

Thenextdaywasspentunderagreatdegreeofdejectionandmelancholy;which (as he himself was persuaded) was owing partly to bodilyweakness,andvaporydisorders.

"Wednesday andThursday, Jan. 16 and 17. I spentmost of the time inwriting on a sweet divine subject, and enjoyed some freedom andassistance.Was likewise enabled to praymore frequently and ferventlythan usual: and my soul, I think, rejoiced in God; especially on theevening of the last of these days: praise then seemed comely, and IdelightedtoblesstheLord.OwhatreasonhaveItobethankful,thatGodeverhelpsme to laborand study forhim!hedoesbut receivehisown,whenIamenabledinanymeasuretopraisehim,laborforhim,andliveto him. Oh, how comfortable and sweet it is, to feel the assistance ofdivinegraceintheperformanceofthedutiesGodhasenjoinedus!BlesstheLord,Omysoul."

The same enlargement of heart, and joyful frame of soul, continuedthroughthenextday.Butonthedayfollowingitbegantodecline;whichdecayseemstohavecontinuedthewholeofthenextweek:yetheenjoyedsomeseasonsofspecialandsweetassistance.

"Lord's day, Jan. 27. Had the greatest degree of inward anguish thatalmost ever I endured. I was perfectly overwhelmed, and so confused,that after I began to discourse to the Indians, before I could finish asentence, sometimes I forgot entirely what I was aiming at; or if, withmuch difficulty, I had recollected what I had before designed, still itappearedstrange,andlikesomethingIhadlongforgotten,andhadnowbutanimperfectremembranceof.Iknowitwasadegreeofdistraction,occasioned by vapory disorders, melancholy, spiritual desertion, andsomeotherthingsthatparticularlypresseduponmethismorning,withanuncommonweight,theprincipalofwhichrespectedmyIndians.Thisdistressinggloomneverwentoffthewholeday;butwassofarremoved,that I was enabled to speak with some freedom and concern to theIndians, at two of their settlements; and I think there was someappearance of the presence of God with us, some seriousness, andseeming concern among the Indians, at least a few of them. In theevening this gloom continued still, till family prayer, [40] about nineo'clock,andalmostthroughthis,untilIcameneartheclose,whenIwaspraying(asIusuallydo)fortheilluminationandconversionofmypoorpeople;andthenthecloudwasscattered,sothatIenjoyedsweetnessandfreedom, and conceived hopes that God designed mercy for some ofthem.ThesameIenjoyedafterwardsinsecretprayer;inwhichpreciousdutyIhadforaconsiderabletimesweetnessandfreedom,and(Ihope)faith, in praying for myself, my poor Indians, and dear friends andacquaintanceinNewEngland,andelsewhere,andforthedearinterestofZioningeneral.BlesstheLord,Omysoul,andforgetnotallhisbenefits."

Hespenttherestofthisweek,oratleastthemostofit,underdejectionandmelancholy; which on Friday rose to an extreme height; he beingthen,ashehimselfobserves,muchexercisedwithvaporydisorders.Thisexceeding gloominess continued on Saturday, till the evening,when hewasagainrelievedinfamilyprayer;andafter itwasrefreshedinsecret,and feltwilling to live, and endure hardships in the cause ofGod; andfound his hopes of the advancement of Christ's kingdom, as also hishopes to see the power of God among the poor Indians, considerablyraised.

"Lord's day, Feb. 3. In the morning I was somewhat relieved of that

gloom and confusion that my mind has of late been greatly exercisedwith: was enabled to pray with some composure and comfort. But,however, went tomy Indians trembling; formy soul `remembered thewormwoodandthegall'(Imightalmostsaythehell)ofFridaylast;andIwas greatly afraid I should be obliged again to drink of that cup oftrembling,whichwasinconceivablymorebitterthandeath,andmademelong for thegravemore,unspeakablymore, than forhid treasures,yea,inconceivablymore than themenof thisworld long for such treasures.ButGodwaspleasedtohearmycries,andtoaffordmegreatassistance;sothatIfeltpeaceinmyownsoul;andwassatisfied,thatifnotoneoftheIndians shouldbeprofitedbymypreaching,but shouldallbedamned,yet I should be accepted and rewarded as faithful; for I am persuadedGodenabledmetobeso.—Hadsomegooddegreeofhelpafterwards,atanotherplace;andmuch longedfor theconversionof thepoorIndians.Was somewhat refreshed, and comfortable, towards night, and in theevening. O that my soul might praise the Lord for his goodness! —Enjoyed some freedom in the evening, in meditation on Luke xiii. 24.`Strivetoenterinatthestraitgate,'&c."

Inthethreenextdayshewasthesubjectofmuchdejection;butthethreeremaining days of the week seem to have been spent with muchcomposureandcomfort.OnthenextsabbathhepreachedatGreenwichinNewJersey.Intheeveningherodeeightmilestovisitasickmanatthepointofdeath,andfoundhimspeechlessandsenseless.

"Monday,Feb.11.Aboutbreakofdaythesickmandied.Iwasaffectedatthe sight: spent themorningwith themourners: and after prayer, andsomediscoursewiththem,IreturnedtoGreenwich,andpreachedagainfromPsal.lxxxix.15.`Blessedisthepeoplethatknow,'&c.andtheLordgaveme assistance; I felt a sweet love to souls, and to the kingdom ofChrist; and longed that poor sinners might know the joyful sound.Severalpersonsweremuchaffected.AndaftermeetingIwasenabledtodiscoursewithfreedomandconcern,tosomepersonsthatappliedtomeunderspiritualtrouble.Lefttheplace,sweetlycomposed,androdehometo my house about eight miles distant. Discoursed to friends, andinculcated divine truths upon some. In the evening was in the mostsolemnframethatalmostIeverremembertohaveexperienced:Iknow

notthateverdeathappearedmorerealtome,orthateverIsawmyselfintheconditionofadeadcorpse,laidout,anddressedforalodginginthesilent grave, so evidently as at this time. And yet I felt exceedingcomfortably; my mind was composed and calm, and death appearedwithoutasting.IthinkIneverfeltsuchanuniversalmortificationtoallcreatedobjectsasnow.Oh,howgreatandsolemnathingitappearedtodie!Oh,howitlaysthegreatesthonourinthedust!Andoh,howvainandtriflingdidtheriches,honours,andpleasuresoftheworldappear!Icouldnot,Idarenot,somuchasthinkofanyofthem;fordeath,death,solemn(thoughnotfrightful)deathappearedatthedoor.Oh,Icouldseemyselfdead,andlaidout,andenclosedinmycoffin,andputdownintothecoldgrave,withthegreatestsolemnity,butwithoutterror!IspentmostoftheeveninginconversingwithadearChristianfriend;and,blessedbeGod,itwas a comfortable evening to us both. —What are friends?What arecomforts?Whataresorrows?Whataredistresses?—`Thetimeisshort:it remains, that theywhichweepbe as though theyweptnot; and theywhich rejoice, as though they rejoicednot: for the fashionof thisworldpasseth away.O come, Lord Jesus, comequickly.Amen.'—Blessed beGodforthecomfortsofthepastday.

"Tuesday, Feb. 12. Was exceeding weak; but in a sweet, resigned,composedframe,mostoftheday:feltmyheartfreelygoforthafterGodinprayer.

"Wednesday,Feb.13.Wasmuchexercisedwithvaporydisorders;butstillenabledtomaintainsolemnity,and,Ithink,spirituality.

"Thursday,Feb.14.Spentthedayinwritingonadivinesubject:enjoyedhealth,andfreedominmywork;hadasolemnsenseofdeath;asIhaveindeedhadeverydaythisweek,insomemeasure;whatIfeltonMondaylasthasbeenabiding,insomeconsiderabledegree,eversince.

"Friday,Feb.15.Wasengagedinwritingagainalmostthewholeday.Intheeveningwasmuchassistedinmeditatingonthatprecioustext,Johnvii.37.`Jesusstoodandcried,'&c. Ihadthenasweetsenseof the freegraceofthegospel;mysoulwasencouraged,warmed,andquickened.MydesiresweredrawnoutafterGod inprayer; andmysoulwaswatchful,afraidoflosingsosweetaguestasIthenentertained.Icontinuedlongin

prayerandmeditation,intermixingonewiththeother;andwasunwillingtobedivertedbyany thingatall fromsosweetanexercise. I longedtoproclaimthegraceI thenmeditatedupon, to theworldofsinners.—OhowquickandpowerfulisthewordoftheblessedGod!"

Thenextdayhecomplainsofgreatconflictswithcorruption,andmuchdiscomposureofmind.

"Lord'sday,Feb.17.Preachedtothewhitepeople(myinterpreterbeingabsent)inthewildernessuponthesunnysideofahill:hadaconsiderableassembly,consistingofpeoplewholived(atleastmanyofthem)notlessthan thirty miles asunder; some of them came near twenty miles. Idiscoursed to them, all day, from John vii. 37. `Jesus stood and cried,saying,Ifanymanthirst,'&c.IntheafternoonitpleasedGodtograntmegreatfreedomandfervencyinmydiscourse;andIwasenabledtoimitatetheexampleofChrist in the text,whostoodandcried.— I think Iwasscarce ever enabled to offer the free grace of God to perishing sinnerswith more freedom and plainness in my life. And afterwards I wasenabled earnestly to invite the childrenofGod to come renewedly, anddrinkofthisfountainofwateroflife,fromwhencetheyhaveheretoforederivedunspeakable satisfaction. Itwas a very comfortable time tome.There were many tears in the assembly; and I doubt not but that theSpiritofGodwasthere,convincingpoorsinnersoftheirneedofChrist.In the evening I felt composed, and comfortable, thoughmuch tired. Ihad some sweet sense of the excellency and glory ofGod; andmy soulrejoiced, thathewas`Godoverall,blessed forever;'butwas toomuchcrowdedwith company and conversation, and longed to bemore alonewithGod.Oh that I could for everblessGod for themercyof thisday,who`answeredmeinthejoyofmyheart.'"

The remainderof thisweek seems tohavebeenspentunderadecayofthis life and joy, and in distressing conflicts with corruption; but notwithoutsomeseasonsofrefreshmentandcomfort.

"Lord'sday,Feb.24.Inthemorningwasmuchperplexed:myinterpreterbeing absent, I knewnot how to performmywork among the Indians.However,Irodetothem,gotaDutchmantointerpretforme,thoughhewas but poorly qualified for the business. Afterwards I came and

preachedtoafewwhitepeoplefromJohnvi.67.`ThensaidJesusuntothetwelve,'&c.HeretheLordseemedtounburdenmeinsomemeasure,especially towards thecloseofmydiscourse: I felt freedomtoopen thelove of Christ to his own dear disciples. When the rest of the worldforsakes him, and are forsakenby him, that he calls themnomore, hethenturnstohisown,andsays,Willyealsogoaway?Ihadasenseofthefree grace of Christ to his own people, in such seasons of generalapostasy,andwhentheythemselvesinsomemeasurebackslidewiththeworld.OthefreegraceofChrist,thatheseasonablyremindshispeopleoftheir danger of backsliding, and invites them to persevere in theiradherence to himself! I saw that backsliding souls, who seemed to beabout to go away with the world, might return, and welcome, to himimmediately;withoutanythingtorecommendthem;notwithstandingalltheir formerbackslidings.Andthusmydiscoursewassuitedtomyownsoul's case: for, of late, I have found a great want of this sense andapprehensionofdivinegrace; andhaveoftenbeengreatlydistressed inmy own soul, because I did not suitably apprehend this `fountain topurge away sin;' and to have been toomuch laboring for spiritual life,peace of conscience, and progressive holiness, inmy own strength: butnowGodshowedme,insomemeasure,thearmofallstrength,andthefountainofallgrace.—IntheeveningI feltsolemn,devout,andsweet,restingonfreegraceforassistance,acceptance,andpeaceofconscience."

Within the space of the next nine days he had frequent refreshing,invigorating influences of God's Spirit; attended with complaints ofdullness,andwithlongingsafterspirituallifeandholyfervency.

"Wednesday,March6.SpentmostofthedayinpreparingforajourneytoNewEngland.Spentsometimeinprayer,withaspecialreferencetomyintended journey. Was afraid I should forsake the fountain of livingwaters,andattempttoderivesatisfactionfrombrokencisterns,mydearfriends and acquaintance, with whom I might meet in my journey. Ilooked toGod to keepme from this vanity, aswell as others. Towardsnight,andintheevening,wasvisitedbysomefriends,someofwhom,Itrust,wererealChristians;whodiscoveredanaffectionateregardtome,andseemedgrievedthatIwasabouttoleavethem;especiallyseeingIdidnotexpecttomakeanyconsiderablestayamongthem,ifIshouldliveto

returnfromNewEngland.[41]OhowkindhasGodbeentome!howhasheraisedupfriendsineveryplace,wherehisprovidencehascalledme!Friendsareagreatcomfort;anditisGodthatgivesthem;itishemakesthem friendly tome. `Bless theLord,Omy soul, and forgetnot all hisbenefits.'"

Thenextdayhesetoutonhisjourney;anditwasaboutfiveweeksbeforehe returned. -The special design of this journey, he himself declaresafterwards, inhisdiaryforMarch21,where,speakingofhisconversingwith a certainminister in New England, he says, "Contrived with himhowtoraisesomemoneyamongChristianfriends,inordertosupportacolleaguewithmeinthewilderness,(Ihavingnowspenttwoyears inaverysolitarymanner,) thatwemightbe together;asChrist sentouthisdisciplestwoandtwo:andasthiswastheprincipalconcernIhadinview,intakingthisjourney,soItookpainsinit,andhopeGodwillsucceedit,ifforhisglory."HefirstwentintovariouspartsofNewJersey,antvisitedseveral ministers there: then went to New York; and from thence intoNew England, going to various parts of Connecticut.He then returnedintoNewJersey;andmetanumberofministersatWoodbridge,"who,"he says, "met there to consult about the affairs of Christ's kingdom, insomeimportantarticles."Heseems,forthemostpart,tohavebeenfreefrom melancholy in this journey; and many times to have hadextraordinary assistance in public ministrations, and his preachingsometimesattendedwithveryhopefulappearancesofagoodeffectontheauditory. He also had many seasons of special comfort and spiritualrefreshment,inconversationwithministersandotherChristianfriends,andalsoinmeditationandprayerwhenalone.

"Saturday, April 13. Rode home to my own house at the Forks ofDelaware:wasenabled toremember thegoodnessof theLord,whohasnowpreservedmewhileridingfullsixhundredmilesinthisjourney;haskeptme thatnoneofmyboneshavebeenbroken.Blessedbe theLord,whohaspreservedmeinthistediousjourney,andreturnedmeinsafetytomyownhouse.Verily it isGod thathasupheldme,andguardedmygoings.

"Lord'sday,April14.Wasdisorderedinbodywiththefatiguesofmylatejourney;butwasenabledhowever topreachtoaconsiderableassembly

ofwhitepeople,gatheredfromallpartsroundabout,withsomefreedom,fromEzek.xxxiii.11.`AsIlive,saiththeLordGod,'&c.HadmuchmoreassistancethanIexpected."

This week he went a journey to Philadelphia, in order to engage thegovernortheretousehisinterestwiththechiefmanoftheSixNations,(withwhomhemaintained a strict friendship,) that hewould give himleave to live at Susquehannah, and instruct the Indians that arewithintheirterritories.[42]Inhiswaytoandfromthence,helodgedwithMr.Beaty, a young presbyterian minister. He speaks of seasons of sweetspiritualrefreshmentthatheenjoyedathislodgings.

"Saturday, April 20. Rode with Mr. Beaty to Abington, to attend Mr.Treat'sadministrationof thesacrament,accordingto themethodof thechurch of Scotland. When we arrived, we found Mr. Treat preaching;afterwardsIpreachedasermonfromMatt.v.3.`Blessedarethepoorinspirit,' &c. God was pleased to giveme great freedom and tenderness,bothinprayerandsermon:theassemblywassweetlymelted,andscoreswereallintears.Itwas,asthenIhoped,andwasafterwardsabundantlysatisfied by conversing with them, a `word spoken in season to manyweary souls.' Iwas extremely tired, andmy spiritsmuch exhausted, sothatIcouldscarcelyspeakloud;yetIcouldnothelprejoicinginGod.

"Lord'sday,April21. In themorningwascalmandcomposed,andhadsomeoutgoingsofsoulafterGodinsecretduties,andlongingdesiresofhispresenceinthesanctuaryandathistable;thathispresencemightbeintheassembly;andthathischildrenmightbeentertainedwithafeastoffat things.— In the forenoonMr. Treat preached. I felt some affectionand tenderness during the administration of the ordinance. Mr. Beatypreachedtothemultitudeabroad,whocouldnothalfhavecrowdedintothemeeting-house. In the seasonof thecommunion, Ihadcomfortableand sweet apprehensions of the blissful communion of God's people,whentheyshallmeetattheirFather'stableinhiskingdom,inastateofperfection.—IntheafternoonIpreachedabroad,tothewholeassembly,from Rev. xiv. 4. `These are they that follow the Lamb,' &c. God waspleased again to giveme very great freedom and clearness, but not somuchwarmthasbefore.However,therewasamostamazingattentioninthewholeassembly;and,asIwasinformedafterwards,thiswasasweet

seasontomany.

"Monday, April 22. I enjoyed some sweetness in retirement, in themorning. At eleven o'clockMr. Beaty preached, with freedom and life.ThenIpreached fromJohnvii.37.`In the lastday,'&c.andconcludedthesolemnity.Hadsome freedom;butnotequal towhat Ihadenjoyedbefore:yetintheprayertheLordenabledmetocry,Ihope,withachild-liketemper,withtendernessandbrokennessofheart.—CamehomewithMr. Beaty to his lodgings; and spent the time, while riding, andafterwards,veryagreeablyondivinethings.

"Tuesday,April23.LeftMr.Beaty's,andreturnedhometotheForksofDelaware:enjoyedsomesweetmeditationsontheroad,andwasenabledtoliftupmyhearttoGodinprayerandpraise."

The two next days he speaks of much bodily disorder, but of somedegreesofspiritualassistanceandfreedom.

"Friday,April26.ConversedwithaChristianfriendwithsomewarmth;and felt a spirit of mortification to the world, in a very great degree.Afterwardswasenabledtoprayfervently,andtorelyonGodsweetly,for`all things pertaining to life and godliness.' Just in the evening wasvisitedbyadearChristianfriend,withwhomIspentanhouror two inconversation,on theverysoulof religion.TherearemanywithwhomIcantalkaboutreligion;butalas!IfindfewwithwhomIcantalkreligionitself: but, blessedbe theLord, there are some that love to feedon thekernel,ratherthantheshell."

The next day he went to the Irish settlement, often beforementioned,about fifteenmiles distant; where he spent the sabbath, and preachedwith some considerable assistance. On Monday he returned, in a veryweakstate,tohisownlodgings.

"Tuesday, April 30.Was scarce able towalk about, andwas obliged tobetakemyselftobedmuchoftheday;andspentawaythetimeinaverysolitarymanner;beingneitherabletoread,meditate,norpray,andhadnonetoconversewithinthatwilderness.Oh,howheavilydoestimepassaway,when I candonothing toanygoodpurpose;but seemobliged to

pass away precious time! But of late, I have seen it my duty to divertmyselfbyall lawfulmeans,thatImaybefit,at leastsomesmallpartofmytime,tolaborforGod.Andhereisthedifferencebetweenmypresentdiversions, and those I once pursued, when in a natural state. Then Imadeagodofdiversions,delighted in themwithaneglectofGod,anddrewmyhighestsatisfactionfromthem:nowIusethemasmeanstohelpmeinlivingtoGod;fixedlydelightinginhim,andnotinthem,drawingmyhighest satisfaction fromhim.Then theyweremyall;now theyareonly means leading to my all. And those things that are the greatestdiversion when pursued with this view, do not tend to hinder butpromotemy spirituality; and I see now,more than ever, that they areabsolutelynecessary.

"Wednesday,May1.Wasnotabletositupmorethanhalf theday;andyet had such recruits of strength sometimes, that Iwas able towrite alittleonadivinesubject.WasgrievedthatIcouldnomorelivetoGod.Intheeveninghadsomesweetnessandintensenessinsecretprayer.

"Thursday,May2.Intheevening,beingalittlebetterinhealth,Iwalkedintothewoods,andenjoyedasweetseasonofmeditationandprayer.MythoughtsranuponPs.xvii.15.`IshallbesatisfiedwhenIawakewiththylikeness.'Anditwasindeedaprecioustexttome.I longedtopreachtothewholeworld;anditseemedtome,theymustneedsallbemeltedinhearingsuchpreciousdivinetruths,asIhadthenaviewandrelishof.Mythoughtswereexceedingclear,andmysoulwasrefreshed.—Blessedbethe Lord, that in my late and present weakness, now for many daystogether,mymindisnotgloomy,asatsomeothertimes.

"Friday,May3.Feltalittlevigorofbodyandmindinthemorning;hadsome freedom, strength, and sweetness in prayer. Rode to, and spentsometimewith,myIndians.Intheeveningagainretiringintothewoods,IenjoyedsomesweetmeditationsonIsa.liii.1.`YetitpleasedtheLordtobruisehim,'&c."

The three next days were spent inmuchweakness of body: but yet heenjoyedsomeassistanceinpublicandprivateduties;andseemstohaveremainedfreefrommelancholy.

"Tuesday, May 7. Spent the day mainly in making preparation for ajourneyintothewilderness.Wasstillweak,andconcernedhowIshouldperformsodifficulta journey.Spentsometime inprayer for thedivineblessing, direction, and protection inmy intended journey; butwantedbodilystrengthtospendthedayinfastingandprayer."

The next day he set out on his journey to Susquehannah, with hisinterpreter.Heenduredgreathardshipsand fatigues inhisway thitherthroughahideouswilderness;whereafterhavinglodgedonenightintheopenwoods,hewasovertakenwithanorth-easterlystorm, inwhichhewasalmostreadytoperish.Havingnomannerofshelter,andnotbeingable to make a fire in so great a rain, he could have no comfort if hestopped;thereforehedeterminedtogoforwardinhopesofmeetingwithsome shelter, without which he thought it impossible to live the nightthrough; but their horses—happening to have eat poison (forwant ofotherfood)ataplacewheretheylodgedthenightbefore—weresosickthattheycouldneitherridenorleadthem,butwereobligedtodrivethemand travel on foot; until, through the mercy of God, just at dusk theycame to a bark-hut, where they lodged that night. After he came toSusquehannah, he traveled about a hundred miles on the river, andvisitedmanytownsandsettlementsoftheIndians:sawsomeofsevenoreight distinct tribes; and preached to different nations by differentinterpreters. He was sometimes much discouraged, and sunk in hisspirits, through the opposition that appeared in the Indians toChristianity. At other times he was encouraged by the disposition thatsomeofthesepeoplemanifestedtohear,andwillingnesstobeinstructed.He here met with some that had formerly been his hearers atKaunaumeek, and had removed hither; who saw and heard him againwithgreatjoy.HespentafortnightamongtheIndiansonthisriver,andpassedthroughconsiderablelaborsandhardships,frequentlylodgingonthe ground, and sometimes in the open air; and at length he fellextremely ill, as he was riding in the wilderness, being seized with anague, followedwithaburning fever,andextremepains inhisheadandbowels,attendedwithagreatevacuationofblood;sothathethoughthemust have perished in the wilderness. But at last coming to an Indiantrader'shut,hegotleavetostaythere;andthoughwithoutphysicorfoodproper for him, it pleasedGod, after about aweek's distress, to relieve

him so far that he was able to ride. He returned homewards fromJuncauta,anislandfardowntheriver;wherewasaconsiderablenumberofIndians,whoappearedmorefreefromprejudicesagainstChristianity,thanmostof theother Indians.Hearrivedat theForksofDelawareonThursday,May30,afterhavingrodeinthisjourneyaboutthreehundredand forty miles. [43] He came home in a very weak state, and underdejection of mind; which was a great hindrance to him in religiousexercises.However,onthesabbath,afterhavingpreachedtotheIndians,hepreachedtothewhitepeoplewithsomesuccess,fromIsa.liii.10.`Yetit pleased the Lord to bruise him,' &c. some being awakened by hispreaching.Thenextdayhewasmuchexercisedforwantofspirituallifeandfervency.

"Thursday,June4.Towardseveningwas indistress forGod'spresence,and a sense of divine things:withdrewmyself to thewoods, and spentnear an hour in prayer and meditation; and I think the Lord hadcompassiononme,andgavemesomesenseofdivinethings;whichwasindeed refreshing and quickening to me. My soul enjoyed intensenessandfreedominprayer,sothatitgrievedmetoleavetheplace.

"Wednesday,June5.Felt thirstingdesiresafterGod in themorning. Intheeveningenjoyedapreciousseasonof retirement:was favouredwithsome clear and sweet meditations upon a sacred text; divine thingsopenedwithclearnessandcertainty,andhadadivinestampuponthem.My soul was also enlarged and refreshed in prayer; and I delighted tocontinue in the duty; and was sweetly assisted in praying for fellow-Christians, andmy dear brethren in the ministry. Blessed be the dearLordforsuchenjoyments.Ohowsweetandpreciousitis,tohaveaclearapprehension and tender sense of the mystery of godliness, of trueholiness,andlikenesstothebestofbeings!Owhatablessednessitis,tobeasmuch likeGod, as it ispossible for a creature tobe likehis greatCreator!Lord,givememoreofthylikeness;`Ishallbesatisfied,whenIawakewithit.'

"Thursday, June 6. Was engaged a considerable part of the day inmeditationandstudyondivinesubjects.Enjoyedsomespecialfreedom,clearness, and sweetness in meditation. O how refreshing it is, to beenabledtoimprovetimewell!"

ThenextdayhewentajourneyofnearfiftymilestoNeshaminy,toassistatasacramentaloccasion,tobeattendedatMr.Beaty'smeeting-house;beinginvitedthitherbyhimandhispeople.

"Saturday, June8.Wasexceedingweakand fatiguedwith riding in theheat yesterday: but being desired, I preached in the afternoon, to acrowded audience, from Isa. xl. 1. `Comfort ye, comfort yemy people,saith yourGod.'Godwaspleased to givemegreat freedom, inopeningthe sorrows of God's people, and in setting before them comfortingconsiderations.And,blessedbetheLord,itwasasweetmeltingseasonintheassembly.

"Lord'sday,June9.FeltsomelongingdesiresofthepresenceofGodtobewithhispeopleonthesolemnoccasionoftheday.IntheforenoonMr.Beaty preached; and there appeared some warmth in the assembly.Afterwards I assisted in the administration of the Lord's supper: andtowards the close of it, I discoursed to the multitude extempore, withsome reference to that sacred passage, Isa. liii. 10. `Yet it pleased theLord to bruise him.' Here God gaveme great assistance in addressingsinners:andthewordwasattendedwithamazingpower;manyscores,ifnot hundreds, in that great assembly, consisting of three or fourthousand,weremuchaffected;sothattherewasa`verygreatmourning,likethemourningofHadadrimmon.'—IntheeveningIcouldhardlylookany body in the face, because of the imperfections I saw in myperformancesinthedaypast.

"Monday, June 10.Preachedwith a gooddegreeof clearness and somesweetwarmth,fromPsal.xvii.15.`Ishallbesatisfied,whenIawake,withthy likeness.' And blessed be God, there was a great solemnity andattentionintheassembly,andsweetrefreshmentamongGod'speople;aswasevidentthen,andafterwards.

"Tuesday, June 11. Spent the day mainly in conversation with dearChristianfriends;andenjoyedsomesweetsenseofdivinethings.Ohowdesirableit is, tokeepcompanywithGod'sdearchildren!Thesearethe`excellentonesoftheearthinwhom,'Icantrulysay,`isallmydelight.'Owhatdelightwillitafford,tomeetthemallinastateofperfection!Lord,

preparemeforthatstate."

ThenextdayheleftMr.Beaty's,andwenttoMaidenheadinNewJersey;and spent the next seven days in a comfortable state ofmind, visitingseveralministersinthoseparts.

"Tuesday, June 18. Set out fromNew Brunswick with a design to visitsomeIndiansataplacecalledCrossweeksunginNewJersey,towardsthesea.[44]Intheafternoon,cametoaplacecalledCranberry,andmeetingwith a seriousminister, Mr.Macknight, I lodged there with him. Hadsomeenlargementandfreedominprayerwithanumberofpeople."

LastJourney

From his beginning to preach to the indians at Crossweeksung, till hereturned from his last journey to Susquehannah, IL with theconsumptionwhereofhedied.

WearenowcometothatpartofMr.Brainerd'slife,whereinhehadhisgreatestsuccess,inhislaborsforthegoodofsouls,andinhisparticularbusiness as a missionary to the Indians. An account of which, if herepublished, would doubtless be very entertaining to the reader, after hehasseen,bytheprecedingpartsofthisaccountofhislife,howgreatandlong-continued his desires for the spiritual good of this sort of peoplewere; how he prayed, labored, andwrestled, and howmuch he deniedhimself, and suffered, to this end. After allMr. Brainerd's agonizing inprayer,andtravailinginbirth,fortheconversionofIndians,andalltheinterchanges of his raised hopes and expectations, and thendisappointments and discouragements; and after waiting in a way ofperseveringprayer,labor,andsuffering,asitwerethroughalongnight;atlengththedaydawns:"Weepingcontinuesforanight,butjoycomesinthemorning.Hewentforthweeping,bearingpreciousseed,andnowhecomeswithrejoicing,bringinghissheaveswithhim."Thedesiredeventisbroughttopassatlast;butatatime,inaplace,anduponsubjects,thatscarceeverenteredintohisheart.Anaccountofthiswouldundoubtedly

now much gratify the Christian reader: and it should have been hereinserted, as it stands in his diary, had it not been, that a particularaccount of this glorious and wonderful success was drawn up by Mr.Brainerd himself, pursuant to the order of the Honourable Society inScotland, and published by him in his lifetime. I hope those of myreaders,whoarenotalreadypossessedofhispublicJournal,willprocureone of those books, that they may not be without that which in somerespects is themost remarkable, and to aChristianmindwould be themostpleasantpart,ofthewholestory.Thatthereaderwhoisfurnishedwith one of those books,may know the placewhere the defects of thishistoryaretobesuppliedfromthence,Ishalleitherexpresslyobserveitas I go along, or else make a dash or stroke thus —; which when thereaderfindsinthis7thpartofthishistory,heistounderstandbyit,thatin thatplacesomething inMr.Brainerd'sdiary,worthobserving, is leftout,becausethesameforsubstancewaspublishedbeforeinhisprintedJournal.[45]

"Wednesday,June19,1745.RodetotheIndiansatCrossweeksung:foundfew at home; discoursed to them, however, and observed them veryseriousandattentive.AtnightIwasextremelywornout,andscarceabletowalkorsitup.Oh,howtiresomeisearth!howdullthebody!

"Thursday, June20.Towardsnightpreached to the Indians again; andhadmore hearers than before. In the evening enjoyed some peace andserenityofmind,somecomposureandcomfortinprayeralone;andwasenabled to lift up my head with some degree of joy, under anapprehensionthatmyredemptiondrawsnigh.Oh,blessedbeGod, thatthereremainsaresttohispoorwearypeople!

"Friday, June 21. Rode to Freehold, to see Mr. William Tennent; andspentthedaycomfortablywithhim.Mysinkingspiritswerealittleraisedandencouraged;andI feltmysoulbreathingafterGod, in themidstofChristian conversation. And in the evening, was refreshed in secretprayer;sawmyselfapoorworthlesscreature,withoutwisdomtodirect,or strength to help myself. Oh, blessed be God, that lays me under ahappy,ablessednecessityoflivinguponhimself!

"Saturday,June22.AboutnoonrodetotheIndiansagain;andnearnight

preachedtothem.Foundmybodymuchstrengthened,andwasenabledto speak with abundant plainness and warmth. And the power of Godevidentlyattendedtheword;sothatsundrypersonswerebroughtundergreatconcernfortheirsouls,andmadetoshedmanytears,andtowishforChrist tosave them.Mysoulwasmuchrefreshed,andquickened inmywork: and I couldnot but spendmuch timewith them, in order toopenboththeirmiseryandremedy.Thiswasindeedasweetafternoontome.Whileriding,beforeIcametotheIndians,myspiritswererefreshed,andmy soul enabled to cry to God almost incessantly, formanymilestogether. In the evening also I found the consolations ofGodwere notsmall:Iwasthenwillingtolive,andinsomerespectsdesirousofit,thatImight do something for the dear kingdom of Christ; and yet deathappearedpleasant:sothatIwasinsomemeasureinastraitbetweentwo,having a desire to depart. I am oftenweary of thisworld, andwant toleave it on that account; but it is desirable to be drawn, rather thandriven,outofit."

Inthefournextdaysisnothingremarkableinhisdiary,butwhatisinhispublicJournal.

