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Session Four

Table of Contents Session Four Facilitation Outline ................................................................................................................................3

Session Four Course Material .....................................................................................................................................9

Session Four Framework ............................................................................................................................................9

Goals: .............................................................................................................................................................9

Theoretical Background: ................................................................................................................................9

Session Prep ...............................................................................................................................................................9

Arrival & Welcome .................................................................................................................................................. 10

Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing .............................................................................................. 10

Quote: Cassandra Vieten ......................................................................................................................................... 10

Check-In ................................................................................................................................................................... 10

Review and Reflect .................................................................................................................................................. 11

Session Three Reflections: .......................................................................................................................... 11

Readings for Session Four: .......................................................................................................................... 11

Pause for Practice – Safe Place ................................................................................................................................ 12

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Safe Place: ...................................................................................................... 12

Transition to this Week’s Focus ............................................................................................................................... 13

The High and the Low Road and the Brain .............................................................................................................. 13

Daniel Siegel’s Brain Hand Model ............................................................................................................... 13

The High Road: ............................................................................................................................................ 15

The Low Road: ............................................................................................................................................ 15

Recognizing Low Road Emotions: ...................................................................................................................... 15

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Recognizing ‘Low Road’ Emotions & Triggers ........................................................ 16

Pause for Practice: S.T.O.P ...................................................................................................................................... 18

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Compassion Pause Introducing Touch ............................................................................ 19

Self-Compassion Focus: Common Humanity .......................................................................................................... 19

The Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother ..................................................................................................................... 20

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother: .................................................................. 21

Practicing Repair – ................................................................................................................................................... 22

Heart Centered Dialogue – Repair: .................................................................................................................... 23

Group Activity – Revisiting Intention ....................................................................................................................... 23

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Intention: ........................................................................................................ 24

Next Week’s Focus .................................................................................................................................................. 24



Deepen Your Awareness at Home ........................................................................ 24

Reflections for Session Four: ................................................................... 24

Readings for Session Five: ....................................................................... 24

Group Reading: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters ....................................... 25

Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle ......................................................................................................................... 26

End of Session Summary: ........................................................................................................................................ 26



Session Four Facilitation Outline Activity

Proposed Time

Session Prep

At Home

Session Four Goals

Recognize ‘low road’ emotions and their triggers.

Discuss skills to manage 'low road' emotions.

Introduce the mindful practice of S.T.O.P. and the practice of 4-5-6 Compassion Pause introducing touch.

Introduce the Self-Compassion focus of Common Humanity.

Discuss the concept and importance of ‘good enough’ mothering vs. the ‘perfect mother’.

Understand the process and importance of ‘repair’.

Appreciate mothers’ needs.

To review and revise intentions/expectations set in the initial group meeting if desired.

Arrival and Welcome

Pause for Practice - Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing

‘I have arrived. I am here’.

Group Reading: Quote – Cassandra Vieten

In a way, Mindfulness is like learning to surf. By riding the wave of experience, rather than fighting them, you get a lot less battered about. You still experience each of them to be sure, the big wave still feels like a big wave, and a small one feels like a small one, but learning how to let go and ride the waves, helps keep you from being caught up in the riptides of agitation, obsessive worrying, rage or avoidance, that can come from wrestling with these waves.”

5 min



Check-In

Review and Reflect

Session Three Reflections

Were they able to calm their minds and be present with their babies?

Did they find their mind wandering, did it get easier to stay present with each sense practiced? How did they bring themselves back to the present moment, or did they?

If their baby did not appear to be receptive what did they do? Was there a particular sensation, feeling or thought that surprised them with each of the senses?

How did their bodies and mind feel at each of the check points in the practice?

Did they notice a difference as they progressed through the exercise?

Readings for Session Four

How We Keep It Together and How We Fall Apart: The High Road and the Low Road By: Dan Siegel From: Parenting from the Inside Out Chapter 7 Book Passage Hard Wired for Empathy By Christopher Germer, PhD, from The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Freeing yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. Guilford Press. 2009. A Violinist in the Metro The Science of Mindfulness By Dan Siegel Sept 2010 http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/

15 min

Pause for Practice – Safe Place

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Safe Place

Who would like to share their safe place?

Was this a familiar place from their childhood or was this a place they created in your mind?

What about this place makes it safe for them?

Were they able to use all of their senses in this exercise?

Which sense did they find was most prominent in their mind?

15 min

http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/



Transition to this Week’s Focus

The High and the Low Road and the Brain

Daniel Siegel’s Brain Hand Model

The High Road

The Low Road

Recognizing Low Road Emotions

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Recognizing ‘Low Road’ Emotions & Triggers

Reflection Questions:

“Why did I do what I did?

“Why did I think my behavior would lead to a positive change in my child or any person?”

Empathize with the moms and verbalize understanding that it is much more difficult to share experiences when “one is not in love with their baby” or a mother doesn’t feel like they have it together. The expectation is that babies are always cute and mothers are always loving. But is this is not so.

