SidNews Letter from the editor(s)

Welcome back Sidney. Wel-come, welcome back. WE are the new Sid-

News team. We are here to guide you through troubled times and make sure that, week

by week, all the banter, gossip and general informative snip-pets that need to reach YOU,

the student body, are delivered in shining, wittily-crafted and punctual form. So without fur-

ther ado, we are proud to intro-duce our holy journalistic trin-

ity: Jack ―the Father of Spin‖ Snoddy, Harry ―the Son of Misinformation ‖ Michell, and

Danny ―the Ghost of his For-mer Self‖ McEvoy. Sidneyites this week

plunge back into the bubble having enjoyed six weeks off for the Christmas holidays—so

we have provided a special three page bumper edition! Many kicked off the break

with the inexplicably popular Varsity ski trip, orchestrated by Sidneyite and rumoured

geographer Sam Kirsop. Loads of top gossip went down; for

all this and other seamy stories fresh out of the oven consult this edition‘s new-look Sidi-

tious.

Enjoy!

MAN OF THE HOUR This week I caught up with new

SCCSU President and Darts extraordi-naire Liam Agate for a pint (of coke)

at the Maypole, in an underhand at-

tempt to uncover more behind the

mask of Sidney‘s new Totem. The new JCR president has recently

moved into prime Sidney real estate:

the famous G1. However, the move has not left him with the dream prop-

erty he thought it would:

Love the new room, and have accord-ingly decked it out with Sherry and

Port! I must say that the shower lacks

some oomph, and I had leaking prob-

lems the other day. I had to get out my cups and buckets to keep the place

dry. However, I can assure Sidney

undergrads that their well-being is top

of my priority list, well ahead of my own personal comfort.

We know Liam is a natural states-

man, gentleman and scholar, but these aspects belie a complex charac-

ter:

Well, I made the final auditions of

Mastermind for this Easter, my speci-ality being ‗Peep Show‘, I also, since a

traumatic experience I had at a young

age I care not to mention, have a deep-

set fear of Peacocks. I can never put my glasses on when my hair is wet

and I also have a tendency to drop into

a Northern accent at any given time of

the day, entirely against my will. Unsurprising, given that Sidney is

the “Northern College”. Any peculiar

bodily features, like a third nipple perhaps?

Nope.

What’s keeping you on your toes this

term?

The Bar is under review (so best be-haviour everyone!) but, apart from

“One day, all of this will be mine”

that, I will have to wait and see. A SSCSU President of course has a

wide range of responsibilities. How

have things been with the ladies since your inauguration?

Not too bad at all, yes! Well, lady,

rather than ladies. So, yes, exciting times ahead in more ways than one I imagine! (When, pressed, however,

on the issue of the said person’s iden-

tity, our gracious leader declined to comment – but no Sidneyite is outside

Siditious jurisdiction!)

How has life changed for you since

coming into your new role?

Not as much as one might expect; I

do, however, miss the invaluable com-

pany and advice of my old flatmate Tom Lewin, purveyor of cups of tea,

and, (Cue Northern Accent), a great

personal friend.

Well, it has been excellent meeting

you, but this whole process has been

a beautifully elaborate method of

procrastination. However, do you have any final words for the Sidney

community?

―Some people think that Sidney is a college that couldn‘t win a raffle if

they had the only ticket; I‘m out to

change that.‘‘

We wish Liam best of luck this year! J Snoddy

Siditious There’S no way

she’s had her

Fill.

Old-aGe orgy:

Very tedious

Philosophy:

also Very tedious

And your Bird can Sing(er)

Would The owner of thiS pink

(McCus)car, reg 5ER 3NA, please

leave through the back exit?

He'lL ask her nicely and open A

gateway to happiness!

Sid. (Sidnews editors cannot be held responsible for any loss of

reputation experienced as a result of Siditious. You only have

yourselves to blame)

Sidney Sussex 36-3 Christs

Sidney RFC‘s campaign to reclaim the

prized League of Shame title kicked off with a

resounding victory over their local rivals on

Thursday. The Spartan side demolished a gutsy

but technically deficient Christ‘s team under the

leadership of club president Freddie Iron – return-

ing from a 10 month spell of absence due to in-

jury. The majority of the side was delighted about

this, though one or two took an apprehensive deep

breath at the prospect of yet more ―inspiring‖ team

talks from the passionate Land Economist. Iron

marked his return to the Sidney team with a try,

strolling across the line in the second half after

grinding pressure from the Sidney forwards al-

lowed their dynamic back line to move the ball

wide. Blind side flanker Elliot Banks kicked off

the scoring shortly before half time; a first half

spent entirely in the opposition half had yielded no

points for Sidney until the tiring Christ‘s defence

yielded to a period of sustained pressure and

Banks charged over the line. Iron failed to convert.

