a yucky commedia love story v6c

8/21/2019 A Yucky Commedia Love Story V6C

1/23

A Yucky Commedia

Love Story ?

By

Andrew Preston


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haracters

CAPOCOMICO: The ringleader of the company.

BETTY: A punk kid.

PLAYER 1: A member of the company.

BRIGHELLA: (Early 30s) Masterful liar and schemer. His greed drives him.

ARLECCHINO: (Mid 20s) Brighellas assistant. Clumsy and eccentric.

LIDIA: (Early 20s) Vain and pretty. Overly dramatic in love.

LELIO: (Early 20s) Knows all his good features. Overly dramatic in love.

PANTALONE: (70s) A greedy old man. Will do anything to get rich.

FLAMINIA: (Early 40s) Pantalones trophy wife and a wicked step mother of sorts to Leanora.

COLUMBINA: (Mid 20s) Leonora's confidant. Outspoken. Brash. Flaunts her stuff.

TARTAGLIA: (Late 30s) Arlecchinos stuttering pal. Think Porky Pig.


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PROLOGUEPreshow music plays as the students enter the auditorium, the company help seat and interact with them. Once

all the classes are situated, the Capocomico and the rest of the company take their positions.

CAPOCOMICOHi, everyone! (Response) I couldnt quite hear you. Hi, everyone! (Response) Thats better. We are The Actors Project

and we have a great play for you guys! Its about helping out your friends, doing whats right, and the evils of greed! Soare you guys ready to see the show!? (Response)

BETTY(Standing up from a class) No! (Company gasps) I dont want to see a silly play by The Actors Poopoos! (Company

gasps)

CAPOCOMICO

Were The Actors Project.

BETTYI like The Actors Poopoos better.

CAPOCOMICOWho are you?

BETTYIm Betty Burp from (Names teacher) class! (Company gasps) I dont want to see a play aboutfriendshipor the evilso

greed! I even dont believe in friendshipand I love being greedy! I want everything! Right, Mrs. (Namesteacher)?(Teacher should respond. Company gasps)

CAPOCOMICOBetty, you know its not nice being greedy and getting everything you want.

PLAYER 1Yeah, and friends are great! They are always there when you need them.

CAPOCOMICO

Oryou can be there for them when they need you!

PLAYER 1If you play sports, its all about helping each other as friends!

BETTYI play golf.

CAPOCOMICOYou still have a lot to learn, Betty. Hey, our story today is perfect for you and its a Commedia dellArte play!

BETTY

Commedia dell'taco!? Are we having tacos?

CAPOCOMICONo Betty. Its Commedia delArte. Its a style of theatre thats been around for a long time! Some of the characters wearmasks!


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PLAYER 1

Except for the romanticones. The ones that fall in love and kiss. (Does a kiss, company says yuck)

CAPOCOMICOCommedia plays were usually funny plays about greed, food, but above all love! (Does a kiss, company says yuck)

And todays play will be about all those things!

BETTYWait. You guys are going to be doing a yucky commedia love story!? I m so outta here!

CAPOCOMICO

Hold it. Betty! You go back there and watch! Hopefully youll learn something! (To Audience) Are you guys ready!Great! Our story takes place a long time ago in a city far, far away, Italy! (Panels are placed on stage) I can just smell th

pizza. Oh, and Betty gave me a great idea for the title of our play! So here we go with our story entitled A YuckyCommedia Love Story!?(Fanfare plays)

SCENE ONE: OUTSIDE PANTALONES HOUSE AND STREETS OF ITALY

(Brighella enters and sneaks around the stage then notices the audience.)

BRIGHELLA

Oh, an audience! I didnt see you come in. How nice! Its always great to have an audience watch me do mean things.Like trying to steal money from that greedy old Pantalone, the richest man in all of Italy. He loves money. Thats the onthing we have in common: our love for money. He lives just right there and here I am ready to steal. I don t know

howyet! But Im pretty cleaver. Oh, here I am blabbing and you don t even know who I am. My name is Brighella! Thgreatest villain in all of Italy! Yup, Im evil. (Laughs) You dont want to mess with this guy. Just like with all great

villains, we have our not so smart sidekicks. Mine has ruined every single plan Ive come up with! His name isArlecchino..

