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How Not to be a Pompous Ass of a Vegetarian (or Vegan)

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How to Be Everyone's Favorite Vegetarian (or Vegan)

I've been vegetarian for over 13 years and during that time I've heard over andover again, "you're my favorite vegetarian." It's not because I'm particularly awesome, charming, or handsome (although my would tell you that I am handsome). It's because I'm not a dick to my meat eating friends.

Making the decision to live a cruelty-free (or less cruel) life is a wonderful way to spare the animals on the planet a one way trip into your belly. You feel better about your place in the world and I'm sure there would be some health benefits if I could keep from shoving french fries into my gullet every chance I get. Being vegetarian doesn't define who I am, but it is something that's very important to me. I'm passionate about the plight of animals and I"m sure my fellow vegetarians (and vegans) feel the same way. But that doesn't give us license to be jerks to our friends and families and expect them to continue to be cool withour demanding diet.

Real-talk time my fellow herbivores: You and I, we made a decision. We decided in a culture that slaughters and beer-batters carcass and serve them up with a side of mashed potatoes and corn that we would skip the main course and go right f

or the sides. But remember it's our decision. And it's time we took responsibility for that decision and stop playing the victim every time we go out to eat.

If you're noticing that you're getting fewer and fewer invitations to eat out itmight be because you're a pain to accommodate. Don't be the person that rolls their eyes or sighs heavily when a burger joint is suggested. I've actually seenother vegetarians throw temper tantrum and declare, "Well there's nothing for meto eat there. I'm not going to go." Now you're a two-year old that's guilted his or her friends into going to a one of the two places you deem worthy of your very special stomach. No one likes hanging out with two-year old that pouts because they didn't get their way.

Instead of turning into captain whiny pants, go to the restaurant with your frie

nds without raising a fuss. Nearly every restaurant has something you can eat. While restaurants have insisted that salads now require meat, you can usually order one sans dead chicken. Even a few sides can be thrown together to make a meal. Or just order a drink and enjoy your friends company.

While you're at the restaurant do not pummel the waitstaff with 20 questions about each item on the menu. Sure the fancy restaurants will have trained the staffto tell you where the beets were grown in your salad, but at this point in yourvegetarian/vegan lifestyle you should know what's safe to eat. For example, never order soup, Ceasar Salad, refried beans, anything with Jello, or items you don't recognize. Know what you can and can't eat while wandering out in the wild.It'll make your fellow diners happy too because they won't have to watch a hapless server run back and forth to the kitchen asking if there is chicken stock in

the soup. There is always chicken stock in the soup. ALWAYS. Accept it and ordera baked potato and a salad.

Or better yet, if you know you're going out, eat beforehand. I'll have a small meal before heading out with friends if I'm not sure where we are heading. That way if they pick Bob's Big Steak House of Murder and Sadness, I won't be sittingat the end of the table with a growing stomach. If you end up somewhere with a lower ratio of death, you can order a nice small meal or splurge on an awesome dessert.

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That's right, you get to eat dessert while they're eating dinner. Seeing being acool vegetarian or vegan is awesome.

In fact, eating before going out is especially important when invited to dinneror a barbecue. Do not expect someone to make you a special meal. It's wonderfulwhen it happens. Sometimes what's made for you is better than the main dish because it's been cooked in a small batch. But making someone create an entirely second meal just for you is something the dictators of small nations and spoiled children do.

Barbecues can be especially tricky. If you want to grill something, you're better off bringing your own tiny grill or wrapping your food in foil. Do not expectthe grill to be cleaned for you. Plus, you're Boca burger is going to touch those other burgers or be flipped with those greasy tongs. Save yourself the hassle.In fact, I've started bring my own sandwiches. Usually tofu Banh Mi sandwichesfrom Little Vietnam Cafe in the Richmond. Of course that doesn't always stop someone from trying to shove meat in your mouth.

Politely pass when offered the over-cooked flesh offered you and inquire about the salad or inform you the host that you've already eaten. This usually leads tothe always awkward questions about being a vegetarian while being surrounded bya photo spread for Dead Animal Monthly.

Stop and count to 10 in your head. This can be tough. For the most part, I've ha

d very good luck talking to meat eaters about my decision to become vegetarian without them being aggressive. Of those that have been aggressive, the underlyingissue usually has to do with the person feeling like I've judged them as a badperson for eating meat. You can diffuse the situation by talking calmly about your life and your decision without being graphic. Telling the assembled guests about how cows are killed in slaughterhouses is great if you want to have the mostawkward dinner ever.

I tell people that I've drawn a line on what I will eat and inform them they have also drawn a line for their diet. Maybe that line ends with cute animals. Somepeople won't eat deer or rabbits. It's hard to eat something that's been a character in a Disney film. Maybe that line ends with people. That usually gets a few chuckles and we all go back to talking about how much we hate Los Angeles. Eve

ryone loves a good cannibalism joke at the dinner table.

Once the lines of communication are open, people are more likely to understand where you stand on this whole not eating animals thing. These are the conversations that make a difference. These talks are much better than the ones where you're using the words holocaust to describe chicken processing plants or screaming about how a pastrami sandwich is destroying the planet. Attacking people makes you a jerk plain and simple. Don't be a jerk. Instead share information.

Finally, don't be complete push over. Many of my meat-eating friends have been surprised at how good the food is at vegetarian restaurants. Remind your friendsthat you went with them to that steak house that let you pick which cow would end up on your plate and that it's only fair that you try out the new vegetarian p

lace that only serves legumes. Being vegetarian is part of your life let them understand that without eye rolling, fake gagging at the sight of meat, and protest soundbites.

Maybe you can turn them all vegetarian (unlikely). But until then, enjoy those dinner rolls and watch out for bacon. They want to put that shit in everything now.