Ask mothers to identify a situation so they can ‘label’ their emotions:

Love - thinking about their significant other

Joy - seeing children playing

Sadness – loss of love one

Fear - past trauma

Anger - feeling betrayed

Interest - starting a new project

Guilt - hurting someone's feelings

Ask mothers if anyone would like to share a ‘low road’ moment where they might have lost control and felt regretful since they have become mothers.

Can they identify a particular way they react to their baby when they are distressed (concave, flat, convex)?

What was the stimulus, types of feelings, sensations and thoughts that lead them down the ‘low road’ path?

Is it the same stimulus or is it a collection of things?

How quickly do they go down the ‘low road’?

How long do they stay?

25 min

Pause for Practice – S.T.O.P

Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Compassion Pause Introducing Touch

5 min



Self-Compassion Focus: Common Humanity

The Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother

What does a ‘prefect mother’ look like to the mothers?

Do they feel pressure to be a ‘perfect mother?

What sorts of pressures are they putting on themselves to be a ‘perfect mother’?

Have the mothers take a moment to think about what thoughts and feelings the concept of a ‘perfect mother’ and a ‘good enough mother’ have evoked in them.

How do they feel about how the ‘good enough mother’ creates the space for resiliency and development?

What are the barriers to being the mother you want to be?

Who is putting them there?

What can they do to remove those barriers?

Are they being kind to or self-critical of themselves?

How does it feel to be a container for their babies?

What are some of their fears?

Some common fears of new mothers:

o Fear of being overwhelmed by baby’s projected feelings of helplessness, disorganization, timelessness and dependency.

o Fear of closeness

o Fear of rejection (will the baby love me? [Stern])

o Envy of the baby (his care free and cared for state)

o Fear of intimacy

o Fear of hurting the baby

How does the concept of Common Humanity resonate?

How mothers might be neglecting their own needs?

What are some things they could do to get the support and emotional connections they need?

o Let go of self-imposed deadlines and pressures.

Practicing Repair

Heart Centered Dialogue – Repair

If they have found themselves crossing the threshold and descending to the ‘low road’, how do they approach ‘repair’?

20 min



How long does it take for them to return to a ‘high road’?

How quickly can they stabilize yourself and then do they stay??

o Don't want to return to the ‘low road’ quickly.

Have they had an incident where they have descended down the ‘low road’ with their babies?

How do they 'repair' the impacts of their time on that path, how do they recover?

Group Activity – Revisiting Intention

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Intention

Ask class participants whether they have changed their intention based on some of the mindful practices they have learned thus far and or if they would like to share their perspectives.

If they have, they can take a moment to write a new intention, or commit in their mind.

5 min



Next Week’s Focus

Next week’s focus begins to explore mother’s own family dynamic and identify compassionate loving figures. We will explore feelings of security, patterns of communication and begin to understand how their internal working model influences patterns of behavior in their own family. We will also discuss our natural negatively bias and discuss two way communication and impacts on baby.

Deepen Your Awareness at Home

Reflections for Session Four

Quick summary as to questions for session four REFLECTIONS:

Mothers will be looking to identify their triggers and their paths to the ‘low road’.

They’ll be asked to reflect on how they got there, how long they stay and what they do to recover what do they do to ‘repair’?

What resonated with you about the concept of being a ‘good enough mother’?

How might they be better supporting their own needs?

Can they identify an interaction with their baby that takes them down the ‘low road’?

Practice using S.T.O.P. introducing touch.

Readings for Session Five

Angels in the Nursery - 3 pages for participants Rest of the article for facilitators Excerpt from: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships and Neural Integration By: Daniel J. Siegel *** this article is to facilitators ONLY as interesting reading – not for class participants. Embracing our Common Humanity with Self-Compassion Kristin Neff Ph.D. http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/

10 min

Group Reading: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters

See outline for poem.

Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle

End of Session Summary At Home

http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/




Session Four Course Material

Session Four Framework

Goals:

Recognize ‘low road’ emotions and their triggers.

Discuss skills to manage 'low road' emotions.

Introduce the mindful practice of S.T.O.P. and the practice of 4-5-6 Compassion Pause introducing touch.

Introduce the Self-Compassion focus of Common Humanity.

Discuss the concept and importance of ‘good enough’ mothering vs. the ‘perfect mother’.

Understand the process and importance of ‘repair’.

Appreciate mothers’ needs.

To review and revise intentions/expectations set in the initial group meeting if desired.

Theoretical Background: Books used:

1. THE MYTH OF THE BAD MOTHER, Swigart , Jane 2. BUILDING HEALTHY MINDS, Greenspan, S. 3. FIRST FEELINGS, Greenspan. S. 4. BECOMING ATTACHED, Karen, R. 5. RAISING AN EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT CHILD, Gottman, J. 6. MINDSIGHT, Siegel, Daniel

Articles:

1. MELTZOFF, BORN TO LEARN: WHAT INFANTS LEARN FROM WATCHING US, IN THE PEDIATRIC

ROUND TABLE, Edited by Fox Leavitt and Warhol

Session Prep

Plan to bring group intentions written by moms at the first session and additional envelopes for them to reseal if they would like.