"Thursday,June27.—Mysoulrejoicedtofind,thatGodenabledmetobefaithful,andthathewaspleasedtoawakenthesepoorIndiansbymymeans.O how heart-reviving and soul-refreshing is it tome to see thefruitofmylabors!

"Friday,June28.Intheeveningmysoulwasrevived,andmyheartliftedup toGod inprayer, formypoor Indians,myself, and friends, and thedearchurchofGod.AndOhowrefreshing,howsweetwasthis!BlesstheLord,Omysoul,andforgetnothisgoodnessandtendermercy.

"Saturday, June 29. Preached twice to the Indians; and could not butwonder at their seriousness, and the strictness of their attention. —Blessed be God that has inclined their hearts to hear. And O howrefreshingitistome,toseethemattendwithsuchuncommondiligenceandaffection,withtearsintheireyes,andconcernintheirhearts!Intheeveningcouldnotbut liftupmyheart toGod inprayer,whileriding tomy lodgings; and blessed be his name, had assistance and freedom. OhowmuchbetterthanlifeisthepresenceofGod!"

Hisdiarygivesanaccountofnothingremarkableonthe twonextdays,besideswhatisinhispublicJournal;exceptinghisheartbeingliftedupwiththankfulness,rejoicinginGod,&c.

"Tuesday,July2.RodefromtheIndianstoBrunswick,nearfortymiles,andlodgedthere.FeltmyheartdrawnoutafterGodinprayer,almostalltheforenoon;especiallywhileriding.Andintheevening,couldnothelpcryingtoGodfor thosepoorIndians;andafterIwent tobed,myheartcontinuedtogoouttoGodforthem,tillIdroppedasleep.OblessedbeGodthatImaypray!"

Hewas so fatigued by constant preaching to these Indians, yielding totheirearnestandimportunatedesires,thathefounditnecessarytogivehimselfsomerelaxation.HespentthereforeaboutaweekinNewJersey,after he left these Indians, visiting several ministers, and performingsomenecessarybusiness,beforehewent to theForksofDelaware.Andthoughhewas veryweak inbody, yethe seems tohavebeen strong inspirit. On Friday, July 12, he arrived at his own house in the Forks ofDelaware; continuing still free from melancholy; from day to day,enjoyingfreedom,assistance,andrefreshmentintheinnerman.ButonWednesday, the next week, he seems to have had some melancholythoughts about his doing so little for God, being somuch hindered byweaknessofbody.

"Thursday,July18.LongedtospendthelittleinchoftimeIhaveintheworldmore forGod.Felt a spiritof seriousness, tenderness, sweetness,and devotion; and wished to spend the whole night in prayer andcommunionwithGod.

"Friday,July19.Intheeveningwalkedabroadforprayerandmeditation,andenjoyedcomposureandfreedominthesesweetexercises;especiallyinmeditationonRev.iii.12.`HimthatovercomethwillImakeapillarinthetempleofmyGod,'&c.Thiswasthenadelightfulthemetome,anditrefreshedmysoultodwelluponit.Oh,whenshallIgonomoreoutfromthe service and enjoyment of the dear Lord! Lord, hasten the blessedday."

Within the space of the next six days he speaks of much inward

refreshmentandenlargement,fromtimetotime.

"Friday, July26. In the eveningGodwaspleased tohelpme inprayer,beyondwhat I have experienced for some time; especiallymy soulwasdrawn out for the enlargement of Christ's kingdom, and for theconversion of my poor people: and my soul relied on God for theaccomplishmentofthatgreatwork.Oh,howsweetwerethethoughtsofdeath to me at this time! Oh, how I longed to be with Christ, to beemployed in the gloriouswork of angels, andwith an angel's freedom,vigor,anddelight!AndyethowwillingwasItostayawhileonearth,thatImightdosomething, if theLordpleased, forhis interest in theworld!My soul,my very soul, longed for the ingathering of the poor heathen;andIcriedtoGodfor themmostwillinglyandheartily; Icouldnotbutcry.Thiswasasweetseason;forIhadsomelivelytasteofheaven,andatemper of mind suited in some measure to the employments andentertainmentsofit.Mysoulwasgrievedtoleavetheplace;butmybodywasweakandwornout,and itwasnearnineo'clock.Oh, I longed thattheremainingpartofmylifemightbefilledupwithmorefervencyandactivityinthethingsofGod!Ohtheinwardpeace,composure,andGod-likeserenityofsuchaframe!heavenmustneedsdifferfromthisonlyindegree,andnotinkind.Lord,evergivemethisbreadoflife."

Muchofthisframeseemedtocontinuethenextday.

"Lord'sday, July28. In the eveningmy soulwasmelted, andmyheartbroken,withasenseofpastbarrennessanddeadness:andoh,howIthenlongedtolivetoGod,andbringforthmuchfruittohisglory!

"Monday,July29.Wasmuchexercisedwithasenseofvileness,withguiltandshamebeforeGod."

For other things remarkable, while he was this time at the Forks ofDelaware, the reader must be referred to his public Journal. AsparticularlyforhislaborsandsuccessthereamongtheIndians.

OnWednesday,July31,hesetoutonhisreturntoCrossweeksung,andarrivedtherethenextday.Inhiswaythither,hehadlongingdesiresthathemightcometotheIndiansthere,inthe`fulnessoftheblessingofthe

gospel of Christ;' attended with a sense of his own great weakness,dependence,andworthlessness.

"Friday,Aug.2. In theeveningIretired,andmysoulwasdrawnout toprayer toGod;especially formypoorpeople, towhomIhadsentwordthattheymightgathertogether,thatImightpreachtothemthenextday.Iwasmuchenlarged inpraying for their saving conversion; and scarceeverfoundmydesiresofanythingofthisnaturesosensiblyandclearly(to my own satisfaction) disinterested, and free from selfish views. ItseemedtomeIhadnocare,orhardlyanydesire,tobetheinstrumentofsogloriousawork,asIwishedandprayedforamongtheIndians:iftheblessed work might be accomplished to the honour of God, and theenlargementofthedearRedeemer'skingdom,thiswasallmydesireandcare;andforthismercyIhoped,butwithtrembling;forIfeltwhatJobexpresses, chap. ix. 16. `If I had called, and he had answered,' &c.Myrisinghopes,respectingtheconversionoftheIndians,havebeensooftendashed, thatmy spirit is as it were broken, and couragewasted, and Ihardlydarehope."

Concerninghis labors andmarvellous success amongst the Indians, forthe following tendays, let the reader seehispublicJournal.The thingsworthy of note in his diary, not there published, are his earnest andimportunateprayersfortheIndians,andthetravailofhissoulforthemfrom day to day; and his great refreshment and joy in beholding thewonderfulmercy of God, and the gloriousmanifestations of his powerandgraceinhisworkamongthem;andhisardentthanksgivingstoGod;hisheartrejoicinginChrist,asKingofhischurch,andKingofhissoul:inparticular, at the sacrament of the Lord's supper at Mr. Macknight'smeeting-house;togetherwithasenseofhisownexceedingunworthiness,whichsometimeswasattendedwithdejectionandmelancholy.

"Monday,Aug. 19.—Nearnoon, I rode toFreehold, andpreached toaconsiderableassembly, fromMatt. v.3. `Blessedare thepoor in spirit,'&c.ItpleasedGodtoleavemetobeverydryandbarren;sothatIdonotremembertohavebeensostraitenedforawholetwelvemonthpast.Godisjust,andhehasmademysoulacquiesceinhiswillinthisregard.Itiscontrary to flesh and blood, to be cut off from all freedom, in a largeauditory,wheretheirexpectationsweremuchraised:butso itwaswith

me;andGodhelpedmetosayAmentoit;`GoodisthewilloftheLord.'IntheeveningIfeltquietandcomposed,andhadfreedomandcomfortinsecretprayer.

"Tuesday, Aug. 20.Was composed and comfortable, still in a resignedframe.TraveledfromMr.Terment'sinFreeholdtoElizabeth-town.Wasrefreshedtoseefriends,andrelatetothemwhatGodhaddone,andwasstilldoing,amongmypoorpeople.

"Wednesday, Aug. 21. Spent the forenoon in conversation with Mr.Dickinson, contriving something for the settlement of the Indianstogether in a body, that they might be under better advantages forinstruction. In the afternoon spent time agreeably with other friends;wrotetomybrotheratcollege:butwasgrievedthattimeslidaway,whileIdidsolittleforGod.

"Friday,Aug.23.Inthemorningwasveryweak;butfavouredwithsomefreedom and sweetness in prayer: was composed and comfortable inmind.AfternoonrodetoCrossweeksungtomypoorpeople.

"Saturday,Aug.24.—Hadcomposureandpeace,whileridingfromtheIndianstomylodgings:wasenabledtopouroutmysoultoGodfordearfriendsinNewEngland.Feltasweettenderframeofspirit:mysoulwascomposedandrefreshed inGod.Had likewise freedomandearnestnessinprayingformydearpeople:blessedbeGod.`OthepeaceofGodthatpassethallunderstanding!'Itisimpossibletodescribethesweetpeaceofconscience, and tenderness of soul, I then enjoyed. O the blessedforetastesofheaven!

"Lord'sday,Aug.25.—Irodetomylodgingsintheevening,blessingtheLord for his gracious visitation of the Indians, and the soul-refreshingthingsIhadseenthedaypastamongstthem,andprayingthatGodwouldstillcarryonhisdivineworkamongthem.

"Monday,Aug.26.—Iwent fromthe Indians tomy lodgings, rejoicingforthegoodnessofGodtomypoorpeople;andenjoyedfreedomofsoulinprayer,andotherduties,intheevening.BlesstheLord,Omysoul."

The next day he set out on a journey towards the Forks of Delaware,designing to go from thence to Susquehannah, before he returned toCrossweeksung.ItwasfivedaysfromhisdeparturefromCrossweeksung,beforehereachedtheForks,goingroundbythewayofPhiladelphia,andwaitingonthegovernorofPennsylvania,togetarecommendationfromhimtothechiefsof theIndians;whichheobtained.Hespeaksofmuchcomfortandspiritualrefreshmentinthisjourney;andalsoasenseofhisexceedingunworthiness,thinkinghimselfthemeanestcreaturethateverlived.

"Lord'sday,Sept.1.[AttheForksofDelaware]—Godgavemethespiritof prayer, and itwas a blessed season in that respect.My soul cried toGod formercy, in an affectionatemanner. In the evening alsomy soulrejoicedinGod."

Hisprivatediaryhasnothingremarkable,forthetwonextdays,butwhatisinhispublicJournal.

"Wednesday, Sept. 4. Rode fifteen miles to an Irish settlement, andpreached there from Luke xiv. 22. `And yet there is room.' God waspleased to afford me some tenderness and enlargement in the firstprayer, andmuch freedom, as well as warmth, in sermon. There weremanytearsintheassembly:thepeopleofGodseemedtomelt,andotherstobe insomemeasureawakened.Blessedbe theLord, that letsmeseehisworkgoingoninoneplaceandanother."

The account for Thursday is the same for substance as in his publicJournal.

"Friday, Sept. 6. Enjoyed some freedom and intenseness of mind inprayeralone;andlongedtohavemysoulmorewarmedwithdivineandheavenlythings.Wassomewhatmelancholytowardsnight,andlongedtodie and quit a scene of sin and darkness; butwas a little supported inprayer."

Thismelancholycontinuedthenextday.

"Lord's day, Sept. 8. In the eveningGodwas pleased to enlargeme in

prayer,andgivemefreedomatthethroneofgrace.IcriedtoGodfortheenlargement of his kingdom in theworld, and in particular amongmydear people; was also enabled to pray for many dear ministers of myacquaintance,bothinthesepartsandinNewEngland;andalsoforotherdearfriendsinNewEngland.Andmysoulwassoengagedandenlargedinthesweetexercise,thatIspentnearanhourinit,andknewnothowtoleavethemercy-seat.On,howIdelightedtoprayandcrytoGod!IsawGod was both able and willing to do all that I desired, formyself andfriends, and his church in general. I was likewise much enlarged andassistedinfamilyprayer.Andafterwards,whenIwasjustgoingtobed,Godhelpedmetorenewmypetitionswithardencyandfreedom.Oh, itwastomeablessedeveningofprayer!BlesstheLord,Omysoul."

The next day he set out from the Forks of Delaware to go toSusquehannah. And on the fifth day of his journey he arrived atShaumoking,alargeIndiantownonSusquehannahriver.Heperformedthejourneyunderaconsiderabledegreeofmelancholy.

"Saturday, Sept. 14. At [Shaumoking] — In the evening my soul wasenlargedandsweetlyengagedinprayer;especiallythatGodwouldsetuphiskingdominthisplace,wherethedevilnowreignsinthemosteminentmanner.AndIwasenabledtoaskthisforGod,forhisglory,andbecauseI longed for the enlargementofhis kingdom, to thehonourofhisdearname. I couldappeal toGodwith thegreatest freedom, thatheknew itwashisdearcause,andnotmyown,thatengagedmyheart:andmysoulcried,`Lord,setupthykingdom,forthineownglory.Glorifythyself;andIshallrejoice.Gethonourtothyblessedname;andthisisallIdesire.Dowithmejustwhatthouwilt.Blessedbethynameforever,thatthouartGod, and that thou wilt glorify thyself. O that the whole world mightglorify thee!O let thesepoorpeoplebebrought toknow thee, and lovethee,forthegloryofthydearever-blessedname!"Icouldnotbuthope,thatGodwouldbring in thesemiserable,wicked Indians; though thereappeared littlehumanprobability of it; for theywere thendancingandreveling, as if possessed by the devil. But yet I hoped, though againsthope,thatGodwouldbeglorified,andthathisnamewouldbeglorifiedbythesepoorIndians.IcontinuedlonginprayerandpraisetoGod;andhad great freedom, enlargement, and sweetness, remembering dear

friendsinNewEngland,aswellasthepeopleofmycharge.Wasentirelyfree from that dejection of spiritwithwhich I am frequently exercised.BlessedbeGod!"

His diary from this time to Sept. 22, (the last day of his continuanceamong the Indians at Susquehannah,) is not legible, by reason of thebadnessoftheink.Itwasprobablywrittenwiththejuiceofsomeberriesfound in thewoods,havingnoother ink in thatwilderness. So that forthis space of time the reader must be wholly referred to his publicJournal.

OnMonday,Sept.23,helefttheIndians,inordertoreturntotheForksofDelaware, inaveryweakstateofbody,andunderdejectionofmind,whichcontinuedthetwofirstdaysofhisjourney.

"Wednesday, Sept. 25. Rode still homeward. In the forenoon enjoyedfreedomandintensenessofmindinmeditationonJobxlii.5,6.`Ihaveheard of thee by the hearing of the ear; but nowmine eye seeth thee:whereforeIabhormyself,andrepent industandashes.'TheLordgavemeclearnesstopenetrateintothesweettruthscontainedinthattext.Itwasacomfortableandsweetseasontome.

"Thursday,Sept.26.Wasstillmuchdisorderedinbody,andabletoridebut slowly. Continuedmy journey, however. Near night, arrived at theIrish settlement, about fifteen miles from mine own house. This day,while riding, Iwasmuch exercisedwith a senseofmybarrenness; andverily thought therewas no creature that had any true grace, butwhatwas more spiritual and fruitful. I could not think that any of God'schildrenmadesopoorahandoflivingtoGod.

"Friday,Sept.27.SpentaconsiderabletimeinthemorninginprayerandpraisetoGod.Mymindwassomewhatintenseintheduty,andmyheartinsomedegreewarmedwithasenseofdivinethings.Mysoulwasmeltedto think that `God had accounted me faithful, putting me into theministry,'notwithstandingallmybarrennessanddeadness.Mysoulwasalsoinsomemeasureenlargedinprayerforthedearpeopleofmycharge,aswellasforotherdearfriends.IntheafternoonvisitedsomeChristianfriends, and spent the time, I think, profitably:my heart waswarmed,

and more engaged in the things of God. In the evening I enjoyedenlargement,warmth,andcomfort inprayer:mysoulreliedonGodforassistanceandgracetoenablemetodosomethinginhiscause;myheartwasdrawnoutinthankfulnesstoGodforwhathehaddoneforhisowngloryamongmypoorpeopleof late. I feltencouraged toproceed inhiswork,beingpersuadedofhispower,andhopinghisarmmightbefurtherrevealed,fortheenlargementofhisdearkingdom:andmysoul`rejoicedinhopeofthegloryofGod,'inhopeoftheadvancementofhisdeclarativeglory in the world, as well as of enjoying him in a world of glory. Oh,blessedbeGod,thelivingGod,forever!"

Hecontinuedinthiscomfortable,sweetframeofmindthetwonextdays.Onthedayfollowinghewenttohisownhouse,intheForksofDelaware,andcontinuedstillinthesameframe.Thenextday,whichwasTuesday,he visited his Indians. — Wednesday he spent mostly in writing themeditationshehadinhislatejourneyinSusquehannah.OnThursdayheleft theForksofDelaware, and traveled towardsCrossweeksung,wherehearrivedonSaturday,(October5,)andcontinuedfromdaytodayinacomfortablestateofmind.Thereisnothingmaterialinhisdiaryforthisdayandthenext,butwhatisinhisprintedJournal.

"Monday,Oct.7.BeingcalledbythechurchandpeopleofEastHamptononLongIsland,asamemberofacouncil,toassistandadviseinaffairsofdifficulty inthatchurch,Isetoutonmyjourneythismorning,before itwaswelllight,andtraveledtoElizabeth-town,andtherelodged.Enjoyedsomecomfortontheroad, inconversationwithMr.Wm.Tennent,whowassentforonthesamebusiness."

He prosecuted his journeywith the otherministerswhowere sent for;and did not return till Oct. 24. While he was at East Hampton, theimportance of the business that the council were come upon, lay withsuch weight on his mind, and he was so concerned for the interest ofreligion in that place, that he slept but little for several nightssuccessively. In hisway to and fro fromEastHampton, he had severalseasons of sweet refreshment, wherein his soul was enlarged andcomforted with divine consolations, in secret retirement; and he hadspecialassistanceinpublicministerialperformancesinthehouseofGod:and yet, at the same time, a sense of extreme vileness and

unprofitableness.From time to timehe speaksof soul-refreshmentandcomfort in conversationwith theministers that traveledwith him; andseemstohavelittleornothingofmelancholy,tillhecometothewestendofLongIsland,inhisreturn.Afterthathewasoppressedwithdejectionandgloominessofkind,forseveraldaystogether.—Foranaccountofthefourfirstdaysafterhisreturnfromhisjourney,IreferthereadertohispublicJournal.

"Monday,Oct.28.Hadaneveningofsweetrefreshing;mythoughtswereraised to ablessed eternity;my soulwasmeltedwithdesires of perfectholiness,andperfectlyglorifyingGod.

"Tuesday, Oct. 29. About noon rode and viewed the Indian lands atCranberry:wasmuchdejected,andgreatlyperplexedinmind;knewnothowtoseeanybodyagain,mysoulwassosunkwithinme.Ohthatthesetrialsmightmakememorehumbleandholy.OhthatGodwouldkeepmefromgivingwaytosinfuldejection,whichmayhindermyusefulness.

"Wednesday, Oct. 30. My soul was refreshed with a view of thecontinuanceofGod'sblessedworkamongtheIndians.

"Thursday,Oct.31.Spentmostof theday inwriting:enjoyednotmuchspiritualcomfort;butwasnotsomuchsunkwithmelancholyasatsomeothertimes."

Friday,Nov.1.SeethepublicJournal.

"Saturday,Nov.2.SpentthedaywiththeIndians,andwrotesomethingsofimportance;andlongedtodomoreforGodthanIdidorcoulddointhispresentandimperfectstate."

Nov. 3, and 4. See the public Journal. — Tuesday, Nov. 5. He left theIndians,andspenttheremainingpartofthisweekintravelingtovariouspartsofNewJersey,inordertogetacollectionfortheuseoftheIndians,andtoobtainaschoolmastertoinstructthem.Andinthemeantimehespeaks of very sweet refreshment and entertainment with Christianfriends,andofhisbeingsweetlyemployed,whileriding,inmeditationondivine subjects; his heart being enlarged, his mind clear, his spirit

refreshedwithdivinetruths,andhis"heartburningwithinhim,whilehewentbythewayandtheLordopenedtohimtheScriptures."

"Lord's day, Nov. 10. [At Elizabeth-town.] Was comfortable in themorning,bothinbodyandmind:preachedintheforenoonfrom2Cor.v.20. `Now thenweare ambassadors forChrist,'&c.Godwaspleased togivemefreedomandfervencyinmydiscourse;andthepresenceofGodseemed to be in the assembly; numbers were affected, and there weremany tears among them. In the afternoonpreached fromLuke xiv. 22.`Andyetthereisroom.'Wasfavouredwithdivineassistanceinthefirstprayer,andpouredoutmysoultoGodwithafilialtemperofmind;thelivingGodalsoassistedmeinthesermon."

Thenextdayhewent toNew-townonLongIsland, toameetingof thePresbytery.Hespeaksofsomesweetmeditationshehadwhilethere,on"Christdeliveringup thekingdom to theFather;" andofhis soulbeingmuchrefreshedandwarmedwiththeconsiderationofthatblissfulday.

"Friday,Nov.15.Couldnotcrosstheferrybyreasonoftheviolenceofthewind;norcouldIenjoyanyplaceofretirementattheferry-house;sothatIwasinperplexity.YetGodgavemesomesatisfactionandsweetnessinmeditation,and in liftingupmyheart tohim in themidstof company.And although some were drinking and talking profanely, which wasindeedagrieftome,yetmymindwascalmandcomposed.AndIcouldnot but bless God, that I was not like to spend an eternity in suchcompany. In the evening I sat down and wrote with composure andfreedom;andcansay(throughpuregrace)itwasacomfortableeveningtomysoul,aneveningIwasenabledtospendintheserviceofGod.

"Saturday, Nov. 16. Crossed the ferry about ten o'clock; arrived atElizabeth-townnearnight.Wasinacalm,composedframeofmind,andfeltanentireresignationwithrespecttoalossIhadlatelysustained, inhavingmyhorsestolenfrommethelastWednesdaynight,atNew-town.Had some longings of soul for the dear people of Elizabeth-town, thatGodwouldpourouthisSpirituponthem,andrevivehisworkamongstthem."

HespentthefournextdaysatElizabeth-town,forthemostpartinafree

andcomfortable stateofmind, intenselyengaged in theserviceofGod,and enjoying, at some times, the special assistances of his Spirit. OnThursday, this week, he rode to Freehold, and spent the day underconsiderabledejection.

"Friday, Nov. 22. Rode to Mr. Tennent's, and from thence toCrossweeksung.Hadbutlittlefreedominmeditation,whileriding;whichwas a grief andburden tomy soul.Oh that I could fill up allmy time,whetherinthehouseorbytheway,forGod!Iwasenabled,Ithink,thisday to give upmy soul to God, and put over all my concerns into hishands;andfoundsomerealconsolationinthethoughtofbeingentirelyat thedivinedisposal, andhavingnowillor interestofmyown. Ihavereceivedmyall fromGod;oh that I could returnmyall toGod!SurelyGodisworthyofmyhighestaffection,andmostdevoutadoration;heisinfinitelyworthy,thatIshouldmakehimmylastend,andliveforevertohim.OhthatImightnevermore,inanyoneinstance,livetomyself!

"Saturday,Nov. 23.Visitedmypeople; spent the daywith them:wrotesome things of importance. But was prettymuch dejectedmost of theday."

There is nothing verymaterial in his diary for the four next days, butwhatisalsoinhispublicJournal."

"Thursday,Nov.28.—Ienjoyedsomedivinecomfortandfervencyinthepublic exercise, and afterwards. And while riding to my lodgings, wasfavouredwithsomesweetmeditationsonLukeix.31.`Whoappearedinglory, and spake of his decease, which he should accomplish atJerusalem.' My thoughts ran with freedom, and I saw and felt what aglorioussubjectthedeathofCHRISTisforglorifiedsoulstodwelluponintheirconversation.Oh,thedeathofCHRIST!howinfinitelyprecious!"

Forthethreenextdays,seethepublicJournal.

"Monday,Dec.2.Wasmuchaffectedwithgrief,thatIhadnotlivedmoretoGod;andfeltstrongresolutionstodoublemydiligenceinmyMaster'sservice."

AfterthishewenttoameetingofthePresbyteryataplaceinNewJerseycalledConnecticut-Farms;whichoccasionedhisabsencefromhispeoplethe remainder of this week. He speaks of some seasons of sweetness,solemnity, and spiritual affection in his absence.— Lord's day, Dec. 8.SeehispublicJournal.

"Monday,Dec.9.Spentmostofthedayinprocuringprovisions,inorderto my setting up house-keeping among the Indians. Enjoyed littlesatisfactionthroughtheday,beingmuchoutofmyelement.

"Tuesday, Dec. 10. Was engaged in the same business as yesterday.Towardsnight,gotintomyownhouse.[46]

"Wednesday, Dec. 11. Spent the forenoon in necessary labor about myhouse. In theafternoon,rodeoutuponbusiness,andspent theeveningwith some satisfaction among friends in conversation on a serious andprofitablesubject."

Thursday,Dec.12.SeehispublicJournal.

"Friday,Dec. 13.Spent thedaymainly in laboraboutmyhouse. In theevening, spent some time in writing; but was very weary, and muchoutdonewiththelaboroftheday.

"Saturday, Dec. 14. Rose early, and wrote by candlelight someconsiderable time: spentmostof theday inwriting;butwas somewhatdejected.Intheeveningwasexercisedwithapaininmyhead."

ForthetwonextdaysseehispublicJournal.Theremainderofthisweekhe spent chiefly in writing: some part of the time under a degree ofmelancholy;butsomepartofitwithasweetardencyinreligion.

"Saturday,Dec.21.AftermylaborswiththeIndians,Ispentsometimeinwritingsomethingsdivineandsolemn;andwasmuchweariedwiththelaborsoftheday;foundthatmyspiritswereextremelyspent,andthatIcould tonomore. I amconscious tomyself thatmy laborsareasgreatandconstantasmynaturewillbear,andthatordinarilyIgototheextentofmystrength;sothatIdoallIcan:butthemiseryis,Idonotlaborwith

thatheavenlytemper,thatsingleeyetothegloryofGod,thatIlongfor."

Lord'sday,Dec.22.SeethepublicJournal.

"MondayandTuesday,Dec.23and24.Spentthesedaysinwriting,withtheutmostdiligence.Feltinthemainasweetmortificationtotheworld,andadesiretoliveandlaboronlyforGod;butwantedmorewarmthandspirituality,amoresensibleandaffectionateregardtogloryofGod."

Wednesday,Dec.25.SeethepublicJournal.

"Thursday and Friday, Dec. 26 and 27. Labored in my studies, to theutmostofmystrength;andthoughIfeltasteadydispositionofmindtolivetoGod,andthatIhadnothinginthisworldtolivefor;yetIdidnotfindthatsensibleaffection in theserviceofGod, thatIwantedtohave;myheartseemedbarren,thoughmyheadandhandswerefulloflabor."

ForthefournextdaysseehispublicJournal.[47]

"Wednesday,Jan.1,1746.Iamthisdaybeginninganewyear;andGodhas carriedme throughnumerous trials and labors in thepast.Hehasamazinglysupportedmyfeebleframe;for`havingobtainedhelpofGod,Icontinuetothisday.'OthatImightlivenearertoGodthisyearthanIdidthelast!ThebusinesstowhichIhavebeencalled,andwhichIhavebeenenabledtogothrough,Iknow,hasbeenasgreatasnaturecouldbearupunder, and what would have sunk and overcome me quite, withoutspecial support. But alas, alas! though I have done the labors, andendured the trials,withwhat spirithave Idone theone, andborne theother?howcoldhasbeentheframeofmyheartoftentimes!andhowlittlehaveIsensiblyeyedthegloryofGod, inallmydoingsandsufferings!IhavefoundthatIcouldhavenopeacewithoutfillingupallmytimewithlabors;andthus`necessityhasbeenlaiduponme;'yea,inthatrespect,Ihavelovedtolabor:butthemiseryis,IcouldnotsensiblylaborforGod,asIwouldhavedone.MayI for the futurebeenabledmoresensibly tomakethegloryofGodmyall!"

ForthespacefromthistimetillthenextMonday,seethepublicJournal.

"Monday, Jan.6.Beingveryweak inbody, I rode formyhealth.Whileriding,mythoughtsweresweetlyengaged,foratime,upon`thestonecutoutof themountainwithouthands,whichbrake inpieces' allbefore it,and `waxed great, and became a great mountain, and filled the wholeearth;'andI longed thatJesusshould`take tohimselfhisgreatpower,andreigntotheendsoftheearth.'Andoh,howsweetwerethemoments,wherein I felt my soul warm with hopes of the enlargement of theRedeemer'skingdom!IwantednothingelsebutthatChristshouldreign,tothegloryofhisblessedname."

Thenextdayhecomplainsofwantoffervency.

"Wednesday,Jan.8.IntheeveningmyheartwasdrawnoutafterGodinsecret:my soulwas refreshed and quickened; and, I trust, faithwas inexercise.IhadgreathopesoftheingatheringofprecioussoulstoChrist;notonlyamongmyownpeople,butothersalso. Iwassweetly resignedandcomposedundermybodilyweakness;andwaswillingtoliveordie,anddesiroustolaborforGodtotheutmostofmystrength.

"Thursday,Jan.9.Wasstillveryweak,andmuchexercisedwithvaporydisorders. In the evening enjoyed some enlargement and spirituality inprayer.OhthatIcouldalwaysspendmytimeprofitably,both inhealthandweakness!

"Friday,Jan.10.Mysoulwasinasweet,calm,composedframe,andmyheart filled with love to all the world; and Christian simplicity andtenderness seemed then to prevail and reign within me. Near nightvisiteda seriousBaptistminister,andhadsomeagreeableconversationwithhim;andfoundthatIcouldtasteGodinfriends."

ForthefournextdaysseethepublicJournal.

"Wednesday,Jan.15.Myspiritswerevery lowandflat,andIcouldnotbutthinkIwasaburdentoGod'searth;andcouldscarcelylookanybodyin the face, through shame and sense of barrenness. God pity a poorunprofitablecreature!"

The two next days he had some comfort and refreshment. For the two

following days see the public Journal. The next day he set out on ajourney to Elizabeth-town, to confer with the Correspondents, at theirmeetingthere;andenjoyedmuchspiritualrefreshmentfromdaytoday,throughthisweek.Thethingsexpressedinthisspaceoftime,aresuchasthese; serenity, composure, sweetness, and tenderness of soul;thanksgivingtoGodforhissuccessamongtheIndians;delightinprayerandpraise;sweetandprofitablemeditationsonvariousdivinesubjects;longing for more love, for more vigor to live to God, for a life moreentirely devoted to him, that hemight spend all his timeprofitably forGodandinhiscause;conversingonspiritualsubjectswithaffection;andlamentationforunprofitableness.

"Lord'sday,Jan.26. [AtConnecticut-Farms.]Wascalmandcomposed.Wasmade sensible ofmyutter inability to preachwithout divine help;andwas in some goodmeasurewilling to leave it withGod, to give orwithhold assistance, as he saw would be most for his own glory. Wasfavoured with a considerable degree of assistance in my public work.After public worship, I was in a sweet and solemn frame of mind,thankful to God that he had made me in some measure faithful inaddressingprecioussouls,butgrievedthatIhadbeennomoreferventinmywork; andwas tenderly affected towards all theworld, longing thatevery sinner might be saved; and could not have entertained anybitterness towards the worst enemy living. In the evening rode toElizabeth-town:whileridingwasalmostconstantlyengagedinliftingupmy heart to God, lest I should lose that sweet heavenly solemnity andcomposureof soul I thenenjoyed.Afterwardswaspleased to think thatGod reigneth; and thought I could never be uneasy with any of hisdispensations; butmust be entirely satisfied, whatever trials he shouldcausemeorhischurchtoencounter.Neverfeltmoresedateness,divineserenity, and composure of mind; could freely have left the dearestearthly friend, for the society of `angels, and spirits of justmenmadeperfect:'my affections soared aloft to the blessed Author of every dearenjoyment.Iviewedtheemptinessandunsatisfactorynatureofthemostdesirable earthly objects, any further than God is seen in them: andlonged fora lifeofspiritualityand inwardpurity;withoutwhich, Isaw,therecouldbenotruepleasure."

Heretainedagreatdegreeofthisexcellentframeofmindthefournextdays.AstohispublicservicesforandamongtheIndians,andhissuccessatthistime,seethepublicJournal.

"Saturday,Feb. 1.Towardsnight enjoyed someof the clearest thoughtsonadivinesubject,(viz.thattreatedof1Cor.xv.13-16.`Butiftherebenoresurrectionofthedead,'&c.)thateverIremembertohavehaduponanysubjectwhatsoever;andspenttwoorthreehoursinwritingthem.Iwas refreshedwith this intenseness:mymindwas so engaged in thesemeditations,Icouldscarcelyturnittoanythingelse;andindeedIcouldnotbewillingtopartwithsosweetanentertainment.

