Compiled by Janet Allison, Boys Alive! for the Boys & Anger Learning Lab Boy Code – adapted from Rosalind Wiseman & William Pollack & others Pack Rules from Mary Polce-Lynch

T H E B O Y C O D E* also PACK RULES* Understanding, discussing, and highlighting examples in media and real life are important steps towards breaking down this limiting set of rules that boys and men “think” they should live by. How to express emotions is particularly fraught for boys and even more so when they are in a group. The Pack provides a sense of identity & connection but also limits boys’ experiences. Boys instinctively know there is a cost for not following these unwritten rules. The Rules of Anger in Boy World

• Say nothing and suffer in silence. • Tell yourself the problem doesn’t matter and hope it magically disappears.

Just say, “It’s not a big deal. Don’t worry about it. I’m fine.” • Laugh it off. Convince yourself that whatever is happening is funny so you

don’t have to do anything to stop it. • Give the person the silent treatment and refuse to admit you’re angry. • Verbally humiliate the other person. • Get in the other person’s face but know that you’ll be held back by your

friends so you won’t have to back up your words with action. • Lash out when the other person is someone who isn’t going to put up a

fight. • Drink and/or do drugs to numb feelings. • Bottle it up until you explode.

ASK YOURSELF: How does your son express his anger? How does your son see you express your anger? How did you see your father (or other male figure) express his anger?

Compiled by Janet Allison, Boys Alive! for the Boys & Anger Learning Lab Boy Code – adapted from Rosalind Wiseman & William Pollack & others Pack Rules from Mary Polce-Lynch

Pack Rules as observed by and told to Boy Talk author Mary Polce-Lynch by age: YOUNGER BOYS: don’t cry when hurt; boys play with boys; girls are yucky; boys are touch; being strong and powerful makes you a real boy; winning is good, losing is bad. EARLY TEENS: don’t cry when hurt; don’t show excitement unless you score a field goal; don’t talk about your feelings to other guys; don’t show other guys your fear or uncertainty; nothing bothers you; don’t get too close to boys because everyone will think you are gay (and being gay is bad); avoid anything feminine; girls are sexy; boys are touch; being an athlete makes you a real boy; winning is good, losing is bad; it’s okay to be aggressive; make fun of others, especially if they’re weak or you’re uncomfortable; laugh when you feel uncomfortable; mask your real feelings. MIDDLE TEENS: don’t cry when hurt; don’t show excitement unless you score a field goal; don’t talk about your feelings to other guys; don’t show other guys your fear or uncertainty; nothing bothers you; don’t get too close to boys because everyone will think you are gay (and being gay is bad); avoid anything feminine; girls and women are really sexy; tell sexual jokes and stories; being an athlete makes you a real boy; winning is good, losing is bad; boys rule; it’s okay to be aggressive; make fun of others, especially if they’re weak or you’re uncomfortable; laugh when you feel uncomfortable; look cool at all times; use one-word answers (“Huh?” “Yeah” “Dunno”); mask your real feelings. OLDER TEENS: don’t cry when hurt; don’t show excitement; don’t talk about your feelings to other guys; don’t show other guys your fear or uncertainty; nothing bothers you; avoid anything feminine; don’t get too close to boys because everyone will think you are gay (it’s still bad); telling sexual jokes and stories and having sex makes you a real man; girls and women are sexy; being an athlete makes you a real man; winning is good, losing is bad; it’s a man’s world; go out into the world and make a name for yourself on your own; drinking is cool; it’s okay to be aggressive; make fun of others, especially if they’re weak or you’re uncomfortable; laugh when you feel uncomfortable; look cool at all times; be stoic; mask your real feelings. ALL AGES: Don’t talk about the Pack Rules. ASK YOURSELF: How did the Pack Rules affect me as I was growing up? How do they still influence my behavior? How is my son affected by the Pack Rules? How am I interpreting the Pack Rules for my son?