Bring pens/pencils for mother’s to use when adjusting their intentions.

String/scissors if need to replace a string.

Print session four REFLECTIONS handout.



Arrival & Welcome

Plan to arrive a few minutes early to set your space.

Welcome mothers and babies as they arrive.

Transition: Once everyone is settled in, begin with a Centering Practice.

Pause for Practice – Centering with 4-5-6 Breathing Allow participants to get settled. Invite them to bring their hand to their heart. Breathe in in out several times slowly. Focus on your breath. Take a deep breath in, hold for four and say to yourself “I have arrived,” Hold your breath for a count of five. Exhale for a count of six and say to yourself “I am here.” Repeat two to three times.

Quote: Cassandra Vieten From Mindful Motherhood by Cassandra Vieten

“In a way, Mindfulness is like learning to surf. By riding the wave of experience, rather than fighting them, you get a lot less battered about. You still experience each of them to be sure, the big wave still feels like a big wave, and a small one feels like a small one, but learning how to let go and ride the waves, helps keep you from being caught up in the riptides of agitation, obsessive worrying, rage or avoidance, that can come from wrestling with these waves.”

Check-In Check-ins are an opportunity to bring mothers’ voices in and be witnessed in their mothering journey. Questions:

What is a ‘pearl’ for you from last week?

Sometimes a highlight can be difficult. If a mother doesn’t have a highlight, ask them to share something that feels comfortable.

Facilitator Note: As a facilitator you may choose to briefly share a highlight from your week as a parent, demonstrating Common Humanity. Track the sharing during check-ins as the ‘pearls’ shared can inform the course material and what you may emphasize.



Review and Reflect Transition from the check-in to last week’s REFLECTION. After an opportunity to discuss last week’s lesson material and reflections, ask if there was something that stood out for them in the reading material that they would like to share. Mothers may not have had a chance to read the articles so be prepared to share one or two salient thoughts

Session Three Reflections:

Were they able to calm their minds and be present with their babies?

Did they find their mind wandering, did it get easier to stay present with each sense practiced? How did they bring themselves back to the present moment, or did they?

If their baby did not appear to be receptive what did they do? Was there a particular sensation, feeling or thought that surprised them with each of the senses?

How did their bodies and mind feel at each of the check points in the practice?

Did they notice a difference as they progressed through the exercise?

Readings for Session Four: How We Keep It Together and How We Fall Apart: The High Road and the Low Road By: Dan Siegel From: Parenting from the Inside Out Chapter 7 Book Passage Hard Wired for Empathy By Christopher Germer, PhD, from The Mindful Path to Self-Compassion. Freeing yourself from Destructive Thoughts and Emotions. Guilford Press. 2009. A Violinist in the Metro The Science of Mindfulness By Dan Siegel Sept 2010 http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/

http://www.mindful.org/the-science-of-mindfulness/



Pause for Practice – Safe Place The purpose of this exercise is to envision a place of safety and comfort. A place that enables mothers to feel or return to calm.

I invite you to close your eyes. Begin by taking a deep, slow and gentle breath through your nostrils all the way to the bottom of your belly. When you have inhaled fully, release your breath slowly through your mouth, and imagine that by doing so, you also let go of all tension in your body. Repeat 3 or 4 times. Now, restore the natural rhythm of the breath, breathing in and out through your nose. Now we are going to imagine a ‘safe place’. A place that is your own refuge. Nobody will disturb you there and you will always be protected and feel at ease. What does this place look like? Is it a meadow, with beautiful spring flowers scattered all over the grass? Is it a beautiful beach where you can feel the warmth of the soft sand under toes as you feel the cool ocean breeze, smell the ocean and hear the gentle, rhythmic breaking of the waves? Is it curled up in comfortable chair with a soft blanket by a fire in a dim lit room? Take few minutes to imagine your own safe place, hear familiar and soothing voices, and smell those distinguishable and comforting aromas. Imagine this safe place, always welcomes you and wants you to be there, offering safety, comfort and rest. As you continue to breathe gently, focus on feeling connected, feeling content, and feeling safe. Continue your breath in and out softly. When ready, open your eyes and look gently around you.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Safe Place: Guide a heart-centered dialogue that shares the journey to their safe place.

Who would like to share their safe place?

Was this a familiar place from their childhood or was this a place they created in your mind?

What about this place makes it safe for them?

Were they able to use all of their senses in this exercise?

Which sense did they find was most prominent in their mind?



