straight to dvd

7/31/2019 Straight to Dvd

1/40

STRAIGHT TO DVDPressing play was a bad idea

By

Fil Adamski & Dan Thomas

27 CHAPEL STREETOADBYLEICESTERLE2 5AD

FIL ADAMSKI: 07584 287824DAN THOMAS: 07837 249761 07, 2010


2/40

1.

"STRAIGHT TO DVD"

FADE IN:

INT VIDEO STORE - EVENING

DAVE and GAZ stand in the corner of a run-down video store.They rifle through a DVD bargain bin.

GAZHere Dave, this looks decent:Blunt Head-Trauma.

DAVEWhos in it?

GAZJean-Claude Van --

DAVE(Interrupting) Nope.

GAZ...Damn. What about:They Came, They Saw, TheyConcurred. A dramatisation of thefinancial crisis, focusing on theheads of the banking -

DAVE(Interrupting) No! Are youdeliberately picking up trash?

GAZRight - what about this one:Straight to DVD.

DAVEWhats it about?

GAZ(Reading back of DVD)"A post-modern take on life and love,where nothing is as it seems, andpeople are not what they appear tobe."

DAVEWell, at least they weren't vagueabout it. Depressingly, that'sstill the frontrunner. What arethe quotes on the back?

GAZ furiously scans the back of the DVD.

DAVE (CONT)You should always judge a film bythe calibre of the quotes, Gaz.

GAZ

The Daily Sport says


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2.

DAVE groans.

GAZ (CONT)Give it a chance! Just becausethis guy works for the Sport,doesn't mean he's all 'tits andarse' in his reviews.

DAVEFine, go on.

GAZNow this is a film (Pause)

DAVERight a film that?

GAZNo. That's all it says: "Now thisis a film."

DAVEWhat? That's just a statement!It's like me saying: "Now this isa 20 pound note."

DAVE draws out a neatly-folded twenty from his pocket.

GAZ(Under breath) You could have justsaid These are house keys. Flashgit

DAVEAlso, that could just be half thequote. The full one probably says,"Now this is a film that makesyou want to scoop your eyeballsout with a spoon." Or, probably,'Now this is a film with someserious TITS in it!"

GAZHow's that a bad thing? I bet theguy from The Independents itchingto write that. Anyway, look, it'sgot an exclamation point at the

end, so it must be good. It'smore like: "Now this is a film!"All excited about it. Plus its an18.

DAVE(Thinking) I dunno

GAZ(Checks price) 1:99.

DAVESold. (BEAT) But if it's rubbish,

I get the next three video shoppicks.


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3.

GAZI'll mentally prepare myself forthat 'Weekend at Bernies' bingemarathon...

CUT TO:


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4.

INT DAVES HOUSE - EVENING

DAVE and GAZ walk through the door, mid-conversation.

GAZYeah, and? I would judge the

customers if I worked there too.DAVE

But she looked at me as if I wasbuying a cheap porno. (BEAT) Waitwe haven't just purchased a cheapporno, have we?

GAZWell, you do have a slight 'cheapporno renter' look about you."Never trust a man in a turtle-neck," my mum always used to say -they're always hiding something

under there.

DAVE shoots GAZ a stare.

GAZ (CONT)Let's whack it in and find out.We'll close the curtains first,just in case, like

GAZ walks towards the DVD player.

DAVEWoah - where are you going?

GAZ To put the DVD on?

DAVENot with those shoes, you're not.Off. You always manage to traipsein a smorgasbord of shit.

GAZ groans and reluctantly kicks off his shoes. DAVE closesthe curtains and sticks the lights on. GAZ kneels down,flicks on the TV and OPENS the DVD player.

They sit back onto DAVES sofa, ready to press play.

DAVEI still have a bad feeling aboutthis

DAVE hits the play button. Nothing.

GAZYou got Poundland batteries again,didn't you?

DAVE presses hard on the play button again. A triangular'play' symbol flashes up onto the black screen of the TV.

The film begins. 'STRAIGHT TO DVD' flashes up, Comic Sansfont.


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5.

DAVE (CONT)Was this created on Powerpoint orsomething?

GAZSsshhh!

An 'A' and an 'I' float down on the screen and land between'DVD'. The title now reads: STRAIGHT TO DAVID. GAZ lookspuzzled. DAVE grimaces.

An image suddenly flashes up - it's of GAZ and DAVE, sat onthe sofa, watching the film. The TV in the film also hasthe film on it, (ad infinitum) - a 'hall of mirrors'effect.

