the gettysburgian april 2, 2015

♦ Thursday, April 2, 2015

Thursday, April 2, 2015Volume CXVI, No. 10

Insi

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Th

is I

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Letter from a #meninist,

pg. 5

Get Acquainted Day concert,

pg. 3

Skeleton of the week,

pg. 2

FREE

College looks to trailers

for housing,pg. 4

Women’s tennis

team fights stomach bug

on court, pg. 6

Students of Gettysburg,

pg. 4

This Week’s

Top Stories

M ə n h e ç k i m Azərbaycan danışmaq v ə m ə n , h ə q i q ə t ə n , b u b ü t ü n b ö l m ə d o l d u r u l m a s ı k i m i h i s s e t m i r ə m b i l i r t ə x m i n e d i r ə m . H ə r kəs Azərbaycan di l ini etmir əgər Bəli , mən səhvlər onlarla burada yəq in k i , va r k i , b i l -i r ik . Bəlkə də t r i lyon . Yaxşı təbrik edirəm , cənab smartypants . Hər h a l d a , b u r a d a b ə l k ə b i r r e a l m a d d ə k i m i baxmaq üçün bəzi ad-lar və yerlərdir. Barak Obama kimi mətbuat və ya bir şey bu açıqladı. Joe Biden heç bir şey etmədi . ISIS onlar ISIS ş e y l e r d a v a m e d i r i k söylədi . Sonu.

D i g ə r x ə b ə r l ə r , m ə n h ə l ə d ə b u r a d a daha çox ye r do ldur -maq lazımdır . Burada daha çox adları var . Bu hekayə nüfuzunu etmək üçün bu az tanış olacaq. Senator Ted Sandwich o ürəkdən qanun dəstək ve rəcək lə r in i söy ləd i . W o w . A z ə r b a y c a n sendv iç üçün b i r söz yoxdur. Mən bütün gün e ş i t m i ş ə m ə n f a c i ə l i h e k a y ə d e y i l . K i m s ə k i , b i r hekayə e tmək lazımdır . Bir sıra ciddi heyəti var.

Milli

Dünya xaos edir. B u z a m a n o , h ə m i ş ə olacaq olmuşdur . Za -man üçün təşəkkür ed-irik. Orson Wellees belə yağ var niyə görəsən? M ə n o y ə q i n k i , b i r məşqçi təmin etdik bilər və o, bir qəhrəman və / və ya növ bir dahi kimi özünü görüb çox meyl-l i görünürdü ed i rəm. Mən yalnız o ego çox istədiyiniz düşündüm . Yaxşı Oh.

Mən Google bu büt-ün yardım üçün tərcümə təşəkkür etmək istərdim . Siz gözəl kömək ol-dum . İndi burada yalnız bir hərfi cəfəngiyyatdır. Sandwich heartstrings Birləşmiş Millətlər tez-tez oh sendviç üçün heç bir söz var gözləyin ox-uyur ürək qırıqlıqları . Wow . Mən hələ ki, artıq ala bilmir . Bu deli var .

Beynəlxalq

Bu həftə “Top hekayələri” tərcümə Google informa-siya ilə Brendan Raleigh tərəfindən tərtib edilmişdir .

G-Burg to be renamed after deal with soda corp.

By Brendan raleigh news editor

Following the 2014-2015 academic year, Gettysburg Col-lege as students know it will cease to exist -- at least under the name “Gettysburg College.”

After weeks of negotia-tions with the new, but rapidly expanding, Bisom Cola Com-pany, the college finally settled on a deal that would alter the college’s name in exchange for a number of financial gifts from the Bisom Cola Company.

“It is really a fantastic deal for both parties,” commented Bisom Cola CEO Arnold Levin-thall. “With our recent sales num-bers, we have plenty of excess cash to spend on stuff like this. And it shows that Gettysburg re-ally likes Bisom Cola, too.”

Levinthall continued to explain his thoughts behind the unorthodox marketing strategy.

“We’re not just advertising to the students and faculty with this. Everytime a graduate of the college submits a job application, that employer will read that they graduated from ‘Gettysburg Col-lege, Sponsored by Bisom Cola.’ It shows that they graduated from a school that is not only hip, but is also a big fan of Bisom Cola. It’s a win-win.”

In addition to paying a sum of over $95,000 to the college, Bisom Cola has also offered students a 10% discount on all Bisom Cola products, so long as they are purchased on a weekday

By Julia sippel

staff writer

Though rushing has yet to commence, some on campus are too excited to wait until fall.

As Panhellenic events familiarize students with the various facets of Gettysburg Greek life, other members of the campus community are preparing in their own ways.

T h e s e e v e n t s a r e intended to allow freshman and others who aren’t yet affiliated with a sororityhere at Gettysburg- that includes Alpha Del ta P i (ΑΔΠ), Gamma Phi Beta (ΓΦΒ), Delta Gamma (ΔΓ), Sigma Sigma Sigma (ΣΣΣ) and Chi Omega (ΧΩ)- to familiarize themselves with the groups.

“I’d love to rush any of them,” said Geneva Wilson, a G e t t y s b u r g C o l l e g e squirrel,” but we have our own sororities!”

Greek life has long been a facet of the campus squirrel experience.

N u U p s i l o n T a u (ΝΥΤ) is the oldest rodent

so ro r i t y i n t he na t ion , with chapters at Harvard University, the College of William and Mary, George Washington Universi ty , Yale University, Princeton University, University of California, Los Angeles and Gettysburg College.

O t h e r G e t t y s b u r g Squirrel Sorority chapters i n c l u d e R h o D e l t a N u Tau (ΡΔΝΤ), Sigma Rho Lambda (ΣΡΛ) and Alpha Gamma Rho Nu (ΑΓΡΝ). Jus t l ike in the human Panhellenic week, these are not formal recruiting

at a time between 9 a.m. and 11 a.m.

Given Gettysburg Col-lege students’ recent purchasing trends, such a discount could amount to dozens of dollars over the next few years, according to Levinthall.