Informal Mindful Practice: Throughout the week hand over heart and find your safe place – feel the gratitude of having a safe place, focus on using all of their senses when they go to their ‘safe place’. Have them use a calming phrase like “I have done my best, now let go of the rest” as in the 4-5-6 Self-Compassion Pause if they are called to do so.

Transition to this Week’s Focus Last week we discussed falling in love with our babies, their subtle cues that tell us they love us too. We also talked about rediscovering our beginner mind and appreciating the path our new babies are taking as they explore the world. We talked about the importance of being attuned as well as attached and focused on the use of our senses to be mindfully present. What happens when things don’t go as planned? When mothers have a difficult transition or when they find themselves falling out of love with their babies or feeling as though they are not measuring up to an unrealistic ideal? The power of the Listening MothersTM program is the way in which the lesson material is delivered. Facilitators are provided a collection of discussion materials to use each week. After a brief introduction to the material, facilitators use their understanding of the material and expertise to guide participants through open-ended questions creating space for self-discovery via dialogue rather than a traditional lecture. The beauty of the Listening MothersTM program is that it provides context for the transition to Motherhood by nurturing mothers’ inner wisdom, while providing tools by which to aid in the appreciation of their journey through self-discovery. Life is a curriculum. The process is as important as the outcome. Remember to be flexible to make room for additional topics, recognizing that although we have a stated curriculum, each gathering is dynamic and is shaped by the stories and exchange in the room.

The High and the Low Road and the Brain Emotions are a natural and necessary part of life. They signal how we feel so we can take the appropriate action to deal with a particular situation. Emotions aren’t positive or negative but can be constructive or destructive depending on how they are applied. They can take over how we act, what we say or what we do. Emotions are categorized into two roads; the ‘high road’ and the ‘low road’. Both roads are part of the map we use to communicate with ourselves, each other and help us navigate through the world.

Daniel Siegel’s Brain Hand Model The depiction of a brain in the form of a hand as done by Dr. Dan Siegel, visually demonstrates the general make up of our brains. When our emotions get the best of us and we are not able to continue on the ‘high road’, our hand opens and our emotions are temporarily ‘high jacked’ until we are able to slowly, calmly, and deliberately return to center such as depicted with a closed fist. See the enclosed visual. The wrist represents the spinal cord upon which the brain sits. Opening the hand and exposing the palm represents the inner brainstem. Making a fist and encapsulating the thumb represents the location of the limbic area; the curled fingers back into the palm represent the cortex.



Brainstem: The brainstem sends and receives input from the body and regulates basic processes such as the functioning of our heart and lungs, circulation, etc. The brainstem is a fundamental part our “motivational systems”. This systems helps us satisfy our basic need for food, shelter, reproduction, and safety by controlling our states of arousal such as sleep, thirst, hunger, sexual desire and consciousness. Limbic Regions: The limbic area lies deep within the brain but in the ‘fist model’ is represented by the thumb. The Limbic system works closely with the brainstem to create not only our basic drives but also our emotions. These emotions motivate us to act and help assign meaning to what is happening in a particular moment. The limbic area is instrumental in creating the emotional attachments we form with one another. The Cortex: When the fist is closed the upper knuckles represent the cortex. The cortex allows us to think about ‘thinking’ which allows us to imagine, create and reanalyze facts and experiences. The constant and adaptive functions of the back of the cortex assist us by embedding experiences in our memories so we can do things like ride a bike, park a car in a tight space or use a scalpel with precision. Prefrontal Cortex: The prefrontal cortex, which is identified where the fingers touch the palm, contributes to our understanding of concepts such as time, a sense of self, and moral judgments. It is here we evolve the ability to have empathy and insight into others.



The High Road: The ‘high road’ involves higher rational and reflective processing. It allows for Mindfulness, flexibility, self-awareness and helps us find and react using the best option. Functioning on the ‘high road’ produces constructive emotions which aids us in improving our situation. ‘High road’ functioning is represented with a closed, compact fist; parts are neatly tucked away and in harmony.

The Low Road: The ‘low-road’ is the primitive part of the brain that involves shutting down higher processing, and governs when we feel sad, mad, or fearful. These emotions tend to be destructive, create states of intense emotion, impulsive reaction and challenge our parenting ability. The ‘low road’ can be helpful when it’s necessary to act quickly for our safety and react using our ‘fight or flight’ instinct, but not in a perpetual place interacting with our children. By opening your fist and spreading fingers, you can visually see our brain descending into ‘low road’ functioning; ‘flipping our lid’. Changing how we descend to the ‘low road’ in our lives may require becoming familiar with past experiences. Understanding our triggers to the ‘low road’ is an important part of reducing access to that path and engaging the second pillar of the curriculum which is Welf-Regulation. There are three general types of responses that occur when a mother processes distress:

Concave: A mother absorbs her baby’s distress, thinks about it, metabolizes it, and is able to reflect it back to the baby in manageable ways.

Flat: Mother is preoccupied or depressed and is deflecting baby’s stress. Baby gets no response.