"Lord's day, Feb. 2. — After public worship, my bodily strength beingmuchspent,myspiritssunkamazingly;andespeciallyonhearingthatIwassogenerallytakentobeaRomancatholic,sentbythepapiststodrawthe Indians into an insurrectionagainst theEnglish, that somewere infear of me, and others were for having me taken up by authority andpunished.Alas,whatwillnotthedevildotobringasluranddisgraceonthe work of God! Oh, how holy and circumspect had I need to be!Through divine goodness, I have been enabled to `mind my ownbusiness,'intheseparts,aswellaselsewhere;andtoletallmen,andalldenominations of men, alone, as to their party notions; and onlypreached theplainandnecessary truthsofChristianity,neither invitingto, nor excluding from, my meeting any, of any sort or persuasionwhatsoever. Towards night the Lord gaveme freedom at the throne ofgrace, inmy firstprayerbeforemy catechetical lecture: and inopeningthe 46th Psalm to my people, my soul confided in God, although thewicked world should slander and persecuteme, or even condemn andexecutemeasatraitortomykingandcountry.TrulyGodisa`presenthelp in time of trouble.' In the eveningmy soul was in somemeasurecomforted, having some hope that one poor soulwas brought home toGod thisday; though the casedidbynomeans appear clear.Oh that Icouldfillupeverymomentoftime,duringmyabodeherebelow, intheserviceofmyGodandKing.

"Monday,Feb.3.MyspiritswerestillmuchsunkwithwhatIheardtheday before, of my being suspected to be engaged in the Pretender'sinterest: it grievedme, thatafter therehadbeensomuchevidenceofa

gloriousworkofgraceamongthesepoorIndians,asthatthemostcarnalmencouldnotbuttakenoticeofthegreatchangemadeamongthem,somanypoorsoulsshouldstillsuspectthewholetobeonlyapopishplot,andsocastanawful reproachon thisblessedworkof thedivineSpirit;andatthetimewhollyexcludethemselvesfromreceivinganybenefitbythis divine influence. This put me upon searching whether I had everdropped any thing inadvertently, that might give occasion to any tosuspectthatIwasstirringuptheIndiansagainsttheEnglish:andcouldthinkofnothing,unlessitwasmyattemptingsometimestovindicatetherightsof the Indians, and complainingof thehorridpracticeofmakingtheIndiansdrunk,andthencheating themoutof their landsandotherproperties: and once, I remembered, I had done this with too muchwarmth of spirit, which much distressed me; thinking that it mightpossibly prejudice them against this work of grace, to their everlastingdestruction. God, I believe, didme good by this trial; which served tohumble me, and show me the necessity of watchfulness, and of being`wiseasaserpent,'aswellas`harmlessasadove.'Thisexerciseledmeoften to the throneof grace; and there I found some support; though Icould not get the burden wholly removed. Was assisted in prayer,especiallyintheevening."

He remained still under a degree of exercise ofmind about this affair;whichcontinuedtohavethesameeffectuponhim,tocausehimtoreflectupon, and humble himself, and frequent the throne of grace: but soonfoundhimselfmuchmorerelievedandsupported.Hewas,thisweek,inan extremely weak state, and obliged (as he expresses it) "to consumeconsiderabletimeindiversionsforhishealth."ForSaturday,Feb.7.andthesabbathfollowing,seehispublicJournal.

TheMonday after he set out on a journey to theForks ofDelaware, tovisittheIndiansthere.Heperformedthejourneyundergreatweakness,and sometimes was exercised with much pain; but says nothing ofdejectionandmelancholy.Hearrivedathisownhouseat theForksonFriday. The things appertaining to his inward frames and exercises,expressedwithinthisweek,are,sweetcomposureofmind;thankfulnesstoGodforhismerciestohimandothers;resignationtothedivinewill;comfort in prayer and religious conversation; his heart drawnout after

God, and affected with a sense of his own barrenness, as well as thefulnessandfreenessofdivinegrace.

"Lord'sday,Feb.16.—Intheeveningwasinasweetcomposedframeofmind.ItwasexceedingrefreshingandcomfortabletothinkthatGodhadbeen with me, affording me some good measure of assistance. I thenfound freedom and sweetness in prayer and thanksgiving to God; andfoundmy soul sweetly engaged and enlarged inprayer for dear friendsand acquaintance. Blessed be the name of the Lord, that ever I amenabled to do any thing for his dear interest and kingdom. Blessed beGod who enables me to be faithful. — Enjoyed more resolution andcourage for God, and more refreshment of spirit, than I have beenfavouredwithformanyweekspast.

"Monday,Feb. 17.— Iwas refreshed and encouraged: found a spirit ofprayer, in the evening, and earnest longings for the illumination andconversionofthesepoorIndians."

Tuesday,Feb.18.SeethepublicJournal.

"Wednesday,Feb.19.—Myheartwascomfortedandrefreshed,andmysoulfilledwithlongingsfortheconversionoftheIndianshere.

"Thursday,Feb.20.—Godwaspleasedtosupportandrefreshmyspirits,byaffordingmeassistancethisday,andsohopefulaprospectofsuccess.I returned home rejoicing and blessing the name of the Lord; foundfreedom and sweetness afterwards in secret prayer, and had my souldrawnoutfordearfriends.Oh,howblessedathingisit,tolaborforGodfaithfully, andwith encouragement of success! Blessed be the Lord foreverandever,fortheassistanceandcomfortgrantedthisday.

"Friday,Feb.21.—Mysoulwasrefreshedandcomforted,andIcouldnotbutblessGod,whohadenabledmeinsomegoodmeasuretobefaithfulinthedaypast.Oh,howsweetitistobespentandwornoutforGod!

"Saturday,Feb.22.—Myspiritsweremuchsupported,thoughmybodilystrengthwasmuchwasted.OhthatGodwouldbegracioustothesoulsofthesepoorIndians!

"God has been very gracious to me this week: he has enabled me topreach every day; and has givenme some assistance, and encouragingprospectofsuccessinalmosteverysermon.Blessedbehisname.Diversof the white people have been awakened this week, and sundry of theIndians much cured of prejudices and jealousies they had conceivedagainstChristianity,andsomeseemtobereallyawakened."

Lord'sday,Feb.23.See thepublicJournal.—Thenextday,he left theForks of Delaware, to return to Crossweeksung; and spent the wholeweektillSaturday,beforehearrivedthere;butpreachedbythewayeveryday,exceptingone;andwasseveraltimesgreatlyassisted;andhadmuchinwardcomfort,andearnestlongingstofillupallhistimeintheserviceofGod.He utters such expression as these, after preaching: "Oh that ImaybeenabledtopleadthecauseofGodfaithfully,tomydyingmoment!Oh how sweet it would be to spendmyself wholly for God, and in hiscause,andtobefreedfromselfishmotivesinmylabors."

ForSaturdayandLord'sday,March1and2,seethepublicJournal.Thefour next days were spent in great bodily weakness; but he speaks ofsomeseasonsofconsiderableinwardcomfort.

"Thursday, March 6. I walked alone in the evening, and enjoyedsweetnessandcomfortinprayer,beyondwhatIhaveoflateenjoyed:mysoul rejoiced in my pilgrimage state, and I was delighted with thethoughts of laboring and enduringhardness forGod: felt some longingdesirestopreachthegospeltodearimmortalsouls;andconfidedinGod,thathewouldbewithmeinmywork,andthathe`neverwouldleavenorforsakeme,'totheendofmyrace.Oh,mayIobtainmercyofGodtobefaithfultomydyingmoment!

"Friday,March7.Intheafternoonwentoninmyworkwithfreedomandcheerfulness,Godassistingme;andenjoyedcomfortintheevening."

ForthetwonextdaysseethepublicJournal.

"Monday, March 10. — My soul was refreshed with freedom andenlargement;andIhope,thelivelyexerciseoffaith,insecretprayer,thisnight; my will was sweetly resigned to the divine will, and my hopes

respecting the enlargement of the dear kingdom of Christ somewhatraised,andcouldcommitZion'scausetoGodashisown."

On Tuesday he speaks of some sweetness and spirituality in Christianconversation. On Wednesday complains that he enjoyed not muchcomfort and satisfaction, through the day, because he did but little forGod. On Thursday spent considerable time in company, on a specialoccasion; but in perplexity, because without savoury religiousconversation. For Friday, Saturday, and Lord's day, see the publicJournal.

Intheformerpartoftheweekfollowinghewasveryill;andalsoundergreat dejection; being, as he apprehended, rendered unserviceable byillness, and fearing that he should never be serviceable anymore; andtherefore exceedingly longed for death. But afterwards was moreencouraged, and life appeared more desirable, because, as he says, he"hada littledawnofhope,thathemightbeuseful intheworld."Inthelatterpartoftheweekhewasinsomemeasurerelievedofhisillness,intheuseofmeansprescribedbyaphysician.—ForSaturdayandLord'sday,March22and23,seehispublicJournal.

"Monday,March24.—AftertheIndiansweregonetotheirwork,tocleartheir lands, I got alone, andpouredoutmy soul toGod, thathewouldsmileupon these feeble beginnings, and thathewould settle an Indiantown, thatmight be amountain of holiness; and foundmy soulmuchrefreshed in thesepetitions, andmuchenlarged forZion's interest, andfornumbersofdearfriendsinparticular.Mysinkingspiritswererevivedandraised,andIfeltanimatedintheserviceGodhascalledmeto.ThiswasthedearesthourIhaveenjoyedformanydays,ifnotweeks.Ifoundan encouraging hope, that somethingwould be done forGod, and thatGodwould use and helpme in his work. And oh, how sweet were thethoughtsoflaboringforGod,whenIfeltanyspiritandcourage,andhadanyhopethateverIshouldbesucceeded!"

The next day his schoolmaster was taken sick with a pleurisy; and hespentgreatpartoftheremainderofthisweekinattendinghim:whichinhis weak state was almost an overbearing burden; he being obligedconstantly towaituponhim, fromday today,and to lieon the floorat

night.Hisspiritssunkinaconsiderabledegree,withhisbodilystrength,underthisburden.—ForSaturdayandLord'sday,March29and30,seethepublicJournal.

"Monday,March31.Towardsnightenjoyedsomesweetmeditationsonthosewords:`ItisgoodformetodrawneartoGod.'Mysoul,Ithink,hadsomesweetsenseofwhatisintendedinthosewords."

Thenextdayhewasextremelybusyintendingtheschoolmaster,andinsome other necessary affairs, that greatly diverted him from what helooked upon as his proper business: but yet speaks of comfort andrefreshmentatsometimesoftheday.

"Wednesday,April2.Wassomewhatexercisedwithaspiritlessframeofmind; but was a little relieved and refreshed in the evening withmeditationaloneinthewoods.But,alas!mydayspassawayasthechaff!it is but little I do, or can do, that turns to any account; and it is myconstantmiseryandburden,thatIamsofruitlessinthevineyardoftheLord.OhthatIwerespirit,thatImightbeactiveforGod.This,(Ithink,)morethananythingelse,makesmelong,that`thiscorruptiblemightputon incorruption, and this mortal put on immortality.' God deliver mefromclogs,fetters,andabodyofdeath,thatimpedemyserviceforhim."

The next day he complains bitterly of some exercises by corruption hefoundinhisownheart.

"Friday,April4.SpentmostofthedayinwritingonRev.xxii.17.`Andwhosoever will,' &c. Enjoyed some freedom and encouragement inmywork;andfoundsomecomfortinprayer.

"Saturday,April5.—AfterpublicworshipanumberofmydearChristianIndians came tomyhouse;withwhomI felt a sweetunionof soul.Myheart was knit to them; and I cannot say I have felt such a sweet andfervent love to the brethren for some time past; and I saw in themappearancesof the same love.Thisgavemesomethingof aviewof theheavenly state; and particularly that part of the happiness of heaven,whichconsistsinthecommunionofsaints:andthiswasaffectingtome."

ForthetwonextdaysseethepublicJournal.—OnTuesdayhewenttoameetingofthePresbyteryappointedatElizabeth-town.Inhiswaythitherheenjoyedsomesweetmeditations;butafterhecametherehewas(asheexpressesit)veryvaporyandmelancholy,andunderanawfulgloom,thatoppressedhismind.And this continued till Saturday evening,whenhebegan tohave some relief andencouragement.He spent the sabbathatStaten-Island;wherehepreachedtoanassemblyofDutchandEnglish,and enjoyed considerable refreshment and comfort, both in public andprivate.IntheeveninghereturnedtoElizabeth-town.

"MondayApril14.Myspiritsthisdaywereraisedandrefreshed,andmymindcomposed,sothatIwasinacomfortableframeofsoulmostoftheday. In the evening my head was clear, my mind serene; I enjoyedsweetness in secret prayer, and meditation on Ps. lxxiii. 28. `But it isgood forme to drawnear toGod,' &c.On, how free, how comfortable,cheerful, and yet solemn, do I feelwhen I am in a goodmeasure freedfromthosedampsandmelancholyglooms,thatIoftenlaborunder!AndblessedbetheLord,Ifindmyselfrelievedinthisrespect.

"Tuesday,April 15.Mysoul longed formore spirituality;and itwasmyburden,thatIcoulddonomoreforGod.Oh,mybarrennessismydailyafflictionandheavyload!Oh,howpreciousistime:andhowitpainsme,toseeitslideaway,whileIdosoverylittletoanygoodpurpose!OhthatGodwouldmakememorefruitfulandspiritual."

The next day he speaks of his being almost overwhelmed with vaporydisorders;butyetnotsoaswhollytodestroythecomposureofhismind.

"Thursday,April 17.Enjoyed some comfort in prayer, some freedom inmeditation,andcomposureinmystudies.Spentsometimeinwritinginthe forenoon. In the afternoon spent some time in conversation withseveraldearministers.IntheeveningpreachedfromPs.lxxiii.28.`ButitisgoodformetodrawneartoGod.'Godhelpedmetofeelthetruthofmytext,bothinthefirstprayerandinsermon.IwasenabledtopouroutmysoultoGod,withgreatfreedom,fervency,andaffection;andblessedbetheLord,itwasacomfortableseasontome.Iwasenabledtospeakwithtenderness, and yet with faithfulness; and divine truths seemed to fallwithweightandinfluenceuponthehearers.Myheartwasmeltedforthe

dearassembly,andIlovedeverybodyinit;andscarceeverfeltmoreloveto immortalsouls inmy life:mysoulcried,`Ohthat thedearcreaturesmightbesaved!OthatGodwouldhavemercyonthem!'"

Heseemstohavebeeninaverycomfortableframeofmindthetwonextdays.

"Lord'sday,April20.[48]Enjoyedsomefreedom,and,Ihope,exerciseof faith in prayer, in the morning; especially when I came to pray forZion.Iwasfreefromthatgloomydiscouragementthatsooftenoppressesmymind;andmysoulrejoicedinthehopesofZion'sprosperity,andtheenlargement of the dear kingdom of the great Redeemer. Oh that hiskingdommightcome.—

"Monday,April21.Wascomposedandcomfortableinmindmostoftheday; and was mercifully freed from those gloomy damps that I amfrequently exercised with. Had freedom and comfort in prayer severaltimes; and especially had some rising hopes of Zion's enlargement andprosperity.Oh,howrefreshingwerethesehopestomysoul!Ohthatthekingdomof thedearLordmight come.Oh that thepoor Indiansmightquicklybegatheredin,ingreatnumbers!

"Tuesday, April 22. My mind was remarkably free this day frommelancholydampsandglooms,andanimatedinmywork.Ifoundsuchfresh vigor and resolution in the service of God, that the mountainsseemedtobecomeaplainbeforeme.Oh,blessedbeGodforanintervalofrefreshment,andferventresolutioninmyLord'swork!Intheeveningmysoulwasrefreshedinsecretprayer,andmyheartdrawnoutfordivineblessings; especially for the church of God, and his interest amongmyownpeople, and for dear friends in remote places.Oh that Zionmightprosper,andprecioussoulsbebroughthometoGod!"

In this comfortable, fervent frame of mind he remained the two nextdays. — For the four days next following, viz. Friday, Saturday, Lord'sday, and Monday, see his public Journal. — On Tuesday he went toElizabeth-town, to attend the meeting of the Presbytery there: andseemedtospendthetimewhileabsentfromhispeopleonthisoccasion,inafreeandcomfortablestateofmind.

"Saturday,May3.Rode fromElizabeth-townhome tomypeople, at ornearCranberry;whithertheyarenowremoved,andwhere,Ihope,Godwill settle themasaChristiancongregation.Wasrefreshed in liftingupmyhearttoGod,whileriding;andenjoyedathankfulframeofspiritfordivinefavorsreceivedtheweekpast.Wassomewhatuneasyanddejectedin theevening;havingnohouseofmyowntogo into in thisplace:butGodwasmysupport."

ForLord'sdayandMondayseethepublicJournal.

"Tuesday,May6.Enjoyedsomespiritandcourageinmywork;wasinagoodmeasure free frommelancholy: blessed be God for freedom fromthisdeath.

"Wednesday,May7.Spentmostofthedayinwriting,asusual.Enjoyedsome freedom in my work. Was favoured with some comfortablemeditations thisday. In theeveningwas ina sweet composed frameofmind;waspleasedanddelightedtoleaveallwithGod,respectingmyself,for timeandeternity,andrespectingthepeopleofmycharge,anddearfriends.HadnodoubtbutthatGodwouldtakecareofme,andofhisowninterestamongmypeople;andwasenabledtousefreedominprayer,asachildwithatenderfather.Oh,howsweetissuchaframe!

"Thursday,May 8. In the eveningwas somewhat refreshedwith divinethings,andenjoyedatender,meltingframeinsecretprayer,whereinmysoulwasdrawnoutfortheinterestofZion,andcomfortedwiththelivelyhopeoftheappearingofthekingdomofthegreatRedeemer.Theseweresweetmoments: I felt almost lothe to go tobed, andgrieved that sleepwas necessary. However, I lay down with a tender, reverential fear ofGod,sensible that`his favour is life,'andhissmilesbetter thanall thatearthcanboastof,infinitelybetterthanlifeitself."

Friday,May9.SeethepublicJournal.

"Saturday,May10.RodetoAllen's-town,toassist intheadministrationof the Lord's supper. In the afternoon preached from Tit. ii. 14. `Whogavehimselfforus,'&c.Godwaspleasedtocarrymethroughwithsomecompetencyoffreedom;andyettodenymethatenlargementandpower

Ilongedfor.Intheeveningmysoulmourned,andcouldnotbutmourn,thatIhadtreatedsoexcellentasubject insodefectiveamanner; thatIhadbornesobrokenatestimonyforsoworthyandgloriousaRedeemer.Andifmydiscoursehadmetwiththeutmostapplausefromalltheworld,(as I accidentally heard it applauded by some persons of judgment,) itwouldnothavegivenmeanysatisfaction.Oh,itgrievedmetothink,thatIhadhadnomoreholywarmthand fervency, that Ihadbeennomoremelted in discoursing of Christ's death, and the end and design of it!Afterwards enjoyed some freedom and fervency in secret and familyprayer,andlongedmuchforthepresenceofGodtoattendhiswordandordinancesthenextday.

"Lord'sday,May11.AssistedintheadministrationoftheLord'ssupper;butenjoyedlittleenlargement:wasgrievedandsunkwithsomethingsIthoughtundesirable,&c.IntheafternoonwenttothehouseofGodweakand sick in soul, as well as feeble in body: and longed that the peoplemightbeentertainedandedifiedwithdivine truths,and thatanhonestfervent testimony might be borne for God; but knew not how it waspossible forme to do any thing of that kind, to any good purpose. YetGod, who is rich inmercy, was pleased to giveme assistance, both inprayer and preaching. God helped me to wrestle for his presence inprayer,andtotellhimthathehadpromises,`Wheretwoorthreearemettogether inhisname, therehewouldbe inthemidstof them;'andthatwewere,atleastsomeofus,somet;andpleaded,thatforhistruth'ssakehewouldbewithus.AndblessedbeGod,itwassweettomysoulthustoplead,andrelyonGod'spromises.DiscourseduponLukeix.30,31.`Andbehold,theretalkedwithhimtwomen,whichwereMosesandElias;whoappearedinglory,andspakeofhisdecease,whichheshouldaccomplishatJerusalem.'Enjoyedspecialfreedom,fromthebeginningtotheendofmydiscourse,withoutinterruption.Thingspertinenttothesubjectwereabundantly presented tomy view; and such a fulness ofmatter, that Iscarce knew how to dismiss the various heads and particulars I hadoccasion to touch upon.And, blessed be the Lord, Iwas favouredwithsome fervency andpower, aswell as freedom; so that thewordofGodseemed to awaken the attentionof a stupid audience, to a considerabledegree.IwasinwardlyrefreshedwiththeconsolationsofGod;andcouldwithmywholeheart say,`Though therebeno fruit in thevine,&c.yet

will I rejoice in the Lord.' After public service, was refreshed with thesweetconversationofsomeChristianfriends."

Thefournextdaysseemtohavebeenmostlyspentwithspiritualcomfortandprofit.

"Friday, May 16. Near night enjoyed some agreeable and sweetconversationwithadearminister,which,Itrust,wasblessedtomysoul.My heart was warmed, and my soul engaged to live to God; so that IlongedtoexertmyselfwithmorevigorthaneverIhaddoneinhiscause:andthosewordswerequickeningtome,`HereinismyFatherglorified,that ye bring forth much fruit.' Oh, my soul longed, and wished, andprayed,tobeenabledtolivetoGodwithutmostconstancyandardor!IntheeveningGodwaspleasedtoshineuponmeinsecretprayer,anddrawoutmysoulafterhimself;andIhadfreedominsupplicationformyself,but much more in intercession for others: so that I was sweetlyconstrainedtosay,`Lord,usemeasthouwilt;doasthouwiltwithme:butoh,promote thineowncause!Zion is thine;ohvisit thineheritage!Let thy kingdom come! Oh let thy blessed interest be advanced in theworld!' When I attempted to look to God, respecting my worldlycircumstances, and his providential dealings withme, in regard of mysettlingdowninmycongregation,whichseemstobenecessary,andyetverydifficult,andcontrarytomyfixedintentionforyearspast,aswellasmydisposition—whichhasbeen,andstill is, at timesespecially, togoforth,andspendmylifeinpreachingthegospelfromplacetoplace,andgatheringsoulsafarofftoJESUSthegreatRedeemer—Icouldonlysay,`ThewilloftheLordbedone;itisnomatterforme.'ThesameframeofmindIfeltwithrespecttoanotherimportantaffairIhavelatelyhadsomeserious thoughts of: I could say,withutmost calmness and composure,`Lord, if itbemost for thyglory, letmeproceed in it;but if thouseestthatitwillinanywisehindermyusefulnessinthycause,ohpreventmyproceeding:forallIwant,respectingthisworld,issuchcircumstancesasmaybestcapacitatemetodoserviceforGodintheworld.'ButblessedheGod, I enjoyed liberty in prayer formy dear flock, andwas enabled topouroutmysoulintothebosomofatenderFather:myheartwithinmewas melted, when I came to plead for my dear people, and for thekingdomofChristingeneral.Oh,howsweetwasthiseveningtomysoul!

Iknewnothowtogotobed;andwhengottobed,longedforsomewaytoimprove time forGod, tosomeexcellentpurpose.Bless theLord,Omysoul.

"Saturday,May17.Walkedoutinthemorning,andfeltmuchofthesameframeIenjoyedtheeveningbefore:hadmyheartenlargedinprayingfortheadvancementofthekingdomofChrist,andfoundtheutmostfreedominleavingallmyconcernswithGod.

"I find discouragement to be an exceeding hindrance to my spiritualfervencyandaffection:butwhenGodenablesmesensiblytofindthatIhavedonesomethingforhim,thisrefreshesandanimatesme,sothatIcould break through all hardships, undergo any labors, and nothingseems toomucheither todoor to suffer.Butoh,what adeath it is, tostrive,andstrive;tobealwaysinahurry,andyetdonothing,oratleastnothingforGod!Alas,alas,thattimefliesaway,andIdosolittleforGod!

"Lord'sday,May18.I feltmyownutter insufficiencyformywork:Godmademe to see that Iwas a child; yea, that Iwas a fool. I discoursed,bothpartsoftheday,fromRev.iii.20."Behold,Istandatthedoorandknock." God gave me freedom and power in the latter part of myforenoon'sdiscourse:although,intheformerpartofit,Ifeltpeevishandprovoked with the unmannerly behaviour of the white people, whocrowdedinbetweenmypeopleandme;whichprovedagreattemptationtome.ButblessedbeGod,Igot theseshacklesoffbeforethemiddleofmydiscourse,andwasfavouredwithasweetframeofspiritinthelatterpart of the exercise; was full of love, warmth, and tenderness, inaddressingmydearpeople.—Intheintermission-season,couldnotbutdiscoursetomypeopleonthekindnessandpatienceofChristinstandingandknockingatthedoor,&c.—IntheeveningIwasgrievedthatIhaddonesolittleforGod.OhthatIcouldbeaflameoffireintheserviceofmyGod!"

Monday,May19.SeethepublicJournal.—OnTuesdayhecomplainsofwant of freedom and comfort; but had some return of these onWednesday.

"Thursday,May22.Intheeveningwasinaframesomewhatremarkable:

had apprehended for several days before, that it was the design ofProvidence I should settle amongmy people here; and had inmy ownmindbeguntomakeprovisionforit,andtocontrivemeanstohastenit;andfoundmyheartsomethingengagedinit,hopingImightthenenjoymore agreeable circumstances of life, in several respects: and yet wasnever fully determined, never quite pleasedwith the thoughts of beingsettled and confined to one place.Nevertheless I seemed to have somefreedom in that respect, because the congregation I thought of settlingwith,wasonethatGodhadenabledmetogatherfromamongstpagans.ForInever,sinceIbegantopreach,couldfeelanyfreedomto`enterintoothermen's labors,' and settle down in theministrywhere the `gospelwaspreachedbefore.'Inevercouldmakethatappeartobemyprovince:whenIfeltanydispositiontoconsultmyeaseandworldlycomfort,Godhasnevergivenmeany liberty in that respect, either sinceor for someyearsbeforeIbegantopreach.ButGodhavingsucceededmylabors,andmade me instrumental in gathering a church for him among theseIndians, Iwas ready to think, itmightbehisdesign to givemeaquietsettlementandastatedhomeofmyown.Andthis,consideringthe latefrequentsinkingandfailureofmyspirits,andtheneedIstoodinofsomeagreeable society, and my great desire of enjoying conveniences andopportunities for profitable studies, was not altogether disagreeable tome.AlthoughIstillwantedtogoaboutfarandwide,inordertospreadthe blessed gospel among benighted souls, far remote; yet I never hadbeensowillingtosettleinanyoneplace,formorethanfiveyearspast,asIwasintheforegoingpartofthisweek.Butnowthesethoughtsseemtobewhollydashedtopieces;notbynecessity,butofchoice:foritappearedto me, that God's dealings towards me had fitted me for a life ofsolitarinessandhardship;and that Ihadnothing to lose,nothing todowithearth,andconsequentlynothingtolosebyatotalrenunciationofit.Itappearedtomejustright,thatIshouldbedestituteofhouseandhome,andmanycomfortsoflife,whichIrejoicedtoseeothersofGod'speopleenjoy.Andatthesametime,IsawsomuchoftheexcellencyofChrist'skingdom,andtheinfinitedesirablenessofitsadvancementintheworld,that it swallowed up allmy other thoughts; andmademewilling, yea,even rejoice, to be made a pilgrim or hermit in the wilderness, to mydying moment, if I might thereby promote the blessed interest of thegreat Redeemer. And if ever my soul presented itself to God for his

service,withoutanyreserveofanykind, itdidsonow.The languageofmy thoughts andispositionnowwas, `Here I am,Lord, sendme; sendmetotheendsoftheearth;sendmetotherough,thesavagepagansofthewilderness;sendmefromallthatiscalledcomfortinearth,orearthlycomfort; sendmeeven todeath itself, if itbebut in thy service,and topromotethykingdom.'AndatthesametimeIhadasquickandlivelyasenseofthevalueofworldlycomforts,aseverIhad;butonlysawtheminfinitely overmatched by the worth of Christ's kingdom, and thepropagationofhisblessedgospel.Thequietsettlement,thecertainplaceofabode,thetenderfriendship,whichIthoughtImightbelikelytoenjoyin consequence of such circumstances, appeared as valuable to me,consideredabsolutelyand in themselves,aseverbefore;butconsideredcomparatively, they appeared nothing. Compared with the value andpreciousness of an enlargement ofChrist's kingdom, they vanished likethe stars before the rising sun. And sure I am, that although thecomfortable accommodations of life appeared valuable anddear tome,yet I did surrender and resignmyself, soul and body, to the service ofGod,andpromotionofChrist'skingdom:thoughitshouldbeinthelossof them all. And I could not do any other, because I could not will orchoose any other. I was constrained, and yet chose, to say, `Farewell,friendsandearthlycomforts,thedearestofthemall,theverydearest,ifthe Lord calls for it; adieu, adieu; I will spend my life, to my latestmoments, in cavesanddensof the earth, if thekingdomofChristmaythereby be advanced.' I found extraordinary freedom at this time inpouring out my soul to God, for his cause; and especially that hiskingdommightbeextendedamongtheIndians,farremote;andIhadagreatandstronghope, thatGodwoulddoit. IcontinuedwrestlingwithGod inprayer formydear little flockhere; andmore especially for theIndianselsewhere;aswellas fordear friends inoneplaceandanother;till itwasbed-time,andIfearedIshouldhinderthefamily,&c.Butoh,withwhatreluctancedidIfindmyselfobligedtoconsumetimeinsleep!Ilongedtobeasaflameoffire,continuallyglowinginthedivineservice,preaching and building up Christ's kingdom, to my latest, my dyingmoment.

"Friday,May23.Inthemorningwasinthesameframeofmindasintheevening before. The glory of Christ's kingdom so much outshone the

pleasureofearthlyaccommodationsandenjoyments,thattheyappearedcomparativelynothing,thoughinthemselvesgoodanddesirable.Mysoulwasmeltedinsecretmeditationandprayer,andIfoundmyselfdivorcedfromanypart in thisworld: so that in those affairs that seemedof thegreatest importance to me, in respect of the present life, and thosewhereinthetenderpowersofthemindaremostsensiblytouched,Icouldonlysay,`Thewillof theLordbedone.'But just thesamethingsthatIfelttheeveningbefore,Ifeltnow;andfoundthesamefreedominprayerforthepeopleofmycharge,forthepropagationofthegospelamongtheIndians,andfortheenlargementandspiritualwelfareofZioningeneral,andmydearfriendsinparticular,now,asIdidthen;andlongedtoburnout in one continued flame forGod.Retainedmuch of the same framethroughtheday.IntheeveningwasvisitedbymybrotherJohnBrainerd;thefirstvisitIhaveeverreceivedfromanynearrelativesinceIhavebeena missionary. Felt the same frame of spirit in the evening as in themorning;andfoundthat`itwasgoodformetodrawneartoGod,'andleaveallmyconcernsandburdenswithhim.WasenlargedandrefreshedinpouringoutmysoulforthepropagationofthegospeloftheRedeemeramongthedistanttribesofIndians.BlessedbeGod.IfeverIfilledupadaywithstudiesanddevotion,Iwasenabledsotofillupthisday.

"Saturday,May24.—Enjoyedthisdaysomethingof thesameframeofmindasIfeltthedaybefore."

Lord's day, May 25. See the public Journal. — This week, at least theformerofit,hewasinaveryweakstate:butyetseemstohavebeenfreefrom melancholy, which often had attended the failing of his bodilystrength. He from time to time speaks of comfort and inwardrefreshment,thisweek.—Lord'sday,June1.SeethepublicJournal.

"Monday,June2.Intheeveningenjoyedsomefreedominsecretprayerandmeditation.

"Tuesday,June3.Mysoulrejoiced,earlyinthemorning,tothink,thatallthingswereatGod'sdisposal.Oh,itpleasedmetoleavethemthere!Feltafterwards much as I did on Thursday evening, May 22, last; andcontinuedinthisframeforseveralhours.Walkedoutintothewilderness,andenjoyedfreedom,fervency,andcomfortinprayer;andagainenjoyed

thesameintheevening.