ARLECCHINO

.(Enters with a bag of cherries. Hes enjoying eating them.) Mmmm. Cherries! I love cherries! Yummy, yummy! (He spout a seed) Oh, hey, Brighella, did you think of another evil way to get Pantalones money?

BRIGHELLA

Shhh! Quiet fool! No, thats why Im here! Now let me think.

ARLECCHINODont hurt yourself. I always hurt myself when I think.

BRIGHELLAYou hurt yourself by doing nothing.

ARLECCHINONo I dont.(He steps on his own foot) Yeooow! (Beat) I hurt myself.

BRIGHELLA

Quiet! (He hops him) Pantalone will hear you! You nincompoop.

ALRECCHINO(Laughs) I like it when you call me nincompoop. (Chuckles) Poop.


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BRIGHELLA(Brighella bops him) Im trying to think.

ARLECCHINOOkay! (Continues to eat cherries and sings) Yummy, yummy, yummy I got cherries in my tummy. (Brighella gives him alook) Okay! Ill be quiet as a mouse. (Cherry Lazzo. He starts to eat his cherries. Loudly. Brighella gives him another

look, he slows down his chewing. He starts eating them again, this time spits our the seeds.)

BRIGHELLAArlecchino! (Arlecchino turns to face him and accidentally spits a seed in his eye) Ahhh!! My eye!

ARLECCHINO

Sorry!

BRIGHELLAArlecchino! (Bops him) Nincampoop!

ARLECCHINO

(Chuckles) Poop. (Pokes Brighella) Poop.

BRIGHELLA

Stop that! You know Im ticklish!

ARLECCHINO

Thats why I did it. (Pokes him again) Poop!

BRIGHELLAStop it! Go over there and eat your cherries! (He pushes Arlecchino out, but before he does Arlecchino pokes him againPoop) Now, how am I going to steal Pantalones money?

LIDIA(Appears above the curtain) Oh, Lelio, Lelio! Wherefore art thou, Lelio?

BRIGHELLA

Whats that? Oh, Its Pantalones daughter Lidia! Looks like shes calling out for her Boyfriend. I better hide! I knowIll pretend to be statue! (Statue lazzo. He Poses)

LIDIAOh Lelio, how I long to see you. Oh, how I long to hear you. Oh, how I long to kiss you! (Does a long kiss to the air.)

BRIGHELLA

Yuck.

LELIO(Enters) Here I am! Your sweet, Lelio. (Pose) No need to long anymore! (Blows a kiss to her)

LIDIA(Doesnt see or hear him) If only I can see yourface!

LELIOLook at it! Admire it! (Pose)


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LIDIA

If only I can pinch your cheeks!

LELIOPinch them, pinch them! (Pose)

LIDIAIf only I can hear your voice!

LELIOHear it! Hear it! Hear how lovely it is!

LIDIA

Lelio, if only you were here!

LELIOIm here, Im here! (Beat) At least I think I am. (To audience) You can hear me all right, right? (Response) Why cant

she?

LIDIA

Lelio, Lelio....

LELIO

(Simply) Yes....

LIDIALelio! Youre here!

LELIO

Now she hears me. (To Lidia) Yes, my beautiful bunny! Im here! (Pose)

LIDIAWhere? (She looks out to the sky)

LELIODown here, my sweet.

LIDIA

(She does. But looks at the opposite direction) Where? I cant see you my handsome hunk!

LELIO

Turn to your left.

LIDIAI still dont.....Oh, is that you?

LELIONo, thats a first grader (Try to get a students actual name). Turn a little more...more....moreHi! (Waves)

LIDIA


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There you are my, Lelio! Oh, if only I can hold you in my arms! ( She reaches down with her arms stretched out)

LELIO(He reaches up) If only we had longer arms!

LIDIA AND LELIO

Wed live happily ever after!