GAZ and DAVE stare at the image, mouths agog.

DAVEWhat the

DAVES words are repeated, fractions of seconds out in eachTV screen.

GAZHuh?

GAZ's words are once again repeated. DAVE spins round,checking if any cameras are setup. There aren't any. Hepeers closely at the TV - the DVD DAVE does exactly thesame. DAVE jerks back and falls against the sofa.

GAZ grabs the remote and jams his finger on the off button

- each subsequent GAZ doing the same, fractions of secondsout. The DVD switches off. A black TV screen. GAZ and DAVEboth let out a sigh.

DAVEWhat the hell was that?

GAZWell, I'm hoping it wasn't a cheapporno, as that would require us totake a good hard look in themirror

DAVEI told you it was a bad idea! Itmust be some kind of pirate.

GAZWhat kind of pirate does that?

DAVEHuh. (Pause) Ahh, forget it - I'lltake it back tomorrow night.Blockbusters are gonna wish theyhadn't bothered. Let's just stickit on the movie channel.

DAVE hits the TV remote and changes channel.


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6.

TV VOICEOVER: (O.S.)"Next up: Popcorn and Tears at theready - It's the Ultimate BerniesMarathon!"

DAVESee! Things are looking upalready.

GAZ grabs a cushion from the sofa and covers his face withit. He whacks the cushion hard with his right fistrepeatedly, groaning loudly into it.

CUT TO:


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7.

INT DAVES HOUSE NEXT MORNING

GAZ is asleep, sprawled over the sofa, several emptybottles of beer cluttered around him. DAVE stands in thekitchen, adjusting his tie. He's in a smart black suit. Hethrows an empty wrapper at GAZ.

DAVEOi! Get up.

GAZ groggily peels his head off the faux-leather couch.

DAVE (CONT)You didn't make it to your roomthen, I see...

GAZWhat time did I crash out?

DAVEBernie wasnt even dead yet.

GAZGod, I slept on my arm again.(Starts hitting arm) WAKE UP youlazy bastard! (BEAT) Do you everwonder if one day you'll wake upand the feeling won't come back inthe arm you slept on?

DAVENope. Though I do wonder if I'llwake up one day to find my

expensive continental beers stillin the fridge

GAZSomeones in a nowty mood.

DAVEIve got that interview today.You know the interview Ive beenwaiting fourmonths for.

GAZOh yeah, forgot about that.Thought you were just going foryour 'intellectual' look again.You ready for it?

DAVENo. I'm knackered. I didnt get tosleep 'till bout three.

GAZWhy?

DAVENerves, I guess. Kept having thisweird dream about the interview I

was running from something --


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8.

DAVE looks down onto his jacket, slowly recalling hisdream. He suddenly notices a big curry stain next to one ofthe buttons.

DAVE (CONT)-- What the fuck?!

GAZ(Sheepishly) Oh, yeah I meant totell you about that.

DAVEWhat?

GAZThe other night I got a takeawayon my way home, and as I wasputting it out on a plate Iaccidently flicked a dollop ofcurry sauce onto your jacket which

was hanging over the chair. Itried rubbing the stain off, butit spread it like wildfire.

DAVE puts his head in his hands.

DAVEYou know this is my only suit!

GAZI'm sorry! I was gonna take it tothe dry cleaners, but then Iforgot. It was the best curry I've

had in ages, if that makes youfeel better.

DAVE gives GAZ an evil stare.

GAZ (CONT)You could just put an arm acrossyour chest to cover it until youget a chance to take the jacketoff - the 'Napoleon pose.

GAZ mimes the pose. DAVE shakes his head.

DAVERight - I'm gonna Cillet Bang thehell out of this thing. You caneject that DVD and then let's getsome food, I'm starving.

DAVE begins to furiously scrub the stain. GAZ goes to ejectthe DVD.

GAZIt wont eject.

DAVEJust do it.


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9.

GAZIt wont eject! Its jammed.

DAVEGreat! Two quid for an unwatchablefilm reviewed by the Sport. Andnow it's mashed up my DVD player!Let's just go.

DAVE grabs his keys off the side. GAZ shoves on histrainers. They exit the house, DAVE slamming the door.Inside DAVE'S house, the DVD power light suddenly flasheson. It whirs into action.

CUT TO:


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10.

EXT STREET - MORNING

GAZ and DAVE are pacing down the street. A digital clocktimer suddenly appears, bottom-left of the screen. Startingon 01.30.00, it begins counting down each second.

