the 2009 cana-dixie union - scars.tvscars.tv/pdf/2009/the2009cana-dixie-union.pdf · maybe you...

the 2009 Cana-Dixie

UnionJanet Kuypers poems

read by Janet Kuypers,C Ra McGuirt

and John YotkoNashville, 05/09/09

a cc&d chapbook

table ofcontents

. children, churches and daddies chapbook .

. 2 .

A While ..........................................Better..............................................Bry to be Held................................Do That For Me Then....................Good Things Have Happened to

Me Too ....................................a Great American............................Hasn’t Happened Yet ......................Learn To Do That Too....................this Halloween................................Want That Too You Know..............When You’ve Only Got You ..........Everything is New ..........................a Beacon Alone ..............................Two Not Mute Haikus ..................A Common Acquaintance ..............And I Don’t Care ............................Bad and Good ................................But It Is Cute..................................Cocktail Hour ................................Do I Still ........................................Everyone Else Does It ....................Evil Floats ......................................First ................................................Genuinely Tired Of Looking ..........Get Me Through My Life ..............Gotten To That Part ......................Hand-Grenades, Chainsaws and

Fireworks (oh my)....................Hard as a Rock ..............................

Here’s Your Chance ........................How Many Times I’ve Done It ......I’m Sure We Killed It ......................Is it Just Me ....................................It's Only The Tip............................Knew All Along ..............................Lava... at a Rolling Boil ..................MyMy Blood ......................................My Wishes Come True ..................Naivety ..........................................No Place ........................................Not Getting Better ........................No There Isn’t ................................Organic Sex Toy ............................the Perils of Lovemaking ................Pool Together Our Money ..............Pool Together Our Money ..............Slow Painful Death ........................Suspend My Beliefs ........................the Power of the Devil ....................Thinks That Through ....................The Truth and Liars........................Wanted To Play ..............................We All Want That ..........................Well, Someone Is ..........................Well, What About Me ....................Where I Left Of..............................You Will ........................................

. 3 .


A While

It’s been a whilesince we stopped going outand I’m sure you’re still having one night standsand I’m sure you don’t think about methis I’m sure of

And you can tell me thatyou’ve thought of meand that you’ve missed meand I don’t care to hear your excuses anymore

I thought when someone saidthey caredthey meant itand feelings like thataren’t supposed to changeat the drop of a hat

when does it occur tothe average manthat there is in fact no feeling therethat maybe there never was feeling there

maybe you don’t get to that last partyou just think, okay, I don’t like thisI’m going to have to end thismaybe she won’t get hurt

Well, in case no one ever told youwomen do get hurt

even the strong ones

Read by Janet Kuypers 05/09/09


. 4 .

Better

I had all of the other useless dronings and the high school promsI’ve always thought I was good enoughthen someone would remind me that I might be wrongbecause someone else would always come along and cover mewith their better hair, their better clothes, their pulitzer prizesWowI must really need all that stuff those people havei must want that

some people always had the better carswith the nice red stripe down the sideor maybe better shoes or better clothes or a better date

doesn’t it just suck how people can be the biggest jerks in theirday to day life to people they don’t even know

isn’t it funny how these people are invariably the oneswho have the money from the parents or they marry people with moneyand their life is spent in this plush heaven

And then there’s you or me, someone who has always tried to do welland they never have enough money or the right clothesor the wrong kind of carI guess some people just have a run of bad luck


. 5 .


Cry To Be Held

I cry to be heldBut you don’t seem toSee my tears

I’m starting to feelMore alone with youthan without you

Me? Get serious?Oh, I never do thattoo much chance to pain

And yet I was trappedlike an animal in a cage

I fastened the lock myself

And now I onlycry to be held

Read by C Ra McGuirt 05/09/09


. 6 .

Do That For Me Then

Is there someone aroundwho is designed to tell everyonewhat the problems are, and what youhave to do to solve them

peoplelike that would have been founda while ago, if they existed

there would be no moreviolence, there would bea loving caring feeling amongpeople of different beliefs

maybe peoplewouldn’t have such strong beliefs

That’s where the problemscome fromThe problems comefrom having ideas, having theories,thinking they’re the right ideas,

and then acting on those ideaswithout checking your premises tosee if they were even the right ideas

I’ve done that

I’ve hoped, maybe itwasn’t exactly hope, but I thought,

that everything would fall into placeand everything would have a happyending for meI’ve discovered thatafter all of these years those happyendings haven’t come around, and that

. 7 .


there is no reason to have hope

But on some levels it’s truePeople want someone to deliver flowersto them, for no reason, other than becauseyou wouldn’t expect it and it wouldbe nicePeople could say somethingnice to you, out of the blue, tobrighten your day

Wouldn’t it be nice is someone you knewcame up to you to tell you they loved you?

I mean, you know they love youbut it’s nice to hear

I think men don’t get thatThey don’t remember thatwomen like nice things for them, even ifit’s not expensiveif it’s notsomething they’d normally think to do

I like nice things done for meI want someone to call me when theysaid they would

I want someone totell me I’m worth something

I’ve wanted that for years



. 8 .

Good Things Have Happened to Me Too

I’ve wanted to bawl my eyes outbut I don’t think I have the emotion in me any longer.My share of bad things have happened to me,

and I can saythat good things have happened to me tooButwhen you’re like me all you can think about is

the bad stuff, and you can fixate on that,it doesn’t matter how many months go by,

or years, or whatever, but you get my point

My point is that the bad stuff is there,and there’s nothing you’re going to be able to do to get ridof the bad stuffYou can try to deal with it

with a good attitude, or you can have a temper-tantrumevery time something bad happens to you,or you can try to take all the bad stuff for as long as you can

I don’t know how you deal with that painI suppose that bawling your eyes out with a problem would helpfor now, but the problem is not going to get anyeasier just because you cry

No, the bad stuff doesn’t go awayThe key isto be able to figure outhow to make all of the bad stuff go away,like it was never there in the first placeWell,I don’t know if anyone has been able to

figure that out yet

. 9 .


I suppose there has to be some wayto make yourself just blink and then you can forgetall the bad stuffPeople for the most part have been able to do that most of their lives

Unless they kill themselves first, butI’m not even going to go there

That just seemslike too touchy of a subject to even come near.

