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a lor Historical Mlc rouproductlons lnstitut canadion do microroproductlom historiquos
Technicaland Bibliographic Notes
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Notes techniques et bibliogra
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L Li br ar y of Canada
cering here ere the beet qua lityiring the condition end leg ib ilityopv end in lteeping w ith theepec i f icetione .
.n prin ted peper covere ere filmed
the fron t cover end end ing on
th a pr i n ted or i llue tre tod imp rob
it cov er w hen epproprietc . A ll
piee ere filmed beg inn ing on the
printed or illuetreted impree
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preee ion .
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symbol lmeening"
CON
e symbol V lmeening
ao.
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uppe r left hend corner. left to
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flow ing d ieg reme illuetrete the
L‘
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generoeite do:
Bi b l i otheque naci onel e do Canada
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‘
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cee: lo eymbole signifie“A SU IVRE
!
. lo
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“.
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pepier oet lmprimee eont f i lm“ en commencent
pe r le prem ier ple t et en te rm inent eo i t pe r ie
dern iere peg e qui compon e une empre in te
d‘
lmpreeeion oud'
i lluetretion . eoi t pe r to second
plet. eelon le cee. Toue lee eutree eeempleirec
or i g ineuxt eont fi lmee en commencent per le
prem iere peg e qui compon e une empre inte
d‘
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illuetretion et en termment pe r
le derniere pege qui comporte une tofie
empreinte.
Lee certee. plenchee. teb leeux . etc peuvent etre
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Loreque lo document eet trop grend pour etre
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de l‘
eng le euperieur geucne . de geucne e d ro ite.
et de heut en bee. en prenent te nomb re
d‘
imegee neceeee ire . Lee dieg remmee eui vente
i lluetrent lo methode .
FOR EWORD
This little play ,“ I Can ’ t Afford It has an Ontario Farm and Villag e
Setting , and is sug g estive of many of the problems and necessities ofcountry life. It was composed chiefly for use in country places, no elabora testage equipment being necessary. The parsonag e scenes require nothingmore than the furniture of any averag e parlor, while the players are leftentirely to their own w isdom as to how the street scenes may be set. Thisleaves room for the exercise of their own initiative in the matter.
The play has plenty of g ood healthy and c lean humor. a pretty li ttleromance , an averted trag edy , as well as many other homely touches ofcharacter. None of these however are overdone. Nevertheless in itself itis only a jumble of wm ds . The players must make it live ! The object ofit is to deve .op the dr ama t ic element in our rura l y oung people . so that yoursuccess or fa ilure w ith this or any other P lay w i l l depend upon You. Characteri zation is everything in the drama .
Sug g estions along this line a re g iven throug htout the play but the
g reater part of it is left to the players themse lves . First stick to thelanguag e of the manuscript, second , make the lang uag e your own. and third ,learn to be free and easy in the presenta tion of it. The play has been g ivensevera l times , and w ith g reat success Here ’
s hopir g for yours ,
JOHN R . PETERS . B . A .
CASTE
Mark Farmer
John Farmer
Mrs . Farmer
Ang elina Beaver
R ev . Thos . Whyte
Mrs. Whytel
Biddy McPha i l
Andrew Bonehea i
Mrs . Bonehead
Bi lly Bonehead
Jim Coulson
Harry Coulson
Mirandy Coulson
Jim Hartley Col leg e friend of minister
Eliza Gathup An old maid w ith col leg e education
Time 2l hours .
A farmer
H is son
His Wife
A g irl about 14
Minister
H is w i fe
An Irish g irl
A farmer
H is w ife
Their son
A farmer
H i s son who acts as Postman in Act l l
H is w ife
I CAN’
T AFFORD 1T
ACT I
Personae— Mark Farmer ; H is son, John Farmer ; Angel ina Beaver .
Scene— Father and son hoe ing in a field ; father dressed in patched
overal ls, flannel shirt w ith neck open and sleeves rol led up; old
felt hat , long top boots if ava ilab le. Son in any lig ht colored
shirt, straw hat , buster trouser s, old shoes wi th holes in toes , orotherwise delapidated. Father w orki ng some distance ahead of
the boy . Father , hoeing leisurely , occass ionally w iping the
prespi rat ion from his lrr ow w ith red bandanna handkerchief.
Son— ( after some time elapses ) Say , Dad !
( Father does not answer at once. )Son— Say , Da-adl
Father — ( turning around leisurely and spitting on his hands ) What
i s it son ?
Son— How many acres did you say yesterday we had in this farm ?
F .— A hundre d and s ixty , more or less . Why what do you want to
kn ow for ?
( Son does not answer at once ; both g o on hoeing silently for a
few moments. )S.— Wel l say Dad, how much did you sa y your wheat and corn would
bring you this year ?
F .-oh , I dunno
'x actly , mebbe two thousand er so; why , what d
’
ye
w ant to know for ? ( Son does not answer for a few moments. )S.
— ( Leaning on hi s hoe ) Wel l say Dad, didn’t you say this farm
w ould be worth about fifteen thousand dol lars some day ?
F .-Wo
’th nig h onto that now son , I reckon. They a in’t. no bette r
bit 0’ land in this county as I know s on. But then , never nun'
that now ; get busy son , an'keep that hoe ag oin
’ or y e won't own
noth in’ when yer as old as y er fa-ather.
S.— Wel l say Dad, if you own this farm and its worth fifteen thousand
dol lars and you’ll g et two more thousand for your wheat and
corn , why couldn’t we g et an automobile , l ike Mr .
F — ( fi ercely ) H ey ? What’s that you say ? Get an automobeS.— Why yes , just l ike Mr
F .— ( putting his hoe on the g round ) Now that
's enoug h . my son , y e
kin stop r ig ht thar. I a in’t ag oin’t'
get one o’ them shootin '
th ing s to scare all the horses in the country , and make a fool 0’
my boy , see ? And anyway I can’t af ford it.
S.— Weli Mr. Beaver’s have g ot one and it a in’t made a fool 0’ their
boy Dad. Clarence Beaver is a lrig ht, isn’t he ?
F .— Don'
t know nothin ’ about the led. Hopehis father anyhow , or else he a in‘t much.
more sense than the law al lows , an' he d
hi s money, for he ain ’t got any .
S.— Wel l I heard Hank Beaver say at the post office
quite a lot of last years crop in hi s auto. andwas a g ood thing to do.
F .— ( flour ishing his bandanna handkerchief )l ike enoug h he d id ! Somethin
’ l ike the way old Hankspend hi s money . He
’s everlast in
’ makin’ investments l i
Why Hank g ive two hundred dollars to the buildingchurch down tharf an
’he tried to make me bel ieve
never missed'
the money. I ast him what he 'spected to do
h is ole'age, a-g ivin
’ money away that way , when he g ot nothin’
fer it, and what d’
ye suppose he sa id.
S.— I dunno, what did he say
?
F .— ( sm il ing sarcast ica l ly ) He sa id he guessed if a fellar done h i s
dooty by the Lord he wouldn’t suffer in his ole ag e. Ha , ha , ha !
S.— Wel l our Sunday School teacher told us that too , and she says
that that's what the Bible says .
F .— Hey ? It do eh ? Wel l mebbbe it do sonny , but they a in ’t but
mig hty few people as bel ieves it , lemme tel l you .
S.-Wel l it looks l ike Hank bel ieves it, for he pa id it a l r ig ht, and now
he has h is auto besides and a in’t none the w orse off.
F .— He ha in’t eh ? Well I guess I know bet ter nor that, scn . Why
they had to come an' borrow $ 2000 from me to g et the th ing
finished , at si x per cent. interest. They wanted to have r 'adin '
rooms and parlor and k itchen and penny and I dunno w hat all.
( sig hing ) Wel l , tha t may be al ri g ht to have such thing s, but ita in't rny stvle.
S.— Wel l they t id it all back , didn
’t
F .— oh y e s, they did. And what's more, I used them r ig ht when they
pa id me. The interest came to forty dollars and fifteen cents ,and bein’ it was fer the church , I threw off the hul l fifteen cents
because I wanted to show ’em that I could be decent when I
l iked , too.
S.— Wel l anyw ay , if we had an auto l ike Beaver ’s, mother and
El i zabeth could learn to drive it , l ike Mrs. Beaver and Ang eli na ,
and we could all g o out for a. dr ive in the even ing s , after our
hard day’s w ork. Hank says it keeps them in g ood hea l th, and
he would rather pay out money for a car than for doctor’s bills
or hospital bil ls.
F .— Huh ! Yer mother
’
s too busy to be gaddin’
around the country
efter night. So's yer sister ! If Hank Beaver‘s w ife and gal
on do it. that’s Hank’s bus iness , see ? But yer mother has had
to work too hard for her money to spend it on a shooti r'
bus to ged ebout w ith , a-g ettin’ into trouble with her neig hbors.
And anyway, son, I can’t afford it , so ther l (Goes on hoeing .)
S.-Wel l surel y youcan afford it as wel l as Beavers, Dag they
F .— (ang r ily ) Now don ‘t mention Beavers to me ag ain John ; the)!
ain't no fr iends 0’ m ine. Hank an
’ I don’t speak, an’what
’s
more I won’t be seen speak in
’to none of them. They ’re poor
S.— (breaking in suddenly ) Sh-h-h l There
's some lady coming across
the field ! (Both turn in the direct ion o f the visitor . )S. by , hello there Ang el ina ! Where an . vou bound for ?
( Farmer turns around sharply and ! w is at her in amazement.
Stands with his hands on hi s hips ace thr oug h h i s arm. )Angelina— Good morning , John . (Sm i les at Farmer ) Good morning
Mr. F. ( Farmer does not answer, but continues star ing . )A.— My , isn
’t it awful warm today. Real ly I 'm nearl y w il ted. Mother
and I have been sitting over there on the road in the car , and inthe heat. You k now I g ot a tack in my, tire and I ca n ’t g et itoff mysel f to fix it, and I have been waiting for some man to
come along to help me out w ith it. I wonder if you’d be so kind
as to help me a few m inutes , John.
John— Sure, Ang el ina, I’l l be del ig hted to— ( throws down hi s hoe and
starts to walk off w ith her . )Farmer— Eh ? Wat’s that youafter , sissy ?
A — Why , my tire i s p irctured Mr. Farmer , and all I need is a l ittle
hel p to get it off I can patch it.F .— Ye do eh ? Wel l I
'll just g ive ya to understan’ that I don't
keep no publ ic g arbag e roun' hereA.
-You don’t keep what , Mr . Farmer
F .— ( roars) I say I don’t keep no public garbag e — don 't y e hear ?
A .— You mean youdon
’t keep a publ ic g arag e, Mr. Farmer,F .
-It's all the same to me sissy , whatever ye
’ve a. mind t ' call it.