DAVE suddenly stops and rubs his eyes. He scowls inconfusion. A woman walks past them both.

DAVEDo you see that?

GAZWoah.

GAZ focuses his eyes into the distance.

DAVEWhat is that?

GAZThat cant be real. I mean, thatcant be possible right?

DAVE(Relieved) Thank God it's not justme.

GAZNo, I'm with you mate. Bizarre. Imean How can a backside be thatpert? I sense foul play.

DAVEWhat? No, not the woman! The time!There - counting down.

GAZWhat are you on about?

DAVEIt's sort of in front of us, tothe right. What is that?

The time now reads 01.29.05.

GAZYou know, at times I worry aboutyou, I really do. One of God'sfinest creations walk right pastyou, and you're worried about theflaming time - Jees.

The scene suddenly pauses a moment, DAVE and GAZS actionsfreeze-framed.

JUMP CUT TO:


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11.

EXT STREET 2 MINUTES LATER

DAVE and GAZ are now suddenly further down the street,approaching a cafe. The time now reads 01.27.05.

GAZ

-- and I went: Get out of thedamn broom cupboard! I aint AndyPeters, mate.

DAVE and GAZ suddenly stop. DAVE scowls in confusion.

DAVEDid something just happen there?Did I black out?

GAZI've no idea what I was talkingabout. I've not even got a broomcupboard.

DAVEThere, the timer's counted down -we've just lost two minutes ofconversation. Something'sdefinitely not right.

GAZCompletely - I mean, why would Istart talking about Andy Peters?Here - Gabbies'll sort it.

GAZ points to Gabbies local cafe on their immediate left.

GAZ and DAVE look at the hand-written ad on the front ofthe cafe window. It reads: *NEW! 'The Sloppy Susan' - thedirtiest baps you ever seen!!! 2.99. Free sachet ofMusterd!! (Sic)

GAZ (CONT)The rumours were true! GET IN!

CUT TO:


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12.

INT GABBIES MINUTES LATER

GAZ and DAVE sit in the half-empty cafe. DAVE holds hishead in his hands. The timer reads 01.24.35.

GAZ

Would you snap out of it already?DAVE

Are you sure you cant see thattime?

GAZThere is no time!

DAVEI'm going mental That could becounting down 'til my death.

GAZWell, if it is, at least you'll goout swinging with an artery-bursting burger.

DAVE looks around for a waitress. As he is lookingbackwards, text appears in the top right of the screen,displaying: LANGUAGE CONTROLS.

DAVEHow are we not getting served yet?Where's the waitress? This isn'tClaridges, for Christ's sake.There are about three people in

here.

A drop-down menu appears in the top right of the screen. Itreads: LANGUAGE - SPANISH SUBTITLES.

GAZ (O.S.)(Booming deep Spanish accent) Esprobable que est teniendo unmaricn maoso...

DAVE slowly turns his head back round, and looks at GAZwith a confused expression. English subtitles appear at thebottom, saying She's probably off having a crafty fag.

DAVE (SPEAKING SPANISH)Why are you speaking Spanish?!

DAVE'S eyes look around quizzically, as the Spanish wordsfall from his mouth.

DAVE (CONT) (SPANISH)Why amIspeaking Spanish? (BEAT)I cant even speak Spanish!

GAZ (SPANISH)...None of us are speakingSpanish?

DAVE looks down to the right-hand side.


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13.

DAVE (SPANISH)Please tell me you can see thosesubtitles

GAZ (SPANISH)What?

DAVE (SPANISH)We're both speaking in Spanish,and there are subtitles in Englishappearing to my right, your left.

GAZ (SPANISH)No there arent?

DAVE (SPANISH)Quick, say something in Spanish

GAZ pauses for a second to remember some Spanish.

GAZMe llamo... es un... Gato GrandeGaz.

The words come out in GAZ's voice, instead of dubbing.Underneath in English subtitles we see My name is a bigcat Gaz.

DAVE (SPANISH)Yeah, that was your voice thattime though it was proper brokenSpanish - I'm talking 'Dick vanDyke does Carry on up the

Espanyola!' broken.

GAZ (SPANISH)That's what an 'E' at GCSE getsyou these days.

DAVE (SPANISH)And for some reason its given mea really camp voice!

GAZ (SPANISH)What is this it youre bangingon about?

DAVE (SPANISH)It's gotta be something to do withthat DVD.

