Page 1 ♦ Thriday, April 1, 2016

Thriday April 1, 2016Volume CXVIII, No. 6

Insi

de

Th

is I

ssu

e Obama offers new “Good

‘nough” program,

pg. 6

Increased squirrel

aggression, pg. 3

Tour Guide to Parents: Greek Life “not that

prevalent”,pg. 2

FREE

Top Ten Secrets of Gettysburg

College,pg. 5

Whack-a-mole on the

lacrosse field, pg. 6

Gettysburg sports teams

renamed, pg. 6

This Week’s

Top Stories

D o n a l d T r u m p h a s r e p o r t e d l y d r o p p e d o u t o f t h e p r e s i d e n t i a l r a c e , l e a v i n g h u n d r e d s o f t h o u s a n d s o f b e l i e v -e r s i n “mak ing Amer -ica g rea t aga in” abso-lu te ly deves ta ted . His c a m p a i g n m a n a g e r h a s n o c o m m e n t a s o f n o w . M o s t r e c e n t l y , i t w a s r e p o r t e d t h a t h e w o u l d n o l o n g e r suppor t an a l te rna t ive c a n d i d a t e i f h e d i d n o t w i n t h e n o m i n a -t i o n . F o r m e r c a n d i -d a t e B e n C a r s o n l a -mented the news , say-i n g “ H e t r u l y w o u l d h a v e b e e n a l e a d e r . He was wha t Amer i ca n e e d e d . ”

National

R e c e n t s c i e n -t i f i c s t u d i e s h a v e s h o w n t h a t t h e w o r l d i s , i n f a c t , f l a t a s a p a n c a k e . T h e R e -s e a r c h I n s t i t u t e o f S c i e n t i f i c P u r s u i t s , o r ( R I S P ) f o r s h o r t , c o n d u c t e d a s t u d y i n w h i c h s c i e n t i s t s l o o k e d s t r a i g h t o u t o v e r t h e o c e a n t o -w a r d t h e h o r i z o n .

“ I t ’ s j u s t s o c l e a r l y f l a t , ” s a i d E m i l y S c r u m b e n -burge r , PhD. “ I don’ t k n o w h o w w e d i d i t b e f o r e . D o h ! ”

T h e s c i e n t i s t s a l s o w e n t t h r o u g h t h e t r o u b l e o f g e t -t ing up in a p lane and l o o k i n g d o w n , o n c e a g a i n r e v e a l i n g t h e e x t r e m e f l a t n e s s o f t h e e a r t h .

“We were so s tu -p i d . W e t h o u g h t w e c o u l d p l a y G o d . . . .w h a t h a v e w e d o n e . W h a t . H a v e . W e . D o n e . ”

International

This week’s “Top Stories” were compiled by Kayla Britt with information from CNN (www.cnn.com) and Project Syndicate (www.project-syndicate.org)

CNAV announces it will be shutting downAmid complaints about its functionality, CNAV announces it will be gone for good

By Jamie Welch

WeB manager

At a press conference held Wednesday morning in West Building, a depressed and down-trodden CNAV announced that it is shutting down as of April 1, 2016 until people recognize its value.

The Campus Navigation Portal (CNAV) serves as an in-formation gateway for members of the Gettysburg College com-munity.

Each member is provided services and features according to their current relationship to the college.

The system was built in the 90’s, and as a result some of the functions and the design seem

antiquated to many users who are used to the responsive web design standards of 2016.

CNAV rebukes the idea that these complaints are bugs, preferring instead to refer to them as features.

“For far too long people have complained about my retro design and quirky menu function-ality,” CNAV told reporters, “That ends today.”

CNAV went on to detail all of the things it helps to coordinate and manage every day, things that would be lost when it shuts down Thursday morning.

“If it weren’t for me, you wouldn’t be able to manage your housing, view your transcripts, email club aliases, get your favor-ite daily Digests, or CNAV stalk people.”

“Everyone always forgets I facilitate CNAV stalking. I don’t know why, my name appears in the first half of the word,” said CNAV in a rambling 14 page statement released to the Get-tysburgian following the press conference.

CNAV has faced mount-ing criticism from critics in re-cent months for taking excessive breaks from service.

“First it’s nowhere to be found from 3:32 a.m. to 4:48 a.m. for ‘maintenance’, then when it finally comes back online you better get your stalking in quickly because by 5:33 a.m. CNAV once again heads out of the office to who knows where,” Roger Doug-las ‘17 told reporters last week at the signing for his new National Enquirer exposé on CNAV.

“This continues throughout the day at random intervals. We don’t know where CNAV goes all day, but I can tell you it’s nowhere good,” Douglas added.

CNAV responded to these critics at multiple points through-out its statement, at one point commenting that “even computer systems need to take a nap some-times.”

CNAV also said, “can’t a website get a cup of coffee? Maybe all these haters are just projecting their own inadequacies onto me.”

Regardless of the reasons for the hate, CNAV concluded its press conference by saying that it has had enough with all of the drama and complaints, and it hopes that this shutdown will make people realize its value to

the campus community. “Until such time as I feel

valued and respected by the people of Gettysburg College, I will be on strike,” it said.

CNAV has declined mul-tiple interview requests from the Gettysburgian and has reportedly cleaned out its office ahead of the shutdown.

The strike has caused a stir around campus, with many Get-tysburgians shocked by the news. “I never thought it would actually disappear,” said one student. “Ob-viously CNAV can be annoying but how else will I find out when my crush gets out of class so I can run into him?”

Student drops cup at Servo, forced to transfer

By Julia Sippel

Staff Writer

On Sunday, March 20, a sophomore s tuden t was eating brunch in the dining center when his life changed forever: he dropped his cup.

P e r a d m i s s i o n s t a n -dards, he is now required to transfer schools, much to his dismay.

