Smithy

ByEdgarWallace

Smithy

1.—THEADJUTANT'SMADNESS

MILITARY"crime"isnotcrimeatall,aswelaw-abidingcitizensrecognizeit.Theoutbreak in theAnchesterRegimentwasnotavery seriousaffair; fromwhat I can gather, itmostly took the formof breaking out of barracks after"lightsout."But,explainedSmithy,itgotabittoothick,andoneoftheconsequenceswasthat the guardwas doubled, picketswere strengthened, and the ranks of theregimental military police were, as a temporary measure, considerablyaugmented. I explain this for the benefit of my military readers, who maywonderhowitwasthatbothSmithyandNobbyClarkhappenedtobetogetheronNumberOnepostonthenightofTheAdjutant'sMadness.

"Iwastellin'thetroopsonlytheothernight,"saidSmithy,"whatwould'appeniftheydidn'tgiveoveractin'thebillygoat." 'Some of you bloomin' recruits,' I sez, 'think you're doin' somethin' verywonderful,climbin'overthewall,an'goin'intotownwhenyououghttobeinbedasleep;butit'sthelikesofme,an'Nobby,and'AppyJohnson,chapswithtwelveyears'service,who'sgottosuffer.I'llbetyouoldUncleBillwillstartdoublin'theguardto-morrer.'"'Don'tbedown'arted;Nobbysez;'takeabrighterviewoflife,Smithy.'"Sureenough,nextdayitcameoutinordersthattheguardwastobedoubled,an'mean'Nobbywasforit."When we mounted guard, the Adjutant, old Umferville, came over an'inspectedus."'Who'sfirstreliefonNumberOnepost?''esez."'Clarkan'Smith,sir,'sezthesergeant." 'Idon'twantyouchapstomaketoomuchnoisewalkin'about,orshoutin','seztheAdjutant,an'I'mblowedif'isfacewasn'tasredasapiller-box."'What'sthematterwithUncleBill?'sezNobby,aswewasmarchin'off."'Ibelieve'e'sfrightenedaboutsomethin','Isez,puzzled."NumberOne post is between the back of theAdjutant's 'ouse and thewallwhere the chapsnipover. It used tobe theColonel's 'ouse;butwhenUncleBillgotmarriedacoupleofyearsago,theColonelgenerously'andeditover,an'tookan'ouseintownthatwasn'tsodamp."Itwasthemostexcitin'guardmean'Nobbyeverdid,an'itwasallthroughUncleBill.Youneversawsuchgoin'soninyourlife.'Edodgedinan'outof'is 'ousealldaylong. 'E'dstart towalkacrossthesquare,thenstop,asif 'e'dforgotsomething,thenwalkbacktothe'ouse,thenwalkoutagain,thenstopan'bite'isnailsan'staremoreghastlyatnothin'."Onceas 'ewaspassin',mean'Nobbyshoulderedarmsto 'im,an'estoppeddead an' looked at us. 'E didn't move, but stood stock still for about fiveminutes starin' atme an'Nobby, sayin' nothin', an'me andNobby felt quiteuncomfortable."'Everythingallright,sentry?''esezatlast."'Yes,sir,'sezmean'Nobby."'Sentry—''esez,thenstopped."'Whichone,sir?'sezNobby,an'theofficerstared."'Aretheretwoofyou?''esez.

" 'Yes, sir,' sezme an'Nobby, an' e got very red an'muttered somethin' an'walkedoff."Wewastalkin'aboutitintheguardroomthatnightwhenwewasdrinkin'ourguardallowance—onepintaman,accordin'toregulations.Alltheotherchaps'adnoticedUncleBill'sstrangeness,too."'It'sdrink,'sezNobby,shakin' 'is 'ead. 'Wotapitytoseeaporeyoungchapgo wrong, all for the sake of the cursed liquor—after you with that pot,Smithy.'"'You've'adyourwhack,Nobby,'Isez;'don'tcomeitonapal.'"'DidI?'sezNobby.'Imust'avebeenthinkin'oftheAdjutant.'"'Ithink'es'aunted,'sezachapfrom'D'—ayoungchap." ''Aunted!' sezNobby, scornful. 'Why, thereain'tnoghostsafterChristmas,fat'ead!'"'NevermindaboutChristmas,'seztheyoungchap;'it'smybelief'es'aunted,there'saspiritorsomethin'follerin''imabout.''Dryup,'sezNobby,shudderin',formean'imwasontheworstrelief,tentomidnight,an'fourtosix."Whenwemountedat'lastpost'Nobbyseztome:—"'Doyouthinkthere'sanythin'inthatghostidea,Smith?'"'No,'Isez.'Still,'Isez,'youneverknow.'" 'What's that?' sezNobby,pointin' toa shaddermovin' along thewall.So Ishouts"''Alt!—whogoesthere?'"ItturnedouttobelittleBobbyBurnstryin'tobreakoutofbarracks,an'mean'Nobbycaptured'iman'shoved'imintheclink."Justbeforetwelvemean'Nobbywasstandin'atease,whenwe'eardamost'orridgroan.Wejumpsroundwithour 'arts inourmouths,an' therewas theAdjutantinisovercoatan'slippers."'Whatthedickensareyoustarin'at?''esez."'Begpardon,sir,'stammersNobby,'Ithoughtyouwasaghost!'"ButtheAdjutantdidn'tseemto'earwhatwesaid.'Ejustwalksupan'downmutterin'tohisself.Bimeby'esez,'Keepasharplook-out,an'don'tmaketoomuchnoise—d'yehear,youClark;d'ye'ear,youSmith?''esezfiercely."'Yes,sir,'sezmean'Nobby;an'thentheAdjutantwentindoors."'Drink,'sezNobbysolemnly.'Letthisbeawarnin'toyou,Smithy.'

"When we come on duty again at four in the mornin', the two chaps werelieved looked scared out of their lives. 'I shall be bloomin' gladwhen itsdaylight,'sezoneof'em;'we've'adan'orridtime.'"'Owso?'sezNobby."'TheAdjutant'sgoneorf'isnapper:mad,that'swot'eis,'sezthechap.''E'sbin walkin' up an' down talkin' to 'isself an' moanin' an' chuckin' 'is armsabout.'" 'Nicething,ain'tit?'sezNobby,afterwewasposted; 'ifyouaskme—why,'erethebeggarcomesagain.'"'Whatshallwedo?'Isez."'Waittill'egetsviolent,thenbang'imwiththebuttofyourrifle.'"'Youdoit,'Isez."'No,you'dbetterdoit,Smithy;you'retheoldestsoldier!'"UpcomesUmferville,andI'lltakemyoaththerewastearsin'iseyes." 'Sentry' 'e sez in a chokin' voice, 'challenge all persons approachin' yourpost.'"'Yes,sir,'sezmean'Nobby."'Don'tallownobodytopasswithoutchallengin', ' 'esezwildly,an'thenrunbackto'is'ouselikemad."'Balmy,'sezNobby;'let'sgoan'tellthesergeant.'"'Betterwait,'Isez.Sowewaited." 'Thebeggar 'ain'tbintobed,'sezNobbyafterabit, 'there's lightsinall therooms.'" 'Iwonderwhat 'ismissusthinks,'Isez,an'IfeltsorryforMrs.Umferville,who'saladybredan'born."ItwantedaboutanhourtodaybreakwhenoutrushestheAdjutantagainan'makesstraightforus." ''Ere 'ecomes,'Isez,liftin'upthebuttofmyrifle. 'Nobby,you'reevidencethatIonly'it'imtosaveyourlife,'Isez."'Yourlife!'sezNobbyhastily."UpcomesUmferville,sortoflaughin'an'cryin'."'Sentry,'esez,'wotaboutyourorders?'"'Wotorders,sir?'Isez." 'Someone'scomeintobarracks,' 'esezexcitedly,an'you'aven'tchallenged'im.'

"''Eain'tpassed'ere,'sezmean'Nobbytogether."'Yes,'e'as,'seztheAdjutant.'Listen'"Welistens."''Earanythin'?'seztheAdjutant.SuddenlyNobbyletsoutayell."'Guard,turnout,''eshouts,an'outcometheguardwitharun."'Wot'sup?'sezthesergeantoftheguard."'Presentarms!'sezNobby,'totheAdjutant'snewbaby,''esez."

2.—MILITARYMOTORING

"WHAT'LLbethebadgeforthat?"askedSmithyWeweretalkingofthenewcourseofmilitarymotoringthatiscontemplated."Cross' guns for marksman, cross' flags for signaller, cross' swords forinstructor,cross'choppersforpioneer."musedSmithy."Crosspedestriansformilitarychauffeur,"saidIhumorously."Cross corpses, if I know anything about it," said Smithy pessimistically."SomeofthechapsIknowwhoaregoin'informotorin'Iwouldn'ttrustwithaclock-workp'rambulator.""Asyousay,"Ibegan."There—""Letalonemotor-cars,"interruptedSmithygloomily."Ofcoursethereare—""Letalonebloomin'motor-cars,"repeatedSmithy,withaknowingnodofhishead."Isuppose,"hewenton,"youdon'thappentoknowSpudMurphy,of'B'—he'sdoin'dutynow,butheusedtobegroom-of-the-chamberstoMajorWhat's-his-name?"IknowhundredsofSpudMurphys;butIcouldnotrecallthisparticularone."Youwouldn't think," saidSmithy, impressively, that a tin-eyed roosterwithfour years' service, a low down cellar-flapper from Islington that joined theArmytogetawayfromthepolice,would 'avethenecktoapplyforajobasshovertoachoof-choof?""Ishouldimagine,"Iremarkedgently,"thatthepositionofchauffeurrequires—"

"Well," went on the indignant Smithy, "this unmentionable person did. YouknowUncleBill?"I ownedup to an acquaintancewith that very kindly youngofficer,CaptainUmfreville,ofSmithy'sbattalion."Uncle Bill," said the irreverent soldier, "is one of the widest chaps in theregiment.Therewasamanintownwhowasagentforallkindsofmotor-cars,buttheonehewasmostfondofwasalittlethingheinventedhisself.Afour-'orse-powermachinewithbicyclewheels.Hecalleditthe'Ravin'Jupiter,'anditwasoneofthemrun-away-and-play-whilst-papa-mends-the-carburatorsortofmachines."Well,UncleBillturnsupinbarrackonedayaslargeaslife,sittin'inasortofbassinette and steam roller combined. He'd bought a 'Ravin' Jupiter,' and,what'smore,he'dgotitcheap."Peopleusedtolarf,especiallywhenithurtsomebody;butUncleBillknewathingortwo."Aweekafterwardshe turnedupwithaninety-'orse-powerLittleNipper,orNipperMinor,orsomethingofthesort."His'Ravin'Jupiter'hadgonewrong,andwhileitwasbein'rightedthemakerhadlenthimthiscar."I can tell you," said Smithy, with a reminiscent grin, "that old Uncle Billdidn'tusethat 'Ravin'Jupiter'threetimesayear;mostlyhewascuttin'roundthecountryintheNipper,oraDamyer,oraPoosher,wotwaslenthimwhilethe'Ravin''carwasgettin'anewinside.The artfulness of Captain Umfreville caused Smithy a few minutes'amusement.Then he returned with a scowl to the enormities of the miserable SpudMurphy."Spudcomestomeonedayan'sez,'I'mgoin'tobeBill'sshover.'"'Bill'showmuch?'Isez."'Bill'schoofer,'hesez."'Wotdoyouknowaboutmotor-cars?'Isez."'Elarfs.'Neveryoumind,'esez;'I'vedriv'aninginbeforenow,''esez."'Beeringin?'Isez."'No,'esez,'arealinginatasawmills.'"SoSpudgothisjob,"Smithywenton,"an'foraweekhewasmessin'abouttheparadegrounddoin' fancywork,withUncleBillsittin'byhissidegivin'instructions.

"Weusedtositoutsidethecanteenandwatchhimandtheofficer."'Eusedtoplayonthethingwithhis'andsandfeet,andthetunes'egotoutofitwasextr'ord'nary.Billwasawonderfulinstructor."'Marktimeonthatblankyclutch,'he'dyell,andSpudwouldputhisfootonthebrake-pedal."'Theotherfoot,yousoor,'Bill'dshout,he'avin'beeninIndiawiththeotherbattalion."''Arfright!'AndSpudwouldgivethesteerin'-wheelayanktotheleft,an'thelanguageofthecaptainwasadisgracetohiscompany."I tellyouSpudperspired,buthepersevered, too,andused towork in littlebits he learnt at the sawmill, andone dayhe comesup tome as pleased asPunch,an'wavesabito'bluepaper."'I'vegotmelicence,'hesez."'O,'sezNobbyClark—acaution,heis—'Isupposethey'llletyououtwithoutachainnow,''esez."'Don'tyoubefunny,'sezSpud;'I'malicensedshover.'"'What'sthat?'Isez.'Frenchforbeer-canboyatasawmills?'"Well,rightenough,aboutaweekafter,meandacoupleofchapswaswalkin'out inthecountry—itwasaSunday—whenwe 'eardamotor-carcomin'upbehind."'Hoomp!Hoomp!Hoomp!'"Then,likeaflashofdirtylightnin',somethin'dashedpastinacloudofdust,andtherewasmeandtheotherchapscoveredalloverwithmuck,andasmellintheairlikeaparaffinstove."Bimeby," resumedSmithy,"wecomesupwithamotor-carpulledupat thesideofaroadwithsomebodycrawlin'underneath."'There'sonlyonemanintheworldthattakesfourteenboots,'sezNobby,'andthat'sSpudMurphy;'sowepulls'imout."'Now,then,youmen,'sezSpud,doin'thehaughtyact,'justleavemealone,willyer?'"What'sup,Spud?'Isez."'Theoff'indcylinder'ascomeintocontactwiththesparkin'plug,'sezSpud,asboldasbrass."'Sawmills,'sezNobbyClarksoftly." 'Wot are you goin' to do?' I sez, and the other chaps started lookin'underneathtoo.

" 'I shall petrolize the trembler, and throw back the clutch into the ignitioncoil,'sezSpud,shuttin''iseyesandthinkin'."'Sawmills,'sezNobbyClarkquiteplainly."Spudgivehimalook,thendivesunderneaththecarwithaspanner,whilemean'Nobbytriedtoseewhatmadethefog'ornwork."'Oomph!'"''Ere,'sezSpudMurphy,underneaththecar,'justyouleavethat'ornalone.'"'Oomph!'"Spudwriggledoutfromunderthecarwithaspannerinone'andandaoilcanintheother."'Ewasredintheface,an'aswildasanything."'Didn'tItellyoutoleaveitalone?''eseztoNobby."'Sawmills!'sezNobby;andthat'swhySpud'it'im."Smithyheavedasigh."Takemytip,don'tyouever try toseparate twochapswhenonechaphasaspannerinhis'and,"hesaid,andcontinued:—"Well,Spudlost'isjob,foracoupleofred-capscameupan'pinched'im,an'thecar 'ad tobedraggedhomebya fatigueparty, andUncleBilldriveshisowncarnow;he'sfedupwithmilitaryshovers,andwon't'aveanother.""Howdoyouknow?"Iaskedcuriously."Iofferedtodrivefor'im,"saidSmithymodestly.

3.—ADVERTISINGTHEARMY

"IT'sagreatthing,gettingastaffbillet,"remarkedPrivateSmithy,resplendentin mufti of the hand-me-down pepper-and-salt variety. Smithy wore mufticonsequent upon his recent appointment as groom to Major Somebody-or-Other, Deputy-Assistant-Adjutant-General (a) to Goodness- Knows-What-District."It's a relief to get out of regimentals," he sighed, self-consciously thrustingfingersintounaccustomedpockets.Iventuredtomurmurthathelookedeversomuchbetterinascarletcoatandwhitebelt,butSmithydemurred."Redtunicsisallrightinaway,"heremarkedphilosophically,"butgivemeasmartciviliansuit,turn-downcollar,andapairofbrownbootsforachange."AtSmithy'srequestI"waitedabit"whilstheexploredasmalltobacconist'sin

theHighStreet.Hereturnedafterashortabsence,redintheface,buttriumphant."Sevenforashilling—andanimitationcrocodile leathercasethrownin,"heexplained. "Have one?" Smithy added,with the air of a connoisseur, that itwas"almostunpossibletobuyagoodcigarundertuppence."Twodraws convincedme that itwas quite as impossible to get the genuinearticleattherateofashillingforseven."Theredcoatattractsafew,I'lladmit,"resumedSmithy."I'veknowntwosillyjossersinmytimewho'vejoinedtheArmyforthesakeofthescarlet.Onegothisticketthreemonthsafter.""Ticket," I may say in parenthesis, is the terse barrack-room formula forcertificateofdischarge."Colourblind,'ewas,"Smithywenton,withanamusedsmile."No,redcoatsdon't bring recruits, nor," addedSmithy emphatically, "nothing that theWarOfficeeverdidbringsrecruits."Wewerepassingahoardingashespoke,andsuddenlyclutchingmyarm,hestoppeddeadandpointedtoaplacard.Itwasneatlyprintedinredandblue,andwasaboutthesizeofanewspapercontentsbill.Itran:

RECRUITSWANTEDFOREVERYBRANCHOF

THEARMYGODSAVETHEKING!

Inodded,andweresumedourwalk."God save theKing!" repeated Smithy flippantly. "God save theKing if hedon'tgetnomorerecruits thanthat therenoticewillbringhim!"andSmithylaughedsarcastically.Hewassilentforawhile,andsooccupiedwithhisthoughtsthatIwasabletodropmycigardownafriendlydrainwithoutobservation."Theycan'tgetrecruitsnowadays,"heresumedatlength,andthen,strikingoffatatangent,"Whydofellersenlist?"I thought it might be for the glory of a noble profession, and ventured toexpressthisthought.Smithy'sreplywasconveyedinonecoarse,contemptuousword."DoyouknowwhyIenlisted?"heasked.Ididnothazardanopinion,andhecontinued:"Broke,"hesaidtersely."Broketothewide,wideworld;outofajobandhadarowwiththegirl—butmostlyI

wasoutofajob."Showmeasoldier,"saidSmithy,withasortofgloomyenthusiasm,"andI'llshowyouamanwhoatsometimeorotherhasgotdowntohislasttanner."Mindyou,"headdedcautiously,"therearethousandsofchapsintheArmy—sergeants on the strength and all that,who'vegot onwell and 'ave educatedtheirselves—they'lltellyou,ifyouask'em,whythey'listed;it'sbecausetheystruckpawitharollofmusicandranawayfromhome."Smithyendedthisspeechinahoarsefalsetto,presumablyinimitationofsomepersonorpersonsunknown."Why!" Iknowaman—quartermaster-sergeant,who'sgot twohousesofhisown,andcanvamptheaccompanimenttoanysongyoulike.Whenhe'listedhewalkedintobarracksonhisuppers."And now he's got two houses—being a quartermaster-sergeant," addedSmithydarkly,andnotalittlevaguely."AndsolongastheWarOfficeistheWarOffice,"hewenton,"you'llalwayshaveanarmyofhard-ups.Becausewhy?""Because,"Isubmittedrathersadly,"thegreaterbulkofthepopulation—""Not a bit," said the optimist, demolishing the results of systematicobservationwithafinedisregardforstatistics."Notabit.It'sbecausetheWarOfficedon'tknowwhatattractssoldiers."Why!may Ibe (threeexpurgatedwords) if Ididn't seeabill theotherdayoutsideSt.George'sBarracks—itwascalled'TheAdvantagesoftheArmy'—andwhatdoyouthinkthepicturesonitwereabout?"One showedwhat a happy life a fine young feller could lead in theRoyalEngineers.PictureoftwoporeTommiesintheirshirt-sleevescarryingaboutatonofwood,whilstthreeotherswasdiggin'abigholeintheground.'Bridge-buildin'andTrenchin','saidthepicture."Didn'tyoubuyoneofthembookstheywasadvertisingsomuchlastyear?"Smithyaskedabruptly.Iconfessed."Did theysendyouabookshowingyou theadvantagesofbuyinga—what-do-you-call-itBritannia?"Iowneduptothreepamphlets,eightletters,andatelegram."Ah!"saidSmithycraftily,"anddidtheysendyouapictureshowingyouhowyoumightgetthebrokersinifyoudidn'tpayyourinstalment?No,ofcoursetheydidn't.Well,this'erebillhadsixpictures.Aporeslaveofalancercleanin'his saddlery—advantagesof thecavalry;aTommygotup inmarchin'order,

withfiftypoundsofequipmentonhisback—advantagesoftheLine;andsoon. What made 'em stop short of havin' one showin' Tommy being frog-marched to the clink," added Smithy, with gentle irony, "an' labellin' it.'AdvantagesoftheCanteen,'Ican'timagine.""WhatwouldattractadesirableclassofrecruitstotheArmy?"Imadeboldtoask."You'lllaughwhenItellyou,"saidSmithyveryseriously."Aneatuniformforwalkin'out;neatregulationbootsinsteadofbeetlecrushers;acapthatain'tapastrycook'scap."Makeyourbloomin' soldieradvertise theArmymakehim looksoaseverycounter-jumpin', quill-pushin' board-school boy who thinks 'es a cut aboveTommywillbeproudtochangeclotheswithhim.Dresshimasuglyasyoulikeforfightin';butwhenhe'sathome,wherehe'llmeethispalsand,likelyasnot, the girl he left his happy home for, give him a uniform that a civilianmightenvy."Smithygrewwarm."IfyouwanttoshowtheadvantagesoftheArmyinpictures,giveapictureofa soldier as he fancies himself best. Show his institutes; show him playin'billiards;showhiminIndialyin'on'ischarpoywithabloomin'niggerservanttakingorfhisbootsandanotheronepullin'apunkah.ShowhiminChinaridin'likealordinaricksha;showhiminhiswhitehelmetsmokin'acigar—tenforfourannas—orinGibraltarseein'abull-fight;butdon'tshowhiminhisshirt-sleevescarryin'coal!"Iwassayinggood-bye toSmithywhenNobbyClarkof"B"Companymetus.Rude criticism of Smithy's civilian clotheswas followed by a proposal thatSmithyshouldaccompanyNobbyforastrollroundthetown.Smithydrewhimselfup."Ihope,PrivateClark,"hesaidhaughtily,"thatIrespectmyselftoohighlytobeseenwalkingaboutthestreetswithacommonsoldier!"

4.—ARMYMANNERS

Officers commanding regiments are instructed to note among theirsubordinates such defects as shortness of temper or weakness of characterlikelytoharmthemintheircareer.—videArmyOrder.ISTEPPEDbackquicklyon to thekerb; thecabwheel thatbrushedagainstthesleeveofmycoatspatteredmewithblackmud.

Thecabmanthrewoverhisshouldertherudestexpressionhecouldsummonatthe moment, and I, who am a terrific linguist where the bad language offoreigncountriesisconcerned,firedoffthreechoicemorselsofTamil,which,had theybeen translated,wouldhavebrought thatcabmanback thirsting formyblood.Smithy,fromaplaceofsafetyonthepavement,chuckled."Don't lose your temper," advised my military friend—on furlough, by theway,andspendingtheChristmasholidayswithamarriedsisteroffPortobelloRoad. "Puttin' downbad temper's anewArmy reform."Wehad crossed theroadinsafetyandwerewalkingupQueenVictoriaStreet."Wot we want in the Army nowadays is politeness; bad language we can'tabide; if we can't be good soldiers, let's be little gentlemen. TheAnchesterRegiment is the politest regiment goin' ; they call us the 'After you's'; ourmottois, 'Quofusetgloriaducunt,'whichmeans, 'It'sfarbettertobedecentthanglorious';infact—""Infactyou'retalkingalotofrot,"Isaidirritably.Smithysmiledinasuperiorway."Theotherday,"hewenton,withouttakingfurthernoticeofmyinterruption,"we'adalecture;UncleBillitwas,thechapthat'adthemotor-car.'Companywillparadeat11a.m.in"B"Company'sbarrack-roomforalectureonmilitarymanners,byCaptainUmfreville.'"Wealllikelectures,"explainedSmithy;"youcansitdownto'em,an'there'sgenerallyafireintheroom.Well,UncleBillstartsoffwithalongyarnaboutanewArmyOrder, sayin' that chapsmust not lose their temperswithotherchaps; they ought to be polite an' kind an' courteous, an' he finishes up bysayin'hehopedhe'd seean improvement in thecompany, thatbeforewe letourangrypassionsriseweoughttocounttwenty."After lectureweallgoesovertothecanteen;mean'NobbyClarkan'SpudMurphyan'UglyJohnson.All the chaps was talkin' about Uncle Bill's lecture, an' a chap of the 'G'Companysaysthey'sbinhavin'alecturetoo,aboutlosin'yourtemper,infact,thewholebloomin'regimentwaslecturedonit."Wetakeitinturnstobuybeer,"explainedSmithy;"thisdayithappenedtobeSpud'sturn,butheseemedtoforgetit."'Pardonme,Spud,'sezNobby,aspoliteasyouplease,'talkin'aboutbeer—'"'Iwasn'ttalkin'aboutbeer,dearfriend,'sezSpud,liftin'hiscap." 'Well,' sez Nobby, tryin' to smile in a friendly manner, 'suppose you talkaboutit—comrade?'