John here has g ot all he kin do to hume,’ithout wast ia ’ hi s t ime
a-fool in ’roun' the road , a-tinker in
’w i d auto moby les fer other
folks. (Tur ns away slow ly and proceeds to hoe ag a in. )John— But it w il l only take a few minutes, father ; I
’l l be back r ig htaway. (Winks at Ang el ina . )
F .— M inutes or no minutes, son , you jest pick up that
’ar hoe an
’
keep up w ith me here. Yer time’s too precious to be fool in’
roun’ workin’ for neighbors fer nothin’
; I can ’t afford that. D’
y e
hear ? Nr. v get busy. (Goes on hoeing . )
you g o ing , Ang eli na ? (Talks low ly to her . )A .
— ( low ly ) Why mother and I were g oing out co llectinfor our new community bui lding . And we wantk itchen in the church, and build the new athletic bui lding , w i
reading rooms and all that. Father sa id he was too busyattend to it today , so we sa id we’
d go in hi s pla c
e.
J — New athletic bui ldin eh ? Say , that wi l l be dandy , w on’t it.
A .— I shou ld say so. All kinds of g a mes, ins ide and out , and a ne
sw imming pool , John .
J .— Gee ! That w i l l be g reat ! Say A. why not hi t Dad up for s
th ing for that. I w ant to be in on that , I sure do.
A .— Why I intended to ask him , John. But I ’m afra id to no
he seems to be awfu l cross about someth ing . Cou ldn’t you do
for me ?
Farmer— Hig h ! Get that hoe a-g oin’tha t son ; g o in
’ to blather aw ay
the hul l forenoon .
( John quickly sta rts to hoe , pretends to be working di l ig ently ,w hile w a it ing for F
’s. back to turn ; then he quits and ta lks ag a in
to A. ) i
J .— ( leaning on hi s hoe ) You ask him A . Tel l him I want it and I
think he oug ht to g ive a hundred dollars. And say , I’l l s l ip up
to the house for a drink and w hi le I ’m there I ’l l sl ip around and
pu l l your tire off. You g o and ta lk to him and take up hi s
attention so he won’t miss me, see?
A.— ( joyously ) Oh John you
’re a hero. Go ahead and I’ll do my best.
John g oes. Ang el ina g oes up to Farmer and beg ins to flatter
him.
A .—My this is a fine crop of roots you have here, Mr. Farmer.
F .— ( staring at her suprised ) Eh ? What ’s that ?
A.— I say this i s a fine root crop you have, isn
’t it ?
F .-H o-oh ! Yes , putty! fa i r, consider in
’the wea ther bein’ so dry.
A .— It i s rather dry , just now . But then father says that dry weather
i s best for the corn , so that wi l l make up for it. “Everythingcarr ies its own. recompense w i th it ,
! Mr. Farmer. Tha t’s what
Mr. Whyte, our minister sa id last Sunday. Do you know Mr.
Whyte ?
F .— Oh y es , I know s him a l ittle. But what does
.he know about corn
and dry weather ?
A.—oh wel l I don’t mean to say he was ta lk ing about corn w hen hemade that sta tement. H e was ta lk ing about our di sg u isedb lessing s, I be l ieve. Al l thing s w ork tog ether for g ood , you
know .
F .— ( shortly ) Spring was, too wet for corn ; it a in’t doin ’ much.
( Beg ins to hoe. )
A.— Yes, it w as a wet spi rng . But father says it didn’t hinder thefarmers much around here, as they nearly all had ti le dra insthro the ir farms . I suppose you have your farm dra ined ; they
say it pays wonderful ly wel l .
F .— It
’s al rig ht fer tha n as thinks that way sissy , but I can’t
afford it.
A.— (aside ) Gra cious me ! What else can I ta lk about ? (Peers off
in the distance ) I do w ish John w ou ld hurry and g et that tire
off. Let me see. ( ponders ) Ar e those your cattle over there,Mr . Farmer ?
F .— I be l ieve so, mi ssy , I bel ieve so.
A.— What a lovely herd ! You must make g ood money out of them
now s ince butter and cheese are so hig h.
F .— It
’s ha rd w ork m i lk in ’ them ten cow s , and a-feedin
’ on ’em , I
w ant to tel l you. A f el low has to be up w ith the sun in the
morning and keep a-g oin’
all day , t i l l nig h onto the middle 0’the
nig ht , t’
g it any thin’done. Can ’t make money an
’
g ad roun’the
country , I want t’ tel l y su.
A— Ch no , but then that’s the w ay a ll our g reat bless ing s come to us in
th is life, Mr. F . , by just pla in hard w ork , you know . And beside ,w e oug ht not to forg et that the g reatest g ood one can do in theworld i s not to make a lot of money. We have £0 have somepleasure to br ig hten up our toi l
'
as Mr . Whyt e says. And by the wayMr. F. that just rem inds me that you w i l l be interested in what weare tryi ng to do. You have a son and a fine daug hter, E l izabeth ;so now w e are work ing hard to see if we cannot make the country
life a l itt le easier for them and much more attract ive. You
know w e have very few advantag es in the country for p leasure ,or g ames or anything l ike that. So we w ant to fin i sh our kitchen
in the chur ch and then put up a new athletic bui ldi ng , and
community ha l l for the young people, where they can spend their
evening s in reading , or sw imming , or writing , or music and so
on . It w ould be a g reat help to them after thei r har d day’s w ork
you know , or in the wi nter t ime , w hen they have a l ittle moretime on their hands. Wou ldn ’t you l ike to help us Mr. Farmer ?
F .— ( staring wi ld ly at her and holding up h is hoe ) What in thunder
are ye g ivin’ us now , sissy ? Bui ldin
’somethi n ’
e lse new , eh? I
suppose so ! Never kn ew Hank Beaver yet when he warn ’t
mixed up in buildin ’somethin ’
er’nother. I
’x pect yer father
’ll
be bui ldin’ ha iry-planes next , er some other .fool thing .
A.— Oh father isn ’t the only one who is doing all this . All the
neig hbors are ex pecting to help w ith it, for they w il l all
benefitted , Mr. Whyte saysF .— (breaking in sudden ly ) Hang me, what d
'
ye think I care whatbloomin
’ preacher says He ain’t nothin’ t’ me, I want t’
you. It's alr ig ht fer him t
’ ta lk , that’s what he’s paid fer !
money then he’l l be doin’ some g ood and
if I ’m not sick listen in’ t’al l this stuff
body. All h-he’s a-doin’ is i s sittin’ in
out how he can g it a little more money out ofl ike the rest 0’ them fel lars as has nothin’ else to do !
A .— Wel l he cer ta inly has a toug h job on hi s hands g ett ingsome of them , Mr. Farmer. Father has been asking s
I know for money for the church for years now , and
get a cent outout of a stone. But then I don’t know but that Mr. Whyte is
to do the very thing you say he oug ht to do. He i s try ing tohelp y ou be a better farmer, and g row better crops , and makemore money , and g ive you more comfor ts .
F .— ( fiercely ) How
’s he g oin
’ t’ make my farm better, I’d l ike to
know ! What does he know about it anyway ! Is he a-g oin’to
g row better crops by bui ldin’some fool sportin
’ house an’a pond
hole fer the kids to waste their time in , an’all that ?
A.— (quietly ) Yes, sure.
F .— What fool ta lk ! How ’
s he g oin’ to do it ?
A .— Well by making thing s a lot better and healthier for the boys
and g i r ls on the farm , and making th ing s more attract ive for
the young men and women , so that they w i l l not need to g o to
the city to find all their pleasures. Then they wi ll stay at homeon the farms and help their fathers and mothers wi th the heavy
w ork, see ?
F .— ( cool ing down and shaking hi s head in di sg ust ) Wel l , well , wel l !Have I ever come to this ! Such fool ta lk I never heard ! Wel l ,sissy , I haven’t any more t ime to waste on you today , so
A .— But John thoug ht this w as a fine idea . He was very much
taken w ith it , and he thoug ht sure you w ould g ive us a hundred
dollars at the very least
F .— ( loudly ) John be hang ed w ith hi s hundred dollars ! I wonder
who’s boss 0’ my money
A.— But surely you w i l l g ive us something , for the sake of your son
and daug hter, Mr. Farmer, they sur ely deserve
F .— ( louder sti l l ) Si s , I won’t g ive y e nuthi n
’
, d’
ye hear ? I can ’t
afford such fool trash ! ( Slams hoe on g r ound. )
CURTAIN
ACI‘IIA CENE I
Personach R ev . Thos. Whyte ; Mrs. Whyte ; Biddy McFai l, the Irish
g irl ; J im Hart ley.
Sccn e— A m in ister’s home. The m inister and hi s w i fe, R ev . Thos.Whyte ,
Mrs. Whyte. Minister sitting in h is study , opens a book and
beg ins to read.
Postman— (enters and hands him some letters) Good morning , Sir !
Minister— Good morning . (musing ) Wel l I w onder w hat’s new this
morning . ( sorts over the letters ) There i s the usual fl ood of
advertisements I see. Invitations to buy a lot of new clothes,too , I notice. Thi ng s I cannot afford. Here’
s one from our
new clothing house in town. ( reads )“Just arr ived ! A ful l new
l ine of Men’s furnishing s, of the very latest styles and most
popu lar pr ices. Greatest barg ains ever offered in the town .
Here are a few of our g row ing stock of men’s necess it ies, caps
hats , co llars, cuffs, neckt ies, shirts, braces , underwear, trousers ,vests , coats, overcoats , mack intoshes, spring suits and overcoats ,shoes, socks , rubbers, g arters , laces, co l lar buttons , cuff buttons ,studs , cuff l inks, I suppose that et-cetra means a host
of other art icles too numerous to mention. Gracious me, it is sur
pr i si r g w hat a multitude of articles it tak es to dress a fellow these
days. One would wonder where they sti ck them all onto a man ,
anyw ay. Then , this isn’t saying a nything about the money one
needs to cope w ith this cost of hig h l ivi ng . ( throw i ng the paper
on desk ) Well , Baker and Co., I’m afra id your adver tisement is
l ost so far as I am concerned. I haven’t any way of corneringthe market on my g oods . so tha t there i s no possibi l ity of me ever
being a mill ionaire. For whi le everything else i s g one up inprice ta lk i s just as cheap as in the days w hen Adam sang loveditties to E ve. (w ife enters from behind him , he does not noticeher ) Talk ! Talk ! Ta lk ! All kinds of ta lk, poetic, dramatic,prosa ic , prcphet ic, phi losophic , leg a l and just ordinary ch it
chat ! It’s a mig hty poor commodity on the market these days.
Poor in more w ays than one ; firstly it doesn’t pay very g reat
di vidends ; secondly , people can take larg er doses of talk w ithout
affect ing them than anything else in the w orld ; thirdly , it’s
chi efly a w oman’s commodity rather than a man ’s , for who can
res ist the super-eldquence of a w oman , when she g ets in earnest ?
As for man— wel l , he has to say a certain amount anyway ; he’d
die if he couldn ’t , so they let him ta lk to keep him a l ive and en
joy hi s company. But when a w oman beg ins to ta lk, the whole
world l istens, and the newspapers marv el upon her clevernessMrs. W.
— (break ing in ) Thanks aw ful ly , hubby ! That’s quite a com
pliment you are paying to your wi fe’s sex . Rea l ly now , you can
be honest about the Women folks when you li ke, especia l ly if y outhink there aren ’t any around and you are not committ ingyourse l f.