Bisom Cola, founded by Levinthall in 2013, has been quickly making a name for itself in the soda industry, taking the places of Pepsi or Coca Cola as the drink-of-choice in six differ-ent states in America.

Despite the soda com-pany’s immense financial gifts, some students have expressed

their dissatisfaction with the trade-off.

First-year Justin Gumas commented on the renaming, saying, “Although there are some species, such as the woodcock, which seem to be prone to fly-ing into windows, there is little evidence of the issue affecting the conservation status of any species.”

The Bisom Company has received many similar complaints from students recently, but CEO Arnold Levinthall commented that he is sure that students are overreacting.

“Most students are acting

as if they have to call the school ‘Gettysburg College, Sponsored by Bisom Cola’ every time they mention it, but this is far from the truth. We would prefer it, of course and we can take legal recourse if any students choose not to refer to the college by its full name, but in many ways, it is still up to the students. They can still call it ‘Gettysburg College,’ just so long as they are fine with being sued for it.”

The change is set to take place at the beginning of the 2015-2016 academic year.

With the new money ac-quired from the transaction, the

college plans to construct various advertisements and memorials in honor of Bisom Cola.

All drinks in the dining halls will be replaced with Bi-som Cola brand drinks, such as “Bisom Cola Milk Soda” and “Bisom Cola Carbonated, Caf-feinated Cola Water.” Gettysburg College is not the first school to sell its name to a prominent do-nor, however. In 2012, Dickinson College was famously purchased by North Korean leader Kim Jong-un for the price of ₩30 tril-lion North Korean wons, which, in U.S. dollars, amounts to ap-proximately $43.

G-burg College set to be renamed “Gettysburg College, Sponsored by Bisom Cola” in 2016

events. Instead, they are intended to let potential new members get to know current members and to allow those who have not yet made a definite decision to make up their minds.

“Just keep an open mind,” said Wilson, “and you’ll be fine!”

Registration for 2015 f o r m a l r e c r u i t m e n t i s available at http://www.g e t t y s b u r g . e d u / a b o u t /offices/college_life/osagl/greek/ or at the tree nearest you!

The recent financial gifts of Bisom Cola Company have purchased a few small changes for Gettysburg College, the most prominent being the requirement that the college follow its name with “Sponsored by Bisom Cola” on all official documents. CEO Arnold Levinthall (pictured

Geneva Wilson, a sister of Nu Upsilon Tau, discusses Gettysburg College’s oft-overlooked rodent Greek life.

Photo Credit: facebook.

G-burg looks back on history of April 1

By Julia sippel

staff writer

According to the His-t o r y C h a n n e l , t h e e x a c t or igins of All Fools’ Day are uncertain. In place of certainty, various possibili-t ies have been suggested.

T h e m o s t c o m m o n l y cited story of origin takes p lace in F rance on Apr i l 1, 1852. This was the first t ime that New Year’s Day was celebrated on January 1, as dictated by the Grego-rian calendar, instead of the Julian Calendar’s April 1.

Without modern tech-nology to inform the masses of the switch, many were u n a w a r e a n d c e l e b r a t e d on the l a t t e r da te . Those who knew better terrorized t h o s e w h o d i d n o t w i t h jokes , p lac ing paper f i sh called poisson d’avril (fish of April) on their backs to symbolize their gullibil i ty.

Another possible start includes ancient fest ivals, s u c h a s t h e f e s t i v a l o f Hilaria. Honoring Cybele, goddess of victory, Hilaria was celebrated on the ver-nal equinox. Of the many poss ib i l i t i es , th i s coordi -n a t e s m o s t c l o s e l y w i t h

t h i s y e a r ’ s A p r i l F o o l s ’ Day historians back up this s u p p o s e d c o r r e l a t i o n b y comparing Mother Nature’s unpredictable weather with the an t i c s o f the modern holiday.

Whi le the exac t o r i -g i n s a r e u n c l e a r , A p r i l Fools’ Day will doubtlessly cont inue to be celebrated for years to come.

An unusual perspective on the College’s Panhellenic Week

The history of April Fools’ day is long and complex.

Photo Credit: blogspot.com

♦ Thursday, April 2, 2015NEWS

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

NEWSTHE

GETTYSBURGIAN

By Brendan raleigh

news editor

ONE OF THESE STORIES IS FAKE. TRY TO GUESS WHICH ONE. ANSWER IS AT THE BOTTOM.

Sardine Arrested for ArsonDon’t think. Just answer. What is the worst kind of fish? You said sar-

dine, right? We all knew it. We all saw this coming. And it happened AGAIN. Another sardine has set fire to another house owned by regular ol’ folks like you and me. On March 23, a sardine was found flopping around a garage in Madison, WI after a nearby river overflowed and left him there. Out of sheer malice and anger toward humanity, this fish flips and flops around until he knocks a set of pliars inbetween a plug and an outlet, causing a minor spark that soon had the entire garage inflamed. The sardine perished soon after, but not before causing literally dozens of dollars in damages to the garage.

Disturbing, New Fungal Infection Named after SpongebobScientists at an research center in Melbourne, Australia have recently dis-

covered a new strain of fungal infection that is able to turn one’s fingers into a soft, spongy, and brittle material. One contracted, fingers and toes become extremely delicate and can easily be broken apart. The research team decided to name the infection after the children’s TV series, Spongebob Squarepants, as the extremities have been observed to take on a consistency and appearance that is similar to the show’s protagonist.

Bearded Man Confirms Bonnie and Clyde would not have been able to survive in a modern so-

ciety. Robber-wannabe Christopher Wallace of Somerset County, Maine was wanted for the burglarization of a propane cook stove and a cast iron wood stove….that is, until he revealed his location on SnapChat. Wallace wrote that he was back home in Fairfield and one of the people he sent it too has a sense of justice rivaling that of Mohandas Gandhi, Martin Luther King, or Stannis Baratheon. Wallace was charged with burglary, theft and violation of condi-tions of release and taken into custody, according to MyFox8.com.