"Wednesday, June 4. Spent the day in writing, and enjoyed somecomfort, satisfaction, and freedom in my work. In the evening I wasfavoured with a sweet refreshing frame of soul in secret prayer andmeditation. Prayer was now wholly turned into praise, and I could dolittle elsebut try to adoreandbless the livingGod.ThewondersofhisgracedisplayedingatheringtohimselfachurchamongthepoorIndianshere, were the subject matter of my meditation, and the occasion ofexcitingmy soul topraiseandblesshisname.My soulwas scarce evermore disposed to inquire, `What I should render to God for all hisbenefits,' thanat this time.Oh, Iwasbrought intoa strait, a sweetandhappystrait,toknowwhattodo!IlongedtomakesomereturnstoGod;butfoundIhadnothingtoreturn:Icouldonlyrejoice,thatGodhaddonethe work himself; and that none in heaven or earth might pretend toshare the honour of it with him. I could only be glad, that God'sdeclarativeglorywasadvancedbytheconversionofthesesouls,andthatitwastotheenlargementofhiskingdomintheworld:butsawIwassopoor,thatIhadnothingtooffertohim.Mysoulandbody,throughgrace,Icouldcheerfullysurrendertohim:butitappearedtome,thiswasrathera cumber than a gift; and nothing could I do to glorify his dear andblessedname.YetIwasgladatheartthathewasunchangeablypossessedofgloryandblessedness.Ohthathemightbeadoredandpraisedbyallhisintelligentcreatures,totheutmostoftheirpowerandcapacities!Mysoul would have rejoiced to see others praise him, though I could donothingtowardsitmyself."

The next day he speaks of his being subject to some degree ofmelancholy; but of being somewhat relieved in the evening. — Friday,June6.SeethepublicJournal.

"Saturday, June 7. Rode to Freehold to assist Mr. Tennent in theadministrationoftheLord'ssupper.IntheafternoonpreachedfromPsal.lxxiii.28.`But it isgoodformetodrawneartoGod,'&c.Godgavemesomefreedomandwarmthinmydiscourse;andItrusthispresencewasin the assembly. Was comfortably composed, and enjoyed a thankfulframe of spirit; and my soul was grieved that I could not rendersomethingtoGodforhisbenefitsbestowed.OthatIcouldheswallowed

upinhispraise!

"Lord'sday,June8.Spentmuch time, in themorning, insecretduties;but between hope and fear, respecting the enjoyment of God in thebusiness of the day then before us. Was agreeably entertained in theforenoon, by a discourse fromMr. Tennent, and felt somewhatmeltedandrefreshed.Intheseasonofcommunion,enjoyedsomecomfort;andespeciallyinservingoneofthetables.BlessedbetheLord,itwasatimeof refreshing tome, and I trust tomany others. A number ofmy dearpeople sat down by themselves at the last table; at which time Godseemedtobeinthemidstofthem.—AndthethoughtsofwhatGodhaddoneamong themwere refreshingandmelting tome. In theafternoonGodenabledmetopreachwithuncommonfreedom, from2Cor.v.20.`Now then we are ambassadors for Christ,' &c. Through the greatgoodnessofGod,Iwasfavouredwithaconstantflowofpertinentmatter,andproperexpressions, fromthebeginningtotheendofmydiscourse.In the evening I could not but rejoice in God, and bless him for themanifestationsofgraceinthedaypast.Oh,itwasasweetandsolemndayandevening!aseasonofcomforttothegodly,andofawakeningtosomesouls.OhthatIcouldpraisetheLord!

"Monday,June9.Enjoyedsomesweetnessinsecretduties.—PreachedtheconcludingsermonfromGen.v.24.`AndEnochwalkedwithGod,"&c.Godgavemeenlargementandfervencyinmydiscourse;sothatIwasenabledtospeakwithplainnessandpower;andGod'spresenceseemedto be in the assembly. Praised be the Lord, it was a sweet meeting, adesirable assembly. I foundmy strength renewed, and lengthened out,eventoawonder;sothatIfeltmuchstrongerattheconclusionthaninthebeginningofthissacramentalsolemnity.IhavegreatreasontoblessGod for this solemnity, wherein I have found assistance in addressingothers,andsweetnessinmyownsoul."

OnTuesdayhefoundhimselfspentandhisspiritsexhaustedbyhislatelabors;andonWednesdaycomplainsofvaporydisorders,anddejectionofspirit,andofenjoyingbutlittlecomfortorspirituality.

"Thursday,June12.Intheeveningenjoyedfreedomofmind,andsomesweetnessinsecretprayer:itwasadesirableseasontome;mysoulwas

enlarged inprayer formyowndearpeople, and for the enlargementofChrist'skingdom,andespeciallyforthepropagationofthegospelamongthe Indians, back in the wilderness. Was refreshed in prayer for dearfriends inNewEngland,andelsewhere: I found it sweet toprayat thistime;andcouldwithallmyheartsay,`ItisgoodformetodrawneartoGod.'

"Friday,June13.—IcameawayfromthemeetingoftheIndiansthisday,rejoicingandblessingGodforhisgracemanifestedatthisseason.

"Saturday,June14.RodetoKingston,toassisttheRev.Mr.Walesintheadministration of the Lord's supper. In the afternoon preached; but,almostfaintedinpulpit:yetGodstrengthenedmewhenIwasjustgone,and enabled me to speak his word with freedom, fervency, andapplicationtotheconscience.And,praisedbetheLord,`outofweaknessI was made strong.' I enjoyed some sweetness in and after publicworship;butwasextremely tired.Oh,howmanyare themerciesof theLord!`Tothemthathavenomight,heincreasethstrength.'

"Lord'sday,June15.Wasinadejected,spiritlessframe,thatIcouldnotholdupmyhead,norlookanybodyintheface.AdministeredtheLord'ssupper at Mr. Wales's desire; and found myself in a good measureunburdened and relieved of my pressing load, when I came to ask ablessingon theelements:hereGodgavemeenlargement, anda tenderaffectionatesenseofspiritualthings;sothatitwasaseasonofcomfort,insomemeasure, tome, and, I trust,more so to others. In the afternoonpreachedtoavastmultitude,fromRev.xxii.17.`Andwhosoeverwill,'&c.God helped me to offer a testimony for himself, and to leave sinnersinexcusable in neglecting his grace. I was enabled to speak with suchfreedom, fluency, and clearness, as commanded the attention of thegreat.Was extremely tired, in the evening, but enjoyed composure andsweetness.

"Monday, June 16. Preached again; and God helped me amazingly, sothat thiswas a sweet, refreshing season tomy soul andothers.Oh, foreverblessedbeGodforhelpaffordedatthistime,whenmybodywassoweak, and while there was so large an assembly to hear. Spent theafternooninacomfortable,agreeablemanner."

The next day was spent comfortably. — On Wednesday he went to ameeting ofministers atHopewell.—Thursday, June 19. See his publicJournal.[49]—OnFridayandSaturdayhewasverymuchamiss;butyetpreachedtohispeopleonSaturday.Hisillnesscontinuedonthesabbath;but he preached, notwithstanding, to his people both parts of the day;andafterthepublicworshipwasended,heendeavouredtoapplydivinetruthstotheconsciencesofsome,andaddressedthempersonallyforthatend;severalwereintears,andsomeappearedmuchaffected.Buthewasextremelyweariedwiththeservicesoftheday,andwassoillatnightthathecouldhavenobodilyrest;butremarks,that"Godwashissupport,andthat he was not left destitute of comfort in him." On Monday hecontinued very ill, but speaks of his mind being calm and composed,resignedtothedivinedispensations,andcontentwithhisfeeblestate.Bythe account he gives of himself, the remaining part of this week, hecontinuedveryfeeble,forthemostpartdejectedinmind.Heenjoyednogreatfreedomnorsweetnessinspiritualthings;exceptingthatforsomeveryshortspacesoftimehehadrefreshmentandencouragement,whichengagedhisheartondivinethings;andsometimeshisheartwasmeltedwithspiritualaffection.

"Lord'sday,June29.Preached,bothpartsoftheday,fromJohnxiv.19.`Yetalittlewhile,andtheworldseethmenomore,'&c.Godwaspleasedtoassistme,toaffordmebothfreedomandpower,especiallytowardstheclose of my discourses, both forenoon and afternoon. God's powerappeared in the assembly, in both exercises. Numbers of God's peoplewererefreshedandmeltedwithdivinethings;oneortwocomforted,whohadbeenlongunderdistress:convictions,indiversinstances,powerfullyrevived; and one man in years much awakened, who had not longfrequentedourmeeting, and appearedbefore as stupid as a stock.Godamazingly renewed and lengthened outmy strength. I was so spent atnoon,thatIcouldscarcewalk,andallmyjointstrembled;sothatIcouldnotsit,norsomuchasholdmyhandstill:andyetGodstrengthenedmetopreachwithpowerintheafternoon;althoughIhadgivenoutwordtomy people that I did not expect to be able to do it. Spent some timeafterwards in conversing,particularly,with severalpersons, about theirspiritualstate;andhadsomesatisfactionconcerningoneortwo.Prayedafterwardswithasickchild,andgaveawordofexhortation.Wasassisted

inallmywork.BlessedbeGod.Returnedhomewithmorehealth.thanIwentoutwith;althoughmylinenwaswringingwetuponme,fromalittleafter ten in themorning till past five in the afternoon.My spirits alsowere considerably refreshed; andmy soul rejoiced in hope, that I hadthroughgracedone something forGod. In theeveningwalkedout, andenjoyeda sweet season in secretprayerandpraise.Butoh, I found thetruth of the psalmist's words, `My goodness extendeth not to thee!' IcouldnotmakeanyreturnstoGod;Ilongedtoliveonlytohim,andtobein tune for his praise and service for ever.Oh, for spirituality andholyfervency,thatImightspendandbespentforGodtomylatestmoment!

"Monday,June30.Spent theday inwriting;butundermuchweaknessand disorder. Felt the labors of the preceding day; althoughmy spiritsweresorefreshedtheeveningbefore,thatIwasnotthensensibleofmybeingspent.

"Tuesday, July 1. In the afternoon visited and preached to my people,fromHeb. ix.27.`Andas it isappointeduntomenonce todie,'&c.onoccasionofsomepersonslyingatthepointofdeath,inmycongregation.Godgavemesomeassistance;andhiswordmadesomeimpressionsontheaudience,ingeneral.Thiswasanagreeableandcomfortableeveningtomysoul:myspiritsweresomewhatrefreshed,withasmalldegreeoffreedomandhelpenjoyedinmywork."

On Wednesday he went to Newark, to a meeting of the Presbytery:complainsoflownessofspirits;andgreatlylamentshisspendinghistimeso unfruitfully. The remaining part of the week he spent there and atElizabeth-town;andspeaksofcomfortanddivineassistancefromdaytoday;butyetgreatlycomplainsforwantofmorespirituality.

"Lord's day, July 6. [At Elizabeth-town] Enjoyed some composure andserenity of mind in the morning: heard Mr. Dickinson preach in theforenoon,andwasrefreshedwithhisdiscourse;was inamelting framesome part of the time of sermon: partook of the Lord's supper, andenjoyedsomesenseofdivinethingsinthatordinance.IntheafternoonIpreached fromEzek. xxxiii. 11. `As I live, saith theLordGod,'&c.Godfavoured me with freedom and fervency; and helped me to plead hiscausebeyondmyownpower.

"Monday,July7.Myspiritswereconsiderablyrefreshedandraisedinthemorning.Thereisnocomfort,Ifind,inanyenjoyment,withoutenjoyingGod, and being engage in his service. In the evening had the mostagreeable conversation that ever I remember in allmy life, uponGod'sbeingallinall,andallenjoymentsbeingjustthattouswhichGodmakesthem,andnomore.ItisgoodtobeginandendwithGod.Oh,howdoesasweetsolemnitylayafoundationfortruepleasureandhappiness!

"Tuesday, July8.Rodehome, and enjoyed someagreeablemeditationsbytheway.

"Wednesday,July9.Spentthedayinwriting;enjoyedsomecomfortandrefreshmentofspiritinmyeveningretirement.

"Thursday,July10.Spentmostofthedayinwriting.TowardsnightrodetoMr. Tennent's; enjoyed some agreeable conversation:went home, inthe evening, in a solemn, sweet frameofmind;was refreshed in secretduties,longedtolivewhollyandonlyforGod,andsawplainlytherewasnothingintheworldworthyofmyaffection;sothatmyheartwasdeadtoallbelow;yetnotthroughdejection,asatsometimes,butfromviewsofabetterinheritance.

"Friday, July 11. Was in a calm, composed frame in the morning,especiallyintheseasonofmysecretretirement.IthinkIwaswellpleasedwiththewillofGod,whatever itwas,orshouldbe, inallrespectsIhadthenanythoughtof.IntendingtoadministertheLord'ssupperthenextLord's day, I looked to God for his presence and assistance upon thatoccasion; but felt a disposition to say, `The will of the Lord be done,'whether it be to give me assistance, or not. Spent some little time inwriting:visitedtheIndians,andspentsometimeinseriousconversationwiththem;thinkingitnotbesttopreach,manyofthembeingabsent.

"Saturday, July 12. This day was spent in fasting and prayer by mycongregation,aspreparatorytothesacrament.Idiscoursed,bothpartsoftheday,fromRom.iv.25.`Whowasdeliveredforouroffences,'&c.Godgave me some assistance in my discourses, and something of divinepower attended the word; so that this was an agreeable season.Afterwards led them to a solemn renewal of their covenant, and fresh

dedicationofthemselvestoGod.Thiswasaseasonbothofsolemnityandsweetness, andGod seemed to be `in themidst of us.'Returned tomylodgings,intheevening,inacomfortableframeofmind'.

"Lord'sday,July13.Intheforenoondiscoursedonthebreadoflife,fromJohn vi. 35. God gave me some assistance, in part of my discourseespecially; and there appeared some tender affection in the assemblyunderdivinetruths;mysoulalsowassomewhatrefreshed.AdministeredthesacramentoftheLord'ssuppertothirty-onepersonsoftheIndians.God seemed to be present in this ordinance; the communicants weresweetlymeltedandrefreshed,mostofthem.Oh,howtheymelted,evenwhen the elements were first uncovered! There was scarcely a dry eyeamongthemwhenItookoffthelinen,andshowedthemthesymbolsofChrist'sbrokenbody.—Havingrestedalittle,aftertheadministrationofthesacrament,Ivisitedthecommunicants,andfoundthemgenerallyinasweet,lovingframe;notunlikewhatappearedamongthemontheformersacramental occasion, on April 27. In the afternoon, discoursed uponcomingtoChrist,andthesatisfactionofthosewhodoso,fromthesameverseIinsistedonintheforenoon.Thiswaslikewiseanagreeableseason,a season of much tenderness, affection, and enlargement in divineservice;andGod,Iampersuaded,crownedourassemblywithhisdivinepresence. I returnedhomemuchspent,yet rejoicing in thegoodnessofGod.

"Monday,July14.Wenttomypeople,anddiscoursedtothemfromPsal.cxix.106.`Ihavesworn,andIwillperformit,'&c.Observed,1.ThatallGod's judgmentsorcommandmentsarerighteous.2.ThatGod'speoplehavesworntokeepthem;andthistheydoespeciallyattheLord'stable.There appeared tobe apowerfuldivine influenceon the assembly, andconsiderablemeltingundertheword.AfterwardsIledthemtoarenewaloftheircovenantbeforeGod,(thattheywouldwatchoverthemselvesandone another, lest they should fall into sin and dishonour the name ofChrist,)justasIdidonMonday,April28.Thistransactionwasattendedwithgreatsolemnity;andGodseemedtoownitbyexcitinginthemafearandjealousyofthemselves,lesttheyshouldsinagainstGod;sothatthepresence of God seemed to be amongst us in this conclusion of thesacramentalsolemnity."

ThenextdayhesetoutonajourneytowardsPhiladelphia;fromwhencehedidnotreturntillSaturday.Hewentthisjourney,andspenttheweek,underagreatdegreeofillnessofbody,anddejectionofmind.

"Lord's day, July 20. Preached twice tomy people, fromJohn xvii. 24.`Father,Iwillthattheyalso,whomthouhastgivenme,bewithmewhereI am; that theymay beholdmy glory, which thou hast givenme.'Washelpedtodiscoursewithgreatclearnessandplainnessintheforenoon.Intheafternoon,enjoyedsometenderness,andspakewithsomeinfluence.Diverswereintears;andsome,toappearance,indistress.

"Monday,July2l.Preached to the Indians, chiefly for the sakeof somestrangers. Then proposed my design of taking a journey speedily toSusquehannah: exhortedmypeople to pray forme, thatGodwould bewith me in that journey, &c. Then chose divers persons of thecongregation to travel with me. Afterwards spent some time indiscoursing to thestrangers,andwassomewhatencouragedwith them.Tookcareofmypeople'ssecularbusiness,andwasnotalittleexercisedwithit.Hadsomedegreeofcomposureandcomfortinsecretretirement.

"Tuesday, July22.Was in adejected framemostof theday:wanted towearoutlife,andhaveitatanend;buthadsomedesiresoflivingtoGod,andwearingoutlifeforhim.OhthatIcouldindeeddoso!"

Thenextday,hewenttoElizabeth-town,toameetingofthePresbytery;andspentthis,andThursday,andtheformerpartofFriday,underaverygreat degree of melancholy, and exceeding gloominess of mind; notthrough any fear of future punishment, but as being distressed with asenselessness of all good, so that thewholeworld appeared empty andgloomytohim.ButinthelatterpartofFridayhewasgreatlyrelievedandcomforted.

"Saturday, July 26. Was comfortable in the morning; my countenanceandheartwerenotsad,asindayspast;enjoyedsomesweetnessinliftingupmyhearttoGod.Rodehometomypeople,andwasinacomfortable,pleasantframebytheway;myspiritsweremuchrelievedoftheirburden,and I felt free to go through all difficulties and labors in myMaster'sservice.

"Lord'sday,July27.Discoursedtomypeople,intheforenoon,fromLukexii.37.onthedutyandbenefitofwatching:Godhelpedmeinthelatterpartofmydiscourse,andthepowerofGodappearedintheassembly.Inthe afternoondiscoursed fromLukexiii. 25. `Whenonce themasterofthehouse isrisenup,'&c.HerealsoIenjoyedsomeassistance,andtheSpiritofGodseemedtoattendwhatwasspoken,sothattherewasagreatsolemnity,andsometearsamongIndiansandothers.

"Monday, July 28. Was very weak, and scarce able to perform anybusiness at all; but enjoyed sweetness and comfort in prayer, bothmorning and evening; andwas composed and comfortable through theday:mymindwasintense,andmyheartfervent,atleastinsomedegree,insecretduties;andIlongedtospendandbespentforGod.

"Tuesday, July 29. My mind was cheerful, and free from thosemelancholydampsthatIamoftenexercisedwith:hadfreedominlookingup to God at sundry times in the day. In the evening I enjoyed acomfortableseasoninsecretprayer;washelpedtopleadwithGodformyown dear people, that hewould carry on his own blessedwork amongthem;wasassistedalsoinprayingforthedivinepresencetoattendmeinmy intended journey to Susquehannah; and was helped to rememberdearbrethrenandfriendsinNewEngland.Iscarceknewhowtoleavethethroneofgrace,anditgrievedmethatIwasobligedtogotobed;Ilongedto do something for God, but knew not how. Blessed be God for thisfreedomfromdejection.

"Wednesday, July30.Wasuncommonly comfortable,both inbodyandmind;intheforenoonespecially:mymindwassolemn,Iwasassistedinmy work, and God seemed to be near to me; so that the day was ascomfortable asmost I have enjoyed for some time. In the eveningwasfavoured with assistance in secret prayer, and felt much as I did theevening before. Blessed be God for that freedom I then enjoyed at thethroneofgrace,formyself,mypeople,andmydearfriends.ItisgoodformetodrawneartoGod."

He seems to have continued very much in the same free, comfortablestateofmindthenextday.

"Friday,Aug. 1. In theeveningenjoyedasweet season insecretprayer;clouds of darkness and perplexing care were sweetly scattered, andnothinganxiousremained.Oh,howserenewasmymindatthisseason!how free from that distracting concern I have often felt! `Thy will bedone,'wasapetitionsweettomysoul;andifGodhadbiddenmechooseformyselfinanyaffair,Ishouldhavechosenrathertohavereferredthechoicetohim;forIsawhewasinfinitelywise,andcouldnotdoanythingamiss, as Iwas in danger of doing.Was assisted in prayer formydearflock,thatGodwouldpromotehisownworkamongthem,andthatGodwouldgowithmeinmyintendedjourneytoSusquehannah:washelpedtorememberdearfriendsinNewEngland,andmydearbrethrenintheministry.Ifoundenoughinthesweetdutyofprayertohaveengagedmetocontinueinitthewholenight,wouldmybodilystatehaveadmittedofit.Oh,howsweetitistobeenabledheartilytosay,Lord,notmywill,butthinebedone!

"Saturday,Aug.2.NearnightpreachedfromMatt.xi.29.`Takemyyokeuponyou,'&c.Wasconsiderablyhelped;andthepresenceofGodseemedtobesomewhatremarkablyintheassembly;divinetruthsmadepowerfulimpressions, both upon saints and sinners. Blessed be God for such arevival among us. In the eveningwas veryweary, but foundmy spiritssupportedandrefreshed.

"Lord'sday,Aug.3.Discoursedtomypeople,intheforenoon,fromCol.iii.4.andobserved,thatChrististhebeliever'slife.Godhelpedme,andgave me his presence in this discourse; and it was a season ofconsiderable power in the assembly. In the afternoon preached fromLukexix.41,42.`Andwhenhewascomenear,hebeheldthecity,'&c.Ienjoyedsomeassistance;thoughnotsomuchasintheforenoon.IntheeveningIenjoyedfreedomandsweetnessinsecretprayer;Godenlargedmyheart,freedmefrommelancholydamps,andgavemesatisfactionindrawing near to himself. Oh thatmy soul couldmagnify the Lord, fortheseseasonsofcomposureandresignationtohiswill!

"Monday,Aug.4. Spent theday inwriting; enjoyedmuch freedomandassistanceinmywork:wasinacomposedandcomfortableframemostoftheday;andintheeveningenjoyedsomesweetnessinprayer.BlessedbeGod,myspiritswereyetup,andIwasfreefromsinkingdamps;asIhave

been in general ever since I came fromElizabeth-town last.Ohwhat amercyisthis!

"Tuesday, Aug. 5. Towards night preached at the funeral of one ofmyChristians,fromIsa.

lvii.2.`Heshallenterintopeace,'&c.Iwasoppressedwiththenervousheadache,andconsiderablydejected:however,hadalittlefreedomsomepartofthetimeIwasdiscoursing.Wasextremelywearyintheevening;but notwithstanding, enjoyed some liberty and cheerfulness ofmind inprayer: and found the dejection that I feared, much removed, andmyspiritsconsiderablyrefreshed."

Hecontinuedinaverycomfortable,cheerfulframeofmindthenextday,withhisheartenlargedintheserviceofGod.

"Thursday,Aug. 7.Rode tomyhouse,where I spent the lastwinter, inordertobringsomethingsIneededformySusquehannahjourney:wasrefreshed to see that place,whichGod somarvellously visitedwith theshowersofhisgrace.OhhowamazingdidthepowerofGodoftenappearthere!BlesstheLord,Omysoul,andforgetnotallhisbenefits."

Thenextdayhespeaksofliberty,enlargement,andsweetnessofmindinprayerandreligiousconversation.

"Saturday,Aug.9.Intheafternoonvisitedmypeople;settheiraffairsinorder, asmuchaspossible, and contrived for them themanagementoftheir worldly business; discoursed to them in a solemn manner, andconcludedwith prayer.Was composed and comfortable in the evening,andsomewhat fervent insecretprayer;hadsomesenseandviewof theeternalworld,andfoundaserenityofmind.OhthatIcouldmagnifytheLordforanyfreedomheaffordsmeinprayer!

"Lord'sday,Aug.10.Discoursedtomypeople,bothpartsoftheday,fromActsiii.19.`Repentye,therefore,'&c.Indiscoursingofrepentanceintheforenoon,Godhelpedme,sothatmydiscoursewassearching;somewereintears,bothoftheIndiansandwhitepeople,andthewordofGodwasattended with some power. In the intermission I was engaged in

discoursing to some in order to their baptism; aswell aswithonewhohad then lately met with some comfort, after spiritual trouble anddistress.Intheafternoonwassomewhatassistedagain,thoughweakandweary.Afterwardsbaptizedsixpersons;threeadults,andthreechildren.Wasinacomfortableframeintheevening,andenjoyedsomesatisfactioninsecretprayer.Iscarceeverinmylifefeltmyselfsofulloftendernessasthisday.

"Monday,Aug.11.BeingabouttosetoutonajourneytoSusquehannahthe next day, with leave of Providence, I spent some time this day inprayerwithmypeople, thatGodwouldbless and succeedmy intendedjourney;thathewouldsendforthhisblessedSpiritwithhisword,andsetuphiskingdomamong thepoor Indians in thewilderness.While Iwasopeningandapplyingpartofthe110thand2dPsalms,thepowerofGodseemed to descend on the assembly in somemeasure; andwhile Iwasmaking the first prayer, numbers were melted, and I found someaffectionateenlargementofsoulmyself.PreachedfromActsiv.31.`Andwhentheyhadprayed,theplacewasshaken,'&c.Godhelpedme,andmyinterpreteralso:therewasashakingandmeltingamongus;anddivers,Idoubtnot,wereinsomemeasure`filledwiththeHolyGhost.'AfterwardsMr. Macknight prayed: I then opened the two last stanzas of the 72dPsalm;atwhichtimeGodwaspresentwithus;especiallywhileIinsisteduponthepromiseofallnationsblessingthegreatRedeemer.Mysoulwasrefreshed to think, that this day, this blessed glorious season, shouldsurelycome;andItrust,numbersofmydearpeoplewerealsorefreshed.Afterwards prayed; had some freedom, but was almost spent: thenwalked out, and left my people to carry on religious exercises amongthemselves: they prayed repeatedly, and sung, while I rested andrefreshed myself. Afterwards went to the meeting; prayed with anddismissed the assembly. Blessed be God, this has been a day of grace.Thereweremany tears andaffectionate sobsamongus thisday. In theeveningmysoulwasrefreshedinprayer:enjoyedlibertyatthethroneofgrace, in praying formy people and friends, and the church of God ingeneral.BlesstheLord,Omysoul."

ThenextdayhesetoutonhisjourneytowardsSusquehannah,andsixofhis Christian Indians with him, whom he had chosen out of his

congregation, as those that he judged most fit to assist him in thebusiness he was going upon. He took his way through Philadelphia;intending to go toSusquehannah river, fardown,where it is settledbythewhitepeople,belowthecountry inhabitedbytheIndians;andsototraveluptherivertotheIndianhabitations.Foralthoughthiswasmuchfarther about, yet hereby he avoided the hugemountains, and hideouswilderness,thatmustbecrossedinthenearerway;whichintimepasthefoundtobeextremelydifficultandfatiguing.HerodethisweekasfarasCharlestown, a place of that name about thirty miles westward ofPhiladelphia;wherehearrivedonFriday:andinhiswayhitherwas,forthemostpart,inacomposed,comfortablestateofmind.

"Saturday,Aug.16.[AtCharlestown]ItbeingadaykeptbythepeopleoftheplacewhereInowwas,aspreparatorytothecelebrationoftheLord'ssupper,Itarried;heardMr.Treatpreach;andthenpreachedmyself.Godgavemesomegooddegreeoffreedom,andhelpedmetodiscoursewithwarmth,andapplicationtotheconscience.AfterwardsIwasrefreshedinspirit,thoughmuchtired;andspenttheeveningagreeably,havingsomefreedominprayer,aswellasChristianconversation.

"Lord'sday,Aug.17.Enjoyedliberty,composure,andsatisfaction,inthesecretdutiesofthemorning:hadmyheartsomewhatenlargedinprayerfor dear friends, as well as for myself. In the forenoon attended Mr.Treat's preaching, partook of the Lord's supper, five ofmy people alsocommunicatinginthisholyordinance:Ienjoyedsomeenlargementandoutgoing of soul in this season. In the afternoon preached from Ezek.xxxiii.11.`Sayuntothem,AsIlive,saiththeLordGod,'&c.Enjoyednotsomuch sensible assistance as the day before: however, was helped tosomefervencyinaddressingimmortalsouls.Wassomewhatconfoundedintheevening,becauseIthoughtIhaddonelittleornothingforGod;yetenjoyedsomerefreshmentofspiritinChristianconversationandprayer.Spenttheevening,tillnearmidnight,inreligiousexercises;andfoundmybodily strength, which was much spent when I came from the publicworship,somethingrenewedbeforeIwenttobed.

"Monday,Aug.18.RodeonmywaytowardsPaxton,uponSusquehannahriver.Feltmyspiritssink,towardsnight,sothatIhadlittlecomfort.

"Tuesday,Aug.19.Rodeforwardstill;andatnightlodgedbythesideofSusquehannah.Was weak and disordered both this and the precedingday,andfoundmyspiritsconsiderablydamped,meetingwithnonethatIthoughtgodlypeople.

"Wednesday, Aug. 20.Having lain in a cold sweat all night, I coughedmuchbloodymatterthismorning,andwasundergreatdisorderofbody,andnotalittlemelancholy;butwhatgavemesomeencouragement,was,IhadasecrethopethatImightspeedilygetadismissionfromearth,andall its toils and sorrows. Rode this day to one Chambers', uponSusquehannah, and there lodged. Was much afflicted, in the evening,withanungodlycrew,drinking,swearing,&c.Oh,whatahellwoulditbe,tobenumberedwiththeungodly!Enjoyedsomeagreeableconversationwithatraveler,whoseemedtohavesomerelishoftruereligion.

"Thursday, Aug. 21. Rode up the river about fifteen miles, and therelodged, in a family that appeared quite destitute of God. Labored todiscourse with the man about the life of religion, but found him veryartfulinevadingsuchconversation.Oh,whatadeathitistosometohearofthethingsofGod!Wasoutofmyelement;butwasnotsodejectedasatsometimes.

"Friday,Aug.22.Continuedmycourseuptheriver;mypeoplenowbeingwithme,whobeforewerepartedfromme;traveledabovealltheEnglishsettlements; at night lodged in the open woods; and slept with morecomfortthanwhileamonganungodlycompanyofwhitepeople.Enjoyedsomelibertyinsecretprayerthisevening;andwashelpedtorememberdearfriends,aswellasmydearflock,andthechurchofGodingeneral.

"Saturday,Aug.23.ArrivedattheIndiantown,calledShaumoking,nearnight.Wasnotsodejectedasformerly;butyetsomewhatexercised.Feltsomewhatcomposedintheevening;enjoyedsomefreedominleavingmyallwithGod.ThroughthegreatgoodnessofGod,Ienjoyedsomelibertyof mind; and was not distressed with a despondency, as frequentlyheretofore.

"Lord'sday,Aug.24.Towardsnoon,visitedsomeoftheDelawares,anddiscoursedwiththemaboutChristianity.Intheafternoondiscoursedto

theking,andothers,upondivinethings;whoseemedtodisposetohear.Spentmost of the day in these exercises. In the evening enjoyed somecomfort and satisfaction; and especially had some sweetness in secretprayer. This duty was made so agreeable to me, that I loved to walkabroad and repeatedly engage in it. Oh, how comfortable is a littleglimpseofGod!

"Monday,Aug.25.Spentmostofthedayinwriting.Sentoutmypeoplethatwerewithme,totalkwiththeIndians,andcontractafriendshipandfamiliaritywiththem,thatImighthaveabetteropportunityof treatingwiththemaboutChristianity.Somegoodseemedtobedonebytheirvisitthis day, divers appeared willing to hearken to Christianity.My spiritswere a little refreshed this evening; and I found some liberty andsatisfactioninprayer.

"Tuesday,Aug.26.Aboutnoondiscoursed toa considerablenumberofIndians:God helpedme, I am persuaded: Iwas enabled to speakwithmuch plainness, and some warmth and power. The discourse hadimpression upon some, andmade them appear very serious. I thoughtthingsnowappeared as encouraging, as theydid atCrossweeks.At thetimeofmyfirstvisittothoseIndians,Iwasalittleencouraged:Ipressedthings with all my might; and called out my people, who were thenpresent,togiveintheirtestimonyforGod;whichtheydid.Towardsnightwas refreshed; felt a heart to pray for the setting up ofGod's kingdomhere; as well as for my dear congregation below, and my dear friendselsewhere.

"Wednesday, Aug. 27. There having been a thick smoke in the housewhereIlodgedallnightbefore,wherebyIwasalmostchoked,Iwasthismorningdistressedwithpains inmyheadandneck,andcouldhavenorest. In themorning the smokewas still the same; and a cold easterlystormgathering, I couldneither livewithindoorsnorwithoutany longtimetogether.Iwaspiercedwiththerawnessoftheairabroad,andinthehousedistressedwiththesmoke.Iwasthisdayveryvapory,andlivedingreatdistress,andhadnothealthenoughtodoanythingtoanypurpose.

"Thursday,Aug.28.IntheforenoonIwasundergreatconcernofmindabout my work. Was visited by some who desired to hear me preach;

discoursedtothem,intheafternoon,withsomefervency,andlaboredtopersuade them to turn toGod.Was full of concern for the kingdom ofChrist,andfoundsomeenlargementofsoulinprayer,bothinsecretandinmyfamily.Scarceeversawmoreclearly,thanthisday,thatitisGod'swork toconvertsouls,andespeciallypoorheathens. IknewIcouldnottouchthem;IsawIcouldonlyspeaktodrybones,butcouldgivethemnosenseofwhat I said.Myeyeswereup toGod forhelp: I could say, theworkwashis;andifdone,theglorywouldbehis.