Mr. W .— Oh , hel lo, Margaret , I
’m just reading my correspondence !
Mrs. W .— Co rrespondence ! That ’s queer corr espondence. Why who
ever had occa ssion to wr ite such stuff as that to you ? I think
I ’l l have to investig ate this.
Mr. W . passing the adver tisement o ver to her ) Great barg a ins on innew ha ts down street, w i fe.
Mrs. W .— Oh, I see ; then I suppose that i s the w oman ’s commo dity
you w ere ta lking about , was it ?
Mr. W.— Par tly ; but I have made up my mind to do something else.
I have decided to leave this preaching busi ness to you , Marg aret.
You ’re a lot better ta lker than I am and I ’m convinced that ta lking is more in a w oman ’
s l ine anyw ay . Then I ’l l go at some
thing else in w hich I can keep my mouth shut and earn more
money. Surely between the two of us we can earn enoug h for
our o ld age.
W ife— H a , H a , H a , Tom g ood for you. Say Hubby , y ou are a
g enuine woman’
s hero. I’
m sure the Housew ife’s L eag ue wi l l bedecor ating y ou w ith an Iron Cross or a leather meda l , for g iv ingyour w ife such a pref erence. But that’s just a man over ag a in !
If a farm er can ’t mak e his hens lay as wel l as pay , he g ives them
over to his w ife. L ike Deacon Ba i ley ; did you hear w hat he did ?
Mr. W .— No , w hat
’
s the Deacon been doing now ?
Margaret— Well the Deacon had a l itt le pi g that he thoug ht was g oingto die, he makes h i s w ife a present of it,—
“to have and to hold
from thi s day forward, for better for w orse , for richer for poorer,in si ckness and in hea lth ! , but especially in sickness. Poor Mrs.
Ba i ley , l ik e a lot of other women , w as g lad to g et a chance
to g et a l ittle pocket money , so she g ot tha t pig i nto a
place by i tsself , sa t up nig hts w i th it , fed it, tended it , kept it
clean and comforta ble for eig ht long months and then when it
was all sleek and fat and round and ready to put on the market ,di dn ’t pork take a ra ise to $ 20 a hundred and wha t do you think
old Ba iley did ? H e w ent and sold his w ife’s pi g to pay his
threshi ng bil l , and she never saw a cent of the money.
M in ister — (earnestly ) Is tha t so ? Say Marg aret which w as the
big g est hog , the one that w as sold , or the one tha t w as doing the
sel l ing ?
Otherw ise would be g lad to be recom mended to first-c lass hotel
or board ing house. Expect to arrive to-morrow Jim.
What do you think of that , Wife ? It’s J im Hart ley , my colleg e
chum , you’ve hea rd me speak of h im.
Wife— Yes, T om , but what in the w orld i s bring ing him to this l ittleburg for the summer ? Dear me. he must be looney. or dyspepticor some other horr id thing .
Min ister— H e i s no doubt looking for a quiet place to rest and g et
fresh a i r . Do you think you can keep him , Marg aret ? I have
no doubt he w i l l be w i l l ing to pay w el l for h is board for Jim is
wel l f ixed and I say , Marg aret , y oucan have all you make out of
him for Spending money . He ’ll be y wur inva l id“pi g
"so to
speak.
W ife— B less you , Honey , w hat do I want w ith suc h and inva l id. I
don’t know but what I ’d rather have a real pig . H e wouldn’t beso particular and he w ould have to take what I g ave him w ith
out g rumb l ing .
Min ister— Oh , wel l , I don’t anticipate any trouble from that score ,Marg aret , Jim i s a g ood chap. H e has been boarding at b ig
hotels and hig h-toned eating houses for about four years and I
g uess all he needs is a l ittle chang e of a i r and surrounding s , andI know you w i l l be equa l to the board problem . Anyway he say) ;
here “if ag reeable!he w ould l ike to stay.
W ife— Well , Tom , you send him w ord at once that w e w i l l be g lad t
have him if he i s “ag reeable
!w hen he is here. ( aside ) Bless me
coming tomorrow at Here it’s near d inner time a lready .
I sha l l have to g et th ing s in shape for “his lordship I haven ’t a
thi ng ready y et.
CURTAIN
ACT II— SCENE II. Next day .
Minister— (musing in study stra ig hten ing up hi s desk ) The tra in is in
and I suppose d art ley w i ll be here in a few minut e s I hope hemakes himself ag reeable company. I would be sorr y to infl ict
him upon Marg aret if he i s s ickly and a kind of a gr ouch about
w hat he eats or drinks. H e used to be a fine hea lthy chap thoug h ,with an elephant’s appetite. The old boarding M issus in Toronto
felt all the time tha t J im was a losing proposition. H e ate so
much more than we puny , del icate chaps. But she couldn’t
resist his g ood nature. H e w as always br ing ing her mi lk
chocolates and candy. My g racious, I haven’t touched a sermon
for Sunday yet, and I have that meeting to attend tonig ht at the
school. ( door bell r ings) That’s Jim I suppose. ( goes to door,
pulls open but is very) much surpr ised ) Why, Good morning ,
M iss-ahLady— Good marnin' Sor. If ye
’d be so kind sor , I have a l ittle book
here I 'm shure you’d be plased to see throug h. I ’m not ax in '
y e ta buy, Sor , unless ye plase,.
but i f ye’d be so kind as to jest
g ive it a g ood recommend, it w ould g reatly assist me to sel l the
book, an d wi th you’re kind lave I ’ll come in and let ye examine
it , Sor. (Lady enters dressed in some character istic style.)M inister,— Certa inly Madam , come inside. Just be seated. What i s
the title of the book ?
Lady— It's a“History of the Great War
! if y e plase. (Handing it tohim ) It
’s a very i lligent book , by the besht authors, and the
latest photog raphs from the actual scanes of battle. (Minister
looks throug h ca refully. )M inister— H ow long have you been sell ing the book ?Lady— ( smi l ing ) Only since y isterday , if ye plase, sor . I came to
Toronto two days ago, and not know ing just what to do, I saw
this advertisement in the paper and sure I thoug ht I would tr yit as a means of earn in’
a l ittle money and scein’the counthry .
Minister— (after some examination ) Wel l it looks g ood to me, and I
th ink y ououg ht to do wel l w ith it ; by the way , yousay youcameto Toma to only a few days ag o. Where did you come from , mayI ask ?
Lady— Fr om Belfast , if y e p lase Sor. just landed at Hal ifax ten days
ag o.
M inister— And do you ex pect to stay in this country ?
Lady— ( smil ing ) I may have to sthay , Sor, and die here, unless I
have betther luck than I have been hav ing . Law Sakes, but thepeople here ar e as stingy as old Pat Shaney at home. He was so
sting y he died w id starvation— l iving was too expensive.
Ministers —And won’t the farmers aroun buy your book ?
Lady— Bless y e, dear sow l , they say ti . can t afford books. Why in
Oi reland we’d n iver thi nk 0
’say in
'
that any more than we’d sa y
we couldn ’t afford to drink pure wather. (Enter Mrs. Whyte. )M inister— Mar g aret, this i s a young lady from Bel fast , Ireland.
Pardon me, I don’t think I know y our name, Miss-ah
Lady— Me name’s Biddy McF a i l, if y e plase, Madam , and I ’m rea l
plased to make your acquaintance. Ye’r g ood husband has just
done me the fir st favor I ’ve received since I landed in this country
and I 'm shure I ’m much obl ig ed to yez both. ( r ises to g o . Door
bel l ring s. )Minister— That ’s J im l ikely. (Goes to door) Just be seated a minute
Miss MeF ail. (Biddy sits down. )Minister— (at the door ) Good boy , Jim. Come in. You're as wel come
as the flowers in May .
Jim— Thanks , Tom. I feel l ike a May f lower too, altho I’m near ly
wi lted w ith the heat. However, water is g ood for ! owers, so youean put me into the bath tub as soon as you please.
Min ister— Come in and cool off, Jim. Th is is my g ood w ife and
your new mistress. She’s a bit hard to g et on w ith , J im, but
she’s good natured to n ice look ing men.
Jim— (bow ing and shaking hands ) I’m happy to meet you Mrs. Whyte
and I qu ite apprec iate the r i sk you took when y ou ag z eed to be
housekeeper for this chap. ( pointing to Tom. ) But I understandsomething of a w oman’
s pluck, but— ( stops shor t on g etting a
l ook at Biddy. )M inister— This is a lady fr iend from Ireland, J im . Just dropped in
this morning . M iss McF ai l- Mr. Har tley.
Biddy— ( cour tesying ) Plased to max! y e, sor .
Jim— (del iberately ) H ow do-o-o, Miss McF a i l. ( i s struck by her fineappea rance and they both exchang e g lances and appear very
much embarrassed . )Biddy— If y e plase, Sor , I
’ll be g oin
’now . Many thanks for your
kindness , Sor , andMrs . W .
— Wel l say , have you any eng ag ement for di nner Miss l-IcF a i l.
Biddy— No, Madam , I haven’t , but I wouldn
’t care to intrude upon
y er company now ( tak es another g lance at J im and he at her )and I think I better be g oing on about my business.
Mrs. W .-Not at all . You are welcome to stay for d inner, and by the
w ay if youhaven’t any other task I
'
d be g lad of your hel p for afew days in my sew ing and housew ork . I am a lone and w i l l payyou what you think i s r ig ht and g ive you a chance to look aroundfor another position, if you w ish. Make your home w ith us
while you do your canvassing .
Jim That ’s talking business now , Mr s. White. T om , you’
d never
have thoug ht of that. ( S lapp ing him on the back. )B iddy -Oh, dear bless y e, it
’s pleased indeed I
’d be to earn a l itt lem o ney in any w ay for I
’
m not very wel l off and 3000 miles from
home and among sthrang ers , ( breaks down and cr ies ) i f ye only
g ive me something to do I’d w ork for me board unti l I can g et
some other posi tion .
Mrs. Whyte— That’s a lri g ht . don’t cry , dear . Take
‘
off your thing s
and sit down and rest a whi le, di nner wi ll be ready in a few
minutes. ( S its on sofa in study. )M ini ster— Be seated , Jim old chap, and lets hear all about the folks.
( J im incidenta lly sits down on sofa beside Biddy— Biddy moves
over bashfully.)
CURTAI N
ACT Il— SCENE Ill. Nex t day .
Scone-d im and Tom in M in ister’s study. J im is pacing up and down
and musing , incidenta lly asking Tom quest ions.
J im— I ’m very much interested in this new scheme you’re try ing to
put across here. Tom. It certa inly bespeaks new thi ng s for
your pa rt of the country . That community building is a g reat
idea.
Tom— Yes, i t’s a g ood scheme a l rig ht. Here are the plans for every
thi ng , school , play g rounds , sw immi ng pool , ag r icultural bui lding ,
tog ether w ith the church , parsonag e and teacher’s homes across
the way .