"Nobby nearly choked sayin 'Comrade,' owin' to his hatin' Spud Murphyworsethanpoison."SoSpudshutshiseyesan'makesanoiselikeachapthinkin'.'Um—m—ah—oh,yus,'etcet'ra,whilstmean'theotherchapsstoodgaspin'foradrink." 'Whenyou'vedonemakin'faces,'sezNobby,gettin'redintheface, 'p'raps,gallantcomrade,you'llbuysomebeer.'"'Itain'tmyturn,dearNobby,'sezSpud,asboldasbrass."Nobbysortofwentblue." 'Notyourturn!' 'esezinan'uskyvoice, 'notyourturn—gallantsoldier;notyourbloomin'turn—brother?'"'No,'sezSpudshortly;'Iboughtityesterday—comrade.'"Nobbylooksroundatallthechapswhowaswatchin' 'imbepolitetoSpud,an'sez:—" 'Bought ityesterday—comrade?Why,youfunny-facedperisher, itwasMewotboughtityesterday!'"'Bepolite,'sezSpud;'don'tloseyourtemper,''esez'oryou'llbegettin.whatyou'reaskin'for,''esez."'Wot'sthat?'sezNobby,'beer,youdaylightrobber,youthievin'recruit!'"'Wotyou'reaskin'for—comrade,'sezSpud,stilltryin'tobepolite,'isathickear.'"SmithywentontoafaithfulrecitalofwhatPrivateClarkhadsaidinresponsetothisthreatofpersonalviolence.ForreasonspurelyprivateIsuppresstheluriddetails."SoatlastNobbypaidforhisownpint,"Smithyresumed,"andsatinacomerby hisself, countin' twenty. For about a week after the barracks was like aSundayschool."Theorderlysergeantcomin'roundtowarnchapsfordutywaslikeaparsongivin'outnoticesjustbeforethecollection."'IsPrivateJordanhere?'sezthesergeant."'Yes,Sergeant,'sezJerryJordan."'IregretthatImustwarnyouforpicketdutyto-morrowevenin'.'"'Thankyoukindly,Sergeant,'sezJerry,who'dmadearrangementstotakehisgirloutthatnight."'IsPrivatePurserhere?'"'Yes,Sergeant,atyourservice,'sezLongPurser.

" 'It'smypainfuldutytoinformyouthatyoumustappearatcompanyofficetomorrowmorningtoanswerthechargeofnotcomplyingwithanorder.'"'Don'tmentionit,Sergeant,'saidPurser."OnenightNobbycomestomean'sez, 'Look 'ere,Smithy,I'maboutfedupwiththiscountin'business.'"'Areyou,comrade?'Isez." 'Not so much of the "comrade," ' sez Nobby nastily; 'I'm gettin' tired ofhearin'SpudMurphycallme"olefriend"an'"chummy"an'"comrade,"an'theverynexttimehecomessnackin'me,I'llputhimthroughthemill.'"'Willyou,dearfriend?'sezI."'Yes,Iwill,fat'ead,'sezNobby."Nextday,mean'Nobbybein'orderlymen,wewentdowntothecookhouseaboutfouro'clocktodrawthetea."Spud'sourcook;soNobbysezto'im:—" 'Ullo, greasy, wot's the price of drippin'?' Spud's got a second-classcertificate,soratherfancieshisself."'Bealittlemorepolite,PrivateClark,''esezinaloudvoiceso'sthesergeant-cookcouldhear."SoNobbysezsomethingtohim."'Didyou'earthat!'sezSpudinan'orrifiedvoice."SoNobbysezsomethingelseto'im." 'Don't use that language in this clean cook'ouse.' sez Spud loudly, but thesergeantdidn'ttakenonotice.'I'msurprisedatyou,PrivateClark,losin'yourtemperlikethat.'"SoNobbysezsomethingelseto'im."'Saythatagain,'sezSpud,takin'offhiscoat."'Counttwenty,'sezNobby,withasneer,'likeIdo.'"'Saythatagain,'sezSpud,soNobbydid."Smithypausedtoruminateonthatjoyousmemory."Wegot 'emapart at last, an' the sergeant-cook fell-in four of us toput 'embothintheguard-room."Nextmorning theywasbothupatcompanyoffice.an'UncleBill sez, 'Didyoucounttwenty,Clark?'"'Yes,sir,'sezNobby,'fiveatatime,''esez."'IoughttosendyoubeforetheColonel,'sezUncleBill,butIwon't;you'llbe

bothletorfwithacaution.'""That was very sporting on the part of Umfreville," I remarked in somesurprise."Yes,"saidSmithy,withaghostofasmile."UncleBilldoesn'tliketakin'menbeforetheColonel.""Why?"Iasked."Himan'theColonelain'tonspeakingterms,"explainedSmithynaïvely.

5.—THEUMPIRE

SMITHYsprawledlazilyonthegrassycliff.Agentlebreezeblewinfromthesouth,andtheglassy,sunlitseawasdottedwithladentransportboats.Grazingwithin a radius affordedby the loose rein thatSmithyheldwas themajor'shorse. In thesoiledmustard-colouredgarb that thesoldieraffectsonmanoeuvres, Smithy had followed both Red and Blue forces, for MajorSomebody-or-other,whoseserfhewas,hadbeenumpiring."If," said Smithy reflectively, "ifwe'd foughtwith umpires in SouthAfrica,whodoyouthinkwouldhavewon?"Icantellyou,"hewenton,withoutwaitingforananswer."TakeLadysmith.Why, if that jobhadbeenpart ofmanoeuvres, you'dhave seen twenty littleumpirescomestreakingupintheirPanniersandNapiersandBabyPeugeots,blindingtheBoerswithdust,andthey'dhavehadaconferenceonWagonHillandthenthey'd'vesentforGeorgeWhite." 'Goodmornin',SirGeorge,' they'dsay. 'Fineweatherwe'rehavin'. 'Owarethe birds in this part of the world?My fifty-horse-power Damyer put up adozen brace between here andColenso,' they'd say. ThenSirGeorgewouldtalkabouttheshootin'."'Oh,bytheway,'seztheumpire,'wotaboutLadysmith?'"'Wotaboutit?'sezSirGeorge."'Well,'sezoneoftheumpires,polishin'hismotor-goggles,'Ithinkyou'reoutofaction,don'tyou?'"SirGeorgegetshuffy."'Nothin'ofthesort,'hesez;'IcanholdLadysmithformonthsandmonths,'hesez."Thenalltheumpireslarf,exceptonewithspectacles." 'Pardonme,' sez this one, 'you don't seem to understand that the strategic

defensivecallsforthepreponderanceofthetacticaldefensive—'" 'Youdryup,'sezSirGeorgequick; 'I'mgoin' toholdLadysmithaslongaswe'vegotbootstoeat.'"Buthe'dhavehadtogivewaybeforetheumpires,andLadysmithwouldhavegonein."Then,"wentonthegreatman,"takeColenso.Theumpireswould'avegoneuptoBotha—no,Idon'tknowhowthey'dhavegottohimunlesstheywentupinaballoon—andtherewouldbemeboldBothadirectin'thefireoftheFirstLoyalSjamboks."'Ceasefire,'shouttheumpires,andBothastares.'Wotfor?'hesez."You're defeated,' sez the umpire, and then goes on affably: 'What sort of aseasonareyouhavin'inthispartoftheworld?Niceweatherforthecrops,Bythebye,asIwascomin'alonginmyninety-fourhorse-powerWolseley,Iputuptwentybrace—'"ThenBothagetsmad." 'What thehowlingraadzaaldoyoumeanbysayin' thatI'mdefeated,whenI'vegotapositionhere that IcouldholdforamonthofSundays?'hesezaswildasanything."Theumpiregetsverystiff."'I'dhaveyouknow,General,thatyou'renotallowedtoholdthisposition.'"Why?'sezBotha,veryastonished."Becauseit'soutofbounds,'seztheumpireandsowe'dhavegotColenso."Smithy stopped towatchabare-footed sailor,with two littleyellowand redhand-flags,waveerraticarmsseaward.Hespeltoutthemessage,havingsomeknowledgeofthesemaphore."Make—your—own—arrangements," spelt Smithy, and added, with a drylaugh,"That'sjustthebloomin'thingtheumpiresdon'tallowfor."I remember once," he continued,with unaccustomed animation, "whenweweremessingaboutafterDeWet.Youknowthesortofthing—twentymilesadayineverydirection.EverynightweusedtocomeuptotheplacewhereDeWetwasthenightbefore.TherewashalfabattalionofOurs,onesquadronofscallywags,twosquadronofbushrangers,andacoupleofpom-poms."Well, one day, when we wasn't exactly lookin' for De Wet, De Wet waslookin'forus,andyoucanbethefoundus!"Beforeweknewwherehewashe'dgotourhorses,andwewasalllyin'flatonourchestsenvyin'thelittleantsthathadasmuchcoverastheywanted.

"We'dbeenshootin'awayforaboutanhour,and itwaseasy toseewewereprettywellsurrounded."There was a sort of general in charge of our three columns, and he wastwentymilesawaywiththeothertwo."Bimebywegotaheliomessagefromhim—'Makethebestarrangementsyoucan; I can't get to you under six hours.' So our oldman, and the scallywagcaptain—Somebody's Horse it was—an' the Australianmajor, had a sort ofcouncilofwarunderneathawater-barrel."'Well,gentlemen,'sezouroldman,'I'mafraidwe'repipped,'hesez;'rightlyspeakin',' he sez, 'we ought to shove up the white flag,' he sez; but I giveeverybodyfairwarnin','hesez,'thatI'llshootthemanwhoasmuchasblowshisnosewithawhitehandkerchief,'hesez,withawickedlaugh."And the scallywag and the bushranger and the little gunner who had justcrawledup,said,'Hear,hear!'"Thenouroldmangoeson:'Themainbodyoftheenemyisinadongathreehundredyardstoourleft,'hesez,'andwe'vegottogetthatdonga,'sezouroldman."Smithy'seyeswerefaraway."Bimeby,"hewenton,"Iheard theoldmanshouting, 'Concentrateyourfireonthatdonga,'hesez;thenafterabit,whenthedustbeginstogoup,heyells,'Fixbayonets!'"Smithy turnedand lookedmesquarely in the face. "Whatwould theumpirehavesaid?"heasked.Why,we'dhavebeenbloomin'welldecimated—butwewasn't. TheBoers didn'twait for the bayonet—they pushed off, andwe gotawaywiththeguns."There'sonlyonekindofwar," saidSmithysagely, "and that's thekind thathurts.Whenthechapthat'splayin'therealgamemakesamisdealorrevokes,there'snoreshuffle.Ifheputsupabigbluffanditcomesoff,he'sagreatman,andgetshispictureinthepapers.Ifitdon'tcomeoff,why—"Smithy'ssilencewaseloquent."Umpires in war," he went on, "are food and feet and fingers—fingers forholdin'ontopositionswhere,rightly,youshould'a'beenkickedoff."Iknow regiments that couldneverbeputout actionunless everymanwaskilled—what's an umpire goin' to do with a lot like that?" he demanded.Somewheredownontheshinglybeachbelowtoastentorianvoiceroared:"Smith!"Smithrosewithalacrity.

"Comin', sir," he shouted. Then, as he led his officer's charger seaward, heturned."He'sanumpire,"hesaid,withajerkofhisthumbtowardthebeach,"buthe'saverydecentchapotherwise."

6.—ERUDITION

"ITwasreadoutinreg'mentalorders,"saidSmithy,"onthe9.30parade,thatanew lotofbooks 'adarrived for the lib'ry. 'Suitablebooks for theSoldier,' itsaid,so thatafternoonmean'Nobbygoesover to thecoffee-shopwherethelib'ryisto'avealook.Therewaslotsofotherchapsthere,an'we'adtotakeourturn."Allthechapswasshoutin','Comeon,Mac,givemethatredone,'an'pooroldMacmanusgot'isselfalltiedupinaknottryin'toputdawnthenamesofthechapsthattookoutthenewbooks.Whenitcometomean'Nobby'sturntherewasonlytwobooksleft.Nobbygotablueonean'Igotaredone."'Wot'syours,Smithy?'sezNobby,an'Ireaditout:'Temp'ranceStatisticsoftheArmyinIndia.'"'WhoStatWhat's-'is-name?'sezNobby."'Somebloomin'teetotaller,'Isez.'Wot'syours?'"'YdraulicsforGarrisonArtillery,''esez.'Whoseshe,Iwonder?'"SpudMurphygotabookabout'TacticsintheCrimea,'GeorgeBotter(of'G')got a yaller book about 'Afghanistan in Relation to the Frontier Question,'Mouldy Thompson got a big book about 'The 'Istory of the Army ServiceCorps,' whilst old 'Appy Johnson got the best of the lot, 'Records an'NicknamesoftheBritishArmy.'"Wealltakesourbookstothebarrack-room,an'therewasmean'Nobbyan'alltherestofthechapssittin'down'oldin'our'eadstryin'tounderstandwhatthebookswasabout."Whenwegetsovertothecanteenthatnighteverybodywastryin'toshowoff."Spudcomesstrollin'uptowheremean'Nobbywassittin'."'Ullo,Nob,''esez."'Ullo!'sezNobby;'whatdoyouwant,funnyface?'"Spudsitsdownalongsideofmean'Nobby."'Talkin'abouttheCrimea—''esez,likeachapsayin'apiece."'Iwasn'ttalkin'abouttheCrimea,'sezNobby.

"'Ave"youevernoticedthatagreatstrategicopportunitywaslost—'"Nobbyputsdownthecan'ewasdrinkin'outof."''Old'ard,''esez.IthinkIgraspyourmeanin',Spud.You'rereferrin',unlessIammistaken, to thetimewhenthegarrisonartillerydidn'tstartworkin' their'ydraulicsinapropermanner.'"'No,Iain't,'snapsSpud.I'mtalkin'aboutthetacticsintheCrimea.'" 'An' I'mtalkin'about 'ydraulics,' sezNobby,ascalmasacucumber, 'becosthat'sthebookthatI'ma-readin'.'"Itwasprettysickenin',"explainedSmithy,"wotwithGeorgeBottertryin'topretend'eknewallaboutAfghanistan,an''AppyJohnsonwantin'tomakebetsaboutwhowasthefirstcoloneloftheAnchesters.MouldyThompsongotto'ighwordswithadriveroftheA.S.C.abouttheArmyServiceCorps." 'I suppose you don't know,Cocky,' sezMouldy to this chap, 'that the oldA.S.C.usedtobecalledtheMuckTrain?'"'No,Idon't,'seztheA.S.C.chapnastily,'an'wot'smore,Idon'tseenocalltogomakin'personalremarks.'" 'Where no offence is meant, it is 'oped that no offence will be took,' sezMouldy.'Well,asIwassayin',theMuckTrain—'"'Shutup,'seztheA.S.C.chap,'or'I'llshutyouup.'"Just before 'fust post' me an' Nobby was sittin' in the corner talkin' about'ydraulicsanddrink,whenincomeGusWardoftheR.A.M.C."UpgoesMouldyto'imaspleasedasanything."'D'youknowwhattheycalltheMedicalStaff?'sezMouldy."Themedicalblokelooksover'ispotan'seznothin'.""Theycall'emthe"LinseedLancers,"'sezMouldy,laughin'."Themedicalfinished'isbeer,putsdown'ispot,andseztoMouldy:"'DoyouknowwhatIcallyou?''esez."'Don'tbenaaty,'sezMouldy;'thisisinabook." 'In a book, is it?' sez themedical. 'Well, you homoeopathic, subcutaneousmnemonic,whatI'mgoingtocallyouwon'tbefoundinanybook.'"So then the medical chap started callin' Mouldy all the things 'e couldremember at the minute, an' finished up with a few words out of the sickreport."Youmustunderstand,"explainedSmithy,"thatallthebloomin'battalionwasonthesamelay.Theretheywasthenextafternoonlyin'intheircotsareadin'an'amutterin'an'gettin'readytoshowoff.

"Wastin'theirtime"—Smithywasindignan—"an'wellknowin'thatwe'aven'tgotadecentbowlerintheregiment.Ididn'tseeanythingofNobbytillIwentover to the canteen that night. Everybodywas talkin' about everything—alltalkin'together.SuddenlyI'eardNobby'svoice:"'No,you'rewrong,Mouldy,''esez;'you'rewrongabouttheartillery.'"'Wrong!'sezMouldy,veryindignant;''owdoyouknow?'"'BecauseIdo,'sezNobby,'an'what'smore,SpudMurphy'swrongaboutthearmy in the Crimea, an' George Botter's talkin' through 'is 'at aboutAfghanistan, an'DustyMiller's sillywhen 'e sez thatAthens is inGermany(Dustygotabookonthedecayoftheclassyorsomethin'ofthesort),an'whenBillyMasongitsupan'talksaboutAfrica—I'vegotawordtosay.'"An'withthatoldNobbystartstocriticiseeverybody,notconfinin'hisselfto'ydraulics,youunderstand,butgoin'allovertheshop."Bimeby,oldSpudMurphy,who'dbeendazedbyNobbytellin''imalotaboutthebattleofAlma,strikes'isfor'eadan'shouts:"'Old'ard,Nobby—Iseeyourlittlegame—it'sA'swhatyourtalkin'about.'"'Whatd'yemean?'sezNobby,goin'red." 'Why,' sez Spud, excited, 'you're talkin' about Abukir an' Abyssinia an'adjutantsan'ants—they'reallA's,'roarsSpud."'Well,'sezNobby,'wotaboutit?'"'Ask'imaCquestion,somebody,'shoutsSpud,gleeful."'Wotaboutcrocodiles?'sezDusty."Crocodilesan'alligatorsareallthesame,'sezNobby.'Everybodyknowsthat.'"''Ear,'ear,'Isez;an'theotherchapssaidthesame."'Well,'sezSpud,thinkin','I'llgiveyoua"M"—wotaboutmonkeys?'"Nobbythoughtabit."'Apes,''ebegins,'wasfirstinvented—''Monkeys!'sezSpud."'Apesan'monkeysareallthesame,'sezNobby." 'Well, tell us somethin' about Colonels—that's a C,' sez Spud, who wasgettin'wild."IttookNobbyalongtimetothinkthisout,then'estarts:"'Adjutantswasfirstinvented—'"'Ithoughtso,'sezSpud,joyful.'P'rapsyou'lltellmewhen'Cyclopaediaswasinvented—fortnightly'cyclopedias,wotyoubuyforsevenpence,'sezSpud."An'Nobbylookedquiteuncomfortable."

7.—BERTIE

"YOUdon't'appentoknowourBertie,doyou?"askedPrivateSmith;"'E'sanewchaponlyjustjoinedfromthedepot: 'ighlyeducatedan'all that:oneofthestruck-pa-with-a-roll-of-music-and-enlistedsortoffellows."SmithypausedtoruminateupontheaccomplishedBertie."I've'eard'imusewordsthatwasn'tinanydictionary,"Smithycontinuedwithenthusiasm, "an' 'e's settled arguments we've 'ad in the canteen without somuchaslookin'inabook."There was a bit of a friendly discussion the other night about 'ow muchalch'ol therewas inbeer, an' 'owmanypints it'd take topoisonachap.GusWard,themedicalstaffchap,workeditalloutonabitofpaper,butsomeoftheotherchapssaid'ewastalkin'through'is'at."To settle it—none of the other chaps would come outside when Gussieinvited'em—wesentoverforBertie."OvercomesBertiewithawot-can-I-do-for-you-my-poor-childsortofsmile,an'weputsthequestionto'im."'Twenty-twogallonsan'apint,'sezBertieprompt."'You'realiar!'sezNobby,an'themedicalchapaskedBertietocomeoutsidean'settlethequestion." 'Don'tbeabsurd,'sezBertie. 'Nobodycantellmeanythingaboutalch'ol: itwasdiscoveredbyamonkin1320,when'ewassearchin'forthephilosopher'sstone.ItisknownatLloyd'sasadeadlysporadican—'"'Shutup,'sezNobby;'wedon'twanttoknowthegeographyan''istoryofit,wewanttoknow'owmanypintsofbeerittakestokillachap.'" 'Thirty-onegallonsan' twopints,assaidbefore,' sezBertie,huffily; 'an' infuture, Private Clark, I don't want you to send for me to settle canteencontroversialities.'"'Wot'sthatlastword?'sezNobby,afterBertiehadgone.'Somethin'insultin',I'lllay.'

BERTIE'SALMAMATER"Mean'Nobby'appenedtobeoveratthecoffeeshopnextnight—itwasthenight before pay day, or we wouldn't 'ave been wastin' our time—when incomesBertie." 'E'sgot an 'orrid languidwayof lookin' round, an' itwasaminuteor two

before'espotsmean'Nob." 'Ullo,Clark,' 'e sez,withanod just the sameas if 'ewasanofficer. 'Ullo,Smithy.'"'Ullo,face,'sezNobby,who'salwaysgotakindwordforeveryone."'I'mgettin'tiredofthissortoflife,'sezBertie,inawearyvoice.'I'vegottoomuchwottheFrenchcallsavoirfaire.'"'Seeadoctor,'sezNobby,'ortakeplentyofexercise,likeIdo.'"'Youmisunderstandme,Clark,'sezBertie,withasadsmile.'But,there,'owshouldyouknow,mypoorfeller?'"'Bertie,'sezNobby."'What?'sezBertie."'Don'tcallmea"porefeller,"'sezNobby,'orI'llgiveyouadigintheeye.'"'Don'tloseyourtemper,Clark,'sezBertie,hasty.'WhatImeanttosaywas,you can't be expected to comprehend 'ow it feels for a chapwho's drove 'isownbroughamtobeorderedaboutbycadsofofficers,cadsan'boundersthatmyalmamaterwouldn't'avein'erset.'"'Who'sshe?'sez.Nobby."'Myrichaunt,'sezBertie."'Livin'intheMaryleboneRoad?'sezNobby."'No,'sezBertie,carelessly:'PorchesterGate.'"'Ah,'sezNobby,thoughtful,'that'sawork'ousethatmust'avebeenbuiltquitelately—'owLondongrows,tobesure.'"Bertiesmiledan'shook'is'ead." 'Ah,Clark!' 'esezwithapityin' look, 'there'sagoodoldFrenchsayin' thatgoes,"Ontrynoosivvooplay,"whichmeans,"Don'targuewithafool.'" 'There's another good ole French proverb, sez Nobby, 'that sez, "Chupraosoor."'"'Whatdoesthatmean?'sezBertiesurprised,soNobbytold'im.