Weird News of the Week

YOU HAVE BEEN VISITED BY THE SKELETON OF

SPOOKYTOWN! POST THIS

ON 6 FRIENDS’ WALLS OR

ELSE YOU WILL NEVER BE UNSPOOKED!

President Janet Morgan Riggs meets with famous Gettysburg College alumnus and design of the fashon line, “Gettysburg: A Dress,” George Washington.

Photo of the Week!

Gettysburg College Word Search!

Skeleton of the Week

Want your work featured as our

Photo of the Week?

Submit your photos to [email protected]!

Word Bank Servo Bullet Hole Breidenbaugh JMR Abe Lincoln The Gettysburgian Glatfelter Chicken fingers The Commons Word Search Mr. Gettysburgian Please find me help please Weidensall

A: All fake

By adam JacoBs

staff writer

Running a prestigious liberal arts college isn’t for the faint of heart. President Denise Alen Cartwright, who graduated from a certain, unspecified university in ‘77, now runs the show at said university, and was kind enough to buy me a Mocha (with whipped) from the Commons and sat down for an interview.

“Having the same work title as BrObama is pretty sweet, to say the least,” Cartwright began, “but it’s far from being all fun and games. As Presidents, we have to deal with a lot of stupid people on a daily basis.”

President Cartwright, while sipping on a Venti-Chai Latte with eighteen shots of espresso, described what her average day looks like.

“I wake up around five each morning to steal my neighbor’s copy of the [name of newspaper withheld] and throw a roll of that awful single-ply toilet paper all over Phi Delt’s house. Then I head over to Servo for one of those fantastic omelets, and force the manager to fire up the ice cream machine

for me. Afterwards, I whip one of those scooters-for-rent up and down North Washington, flipping off DPS and blasting some N.W.A. I like to keep in touch with my inner student.”

President Cartwright recently escaped a rather brutal board meeting, where an anonymous source claims the board members grilled Cartwright for hours on what’s been going on here at the college.

“Yeah, of course I remember the meeting with those liberal pansies coming into my house clamoring for ‘student rights’ and other stupid stuff. I remember thinking to myself, ‘Is this all worth it?’ Like, is it really worth sacrificing my remaining time on earth to helps secure the futures of these salmon-pant wearing toolbags strutting around campus?”

This reporter, as the owner of a pair of salmon pants, is more than a little dismayed at the Kool-Aid Cartwright is selling.

“I’ve got liberal pansies like you up my ass seven days a week asking me, Denise, where’s the money going, Denise?’ I don’t have time to deal with that B.S. Do you have

any idea how tough it is being all Presidential and s**t 24/7 while trying to get the grounds crew to install my new 12-man Jacuzzi the right way? I swear, this is why I drink.”

At this point, we had to take a break from the interview to give President Cartwright a chance to answer some texts and, “Downvote some weak-ass Yaks to oblivion.”

When asked about the recent allegations accusing her school of lacing the fingers of signature Chicken-Finger Friday with laxatives, Cartwright laughed.

“Of course we put laxatives in the fingers. The only one who could stomach them otherwise is a goat- we did a lot of illegal goat testing over the summer, which was fun. Off the record? They’re not even really chicken fingers- the [school-run restaurant name withheld] staff just fries up whatever animals campus security manages to taze during the week. It’s usually squirrel, but they’ve been wizening up to our tazering techniques, so occasionally we sub in some raccoons that are usually rooting around in the trash behind Servo.”

Pres. Cartwright chillaxes with student reporter for interview


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A & ETHE

GETTYSBURGIAN

Gateway Theater Movie Showtimes

Routes 30 & 15 Gettysburg, PA 717-337-5577

Movies at the Majestic

FRIDAY APRIL 3RD THRU WEDNESDAY APRIL 8TH

**NO SHOWS AFTER 8PM MONDAY THRU THURSDAY** **BARGAIN TUESDAYS – ALL SEATS $5 – ADDITIONAL FEE FOR 3D**

SHAKESPEARE’S KING JOHN FROM THE STRATFORD NO PASSES FESTIVAL WEDS. APRIL 8TH 7:00 EVENT PRICING

FOUR BLOOD MOONS NO PASSES THURS. APRIL 9TH 7:30 EVENT PRICING

FURIOUS 7 PG-13 NO PASSES (1:00) (1:30) (2:00) (4:00) (4:30) (5:00) 7:00 7:30 8:00 9:45 10:00

HOME 2D PG (1:15) (4:15) 7:10

HOME 3D PG 3D PRICING 9:30

GET HARD R I.D. REQUIRED (1:45) (4:45) 7:25 10:20

THE DIVERGENT SERIES: INSURGENT 2D PG-13 (1:00) (4:00) 7:00 9:40

DO YOU BELIEVE? PG-13 (1:20) (4:20) *7:20 9:55

*NO 7:20 SHOW ON WEDNESDAY

CINDERELLA PG (1:40) (4:40) 7:15 9:45

Mr. Turner RAn exploration of the last quarter century of the great, if eccentric, British painter J.M.W. Turner’s life.

Friday (4/3) - 7:00 PM Saturday (4/4) - 4:00 PM and 7:00 PM Monday - Thursday (4/6 - 4/9) - 7:00 PM

Second Best Exotic Marigold Hotel PG Dames Judi Dench and Maggie Smith lead an all-star cast in the comedy-drama sequel to the sleeper hit of 2012. With Dev Patel, Richard Gere, Bill Nighy & Penelope Wilton. Friday (4/3) - 7:15 PM Saturday (4/4) - 4:15 PM and 7:15 PM Monday - Thursday (4/6 - 4/9) - 7:15 PM

Top Songs1 POKEY LAFARGE Something In The Water Rounder2 MONOPHONICS Sound Of Sinning Transistor3 LOWER DENS Escape From Evil Domino4 ALEX G Trick Lucky Number5 DEATH CAB FOR CUTIE Kintsugi Atlantic