Convexed: The mother is too overwhelmed. She has no internal space and is unable to absorb the baby’s feelings of distress; therefore, she “bounces” it back to the baby without thinking and metabolizes the feelings. In this case, the baby has to not only reabsorb his own distress, but his mother’s as well.

Recognizing Low Road Emotions: Know your emotional triggers - learn to recognize things that trigger intense emotional states:

Love - thinking about your significant other



Fear - past trauma




Developing an awareness of body temperature, heart rate, breathing patterns as they start the descent down the ‘low road’ will help maintain the ‘higher road’. As mothers get to know their babies, their identification with her baby leads to the knowledge of her infant from a deep, pre-verbal place within her. This same identification can bring her in close contact with her own previously buried infantile feelings.



Jane Swigart: “There is a strong tendency in all caregivers to become or behave like the children they care for.” (pp27) When traumatic events are not resolved, they can impact our daily lives. Reflection is often not considered when we are on or heading down the ‘low road’, so it is important to focus on deepening our self-understanding and recovery skills. As events and feelings are identified and resolved, our ability to reflect as we transition to the ‘low road’ becomes easier to identify. At first, a quick thoughtful assessment at the end the day or sometime after an occasion can reap many benefits by simply asking:

“Why did I do what I did?

“Why did I think my behavior would lead to a positive change in my child or any person?”

Eventually and with practice we can S.T.O.P (discussed later in this session) and manage our descent to the ‘low road’.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Recognizing ‘Low Road’ Emotions & Triggers Empathize with the moms and verbalize an understanding that it is much more difficult to share experiences when “one is not in love with their baby” or a mother doesn’t feel like they have it together. The expectation is that babies are always cute and mothers are always loving. But is this is not so.

Ask mothers to identify a situation so they can ‘label’ their emotions:

Love - thinking about their significant other



Fear - past trauma




Ask mothers if anyone would like to share a ‘low road’ moment where they might have lost control and felt regretful since they have become mothers.

Can they identify a particular way they react to their baby when they are distressed (concave, flat, convex)?

What was the stimulus, types of feelings, sensations and thoughts that lead them down the ‘low road’ path?

Is it the same stimulus or is it a collection of things?

How quickly do they go down the ‘low road’?

How long do they stay?



Understanding the Low Road: They key to understanding the ‘low road’ is to create awareness of those elements that trigger sudden, extreme and destructive emotion. Some respond consistently to the same triggers. Others are inconsistence as they store their triggers in a place that becomes full and can overflow. These triggers are more difficult to identify as something simple and unrelated can be the trigger that overflows the well.

Managing Emotions: Use mindful practice: When the limbic system is activated the stress hormones, adrenaline and cortisol, are released. Before we engage our “thinking” brain, we need to reduce these bodily responses. Focusing on a calm and steady breath is the portal to begin moving to a higher road. 4-5-6 Compassion Pause with a soothing phrase and soft, warm touch to the heart is a perfect start.

Become emotionally literate: Labeling our emotions enables us to have greater flexibility in shifting our emotional states. Science has shown naming an emotion happening in concert with an experience actually calms the brain allowing us to respond more effectively and increasing our emotional intelligence.

Work through emotions: We need to recognize when we are emotionally triggered and take steps to deactivate our reactive states in order to get to a place to address any perceived threat. Being conscious about our past experiences and patterns for triggers help to unravel what’s emotionally wedged. Understanding our current emotional reaction is often dependent on identifying past patterns. We will begin this work in session five when we begin to identify role models and compassionate figures. Temptations to descend into the ‘low road’ can arise quickly and suddenly. Continued ‘low road’ behavior without adequate repair of ‘low road’ emotional trauma in adults can produce a vulnerability to ‘low road’ behavior in children. Facilitator Note: There is a difference between ‘low road’ processing and postpartum depression. Please see Indications of Postpartum Depression in Additional Reference Documents.



Pause for Practice: S.T.O.P Creating space to come down from the anxious mind and back into the present moment has been shown to be enormously beneficial. When we are present we have a firmer grasp of all our options and resources and can choose to take the ‘high road’. When mothers find thoughts, feelings and body sensations racing with stress, remember the acronym S.T.O.P.

S S - Stop what you are doing.

T T - Take a deep cleansing breath. Allow your breath to return normally and naturally and follow your breath coming in and out of your nose. You can even say to yourself “in” as you’re breathing in and “out” while breathing out if that helps with concentration. You may even practice 4-5-6 Breathing.

O O - Observe thoughts, feelings, sensations and emotions. Reflect on what consumes your thoughts. Understand thoughts are not facts and they are not permanent. Then notice your body; aches, tension, anxiety, racing heart etc.

Ask: “What am I sensing?” “What am I feeling?” “What am I thinking?” What is your most vivid in your awareness? If self-criticism emerges, notice the thought but continue on. Notice and name any emotions that surface. Just naming emotions can have a calming effect.