A really enthusiastic 'HOLA!' beams from GAZ's left. DAVElooks round to see an old, sour-faced woman with a notepadand pen standing next to their table.

GAZ (SPANISH)Two of your finest 'Sloppy Susans'please, with loads of ketchup. Imtalking somuch ketchup that youwouldnt believe there was a

burger under there. Plus, the freesachet of mustard - the mustard isstill free, right?


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14.

The WAITRESS takes a half-chewed pen from behind her earand scribbles down the order without looking up.

The language options flash on up again: LANGUAGE - ENGLISH- NO SUBTILES. This time, DAVE sees it. He stands up andpoints to his top-left. They are now speaking in Englishagain.

DAVEThere! That's what it is! RightGaz - I need you to head back tothe house.

GAZBut weve just ord --

DAVE(Interrupting) Sod the sluttySusans! Why does this have tohappen now? You need to sort this

DVD out for me - I've got to headto that interview.

GAZ looks a broken man. He grabs his jacket and stands up.The WAITRESS stands, notepad in hand, staring at the pair.She shrugs her shoulders and pops a cigarette into hermouth, lighting up.

DAVE (CONT)Call me when you get back to thehouse. Don't do ANYTHING untilyou've rang me.

DAVE hands GAZ the house keys.GAZ

Youre trusting mewith the housekeys? Youre not well, mate

DAVERing me when you get back. Gaz,Im begging - this interviewsreallyimportant to me dontmess this up!

GAZFine!

GAZ turns to exit the cafe. He turns back to DAVE.

GAZ (CONT)Can I not just order a takeaway,Sloppy Su --

DAVE-- Just go, will you?!

GAZFINE! Im gone.

CUT TO:


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15.

INT DAVES HOUSE - LATER

GAZ barges through the door and straight to the fridge. Heopens a 'Tropicana' and swigs from the carton.

The sound from the TV suddenly catches his attention. He

tentatively closes the fridge door and looks round. On itis DAVE, pacing down the street, looking flustered.

He kicks the pavement and stumbles. The timer on the TVreads 01.10.35

GAZWell Ill be dammed...

GAZ heads into the living room, trainers still on. Hefalls back into the sofa and stares at the TV. He takesanother swig of juice and pulls out his mobile phone,before dialling DAVE.

CUT TO:


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16.

EXT STREET - CONTINUOUS

DAVE still paces down the street, his eyes darting betweenthe pavement and the timer. His phone suddenly rings.

DAVE

What the hell took you so long?GAZ (O.S.)

There was a queue for the cashmachine. People need to get thatonline banking...

DAVE(Irate) I told you to go straighthome!

GAZ (O.S.)Chill out - I made it, didn't I?You won't believe it. You're on

the TV, talking to me.

DAVEWhat dyou mean?

GAZ (O.S.)It's like... you're in the movie.You ARE the movie. And, trust me -the camera does add 10 lbs...

DAVE suddenly stops and looks around.

GAZ (CONT) (O.S.)

Right - what do you want me to do?

The camera instinctively zooms in on DAVE.

DAVEIf this is a DVD...and God knowshow I'm going to explain this tomy mother...then...can't you skipit...forward a bit? Ill know ifIve got the job or not then,without having to do theinterview.

GAZ (O.S.)(Muses) Yeah. Or... backwards?

DAVENO. Absolutely not. I once sawchildbirth in reverse on theDiscovery Channel and it's not apretty picture - trust me. Im notrunning that risk. NO skippingbackwards.

GAZ (O.S.)Wait. If I do skip backwards,where will Ibe? I mean, I was

with you before. If I skipbackwards, will I be back outside


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17.

the cafe as well?.. I could getthat Sloppy Susan after all!

DAVEDont even --

GAZ (O.S.)-- Dont worry, Dave mate! Itllbe alright.

DAVEI'm not joking with you. DON'TTOUCH THAT --

GAZ jams his hand on the 'Previous' button.

CUT TO:


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18.

(REAL) INT - DAVE'S HOUSE CONTINUOUS / (DVD) INT - CAFE -MINUTES EARLIER

GAZ watches the TV as DVD DAVE and DVD GAZ have a previousconversation for the second time.

DVD DAVEI'm going mental... That could becounting down 'till my death.

DVD GAZAt least you'll go out swingingwith an artery-bursting burger.

DVD DAVE looks around for a waitress. GAZ stares at the TV,mouth agog.

GAZI wonder...