Top Albums1 KEATH MEAD Sunday Dinner Company2 REVEREND PEYTON’S BIG DAMN BAND So Delicious 3 DAN DEACON Gliss Riffer Domino4 DIAMOND RUGS Cosmetics Thirty Tigers-Sycamore5 SCREAMING FEMALES Rose Mountain Don Giovanni6 RYLEY WALKER Primrose Green Dead Oceans7 POP GROUP Citizen Zombie !K7-Freaks R Us8 MOON DUO Shadow Of The Sun Sacred Bones9 LOWERCASE LETTERS Lowercase Letters Self-Released10 PUNCH BROTHERS Phosphorescent Blues

WZBT Top Songs & Albums

Get Acquainted Day Concert*

This is the moment you have all been waiting for. This year’s Springfest artist will be R&B singer-songwriter Trey Songz! Trey Songz will be bringing his soulful sounds to Gettysburg’s campus on Saturday April 25! Trey Songz has had a very successful career; along with six albums and several movie roles, Songz is also currently on tour with Chris Brown on their Between the Sheets Tour. Thankfully he was able to make time for Gettysburg. Ladies bring your

towels, and gentlemen bring your ladies; this is sure to be one hot event!

*This article is not true, Happy April Fool’s Day!

S p r i n g f e s t 2 0 1 5 A r t i s t A n n o u n c e d *

Interested in writing forArts & Entertainment?

Email Raichl Davenport atdavera01 for more information!

On the evening of April 18th, 2015, Get Acquainted Day the campus will be having a free outdoor concert. This year’s artist will be the late, great Michael Jackson, in hologram form. After his appearance at the 2014 Billboard Music Awards, there was much excitement about the technology behind the performance. And now it is coming here for the Gettysburg community. The concert will be on Muss Beach this year, and

will begin at 6:30 pm. This will surely be a night to remember!

*This article is not true, Happy April Fool’s Day!

♦ Thursday, April 2, 2015FEATURES

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

FEATURESTHE

GETTYSBURGIAN

College housing shortage leads to additional trailers

By Jamie welch

staff writer

I t i s spr ing, and that means Get tysburg Col lege s tudents are par t ic ipat ing in a compe t i t i ve p rocess t h a t m a n y h a v e d u b b e d H u n g e r G a m e s : H o u s i n g Lottery Edit ion. With low-er and lower par t ic ipat ion in Greek Li fe every year and next year’s Fi rs t Year c lass predic ted to be big -ger than ever , the housing l o t t e r y h a s p r o v e n t o b e e s p e c i a l l y t e r r i b l e t h i s year .

C u r r e n t s o p h o m o r e s and jun io r s have a l ready se lected housing for next y e a r , b u t m a n y o f t h e m are not sa t is f ied . For ex -a m p l e , o n e s o p h o m o r e to ld the Get tysburgian, “I got s tuck with Paxton next yea r . PAXTON. Can you bel ieve i t?”

T h e s t u d e n t w a n t e d a n a p a r t m e n t i n A p p l e but found that a l l of them w e r e q u i c k l y f i l l e d u p b y s t u d e n t s w i t h h i g h e r l o t t e ry number s , l e av ing nothing lef t for h is group to se lect . “When I opened up the hous ing se l ec t ion sys tem and saw there was nothing lef t , we laughed, a n d t h e n w e c r i e d . W e most ly cr ied ,” the s tudent sa id .

C u r r e n t F i r s t Y e a r s a r e i n e v e n m o r e d i r e s t ra i t s , a s the number o f rooms lef t on campus con-t inues to dwindle and the s ize of the incoming Firs t Y e a r c l a s s c o n t i n u e s t o g r o w . W i t h t h e C l a s s o f 2019 p red ic ted to be the b i g g e s t F i r s t Y e a r c l a s s ever , more members of the C l a s s o f 2 0 1 9 t h a n e v e r wi l l have to be housed in Musselman.

With many rooms in M u s s e l m a n s p o k e n f o r b y n e x t y e a r ’ s f r e s h m a n c lass , and other rooms on campus a l l but sucked up

b y u p p e r c l a s s m e n , t h a t begs the ques t ion : where are the r is ing sophomores going to l ive?

“ I t ’ s a p r o b l e m , ” a member o f t he Of f i ce o f Resident ia l and Firs t Year Programs s ta f f sa id , “We don’ t know where to pu t all these people next year.” Wil l th is mean the re turn of the much loathed t ra i l -ers to house the overf low of s tudents? “I don’ t want t o s p e c u l a t e o n w h e t h e r o r no t r i s ing sophomores are l iv ing in t ra i lers next year . . .bu t they a re l iv ing in t ra i lers next year ,” she sa id .

Many members of the c u r r e n t F i r s t Y e a r c l a s s are concerned about where they are going to l ive next y e a r , a n d f o r t h o s e n o t l u c k y e n o u g h t o s c o r e a spot in the trai lers, options that are being ta lked about to house s tudents include t e n t s o n M e m o r i a l F i e l d and a premium laminated c a r d b o a r d b o x o f f e r i n g located on St ine Lake.

R F Y P w a s s h o w i n g o f f t he i r newes t hous ing o p t i o n s i n t h e C U B o n Monday, and Get tysburg -ian s taf f ta lked wi th sev -eral s tudents who had very nega t ive r eac t ions to the n e w s o p h o m o r e h o u s i n g opt ions . One s tudent com -mented, “I pay $60,000 a year for th is?”

Y e s , y e s y o u d o . “ I thought housing was guar -a n t e e d f o r f o u r y e a r s , ” a n o t h e r s a i d . “ S t u d e n t s were guaran teed on-cam -pus housing for four years w h e n t h e y c a m e t o G e t -t y s b u r g , ” a R F Y P s t a f f m e m b e r s a i d , “ h o w e v e r , we neve r s a id wha t k ind o f h o u s i n g w a s g u a r a n -teed.”

