rude jokes

8/9/2019 Rude Jokes

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8/9/2019 Rude Jokes


2. It is important that a man makes you laugh.

3. It is important to find a man you can count on and doesn't lie to You.

4. It is important that a man loves you and spoils you.

5. It is important that these four men don't know each other .

Something for everyone:

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things

people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by

court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were

actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?

WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?

WITNESS: My name is Susan!

________________________________________

8/9/2019 Rude Jokes


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Are you shittin' me?

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: Uh.... I was gettin' laid!

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

WITNESS: Now whose death do you suppose terminated it?

__________________________________ ____

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

WITNESS: Guess.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead

people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people. Would you like to

rephrase that?

8/9/2019 Rude Jokes


______________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you

go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an

autopsy on him!

____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh....are you qualified to ask that question?

______________________________________

And the best for last:

_______________________________ _______

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a

pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

8/9/2019 Rude Jokes


WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began

the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Women are like hurricanes, when they are around, they are wet and wild, but

when they leave, they take your house and your car!

Here's another one you may find funny:

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walked into Wal-Mart with her

two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.The Wal -

Mart Greeter said pleasantly "Good morning, and welcome to Wal -Mart.

Nice children you have there. Are they twins?"

The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't.

The oldest one's 9 and the other one's 7. Why the hell would you think

they're twins? Are you blind, or just stupid?"

"I'm neither blind nor stupid, Ma'am," replied the greeter. "I just couldn't believ e

you got laid twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Wal -Mart."

8/9/2019 Rude Jokes


Here's a joke.

There was a guy who died and went to heaven. He noticed that heaven was full

of clocks so he asked St. Peter, "what are the clocks for?" and St. Peter

answered, "the clocks move everytime a person tells a lie."

So the guy looked around and noticed that George Bush's clock was missing.

"Where is the president's clock?" He asked.

St. Peter replied, "It's in hell. Satan's using it as a ceiling fan."

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to

the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher

insisted on NO BABY TALK ! "You need to use 'Big People' words," she

was always reminding them.

She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. "I went to visit

myNana.

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done. "I took a ride on a

choo-choo."

"No," she said, "you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use

'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done. "I read a book," he

replied.

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

8/9/2019 Rude Jokes


[I love this]

Alex thought very hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great

pride and said, "Winnie the SHIT"

Read more: Someone say something to cheer me up! a joke or anything! :( |Answerbag http://www.answerbag.com/q_view/395199#ixzz0wHo7Ckiq

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