He presses the DVD's remote, hitting the language options.It reads: LANGUAGE SPANISH - SUBTITLES.

DVD GAZ (ON SCREEN)(Booming deep Spanish accent)Esprobable que est teniendo unmaricn maoso...

GAZYoure kiddingme.

The conversation from earlier continues, as GAZ watcheson.

GAZ pauses the DVD. DVD DAVE holds his head in his hands.DVD GAZ stares intently into the food menu, about to lookat the WAITRESS. GAZ dials DAVE. No answer. GAZ looks atthe phone: CALLER ID NOT AVAILABLE.

GAZShit!

GAZ hits play again. DVD GAZ orders the sloppy Susans for asecond time. Gaz watches on, distraught.

GAZ

Trust me mate you aint going toget em.

GAZ sighs, pressing the remotes language button again.LANGUAGE - ENGLISH - NO SUBTILES flashes up on the DVD.

DVD DAVEThere! That's what it is! RightGaz - I need you to head back tothe house.

GAZ shakes his head and hits the Previous' button again.

CUT TO:


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19.

(DVD) EXT - STREET - MINUTES EARLIER /(REAL) INT - DAVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

The scene on the TV cuts to the STREET. GAZ staresintently at the screen. The time on the TV now reads01.27.05again.

DVD GAZ-- and I went: Get out of thedamn broom cupboard! I aint AndyPeters, mate.

DVD DAVEDid something just happen there?Did I black out?

DVD GAZI've no idea what I was talkingabout. I've not even got a broomcupboard.

GAZNo, no, no! I've gone and screwedup the space-time continuum!Christopher Lloyd was right

GAZ hits the 'Previous' button for a third time.

CUT TO:


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20.

(DVD) EXT - STREET - MINUTES EARLIER /(REAL) INT - DAVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

On the TV, DVD GAZ and DVD DAVE pace down the street. GAZpresses Previous again: No scene available

GAZHuh.

He presses 'Display' on the remote, which brings a timer onthe bottom-right of the TV screen.

Starting on 01.30.00, it begins counting down each second.DVD DAVE suddenly stops, rubs his eyes, scowling inconfusion.

DVD DAVEDo you see that?

DVD GAZWoah.

DVD DAVEWhat is that?

DVD GAZThat cant be real. I mean, thatcant be possible right?

GAZ jerks back in confusion and amazement, accidentallyleaning on the DVD controls again as he does so.

Simultaneously pressing in the DVD controller's PAUSE and

FORWARD buttons at the same time, the DVD temporarily jams,freezing DVD DAVE AND GAZ before skipping forward.

JUMP CUT TO:


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21.

(DVD) EXT - STREET - MINUTES LATER /(REAL) INT - DAVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

GAZ stares intently at the screen. The time on the TV nowreads 01.27.05again.

DVD GAZ-- and I went: Get out of thedamn broom cupboard! I aint AndyPeters, mate.

GAZWhat the hell was thatconversation about?! Im sick ofAndy bloody Peters.

GAZ taps the 'Forward' button repeatedly, in frustration.It skips forward to the last scene.

JUMP CUT TO:


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22.

(DVD) EXT - STREET - 00.00.60 /(REAL) INT - DAVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

DVD DAVE is running down the street, looking flustered andnervous. GAZ watches the action unfold on screen.

DVD DAVEAre you getting this, Gaz?

GAZWhat? What am I supposed to begetting?

DVD DAVEI dont even know who the hell youare?!

GAZHes officially lost the plot.

DVD DAVEThe case! Hes on the case!

GAZDamn right I am! Im gonna sortthis for you, Dave mate.

GAZ watches as DAVE crosses the road. DAVE suddenly stopsand looks up and to the right.

DVD DAVEInput the damn thing!

GAZHuh?

The timer is now on 10 seconds. DAVE looks distracted.Suddenly, out of nowhere an artic lorry steams towardsDAVE, horn blaring.

GAZWhat the hell?!

DAVE looks in its direction - we see a close up of hisface. He screams. GAZ jams his hand on the 'Previous'button.

CUT TO:


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23.

(REAL) INT - DAVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS /(DVD) INT - INTERVIEW ROOM - 00.10.00

DVD DAVE sits on a plush leather seat, nervously biting histhumbs. He looks around: a half-dozen nervous faces,uncomfortably scanning the room. He looks to his bottom-left, obviously scanning the timer.

GAZ stares at the TV in disbelief.