THEBUN-WALLAH"Bertiewasn'twhatyoumightcallpopularwith the troops.Forone thing 'eusedlongwordsthatnobodyeven'eardbefore,an'fortheother,'ewasabun-wallahoftheworstkind."(Itis,Imightsay,oneofthewilfulfallaciesoftheArmythatteetotallersliveentirelyonlemonadeandbuns.)"Wedon'tmindsomuchachapbein'ateetotaller;everymanto 'istaste,an'

I'veknownsomeverygoodchapsinthatline,butBertieusedtocarry'isfadsabittoofar."For instance, 'e got me an' Nobby one night down to an A.T.A. (ArmyTemperance Association) meetin', an' so worked on Nobby's feelin's, bypromisin' to lendhim 'arfacrown tillpayday, thatNobbyupsan' signs thepledge." 'I feel a diff'rentman already,' sezNobby, afterBertie 'ad partedwith themoney,'Ido,indeed.'" 'Ah,' sez Bertie, proudly, 'you'll feel better when you've 'ad a week of it.Don'tletyourbooncompanionslureyoubacktotheold'abit,''esez."'Nofear,'sezNobby,puttingthe'arf-crownin'ispocket." 'Not somuchof thebooncompanions,Bertie,' I sez, knowin'what 'ewaseayin'wasasmackforme." 'When: they offer you the pot—refuse it like aman,' sez Bertie, workinghisselfuptoagreatstate."'Iwill,'sezNobby." 'Look 'ere,' sez Bertie, excitedly, 'come up to the canteen now, an' putyourselftothetest.'"'Rightyouare,'sezNobby,quick;'let's'urryupbeforeit'sshut.'"Soweallwentuptothecanteen,an'thefirstthingthat'appenedwhenwegotinside was Dusty Miller offerin' Nobby 'arf a gallon can. _ "'Drink 'arty,Nobby,'sezDusty."Nobbylooksatthecan,thenlooksatBertie,an'Bertiewassmilin''appilyallover'isface.""'No,'sezNobby,chokin','no,Dusty,youmeanwell,butI'monthetack—onthelemonadetack,''esez.'GoodNobby,'sezBertie."'Letmetakeonelastlookatthecursedstuff,'sezNobby,takin'thepotin'is'and; 'onelastsniff,' 'esez, 'onelast tasteo' thepoison,' 'esez,an'beforeweknewwhat'ad'appened'e'd'arfemptiedthecan." 'It's no good, Bertie,' 'e sez sadly, 'the temptation is too strong, it's inmeblood,''esez.'Youcan'aveyour'arf-crownbackonpayday.""Whatchapsdidn'tlikeaboutBertiemostwastheway'ewasalwaysgoin'onabout'iscome-downintheworld,'owemighthavebeenlivin'upintheWestEnd, goin' to theatres every night of 'is life, an' drinkin' port wine with 'ismeals,if'e'adn'tbeensuchafoolastoenlist."One nightwhen 'ewas' playin' billiards in the libraryNobby gotBertie tosettleapointwhetheranearlwasan'igherrankthanacountess,

"'Acountess,ofcourse,'sezBertie."'Forwhy?'sezNobby."Bertiegaveapityin'sortoflaugh."'Acountessisaladycount,an'acountisnexttoamarquis,''esee."'Owdoyouknow?'sezNobby."Bertiegaveasortofatiredsigh,an'lookedattheceilin'." 'MydearClark,' 'esez, 'itain'tformetoboastofthepeopleImetbeforeIcomedownin theworld,butImightsayI'vemetcertainparties—nonamesmentioned—thatourofficersain'tevenonspeakin'termswith.'"'Inshops?'sezNobby."'No,incountry'ouses,'sezBertiestiffly." 'Leaveoffpullin'Bertie'sleg,'sezSpudMurphy,whoalwayslikestogetariseoutofNobby.'AnybodycanseeBertie'smixedwith'igh-classpeople.'"Wewasall silent forabit,watchin'DustyMiller,whowasplayin'MouldyTurnerahundredup,tacklean''ard-linescannon."Wewasveryinterestedinit,epeciallyBertie,who,couldn'ttake'iseyesfromthecloth."Dustyfluked'iscannonan'missedthenextshot,an'thenNobbygotasortofinspiration,an'callsoutto.Bertie:"'Callthegame,marker!'"'Seventy-sixplaysforty-two:spottoplay,sir,'sezBertie,absent-mindedly.

8.—NOBBY'SPART

"IDIDN'Tseeyouatourpiece,"remarkedSmithy."I mean," he explained, "the Grand Amateur Performance of The Soldier'sRevenge,playedbytheRegimentalDramaticClub,onbehalfofthenewwingof theAnchester LunaticAsylum." Smithy stopped to clear the stem of hispipewithahairpin.Iregardedhimsuspiciously—andthehairpinwithinwardmisgivings."Therewasabouttwodozenofourchapsinthepiece,"heresumed,"andthebandwasgoin'toplaydurin'theintervals.Someof 'em—ourchaps,Imean,nottheband—wasgoin'tobesoldiers,someof'emwasservants,someof'emwasvillagers,buthalfof'emwas'rioters'inthelastact."'B'Companyand'F'tossed up to see who'd be rioters and 'B' won, so 'F' had to be policemen.

"NobbyClarkcomestomethedaybeforetheperformancean'sez,'Lookhere,Smithy,comean'act.'"'Thegoat?'Isez." 'No,'hesez, 'comean'beMikeDolan,theEscapedConvict,inActIV.,'hesez;'Fattycan'tgetintotheclothes,'hesez."'No,thanks,'Isez.'IfyouwantEscapedConvicts,applyto"C"Company—there'slotsofchapstherethatwoulddoitnatural,'Isez."'Don'tyoubegay,'sezNobby,'orelseyou'llstrainyourfunnybone.I'mgoin'to be a gentleman visitor in Act II.—one of the 'ouse party.' "'One of thegentlementhatwashesuptheplates?'Isez."'Loudlarfter,'sezNobby,sarcastically.'I'mgoin'tobeagoodshepherdinthelastact,'hesez, 'an'whentheriotersaregoin'tobashthepoliceIsay,"'Old!whatwouldyoudo,rashmen?"an' thenI tell 'emtothinkabouttheirwivesan' children,' he sez. "Itwas pretty sickenin' them last two days in barracksbefore theperformance.TherewasJimmySpenderwalkin' aboutholdin'hisheadan'mutterin';'Mylord,mylord,theenemyisonus;flyforyourlife!'an'Smiler Williams walkin' up an' down the square after 'lights out' talkin' tohisself, 'Come,comrades, letusdrink to the 'ealthofournoblecommander,'tillSmiler'scompanyofficer,CaptainDarby,gavehimsevendaysforcreatin'adisturbanceinbarracksafterlightsout.UglyJohnsonbrokehiscollar-bonewhenhewasrehearsin'hisrescuefromaburnin'buildin'."Alotofchapswassupposedtocatchhiminablanketashejumpedoutofawinder,sayin', 'ABritishsoldierfearsnothin';butthechapswhowasholdin'theblanketlarfedsomuchatUgly'smug,thattheyhadn'tthestrengthtocatchhim."Smithylaughed,too,attherecollection."Well,thenightcome,an',havin'boughttwoseatsinthegallery,IgoesroundtothehousewhereNobby'sgirllivesan'askedhertocomean'seetheplay."'Nobbywon'tlikemygoin'outwithyou,'sezNobby'sgirl."'Don'tworryaboutthat,'Isez;'he'dhavesentyouatickethisself,onlyhe'ssoshy,'Isez.Sosheputonherthings,"saidSmithy,vaguely,"andwent.""Wegot twofrontseatswherewecouldseeeverything,an'after thebandgaveaselection and the officers an' their ladies, an' theBishop, an' theMayor hadcomein, thecurtainwentup,an' therewasNobbystrollin'aboutwithagununderhisarm,pretendin'tobeanactor."Bimebytheoldsquirecomeinwithhislovelydaughter. 'Ah,CaptainBeecher,'sheseztoNobby—shewasarealactress,too—'why,itseemslikeoldtimestoseeyouat"SilvertonGrange.""'BaiJove!'sezNobby,twistin'hismoustachelikehe'dseenhissuperiorsdo.'BaiJove,'hesez,an'thenheforgotwhattosay."'Thepleasureismutual,'sezahollervoicefrombehindthe,scenes."'Thepleasureisbeautiful,'sezpoorNobby,stilltwistin'hismoustache.

"AfterabittheoldsquirewasmurderedbyMontyWarne,of 'H,'dresseduplikeaburglar,an'hediditwell,too,"commendedSmithy,"stranglin'himsomuch that they had to send out for three-pennorth of brandy to bring himround."InthesecondactNobbywassupposedtobeavisitorinevenin'dress."'Don'thelookfine?'sezNobby'sgirl."Nobbydidn'thavemuchfosayinthatact,exceptwhenyoungFisher,who'sgotabaker's shop in theHighstreet,was falselyaccusedofmurder,an' thenNobbyseizedhishand,an'said,'Ibelieveyoutobeaninnocentman,'an'weall said, 'Hear, hear.' "It was really SmilerWillinmswho ought've said thatline,asNobbywasreallysupposedtobeavillain,an'Smileran'Nobbyhadwords about it afterwards, till Nobby explained that young Fisher hadpromisedhimajobwhenhelefttheArmy,an'hewantedtokeepinwithhim."Butthelastscenewasbest,"continuedSmithy,"whenthehungryriotersof'B'comefacetofacewiththepolicemenof'F,'an'Nobbycomesdowntothefootlightsdressedupasaparson,andsays,'Hold!'"Justashestartedtosayhislittlepieceoneofthepolicemen,tryin'tobefunny,hithiminthechestwithatruncheon." 'Holdhard,' sezNobby, forgettin'allabout thepiece; 'wotareyou tryin' todo,Corky?'—speakin'toCorkySpeddings,whohithim."'Goonwiththepiece,'sezCorky,whowaswildbecausehadhadnothin'tosayintheplay."Nobbytookorfhisparson'shatan'raiseditan'said,'Hold!Whatwouldyoudo, rash—' then another policeman threw a bit of bread at him. "Beforeanybody know what was happenin', Nobby dropped his hat an' landed thenearestpolicemanon thenose,an' then therewas themost realistic riot thathaseverbeenonastage."Nextmornin'NobbyaskedmewhatIthoughtofhisperformance."'Fine,'Isez." 'Do you think so?' he sez, very pleased, 'Don't you wish you could act,Smithy,an'takethepartofayounglordorsomething?'" 'Icanact,'Isez. 'Iwasactin'lastnight—TheAbsentSoldier.'"'Talksense,'sezNobby,puzzled;'youhadn'tgotapart.'"'OhyesIhad,'Isez."'Whatpart?'sezNobby."'Yourpart,'Isez."ButNobbydidn'tunderstand."

9.—THECLAIRVOYANT

"DOyoubelieveinghosts?"askedPrivateSmithy."Whatkindofghosts?"Iaskedcautiously."There's a chap in H Company," explained Smithy—"his name's Turner,MouldyTurner,wecallhim,owin'tohishavin'beenamoulderbytrade.Youneversawsuchachapinyourlifo,"saidSmithyenthusiastically."Givehimapacko'cardsan'atablean'he'lltellyouthingsaboutyourpastlifewotyou'veneverheardbefore."Hecharges tuppencea time,an' it'sworth it. Ihad twopenn'orthmyself theotherday." 'Smithy,' he sez, dealin' out the cards all over the table, you're expectin' aletterfromadarkman.'"'No,Iain't,'Isez."'Well,you'llgetit,hesez.'Itwillbringgoodnews.'"An' sure enough," said Smithy, impassively, "that very afternoon SpudMurphypaidmetwoshillin'sheborreredonthemanoeuvres.""But,"Iexpostulated,"thatwasn'taletter.""Itwasbetterthanaletter,"saidthesatisfiedSmithy."Well,oldMouldycountsthecards,seventotheleftan'seventotheright."'There'safairwomanwotlovesyou,'sezMouldy."'Howfair?,'Isez,thinkin'ofallthered-hairedgalsIknow."'Prettyfair,'sezMouldy,'you'regoin'onalongjourneyacrorsethesea.'

WHATNOBBYSAW"'Battersea?'sezNobby,whowaslookinon."'Youshutup,Nobby,'Isez,'goon,Mouldy.'"'Thonineo'spades,'sezMouldy,scowlin'likeanythingatNobby,'isasignof death. You'll hear of a friend dyin'. Not much ot a friend, either, but aignorantchapwithbigfeet,'hesez."'Youleavemyfeetalone,'sezNobby."All the chaps used to come toMouldy, an' hewas doin' well. I could seeNobbydidn'tlikethewayMouldywasrakin'intheiron,an'onenight,whenmean'afewchapswasinthecanteentorkin'abouthowteetotallersdiewhentheygetintoahotclimate,PugWilliamscamedashin'in,lookin'aswhiteasa

ghost." 'NobbyClark's took ill!'he sez, an'we rushesover to thebarrack-room tofindoldNobbysittin'onhisbedwithahorriblestareinhiseye."'Wot'sup,Nobby?'Isez,andjustthenMouldyTurnercomesin."'Isee,'sezNobby,inamoanysortofvoice,'Iseeapublichouse.'"'You'voseentoomanypublichouses,'sezMouldy,hastily."'Theinsideofapublichouse,sezNobby."'That'sthepartImean,'sezMouldy." 'Iseeamanwithsidewhiskersan'abigwatch-chain,'sezNobbymoanily;'he's servin' be'ind the counter, an' there's a red-facedgelwith yeller hair a-countin' money. Her name's Gertie,' sez Nobby, holding his for'ead. "OldMouldy'sjawdroppedan'hewentwhite." 'Where'smyGeorge?Where'smy soldierboy?'moansNobby, 'that'swhatshe'sa-sayin'of.'"Mouldy'sfacegotred." 'Boys,'sezMouldy,inascaredvoice, 'oldNobby'sgotsecond-sight;he'saseein'thepubIgotoupinLondonan'myyounglady.'" 'Where'smybravesoldier?'sezNobby,groanin'; 'that'swhatshe'sa-sayin'of;whereismybravesoldierwotrescuedthecolonelatPaardeberg?'"'He'sawnnderin'now,'sezMouldy,blushin'." 'Let's take him to the, hospital,' sez PugWilliams, but just at thatminutoNobbysortofwokeup."'WhereamI?'hesezfaintly."Wetoldhimwhathe'dbeensayin',an'triedtopersuadehimtogotobedan'sleepitoff."Thenextday thenewsgotabout thatNobbywas second-sighted, an'whenme andNobbywent to got our dinner pint all the chaps crowded round an'askedhimtogiveaperformance."ItappearedfromwhatNobbytold'emthathe'dalwaysbeensecond-sighted,an'whenhewasakidhehadtowearspectacles.

FORTUNES"'Canyoutellfortunes,Nobby?'sezOatsey." 'Icanwithhands,sezNobby,lookin'atMouldy; 'notwithcards.Cards,'hesez,'isswindlin'.'"Canyoutellmine,Nobby?'sezPugWilliams,holdin'outhidhand.

"'Certainly,'sezNobby,who'dknownPugallhislife,an'wenttoschoolwithhim."'Youwasbornunderanunluckystar,'sezNobby,lookin'atthehand."'That'squiteright,'sezPug,qhiteproud."'AtSchoolyouwasalwaysgettin'intotrouble,'sezNobby,whohappenedtoknowthatPugdidsixmonthsatatruantschool."'That'sright!'sezPug,highlydelighted."'You'vehadalotatroublethroughadarkman,'sezNobby,knowin'thatPuggot forty-two days for knockin' a nigger about, when the reg'ment was inIndia."'Marvellous!'sezPug."FromthatdayNobbymademoney.Chapsusedtocomefromeverycompanytogettheirfortunetold.Mouldyan'hiscardsdidnobus'nessatall."Nobby charged thruppence a hand, cash on the nail; fourpenco if he 'ad towaittillpayday."ForsixpenceNobbyusedtohaveafitan'seethings.Sometimestwochapswouldclubtogether,an'thenNobbywouldhavetwofitsforninepence."OnedayupcomesUglyJohnson,of'D.'"'Iwantyoutotellmyfortune,Nobby,'hesez."'Crossmehandwithsilver,prettylady,'sezNobby."'Don'tsnackachapabouthisface,'sezUgly,veryfierce."'Nooffence,Ugly,'sezNobby."'AndIain'tgo'in'tociossyourbloomin'handwithsilver,'sezUgly,''cosI'veonlygotthree'apence.'"'That'lldo,sezNobby,whoneverletacustomergo."'You'vegotalonglifeinfrontofyou,'sezNobby,lookin'atthehands."'Ah,'sezUgly."'You've'adastormycareerinthepast,'sezNobby,'butallwillcomeright!'"'Ah,'sezUgly."'You'vebeencrorsedinlove,'sezNobby."'That'salie,'sezUgly." 'So it is,' sez Nobby, lookin' close at Ugly's paw, 'wot I thought was thecrorsed-in-love line is only dirt. You've got a sensitive 'art, you thinkeverybody'spassin'remarksaboutyourface,'sezNobby.

SPIRITS"'Nevermindaboutmyface,'snarlsUgly."'Idon'tmindit,'sezNobby,'evenifotherpeopledo,'hesez."Well,oldUglygotmadan'went roundputtin' it about thatNobbycouldn'ttell fortunesfornuts,andMouldysez thatNobbywas tellin'a lotof liesan'makin'funofthechaps,an'businessbegantofallorf."OneafternoonNobbyseztome,'Smithy,trade'sbad.'"'Isit?'Isez."'Yes,'hesez,'it'sabouttimeIhadanotherfit.'"'Haveitnow,'Isez,'don'tmindme.'"Thatnight,whenwewasallcleanin'upforcommondin'officer'sparade,an'thebarrack-roomwasfull,Nobbysuddenlystoodup,moanin'likeanything."'Isee!'hesezstarin'abouthim,'amanwithauglymug.'E'sa-standing'ontheblink—Imeanbrinkofdestruction.'"Weallwalksoveran'looksatNobby.Hewasaghastlysight,rollin'hiseyesan'moanin'."'Iseeachap,'sezNobby,twistin'aboutasifhe'dswolleredacorkscrew,'wotpretendstotellfortunesbycards.'E'sstandin'onthebrinkofdestructiontoo.'"'Wakeup,Nobby,'Isez,soothin'him;'it'sallright.'" 'I see,' began Nobby again, an' just at that minute in walks the colour-sergeant."HelooksatNobbyrollin'an'squirmin'about,an'thenseztome:"'Areyoutheoldestsoldierhere,Smith?'"'Yes,colour-sergeant,'Isez."'Well,'sezthecolourbloke,'takeacoupleofmenan'putPrivateClarkintheguardroom.'"'Wotfor?'sezNobby,wakin'upsuddenfromhistrance."'Drunk,'sezthecolour-sargeant."'Iain'tdrunk,'roarsNobby,veryindignant."'Pretendin'tobedrunk,then,'sezthecolour-sergeant;'that'sworse.'"'I'mseein'spirits,'sezNobby."'You've,beendrinkin''em,'sezthecolourbloke,an'Nobbywassowildthatittooksixofustogethimtotheguairdroom."Youmightsayseven,"addedSmithy,"forOldMouldydidtheworkoftwo

men."

10.—BOOTS

Youngandgrowingsoldiersarepronetowearbootsthataretoosmallandtoonarrow mainly because of their smart appearance. —Army CouncilMemorandumtoOfficers."I SHOULDN'T like to be on the Army Council," said Smithy, with allseriousness.Ilookedatmyyoungmilitaryfriendwithfeignedsurprise."No,Iain'tcoddin',"hesaidearnestly."Is'poseit'sagoodjob;butnever'avin'beenanofficer,Ican'tsaywhatit'slike.Butstandstoreasonit'sawearin'sortoflife."SupposetheArmyCouncil'smeetin'to-day,theorderlyondutylightsafire,getsoutnewpensandblottin'paper,an'ArmyFormB47,justthesameasifitwasacourt-martial—and,"saidSmithy,asabrilliantideacametohim—"itisacourt-martial,andtheArmy'stheprisoner."Well,incomestheCourt,allincivilianclothes,Lytteltoninasoftfelt'at,an'Plumerinarednecktie,andDouglasgotuptothenines."'Wot'sonto-day?'sezLyttelton."Reformin'theArmy,'sezalltheotherstogether." 'Rot,' sez Lyttelton. 'I don't believe the Army wants reformin'—exceptreformin'backtotheplaceitwaswhenciviliansstartedholdin'post-mortemsonit.'" ''Ear, 'ear,' sez all theArmyCouncil, except LordDon't-Know-Who,wholookedembarrassed,'ebein'acivilian."Wot about tight boots?' sezSomeOne after a long pause, durin'which theFinancialSecretarywasdoin' sumson theblottin' paper an' crossin' 'emoutwhen'efoundtheywaswrong."'Ah,'sezSomeOneElse,'wotabouttightboots?'Sotheyallsitsroundgivin'theiropinionswhysoldiersshouldbeUglyandComfortable."Well,afterabittheymakeupanorder:—"Nolady-killin'bootsallowed.Soldiersinpossessionofbootsweighin'eightounces will immediately exchange them for boots of the Regulation (orPoliceman)Pattern,weighin'fourpound. 'Fiatexperimentumincorporevili,'or'Ifnecessarymaketheexperimentonavillainouscorporal.'

"Yourstruly,"THEARMYCOUNCIL.""Thentheyallgetupan'stretchtheirlegs."'What'sonto-morrer?'sezone."'ArmyReform,'sezthePresident;'an'let'sseeyouall'ereatnine,sharp.'"Thentheyallgohometotheir littleflats,an'readthenewspapers,an'wishtheywasJapanesesittin'tightinfrontofKuropatkininsteadofbein'soldierstryin'toreformtheArmysoastosuitcivilians'ideas."Sometimes it's boots, sometimes it's swearin', sometimes it's 'air—an' the'smart, soldier-like appearance' order: this new order about boots, though,rathertakesit."Smithy's"It"isfairlyobvious."Theywastalkin'aboutitinthecanteenyesterday,whenmean'Nobbywentovertogetourdinnerbeer."Wilkie—thatred-lookin'chapwiththeshavin'-brushmoustache—wasputtin'itaboutthattheorderwasonlymeantfor'B'Company."'Don'tnoneofyouchapsgetworriedaboutit,'sezWilkie,who'san'H'chap.'This 'ereorder'sonlymeant for chapswithbig feet tryin' topretend they'reCinderellas.'"'Meanin'me,Wilkie?'sezNobby."'Nonames,nopackdrill,'sezWilkie."'Meanin'me,youred-'airedBloomsburyscavenger?'sezNobby."'Ifthecap—meanin'tosaytheboot—fitsyou,PrivateClark,laceitup,'sezWilkie; 'an', what's more.' 'e sez, 'don't forget the last Army order aboutswearin'an'losingyourtemper.'"Nextday,"continuedSmithy,"wascommandin'officers'parade,an'whenthecompanyofficerswalkedroundtherankstherewastrouble.."'Where'syourboots?'sezthecaptaintoyoungSkipperMainland."'Undermytrousers,'sezSkipper." 'Too small,' sez the officer; 'put this man down for a new pair, colour-sergeant.'"'What'sthese,Clark?'seztheofficer."'Myfeet,sir,'sezNobby,gettin'redintheface."Begpardon,'seztheofficer,Ithoughttheywasapontoonsection,''esezandwealllaughed.

"Itellyou,"saidSmithyenthusiastically,"ourofficer'sacomicchap."That night you couldn't get into the 'Igh Street for feet.All the chapswaswearin' theirbiggestboots,an'onechapstandin'on thekerbgot 'is toes runover by a tramcar the other side of the street—in a manner of speaking,"correctedSmithyhastily."'Ooshouldwemeetwhenmean'Nobbywasstrollin'downChurchLanebutWilkie. Nice toonic, smart tight trousers with officers' stripes in 'em, saucylittleboots,an'acanewithasilverknobontheendofit—that'sWilkie."'Hullo,Wilkie,'sezNobby,'wotChristmas-treedidyoubloworfof?'"Wilkielookedabitpleasedwithhisself,an'wasgoin'tosaysomethin',whenupcomestheProvostSergeantwith'isbadgeon'issleeve."'Evenin',Sergeant,'sezWilkieverypleasant."ButtheProvostSergeantdidn'tsaynothin',onlylookedatWilkie'sfeet"'Niceweatherforthistimeoftheyear,'sezWilkie.'Itisindeed,'esez."ButProvostSergeantonlystaredatWilkie'sfeet."SoWilkiegotredintheface."'Begpardon,sergeant,'esez;'nothingwrong,I'ope?'"TheProvost just kept on lookin'.Then 'e said, speakin' slowly, like a chaprecitin':" 'Theproper fittin'ofbootsonwhich themarchin'ofanarmydepends isamatterofthefirstimportance,''esez."Wilkielooksat'im;sodidmean'Nobby."'Idon'tdonomarchin'intheseboots,'sezWilkie,an'mybootsan'Nobby'ssortofshuffledintothegutteroutofsight." 'Young soldiers,' sez theProvostSergeant, takin' nonoticeofwhatWilkiesaid,areprone—'"'Arewhat?'sezWilkie."'Arepronetotakeaboottooshort—infact,'seztheProvostSergeant,'wheredidyougetthemridiculouslady'sshoesfrom,Mr.Bloomin'Wilkie?'"'Igot'em,'sezWilkie,from—." 'Nomanwhowasn'ta lunaticwouldwearsuchfal-lal; theywasmeantforwomen,notsoldiers.'"'Igot'em—'sezWilkie."'Makin'yourselfalaughin'-stock,'seztheProvost,gettin'wild,'wearin'bootsthat nobody but a fat-headed, dandified, ijiotic recruit would think of

disgracin''isfootbyputtin'inside.'"'Igot'emofftheColonel'sgroom,'sezWilkie,short."'Where'd'eget'em?'seztheProvost."'They'reapairoftheColonel'sold'uns,'sezWilkie,what'egotridof—theywastoobig,'esez."