J im— Great. Why I should think that a mig hty g ood business prop
osition. The farm property wou ld g o up about six ty per cent.
w ith an inst itution l ike that around here . When do you hope tobeg in the construction w ork
Tom— At the rate we are g oing , about one year after Doomsday , Jim .
J im— Why , what’s the matter ?
Tom— The very thing w e need most we haven’t g ot.
Jim— Wha t’s that ? The site ?
Tom— No , si r , the money.
J im— Wel l isn ’t the country w orth it ?
Tom— Oh , yes. They are w orth fifty times as much as we need . We
a lready have ten thousand dollars suscr ibed by the merchants in
town here , on condition that we can ra ise twenty thousand more.
But there’s the rub . The farmers evidently don‘t see either the need
or the g ood of the thing . In fact I have kind of g iven it up as a badjob. They say they can ’t afford it even when the Government
offers to pay sixty per cent. of the first cost. And when a man
says he can’t a lford anything you can usua l ly put it down thatyour efforts along that l ine are about useless. They cla im their
taxes are too hi g h now , and of course this w ould boost them up
a l ittle more, so they reckon i t’s too expensive.
J im— But don’t they acknow ledge it w ould be a g ood thing for thecountry ?
Tom— Oh , yes they all acknow ledg e that, but then, they have the
money and I have not , so that’
s all there i s to it.
Jim— You worked this all out yoursel f ?
Tom— Yes, that’s my idea of a g ood hea lthy community centre. (J im
is silent a few m inutes , then paces across the room ag a in. )J im— Say Tom. this l ittle g ir l your w ife took in is quite a sensible
l ittle,woman , isn
’t she ?
Tom— She certa inly is, J im, and I advise you to warm up to her .
Marg aret says she i s a dandy housekeeper, clean and tidy , and a
first class cook. That’s just what youneed J im , a g ood cook .
Jim— Rig ht you are. But a fellow nee ds to kn ow a l ittle about a
g irl’s record before he ventures on any such schemes as you
sug gest.
Tom— Wel l she has a recommendation from a very fine home Jim , w ith
a r ider attached to it saying that she is at l iberty to return to
that home at any time. The name i s that of the Earl of Devon.
So apparently B iddy has been wel l connected and a g ir l of very
hig h social order. At any rate you can te l l tha t by her manner
and conversation . (Enter Biddy w ith book case. )J im— Well , M iss MoFa i l, what kind of luck did you have this morning .
B iddy— Very poor, Mishter Hartley , I’m afra id ; but if you please Mr.
Hartley , j i st ca l l me ,plain“Biddy .
! It feels more homel ike and
this i s the first homel ike place I 've been since I left Belfast .
Jim— Alr ig ht the, Biddy , and since we are nicely acqua inted now suppos ing you ca l l me J im .
B iddy— oh , bless ye, no. That w ouldn ’t be dacent in a g entleman’
s
house. No , no , Mr. Hartley , I'm only a plai n c luntry g irl , and
my poor mother taug ht me to know my place and keep it .
J im— Ah , but you’re in Canada now , Biddy.
B iddy —True, Mr. Hartley , but I must be a lady even if I were at the
north pole or in the middle of Afr ica. Shure I wouldn ’t di s
honor my father’s g ood name for the w orld by being so dis
courteous .
Jim— Wel l , I admire your courag e and g ood breeding , Miss McF a i l,
and I ’m sureBiddy— ( rai sing fing er ) Pardon me , Mr. Hart ley , B iddy.
Jim— I stand corrected , Biddy . But then I th ink w e can com prom ise
on this question a l itt le. You can ca l l me Mr. Jim . So you had
rather poor success today , Biddy.
B iddy— Yes, very poor— Mr .—J im
J im— Where did you g o on your canvass ?
Biddy— Out into the country among the farmers , and among the town
people.
Jim— And they w ouldn ’t g ive y ou an order ?
Biddy— Oh , y es, I g ot two orders from the fa rmers, one from Mr.
Beaver and I forg et the other man’s name.
Jim— I w onder if 1 could do better than that .
Biddy— You m ig ht , l’
d be g lad to have you try it anyw ay , if you w il l.Jim— I
’m hal f inclined to try it Biddy. What w i l l you g uarantee me
as a start on this job ?Biddy— A lot of hard looks and cross answers, that
’s all.
J im— ( sm i l ing ) That’s not saying much for your job, Biddy.
Biddy— I’m done w ith it Mr. J im. It
's ai sy to see I was never intend
ed to sell books for a l iving . (Throws down the case. )Jim— No. Youw il l have to first conv ince the folks that they need
."l l
' book then sel l it. But we can surely g et you somethingbetter to do , something more befitting your g ood sense and g oodstanding , Biddy. I ’l l take the ag ency for these books off yourhands .
Tom— You two are Making a ba rg a in now , remember. Be sure it
doesn 't g et deeper than mere ly sel l ing books , and besides I ’ml isten ing to all this chat , and w on’t a llow any bad barg ains inmy house, see.
J ins—Wel l Biddy ’s book here i s a barg a in too. I not ice it is quite an
intresting bit of w ork ( aside ) just l ike B iddy , ( aloud ) and I l ikeher , or it. Pardon me that was a sl ip.
Tom— No apolog ies are needed for the truth , J im , old boy .
B iddy— ( r ising shyly ) I think I 'l l g o now and help Mrs. Whyne g et
the dinner. if you'l l excuse me. Mr. Jim and Mr. Whyte. ( R i ses
and g oes out. )Jim— Certainly B iddy.
Tom— J im I ’m g oing down to the post office before d inner. I ’l l beback in ten minutes. You can enjoy Biddy’s history whi le I 'm
g one.
J im— Very g ood , Tom. (Alone , musing . ) Wel l those folks are g reatsouls ! Seems to me they are always thinking about how they
can i mprove matters for other people. Tom i s the same g ood
hearted sport he was at col leg e. and h is w ife i s a g ood double.
Thi nk of the way they t ook that l ittle Irish g irl into their home
that day . And isn’t she a g em of the ocean , too ? Thunder and
l ig htning ! I never saw such a pa ir of sparkl ing blue eyes in all
my l ife. She certa inly is a rea l Ir ish beauty , the kind one reads
about in books and mag azines and imag ines it’s fiction. Wel l ,
Sir, if I ever g et out of here w ithout g etting bew itched by Biddy’s
charms , I deserve to dry up and be cremated a l ive.
I can’t under
stand why she was ever dropped down into my presence unless
it w as to save me from being a crusty old bachelor. Gee Whiz !
Then look at these plans he has. ( Looks over plans. ) Any man
who would do that for a neig hborhood deserves the best they
can g ive him . Imag ine our firm doing a thing l ike that for its
men. ( Scratches his head. ) Can’t put it across, eh. Not money
enoug h. I wonder if I can put something over this bunch of
people to hel p this preacher out. li e needs it , poor chap, and so
do they. (After a few minutes thoug ht. ) I think I ’ve got an
idea . It may land me in ja il , but it w i l l be worth it for the funI g et out of it. Gee. here g oes ! ( Slaps hi s knee . Voice from
inside. ) Come to dinner, please.
CURTAIN
ACT II— SCENE IV. Scene w ithout words.
Scene— The stag e i s set to represent the parlor of the Parsonage w ith
a large settee in the centre. The best effi ct i s g a ined here byusing the
“spot-l ig ht
! thrown by any g ood mag ic lantern, by re
movi ng the projection lens and focussing the var i-colored rays
upon the settee. Biddy enters quietly from one side, dressed ap~
propr iately , w ith some story book in her hand and seats herself
leisurel y on the settee. Jim also enters, att ired in l ig ht summer
suiting and sits down quietly; beside her . Behind the scenes a
quarte tte or any number of s ing ers , sing s soft ly , w ith or w ithout
mus ic , the refra in on ly , of"
Love’s Old c o t Song ,
" dur ingwhich J im moves up closer to Biddy putting h is arm quiet ly
about her wa ist which Biddy shyly al lows him to do. As the
quartette sing s the last l ine of the refra in ,“Comes Love's Old
Sweet Song ,
" Jim takes a diamond ring from hi s pocket and sl i ps
it g ent ly onto Biddy's fing er, a l low ing it to sparkle in the spot
l ig ht, by holding it g ently to it’
s rays. In th is posture the curta in
Is drawn slow ly and l ig hts turne d on .
I f the lantern is not ava i lable , this scene may be ena cted in the g lareof the footl ig hts , but the author would strong ly advise the spot
lig ht effect , if at all possible.
LOVE ’S OLD SWEET SONG. ( Refra in . )
Just a song at tw i l ig ht ,When the l ig hts are low ,
And the g l imme ring shadow s ,Softly come and g o,
Th is old song may be purchased at any music store for a smal l
amount .
ACT I II— SCENE I
Scene— A vi llag e street. Two fa rmers meet and are talk ing , later
joined by se ver al more— Mark Farmer and J im Coulson ta lking .
M. Farmer— i t’s a mighty fine day , Jim .
of the first year, 60 per cent at the end of five y ears and w e
fully expect that at some time it w i l l yield 1 00 per cent. or more.
Jim C.—Thirty per cent. the first year, eh ? Gee w hiz ! That looks
g ood to me.
Andy— That’s a l rig ht for me , men , I tel l ye. I see the end of myslug g in
’around the old pig -pen and the old stab les and g rubb in
’
out a l ivi n’ on the farm any more. I ’m g oin’ to make my money
eas ier , you betcha ,
Mark F .— Wel l that ’
ar sounds g ood to me too. Where is this dumbusiness did y ou say Mister.
Hart ley— In Nevada , men . It’s a g old mine near a sma l l tow n about
the si ze of th is. That ’s not so far aw ay you know .
Jim C.— Wal, I a in
’t invested no money in my l i fe except on the fa rm
but g ee whiz , look how a fel ler’s g ot to w ork nig ht and day fer
h i s money on the farm . H e’s up in the marn ing at 4 o’clock and
g oin’all day t ill late at nig ht. I bel ieve in investin ’ in someth in
’
else. Gee whiz , there’s my brother-in-law ’
s cousin what use d to
l ive in a bit of a shack on Spraw l street. Now he’s l ivin ’ in a b ig
house on Humbug Avenue. Gee whi z , he never w orked hard for
hi s money. H e made it all in invest iu’ in g old mines and stock
yards er somethin’ l ike that he told me. So I think I ’l l put y e in a
few thousand, Mister, i f y e don’t mind anyw ay and
maybemore later.
Hartley— Very w el l , s i r , you can make out your cheque to me or t )
the order of the company ; the Manhood Development Scheme ,Sierra , Nevada .
Mark F .— I g uess I
’ m g ood fer another Mister. Did y er say
y er w as stay in’at the preachers ?
Hartley— Yes, I’m an old friend of h i s , and am spending a few weeks
here for my hea lth.
Mark F .— H e
’s a fine fel ler that preacher. H e
’s doin ’ somethin
’ fer
h i s country now , I cons ider. I hope y e w i l l come to visit him'
ag a i n somet ime.
Jim C.— Say I
’ve g ot a few friends in town today . If you stay here
I’ll bring them around too .