GAZHes gonna die?! That aint good

GAZ gets out his phone and tries to ring DAVE: Caller IDnot available flashes up.

An attractive mid-twenties RECEPTIONIST strides down thecorridor towards DVD DAVE.

RECEPTIONISTMr. Higgs is ready to see you now.

DVD DAVE stands up and beams at the woman. The woman pursesher red-lipsticked mouth.

RECEPTIONIST (CONT)This way, please.

CUT TO:


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24.

INT - INTERVIEW ROOM - 00.08.50

DAVE walks into the interview room. A middle-aged man in asmart Pin-stripe suit stands up from his desk and walksover to greet DAVE. He holds out his hand.

DAVE's right arm is across his stomach, covering the currystain. He awkwardly contorts his body to get some kind ofhand shake.

BOSSHello. David, is it? Or Dave?

DAVEHi. Either is fine.

BOSSSorry about the icy temperature inhere. Unfortunately we've got aproblem with the radiators. We've

got our best men working on it aswe speak.

The BOSS scowls in confusion at DAVE, noticing hisNapoleon pose.

BOSS (CONT)Are you ok?

DAVE(Looking at arm) Oh, this? I'vejust got some abdominal pain atthe moment. Nothing serious. Hurts

less if my arm is positioned thisway.

BOSSSorry to hear that. We couldreschedule if --

DAVE-- Thanks, but it's fine. We'vejust got a history of ermgastro-intestinal problems in ourfamily tree. Genetics.

BOSSHmm. I see. Please, take a seat.

The boss sits down and writes something down on a piece ofpaper. DAVE looks on, worryingly.

DAVEDo you mind if I take off myjacket?

BOSSErr are you sure? Like I said,its fairly cold in here


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25.

DAVENo worries. Ive got a finelyregulated internal temperature.

He hangs his jacket up on a peg and, with his head facingaway from the boss, mouths the words "SHIT, SHIT, SHIT".The timer reads 00.07.20.

CUT TO:


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26.

INT - DAVE'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

GAZ watches the TV screen intently. He's shoving toffeepopcorn into his mouth and chewing loudly.

GAZ

(Muttering to himself) There's gotto be something on here to stopit

GAZ stares at the remote a moment, before pressing:DISPLAY - DVD COMMENTARY - ON.

GAZGood luck.

CUT TO:


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27.


DAVE continues to placate the BOSS. Hes teeth chatter ashe struggles to brace the cold.

DAVE

...And I learnt, 'Always go forthe mirage, even if it's justultimately a mouthful of sand'

COMMENTARY DAVEGod That was a pretentious line,wasnt it? Definitely a last-minute rewrite.

DAVE jerks his head back, hearing what sounds like hisvoice.

BOSSYes an interesting analogy,

David. Now, tell me about

The BOSS continues to talk, his voice hushed. Over it runsthe DIRECTOR'S COMMENTARY.

DIRECTORAh, this was a very interestingday. That's actually a workingoffice in Margate, you know?Mates rates. We only found outlater about the asbestos problem,didn't we?

DAVE looks confused. He tries to continue answering thequestion.

COMMENTARY DAVEI was sick as a dog for days. Itactually helped me shift a fewpounds. You see, no-one actuallytells you when you're a fatbastard - it's 'un PC'. (BEAT)Oh....wait. Listen to me chew onthe next line. 'Facilitation', wasit?

BOSS

What was your previous role?

DAVEOh! Erm Communication FacliterFAC..

COMMENTARY DAVEYeah! Eat those vowels, bitch!

The DIRECTOR and COMMENTARY DAVE both start laughing.

DAVE(Regaining composure)

...FacilitationOfficer. Sorry, Ialways have troubles with my L's.


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28.

DIRECTORThats called acting, darling.Get used to it.

DAVE(Frustrated) I wish I could justSTOP HAVING THESE PARTICULARPROBLEMS RIGHT NOW... with my L's,and otherthings that shouldn't bescrewing this up for me.

DAVE looks around the room, imploring GAZ at home to dosomething to make it stop.

CUT TO:


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29.


GAZ repeatedly presses the 'Commentary ON / OFF' button.Nothing.

GAZ

Damn cheap Poundland batteries.CUT TO:


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30.


The BOSS scribbles some notes and looks up at DAVE, who hasnow turned a shade of blue from the cold.

BOSS

(Worried looking) Erm... right,ok. So where do you see yourselfin five years time?

DAVE(Listening for voices) Thank God!Theyre gone.

BOSSThey?