11.—JU-JITSU

POLITICSformnopartofthebarrack-roomdebatingsociety.Mr.Atkinslivesin a world of his own, and is not interested in the subjects that agitate hiscivilianbrother.He is interested in personalities, certainly, and Mr. Chamberlain and LordRoseberyareveryrealpersonstohim;buttalkabouttherespectivemeritsofFreeTradeandProtectionandhewillyawn.Veryhighpolitics,politics thatmake forwar; parliamentary proceedings that have direct bearing uponpay,promotion,anduniform,areofthefirstimportance;anddoesanhon.memberasktheSecretaryofStateforWarwhetherhisattentionhasbeencalledtotherefusaloftheproprietorofthe"GreenMan"tosupplytwosoldiersinuniformwithliquidrefreshment,thathon.membermaybecertainthathewillachieveapopularityoutofallproportiontotheservicehehasrenderedtheArmy.Highpolitics include,ofcourse, theRusso-JapaneseWar.As to thecauseofthatunhappyconflictnoopinionisoffered,sincethatisamatterwhichdoesnot greatly concern the soldier; but the conduct of the campaign has wonunstintedadmirationforthepluckylittleEasterners.IlearntthismuchfromSmithy(wewerewatchinganArmyCupmatch),andIlearntalsothatthepopularityofaforeignPowermayeasilybeexploitedwithprofit."We'adalongtalkaboutittheothernightdowninourroom.DustyMiller—himwiththecrookednose—saidthattheJapswaswinnin'becausethey'dgotabetterriflethantheRussians.JimmyWalterssaiditwasbecausetheofficerswasmorefriendlywiththementhanwhatourswas." 'All you chaps are talkin' through your 'eads,' sezNobby; 'it ain't rifles, itain'tguns,anditain'tofficers.'"'Youknowafatlot,'SpudMurphystuckin,'Ifitain'tnoneofthem,whatisit?'"'JueJitsoo,'sezNobby,withacough."'Who'sshe,Nobby?'Isez,an'alltheotherchapssaidthesame.

"JueJitsoo,'sezNobbyslowly, 'isasortof thingthatyouhitachapwithouttouchin'him,inamannerofspeakin'.'"'Talksense,Nobby,'sezSpud,'an','hesez,'don'ttrytotalkaboutthingsyoudon'tknownothin'about.'"'I'llshowyouwhatImean,'sezNobby,gettin'upfrom'iscot.'IreadaboutitinabookIbought—come'ere,Dusty.'"'Whatfor?'sezDusty,shrinkin'back."'Iwanttoshowyou'owit'sdone,'sezNobby,takin'orf'iscoatan'rollingup'issleeves."'ShowSmithy,'sezDusty."'ShowSpud,'Isez,veryhasty."Spuddidn'tliketheidea,butNobbysaiditwasallright."'Ifyou'urtme,'sezSpud,threatenin','it'smean'youforit,Nobby.'"'Don'tcry,'sezNobby,takin''oldofSpud'sarman'thenstartedtoexplain."'Supposeyou'reathief,'esez."'Nosnacks,'sezSpud."'Supposeyoucomeuptomeonpay-nightan'trytopickmypocket.'"'Youain'tevergotanythingonapay-night,'sezSpud,withalarf."'Well,'wentonNobby,nottakin'anynoticeofSpud,'Ijustketch'oldofyoulikethis—an'that—an'thereyouare.'"An' before Spud knew what was happenin' there he was, on the floor—whack!"'Don'tyoudothatagain,'sezSpud,gettin'up." 'Now,' sezNobby, gettin' Spud by the throat, 'suppose you're a dangerouscriminalan'I'mapoliceman—'"'Leggo,'sezSpud,strugglin'."'Ijustpushyouintheface,kickyourleg,buttyouwithmy'ead—andthereyouare!'An'downwentSpudon'isback—bang!"'Look'ere,'sezSpud—henevercouldtakeajoke—'look'ere,'hesez,'don'tyoutryyourfunnytricksonme,Nobby,or—'" 'What's the good of gettin' out of temper,' sez Nobby, an' we all said thesame, sodid a lotof chapswho'd comeup from the roomdownstairswhenthey'eardSpudfall.Sowetoldhimitwasforthegoodofthereg'ment,an'wewasalllearnin'Ju-What's-its-name,an'wesaidnooneelsewasstrongenoughtobe, experimentedon, an' sowecalmedhimdown, an'he saidhe'dgoon

bein'anexperiment." 'SupposeI'ma robber,' sezNobby, 'an' try topinchyourwatch.Nowwhatyou'vegottodoistocatch'oldofmythroatan''arfstrangleme.'"'Icandothat,'sezSpud,brightenin'up." 'An'what I've got to do is to prevent you,' sezNobby. 'Nowhere I come,pretendin'toliftyourwatch.'"ItwasasgoodasapantomimetowatchSpudwaitin'tolandoneonNobbywhen'egotcloseenough;butsomehowwhenSpudjumpedforwardtochokeNobby,Nobbywasn'tthere,an'downwentSpudallina'eap."'Egotup,feelin' 'islegstoseeiftheywasbroke,an'ShinerWilliams,whohappenedonlytoarriveatthatminute,askedNobbytodoitagain,becausehewasn'tlookin'atthetime."'That'swhatyoucallJu-jitsoo,isit?'sezSpud."'Yes,'sezNobby,puttin'on'iscoat, 'that'swhytheJapsalwayswin,an'theRussiansalwayslose.'"'That'sJu-jitsoo,isit!'sezSpud,takin'orf'iscoat."'That'sit,Spud,'sezNobby.'I'opeit'llbealessontoyou—Idon'tchargeyouanythingforlearnin'you—butI'mwillin'togivelessonsatfourpenceatimetoanyyoungmilitarygentlemanpresent.Who'll'avefour-penn'oth?'"'That'sJu-jitsoo,isit'sezSpud,inasortofdream;an'that'emakesarush,an'knockspooroldNobbyoveran'sitsonhim."'What'stheJu-jitsooforthis,Nobby?'sezSpud,givin'himapunch."'Lemmegetup,'sezNobby." 'Supposeyou'reabig-footedliarofasoldierwhatgetsflattenedoutan'saton for bein' too comic—what do you do next?' sez Spud, givin' Nobby asmackonthe'ead."'Ihaven'treadthatpartyet,'gaspsNobby'Letmegetupan''aveadekkoatthebook.'"'Let'imgetup,Spud,'Isez."'Hullo,Smithy,'sezSpud,'whatareyoustickin'youruglynoseinfor?'"'Nevermindmynose,'Isez;'letNobbygetup,orI'llgiveyouawipeintheeye,'Isez."'Isee,'sezSpud.'Ju-jitsoomeansalwayshavin'afat-'eadedpalhandytotakeyourpart,'hesez"

12.—THENEWOFFICER

"THEofficer,"saidPrivateSmithy,ofthe1stAnchesters,"isanewofficer.Itisn'tthenewkindofuniform,orthenewSalvationArmycap,orthenewsillywayofwearinghisshouldersash.He'sachangedofficer, ifyouunderstand.Hedon't looknodifferent, and inmanywayshe's not altered abit.He stillplayspoloan'bridge—what'sbridge?"Iexplained."Well,hestilldoesallthesethingsjustaboutasmuchaseverhedid,butItellyou'e'sanastoundingblighterinmanyways.""It ain't so long ago," reflected this monunment of the First Army Corps,"when officers used to come on parade at 10 a.m.—commanding officers'paradedrillorder—andweusedtolookat'emhardtodiscoverwhetherwe'dseen'embefore.Theyusedtotroopdownfromtheofficers'messbuttoninguptheir brown gloves and hooking on their swords under their patrol jackets.They'dstandaboutforaminuteortwoyawnin'theirblankey'eadsorfan'thenthebugledsound'Officerscomeandbeblowed,'an'they'dfallin."Well,thecolour-sergeantwasalwayswaitin'for'em."'What'sonthismornin','saysmefinecaptain."'Battaliondrill,sir,'saystheflag." 'Oh, dash battalion drill,' sez the captain, walkin' round an' inspectin' thecompany.Takethisman'sname,colour-sergeant,forwearinghispouohontherightside.'"'Begpardon,sir,'seztheflag,'they'reworeontherightside.'"'Sotheyare,'seztheintelligentcaptain,givin'acasualglancealongtheline.'Well,takehisnamefor'avingadirtybelt.'"'Right,sir,'sezthecolour-sergeant.

DRILL—OLDSTYLE"Whentheinspectionwasovertheofficerwoulddrawhisswordandreadthewritin'onit,anddrawnoughtsandcrosseswithitontheground;thenfallinsix paces ahead of the centre of his company. Bimeby he'd see something'appeningtothecompanyaheadofhis."What'sgain'onthere,"colour-sergeant'?'he'dask."'Formin'fours,sir,sezthecolour-sergeant." 'Oh, I forgotallabout, that,sezhisnibs. 'Company!Formfours!'an'notamanmoves"'You'aven'tnumbered'em,sir,'sezthecolour-sergeant.

"'Hey?'sezthecaptain,gettin'red.'Thenwhythedickensain'ttheynumberedwhentheyfallin?Numberofffromtheright,an'bequickaboutit.'"Then comes the battalion drill," continued Smithy, with a sad, reminiscentsmile."Thecolonelshoutssomething."'Wbat'sthathesaad,colour-sergeant,'seztheofficer."'Intoline,rightform,sir,'seztheflag."'WhatdoIdo?'sezthecaptain."'Turnhalf-right,sir,andwaitfortheword"march,"'whisperstheflag."Andrightthroughthedrillitwasthesame.Sometimesthecaptainwasright,sometimeshewaswrong.Sometimeshehadthewholecompanyjumbledupin horrid confusion, and the colonel would come prancing atong and saythingshewasprobablysorryforafterwards."Well, an hour of this sort of thingwent on, and then it was 'Right turn—Dismiss,'andtheofficerwouldrunawayandchangehisswordan'uniformforaSundaysuitan'apanamarhat,andwedidn'tseehimagaintillto-morrow."

CONVERTEDOFFICERSSmithyraisedhimselfonhiselbowandaddressedtheorderlymanstaggeringtentwardwithabigkettleofsteamingtea.Wouldtheorderlymanbesokindas togiveSmithyabasinof teaandsavehimthe troubleofcomingto the tentfor it.Withoutcheckinghiscareer, theorderlymanremarked,"Oh,yes,whynot,not'arf.WouldSmithylikehim(theorderlyman)todrinkitforhim(Smithy)?Didhewantwaitingon?Shouldhefetchitinafeedingbottle?"andsundryotherejaculationsofabitterlysatiricalcharacter.WhereuponSmithy,realisingthattheenemywasrapidlygettingoutofrange,deliveredarapidfeudejoieofpersonalities,calculatedtoannoyanddistressayoungandambitiousorderlyman."'Ponmyword,"saidSmithygloomily,"theseblankedBrodericksaregettin'worsean'worse;themen'avechangedasmuchastheofficers.""Howhavetheofficerschanged?"Iasked."Iwasgoing to tellyou,' saidSmithy."AsIsaidbefore, it'sonly'an inwardchange.Youknowsoldiers,don'tyou?""Ido.""Well,you'veseenTommygetconverted—getreligion,haven'tyou?Hedropsthewetcanteen,andspendshistimeinthelibraryplayin'bagatellewithotherbun-wallahs. The cloth is always torn, and the cues 'ave no tips," addedSmithyinconsequently."Hegoestochapelonweeknightsandshowsupthe

regiment by prayin' in public; joins the Templars with fancy grips andpasswords and sashes.Well, beyond giving up booze and saying 'confound'insteadof '——'or '——'or '——',thereain'tmuchdifference,outwardlyatleast.He still partshishair;he stillmashes thegirls;he still doesall things'uman—exceptswearanddrink."So it is with the officer—'e's changed inwardly. He plays polo and golf—whichisa,rottengameinmyopinion—andmotors."Butsomehowweseemtoseemoreofhimthanweused.Hecomesnosingaroundatallhoursoftheday.Hedoescolour-sergeants'workandcorporal'swork—infact,heknowsasmuchaboutsoldieringnowaswedo.Hedoesn'tmakemistakesonparade;heturnsupattheriflerangeevenwhenitain'thisturnforduty;he'lltakeadozenchapsoutintothecountryandteachthemhowtosketch;hespendsalotofhissparetimelearningflag-wagging—infact,infact,"saidSmith,strugglingforaclimax,"he'samoreastoundin'personthanever."

TACTICSUPTODATESmithyrefilledandrelithispipeandruminatedforsomemoments."Yesterday,"saidhe,"thelittlemanFrenchhadusoutattackin'ordefendin'—Idon'tknowwhich—abitofavillage,overthere.'Smithypointedvaguely."IwaswithahalfcompanyunderMr.Brick-Taylor—hegetshiscompanynextmonth.We'vegotanewcolour-sergeantfromthesecondbattalionwho'sbeenusedtogivingofficerstipsallhislife."We were scoutin' ahead, and we sighted the enemy outside a pub nearFrinham.Wecouldseethem,theycouldu'tseeus."'Gitintothatdonga,'seztheofficer,pointin'toabig,deepditch." 'Beg pardon, sir,' says the flag, 'I think you ought to extend themen andretire,sir.'" 'Oh, you do, do you?' sez the orficer, 'well, I don't; get into the donga asquickasyoucan.'"'Begpardon,sir,'seztheflag,'butthebooksez—'"'Whatbook?'seztheorficer."'Drillbook,sir,'sezthecolour-bloke."'Neverreadit,'sezthelittlemanascalmasyouplease." 'I'm takin' cover and hidin', because I once got plugged in the neck by aMauserbulletfornotdoin'so.Iamnotretiringinopenorderaccordin'tothebookbecauseItriedsomethinglikeitatMagersfonteinandappearedinalltheLondonpapersthenextmornin'as'dangerously.'

Abuglecallrangoutsharpandclear,a,dozententsdisgorgedoneortwomen,whobuttonedtheircoatsastheyhurriedtotheguardtent."Defaulters,"saidSmithy,shiftinghispositiontooneofgreatercomfort;"allyoungsoldiers,an'punishment'sgoodfor'em—it'ssurprisin'howafewkickshelpamanintheArmy."

13.—THEAGITATOR

"HEARDaboutoursecretsociety?"askedSmithy.IassuredhimthatIhadnotheardthefaintestwhisperofanythingsoalarming.Smithylaughed,asthoughhehadsuddenlyrememberedsomethingamusing."ChapnamedOats—ShakerOatswecallhim—gotninemonths'service,an'tohearhimtalkyou'da-thoughthewasborninBuckin'hamPalace,thesideheputon."HeblewintotheArmywhennoonewaslookin',andhewassosurprisedtofindhisselfinairproofclothesan'bootsthatdidn'tletintheshoweryweatherthathebegantoswell;andwhenhe'dgotusedtonotfeelin'hungryhebegantoletonaboutthewaytheporesoldierwastreated,an'howciviliansthoughtsoldierswasdogs,an'howwewasdefendin' theEmpireforashillin' todaywhilst bits of putty-faced boys earnin' a pound aweekwaswalkin' out ourgirls."OnedayNobbycomestomean'sez,'Where'sOatsey?'" 'Defendin' the Empire,' I sez, 'by learnin' which end of the rifle the bangcomes from'—for Oatsey about that time was doin' his recruit's course ofmusketry."'Heardaboutthesecretsociety?'sezNobby."'GoodTemplars?'Isez."'No,Oatsey's,'sezNobby."ItappearsthatOatseygotalotofchapstogetherinthewetcanteenan'told'em he was goin' to form to secret society called 'The Pore Soldiers' Anti-SlaveryLeague.'The chapswouldn't listen to himat first, but hepaid for apintallroundan'told'emallaboutit."ThenewsthatOatseywashavin'ameetin'an'standin'freebeergotout,an'Nobby Clark was nearly trampled to death tryin' to get into the canteen tosecondoldOatsey'smotion."Well,theygotalotofrulesout,an'anewkindofgripinventedbyNobby,an'

apassword,an'asign,sothateverybodyshouldknowabrother.'"Itdidn'twantnopasswordorsign,orgripeither."Youcouldn'tmiss thebrothers.Theyused tosit roundOatsey, sayin' 'Hear,hear,'whileOatseywaspayin'forthebeer,an'whenOatseyhadspentallhismoney,oneofthebrotherswouldrisean'movethatthemeetin'shouldadjourntillnextpay-day."'Ourmotteris,'Oatseywouldsay,'afairday'sworkforafairday'spay,an'oneman'sasgoodasanother';an'thegeneralideawasthatthesecretsocietyshouldbeatradeunionofsoldiers."Therewaslotsofspecialideas,butmostof'emwasn'tworthmentionin'."Onewas thateverybrothershouldpayforhisownbeer.Oatseyput that inhisself,an'itnearlybrokeupthesociety."Me and Nobby didn't go to any of the meetin's after that rule was made.OatseysaidthatalltheArmywouldjoinifweoncegotitfairlystarted."S'posewewasatwar."The1stAnchesters(theAnchesterbranchofthePoreSoldiers'Anti-SlaveryLeague,asit'dbethen)wouldbewaitin'toattack."Upgallopsoneoftheglitterin'staff."'Takeyourbattalionforward,ColonelGollingham,'hesez."'Verygood,sir,'seztheColonel,an'ordersthebuglertosoundtheadvance."Notachapmoves." 'What thesomethin'baddoes thismean?'yells theColonel. 'Advance!youunmentionablehorrors!'"ThenOatseystepsoutoftheranks—himbein'theperpetualPresidentoftheLeague—withallhissashesan'decorationson." 'Begpardon,sir,'hesez, 'wecan'tgoon.Afairday'sworkforafairday'spay,'hesez,'isamotterwealladore,an'we'vedoneoureighthoursalready.'"'But,'seztheColonel,'thinkoftheregiment—thinkofyourselves—thinkofthecountry.'"'Thereain'tnojoyinworkin'unlessyou'reworkin'foryourself,'Oatseysezgloomily; 'the country can look after itself, an' as to the trade—Imean thereg'ment—weonlydowhatwedobecausewe'repaidforit.'"BythistimetheColonel'shalforfhishead."'Buttheenemy—youblitherin'flat-footedass—they'lldefeatus—they'll—'" 'We're indifferent to the enemy,' sez Oatsey proudly, 'an' the sooner theyknowitthebetter.'

"Orp'raps,"Smithywenton,lettinghisfancyrunfree,"p'rapswe'readvancin'inworkin'hours,an'suddenlyOatseyshoutsout,'Halt!'"AlongcomestheColonel,sayin''Rotterdam'asfastashecan."'What'sthemeanin'ofthis?'hesez."'Verysorry,'sezOatsey,ascoolasyouplease,'butwecan'tchargealongsideoftheNorthWessexRegiment.'"'Why?'seztheColonel,amongotherthings."'Because,'sezOatsey,'theNorthWessexisanon-unionregiment,'hesez,an'wot'smore,theColoneloftheWessexhasgotsharesinatied-housebrewery,wot'samonopoly.'"'Thinkofthehonourofthecountry,'seztheporeoldColonel."'Ican't,'sezOatsey,asboldasbrass,'an'wot'smore,Ican'tletthemembers—Imeanthemen—thinkeither;itwouldoverstraintheirphysicalcapacity,'sezOatsey."Sowe get defeated again," said Smithy,with some relish. "Sometimes theArmywould stand out for extra overtime, just when the enemywas gettin'guns into position; sometimes we'd want to knock off on Saturdays at twoo'clock.Sometimes, at theminute theenemywasgoin' to strike,we'd striketoo."ThatwasOatsey'sidea."He said one man was as good as another, an' every man that worked forhisselfwasworkin'forthecountry,an'itdidn'tmuchmatteraboutthecountry,anyway."OnenightImetNobbyClarkdowntown."'Smithy,'hesez'doyouwanttojoinanothersecretsociety?"'Who'spayin'forthebeerthistime?'Isez."'Nobody,'sezNobby,larfin'."'Wot'sitcalled?'Isez." 'The Society for Givin' Old Oatsey a Barrack-Room Court-Martial,' sezNobby."'Putmedownasahonor'ymember,'Isezquick."ThatnightwhenOatseywasdefendin'theEmpirebysleepin'inhiscot,mean'Nobbyan'BillTaskeran'PugWilliamsan'afewmorechapspulledhimoutofbedbytheleg."'Wot'sup?'sezOatsey,nubbin'hiseyes."'TheEmpire'sindanger,'sezNobby.

"'Nolarks!'sezOatsey,tryin'togetup."Sowesathimonaforman' read thefuneralserviceoutofhisownPrayerBook.ThenNobby,bein'thePresidentoftheCourt,sez:—" 'Private Oatsey, you are charged, accordin' to King's Regulations an' themanualofMilitaryLaw,withconspirin'withothersnotyetincustody—'"'Youdrunkmybeer,anyway,'sezOatsey."'Don'tmakeyourcrimeworse,youngfeller.'sezNobby—'Withmutinyan'other crimes too numerous tomention.With tryin' to form a silly fool of aleaguean'cetrer,an'cetrer.'"Sotheysentencedhim,"saidSmithycheerfully."Towhat?"Iasked."Topunishment,"answeredSmithyevasively."Anyway, that broke up our secret society, for old Oatsey paraded at theorderly-roomthenextmornin'an'askedtobetransferredtoanotherreg'ment.HesaidtheAnchesterswassonoisytheymadehisheadache."

14.—MISSINGWORDS

MANYyears ago a popular periodical offered a pound aweek for life as aprizeforthesolutionofaproblem.ItisoneoftheglorioustraditionsoftheBritishArmythatthisprizewenttoasoldier.Since when, as Smithy pointed out, newspaper competitions have enjoyedconsiderablepopularityinthejuniorservice.Iaminclinedtoagreewithmymilitaryfriendthatsufficientattentionhasnotbeenpaid to thesoldier in thematterofcompetitions,andalthough,asIamwillingtoadmit,therewerepointsaboutPrivateClark'sventurewhichborderperilously close upon the illegal, not to say criminal, I share Smithy'sadmirationforthegeniusoftheinventor."AchapnamedMacpherson—thechapthatsaid'ewasasgoodastheColonelif 'e'd bin born in diff'rent circumstances—won a prize from the AnchesterGuardian," said Smithy. "We all went in for it, me an' Nobby Clark, SpudMurphy,'AppyJohnson,DustyMiller—oh,an'alotofus."Thecompetitionwas to fill inawordat theendofa line. Itwentsome'owlikethis:—" 'The British soldier is renowned all the world over for his pluck. On the

marchnothin'issoremarkableashistremendous—'"You'adtofillinabitofpaperwiththelastwordthatwasn'tthere,andsenditin."I put 'weariness,' Spud put 'grousin,' Dusty Miller put 'stiffness,' 'AppyJohnson got aword out of the dictionary, 'acumen,' another chap in 'H' put'thirst,' an' Nobby sent two papers—they cost a penny each too—one with'feet,'an'theotherwith'corns.'"ItappearsthatoldMacsentin 'endurance,'an'gottheprize,an'Nobbywasverywild,an'saiditwasn'tfairtousewordsthatwasn'tinthedictionary."'Egotmorefriendlytowardsnight,though,an'whenoldMaccomeintothecanteenfor'issupperbeer,Nobbywalksupto'iman'shakes'ands." 'Good luck toyou,Mac,' sezNobby, 'I'mveryglad it'syou that'sgot it,' 'esez; if it'd been anybody else theywouldn't 'ave offered to share all round,sharean'sharealike.'"'Nomoredon'tI,'sezMac,shortan'sweet."'Don'tsaythat,Mac,'sezNobby,veryhurt;don'tsaythat,an'youaSocialist,too.'" 'Iain'taSocialistwhenI'vegotanymoney,'sezMac 'it'sonlypovertythatmakesmenSocialists.'"'Ain'tyougoin'toshare,youlong-'airedAnarchist?'sezNobby."'No,'sezMac,'Iain't.'"OldNobbythoughtabit.'Well,don't,'esez,an'somethingelse."'Gothereyourself,'sezMac."Nextmornin'aftertheeleveno'clockparadeNobbycomestomean'sez:—"'Comin'inmycompetition,Smithy?'"'Wotcompetition?'Isez." 'A new one I've got up for the troops,' 'e sez, an', sure enough, 'e wasn'tjokin',foritwasalloverbarracksthatNobbywasofferin'twoquidtoanybodywhoansweredaquestionwhathewritonabitofpaperinthecanteen."Thiswasthecompetition.Nobbyputdownthisonapaper.