“I just wanted chicken and waffles,” said the vis-ibly distraught student, who w i s h es t o r ema in an o n y -mous at this time. “I never wanted this to happen. . . . ”

The student was clear-ing his silverware from his t r ay w h en t h e f a t a l d r o p occurred.

An eyewitness told The Gettysburgian: “I was wait-ing for my boyfriend to get some ice cream when I saw [name omitted] returning his tray. As he reached to put his silverware away, his arm hit his cup and it clattered to the floor.”

According to the reli-able source Yik Yak, this is the second such incident this semester.

As long- t ime Bul le ts

already know, these offens-es are taken quite seriously here at Gettysburg College.

A t t h e s o u n d o f t h e drop, surrounding students and staff were silenced and

turned in its direction. S i m u l t a n e o u s l y , t h e

Servo Secret Service (SSS

The anonymous sophomore student is considering transferring to Dickinson College[pronounced “Tr ip le-S”]) arrived on the scene.

Dressed in all black, the SSS took the unnamed student to the kitchen area.

One of these masked crusaders said of his expe-rience: “This happens from time to time. We just took the kid to the back of servo and scanned his ID. His in-formation then goes straight to the regis t rar and he is immediately unenrolled.”

When asked about his future plans, the student in question was uncertain. “I might go to Dickinson. I really like Aerosmith, so I might major in Geology.”

Despite the incident, he remains positive.

“I had never thought that I would be the student to d rop a Servo cup . I ’d always heard horror stories but I never took them seri-ously enough. I guess I’m mean t to be a Dick inson Red Devil and not a Get-tysburg Bullet.”

Whatever his path, we wish this student luck. To the remaining Gettysburg-ians, a word of wisdom: do not drop your cup in Servo!.

This past week, a sophomore Gettysburg student dropped his cup at Servo. He has been unenrolled from the college and plans to transfer to Dickinson.

At a press conference this week CNAV has announced its plans to shut down amid complaints about its maintenance times and features. The news has sparked controversy on campus.

Page 2 ♦ Thriday, April 1, 2016NEWS

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

NEWSTHE

GETTYSBURGIAN

Student Senate Bullet Points

• Senate hosted a discussion about how it can improve Student

Senate for next year, but was interrupted by a flash mob

• College Democrats was allotted $87,000

• China Culture Club was allotted $703

• National Society of Leadership and Success was allotted

$360,000

• Gettysburg Anti-Squirrel Collective was re-recognized

• Coffee Lovers Club was re-recognized

Students are no longer welcome to attend the weekly meetings of the Student Senate Mondays at 7 p.m. in CUB 260.

Senate UpdateMarch 28, 2016By Brooke gutSchick

Student Senate Secretary

Weird News of the WeekBy kayla Britt

neWS editorRhode Island or Iceland?

A Rhode Island tourism video is going viral after it included a short clip featuring someone skateboarding in Reykjavik, the capital of Iceland. The chief market-ing officer reportedly was “trying to fill a little gap of time.” The clip was part of a tourism campain to increase Rhode Island’s tourism industry.

Peepin“Megatoad,” the competitive eater, posted a video to

YouTube of him consuming 200 Peeps in under fifteen minutes, a crazy record even by his own standards- he cut his time in half. He has also accomplished eating a five-pound burrito, 182 slices of bacon and seven Shamrock Shakes from McDonald’s.

Report: easier to pass Organic than find a seat in Servo at lunchBy Jamie Welch WeB manager

According to new re-search publ ished Tuesday in the Journal of Appl ied Sta t is t ics , i t i s now easier to pass Organic Chemistry than to f ind a seat in Servo a t luncht ime.

“ O u r r e s e a r c h h a s f o u n d t h a t t h e m a r g i n a l benef i ts of one extra uni t of effort in Organic Chem-i s t ry have now exceeded the marginal benefi ts of an identical increase of effort in f inding a seat in Servo,” the repor t reads in par t .

“You would be much more l ikely to succeed in any task you choose tha t i s n o t f i n d i n g a s e a t i n Servo,” i t cont inued.

According to the re-p o r t , t h i n g s m o r e l i k e l y to happen than f ind ing a seat in Servo include being s t ruck by l igh tn ing , win-ning the PowerBal l , being bi t ten by a shark, and be-ing e lected Pres ident .

T h e r e p o r t o f f e r e d seve ra l t i p s t o max imize y o u r c h a n c e s o f f i n d i n g a seat .

I t s t a t e s t h a t y o u r chances of f inding a seat increase by 50% if you are wi l l ing to throw your t ray down at any empty space regardless of who’s s i t t ing there .

T h i s m e t h o d i s n o t

ideal and can lead to some a w k w a r d s i t u a t i o n s , s o s e v e r a l c l e v e r e n t r e p r e -neurs have repor tedly be-g u n c a p i t a l i z i n g o n t h e l imited supply of tables by c la iming tables la te in the b reak fas t hour s and then s e l l i n g t h e m t o h u n g r y s tudents as the busy lunch rush begins .

These so-called “table sca lpers” have repor tedly m a d e q u i t e a f o r t u n e b y se l l ing you the very tables you a l ready paid for .

M a n y s t u d e n t s t o l d repor ters that there is of-t en no a l t e rna t i ve t o t he table scalpers and they are forced to pay whatever ex-orbi tant pr ice they decide to se l l the table for .

“They asked me i f I wanted to argue about the pr ice , or get to eat before I s t a r v e d , ” o n e s t u d e n t commented. He added, “I was so hungry that I jus t s h e l l e d o u t t h e $ 1 5 s o I could shove some food into me before my next c lass .”

“We’ve got ‘em r ight w h e r e w e w a n t t h e m , ” a tab le sca lper commented , “ t h e y w i l l p a y a n y t h i n g to get to eat thei r food in a seat .”