LELIOYes! (Beat) But we cant. Your papa, Pantalone, doesnt like me because Im penniless, broke, poor, moneyless, strappedestitute. Have no money.

LIDIAI think they get the picture.

BRIGHELLA

(Brakes pose) Thats it! Ive got a plan! Whoops! (Poses again)

PANTALONELidia! Lidia!

LIDIAThats my papa, and Im sure my wicked stepmother, Flaminia is with him too! Shoo, shoo!

LEDIOYou like my shoes?

LIDIANo, shoo, shoo, before they see you!

LELIOUntil next time, my love! (They reach again, and kiss. They both exit)

BRIGHELLA

Yuck. (Beat) I know how to steal Pantaloons money! Ill pretend to be rich then, marry Lidia, then Ill get Pantalonesfortune! (Laughs and exits)

PANTALONE(Enters excitedly with Flaminia) Lidia! Your stepmother Flaminia thought of a great idea! (Looks around) Lidia? I

thought I heard her voice.

FLAMINIA

You must be hearing things again, dear.

LIDIA(Enters) Here I am, papa. (Pantalone screams and jumps onto Flaminia. To Flaminia) You are not hearing things, papa.

PANTALONEYour step mother, Flaminia, came up with a great idea! Guess what is is!! (Shes about to speak, but puts his hand on hemouth) Never mind! Ima tell you! Youll like it! Wont she like it?


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FLAMINAShell love it Im sure.

LIDIA(Calmly) What is it papa?

PANTALONECalm down! I tell you ready? (Lidia nods) Tell her Flaminia!

FLAMINIAYour going to get married! (Pantalone grabs Flaminia and starts dancing)

LIDIATo Lelio? Oh papa! (About to give him a hug)

LELIO

(Enters) To me? Oh, papa! (Runs to give him a hug)

PANTALONENo, no, no! You crazy! Hes broke! (To Lelio) No touch me, He no money! The person you marry is gong to be full ofmoney! Money! Money! Hell make us even more rich! (He dances with Flaminia again)

BRIGHELLA(Pops his head out) Looks like my plan is going to be easy! (Laughs and exits)

LIDIA

Hold it! Im in love with Lelio! He makes me swoon! Doesnt he make you swoon? (Lelio smiles)

PANTALONE

No money, no swoony.

LIDIAWe dont need money!

PANTALONE(Almost hyperventilating) We dont...We dont...We dont need money?! Ayeee! (He faints)

LIDIAPapa.?

PANTALONE

(Pops up) I just faint. Dont say that!

FLAMINIADont be silly, foolish girl. Money brings happiness! (They dance again)

LIDIAHold it! Love brings happiness not money.

PANTALONE(Almost hyperventilating) Not, not, not money! Here I go again! Ayeeee! (He faints)


9/23

LIDIA

Papa.

PANTALONE(Pops up) Stop saying that! (To Lelio) As for you: You are banished!

LELIO AND LIDIABanished?

PANTALONEBanished.

LELIO AND LIDIA

Noooo!

PANTALONEYeeees!

LELIO AND LEDIABanished?

PANTALONEBanished. Yes! Thats what I said. (To Leandro) Now shoo shoo!

LELIO

You like my shoes?

PANTALONE

No, no! Leave! Getta here. You bother me, kid. Go to the beach or something! Get a tan! You need it. Go, go!

LIDIALelio!

LELIOLidia!

PANTALONEWah, wah, wah. youre braking my heart! Leave already! Aye, ya, yai! (Lelio Exits) Your step mama, Flaminia, is going

to find you a rich husband! (They dance) Hehe! Money! Im going to celebrate by getting a pizza for a dollar. (Beat. ToFlaminia) But I need a dollar. I love a pizza! And a money! And pizza! Especially money! Ciao, Ciao! (Exits. Flaminia

laughs)

LIDIAThis is your evil plan isnt it, stepmother?