"'NOTICE" 'I havewrit down twowords, an' the first chapwho comes up tome andgivesmesixpencean'saysthemwillhavetwopounds.'"Ofcourse,nobodybelievedoldNobby,but'eshowed'emthetwosovereignsan'thepaperwiththewordson,allsealedupwithsealin'-wax,an'byandbyWeary Walker, of 'G,' sez, 'Well, I'll 'ave sixpennorth. 'Ere's your tanner,

Nobby—isit"Goodmornin'?"'"'No,'sezNobby,prompt."SothenTinyWhitespentsixpence,an'said:'Wot,Nobby!'ButNobbyshook'is'eadan'boughtapintofbeerwiththemoney."Chaps come from every company to try then luck. Some said, 'Nice day';somesaid,'How'sthings?'somesaid'Buckup,'butNobbyonlyshook'is'eadan'tookthemoney."Ourcorporalgotfedupwithpeoplealwaysrushin'intoourbarrack-roomjustasweweregoingto'avedinner."'I'vegotit,Nobby,'they'dsay,tremblin'withexcitement."'Giveusyourmoneyfirst,'sezNobby;an'they'dpartlikebirds."'It's"Shoulderarms"'they'dsay,or'Marktime,'or'Formfours,'an''oldouttheirmitsforthetwopounds."'Wrong,'sezNobbysadly,an'they'dgoawayquitedisappointed."Onedayourcorporal,Pidgin'Partridge, thechapwith the funnyface, said,'Lookhere,Clark,ifanymoreofthemcornerboysof'H'comerunninginatdinner-time,I'llsaytwowords."Guardroom,"they'llbe,an'don'tyouforgetit.'"Well, it got about somehow that the twowordsNobbyputdownwaswhatyou'dcallachapwhodroppedarifleonyourtoe,orbreathedonyourbuttons,orputanoilragonyourwhitebelt,an'forthreedaysthetroopsusedtocomeuptoNobby,pay'imsixpence,an'swearathim."OnenightwhenNobbywasoutintown,oldTomCokeof'G'comesrunnin'intomybarrack-room."'Where'sNobby?''esez."'Downtown,'Isez."'I'vethoughtofthetwowords,''esez,allinatwitter.'WherecanIfind'im?'"'Downatthetheatreseein'TheGallantSoldierLad.'"'Inthegalleryorinthepit?''esez."'Intheprivateboxes,fat'ed,'Isez,and'erunsout."ItappearsNobbywassittin'inthefrontrowofthegallery,whenoldCokeycameinandspotted'im."The villain was smokin' a cigarette an' tellin' the 'ero that 'e was only acommon soldier, an' all the girls in the audience was snivellin', and al thechapswasblowin'theirnoses,whenCokeyshouts:"'Nobby!'

"Nobbylooksround,an'sodidtheaudience."'Catchthistanner,Nobby,'an'Cokeythrewasixpence."Nobby'adn'tgotthefacetocatchit,soitfellonthe'eadofayoungmilitiaofficerinthestalls." 'Turn 'im out!' shouts everybody, an' the villain on the stage lit anothercigarette."'It'sblank,blank!'shoutsCokey,strugglin'withachucker-out."Well, the end of it was that old Cokey got seven days for usin' horriblelanguageinapublictheatreandcreatin'adisturbance."Then it got about that the twowordswaswhat you'd say to a chap if youwantedtostandtreat,an''arfadozenfellerspaidsixpencetosay,'Drinkup,'''Aveanother,'an' 'What'syours?'butNobbyalwayssaid 'Beer,'an'tooktheirsixpences."They got fed up after a bit: Nobby 'ad collected thirty-seven an' six, an'nobodymanagedtoguessthewords." 'Let's see that paper, Nobby,' sez SpudMurphy one night; 'we're tired ofpayin'youtanners,andwe'regoin'togivetheriddleup.What'sthewords?'"Nobbylookedatme'ansortofconsidered."'I'llgiveyouallanotherchance,''esez,'at'arfprice.'"Buttherewasnotakers." 'Let's see the paper, Nobby,' sez Mac, who'd spent two an' six on fiveguesses."'Whatpaper?'sezNobby."'Thepaperthemwordsareon,'sezSpud."Nobbythoughtabit,thentookthepaperfrom'ispocketan'brokethesealin'-wax."AllthechapscrowdedroundwhenNobbyopenedthepaper,an'lookedover'isshoulder."'Why,there'snothin'writtenonitatall!'sezSpudMurphy,veryindignant.Nobbylookedsurprised."'Imust'aveforgottentoput'emdown,''esez."''Ere,Smithy,lendusabitofpencil,an'I'llput'emdownnow,''esez."

15.—THENEWRULES

"YOUmustn'tthink,"warnedSmithy,"thatsoldiersaresoftorsilly,oreasilygotover,justbecauseNobbyClark'sgotawayoftakin''emin.""Nobby's got what I call an artful way, an' there's no doubt at all," addedPrivateSmith,impressively,"thatwhatNobbydon'tknowain'tworthknowin'."Wewashavin' a talk theother night about cricket.Well, everybodyknowsthat 'B'Companyis theworstcricketcompanyin theregiment,an' theotherchapswaschaffin'mean'Nobbyaboutit."'Look'ere,Spud,'sezNobby,solemnly,'whenyoutalkaboutusnotknowin'howtoplaycricketyou'reonlyshowin'upyourignorance.It'syouthatdon'tknowhowtoplaycricket—realcricket.'"'Howso,Nobby?'sezSpud."'Why,sezNobby,'youchapsdon'tplayaccordin'tothenewmilitaryrules.'"'Whatnewrules?'sezSpud."So Nobby explained a few of the new rules for military players, an'everybodywasverysurprised'tohear'em."'Wheredidyoupick'emup?'sezSpud,suspiciously."'WhenIwasareferee,''esez."'Youmeanumpire,'sezSpud."'It'scalledrefereeunderthenewrules,'sezNobby,calmly." 'It'smybelief,' sezSpudMurphy, 'youdon'tknowanythingabout thenewrules.'"Still," explainedSmithy,withanadmiringwagofhishead, "itwaseasy toseethatalotofchapsbelievedoldNohby—especiallychapsofourcompany—whenNobbytold'emthatifthegame'dbeenplayedunderproperrulestheywouldn't'avelostamatchlastyear,an'theendofitwasourcompanyagreedtoplay 'G'—thebestcricketcompanyintheregiment—an'Nobbyofferedtobereferee."SpudMurphywantedtworeferees,butNobbysaidthatwasn'tallowedunderthenewrules.SoSpud.'adtobecontent—although'egroused!likeanythinganrefusedtoplayforus."'Let'implayfor"G",'sezNobby,andSpudwasallowedtoplayfortheotherside."Therewaslotsofbetsonthegame,an'Spudmadeabitofrowbecausehe'eardthatNobbywasbackin''B'companyveryheavy." 'Umpiresain'tallowedtobet,'sezSpud,an'Nobbyreferred 'imto thenewrules.Spudwentalloverthetowntryin' tobuyabookofthenewrules,but

couldn't."Everybodywentovertothecricketgroundtoseethematch,an'Nobbywastherewithabookunderhisarm."Theothersidewonthetoss,an'Crawleyan'SpudMurphywasthefirstmenin,an'IcouldseeSpuddidn't'arflikeit."'Noneofyourlarks,Nobby,'sezSpud." 'Go on,myman,' sezNobby, very haughtily, 'attend to your business, an'don'ttalktothereferee.'" 'Ifyougivemeout,'sezSpud,wettin' 'ishand,an'catchin'holdofthebat,'youjustlookoutforyourself.'"'Out!'sezNobby."'Whatfor?'roarsSpud,an'allthechapscomerunnin'up."'Iwarnyouoffthefield,'sezNobby,firmly,'forthreatenin'thereferee.'"There was an 'orrible row, an' one of the chaps went over an' broughtCorporalMason,who'safootballreferee,todecideit.'Ecomeover'ansaid'edidn'tknowanythingaboutcricket,butifSpudinsultedthereferee, 'e'dhavetoleavethefield,whichSpuddidamidloudcheersfrom'B'Company."In oneway an' another," said Smithy, "Nobby got all the 'G' chaps out foreleven."Spiky Brown was put out for hittin' a ball outside the boundary, old'AmpshireGilesgotrunoutnaturally,BillyPainwasoutformakin'remarkstothereferee,twootherchapswasoutforhittin'theballwiththewrongsideofthebat,an'therestwasoutunderoneofNobby'snewrules."Mean''AppyJohnsonwasthefirsttobatforourside,an'BillyPainwasthebowler."ThefirstballIgotIjustmanagedtotouch,an'it"sortofglancedoffmybatintoSpudMurphy'shands."How'sthat?'yellsSpud."'Notout!'sezNobby."'Itisout!'roarsSpud,indignantly."'Whatdidyouwanttoaskmefor?'sezNobby,'ifyouknewallaboutit?Goonwiththegame.'"But they wouldn't go on until Nobby explained the rule. It appears, byNobby's rule, a chap that's been warned off the field by the referee ain'tallowedtogetamanout,eitherbycatchin'orbowlin'." 'It's part of thepunishment,Spud,' sezNobby, sadly. 'I can't helpyou,my

poorfeller;Ididn'tmaketherules,'"'Idon'tknowsomuchaboutthat,'sezSpud,fiercely."Wewentonwiththegame,an'bimebyaballcomealongan'sentmymiddiestumpflyin'."'How'sthat?'sezthebowler."Nobbyhesitatedforabitan'looksatthestumps,an'thenlooksatme."'How'sthat!'shouts'G'Company,verywild."'Out,'sezNobby,'quiteout,bytherulesofthegame.'"Afterthis 'G'Companybegantobrightenupabit;theycouldseetherewassomethinginNobby'srulesafterall."Therewasabitofsensationincourt,inamannerofspeakin',afewminutesafter,when'AppyJohnsongave'isbataswingbackwardan'knockedthebailsoff."'How'sthat?'shoutsthewicket-keeper."'Notout,'sezNobby,veryprompt." 'Whynot?'shoutsSpudMurphy,gettin'redintheface.Nobbyturnson'imsternly. 'I've 'ad to speak to you once before, young feller, an' if I 'ave anymorecheekfromyou,I'lldealseverelywithyou.'"'Butwhyain't'Appyout?'sezSpud,verypersistent."Nobbythoughtan'thought,whileeverybodystoodwaitin',an'then,when'ecouldn'tthinkofanythingtosay, 'esez: 'Irefusetodiscussthematter;goonwiththegame.'" 'Appygotoutafterabitbybein'cleanbowled,an'althoughNobbysaid itwas a 'noball,'e allowed 'Appy togoout, becos theother sidewasdoin' sobadly."Thegamestoodelevenallwhenourlastman,DustyMiller,wentin,an'theexcitementwasintense."Beforetheplayatarted,NobbygoesuptoDustyan'startsgivin'himtips." 'What youwant to do,Dusty,' sezNobby,, 'is to keepwell in front of thewicket,an'ifyouseetheballcomin'straightforthestumps,putyourbatdownsoasitcan'tgetpast.Getabyeifpossible,becausethat'seasiest,an—'" 'Ere!' interrupts SpudMurphy, who was gettin' quite vexed, ''ere, Nobby,you'rethebloomin'umpire;youain'tallowedtogivetips.'"'Ho!ain'tI?'sezNobby,indignant.'Ain'tallowedtogivetips,whenI'vegotfourshillin'sonthegame?'"'No,'roarsSpud.

"'Proceedwiththegame,'sezNobbypolitely,'an'keepyourfaceclosed,Mr.Murphy,ifyouplease.'"Dustyciidverywell,"commendedSmithy."Alltheballsthatcomestraightforthewicket'estopped,eitherwithhisbatorwithhisleg,an'Nobbypattedhimonthebackonceandsaid'Bravo.'" 'Then a nice slow ball come along, an' Dusty, bein' encouraged by whatNobbysaid,went'arfwaydownthepitchtomeetit."'Egaveitsuchasortofswingin'round-aboutcutan'droveitbe'ind'im."Itwould'avegotaboundary,onlyNobbyappearedtobestandin'intheway."Theballcaught'iminthemiddleofthechest,an'downdroppedNobby,blueinthefacean'gaspin'."Weallgatheredround,an'GusWard,whowaslookin'on,gaveNobbysomeartificial—what-do-you-call-it?—sort of dumb-bell exercise for drowndedpeople."BimebyNobbycameround,an''eglaresatDusty."'Areyou'urt,Nobby?'sezDusty,anxious." 'Urt!' gaspsNobby, faintly; 'yes, I am,' 'e sez, 'but you!—you're "out" an'warnedorfthefieldbythenewrules,''esez."

16.—THECHEF

"THE thing about the Army, that's the most curious," said the informingSmithy,"isthatyouneverknowwhatachap'sbeenbeforeheenlisted."Youseeasmart-lookin'chap,smart tunic,whitebelt, littleboots,an'anicecurldownover'isfor-'ead,an'yousaytoyourself,'Thatchapwasagentlemanbefore'eenlisted,I'llbet;'butthechancesarehewasonlyacostermonger."Similarlyyouseeachapuntidy,achapwhodon'tlikeshavin',an'generallykeeps hisself to hisself, an' you put 'im down as a corner boy, when thechancesarehe's'adagoodeducation,an'aslikelyasnot'e'sbeenachaplikeyou—made'islivin'byputtin'bitsinthepaper."There'squitea lotof respectableyoung fellers in theArmysupposed tobesinglewhodursen'tgonearawork'ouse for fear 'arfadozen little 'eadswillpopoverthewallan'startshoutin''Father!'an'visaversa."I don't troublemy 'ead verymuch aboutwhat a chap's been, although I'veoftenwonderedwhatNobbywasbefore'eenlisted."We'adabitofanargumentaboutittheotherdaywhenNobbywasout,an'

Spud Murphy said he thought Nobby must 'ave been somethin' that getsmoneywithoutwork." 'I'llbet,' sezSpuds, 'ifyou lookonNobby'sattestationpaperyou'llsee 'imdescribedasa"labourer,"likeallchapsarethatdon'tlikework.'"DustyMillerthoughtNobbymust'avebeenarailwayporter,because'enevergetspallywithachapunless'e'sgotsomemoney."Atanyrate,"saidSmithy,withafaintgrin,"thequestionwas,inamannerofspeakingsettled,forafewdaysafterNobbywassentfortotheorderly-rooman'paradedbeforetheAdjutant." 'I see,' sez theAdjutant, whowas looking overNobby's papers, 'that youdescribeyourselfasa"cook"—isthatright?'"'Yes,sir,'sezNobby,withoutbattin'aneye."'Whatsortofacookareyou?'saystheAdjutant,lookin''ardatNobby."'Verygood,sir,'sezNobbymodestly." 'Well,' sez theAdjutant, 'we're tryin' a new systemofmessin', so you canreportyourselftothemastercookforduty—you're"B"Company'scook.'"Therewastremendousexcitementin'B'whenitgotoutthatNobbywasthenew cook. Spud Murphy went up an' saw the Adjutant, an' asked to betransferredtoanothercompany."'Idon'twanttosayanythingaboutPrivateClark,sir,' 'esez,'butI'maverydelikiteater,an'Clarkan'meain'tgoodfriends.'"AllthechapsgotroundNobbyinthebarrackroom,an'startedfirin'questionsathim."'Whatareyougoingtomakeus,Nobby?'theysez."'Waitan'see,'sezNobby,cautious."'AreyouaFrenchcook,Nobby?'sezWearyThompson."'AbitFrench,'sezNobby,'an'abitSpanish.I'mwhatyoucallachef.'"'What'sthat,Nobby?'"'That'sthebitofFrenchIwastellin'youabout,'sez'e."Nobbywent into the town an' bought a cookery book that tells you 'ow totakestainsoutofsilkdressesan''owtocleanoldpictures,an'startedstudyin'thisforall'ewasworth."NobbytookoverthedutyonMonday,andafterhavin'afewwordswiththemaster cook about somekit the sergeantmissed as soon asNobby comeonduty,hesortofcalmedhimbytellin'himaboutafewFrenchdishesedlearntabout.

"'We'll'avesome"PoulettdeAnchester"to-day,'sezNobby." 'What's that?' sez themaster cook—SergeantBrown, the fat sergeant, youknow."'Roastchickenan'capersauce,'sezNobby,proudly."'Don'tbeafool,Clark,'sezthesergeant,nastily.'We'aven'tgotanychicken,youknowthat.'"'Thenwe'llhavepotpourri,'sezNobbyveryquick."'What'sthat?'sezthesergeant,bewildered."'Anythingwegot,'sezNobby."Everybodywastalkin'aboutthedinner,an'wewasallwonderin'whatwe'dgotinthewayoffood."SpudMurphygothisnametookontheteno'clockparadeforspeakin'intheranks." 'This afternoon,' 'e sez, very gloomy, 'the pioneers'll be wheelin' a barrerroundthesquare,ringin'abellan'shoutin'"Bringoutyourdead,"thesameasitwasatthegreatfireorLondon.'"Whenthecook-housebuglewenttherewasn'tamanof'B'leftinthecanteen—theywasallsittin' tight inthebarrack-roomwaitin'for theorderlymantobringinthedinner."Itcomeupall'otandsteamin'."There was potatoes an' cabbage an' a curious-lookin' lot ofmeat an' stuff.SpudMurphylooksoverit,sniffs,an'sez:'I'llhavesomepotatoandcabbage.'"Asamatteroffact,"explainedSmithy,"thedinnerwasveryniceindeed,an'Spudbegantofeelsmallwhenwetold'imhowwewasenjoyin'it."Whenwe'dnearlyfinishedit,therewasabitofacommotionoutside,an'inrushesa chap from 'C'Company.Hedashesup to the table an' takes a longlookatthetinthedinnercomeupin,an'thenshouts:"''Ere!youbloomin'thieves,you'regotourdinner,an'we'vegotyours.'"'Well.'sezthecorporal,verykindly,'you'rewelcometoit.'"'Hoarewe!'sezthe'C'man,shakin'his'eadfiercely.'Well,justcomean''avealookatthestuffwe'vegot.'"Soweallfinishedupourdinnerquick,withthe'C'chaplookin'onwithtearsinhiseyes,an'walksoverto'C'Companyroom.Thedinnerwassteamin'onthetable,an'everybodywasstandin'alongwayofflookin'wildan'hungry."'What'sup?'sezourcorporal."'That,'sezthecorporaloftheotnerroom,veryagitated,'that'swhat'sup,'sez

'e,pointin'tothedinner."Wealllookedatit;itlookedallright.Wesmeltit;itsmeltallright."'Tasteit,'seztheothercorporal."Ourcorporal'esitatedabit,thensampledthegravy."Justthentheorderlyofficerarrivedtoaskiftherewasanycomplaints.'Ewasjustgoin'toaskwhen'esawourcorporal."'What'sthematterwithCorporalWhite?''esez;'is'etookill?'"'Nosir,'seztheothercorporal,an'thenexplainsaboutthedinner,whilstmeandanotherchapassistedourcorporalintothefreshair."Whenwegotbacktheofficerwastalkin'."'SendforPrivateClark,'hesez.Sotheydid,an'inaminuteinwalksNobbylookin' very pleased with hisself —one of our chaps had told him what asuccessourdinnerwas,an'he thought theorderlyofficerhadsentfor 'imtoshowthe'C'cook'owtomakeadinner."I will say," said Smithy, enthusiastically, "old Nobby looked every inch ashef!Whitecoat,white'at,an'verynearlywhiteapron."'Clark,'seztheorderlysternly.'didyoupreparethis?'"Nobbywassurprised to see 'B'sdinner in 'C's room,but 'e lookedat it, an'sez,'Yes.'"'Whatdoyoucallit?'seztheofficer."'Potpourri,'sezNobby,boldly."'Whypotpourri?'seztheofficer."Nobbythoughtabit."'Becauseit'spouredoutofapot,''esez."Theofficerlooksvery'ardatNobby."'What'sthis?''esez,stirrin'acuriouslookin'thingroundwith'iscane."Nobby looks at it an' gasps, an' just then themaster cook,who'dbeen sentfor;,comein." 'Sergeant!'Nobbysez,quiteexcited, 'lookatthis!'Thesergeantlooked,an'hegasped,"'P'raps,'sez,Nobby,sternly.'you'llapologisenowforaccusin'meorstealin'yourblackin'brush.'

17.—THEJOURNALIST

IMETSmithyintheHighStreet,andIwillnotattempttodenythatSmithydid not seem the least bit pleased to see me. He was in uniform, hence Iconjectured thathehad losthis jobasgroomtoMajor-Somebody-or¬-OtherontheStaff."Factis,"confessedSmithy,inanswertomyre¬proaches,"I'mabitdownonnewspaperchapsjustnow."Thiswasindeedmournfulnews.FromthedayIhadfirstmetPrivateSmithyofthe1stAnchesterRegiment,atOrange River Station, when he gave a memorable reproof to the haughtyC.I.V., down, so to speak, to yesterday, Smithy's regard and esteem for themembersofmyprofessionhadbeenmostflattering."It'shardenough,"complainedSmithybitterly,"whentheywon'tputyourbitsinthepaper;butwhentheydo,and,what'smore,"headded,withrisingwrath,"theyputyourblue-lightnametoit,why—why,it'semphatically,unprintablyhard!"AndSmithyrelapsedintoamoodysilence."NobbyClarkseztome,"heresumed,plungingintothethickofhisgrievance,"'esez,'Smithy,howmuchmoney'veyougot?'" 'Four dee,' I sez—and it was three days off pay¬day," added Smithy, invindicationofhispenury."'Goandborreracoupleofbobfromtheflag,''esez."'Yougo,'Isez."'I'vebeen,'hesezsadly."'So'aveI,'Isez."'Whatdid'esay?'sezNobby,an'Itoldhim."You wouldn't think a man with a colour-sergeant's rank would use suchlanguage, would you?" asked Smithy, who gave me verbatim the "flag's"insultingreplytoSmithy'smodestdemands."'Well,'sezNobby,'wemustgitsomemoneysomewhere;whataboutputtin'abitinthepapers?'"'Whatshallweput?'Isez,catchin'ontotheidea,forachapIknow—FattyJames, of 'B' Company—got ten shillings once forwritin' to a paper that apictureofasheepandafencemeant'Ramsgate.'" 'Makesomethingup,'sezNobby;somean' imwentovertothelibraryan'thought an' thought an' thought." Smithy lowered his voice to a reverentialhuskinessattherecollectionofthateveningoftremendousmentalexertion.