O r g a n i c C h e m i s t r y s t u d e n t s c e l e b r a t e d t h e news by suddenly realizing t h a t O r g a n i c C h e m i s t r y did seem l ike a cakewalk

compared to the s t rugg le of f inding a seat in Servo.

“ I d i d n ’ t t h i n k t h a t Organ ic Chemis t ry cou ld be made t o s eem t r i v i a l , bu t t he s t r e s s and s t rug -g les of the sea t ing s i tua-t ion in Servo a t luncht ime has made s tereochemist ry seem as easy as ty ing my shoes ,” commented Franc-

A study in the Journal of Applied Statistics has statistical evidence to support the finding

A report in the Journal of Applied Statistics determined it is statistically more likely for a Gettysburg student to pass Organic Chemistry than to find a seat in Servo at lunchtime.

esca Flores ‘19.T h e r e p o r t a l s o i n -

d i c a t e d t h e s e c o n d l e a s t l ikely place to f ind a seat d u r i n g t h e l u n c h h o u r i s T h e J u n c t i o n a s p e o p l e give up on Servo in favor of the Bul le t Hole .

A f o l l o w - u p s t u d y wil l be done to determine w h e t h e r t h e r e s u l t s a l s o

app ly to ea t ing breakfas t and d inner a t Se rvo , and what t ime to go to optimize y o u r c h a n c e s o f f i n d i n g seats .

“Al though the s tudy i s n ’ t c o m p l e t e , i t l o o k s l i k e a r o u n d 1 : 1 3 p . m . i s ideal ,” sa id one of the re-sea rche r s o f f t he r eco rd . “The first wave of students

coming from their morning c lasses is a l ready s tar t ing to leave, and i t ’s r ight be-fore s tudents come in for LiteFare .”

One s tudent repor ted t h a t s h e a p p r e c i a t e s t h e s tudy f ind ings . “ I t rea l ly val idates my s t ruggle and makes me feel l ike others are in the same boat .”

Gettysburg College Word Search!

Word Bank Good grades Bullet Hole Breidenbaugh JMR A b e L i n c o l n The Gettysburgian Glatfelter Gettysburg The Commons Word Search Mr. Gettysburgian Please find me help please Weidensall

P a r e n t s a n d prospective students al ike c o n f i r m e d t o r e p o r t e r s Tuesday that they were “very impressed” with the tour of campus, offered by the Office of Admissions that started at 11:02am on March 29. Veteran tour guide Rob Schaeffer ‘16 was responsible for showing the guests around campus, and all who were on the tour agreed that his enthusiasm and dedication to the school really stood out. “ H e o n l y h a d t h e nicest things to say about Gettysburg College,” said prospective member of the Class of 2020 Vanessa Beaver. She added, “I ’m not sure I’ve ever seen someone quite so exci ted about anything before.” V a n e s s a ’ s m o t h e r Rhonda Beaver commented that she was most impressed with Schaeffer’s ability to recall random facts such as the year that Glatfelter Hall was constructed, the exact number of steps to the front entrance

of Pennsylvania Hall, and the extremely low percentage of students in Greek Life, which she assured reporters was not fabricated in any way. “ H e j u s t s e e m e d so trustworthy, I’m sure he wouldn’t give me misleading i n f o r m a t i o n , ” R h o n d a commented, “He had an honest face.” “Greek Life is not a big deal here,” Schaeffer reportedly told the tour group, “There are so many other things going on on campus every weekend for those who don’t want to party. I can’t even name them all.” Schaeffer, who is a member of Phi Delta Delta f raterni ty , shared that his Greek organizat ion rarely parties. “We’re really focused on the community service and philanthropy more than anything else. I know it says on Yik Yak that we have keggers every night of the week, but don’t believe the negative stereotypes,” he added. Commenting on the amazing variety of activities

available in town, Schaeffer said, “There is literally so much to do in the town. I’m pretty sure that there is less to do in Manhattan on a Saturday night than there is here on an average Tuesday.” O t h e r t o u r g r o u p members were impressed with Schaeffer’s club participation record. “He told us he was in, like, 60 clubs,” one student commented. “I’m sure he’s definitely not lying about his involvement on campus.” “I didn’t think it was possible to be involved in both Football and Cross Country while also tr iple majoring in Chemistry, English, and Phys ics , bu t th i s k id has managed to do it,” father of two Dennis Carper said, “he’s a real straight shooter.” A t p r e s s t i m e Schaeffer was fielding the fifth question about underage drinking on campus from a concerned parent. “It doesn’t happen,” Schaeffer replied matter of factly, with murmurs of satisfaction emanating from all parents present.

By Jamie Welch

WeB manager

Tour Guide ‘really excited’ about Gettysburg, assures parents Greek Life ‘not that prevalent’

Page 3 ♦ Thriday, April 1, 2016FEATURES

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

Springing into shape Does celery burn calories?

By ari SnaevarSSon

featureS editor

NEGATIVE CALORIES??

I t s e e m s t o m e m o r e people are used to hearing t h e s o u n d b i t e “ c h e w i n g celery burns calories” than t h a t o t h e r o n e t h a t g o e s “eating less and exercising more burns calories.” And so, I would like to dedicate this article to this one topic, which, for one reason or an-other, fires me up more than most issues in the field of nutrition (and that includes the rising rate of obesity and Type 2 diabetes).

T e m p t i n g a s i t i s t o give a simple answer to this seemingly simple question, I would prefer to tackle this from a different standpoint so that the takeaway can be crystal-clear. Let us begin by examining the nutritional profile of celery.

Celery’s nutritional profile

In one medium stalk of celery (roughly 40g), there is: 0g of fat, 1g of protein, and 3g o f ca rbohydra tes , bringing us to a whopping grand total of 16 calories. Granted, the carbohydrate make-up is roughly 2g of dietary fiber, and, because I do not feel like getting into the nuances, I will leave it

at 12 to 16 calories. So it is somewhere in that range. I know I just threw a lot out at once, but are we all on the same page? Good, let us proceed.