P P - Proceed with awareness, love and Self-Kindness. Put your hand on your heart and repeat a supportive phrase.



Pause for Practice: 4-5-6 Compassion Pause Introducing Touch Guide mothers through the use of the practice of S.T.O.P and 4-5-6 Compassion Pause for logically recognizing and evaluating their feelings, sensations and thoughts, it is important for them to also focus on bringing their body back into balance by breathing and self-soothing. In this practice we introduce the powerful element and focus on touch with deep breathing.

Embrace the calming power of touch. Find a place on your body to touch; hand on your heart, on your belly, face or arm. Breathe in through your nose for a count of four repeating to yourself “I have done my best”. Hold your breath for a count of five. (Observe feelings, sensations and feelings) Breathe out for a count of six repeating to yourself “Now, let go of the rest”. (Proceed with awareness).

Repeat two to three times.

Facilitator Note: The important part of this exercise is that the exhalation takes twice as long as inhalation and they begin to feel the soft soothing component of a warm hand to the heart.

Self-Compassion Focus: Common Humanity As we have discussed, Self-Compassion includes Self-Kindness, Mindfulness and a third component that recognizes that we are part of something much bigger than ourselves called Common Humanity.

Common Humanity: As human beings we are both bound and separated by external factors: cultural, genetic as well as environmental or family of origin. However, we share similar vulnerabilities, experience loss, encounter frustration, make mistakes, endure disappointment and feel inadequate. When we're in touch with our Common Humanity, we are open and accepting of the reality that we are all in the same boat, and the more compassion we will feel toward ourselves and others.

Belonging to a group or community provides us a sense of uniqueness, but it also helps us appreciate who we are, providing perspective that we are part of something larger than ourselves. Research has shown that people are happier and healthier when they are with other people they care for, than when they are alone.

In session two we touched on the point that in this early stage, mothers are instinctively more driven by the ‘survival’ system and the constant state of stress can throw their nervous system out of balance. Self-criticism surfaces as part of our need to belong and be part of a community. We often mistake the process of being critical as a way to motivate ourselves. Self-criticism is a healthy instinct, but if it is activated without the elements of Self-Compassion, it creates stress as we constantly compare ourselves to others negatively. We feel we don’t measure up or do not accept who we are. The concept of Common Humanity acknowledges that countless numbers of parents in cultures all over the world feel similar feelings of ‘not being good enough’ during this time of discovery and they too try to do the best they can.



Through the cultivation of Self-Compassion, we enhance self-awareness, diminishing the grasp of self-criticism on our psyche and find opportunities to fill our souls with kindness and gratitude and celebrate overall well-being. Mindfulness teaches us not to judge, to accept and to be. Incorporating mindful practices where we S.T.O.P and take notice without judgement and the practice of Self-Kindness using 4-5-6 Compassion Pause introducing touch, contribute to creating an environment that leads to the ‘higher road’ of processing; and an opportunity to be present and attuned with our babies focusing meeting their needs.

The Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother As our society becomes more child-centered we feel an incredible amount of pressure to do everything right. There is a sense that life is competitive, expensive, and incredibly difficult and we have to give our kids every advantage to succeed. More experts are weighing in and we are ‘buying it’. It's not just external forces putting pressure on mothers, though, unfortunately, we also judge each other. In this confusing time, it is important to remember as we discussed in session one that ‘’A Book is No Substitute’. No one knows your child better than you do.

Psychoanalyst D.W. Winnicott developed the phrase ‘good enough mother’.

“A mother is neither good nor bad nor the product of illusion, but is a separate and

independent entity: The good-enough mother starts off with an almost complete adaptation

to her infant's needs, and as time proceeds she adapts less and less completely, gradually,

according to the infant's growing ability to deal with her failure. Her failure to adapt to every

need of the child helps them adapt to external realities.” ~ D.W. Winnicott

Winnicott’s representation of the ‘good enough mother’ demonstrates that mothers are three-dimensional beings. Winnicott’s depiction of the ‘good enough mother’ shows a person under pressure and strain, selfless and self-interested, dedicated to their child yet prone to resentment of their role. The ‘good enough mother’ is real. The failures Winnicott refers to are not things mothers do that specifically damage their children, but rather as a child grows and develops, accepting the reality that Mom cannot "fix" everything or make it all better. No parent can ever meet every need of a child from the child's point of view. The ‘good enough mother’ is capable of giving what the baby needs MOST of the time, but we all have our moments, our stresses, our breaking points as we all are human (and our babies, too). Part of being human is to make mistakes, but being aware and able to self-reflect also enables mothers to mend the mistakes by creating space for a renewed connection using Self-Compassion. When a mother is capable of forgiving herself for her mistake without withdrawing from her baby (otherwise allowing self-criticism and destruction to prevail), the baby, too, will learn to eventually integrate good and bad and see the silver lining in any cloud. Every mother’s ‘good enough’ is going to be vastly different. Embrace the concept of ‘good enough.’