Hart ley—A lrig ht , Mr. Cou l son , I’l l be here at the hotel unti l five
o ’clock tonig ht. Then Mr. Whyte takes us out for a drive every
evening , so I’l l not be home.
Jim C.— We
’l l be there at four this afternoon. Good-day , !men . Imust g o a long and hunt the other fel lers up .
Hartley— Just come over to the hotel fir st , men , and you can make
out your cheques there. I have a room there w ith everyth inghandy .
All— Certa inly— come alongAndy B .
— Nuthin’ l ike try in’a thing anyway , men.
“Never venture,never w in ,
! that’s my opinion. (They all lea re the stag e.)
CURTAIN
Dur ing the interva l someone announces that between this scene and
and the next a space of severa l months have passed.
ACT I I I— SCENE II .
Severa l months later. E nter Jim Coulson and Mark Farmer from
opposite sides and address cash other.Jim C.
— Good marniu’ Mark. H ow a re you feel ing today l?
Mark F .—Oh fine . Jim , fine. I a in ’t felt better fer years than I be
ri g ht now . My w ife , thoug h , a in’t very w el l .
Jim C.— oh , that
’
s so? What is the matter w ith her ? Got the hin
fluenzie , Mark ?
Mark F .— No , don
’t think so. She’s been w orkin ’ pretty hard you
know . We have a lot of cow s and she has to he lp mi lk and make
the butter and take it to the market . Besides she had all her
own w ork to do in the house , so I think she i s a bit run dow n but
she w i l l g et over it I g uess .
Jim C.-H ad the doctor in to see her , Mark ?
Mark F .— No , it wasn
’t w orth whi le bring ing III a doctor fer all she
had; just a bit of a cold , I g uess .
Jim - Isn ’t E l i zabeth home now ? She oug ht to be able to help a
l ittle.
Mark F .-No, she a in ’t home. She sa id she didn’t l ike it on the farm
and w anted to g o to the city to w ork in the store. She sa id therew ere too long hours on the farm and she didn’
t l ike it. The g irlsin the city have only to w ork from eig ht o
’clock to five , and they
have the hul l evenin’ to g o out to the theay ters or the p ictureshow s or anyw here else they has a m ind to.
Jim C.—Yes, but g ee whiz , that soon spends the money , Mark. She
can ’t g o to the theay ters fer noth in’ lemme tel l y e.
Mark F .— No , but then she don
'
t pay fer it. If she did I wou ld soon
ra ise a hol ler, y ou bet y our best hat on that Jim . H a ! H a ! H a !
Jim C.— Then wh o does pay fer it ?
Mark F .— Why , don
’t you know ? Wel l I ’m s’
pr ised at you.
’L iza
beth i s quite a hansome lass don ’t you kn ow and sure there i s
a lw ays a couple of dudes hang ing round that’s anx ious to spendtheir money , and she m ig ht as w el l have the benef it of it as
anyone else. Yes s i r ,’
L izabeth’s a very handsome lass I w ant to
tel l you . She’s a pretty g ood looker. Yes si r !
Jim C.— I suppose John i s w ith you yet.
Mark F .— Yes he i s, but he wants to go to school ag in and h is mother
w ants it too , but I can’t spare him now . I can ’t afford it either.
It costs a heap of money fer eddication these days and I fer one
can’t see the g ood of so much of it. I didn’t need no eddication
to g et a long an dsee how I have g ot a long . I didn ’t have a dol lar
to start w ith and I don’t see why everybody else can ’t do the same
as me. This g oing to colleg e and g etting hig h-fa lutin’i s all a
bloom in humbug . ( Looking round discovers a lady approach
ing . ) Why who’s this a-com in ’ ?
Jim C.— (quietly ) It
’s
’L iza Catnup I g uess ; g oing to the store, l ikely.
Let’s josh her a bit Mark, j i st fer fun. ( Eli za enters from side
dressed in sunbonnet and some characterist ic dress, ca rrying a
market basket on her arm . ) Good day’L i za. (Feig ning sur
prise . ) Sure I hardly know ed y e , ye’re so spicked up.
Mark F .—H ow do,
’I .i za ; i s y
‘r hens a -lay in ’ these days ,’
L
Gracious me , you have a b ig enoug h basket , anywa y . Why don ’
t
y ou g et a man to help you carry that h i g basket ?
El iza— Why don’t I huh ! Because this get i s too much l ike a man
now , Mark Farmer.Jim C.
— Too much l ike a man H ow ’s that ’
L i za ? Gett in’ g rey w ith
ag e I g uess . H a ! H a !
E l i za— No but because there i s nothing in it. That ’s my Op i n i on of
most men I ever knew (Enters Andrew Bonehead. )
Al l— Good day , Andy , how'5 bus iness to day "
Andy— Great. Just g ot ord of a new find down yonder at the mmes ;they are g oing ahead fine. We
’re a lrig ht , men ; I have rented
my farm and am g oing down now to g et out my sa le bi l ls. No
more slug g in’fer mine !
E l i za— Wh y w hat’s this you ’re ta lking about now
Andy— Why didn ’t you hear,’L i za ? I thoug ht you
’d put some money
into it.Eliza— Money into what , pray ?
Andy— Why into tha t g old mine down in Nevada . It’s a sure thing
’
L iza ; you oug ht to invest a few hundred and g et a l ittle comfort
for your o ld ag e .
Mark F .— There ’
s thirty or forty per cent in it ’
L iza .
Jim C.-And we’re all in on it ’
L iza -most a ll the farmers are taki ngstock for a thousand or more. Let ’s see w hat ’s the name of it
now ? The Manhood Development Mine , dow n at Manhood , Nev
ada , that’s the name. Oh i t ’s a sure thing
’L i za and the ag ent
w hat ’s here, he’s a real g ent leman , sta y in
’at the preacher’s house.
Why he pa id for all our dinners the other day at the hotel hereand it cost him pretty nearly seventy -f ive cents.
Eli za — Wel l I declare I never saw men any better. You fellow s cer
ta inly have more money than bra ins. What did you say was the
name of it ?
Andy— The Manhood Development Scheme, of Manhood, Nevada .
Manhood , you see, is the name of the place nearest to the mine.
Eliza— It is eh ? Wel l i t i s a g reat p ity you fel low s can’t see some
manhood at home to develop . Why don’t you put your money
into something that wi l l be doing this place some g ood instead of
developing some unheard of p lace the other s ide of the g lobe. We
need a new school here for instance and
Mark F .— Aw to hang w id the new schoo l ; the old un is plenty g ood
enoug h for this place. I don’t see w hat they want w ith all this
new stuff in school now -a-days , anyway. When w e went toschool there w arn’t nuthin but readin ’, w r i tin
’
, and’
r ithmetic and
w e g ot a long w i th it. I don’t see what they want any more fer .
These people make me mad. Why don ’t they
J im C.— That’s what I say Mark. Instead of teaching the kids how
to make money now -a -days , they’re a-teach in
’ on em how to spendit , by gum !
Andy— It’s a fact , men ! My kids need more books in one year than
I did in my hul l l ife time. Why my school taxes last year wason a hundred acres. It
’s robbery I say ,
it’
s robbery !E l iza— Wel l you are a brig ht bunch of men I must say . (Pretends to
g o. ) I don ’t think I w i l l stop to ta lk to you. (Halts ) Say Mark
Fa rmer isn ’t your w ife sick ? I heard she w as .
Mark F .— Yes she i s a bit off co lor ; rheumatism I guess.
E l i za— That’s l iving w i th a man that thinks what w as g ood enoug h
for h is g r andmociner i s g ood enoug h for h i s w ife. I saw yourw ife the other day pu l l ing w ater up out of the wel l w ith a rope and
b ig bucket and down on her knees scrubbing that old p ine floor
in the kitchen where there are knots ha l f an inch hig h. I te l l
y ou I couldn’t hel p thinking of the chang e in that woman in
about 1 5 years . She used to be the finest looking g irl in these
parts , but now she ’s just an o ld w oman near ly bent double. It
’s
a w onder y ou cou ldn’t invest some money around home instead
of g iving it to some w i ld-cat scheme 3000 mi les aw ay . What ’s’L i zabeth doing now .
Mark F .— ’L i zabeth ? Why she’
s makin ’ more money than her father,’L iza . She ’
s a secretary in an office in the city .
E l iza— She mig ht better be at home hel p ing her mother and beingsecretary for her father. One of these days you’l l pay the under
taker all ’L i zabeth earns and a s ig ht more than she’l l ever save ,
to put her poor mother's bones under the sod. But that’s justthe way w ith some men. They'd rather pay funera l expensesany day than household expenses. That’s just the w ay ! Wear
out the old w i fe making money for the new one to spend.
J im C.— But then you can ’t blame the g irl for w ant in
’ to ea rn a l ittle
money ,’L i za ; my g irls want to do the same. They want fine
dresses and swel l c lothes and a pianny and I don ’t know what a ll.Let
’em earn ’
em , that’s what I say , let
’
em ea rn ’
em .
Eli za— Have they g ot to g o away from home to ea r n money , J im
Coulson ? Is that the w ay you bring up your chi ldren ? You mcn
oug ht to be ashamed of yourselves. If you’d have let wur boysand g irls earn a l ittle of that four or five thousand dol lars you
took out of their hides and put into that cursed g old mine , they’
d
have stayed at home w ith youand been the cheapest and most w i l ling help you
’ll ever have. Your w ife looks l ike a g raveyard g host
too. Jim Cou lson. just from having to help you a round the bar n ,
to save hiring a man .
Andy— Oh don'
t be too hard on’em they are try in
' to do their
best for their young sters you know .
El iza— Doing the i r best nothing . You fellow s think that a boy or
g irl isn’t any g ood if you aren ’t making money out of them . just
the same as you do out of your cow s and hog s. Even your w ives
are mere slaves . Helpmates , forsooth ! Wel l I thank my stars I ’m
not your w i fe anyhow .
J im C.— Se do I ,
’L i za , so do I !
Andy— You betcha ,
’L iza , you betcha !
El iza— That ’s al rig ht, too. And y ou can promise yourselves that if I
hel ped to make four thousand dol lars I sw ear I’
d hel p to spend
it too, and not in g o ld mines e ither. I’
d g et a few comforts for
mysel f around home.
Andy— ( ang rily ) Wel l ’
L i za , I never know ed an old ma id y et who
didn’t know more about bring in’ up a family than anyone else.
Can’t these fel lers do as they l ike w ith the ir money . It’s their
ow n business ,’
L i za , these fel lers has bra ins
E l i za— Now don ’t you g et sassy , Andy Bonehead, you have no room
for sass ; your conduct to your old father i s nothi ng to be proud
of,I w ant to tel l you . And if you have any bra ins they are about
as fmuch credit to you as a hole i s to a bag . You ’ve g one thro
about all your old father scraped and saved for hi s l ifet ime and
haven’t much to show for it either— not even g ood sense and g ood
bra ins , such as a g ood school ing mig ht g ive you. Here’
s our
minister trying hi s best to ra ise a l ittle money to make thing s
happier in the country for you people and keep your youngpeople from g oing to the city s o they can help you on the farm ,
but you fellows say you can't afford it , you haven
’t any moneyfor these thing s.