DAVENevermind. (PAUSE) Sorry, what wasthe question?

BOSSThatll be all, thank you. Wellbe in touch if --

DAVENO! Please. Im not normally thismental. Im just having an offday. Please, just ask me thatquestion again.

BOSS(Sighs) Where are you in five

years time?

DAVEWell, I see myself within thisorganisation, contributingeffectively --

DIRECTOR(Talking over Dave) Ah! I rememberthis scene! This is the one withthe extra from hell!

DAVE slumps his head in his hands in a resigned fashion.

COMMENTARY DAVEOh, yeah! The Water Boy. When doeshe come in?

DIRECTORAny second

There is a knock at the door of the interview. A young manenters, looking nervous.

WATER BOY(Badly acted) Would... anyone...like glasses of more water, now?


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31.

BOSSWere fine, thanks.

As he leaves, the man briefly looks into the camera, beforeshuffling out.

COMMENTARY DAVEHe looked at the bloody camera!Did you see that? Christ. You justcan't get the staff these days.

DIRECTORHe was my cousin's brother-in-law.Couldn't act his way out of aplastic bag - even if it wassmothering his face...and his rolewas 'Guy getting suffocated todeath with plastic bag'.

DAVE stuffs his fingers into his ears and bangs his head on

the table in frustration. The boss shakes his head.

BOSSRight, that's quite enough. Ithink we can both agree thishasn't gone very well at all. Ithink you should leave.

DAVENo - please - wait!

DIRECTOROh, it's all downhill from here.

The climatic ending awaits...CUT TO:


33/40

32.

INT - DAVES HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

GAZ searches through a set of drawers in the kitchen theres old cutlery, pens and packs of cocktail sticksspilling everywhere. The muffled DVD dialogue plays in thebackground.

GAZHang in there DAVE mate - I'mfinding a battery! (PAUSE) Wherethe hell are the batteries?

CUT TO


34/40

33.


The BOSS angrily jabs his finger at DAVE, red faced andexasperated.

BOSS

How dare you speak that way aboutmy wife! I'll see you never workin this industry again! You'refinished.

DAVEBut

DIRECTORI still think we over-did thegratuitous violence at the end,you know.

COMMENTARY DAVE

No - it was great - an utter bloodbath! Your makeup team reallywere excellent that day...youdestroyed me.

DAVE can take no more. He jerks back from the interviewchair and yanks open the door, running into the mainreception. DAVE shouts, seemingly into mid-air. The workersstop and look to see whats causing the commotion.

DAVEGaz - for GOD's sake - stop this!You're in control! GAZ!

Two security guards head towards DAVE. DAVE panics andbegins to run through the office. The guards chase.

DIRECTORRun all you want - we all knowwhat happens!

DAVE accidently barges into thelipsticked receptionist,causing her to fall hard to the floor.

RECEPTIONISTJerk!

COMMENTARY DAVEShe genuinely did despise me, thatgirl. She stole my sandwiches fromthe fridge on set.

DAVE barges through another set of doors leading to a setof stairs. He clutches onto the banister, hurrying downtowards the exit.

DAVEGAZ! The timer's nearly out - whatdo I do? I don't understand!Please help me!

CUT TO:


35/40

34.

INT DAVES HOUSE - CONTINUOUS

GAZ is surrounded by miscellaneous junk scattered all overthe kitchen floor. He's emptied the contents of all threedraws, bar a roll of wrapping paper stuffed at the back ofbottom one.

He pulls out the paper: one solitary battery nestled in thecorner. He grabs it between thumb and finger, holding it inhis eye-line.

GAZYou canny little bastard! (PAUSE)Right - hang in there Dave - it's'Previous' time!

GAZ runs into the adjoining living room, propelling himselfover the sofa and grabbing the remote. He stuffs the newbattery into the back. On the DVD, Dave bursts out of theinterview building and onto the street.

The timer reads 00.00.60seconds. GAZ jams his finger onthe 'Previous' button. 'Operation locked' flashes on thescreen.

GAZHuh?

GAZ presses the Previous and Pause buttons again:'Operation locked'.

GAZThis is not happening!

Panicking, GAZ runs his fingers over all of the buttons Operation locked flashes up again. On the DVD, the roadappears in the distance. GAZ hovers his finger over theremotes Off button.

GAZDave... Im sorry mate. I dontknow what else to do. Im

GAZ closes his eyes, pressing hard on the Off button. Hetentatively looks up: Operation Locked. He hangs hishead, defeated.