So I guess the burning questionis to figure out how to make all the bad stuffgo away, like it was never there in the first place

Well, it seems that no one so far hascome up with a way to figure out how to do that

If anyone has an idea, let me know. Thanks.


. 10 .

a Great American

and when listening to Sean Hannity,one of the Republican’s icons in punditry,I hear him say to all veterans,“you’re a great American.”then other people later on his showwould say that he is a great American

and it becomes like a contest sometimeswhere everyone who supports

Sean Hannity on his showis calling each other a great American

and I’m thinking:he thanks veterans because they fought in a warand protected our country.and I’m thinking,we thank peoplefor finding a loophole to legally kill people,we thank people for going through hellin a current war that we don’t support

a war not defending our countrybut killing our people nonetheless

Hell, people now aren’t even in a waronly Congress can declare a warand we haven’t been in an actual war sine World War Two

but I’m sure they’re great Americansbecause they fought in these President-proclaimed wars

yeah, Sean Hannity thanks veterans because they fought in a warand protected our country

. 11 .


but he also calls anyone a great Americanonly because they agree with him

you can elevate anyone to that tall pedestalidolize them, call them a great Americanas long as they support the Bush kakistocracy

hey, we’re Americans, we’ve proclaimed ourselves to be the bestwe don’t idolize anyoneI think it’s time we all start thinking

the Sean Hannity wayand be great Americans again

Read by both Janet Kuypers and C Ra McGuirt 05/09/09


. 12 .

Hasn’t Happened Yet

I think there’s so much about me that’s ugly

and people can tell me otherwisepeople can give me compliments

and the compliments are never enoughit’s never what i want to hear

it would be nice if the right someonecame along and told me everythingI needed to hear

but that hasn’t happened yet

people keep trying to make me feel betterthey talk about the sunrises and thestars in the sky and the babbling brookthat is a couple of blocks from my housebut I don’t see those thingsI never dowhen I look right over my shoulderto see the beauty in thingswell, I never get to the beauty part

I never get there

so no, I don’t know what the answers areand I don’t know how to make things better for methings haven’t gotten better yetand I don’t know what else I’m supposed to do

I guess my only choice is to keep trying


. 13 .


Learn To Do That TooMaybe there isn’tmuch of a chance for usbut other people get tothink about these thingsother people get to have hopesother people can function that way

so maybe I can learnmaybe I can too

Yeah, maybe I think you are cute

well, you’re a cute guy, you knowand you’ve been judged on that beforeI know that’shappened to me too

and maybe you’re somethingto pass the time with to meand maybe I likethe positive attention you give me

maybe I need that, you know

I know we don’t havea lot in commonI know that on many thingswe disagreeI know that you’d finda lot of my beliefswell, infuriating

well, maybe you still do

but maybe you’ve been able to shut all that offand like me anywaymaybe that’s what people domaybe I can learn to do that too



. 14 .

this Halloween

this halloween i got a costume togetheri wore a black page-boy wig,a vinyl dress and matching vinyl boots

it was strange for mei’m not such an outgoing person

and every time i was left alone at a barsomeone would hit on meusually someone uglybut i didn’t tell them to leave me alone:

i gave them a fake name, a fake number

and looking back, what made the differencewas not wearing the revealing clothesbut wearing a wig, changing my identity

and it’s not that i’d do it againbut i must admiti really like being someone elsejust for a little while

Read by John Yotko 05/09/09

. 15 .


Want That Too You Know

I think I have heightened awarenessI have this tendency to notice the detailsI don’t know what it is

but what I’ve noticedis something other people wouldn’t notice

I’ve noticed when you say something

in passingand maybe you didn’tmean anything by it

well, I noticed the double meaningand maybe you weren’t trying togive me any double meaning

maybe I’m just being too aware

maybe I want something towork out for me

we women want that too, you know



. 16 .

t h e re we re many things I wanted from lifeyou know, some women get marriedand have kidsand depend on another manfor the moneyand maybe I want thatand maybe I don’tbut I have to knowthat someone out thereis worth it

When You’ve Only Got You

there were so many thingsI wanted to believeand there were so many thingsI felt like I could trust

it’s funny when people are paid offto tell you liesand you can trust no onebecause anyone can be paid off

that’s when you’ve only got you

and I know that can be rough sometimesand I’ve managed after all these yearsand I’ve made it just fine on my own

and then you had to come along

and maybe it was my problem to trust youmaybe I thought thatyou wouldn’t lie to me

I wanted to get to know youI’ve gotten to know you wellworking together with youI’ve learned about your love of pornographyand I thought that you did itbecause you were so obsessedwith your workand you had no time forother people too

. 17 .


Everything is New

“Is that what life is all about?I’m used to feeling wantedand wanting someone to take meand take some control over mebecause I’m tired of having the controlall to myself.”

“I don’t know what you want, woman,and I don’t know how to askand you have to tell me.If you want to keep it different,let me do what I can,but what do you want from me?”

“I’m sorry. I probably ramble too much."

“I don’t talk enough, so webalance each other out.”

“But I just want to feellike I’m not getting oldand I want to feel like everything is new.”

“Is that what you want?”

“I think so. What more can I say? I talk too much.”

“So should it be my turn?”

Read by Janet Kuypers and C Ra McGuirt 05/09/09


. 18 .

A beacon alone

I know I’m meant to be standing aloneI’ve done it all my lifeand I’m fully used to the feelingand I’ve been living without anyone for so longand I wanted to let you know that I’m used to that

and I can do it on my ownand I don’t need someone to help me pick up the piecesand I don’t need someone to wipe my nose

or tell me how and when to brush my teethand comb my hair and fold my clothes.

Have I said this to you before? Probably. Do Ithink this needs repeating? Usually. Then no onegets what I want and what I do. But this

is what I’ve been used to all my life,this rejection, this feeling like I’msupposed to be this way, this feeling that there’s no chance for me. You mightthink it. The rest of the world does.But let me tell you once, in the easiestway I know how, let me tell you that I

am strong and I know what I need and Iknow what to do and I’ve been fine on my ownall of this time. Maybe I’ve been justwaiting for someone to come alongand make it all better for me. Well,maybe that’s my job, to do what I’vebeen planning, and someone else

will notice that you don’t haveto do it like everyone else. I don’t knowif I’m a beacon, but it’s nice to think of methat way, whether of not it’s accurate.