The math (bear with me here)

H o w m a n y c a l o r i e s would one burn in chewing said stalk? Well, I am going to make the bold assumption that it would not take more than 12 nice bites to finish it. Actually, after writing that sentence, I decided this issue is too important to leave to estimations, so I took it upon myself to buy a veggie cup from Bullet Hole and con-duct a test run. I was wrong. It took me 15 bites.

Lucky for us, the Mayo Clinic apparently conducted research telling us we expend approximately 11 calories in an hour of gum-chewing. As it stands (and yes, I had to chew a second stalk of celery to arrive at this number), it takes me around 20 seconds to chew the entire medium stalk. I chewed slow to give proponents of the “negative calorie” theory the benefit of the doubt. 11 calories in an hour comes to about 3.67 calories in 20 seconds.

S o I e x p e n d e d a b o u t 3.67 calories chewing 12 to 16 calories’ worth of celery. That comes to a difference

of 8.33 to 12.33 calories, and since there were more calories in the celery than were expended chewing it (this is an important point), I ended up consuming a net total of 8.33 to 12.33 calo-ries. There was a net gain of calories.

In closing…Let us review what we

have learned today. A me-dium stalk of celery pro-vides us with 12-16 calories. Chewing sa id s ta lk takes about 20 seconds. Accord-ing to research, that equates to about 3.67 calories. The difference between the two is a net gain of 8.33 to 12.33, meaning 8.33 to 12.33 calo-ries were consumed.

Celery is low in calo-ries, correct. But, all vari-ables considered, you will not burn more calories eat-ing i t than you consume. This is a hard concept to grasp, but the only way you will burn calories is through a caloric deficit, exercise, or a combination of the two. Happy April 1st, all!

By meredith cox

health &WellneSS columniSt

Spr ing i s t he pe r f ec t time to stay inside -- immo-bile and inactive.

Who wants to be outside in the fresh air, warm sun, and light breezes? Not me. I want to stay planted right in front of my television, s i t t ing on my couch with snacks all day long.

If you are with me and want to have the most pro-ductive spring season yet, keep reading.

Get at least ten hours of couch time every day. You paid a lot of money for your furniture, so use it! Sit, lie and relax on your couch. It is probably best that you do not get up all day.

Be sure to bring every-th ing you need wi th you for the day to the couch so you can experience as little movement as possible. Getting up and down from the couch may cause you to use your quad and

calf muscles, which could result in cramping. It may feel like a full-time job at first, but if you stay com-mitted, you can learn to love this sedentary lifestyle.

Make sure you eat every half hour. Even if you do not feel hungry, you need to eat. Your body does not know when you a re sa t i -ated. Do not listen to hunger cues.

Ins tead, avoid feel ing hungry a t a l l t imes . You can always feel full by con-s tan t ly snacking be tween meals, indulging in dessert after lunch and dinner, and enjoying a daily midnight snack.

No one likes to be hun-gry, so instead, make sure you are always stuffed to the brim!

W h e n y o u r p a n t s g e t too small, you will have a great excuse to start a new wardrobe.

Load up on trans fats. There is a reason that deep fr ied foods, creamy milk-shakes , and s to re bought

pastries taste so good. They are full of trans fats, which make you feel full and hap-py.

It is important to remain happy, so make sure to get t r a n s f a t s a t e v e r y m e a l . Avoid checking your cho-lesterol levels, as trans fats may increase the “bad” cho-lesterol your doctor is always talking about.

H e r e , i g n o r a n c e i s bliss.

This is the year you can have the best spring yet.

As you spend more time on the couch, watching tele-vision, continuously snack-ing, you will build an incred-ible relationship with your-self, completely ignoring the outside world.

P h y s i c a l a c t i v i t y h a s b e e n s h o w n t o c a u s e i n -jury, so it is best to avoid i t a t a l l cos t s . Re lax and recharge!

Photo courtesy of Diane Main

By daniella Snyder

Staff WriterAspires to someday

because a certified “animal whisperer” and practice animal therapy through the world of theater

“My proudest moment at Gettysburg College...one time I was in Servo for lunch with my friends, and I dropped my cup on two separate occasions. By the third time I dropped my cup, Sue the Servo lady threatened to kick me out of Servo if I didn’t stop goofing off.”

Students of Gettysburg

Jake “Man Bun” Ryave, Class of 2017, Psychology, and Pre-Vet

Interested in writing for Features?

E-mail Ari atsnaear01@gettysburg.edu

You could eat healthy, but you could also eat food that actually tastes good.

The aspiring “animal whisperer” in the flesh.

There is no shortage of better-tasting vegetables you could choose over this. Why do people do this to themselves?

By ari SnaevarSSon

featureS editor Due to the increased

aggression of the squirrels on Gettysburg College cam-pus, the administration has made an official announce-ment that a squirrelologists will be called in to remedy the situation.

D i s c u s s i o n h a s , o f c o u r s e , b e e n c i r c u l a t i n g among the student body over whether or not this would happen. We can all take a long sigh of relief.

“This is preposter-ous!” claims squirrel enthu-siast Annika Jensen ’18. “I know the school is hiding something f rom us , and I intend to get to the bottom of this,” she continues.

Similar sentiments can be heard a round campus , as this announcement was not universally appreciated. What wi l l these “squirre-lologists” (if we can even be sure this is a real title) be doing exactly? Time can only tell.

For the time being, we

know a series of experiments will begin to take place in the Science Center within the next few months.

Professors in the science depar tments could not be reached for interviews, add-ing further to the confusing nature of the matter.

Whatever the case, the squirrel aggression has got-ten out of hand. Reports of rabid squirrel attacks have fa r exceeded the l imi t o f two per semester, and so far nothing has been done.