W h i l e i t i s t e c h n i -c a l l y t r u e t h a t t h e t y p e of housing was not speci -f ied a t mat r icu la t ion , the genera l consensus among

the r i s i ng sophomores i s that $60,000 a year should cover more than a tent or a c a r d b o a r d b o x w i t h a b lanket . “ I ’m appal led a t what these people consider housing now,” one s tudent commented, “I thought l iv-ing in St ine th is year was as bad as i t could get , but Res L i fe managed to top i t f o r nex t yea r w i th t he cardboard box.”

I n a n a t t e m p t t o i g -nore the problem ent i re ly , the Off ice o f Res iden t ia l a n d F i r s t Y e a r P r o g r a m s has decided to delay giving r i s i n g s o p h o m o r e s t h e i r lottery numbers for as long as poss ib le . The Class of 2018 was supposed to re -ceive their lottery numbers on Monday but they never came.

“We were hoping that i f we didn’ t send them an -other email about housing, t h e y w o u l d f o r g e t a b o u t i t and s top ca l l ing us ,” a s taf f member sa id . “What m o r e d o y o u w a n t ? W e d o n ’ t h a v e a n y h o u s i n g lef t .”

D e s p i t e R e s i d e n t i a l and Fi rs t Year Programs’ bes t e f fo r t s to ge t r i s ing sophomores t o fo rge t a l l a b o u t h o u s i n g , s t u d e n t s con t inued to ca l l t he o f -f ice Tuesday asking where their lottery numbers were, l e ad ing t o a ha s t i l y s en t e m a i l a n n o u n c i n g t h a t RFYP had moved the day t h a t t h e n u m b e r s w o u l d b e r e l e a s e d t o A p r i l 6 , f o l l o w e d s w i f t l y b y a n -o t h e r e m a i l t e l l i n g s t u -d e n t s t o “ d i s r e g a r d t h e emai l you were previously sent .”

W i l l t h e n u m b e r s b e r e l e a s e d o n A p r i l 6 ? Wil l r i s ing sophomores be fo r ced t o l i ve i n a ca rd -b o a r d b o x n e x t y e a r ? I t wi l l a l l be determined l ive on Apri l 14 as the Annual H o u s i n g L o t t e r y c o n t i n -ues!

By Julia rentsch

geco correspondent

1. N e a r l y t w o t h i r d s of the U.S.’s electricity is generated by burning coal or gas, so you should prob-ably buy a g ian t hamster whee l and gene ra t e you r electricity yourself.

2. Nuc l ea r ene rgy i s also an alternative to coal and gas , so what tha t re -ally means is that you can charge your phone by blow-ing stuff up. Try it!

3. G e t t i n g o u t d o o r s and connecting with nature on a h ike i s a g rea t way to exercise and appreciate the planet you live on, so you should probably look for the “hiking t ra i l” op -t ion the next time you are g o i n g t o M i a m i t o v i s i t Grandma.

4. A v o i d i n g e a t i n g meat is a real ly effect ive way to save multiple forms of energy , so you should probably make an Unbreak-a b l e V o w w i t h S e v e r u s S n a p e t h a t y o u w i l l e a t nothing but kale from now on.

5. Recycling is an im-portant method of keeping va luable , s low- to-decom -pose material out of land-fills, so the next time you notice someone throw their Bul le t Hole containers in the trash you should prob-ably start screaming bloody

murder, retrieve the offend-ing item from the trash, and then demand they wear it as a “hat of shame” for the rest of the day.

6. M a n y s p e c i e s o f an imals have become en -d a n g e r e d b e c a u s e o f d e -s t r u c t i v e h u m a n a c t i v i t y aiming to extract valuable raw mate r i a l s f rom a reas these an ima l s ca l l home , s o o f c o u r s e t h a t m e a n s y o u s h o u l d s t a r t t a k i n g steps to adopt a pangolin, orangutan, and/or elephant, t o b e k e p t i n y o u r d o r m room.

7. S i n c e e v e r y o n e knows that oil companies, such as BP, Shell, and Exx-on, have built their empires on selling dirty energy, you shou ld de f in i t e ly be l i eve them when they run ad cam-paigns dedicated to telling everyone how environmen-tally-friendly they are.

8. B i k i n g a n d w a l k -ing are known to be much greener ways to travel than by driving, so in order to assert your dominance over the idiot environmentalists what you should really do i s buy a t ruck , modi fy i t with equipment that forces extra fuel into the engine a n d c a u s e s i t t o r e l e a s e tons of thick, black smoke, and then proceed to call i t “rolling coal” and spew the s t u f f a t a n y b o d y d r i v i n g a smal l car , a .k .a . “ those

d a m n l i b e r a l s w h o w a n t clean air.”

9. Community involve-ment i s a lways impor tant when it comes to environ-menta l i sm, because mak -ing a communi ty “green” ce r t a in ly canno t be done by just one person. To en-courage togetherness, your g r o u p t h e m e s o n g m u s t be “Kumbaya” (no excep-t ions).

10. Climate change is known by scient is ts to be happening because of hu -man activity, so you should probably just let Fox News and Senator James Inhofe answer al l your quest ions a b o u t t h e i m p o r t a n c e o f environmentalism.

1 1 . M o s t c l o t h i n g i t e m s a r e m a d e w i t h u n -sus ta inable mater ia l s and strange chemicals , so you shou ld p robab ly j u s t no t wear any clothes and paint yourself green instead.

12. Slowly transform into a fern, where you can ass imi la te wi th the green surroundings and definitely avoid, at all costs, staying i n f o r m e d a b o u t e n v i r o n -mental news, putting your money where your mouth is wi th regard to the car -bon footprints of the things y o u b u y , a n d h e l p i n g t o reduce the amounts of mate-rial, water, and energy you might waste in your daily life.

Best ways to bring more “green” into your world

Photo Courtsey of Daniella Snyder

Jesse DeMartino ‘15

Students of GettysburgBy daniella snyder

Business manager

“I’m dropping out of college in my final month to pursue a career in competitive croquet.”