"Friday, Aug. 29. Felt the same concern of mind as the day before.Enjoyedsomefreedominprayer,andasatisfactiontoleaveallwithGod.TraveledtotheDelawares,foundfewathome:feltpoorly,butwasabletospendsometimealoneinreadingGod'swordandinprayer,andenjoyedsomesweetnessintheseexercises.Intheeveningwasassistedrepeatedlyinprayer,andfoundsomecomfortincomingtothethroneofgrace.

"Saturday, Aug. 30. Spent the forenoon in visiting a trader, that camedown the river sick; who appeared as ignorant as any Indian. In theafternoonspentsometimeinwriting,reading,andprayer.

"Lord's day,Aug. 31. Spentmuch time in themorning in secret duties:found a weight upon my spirits, and could not but cry to God withconcern and engagement of soul. Spent some time also in reading andexpoundingGod'swordtomydearfamily,thatwaswithme,aswellasinsingingandprayerwiththem.Afterwards,spakethewordofGodtosomefew of the Susquehannah Indians. In the afternoon felt very weak andfeeble.Nearnightwassomethingrefreshedinmind,withsomeviewsofthingsrelatingtomygreatwork.Oh,howheavyismywork,whenfaithcannot take hold of an almighty arm, for the performance of it!ManytimeshaveIbeenreadytosinkinthiscase.BlessedbeGod,thatImayrepairtoafullfountain.

"Monday,Sept.1.Setoutona journey towardsaplacecalledThegreatisland,about fiftymilesdistant fromShaumoking, in thenorth-westernbranch of Susquehannah. Traveled some part of the way, and at nightlodgedinthewoods.Wasexceedingfeeblethisday,andsweatmuchthenightfollowing.

"Tuesday,Sept.2.Rode forward;butno faster thanmypeoplewentonfoot.Wasveryweak,onthisaswellastheprecedingdays.Iwassofeebleand faint, that I feared it would killme to lie out in the open air; andsomeofourcompanybeingparted fromus,so thatwehadnownoaxewithus, Ihadnowaybut toclimb intoayoungpine-tree,andwithmyknife to lop thebranches, andsomadea shelter from thedew.But theeveningbeing cloudy, andvery likely for rain, Iwas still under fearsofbeingextremelyexposed:sweatmuchinthenight,sothatmylinenwasalmostwringingwet all night. I scarce everwasmoreweak andwearythanthisevening,whenIwasabletositupatall.ThiswasamelancholysituationIwasin;butIendeavouredtoquietmyselfwithconsiderationsof the possibility of my being in much worse circumstances, amongstenemies,&c.

"Wednesday,Sept.3.RodetotheDelaware-town;founddiversdrinkingand drunken. Discoursed with some of the Indians about Christianity;observedmy interpretermuch engaged and assisted in hiswork; somefew persons seemed to hearwith great earnestness and engagement ofsoul.AboutnoonrodetoasmalltownofShauwaunoes,abouteightmilesdistant;spentanhourortwothere,andreturnedtotheDelaware-town,andlodgedthere.Wasscarceevermoreconfoundedwithasenseofmyown unfruitfulness and unfitness for my work, than now. Oh, what adead,heartless,barren,unprofitablewretchdid Inowseemyself tobe!Myspiritsweresolow,andmybodilystrengthsowasted,thatIcoulddonothing at all. At length, beingmuch overdone, lay downon a buffalo-skin;butsweatmuchthewholenight.

"Thursday,Sept. 4.Discoursedwith the Indians, in themorning, aboutChristianity;my interpreter, afterwards, carrying on the discourse to aconsiderable length. Some few appeared well-disposed, and somewhataffected.Leftthisplace,andreturnedtowardsShaumoking;andatnightlodgedintheplacewhereIlodgedtheMondaynightbefore:wasinveryuncomfortable circumstances in the evening, my people being belated,andnotcomingtometillpasttenatnight;sothatIhadnofiretodressany victuals, or to keep me warm, or keep off wild beasts; and I wasscarceevermoreweakandwornoutinallmylife.However,Ilaydownandsleptbeforemypeoplecameup,expectingnothingelsebuttospend

thewholenightalone,andwithoutfire.

"Friday, Sept. 5. Was exceeding weak, so that I could scarcely ride; itseemedsometimesasifImustfallofffrommyhorse,andlieintheopenwoods: however, got to Shaumoking towards night: felt something of aspiritofthankfulness,thatGodhadsofarreturnedme:wasrefreshedtoseeoneofmyChristians,whomIlefthereinmylateexcursion.

"Saturday, Sept. 6. Spent the day in a very weak state; coughing andspittingblood,andhavinglittleappetitetoanyfoodIhadwithme:wasabletodoverylittle,exceptdiscourseawhileofdivinethingstomyownpeople,andtosomefewImetwith.Had,bythistime,very little lifeorhearttospeakforGod,throughfeeblenessofbody,andflatnessofspirits.Wasscarcelyevermoreashamedandconfoundedinmyself,thannow.Iwassensible,thattherewerenumbersofGod'speople,whoknewIwasthenoutuponadesign(oratleastthepretence)ofdoingsomethingforGod,and inhiscause,among thepoor Indians;and theywereready tosuppose,thatIwasferventinspirit:butoh,theheartlessframeofmindthatIfeltfilledmewithconfusion!Oh(methought)ifGod'speopleknewme, as God knows, they would not think so highly of my zeal andresolution forGod,asperhapsnowtheydo! Icouldnotbutdesire theyshould see how heartless and irresolute I was, that they might beundeceived,and`not thinkofmeabovewhat theyought to think.'Andyet I thought, if they saw theutmostofmy flatnessandunfaithfulness,thesmallnessofmycourageandresolutionforGod,theywouldbereadytoshutmeoutoftheirdoors,asunworthyofthecompanyorfriendshipofChristians.

"Lord's day, Sept. 7. Was much in the same weak state of body, andafflictedframeofmind,asintheprecedingday:mysoulwasgrieved,andmournedthatIcoulddonothingforGod.ReadandexpoundedsomepartofGod'swordtomyowndearfamily,andspentsometimeinprayerwiththem;discoursedalsoalittletothepagans:butspentthesabbathwithalittlecomfort.

"Monday, Sept. 8. Spent the forenoon among the Indians; in theafternoonleftShaumoking,andreturneddowntheriverafewmiles.Hadproposed tohave tarrieda considerable time longeramong the Indians

uponSusquehannah;butwashinderedfrompursuingmypurposebythesicknessthatprevailedthere,theweaklycircumstancesofmyownpeoplethat were with me, and especially my own extraordinary weakness,havingbeenexercisedwithgreatnocturnalsweats,andacoughingupofblood,inalmostthewholeofthejourney.Iwasagreatpartofthetimesofeebleandfaint,thatitseemedasthoughInevershouldbeabletoreachhome; and at the same time very destitute of the comforts, and evennecessaries,oflife;atleast,whatwasnecessaryforoneinsoweakastate.Inthis journeyIsometimeswasenabledtospeakthewordofGodwithsome power, and divine truths made some impressions on divers thatheardme;sothatseveral,bothmenandwomen,oldandyoung,seemedto cleave to us, and be well disposed towards Christianity; but othersmockedandshouted,whichdamped thosewhobeforeseemed friendly,atleastsomeofthem.YetGod,attimes,wasevidentlypresent,assistingme,myinterpreter,andotherdearfriendswhowerewithme.Godgave,sometimes, a good degree of freedom in prayer for the ingathering ofsoulsthere;andIcouldnotbutentertainastronghope,thatthejourneyshould not be wholly fruitless. Whether the issue of it would be thesetting up of Christ's kingdom there, or only the drawing of some fewpersonsdown tomycongregation inNewJersey;orwhether theywerenowonlybeingpreparedforsomefurtherattempts,thatmightbemadeamongthem,Ididnotdetermine:butIwaspersuadedthejourneywouldnotbelost.BlessedbeGod,thatIhadanyencouragementandhope.

"Tuesday,Sept.9.Rodedowntherivernearthirtymiles.Wasextremelyweak, much fatigued, and wet with a thunder-storm. Discoursed withsomewarmthandclosenesstosomepoorignorantsouls,onthelifeandpowerofreligion;whatwere,andwhatwerenot,theevidencesofit.Theyseemedmuchastonishedwhen theysawmyIndiansaskablessingandgive thanks at dinner; concluding that a very high evidence of grace inthem: but were astonished when I insisted that neither that, nor yetsecretprayer,wassureevidenceofgrace.Ohtheignoranceoftheworld!How are some empty outward forms, that may all be entirely selfish,mistaken for true religion, infallible evidences of it! The Lord pity adeludedworld!

"Wednesday, Sept. l0. Rode near twenty miles homeward. Was much

solicitedtopreach,butwasutterlyunable,throughbodilyweakness.Wasextremelyoverdonewiththeheatandshowersthisday,andcoughedupaconsiderablequantityofblood.

"Thursday,Sept.11.Rodehomeward;butwasveryweak,andsometimesscarce able to ride. Had a very importunate invitation to preach at ameeting-houseIcameby,thepeoplebeingthengathering;butcouldnot,byreasonofweakness.Wasresignedandcomposedundermyweakness;butwasmuchexercisedwithconcernformycompanionsintravel,whomIhadleftwithmuchregret,somelame,andsomesick.

"Friday, Sept. 12. Rode about fifty miles; and came just at night to aChristian friend's house, about twenty-five miles westward fromPhiladelphia. Was courteously received, and kindly entertained, andfoundmyselfmuchrefreshedinthemidstofmyweaknessandfatigues.

"Saturday, Sept. 13. Was still agreeably entertained with Christianfriendship, and all things necessary formyweak circumstances. In theafternoon heard Mr. Treat preach; and was refreshed in conversationwithhimintheevening.

"Lord's day, Sept. 14. At the desire of Mr. Treat and the people, Ipreachedbothpartsof theday (but short) fromLukexiv.23. `And theLordsaiduntotheservant,goout,'&c.Godgavemesomefreedomandwarmth in my discourse; and, I trust, helped me in some measure tolabor in singleness of heart. Was much tired in the evening, but wascomfortedwiththemosttendertreatmentIevermetwithinmylife.Mymindthroughthewholeofthisdaywasexceedingcalm;andIcouldaskfornothinginprayer,withanyencouragementofsoul,butthat`thewillofGodmightbedone.'

"Monday, Sept. 15. Spent the whole day in concert with Mr. Treat, inendeavourstocomposeadifference,subsistingbetweencertainpersonsin the congregation where we now were; and there seemed to be ablessing on our endeavours. In the evening baptized a child: was in acalm, composed frame, and enjoyed, I trust, a spiritual sense of divinethings,whileadministering theordinance.Afterwardsspent the time inreligiousconversation, till late in thenight.Thiswas indeedapleasant,

agreeableevening.

"Tuesday,Sept.16.Continuedstillatmyfriend'shouse,abouttwenty-fivemileswestwardofPhiladelphia.Was veryweak, unable toperformanybusiness,andscarcelyabletositup.

"Wednesday, Sept. 17. Rode into Philadelphia. Still very weak, andmycough and spitting of blood continued. Enjoyed some agreeableconversationwithfriends,butwantedmorespirituality.

"Thursday, Sept. 18. Went from Philadelphia to Mr. Treat's: wasagreeablyentertainedontheroad:andwasinasweet,composedframe,intheevening.

"Friday, Sept. 19. Rode fromMr. Treat's to Mr. Stockston's at Prince-town:wasextremelyweak,butkindlyreceivedandentertained.Spenttheeveningwithsomedegreeofsatisfaction.

"Saturday,Sept.20.Arrivedamongmyownpeople, justatnight:foundthem praying together; went in, and gave them some account of God'sdealings with me and my companions in the journey; which seemedaffecting to them. I then prayed with them, and thought the divinepresencewasamongstus;diversweremelted into tears,andseemedtohave a sense of divine things. Being very weak, I was obliged soon torepairtomylodgings,andfeltmuchwornoutintheevening.ThusGodhas carried me through the fatigues and perils of another journey toSusquehannah, and returnedme again in safety, though under a greatdegree of bodily indisposition.Oh thatmy soulwere truly thankful forrenewedinstancesofmercy!ManyhardshipsanddistressesIenduredinthisjourney;buttheLordsupportedmeunderthemall."

Brainerd'sDeath

AfterhisreturnfromhislastjourneytoSusquehannah,untilhisdeath.

HithertoMr. Brainerd had kept a constant diary, giving an account ofwhat passed from day to day, with very little interruption: buthenceforward his diary is very much interrupted by his illness; underwhichhewasoftenbroughtsolow,aseithernottobecapableofwriting,ornotwellabletobeartheburdenofacaresoconstant,aswasrequisite,torecollecteveryeveningwhathadpassedintheday,anddigestit,andsetdownanorderlyaccountofitinwriting.However,hisdiarywasnotwhollyneglected;buthetookcare,fromtimetotime,totakesomenoticein itof themostmaterial thingsconcerninghimselfandthestateofhismind, even till within a few days of his death; as the reader will seeafterwards.[50]

"Lord'sday,Sept.21,1746.IwassoweakIcouldnotpreach,norpretendtorideovertomypeopleintheforenoon.Intheafternoonrodeout;satinmychair,anddiscoursedtomypeoplefromRom.xiv.7,8.`Fornoneof us liveth to himself,' &c. I was strengthened and helped in mydiscourse; and there appeared something agreeable in the assembly. Ireturned to my lodgings extremely tired; but thankful that I had beenenabled to speak aword tomy poor people I had been so long absentfrom.Wasabletosleepverylittlethisnight,throughwearinessandpain.Oh, how blessed should I be, if the little I dowere all donewith rightviews!Ohthat,`whetherIlive,ImightlivetotheLord,'&c.

"Saturday,Sept.27.Spentthisday,aswellasthewholeweekpast,underagreatdegreeofbodilyweakness,exercisedwithaviolentcough,andaconsiderablefever.Ihadnoappetitetoanykindoffood;andfrequentlybroughtupwhatIate,assoonasitwasdown;andoftentimeshadlittlerest in my bed by reason of pains in my breast and back. I was able,however, torideover tomypeopleabout twomileseveryday,andtakesomecareofthosewhowerethenatworkuponasmallhouseformetoresideinamongsttheIndians.[51]Iwassometimesscarceabletowalk,andneverabletositupthewholeday,throughtheweek.Wascalmand

composed,andbutlittleexercisedwithmelancholydamps,asinformerseasonsofweakness.WhetherIshouldeverrecoverorno,seemedverydoubtful;butthiswasmanytimesacomforttome,thatlifeanddeathdidnot depend upon my choice. I was pleased to think, that he who isinfinitelywise,had thedeterminationof thismatter; and that Ihadnotroubletoconsiderandweighthingsuponallsides,inordertomakethechoice,whetherIshouldliveordie.Thusmytimewasconsumed;Ihadlittlestrengthtopray,nonetowriteorread,andscarceanytomeditate:butthroughdivinegoodness,Icouldwithgreatcomposurelookdeathinthe face, and frequently with sensible joy. Oh, how blessed it is, to behabitually prepared for death! The Lord grant that I may be actuallyreadyalso!

"Lord's day, Sept. 28. Rode to my people; and, though under muchweakness,attemptedtopreachfrom2Cor.xiii.5.`Examineyourselves,'&c.Discoursedabouthalfanhour;atwhichseasondivinepowerseemedtoattendtheword:butbeingextremelyweak,Iwasobligedtodesist:andafteraturnoffaintness,withmuchdifficultyrodetomylodgings;wherebetakingmyselftomybed,Ilayinaburningfever,andalmostdelirious,for severalhours; till towardsmorningmy feverwentoffwithaviolentsweat. I have often been feverish, and unable to rest quietly afterpreaching; but this was the most severe, distressing turn that everpreachingbroughtuponme.YetIfeltperfectlyatrestinmyownmind,because I hadmademyutmost attempts to speak forGod, andknew Icoulddonomore.

"Tuesday,Sept.30.Yesterday,andto-day,wasinthesameweakstate,orratherweaker than indayspast;was scarce able to sit uphalf theday.Was ina composed frameofmind, remarkably free fromdejectionandmelancholy damps; as God has been pleased, in a great measure, todeliver me from these unhappy glooms, in the general course of mypresentweaknesshitherto,andalso fromapeevish, forwardspirit.Andohhowgreatamercyisthis!OhthatImightalwaysbeperfectlyquietinseasons of greatestweakness, althoughnature should sink and fail!OhthatImayalwaysbeablewithutmostsinceritytosay`Lord,notmywill,butthinebedone!'This,throughgrace,Icansayatpresent,withregardto lifeordeath,`TheLorddowithmeasseemsgood inhissight;' that

whether I live or die, I may glorify him, who is `worthy to receiveblessing,andhonour,anddominionforever.Amen.'

"Saturday,Oct.4.Spenttheformerpartofthisweekunderagreatdegreeof infirmityanddisorder,as Ihaddoneseveralweeksbefore:wasable,however,toridealittleeveryday,althoughunabletosituphalftheday,till Thursday. Took some care daily of some persons at work uponmyhouse. On Friday afternoon found myself wonderfully revived andstrengthened; and having some time before given notice tomy people,andthoseofthemattheForksofDelawareinparticular,thatIdesigned,with leave of Providence, to administer the sacrament of the Lord'ssupperuponthefirstsabbathinOctober,thesabbathnowapproaching,on Friday afternoon I preached, preparatory to the sacrament, from 2Cor. xiii. 5. finishingwhat Ihadproposed toofferupon the subject thesabbath before. The sermon was blessed of God to the stirring upreligiousaffection,andaspiritofdevotion,inthepeopleofGod;andtothe greatly affecting onewhohad backslidden fromGod,which causedhimtojudgeandcondemnhimself.IwassurprisinglystrengthenedinmyworkwhileIwasspeaking:butwasobligedimmediatelyaftertorepairtobed,beingnow removed intomyownhouseamong the Indians;whichgavemesuchspeedyreliefandrefreshment,asIcouldnotwellhavelivedwithout.SpentsometimeonFridaynightinconversingwithmypeopleaboutdivinethings,asIlayuponmybed;andfoundmysoulrefreshed,thoughmybodywasweak.ThisbeingSaturday,Idiscoursedparticularlywithdiversofthecommunicants;andthisafternoonpreachedfromZech.xii.10.`AndIwillpouronthehouseofDavid,'&c.Thereseemedtobeatender melting, and hearty mourning for sin, in numbers in thecongregation.Mysoulwasinacomfortableframe,andIenjoyedfreedomand assistance in public service; was myself, as well as most of thecongregation, much affected with the humble confession and apparentbroken-heartednessof the forementionedbackslider; and couldnotbutrejoice,thatGodhadgivenhimsuchasenseofhissinandunworthiness.Wasextremelytiredintheevening;butlayonmybed,anddiscoursedtomypeople.

"Lord'sday,Oct.5.Wasstillveryweak;andinthemorningconsiderablyafraid I should not be able to go through the work of the day; having

much to do, both in private and public. Discoursed before theadministrationof thesacrament, fromJohn1.29.`Behold theLambofGod, that taketh away the sin of the world.'Where I considered, I. InwhatrespectsChristiscalledtheLambofGod:andobservedthatheissocalled, (1.) From the purity and innocency of his nature. (2.) From hismeekness and patience under sufferings. (3.) From his being thatatonement, which was pointed out in the sacrifice of lambs, and inparticularbythepaschallamb.II.Consideredhowandinwhatsensehe`takes away the sin of the world:' and observed, that the means andmanner,inandbywhichhetakesawaythesinsofmen,washis`givinghimself for them,'doingandsuffering intheirroomandstead,&c.Andheissaidtotakeawaythesinoftheworld,notbecausealltheworldshallactuallyberedeemedfromsinbyhim;butbecause,(1.)Hehasdoneandsufferedsufficienttoanswerforthesinsoftheworld,andsotoredeemallmankind.(2.)Heactuallydoestakeawaythesinsof theelectworld.And,III.Consideredhowwearetobeholdhim,inordertohaveoursinstakenaway.(1.)Notwithourbodilyeyes.Nor,(2.)Byimagininghimonthecross,&c.Butbyaspiritualviewofhisgloryandgoodness,engagingthe soul to rely on him, &c. — The divine presence attended thisdiscourse;andtheassemblywasconsiderablymeltedwithdivinetruths.Aftersermonbaptizedtwopersons.ThenadministeredtheLord'ssuppertonearfortycommunicantsoftheIndians,besidesdiversdearChristiansofthewhitepeople.Itseemedtobeaseasonofdivinepowerandgrace;andnumbersseemedtorejoiceinGod.Oh,thesweetunionandharmonythenappearingamongthereligiouspeople!Mysoulwasrefreshed,andmyreligious friends,of thewhitepeople,withme.After thesacrament,couldscarcelygethome,thoughitwasnotmorethantwentyroods;butwassupportedandledbymyfriends,andlaidonmybed;whereIlayinpain till some time in the evening; and then was able to sit up anddiscoursewithfriends.Oh,howwasthisdayspentinprayersandpraisesamongmy dear people! Onemight hear them, all themorning, beforepubicworship,andintheevening,tillnearmidnight,prayingandsingingpraises toGod, in oneor other of theirhouses.My soulwas refreshed,thoughmybodywasweak."

Thisweek,intwodays,thoughinaverylowstate,hewenttoElizabeth-town,toattendthemeetingoftheSynodthere:butwasdisappointedby

itsremovaltoNewYork.Hecontinuedinaverycomposed,comfortableframeofmind.

"Saturday, Oct. 11. Towards night was seized with an ague, which wasfollowedwithahardfever,andconsiderablepain:wastreatedwithgreatkindness,andwasashamedtoseesomuchconcernaboutsounworthyacreature, as I knewmyself to be.Was in a comfortable frame ofmind,whollysubmissive,withregardto lifeordeath.Itwas indeedapeculiarsatisfaction tome, to think, that it was notmy concern or business todeterminewhetherIshouldliveordie.Ilikewisefeltpeculiarlysatisfied,while under this uncommon degree of disorder; being now fullyconvinced of my being really weak, and unable to perform my work.Whereasatother timesmymindwasperplexedwith fears, thatIwasamisimproveroftime,byconceitingIwassick,whenIwasnot inrealityso.Oh, howprecious is time!Andhowguilty itmakesme feel,when IthinkIhavetrifledawayandmisimprovedit,orneglectedtofillupeachpartofitwithduty,totheutmostofmyabilityandcapacity!

"Lord's day, Oct. 12.Was scarce able to sit up in the forenoon: in theafternoonattendedpublicworship,andwasinacomposed,comfortableframe.

"Lord'sday,Oct.19.Wasscarcelyabletodoanythingatallintheweekpast,exceptthatonThursdayIrodeoutaboutfourmiles;atwhichtimeItook cold. As Iwas able to do little or nothing, so I enjoyed notmuchspirituality, or lively religious affection; though at some times I longedmuchtobemorefruitfulandfullofheavenlyaffection;andwasgrievedtoseethehoursslideaway,whileIcoulddonothingforGod.—Wasablethis week to attend public worship. Was composed and comfortable,willing either to die or live; but found it hard to be reconciled to thethoughtsof livinguseless.Oh that Imightnever live tobe aburden toGod's creation; but that I might be allowed to repair home, when mysojourningworkisdone!"

ThisweekhewentbacktohisIndiansatCranberry,totakesomecareoftheirspiritualandtemporalconcerns;andwasmuchspentwithriding;thoughherodebutalittlewayinaday.

"Thursday,Oct.23.Wenttomyownhouse,andsetthingsinorder.Wasveryweak,andsomewhatmelancholy:laboredtodosomething,buthadnostrength;andwasforcedtoliedownonmybed,verysolitary.

"Friday, Oct. 24. Spent the day in overseeing and directingmy peopleaboutmendingtheirfence,andsecuringtheirwheat.Foundthatalltheirconcerns of a secular nature depended upon me. — Was somewhatrefreshed in the evening, havingbeen able todo something valuable intheday-time.Oh,howitpainsmetoseetimepassaway,whenIcandonothingtoanypurpose!

"Saturday, Oct. 25. Visited some of my people; spent some time inwriting,andfeltmuchbetterinbodythanusual.Whenitwasnearnight,Ifeltsowell,thatIhadthoughtsofexpounding:butintheeveningwasmuch disordered again, and spent the night in coughing, and spittingblood.

"Lord'sday,Oct.26.Inthemorningwasexceedingweak:spenttheday,till near night, in pain to see my poor people wandering as sheep nothavingashepherd,waitingandhopingtoseemeabletopreachtothembeforenight.Itcouldnotbutdistressmetoseetheminthiscase,andtofindmyself unable to attempt any thing for their spiritual benefit. Buttowardsnight,findingmyselfalittlebetter,Icalledthemtogethertomyhouse, and sat down, and read and expounded Matt. v. 1-16. Thisdiscourse,thoughdeliveredinmuchweakness,wasattendedwithpowertomanyofthehearers;especiallywhatwasspokenuponthelastoftheseverses;whereIinsistedontheinfinitewrongdonetoreligion,byhavingour lightbecomedarkness, insteadof shiningbeforemen.Many in thecongregationwerenowdeeplyaffectedwithasenseoftheirdeficiency,inregard of a spiritual conversation, that might recommend religion toothers,andaspiritofconcernandwatchfulnessseemedtobeexcitedinthem. There was one, in particular, who had fallen into the sin ofdrunkennesssometimebefore,nowdeeplyconvincedofhissin,andthegreatdishonourdonetoreligionbyhismisconduct,andhediscoveredagreatdegreeofgriefandconcernonthataccount.Mysoulwasrefreshedto see this.And though Ihadno strength to speak somuchas Iwouldhavedone,butwasobligedto liedownonthebed;yet Irejoicedtoseesuch an humble melting in the congregation; and that divine truths,

though faintlydelivered,were attendedwith somuchefficacyupon theauditory.

"Monday,Oct.27.SpentthedayinoverseeinganddirectingtheIndiansaboutmendingthefenceroundtheirwheat:wasabletowalkwiththem,andcontrivetheirbusiness,alltheforenoon.Intheafternoonwasvisitedby two dear friends, and spent some time in conversation with them.TowardsnightIwasabletowalkout,andtakecareoftheIndiansagain.Intheeveningenjoyedaverypeacefulframe.

"Tuesday,Oct.28.RodetoPrince-town,inaveryweakstate:hadsuchaviolent fever,by theway, that Iwas forced toalightata friend'shouse,and lie down for some time. Near night was visited byMr. Treat,Mr.Beatyandhiswife,andanotherfriend:myspiritswererefreshedtoseethem; but I was surprised, and even ashamed, that they had taken somuchpainsastoridethirtyorfortymilestoseeme.Wasabletositupmost of the evening; and spent the time in a very comfortablemannerwithmyfriends.

"Wednesday,Oct. 29. Rode about tenmileswithmy friends that cameyesterdaytoseeme;andthenpartedwiththemallbutone,whostayedon purpose to keepme company, and cheermy spirits.Was extremelyweak, and very feverish, especially towards night; but enjoyed comfortandsatisfaction.

"Thursday,Oct. 30.Rode three or fourmiles, to visitMr.Wales: spentsome time, in an agreeable manner, in conversation; and thoughextremelyweak,enjoyedacomfortable,composedframeofmind.

"Friday,Oct.31.Spentthedayamongfriends,inacomfortableframeofmind,thoughexceedingweak,andunderaconsiderablefever.

"Saturday,Nov.1.Tookleaveoffriendsafterhavingspenttheforenoonwiththem,andreturnedhometomyownhouse.Wasmuchdisorderedintheevening,andoppressedwithmycough;whichhasnowbeenconstantforalongtime,withahardpaininmybreast,andfever.

"Lord'sday,Nov.2.Wasunabletopreach,andscarcelyabletositup,the

wholeday.Wasgrieved,andalmostsunk,toseemypoorpeopledestituteofthemeansofgrace;especiallyconsideringtheycouldnotread,andsowere under great disadvantages for spending the sabbath comfortably.Oh,methought, Icouldbecontented tobesick, ifmypoor flockhadafaithful pastor to feed them with spiritual knowledge! A view of theirwantofthiswasmoreafflictivetomethanallmybodilyillness.

"Monday,Nov.3.Beingnowinsoweakandlowastate,thatIwasutterlyincapable of performing my work, and having little hope of recovery,unlessbymuchriding, I thought itmyduty to takea long journey intoNewEngland, and todivertmyself amongmy friends,whomIhadnotnowseenforalongtime.Andaccordinglytookleaveofmycongregationthisday.—BeforeI leftmypeople,Ivisitedthemall intheirrespectivehouses, and discoursed to each one, as I thought most proper andsuitablefortheircircumstances,andfoundgreatfreedomandassistanceinsodoing. Iscarcely leftonehousebutsomewere in tears;andmanywerenotonlyaffectedwithmybeingabout to leave them,butwith thesolemnaddressesImadethemupondivinethings;forIwashelpedtobefervent in spirit while I discoursed to them. —When I had thus gonethrough my congregation, (which took me most of the day,) and hadtaken leaveof them,andof theschool, I lefthome,androdeabout twomiles, tothehousewhereI livedinthesummerpast,andthere lodged.Was refreshed, thisevening, in that Ihad leftmycongregationsowell-disposedandaffected, and that Ihadbeen somuchassisted inmakingmyfarewell-addressestothem.

"Tuesday, Nov. 4. Rode to Woodbridge, and lodged with Mr. Pierson;continuingaweakstate.

"Wednesday, Nov. 5. Rode to Elizabeth-town; intending as soon aspossibletoprosecutemyjourneyintoNewEngland.Butwas,inanhourortwoaftermyarrival,takenmuchworse.

"Afterthis,fornearaweek,Iwasconfinedtomychamber,andmostofthetimetomybed:andthensofarrevivedastobeabletowalkaboutthehouse;butwasstillconfinedwithindoors.

"Inthebeginningofthisextraordinaryturnofdisorder,aftermycoming

to Elizabeth-town, I was enabled through mercy to maintain a calm,composed,andpatientspirit,asIhadbeenbeforefromthebeginningofmyweakness.AfterIhadbeeninElizabeth-townabouta fortnight,andhadsofarrecoveredthatIwasabletowalkaboutthehouse,uponadayof thanksgiving kept in this place, I was enabled to recall and recountover themercies ofGod, in such amanner as greatly affectedme, andfilledmewith thankfulness andpraise. Especiallymy soul praisedGodforhisworkofgraceamongtheIndians,andtheenlargementofhisdearkingdom.MysoulblessedGodforwhatheisinhimself,andadoredhim,that he ever would display himself to creatures. I rejoiced that he wasGod, and longed that all should know it, and feel it, and rejoice in it.`Lord, glorify thyself,' was the desire and cry of my soul. Oh that allpeople might love and praise the blessed God; that he might have allpossiblehonourandgloryfromtheintelligentworld![52]

"After this comfortable thanksgiving-season, I frequently enjoyedfreedom, enlargement, and engagedness of soul in prayer, and wasenabled to intercedewithGod formydear congregation, veryoften foreveryfamily,andeveryperson,inparticular.Itwasoftenagreatcomforttome, that I couldprayheartily toGod for those, towhomI couldnotspeak,andwhomIwasnotallowedtosee.Butatothertimes,myspiritswere so flat and low, andmy bodily vigor somuch wasted, that I hadscarceanyaffectionsatall.

"InDecemberIhadrevivedsofarastobeabletowalkabroad,andvisitfriends,andseemedtobeonthegaininghandwithregardtomyhealth,inthemain,untilLord'sday,December

21.Atwhich time Iwent to thepublicworship; and itbeing sacramentday, I labored much at the Lord's table, to bring forth a certaincorruption,andhaveitslain,asbeinganenemytoGodandmyownsoul;andcouldnotbuthope,thatIhadgainedsomestrengthagainstthis,aswellasothercorruptions;andfeltsomebrokennessofheartformysin.

"After this, having perhaps taken some cold, I began to decline as tobodilyhealth;andcontinuedtodoso,tillthelatterendofJanuary,1747.Havingaviolentcough,aconsiderablefever,anasthmaticdisorder,andno appetite for anymanner of food, nor any power of digestion, I was

reducedtosolowastate,thatmyfriends,Ibelieve,generallydespairedofmylife;andsomeofthem,forsometimetogether,thoughtIcouldscarceliveaday.Atthistime,Icouldthinkofnothing,withanyapplicationofmind,andseemedtobeinagreatmeasurevoidofallaffection,andwasexercised with great temptations; but yet was not ordinarily afraid ofdeath.