Facul ty , s tudents , and parents alike may rest easy knowing some sort of effort is being taken to fix the is-sue.

An anonymous source has claimed to have insight on the matter, although the validity of these claims can-n o t b e c o n f i r m e d . A s i t s tands, the source reports to have heard rabid squirrel sc reams coming f rom the growth rooms in the Science Center.

Upon my own inde-pendent research on these

“ s q u i r r e l o l o g i s t s , ” a l l I could find was one tongue-in-cheek squirrel fan page, proving to be of absolutely no help.

This clearly raises con-cerns in the validity of what the school has told us, but some students have proposed conspiracy theor ies about what might actually be hap-pening.

Some say the recent in-c rease in tu i t i on cha rges may speak to the enormous amount of money required to conduct experiments aimed a t c r ea t i ng “ supe r - squ i r -rels.”

T h i s “ s u p e r - s q u i r r e l ” theory has been backed up by specu la t i on r ega rd ing whether the recent increase in aggression in the squirrel community has spiked be-cause of the administration, possibly pointing to the idea that these squirrels are the byproducts of such experi-ments.

Increased squirrel ag-gression on campus

Page 4 ♦ Thriday, April 1, 2016

invites you to an evening filled with

Healthy Eating & Holistic Healing

April 5

th at 5:00pm

The event begins at 3pm

in the Jaeger Center

and then make its w

ay to the Dining Hall.

Save the DateYou don’t want

to miss it!

There will be G

iveaways and

Fresh Organic Food from

our local CSA Everblossom Farm

s!

Vendors with Inform

ation about Acupuncture, M

editation, and More!

And check out the Bison Burger we’ll be serving!

AdvertisementsTHE

GETTYSBURGIAN

Page 5 ♦ Thriday, April 1, 2016OPINIONS

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

Note: The opinions published in this section are those of the individual writers and are in no way representative of the views of The Gettysburgian staff, The Gettysburgian or Gettysburg College.

them about the fumigation.” Obviously, this poor student did not realize it was April Fools’ Day. When she arrived at res life, they told her the whole story was a hoax. The two of us were shocked by the undue stress this student was put under, asking about how furious and disappointed she was about the “joke.” She responded by saying, “It re-ally didn’t bother me at all. I

thought it was pretty funny. So can you guys leave me alone now?” After this, she promptly hung up. Clearly, she is still traumatized by this event and wished not to speak about it.

As tireless reporters, the two of us were not satisfied by this singular interview. We took our efforts to the streets, asking current students about their experiences with the April Fools’ Day edition of the newspaper. While no one really cared about our cause, we managed to talk to two

very outgoing students on this issue. A student who wished to only go by Jack told us that, “The April Fools’ Day edition has ruined my entire college career...I failed a class last year because of it.” Another student who wished to only go by Alex could not even ex-press in words how adversely the April Fools’ Day edition has affected him. He simply broke down in tears. We were

shocked by these t e s t i -monies, but we must also mention that t h e s e t w o students we m e t o n t h e s t r e e t we re qui te hand-some.

Is it really worth ruin-ing lives for a few chuckles? These reporters think not. The April Fools’ Day edition of The Gettysburgian has done enough harm to the students of this campus. In protest of the April Fools’ Day edition we decided to expose the truth, to break the trend of “joke” articles, and write a serious art icle in order to keep this campus respectable. We truly hope that our efforts go unnoticed.

By Jack genteS and alex grun

profeSSional reporterS It is a longstanding

tradition here at The Gettys-burgian to produce an “April Fools’ Day” edition of the newspaper around April 1st. Every year, people get a good chuckle out of the silly fake news reports or stories about odd things going on around the school. While these s to r ies a re made in jest, peo-ple do not often re-alize the chaos they can cause. As one of The Gettysburg-ian’s newest crack team of reporters, the two of us took it upon ourselves to expose the fallout caused every year by this “harmless” tradition.

We first spoke with an alumni of Gettysburg over the phone, who wished to stay anonymous. During her junior year at the Burg, she read in the April Fools edition of the newspaper that her dorm was going to be closed for a week to fumigate it, as there was an infestation of deadly centi-pedes in the building. Due to this false claim, the student said she had to “...walk all the way over to res life to ask

cation. You were accepted by mistake and everyone is just too embarrassed to tell you.

4. If you rearrange all of the letters of the college’s Greek o rgan iza t ions in a certain order, they spell out “JMR IS KOOL LOL” and then make a thumbs-up sym-bol with the remaining letters. This message is also visible from outer space.

5 . Every Fr iday a t 2 a.m., Jeff hands out free hot-dogs in Constitution Parking Lot. The administration has been working especially hard to keep this one under wraps, but the secret is out and Jeff will have to answer for his crimes.

6. Servo cookies were discontinued eons ago and everyone has just been eat-ing the last few leftovers ever since.

7 . The major “Math-emat ica l Economics” was given the abbreviation “ME” because the college admin-istrat ion bel ieves that the students of this major are by far the most selfish.

8. “The Attic” was given

its name because it is the lit-eral attic of Doris and Hubert Parson, an e lder ly couple who live in West Building and often get slightly rattled when the “rowdy kids” of Gettysburg College disturb their peace every weekend. Seriously, Doris just wants to finish one more Nora Roberts novel. Please. Just once. For Doris.

9 . [ I N F O R M A T I O N REDACTED]

10. The college’s cur-rent Alma Mater song, written in 1922, was originally set to the beat of Eminem’s 2002 hit song “Lose Yourself.” After the famous rapper threatened the college with a lawsuit, the tune was changed to its current beat, which is a bla-tant copy of the song “Candy Shop” by 50 Cent. The col-lege’s official stance on the similarities between the Alma Mater and the 50 Cent song is that it is “just an homage, bro. Artists get inspiration from each other all the time and this is like a throwback kind of thing. No disrespect. Also, fair use, man.”