Mark F .— Neither we can ,
’L i za . I tel l you them blame building s
cost too much money , and I for oneE l i za— You oug ht to be ashame d of yoursel f, Mark Farmer. If your
old father had sa id that about the schoo l you went to and the
church where you were broug ht up , you w ouldn ’t have had the
bit of sense you claim to have r ig ht now , and you and your chi ldren w ould have been g oing around l ike miserable tramps, w ithouta shirt to your backs. But your old father and mother g ave a
$ 100 for that school and two hundred dol lars for that church ,because they wanted their chi ldren broug ht up in a Christ ianatmosphere , and they w orked a s ig ht harder for it than you ever
did. They wanted to be in a community w here they could haveall the pleasure they w anted w ithout g etting into s in . But all
you fel low s think about is saving money , and if your childrenaren’t w orking har dand making money for you , you think they
’re
fools. You don’t think they oug ht to have any pleasure at all.
I w onder tha t your old fathers and mothers don ’t turn over in
the ir g raves to think that they ra ised such 1 sons.
Andy— Now look a-here ,’I .iza Catnup ! I w on
’t ta ..c -nore of your
chin , d’
y e see ? Your old Dad never done nothin’ to blow about ,even if he was a deacon in the church ; and I don
’t see that we have
to take all this free advice from you . If ypur old Dad hadn’t g ive
so much to the church , mabbe he’d a had a few dol lars to leave to
you some day instead 0’ l ivin ’ on your earn in ’
s.
Eliza— My father i s l iv ing on my earning s because I l ived on hi s for
a g ood long time, as you did on your poor o ld father. But
father spent h is money on thing s that count most for h is children .
He g ave us all a g ood educat ion and worked hard to put us thro.
Today my two brothers own their own fa rms in the West , my
one s ister i s married to a farmer who know s how to work hard
and keep h is mouth shut. I ’m the only one at home i t’s true, and
I ’m taking care of my ag ed father as long as he l ives. Wh yshouldn’t I ? H e sent me to col leg e where I g ot an appreciation
for something larg er than s imply making money . I am try ingto do my best for my honored father and I thank the Lord every
day that he hasn’t a cent to show for hi s l ifetime of hard w ork .
‘\ll —Ye do eh ?
Andy— Gosh ’L iza , you make me swear in
’ mad.
Jim C.— Wel l you ’re welcome to your w ish ’
L iza , but not for mine.
Mark F .— Nice kind of ta lk that i s for a Christian , I swan.
Andy— Say’L i za , any woman as ta lks that way ha in
’t fit to belong tothe church as you do, an
’ lead the sing in’
El i za— How do you know I lead the sing ing , Andy Bonehead. Younever come to church to see . I ’l l just tel l you some thing else ,
while I ’m at it. I’ve been playing the org an there for seven years
and I’ve never seen one of you fellow s in church in that time. If
my father hasn’t any money !t o show for his l ife time of hardw ork, he has something else that’s more va luab le ; he has a clear
conscience anyw ay , and he ha s a family that loves him and w i l l
never see him want ; and my poor mother, who i s dead and g one ,told me herself many times that father never denied her anythingshe needed at. home. We always went to church and to Sundayschool and we a lw ays had plenty of g oo dbooks to read and plenty
of warm clothes to wear, and thing s to w ork w ith , and father w as
a Chr ist ian man who pa id 100 cents on the dollar every t ime , even
to h is church. I w ou ldn’t be heard w ishing my. father had more
money and less of the joys of l ife than he has . H e doesn ’t have
to w orry about h is money and he takes his g rea test pleasure in
h is chi ldren and g randchi ldren and — ( stops sudden ly and looks
down street ) Why look , who’s that coming ? ( Enter Mrs. Farm
er , Mrs Coulson and Mrs. Bonehead w eeping and mean ing , dress
ed in every day clothes , sunbonnets, etc . )Mark F .
— ( looking surprised ) Why that’s my w i fe. ( ca l ls ) What
’s
the matter, w i fe.
J im C.— ( g oing towards them looking troubled ) Wha t’s happened
Mary , anything w rong at home ? ( Both women cont inue sobb
ing . )Andy— Why thar’s my w ife too. How ’d you g et here , Mi r andy
‘?
Mrs. B .— ( snappy ) Came by a i ryplane l ikely . It beats me how y ou
men have so much time to spend humm ing around town , w hi le wewomen-folks have to slave away at home and g et nothing out of
it but humble pie and disg race on account of our husbands doing s .
I’ve just been down to cancel our sa le bil ls Andrew and I
’v e
notified Mr . Grayson that we w on’t sel l the farm , for I w on’t
sig n off.Andy— Why w hat’s happened , Mir andy . Humble pie— d isg race
Mrs. B .— Happened ? Why everything
’s happened. Do y ou suppose
Mrs. Coulson and Mrs. Fa rmer are crying their eyes out for your
amusement ? You men don’t deserve the love of a g oo dwoman .
J im— Wel l for g oodness sake tel l us what ’s the matter. We can ’t
Mrs. B .-Tha t’s rig ht, Jim Coulson , y oucan
’t. No you can ’t do anyth ing now , that
’s r ig ht. The money ’s g one now .
of it hissell’
.
Mark F .-That ’s about a ll them fel lers is g ood for anyway -sw indhn
the people out o f someth in’ or ’nother.
Mrs. B .—You needn ’t blame the pzc ache r for your own foo l ~hardiness.
No l ikely he know s anything about it h iself.Mark I“.— l( now s nothin ’ about it er ? Wel l we’l l see about that. I 'l l
g o rig ht now and g et the hul l bunch of fe l lers tog ether and i f wefind out where that chap is we’l l lynch him and if the preacher don’t
tel l us where he i s we’l l lynch h im too. Come on J im and Andy ,and we
’
ll hunt the other fel lows up. (Wa lks off stag e. )
CURTAIN
ACT lV -SCENE l.
Scene— Minister’s home as in Act I I. Mr. and Mrs. Whyte and Biddy .
Early morning . Minister moving about study.
Minister— What a g lorious harvest morning ! ( looks out w indm x )
Rea l ly these beaut i ful brig ht days w ith their sw aying fie lds of
g ra in , and the w onderful star -li t heavens at nig ht, a re the thing s
to ma rvel at. They are the th ing s that make one wonder w hy
an A l l-w ise Providence has been so kind to man . It is certa inlynot because man has been in any way des erving of H is b unt ies .
Think of all the eterna l machinery that operates fo r h i s b o nef'
t
and so far as v w know , for h is a lone. T he ea rth . the moon , th .
stars and all the other planets are kept w ithin the ir own pa rt icular
circle , so a s to w ork no i l l to man. For him the sun "CV L I’ cea ses
to shine , nor i s the dew or the ra in w ithheld. I w onder that
the thoug hts of men do not carry them back to these facts thata re so patent even to a chi ld. If men w ou ld put more reverent
thoug ht in their w ork how much m ore eas i ly they m ig ht put
themselves into direct touch w ith the Divine. T he Creator i s
next door neig hbor to every man , woman and child in the ! ingdom ; H is voice i s si lently speaking to men from the
blade of g reen g rass at h i s door-step , to the sta lw art trees of the
forest , and the b lack coa l of the mines. H e speaks thro the g r een
g rass of H i s present existence and pow er, thro the trees of h is
power of the centuries and throug h the mines of h is ag e longadn eterna l career. Every w orkm an , of whatever character,makes his bread and butter thro the product of a Divine Ha nd.
( S its down . ) And yet how comparat ively few people real ly know
that provident Father of All , even tho he l ives and moves and
oper ates before our very eyes, nearer than our nearest neig hbor( Enter Mrs. Whyte. )
Mrs . W.- ( surprised ) Now what ’s this you ’
re saying about your
ne ig hbors ? You had better be careful what you say , there mig htbe a l ittle bir dsomewhere about to g ive away your secret.
M inister— Yes that 's a fact . My tel l-ta le l ittle bird is usua l ly somewere near at hand. But I 'm not afra id of what she has to g iveaway this time. I was on ly rema rking to mysel f what a w onderfu l morn ing this w as.
Mrs. Why te- Oh yes , and perhaps it w i l l improve w ith a l ittle break
fast. It’
s a sure s ig n a man needs something in h is stomachwhen he g ets dreamy l ike that. (
‘
ome away , honey , by the way
isn’t J im down y et?
Minister— l haven ’t seen him. Hasn ’t he made h is appearance in the
dining room yet ? ( Enter Biddy. ) Biddy , hasn’t Jim shown up
yet?
Biddy— Not tha t I saw , Mr. Whyte.
M iniste r— He must be taking thing s serious ly this morning . Wel l ,we
’ll wa it a few minutes for him. (Mr s . Whyte sits down . ) Wasn ’t
he all rig ht last nig ht , Biddy.
Biddy— ( embarrassed ) Why-er -y es. I think he was anyw ay.
Mr. Whyte— Where d id you lea ve him , Biddy ? In the parlor ?
Biddy— Why , sure and I had er quite a hard time to lave him at all,
Mr. Whyte.
Minister— I suppose he w as paying you c lose attention , eh Biddy ?
Biddy— Why-er -yes, w ith specia l emphas is upon the “close. At least
w e weren‘t quite a thousand miles apart last nig ht.Mrs. Whyte— There , just as I thoug ht. I ’ l l venture to g uess that he
’
s
fa l len in love w ith our cook and g oing to stea l her away from us.
Why Biddy I didn ’t think that of you. Just look at that beautiful diamond ring . (Holds up B
’
s. hand. ) w hy Biddy you
a lw ays to ld me that men w ere your g rea test enemies .
Biddy— Wel l-er -of course-that’s thrue, but fa ith and I heard what Mr.Whyte read from the Bible last Sunday , and that I needed to
decide.
Minister— Wh at was that Biddy , I don’t remember ?
Biddy— Why you read in the Bible to Love your enemies and you
sa id w e oug ht to do it , even tho it w as the hardest thing in theworld to do, so you see Mr. Whyte, you
’re to blame.
Mrs. W .— And did you find it hard to do my dea r.
Biddy— (w aving her hands and s itting dow n ) Not in the la ist. It, w as
all done before I rea l i zed it .
Minister— Wel l I ’m afra id the shock w as too g reat for him , Biddy ,for he hasn ’t come down to break fast yet.
Mrs. Whyte— Wel l there we are a g a in hubby. Just our luck. Yourfriend has stolen your ma id-servant in g ra titude for your
friendship. Wel l B iddy , I cong ratu late you on your cho ice. I
know you 'll be happy dear for J im is a splend id fel low . Now
hubby I think you had better rouse him from h is romanticslumbers and tel l h im it is breakfast time , if he is able to eat.
M in ister— Wel l I ’ll do my best. ( G oes and knocks behind screen and
calls . ) J imfi l im— J im ( No answer. )Mrs. W . Open the door and g o in. Likely he’
s feast ing among the
fa ir ies. Too bad when a man g ets it a s bad as that.
M inister— Why , w ife , he isn’t here at a ll ! The bed hasn
’t even beendisturbed.