"Afterabouttwohours,"heresumedthoughtfully,"wemadeupapiece."Hestoppedbeneathastreetlamp,andproducedasoiledhalf-sheetofnotepaper,bearingtheregimentalcrest."Icopiedit,"hesaidsimply,andIread:"We are give to understand upon the highest unimpechible authority that aseveremuttinybrokeoutinthebarracksoftheAnchesterRegimentonFridaylastat10o'clockoweingtotheuppishconductofacertaincolour-sargentofBCompanytryingtocometheoldsoldieroverthegallantherosofthatfamousregiment.We think this should be put a stop to at once asmuch bloodshedwouldnottakeplaceifcertainpartiesknewwheretodrawtheline."IhandedthepaperbacktoSmithy."What do you think of that?" he asked anxiously. I gave it my unqualifiedapproval."Well," resumed the sensationalist, "we sent it to theAnchesterGazette, an'theyputabitofitin,an'sendsmehalfajames."Which, to be exact, is ten shillings, a handsome reward, considering theGazettehadevidentlyomittedthemorestartlingportionofthenews."SomeandNobbywritesanotherbit,"Smithywenton—"'ereitis."Asecondsoiledfragmentofhistorywasproduced:"Wehearfromtwowhoknowsthatanotherhorriblemuttinycameoffat thebarracks of the Anchester Regiment yesterday at 1.35, oweing to a certainparty being a bit too clever and talking big in the canteen about his richrelations.""That," explained Smithy hastily, "was a party named Briggs, who's got anuncleinthelinen-drapin'line.""Didtheyprintthat?"Iasked."No,"saidSmithy,withacough."Igotaletterfromtheheadman:'Dearsir,we'retiredofmutiniestryuswithsomethingelse.'"Smithyhadthesarcasticmessagebyheart."Sowedid,"hewentongloomily;"sowedid.Nobbyan'me,wethoughtan'thoughtfortwodays.""'Let'ssaytherewasahorriblefireinbarracks,'hesez."'No,'Isez,'let'ssaytherewasahorriblesuicidein"B"Company,'Isez."'No,'sezNobby,who'sgotadownon'D'owin'tothecompanycookan'himbeingbadfriends,'let'ssay"D"Companyhasbeenhorriblypoisonedtodeathowin'tothewaythemeat'scooked!'"Well," saidSmithy,witha sigh, "we thoughtofeverything, fromahorrible

discoveryintheofficers'quarterstothequartermaster-sergeantdoin'ahorriblebunkwiththepay,tillatlastoldNobbysays.'I'vegotit!'"I'vegotit,"repeatedSmithy,withagroan."'Isitahorrible?'Isez,"'No,'sezNobby,'itain't;it'sFanny,'hesez."'Oh!'Isez.'IsitahorriblemurderoftheColonel'sdaughter?'Isez—wecallherFanny,"Smithyexplained."'She'sanicegirl,'sezNobby,sortofmusin'."'I'venevernoticedit,'Isez."'Sheoughttobemarried,'sezNobby.'Let'smarry'ertosomeone.'"Somean'Nobbysatuphalfthenighttryin'tothinkwhowecouldmarryherto. He started with the doctor, who got Nobby seven days for shammin'toothache, and thenwe thoughtof theAdjutant,who'salwaysonmycollar;but bimeby we said let bygorns be bygorns, an' we married her to theGeneral."Igasped,forGeneralStucker,blankoldStuckerasbeisnicknamed,becauseofthechoiceandvarietyofhisexpletives,isthemostpepperyoldwarriorintheBritishArmy."Wemarried her to theGeneral," and Smithy's native sense of humourwasresponsibleforthefaintchucklehegave."Here—readthis."Anotherfriendlylamp-postobliged."We beg to announcewithmuch pleasure thatMiss FannyGollingham ourcolonel'sdaughteriswalkingoutwithGeneralStuckerwhoseheroicconductisgreatlyadmiredandthehappycouplewillsoonleaveontheirhoneymoon,Wehopekindfriendswillrallyroundtheybeingthefirsttohelpothers.""Didtheyprintthat?"Iaskedinanawestruckwhisper."Theydid,"saidSmithyinapainedundertone."Well?"Iasked."ItwasNobbyClarkwho done it " said Smithy explosively; "he sez, 'Let'ssignit"CaptainClarkof'B'"and"MajorSmithof'H,'"foralark.'"'Where'sthelark?'Isez." 'Why, fathead,' he sez, 'theywon't put it in unless they thinkweknowallaboutit,'hesez;sowesignedit."Smithydrewacrumplednewspapercuttingfromhispocket:"Wearehappy,ontheauthorityofMajorSmith,ofHCompany,andCaptainClark, of B, to announce the engagement of Major-General Sir George

Stucker, K.C.B., to the eldest daughter of Lieut.-Colonel Gollingham. Theweddingwill he celebrated at an early date, andMajor Smith is to be bestman."Ihandedthecuttingback."MajorSmithbestman!"Imurmuredinamazement."Sothat'swhyyoulostyourjob?""Yes"saidSmithybitterly;"NobbyputthatbitinwhenIwasn'tlookin'!"

18.—THEPHOTOGRAPHER

TheWarOffice requestsOfficersCommandingUnits to submitphotographsandfilmssuitableforconversionintolanternslides.—WarOfficeMemorandum.TheOfficerCommandingwishestonotifyN.C.O.'sandmeninpossessionofcameras that all reasonable facilities will be given them for the purpose ofsecuringphotographsportrayingArmylife.—"A"Company'sorders."It appears," explainedPrivateSmith, "that theywant toadvertise theArmywithamagiclantern.They'vegotabittiredofshowin'apictureofasoldierinmarchin'order,an'callin'it'theadvantagesoftheArmy.'"Wewas talkin'about it theothernightdown in the '0le in theWall,mean'NobbyClarkan'anewchapof'A'—Iforgethisrightnamefortheminute,butwecall'imSmiley—an'SpudMurphy,an''AppyJohnson."'Wot'stheidea,Nobby?'sezSpud,who'sbeengettin'onfriendlytermswithmean'Nobbylately;'wotdotheywantourphotosfor?'" 'Idon'tknow,' sezNobby, 'butmean'Smithyaregoin' in for it—ain'twe,Smithy?'"'No,'Isez."'Mean'Smithy'sgotacamera,'sezNobby,takin'nonoticeofwotIsaid,'an'to—morrerwearegoin' roundbarracks to seewhatwe cando in thephotoline.'"IthoughtoldNobbywascoddin',but'ewasn't,forup'ecomesnextmornin'withoneofthemooncertinamachinesthatpullinan'out,anatteno'clockupgoesNobbytotheOrderlyRooman'askstoseetheoldman.

NOBBYVOLUNTEERS"'Well,Clark,'seztheColonel,'whatdoyouwant?'

"'Begpardon,sir,'sezNobby,'butmean'Smithy'sgotacamera,an'we'dliketotakeafewphotosfortheWarOffice,'"TheoldmanwasaspleasedasPunch.'Verygood;verygood,indeed,'sez'e.Sergeant—Major,seethatSmithan'Clarkareexcusedallparadesforaweek,''esez.'Isthatwhatyouwant?'"'Yes,sir,'sezNobby."Somean'Nobbywalkedaboutfortherestoftheweekdoin'nothin,an'theotherchapswasverywild."Weusedtogoan'watch'emonparadean'pretendtotakesnapshotsof'em."Nobbycausedabitofunpleasantnessbysayin'totheAdjutantthat'e'dliketotakeaphotographoftheregimentonparadeinfullmarchin'order." 'Youought toknowbetter,' sezSpudMurphy,veryfierce. 'I'msurprisedatyou,Nobby. There ain't anothermarchin' order parade for amonth, an' 'ereyou'vebeenan'gotordersputinforoneto—morrer.'"Allthechapsintheroomwhowasbusycleanin'theirstrapsan'packintheirvalisessaid'Ear,'ear,'butmean'Nobbysatonabedcotdoin'nothin'." 'You wait till you see yourselves in a magic lantern,' sez Nobby. 'An',besides,''esez,'I'mgoin'totakealotofyouchapsbyyourselvesto—morrow.'"'Free?'sezSpud,eagerly."'Don'tbeamiser,'sezNobby,sternly;'don'tbe,amiser,Spud,Atannerwon'tbreakyou,willit?Itcostsmethat.'"''Owdoyoudoit,Nobby?'sezSmiler.'

HOWITISDONE" 'It's as simple as drinkin', sezNobby, gettin' down 'is camera. I point it atyoU,pushthisbutton,an'you'retookinaminute.'"Well,Nobbykepttheregimentstandinghalfanhouronparadenextmorningwaitin'forthesuntocomeout."Mean'himwasinthecorneroftheparadeground,'im'olding'iscamera,mewaggin'my'eadbackwardanforward,tryin'tolookasifIknewallaboutit,an'thebattalionstandin'stifftoattention.""Bimebythesdjutantsingsout:"''Aveyoutakenit?'"'No,sir,'singsoutNobby."'Well,'urryup,'sezhe;an'Nobbyobeysordersan'pushesthebutton."'Iwanttoseethatpictureto—morrer,'seztheAdjutant.

"'Yessir,'sezNobby."Some'owoldNobbywasabitdepressedallthatday.Aftertea'eseztome:"'Smithy,comeforawalkintown;Iwantto'aveabitofachinwag.'" 'Smithy,' 'e sezwhenwe got out that night, 'do you know anything aboutphotos?'"'No,'Isez."'Nomoredon'tI,''esez,withasortofsigh."'What!'Isez."'No,''esez,'Idon'tknowabloomin'thingaboutit.Iboughtthiscamerafromachapdownthe 'IghStreet. 'Esolditcheap,bein'sligh'lydamaged.It 'adn'tgotoneofitsparts.Iforgetwhich.Any'ow,thechapsaiditdidn'tmatter.'

THEPHOTOSHOP"'Look'ere,Nobby,'Isez,stoppin'inthestreet,'aveyougotthemonkeyboxwithyou?'"'Yes,''esez,'Ineverletitoutofmysight,'an''epullsitoutofhisovercoatpocket."'We'lltakeintothatchapthattakesphotos,an'seewhat'swrongwithit.'"Sowetookitintothephotoshop;an'Nobbytellsthechapallaboutit.Thechaplooksatthecameraforabit,an'mean'Nobbylooksat'imveryanxious.'"'Whatdoyouwantmetodo?'"'Takeoutthephotoswe'vetook,'sezNobby."'You'vetook,Nobby;notme,'Isez."'We'rebothin,Smithy,'sezNobby.""'Thereain'tnophotos,'sezthephotochap."'Nophotos!'sezmean'Nobbytogether,an'Nobbywentpale."'No,'sezthephotochap,'theirain'tnofilms.'"'Hey?'sezNobby."'Nornolensneither,'sezthephotochap."'Doesthatmakeanydifference?'sezNobby."'You'vedoneit!'Isez,an'Itoldthephotochapallabout'owNobbytookthepictureoftheregimentonparade,an'owtheAdjutantsez'ewantedacopyofthephototo—morrow."'Wherewasittook?'sezthephotochap."'Onparade,'Isez.

ASCOTCHREVIVAL" 'I've got a photo of a regiment at' 'ome took on that very parade,' sez thephotochap.'I'lltellyouwhatI'lldowhenIget'ometo—night;I'll!senditontoyou.Youcansayyoutookit,an'it'llbeallright.'"OldNobbybrightensupwonderful."'Isitourregiment?''esez."'No,'sezthephotochap;'butit'ssosmall,youcan'ttellwhatregimentitis.'" 'That'lldo,'sezNobby. 'Senditstraight to theAdjutant.'An'webothwentbacktobaracks'ighlysatisfied."Nextmornin'wewassentfortotheorderlyroom."'Goodmornin'Clark;goodmornin',Smith,'seztheAdjutant,when'esawus.'Nicephotographthatyousentus.'"'Yes,sir,'sezNobby;butIsaidnothin'."'Tookityourself?'seztheAdjutant."'Yes,sir,'sezNobby."'Ah,'seztheAdjutant,veryaffable,'theColonelisveryinterestedinit.'"'Verygladto'earthat,sir,'sezNobby."TheAdjutanttookthe_photofrom'ispocketan''andedittoNobby."Nobby looks at it: so did.Thenwe saluted an'went back to the barrack—room."Nobbydidn'tspeakforalongtime.When'edid,'esaidsomethingaboutthephotochap,an'then——"'WasthereanythingIsaidtothephotochaplastnightthat'dmake'imthinkwewas'Ighlanders,Smithy?'"

19.—THEBOOKMAKER

"THERE'S lots of chaps," said Smithy, "who are walkin' about the streetswithout keeperswho ought by rights to be down at themaster tailor's bein'measuredforstraitweskets."ItwasSmithy'sSaturdaytoMondayvacation,whichhehadagreedtospendatmy house. Smithy takes a delight in the discussion of all kinds of gloomysubjects.He revels in thePositivelyDreadfuland iskeenly interested in theIndescribablyGhastly.Wehad spent apleasantSaturdayevening.StartingwithHow itFeels tobe

Hung,wehadmovedbyeasy stages toMurder as aFineArt; thence to thevexedquestion,ShouldExecutionsbePublic?whichIthinkwethreshedoutverythoroughly.WedriftedtoCriminalLunacy,takingashortcutbywayofSuicide,anditwasatthispointthatSmithyexpressedhisdoubtregardingthesanityofthemajorityofhisfellow-creatures."Withsomechapsit'sgels,"philosophizedSmithy;theygetquitebalmyabout'em.Iknowonechap—averygoodcharacter,too,withacoupleofbadges—'whowritespoetrytohisgel."There's a chap!" said Smithy hopelessly, "plays the concertena like—likePaddyrisky,"he illustrateddaringly,"an'youseehimsittin'downnightafternightchewin'hispenlike—anything."There he sits—Cole's his name—thinkin' an' frownin' and writin' an'scratchin'outagain."'Wotrhymeswith"dear"?'heseztoNobbyClark."'Beer,'sezNobbyasquickaslightnin'."'Thatwon'tdo,'sezpoorCole.'Wotrhymeswith"waken"?'"'Eggsan'bacon,'sezNobby."'Thatwon'tdo,either,'sezpooroldCole,andgoesonscribblin'an'scratchin'out.Bimebyhesez:"'Whatrhymeswith"bell"?'"SoNobbytellshim,an'oldColegetsoffended.'I'mwritin'tomygel,'hesez,'an'Ican'tusethatsortoflanguage.'"Sohegoesonwritin'an'arskin'advicean'nottakin'it.Hespendsnightsan'nightswritin'apoemaboutlove,an'whenhisgelgetsit,shethinksoldCole'sbeendrinkin',an'shedon'tnoticethewordscomeinrhymeattheendofthelinestillshe'sreadittwice—an'thenshethinksit'sanaccident."Private Cole was evidently one of Smithy's eligible, for an Institute ofRestraint."Thenthere'sYatesey—Yateseyof'C'—he'sanotherof'em,"resumedSmithyindignantly;"no,Yateseydon'twritepoetry,farfromit.YateseyiswotIcalladangerous lunatic. Idon'tsomuchmindachapwotwritespoetry,orevenachapwot collects stamps an' is always tryin' to swap a blueCape ofGoodHopeforapinkChannelIsland,butYateseyisworse.""Yatesey"isSmithyesquefor"Yates,"Imayremarkinpassing."Yatesey's got a bit of money wot his father sends him from time to time.Someweeks it's a dollar, someweeks it's a couple of shillin's, just how thecokebusinesshappenstobe.

"Yateseywouldn'tbeabadchapifitwasn'tforhissystem."When Nobby Clark is short of money, he lures old Yatesey into the wetcanteenandgetshimtotalkaboutit."'IthinkI'dlikeyoutotalkaboutthatsystemofyourn,Yatesey,'sezNobby—ItellyouNobby'soneoftheartfullestchapsgoin'—'I'vegotanideaI'dliketohaveitexplained,I'vegotalittlebitofmoneyleftmebyanunclewotwentabroad.'"Yatesey'ssystemisasortofmixture.Youbackafirstfavouriteforashillin'an'ifitdon'tcomeorfyoubackasecondfavouritenextdayfortwoshillin's,ifthatdon'tcomeorfyoubackthethirdfavouritethenextdayforfourshillin's,andbythat timeyou'vegotnomoneyleft,soyoucan't losemuchmoneyatit,"explainedSmithylucidly."Nobbycomestomeonedayan'sez:"'I'mgettin'fedupwiththischapan'hisbloomin'system.It'snojoke,Smithy,listenin' for an hour about how Nazzems could beat Pretty Bertie if thedistancewasn'tsofaran'theweightswasdifferent.'"Yatesey,"explainedSmithy,"usedtositdownwithabookofforman'areadyreckoner, an'workouthowmuchmoneyhe'dmake ifheonlyhada startin'capital of a hundred pounds, but he never used to do no bettin' hisself tillNobbypersuadedhim.Somedayshe'd sitdownwithhis littlebooksan'hispintofbeeran'buyapub,an'adogcart,an'marryayoungladyintheHighStreet.Anotherdayhe'dgo round theworldonamotor-car, smokin' shillin'cigars;anotherdayhe'dbuyhisdischargean'thengoan'giveabitofhismindto thesergeant-major,an'driveoutofbarracks inhisowncarriage, throwin'five-poundnotesawayoutofthewinder."Imust say," confessedSmithy, "his system looked all right on paper, but Ifoundoutafterwardsthatwhenitdidn'texactlyworkoutheusedtopretendtohisselfthatthehorseheought'vebackedaccordin' tohissystemwasanotheronealtogether."Well,togetbacktoNobby"'Smithy,'sezhe,lookin'roundtoseeifnobodywaslistenin','Smithy,you'vecomeintoatidybitofmoney.'"'HaveI?'Isez." 'Yes' he sez, 'your grandmother's left you a small fortune,' he sez, with awink."'Goto!'Isez."'Wot'smore,'sezNobby,'you'regoin'tomakeabook.'"'Wotsortofabook?'Isez,puzzled,an'thenNobbytellsme,an'nextmornin'

whenYateseycomesalongan'slipsabitofpaperintomyhandwithacoupleofbobIthankedhimkindly."'Nonsuch,2s.towin,'sezthepaper,soIgaveashillin'toNobbyan'keptoneformyselfan'torethepaperup."Nobbycomesuptomethatnight—"'It'sallright,'hesez,'Nonsuchwasabadninth,'sowespentthetwoshillin's."NextdayYateseygivesmeanotherpaperan'ourshillin's."'Sooner,4s.towin,'sezthepaper,someandNobbydividedthemoney." 'Soonerdidn'twin,'sezNobbythatnight. 'Hestoppedtoscratchhisearan'dead-heatedwiththestarter.'Sowehadaverypleasantevenin'."OldYatesey looked abit tirednextmornin', but he turnedupwith a bit ofpaperan'eightshillin's,an' I shookhandswithhim,an'Nobbycalledhimatruesportsman." 'PrideofDevonshire,8s. towin,'sez thepaper.Somean'Nobbyhadfourshillin'seach."SmithyhelpedhimselftoafillofCraven."ThatnightNobbycomesuplookin'ill.'PrideofDevonshirewon,'hesez,'attentoone,'hesez."An',sureenough,alongcomesoldYatesey,lookin'aspleasedasPunch."'I'lltroubleyouforfourpoundeight,'hesez."'Waitabit,youngfeller,'Isezsternly. 'Saturday'smysettlin'day,'Isez,an'Nobbychipsin:" 'I'm surprised at you, Yatesey, a true sportsman like you, come worryin'Smithyforapaltryfourquid,'hesez, 'it'dserveyourightifSmithywouldn'tbetwithyouagain,'hesez,andYateseybeggedpardonan'hopednooffencewastakenwherenonewasmeant."Mean'Nobbywentdowntowntothinkitout,"continuedSmithy."'Let'sgivehimbackhiseightshillin'san'owehimtherest,'Isez;'tellhimitwasajoke.'"Nobbywas readin' the sportin' in theEveningNews, an' bimebyhegave ayell."'PrideofDevonshire'sdisqualified,'hesez,'forborin'an'crossin','hesez."Sowespenttheeightshillin'sandwentbacktobarrackstobreakthenewstoYatesey."Nextmornin'Yatesey didn't turn upwith his paper some an'Nobbywentdowntoseehim.

" 'No,' sez Yatesey, 'that system wasn't much good—it don't make noallowances for a horse bein' disqualified,' he sez. 'I'm workin' out a newsystemaltogether.'"'Whenyou'vegotitworkedout,'Isez,'let'shearfromyou.'"

20.—BACKTOCIVILLIFEPRIVATESMITHTALKSVERYSERIOUSLY

"It'sonlynacheral," saidSmithy, "that a feller that'sbeendoin'nothin' for alivin' forsevenyearsgits the idea intohis 'ead thatassoonas 'esoutof theArmy'ecangoondoin'nothin'an'livecomfortable."Achapgenerallyenlistsbecause'e'svery'ardup,orthereain'tnoworktobegot.Ifyouunderstandmerightly,achap'spushedintothe,Armybythecrowdofout-of-worksbehindhim,an'bythe time 'e'sgothisbreath, 'an' isfullupwithArmyrations,an'finds'e'sgotplentyofelbowroom,'ebeginstoforgetall about thecrowdoutside, an'whenhis sevenyears' service isnearly in 'ebeginstofancythat'ereallyenlistedfortheloveofthething,an'notbecause'ewasfeelin'peckish."ThentheColonelsendsfor'im."'Ah,Thompson,'seztheColonel,'eartily,'Iunderstandyou'regoin'awayonthereserve?'"'Yes,sir,'sezThompson."'Doyouthinkthat'swise?'seztheColonel."Ho,yes,'sezthecleverchap,oockily."'It'svery'ardincivilianlifejustnow,'seztheColonel.'Whatareyougoin'todoforalivin'?'"'Anything,'sezthecleverChap,prompt." 'Humph!' sez theColonel; 'thatmeans "nothing"—are you sure youwon'tsignonforanotherfiveyears?'"'I'llwatchit,'sezthecleverchap.

BACKTOCIVILLIFE"Sohegoesawayinapairofloudchecktrousisan'aTrilby'at,an'atuppennycigar,toshow'isindependence."'EgitsuptoLondon,goes'ometoseehispeople,'asacoupleofdrinks,goestoamusic-'all,an'spendsasovereignasfreeasyouplease.Foraweek'e'sas'appyasaking.Getsupwhattime'elikes,an'don'tshaveunless'ewantsto.

" 'E's got no sergeants an' corporals to bully 'im, no officers to salute, nofatigues,an'nodrills,an'when'egoesoutintown'eneedn'tlookcleanunless'efeelsinclined."After aweekof riotous livin',most of 'ismoneybein' spent, 'e popsoff tolookforworkin'isloudchecktrousiswiththebeerstains,an' 'isTrilby'atabitoutofshape."'Wantajob,doyou?'seztheohapwhere'egoesto.'Whatcanyoudo?'"'Anything,'sezthecleverchap."'Outside!'sezthechapattheworks.'Wedon'twant"anything"fellershere.'"'What'syourlastjob?'sezanotherfeller'eappliesto."'Army,'sezthecleverchap,producin''isdischarge."'Whatcanyoudo?'seztheforeman."Thecleverchap'slearntalesson,so'e'sabitcautious."'Messenger,''esez."'We'vegotboysformessengers,seztheforeman."'Timekeeper,'sezthecleverchap."'We'vegotaclockforthat.'"'Caretaker,'sezthecleverchap."'Wedon'twantnosleepin'partners,'seztheforeman."'Well,'sezthecleverchap,desperate,'hallporter.'"'Weain'tgotahall,'seztheforeman."What someof these clever josserswant," saidSmithy, scornfully, "is a jobwherethereain'tanyworktodo—jobsyoucanlaydownan'watch;oldmen'sjobs, boys' jobs, jobs that don't blister a chap's 'ands, an' that's why all thebloomin'Soldiers' 'ElpAssociationsintheworldwon'tdoanygood,becausethereain'tenoughofthemjobstogoround.