By Brendan raleigh

conSpirator-in-chief1 . M o s t p e o p l e a s -

sume Get tysburg Col lege was named after its current president and founder, Janet Morgan Riggettysburg. But would it shock you to find out that Gettysburg College is actually named after the town of Gettysburg, the place where the college is currently placed?

2. In the same vein, the college’s role in the Battle of Gettysburg has been severely downplayed. In 1863, the col-lege participated directly in the battle and it singlehand-edly killed thirteen soldiers – nine confederates and four Union soldiers – so as to avoid being “on the wrong side of history.” The college almost never talks about i ts dark past nowadays, but, on rare occasions, it has been known to regale passers-by with its complex, contradictory and utterly violent history with the Civil War.

3 . The col lege never actually looked at your appli-

Ten Secrets Gettysburg Doesn’t Want You Knowing

The many, real problems with the Gettysburgian’s April Fools Day issue

BONUS FACT: Gettysburg’s famous sunsets are actually a result of years of releasing chemincals into the air. So far the chemincals have created prettier sunsets in the sky and a strong desire to print pictures of sunsets in black and white in the Gettysburgian staff

President Obama plans to institute new “Good ‘Nough” Program

tenth of one percent! Free education!” Hilary Clinton claimed immediate support for the program: “America needs a smile on every face, and me in the Oval Office. [fake laughter]”

Donald Trump had this to say: “Good ‘Nough! When has Amer ica ever se t t l ed for Good ‘Nough? Good ‘Nough! We don’t settle for Good ‘Nough. I’ll tell you about Good ‘Nough! It’s bad. When I see a bad program I say: ‘It’s bad.’ So, I’m gonna say it. It’s bad.” Trump con-tinued to repeat himself until his fans’ cheering drowned out his hysterical Dick-and-Jane style monologue.

Republican-establish-ment leaders are reeling at Barack Obama’s program. C o n g r e s s m e n a r e f o r c e d to choose between Barack Obama’s agenda and Donald T r u m p ’ s “ M a k e A m e r i c a Great Again” dogma. Senate Majority Leader Mitch Mc-Connell had these regrets: “I feel like a turtle on its back. I can’t decide who I support less.” McConnell later acqui-esced, “As you can imagine, I usually feel like turtle, just not on my back.”

Ted Cruz, a major mem-ber of the opposition, had this to say: “American’s should not be forced to smile. Grow-ing up , my parents never smiled, so I can’t even do it right.” He then attempted to curve the ends of his mouth upward to the horror of the reporters present.

Chris Christie said to reporters Tuesday: “Donald doesn’t let me smile now.” Ben Carson later confirmed

this sentiment with a nod. Apparen t ly , h i s speak ing privileges had been revoked.

Pres iden t Obama re -quested that presidential can-didate Vermin Supreme join the Good ‘Nough program. Supreme’s interest in a sea of shining smiles resonated with the president’s plan.

Here is a brief look at Vermin Supreme’s vision, “Gingivitis has been eroding the gum line of this great na-tion long enough, and it must be stopped. For too long this country has been suffering a great moral and oral decay — in spirit and incisors. A country’s future depends on its ability to bite back. We can no longer be a nation inden-tured. Our very salivation is at stake. Together we must brace ourselves as we cross over to the bridgework into the 23rd century. Let us bite the bullet and together make America a sea of shining smiles, from sea to shiny sea.”

Vermin’s first order of business is to open the Statue of Liberty’s mouth and insert a large gleaming set of copper teeth. “And mark my words America, these teeth will not be left to gather oxidation. The Statue of Liberty’s smile will gleam for the same reason America’s teeth will gleam: twice daily brushing!”

With support from estab-lishment Democrats and Re-publicans, there is little ques-tion that this program will fail to pass the House and Senate. Nevertheless, if signed into law by the President, Americans will discover that America is good ‘nough.

By JoSh Wagner

political expert Repeated claims that

America is no longer great led President Obama to put forth a new legislative agenda for the remainder of his term. Fearful that Americans would question his legacy, his ambi-tious agenda will focus on branding America’s current state of affairs. The president was quoted saying, “Folks, I don’t really understand what the problem is. Unemploy-ment’s down, healthcare’s up, and we’re doing better than before. That’s why the coun-try needs the Good ‘Nough Program”

Most of the proposed legislat ion focuses on tax credits. Smiling, laughing, and gesturing with an osten-sibly vertical thumb would nominally reduce one’s taxes under this proposed program. Saying: “America’s pretty great” waives one’s fee to the Smithsonian Museum of American History. The NSA has guaranteed that doing any of these actions in front of a laptop or cell-phone will be registered within three busi-ness days. Despite resistance from Apple, even iPhones will be functional for the Good ‘Nough program.

G o o d ‘ N o u g h a l s o promises loan forgiveness for optimistic college students. These measures have reined in the support of young voters back to the Democratic estab-lishment. Bernie Sanders was recently found in an empty auditorium muttering to him-self: “I had a bird! Symbol-ism! Our only hope! Top

How to successfully cope with end of semester stress

looking at the sheet, this is called being “efficient”.

Once it is stuck in your brain, go get something to eat at Servo. Talking to friends and eating a good meal will help you realize how much you are procrastinating. Head back to your room and get ready to get the work done. In order to feel good about yourself you should probably get your laundry done so you can have a nice clean start to the day. While you’re sitting around during the time inter-vals of the washer and dryer, you should know that is not enough time to sit down and do work. While you wait you should probably watch some TV, text some friends, or if it’s a nice day out just sit outside and work on your tan. When the laundry comes out you should definitely fold it, which will take 15-20 minutes depending on the amount of laundry you have.