♦ Thursday, April 2, 2015OPINIONS

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

Note: The opinions published in this section are those of the individual writers and are in no way representative of the views of The Gettysburgian staff, The Gettysburgian or Gettysburg College.

w e a r i n g s h o r t s k i r t s a n d such low cut shirts.

How do t hey expec t me to control myself when I’m around them? And now there’s this thing with man-datory consent that is ab-solutely outrageous. Since when does “no” mean “no”? They’re always asking for it anyway.

W h a t p i s s e s m e o f f even more is that when a girl finally agrees that going out with me is her best option, she always expects me to pay for dinner. But I deserve to be treated for once. She and I have the same job, but she always thought that the extra income I receive as a man should be used to buy her dinner.

Guys like me are con-stant victims of man-hating Feminazis. For some reason, they keep on complaining about why I sit with my legs so far apart. Don’t women know that my testicles need to breathe just as much as I do? It’s like we can’t catch a break and women are always

flaunting their privilege in my face.

E v e n t h o u g h w e a r e c o n s t a n t l y s h u t d o w n i n public for our noble beliefs, I’m glad I have a community on Reddit who I can share these thoughts with. We talk about our horror stories with women and how feminism is completely dismantling the society we live in.

As it is, there so many more women in Congress than ever. Because there are only 431 men in Congress out of 535 seats, it’s almost l i k e I d o n ’ t e v e n h a v e a voice anymore. Now all of these women have power, and they are pushing men like me to the sidelines. To them, I just don’t matter.

As a men’s rights ac-tivist, I firmly believe that we a l l need t o s t and ou r ground aga ins t feminism. I t ’ s a h a t e f u l m e n t a l i t y . Women don’t want equal-i t y , t h e y a r e j u s t t r y i n g t o o p p r e s s u s . D o n ’ t l e t them bring you down. Stay strong, guys. #meninist

By stephany harrington

staff writer

La te ly eve ryone ha s b e e n t a l k i n g a b o u t g a y rights and black lives, but no one is talking about my problems as a straight white man. My needs are constant-ly being pushed aside for women, gays, and blacks. It’s like I don’t even matter anymore. I really think it’s unbelievable the way they treated guys l ike me over the last several years. And I’m a really nice guy.

Nice guys like me are always trying to show girls tha t they dese rve us , no t these rude guys who won’t treat them well. Every time I try to hang out with a girl, I get mercilessly friendzoned. And it’s incredibly unfair. I spend al l this t ime with these girls, and then at the end of the day, I can’t even sleep with them.

You’d think af ter a l l that us straight white guys have gone through, we de-serve i t ! They are always

wrong? Give him a break. He admitted to doing the drugs. Sure, he lied about it for years, but it can be forgotten. How about guys like Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds? Lets face i t . Bonds l ied and Sammy Sosa claiming that he couldn’t speak Engl ish in f ront of the Supreme Court was muy stupido. For A-rod, isn’t that what being honest is all about? Knowing when you’re wrong and making an admittance? Though he cheated and lied for about it a decade, all of that can be wiped clean by his forced admittance of wrong-doing.

Alex has had a long time to think about what he’s done. He has found the light and righted his wrongs by doing all he could to clean up the game. He implicated some of his col-leagues in baseball like Ryan Braun and Francisco Cervelli on drug use and leaked infor-mation to incriminate them. Some may call that being a rat and snitching, but he’s prob-ably just doing this to ensure the continued integrity of the game.

He may have made a monumental mistake, but he made a monumental effort to help the league. Yes, he may have been forced to cooperate this time, but I’m willing to bet that A-rod would’ve quickly given up information to screw his friends. Isn’t that what friendship is all about? Throw-ing people under the bus? To see A-rod acting in such a

selfless manner has to bring any real baseball fan to tears.

When A-rod signed with the Yankees it was a $275 mil-lion, 10-year deal. How does the old saying go? I believe it is, “A man is not measured by his character but rather by his bank account.” If I’m not mistaken, Abraham Lincoln was quoted saying this. If we were to measure A-rod based on this quote, he would out-weigh ninety-nine percent of all other players in the league.

Money is what makes a man a man. A-rod is more than a man. He is a man who has a portrait of himself hanging over his bed, which is pretty cool. It is rumored that the portrait is of himself as a cen-taur, but I don’t buy it. He is not that cool. Regardless of his bank account or his collection of self-portraits one has to re-member: did Alex ask for any of this? Probably not.

Alex Rodriguez is simply misunderstood. He embodies what Major League Baseball stands for and should be re-garded as nothing less than the game’s sweetheart. Though he has a dark past that is riddled with the use of illegal drugs, lying, deceit, and snaking his close friends, one must not forget all of the strides he has taken to reclaim his position at the top. He deserves the respect of his fellow athletes, the media and especially the fans. The real question now remains: when will they build his statue?

By Jesse J. demartino

staff writer Alex Rodriguez is set

to make his first MLB start in 211 games as he returns from a one-year suspension for us-ing performance-enhancing drugs. The New York Yan-kees will be squaring off in an old school opening day duel against their neighbors to the north, the Toronto Blue Jays. Yes, this is a big game but the story will not be focused on either team. It will be focused on A-rod.

The media, fellow ath-letes and a majority of fans are on the hate bandwagon for Alex Rodriguez and it has been highlighted over the past couple months. He does not deserve this! Though he is coming off a suspension, his unique attitude and his high level of integrity make him the most wholesome player the league. He should be the most loved player in the MLB, not the most hated.

The 1990’s to the early 2000’s is often regarded as the “Wild-West Era” of Ma-jor League Baseball. Anyone walking into a team’s locker room before a game was likely to see an athletic trainer in-jecting anabolic steroids into someone’s rear end. It would probably be more surprising if someone walked in and didn’t see that going on. Everyone was doing it! If there is a rule in place and everyone is break-ing it, is there really something

Red v. Blue: Red. ‘Nuff said.icon are blue. Seriously, what is up with all those blue logos? The only social media site with a red icon in Pinterest: the psycho, baking-obsessed friend of the social media clique. Ev-eryone knows the only people worth messaging are people with iMessage, with messages that show up blue. Nobody has red messages, and nobody would want them. Blue perme-ates twenty-first century life, as it should.