FLAMINIAYou mean wicked step mother! Im your wickedstepmother! (Laughs) Of course it was my plan, foolish girl. I love seeinyou miserable. (Lidia gets sad.) Thats the look. I love it. (She mimics Lidia and laughs) Sad? (Lidia nods, Flaminialaughs) Oh, I love being wicked! Once you marry a rich man, you know youll never see your precious Leandro again!All thanks to me! (She laughs. Lidia sobs.) Youll never see him. Forever and ever. (Lidia sobs) Ever. (Lidia gives one


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more sob) Love it!

LIDIANoooo!

FLAMINIA

Oh, dont be so dramatic! What did you expect? Kindness? (Laughs) Foolish girl. Your funny. Off I go to find your richhusband! (Laughs) Aw, smile for me. (Lidia frowns. She laughs) Your sadness is hilarious! (Laughs. Beat) Ever.(Lidia

gives a sob) You make me so happy, foolish girl! (Laughs and Exits)

LIDIANoooo! Thats my wicked stepmother for you! How am I going to get out of this? My friend Columbina! Shes pretty

clever. Maybe she can help me! (Exits)

ARLECCHINO(Enters w/Brighella) Ooooh, so youre going to marry Lidia, then you are going to have all of Pantalones

money! That sounds mean. And bad. Mean and Bad.

BRIGHELLAI am bad! (Bops) All I have to do is pretend that Im rich!

ARLECCHINO(Laughs) Youre not that good of an actor.

BRIGHELLA(Bops him) Hows that for acting.

ARLECCHINOVery believable. Oh, theres a fly. (Fly lazzo. He tries to catch it. Misses it. It lands on his hand. He slaps his hand)

Yeow! (He grabs it, and his hand fly around)

BRIGHELLAArlecchino let it go. (He does so. Beat.) Oh, my shoes untied. (He bends down. Fly comes back, land on Brighellasbottom. Alrecchino pulls out his slapstick and hits Brighellas bottom) Yeooow! Come here Arlecchino!

ARLECCHINOUh, uh.

BRIGHELLA

Uh, huh.

ARLECCHINO

Uh, uh. Look over there! (A chase lazzo)

BRIGHELLAHah! I got you! (Bops him) Nickcompoop!

ARLECCHINO(Chuckles) Poop.

BRIGHELLA


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Come on. We have to make sure that Lelio doesnt ruin my plan.

ARLECCHINOHow?

BRIGHELLA

He shall meet his doom. (Exits laughing)

ARLECCHINOUh, oh. (Follows him out)

LIDIA

(Enters) So you see Columbina, my world is crumbling all around me and it s all because of Flaminia! (She notices shealone) Columbina? Columbina! (Columbina enters singing a current popular tune. Bieber perhaps?) Columbina!

(Columbina starts getting down) Columbina!

COLUMBINAOh, hey, Lidia! Whats up?

LIDIAIm going to get married! Thats whats up!

COLUMBINANice!

LIDIA

NO! Not nice.Papa and Flaminia dont want me to marry Lelio.

COLUMBINA

Yikes!

LIDIAThey want me to marry someone rich!

COLUMBINANice!

LIDIANO! Not nice! Its not Lelio!

COLUMBINA

Yikes! Maybe itll be Bieber! Biebers loaded.

LIDIAIts not going to Bieber! You always have Bieber on your mind.

COLUMBINAIm a belieber.

LIDIAStop that. Besides Lelio is more handsome then Bieber.


12/23

COLUMBINA

If you say so. (To audience) Shes coo coo!

LIDIAColumbina, youre my closest friend, will you help me get out of this?

COLUMBINAOf course! What are friends for? Besides if it is Bieber, you can introduce me to him! (She swoons)

LIDIAIts not Bieber! I dont even like Bieber.

COLUMBINA

Fine. (To audience) I hope its Bieber!

LIDIANo. (She pulls Columbina off) Come on.

SCENE TWO: ITALIAN BEACH

(Lelio enters beaten and forlorn. Brighella and Arlecchino enter.)

BRIGHELLALelio has to be around here somewhere.

ARLECCHINO

Yup! Hes right there looking miserable.

LELIO

Oh, my love, Lidia! Will I ever see you again?