I don’t know if I’m a beacon. But for now,

. 19 .


it’s nice to think of me that way.

I wonder when someone will notice mydifferences. I wonder when someone will thinkI’m different. I wonder when someone will notice



. 20 .

Two Not Mute Haikus

IJust sit quietly.Rapes, beatings, torture and pain.We can beat you down.

IIYou can’t be quiet.Try to fight the world’s evils —Even with just words.

. 21 .


A Common Acquaintance

An innocent placeturned into a lengthy stare

turned into an intimate conversation

turned into a lover

turned into my hell

turned everything we hadinto nothing



. 22 .

And I Don’t CareI’m sick of people telling methat they’re glad that I’m okay

and I’m tired of people asking meand that condescending high-pitched voice(which is supposed to mean that they care)how I’m doing

well, I’m fineI’m the same I’ve been

I know a lot has happened to meand I know I’ve gone through a lotand I know that nothing gets better

I know, I know, it all depends on your attitudethat’s what they tell mewith amazing regularityand it doesn’t do me any good

and I’m still angryand I’ve still lost part of my life

and maybe in theory I’ll lose moreI don’t know

I don’t care about the beautiful treesthat are growing outside my homeand I don’t care about the chirps I hearfrom the birds outside

that’s not a nice way to put it, I know

but there are a lot of things I don’t care aboutwhen the beautiful things have decidedto take a turn for the worse for me

Are things getting better?Objectively, I can say that I don’t knowand I don’t care


. 23 .


Bad And Good

I just heard about anunwarranted arrest for aman who was technically acouple of arrests in debt

One thing occurred to mewhen I heard that...there are bad people inthe world, and good people

and some people just deserve pain

So why have I beenbetter than good all my life?I hope someone who is badcan give me the answer soon



. 24 .

But It Is Cute

Every time I go to the lakewell, sometimes I take a golf cart

and sometimes I just walk there

well, every time I go to the lakeI feed the fishand yes, I make small piecesso that the little fish have a chance

yes, so that they have a chanceto be big fishand eat other fish

survival of the fittest, I suppose

well, every once in a whileone big fish makes his movehe watches the little fish eat for a whilethen the big fish moves quicklyand tries to eat a little fish

they move so fast

maybe they catch onemaybe they miss

but every once in a whilea little fishin trying to get awayfrom the attacking big fishwell, every once in a whilea little fishends up at the side of the lake

out of the waterflopping around

. 25 .


and when I get to see thatI think to myself,well, wait, and seeif that little fishflops his way back into the water

which he does

you can call this scenesomething like divine interventionsomething like, the little fishwas strong enough to get backinto the waterand maybethe fish was just flopping around

until it was able to breathe again

but it is cutecruel, but cute



. 26 .

Cocktail Hour

I remember when I was littlewhen dad would come homefrom work, mom would alwayshave two gin martinis readyfor them. She’d put the glassesin the freezer, with ice cubesin them, an hour before he wasdue home. That was their timeto sit together, talk about theirday.Sometimes they’d joke, is itcocktail hour yet?, and they’dlook at the time, 4:55, closeenough.So little vermouth that some-times they’d pour a capful ofvermouth in, swirl it aroundin the glass with the ice cubes,then pour the extra vermouthout.I never liked gin; the smell istoo strong. But I always thinkof the end of the day when Ismell a martini.And at restaurants, too, dadwould always order for them.two dry martinis, on the rocks,with a twist. You know, somethings just flow off yourtongue when you’ve heard themsaid enough. two dry martinis,on the rocks, with a twist.

Read by C Ra McGuirt and Janet Kuypers 05/09/09

. 27 .


Do I Still

it is so easy to be filled with spiteit is so easy to hold grudgesand if your memory isn't shot to Hellit is so easy to remember the details

it's funny to think about how you convolute the worldhow your brain's preceptions

are different from everyone else's

i swear to god, womani didn't want to go to princetonand i don't remember wanting to apply

and you swore i wanted thatto show i was smartto show i was good

and i swear to god i'm not that materialistici swear

did i want to show everyonethat being smart was easy for medid i want to show everyonethat i was better than everyone elsedid i want to prove it allwithout putting the work in

do i still



. 28 .

Everyone Else Does It

it’s funny how you get an imagein your head as to how to wantto lead your life, and you havethese ideas, and maybe they’re

not like anyone else’s ideas, andis it funny that you think this way

Well, would you get tired ofthinking that way if everyoneelse thought something different

well, you probably would startthinking differently, but what

would you do with those ideas,once you change your ideasfor everyone else? Would youjust throw those thoughts intothe trash, into the garbage, youcould do that you know, I knowthey’re just your ideas, but everyoneelse does that, you could do it too.


. 29 .


Evil Floats(the mind of John)

Evil floatsit is lighter than airit will always rise to the top

Read by John Yotko 05/09/09


. 30 .

First

I walked to the tight ropewho has that much willto live, to their life, to all life

that just one step could comeand they would be carried down.

I could tight rope,I had thoughts when Iwould see the tight rope walkers goI had thoughts that theywould hold on to an extrarope, when they should keep

their arms free. would a mandecide on a tight ropewell, decide to play it safe andjust once hold on to a rope?I mean, if I was somebodyelse, and it was just meand that simple white light?

I would wonder if people likethat would ever get to thatplace.I wonder if I’d get tothat point, like right beforethat moment, when you think you’re going to fall.


. 31 .


Genuinely Tired Of Looking

you want my Christmas wishwell, here it is

I have wanted things to work out for meand not kick me in the teeth

There is so much I have wanted out of lifeAnd there is so little that I have received

And I am getting tiered of lookingI am genuinely tired of looking



. 32 .

Get Me Through My Life

there was a time tonightwhen i thought you would come up to meand acted like you had never met me before

and well, i didn’t know what else to sayand so i did the same

it is strange to be in a placeyou haven’t been to beforebecause i think that’s wheni see something familiarand see something different

it is at times like thatwhen i try to come up with stories in my headto get me through the daysand get me through my life

so yes, i think of yousometimesat times like this


. 33 .