FREEDOM"TheotherdaySpudMurphygaveitoutthatassoonashissevenyearswasinhewasgoingtoleave.Hewas"talkin'tomean'Nobbyaboutit."'Nomorebloomin'soldierin'forme,thankyou,'sezSpud."'Don'tthankme,'sezNobby."'I'mgoin'tobeafreeman.'sezSpud,'likeIwasbeforeIenlisted.'"'Ah!'sezNobby,lookin'uptotheskywithasmile." 'Whenyouchapsarebein'turnedoutofbedatsixinthemornin'Ishallbe

gettin'myeyedown,nicean'snug.'"'Ah!'sezNobby."'Nomorechurchparades,nomorekitinspections,nomorebloomin'guards,'sezSpud." 'No,'sezNobby,gettingup—wewaseittin'ohthegrassinthecricketfield—'No,'sezNobby,sadly.'You'llbeafreeman,freetogetyourlivin'orstarve.Therewon'tbenokitinspection,'cosyou'll'avenokittoshow,nornoguardseither,becos'nobodywould trustyou toguarda threepenny-bit.Pore feller,'sezNobby,shakinghis'eadan'lookin'atSpud,'poreoldSpud.'"Spud ain't goin' away," Smithywent on to explain, "becauseNobby put itaboutinbarracksthat'ewasonlyleavin'thearmybecausethedoctorwouldn'tpasshimforanextensionofservice,an'justtoshowNobbywasaliarSpudwentan'tookonforanotherfiveyears."Ifyouunderstand,"saidSmithyearnestly,"itain'tthechap'sfaultthat'ecan'tgeta jobwhen 'e leaves theservice, it's theArmy's.Achap that 'as to leavecivillifebecause'eain'tgotatradeinhis'andscan'texpecttogobacktocivillifean'findajobsittin'uponits'ind-legsan'beggin'"

"WHATCANYOUDO?""TheArmy don't teach 'im nothin'," continued Smithy, seriously, "except toturnaboutbynumbers,an'nottotalkbacktohissuperiors,anthat'snotmuchuseforcivillife."When'istime'sup'egoesoutan'asksCivilLifetofindhimwork."'Whatcanyoudo?'sezCivilLife." 'Stand erect, with me feet at at an angle of forty-five degrees, 'ead up,shoulders back, an'me 'ands 'ung looselybyme side, thumbs in rear of theseamsofmetrousis,'seztheArmy." 'Very sorry,' sezCivilLife, butwe 'aven't got a job like that.Can you doanythingelse?'"'Yes,'seztheArmy,'Icanchallengeallpersonsapproachin'mypostbetweentattooan'reveille,turnouttheguardtogeneralsan'allarmedparties,an'takechargeofallGovernmentpropertyinviewofmepost,'seztheArmy."'Canyoufixa'lectricbell?'sezCivilLife."'No,'seztheArmy."'Canyoudriveatractionengine?'sezCivilLife."'No,'seztheArmy." 'Canyoumakeabox,or seta lineof type,ordrawaplan,ormakeoutaspecification,ordoanythingthatthecrowdroundthedockscan'tdo?'

"'No.'seztheArmy." 'Well,'sezCivilLife,regretful, 'you'dbetterjointhemobatthedocks—an'you'llfindtheSalvationArmyshelterdownthesecondturnin'ontheright.'"Seven years!" said; Smithy, reflectively, "an' about two years of that sparetime.A chap could learn anything in seven years—if therewas anybody toteach'im."'Teachmeatrade,'seztheArmy."'Goodgracious!'seztheCountry,'orrified.'Icouldn'tthinkofsuchathing—don'tIclotheyou,an'feedyou,an'payyou?'" 'Yes,'seztheArmy;but teachmesomething—ifit'sonlymakin'mats, likeyou do in prison, or carpentering, like you do inwork'ouses an' reformat'ryschools.'" 'But,'seztheCountry,veryagitated, 'ifI teachyouthisyou'llbecompetin'withthetaxpayer.'"'That'sallright,'seztheArmy,'Iwanttobeataxpayermyself.'"

21.—BROTHERS

IMYSELFwould be the lastman in theworld to suspect Nobby Clark ofjustifying or attempting to justify the questionable conduct of his father.Hehad a clear appreciation both of his parent's genius and shortcomings, andvalued both at their worth. That is how I read his attitude ofmind. I thinkPrivate Clark is possessed of a large charity of mind. I imagine that he isgenerous and lenient in some degrees when he finds himself reviewing hisfather'sacts,butif,inhisfilialrespect,hecannotcondemn,thereisacertainironyinhistonewhenhetellsthesestorieswhichmakesitquiteapparentthathedoesnotcondone."Me father was highly respected by his family," explained Nobby once."UncleJim,UncleGeorge,an'UncleAlfcouldn'tsayenoughaboutfatheran'thewayhewaslookeduptobyallhisrelations."Uncle Alf wouldn't have anybody but father to bail him out, an' the wayUncleJim'sfamilyusedtocomeandlivewithuswhenUncleJimwasdoin'fourmonthsforjumpin'onapoliceman,wasverytouchin'."Then in the summer-time,when therewas no unemployedwork going on,UncleGeorgeused tocomean'payusavisit,an'onceI rememberall threeuncleswiththeirfamiliescameatonce."'You'reatruebrother,'sezUncleGeorge;'an'ifyoucanevermakeabitout

ofmeorAlforJimyou'refreetodoso.'"'Hear,hear,'sezmeotheruncles."Father kept the advice in his mind, an' the first time there was a rewardoffered forUncle Jim ('believed to be concernedwith others in breakin' an'enterin')fathersteppedinan'tooktheprize." 'Itain'tmuchthatIcandotogetbackthemoneythey'vecostme,'sezmefather;'butwhatIcandoIwilldowithacheerfulheart.'"FatherwenttoseeUncleJiminWormwoodScrubs."'Ididn'tthinkyou'dputmeawayforsixmonths.'sezUncleJim."'Ididn'tthinkIwouldmyself,'sezfather.Ithoughtyou'dgettwoyears.'"Relationsarebestapart,especiallypoorrelations,ifyoudon'thappentobesopoorasthem,an'I'veneverknown,sofarasthearmygoes,anybrotherswholivedtogetherinharmonylongerthanfourmonths."Itstandstoreason,inaway,thatbrothersgetonbadly.Theyknoweachothertoowell,an'halfthesecretofkeepin'friendswithanotherfellerisnottoknowanythin'abouthim,exceptthesidehecarestoshow."Brothers are fairly common in the army, because soldierin' runs in somefamilieslikemeasles,an'crookednoses,butthetwostrangestbrothersIeverknow'dwastheJoneses—B.Jonesan'H.Jones.Itwasalongtimebeforeweknewtheywasbrothers,becauseoneof'emwasin'B'Companyan'theotherin'H'—that'showtheygottheirinitials."ThefirsttimeIeverthoughttheywasbrotherswaswhenH.JonescameintoB.Jones'srooman'borrowedhisblackin'brusheswithoutaskin'.Thatwasapretty sure sign they was related. They never walked out in town together,neverdranktogether,an'onetookasmuchnoticeoftheotherasifhe'dbeenaflyonthewall."Iseztooneof'em—to'B.'—"'You'reafunnysortoffeller,'sezI,'nottohaveanythin'todowithyourownbrother—itdon'tseemnatural.'" 'Whatdon'tseemnatural tome,'hesezpolitely. 'is foryoutoseeanybodyelse'sbusinessgoin'onwithoutwantin'tostickyourlonguglynosein!'"'B.Jones,'Isezsternly.'I'mactin'forthebest;asmantoman,forthesakeofpeacean'harmony,an'fortwopinsI'dswipetheheadoffyou.'"Ileft'emaloneafterthat,butmean'theotherchapsusedtowonderwhatitwasthat'd,sotospeak,comebetweentwobrotherlyhearts." 'I shouldn't be surprised,' sezSpudMurphy, 'if one of 'emhasn't done theotheroutofthefamilyproperty;I'vereadcaseslikeitinbooks.'

"Spudalwayswasabitromantic,an'thatwasthesortofbookheread." 'PerhapsB.'s the real heir to the property, an'H. is a changeling,' he sez,'perhapsthewickedearldone'embothout—'" 'Tobecontinued inournext,' sezSmithy,verynasty, 'perhaps they'reonlyordinarybrotherswhoarefedupwithoneanother, justasmean'Nobbyarefedupwithyou.'"Itwasn'tlongafterthisthatMr.Kroojerbeganpilin'hisburjersontheborder,an' theAnchesterRegiment, bein'—though I say it as shouldn't—one of thebestregimentsinthearmy,wassentout."ItwastoughworkinSouthAfrica,thetoughestworkthatmostsoldiershavedone,an'somehowtheAnchestersalwaysgotinthehotan'hungryplaces."Wehadn'tbeeninthecountrythreemonthsbeforewehadacasualtylistaslong as the RowleyMile, an' whatwith the closin' up of the ranks, an' thereconstructionofcompanies,B.Jonesan'H.Jonesgotintothesamecompany."Considerin'wewas fightin' everyday, an' livin' onhalf rationsmostof thetime, you'd have thought that these two chaps would have shown a morecompanionable spirit, but not they. Somehow war, an' the dangers of war,madenodifference.Theywasonnoddin'terms,borreredlittlethingsfromoneanother,buteachwenthisownway."Ifthey'dbeenpeopleinbooksthey'dbeenfallin'ononeanother'snecksaftereveryfight,buttheywasjustordinaryfolksan'didnothin.'"This went on all through the war, an' toward the end our battalion wasorderedouttomarchwithaconvoythroughtheWesternTransvaal."Ourjobwastoguardit,an'itneededabitofguardin'."We'dhardlygottenmilesoutofKlerksdorpwhenDelaReycomedownonus,an'ittookusfourhourstofighthiscommandooff.NextdayDeWet,whowasinthatneighbourhood,sawusan'camealongtopickusup.Butitwasourearly closin' day, an'DeWetwent away sick an' sorry. Thenwhenwewashalf-wayonour journey, three commandoes combined to settleus forgood,an'atdawnonemornin'beganafightwhichlastedtillsunset.Weheldalittlehilltotherightoftheconvoy,an'thispositionborethewholeoftheattack."Itwastheonlytimedurin'thewarthatIeversawtheBoerschargeaposition,an'twicethatdaywehadtogivewaybeforetheirattacks.Whennightcame,oneoutofeveryfourmenhadbeenhit."We posted strong guards that night expectin' an attack, an' we got all weexpected."Firin'beganbeforesun-up.SomeoftheBoerstookupapositiononaridgewheretheycouldshootfromgoodcover,an' twocompanieswereorderedto

cleartheridge.Aan'Bcompanieswentan'didit.Wetookthepositionwiththebayonet,an'thenfoundthatitwasn'tworthholdin'."Wegottheordertoretireonourmainpost,an'startedtomarchaway.Half-waydowntheslopelayawoundedBoer.Hewasn'tarealBoer,bein'ahalf-breednigger,butaswepassedheraisedhimselfupan'shouted'Water!'"'FalloutJones,'seztheofficer,an'givethatmanadrink.'"What happened exactly I don't know.We went marchin' on, leavin' Jonesbehind,an'suddenlyIheard thecrackofarifle,an' lookedround.Thehalf-breedwasrunnin'likemadtowardtheBoerlines,arifleinhishand,an'poorB.Joneslayveryquietonthehillside."'Shootthatman!'shoutstheofficer,an'adozenmendroppedontheirkneesan' fired at the flyin'murderer, but he dropped over the crest of the rise asquickasaflash."Wedoubledbackan'carriedthepoorchapintocamp,butitwasallupwithhim,wecould see thatmuch.Hewas shot through thechest, an'wecarriedhimcarefullytotherear."Soonafterthis,theBoersreturnedtotheattack,an'wewassobusilyengagedwonderin'whenwe'dbewoundedourselvesthatwehadnotimetothinkofB.Jones."Atoneo'clockthatafternoontheBoerfirin'wentsuddenlyquiet,an'halfanhour laterweheard a farawaypom-pomcome into action, an' knewa reliefforcewasonitsway."Methuenitwas,withhiscolumn,an'mostofuswereverygladtoseehim.Wehadtimenowtocountheads,an'seewhowasupan'whowasdown."That,"saidNobbysadly,"isalwaystheworsepartofwar.It'sthepartwhereacorporalan'twelvemengooffwithspades,an'anotherpartysewsmenupinblankets—men you've spoke to that mornin'; men you've larked with, an'drankwith."Iwasfixin'upmekitan'givin'merifleaclean,whenH.Jonesstrolledup."Henoddedtomean'Smithy."'Ihearmeyoungbrother'sdown,'hesez,quiet."Yes,H.,'Isez."'Howdidithappen?'sezH.Jones.SoItoldhim."'Whatlikewasthisnigger?'heaskedafterIfinished."AswellasIcouldIdescribedhim.Hewaseasytodescribe,becausehehadabigyellerfaceanacropofwoollyhair."'Comealong,'hesez,afterabit,'an'seemebrother—he'sapalofyours,ain't

he?'"WefoundpoorB.lyin'ontheground,ontheshadysideofanox-wagon.Thedoctorwasthere,an'whenhesawH.hetookhimaside." 'I suppose you know your brother is dyin'?' he sez, an' H. nodded, thenturnedtohisbrother."'Howgoesit,Jack?'hesezgentle,an'poorB.grinned."'Soso,'hesezweakly,'menumber'sup.'"'Sotheywastellin'me,'sezH.'Well,we'veallgottogothroughitsoonerorlater.'"Thedyin'mannodded,an'foralittlewhileneitherof'emspoke."'Gotanymessagetomother?'sezH.,an'thepoorchaponthegroundnoddedagain."'Givehermykindregards,'hesez.'Takecareofyourself,Fred.'"Itseemedstrangetome,"saidNobby,thoughtfully,"thatthesetwobrothers,oneofthemdyin',shouldtalksocalmonewiththeother,an'Ineverrealizedtillthenhowlittleafellerlikemeknowsaboutthebigthingsoflife,an'death."PooroldB.diedanhourlater,an'hisbrotherwaswithhimtothelast.Afteritwasalloverhecametome."'Nobby,'hesez,'whichwaydidtheBoersgo?'"AsithappenedI'dheardoneofMethuen'sstaffofficersdescribin'thelineofmarchtheBoersweretakin',toIwasabletotellhim."'Thanks,'hesez.Thatnighthedeserted."WhathappenedafterwardsIheardfromaBoerprisonerwhotoldoneofoursergeants."H. Jones left thecampsoonaftermidnight, an'dodgin' the sentries, an' theoutposts, he made his way in the direction of the Boers. For two days hetramped,sleepin'atnightontheopenveldtan'withnothin'toeatbutabiscuithetookawaywithhim."HewasfoundbyaBoerpatrol,an'as luckwouldhave it,was taken to theverycommandothatheldtheridge."Byallaccounts,thechapinchargewasayounglawyerwho'dbeeneducatedinEnglandan'spokeEnglishbetterthanH.Jonesevercouldhopetospeakit."'Hullo!'hesez,whenH.wasmarchedbeforehim,'an'thatthedevildoyouwant?'"'I'mlookin'forthefellerthatkilledmeyoungbrother,'saysH."Theyoungcommandantshookhis'headwithalittlesmile.

" 'I'm afraid,' he sez very gently, 'there aremany people in this unfortunatecountrywhoarelookin'forthemanwhokilledtheirbrothers.'"'Mybrotherwasmurdered,'saysH.doggedly,an'toldthetale."'Idon'tbelieveanyofmemenwouldhavedonesuchathing,'hesez.'Whatsortofamanwasit?'"SoH.describedhim,an'theyounglawyerfrowned." 'BringVanHuishere,' he sez to aBoer, an'byan'by themanhe sent forcame—ahalf-bredDutchmanwithadashofHottentotinhim." 'Oh,VanHuis,' sez the Commandant careless, 'they tellme you killed anEnglishsoldieratValtspruittheotherday?'"Themangrinned."'Ja,'hesez'Ishothimdead.'" 'Tell me how you did it,' sez the Commandant, pickin' his teeth with asplinterofwood."'Hear,'sezthehalf-breed,'Icalledhimtobringmewater,thenIshothim.'"TheCommandantnodded."'Thatwasveryclever,'hesez, 'socleverthatIamgoin'tohangyoutothattree,an'thissoldiershallbeyourexecutioner.'"H.JonescamebackwithanescortofBoers,an'wasplacedunderarrest,untiltheC.O.readtheletterthattheBoerCommandantsent,thenhewasreleased."'WhatIcan'tunderstand,'sezSmithytomeafterwards,is,howisitthatthesetwochaps,whonevertookanynoticeofoneanother—'"ButIstoppedoldSmithybecauseIknewwhathewasgoingtosay."Friendsarefriends,'Isez,'an'brothersarebrothers—,'thenIstoppedtoo,forwhatmorecanyousaythanthat?"

22.—THEGHOSTOFHEILBRONKOPJE

NOBBYCLARK,byallshowing,isamanofgreathumanity.IhaveknownhimtodothingsthatwouldmakehimveryangrydidbeknowIknew.Ihaveseenhim,onacertainmarch—whichlastedsomesixweeks,andwasthemost fatuous, futile, andwicked operation of thewhole war—share hisscantyrationswithamanhehated.Ihaveseenhimbysickbedsastenderasawoman. It is said that in a certain fight on theVaal River,where the grasscaught fire, and the wounded lay helplessly sizzling in the flames, he and

PrivateSmithwentagainandagain into thisperfecthellof torment tocarrytheirwoundedfellowstosafety.Itissaid,too,and,Idonotdoubt,withtruth,thattheyliedtheirwayoutofaVictoria Cross, stoutly affirming that they took no part in the rescue, andpersisting in the statement that those who thought they saw them weresufferingfromhallucinations,or,asNobbyputitcoarsely,weredrunk.Knowing that deep down in the bottom of his heart Nobby Clark is asentimentalist, and that away back in the base of his brain he is a shrewd,common-sense individual, thestoryof theghostof theHussarofficer leavesmeinanunsatisfactoryconditionofdoubt.IsitNobby'sheartorNobby'sheadthatdirectstherecital?Thefacts,suchashegivesme,Ioffertotheworldingeneral,andthePsychicalResearchSocietyinparticular."Me father," said Private Clark, by way of introduction, "was a feller whobelievedinghosts.WeusedtohaveafamilyghostwhenwelivedatClark'sHall,Bermondsey,butitwasseizedforrent,alongwithourothervaluables."Itusedtowalkthepicture-galleryintheeastwing,"saidNobby,withafar-away look in his eye, an' fatherwas very proud of it. Some said itwas theghostofSirGuydeClark,whowasexecutedatTowerHill;somesaiditwastheghostofBillClark,whowasexecutedatNewgate;somesaiditwasrats,an'Iexpectoneofthethreeideaswasright."Nobodyever saw itbut father,because itwasoneof themsnobbishghoststhatneverappearedtocommonpeople."FatherusedtoseeitonChristmasnight,an'thatwasalwaysasignformothertosendforthedoctor."Hullo,Clark,'sezthedoctor,'beenseein'thatghostofyours?'"'Yes,sir,'sezfather."'Hum!'sezthedoctor,feelin'hispulse,'diduseeanythin'else?'"'Yes,sir,'sezfather.'Isawalotofpinkbeetlesan'amousewithanelephant'shead.'"Thenthedoctorwouldwritehisprescription,an'fatherwouldbeateetotallerformonthsan'months."IfIsaidourfamilyghostwaspinchedforrent,I'mbein'whatyoumightcallexaggeracious.Whathappenedwasthatfathergotanexecutioninforrent,an'himan'thebroker'smangotintoafriendlyargumentastohowmuchwhiskyamancandrinkwithoutdyin'.Fatherwentdowntothegrocer'san'swappedtwocoal tickets for twobottles, an' thebroker'smanobligingly satdown toprovehiswords....Itseemsthathesawourghost,an'theghostmusthavetookalikin'tohim,forthebroker'smanwouldn'ttalkaboutanythingbutthatghost

an'theotheranimalshesawfordaysan'daysafter.Itwasbadbusinessforthebroker'sman,becausewhilsthewasinhistrancefatheran'mothergotallthefurnitureoutofthehousean'disappeared."I never tookmuch stock of ghostsmeself, an' didn't believe in 'em till theSouthAfricanWar." Nobbywas silent for a little while, and his face grewsuddenlyseriousandoldlooking."IfyouthinkwhatI'mgoin'totellyouisalie,youneedn'tbefrightenedtotellme,"hesaid."Idon'tunderstandtherightsofitmeself,an'don'texpectIevershall."Whenwewas in SouthAfrica, durin' the second half of thewar,wewentdowntoaplacecalledHeilbronintheO.R.C."Therehadbeenfightin'there,buttheonlyfightwesawwasbetweenDarkieWilliams an' Tom Sparrer of 'G' for the championship of the Anchesters,Darkiewinnin' in two roundsowin' tohishavin' filledhisboxin'glovewithsand."ButDeWetwasintheneighbourhood,browsin'round,an'thoughwenevergotashotathim,therewasenoughexcitementinthepossibilityofhisgetting'a shot at us that we were kept fairly busy. There was another regiment atHeilbronatthetime—theWarwicksIthinkitwas,orthe '8thofKings'—an'they'dbeentherelongbeforewewere."InastationlikeHeilbronallsortsan'kindsofdutyhadtobedone;therewereguards, pickets an' outlyin' pickets, flyin' sentries an' patrols, an' if a chapwasn'tonone,hewasonanother,butIdideveryoneof'embeforeitcametomedutytodoflyin'sentry.Mebeatwastwomileslong,fromthebaseguardto'HussarsKopje.'"Itwascalled'HussarsKopje'becauseinoneoftheearlyfightsofthewartheHussarstookthislittlehillafterafightinwhichtheylostanofficer."Flyin'sentryisn'tsuchabadjob,partlybecauseafellerwasonhisown.Hecouldhaveasmoke,an' so longashecovered theground,an'kepthiseyesopen,hewasdoin'allthatwasexpectedofhim."Itwasa lonelywalkoveradesertedbitofcountry,but thenight Iwentonflyin'sentrydutytherewasafullmoon."Threemen an' a corporal, thatwas the flyin' guard, an'we took over dutyfromtheotherregiment."Justbeforetheoldguardmarchedoff,oneofthefellowssez:—"'Don'tanyofyoufellersgoup"HussarsKop."'"'Forwhy?'Isez."'Becauseoftheghost,'sezthefeller,it'llprobablyscareyouchaps,bein'new

tothegame.'"'Ifitdon'tscareawoolly-headedWarwickshirecow-chaser,'Isezpolitely,itwon'tscareafelleroftheDashin'Anchesters.'"'You'lldashallright,'seztheWarwick,whenthatghostcomesafteryou.'"SoonafterthistheWarwicksmarchedoff."'Don'tgoupthatkopje—keeptotheroad,'singsouttheWarwickasheleft,an' havin' shouted a few insultin' remarks after him,we settled down to theguard."Iwas first relief,an'wentstraightoutonme two-milewalk. Ihadmerifleloadedan'slung,withthesafetycatchdown,an'withmehandsinmeovercoatpockets,thenightbein'rathercold,Iloafedalong."Half-way to the kopje, I came up to a mounted patrol of the ImperialYeomanry,an'after I'dgivenhimmeopinionofyeomen ingeneral,an'he'dbeenverycandidaboutfoot-sloggers,wepartedbadfriends."'Lookoutfortheghost,'hesez."'Mindyoudon'tfalloffthathorse,'Isez."I'dgonealittlewaywhenIheardhimcomecanterin'afterme."'Hi,Tommy,'hecalled,an'Iturnedround."'NotsomuchoftheTommy,'Isez,'orI'llstickapininyourgallantcharger!'" 'Nooffence,'seztheyeoman,an'thenwentontotellmeabouttheghost.Ihadn'ttookmuchnoticeoftheyarntillthen,an'Igotabitinterested."'I'veneverseenit,'seztheyeoman,'butoneofoursergeantsdid.Let'sgoupthekopjetogetheran'seewhatit'slike.'"'Catchmeclimbin'ahill,'Isez,'whenIcanwalkonthenicelevelroad.'"'You'reafraid,'hesez."'Iam,'Isez.'I'mafraidoftirin'mefeet.'"Wecontinueddiscussin'themattertillwecameuptothehill,an'allthetimeIwasgettin'morean'morecurious.Whenheputhishorseatthekopje,Isez:—"'Allright,I'llcomeupwithyou—Iain'tseenaghostforyears.'"ItwasakopjeaslikeastwopinsanyotherkopjeI'veseen."TherewerethousandssimilartoitinSouthAfrica.Agentlerisecoveredwithbouldersan'stuntedbush,withbigstonesunderfoottomakethegoin'worse."Itwas,asI'vetoldyou,abright,moonlightnight,aclearskyan'notabreathofwind stirrin', an' aswe got farther an' farther up the side of the hill, the

countrysortofunrolleditselfbeneath.Overtothenorth,an'seemin'lyunderourfeet,wasthelightsofHeilbron.Yoncouldhearsentrieschallengin'inthetown,an'eventhetrampoftheirfeetastheymarchedupan'down."Iwaswarm enough by the time I reached the top, an'me an' the yeomanstoppedan'lookedround."'Where'syourghost?'Isez."I'd hardly got thewords out ofmemouthwhen I had a queer sensation. Ididn't hear anythin', or see anythin', but I knew that there was somebodybehindme,an'Ispunround,slippin'meriflefrommeshoulder."An'thenIsaw."Comin'upthehill,thesamewaywehadcome,wasanofficer.Hewasinfullkit,withhishelmettiltedoverhiseyes,an'hewaswalkin'slowly."Me heart was in me mouth at first, but when I saw it was an officer Irecovered." 'Visitin' rounds,' I sez to the yeoman; but the yeoman said nothin', an' hishorsestartedsnortin'an'rearin'."Theofficerwas comin' very slowly,withhisheadbentdownas thoughhewaslookin'forsomethin'ontheground.Nowan'againhe'dstop,an'lookleftan'right,butalwaysontheground."'What'shelost?'Isezinalowvoice."He didn't seem to notice us, though we stood out clear enough in themoonlight,an'Ibroughtmyrifletotheport."'Halt!Whocomesthere?'Isez,buthetooknonotice."Neareran'nearerhecame,hiseyesbentontheground,an'Ichallengedagain"'Halt!Whocomesthere?'"Thenhelookedup,an'IsawthatIwastalkin'toadeadman!"Itwasthefaceofamanwhowasdead:agreyfacewithalittleredmarkjustabovehisrighteye."I staggered back; then, as the yeoman put spurs to his horse, an' wentclatterin' an' blunderin' down the other side of the hill, I caught hold of hisstirrup-leatheran'runwithhim...."TheotherfellersoftheguardsaidI'dbeenmoonstruck,an'thecorporaloftheguardsmeltmebreath,butnoneof'emtookthetroubletogoupthekopjeandinvestigate."Nextmornin',whentheguardwasrelieved,Iwassentfortoorderlyroom."'Iunderstandyousawaghost,Clark?'seztheColonel.