Motherhood is wonderful and challenging and we do well to respect its complexity. Children learn through experiences. They need to learn to deal with disappointment and frustration, respect others, and do things for themselves. The supportive holding environment that mothers create is essential to that process. The environment must hold the child to create a safe place to explore and fail, for it is through experience that we learn life’s greatest lesson.

Heart-Centered Dialogue – Perfect vs. Good Enough Mother: In session one we touched on our transition to motherhood and attempted to evaluate whether or not it was in line with our expectations. Acting as a container to absorb their baby’s feelings and give those feelings meaning can take a toll on mothers. As we begin to touch on as our fourth pillar in session five, relationships create space for emotional exploration and a container of safety so that we can all explore and learn. When babies feel safe and supported, they don’t have to spend effort on survival tasks that take focus away from learning like processing uncomfortable stimuli. When mothers feel safe and supported, stress and self-criticism are minimized and mothers are drawn to maintaining the positive holding environment that supports their baby’s exploration. It can be emotionally exhausting to be a container for babies; mothers need support. Mothers themselves need support so they can continue to handle their baby in favorable ways. New mothers tend to be alone with their babies sometimes without much support and further tend to ignore or sacrifice their own needs. Mothers need to be heard, cared for and understood. Most children cannot be helped if the mother isn’t helped and supported. (MYTH OF THE PERFECT MOTHER; Jane Swigart). Using the questions below guide a dialogue to help mothers discuss their feelings and thoughts around being a ‘good enough mother’, a container for their babies and how the concept of Common Humanity resonates with them.

What does a ‘prefect mother’ look like to the mothers?

Do they feel pressure to be a ‘perfect mother?

What sorts of pressures are they putting on themselves to be a ‘perfect mother’?

Have the mothers take a moment to think about what thoughts and feelings the concept of a ‘perfect mother’ and a ‘good enough mother’ have evoked in them.

How do they feel about how the ‘good enough mother’ creates the space for development?

What are the barriers to being the mother you want to be?

Who is putting them there?

What can they do to remove those barriers?

Are they being kind to or self-critical of themselves?

How does it feel to be a container for their babies?

What are some of their fears?

Some common fears of new mothers:

Fear of being overwhelmed by baby’s projected feelings of helplessness, disorganization, timelessness and dependency.

Fear of closeness

Fear of rejection (will the baby love me? [Stern])

Envy of the baby (his care free and cared for state)



Fear of intimacy

Fear of hurting the baby

How does the concept of Common Humanity resonate?

How mothers might be neglecting their own needs?

What are some things they could do to get the support and emotional connections they need?

Let go of self-imposed deadlines and pressures.

Penelope Leach: “Above all, if new mothers are to pour out nurturance and care on their

infant, they need nurturance and care poured into themselves.”

Practicing Repair – The mother-baby dyad is a symbiotic relationship. It takes a ‘real’ and imperfect mother to raise a child. As we practice being a ‘good enough’ mother, there will be times when mothers are out of sync, or in emotional dysregulation with their babies. ‘Rupture’ and ‘repair’ are crucial parts of secure attachment. When mis-attunement or ‘rupture’ occurs in our close relationships, it can temporarily damage secure attachment and injure our close relationships until we honestly, tenderly and intentionally repair. It isn’t the mistakes we make when we are in mis-attunement, but how we repair the mistakes that have an impact on our connectedness. As babies are learning Self-Regulation, short periods of ‘rupture’ followed by ‘repair’ have the effect of teaching resilience which studies have shown to be the underpinnings of empathy. This is vital to understanding brain development and to creating realistic parenting expectations. John Gottman’s research states that we will have 80 percent more sustainability in long-term intimate relationships when we practice repair.

Because the brain is constantly evolving and amending, ‘repair’ is always possible. If a mother notices she has misinterpreted her child’s cues, she should take a moment to S.T.O.P and attempt to ‘repair’ by assessing her child’s needs. The effort involved in ‘repair’ is appreciated on a conscious and subconscious level, it deepens trust, increases resiliency, and builds stronger, healthier and more open relationships. The process of attachment takes place over many months and even years before speech and thought develop. The key to ‘repairing’ after mis-attunement or ‘rupture’ is to be available when the child/infant is ready to reconnect, or initiate ‘repair’ when we have done something to hurt, disrespect, or shame a child. ‘Repair’ takes place as nonverbal messages that are emotional and physical in nature:

Eye contact and facial expressions.

Mothers tone of voice and rhythm and rate.

Body posture or gestures; slow calm, comforting.

Timing of initiation.