The 5-0 half time lead settled Sidney‘s

nerves and after the break Banks was joined on the

score sheet by exciting first-year centre Ed Lin-

ford, Blake ―Maori‖ van Velden, former football

club captain Ayodele Fajuyigbe, acting captain

Iron, and most notably the veteran Zedekiah

Akanga, the former Blueprint frontman celebrat-

ing his first try in four years on the wing for Sid-

ney. A consummate team performance had its fair

share of heroes – notably Phil Franklin who per-

formed exceptionally at scrum-half in the absence

of Toby Ankers until midway through the second

half, JCR president Liam Agate whose driving

runs caused the Christ‘s defence no end of prob-

lems, and Sidney RFC debutant and man of the

match Ollie ―Sneaks‖ Young, whose performance

showed him to be the perfect solution to Sidney‘s

chronic problem at full back – and one villain in

the form of hooker Danny McEvoy, who late in

the second half was sin binned for a despicable

(brilliant—ed.)late tackle on the Christ‘s full back.

Nevertheless, the term has started on a high, and

the team looked forward with relish to the rest of

the season.

D R McEvoy

Zed toasts victory

Snod’s Corner

..It came to me one night in Cindies, the air sharp, the moon full, the scent of apple VK strong.. Well, not

exactly. But I thought I’d put something to-gether for the first edi-tion, given I made a big lark about it in the manifesto, and Danny has apparently prom-ised many in Sid we’d

dole out at least a poem or so a week (cheers for that mate!). Harry’s got some...oberservational stuff lined up, perhaps not so flower orien-tated. So yup, here it

is, is.. hope you enjoy!

Lilies pond surface – ripples scuttle astray,

unbound. raindrops crawl towards the earth. Lilies rest flat, chlorophyll-weary.

water-avens sprung still. stoneflies flicked away – glimmer, meteors. air, soundless,

gathers itself

Ginger in the Gym? So here we are at the laboured infancy of 2011; a time to start afresh, remedy the inade-

quacies of 2010 and make numerous New Years ‗resolutions‘ (the word itself now quali-fied with the ironic groan of a Christmas

cracker joke). What joy then, that after a holi-day of pigging out on turkey and watching reruns of chirpy cockneys two-stepping in

various Disney musicals (you know the ones),

„Chirpy two-stepping cockneys‟ this year should coincide with the opening of

our brand-spanking new gym, located in the dark depths of Sussex House. Over the past week I have been confronted by hundreds of

Sidneites strolling through the college in tight fitting novelty t-shirts, beads of perspiration limply lolling upon their upper lips, and the

look of infinite self-satisfaction in their eyes as they return from their third weights session of

the day. Meanwhile the only exercise I have been able to muster is a daily trip to Sains-bury‘s to make the most out of the £1 pizza

slices before the town‘s electricity is cut off forever! But after hearing from yet another converted exercise junkie just how utterly

fabulous it is to get your sweat on everyday and the limitless joys of endorphin cultivation, I decided it was time I started trying to stick to

my New Year‘s resolutions and asked new SSCUSU Gym Officer and full time ‗stud‘ Nicholas Kernick to show me around this new

haven of heavy lifting...new cabin of cardio...new basement of buff...you get what I mean.

The gym has been designed by Nick and the

college to fit the many needs of its students; with a

cardio room con-

sisting of tread-

mills, bikes,

cross- trainers,

rowing m a-

chines (and a

television of

course) and a

weights room packed to the brim with shiny ma-

chines ready to work the biceps, triceps and upsets

of those who dare to enter. After Nick showed me

how some of these machines worked, I quizzed

him on his claims that he could give any Sidney

student, in one month,

„The body and tone of a young Arnie

Schwarzenegger‟

The body and tone of a young Arnie Schwar-

zenegger (prior to his roles in ‗Kindergarten Cop‘

and ‗Governor of California‘). ‗Of course,‘ he

said, ‗to some extent it does depend on the stu-

dent. I mean, yes, if most undergrads here did ex-

actly what I said for a month, I could leave them

with a six pack and pecks of steel, but for some-

one of say...your build...well then I‘d need slightly

longer‘. Cheers Nicky. But regardless of how

good you look, it does seem that an hour in the

gym does indeed cheer you up. As I left Sussex

House with a slight moisture on my brow, inad-

vertently whistling ‗I feel pretty‘ and skipping

down the steps like Fred Astaire, the world

seemed like a slightly happier place – even if it

was only because I could finally take the moral

high ground as Matt Songi sauntered past with

two packs of M&Ms and some white chocolate

cookies. The gym, contrary to what I‘ve thought

for the last ten years of my expanding existence, is

not necessarily a taunting hotspot for mockery and

ridicule but is perhaps...a friend. And at only £30

for two terms, there are definitely worse friends

you could have.

H Michell

Thanks for reading...

If you would like to write, have any gossip or have an event you’d like to advertise, or just wish to rant, complain about or insult any of the content of this edition, feel free to email us

Quote of the Week: Matthew Gebbett:

“I have nothing funny to say”