Biddy — ( shocked ; Not there at all Mr. Whyte . w hy whatever has
happened to him.
Mrs. W.— Took h is depa rture in a chariot l ike El ijah. 1 suppose
he'
s g one clean to heaven in h is rapture. Take another look’round , Tom, to make sure.
Minister— Wel l I ’ve looked in the bed, and unde r the bed , and over the
be d and can’t see any trace of him . (Mrs. W . and Biddy stand
facing each other. )Mrs. W.
- ( di sturbed ) Why what in the w orld ha s ha ppened ? Did he
say anything about g oing aw ay Biddy ?
B iddy— ( looking consterna ted and beg inning to cry ) N o, not to me.
Mrs. Whyte— Wel l don ’t cry , my dear. nothing serious has ha ppened
to him or w e w ou ld have found trace of it. Bes ides h is c lothes
a re sti l l there aren ’t they , Tom ?
M inister— Yes , hi s best suit i s there, so evidently he doesn ’t intend tostay away. But hi s c lub bag and suit case a re both g one. ( ! nock
at door. ) What’s that , pray ? Mrs. V . looks out w indow . )Mrs. W .
— Why , Tom , there‘
s a who le mob of men and w omen out
there. Whatever are they after "
(Mr. Whyte opens front door. Ca l ls from outs ide. ) Where’s
your friend Hartley. We w ant Hartley. H e’s a thief— sw indler
rog ue. ( Entre HarrysCou lson . )Minister— Why w ha t’s the matter, Harry . Wha t’s all the row about
outs ide.
Har ry— Matter ! Why preacher you talk as thoug h you didn’t know
anythi ng about what the matter i s.
Minister— Wel l it ’s just as you find me , Harry . If I can do anythingto help you I w i l l be g lad to do it , but you must first tell me
your trouble.
Harry— Wel l it a in’t g oing to be very pleasant for you Mr. Preacher,I can assure you . I think you ’d better pack your l ittle g r ip
and g et out of town for I can assure you the fellers don ’t feel
none too g ood about it.M in isters— About what, pray ? I haven 't mur dered anyone have I ?
I haven ’t stolen any money from you have I or
Harry-" You didn’t , eh ! Wel l you mig ht as wel l do the thing your
self as keep the chap around who d id.
M inister— Nowdooh here , Harr y .. l’m not g oing to be insu lted in my
own house by i yomorrany one else , and i f you don’t explain your
sel f ia three m inutes I ill ‘
gh e-ym some of my phys ica l christian
ity and you ’l l land outl idezthzt '
door . qui cker than l ig htening . Now
g et busy.
Harry— ( squirm ing round about apolog et ica l ly ar d looking sca red ) Ohwell don’t g et ex cited preacher , I didn
't mean anything ; but that
chap Hartley has ski nned out w ith all our money and a whole
lot more bes ides.
Mr. W ., Mrs. W ., and Biddy— Money ? Whose money ?
Min ister— How d id he get. your-money ? Didn ’t he g i ve y ou value for
it ? He was sel l ing ' books wasn’t he ?
Ha rry— Books ? I never heard him say anything about books . H e
soaked us over some bloom in ’
g old mine or other down in Nevada .
Mrs . W. and Biddy— (M en‘
A'
. g old mine ?
Biddy— Sure it’
s all bosh , Mr . Whyte. Thi s . chap has bug s in hi s
head. He niver mentioned g old -mind to ~us, did he ?
Ha rry— ( notic ing Biddy and star ing at her ) He didn’t eh ? Not l ikely
he w ould when he was g ett in’ his board for nuthin ’ at the
preacher’s house, (aside ; and w ith a g irl l ike that ar ound.
Minister— And is that why the crow d is g athered out' there ? I w i l l
invite them to come in. Who are they Harry ?
Harry— ( stammeri ng and g lanci ng at Biddy ) Why-er-ah-um-my Dad's
out there, madder’
n a hatter ’bout it, but then-w e l l-ah-oh I g uess
it ’l l be a l rig ht , preacher. ( Edg ing over to Biddy. )Minister— ( g oing to the door ) Gent lemen come inside. I want to
hear all about this affa ir. ( Enter Mark Farmer , John Fa rmer ,J im Cou lson , Andrew . Bonehead , Billy Bonehead , Mrs. Farmer
and Mrs. Coulson . )Minister— Come M Ladies and be seated. (The men make a scramblefor the cha i rs leaving the women stand ing . Bi l ly Bonehead and
Harry Coulson both make for the seat beside Biddy. Harry g ets
it. Biddy moves over . Harry tries to fol low . )
Ministe r — Now , Gentlemen, w hat’s all this trouble about ?
Billy Bonehead— Now , Dad, there’s your chance. Give it to him .
Andy B .— Wel l si r , we jest come round to find out what
’s happene d
to that fellar Hartley , what’s. been a l ivin ’ w id you ? You l ikely
know that he’s a sharker and g ot a lot of money out of us fellers
to invest in a g old mine out in Nevada.
Minister— I knew nothing of the kind . How much did he g et ?
Andy B.— He g ot about out of us altog ether and it was all
our hard earnin’s for a g ood ,
many yea rs.
Jim C.— ( sorrow ful ly ) Yes and here's our w ives here, jest when they
was plennin’ to g et a few comforts fer themselves , here somesneak of a sw indler comes a long an
' bea ts us out of it. I ’m sur
pr ised Mr . Whyte that y ou keep such a fel ler round you. You
m ig ht have known he wasn‘t straig ht and
Biddy— ( jumping up) Look here, mister, youjust be careful what yousay about our fr iend Mr . Hartley. Fai th and I never saw suchig norance in all me l ife. I wonder who you are that you come
into a g intleman’s house and insult him to his face. It
’s a mane
beast ye are, I can see that, or you’d g et up off your ha unches
and g ive your wi fe here a seat . Fa ith and a l ot you ca re abouther comforts. ( S its down some distance from Ha rry . )
M in ister— If you are so sure about the way I oug ht to have knownhim , Mr. Coulson , why didn
’t you detect him yourself and keep
your money in the bank ?
Jim Coulson— Wei , I supposed as he was a friend 0’ yourn he 'd b
Ministexh -No, si r , not even yoursel f. that’s rig ht. Wel l , men, I
'
m
sorry if any fr iend of m ine has done you any w rong . I ’m more
sorry for your w ives and children than for you. I know
something of what it has meant for them. But I have y et to be
convinced that Hartley i s the rogue you say he is. I ha ve known
him for many years and I know tha t if he ever wanted to g et rich
by false means he has had a thousand chances to do so. But henever would take advanta ge of any man that way , and I feel
certai n he is not g oing to dece ive you. He has been honest
almost to a fault. But I must po int out to you men that this i snothing more than you oug ht to expect . As far as I can find out
you men never had a dol lar to g ive to any g ood cause. You
couldn’t afford to g ive money for the church— the institution that
upholds honesty and truthfullness in all thing s. Our church work
in this section has been held up because you men w ouldn’t supportit , you said you couldn’t afford such thing s. Now when youfind yourselves vict imized by some dishonest schemer, as you say ,
you fly to me and try to lay the blame on me for your losingfrom to each. It doesn ’t seem to stri ke you tha t
you are just the victims of the very thing of your own support
and your own sympathy. All these years
Jim C.— (break ing in ) Wha t ! Do you mean to say we encourag ed
decent , but I see now that you ca n ' t trust anybody , not even
thievery and fraud round here, preacher? I ’ll have you a rrested ,
M ister, ferM inister— Be cool , Couls in. and let me fin ish what I have to say . If
you haven’t encoura g ed fraud a nd dishonesty -ia this sect ion , you
ce rta inly haven ’t done anything to discourag e it very much. You
let other people do that by lett ing them pay your sha re of work
of the church. You have discourag ed rig hteousness and held up
the g ood w ork of God so now i f youa re the vict ims of fraud and de
ccit you have no one to blxun e but yourselves. You cannot rob God
and g et away w ith it I te l l y ou.
(‘
oulson— I’
m g oin’ home. ( tome on
’
w i fe . Who ’s g oin’
ter l isten to
such bosh as tha t, and from a minister, too .
Ha rry— Never mind the money , Dad . We don'
t care very much about it
anyway . (M oves ove r nea rer to Biddy . Tr ies to attract her
attent ion. )
J im (‘
oulscn— We don ’t eh ? Wel l a t supper time you wa s ta lkin ’
about g ett in'
a automoby le , but now that fel ler’s g one and he’
s
g ot your money .
Harry— Huh , that’s a l rig ht. Dad. But I ’ve. chang ed my mind , by heck .
I hope he never comes back. (Moves a l ittle c loser to B iddy. )
B il ly Bonehead— We l l I know w hat w e’ l l do w ith h im if he ever does
come back. He ’l l never g et out o f this tow n al ive if I have any
thi ng to do w ith it .
Ha rry— Oh don ’t g et excited Bi l ly. H e won'
t show up ag a in don’t
you never th ink.
Jim C .—Wel l , preacher , if y ou know where he is i t
’
s the least you
m ig ht do to te l l us , so we cou ld send a detective after him .
Minister— Send a detective noth ing . H e hasn ’t been g one 24 hours
y et and you mig ht g ive h im a chance t o come back of h i s own
accord. I don ’t be l ieve my sel f that there i s any thing w rong . and
tha t he ’l l come back and make g ood, if you’l l keep your hea ds .
The fact of the matter is w e do not know any th ing about h im ,
and w e never knew he, w a s g one unti l ha l f an hour ag o.
Andy Bonehead— Wa l l , w e know our money ’
s. g one anyw ay , so w e may
a s w el l g o on about our bus inesr . We a in ’t g o in'
to g et anyw hereby stayia ’ here that ’s sure ,
and I k in on ly say Mr . Whyte that
you ’re a durn funny preacher— the funn iest I ever did see.
Minister— L ikely as not , Mr. Bonehead, but from w hat I know you
haven’t seen very many .n y our l ife-time . And m ay I add tha t
I think you ’re just as funny‘
a farmer. Perhaps your loss of
money w i l l add someth ing to your g ood sense so that it may not
be whol ly a loss after a ll.
Harry C.— ( jump ing up ) Wel l g ood-by e Mr; Whyte. (Holds out h is
hand . ) Pleased to have made your acqua intance. ( softly ) Don ’t
pay too much attention to Dad. H e’s not much of a spor t l ike
me. He never played footba l l or hockey in hi s l ife, so he don ’t
know how to lose very w el l , you know . But g ee w hi z I don ’t
car e a hang about that money , w e never had any use for it an ywayand Hartley mig ht as w e l l have it as anyone else. It was n o g ood
to us. ( ! eep ing eye on Biddy. ) So 1 don ’t g ive a continenta l ifhe never comes back. Good-bye.
CURTAIN
Announce interval of a month .
ACT lV— SCENE II .
