{ Revising your work

Making it better

Revising Making it better

This stage is about making your writing better – more clear and effective, more descriptive, etc.

You may work by yourself, with a partner, with your teacher, or with a group to conference about your composition.

Make changes that will improve your writing (change the arrangement or organization, add more descriptive words, add transitional phrases, make the writing make sense, etc.).

Revising – 4 types of changes you might consider making

1. Adding – What else does the reader need to know? How can I elaborate or add detail?

2. Removing – What extra details or unnecessary bits of information are in this piece of writing? Does anything need to be omitted?

3. Rearranging – Is the information presented in the most logical and most effective order?

4. Replacing – What words or details could be replaced by clearer or stronger expressions?

Ideas & content

Organization

Voice & Word choice

When you show a reader, you reveal facts through vivid detail and description, instead of merely telling in a simple way.

Example: The room was a mess. As I attempted to push open the door, it caught on the

clothing strewn everywhere. I forced my way in, almost regretting the decision immediately, as a pungent odour hit my nostrils, one that reminded me of molding pizza. I was sure to find remnants of a discarded meal stashed in one of the crammed crevices. I gazed around at the disheveled items, like the desk overflowing with crumpled papers and stacks of books, and the closet overflowing with laundry, and had no idea where to begin…

Adding: Showing vs. Telling

Some “showing” examples from popular authors:

Some “showing” examples from popular authors:

Turn one of these statements into a brief descriptive paragraph that shows using vivid detail and description:

The teacher was angry.

The girl was sad.

It was a boring class.

You try it!

Sometimes when we begin writing, we are a bit vague (lacking specific detail).

Especially when formulating an argument, it is better to use specific details and examples,

first as to not confuse the reader, (clarity)

and secondly to strengthen your ideas. (support)

Adding: Elaborating with

specific details & examples

Example

Vague:

Bullying is a big issue. Bullies say and do mean things to hurt others. This is bad.

Specific & detailed:

Bullying is a very relevant and persistent issue for teens, especially since the invention of social media. In this light, bullies are often unidentifiable and hide behind a computer screen, giving them the ability to attack anyone anonymously. It is not unusual for users of social media sites like Twitter, Facebook and ask.fm to be “verbally” attacked for almost any reason, be it physical appearance, intelligence, social activities…

Adding: Elaborating with

specific details & examples

Turn this vague example into a brief paragraph that elaborates with specific details and examples:

Teens today have busy lives. They have lots of things to do.

You try it!

Voice should be individual and engaging

It should ache with caring

It should be honest, committed and responsive

It should suit the audience and the topic

It should show a strong interaction with the reader

Adding: Voice

Voice in Context: A student Sample Dolls of Doom

I hate Barbie dolls. The worst things are the commercials. They have annoying little songs that they run in the background while these girls are going “Wow! Her braid changes colour,” while giggling their heads off. I had the little jingle for that dumb “pet Doctor Barbie” running in my head for two weeks straight. Why did the song stop then? They came out with a new one!

My sister has this weird one where the legs change from weird orangey pink skin colour to some sort of sparkly black when you put the doll in cold water. “When the water’s cold, Barbie dives right in and her wet suit magically appears on her skin.” Wet suit, schmet suit. I tried spraying the legs of the doll with some cold water, and it looked like either a whole bunch of moles or some weird case of skin cancer.

Alliteration in the title hints at the

playful nature of the piece.

You know exactly how the writer feels about the

topic right from the start.

An unexpected but appropriate

expression – unusual for a fifth grader.

Sarcasm, mockery,

jocularity, etc. You know this

writer is having a good time; he wants the reader to have a good

time too.

More and more keep coming out, more “Dolls of Doom”, as I call them. Sure, they’re selling by the thousands, but they only keep them interested for a month, and then they ask for another, and the cycle goes on. Pretty soon, some little girl’s room will be filled with Barbies. If it happens to my little sister, her room will cave in on mine, which is right under it, unfortunately.

When I’m old enough, I’ll join the Army and get myself an M-1 tank or fleet of Harriers or something, and raid Mattel. Or maybe I’ll make them make a doll like “Militia Barbie” or “In the Navy Now Barbie”. Pretty soon, all the little girls in America will be saying, “I wanna Barbie, not a GI Joe!” Down with the dolls! Nuke every Fred Meyers or Toys ‘R’ Us that carries them! Let the revolution for a Barbie-free America begin!

The End But only if you call 1-800-569-BARBIE-X now to apply

for B.A.D.D.E (Boys Against Dumb Dolls Everywhere)

Exclamation mark used for emphasis. The

writer has strong feelings

and a clear point of view.

The writer’s playfulness continues

through the “End” of the

piece.

Revisit one of the paragraphs you just wrote, and add your own personal voice to it. Think about appropriate tone for the type of mood you wish to achieve, and stick to words and an overall feeling that suit that sentiment.

The teacher was angry. The girl was sad. It was a boring class. Teens today have busy lives. They have lots of things to do.

You try it!

Word choice can make the difference between a piece of writing that is okay satisfactory or great spectacular. It can also help to achieve voice.

Look at the following piece of writing, and replace some of the simple words with better ones.

The movie was just okay. It started kinda slow and with some good parts, but the music was dumb and the characters kinda simple. In the middle, it had a funny part that made me laugh, but that was pretty much it. The ending was what I thought would happen. I wouldn’t pay to see it again. Too boring!

Improving Word Choice

Revising – 4 types of changes you might consider making: looking at your notebook pieces

1. Adding – What else does the reader need to know? How can I elaborate or add detail?

2. Removing – What extra details or unnecessary bits of information are in this piece of writing? Does anything need to be omitted?

3. Rearranging – Is the information presented in the most logical and most effective order?

4. Replacing – What words or details could be replaced by clearer or stronger expressions?

Ideas & content

Organization

Voice & Word choice