Gotten To That Part

So am I the only personwho thinks about all the unanswered questionsand am I the only one that thinkseveryone is in troubleand that no one tries to make it betteram I the only one that thinks that way

I don’t want to have to bethe only one, you know

I want someone to come alongand save the day for MEand make MY life better somehow

because I have not figuredthat part out yet

I have not learned the skill ofmastering other people’s minds

I have not gotten to that part of it yet



. 34 .

hand-grenades,chainsaws andfireworks (oh my)

A Croatian man in January, in an attempt tosalvage a hand-grenade to make firecrackersfor the New Year’s holiday, decided toattempt to open the hand-grenade byusing a chain saw. This Croatian man diedin the explosion and saw no New Year’s fireworks.


. 35 .


Hard as a Rock

you left me as hard as a rockno one’ll ever hurt me like that again

and you know,screw that whole rock-paper-scissors thingbecause i don’t care what’s on that paperi can still bury it

hide it from the worlddestroy it

because i’m as hard as a rockand i can get rid of whatever that paper sayspress it down before scissors can even cut it up

you see, you’ve done that to memade me as hard as a rockyou’ve made me close myself off to the worldand now all i can dois use my new powerto silence everyone else



. 36 .

Here’s Your Chance

Sometimes the most unconscious thingshappen in life

Or I guess,I should say that about“my life,”

but then I’d sound like I was

complaining

So I have to keep it allto myself,and I just have to take all ofthe crap that is dished out to me allthe time, andthen when I want to let myanger out

no one wants to take thetime to listen to me

or even act likethey’re listening to me

I kept my lifea secret from the rest of the worldfor so many years,

and now that I feelI have to let out my emotions and mydisgust with everything in the worldthat is so wrong,well then,then no onewants to take the time to be there for me

. 37 .


They’d rather bitch back instead of

attempt to make any attempts to helpThat’s my luckI should justget used to itthat’s what the world doeseveryone would ratherkick me when I’m down

Well, I’m down nowThis is your chanceGo nuts

I have been told all of my life by certainpeopleusually the ones that should beconsidered the smart oneswell, I’ve been

told all of my life that I should talk moreand I should get over my problems and thatthings will get better when I least expect it

Well, things aren’t better, things are justgetting worse, and no one can help methrough this pain or this anger, and I want tochange so many thingsin my life

and no onewill let me make any attemptsto make my life betterIf I’m supposed to make adifference in my life and I’m also notallowed to change a god-damned thingin my life either, then I suppose I shouldjust tell you all that this is your chanceand you can do with me what you will



. 38 .

How Many Times I’ve Done It

I wonder how long I’ve been like thisI wonder how long I’ve been forgetting thingswhere no one has been able to fill in the pieces for meI wonder how many time I’ve gone thought thishow many times has it happened in my head

where I’ve had to put all the pieces back togetherI wonder how many times I’ve done it

I wonder how crazy I’d soundto always ask for helpfor someone elseto put the pieces together for me

maybe then someone would knowwhat I go through and what I thinkand maybe people would start to think something different of meand maybe then people wouldn’t thinki was something better


. 39 .


I’m Sure We Killed It

on the Galapagos Islandsnew species of animals developto accommodate their immediate surroundingsand everything fits with nature

think of trees around the world:there seems to be a treefor the needs of every animal:the eucalyptus and the Koala Bear,woodpeckers to make holes in trees,even think of the leaping and traversing of monkeys in the treesor that even certain dead grasses are needed for locustsanimals thrive around trees producing food they can eat

in nature, every tree has its nicheand everything fills its need

unlike animals, we humans don’t have a single tree:we cut them down for building and heating our homeswe cut down rain forests to plant more orange groves(you know, so our orange juice can taste worse, but cost less)

we cherish some for food, but destroy others:we destroy the rain forestswhich counteracts the human effect on global warmingwe destroy the rain foreststhat possibly possess the natural curesfor diseases that help us kill ourselves

maybe that’s what we get

and maybe there once was a single tree for humans

I’m sure we killed it



. 40 .

Is it Just Me

Is it just meI remember how you used to beand how you’d pay attention to me

and how you’d do nice thingsand how youwouldn’t forget to call me backor how you wouldn’t forgetwhat was important

Is it just meor do you do this to other people too

or do other people get used to itdo other just assumeyou’ll forget them

that’s what peopleare supposed to do now, right

Is it just meor are you on time withother people

or is it just me that you’re ignoring

because I’ve been in this holefor a whileand I’ve needed someoneto listen to my problemsand I’ve needed someone to tell me

that everything was going to be okay

. 41 .


and I’ve got no one tellingme that now

Is it just meis there anything you can doto help yourselfbecause I lost hope for you a while ago

well, I haven’t lost hope

but I’m getting close



. 42 .

It's Only The Tip

there are too many things that I want to say,but after all these years I’ve forgotten how to speak

I’ve wanted to tell you how I feel but I’ve always been afraid to do thatand I’ve always been afraid of looking like a fool

looking like a fool? well, I mean, having ideas that others don’t agree with

you know what I mean

well, maybe you don’t, but now you seewhy I haven’t been able to tell you everythingand now I’m afraid that it’s too latetoo late for meand now I’m going to have to live with what I knowall alone

I’ll have no one to share that knowledge with

I want someone to share that knowledge with meI want someone to spend their life with me

I know I should have wanted that beforebut I’m telling you, at least I’m trying to tell you now

and I’m still afraid to tell all this to youand this is only the tip of the ice berg

it’s only the tip

. 43 .


Knew All Along

So my friend Joe owned this bar, and Joewas a great guy, but he had this thing against guyswith motorcycles. He didn’t want motorcycles in hisparking lot, he didn’t want anybody in leather orheavy motorcycle boots in his bar. So I thought oneday I’d get him for thinking like that - so Icame up with a plan. It’s like this: the bar is laid outwith an entrance to the left of the main entrance. SoI decided I’d ride a motorcycle through his bar, with afull leather outfit on and a helmet so he couldn’t seewho it was, and I’d go in through the main entranceand exit at the entrance on the left. So everything wasin place, I was in the parking lot, then at the frontdoor, ready to go. Then someone opened the door forme, and for some reason when I went through thefront door, I couldn’t turn my wheel, and I endedup running right into his juke box. And so I triedreversing my way out of it, and I ended up runninginto Joe’s cigarette machine. And his wife was behindthe bar screaming for Joe to come out - Joe was inback and missed all of this - while I managed to man-euver my way out the door on the left before Joe evergot out there. And Joe put out rewards for informationabout who did this to his bar, and he swore up anddown about motorcycle riders. And I couldn’t tell himthat it was just a joke, that I didn’t mean to break allof his stuff, right? So finally, after four years, I toldhim at a party it was me. He said, “I knew all along.”