Blue is one of the colors of Ravenclaw, the Hogwarts House that displays intelli-gence. Red is the color of Sly-therin. What’s that? Red is the color of Gryffindor? No, shut up, it’s the color of Slytherin.

Moving on, there are many shades of blue that have gone on do to great things in their own way. Aquamarine is a stunning mermaid movie starring Jojo before she myste-riously disappeared, leaving no trace but her early 2000s teen-age angst music. Cerulean had its time in the spotlight when the fabulous Meryl Streep called out Anne Hathaway’s frumpy character for her lack of fashion knowledge in The

Devil Wears Prada. It’s a little known fact that One Direction only changed their name away from Turquoise Direction be-cause Louis is one of the few humans on Earth who looks bad in blue. Some may say it is because he is actually the devil, but this remains pure specula-tion. Shades of red have no such luck. All maroon has ever done is start the name of a me-diocre band whose front man is less of a musician and more of a Simon Cowell wannabe.

The eyes of beautiful celebrities like Chris Pine, Zooey Deschanel, and Matthew McConaughey all shine in the purest shades of blue. You know who has red eyes? Car-toon werewolves, zombies, and the devil, that’s who. Would you rather look into the eyes of a gorgeous, but still awkward and quirky celebrity or into the eyes of the actual devil (who may himself be a boyband ce-lebrity, if certain rumors are to be believed)?

Maybe it’s just because I don’t worship Satan, but I would pick the blue-eyed per-son every time.

By isaBel giBson-penrose

college democrats Blue is the warmest col-

or. I’ll have a blue Christmas without you. I’m blue, da ba dee, da ba die. No other color could inspire such wonderful movie titles and song lyrics; I would bet my blue suede shoes on it! Blue is calming, tranquil, and looks great on people of all skin tones. If there was a color wheel Olympics, blue would win gold.

And, of course, coming last in the competition of colors is red. I have a personal grudge toward this color because when I was in middle school my grandmother decided red was not my color–my Christmas dress collection was irrepara-bly changed. Though I might have been sad when I was elev-en, in reality my grandmother was doing me a favor. My life was better for lack of red.

Blue is the color of the sky and the ocean. Red is the color of blood and hot lava. The logos for almost every social media site, including Facebook, Tumblr, Twitter, and even the iPhone mail app

A letter to the editor from Mr. Seymore Harry-Butts

Alex Rodriguez embodies the true spirit of baseball

Red v. Blue: Blue is the bomb

You would think the Opinions Editor would know by now that his section prints in gray-scale. WELL, EDITING ISN’T EASY FOR ME, SO BACK OFF!

conviction. The future was bright and full of possibilities, like my stringy red mustache. Working in DC for a summer put a wrench in that youthful positiveness, but why? Why should we let the old, cranky men in Washington decide our future? We need to take the torch and tell them defiantly: we will not stand for your stagnation!

That is why when I came to college I studied the Middle East with a wonderful mentor. I learned Arabic and the histo-ry and culture of the Arabian peoples so that I could change all of our government’s poli-cies in the Middle East. I was accepted into an Eisenhower Inst i tute program to learn

more and travel to the region. I studied abroad in Morocco!

Bu t Ju l i an , you ask , wasn’t your mentor denied tenure, didn’t you quit that EI program, wasn’t your study abroad experience compli-cated and difficult, and isn’t your Arabic mediocre? Yes, yes, yes, and we call it “work-ing proficiency.”

Far be it from me to get caught up in the past. We must look to the future: a bright future! A future of positive change in this country. A fu-ture without racism, endemic poverty, or senseless killings. Together, we can make this country great again!

April fools...

By Julian weiss

opinions editor I ’ve got b ig dreams.

Some day I’m going to run my own Government Agency. It won’t be cynical like ev-erything else in Washington, DC, it will be progressive and have a positive impact on the world. I’ll use my liberal arts education from Gettysburg College to show everyone that passion and compassion have a place in our govern-ment! Enough with politics! Politics just leads to gridlock and holds up good ideas. We need change, and I will be that change.

When I was i n h igh school I had pass ion and

Big dreams to make change

Menimist hero Guy Fawkes is a a symbol for Mens Rights all across the internet. Brave men don the Guy Fawkes signature mask as an act of rebellion against the matriarchal system set to destroy their way of life. The fedora is just good style.

♦ Thursday, April 2, 2015SPORTS

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

confused an imal , and the mule was later retrieved by its owner. No further athletic endeavors were undertaken by Gerald Ford (the mule).

A f t e r a n i m p r e s s i v e defensive showing for the m a j o r i t y o f t h e g a m e o n Sa tu rday , The Mules had become extremely disheart-

By meredith tomBs

staff writer

This past Saturday af-ternoon, the Lady Bullets took on Muhlenberg’s la-crosse team on Clark Field. In a strange turn of events, the game had to be forfeited.

T h i s g a m e a c t u a l l y marked the centennial an-niversary of the changing of the Muhlenberg mascot from the Eagle to the Mule. Pre-cisely one hundred years ago on March 28, a mule wan-dered onto the Muhlenberg f i e ld f rom a nearby fa rm during the lacrosse team’s practice and started chasing p laye r s a round the f i e ld . In the midst of this terror, the mule kicked a lacrosse bal l around the f i f ty-yard line, narrowly missing the coaches who were standing on the sidelines.

I n c r e d i b l y , t h e b a l l r i coche ted o f f the s t ands and ended up rol l ing into one of the goals. The school decided to change its mas-co t , a s pe t i t i oned by the a s tounded l ac rosse t eam, hoping that this mule was symbolic of success in future sports seasons, as well as to the academic success of its students: after all, if a mule can succeed on the lacrosse field, surely a student can graduate from college!

Thankfully, no one was injured as a result of this

An unidentified person replaced Shannon Keeler in goal Centennial Anniversary of Muhlenberg’s mascot ends in a forfeit

Are you interested in writingfor the sports section?