Now, obviously you’re

pretty tired from all that fold-ing so now its time for you to take a nap. Make sure it’s at least an hour long but you can always go longer than that. After your nap its time for Servo again and you need to eat some dinner. In order to continue this stress free day you should head on back after dinner and take a nice warm shower so you can feel ready to hit the books. Now you’re probably thinking to yourself that you have a lot more work than you realized, but since your day has already been so productive, you can put it off until tomorrow. Keep in mind that finals are about a month away, but don’t keep it in mind too much. Worry-ing gives you wrinkles and between all your laundry and Netflix you definitely don’t have time to apply anti-wrin-kle cream. Congratulations, you have off ic ial ly coped with stress!

By dean delucia

not a doctorAs the year is coming to

an end, we are all crammed with work, tests and trying to spend the most time with our friends before we head home. With all of these responsi-bilities you must be feeling qui te s t ressed . But don’ t worry, there is no reason to be stressed anymore!

The first step is to make sure you write down every-thing you have to do for that day, or week. Once you have mapped out the amount of hours it will take you for each activity, you must then pri-oritize. Make sure you under-stand the importance of each thing cause if not that could really mess up your schedule. After it is all written out you should stare at the paper for a good 30 minutes so you have the schedule memorized. If you have it memorized then you don’t need to waste time

#7 WILL SHOCK YOU! Like literally, it will shock you, like, when you rub a balloon on your head

Watch ten episodes of your favorite show on Netflix - that defines productivity, and productivity helps get rid of stress! (Photo Courtesy of Vic’s Movie Den)

“While these stories are made in jest, people do

not often realize the chaos they can cause.”

Source: Stolen from a student’s Instagram

Page 6 ♦ Thriday, April 1, 2016SPORTS

THEGETTYSBURGIAN

is not needed and that the proposed nickname is “ridicu-lous.”

Senior sports fan and former sports editor Lauren Perry said, “I don’t understand why they are making this change. It’s literally the most pointless thing I have ever heard. No one has complained and who wants to be a fan of the Spitballs!”

Environmental Studies professor Sarah Principato added that the new nickname promotes the blatant waste of paper. Professor Principato said, “I think it’s really nice that they are going with a less

By Bethany holtz

SportS editor

In a nod to political cor-rectness, the Gettysburg Col-lege Athletic Department an-nounced this week it is holster-ing “Bullets” as the nickname for its sports teams.

Beginning with the 2016 fall semester Gettysburg Col-lege’s twenty-four varsi ty sports teams will be called “Spitballs.”

“The nickname commit-tee shot down several non-gun violence options such as Paintballs, Rubber Bullets, and Blanks before sticking on Spit Balls,” said a member of the nickname selection committee.

The college administra-tion, always ahead of potential controversy, issued a prepared statement: “Our goal with the sports nickname change is to disarm critics of Gettysburg College before we are criti-cized.”

In recent years several colleges have abandoned of-fensive or controversial nick-names, logos and mascots, such as Dartmouth College’s Keggy the Keg mascot, and Elon University in North Caro-lina formerly known as the Fighting Christians.

Not everyone is thrilled with the nickname change. Pitchers for the men’s base-ball team expressed concern, pointing out that a spitball is an illegal pitch.

Several students have also joined the debate, argu-ing that this nickname change

Athletic Department unveils Gburg SpitballsGettysburg College prepares to discharge Bullets as sports teams nickname

Whack-a-mole on the men’s lacrosse fieldGettysburg defeats Haverford College despite unusual mid-game alien mole invasion

violent nickname but the name Spitball encourages the waste of paper. How many fans will now make spitballs at games? It would be much better if we promoted the recycling of paper.”

The nickname change has also drawn national at-tention. The National Rifle Association took aim at the college’s decision to drop “Bullets” as team nickname by firing off the following statement: “This is an affront to Second Amendment rights by a bunch of liberal arts lib-erals. It is an unconscionable act by an institution situated

on historic hallowed ground where so many bullets helped to spill rivers of blood.”

Not everyone is against the nickname change, though. Sophomore Daniella Synder, who is known to shoot spit-balls throughout the library, said, “I think this is great man! Now, maybe I won’t get in trouble for shooting spitballs all over the library. I’ll just say I’m showing my school spirit. Heck, maybe I can get away with this in class now!”

Regardless of campus controversy, the college is moving forward with its nick-name change.

In a related move the college announced the Bul-let Hole will adopt the name Spitball Wad.

When told of the new name for the popular campus eatery senior sorority sister Amelia Graham remarked, “Eewww. Who wants to eat at a place called Spit? That’s just gross.”

Senior health-science major Carolyn Marcello added a health perspective to the dis-cussion. Marcello said, “Food and spit shouldn’t really go to-gether. Spitballs will definitely contain people’s germs. Think about flue season! Who wants to be at a sports game when some crazy, flue-infected fan shoots a dripping spitball right your way?”

The CUB Bookstore is also trying to get in on the is-sue, seeing a profit opportunity in the nickname change. Store management has ordered a case of blue straws along with reams of orange paper to bol-ster souvenir sales during Get Acquainted Weekend.

It appears that this is-sue will be remain a topic of contention on campus for some time.

The Gettysburgian ad-vises al l s tudents to duck incoming spitballs from ex-cited fans showing their school spirit for this new nickname.

Be sure to go out and show your Bullet pride for the remainder of the year before the nickname change takes effect!

Athlete of the Week

By JacoB verner

Staff Writer This week’s Ath-

lete of the Week honor goes to senior tennis s t a r , W e s l e y C r a f t . Craft, team captain and key member of the Get-tysburg College men’s t enn is t eam, was re -cently invited to take his talents to the ATP World Tour of Tennis. Unfortunately for the Bullets, Craft will have to drop out of school and move down to Florida to train for the professional tour.