"OnLord'sday,Feb.1.Thoughinaveryweakandlowstate,Ienjoyedaconsiderable deal of comfort and sweetness in divine things; and wasenabledtopleadanduseargumentswithGod inprayer, I think,withachild-likespirit.ThatpassageofScriptureoccurredtomymind,andgavemegreatassistance,`Ifye,beingevil,knowhowtogivegoodgiftstoyourchildren,howmuchmorewillyourheavenlyFathergivetheHolySpiritto themthataskhim?'This text Iwashelped topleadand insistupon;andsawthedivinefaithfulnessengagedfordealingwithmebetterthanany earthly parent can do with his child. This season so refreshedmysoul,thatmybodyseemedalsotobeagainerbyit.AndfromthistimeIbegangraduallytoamend.AndasIrecoveredsomestrength,vigor,andspirit,Ifoundattimessomefreedomandlifeintheexercisesofdevotion,and some longings after spirituality and a life of usefulness to theinterestsofthegreatRedeemer.AtothertimesIwasawfullybarrenandlifeless,andoutofframeforthethingsofGod;sothatIwasreadyoftentocryout,`Ohthatitwerewithmeasinmonthspast!'OhthatGodhadtakenmeawayinthemidstofmyusefulness,withasuddenstroke,thatImightnothavebeenunderanecessityoftriflingawaytimeindiversions!Ohthat Ihadnever lived tospendsomuchprecious time, insopooramanner, and to so little purpose! Thus I often reflected, was grieved,ashamed,andevenconfounded,sunkanddiscouraged.

"OnTuesday,Feb.24.IwasabletorideasfarasNewark,(havingbeenconfinedwithin Elizabeth-town almost fourmonths,) and the next dayreturnedtoElizabeth-town.Myspiritsweresomewhatrefreshedwiththeride,thoughmybodywasweary.

"OnSaturday,Feb.28.WasvisitedbyanIndianofmyowncongregation;whobroughtmeletters,andgoodnewsofthesoberandgoodbehaviourofmy people in general. This refreshedmy soul; I could not but soonretire,andblessGodforhisgoodness;andfound,Itrust,atrulythankful

frameofspirit,thatGodseemedtobebuildingupthatcongregationforhimself.

"OnWednesday, March 4. I met with a reproof from a friend, which,althoughIthoughtIdidnotdeserveitfromhim,yetwas,Itrust,blessedofGodtomakememoretenderlyafraidofsin,morejealousovermyself,andmoreconcernedtokeepbothheartandlifepureandunblameable.Itlikewise caused me to reflect on my past deadness, and want ofspirituality,andtoabhormyself,and lookonmyselfasmostunworthy.Thisframeofmindcontinuedthenextday;andforseveraldaysafter,Igrieved to think, that inmy necessary diversions I had notmaintainedmore seriousness, solemnity,heavenly affectionand conversation.Thusmyspiritswereoftendepressedandsunk;andyetItrustthatreproofwasmadetobebeneficialtome.

"Wednesday,March11,beingkept inElizabeth-townasadayof fastingandprayer,Iwasabletoattendpublicworship;whichwasthefirsttimeIwas able so to do after December 21. Oh, how much weakness anddistress did God carry me through in this space of time! But havingobtainedhelpfromhim,Iyetlive:OhthatIcouldlivemoretohisglory!

"Lord'sday,March15.Wasableagaintoattendthepublicworship,andfeltsomeearnestdesiresofbeingrestoredtotheministerialwork:felt,Ithink,somespiritandlifetospeakforGod.

"Wednesday,March 18.Rodeoutwithadesign tovisitmypeople; andthenextdayarrivedamong them:butwasunder greatdejection inmyjourney.

"On Fridaymorning I rose early, walked about amongmy people, andinquired into their state and concerns; and found an additionalweightand burden on my spirits, upon hearing some things disagreeable. Iendeavoured to go to Godwithmy distresses, andmade some kind oflamentable complaint; and in a broken manner spread my difficultiesbefore God; but, notwithstanding, my mind continued very gloomy.Aboutteno'clockIcalledmypeopletogether,andafterhavingexplainedandsungapsalm,Iprayedwiththem.Therewasaconsiderabledealofaffection among them; I doubt not, in some instances, that which was

morethanmerelynatural."

Thiswasthelastinterviewthatheeverhadwithhispeople.Abouteleveno'clock the samedayhe left them;and thenextday came toElizabeth-town;hismelancholyremainingstill:andhecontinuedforaconsiderabletimeunderagreatdegreeofdejectionthroughvaporydisorders.

"Saturday,March28.Wastakenthismorningwithviolentgripingpains.These pains were extreme and constant for several hours; so that itseemedimpossibleforme,withoutamiracle,tolivetwenty-fourhoursinsuchdistress.Ilayconfinedtomybedthewholeday,andindistressingpainall the formerpartof it:but itpleasedGod toblessmeans for theabatement ofmydistress.Was exceedinglyweakenedby this pain, andcontinued so for several days following; being exercised with a fever,cough,andnocturnalsweats.Inthisdistressedcase,solongasmyheadwasfreeofvaporyconfusions,deathappearedagreeabletome;Ilookedonitastheendoftoils,andanentranceintoaplace`wherethewearyareat rest;' and I think I had some relish of the entertainments of theheavenlystate;sothatbytheseIwasalluredanddrawnaswellasdrivenby the fatiguesof life.Oh,howhappy it is, tobedrawnbydesiresof astateofperfectholiness!

"Saturday,April4.Wassunkanddejected,veryrestlessanduneasy,byreasonof themisimprovement of time; and yet knewnotwhat todo. Ilongedtospendtimeinfastingandprayer,thatImightbedeliveredfromindolenceandcoldness in the thingsofGod;but,alas, Ihadnotbodilystrengthfortheseexercises!Oh,howblessedathingisittoenjoypeaceofconscience!buthowdreadfulisawantofinwardpeaceandcomposureofsoul! It is impossible, I find, toenjoy thishappinesswithoutredeemingtime,andmaintainingaspiritualframeofmind.

"Lord'sday,April5.Itgrievedmetofindmyselfsoinconceivablybarren.Mysoul thirsted forgrace;butalas,how farwas I fromobtainingwhatappeared to me so exceeding excellent! I was ready to despair of everbeing a holy creature, and yet my soul was desirous of following hardafterGod;butneverdidIseemyselfsofarfromhavingapprehended,orbeing alreadyperfect, as at this time. TheLord's supper being this dayadministered, I attended the ordinance: and though I saw in myself a

dreadful emptiness andwant of grace, and sawmyself as itwere at aninfinite distance from that puritywhich becomes the gospel; yet at thecommunion, especially the distribution of the bread, I enjoyed somewarmthofaffection,andfeltatenderlovetothebrethren;andIthink,tothegloriousRedeemer,thefirst-bornamongthem.Iendeavouredthentobringforthmineandhisenemies,andslaythembeforehim;andfoundgreatfreedominbeggingdeliverancefromthisspiritualdeath,aswellasinaskingdivinefavorsformyfriendsandcongregation,andthechurchofChristingeneral.

"Tuesday,April7.IntheafternoonrodetoNewark,inordertomarrytheReverendMr.Dickinson; [53] and in the eveningperformed thatwork.Afterwards rode home to Elizabeth-town, in a pleasant frame, full ofcomposureandsweetness.

"Thursday, April 9. Attended the ordination of Mr. Tucker, [54] andafterwardstheexaminationofMr.Smith:wasinacomfortableframeofmindthisday,andfeltmyheart,Ithink,sometimesinaspiritualframe.

"Friday, April 10. Spent the forenoon in Presbyterial business: in theafternoon, rode to Elizabeth-town; found my brother John there: [55]spentsometimeinconversationwithhim;butwasextremelyweakandoutdone,myspiritsconsiderablysunk,andmyminddejected.

"Monday,April13.Assistedinexaminingmybrother.Intheevening,wasinasolemndevoutframe;butwasmuchoverdoneandoppressedwithaviolenthead-ache.

"Tuesday,April14.Wasabletodolittleornothing:spentsometimewithMr.Byramandotherfriends.Thisdaymybrotherwenttomypeople.

"Wednesday,April15.Foundsomefreedomatthethroneofgraceseveraltimesthisday.Intheafternoonwasveryweak,andspentthetimetoverylittle purpose; and yet in the evening had, I thought; some religiouswarmthandspiritualdesiresinprayer:mysoulseemedtogoforthafterGod,andtakecomplacenceinhisdivineperfections.But,alas!afterwardsawfullyletdownmywatch,andgrewcarelessandsecure.

"Thursday,April16.Wasinbitteranguishofsoulinthemorning,suchasIhavescarceeverfelt,withasenseofsinandguilt.Icontinuedindistressthewholeday,attemptingtopraywhereverIwent;andindeedcouldnothelpsodoing:butlookeduponmyselfsovile,Idarednotlookanybodyin the face; and was even grieved that any body should show me anyrespect,oratleastthattheyshouldbesodeceivedastothinkIdeservedit.

"Friday,April,17.IntheeveningcouldnotbutthinkthatGodhelpedmeto`drawnear to the throneof grace,' thoughmostunworthy, andgaveme a sense of his favour; which gave me inexpressible support andencouragement.Though I scarcelydared tohope themercywas real, itappearedsogreat;yetcouldnotbutrejoicethateverGodshoulddiscoverhisreconciledfacetosuchavilesinner.Shameandconfusion,attimes,coveredme;andthenhope,andjoy,andadmirationofdivinegoodnessgained the ascendant. Sometimes I could not but admire the divinegoodness,thattheLordhadnotletmefallintoallthegrossest,vilestactsof sins and open scandal that could be thought of; and felt myself sonecessitatedtopraiseGod,thatthiswasreadyforalittlewhiletoswallowupmyshameandpressureofspiritonaccountofmysins."

Afterthis,hisdejectionandpressureofspiritreturned;andheremainedunderitthetwonextdays.

"Monday,April20.Wasinaverydisorderedstate,andkeptmybedmostoftheday.Ienjoyedalittlemorecomfortthaninseveraloftheprecedingdays.ThisdayIarrivedattheageoftwenty-nineyears.

"Tuesday,April21.IsetoutonmyjourneyforNewEngland,inorder(ifitmight be thewill ofGod) to recovermyhealthby riding: traveled toNewYork,andtherelodged."

Thisprovedhis finaldeparture fromNewJersey.—Hetraveledslowly,andarrivedamonghis friends atEastHaddam, about thebeginningofMay.Thereisverylittleaccountinhisdiaryofthetimethatpassedfromhis setting out on his journey toMay 10. He speaks of his sometimesfindingisheartrejoicinginthegloriousperfectionsofGod,andlongingtolivetohim;butcomplainsoftheunfixednessofhisthoughts,andtheir

beingeasilydivertedfromdivinesubjects,andcriesoutofhis leanness,as testifying against him, in the loudestmanner.And concerning thosediversionshewasobligedtouseforhishealth,hesays,thathesometimesfoundhe could use diversionswith "singleness of heart," aiming at thegloryofGod;but thathealso found therewasanecessityof great careandwatchfulness,lestheshouldlosethatspiritualtemperofmindinhisdiversions,andlesttheyshoulddegenerateintowhatwasmerelyselfish,withoutanysupremeaimatthegloryofGodinthem.

"Lord'sday,May10.(AtHad-Lime)IcouldnotbutfeelsomemeasureofgratitudetoGodatthistime,(whereinIwasmuchexercised,)thathehadalways disposedme, inmyministry, to insist on the great doctrines ofregeneration,thenewcreature,faithinChrist,progressivesanctification,supreme love toGod, living entirely to the glory ofGod, being not ourown,andthelike.Godthushelpedmetosee,inthesurestmanner,fromtimetotime,thatthese,andthelikedoctrinesnecessarilyconnectedwiththem, are the only foundation of safety and salvation for perishingsinners;andthatthosedivinedispositions,whichareconsonanthereto,arethatholiness,`withoutwhichnomanshallseetheLord.'Theexerciseof theseGod-like tempers—wherein the soul acts in a kindof concertwithGod,andwouldbeanddoevery thing that ispleasing tohim—Isaw,wouldstandbythesoulinadyinghour;forGodmust,Ithink,denyhimself,ifhecastawayhisownimage,eventhesoulthatisoneindesireswithhimself.

"Lord'sday,May17. [AtMillington]Spent the forenoonathome,beingunable to attend the public worship. At this time, God gave me someaffecting sense ofmy own vileness and the exceeding sinfulness ofmyheart;thatthereseemedtobenothingbutsinandcorruptionwithinme.`Innumerable evils compassed me about: my want of spirituality andholy living, my neglect of God, and living to myself. — All theabominationsofmyheartandlifeseemedtobeopentomyview;andIhad nothing to say, but, `God bemerciful tome a sinner.'— Towardsnoon I saw, that the grace of God in Christ is infinitely free towardssinners, andsuchsinnersas Iwas. I also saw, thatGod is the supremegood,thatinhispresenceislife;andIbegantolongtodie,thatImightbewithhim,inastateoffreedomfromallsin.Oh,howasmallglimpseof

hisexcellencyrefreshedmysoul!Oh,howworthyistheblessedGodtobeloved, adored, and delighted in for himself, for his own divineexcellencies!

"ThoughIfeltmuchdullness,andwantofaspiritinprayerthisweek;yetIhadsomeglimpsesoftheexcellencyofdivinethings;andespeciallyonemorning, in secretmeditation and prayer, the excellency and beauty ofholiness,asalikenesstothegloriousGod,wassodiscoveredtome,thatIbegan to long earnestly to be in that world where holiness dwells inperfection.Iseemedtolongforthisperfectholiness,notsomuchforthesake of my own happiness, (although I saw clearly that this was thegreatest,yea,theonlyhappinessofthesoul,)asthatImightpleaseGod,liveentirelytohim,andglorifyhimtotheutmoststretchofmyrationalpowersandcapacities.

"Lord's day, May 24. [At Long Meadow in Springfield] Could not butthink,asIhaveoftenremarkedtoothers,thatmuchmoreoftruereligionconsists indeephumility,brokennessofheart, andanabasing senseofbarrenness and want of grace and holiness, than most who are calledChristians imagine; especially those who have been esteemed theconverts of the late day. Many seem to know of no other religion butelevated joys and affections, arising only from some flights ofimagination, or some suggestion made to their mind, of Christ beingtheirs,Godlovingthem,andthelike."

On Thursday, May 28. He came from LongMeadow to Northampton:appearingvastlybetter than,byhisaccount,hehadbeen in thewinter;indeedsowell,thathewasabletoridetwenty-fivemilesinaday,andtowalkhalfamile;andappearedcheerful,and free frommelancholy;butyetundoubtedly,atthattime,inaconfirmed,incurableconsumption.

Ihadmuchopportunity,beforethis,ofparticularinformationconcerninghim,frommanywhowerewellacquaintedwithhim;andhadmyselfonceanopportunityofconsiderableconversationandsomeacquaintancewithhim, at New-Haven, near four years before, at the time of thecommencement, when he offered that confession to the rector of thecollege,whichhasbeenalreadymentionedinthishistory;Ibeingonehewaspleased then several times to consult on that affair: butnow Ihad

opportunity for a more full acquaintance with him. I found himremarkably sociable, pleasant, and entertaining inhis conversation; yetsolid,savoury,spiritual,andveryprofitable.Heappearedmeek,modest,and humble; far from any stiffness, moroseness, superstitiousdemureness,oraffectedsingularityinspeechorbehaviour,andseemingto dislike all such things. We enjoyed not only the benefit of hisconversation,buthadthecomfortandadvantageofhearinghimprayinthefamily,fromtimetotime.Hismannerofprayingwasveryagreeable;mostbecomingawormofthedust,andadiscipleofChrist,addressinganinfinitely great and holy God, and Father of mercies; not with floridexpressions, or a studied eloquence; not with any intemperatevehemence,orindecentboldness.Itwasatthegreatestdistancefromanyappearance of ostentation, and from every thing that might look asthoughhemeanttorecommendhimselftothosethatwereabouthim,orsethimselfofftotheiracceptance.Itwasfreealsofromvainrepetitions,without impertinent excursions, or needless multiplying of words. Heexpressed himself with the strictest propriety, with weight, andpungency;andyetwhathislipsutteredseemedtoflowfromthefulnessof his heart, as deeply impressedwith a great and solemn sense of ournecessities, unworthiness, and dependence, and of God's infinitegreatness, excellency, and sufficiency, rather thanmerely from awarmand fruitful brain, pouring out good expressions. And I know not thateverIheardhimsomuchasaskablessingorreturnthanksattable,buttherewassomething remarkable tobeobservedboth in thematterandmanner of the performance. In his prayers, he insisted much on theprosperity of Zion, the advancement of Christ's kingdom in the world,andtheflourishingandpropagationofreligionamongtheIndians.Andhegenerallymadeitonepetitioninhisprayer,"thatwemightnotoutliveourusefulness."

"Lord'sday,May31. [AtNorthampton] Ihad little inwardsweetness inreligionmostoftheweekpast;notrealizingandbeholdingspirituallytheglory ofGod, and the blessedRedeemer; fromwhence always arisemycomfortsandjoysinreligion,ifIhaveanyatall:andifIcannotsobeholdtheexcellenciesandperfectionsofGod,astocausemetorejoiceinhimforwhathe is inhimself, Ihavenosolid foundation for joy.Torejoice,onlybecauseIapprehendIhaveaninterestinChrist,andshallbefinally

saved,isapoormeanbusinessindeed."

ThisweekheconsultedDr.Mather,atmyhouse,concerninghisillness,who plainly told him, that therewere great evidences of his being in aconfirmed consumption, and that he could givehimno encouragementthat he should ever recover. But it seemed not to occasion the leastdiscomposure in him, not to make any manner of alteration as to thecheerfulnessandserenityofhismind,orthefreedomorpleasantnessofhisconversation.

"Lord's day, June 7.My attentionwas greatly engaged, andmy soul sodrawnforth,thisday,bywhatIheardofthe`exceedingpreciousnessofthesavinggraceofGod'sSpirit,'thatitalmostovercamemybody,inmyweakstate.Isaw,thattruegraceisexceedingpreciousindeed;thatit isveryrare;andthatthereisbutaverysmalldegreeofit,evenwheretherealityofitistobefound;atleast,Isawthistobemycase.

"In the preceding week I enjoyed some comfortable seasons ofmeditation.OnemorningthecauseofGodappearedexceedingprecioustome:theRedeemer'skingdomisallthatisvaluableintheearth,andIcouldnotbut long for thepromotionof it in theworld. I sawalso, thatthiscause isGod's, thathehasan infinitelygreater regardandconcernforitthanIcouldpossiblyhave;thatifIhaveanytruelovetothisblessedinterest,itisonlyadropderivedfromthatocean:hence,Iwasreadyto`liftupmyheadwithjoy;'andconclude,`Well,ifGod'scausebesodearandprecioustohim,hewillpromoteit.'AndthusIdidasitwererestonGod, that surely he would promote that whichwas so agreeable to hisown will; though the time when must still be left to his sovereignpleasure."

Hewasadvisedbyphysiciansstilltocontinueriding,aswhatwouldtend,above any othermeans, to prolong his life.Hewas at a loss, for sometime,whichway tobendhiscoursenext;but finallydetermined to ridefromhencetoBoston;wehavingconcludedthatoneofthisfamilyshouldgowithhim,andbehelpfultohiminhisweakandlowstate.

"Tuesday, June9. I set out on a journey fromNorthampton toBoston.Traveledslowly,andgotsomeacquaintancewithdiversministersonthe

road.

"Havingnowcontinuedtorideforsomeconsiderabletimetogether,Ifeltmyself much better than I had formerly done; and found, that inproportiontotheprospectIhadofbeingrestoredtoastateofusefulness,so I desired the continuance of life: but death appeared inconceivablymoredesirabletomethanauselesslife;yetblessedbeGod,Ifoundmyheart,attimes,fullyresignedandreconciledtothisgreatestofafflictions,ifGodsawfitthustodealwithme.

"Friday,June12.IarrivedinBostonthisday,somewhatfatiguedwithmyjourney.Observedthatthereisnorest,butinGod:fatiguesofbody,andanxieties of mind, attend us, both in town and country; no place isexempted.

"Lord's day, June 14. I enjoyed some enlargement and sweetness infamilyprayer,aswellas insecretexercises;Godappearedexcellent,hisways full of pleasure and peace, and all I wanted was a spirit of holyfervency,tolivetohim.

"Wednesday,June17.This,andthetwoprecedingdays,Ispentmainlyinvisiting,theministersofthetown,andwastreatedwithgreatrespectbythem.

"On Thursday, June 18. I was taken exceeding ill, and brought to thegates of death, by the breaking of small ulcers in my lungs, as myphysician supposed. In this extremeweak state I continued for severalweeks,andwasfrequentlyreducedsolow,astobeutterlyspeechless,andnot able so much as to whisper a word; and even after I had so farrevived, as to walk about the house, and to step out of doors, I wasexercisedeverydaywithafaintturn,whichcontinuedusuallyfourorfivehours:atwhichtimes,thoughIwasnotsoutterlyspeechless,butthatIcould say Yes or No, yet I could not converse at all, nor speak onesentence, without making stops for breath; and divers times in thisseason,my friends gathered roundmy bed, to seeme breathemy last,whichtheylookedforeverymoment,asImyselfalsodid.

"HowIwas,thefirstdayortwoofmyillness,withregardtotheexercise

ofreason, Iscarcelyknow;IbelieveIwassomewhatshatteredwith theviolence of the fever, at times: but the third day of my illness, andconstantlyafterwards,forfourorfiveweekstogether,Ienjoyedasmuchserenityofmind,andclearnessof thought,asperhaps I everdid inmylife; and I think my mind never penetrated with so much ease andfreedomintodivinethings,asatthistime;andIneverfeltsocapableofdemonstrating the truth of many important doctrines of the gospel asnow.And as I saw clearly the truth of those great doctrines,which arejustlystyled thedoctrinesofgrace;soIsawwithno lessclearness, thatthe essence of religion consisted in the soul's conformity to God, andactingaboveallselfishviews,forhisglory,longingtobeforhim,tolivetohim,andpleaseandhonourhiminallthings:andthisfromaclearviewofhis infiniteexcellencyandworthiness inhimself, tobeloved,adored,worshipped,andservedbyallintelligentcreatures.ThusIsaw,thatwhenasoullovesGodwithasupremelove,hethereinactsliketheblessedGodhimself, whomost justly loves himself in thatmanner. So when God'sinterest and his are become one, and he longs that God should beglorified,andrejoices to think thathe isunchangeablypossessedof thehighestgloryandblessedness,hereinalsoheacts inconformitytoGod.Inlikemanner,whenthesoulisfullyresignedto,andrestssatisfiedandcontentedwith,thedivinewill,hereitisalsoconformedtoGod.

"I saw further, that as thisdivine temper,whereby the soul exaltsGod,andtreadsselfinthedust,iswroughtinthesoulbyGod'sdiscoveringhisowngloriousperfections in the faceof JesusChrist to it, by the specialinfluences of theHolySpirit, sohe cannotbuthave regard to it, ashisownwork;andasitishisimageinthesoul,hecannotbuttakedelightinit.ThenI sawagain, that ifGodshouldslightandrejecthisownmoralimage,hemustneedsdenyhimself;whichhecannotdo.AndthusIsawthestabilityandinfallibilityofthisreligion;andthatthosewhoaretrulypossessedof it,have themostcompleteandsatisfyingevidenceof theirbeing interested in all the benefits of Christ's redemption, having theirheartsconformedtohim;andthatthese,theseonly,arequalifiedfortheemploymentsandentertainmentsofGod'skingdomofglory;asnonebutthesehaveanyrelishforthebusinessofheaven,whichistoascribeglorytoGod, and not to themselves; and thatGod (though Iwould speak itwithgreatreverenceofhisnameandperfection)cannot,withoutdenying

himself,finallycastsuchaway.

"The next thing I had then to do,was to inquire,whether thiswasmyreligion: and here God was pleased to help me to the most easyremembrance and critical review of what had passed in course, of areligious nature, through several of the latter years of my life. Andalthough I could discover much corruption attending my best duties,many selfish views and carnal ends, much spiritual pride and self-exaltation,and innumerableotherevilswhichcompassedmeabout;yetGodwaspleased,asIwasreviewing,quicklytoputthisquestionoutofdoubt, by showing me that I had, from time to time, acted above theutmostinfluenceofmereself-love;thatIhadlongedtopleaseandglorifyhim, as my highest happiness, &c. And this review was through graceattendedwithapresentfeelingofthesamedivinetemperofmind;IfeltnowpleasedtothinkofthegloryofGod,andlongedforheaven,asastatewhereinImightglorifyGodperfectly,ratherthanaplaceofhappinessformyself:andthisfeelingoftheloveofGodinmyheart,whichItrusttheSpirit of God excited in me afresh, was sufficient to give me fullsatisfaction,andmakeme long,asIhadmanytimesbeforedone, tobewith Christ. I did not now want any of the sudden suggestions, whichmany are so pleasedwith, `ThatChrist and his benefits aremine; thatGodlovesme,'&c.inordertogivemesatisfactionaboutmystate:no,mysoulnowabhorredthosedelusionsofSatan,whicharethoughttobetheimmediate witness of the Spirit, while there is nothing but an emptysuggestionofacertainfact,withoutanygraciousdiscoveryofthedivineglory,oroftheSpirit'sworkintheirownhearts.Isawtheawfuldelusionof thiskindof confidence,aswellasof thewholeof that religion, fromwhich they usually spring, or at least ofwhich they are the attendants.Thefalsereligionofthelateday,(thoughadayofwondrousgrace,)theimaginations, and impressions made only on the animal affections —together with the sudden suggestions made to the mind by Satan,transformed into an angel of light, of certain facts not revealed inScripture—andmanysuch like thing, I fear,havemadeup thegreaterpartofthereligiousappearanceinmanyplaces.

"ThesethingsIsawwithgreatclearness,whenIwasthoughttobedying.AndGodgavemegreatconcernforhischurchandinterestintheworld,

atthistime:notsomuchbecausethelateremarkableinfluenceuponthemindsofpeoplewasabated,asbecausethatfalsereligion—thoseheatsofimagination,andwildandselfishcommotionsoftheanimalaffections—whichattendedtheworkofgrace,hadprevailedsofar.Thiswasthatwhichmyminddweltupon,almostdayandnight:andthis, tome,wasthedarkest appearance, respecting religion, in the land; for itwas this,chiefly,thathadprejudicedtheworldagainstinwardreligion.AndIsawthe great misery of all was, that so few saw any manner of differencebetween those exercises that were spiritual and holy, and those whichhaveself-loveonlyfortheirbeginning,centre,andend.

"AsGodwaspleasedtoaffordmeclearnessofthought,andcomposureofmind, almost continually, for several weeks together under my greatweakness;soheenabledme,insomemeasure,toimprovemytime,asIhope,tovaluablepurposes.Iwasenabledtowriteanumberofimportantletters to friends in remote places: [56] and sometimes Iwrotewhen Iwasspeechless,

i.e.unabletomaintainconversationwithanybody;thoughperhapsIwasabletospeakawordortwosoastobeheard.—Atthisseasonalso,whileIwasconfinedatBoston,IreadwithcareandattentionsomepapersofoldMr.Shepard's,latelycometolight,anddesignedforthepress:andasIwasdesired,andgreatlyurged,madesomecorrections,wherethesensewas left dark, for want of a word or two. Besides this, I had manyvisitants;withwhom,whenIwasabletospeak,Ialwaysconversedofthethings of religion; and was peculiarly disposed and assisted indistinguishingbetweenthetrueandfalsereligionofthetimes.Therewasscarce any subject, that has beenmatter of debate in the late day, butwhat I was in at one time or other brought to a sort of necessity todiscourse upon, and show my opinion; and that frequently beforenumbersofpeople;andespecially,Idiscoursedrepeatedlyonthenatureandnecessityof thathumiliation, self-emptiness,or full convictionof aperson'sbeingutterlyundoneinhimself,whichisnecessaryinordertoasavingfaith,andtheextremedifficultyofbeingbroughttothis,andthegreat danger there is of persons taking up with some self-righteousappearances of it. The danger of this I especially dwelt upon, beingpersuadedthatmultitudesperishinthishiddenway;andbecausesolittle

is said frommost pulpits to discover any danger here: so that personsbeing never effectually brought to die in themselves, are never trulywaitedtoChrist,andsoperish.IalsodiscoursedmuchonwhatItaketobetheessenceoftruereligion,endeavouringplainlytodescribethatGod-like temper and disposition of soul, and that holy conversation andbehaviour,thatmayjustlyclaimthehonourofhavingGodforitsoriginalandpatron.AndIhavereasontohopeGodblessedmywayofdiscoursinganddistinguishingtosome,bothministersandpeople;so thatmytimewasnotwhollylost."

Hewasmuchvisited,while inBoston,bymanypersonsofconsiderablenote and character, and by some of the first rank; who showed himuncommon respect, and appeared highly pleased and entertained withhisconversation.Andbesideshisbeinghonouredwiththecompanyandrespectofministersofthetown,hewasvisitedbyseveralministersfromvariouspartsofthecountry.Hetookallopportunitiestodiscourseofthepeculiarnatureanddistinguishingcharactersoftrue,spiritual,andvitalreligion;andtobearhistestimonyagainstthevariousfalseappearancesof it, consisting in, or arising from, impressions on the imagination,suddenandsupposed immediate suggestionsof truthsnot contained inthe Scripture, and that faith which consists primarily in a personbelievingthatChristdiedforhiminparticular,&c.Whathesaidwas,forthe most part, heard with uncommon attention and regard: and hisdiscourses' reasoning appeared manifestly to have great weight andinfluence,withmanythatheconversedwith,bothministersandothers.[57]

Also the Honourable Commissioners in Boston, of the incorporatedSocietyinLondonforpropagatingtheGospelinNewEnglandandpartsadjacent, having newly had committed to them a legacy of the latereverendandfamousDr.DanielWilliamsofLondon, for thesupportoftwomissionariestotheheathen,werepleased,whilehewasinBoston,toconsult him about a mission to those Indians called the Six Nations,particularly about the qualifications requisite in a missionary to thoseIndians;andweresosatisfiedwithhissentimentsonthishead,andhadthat confidence in his faithfulness, and his judgment and discretion inthings of this nature, that they desired him to undertake to find and

recommendacoupleofpersonsfittobeemployedinthisbusiness;andverymuchleftthematterwithhim.

Likewise certain pious and generously disposed gentlemen in Boston,beingmovedbythewonderfulnarrativeofhislaborsandsuccessamongtheIndiansinNewJersey,andmoreespeciallybytheirconversationwithhimon the same subject, tookopportunity to inquiremoreparticularlyintothestateandnecessitiesofhiscongregation,andtheschoolamongthem,witha charitable intentionof contributing something topromotetheexcellentdesignofadvancingtheinterestsofChristianityamongtheIndians;andunderstandingthattherewasawantofBiblesfortheschool,threedozenofBibleswereimmediatelyprocured,and14l.inbills(oftheold tenor) givenover andabove,besidesmore largebenefactionsmadeafterwards,whichIshallhaveoccasiontomentionintheirproperplace.

Mr.Brainerd'srestorationfromhisextremelylowstateinBoston,soastogo abroad again and to travel, was very unexpected to him and hisfriends.Mydaughterwhowaswithhim,writesthusconcerninghim,inaletterdatedJune23.—"OnThursday,hewasveryillwithaviolentfever,andextremepain inhisheadandbreast, andat turns,delirious.SoheremainedtillSaturdayevening,whenheseemedtobe intheagoniesofdeath;thefamilywasupwithhimtilloneortwoo'clock,expectingeveryhourwouldbehis last.Onsabbath-dayhewasa littlerevived,hisheadwasbetter,butveryfullofpain,andexceedingsoreathisbreast,muchput to it forbreath,&c.Yesterdayhewasbetteruponallaccounts.Lastnighthesleptbutlittle.Thismorninghewasmuchworse.—Dr.Pynchonsays,hehasnohopesofhis life;nordoeshe think it likelyhewillevercome out of the chamber; though he says, hemay be able to come toNorthampton—"

Inanother letter,datedJune29,shesaysas follows. "Mr.Brainerdhasnot so much pain, nor fever, since I last wrote, as before; yet he isextremelyweakand low,andvery faint, expectingeverydaywillbehislast. He says, it is impossible for him to live, for he has hardly vigorenough todrawhis breath. Iwent thismorning into town, andwhen Icamehome,Mr.Bromfieldsaid,heneverexpectedIshouldseehimalive;for he lay two hours, as they thought, dying; one could scarcely tellwhetherhewasaliveornot;hewasnotabletospeakforsometime:but

now ismuch as hewas before. The doctor thinks hewill drop away insuch a turn. Mr. Brainerd says he never felt any thing so much likedissolution,aswhathefeltto-day;andsaysheneverhadanyconceptionofitsbeingpossibleforanycreaturetobealive,andyetsoweakasheisfrom day to day. — Dr. Pynchon says, he should not be surprise if heshould so recoveras to livehalf a year;norwould it surprisehim ifheshoulddie inhalfaday.SinceIbegantowriteheisnotsowell,havinghad a faint turn again; yet patient and resigned, having no distressingfears,butthecontrary."