"'Yes,sir,'Isez,an'told'imallaboutit."Now the rum thing was that the Colonel didn't laugh. He listened veryquietly,noddin'hishead,an'sayin'nothin.WhenIfinishedhesez:—"'Thisisalltrue,youhavebeentellin'me?'"'Yes,sir,'Isez,'I'mwillin'totakemeoath.'"Hesaidnomore,an'Iwentbacktometent."The fellersdidn't half roastme.EvenSmithycalledmea liar, an' 'Nobby'sghost'wasthetalkofthecampforweeks."Afterthewarwasover,wewasorderedhome."I forget the name of the ship we came home on, but I think it was the'DraytonGrange.'Webroughthomealotof'details,'Engineers,ArmyServiceCorps,an'twosquadronsofthe22ndHussars."Afterwe'dallsettleddownan'gottoknowoneanother,weusedtohavelittlebow-wowsonthefo'c'slehead,an'spentalotoftimetellin'oneanotherwhatgallantfellerswe'dbeen."TherewasaHussarchapnamedPaul."'ThemostcuriousthingI'veeverseen,'hesezoneafternoon,whenwewereallgassin','wasthetakingofHussarKop—anyofyouchapsknowit,it'snearHeilbron?'"Therewasabitofalaughwhenhesaidthis,an'thechapsalllookedatme."'Wehadayoungofficer,'seztheHussar,'LieutenantEnden,hisnamewas—aregularboy.Hewasengagedtoayounglady inCanterbury,an' I'veneverseena feller somuch in love inme life.Used tocarryherpicture ina littlegold locket round his neck. I've seen him, when he thought nobody waslookin',takeitout,an'haveadekko." 'Well,about this fight Iwasspeakin'of.TheBoersheld thekopje,an' twosquadronsofOurswassenttodislodge'em.Therewasn'tsuchanumberoftheenemyonthekopthatwecouldn'ttackle'em." 'Wegallopeduptothefootof thehillan'dismountedunder thecoverofalittleridge,an'thenwebegantogoup,takin'coverasbestwecould." 'LieutenantEndenwas leadin' us, crouchin' behind such rocks ashe couldfind,an'dodgin'frombouldertoboulder."'SuddenlyIseehimstandupan'clasphishandtohisbreast.Ithoughtatfirsthewasshot,butashebeganlookin'around,leftan'rightsearchin'theground,Iknewhe'dlostsomethin'—an'guesseditwasthelocket."'Hestoodupwiththebulletswhistlin'roundhim,hiseyestravellin'overtheground—an'thenhecollapsed!

"'Shotstonedead,hewas...."'Weburiedhimatthefootofthehill...an'weneverfoundthelocket.'"Nobbystoppedhereandblewhisnosevigorously."Therearetimes,"hesaid,"whenIthinkofHeilbron,an'thekopjeoutsidethetown,an'agrey-facedyoungofficer,searchin',searchin',searchin'foreveran'everforthatlockethelost.An'whenIthinkofhimIwanttocry."

23.—SACRIFICE

ACCORDINGtoaman'senvironmentssohislifeis,sohistragediesare,andhisendwillbe.Tobemauledbyalionisanextraordinaryandpainfulexperiencethatcomestoveryfewofus.Yetitisthecommonlotofthemenagerieattendant.Sowiththesoldier,whetherlivinghereinpeacefulEnglandorgoingabouthisdutyinBombay,Karachi,orsomelikeplace,hislife,shapedbyenvironment,isfullofthatincidentwhichmakesfortragedy.Thereareconditionsoflifesocolourless,soeven,thattheslightestdeviationfromthesmoothandnormalflowofexistencestandsoutasalandmarktobelookedbackuponanddiscussedforascoreofyears.The sedate Government office, with its days made up of returns, dockets,referencesandcross-references,remembersvividlythatremarkabledayin'83when young Swink upset the red ink over the PublicWorks ledger—Swinkhimself,nowastoutveteranofforty-four,willreconstructthesceneforyou.At the vicarage at Bascombe-cum-Marsh, how often do they talk of thatmemorable Sunday when the dear Bishop drank a wine-glassful of vinegarundertheimpressionthatitwasChâteauLafayette?In a thousand peaceful homes, the extraordinary happening that is retailedthrough the ages is very small potatoes, indeed, andwellmay theirworthyoccupants shake their heads doubtingly when I talk of the abnormalities ofarmylife.Fordeathinterribleguiseisoncallingtermswiththeregiment.Hecomes,not in consciousmajesty, asonewhoknows thatpanicwill grip theheartofallwhoobservehim,butapologetically,ratherlikeamanslighted.Whenwe,inthearmy,withstatelymarchandbowedhead,followtheladengun-carriage to the littlemilitary cemetery, andcomebackmerrily,with thebandplayingunseemly tunes,youcallus"callous,"andarea littleshocked,buttheexplanationisthis:weareteachingtheyoungrecruitsthatthisgrislymonsterisnotsoterribleafellow;notonetobeshiveredoverorshudderedat,butonetobetreatedwithacertainamountofgood-naturedcontempt.

"WhenwewasstationedinEngland,"saidSmithy,apropos,"an'whenwewasonmanoeuvres,wepitchedacamponeSaturdayneara littlevillage,an' theColonelgotthelocalparsontocomealongan'chewthemoponSunday.Hewasaniceyoungfeller,buthe'dneverseenrealsoldersbefore,an'itworriedhim.Byallaccountshesatuphalfthenightmakin'uphissermon,an'thenhecomealongan'preachedaboutwhatfinesoldierstheancientIsraeliteswas,an'howweought tobe like 'em.An'hesez thatwhenwewaskilled,an' ifwehappenedtohavetimetothinkthematterover,weshouldrealizethatitwasallforagoodcause,an'takeitingoodpart."Whenthesermonwasover,an'wewasdismissed,hewalkedroundthecamptalkin'tothemen.Ofcourse,everybodywaspolite.Itwas'yessir,'an''no,sir,'an'Nobby,who'soneofthebest,evenwentsofarastopromisetocallroundat the church that night. But what was surprisin' about this parson was hewouldtalkaboutdyin',an'accordin'tohim,achapoughttouseallhissparetimetositdownquietlybyhisselfan'say,'Well,here'sanotherdaynearerthegrave.'Itwasacomicidea,butitdidn'tcatchon."Now,there's lotsoffellersintheworldwhothinklikehim,thattobegoodyou've got to have a dial as long as awetweek, an' that the surest sign ofbadnessisgladness."It's a wrong idea, an' the proof is this that the best man that ever wore auniformwasthehappiest—andthatmanwasFatherJohnStronard,C.F."The first time I ever saw Father John was in Aldershot in '94. He ran asoldiers'homeinNorthCamp,an'wasoneofthosefellerswithathin,refinedface,thathad'Priest'writtenalloverhim.Hewasn'tanR.C.,forallthat.Hewas Church, very High Church, so some of the chaps said, an' wore littlemedalsonhiswatchchain.Buthighorlow,hewasthewhitestkindofwhiteman that ever lived.Hewas friendswith all the other chaplains—that's thebestsign.Friendswith'emall,fromFatherO'LearytoMr.Stemm,theBaptistlaypreacher.He'dgotnofads,hesmokedabigfatpipeallday,an'wasreadytoputonthegloveswithanyfellerthatthoughthehadthebeatin'ofhim.Heneverthrewreligionatyou,butwhenamanactedthegoat,you'dseethatmangomilesoutofhiswaytoavoidFatherJohn."Fellerstrustedhiman'toldhimthings.TherewasawilddevilinOurscalledCross.Crossbynameandcrookbynature.Therewasn'tadecent-mindedmanofOurswhowouldhaveanythingtodowithhim.Itwasn'tthathislanguagewas bad—itwasworse than that.After he started swearin' you felt that theroomoughttobedisinfected."Onedayontheranges,firin'ourannualcourse,wewasusin'anewcartridge,'Mark10.'"Nobbywaslyin'alongsideofme,an'waspassin'sarcasticremarksaboutthe

markers."Hefiredaround,an'gotan'outer';thenhetriedtopullbackthebreechblock."'Hullo,'sezNobby,she'sjammed.'"It tookhimnighon fiveminutes toget theexplodedcartridgeout, thenhewhistled,gotup,an'walkedtotheofficerincharge."'Begpardon,sir,'sezNobby,'seethis?'"Heheldupthecartridge."Theofficer-boy,whohadn'tbeenfromSandhurstaweekorso,frownedmostterrible,an'sez,'What'swrongwithit?'" 'It's split all up the side, sir,' Nobby sez, 'an' this is the second time it'shappened—thecartridgesaredefective!'"If the officer-boy had known cow-heel from tripe he'd have called up theofficerincharge,whowasatanotherpartoftherange,butbein'onlyakidatthegame,an'notwishin'totakeadvicefromaprivate,hesez,verystern:—"'Gobacktoyourplace,meman,an'don'ttalknonsense.'"SoNobbycamebackan'laydown."By an' by, theColour-sergeant come up. 'Why aren't you firing,Clark?' hesez,an'Nobbytoldhim."The'flag'tookthecartridge,an'lookedatit,an'shouted,'Ceasefire!'"Updashedtheofficer-boy."'Whatthedickensiswrong,Colour-sergeant'hesezangrily."'Defectivecartridges,sir,'sezthe'flag.'"'Whosaidso?'seztheofficer.'Goonfirin'tillItellyoutostop.'"So we went on firin' for two minutes, an' then the breech block of SamCross's rifleblewout,an'Samwentdownscreamin',withhalfhis faceshotoff."I'mnotgoingtotellyouhowtheofficerwastriedan'cashiered,orhowtheammunitionwascalledin,an'thefussthepapersmadeaboutit."WhenCross got back to his senses, the firstman he asked forwas FatherJohn, an' Father John was at the hospital before you could say knife.Practicallyhedidn'tleavehimfortwodaysan'nights.HewaswithhimwhenthedoctorsoperatedonpooroldSam,an'withhimthroughthenightwhenitwasatoss-upwhetherthepatientwouldliveordie,an'withhimforacoupleofhourseverydaytillSamwasturnedoutofhospitalcured."Nowtherumthingaboutitwasthis,thatalthoughhe'dsentfortheFather,an'althoughtheywastogethersolong,notonewordofreligionpassedbetween

them."At first Father John used to only sit an' read in his soft voice—bits out ofbooks—an'then,whenyoungSamgotbetteran'couldtalk,they'ddiscussthecoal business what Sam's brother was in, an' county cricket, an' things likethat,butforallthis,Samcamebacktothebattalionanewman."Theonlythingthatwaseversaid,wassaidbeforewitnesses,an'thatwasthedaybeforeSamcameout.Hewalkedwith theFather to thedoorof theward,an' stoodabit awkwardtryin'toputthewordstogether."'Father,'hesez,sudden,'howcouldachaplikemegettobeachaplikeyou?'"'Howd'yemean,Sam?'sezFatherJohn."'Imean,'sezSam,'you'reamansameasme,barrin'education;howdidyougettobepatient,an'gentle,an'all?"'Bysacrifice,'sezFatherJohnsadly."ThatwasSam'smottowhenhecamebacktobarracks.He'dgottheideainadimsortofway intohis thickhead, that sacrificemeantnotdoin' somethin'youwantedtodo,an'doin'thingsyoudidn'twanttodo."Sometimesthedevilinhimgotup;an'I'veseenhimstandin'byhisbed-cot,with theveins inhis forehead swollen an' his eyesglarin' at somebodywhohadannoyedhim,buthewouldn'tspeak,an'hishandswouldbeclenchedtilltheknuckleswerewhite—thenyou'dseehislipsmove,an'youcouldalmostreadtheword'sacrifice'onhislips."Then the regiment was ordered to India, an' we left the padre behind. Hemarcheddownto thestationbySam'sside,an'heshookhandswithhimontheplatform. Ibelieve thatpoorSamnever felt anything somuchashedidthatpartin',buthe'stuckit'—hewaslearnin'hislesson."Wehadn'tbeeninIndiaayear,movin'fromstationtostation,beforeafellerby thenameofDahYussef,whowas a sort of head thief in thehills, camedownan'burnedavillage,killedalotofpeople,an'carriedoffsomewomenan' cattle.Hewas a pukkabadmash,wasold Joseph, an' thiswas about theninth dacoity he'd committed in the year, the Government lookin' on an'sendin' politemessages tohim, askin' him tokindly return thegoods an' noquestionswouldbe asked.Wewas stationedon theborder, an' naturallywewasverybitterabouttheGovernmentnotdoin'anything."'It'sascandal,'sezNobby,veryindignant.'I'veagoodmindtowritehometothe Islington Gazetteabout it. It's this Liberal Government,' sez Nobby,gloomily."'It'saConservativeGovernmentinnow,'Isez,butNobbysezitdidn'taffect

theargument."Old Joseph, orYussef, orwhatever his namewas, naturally got bolder an'bolder,an'notsatisfiedwithraidingthevillagesnearhishills,hecamefartherintotheopen,an'startedructionsalmostontheplains."That's what the Government of India was waitin' for. The Guides an' abattalionofGhoorkaswaswaitin' doggo, an' cameby forcedmarch, an' theAnchesters,theWessex,thePunjabLancers,an'twobatteriesofArtillerywassentoffataminutes'noticetocallonUncleJoseph."Wegot theorder atmidnight, an'bydaybreakwewas twelvemileson theroad."Itwassupposedtobeoneofthemcutan'comeagaincampaigns,alloverintenminutes,buttheGovernmenthadleftitalittlebittoolate,an'theAfridiswereupinarms.Wefoughttwosharpbattles,an' thentheenemyretiredan'tookupastrongpositiononthefoothills.Weshelled'em,butwecouldn'tshift'emthentheGuides,theGhoorkas,an'theAnchesterstriedtotakethepositionbyassault—butwefailed."TheGeneralincommanddrewusoff,an'wewaitedforreinforcements.Theycameintwenty-fourhourstheKents,Lancasters,an'abatteryofhowitzers—an' with 'em came Father John. He was in India for duty, an' although wehadn'tknownit,he'dbeenthereforsometime."Nobby,watchin'thereinforcementsmarchin,wasthefirsttospothim,inhiskhakiuniform,an'with theblackMaltesecrossonhiscollar.Nobbydashedback to our lines lookin' for SamCross, an' found him sittin' down quietly,drinkin'coldtea."'Sam,'sezNobby,veryexcited,'whodoyouthink'sturnedup?'" 'FatherJohn,'sezSam,calmly,an'Nobbywasratherdisappointed,becausehewantedtocreatealittlesensation."'Ihadafeelin'hewascomin','sezSam,gettin'up,butIdidn'tdurstgodownto see 'emmarchin' in, for fear I'd be disappointed.No,' he sez, shakin' hisheadatNobby'squestion,'Ididn'tknowhewasinIndia.'"Nobby toldmeafterwards itmadehis flesh creep tohearhim—itwas likelistenin'toamanthat'sinthehabitofseein'ghosts.Nobodysaw'emmeet,butwhenImetSamcomin'fromtheKent's lines—wherethepadre's tentwas—hiseyeswerered,likeamanwho'dbeencryin'."Nextmornin'we formed up for the grand assault. Soon after daybreak theguns got into action, the howitzers goin' close up under the escort of theGuides'Cavalry,an'shellin'thesangar,wheretheenemywaslyin'asthickasbees in a hive. At eleven o'clock the infantry moved, the Guides an' theAnchestersontheenemy'sfront,theGhoorkasan'theWessexontheleft,the

Kentsan'Punjabisontheright,andtheLancastersinreserve.I'veonlygotadimideaofwhatthefightwaslike.Wewentaheadbyshortrushesfromcovertocover.Theairseemedtobefilledwithflyin'bullets,an'theenemyhadgotan old gun into position, an' was dealin' out bits of scrap-iron at regularintervals."Itwasterriblehard,whenwebegantheascentofthehill,forthegroundwasbrokenup,an'bigboulders'anstonescameflyin'downtomeetus.Thesewereworsethanthebullets.We'dgotintoatightplace,withabig,deepnullahinfrontofus,an'betweenusan' theenemy,an'we laydownfirin'steady.Thenullahhadtobecrossed,an'wehadtorestbeforewecoulddoit,inthefaceof the fire.Wecouldhear the chapson the right come into action, an' fromwherewewaswecouldseetheGhoorkasan'Wessexcomin'upontheleft,an'Iwasjustwonderin'whyitwasthattheWessex,whichisarottenregimentinpeace time, should be such a decent corps in war time, when I heard SamCrossshout,'Goback—goback,forGod'ssake,FatherJohn!'"Ilookedround."FatherJohnwascomin'upthehillbehindus—notfoolhardy,buttakin'cover."Sam'sfacewaswhite,butthepadrewassmilin'whenhereachedus.Hisbigpipe was in his mouth, an' he crouched down behind the little rampart ofstonesthatprotectedus,withapleasantnod."Personally, I thought itwasabitsillyofhimtocome intodanger like this,butIfoundoutafterwardsthathe'dheardtheGeneralsaythatthesuccessofthe fight would depend upon the Guides an' the Anchesters. You see, theintelligence staffknewnothingabout thebignullahon thehill, an' evenwewho was lyin' along the side of it, didn't know what a terrible business itwouldbecrossin'it,foritransothatitwasfullyexposedtotheenemy'sfire,an'everymanwhoscrambledoutontheothersidecouldbepickedoffbytheenemy'smarksmen."WhenFatherJohnknewwhatwewereinforhecameup.Lyin'downthere,with his pipe goin' hewas full of spirits, an'made some of our youngsters,who'dgotabitfidgety,cheerful,too."'Sing,'hesez,asthefiregotheavieran'heavier."'Whatshallwesing,Father?'sezNobby."'Anything,'sezFatherJohn,an'hestartedusgoin'with'Wherearetheboysof theOldBrigade?' an' fromoneendof the line to theotherwe roared thechorus:—'Steadily,shouldertoshoulder,Steadily,bladebyblade;

Steadyan'strong,Marchin'along—LiketheboysoftheOldBrigade.'"Inthemiddleofit theheliofromheadquartersbegantowink,an'byan'bytheorderwaspasseddownthelines,'Getready!'"Then,whentherecameaslackenin'offirefromtheenemy,ourbuglewent,'Come along! come along! come along, Anchesters!'—that's our regimentalcall—an'the'Advance!'"Wewereinthenullahan'overtheedgeofitbeforetheexecutionbegan.TheminuteIreachedtheothersideIcouldseethedanger.Upthehill,asfarasthenullah, thegroundhadbeen steep an' coveredwithbig stones—itwas fromthis nullah that they'd rolled the boulders down on us. Now,wewere on agentleslope,asbareofcoverasasoup-plate,an'therewasnoprotectionfromthefirefromtheridgeabove."TheGuidesonourrightgotthefirstblastofthestorm,an'theywentdowninlittlepatches,asifsomeblighthadstruck'em,passin'amanhere,an'takin'amanthere."Steady,theAnchesters!'yelledtheAdjutant;'fixbayonets!'"Wewasahundredan' fiftyyards fromtheposition,an' Ibracedmyself fortherun."'Charge!'"Withayellthatwasalmostlikeascream,wedashedforward.Ineverransofast,orwithanylesseffort,inmylife."Thebulletsmadeanoiselikeagramophonebeforethetunestarts,an'I'vegotanideathatIsawafellerfallin',butIhadn'ttimetonoticeproperlybeforeI'dfollowedNobbyoverthebreastworks."Nobby is the finest bayonet fighter in the regiment, an' the secondmanhemetwasdeadbeforethefirstonehadfallen."IgothomewiththebayonetonabigAfridi,whomadeasliceatmewithhisbig knife, an' then someone fell againstmewith a cough. In a fractionof asecond, as I half turned to see who it was, I saw an Afridi pass his knifethroughSamCrow."Thentwofellerscameatme—Igotthefirst,easy.Iparriedablow,an'gavehimashort-arm thrust thatbroughthimdown—an' theother fellerwasshotdeadbyCaptainMarsham,an'thenthe'ceasefire'sounded."I looked round. Nobby, who never loses an opportunity for business, waspickin' up all the valuable-lookin' articles, such as gold-mounted swords,

withinreach.Iwasthinkin',regretful,ofpoorSam,when,tomyastonishment,hecameup.Hewasbleedin'fromacuthead,wheresomeAfridihadgothomeonhim,buttherewasnoothersignofinjury." 'Smithy,'he sez,quietly,comean'helpmewithFather John—I—Imustn'tlifthim.'"'GoodGod,'whispersNobby,droppin'hisswords,'not—not—?'"Samnodded."'FatherJohnwaskilledaswecameoverthere.'Hepointedtotheramparts."Hemadenosignofgrief,noteventhatevenin',whenwelaidtheFatherinadeepgraveatthefootofthehills—an'hewastheonlymanwhodidn'tcryasweburiedthegreatestan'kindestofChristiansan'friends."Samonly stood,withhisbandagedheadan' hiswhite face; swayin' a littlefromsidetoside.Mean'Nobby,inourroughway,triedtocheerhimwhenwegotbacktothecamp—althoughwewasn'tfeelinganytoocheerfulourselves,forsomegoodmenwentoutthatday.Buthewasascalmaspossible."'It'sonlyproperthatFatherJohnshoulddiethatway,'hesaid.'It'stherightend—sacrifice.Heriskedhislifebecausehewantedtohelpus.'"Heputhishandtohissideasthoughhewasinpain,an'hewas,too,thoughwedidn'tguessit."'Ithought,'hewenton,'thatFatherJohnwouldlikewetoseehimputawaynicean'comfortable—that'swhyIkeptalive!'"HesaidthisallsocalmthatIdidn'tunderstandwhathemeant."'Letmedowngently,'hesez,an'Nobbysawthebloodonhislips,an'puthisarmsroundhim."Weloweredhimcarefullydown,an'twodoctorscame.Samlayverystillan'quiet."They stripped off his coat. His shirt was cakedwith blood, an' one of thedoctorswhistledashesawthewound."'Ishedead,sir?'whisperedNobby."Thedoctornodded." 'Howhe has lived for six hourswith a knifewound in his heart,' he said,'Godknows.Why,byevery lawofscience,heought tohavebeendead thismorning!'"TheAdjutantcameup."'Howdoyouaccountforit,doctor?'heasked."The doctor shook his head an' couldn't say, butme an' Nobby could have

explained. It was love, an'will, an' sacrifice that kept poor Sam alive—butmostlysacrifice."

THEEND

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