. 44 .

Lava... at a Rolling Boil

no drug or alcohol evidencewas found when 24 year oldPhilip Quinn lost his lifelate last November.Reporters thought drugsor alcohol were necessary,in order to let Philip Quinnbelieve his actions were rational.because Philip Quinn placeda lava lamp on his kitchen burner

and turned up the heat

he was not aware that a lava lamp,when place over an open flameand heated,exploded,and a pieceof the glass -the deadly shrapnel -was found lodged throughPhilip Quinn’s heart

. 45 .


My

my eyesno longer seeI close themmy handsare numbI no longer feelmy heartis coldI cannot love


. 46 .

My Blood

Take my bloodit is yoursTake the bloodthat runs coldthrough my bodyand fill my veinswith the tearsI have too oftencried for you

. 47 .


My Wishes Come True

I wonder if my pain is always this wayI wonder ifI’m always going to be like thisI wonder if I’m alwaysgoing to function this way

I know I wishthat life was easier sometimes

well, I know I wishfor a lot of things

that doesn’t meanmy wishes come true


. 48 .

Naivety

The naivety is over.Now we must put our little toys awayand stop playing house.This is the real thing,and I won’t fool around anymore.Not with you.

You threw around the words“I love you”as if they were no more than wateras if you really didn’t knowtheir value.

But this isn’t a game,and when I get hurtkissing itwon’t make it better.

. 49 .


No Place

Sometimes the easier answerto getting answers

that ones tough

Sometimes you kick and youscream for information and no onewill give you any help and you’llhave no place to turn

That’s whatthe world it’s like, you know,

just in case you hadn’t figuredit all out and in case you werestill looking for someone to help youto save the day and magically makeeverything turn better


. 50 .

Not Getting Better

everyone is thinkingthat I’m getting better

but no one knows what it’s likeno one knows what painI still go through

yes, I’ve been fightingbut I still don’t see the signs

that anything is getting better

people can tell me that it isbut that doesn’t do meany good

I don’t wear my glasseseven though wearing them

would make it easier to seebut I don’t,

because I have to train myselfto not need them anymore

maybe that will make me betterat least that’s what I think

I’ve wanted things to be betterfor three months now

I haven’t wanted to waitfor everything to get better

and now I still have to waitand it’s already past due

. 51 .


this getting better thing isn’t fairat least not to me, isn’t

people think my vision is better

because I’m not wearing my glasses

that’s a good example,but it’s not

I still can’t see, but I haveto come up with a way in my

head to make it better. Sono one can see the difference.

but i still feel it. I still feel thedifference, and it’s not getting better.

Not Getting Better (edited)

everyone thinks I’m getting better

but no one knows what it’s likethe pain I still go throughI’ve been fighting but I don’t see the signsthat anything is getting better

I still have to waitit’s already past due

I still can’t seeI come up with a way in myhead to make it betterno one can see the difference.but i still feel it


. 52 .

three months since theaccident in the car do Ifeel any different

Should the world

be now revolvingat a different pace

Or was everyone just used to thechange of the earth’s speedwhen it changed

as if it was something they just neverchose to think about

Was everyone just used tothe world when itstarted to feel this way?

So many people go throughlife with a lack of emotion,or a lack of feeling, or alack of thoughtAnd I’ve never been asked

to function that wayI’ve neverbeen able to just let lifego by.

Maybe life stepped on me a few times

Well, you know what I’mgetting at with these metaphors

No There Isn’t

I can stand aloneI don’t need youand you think there’smore to it than that,but no, there isn’t

well, sometimes you’vegot to do what you’vegot to do, and you justget it done

when it’s gotto get done, you have toremember that people

(when actors and actresses)who do it on television,well, they and thedirectors have noidea how to get it done.Well, sometimes theworld and everything kind ofshows what it’s made of

and sometimes you haveto survive all the crap that’sthrown in your direction.

So sometimes it’s importantto understand that I don’tneed all the crutches thatpeople usually give

themselves, but it’s true, Idon’t need you, and I canget along fine without you

. 53 .


Maybe if life is just cruel thatway maybe life is stormingaway and if you happen to bein the way, well maybe life willjust accidentally step on you on theway out, like if life doesn’t knowwhere it’s doing when it’s just

trying to leave

Well, at timeslike that you just have to beready for a battle, maybe it’sa battle you weren’t expecting torun into in the first place, butsometimes you just have to be ready

for a conflict like that

Even if it never comes to get you,you have to be ready for thatpotential problem, just in case.Just in case it happens


. 54 .

Organic Sex Toy

a teenage boy in Knoxville, Tennesseewas found by firefightersnaked and burned in his bedroom

the boy was found nude,with the remains of a cow’s heartattached to his genitals

Officer Hardaway found pornographicmagazine in the remains of his room,including the underground mag “Ovid Now”

which described how to makea sexual toy out of a cow’s heart,an electrical circuit and some batteries

this boy hooked the heart upto a household current,electrocuting himself

before he set his house on fire

The boy’s parents were contactedwhile on vacation about the incidentand have remained unavailable for comment

•••

. 55 .


To check out sources,this Knoxville Tennessee storywas reported in Marchby more than one media outlet...

but a “media outlet” could be a web page,and we wondered if it was truebecause we found this storyalso happened in Italy...

a coroner in Italy found what was originallyconsidered an unidentifiable massattached to a naked dead man

they later learned that this manconnected the heart of a cow, with cables,to a 220 volt outlet.