Hisphysician,thehonourableJosephPynchon,Esq.whenhevisitedhiminhisextremeillnessinBoston,attributedhissinkingsosuddenlyintoastate so extremely low, and nigh unto death, to the breaking of ulcers,that had been long gathering in his lungs, (as Mr. Brainerd himselfintimatesinaforementionedpassageinhisdiary,)andtheredischarginganddiffusingtheirpurulentmatter.This,whilenaturewaslaboringandstruggling to throw it off, which could be done no otherwise than by agradual straining of it through the small vessels of those vital parts,occasionedahigh feverandviolentcoughing, threwthewhole frameofnatureintotheutmostdisorder,andbroughtitneartoadissolution.Butitwassupposed,ifthestrengthofnatureheldtillthelungshadthiswaygraduallyclearedthemselvesof thisputridmatter,hemightrevive,andcontinuebetter, tillnewulcers gatheredandbroke;but that thiswouldsurely sink him again, and there was no hope of his recovery. Heexpressedhimselftooneofmyneighbours,whoatthattimesawhiminBoston,thathewasascertainlyadeadmanasifhewasshotthroughtheheart.

But so it was ordered in divine providence, that the strength of natureheldoutthroughthisgreatconflict,soasjusttoescapethegraveatthatturn;andthenherevived,totheastonishmentofallthatknewhiscase.—Afterhebegan to revive,hewasvisitedbyhisyoungestbrother,Mr.Israel Brainerd, a student at Yale college; who having heard of hisextreme illness,went from thence toBoston, in order to see him, if hemightfindhimalive,whichhebutlittleexpected.

ThisvisitwasattendedwithamixtureofjoyandsorrowtoMr.Brainerd.Hegreatlyrejoicedtoseehisbrother,especiallybecausehehaddesired

anopportunityof some religious conversationwithhimbeforehedied.Butthismeetingwasattendedwithsorrow,ashisbrotherbroughttohimthe sorrowful tidings of his sister Spencer's death atHaddam; a sister,betweenwhom and him had long subsisted a peculiarly dear affection,and much intimacy in spiritual matters, and whose house he used tomakehishomewhenhewenttoHaddam,hisnativeplace.Hehadheardnothing of her sickness till this report of her death. But he had thesecomfortstogetherwiththetidings,viz.aconfidenceofherbeinggonetoheaven,andanexpectationofhissoonmeetingherthere.—Hisbrothercontinuedwithhimtillheleftthetown,andcamewithhimfromthencetoNorthampton.— Concerning the last sabbathMr. Brainerd spent inBoston,hewritesinhisdiaryasfollows.

"Lord's day, July 19. I was just able to attend public worship, beingcarried to thehouseofGod inachaise.HeardDr.Sewallpreach in theforenoon:partookof theLord'ssupperat this time. In thissacrament Isawastonishingdivinewisdomdisplayed;suchwisdomasIsawrequiredthetonguesofangelsandglorifiedsaintstocelebrate.ItseemedtomeInever should do any thing at adoring the infinite wisdom of God,discovered in the contrivance ofman's redemption, until I arrived at aworldofperfection;yet I couldnothelpstriving to`calluponmysoul,andallwithinme, tobless thenameofGod.'—In theafternoonheardMr.Princepreach.—IsawmoreofGodinthewisdomdiscoveredintheplan of man's redemption, than I saw of any other of his perfections,throughthewholeday."

HeleftBostonthenextday.Butbeforehecameaway,hehadoccasiontobearaveryfull,plain,andopentestimonyagainstthatopinion,thattheessence of saving faith lies in believing that Christ died for me inparticular;andthatthisisthefirstactoffaithinatruebeliever'sclosingwithChrist.Hediditinalongconferencehehadwithagentleman,whohasverypubliclyandstrenuouslyappearedtodefendthattenet.Hehadthis discourse with him in the presence of a number of considerablepersons,whocametovisitMr.Brainerdbeforehe left the town,and totaketheir leaveofhim.Inwhichdebatehemadethisplaindeclaration,(atthesametimeconfirmingwhathesaidbymanyarguments,)Thattheessence of saving faith was wholly left out of the definitionwhich that

gentlemanhaspublished; and that the faithwhichhehaddefined,hadnothingofGodinit,nothingabovenature,norindeedabovethepowerofthedevils;andthatallsuchashadthisfaith,andhadnobetter,thoughtheymighthavethistoneversohighadegree,wouldsurelyperish.Andhedeclaredalso,thatheneverhadgreaterassuranceofthefalsenessofthe principles of those that maintained such a faith, and of theirdangerous and destructive tendency, or a more affecting sense of thegreatdelusionandmiseryofthosethatdependedongettingtoheavenbysuchafaith,(whiletheyhadnobetter,)thanhelatelyhadwhenhewassupposedtobeatthepointtodie,andexpectedeveryminutetopassintoeternity. — Mr. Brainerd's discourse at this time, and the forciblereasoning with which he confirmed what he asserted, appeared to begreatly to the satisfaction of those present; as several of them tookoccasionexpresslytomanifesttohim,beforetheytookleaveofhim.

Whenthisconversationwasended,havingbidanaffectionatefarewelltohis friends, he set out in the cool of the afternoon, on his journey toNorthampton,attendedbyhisbrother,andmydaughterthatwentwithhimtoBoston;andwouldhavebeenaccompaniedoutof the townbyanumberofgentlemen,besidesthathonourablepersonwhogavehimhiscompanyforsomemilesonthatoccasion,asatestimonyoftheiresteemand respect, had not his aversion to any thing of pomp and showpreventedit.

"Saturday,July25, I arrivedhereatNorthampton;having setout fromBostononMonday,aboutfouro'clock,P.M.InthisjourneyIrodeaboutsixteen miles a day, one day with another. Was sometimes extremelytired and faint on the road, so that it seemed impossible for me toproceed any further: at other times I was considerably better, and feltsomefreedombothofbodyandmind.

"Lord'sday,July26.ThisdayIsawclearlythatIshouldneverbehappy;yea, thatGodhimself couldnotmakemehappy,unless I couldbe inacapacity to`pleaseandglorifyhimforever.'Takeaway this,andadmitme intoall the fineheavens thatcanbeconceivedofbymenorangels,andIshouldstillbemiserableforever."

Though he had so far revived, as to be able to travel thus far, yet he

manifestednoexpectationofrecovery:hesupposed,ashisphysiciandid,that his being brought so near to death at Boston, was owing to thebreaking of ulcers in his lungs.He toldme that hehad several such illturnsbefore,onlynottosohighadegree,butashesupposed,owingtothesamecause,viz.thebreakingofulcers;andthathewasbroughtlowerandlowereverytime;anditappearedtohim,thatinhislastsicknesshewasbroughtas lowas itwaspossible,andyet live;andthathehadnotthe least expectation of surviving the next return of this breaking ofulcers;butstillappearedperfectlycalmintheprospectofdeath.

On Wednesday morning, the week after he came to Northampton, hetookleaveofhisbrotherIsrael,neverexpectingtoseehimagaininthisworld;henowsettingoutfromhenceonhisjourneytoNew-Haven.

WhenMr.Brainerdcamehither,hehadsomuchstrengthastobeable,from day to day, to ride out two or three miles, and to return; andsometimestoprayinthefamily;butfromthistimehegraduallydecayed,becomingweakerandweaker.

Whilehewashere,his conversation from first to lastwasmuchon thesame subjects aswhen inBoston.He spokemuchof thenatureof truereligion in heart and practice, as distinguished from its variouscounterfeits; expressing his great concern, that the latter so muchprevailedinmanyplaces.Heoftenmanifestedhisgreatabhorrenceofallsuch doctrines and principles in religion, as had any tendency toantinomianism;ofallsuchnotions,asseemedtodiminishthenecessityofholinessoflife,ortoabatemen'sregardtothecommandsofGod,anda strict, diligent, and universal practice of virtue and piety, under apretenceofdepreciatingourworks,andmagnifyingGod'sfreegrace.Hespoke often,withmuchdetestation, of such experiences andpretendeddiscoveries and joys, as have nothing of the nature of sanctification inthem,asdonottendtostrictness,tenderness,anddiligenceinreligion,tomeeknessandbenevolencetowardsmankind,andanhumblebehaviour.Healsodeclared,thathelookedonsuchpretendedhumilityasworthyofno regard, which was not manifested by modesty of conduct andconversation.Hespakeoften,withabhorrence,ofthespiritandpracticethatappearsamongthegreaterpartofseparatistsatthisdayintheland,particularly, those in the eastern parts of Connecticut; in their

condemning and separating from the standing ministry and churches,their crying down learning and a learned ministry, their notion of animmediate call to the work of the ministry, and the forwardness oflaymen to set up themselves as public teachers. He had been muchconversant in the eastern part of Connecticut, (it being near his nativeplace,) when the same principles, notion, and spirit began to operate,whichhavesinceprevailedtoagreaterheight;andhadacquaintancewithsome of those persons who are become heads and leaders of theseparatists.Hehadalsobeen conversantwithpersonsof the samewayelsewhere; and I heard him say, once and again, he knew by hisacquaintance with this sort of people, that what was chiefly and mostgenerallyinreputeamongthemasthepowerofgodliness,wasanentirelydifferentthingfromthattruevitalpietyrecommendedintheScriptures,andhadnothing in it of thatnature.Hemanifestedagreatdislikeof adispositioninpersonstomuchnoiseandshowinreligion,andaffectingto be abundant in proclaiming and publishing their own experiences.Thoughatthesametimehedidnotcondemn,butapprovedofChristiansspeaking of their own experiences on some occasions, and to somepersons,withduemodestyanddiscretion.Hehimselfsometimes,whileat my house, spake of his own experiences; but it was always withapparentreserve,andintheexerciseofcareandjudgmentwithrespecttooccasions,persons,andcircumstances.Hementionedsomeremarkablethings of his own religious experience to two young gentlemen,candidates for theministry,whowatchedwithhim (each at a differenttime)whenhewasverylow,andnotfarfromhisend;buthedesiredbothofthemnottospeakofwhathehadtoldthemtillafterhisdeath.

The subject of that debate I mentioned before, which he had with acertaingentleman,thedayheleftBoston,seemedtoliewithmuchweightonhismindafterhecamehither;andhebegantowritea letter to thatgentleman,expressinghissentimentsconcerningthedangeroustendencyof some of the tenets he had expressed in conversation, and in thewritings he had published; with the considerations by which theexceeding hurtful nature of those notions is evident; but he had notstrengthtofinishhisletter.

Afterhe camehither, as longashe lived,he spokemuchof that future

prosperity of Zion which is so often foretold and promised in theScripture. It was a theme he delighted to dwell upon; and his mindseemed to be carried forth with earnest concern about it, and intensedesires,thatreligionmightspeedilyandabundantlyreviveandflourish.Thoughhehadnottheleastexpectationofrecovery,yea,thenearerdeathadvanced,andthemorethesymptomsofitsapproachincreased,stillthemore did hismind seem to be taken upwith this subject.He toldme,whennearhisend,that"heneverinallhislifehadhismindsoledforthindesiresandearnestprayersfortheflourishingofChrist'skingdomonearth,as sincehewasbroughtsoexceeding lowatBoston."Heseemedmuch to wonder, that there appeared no more of a disposition inministers andpeople topray for the flourishingof religion through theworld;thatsolittleapartoftheirprayerswasgenerallytakenupaboutit,in their families, and elsewhere; and particularly, he several timesexpressed his wonder, that there appeared no more forwardness tocomplywith theproposal latelymade, inaMemorial fromanumberofministers in Scotland, and sent over into America, for unitedextraordinary prayer, among Christ's ministers and people, for thecomingofChrist'skingdom:andhesentitashisdyingadvicetohisowncongregation,thattheyshouldpractiseagreeablytothatproposal.[58]

Thoughhewas constantlyexceedingweak, yet thereappeared inhimacontinual carewell to improve time, and fill it upwith something thatmightbeprofitable,andinsomerespectforthegloryofGodorthegoodofmen;eitherprofitableconversation,orwritingletterstoabsentfriends,or noting something in his diary, or looking over his former writings,correctingthem,andpreparingthemistobeleftinthehandsofothersathisdeath,orgivingsomedirectionsconcerning the futuremanagementofhispeople,oremploymentinsecretdevotions.Heseemednevertobeeasy,howeverill,ifhewasnotdoingsomethingforGod,orinhisservice.After he came hither, he wrote a preface to a diary of the famousMr.Shepard's,(inthosepapersbeforementioned,latelyfound,)havingbeenmuchurgedto itbythosegentlemeninBostonwhohadthecareof thepublication:whichdiary,withhispreface,hassincebeenpublished.[59]

In his diary for Lord's day, Aug. 9, he speaks of longing desires afterdeath,throughasenseoftheexcellencyofastateofperfection.—Inhis

diary for Lord's day, Aug. 16, he speaks of his having so muchrefreshmentofsoulinthehouseofGod,thatitseemedalsotorefreshhisbody.Andthisisnotonlynotedinhisdiary,butwasveryobservabletoothers:itwasveryapparent,notonlythathismindwasexhilaratedwithinward consolation,but also thathis animal spirits andbodily strengthseemedtoberemarkablyrestored,asthoughhehadforgothisillness.—But thiswas the last time that ever he attended publicworship on thesabbath.

OnTuesdaymorningthatweek(Ibeingabsentona journey)heprayedwith my family; but not without much difficulty, or want of bodilystrength;andthiswasthelastfamilyprayerthateverhemade.—Hehadbeenwont, till now, frequently to ride out two or threemiles; but thisweek,onThursday,wasthelasttimeheeverdidso.

"Lord'sday,Aug.23.ThismorningIwasconsiderablyrefreshedwiththethought, yea, the hope and expectation of the enlargement of Christ'skingdom;andIcouldnotbuthopethetimewasathand,whenBabylonthe great would fall, and rise no more. This led me to some spiritualmeditations, that were very refreshing to me. I was unable to attendpublicworship,eitherpartoftheday;butGodwaspleasedtoaffordmefixedness and satisfaction in divine thoughts. Nothing so refreshesmysoul,aswhenIcangotoGod,yea,toGodmyexceedingjoy.Whenheisso,sensibly,tomysoul,ohhowunspeakablydelightfulisthis!

"In the week past I had divers turns of inward refreshing; though mybodywasinexpressiblyweak,followedcontinuallywithaguesandfevers.SometimesmysoulcenteredinGod,asmyonlyportion;andIfeltthatIshouldbeforeverunhappyifhedidnotreign.Isawthesweetnessandhappiness of being his subject, at his disposal. This made all mydifficultiesquicklyvanish.

"FromthisLord'sday,viz.Aug.23,Iwastroubledverymuchwithvaporydisorders, and could neither write nor read, and could scarcely live;although, through mercy, was not so much oppressed with heavymelancholyandgloominess,asatmanyothertimes.

Till thisweekhehadbeenwontto lodge inaroomabovestairs;buthe

nowgrewsoweak,thathewasnolongerabletogoupstairsanddown.Friday, Aug. 28, was the last time he ever went above-stairs;henceforwardhebetookhimselftoalowerroom.

OnWednesday,Sept.2,beingthedayofourpubliclecture,heseemedtobe refreshedwith seeing the neighboringministers that came hither tothelecture,andexpressedagreatdesireoncemoretogotothehouseofGod on that day: and accordingly rode to the meeting, and attendeddivine service, while the Reverend Mr. Woodbridge, of Hatfield,preached.Hesignifiedthathesupposedittobethelasttimethateverheshouldattendthepublicworship;asitproved.Andindeeditwasthelasttimethateverhewentoutatourgatealive.

On theSaturday eveningnext followinghewasunexpectedly visitedbyhisbrother,Mr.JohnBrainerd,whocametoseehimfromNewJersey.He was much refreshed by this unexpected visit, this brother beingpeculiarlydeartohim;andheseemedtorejoiceinadevoutandsolemnmanner, to see him, and to hear the comfortable tidings he broughtconcerning the state of his dear congregation of Christian Indians. Acircumstanceof thisvisit,ofwhichhewasexceedingglad,was, thathisbrotherbroughthimsomeofhisprivatewritingsfromNewJersey,andparticularlyhisdiarythathehadkeptformanyyearspast.

"Lord'sday,Sept.6.Ibegantoreadsomeofmyprivatewritings,whichmybrotherbroughtme;andwasconsiderablyrefreshedwithwhatImetwithinthem.

"Monday,Sept.7.Iproceededfurtherinreadingmyoldprivatewritings,and found theyhad the sameeffectuponmeasbefore. I couldnotbutrejoice and blessGod forwhat passed long ago, whichwithoutwritinghadbeenentirelylost.

"Thisevening,whenIwasingreatdistressofbody,mysoullongedthatGodshouldbeglorified:Isawtherewasnoheavenbutthis.Icouldnotbutspeaktothebystandersthenoftheonlyhappiness,viz.pleasingGod.OthatIcouldforeverlivetoGod!Theday,Itrust,isathand,theperfectday.Oh,thedayofdeliverancefromallsin.

"Lord's day, Sept. 13. Iwasmuch refreshed and engaged inmeditationandwriting,andfoundahearttoactforGod.Myspiritswererefreshed,andmysouldelightedtodosomethingforGod."

On the evening following that Lord's day, his feet began to appearsensibly swelled; which thenceforward swelled more and more. Asymptomofhisdissolutioncomingon.ThenextdayhisbrotherJohnlefthim, being obliged to return to New Jersey on some business of greatimportance and necessity; intending to return again with all possiblespeed,hopingtoseehisbrotheryetoncemoreinthelandoftheliving.

Mr. Brainerd having now, with much deliberation, considered of theimportant affair before mentioned, which was referred to him by theHonourableCommissionersinBoston,oftheCorporationinLondonforthePropagationoftheGospelinNewEnglandandpartsadjacent,viz.thefixinguponandrecommendingoftwopersonspropertobeemployedasmissionaries to the Six Nations, he about this time wrote a letter,recommending two young gentlemen of his acquaintance to thosecommissioners, viz. Mr. Elihu Spencer of East Haddam, and Mr. JobStrongofNorthampton.Thecommissioners,onthereceiptofthisletter,cheerfullyandunanimouslyagreedtoacceptofandemploythepersonshe had recommended. They accordingly have since waited on thecommissionerstoreceivetheirinstructions;andpursuanttothese,haveapplied themselves, to a preparation for the business of their mission.Oneofthem,Mr.Spencer,hasbeensolemnlyordainedtothatwork,byseveral of the ministers of Boston, in the presence of an ecclesiasticalcouncilconvenedforthatpurpose;andisnowgoneforthtothenationofOncidaes,aboutahundredandseventymilesbeyondAlbany.

He also this week, viz. on Wednesday, Sept. 16, wrote a letter to aparticular gentleman in Boston (one of those charitable persons beforementioned,whoappearedsoforwardtocontributeoftheirsubstanceforpromotingChristianityamongtheIndians)relatingtothegrowthoftheIndianschool.Andtheneedofanotherschoolmaster,orsomepersontoassist the schoolmaster in instructing the Indian children. Thesegentlemen,on thereceiptof this letter,hadameeting,andagreedwithgreatcheerfulnesstogive200l.(inbillsoftheoldtenor)forthesupportof another schoolmaster; and desired the Reverend Mr. Pemberton of

NewYork,(whowasthenatBoston,andwasalso,attheirdesire,presentattheirmeeting,)assoonaspossibletoprocureasuitablepersonforthatservice;andalsoagreedtoallow75l.todefraysomespecialchargesthatwererequisitetoencouragethemissiontotheSixNations,(besidesthesalary allowed by the commissioners,) which was also done on someintimationsgivenbyMr.Brainerd.

Mr.Brainerdspenthimselfmuchinwritingthoseletters,beingexceedingweak: but it seemed to be much to his satisfaction, that he had beenenabledtodoit;hopingthatitwassomethingdoneforGod,andwhichmightbe for theadvancementofChrist'skingdomandglory. Inwritingthe last of these letters,hewasobliged touse thehandof another,notbeingabletowritehimself.

On theThursdayof thisweek (Sept. 17.)was the last time that everhewentoutofhislodgingroom.ThatdayhewasagainvisitedbyhisbrotherIsrael, who continued with him thenceforward till his death. On thatevening, he was taken with something of a diarrhea; diarrhea lookeduponasanothersignofhisapproachingdeath:whereuponheexpressedhimselfthus;"Oh,theglorioustimeisnowcoming!IhavelongedtoserveGodperfectly:nowGodwillgratifythosedesires!"Andfromtimetotime,at the several steps and new symptoms of the sensible approach of hisdissolution,hewassofarfrombeingsunkordamped,thatheseemedtobeanimated,andmademorecheerful;asbeinggladattheappearanceofdeath'sapproach.Heoftenused theepithet,glorious,whenspeakingofthe day of his death, calling it that glorious day. And as he saw hisdissolution gradually approaching, he talked much about it; and withperfectcalmnesshespokeofafuturestate.Healsosettledallhisaffairs,giving directions very particularly and minutely, concerning what hewouldhavedone inone respect andanother afterhisdecease.And thenearer death approached, themore desirous he seemed to be of it.Heseveral times spoke of the different kinds of willingness to die; andrepresenteditasanignoble,meankind,tobewillingto leavethebody,only to get rid of pain; or to go to heaven, only to get honour andadvancementthere.

"Saturday, Sept. 19. Near night, while I attempted to walk a little, mythoughtsturnedthus;`Howinfinitelysweetitis,toloveGod,andbeall

forhim!'Uponwhichitwassuggestedtome,`Youamnotanangel,notlively and active.' To which my whole soul immediately replied, `I assincerely desire to love and glorifyGod, as any angel in heaven.'Uponwhich it was suggested again, `But you are filthy, not fit for heaven.'HereuponinstantlyappearedtheblessedrobesofChrist'srighteousness,which I could not but exult and triumph in; and I viewed the infiniteexcellencyofGod,andmysoulevenbrokewithlongingsthatGodshouldbe glorified. I thought of dignity in heaven; but instantly the thoughtreturned, `I donot go toheaven to get honour, but to give all possiblegloryandpraise.'Oh,howIlongedthatGodshouldbeglorifiedonearthalso!Oh,Iwasmadeforeternity,ifGodmightbeglorified!BodilypainsIcared not for; though Iwas then in extremity, I never felt easier. I feltwillingtoglorifyGodinthatstateofbodilydistress,aslongashepleasedIshouldcontinueinit.Thegraveappearedreallysweet,andIlongedtolodgemywearybonesinit:butoh,thatGodmightbeglorified!thiswasthe burden of allmy cry.Oh, I knew I should be active as an angel inheaven;andthatIshouldbestrippedofmyfilthygarments!sothattherewasnoobjection.—But,oh,toloveandpraiseGodmore,topleasehimforever!thismysoulpantedafter,andevennowpantsforwhileIwrite.OhthatGodmightbeglorifiedinthewholeearth!`Lord,letthykingdomcome.'IlongedforaSpiritofpreachingtodescendandrestonministers,that they might address the consciences of men with closeness andpower. I sawGod`had theresidueof theSpirit;'andmysoul longed itshouldbe`pouredfromonhigh.'IcouldnotbutpleadwithGodformydear congregation, that he would preserve it, and not suffer his greatnametoloseitsgloryinthatwork;mysoulstilllongingthatGodmightbeglorified."

The extraordinary frame he was in that evening could not be hid; "hismouth spake out of the abundance of his heart," expressing in a veryaffectingmannermuch thesamethingsasarewritten inhisdiary;andamong very many other extraordinary expressions; which he thenuttered,weresuchasthese;"MyheavenistopleaseGod,andglorifyhim,andtogiveall tohim,andtobewhollydevotedtohisglory: that is theheaven I long for; that is my religion, and that is my happiness, andalwayswaseversinceIsupposeIhadanytruereligion:andallthosethatareofthatreligionshallmeetmeinheaven.—Idonotgotoheaventobe

advanced, but to give honour to God. It is nomatter where I shall bestationedinheaven,whetherIhaveahighorlowseatthere;buttolove,andplease, and glorifyGod is all.Had I a thousand souls, if theywereworthanything,IwouldgivethemalltoGod;butIhavenothingtogive,whenallisdone.—Itisimpossibleforanyrationalcreaturetobehappywithoutactingall forGod:Godhimself couldnotmakehimhappyanyotherway. I long tobe inheaven,praising andglorifyingGodwith theholyangels: allmydesire is toglorifyGod.—Myheartgoesout to theburyingplace;itseemstomeadesirableplace:butohtoglorifyGod!thatis it; that isaboveall.—It isagreatcomforttometothinkthatIhavedonealittleforGodintheworld:oh!itisbutaverysmallmatter;yetIhavedonealittle;andIlamentitthatIhavenotdonemoreforhim.—There is nothing in the world worth living for, but doing good andfinishingGod'swork,doingtheworkthatChristdid.Iseenothingelseintheworldthatcanyieldanysatisfaction,besides livingtoGod,pleasinghim,anddoinghiswholewill.—Mygreatestjoyandcomforthasbeentodo something for promoting the interest of religion, and the souls ofparticular persons: and now inmy illness, while I am full of pain anddistressfromdaytoday,allthecomfortIhaveisinbeingabletodosomelittlechar(orsmallpieceofwork)forGod;eitherbysomethingthatIsay,orbywriting,orsomeotherway."

He intermingledwith theseandother likeexpressions,manypatheticalcounsels to thosewhowere abouthim:particularly tomy children andservants.Heappliedhimselftosomeofmyyoungerchildrenatthistime;calling them to him, and speaking to them one by one; setting beforetheminaveryplainmannerthenatureandessenceoftruepiety,anditsgreatimportanceandnecessity;earnestlywarningthemnottorestinanythingshortofatrueandthoroughchangeofheart,andalifedevotedtoGod.Hecounseledthemnottobeslackinthegreatbusinessofreligion,norintheleasttodelayit;enforcinghiscounselswiththis,thathiswordswerethewordofadyingman:saidhe,"Ishalldiehere,andhereIshallbeburied,andhereyouwillseemygrave,anddoyourememberwhatIhavesaidtoyou.Iamgoingintoeternity;anditissweettometothinkofeternity:theendlessnessofitmakesitsweet:butoh,whatshallIsaytothe eternity of the wicked! I cannot mention it, nor think of it; thethoughtistoodreadful.Whenyouseemygrave,thenrememberwhatI

saidtoyouwhileIwasalive;thenthinkwithyourself,howthemanwholiesinthatgravecounseledandwarnedmetopreparefordeath."

His body seemed to bemarvellously strengthened, through the inwardvigor and refreshment of hismind; so that, although before he was soweakthathecouldhardlyutterasentence,yetnowhecontinuedhismostaffecting and profitable discourse to us for more than an hour, withscarceanyintermission;andsaidofit,whenhehaddone,"itwasthelastsermonthateverheshouldpreach."—Thisextraordinaryframeofmindcontinuedthenextday;ofwhichhesaysinhisdiaryasfollows.

"Lord'sday,Sept.20.Wasstillinasweetandcomfortableframe:andwasagainmeltedwithdesiresthatGodmightbeglorified,andwithlongingsto loveand live tohim.Longedfor the influencesof thedivineSpirit todescendonministers, ina specialmanner.Andoh, I longed tobewithGod,tobeholdhisglory,andtobowinhispresence!"

Itappearsbywhatisnotedinhisdiary,bothofthisdayandtheeveningpreceding,thathismindatthistimewasmuchimpressedwithasenseoftheimportanceoftheworkoftheministry,andtheneedofthegraceofGod,andhisspecialspiritualassistanceinthiswork.Italsoappearedinwhat he expressed in conversation; particularly in his discourse to hisbrother Israel, whowas then amember of Yale college at NewHaven,prosecutinghisstudiesfortheworkoftheministry.

[60]Henow,andfromtimetotime,inthishisdyingstate,recommendedto his brother a life of self-denial, of weanedness from the world, anddevotedness to God, and an earnest endeavour to obtain much of thegrace of God's Spirit, and God's gracious influences on his heart;representing the great needwhichministers stand in of them, and theunspeakable benefit of them from his own experience. Among manyother expressions, he said thus; "When ministers feel these specialgraciousinfluencesontheirhearts,itwonderfullyassiststhemtocomeattheconsciencesofmen,andasitweretohandlethem;whereas,withoutthem,whateverreasonandoratorywemakeuseof,wedobutmakeuseofstumps,insteadofhands."

"Monday, Sept. 21. I began to correct a little volume of my private

writings. God, I believe, remarkably helped me in it; my strength wassurprisingly lengthenedout,mythoughtswerequickandlively,andmysoul refreshed, hoping itmight be awork forGod.Oh, how good, howsweetitis,tolaborforGod!

"Tuesday,Sept.22.Wasagainemployed in readingandcorrecting,andhad the same success as the day before. I was exceeding weak; but itseemedtorefreshmysoulthustospendtime.

"Wednesday,Sept.23.Ifinishedmycorrectionsofthelittlepiecebeforementioned,andfeltuncommonlypeaceful:itseemedasifIhadnowdoneallmyworkinthisworld,andstoodreadyformycalltoabetter.AslongasIseeany thing tobedone forGod, life isworthhaving:butoh,howvainandunworthyitis,toliveforanylowerend!—ThisdayIinditedaletter, I think, of great importance, to theReverendMr.Byram inNewJersey. Oh that God would bless and succeed that letter, which waswrittenfor thebenefitofhischurch![61]OhthatGodwouldpurify thesonsofLevi, thathisglorymaybeadvanced!—Thisnight I enduredadreadful turn, whereinmy life was expected scarce an hour orminutetogether.ButblessedbeGod, Ihave enjoyed considerable sweetness indivinethingsthisweek,bothbynightandday.

"Thursday,Sept.24.Mystrengthbegantofailexceedingly;whichlookedfurtherasifIhaddoneallmywork:however,Ihadstrengthtofoldandsuperscribemy letter. About two I went to bed, being weak andmuchdisordered,andlayinaburningfevertillnight,withoutanyproperrest.IntheeveningIgotup,havinglaindowninsomeofmyclothes;butwasinthegreatestdistressthateverIendured,havinganuncommonkindofhiccough; which either strangled me, or threw me into a straining tovomit; andat the same timewasdistressedwithgripingpains.Oh, thedistress of this evening! I had little expectation of my living the nightthrough, nor indeed had any aboutme: and I longed for the finishingmoment!— I was obliged to repair to bed by six o'clock; and throughmercyenjoyedsomerest;butwasgrievouslydistressedatturnswiththehiccough.—MysoulbreathedafterGod,—`WhenshallIcometoGod,eventoGod,myexceedingjoy?'Ohforhisblessedlikeness!

"Friday,Sept.25.ThisdayIwasunspeakablyweak,andlittlebetterthan

speechless all the day: however, I was able to write a little, and feltcomfortablyinsomepartoftheday.Oh,itrefreshedmysoul,tothinkofformerthings,ofdesirestoglorifyGod,ofthepleasuresoflivingtohim!Oh,mydearGod,Iamspeedilycomingtothee,Ihope.Hastentheday,OLord,ifitbethyblessedwill.Ohcome,LordJesus,comequickly.Amen.[62]

"Saturday, Sept. 26. I felt the sweetness of divine things this forenoon;andhad the consolationofa consciousness that Iwasdoing somethingforGod.

"Lord'sday,Sept.27.Thiswasaverycomfortabledaytomysoul;IthinkI awoke with God. I was enabled to lift up my soul to God early thismorning;andwhileIhadlittlebodilystrength,IfoundfreedomtoliftupmyhearttoGodformyselfandothers.Afterwardswaspleasedwiththethoughtsofspeedilyenteringintotheunseenworld."

Earlythismorning,asoneofthefamilycameintotheroom,heexpressedhimself thus: "I have had more pleasure this morning, than all thedrunkardsintheworldenjoy."—Somuchdidheesteemthejoyoffaithabovethepleasuresofsin.—Hefeltthatmorninganunusualappetitetofood,withwhichhismind seemed to be exhilarated, looking on it as asignoftheverynearapproachofdeath.Atthistimehealsosaid,"Iwasbornonasabbath-day;andIhavereasontothinkIwasnew-bornonasabbath-day;andIhopeIshalldieonthissabbath-day.Ishalllookuponitasafavour,ifitmaybethewillofGodthatitshouldbeso:Ilongforthetime.Oh,`whyishischariotsolongincoming?whytarrythewheelsofhischariots?'Iamverywillingtopartwithall:IamwillingtopartwithmydearbrotherJohn,andnever to seehimagain, togo tobe for everwiththeLord.[63]Oh,whenIgothere,howwillGod'sdearchurchonearthbeuponmymind!"

Afterwards,thesamemorning,beingasked,howhedid?heanswered,"Iamalmost ineternity. I longtobe there.Mywork isdone:Ihavedonewithallmyfriends:alltheworldisnothingtome.Ilongtobeinheaven,praising and glorifying God with the holy angels. All my desire is toglorifyGod."