As we discussed ‘goodness of fit’ in session two, it will be up to the adult to follow the nonverbal cues of their child to find the method of soothing that fits their child. Listening MothersTM curriculum encourages creating secure attachments through the use of mindful techniques that focus on being present to understand and then attempt to meet their child’s needs. It is through inadequacies and the thoughtful and loving ‘repair’ of those deficiencies that a child’s holding environment expands to support them. Mindful Self-Compassion provides the space for mothers to make those mistakes, emphasize ‘repair’ and begin to appreciate her needs are important too. Take an opportunity to explore the Resource Room accessible via the curriculum link in order to see additional articles on this topic to forward to mothers that are interested.

Heart Centered Dialogue – Repair: We discussed the fact that it takes a ‘real’ mother to raise a child and that mistakes provide an opportunity to teach resilience. Earlier we identified triggers that derail our ‘high road’ functioning.

If they have found themselves crossing the threshold and descending to the ‘low road’, what sorts of feelings, sensations and thoughts do they have as they approach ‘repair’?

How long does it take for them to return to a ‘high road’?

How quickly can they stabilize yourself and then do they stay??

Don't want to return to the ‘low road’ quickly.

Have they had a situation where they have taken a low road with their baby?

How do they 'repair' the impacts of their time on that path, how do they recover?

Group Activity – Revisiting Intention There are several different ways this exercise can be facilitated depending on the level of connection in your group. The important part of this activity is the realization that we do share a Common Humanity in our important role of Motherhood; many mothers often feel this transition is an independent journey. Mother’s intentions should have been sealed and labeled in session one. There are a couple different ways in which to facilitate this exercise amount of time left in the session may impact your decision: You can:

Pass out the intentions and have mothers read their own intentions privately, make a mental note of any changes and or write a new one and reseal.

As part of our Common Humanity, have mothers stand in a circle and have them take turns reading their own intentions, comment on changes and either make a mental note of the change and or rewrite and reseal.

As part of our Common Humanity, have mothers plan to take turns reading each other’s intentions aloud and talk opening about changes since the group started. Include a ‘touching’ piece where all participants join hands and or put their hands on each other’s shoulders to enforce the connection and community.



Heart-Centered Dialogue – Intention:

Ask class participants whether they have changed their intention based on some of the mindful practices they have learned thus far and or if they would like to share their perspectives.

If they have, they can take a moment to write a new intention, or commit in their mind.

Next Week’s Focus Next week’s focus begins to explore mother’s own family dynamic and identify compassionate loving figures. We will explore feelings of security, patterns of communication and begin to understand how their internal working model influences patterns of behavior in their own family. We will also discuss our natural negatively bias and discuss the importance of two way communication and impacts on baby.

Deepen Your Awareness at Home Encourage mothers to complete the session four REFLECTION exercise and read the following article to further explore lesson material that will provide an opportunity for reflection and introspection

Reflections for Session Four: Quick summary as to questions for session four REFLECTIONS:

Mothers will be looking to identify their triggers and their paths to the ‘low road’.

They’ll be asked to reflect on how they got there, how long they stay and what they do to recover, how do they repair?

Can they identify an interaction with their baby that takes them down the’ low road’?

What resonated with them about the concept of being a ‘good enough mother’?

How might they be better supporting their own needs?

Practice using S.T.O.P. introducing touch.

Readings for Session Five: Angels in the Nursery - 3 pages for participants Rest of the article for facilitators Excerpt from: Toward an Interpersonal Neurobiology of the Developing Mind: Attachment Relationships and Neural Integration By: Daniel J. Siegel *** this article is to facilitators ONLY as interesting reading – not for class participants. Embracing our Common Humanity with Self-Compassion Kristin Neff Ph.D. http://self-compassion.org/embracing-our-common-humanity-with-self-compassion/




Group Reading: Autobiography in Five Short Chapters Read with a light-ness of heart for the Common Humanity of our shared experience and the evolution of self-discovery.

I

I walk down the street.

There is a deep hole in the sidewalk.

I fall in.

I am lost ... I am helpless.

It isn't my fault.

It takes me forever to find a way out.

II

I walk down the same street.


I pretend I don't see it.

I fall in again.

I can't believe I am in the same place.

But it isn't my fault.

It still takes a long time to get out.

III



I see it is there.

I still fall in ... it's a habit.

My eyes are open.

I know where I am.

It is my fault.

I get out immediately.

IV



I walk around it.

V

I walk down another street.

~ Portia Nelson



Closing Ritual – Weaving the Circle With participants have them touch their string and recite a word that resonates with them that will carry them through the week as a result of this week’s class. An additional option: A complementary activity is to write down each of the words identified each week and compile and send them to the mothers at the very end of the group. It crafts a living poem over the course of the eight week series.

End of Session Summary: Between your sessions, bridge the gap between the days before your next group by emailing a summary of what was covered in the prior session, a gentle reminder to practice their mindful pauses, as well as attempt to deepen their awareness by taking an opportunity to fill in the Reflection exercises and read the attached articles. This summary also provides an invitation for a mom that might be struggling to contact you directly, assess their state and refer them out if necessary.