220 volts? was this man stupid?or are we for believing it?so... keep searching for evidence& be careful around outlets


. 56 .

the Perils of Lovemakingthis report is brought to usby Dr. William A. Morton, Jr. MD,a retired urologist in West Chester, Pennsylvania

Dr. Morton was called to the emergency roombecause a pale 40 year old male patient there“needed a doctor who took care of men’s troubles”

after the nurses left, the doctor removedtwo or three yards of stained gauzewrapped around his scrotum

swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit,his tender left scrotum even had a jagged,pus and blood filled zig-zag laceration

after seeing dark lines, the patient explainedthat days earlier he injured himself in the machine shopwith a heavy-duty stapling gun

those dark lines were one-inch wallboard staples

he was admitted to the hospital,got tetanus antitoxin, antibacterial therapy,and pre-surgery baths

eight staples were removed during surgery andhis left testes was missing. after the surgery,the patient told Dr. Morton the entire story.

the patient was an unmarried loner who didn’tleave the shop for lunch with the male coworkers.but when he was alone every day for lunch,

he would masturbate with his penis againstthe canvas of a machine’s drive-belt. but one fatal day,as he approached orgasm he got too close to the belt

it threw him in the air, an apparently tookhis left testes with it. He couldn’t tell his coworkers,so he stapled his wound and returned to work.

. 57 .


Pool Together Our Money

spill the beans and get it overwith - but that seems valid, like it’s such

a natural thing to saythat is very physical, well,it’s something we should all knowlike something we were forced

if only we could have beenstrong enough to pool togetherour money and tried tobeat the bidding for blood

for the next to get the damage.

when i learned,what I learned was little.Sometimes the mostinsane people somehowgot in charge of teaching,I’d guess that it would beprobably because they

lied their way to theright job, but I haven’tdone a lot of researchon this so I could be wrong,but I think somehow,somewhere, someonewas put in charge of decidingwho would learn what,


. 58 .

and I think those peoplewho really actually knowvery little, decided to pullone big joke over on the studentsand the world, well, I thinkthat all of thesepeople, all the ones with no real brains tospeak of, all these people justdecided to screw up all

the good things that weresupposed to beproduced by intelligentpeople in intelligent parts ofwhat we should think of asthe possible intelligent world.Well, that’s my story and I’msticking with it.

well, what I think happenedwas that all of these peoplewith no real intelligencedecided to create a jokeor take over the wouldor whatever and theydecided to make all the intelligencethey could find, and they

decided to destroy thatintelligence. There’s reallyno other way to explain it, other thanto just make people stupid, in a way that no onecould ever think to beaware ofbut no one would get it, and all thestupid people would gain their

strength somehow. Atleast that’s m little theory.

. 59 .


and now, no one has theskill to defend themselves,much less the skill to set busydefending anyone else. Well,that would kind of be whatthe world would be like if we lost all

intelligence, but it would kindof also be like the way the world iskind of like Now. Don’t get busythinking about that idea now, let’s justfigure out what we can do about it.

so this is the way that peoplewith no talent manage to screw

people with talent over, so that thepeople without talent can rise in theirfame and everyone can suffer in theprocess.

###


. 60 .

Pool Together Our Money (edited)

the most insane people got in chargeof teaching, they probablylied their way to the right jobsomehow, somewhere, someonewas put in charge of deciding who would learn what,and I think those people really actually knowvery little decided to pull one big jokeover on the students and the world

spill the beans and get it over withit’s something we should all knowif only we could have been strong enoughto pool together our money and triedto beat the extracting of blood

all of these people with no real brainsdecided to screw up all the good thingsthat were supposed to be produced by intelligentpeople in intelligent parts of the world

all of these people with no real intelligencedecided to create a jokeand they decided to take all the intelligencethey could find, and they decided to destroy that

just make people stupid, in a way that no onecould ever think ofall the stupid people would gain their strength

so this is the way that people with no talentmanage to rise in their fameand everyone can suffer in the process

no one has the skill to defendthemselves or anyone elsethat is the world if we lost all intelligence

isn’t that the world now

. 61 .


Slow Painful Death

I have to try to remember the good thingsI am usually so filled with anger thatI can’t help it butI’ll try

It’s hard to remember the good thingsWhen all you can think aboutAre the bad things

Maybe it’s just that I wanted someoneTo care for meI needed that a lot then, you know

But that wasn’t a good enough reason

Looking back, I know that

It’s funny how hindsight is twenty twentyAnd it’s funny how I was going toWrite something about you that was good

But you were are liar, and still are oneAnd I wasn’t immune to your violenceAnd all of the good memories I have of youAre clouded by your angerAnd rageAnd insolenceAnd idiocy

so I guess I can’t do it this timeI have to write about things that matter to meSo I could write about how IWant you to go through aslow painful death

but you probably know I think thatAnd I probably don’t need to go into that at length


. 62 .

Suspend My Beliefs

and I don’t know what the answersare supposed to be anymore

I’m tired of looking for the answerssometimes, you knowand sometimes I just want someoneto come along and tell me thateverything is going to be okay

and that they are going to be there for meand that they’ll take care of me

and that they’ll love me

and when i say love, I don’t meanthe kind of garbage that you hearpeople say to each other when theydon’t even know what love is

I’m talking real love, lifetime lovethe kind of love that doesn’t go away

well, as I was saying, I want someoneto come along and tell me that everythingis going to be okay and that everything willget betterand you know, just hearing someone say thatand mean itwould be enough

I’d be able to suspend my beliefs for a moment

so what should I make out of this worldwhat should I make out of this world that

doesn’t make sensewhat should I make out of it

. 63 .


I can hope, I supposebut I’ve done that for yearsand it gets me no where

this whole belief thingin things you have no proof of

really doesn’t get you anywhereI’ve learned that much

So what do I want

I want someone to come alongand let me not think for a while

someone to come alongand excite meand make me feel aliveand make me feel that I’m safe

I haven’t felt that in so long

I’ve wanted you to be a part of my lifein so many waysfor so many years nowand I think I’ve wanted itfor so longand I’ve never told you

well, maybe I should have told youwhen you would have wanted to hear itso many years ago

and then maybe I wouldn’t feel so lonely for youand maybe I wouldn’t want so much more from you

and maybe then things would be different


. 64 .

the Power of the Devil

In November, a church held a pageant,and the ending was of a battlebetween God and Satan.The church hired a stage actorto play Satan, and true to the actor’sform, he used many special effectsto make Satan appear more realistic.The actor used a voice shifter for adark and evil voice, and also used hisfire-breathing skills to make the devilmore devilish.The dramatic show was too muchfor two congregation members,because the two had a heart attacksduring the performance. One was incritical condition, the other died.