During the whole of these last two weeks of his life, he seemed tocontinue in this frame of heart; loose from all the world, as havingfinished his work, and done with all things here below. He had nownothingtodobuttodie,andtoabideinanearnestdesireandexpectationof thehappymoment,whenhis soul should take its flight to a state ofperfect holiness, in which he should be found perfectly glorifying andenjoyingGod.Hesaid,"That theconsiderationof thedayofdeath,andthedayofjudgment,hadalongtimebeenpeculiarlysweettohim."Fromtimetotimehespakeofhisbeingwillingtoleavethebodyandtheworldimmediately,thatday,thatnight,thatmoment,ifitwasthewillofGod.HealsowasmuchengagedinexpressinghislongingsthatthechurchofChrist on earth might flourish, and Christ's kingdom here might beadvanced,notwithstandinghewasabout to leave the earth, and shouldnot with his eyes behold the desirable event, nor be instrumental inpromotingit.Hesaidtome,onemorning,asIcameintotheroom,"Mythoughts have been employed on the old dear theme, the prosperity ofGod'schurchonearth.As Iwakedoutof sleep, Iwas led tocry for thepouring out of God's Spirit, and the advancement of Christ's kingdom,which the dear Redeemer did and suffered so much for. It is thatespecially makes me long for it." — He expressed much hope that agloriousadvancementofChrist'skingdomwasnearathand.

Heoncetoldme,that"hehadformerlylongedfortheoutpouringoftheSpiritofGod,andtheglorioustimesofthechurch,andhopedtheywerecoming;andshouldhavebeenwillingtohavelivedtopromotereligionatthat time, if thathadbeen thewill ofGod;but, sayshe, I amwilling itshouldbeasitis;Iwouldnothavethechoicetomakeformyself,fortenthousandworlds."Heexpressedonhisdeath-beda fullpersuasion thatheshouldinheavenseetheprosperityofthechurchonearth,andshouldrejoice with Christ therein; and the consideration of it seemed to behighlypleasingandsatisfyingtohismind.

Healso still dweltmuchon thegreat importanceof theworkof gospelministers;andexpressedhis longings,thattheymightbefilledwiththeSpiritofGod.Hemanifestedmuchdesiretoseesomeoftheneighboringministers,withwhomhehad someacquaintance, andofwhose sincerefriendshiphewasconfident,thathemightconversefreelywiththemon

thatsubject,beforehedied.Anditsohappened,thathehadopportunitywithsomeofthemaccordingtohisdesire.

Anotherthingthatlaymuchonhisheart,fromtimetotime,inthesenearapproachesofdeath,wasthespiritualprosperityofhisowncongregationofChristian Indians inNewJersey: andwhenhe spakeof them, itwaswith peculiar tenderness; so that his speech would be presentlyinterruptedanddrownedwithtears.

HealsoexpressedmuchsatisfactioninthedisposalsofProvidence,withregardtothecircumstancesofhisdeath;particularlythatGodhadbeforehisdeathgivenhimanopportunityinBoston,withsomanyconsiderablepersons,ministers and others, to give in his testimony forGod againstfalsereligion,andmanymistakesthatleadtoit,andpromoteit.Hewasmuchpleased thathehadanopportunity there to laybeforepious andcharitablegentlementhestateoftheIndians,andtheirnecessities,tosogoodeffect;andthatGodhadsinceenabledhimtowritetothemfurtherconcerningtheseaffairs;andtowriteotherlettersofimportance,thathehoped might be of good influence with regard to the state of religionamong the Indians, and elsewhere, after his death.He expressed greatthankfulnesstoGodforhismercyinthesethings.Healsomentioneditaswhatheaccountedamercifulcircumstanceofhisdeath, thatheshoulddie here. [64]And speaking of these things, he said, "Godhad grantedhim all his desire;" and signified, that now he could with the greateralacrityleavetheworld.

"Monday,Sept.28.Iwasabletoread,andmakesomefewcorrectionsinmyprivatewritings;but foundIcouldnotwriteas Ihaddone; I foundmyself sensibly declined in all respects. It has been only from a littlewhilebeforenoon,tillaboutoneortwoo'clock,thatIhavebeenabletodoanythingforsometimepast:yetthisrefreshedmyheart,thatIcoulddoanything,eitherpublicorprivate,thatIhopedwasforGod."

This evening hewas supposed to be dying: he thought so himself, andwas thought so by those who were about him. He seemed glad at theappearanceofthenearapproachofdeath.Hewasalmostspeechless,buthis lips appeared tomove: and one that sat very near him, heard himuttersuchexpressionsasthese,"Come,LordJesus,comequickly.—Oh,

why is his chariot so long in coming." — After he revived, he blamedhimselfforhavingbeentooeagertobegone.Andinexpressingwhathefound in the frameof hismind at that time, he said, he then found aninexpressibly sweet love to those that he looked upon as belonging toChrist,beyondalmostall thateverhe feltbefore;so that it "seemed(tousehisownwords)likealittlepieceofheaventohaveoneofthemnearhim." And being asked, whether he heard the prayer that was (at hisdesire)madewithhim;he said, "Yes,heheardeveryword,andhadanuncommonsenseofthethingsthatwereutteredinthatprayer,andthateverywordreachedhisheart."

OntheeveningofTuesday,Sept.29,ashelayonhisbed,heseemedtobeinanextraordinaryframe;hismindgreatlyengagedinsweetmeditationsconcerningtheprosperityofZion.Therebeingpresenthereatthattimetwo young gentlemen of his acquaintance, thatwere candidates for theministry, he desired us all to unite in singing a psalm on that subject,even Zion's prosperity. And on his desire we sung a part of the 102dPsalm.Thisseemedmuchtorefreshandrevivehim,andgavehimnewstrength; so that, though before he could scarcely speak at all, now heproceeded with some freedom of speech, to give his dying counsels tothose two young gentlemen before mentioned, relating to theirpreparationfor,andprosecutionof,thatgreatworkoftheministrytheywere designed for; and in particular, earnestly recommended to themfrequentsecretfastingandprayer:andenforcedhiscounselwithregardto this, fromhis own experience of the great comfort and benefit of it;which (said he) I should not mention, were it not that I am a dyingperson.Andafterhehad finishedhis counsel, hemade aprayer in theaudience of us all; wherein besides praying for this family, for hisbrethren, and those candidates for the ministry, and for his owncongregation, he earnestly prayed for the reviving and flourishing ofreligionintheworld.—Tillnow,hehadeverydaysatuppartoftheday;butafterthisheneverrosefromhisbed.

"Wednesday, Sept. 30. I was obliged to keep my bed the whole day,throughweakness.However,redeemedalittletime,and,withthehelpofmybrother,readandcorrectedaboutadozenpagesinmyMS.givinganaccountofmyconversion.

"Thursday, Oct. 1. I endeavoured again to do something by way ofwriting,butsoonfoundmypowersofbodyandmindutterlyfail.Feltnotso sweetly as when I was able to do something that I hopedwould dosomegood.Intheeveningwasdiscomposedandwhollydelirious;butitwas not long beforeGodwas pleased to giveme some sleep, and fullycomposedmymind. [65]Oh, blessed beGod for his great goodness tome,sinceIwassolowatMr.Bromfield's,onThursday,June18,last.Hehas,exceptthosefewminutes,givenmetheclearexerciseofmyreason,and enabledme to labormuch for him, in things both of a public andprivatenature;andperhapstodomoregoodthanIshouldhavedoneifIhad beenwell; besides the comfortable influences of his blessed Spirit,withwhichhehasbeenpleasedtorefreshmysoul.Mayhisnamehaveallthegloryforeverandever.Amen.

"Friday, Oct. 2. My soul was this day, at turns, sweetly set on God: Ilonged to be with him, that I might behold his glory. I felt sweetlydisposedtocommitalltohim,evenmydearestfriends,mydearestflock,myabsentbrother,andallmyconcernsfortimeandeternity.Ohthathiskingdommight come in theworld; that theymight all love and glorifyhim,forwhatheisinhimself;andthattheblessedRedeemermight`seeof the travailofhissoul,andbesatisfied!'`Ohcome,LordJesus,comequickly!Amen.'"[66]

The next evening we very much expected his brother John from NewJersey; it being about a week after the time that he proposed for hisreturn, when he went away. And though our expectations were stilldisappointed;yetMr.Brainerdseemedtocontinueunmoved,inthesamecalm and peaceful frame that he had before manifested; as havingresignedalltoGod,andhavingdonewithhisfriends,andwithallthingsherebelow.

Onthemorningofthenextday,beingLord'sday,Oct.4,asmydaughterJerusha(whochieflyattendedhim)cameintotheroom,helookedonherverypleasantly,andsaid,"DearJerusha,areyouwillingtopartwithme?— I amquitewilling to partwith you: I amwilling to partwith allmyfriends:IamwillingtopartwithmydearbrotherJohn,althoughI lovehim the best of any creature living: I have committed him and all myfriends to God, and can leave them with God. Though, if I thought I

shouldnotseeyouandbehappywithyouinanotherworld,Icouldnotbeartopartwithyou.Butweshallspendahappyeternitytogether!"[67]In theevening,asonecame into theroomwithaBible inherhand,heexpressedhimselfthus;"Ohthatdearbook!thatlovelybook!Ishallsoonsee it opened! the mysteries that are in it, and the mysteries of God'sprovidence,willbeallunfolded!"

His distemper now very apparently preyed on his vitals in anextraordinarymanner:notbyasuddenbreakingofulcersinhislungs,asat Boston, but by a constant discharge of purulent matter, in greatquantities:sothatwhathebroughtupbyexpectoration,seemedtobeasit were mouthfuls of almost clear pus; which was attended with veryinwardpainanddistress.

OnThursday,Oct.6,helayforaconsiderabletimeasifheweredying.Atwhichtimehewasheardtoutter,inbrokenwhispers,suchexpressionsasthese;"Hewillcome,hewillnottarry.—Ishallsoonbeinglory.—IshallsoonglorifyGodwiththeangels."—Butaftersometimeherevived.

The next day, Wednesday, Oct. 7, his brother John arrived from NewJersey;wherehehadbeendetainedmuchlongerthanheintended,byamortal sickness prevailing among the Christian Indians, and by someother circumstances that made his stay with them necessary. Mr.Brainerdwasaffectedandrefreshedwithseeinghim,andappearedfullysatisfiedwiththereasonsofhisdelay;seeingtheinterestofreligionandofthesoulsofhispeoplerequiredit.

Thenextday,Thursday,Oct.8,hewas ingreatdistressandagoniesofbody;andforthegreaterpartoftheday,wasmuchdisorderedastotheexerciseofhisreason.Intheeveninghewasmorecomposed,andhadtheuseofhisreasonwell;butthepainofhisbodycontinuedandincreased.Hetoldme,itwasimpossibleforanytoconceiveofthedistresshefeltinhisbreast.HemanifestedmuchconcernlestheshoulddishonourGodbyimpatience,underhisextremeagony;whichwassuch, thathesaid, thethoughtofenduring itoneminute longerwasalmost insupportable.HedesiredthatotherswouldbemuchinliftinguptheirheartscontinuallytoGod for him, that God would support him, and give him patience. Hesignified,thatheexpectedtodiethatnight;butseemedtofearalonger

delay:andthedispositionofhismindwithregardtodeathappearedstillthe same that it had been all along. And notwithstanding his bodilyagonies,yettheinterestofZionlaystillwithgreatweightonhismind;asappeared by some considerable discourse he had that eveningwith theReverendMr. Billing, one of the neighboringministers, (whowas thenpresent,)concerningthegreatimportanceoftheworkoftheministry,&c.And afterwards, when it was very late in the night, he hadmuch veryproper and profitable discourse with his brother John, concerning hiscongregation in New Jersey, and the interest of religion among theIndians.Inthelatterpartofthenight,hisbodilydistressseemedtorisetoagreaterheightthanever;andhesaidtothosethenabouthim,that"itwas another thing to die than people imagined;" explaining himself tomean that they were not aware what bodily pain and anguish isundergonebeforedeath.Towardsday,his eyes fixed; andhe continuedlyingimmovable,tillaboutsixo'clockinthemorning,andthenexpired,on Friday, Oct. 9, 1747; when his soul, as we may well conclude, wasreceivedbyhisdearLordandMaster, as aneminently faithful servant,intothatstateofperfectionofholiness,andfruitionofGod,whichhehadsooften and so ardently longed for; andwaswelcomedby the gloriousassemblyintheupperworld,asonepeculiarlyfittedtojointhemintheirblessedemployandenjoyment.

Muchrespectwasshowntohismemoryathisfuneral;whichwasontheMondayfollowing,afterasermonpreachedthesameday,onthatsolemnoccasion.Hisfuneralwasattendedbyeightoftheneighboringministers,and seventeen other gentlemen of liberal education, and a greatconcourseofpeople.

ENDNOTES

1InMr.Brainerd'saccountofhimselfhere,andcontinuedinhisDiary,the readerwill find a growing interest and pleasure as he proceeds: inwhichisbeautifullyexemplifiedwhattheinspiredpenmandeclares,"Thepathofthejustisasthemorninglight,thatshinethmoreandmoreuntotheperfectday."Andindeedevenhisdictionandstyleofwritingassumeagradualimprovement.—W.

2Mr.FiskewasthepastorofthechurchinHaddam.

3Yalecollege,inNew-Haven

4Particularlyunderthedate,Wednesday,Sept.11,1713.

5 In America, they begin to keep the Lord's day from six o'clock onSaturdayevening.

6Theapplicationwhichwasthenmadeanhisbehalf,hadnotthedesiredsuccess.

7Hereendthe30firstpagesof thethirdvolumeofhisdiary,whichhespeaks of in the beginning of this volume, (as observed before,) ascontaining a specimen of his ordinary manner of living, through thewholespaceoftime,fromthebeginningofthosetwovolumesthatweredestroyed.

8 It was in a place near Kent, in the western borders of Connecticut,wherethereisanumberofIndians.

9ThesegentlemenwhoexaminedMr.Brainerd,werethecorrespondentsinNewYork,NewJersey,andPennsylvania,ofthehonourableSocietyinScotlandforpropagatingChristianKnowledge;towhomwascommittedthemanagementoftheiraffairsinthoseparts,andwhowerenowmetatNewYork.

10Mr.Brainerd,havingnowundertakenthebusinessofamissionarytotheIndians,andexpectingina littletimeto leavehisnativecountry,togo among the savages into the wilderness, far distant, and spend theremainderofhis lifeamongthem—andhavingsomeestatelefthimbyhis father,and thinkingheshouldhavenooccasion for itamong them,(though afterwards, as he told me, he found himself mistaken) — sethimself to thinkwhichwayhemightspend itmost to thegloryofGod;andnowaypresenting tohis thoughtswhereinhe coulddomore goodwithit, thanbybeingatthechargeofeducatingsomeyoungpersonfortheministry,whoappearedtobeofgoodabilities,andwelldisposed,hefixed upon the person here spoken of to this end. Accordingly he was

soonputto learning;andMr.Brainerdcontinuedtobeatthechargeofhis education fromyear to year, so long ashe lived,whichwas till thisyoungmanwascarriedthroughhisthirdyearincollege.

11 It had been determined by the commissioners, who employed Mr.Brainerd as a missionary, that he should go as soon as might beconveniently to the Indians living near the Forks of Delaware river inPennsylvania, and the Indians on Susquehannah river;which being faroff,wherealsohewouldbeexposedtomanyhardshipsanddangers,wastheoccasionofhistakingleaveofhisfriendsinthismanner.

12The reasonwhy the commissioners or correspondents did not orderMr.BrainerdtogoimmediatelytotheIndians,andenteronhisbusinessasamissionary,was, that thewinterwasnot judgedtobeaconvenientseason for him first to go out into the wilderness, and enter on thedifficultiesandhardshipshemusttherebeexposedto.

13MantaukistheeasterncapeorendofLongIsland,inhabitedchieflybyIndians.

14 These ministers were the correspondents who now met atWoodbridge, and gaveMr.Brainerdnewdirections. Instead of sendinghim to the Indians at the Forks of Delaware, as before intended, theyorderedhimtogotoanumberofIndians,atKaunaumeek:aplaceintheprovince of New York, in the woods between Stockbridge and Albany.Thisalterationwasoccasionedbytwothings,viz.1.Informationthatthecorrespondentshadreceivedofsomecontentionnowsubsistingbetweenthe white people and the Indians at Delaware, concerning their lands,which they supposed would be a hindrance at present to theirentertainmentofamissionary, and tohis successamong them.And,2.SomeintimationstheyhadreceivedfromMr.Sergeant,missionarytotheIndiansatStockbridge,concerningtheIndiansatKaunaumeek,andthehopefulprospectofsuccessthatamissionarymighthaveamongthem.

15ThesewerethesameIndiansthatMr.Brainerdmentionsinhisdiary,onAugust12,theprecedingyear.

16Onthelastofthesedayshewrotethefirstletterinthecollectionofhis

letters among his Remains. 17 This person was Mr. Brainerd'sinterpreter; who was an ingenious young Indian belonging toStockbridge, whose name was John Wauwaumpequunnaunt. He hadbeeninstructedintheChristianreligionbyMr.Sergeant;hadlivedwiththeReverendMr.WilliamsofLongMeadow;hadbeenfurtherinstructedby him, at the charge of Mr. Hollis of London; and understood bothEnglishandIndianverywell,andwroteagoodhand.

18Hisbusinesswiththecommissionersnowwas,toobtainordersfromthemtosetupaschoolamongtheIndiansatKaunaumeek,andthathisinterpretermightbeappointedtheschoolmaster;whichwasaccordinglydone.

19Thisbeingcommencementday.

20Histrialwasthegreater,inthat,haditnotbeenforthedispleasureofthegovernorsofthecollege,hewouldnotonlyonthatdayhavesharedwithhisclass-matesinthepublichonourswhichtheythenreceived,butwouldonthatoccasionhaveappearedattheheadofthatclass:which,ifhehadbeenwiththem,wouldhavebeenthemostnumerousofanythateverhadbeengraduatedatthatcollege.

21IwaswitnesstotheveryChristianspiritMr.Brainerdshowedatthattime,beingthenatNew-Haven,andonethathethoughtfittoconsultonthat occasion.Thiswas the first time that ever I had anopportunity ofpersonal acquaintance with him. There truly appeared in him a greatdegreeofcalmnessandhumility:withouttheleastappearanceofrisingofspirit for any ill treatment he supposed he had suffered, or the leastbackwardness to abase himself before them, who, as he thought, hadwrongedhim.Whathedidwaswithoutanyobjectionor appearanceofreluctance, even in private to his friends, to whom he freely openedhimself.Earnest applicationwasmadeonhisbehalf to theauthorityofthe college, that he might have his degree then given him: andparticularlybytheRev.Mr.BurrofNewark,oneofthecorrespondentsofthe honourable society in Scotland; he being sent from New Jersey toNew-Haven, by the rest of the commissioners for that end: andmanyargumentswereused,butwithout success. Indeed thegovernorsof thecollegewereso farsatisfiedwiththereflectionsMr.Brainerdhadmade

onhimself, that they appearedwilling to admit him again into college;butnottogivehimhisdegree,tillheshouldhaveremainedthereatleasttwelve mouths, which being contrary to what the correspondents, towhomhewas now engaged, had declared to be theirmind, he did notconsent to it.Hedesiredhisdegree, ashe thought itwould tend tohisbeing more extensively useful; but still when he was denied it, hemanifestednodisappointmentorresentment.

22 The commissioners who employed him, had directed him to spendmuch time this winter withMr. Sergeant, to learn the language of theIndians; which necessitated him very often to ride, backwards andforwards, twenty miles through the uninhabited woods betweenStockbridge and Kaunaumeek; which many times exposed him toextremehardshipinthesevereseasonsofthewinter.

23ThisdayhewrotethesecondletteramonghisRemains.

24Whichwas,Isuppose,tothevalueofaboutonehundredandeighty-fivepoundsinourbillsoftheoldtenor,astheynowpass.Bythis,aswellasmanyotherthings,itismanifest,thathisfrequentmelancholydidnotarisefromtheconsiderationofanydisadvantagehewaslaidundertogetalivingintheworld,byhisexpulsionfromthecollege.

25ThisdayhewrotethethirdletteramonghisRemains.

26ThisisinsertedamonghisRemains.

27 This was the last sabbath that ever he performed public service atKaunaumeek,andthesethelastsermonsthateverhepreachedthere.Itappearsbyhisdiary,thatwhilehecontinuedwiththeseIndians,hetookgreatpainswiththem,anddiditwithmuchdiscretion:buttheparticularmannerhow,hasbeenomittedforbrevity'ssake.

28 This congregationwas that atMillington, nearHaddam. Theywereveryearnestlydesirousofhiscomingamongthem.

29 The Indians at Kaunaumeek being but few in number, and Mr.Brainerdhavingnowbeenlaboringamongthemaboutayear,andhaving

prevaileduponthemtobewillingto leaveKaunaumeek,andremovetoStockbridge,toliveconstantlyunderMr.Sergeant'sministry;hethoughthemightnowdomore service forChrist among the Indianselsewhere;andthereforewentthisjourneytoNewJerseytolaythematterbeforethecommissioners; who met at Elizabeth-town, on this occasion, anddetermined that he should forthwith leave Kaunaumeek, and go to theDelawareIndians.

30BytheinvitationsMr.Brainerdhadlatelyreceived,itappears,thatitwas not from necessity, or for want of opportunities to settle in theministryamongsttheEnglish,notwithstandingthedisgracehehadbeenlaidunderatcollege, thathewasdeterminedto forsakeall theoutwardcomfortstobeenjoyedintheEnglishsettlements,togoandspendhislifeamongthebrutishsavages,andendurethedifficultiesandself-denialsofanIndianmission.Hehad, justashewas leavingKaunaumeek,hadanearnest invitation toa settlementatEastHamptononLong Island, thefairest,pleasantest townon thewhole island,andoneof its largestandmostwealthyparishes.Thepeopletherewereunanimousintheirdesirestohavehimfortheirpastor,andforalongtimecontinuedinanearnestpursuitofwhattheydesired,andwerehardlybroughttorelinquishtheirendeavours and give up their hopes of obtaining him. Besides theinvitationhehad toMillington;whichwasnearhisnative town,and inthemidstofhis friends.NordidMr.Brainerdchoose thebusinessof amissionarytotheIndians,ratherthanacceptofthoseinvitations,becausehewasunacquaintedwiththedifficultiesandsufferingswhichattendedsuchaservice;forhehadhadexperienceofthesedifficultiesinsummerandwinter;havingspentaboutatwelvemonthinalonelydesertamongthesesavages,wherehehadgonethroughextremehardships,andbeenthe subject of a train of outward and inward sorrows,whichwere nowfreshinhismind.Notwithstandingallthesethings,hechosestilltogoonwiththisbusiness;andthatalthoughtheplacehewasnowgoingto,wasat a stillmuch greaterdistance frommost of his friends, acquaintance,andnativeland.

31AplacesocalledinNewYorkgovernment,nearHudson'sriver,onthewestsideoftheriver.

32SeeMr.Brainerd'sNarrative,inalettertoMr.Pemberton,amonghis

Remains.

33Mr.Pemberton,inalettertotheHonourableSocietyinScotlandthatemployedMr. Brainerd, which hewrote concerning him, (published inScotland, in the ChristianMonthlyHistory,)writes thus, "We canwithpleasuresay,thatMr.Brainerdpassedthroughhisordination-trialtotheuniversal approbation of the Presbytery, and appeared uncommonlyqualifiedfortheworkoftheministry.Heseemstobearmedwithagreatdeal of self-denial, and animated with a noble zeal to propagate thegospel among those barbarous nations, who have long dwelt in thedarknessofheathenism."

34SeeMr.Brainerd'snarrativeaddressedtoMr.Pemberton,amonghisRemains.

35Thisweek,onTuesday,hewrotethefourthletteramonghisRemains.

36 Minister at a place called Rockciticus, about forty miles from Mr.Brainerd'slodgings.

37SeehisNarrativeaddressedtoMr.Pemberton.

38OnthisdayheconcludedhisNarrativeaddressedtoMr.Pemberton.

39ThisdayhewrotethefifthletteramonghisRemains.

40ThoughMr.Brainerdnowdweltbyhimselfintheforementionedlittlecottage,whichhehadbuiltforhisownuse;yetthatwasneartoafamilyofwhitepeoplewithwhomhehad livedbefore,andwithwhomhestillattendedfamilyprayer.

41Itseemshehadadesign,bywhatafterwardsappears,toremoveandliveamongtheIndiansatSusquehannahriver.

42TheIndiansatSusquehannahareamixedcompanyofmanynations,speakingvariouslanguages,andfewofthemproperlyoftheSixNations.ButyetthecountryhavingformerlybeenconqueredbytheSixNations,theyclaimtheland;andtheSusquehannahIndiansareakindofvassalstothem.

43 This is the journey which he occasionally mentions in his printedJournal.

44Mr.Brainerdhaving,whenatBoston,wroteand leftwitha friendabriefrelationoffactstouchinghislaborswiththeIndians,andreceptionamong them,during the space of timebetweenNovember 5. 1744, andJune 19, 1745, (with a view to connect hisNarrative, addressed toMr.Pemberton, and his Journal, in case they should ever be reprinted,)concludesthesamewiththispassage:"Asmybodywasveryfeeble,somymind was scarce ever so much damped and discouraged about theconversionof theIndians,asat this time.And in thisstateofbodyandmindImademyfirstvisittotheIndiansinNewJersey,whereGodwaspleasedtodisplayhispowerandgrace intheremarkablemannerthatIhaverepresentedinmyprintedJournal."

45ThereaderwillfindtheJournalherementionedinasubsequentpartofthisvolume.

46ThisisthethirdhousethathebuilttodwellinbyhimselfamongtheIndians:thefirstatKaunaumeekinthecountyofAlbany;thesecondattheForksofDelawareinPennsylvania,andnowthisatCrossweeksunginNewJersey.

47OnthefirstofthesedayshewrotethesixthletterpublishedamonghisRemains.

48Thisdayheenteredintothe29thyearofhisage.

49ThepublicJournalthathasbeensooftenreferredto,concludeswiththeaccountofthisday.

50Mr.Shepard,inhisSelectCasesResolved,underthefirstcasesaysasfollows,"Ihavelatelyknownoneveryable,wise,andgodly,putupontherack, by him that, envying God's people's peace, knows how to changehimselfintoanangeloflight;foritbeinghisusualcourse,inthetimeofhishealth,tomakeadiaryofhishourlylife,andfindingmuchbenefitbyit,hewasinconsciencepressed,bythepoweranddelusionofSatan,tomakeandtakethesamedailysurveyofhislifeinthetimeofhissickness;

bymeansofwhichhespenthisenfeebledspirits,castonfueltofirehissickness. Had not a friend of his convinced him of his erroneousconsciencemisleadinghimatthattime,hehadmurderedhisbody,outofconsciencetosavehissoul,andtopreservehisgrace.AnddoyouthinkthesewerethemotionsofGod'sSpirit,whichlikethoselocusts,Rev.ix.9,10. had faces likemen, but had tails like scorpions, and stings in theirtails?

51ThiswasthefourthhousehebuiltforhisresidenceamongtheIndians.Besides that at Kaunaumeek, and that at the Forks of Delaware, andanotheratCrossweeksung,hebuiltonenowatCranbury.

52AboutthistimehewrotetheseventhletteramonghisRemains.

53ThelatelearnedandveryexcellentMr.JonathanDickinson,pastorofachurch inElizabeth-town,presidentof thecollegeofNewJersey,andone of the Correspondents of the Honourable Society in Scotland forpropagating Christian Knowledge. He had a great esteem for Mr.Brainerd,andkindlyentertainedhiminhishouseduringhissicknessinthe winter past: and after a short illness, he died in the next ensuingOctober,twodaysbeforeMr.Brainerd.

54Aworthypiousyounggentleman;wholivedintheministrybutaveryshorttime:hediedatStratfield inConnecticut, theDecemberfollowinghis ordination, being a little while after Mr. Brainerd's death atNorthampton.Hewastakenillonajourney,returningfromavisittohisfriends at Milton, (in the Massachusetts,) which, as I take it, was hisnativeplace,andHarvardcollegetheplaceofhiseducation.

55Thisbrotherofhishadbeensent forby theCorrespondents, to takecare of, and instruct Mr. Brainerd's congregation of Indians; he beingobligedbyhis illnesstobeabsentfromthem.Andhecontinuedtotakecare of them till Mr. Brainerd's death: and since his death, has beenordained his successor in his mission, and to the charge of hiscongregation;whichcontinuesmuchtoflourishunderhispastoralcare.

56 Among these are the eighth, ninth, and tenth letters, among hisRemains.

57Ihavehadadvantageforthemorefullinformationofhisconductandconversation,theentertainmenthemetwith,andwhatpassedrelatingtohim while in Boston; as he was constantly attended, during hiscontinuancethere,byoneofmychildren,inordertohisassistanceinisillness.

58 His congregation, since this, have with great cheerfulness andunanimityfalleninwiththisadvice,andhavepractisedagreeablytotheproposal from Scotland; and have at times appeared with uncommonengagedness and fervency of spirit in their meetings and uniteddevotions,pursuant to thatproposal.AlsothepresbyteriesofNewYorkandNewBrunswick,sincethis,havewithoneconsentfalleninwiththeproposal,aslikewisesomeothersofGod'speopleinthoseparts.

59ApartofthisprefaceisinsertedintheReflectionsontheseMemoirs,inasubsequentpartofthisvolume.

60 This young gentleman was an ingenious, serious, studious, andhopefullytrulypiousperson:thereappearedinhimmanyqualitiesgivinghopeofhisbeingagreatblessinginhisday.ButithaspleasedGod,sincethedeathofhisbrother, to takehimawayalso.Hedied thatwinter, atNew Haven, on January 6, 1748, of a nervous fever, after about afortnight'sillness.

61Itwasconcerningthequalificationsofministers,andtheexaminationandlicensingofcandidatesfortheworkoftheministry.

62 Thiswas the last time that ever hewrote in his diarywith his ownhand!thoughitiscontinuedalittlefarther,inabrokenmanner;writtenbyhisbrotherIsrael,butinditedbyhismouthinthishisweakanddyingstate.

63Hehad,beforethis,expressedadesire,ifitmightbethewillofGod,to live till his brother returned from New Jersey: who, when he wentaway, intended, if possible, to perform his journey, and return in afortnight;hopingoncemoretomeethisbrotherinthelandoftheliving.Thefortnightwasnownearexpired,itendedthenextday.

64The editor takes leave tomake the remark, thatwhenMr.BrainerdwasatBoston,sicknighuntodeath,itwaswithreluctancehethoughtofdyinginaplacewherefuneralsareoftenattendedwithapompandshow,which (especially on occasion of his own) he was very averse to anyappearance of: and though itwaswith some difficulty he got hismindreconciledtotheprospectthenbeforehim,yetatlasthewasbroughttoacquiesce in the divine will, with respect to this circumstance of hisdeparture.However,itpleasedGodtoordertheeventsoastogratifyhisdesire,whichhehadexpressed,ofgettingback toNorthampton,withaviewparticularlytoamoresilentandprivateburial.

65Fromthis timeforwardhehadthe freeuseofhisreasontill thedaybeforehisdeath;exceptingthatatsometimesheappearedalittlelostforamoment,atfirstwakingoutofsleep.

66Hereendshisdiary:thesethelastwordsthatarewritteninit,eitherbyhisownhand,orbyanyotherfromhismouth.

67Sincethis, ithaspleasedaholyandsovereignGodtotakeawaythismydearchildbydeath,on the14thofFebruary,next following,afterashort illness of five days, in the eighteenth year of her age. She was aperson ofmuch the same spirit withMr. Brainerd. She had constantlytakencareofandattendedhiminhissickness,fornineteenweeksbeforehisdeath;devotingherselftoitwithgreatdelight,becauseshelookedonhim as an eminent servant of Jesus Christ. In this time he had muchconversationwith her on the things of religion; and in his dying state,oftenexpressed tous,herparents,hisgreat satisfactionconcerninghertruepiety,andhisconfidencethatheshouldmeetherinheaven:andhishighopinionofher,notonlyasatrueChristian,butaveryeminentsaint:one whose soul was uncommonly fed and entertained with things thatappertaintothemostspiritual,experimental,anddistinguishingpartsofreligion: and one who, by the temper of her mind, was fitted to denyherself forGod, and to do good, beyond any youngwomenwhatsoeverthat he knew of. She had manifested a heart uncommonly devoted toGod, inthecourseofher life,manyyearsbeforeherdeath:andsaidonher death-bed, that "she had not seen one minute for several years,whereinshedesiredto liveoneminutelonger, forthesakeofanyothergoodinlife,butdoinggood,livingtoGod,anddoingwhatmightbefor

hisglory."

THEEND

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