BRIGHELLANo. Now prepare to meet your doom! (He pulls out his sword)

LELIOWho are you?

BRIGHELLABrighella! Your worst nightmare! (A dramatic build up towards a sword fight. Brighella just bops him)

ARELCCHINO

That was fast.

BRIGHELLAHey, its me. Hide him somewhere.

ARLECCHINO(Arlecchino tries to drag him off) Hes too heavy.

BRIGHELLA(Flaminias voice is heard off) Flaminias coming! Hide!


13/23

ARLECCHINO

What about him? (Getting rid of the body lazzo.)

BRIGHELLAWhy are you still here?

ARLECCHINOI dont know.

BRIGHELLAHide! (Arlecchino scurries around.Flaminias voice is nearer) Never mind be a statue! (He does) Nows my chance. Il

pretend to be French.

ARLECCHINOFrench!

BRIGHELLA

Yes! (Bops him) You better not ruin this plan, Arlecchino! (Hides in the audience)

FLAMINIA

(Enters) There has to be rich guy around here to make that foolish Lidias life miserable.

BRIGHELLA

(Enters) Cherie, perhaps I could help. For I am a Frenchman. I come from France. Yes I m French. Ohohoh,

ARLECCHINOOh, brother. (Brighella steps on his foot)

FLAMINIA

What an ugly statue. Just ugly. Uuuuugly. (Beat) Ugly.

BRIGHELLANevermind the ugly statue. As I said Im a from France, the land of amour!

ARLECCHINOO la la!

BRIGHELLA

(Steps on him again) My name is Brighella, the richestFrenchman of all of France!

FLAMINIA

What a coincidence, I need a rich man to marry Pantalone's annoying daughter.

BRIGHELLAA rich man, eh? Pantalone, huh? Daughter, you say?

FLAMINIAStepdaughter. Im her wicked step mother. I want her to be miserable so I want her to marry someone rich so she ll nevesee her true love. Lelio. again! (Laughs)


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BRIGHELLAThats sounds wickedly wicked.

FLAMINIAI am her wicked stepmother after all. Sort of my job. (They both laugh) Are you ready to meet your future wife?

BRIGHELLAOui oui.

FLAMINAThe restrooms are over there.

BRIGHELLANo, no. It means yes, yes. (They both exit laughing)

ARLECCHINO

His plan actually worked. His acting wasnt to bad either, huh?

LELIO(Enters) Oh, Im never going to be marry my precious Lidia! My one true love! Oh, Lidia! Lidia! Lidia!

ARLECCHINOHes back again? He woke up pretty quick. Look at him being all over dramatic in love even though he won t be marringLidia anytime soon.

LELIO

I remember the first time we met. I was eating ice cream and it fell on the floor. You came up to me, pointed to the floorand said Your ice cream fell on the floor.I looked down at my empty cone and said Oh, then you ate your icecream and said The ice cream is very, very, yummy. Mmm. I looked at my empty cone then to my ice cream on the

floor and said OhI wouldnt know.., then you looked at me and ate some more of your ice cream, and said Mmmm

Its so delish! Nothing would be sweeter then to share this yummy ice cream with some one as sweet as you. You thenshared your ice cream with me. From that moment we were in love! (He sits down and pouts)

ARLECCHINO

Awww! Such a sweet story. Makes me want ice cream. Hmm. He really is in love. Yuck! I don t know why, but he is. Itmaking me sad. Being the bad guy is tough. People get hurt. People get sad. I m pretty sure Brighella wouldnt even shahis money with me. Huh? Brighella only uses me to help him get rich and all he does is bop me! Maybe I should try beingood! What do you guys think? If I help Lelio and Lidia, theyll live happily ever after! I can be a hero! I like the sound that! Arlecchino, the hero! Ill do it! Im going to be the good guy! Thanks guys! Arlecchino to the rescue! (Runs to Leli

Get up! Your in luck! Arlecchino, is here to help you!

LELIO

Who?