. 65 .


I wonder if otherpeople think like thisI wonder if I’mthe only one who thinks like thisWill Ibe the only one hurting from those same things

Thinks That Through

I wonder how many times I’ve gone through this.I always want something and I never get it.Each time it happens, I just remind myselfthat I have to kill a little part of meand just go on without what I want

There are some things we don’t havecontrol over

How other people act is oneof the things we don’t have control overDoes that mean I deserve differenttreatmentWell, I think I deserve itApparently no one else thinks that through

I’ve been wanting all of the pieces

to fall into place for meAt this rate,I’m going to have to try to put all thepieces in place for myselfAt this rate,I’m not going to get what I want, I’mgoing to always be ten years late in

having needs and wants and I’m going toever get them, because for my usualproblems, well, people got over that tentears ago

What did I want,A happy ending?

That hasn’t happened yet


. 66 .

The Truth and Liars

I have been told so fewt ruths in my life, and asm o re time pro g resses I tru s tthe average person less and less.

Fo r g i ve me, but some thingsjust call for straight-outh o n e s t y. Seldom do I get thechance to voice my opinion, orspeak out in opposition, or eve nh a ve my own vo i c e .

I ’ve let myself out of one hospital,and want to get out of a secondone, by liars and people whot ry to deceive for a living. Be l i e veme, I’ve seen it so many times,that sometimes it just gets moresimple to tell apart the liarsf rom the people who tell tru t h s .

The truth-tellers are ve ry, ve rydifficult to find in this dayand age. When you give alittle power to a liar yo u’ll befaced with a lifetime of fightingand failures. Well, whenyo u’re a person faced withliars, well let’s just say thatthe battle to win is almost impossible.

. 67 .


For a good part of my life I’vedealt with liars. Or should Is a y, I think that all of my life,when I’ve been aware of whatpeople are capable of, well, let’sjust say that as long as I canre m e m b e r, well, let’s just saythat I have never been a betterp a rt of a liar’s life.

No one seems to know how toearn a peron feeling trust. It’s adifficult job to do with me.People often fail, if they eve rt r i e d .

I suppose that an ave r a g eperson who tried to earn myt rust would probably not succeedat it. oming from someone whok n ows the truth, someone whothinks, let me say it for myself.

I ’ve lived through good new sand bad news. I’ve been thro u g hyoung people’s deaths, oldp e o p l e’s deaths. I’ve seenpeople in constant pain. I’veseen no real attempts doneby anyone to help me - eve r. Ih a ve seen - and lived through bothhappiness and sadness. I havesucceeded at the things I havetried. I have won when Ih a ve had to. I’m a ru t h l e s sw i n n e r. That comes with whatI know.

I have cried for so many peoplethat I can’t even tell you. Iwonder if that many tears havebeen shed over me.


. 68 .

I wonder if anyone, any -w h e re, has felt anything about me.

This year I was hit be a fewcars. I was driving my car.My car is now useless, after theaccident. I was in a coma,unconscious for 1 to 2 we e k s .

I don’t remember the accident.This is the story from what othersh a ve told me, since my re c ove ry.

Right now I hear the chatter of 2w a i t resses at the front of thisoffice. I still have to hear them.I know the world deserve sm o re than mindless chatter.Someone on this planethas to deserve it. I haveto deserve it. I’ve alre a d ytaught myself how to stoparguing, how to stop beingunpleasant, how to stopmaking waves. If you canfit in with those simple ru l e s ,if you want, you can beforgotten as soon as yo u’re dead.

Sometimes it’s not easy to justg i ve people what they want.Usually you have to sellyourself and your beliefs short .Get ready for it. It willhappen in time. Brace yo u r s e l f.

. 69 .


Wanted To Play

L ove is a crazy game

And I so desperatelyWanted to play

I rolled the diceI took a chanceAnd I lostThe game

And then I was askedif I would like to playa g a i n

L ove is a crazy game

And I so desperatelyWant to play


. 70 .

We All Want That

Not a lot of people think aboutkilling themselve sI mean, not a lot of people think of itas a real option, because I mean, whenthings get tough, when you get the badb reaks, well, they get bettere ventually they do

and no one wants to think about the bad stuffand eve ryone wants to see the lightat the end of the tunneland no one wants to think that bad thingscan happen to them

i t’s like they think they are invincible or something

but sometimes things don’t work out that way

and no, you don’t want to think about the bad stuffand you want to think aboutthe things that are supposed tomake life grand for yo u

we all want that, don’t we

. 71 .


Well, Someone Is

w h e re do you draw the timeover what is too muchand what is not enough

I ’ve been thinking about that

re a l l y, I’ve been thinking about yo uand I’ve been wonderingh ow much thinking is too muchand how much is not nearly enoughw h e re do you draw that line

you never want to see meand yes, I’m beginning to get used to that

maybe that’s what I should be thinkingthat I can be used to you not caring

maybe you don’t know that I care

well, I told yo u

you must have just changed your mindor lied to meone of the other

and I don’t like either option

we we re supposed to have a happy life togetherwe we re supposed to get marriedremember us talking about it?I ’m sure you don’t re m e m b e r.I do. I re m e m b e r

But now you don’t think of marriaget h a t’s one of your little waysto let me knowh ow you feel

and yes, I’m beginning to understandand I’m beginning to feel it

a re you trying to make mefeel this way

well, someone is


. 72 .

Well, What About Me

How can I say goodbye to yo uwhen you don’t even know I was looking for yo uwhen you we re n’t even listening

h a ve I been letting myself dow nall this timeh a ve I been hoping for something that wasn’t there

I ’ve just wanted to be aliveand I don’t know if that means anything to yo u

people tell me they care

and you know, if I diedt h e y’d cry for a few days andthen they would getused to the fact that I was gone

yes, I’ve thought of thatthe person that thinks too muchwho is a perf e c t i o n i s t

I know you want to make eve rything better for eve ryo n eI know you want eve ryone to be happyI know you want to try to do eve ry t h i n gso that eve ryone is appeased

but what about me?