Craft will be work-ing with Andre Agas-si, one of the all time American tennis greats. Having recently clocked his serve at 160 miles per hour and dethron-ing the great American tennis player Andy Rod-dick for the world’s fast-est serve, Craft looks to ace his way to the top of the game.

Craft’s serve and his style of play make h i m w e l l - s u i t e d t o compete on the grass courts at the Wimbledon Championsh ip . Craf t is specifically looking forward to us ing h is fastball serve to beat Novak Djokovic, Ser-bian and number one ranked p layer in the wor ld , when the two meet up at Wimbledon this summer in London.

Craft poses a level of confidence that will help him when he faces the likes of Spain’s Ra-fael Nadal (ranked num-ber five in the world), England’s Andy Murray ( ranked number two) and Switzerland’s Roger Federer (ranked number three).

Craft’s presence on the Gettysburg men’s team will certainly be missed but we in the Gettysburg community will be pulling for him this summer during his international competi-tions.

Bullet Shot:Athlete of

theWeek

Senior Wesley Craft, photo courtesy of David Sinclair.

Friday, April 1:Women’s Lacrosse vs. U.S. Women’s National Team- 1:30 p.m.Men’s Baseball vs New York Yankees- 10:00 p.m.

Saturday, April 2:Men’s Golf vs. Tiger Woods at Puerto Rico Open- 5:30 a.m.Women’s Tennis at Wimbledon- 12:00 p.m.Men’s and Women’s Track and Field vs. U.S. Olympic Team- 1:00 p.m.Softball vs. Houston Scrap Yard Dawgs- 3:00 p.m.Baesball vs. Baltimore Orioles- 8:00 p.m.Men’s Lacrosse vs. Denver Outlaws- 8:00 p.m.

Sunday, April 3:Men’s Lacrosse vs. Rochester Rattlers- 6:00 a.m.Softball vs. Chicago Bandits-1:00 p.m.Men’s Tennis Round Robbin Tournaments vs. Rafael Nadal, Andy Murray, and Roger Federer- 3:00 p.m.

This week in Gettysburg College spring sports: Don’t miss this week’s special sports clinic! The Chemistry of Getting Ahead

ficials stood dumbfounded while the announcer gave a play-by-play of the ensuing action.

“There were balls and shafts flying everywhere for a few minutes,” said a spectator. “It was really the most exciting display of athleticism Haver-ford College has displayed this whole season.”

The rodents seemed un-concerned by the sticks and balls attacking them. After their deliberate journey from one end of the field to the other, the moles stopped pop-ping up through the turf and simply disappeared from sight.

The aircraft exited the scene in a hurry from the op-posite end zone. It is assumed that the potentially mutated moles were on board during the departure. No DNA has been reportedly discovered in connection with the invading rodents.

The lacrosse competition was quickly moved to the grass field on the opposite end of the athletic complex, where the game was resumed.

T h e B u l l e t s s e e m e d slightly fazed by the strange turn of events, and Harver-ford was able to put up a bit s t ronger of a showing for the remainder of the game. Gettysburg came out on top,

By meredith tomBS Staff Writer

The Gettysburg Bullets defeated Haverford College in a decisive 12-4 victory this past Saturday, boosting their overall record to 5-2.

The Bullets took a strong 6-0 lead over the Fords, with first-year Blake Gray and se-nior Mike Distler emerging as leading offensive contributors.

Just as Gray snagged his fifth goal of the game, putting Gettysburg up 10-1 in the third quarter, there was a distur-bance to the game.

A small aircraft , sti l l unidentified by NASA, landed in the end zone of the turf field at a rapid speed, immediately burying itself. Seconds later, scores of what appeared to be moles began popping up at various intervals through the turf field, making an obvious journey toward the opposite end zone.

Players on both sides began whacking the moles with their lacrosse sticks, not knowing what other course of action to take. Teammates from both benches contributed to the showdown by emptying the practice bags and pegging lacrosse balls at the invading creatures, as a way to scare them off.

It was pure chaos. Of-

however, knocking the Fords down to .500 with an eventual victory.

Haverford Campus Safe-ty Patrol is currently working with the Haverford Borough Police and NASA to address the situation and take further action. The Maintenance De-partment of Haverford Col-lege has since confirmed the integrity of Walton Athletic Stadium, deeming it safe for athletic competitions.

The turf structure was originally thought to be com-promised by the invasion of the rodents this past Saturday. However, it was returned to i ts original state upon the departure of the unidentified

flying object at approximately 2:44pm, as confirmed by the Safety Patrol and local police.

Division III athletic of-ficials nationwide have been alerted of the strange events. Players, coaches, and officials will be briefed prior to all Di-vision III sports being played on the East Coast for the re-mainder of the 2016 season.

Recommended act ion pamphlets will be provided for all spectators at athletic competitions. Athletes and coaches will also be required to undergo specialty train-ing sessions provided by the Athletic Branch of the United States Federal Bureau of In-vestigation.

W h i l e a n o t h e r v i s i t seems unlikely, there is no way to definitively determine the dissuasion of alien objects and creatures from invading the game at Shirk Stadium on Sat-urday, April 2, where Gettys-burg will take on Muhlenberg College at 3:00pm. The Mules hold a 3-6 overall record for their 2016 season.

Fans, friends, and family are all invited to cheer on the Bullets this upcoming Satur-day. Additionally, spectators are encouraged to bring their own mallet-esque objects in the event of another mole inva-sion - it seems the team could use as much help as possible in such a situation.

Photo courtesy of David Sinclair,GCC&M

Photo courtesy of GCC&M

A preview of the new Gettysburg College logo featuring the new school nickname, Spitballs.

Senior Geoff Davis flings alien moles during Saturday’s chaotic mid-game invasion.

Presented by guest lecturersBarry Bonds and Maria Sharapova

Saturday, April 2 1:00 p.m.Bream Gymnasium