ARLECCHINOArlecchino. (Lelio shakes his head) Arlecchino! (Lelio shakes his head again) AR-LE-CCHI-NO! (Lelio makes a gestur

that he knows, but then shakes his head.) Arlecchino, the hero!

LELIOOh! The town fool!


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ARLECCHINOAt least you have heardof me

LELIOHow are you going to help?

ARLECCHINOI dont knowBut Ill think of something! Come on! (Lelio exits. As Arlecchino addresses the audience, Brighella and

Flaminia enter) Im going to be a hero! Lidia and Lelio will soon live happily ever after!

BRIGHELLA AND FLAMINIAWhaaaaat?

FLAMINIA

That little fool is going to ruin my plan!

BRIGHELLA(To audience) And mine!

ARLECCHINOWhoops. (They crowd him) Uh, look over there! (Chase lazzo. Pantalone enters randomly throughout carrying larger

and larger pizzas.)

FLAMINIA

(Lazzo ends) Where do you think youre going silly fool?

ARLECCHINOOh, for a little jog. Im pooped. (He pokes both of them) Poop!

FLAMINIA

Stop that! (Bops him)

ARLECCHINOOooh, coo coo birds! (Falls)

FLAMINIA(To Brighella) Lets go! We have to get you and Lidia married so she can be miserable for the rest of her life!

BRIGHELLA

(To audience) And I can be rich!

PANTALONE

(Enters with a very large pizza) Yum! Thats a good pizza! Time to go home and get Lidia married! (Laughs) Money! Icant wait! (Walks over Arlecchino andExits)

LELIO

(Enters) Arlecchino?

ARLECCHINO(Wakes up) That was quite a bop on the head!


16/23

LELIOWhat happened?

ARLECCHINOWe have to get you married! Flaminia and Brighella on their way Pantalones house! Ive got an idea! Youll pretend to

be the person who is all about love.Cupid!

LELIOCupid! Cupid? (Beat. To Arlecchino) Cupid?

ARLECCHINOA huh! How can anybody not like Cupid? Now, all we need is someone to marry you and Lidia!

TARTAGLIA

(Enters from back of auditorium carrying a bag) Tamales! Get your abade, abade, Tamales, here! Abade, abade, whowants some abade, abade Tamales?

ARLECCHINO

Tartaglia! My friend! Still selling Tamales, I see?

TARTAGLIA

Abade, abade, abade, yup! And theyre abade, abade, goooabadeoood! Abade abede time for my dance! (Tartalgia dancto a latin song)

ARLECCHINOYou know were in Italy right?

TARTAGLIAI ababe, abade, know. But these guys really like, abade, abade, Tamales. Right? (Response) Abade see?

ARLECCHINOYes, I do! But you know youd make a better Justice of the Peace, than a Tamale man.

TARTAGLIA

Abade really? (He tries a cry) Who wants to be abade abade, married? I abade like it!

ARLECCHINOI knew you would! Lets get you certified! (To kid) Whats your name? (Get name) Certify him____. (Kid Certifies him)There you go! Thanks, ______ Come on, Tartagy, you have some marrying to do! (To Lelio) And you need a costume!

LELIO

A costume? I have a bad feeling about this.

ARLECCHINOI have great feeling about this!

TARTAGLIAWhos going to eat all these ababe abade Tamales!? (They exit)

SCENE THREE: LIDIAS BEDROOM


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(Room is decorated with paintings of Justin Bieber.Lidia and Columbina enter)

COLUMBINAWhoa. You said you didnt like Bieber. (Lidia shrugs) You dont even have a painting of Lelio, Your one true love.

LIDIA

Sure I do! Here. (She points to the smallest painting, that is barely even noticeable) My love! (She swoons. Footsteps arheard ruining up stairs. Columbina looks.)

COLUMBINAYour future husband is on his way up! (Beat) Hes no Bieber.

LIDIA(Scurries around) What am I going to do?

COLUMBINA

Ive have an idea! Ill pretend to be you!

LIDIAHes on his way up, its too late to dress up as me.

COLUMBINAGive me your fan! (Grabs her fan) There. Now Im you!

