Why do releationships get worse after babies?Duncan Fisher OBEOctober 2012

THE STATSBabies do not help many relationships!

30% of parents say relationship gets worse

10%+ mothers suffer postnatal depression

Children complain about stressed mothers and distant fathers

One third of children see parents split

ROLE DIVERGENCE: AN EXPLANATION?Is lack of sleep and uncertainty all there is to it?

The greater the roles of mothers and fathers diverge after a baby is born, the unhappier they tend to be.

The bigger the difference between parents’ aspirations to share and the reality of their sharing, the unhappier they tend to be.

(Cowan & Cowan, USA)

FRUSTRATED ASPIRATIONSThe Cowans have shown this harms relationships

Should mum be in charge of caring?◦34% of mothers said yes◦23% of fathers said yes

Is mum in charge of caring?◦86% of mothers said yes◦69% of fathers said yes

60% of mothers and fathers want fathers to spend more time with their young children

50% say arrangements not of their choice

50% of fathers think they work too much

Trouble ahead

WHAT FORCES PARENTS APART?The legacy of the industrial revolution

Unequal work expectations – not unequal pay so much any more

Beliefs about motherhood◦ Natural◦ Innate skills, e.g. multi-tasking◦ No choice◦ Primary◦ High expectations

Beliefs about fatherhood◦ Not natural – clumsiness, funny, “impressive”◦ Hunter gatherer◦ Fathers have choice and don’t engage through choice◦ Low expectations

Mother feels un-supported

Unresolved disagree-ments about parenting and a perceived difference in authority

Low father involve-ment

Father remains unskilled and unconfident

Many relationship stresses observed in new parents relate to role divergence

Role divergence conflicts with human natureHuman families share

– that made us successful

Mothers have worked for 200,000 years

Dads are genetically programmed to care

Children develop multiple attachments from day one

Babies programmed to elicit care from multiple carers – origin of human empathy?

If human history were 24 hours long, the model of mum at home

alone with the children and dad at work was invented 2 minutes ago.

Sharing makes us happyFeels fairerParents who share are nicer

to each otherParents who share have more

sexParents who share are less

stressedChildren have more social

capital and see wider opportunities for themselves

Family spreads financial riskBoth parents close to children

SUPPORTING PARENTINGHelp with parenting and help for relationships is the same thing

Must engage BOTH parentsMust work on PARENTAL ALLIANCEParenting is a team activity: work with the

teamEngage with issue of different parenting

styles – e.g. response to distress, holding baby, managing risk, encouraging achievement

Cowans/Feinberg: this works better than traditional parenting support