I ’ve wanted those thingsand that doesn’t mean I get them

I don’t know what to do anymore for your pro b l e m sand I don’t know that if I had plannedon spending the rest of my life with yo uif you would change

. 73 .


I can’t be your beacon anymoreI need a beacon for me, you knowand it’s not going to be just anyo n ebecause I want too much

but I’m trying to learnthat that beacon isn’t going

to be you anymore, either

I know what you have to do to make your life betterbut I can’t tell you thatbecause I have to draw the time somew h e rebecause I’m tired of giving all the timeand getting nothing in re t u r n


. 74 .

Where I Left Of

I ’m considering this the beginning of time.A lot of things in the world don’t make sense.I could just write about nothing.but still I get nothing

It’s like most of the things

in my life, sometimes.Ok a y, my jewe l ry, for the mostp a rt, is mostly gone

I ’ve eaten extra eggsand extra beet soupand extra hard s h i p ssince I have been pent up here

It’s time for me to stopand time for me to go awayand I never get the chanceto make my own decisionsand live my own life

I wonder when the worldis going to come back again

so I can pick upw h e re I left off

. 75 .


You Will

pieces of the puzzle:i know how they fit

i’ve had to do thispuzzle thing for ye a r sand I’m good at it

i make you whole

i know it won’t take longas i said, i’m good at this

yo u’ll feel goodabout it when it’s done

you don’t thinkyou will, but you will

the 2009 Cana-Dixie UnionJanet Kuypers

published in conjunction with cc&d magazinethe unreligious, nonfamily-oriented literary and art magazine [email protected] http://scars.tvISSN 1068-5154 INTERNET ISSN #1555-1555

Copyright © 2009 Janet KuypersDesign Copyright © 2009 Scars Publications and Design

other publications from Scars:M a g a z i n e s : C h i l d ren, Churches and Daddies (cc&d magazine), founded June 1993; Down in the Dirt, conceived 1994, founded 2000B o o k s : Hope Chest in the Attic , the Window, Close Cover Before Striking , (Woman.) , Autumn Reason , Contents Under Pressure , the AverageGuy’s Guide (to Feminism) , Changing Gears, the Key to Believing, Domestic Blisters, Etc., Oeuvre, Exaro Versus, L’arte, The Other Side, The BossLady’s Editorials, The Boss Lady’s Editorials (2005 Expanded Edition), Duality, Seeing Things Differently, Change/Rearrange, Death Comes inThrees, Moving Performances, Six Eleven, Life at Cafe Aloha, Creams, Rough Mixes, The Entropy Project, The Other Side (2006 Edition), Stop.,Sing Your Life, The Beauty and the Destruction, cc&d v167.5 (Writing to Honour & Cherish, editor edition), Blister & Burn (the Kuypers edition),S&M, cc&d v170.5 Distinguished Writings editor edition, Living in Chaos, Silent Screams, Taking It All In, It All Comes Down, Rising to the Surface,Galapagos, Chapter 38 (v1), Finally, Literature for the Snotty and Elite (v1),Sulphur & Sawdust , Slate & Marrow , Blister & Burn , Rinse & Repeat , Survive & Thrive, (not so) Warm & Fuzzy, Torture & Triumph, Oh., theElements, Side A/Side B, Balance, Chaos Theory, Writing To Honour & Cherish, Distinguished Writings, Breaking Silences, Unlocking the Mysteries,the Book of Scars, We The Poets, Life on the Edge, Revealing all your Dirty Little Secrets, Decrepit Remains, Charred Remnants, Hope & Creation,Bending the Curve, Layers of Creation, Dark Matter,Infamous in our Prime , Anais Nin: an Understanding of her Art , the Electronic Windmill , Changing Woman, the swan road, theSignificance of the Frontier, The Svetasvatara Upanishad, Harvest of Gems, the Little Monk, Death in Málaga, Momento Mori, In thePalace of Creation, R.I.P., Bob the Bumble Bee, Remnants and Shadows, I Saw This, the Drive, Thomas at Tea, Crashing DownNineteenth, Blue Collar Ballet, Hope & Creation, Bending the Curve, Layers of Creation, Dark Matter, Chapter 38 (v1 & v2), Finally:Literature for the Snotty and Elite (3 volumes), Survival of the Fittest, a Wake-Up Call From Tradition.Compact Discs: M o m ’s Favorite Vase the demo tapes, Kuypers the final (M F V I n c l u s i v e ), Weeds and Flowers the beauty & the des-olation, The Second Axing Something is Sweating, The Second Axing Live in Alaska, Pettus & Kuypers Live at Cafe Aloha, Pointless Orc h e s t r a RoughMixes, K u y p e r s Seeing Things Differently, 5D/5D Tick Tock, Kuypers Change Rearrange, O rder From Chaos The Entropy Project, Kuypers Six OneOne, Kuypers Stop., Kuypers Masterful Performances mp3 CD, Kuypers Death Comes in Threes, Kuypers Changing Gears, Kuypers Dreams, K u y p e r sHow Do I Get There?, Kuypers Contact•Conflict•Control, the DMJ A rt Connection the DMJ Art Connection, Kuypers Questions in a World WithoutAnswers, Kuypers SIN, Kuypers WZRD Radio (2 CD set), M o m ’s Favorite Vase and The Second Axing These Truths, a s s o rted artists String Theory, Oh(audio CD), Life At The Cafe (3 CD set),D M J A rt Connection Indian Flux, D M J A rt Connection Manic Depressive or Something, Chaotic Radio ChaoticRadio Week #1, Chaotic Radio Chaotic Radio Week #2, Chaotic Radio Chaotic Radio Week #3, Chaotic Radio Chaotic Radio Week #4, Chaotic RadioChaotic Radio Week #5, Chaotic Radio the Chaotic Collection Collection #01-05 (5 CD set) e t c . (audio CD, 2 CD set), Chaotic Elements (2 CD set),Chaos in Motion (6 CD set), 5D/5D Screeching to a Halt (EP), PB&J Two for the Price of One (EP), Kiki, Jake and Haystack An American Portrait,Kuypers/the Bastard Trio/Paul Baker/the JoAnne Pow!ers Trio Fusion (4 CD set).

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