We do not want you. Please do not contact the editor of the sports section. Go away.

This week in Gettysburg College spring sports:

By lauren perry

sports editor

The Get tysburg Col -lege women’s tennis team had a rough week this week. The Bullets faced a tough Muhlenberg team, with an outstanding record of 3-3, but they had some obstacles in their way.

Pink eye has been cir-cling the Gettysburg campus and the lady Bullets certainly felt the effects of that. Over half the team was wiped out on account of the nasty bac-teria. Parts of their A and B lineups were going to be kept out of the match for the safe ty of the Muhlenberg campus.

If Gettysburg was not already suffering, a painful and atrocious stomach bug tore its way through the team. According to an eyewitness it was like a scene out of a movie, with each member of the team being taken down one by one . The s t ruggle was real for facilities trying

Women’s tennis team fights a stomach bug on the courtOrange Hazmat suits become the uniform for the women’s tennis team against Muhlenberg

to clean up the tennis courts. With the ent i re team

down for the count, Coach Pfitzinger was forced into a difficult situation. He him-self had contracted pink eye and was keeping himself in a hazmat suit just for protec-tion against the stomach bug, but he still was not sure how he was going to have his team compete against Muhlenberg.

He had thought about jus t r ec ru i t ing some new people. The fall and winter sports were done competing so maybe one of those teams could take their place. Then, he suddenly had a genius idea! What if he just had his team all wear Hazmat suits and still compete?

Pleased with his idea he went out and purchased a set of orange Hazmat suits, which would be perfect for his team to compete in. The pink eye epidemic wouldn’t spread outwards to Muhlen-berg and if the girls were still afflicted with their stomach

bug, nothing could possibly escape the suit.

Coach Pfitzinger was not thinking about how lim-iting the suit would be for his players . The ladies of the tennis team could barely move their legs fast enough to shake hands with their op-ponents at center court, let alone swing their arms.

Watch ing th i s match was like watching a Tyranno-saurus rex play tennis. Their long arms were trapped in the rubber suit, so the range of motion was limited to just their wrists flicking the ten-nis rackets.

It was also embarrass-ing for Get tysburg as the rubber suits made holding onto the rackets a real chal-lenge. This resulted in some injuries for both sides. In one of the doubles matches, a Gettysburg girl took out her own teammate. This resulted in one of the losses for Get-tysburg.

One of our wins came

The women’s lacrosse team lines up on the field before their eventful game against Muhlenberg.

ened. Get tysburg’s goal ie was having an outstanding game, not allowing a single of the Mules’ 32 shots past her, and snagging three goals for herself! The rest of Lady Bullets were ecstatic with their goalie’s performance and were clearly enjoying having the lead in a game

for the first time this season. After the third goal by

the Bullet goalie, Muhlen-berg coaches brought their conce rns to the r e fe rees . T h e y w a n t e d h e r t e s t e d f o r p e r f o r m a n c e e n h a n c -ing drugs, which seemed a reasonable request after her final shot tore through the

netting of the goal, leaving it smoking at the split.

The referees intervened with 11:15 left in the game. It was then discovered that Gettysburg goalie was not the usual sophomore keeper Shannon Keeler! It was an unidentified individual who reportedly made the sponta-

Thursday, March 19: Softball vs the Yankees- 3:00 p.m. Softball vs servo employees- 3:00 p.m.Women’s lacrosse vs Gettysburg Area High School- 4:00 p.m.Baseball at Wrigley Field- 3:30 p.m.Men’s Lacrosse vs women’s tennis team

Friday, March 20:Baseball at Fenway Park- 3:30 p.m.Men’s tennis vs Roger Federer- 11:00 a.m.

Saturday, March 21:Men’s golf vs girls swimming- 10:30 a.m.M & W track vs Janet Morgan Riggs- 11:00 a.m.Men’s tennis vs Andre Agassi- 11:00 p.m.

Sunday, March 22: Baseball vs white sox- 1:00 p.m.Men’s tennis vs Rafael Nadal

**Men’s basketball made it to the March Madness Championship! Watch them play against Kentucky in the final game! **

Pictured is sophomore Mary Ciceo before she had to but on the orange Hazmat suit

Photo courtesy of David Sinclair,GCC&M

Photo courtesy of David Sinclair,GCC&M

neous decision to play in the middle of the tailgate prior to the game.

Kee le r was found in the stands among spectators shortly after this realization. She seemed dazed and con-fused, but was soon returned to a normal state. Use of the Confundus Charm is sus -pected, but nothing has been confirmed. DPS is currently working with the Gettysburg Police Department and the Ministry of Magic to confirm suspicions and put this case to rest.

However, the Saturday af ternoon game could not be continued due to this il-legality, and Gettysburg had to forfei t . The mysterious alumna could not be located, and there have been no leads. Teammates reported seeing nothing out of the ordinary prior to the game or during warmups.

Even though there have been no updates on the un-identified individual, there a r e n o i n d i c a t o r s o f a n y threat to students in the past or at present in regard to this individual. The Lady Bullets hope this unfortunate event wil l not deter fr iends and fans from attending the rest of their games.

Let’s hope no one tries to check into the authentic-ity of the Gettysburg men’s lacrosse team this season...

from a second accident. In one of the singles matches a lady Bullet was really trying to get some range of motion, but unfortunately as she was going to hit a power forehand the racket f lew off. There was silence on the court as t he spec t a to r s and t eams were watching this racket fly only to hit a Muhlenberg girl in the head.

The girl did eventually get back up, but it took long enough that she had to forfeit the match. Gettysburg’s only victory of the day may have come from a technicality, but it was a hard-hitting match that simply ended faster than the other matches.

Gettysburg will be back in act ion against York on T h u r s d a y . L u c k i l y t h e s e m a t c h e s a r e a t h o m e , s o the Bul le t s have no need for Hazmat sui ts . Fingers crossed Gettysburg is feeling better soon and best of luck to them.


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the gettysburgian april 2, 2015

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