Minister’s home as before . One m onth later. Minister in study
look ing troub led. Reading morning mai l .Minister— I w onder what th is day bring s us. Seems to me every day
for the last month has broug ht a fresh relay of trouble and d is
a g reeable rancour. I must confess I find it hard to keep sweet
these days w ith all the trouble and distress g oing around. There’s
Harper’s l ittle son a lmost drowned in the mi l l pond for w ant of
a better bathi -1 g place, and new young Hopk ins w ife i s to b
buried tomorrow throug h positive neg lect and the need of better
nursing , and Ned i s ta lking sent imental about it be ing the Lord’
s
w i l l and the strang e w ays of Providence and all that kind of
stuff, when it was nothing else than p la in , downrig ht ca relessness on h is own part. (Hits table infront of him in emphasis. )H e w ouldn ’t have a specia l ist or a tra ined nurse , because it cost
too much. Law me I ’m g lad that men l ike that a re few and fa r
between. If I w itness m any more cases l ike these I ’d be crazy .
Then there’s H ar i
'
i yfs case. No w or d from him since he left.I ’m afrai d my friend has proved a tra itor despite what Biddy
says. I w ish I cou ld bel ieve he i s as true as she thinks he is .
But I ’m afra id (Enter Biddy )Biddy— Any ma i l this evening , Mr. Whyte ?
Mini ster— None for you Biddy . sorry to say . ( Biddy s its down . )
Biddy— ( sadly ) I guess Mr. Whyte I’l l pack my thing s tonig ht i f you
don ’t mind.
Minister— Pack you thing s? Why , pray ?
Biddy— I thi nk I ’d better g o a long as I did before and try and makemy own l iving .
M inister— But you are w elcome to your l iving now Biddy. I w ish I
w ere wea lthy so I could make it better for you.
in your own hands th is w ay . (They all fo l low him to the door,some g o inside. )
Minister— Now Gent lemen , I’l l g ive Mr. Hartley the floor to expla in
himsel f.
Hart ley— Wel l for the l ife of me I don ’t know what I have to explai n
Gentlemen, or can I think what is the matter.Andy Bonehead— ( standing in front of him and looking fiercely at
him ) Aw , ye’re mig hty innercent a in
’
t y e , ye two-faced son of
Beel zebub— where’s that money (Biddy jumps from her place
and hits him . )
Biddy— Sit down there you murder in’ lookin ’ baste , s it down and be
dacent a nd g ive the g entleman t ime to spake can’t ye .
Cou lson— ( looking frig htened ) We l l s i r , w e w ant to know what ye didtMark Farmer— Yes , and where’
s that y e cheated me and me
fami ly out of, y e hypocr it.
Min i ster— I posit ive ly w i l l not a l low any man to insu lt Ha rtley in th i sw ay before he i s proven g ui lty . do y ou hear. Now not anc i h zr
w ord out of any of you and I’ll take charg e of him. Hartley
these men are concerned about the money you g ot them to put
into that scheme of y ours . Can you expla in it for them .
Hart ley— Why sure , I can g ive an account of every cent of it. It’
all in the bank here just as they g ave it to me and I’
m ready st i l l
to g uarantee them w hat I to ld them I w ould, if they’
ll do the r ig ht
thing . I haven ’t spent one cent of your money . I may tel l you
Gentlemen , tha t I don’t nee d your money to g et a l ong in this
W o r ld , I have plenty of my own that I g ot by hard w ork and
saving . I heard about w hat your min ister w as trying to put
across for your community and your young people and to make
thing s a l ittle eas ier for mur w ives and sisters and I found out
too that this w hole scheme w as held up because you fe l low s
wouldn ’t put your money into it. You sa id you couldn’t afford it .
But you w ou ld rather let your boys and g irls g o to the tow n and
to the city tow ork for somebody else and g et into all kinds of bad
company and run the streets w ith all kinds of evil-minded men and
w omen than do something to k eep them around you at home w here
you know where they are. They g o to the cities and ea rn a l ittleand spend more than they make at pi cture show s and dance ha l ls
and candy and other foo l ish w ays. They g o because they haven’t
any recreat ion or amusement at home except what they make
themselves and at their own expense. Then y oumen ra i l about the
city taking your hel p away from the farm . But now w hen you g et achance to do something to make country l ife attra ctive and
pleasant f or every body , you w ouldn ’t do it because it cost too
much money. But when some shark comes a long w ith a g o l d
brick scheme that prom ises y ou impossible th ing s , y ou ro l l your
money into it l ike flies crowd around a poison-plate. Some of
y ou fel low s w ould deserve to g et bitten g ood and hard if i t w asn’
tfor your w ives and chi ldren— they w ou ld suffer the most over it .
Andy Bonehead— Aw that 's a lrig ht for you to ta lk soft that w ay , you
pale-faced ( Biddy bound s for ward and shakes her fist at h is
nose. )Biddy— Don ’t y e dare say another w ord or ca l l the g intleman another
name or I ’l l Sc l atch y er old b lack eyes out d’
y e hear ?
Coulson— Wel l at any rate you prom ised us 30 per cent. the f irst
w ar , 60 per cent. the third or fourth y ear, now how do y ou
account for that "
Hartley— I did and I stand by my statement and if you don ’t be l ieveme read w here the Bible says tha t if w e g iveup anyth ing in th is l ife for the Lord
’
s sake w e sha l l receive an
hundred fold more in th is l i fe. Do y ou bel ieve the Bib le? New
I just w ant to say that every dollar you g ave me i s in the bankand I ’l l just hand it over to Mr .Whyte here and if any man w antsh is money back he can have it on one condit ion that is that he makes
the cheque out in h i s w ife ’
s name , to have it for herse l f and to
spend it as she l ikes. But I. hope t ha t y ou w i l l leave at least
ha lf of it for Mr . Why te to bui ld that new community bui lding and
have those new recreat ion g rounds and the sw imm ing poo l andp icture show s he i s t ry ing to put over and that your y oungpeople need. But remember the cheque is to be made out in
your w ife’s name. They a re to spend i t as they need it at home
or anyw here else, see ?
John Farmer and Ang el ina Beaver— (Jump ing up and shouting )Hurrah ! We
’re g oing to g et i t at last . Hur rah ! Hurrah !John Farmer— Say Mr. Hart ley , you
’
re a g entleman . I l ied to myDad the other day to help Ang el ina out when she w as co l lectingfor this business and I made up my mind that if Dad didn
’t help
out in this sw imming pool bus iness , I’
d sl.de out hi s best hog
next w eek and sel l it and g ive the money . But now i t’
s all jollyMr. Preacher. Mother
’
ll g ive me the money , w on’t y ou mother ?
Isn’t that jol ly , Ang el ina ?
Harry Coulson— Gee whiz , and I see where w e g et a car and the g irls
can have a new p ia no‘
in next w eek. H a ! H a ! And y oubet I’l l g et
some new tog s, too. Mother’
ll g ive us the cash I bet . Say
Gov’nor , I don
’t care if y ou soke Dad for a few more thousandsif you let us in on it that w ay . Gee whi z, but i f it don
’t look l ikeChristmas every day to me. Good-bye preacher, I
’ l l g o tel l the'
g irls. l’ll trust you to settle w ith dad. Good-bye. (ex it Harry .)
Hart ley— Gent lemen , here are the leg a l forms , you can settle th is
matte r rig ht here by sign ing over thi s money to your w i ves . Are
you ready to do it ? Here i s the cheque for the w hole amount Mr.
Whyte, and the bank book. New Gentlemen , who w i l l be first ?
Al l s i t st i ll for a few minutes making w ry faces. ) Who’l l be first
Gentlem'
Mark Farn1 er -Wal, seem’
as we has to do it , I suppose w e mig ht
just as w ell do it fust as las ’. ( Sig ns h is name. )
Andy Bon ehead— (beg inning to cry ) Boo-oo-oo, etc. I ’m ruined.
I ’m robbed in broad day l ig ht. Boo-oo-oo ( stag g ers to table )Mi randy never know ed how to spend money ’
ceptin’ on fri l ls and
si l ly dresses— boo-oo-oo. ( Signs and g oes back w iping face onred handkerchief ) It
’
s all a bloom in’ ho ld-up, preacher.
Jim Cou lson— Wal, w e m ig ht as wel l be sw ind led one way as another,I suppose. If my family g oes to the devi l I
’l l k now who ’l l be to
blame ( s igns ) There now can do
Hart ley— I’m sure your w ives Q I be proud of you fi sh-m a
You sure ly are a credit to the w omen-fo lk. ( Exit the
crowd except Ang elina and John Farmer. )Ang el ina— Now all you parsonag e folks come out for a l ittle drive.
Our car i s at the door and there i s time to g o out to the lake and
have a sw im before nig ht. (‘
ome a long .
Mr. and Mrs. Whyte— O h thanks Ang e l ina ,we w i l l a ccept w ith
pleasure.
Min ister— Here’s our bathing suitS '
r i g ht here in the ha l l . Hur rah
everybody. (They all depart except Mr. Ha rtley and Biddy , wholag behi nd unt i l the rest are g one. Then Biddy rushes up and
puts her arms about hi s neck . )Biddy— oh Mr. Jim , I knew you w ould come back, I w as sure of it
and I ’m so happy , so happy . But w here have you been this wholelong month , that I
’ve been pray ing for you nig ht and day .
Jim— I knew it all the time, my dear, and my heart ached fcr you .
But I had planned for it all just to show these people how eas ily
they can be duped by the promise of b ig and impossible inter est.And I wanted to help Mr. Whyte w ith h is p lans, you know in
that way I could. I cou ldn ’t even w rite to you dear , for fear you
mig ht becomed involved in the scheme and be made a pa rty to
what looked l ike fraud. But I knew you’d be true, Biddy , even
thoug h everyone else fa iled me, and that w as th only happiness I
had. I w as only back at Dayton all the time. I have boug ht abeautiful l ittle bung a low there for you and me. So your career
as a book ag ent , and mine as a dealer in g old bricks i s over, I
hope.
B iddy— Oh , Mr. Jim , I’m so happy and I ’l l love you all the rest of
your l ife.
J im— And I ’m the happiest man in all the w orld w ith my l ittle Ir ish
Ma id.
CURT AIN
THE END
The effectiveness of this latter part w i l l be heig htened g reatly by theladies urg ing th ir husbands to come up to the table and sig n thedocument. —Ed.
SYNOPS IS
ACT 1
Open Fie ld. Discussion be tween Mark Farmer and son , John . Hoeing .
Ang elina , s visit .
ACT II
Scene l — Minister’s home . Good natured banter between Mini ster and
Wife. Scene 2— The same , Next day — Coming of Biddy McPha il and
Jim Hartley. Scene 3— The same . Next day — Parley between Rev .
Thos. White , Jim Hartley and Biddy. Hartley plots to help Minister.Scene 4— Scene wi thout words .
ACT II I
Scene l - A Vil lag e Street . Conversation "between three farmers , Hartleyworks his deceptive plan . Scene 2— Severa l months later. samethree farmers . Eliza Catnup g ives advice . Exposure of Hartley ' splot by the farmers’ w ives.
ACT IV
Scene l — M inister’s home as in Act 2. Discovery of Hartley ’s absence .
Scene 2— The same , one month later, Hartley’s return and escape .