LIDIANobody will fall for that!

BRIGHELLA(Goes to Columbina) Ah, Lidia, I know its you because of your fan. (Notices all the Bieber paintings.) Whoa. You like

Bieber, What do you think of mySwag? Huh? (Columbina coughs) Oh, too much swag for you? I know. Youll get used

to it. My name is Brighella and its time to get married! Lets go!

COLUMBINA(As Lida doing over the top movements and poses. Does a courteous laugh) Wait! Let me introduce you to my friend

Columbina! (To Lidia) Meet Brighella! Sort of reminds you of Pepe Le Pew, huh? Only he doesn t smell like a skunk.(Smells him) No, yeah he does.

BRIGHELLAIts the smell of amour.

LIDIA

(As Columbina. She tries a weird accent. Perhaps Bronx) Its nice to meet you. A great pleasure, Mr Frenchman. (Greet

Lazzo) I hope you like my girl, Lidia.

COLUMBINA(To Lidia) I dont talk like that!

LIDIAI dont movelike that! (They start to whisper argue and escalates to cackling)

BRIGHELLA


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Ladies, Ladies. (In between them) No need to fight over moi. Take it easy. (To Lidia) Unfortunately for you, you are notrich. So I have to go with this pretty face.

LIDIAOh, drat the luck. Ill be out here. If you need anything, just hala! (She exits)

BRIGHELLATime to get married!

COLUMBINAWait! I have a gift for you.

BRIGHELLAWhat is it? Will it make moi more swaggy?

COLUMBINA

A sandwich. (Bops him) A bop sandwich.

BRIGHELLANot my favorite sandwich. (Falls)

LIDIA(Enters) I heard a drum! That means someone got bopped! (Sees Brighella) Oh. What do we do now?

COLUMBINAUh, run! (They exit.)

BRIGHELLA(Getting up) Oi my head.

FLAMINIA(Enters) Are you two ready to .? Whaaaat happened?

BRIGHELLA

She bopped me!

FLAMINIANo! She cant get away! You need to marry her! She needs to be miserable! ( She exits)

BRIGHELLAAnd I need money! (He exits)

SCENE FOUR: MAIN ROOM OF PANTLONES HOUSE

(Pantalone enters)

PANTALONE

I hope the wedding happens soon! (A long doorbell is heard) Who could that be?

ARLECCHINO(Enters) Pantalone! Just the man I was looking for. I found a husband for Lidia! A prince that you will love!


19/23

PANTALONEA prince!

ARLECCHINOA handsome prince! Come on in prince. (Lelio enters dressed as cupid. diaper, wings and all)

PANTALONEA flying baby?

ARLECCHINONo. its cupid!

PANTALONEHes wearing a diaper.

ARLECCHINO

Thats cupid! Isnt he Handsome? (Lelio poses)

PANTALONEHes wearing a diaper.

ARLECCHINOForget about the diaper. Hes rich!

PANTALONEI like him!

ARLECCHINOI thought you would.

PANTAONE(To Lelio) Cupid, how rich are you?

LELIO

Pok Pok

PANTALONEPok pok? Hes half chicken too?

ARLECCHINONo, he doesnt speak English. Hes from Massachusetts. But hes rich!

PANTALONEI love it! Cupid my good man, how are you? (Greeting Lazzo)

LELIO

(Makes along chicken talk speech.)

ARLECCHINOUh. He said good good.


20/23

PANTALONEAll that meant good?

ARLECCHINOYes...

PANTALONEI love it! Hes perfect Lidia!

ARLECCHINOHe is!?

LELIOHe is!? I mean, I am? I mean, pok, pok!?

PANTALONE

Yes! Pok, Pok, Cupid! Pok, pok!

LIDIA(Enters w/Columbina) Papa!

PANTALONELidia! Meet your rich prince charming! Cupid.

LIDIA AND COLUMBINACupid?

COLUMBINAHes wearing a diaper. (While Pantalone isnt looking, Lelio pulls off wig.)