DIRECTORThis scene is what got us the '18'certificate. God, we didn't halfhave to fight the studio for thisending...

COMMENTARY DAVEIm glad we did. The other endingwas a bit clichd and rubbish.

DAVE suddenly stops. GAZ raises his head.

DAVE / GAZ (SPLITSCREEN)

What?


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35.

DIRECTORYes! Of course, that reminds me.I should say - if you got this farwith the commentary -congratulations! You've found thefilm's hidden 'Easter Egg' - thealternate ending.

DAVENo way. This is my chance!

DAVE spots the 00.00.45 on the timer, which causes him tostart running again.

GAZ(At the TV) Would you stop runningalready!

DIRECTORThe wizards in the post department

- that's 'post production', notRoyal Mail, as they're too busylosing important Christmas parcels- have managed to code up a boxwhich will appear on screenshortly. All you got to do isinsert the correct code and pressenter, and you will be taken tothe other ending.

DAVEAre you getting this, Gaz?

GAZ has a eureka moment.GAZ

Ah! This is from before.

DIRECTORI've gone for an easy one. Thecode is just my first name.

DAVEI don't even know who the hell youare?!

DAVE stops and thinks for a couple of seconds.

DAVE (CONT)The case! Hes on the case!

GAZThe DVDcase! Yes - his namell beon there!

GAZ rushes to find the box for the DVD. He scans the backof the pack and finds the name. He lets out a big groan.

GAZFuckin' BERNIE! Typical.


37/40

36.

The counter is down to the last 15 seconds. A box suddenlyappears on screen in the top right. Dave unwittingly stopsin the middle of an empty road, distracted by the box.

DAVEInput the damn thing!

We hear the sound of a truck in the distance. The counteris on 10 seconds. DAVE is too distracted by the box tonotice the oncoming truck.

GAZ adds in one letter at a time, punching in each one asthe seconds count down. DAVE screams as he suddenly noticesthe truck.

With 2 seconds remaining he punches in the last letter andpushes down on the 'enter' button. We hear some kind of'success' sound effect and the screen fades to white.

Text appears on screen, saying: "Alternate ending - This

ending was ultimately dropped due to poor audiencereactions from test screenings."

FADE IN:


38/40

37.

INT - INTERVIEW ROOM - PREVIOUSLY

The BOSS and DVD DAVE are both sitting at the table,laughing. The BOSS puts his finger on the intercom button.

BOSS

Stacey, will you let the rest ofthe rabble out there know that wewon't be requiring their services- we've got our man!

A big grin spreads across DAVE'S face.

DAVEYou mean...

BOSSDavid, I'm delighted to offer youthe position of SeniorFacilitation Officer. Would you

like to accept the job?

DAVE jumps out of his seat.

DAVEYES!

He grabs the BOSSS hand.

DAVE (CONT)(Sincerely) I won't let you down,boss...

BOSSI know, Dave. I know.

The boss looks at him like a proud father would his son.DAVE exits the interview room and heads to the receptiondesk.

RECEPTIONISTCongratulations on getting thejob!

DAVEWell, Stacey, maybe we could

celebrate over Dinner sometime?RECEPTIONIST

(Flirtatiously) I'm not really a'dinner' kinda girl. (BEAT) I muchprefer breakfast in bed...

DAVEI normally skip breakfast...butwith you Id go in for secondhelpings.

They smile and stare into each others eyes.

DAVE (CONT)Ciao.


39/40

38.

DAVE throws his jacket over his shoulder and swaggers outof the room into the lift. He gets to the exit of thebuilding and the doorman holds open the door for him.

DOORMANHave a good day, Sir.

Dave pauses and looks towards the doorman with a wry smileon his face.

DAVEIm sure I will, Mr Doorman. Imsure I will!

In the distance we see DVD GAZ walking towards DAVE. Hegets closer and the two guys hug.

DAVEYou did it, Gaz mate. I dont knowhow but you did it.

DVD GAZThats what best friends are for,arent they?

DAVECome on lets get ourselves acouple of Sloppy Susans. Theyreon me.

DAVE walks out onto the pavement, thrusts his handtriumphantly into the air and shouts

'YEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSS!' We freeze on a close-up of hisbeaming face, which fades out to black.

CUT TO:


40/40

39.


GAZ is sitting on the couch, remote in hand, with adisgusted look on his face.

GAZ

Ugh...1:99 - for this shit?!THE END

straight to dvd

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