LIDIAHe could wear diapers everyday, he'd still be perfect.

PANTALONE

I knew youd like him! Diaper and all. Lets get the wedding started!

ARLECCHINOGreat! Tartaglia is outside. Ill get him! (He exits)

FLAMINIA(Enters w/Brighella) Stop you fools! Shes supposed to marry Brighella. (Everyone gasps)

LIDIA(Faints) Oh, oh, oh!

BRIGHELLA

(To Columbina) Theres no girl like you, my cherie, Lidia!

PANTALONE AND LELIO AND FLAMINIAWhaaat!?


21/23

PANTALONE(Points to Columbina) Thatsnot Lidia. (Double take.) What isthat?

COLUMBINAMy name is Columbina! Youve known me for five years!

PANTALONEOh, well its nice to see you again, Colacoocoo. (To Brighella while pointing to Lidia on the floor) Shes Lidia and thatthing right there is Columcaca.

BRIGHELLA(Gesturing to Columbina) But shes holding the fan. (Lelio helps Lidia up, Columbina gives her the fan) Oh...Hey! They

tricked me!

FLAMINIANo more tricks foolish girl! Time to get married to Brighella so youll never see Lelio again! (Laughs)

LELIO

(Takes off his costume.) Never! (Everyone gasps, Lelio has trouble with the diaper) This diaper doesnt come off.

PANTALONE AND FLAMINIA

Lelio!

LELIO

Yes, it is I! We are in love and meant to be with each other. Live happily ever after! Just like Romero and Juliet!

COLUMBINAThats not how it ended.

LELIO

Even If I have to meet my doom.

PANTALONE AND BRIGHELLA AND FLAMINAOkay.

BRIGHELLA(Pulls out sword) Prepare to meet your doom. (Beat) Again. (Lelio pulls out his sword)

ARLECCHINO

(Enters w/ Tartalia) Here we are. Let the wedding begin! (Turns to see a Lelio and Brighella with swords out) Oh, wronhouse. Lets go! (They start to exit)

BRIGHELLANot so fast. (Arlecchino and Tartalgia move slow) Just stop.

TARTAGLIA

(To Arlecchino) Ababe abede nice house. Is it yours?

PANTALONEOf course its not his. Its mine!


22/23

TARTAGLIAAbade Nice.

BRIGHELLA(Crosses to them and bops Lelio on the way. Arlecchino and Tartagy keep pushing the each other in front of them.)Youve ruined my plans for the last time Arlecchino. This time you shall meet your doom!

TARTAGLIAIll just be ababe ababe over here, If you abebe need me.

ARLECCHINOI need you(Pretends he has confidence) Being mean is mean. And bad. I learned that its better to help those in need

being a true friend, and being a hero!

BRIGHELLAWell see about thatHero! (Sword Fight Lazzo. During the fight Flaminia, Lidia, and Lelio also join in and Tartaglia

manages to marry Lelio and Lidia. Flaminia and Brighellas true intentions are revealed at which point they are eithertied up or make their exit. Perhaps Pantalone too can make a heroic gesture during the fight.)

LIDIAPapa, all Flaminia wanted was to see me miserable.

PANTALONEYou wont be miserable with your real prince charming! (Puts arm around Lelio) Even though hes poor.

LELIO

Thank you, Pantalone. Im sorry you didnt get all the money that you wanted.

PANTALONE

I learned that theres more important things than money and being greedy. Like love and friendship. Right Columoomoo

COLUMBINAYes.

LIDIAThanks, Arlecchino. You are a great friend and you truly are our hero.

ARLECCHINOIm a hero!

TARTAGLIA

Abade, abade, party time?

EVERYONEPartytime! (They exit except for Arlecchino)

ARLECCHINOIt does feel good to help out friends! Well thats our show! I hope you all learned something about friendship, helpingothers, and especially that being greedy and mean get you nowhere. So for myself and the rest of The Actors Project wewould like to thank you for being a great audience! Thanks for watching! And well see you all..next time!


23/23

EVERYONEBye!!.

a yucky commedia love story v6c

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